#but i dont have the time to do that either. i have to hang out with my boyfriend and go to my moms house and help out my grandma
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pathetic bf!seunghyun (headcannons) ₊˚⊹ ᰔ
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summary: bf!seunghyun who is incredibly down bad for his gf.
an: hello! this is my first fic on this account, im so excited to share it with you. i hope you enjoy <3 (ALSO, please ignore any spelling/grammar errors i didn’t proofread.)
bf!seunghyun who: didn’t care for love/relationships until he met you.
bf!seunghyun who: swears carless whisper by george micheal played in his head when he laid eyes on you for the first time.
bf!seunghyun who: likes to spend his down time making you playlists and/or writing you songs/raps. he likes to communicate through music.
bf!seunghyun who: calls you sweet girl and thinks it fits perfectly. you are his sweet girl. he thinks youre the sweetest, most angelic being hes ever met.
bf!seunghyun who: will agree to just about anything for your sake (“yeah i dont know, i just dont really feel like going out today” he mummered to jiyong, burying himself further into the fluffy cloud that was his bed, dead set on spending his night curled in bed. until you walked into the room. “seunghyun, lets go out tonight, i need to get out of this house.” seunghyun shot out of bed, unraveling himself from the covers and intertwined your hands, “yeah, sweet girl, lets go.” suddenly alive and full of energy. unaware of jiyong snickering behind him.
bf!seunghyun who: genuinely believes he cant go more than an hour without having his hands on you in someway. wether that be his hand in yours, his arm wrapped around your waist, his fingers curled in your hair, or his fingers inside, yes inside the waist of your jeans, resting against the warmth of your skin.
bf!seunghyun who: when you two sleep has to either be little spoon or lay on top of you (while you scratch his back.)
bf!seunghyun who: is only comfortable with you touching him
bf!seunghyun who: literally calls/texts you every chance he gets. in between recordings, while in the bath, while getting his hair done. he’ll text you every thought that crosses his mind. (itll be three in the morning and youll get a text from him like, “i just realized, nothing is ON fire. fire is on THINGS.”)
bf!seunghyun who: does things for you he knows you can do yourself, such as, brushing and drying your hair after a shower, carrying you from place to place in your shared apartment, brushing your teeth, grabbing things that are just out of reach, tieing your shoes, no matter how much you insist you’re perfectly cable. he cant help it; youre his angel.
bf!seunghyun who: genuinely tears up when you get mad at him (you immediately feel horrible and give in.)
bf!seunghyun who: loves to lay his head in your lap while you run your fingers through his hair (he falls asleep immediately.)
bf!seunghyun who: hangs onto every word you say. he’ll remember something you vaguely told him months later. (“hey, sweet girl, i got you one of those sun…sunny…sonny..angels…whatever you call them,” he said when he came home from the store, placing the sonny angel box on your lap, then, planting gentle kisses onto the corners of your lips, your nose, your temple, your eyelids. you smile, wondering how the hell he knew you wanted one. you giggle, placing your hand on his cheek and rubbing your thumb across his soft skin as he leans into your touch, “how’d you know i wanted one?” he looked at you as though the answer was obvious, “you mentioned it when you saw a tiktok video in..may” may was 8 months ago?)
bf!seunghyun who: apologizes by getting on his knees, putting his head in your lap, and kissing your hands profusely. muttering over and over how sorry he is and how he’ll do better.
bf!seunghyun who: follows you around everywhere like a little cat. always hovering over your shoulder. if you guys are sitting on the couch and you get up to get a glass of water, trust, he’ll get up and go with you with a content smile on his face. he has attachment issues.
bf!seunghyun who: when your making out and you pull away, looks at you, breathing all hard, like he physically needs more.
bf!seunghyun who: when he has to travel for work will send you a poem a day. (“hey, sweet girl, you will never be unloved by me. you are too well tangled in my soul; hello, my sweet girl, my heart is so full of you i can hardly call it my own. love you always.”)
bf!seunghyun who: is completely obsessed with you.
