#idk im stressed but it probably nothing

[satansappendix]

Currently experiencing hella anxiety and nausea

[dansemacabre]

i’ve been thinking about “sixer, it would eat you alive” since i read it and. man. every layer you peel back makes it worse. im not a bill apologist but. shit

if you (1) take it at face value, it paints bill as an apologetic murderer in his single (and maybe sole) open moment of regret. he doesn’t let his walls down often- only with ford do we even get to see the remnant of his galaxy, see the “actual remorse” ford describes, get just a hint of his origins. but he does it, because he thinks ford should know.

if you (2) take it from ford’s point of view, as something he committed to journal three, like. wow. imagine being so committed to a being that you’d hunt down and kill the monster that destroyed his home, only to (assumably) figure out later that that being was the monster. the small moments of trust, the “good times”, are so key to manipulation. how long did ford hold onto that one shred of vulnerability? no wonder ford stayed for as long as he did. in his eyes, bill was a survivor. ford wanted to survive too.

(slight tw below for unreality- any time i mention our reality, i mean “our reality” as a narrative device used in the book of bill as a proxy for the idea of bill being in our reality, since he can’t actually be in our reality. all of this is a fictional theory about a show/book with fictional contents!)

but if you (3) remember that “even his lies are lies” and absolutely Nothing bill says should be trusted. Whoo boy. if i read tbob right the book itself is being created in the theraprism (even tho it shows up with the ciphertologists at some point? idk that’s a whole other post). it’s meant to show what the reader wants to see; it manifests in our reality as what the collective fandom wants to see. so if we want to see truth, if we want to see where bill ended up and who he actually is, there’s a non-zero chance that the whole interaction was a complete fabrication.

imagine bill, stuck in the actively harmful, probably earth-illegal theraprism, once again being forced to be “fixed” and molded into something more palatable, being forced to conform no matter how much it hurts. (i know natural uncontrollable mutation ≠ just so much murder and destruction and chaos, but. you can’t ignore the similarities. bill has obviously been thinking about those silly straws.)

he looks back on everything that went wrong, back on his relationship with ford, back through every dimension where he wins. would that one moment, that one truth amid centuries of lies, have saved him from purgatory? if he had just been open? shown his damage? maybe he did think of his parents, or his henchmaniacs (especially the oracle). people who he might have once opened up to. maybe he just wanted to open up to someone again.

so in his own weird way, stuck in a cell, he reshaped reality again. in this reality, for this fleeting moment, he had been someone worth believing. and ford had listened, hell, ford had wanted to help. looking back, knowing how he treated ford, knowing how ford ended up because of it, maybe bill would have said the most honest thing he’d ever told ford: i am the monster, i am not worth your time or belief, and i will eat you alive.

[ganondoodle]

i dont think i have the right to ask this, since i so rarely have the energy to reply, but .. i want my drive to draw art back and this awful depression gone (or at least made less bad..) so desperately that i will bear the shame of asking it anyway, just in the hopes of something getting that spark i had held onto for so long to light back up

though .. im not sure what i want to ask for, i guess .. anything? something you'd like to see me draw, a compliment, a question- whether zelda or oc related, a little totk rant of your own, a picture of your cat, a random fun fact-

[moeblob]

I am really tired of a situation rn.

[jrueships]

guess whos not going in at all this week, actually

[rapidhighway]

Hnngg

[radio-ghost-cooks]

hey so uhhhhhh tw suicudal thoughts this is kind of a heads up to people who interact with me a lot. if you've never seen me before in ur life feel free to scroll

i'm gonna be blocking/avoiding some tags and topics for a while bc i've noticed a startling drop in my mental health. and i don't think the things i'm going to avoid are helping.

ive never been one to struggle mentally but lately it feels like there's no good news anymore and it's gwnuinely taken a massive toll on me. to the point where two weeks ago i was optimistic abt my own personal future and now i'm wondering if i'm gonna make it to 25.

so if ur used to me blogging more abt current events expect that to more or less stop for a while while i try to get my brain back to normal. i'm hoping getting hyperfixated on somethinf again will help bc whenever i'm not fixated my optimism and joy just kind of plummet. tank. nosedive if you will.

[couriernewvegas]

ok sorry i know my posts have been big on looks-based insecurities recently but like . i hate when conventionally attractive people try to relate about being ugly or smthn esp like when we are talking about kids photos i get everyone is insecure but like . i look at pictures of me across my life and think about how at pretty much every stage people felt the need to make fun of or criticize how i looked and like we are not the same . like i was an ugly “masculine-looking” chubby hairy kid who was by all conventional means at the time considered ugly as fuck and people bullied me for that and being gay from elementary through middle school . and then of course i developed a huge eating disorder that fixed fucking nothing one bc eds dont fix anything but also bc im just baseline considered by most people to be ugly so that didnt change anyone’s minds about me . like my ex regularly tweezed my eyebrows unasked because even somebody who was supposed to be attracted to me still had that baseline disgust with how i just looked naturally . my own family made fun of me for being chubby and having “caterpillar eyebrows” and some of them still make jokes about what an ugly kid i was from the ages of like 7-15 . idk im just sick and i hate when ppl try to argue with me that im not ugly or that they actually look WAY worse than me or whatever bc ive lived in reality and seen how people treat me stop trying to tell me im crazy and its been even worse recently obviously i just feel like so much of my life and happiness has been wasted and lost on hating myself and i just want it to be over already

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.

[chiarrara]

it just stresses me out so much someone pls help

[elegyofthemoon]

"i need to hype myself up in the morning" and then i blast "backdraft"

[ra-archives]

Hey so I was working on art for today's + yesterdays post but I got up to get a snack then came back and heard my door creak open but problem is I wasn't in there and haven't been for a few hours and no one else is awake + my cat is asleep on the chair so IDK what the fuck that was and I'm not stupid enough to go find out. This is not the first possible paranormal experience in that part of the house so REALLY not liking this

Anyway I have a WIP for today but whether or not it comes out depends on if I can work up the courage to brave my room.

[ironmanstan]

one of these days my dad is gonna realize what my school schedule is in the meantime he will continue to exist adjacently to me and never in the same space

[scalpelsister]

.

[yelloworangesoda]

genuinely like passively suicidal at this point bc i literally dont know why i bother. im not gonna kill myself but like someone deal with me im just dead weight

[gibbearish]

Congrats on sending that application!

THANK UUUUUU