#idk what i'm even getting at i'm just exhausted i think
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
im white so idk if I'm overstepping here, and I know others have said this more coherently, but every time I see people compare being a man to being white it feels so?? Especially when it's a trans man like, what, does that mean race is equally binary and also transitioned to? I wish people would just say that being a trans man is, idk, like being ace or bi, in terms of being just as invisible aside from needing a joke, a scapegoat, or at BEST tolerating when needing an in to divide the queer community (which, btw, is none of these demographics’ fault). Even then i tfeels a bit....overly simplified?
I d k it just always feels kind of obnoxious, esp now that white CIS people are getting in on this like???
I think that's just normal, honestly. It can be present in different groups to different extents for various reasons but people tend to prioritize their own suffering and feel offended when others come close to infringing their oppression copyright. There's a bit in Maus* where the author is baffled by how racist his Holocaust-survivor father is towards Black people that I think about a lot. Intuitively, going through oppression yourself should make you a turbo-progressive, but humans are more complicated than that.
*if you can stomach a pretty harrowing depiction of the Holocaust, Maus is a true work of art and I heavily recommend it; it's less about the Holocaust itself (although it goes through the period in exhaustive detail) and more the author's relationship with his father
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#spud.txt#definitely not knocking on anyone keeping tabs on it but i have started to tune out AI art developments. like my eyeballs just roll away#'if you do digital art you HAVE to keep proof it was human work now' why do we have to tho#i really do believe that if someone's really harrassing people over what they perceive is AI art it's some faults of their own that they#gotta deal with. i hold the same opinion about nfts which is it's incredibly futile and kinda petty to bully randos on twitter#i did get into one twitter argument about nfts and it was. yeah it did not accomplish anything#this doesn't mean that harassment campaigns against artists deemed as acceptable targets should not be stopped but it's more like#you got enough stuff to stress out about if someone's out for you i don't think any timelapse evidence etc is gonna stop them#whatever could be called 'artist community' is very splintered and doesn't serve as a good support system i think#like every month people brought back follower discourse and who is acceptable to be talked bad about because they're either a stuck up big#artist or the opposite#idk what i'm even getting at i'm just exhausted i think#like a good amount of people is out there to make it so damn difficult to Post Art Online and it's been going on for years#i'm trying really hard to not become defeatist but i sincerely think. the energy could be allocated elsewhere
0 notes
Text
I just vented out a whole rant about how aromantisim is treated within Hazbin/helluva. I'm not really sure if I should post it for multiple reasons, one of which being I don't want anyone to feel targeted about it or take it the wrong way (like I honestly dont have beef with Al shippers. Gripes, but no beef as I also ship him on occasion).
There was just a sudden burst of frustration I had with it that I think was in part just came from built up frustration from other things. There's things I'd like to have out there, but I don't really think it'd get far or, again, be just taken the wrong way. I don't see a point in posting if people are gonna ignore it, plus it wouldn't change how things are now. If anyone has any thoughts or are curious let me know, but I don't wanna make anyone feel like shit or put a pointless rant out there no one wanted to see. I also wanna keep rants to a minimum as I know people aren't always into that sort of stuff, especially if you don't follow someone for that and you just get an influx of posts of them complaining. And I still want to keep things relatively light hearted around here, at best maybe just some critiques on things here and there.
It's late, I'm on my phone when I should probably just sleep it off, so sleep it off I will.