#t.o.p x reader#choi seunghyun#choi seunghyun x reader#bigbang#choi seunghyun imagine#thanos#squid game#bigbang imagine
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TGCF characters rated by how much I’d want to go out to the club with them
Xie Lian: Either he’s the designated driver and drinks waters and barely hangs out with me and just sits at the bar sexting his boyfriend, or he gets incredibly drunk and cries and throws up on me in the bathroom. 4/10
Hua Cheng: I actually think he’d be alright, like we could chat and dance a lil and he’d have like 1-2 drinks which is fine, same here. He’s also sexting his boyfriend but i can ignore it. 7/10
Mu Qing: He’s not a fun drunk and he’d complain about the noise and just sit at the bar the whole time. And he’d be rude about it. 2/10
Feng Xin: I don’t trust him to not throw up on me. Plus being in a close proximity to a lot of women might send him into a panic attack and hide in the bathroom. 1/10
Qi Rong: Objectively this would be a terrible experience. Not only is he drunk before we get there, he’s doing coke in the bathroom, he’s getting into fights and gets kicked out and likely arrested. I just want to be there for this. 8/10
He Xuan: He’s a miserable drunk and just sits at some table eating wings all night. If i go and ask him to come and dance he’d just shrug and keep playing sudoku on his phone. But if i asked him to be the designated driver he’d actually drive me and be sober so. 2/10
Shi Qingxuan: They would actually be willing to have fun with me. They might sneak off to do coke in the bathroom but it’s only once and it’s very lowkey so no drama. A delight to be around in general. 10/10
Shi Wudu: I’d hate to hang out with him but he’s paying for me so. 5/10
Pei Ming: He’s ditching me immediately to hook up with some chick in the bathrooms and then leaves with another. 1/10
Ling Wen: I really think she needs this. She might cry on me a bit once she starts drinking but it’s worth it for her sanity. 3/10
Lang Qianqiu: It’s fine for the first hour but then he starts getting uppity about being sober and then he starts getting into fights with people and like they probably deserved it but cmon man. Fantastic designated driver tho. 4/10
Ban Yue: I think she’s like 13 she can’t come. 0/10
Pie Xiu: I don’t want to hang out with him. 2/10
Yushi Huang: She would not agree to go. 0/10
Yin Yu: No fun. 1/10
Quan Yizhen: He’s getting into fights fully sober. 1/10
Mei Niangqing: Do NOT get Guoshi drunk!!! 10/10
Jun Wu: I really dont want to hang out with him tbh. 0/10
#tgcf#this is all like what if we had a friends night out or w/e#gotta tag all these bastards now#xie lian#hua cheng#mu qing#feng xin#qi rong#he xuan#shi qingxuan#jun wu#yin yu#quan yizhen#fuck it im only tagging some of these bastards#my thing is if im going out and there’s music im dancing w someone idc its just fun im not gonna j sit at the bar n do Nothing
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LASTONELASTONE!! I did it! and within the promised time frame too, look at me go! (Im taking any wins atm, please dont mind me)
ONTO!
why am i sobbing right now 😭😭😭😭 this was so fluffy this hang out ahhhhhh yoon it was adorable 😩😩🥺🥺🥹😭🥹😭🥹😭🥹
I love them i love them i love them. I LOVE THEM. I love how easy they are with one another, how effortless and thoughtless and easy.
oc and jungkook literally have my heart at this point i mean i am speechless the fact that she made this so special for him and he was looking out for her during the exams and the freaking gift i can't stop sobbing 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
One thing about OC is that if she can create some solstice magic for somebody, she absolutely will. She's like me in the sense that she thinks holidays should be celebrated for their true intentions, and that no one should be denied that magic.
I love that he can't help it either, like it physically pains him to see her like that so he's compelled to help. He's such a good man, that JK.
THE GIFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT. OH I WAS SO STOKED FOR THAT. I love that he did it, I love the thought that went into it. That he noticed she has older brushes, 'lower' (but still good) quality brushes, brushes that look like theyve been used to much, and he used that information and just automatically decided that her passions and talent deserved the best instead of the best she could get herself. That he didn't think twice about the price of the gift because money has never been an issue for him, but he thought about the gifts impact and how it could help her achieve her dreams.
i think about his gift versus her unintentional on and their contrast a lot. I really enjoyed writing them.
so it was a mix of sobs turns blushes because of that muscle use talk hey (what a switch up)
sobbing and blushing with you!
And I like a lil spice with my fluff, what can I say. Balance is nice. I also like the natual growth of conversation, in a way that's expressed with a game of wits that turns into more trust and respect by the end of it. That's a complicated sentence, I hope that makes sense. XD
but omg the tree and the star (yoon how adorable you actually make those i love it that little add you did there)
I did! second year of college yoon wanted a christmas tree in her dorm real bad, so she went to her local dollarstore and got a little one and little baubles to match. But they didnt have tree toppers! So i took a cereal box out of my recycling bin, cut out a star, glued tin foil to the bitch and put'er on top of my baby tree. I still have and use it to this day. She remains super cute and festive.
and they are hugging now look it's one step closer to a kiss i will take it
I personally find hugs to be more intimate and passionate then kissing when done within the right context. A kiss? you can kiss anyone and have it mean nothing. But a hug? To be held? An embrace where you just hold another person because of the emotions your feeling can only be expressed tactiley like that? Hits different for me.
i can't get over how fluffy and homey this was and with the bodyguard too it just captured my heart i love this chapter it's definitely in my top 10 PJK moments (basically it's every interaction they have that's why it's 10 you get it) 🥹
THE GUARDS. MY BABIES. I love the guards, I love their positive masculine energy, I love that JK has them, and I love that they like OC. He's a little brother almost to most of them, they're the kind of older brothers who clearly aren't afraid to give their little bro shit, but are also his biggest cheerleaders when it counts. I just. I love my guards. I was so excited to introduce them finally.
holy shit top ten!!!!!! I'm honoured, flattered and in dire need of that list in ranked order so we can geek out together. (also so i can compare the current list to the list when the series if finished.)
(also also that is of course, not a request, only a "if you ever wanted to do so, I would be more than willing to read and geek")
and now they won't see each other over solstice i wonder how that's going to go i just know the texts are not gonna stop flowing i can not wait to see why happens in chapter 10
Chapter ten is currently 13.1k. :)
And in a slightly different format. But only slightly. You'll see what I mean when it's released <3
yoon please give a spoiler like a minor one okay give us a line a quote something please 🥹🖤
👀👀👀👀
Picasso [3:24pm]: Hey, if I wanted to mail you something while ur home, how would I do that??
👀👀👀👀
yoon you know i adore you and seeing how you have grown as a writer is the most beautiful thing and i just know you are going to do so many more great things i want you know i am here always and i adore you, your happiness means the world to me and i hope you are smiling and your days are filled with happiness - kiki 🖤
You know? I thought it was raining from how wet my face and clothes were, but it was actually just the ocean of tears this just made me shed in a downpour.
I can never, and will never be able to tell you how important reviews and humans like you are to me in particular, but to writers and creatives out there who do what I do. There is no us without you. I will say it in every. single. review. you write me, but you and folks like you are the reason fic and fic community stays alive, and I can never thank you enough for it. I'm so thankful and grateful for your constant and unwavering support, and for being on this wild writing ride with me as I grow with it.
I hope I can keep up the consistency of the writing style, and only improve as I go, as well as not screw up this story you love so dearly. I promise to try my best.
I am absolutely smilling and filled with happiness. I hope you are the same <3
Xo, Yoon
To What We Were Before, And All The Things After | JJK | Ch. 9
Title: Sugar Cookies and Devious Confessions
Pairing: Prince!College Student!JK x Fine Arts Major!(F)!Reader
Series Rating//Genre: (M) | College AU, Mild Royalty AU, Smut, Angst, Fluff, S2F2L, Indiffernce to lovers, sloooowwww ass burn
Summary: Exams season and Solstice? Consider YN locked in, loaded, ready to go, hangry, and sentimental. Jungkook is just along for the ride with a hefty side of acts of service, quality time and physical touch are his love languages. Who'da thunk?
Warnings: T, language, fluff, so much fluff actually, I've surprised myself, semi-sexual conversations, JK is a menace but Reader can keep up...mostly, touch of angst tbh, reader gets hangry and is bad at taking care of herself sometimes, but apologises and makes up for it, mostly just wholesome this time. And fun!
Word Count: 6,675
Release Date: December 8, 2024. 12:30PM
A/N 1: Hiiiiiiiiiiii. It's here, thank you to those who reminded me. I literally would have forgotten for the third week in a row without them. I love you all.
A/N 1.5: Chapter ten will be coming sometime between Dec 20th-30th as it is festive and that's all I will say about it.
Series: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight
Jungkook’s learned many things about you since your friendship started.
From your favourite colours to your favourite brush to paint with. He learned that you are always team morally gray love interest in the books you read in your limited spare time, although that one was learned a little against your will.