#i don't know if I wanna tag any ships#I guess I'm just exhausted with a lot of things#I'd love for shippers to read it to get a bit more insight on the topi c#not to stop them from shipping ofc they can have all the fun with it.#The shipping itself has never been the problem for me.#And lately I don’t even think it's the shippers themselves that I take issue with as much anymore#maybe A part I don’t like how aromatisim is swept under the rug#may I reiterate my “how would it feel if the top ships had Angel only in straght ships” example#But I think it's more how the official media and people are with it.#Viv's statement potentially implying “confirming Alastor as aro would ruin peoples fun” isnt cool#makes it seem like being aro is bad#especially since every other character's orientations were confirmed despite them being irrelevant to the plot#I know thats not what she was trying to imply#but it Unforutnately reads that way#and people who aren't comfy with others shipping him are read as uncool I guess#^i like to think thats the loud minority of shippers talking but idk#might delete later#don't need this clogging up the blog or people's dash#rant#aro alastor#hazbin hotel shipping#hazbin ships#hazbin hotel ship#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel critical#vivziepop criticism#vivziepop critical#vivziepop#hazbin hotel criticism#aroace alastor
54 notes
·
View notes
Text
usually I reinteract with media when a new instalment in its franchise is about to come out (like I'll rewatch a movie if a sequel is coming out, that sort of thing) because my memory is jacked up but also because it's a fun way to reimmerse myself in the world and get proper hype for the new thing
however. the very idea of replaying DA:I. my god. kill me
#i really don't know if i'm strong enough.#i did replay origins recently and that was fun! i *could* *possibly* be persuaded to replay 2. *POSSIBLY.* ..... maybe.#idk that one can be a drag too but at least it's short. relatively.#but inquisition....... exhaustion. i am exhausted.#man it really is true. no one hates dragon age more than those who love dragon age. what the fuck is up with us lmfao#i think i just love the stories I'VE woven in this world. the games themselves might as well not even exist#i think about the games and i get tired. i think about the qunari and suddenly become a 2hour unskippable cutscene#and all of it is headcanon. i read the qunari wiki entry and i just go ''NOPE. WRONG. ACTUALLY [infodumps at my damn self]''#dragon age
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
5 notes
·
View notes
Photo
scenes that make you go hmmm
#tomgreg#okokokokok before i go abso nuts. what is this like. what is it.#shiv is trying to seem coy saying ah i hear you and greg are going around... is he your WINGMAN *eyebrow raise*#shiv is almost straight up asking tom if he's fucking greg like i'm sorry but she is.#and tom says exhaustedly we sometimes grab a drink shiv#can i just. like i really want to be normal about this but this conversation is so fucking LACED with side piece vibes.#bc tom is kinda cagey and then he says well we agreed we could have a look around while we had a think right?#after she talks about dating.#which. is just. sus as all hell.#idkkkkkk idk god i'm trying so hard to be normal about this but how can i be when it sounds like she's asking him if he's fucking greg.#WE SOMETIMES GRAB A DRINK. what the fuck does that even mean tom. since when did you get drinks with greg.#that sounds so pedestrian for you. you would take him to fancy rich ass restaurants and all that shit. but a drink?#oldest reasoning in the book for not saying yall are fucking like i really am sorry but come tf on.#when will shiv straight up ask are you and greg fucking?#and when will tom exhaustively answer so what if we were#just the way he answers is so....#so if he's not your wingman what is he tom???#much to think about
38 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking i'm gonna change up my carrd template for this blog... bc i'd like to be able to provide at least a little more information for everyone (including the selective muses)... but i'm trying to convince my brain to do a little writing first asjkds
#even looking in my drafts tho it's like 'mmm new things first'#this is a problem i've been having for a while now tbh. starters + new replies + inbox stuff is easy but replies to ongoing threads#are more difficult and i'm trying to figure out WHY so i can work through it#bc it's not for lack of interest! i'm genuinely so excited for all my threads!!! both here & on byan!!#i just. idk. i think it might fall into the 'all or nothing' thinking that i didn't realize i do with almost everything#i feel like if i do one reply i have to do all of them and that. exhausts me just thinking about it. all before i can even get started.#I'M WORKING ON IT as always i'm so sorry that i take forever ;A; i'll get through this eventually. i am actively working on it.#anyway. yes. ty for ur patience ♡ i will be seeing what i can do before i finally cave and work on the carrd lmao#♡ ⁄ 𝙾𝙾𝙲
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok. i read tom king's mister miracle run and tbh? i don't think i vibed with it. but it DOES read interestingly as a proto-strange adventures though.
#shitpost#very similar themes of fatherhood and legacy?#and. you know. the choice whether or not to give up your child to end a galactic scale war.#mister miracle makes the correct choice (which is. complicated by the question of the reality of it all) vs adam strange#who makes the VERY WRONG CHOICE that makes him honestly a full villain of the piece (and he already was. as well. the war crimes)#but yeah this is the first tom king i didn't like and I DO see what people are saying about the repetitiveness of his choices as well#i think his narrative WORKS in strange adventures and in human target (esp human target as a noire)#but i do not really think it quite works here. his writing for Barda also feels a bit weak#which is odd because he is trying to ground the cosmic-scale story in by rooting it with the couple on Earth#so it just doesn't quite click as well#to me. and I'm not sure how to work with the ending and the theme of escapism seems... off? IDK.#It was interesting but I was kinda skimming by halfway through it b/c tbh it just didn't feel good to read?#like his other stuff even int he dark tone has felt GOOD to read. dramatic and interesting#(adding riddler: year one to the context of what ive read by him but i have no specific comparisons to make to that book)#the 9 panel page does get exhausting too so i think that adds to it#but the other works have that style as well so like. idk.#anyways. I also read Barda#the recent one. and THAT was great#I need to remember/recall what my dad rec'd for Mister Miracle#i was just scrolling hte app and saw the tom king run and got curious because i DO like some of tom king's work.#shrug#read Barda though it was so so so so so good
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Alright y'all, here's a snippet of the joel x therapist! reader fic that I have embarked upon in the last couple days. Hopefully I can finish the first chapter by the weekend and post it.