He’d wanted to know why you always went for them, and very begrudgingly you admitted you found it appealing when they’d do anything to protect the main character. That they always did what they thought was best or what needed to be done despite their sad backstory, because for some reason, they all had sad backstories.
Every. Single. One of them.
And you claimed it suckered you in every time.
But through all of your time spent together—specifically during midterms—Jungkook learned just how much you ignore all of your basic needs as a human being when it comes to exams season.
How you’ll forget to eat all day in favour of studying, or staying up late to finish your practical exam projects, making absolutely sure they’re up to your impossibly high standards, disregarding sleep.
So it doesn’t surprise him when he turns the corner to the greenhouse cafe to see you, thinner than normal with bags under your eyes, slaving away at something on your computer.
He hates that he can tell you’ve lost weight through your winter clothing.
You look up, briefly smiling in greeting. He can tell just from how long it took you to notice him that you need a break, a good healthy meal and some sleep.
He smiles back, but bypasses you and walks straight into the cafe. You don’t think twice about it, already knowing what he’s doing.
“Hey Vivian,” he says to the barista.
“Hey JK, the regular?” She's restocking some cups and lids to the counter.
“Please, but tag on a hot chocolate for YN and some tarts.” Vivian nods, typing the order into the cashing system, very much used to either of you adding on each other's order to your own at this point.
“Machines ready for you,” she says, already prepping the first drink—his by the looks of it.
Jungkook pays and waits patiently, watching you from the window.
“How long’s she been here?” he asks over the currently frothing milk—that’s for your hot chocolate.
“Since seven. She grabbed a tea and hasn’t moved since.”
It’s almost 1:30 now, and Viv looks at him knowingly. She’s watched you do this to yourself every mid-term and exam season since you started.
“Ah. I see.” He purses his lips.
It’s only a few minutes before the drinks and tarts are ready. Jungkook grabs them and heads out the door, calling a thank you over his shoulder.
“Okay look,” he says to grab your attention as he stands directly in front of you. The act of walking to the front of you alone clearly not enough to gain it.
Looking up, your eyes widen in glee at the treats he carries. You attempt to reach for them but he pulls them back.
“Nuh uh, you need food.”
You look at him confused. “Those are food.”
“No, these are the reward. You need a meal.”
You try to interrupt him. Most likely to say you do eat meals, but instant ramen or a box of mac'n'cheese do not count, and he cuts you off before you can. “A healthy meal, Picasso, something to give your body nourishment and energy. One that fills you up.”
You scowl at him.
“But–”
“No buts,” he cuts you off again. “Healthy food. Full, happy belly food,” he says, gently patting his stomach so not as to spill his drink. “Pack up, we’re going to the cafeteria and getting you some.”
“But–”
“Y/N,” he says sternly, giving you a look that says he will not be budging on this, and that if you refuse, he’s going to throw you over his shoulder to ensure it happens.
It was the voice of a future King, he thinks. Then internally shudders. That’s not who he is with you, but he can admit that sometimes this side of him comes in handy during times like these.
“Fine.” You snip, very clearly not happy about this.
Fortunately, you don’t seem to have any art supplies with you today, just your computer, a notepad and pencil case. You gather them quickly, throwing them into your backpack with an annoyed look because you don’t want to stop, but he’s forcing your hand.
He doesn’t care. You need this, and it’s clear as hell you were not going to do it on your own.
You were so fucking stubborn sometimes.
His mask, hat and baggy shirt combo mixed with some large combat boots and a slight slouch in posture has worked wonders disguising him from the public so far. In fact, he’s pretty sure it intimidates some people seeing as how they nearly jump out of his way. You’ve joked about it before, calling it his ‘scary dog privilege’…whatever that meant.
Jungkook doesn’t mind, though. Despite being four months into the school year, and his speech at the beginning, people still fawn and stare at him. Trying to get his attention, his approval. Anything to get something from him, even if it’s just a look in their direction.
He wonders if it will ever die down, if it'll ever go away. Or if with new freshmen every year, a new horde of people will seek him out.
So, he’s grateful that with this little disguise on, no one bats an eye at him as you two walk the fifteen minutes it takes to get across campus to the cafeteria. He knows you’re more than mentally drained, because you’re not checking over your shoulder every few seconds to make sure no one realizes you’re with him like you usually do.
You enter the main building, luckily the cafeteria on the ground floor, just near the back. Once there, you walk straight to the fridge of premade to-go foods. Grabbing a fruit cup, a chicken caesar salad, and a container of mixed vegetables with dip, you turn to him.
“Is this good enough for you?” you snark.
“Yep, great choices,” he says, ignoring your tone. “Very healthy and nutritious. Plus you nearly have all the food groups.”
“I do have all the food groups,” you say back, deadpan.
Wow…
You really need some sleep, he’s never heard you sound so lifeless. Or mean. You’re only ever truly mean when you’re beyond exhausted, too tired to care.
He’d say your mood and overall vibe is like a mixture of brown and gray, but he knows if he said it out loud you’d make him specify which specific shades of brown and gray, so he keeps the thought to himself. Both not to provoke you and to be polite.
“You’re missing dairy and grain,” he says.
You point to his hands holding the tarts and drink.
“Fair point,” he concedes, and trails you to the register, grabbing a protein shake from a nearby fridge on the way. His card is out and paying before you can reach for your wallet and you accept it, even too worn out to yell at him for buying you something.
Hot chocolate and the occasional bag of tarts you're fine with, because half the time you’re also buying him his coffee and sharing your tarts, so you see it as a fair trade. But anything outside those and you damn near throw a fit, claiming you don’t need him to spend his money on you.
You never want anything from him, so unlike everyone else in his life.
He leads you to a more private booth in the corner, scary dog privilege in full effect as no one dares stand in his way, and you very unceremoniously plop down, sluggishly shucking off your bag and coat.
Definitely a brownish-gray.
You two eat and drink in silence; you, slowly picking away at your food, him, finishing his drink then eating the vegetables from the container you don’t like. It’s a peaceful silence, contented as your mood gradually improves and some colour returns to your face the more you get into your system.
The sight relieves him.
“Sorry,” you say, eyes glued to the table, unable to look at him. And he knows it’s for the way you treated him pre-food.
“No worries,” he replies. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. That's good.”
Jungkook wasn’t going to push, but now that your mood’s improving, he hopes it’s safe to.
“Hey,” you look up at him, the bags under your eyes more evident under the artificial light and his heart breaks a little at the sight. “Promise me you’ll get some sleep tonight?”
A small close lipped smile finds your face, eyes soft, appreciative. The corner of his own lifts to match.
“I promise I’ll try.”
You fall asleep early that night, 9pm.
You don’t know what allows you to, but your exam worries fade and assignment anxiety slips from your mind the heavier your eyes grow. In the back of your head however, a thought slips through your defenses; you know it’s because of the look in Jungkook's eyes when he’d asked you too.
The one of worry—genuine worry—for you.
You hate yourself for causing it. You never want him to have to worry about you, god…he already has so much on his plate, you don’t want to add to it.
But mostly…
But mostly you let yourself succumb to slumber because you don’t want to disappoint him.
He asked you so kindly, and you know he had your best interests at heart when he did. He always does.
You don’t have it in you to deny him that simple favour. To take care of yourself a little better.
So you sleep, just this once. For him. To help relieve him of the stress you caused.
And you know that that thought is what lets you until 10am the next day.
You feel better than you have in weeks.
You have everything you could possibly need to make all the recipes you have planned for today. Eggs, flour, sugar, soju, cutters, extracts, ginger, honey, chocolate chips, food colouring, some fruit concentrates and more are stuffed into the bags that dangle from your now struggling arms. There’s also another much lighter bag filled with a surprise for him that sits near the crook of your elbow.
Jungkook’s not going to know what hit him.
The door clicks open and you watch his eyes nearly leave his skull before he reaches to take them from you.
“Oh wow, you really weren’t kidding were you,” he says as he takes them to the kitchen with ease.
Stupid muscles, you think, but the thought doesn’t hold for too long, glad at having your arm circulation back.
“Solstice cookies are no joke in my house,” you say, following him.
“Clearly.”
He starts taking things out of the bags and you grab the one with the surprise in it before he can get to it.
“Won’t we need that?” he asks.
“Yes, but it’s not for cookies,” you start backing away towards the living room, bag behind your back. “It’s a surprise.”
Jungkook has a goofy grin plastered on his face as he follows you, and you put one on to match.
You stand in front of the coffee table and order him to sit and close his eyes, a sarcastic ‘yes ma’am’ comes from his lips, but he does as told.