Sidenote: thank you to everyone who has left comments on my rambly posts, encouraged me to write and been so supportive in general of newcomers to writing in this fandom. Joel is an intimidating character for sure but I actually had a lot of fun writing for him.
Pairing: Joel Miller x therapist!reader
Warnings: swearing, discussions about trauma
Summary: Life after moving to Jackson looks drastically different for Joel, survival mode is over and now he and Ellie can finally put down new roots. Ellie adapts easily but Joel finds himself struggling to settle into this new life, in more ways than some. At Ellie and Tommy’s insistence, Joel begrudgingly finds himself in therapy to try and work through his struggles but what he encounters is more than just painful memories and deeply rooted trauma.
“Tommy, I swear to god if you bring up this damn therapy shit again I won’t hesitate to shoot you next time we’re out on patrol,” Joel growled through clenched teeth, as he walked away from his brother into the kitchen of the house.
“Boy, it ain’t like I never heard that before,” Tommy quipped sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he followed Joel into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway as he leaned against the frame, hands shoved into his pockets. He observed his brother's rigid stance, the tightness in his shoulders, as Joel stood before the sink while looking out of the window above it.
This felt like the umpteenth time that Tommy had broached the subject of Joel getting help and talking to a ‘shrink’ as he dismissively described it, for his issues that he was struggling with. Joel was fine. He didn’t have any issues. He was doing just fine and didn’t need any help from some professional who would only scrutinize him, reduce him to his vices, and open old wounds from his past life. He was encouraged to go to grief counseling after Sarah died but by some grace of God, or whatever godforsaken omnipotent entity existed at that point, the outbreak occurred. Forget mental health, physical health and survival, aka not becoming infected, was the only thing that mattered.
Tommy exhaled softly, “Listen, I'm only suggestin’ it because I care about you. Ellie cares about you. You both have been through hell and back in the last year, I mean shit, we all have. But it seems like everything y’all went through is still affecting you, holding you back from letting your guard down and settling in here,” he states plainly, sadness lacing his tone.
“That’s bullshit Tommy and you know it,” Joel snaps, turning to face his younger brother and leaning back against the counter, arms crossed in defense. His gaze narrows, “I go out on patrol don’t I? Pick up extra shifts wherever it’s needed, help out with the contracting jobs, go out with Ellie in town.” Joel stood up taller, puffing out his chest, challenging his younger brother.
Tommy shook his head, running his hand over his face with an exasperated expression. Heaven forbid Joel did anything for himself that did not involve contributing or providing for someone, period. He just couldn’t shake that from his identity, and Tommy’s heart broke for him as he watched his brother’s stubborn pride, ridden with guilt and trauma, swallow him whole.
‘Man when are you gonna fuckin’ do something for yourself Joel?!” Tommy asserted, his frustration reaching a boiling point.
“Forget the damn commune, forget the community, forget Ellie for a sec and think about the last time YOU did something for yourself, the last time YOU reached out for help damn it” He pushed off the doorframe and crossed the threshold of the kitchen as he strode towards Joel.
“You’re not on the run anymore brother. You don’t have to just survive. You can have a life here. You can sleep without keeping one eye open and relax without looking over your shoulder. Don’t you want that? Don’t you think you deserve that?! Don’t you think you deserve this?!” as he gestured around to the cozy kitchen and fixed his older brother with a pleading stare.
Joel’s eyes widened as he tried to step back, the edge of the counter biting into his lower back as he took in Tommy’s weary face, the pain in his soft brown eyes, mirroring his own. His younger brother rarely raised his voice anymore. The outbreak took its toll on his hot headed temperament that never simmered down, even after he was discharged from the army. Joel knew that Tommy cared about him, hell he knew how deeply his brother loved him, after all they had been through respectively in the last 20 years, it had to be serious for him to raise his voice.
Joel opened his mouth, ready to bite back but his brother raised his hands in the air in surrender.