You set the contents of the bag on the coffee table; a small fake tree with built in lights, some tiny baubles in a box, a star, a polaroid camera and a custom, empty ornament.
“Okay, open!”
Jungkook opens his eyes and the same goofy grin returns, but this time there’s a sparkle in his eyes that you’ve never seen before.
His voice is gentle and lovely when he asks, “What’s all this Picasso?”
“Your very own tree to decorate. We have lights, decorations, even a star for the top,” you say as he leans and picks up the star. “You said you didn’t really celebrate anymore so I wanted to bring some celebration back to you—if you wanted to, that is.”
He twirls the star in his hand, smile never leaving, as he inspects it closer. “Did you make this?”
You turn sheepish. “Ah… yeah. They don’t really sell mini toppers for the mini trees, just the baubles, so that guy’s made from the finest cereal box cardboard and tinfoil on the market.”
He just stares, at the star, at the tree, then to you. You can’t tell if you screwed up or not. Did he hate this?
But then he’s standing and you’re in his arms as he hugs you.
You freeze, unsure of what to do for a second, before you let your arms go around him, hugging him back.
He’s solid, you can feel the strength in him as he breathes, and the weight in his arms as they hold you.
But also warm. So warm your cheeks start to heat to match the rest of your body that seems to be on fire.
It ends before it barely started, and you find yourself missing him the second he’s gone.
“Sorry,” he says, shaking his head as if not realizing what he’d just done until after he stopped. You want to tell him it was okay, but he says, “thank you,” immediately after, and squats down to open the baubles.
“You’re welcome,” you say as you watch, sitting down on the couch. He looks like a kid, the brightest of smiles on his face as he goes to place the first one, but pauses, and hands it to you.
“You know better than me where to start.”
You giggle, placing the red sphere near the middle, and gesture for him to put on the next one. It continues like this until the box is empty, you then him, then you then him. He places the last ornament and looks to you, star in hand.
“You do it,” you say. You’ve done this a million times with your mum, you doubt he’s done the same.
He carefully grabs the top branch that sticks up, placing the star over it. Your heart swells at how gentle he is with your handmade decoration.
“Now the last step,” you say, as you reach for the camera. This was your favourite tradition with your mother, the yearly solstice picture. You have one from every single year after you were born, and even one with you in your mum’s belly.
“Turn around,” you say, spinning your finger and he does, you follow.
You’re both on the ground in front of the tree, and you lift the camera, leaning into him. Still so warm. He leans right back.
“Say 'Solstice!'” you call out, and smile.
“Solstice,” he says with you as you snap the picture.
You pause for a moment, making sure the image is done capturing before leaning away again.
The image prints out, and you take hold of it, shaking so it develops faster.
“Can you get some scissors, and a permanent marker?” you ask Jungkook. He leaves for only a moment, returning from the kitchen, scissors and marker in hand.
You reach for the empty, custom ornament. It’s a camera, and where the lens would be is a spot for a picture. Cutting the polaroid to fit, you slide it in, and write solstice followed by the year on the back of the ornament. You put it in the middle of the tree, letting the baubles frame it.
You don’t see Jungkook watching you do all of this, a look in his eye that would melt you if you saw.
“And now for the magic,” you say, turning on the built-in lights. The tree twinkles as the little LEDs reflect off baubles, like stars on a clear night winking at one another.
You're too busy looking at the tree when you hear a click. Following the sound you see Jungkook, polaroid camera in hand, lens facing you. The image pops out and he grabs it, placing it on the coffee table beside the tree.
“Aren't you supposed to shake it?” you ask.
He looks purely serene as he responds. “Nah, polaroids have chemicals and dyes layered in them, so if you shake them you can get microbubbles or marks on them.”
You didn’t know that, but it doesn’t surprise you in the slightest that he does. His talent for photography, a result of years of study and practice.
“Oh, good to know,” you say as you take the camera from him, and direct him to look at the tree. You snap a picture to match your own, placing it on the table beside the one he took.
He stays sat there, staring at the tree for a while, the occasional flit towards you before the tree once again.
“It’s perfect,” Jungkook says, breaking the comfortable silence. He clears his throat before adding. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
You don’t know what else to say besides that, but you can see the happiness in his eyes. Their glow. Their warmth.
You don’t think you need to say more.
He knows.
Time is quickly passing, and you have five recipes to get through today. So as much as you find yourself not wanting to move, perfectly happy sitting here with him for the rest of the day in this beautiful silence, you can’t. The tree is only the beginning of your day together.
“Cookie time?” you ask.
Jungkook looks to you and takes a deep breath, as if he was also content to stay where you were for the day.
Just you, him and the tree.
“Cookie time.”
“You bitch!” you say as flour flies from his hand to your cheek.
You were three and a half recipes in, having made two easier recipes first to ease him into a more difficult one. Shortbread, maejakgwa, and gingerbread now sit around in tupperware and cooling sheets around the apartment.
But because of that, Jungkook is slowly losing all seriousness as you retrieve the sugar cookie dough from his fridge. It was actually the first thing you’d made, knowing it had to chill for a while beforehand, hence the three and a half.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says, all knowing smirk plastered on his face like a neon billboard.
You refuse to sink to his childish levels, and remove the beautifully chilled dough from its refrigerator bowl. Wiping your face with a cloth to clean yourself of the flour, you order him over.
“Come use all your unnecessary muscles to roll this out, quarter inch thick,” holding out the rolling pin to him. The smirk lessons only slightly, but he does as told.
“All my muscles are unnecessary, huh?” he says after a minute of rolling. You’re by the sink washing some dishes as he does and you can all but physically see the egging in his voice.
“Yes.”
“And why’s that?” He asks as he finishes rolling out the dough and begins on his cookie cutter decisions. You’ve learned he’s particular about which one’s he wants to use for which type of cookie.
“Because you have like a million eight foot tall, 450 pound security guards following your every move at all times,” you say, as if this was obvious. In reality, it was a solid team of six guards who were at their tallest 6 '4, and maybe 285 at their heaviest.
Admittedly, they were all really nice guys, having met them numerous times over the months. And you were planning on stealing some of the cookies from today to give them little solstice bags.
Jungkook’s never going to be able to eat them all by himself anyway…you think. And even if he could, he really shouldn’t.
“So, because I have security guards,” he looks at you unbelievingly, “my muscles are unnecessary?”
“Yes. Why have them if you don’t need them?” At this point you’re just teasing him.
“Lots of reasons,” and he starts listing as you continue to clean. “They look nice, but that's obvious.”
“I’m sure your groupies don’t mind that at all,” you sneak in under your breath, referring to his enormous, and rather lewd mouthed female following on social media.
“Hey, you leave my groupies out of this, they’re nice people,” he says, pointing a white powdered finger. You scoff and go back to the dishes mumbling something about how they feed his ego.
“There’s also the fact that I like being strong. I like that I don’t get winded from jogging up the stairs, and I like that I have the ability to help damsels who show up at my place with their arms full of far too many heavy bags.”
You shoot him a glare and he laughs. “You can’t say I’m wrong.”
You also don’t have to acknowledge that comment.
He takes it as a win in your ever ongoing battle of wits. And just to try and even out the playing field a little more, as you are currently winning by a landslide, he adds on a little more to his answer, hopefully one you’re not expecting, and therefore winning by shock factor.
“There’s other reasons too, but those are a lot less PG, to say the least.”
He—
Your hands pause their ministrations for mere seconds before continuing.
How did he say it so…casually!?
Like he didn’t essentially just tell you he likes being strong for bedroom purposes. A topic you’ve never been anywhere near speaking to him about, and he just… brings it up like that? So cryptically as if he wants you to ask for clarification.
And you do want clarification, damn him!
You hate that it makes you curious. Hate. It.
You like knowing things, not to be nosey, but because you like the mental safety it brings. When you and Nel first started having sex you did a deep dive on everything you could, to make sure nothing was a surprise and that you didn’t hurt yourself or him if you tried anything new.
Little did you know half of the research was for nothing. Nel has never been the most sexually adventurous person, whereas you wanted to try out new things, explore, see what you like via trial and error, he was fine with good ole missionary and a handful of other basic positions.
What you two do now works though. And that’s what counts. Compromise. Overcome. Enjoy and respect each other's boundaries.
But it makes you wonder if Jungkook knows anything you don’t.
That reason alone is apparently enough for you to hear, “Like what?” leave your lips before you can stop it. And you internally freak.
What the fuck! You did not just ask him that.
That did not just come out of your mouth.