"Look, this is the last time I will bring this up, I swear. But yesterday I called up the therapist in town who’s been helpin’ folks out, and asked her about the therapy process and she seems real nice, and supportive. She said you could come in for a consultation and talk to her and see if you’re interested,” Tommy said quietly.
Joel’s gaze narrows as he scrunches his eyebrows together in incredulity, “You-”
“I had nothing to lose Joel. And neither do you,” Tommy cuts him off, raising his chin in defiance. “At least go talk to the therapist, if you don’t like her or you’re not feelin’ it, then I’ll drop it and let it go. The office is on the main street, just beside the clothing store, adjacent to the stables and they’re open everyday from 9-5.”
“Christ Tommy,” Joel leaned back as he looked up at the ceiling, wishing it would collapse in on him. Gotta love that brotherly love.
“Look I should be getting back now, Maria will be waiting for me. Here’s the number and address for the business. I’ll see you around okay?” Tommy patted through his pockets and retrieved a small piece of paper with writing scribbled on it, placing it on the counter beside Joel. He gave him a last placating look before he walked out of the kitchen, the front door closing behind him with a soft click.
Joel pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled sharply before turning back around to look out the kitchen window. He hung his head in defeat, rounding his back as rested his elbows on the counter and glared into his matte reflection in the sink. He didn’t need any help. He was doing fine. He’s still upright and breathing, with blood coursing through his veins isn’t he? Albeit, he is not jumping out of bed like a sprightly 30 year old anymore. His knees pop and crackle when he gets up from crouching over machinery while doing manual labour, his joints protest the next day when he pushes himself too far, moving slower than usual on job sites.
Hell, even his memory is starting to get cloudy around the edges. If it weren’t for Ellie some days, he’s sure he would leave the house without pants on, what with her always reminding him where things are in the house, special events that are coming up in the community that he forgets to put in the calendar. He had been a bit more snappy than usual, as Ellie so lovingly pointed out one day, but that’s nothing compared to his normal demeanor.
‘You’re becoming a grumpy motherfucker y'know that? Jeez, who shit in your cornflakes this morning?” she grumbled at him with a mouth full of cereal, after he snapped at her reminder that it was parent day at the local school. Parent day, P.A. day, Joel hadn’t dealt with any of this shit in over 20 years since Sarah was in school. Even then he managed to neglect many of the parental events, seeing as Sarah was the perfect student, with nothing but glowing reviews from her teachers. The fact that Ellie was going to school amidst a fucking apocalypse was enough for Joel to be happy with.
But still, he’s doing fine, right? Just fine.
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x female reader#joel miller x you#eeeeeek I am so nervous to post this even though it's a small snippet of the chapter#I'm actually getting more excited as I write#but it's exhausting like damn idk how you guys do it#there are so many ideas I have for conversations and interactions but then I gotta lay down some context for PLOT and I just wanna give up#I am lazy as hell I realized lol#but I felt like this interaction between the miller brothers was a good place to give a sneak peak#please give me feedback on what you think!
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
#haven't had energy to log into here because my work has been kicking my ass i'm spending half of my day off laying in bed#i fell asleep yesterday after my 2nd shift in my clothes with no blanket and woke up freezing at 7 am 🤧#i layed on the bed for 5 mins just to regain strenght to do a few things before bed yedterday and got knocked out by the exhaustion 😭#these 2 shifts were particularly hard and i think it had also to do with my coworker suggesting the dumbest thing imo#the dude wanted me to give my WHOLE november shifts to him like...WTF#he said he needed a sum of money for december and like helloo..#what do you think i am doing here?? don't i need money??#i'd understand if he'd ask for a shift or two but whole fucking month the sheer audacity..#i've struggled so much mentally to ge to this point and to be able to get this job even if it's not in my professional field#and it's physically demanding very much and so many other cons#but i've got it and i was happy i got it and to think some stranger thinks#he's more entitled to it than someone else like ??? it's just bizzare to me#he seemed such a chill person before he asked this#and i've spent last 2 work days feeling guilty for protecting my boundaries...#but everybody around me says i did the right thing so i am trying to not stress about it anymore#and i was afraid this would ruin the good work relationship i thought we established but idk anymore#i will be very cautious about him now#tbd
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)
#xelle.txt#i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl#i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group#i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite#and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends#my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with-#-them either#i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too#that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because-#-of my inability to stay consistent#also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway#honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless#to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before#the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol#there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!!#and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader#which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present#anyway#hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working#lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out.#this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS#imma sleep now 😭#idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do#goodnight everypony 🫶#vent tw#rant tw
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
google search how to stop being so autistic because i'm apparently ruining my friendships by acting like an asshole and having no idea and i'm already so fucking exhausted
#my post#vent#like i don't think people get it lol#how fucking exhausting it is to have a million programs open in my head every time i have a fucking conversation#how i leave every fucking conversation wondering if everyone thinks i'm a massive dick#and it turns out that wow i was right to think that! just when i think i'm doing better apparently no i'm not!#it feels like the rules change every second and i don't know how everyone can just fucking GET it#like i'm trying i'm really fucking trying and apparently i'm not trying hard enough even though i'm so fucking tired#saw someone discuss this#how she feels the constant processing and the feeling over never being able to catch up is why autistic people kill themselves#and honestly yeah i agree because how the fuck am i supposed to fucking live like this#i dunno i'm just. tired#being like this just makes me want to not speak to anyone#hell maybe people would prefer it that way#i don't blame them i just wish people would understand it's so goddamn fucking hard and i'm so tired all the time#idk i'm being a lil bitch right now and i don't know what to do i just needed to vomit this out#peace and love and back to our regularly scheduled programming
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.
Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...
#gs rambling again#like rn she's asleep (yes it's 6pm here) and i had to get my sister up because she's got dnd online with her friends#which is fine but like... she's 19 and doesn't get herself up and i'm sick of it being my responsibility#and mum got snappy at me for daring to wake her up at 4pm because i was going to do food because she was tired and needed more sleep#like why tf are you snapping at me you're nearly 50 years old you should know how to communicate with ppl by now#so i just went back to my room because fuck that and had a cry because it's exhausting and i'm exhausted but i also just feel... empty??#like i don't feel any type of way about my decision to cut her off i'm not sad i'm not angry i'm not relieved i just... am.#idk i've had enough and i want it to be august already so i can get out and stay out and maybe then i'll feel something about it#just praying sfe doesn't fuck me over again this year 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻#also i really need to talk to my friends about this but i know theyre in a great place and i don't want to bring my sad shit into it#i feel bad for needing them which i'm aware is not a rational way of thinking and i need to open up etc etc#but i'm... i just got so used to keeping it to myself that i don't know what to say or how to open up#and now i'm just spiralling and feeling bad for not talking to them but also bad for even considering it#*gently thuds head into wall*
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#tw mental illness#tw suicidal thoughts#bipolar#haven't been on this app for a while. but i need to get this off my chest and idk who tu turn to#maybe this will sound like a try to seek attention#but in a way it kind of is#i guess?#i don't feel like burdening people close to me with this. and i just can't bring myself to address it in a serious way#not by making jokes#i don't even think anyone will see this#so whatever. but i don't know what to do anymore#i'm not even sure i want to talk about it. i laugh#still enjoy things#but at the end of the day i have only one thing on my mind#and it's a question for how long can i keep going like this#my mind is hell#constantly making uo scenarios of possible ways to end my life#and it's a never ending cycle#i can't stop thinking#and not even music can help to turn off my mind#i don't want to do this anymore#i genuinely don't#it literally doesn't get any better lol and i've tried pretty much everything at this point#i was born fucked up#idk if there even is a way to undo this#i can't even explain how exhausted i am every day#and yet compared to what some people go through in their lives this is nothing
0 notes
Text
how the fuck are ppl having actual social lives with this amount of courseload. i lose all my hobbies during the semester bc i don't have time for anything besides schoolwork but there are ppl out there hanging out with friends every day and having parties on the weekend. how.
#like. i knew my executive dysfunction was pretty bad but I've never realized just how disabling my disability was until now lol#my schedule has just been school homework and sleep with no time for hobbies and I'm still barely keeping up#also the lack of sleep has been fucking me up and i can't even concentrate in class anymore even with my meds#it's only the third week of the semester now and im so fucking exhausted#i was exhausted last semester and the semester before that too and i didn't even get to rest during the breaks#idk i can't even think abt what to do to improve this i just wanna kill myself so i don't have to deal with anything ever again#godddd it really has been years since I've been low like this huh lol#ngl i think it was easier back when i knew i was gonna die. like it sucked absolute ass but i also didn't have to do anything#now i gotta fucking. make my mind up or actually Do Shit so i don't end up getting kicked out#urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ykw i think this is the perfect time to start a drug addiction#i just want some teeny little positive emotion or motivation i can use to kickstart my executive function and start actually doing shit#rn i don't even have the energy to actually kill myself either which is just. the fucking worst.#mine#vent#nightblogging#suicide tw
1 note
·
View note