You did not jus-
“You really wanna know?” he asks, eyeing you over his shoulder with a single quirked brow, like he can’t believe you said it either, but he’ll dish you if you want him too.
How interesting. You don’t remember gaining this level of trust from him, to be honest about something so personal. So private.
You wonder when that happened.
No, you say in your mind. But your head is gingerly nodding yes.
Stop that! You think to your body, betraying you once again.
Jungkook hums before picking up a cutter, a simple circle.
“Well,” he punctuates the word with a cutter punch. “Uhh…there’s a certain level of—” a punch, “—power dynamic I prefer having, and they definitely help with that,” another cutter punch. “I also like being able to lift my partner with relative ease, or carry them if need be. Legs around my hips is a personal favourite.”
Your dishwashing slows as he continues, unable to stop the images that flood your mind thanks to your visual thinking.
Stupid art brain.
A small pool of heat starts to form low in your stomach. Stupid art brain.
After some more circular cutter punches, you think he’s finished and you’re relieved, but then he switches to a spikier one and continues.
“I’ve also learned that finger strength seems to be a fan favourite,” he jokes and you gulp, forcing that thought out of your head as soon as it enters like a slingshot. “And most of my previous partners seemed to enjoy the fact that I could, uhm…well, that I could hold them in place while I did… that is…whatever I wanted to them.”
You ignore the wetness in forming your underwear. This conversation, regardless of who it was with, was not helping you and your complete and utter lack of sex.
Another enormous downside to long distance, your libido and its easily excitable nature due to lack of use. Maybe an appointment with your vibrator is due soon, if you’re this affected by these attempts at sterile descriptions of sexual-like encounters. He isn’t even saying anything expressly dirty. He’s trying to be as respectful and informative in his answers as he can.
Plus, you did this to yourself.
“But if I had to pick, I think there’s a tie for my favourite part about having unnecessary muscles for non PG purposes,” he says, and looks at you with another quirked brow, seeing if he’s allowed to proceed.
You’ve entirely stopped washing the dishes. Too focused on not focusing on the growing need blooming inside you.
Oh yes, you’re penciling it in right now: Vibrator appointment. Tonight. 10:30pm.
Sharp.
Time to accept the consequences of your actions.
“Consider it a potential learning opportunity. Academically speaking, of course,” you say, as a way to make this educational. That’s all this is anyway right? To see if he knows anything you don’t.
Right?
Right.
“If you say so Picasso.” He tears the leftover dough from the neatly cut cookies, and starts laying them on a baking pan. “First, I like that I’m strong enough to flip my partner over whether they’re, uhm...” he struggles for an ‘academic’ sounding word, but settles for, “restrained, or not.”
Heat. Everywhere. There's heat everywhere and you immediately go back to the dishes, changing the flowing water to ice cold and ignoring the throbbing of your core. You’re pretty sure if you slipped your hands down your pants right now, they’d be just as wet as they are cleaning the mixing bowls.
Maybe you should reschedule to 10. Or even 9:30. Hell, why not 9 while you’re thinking about it.
“Secondly, I like the muscles because they help me make great use of walls.”
You nearly drop the bowl in the sink, not having nearly enough time to recover before he’s looking at you again, sugar cookie filled baking pan in hand.
“You ever done something like that?” he asks, sly smirk visible. He’s trying to make light of the situation, make it a joke for the sake of comfortability.
He’s spilling ‘all’ his secrets, why shouldn’t you spill one.
The oven dings, signaling the preheating is complete and it’s ready for use. He comes closer to you, only because the oven is opposite the sink, puts them in and sets the oven’s timer for 12 minutes. Turning back around, he’s not two feet from you.
You force your voice to be as smooth and cool as possible as you face him, your own smirk plastered.
“Wouldn't you like to know?”
Yes, yes he would.
“Call your goons in, I have their bags ready.”
“They’re not my goons,” Jungkook says, texting Shen, head of his security detail. “They’re my guards.”
You’re both finishing up cleaning the kitchen, all of the ingredients are put away, the dishes are cleaned, and Jungkook is washing down the counterspace as you write the names of everyone on the little bags filled with the results of your combined labours.
The coffee table is covered in little polaroids from today, all still resting from when they developed. Half of them have some form of baking related mess on them, be it some flour or a small lump of dough.
You look at one he took after throwing more flour on you, your nose is scrunched and it looks like half your face is white with the stuff. It’s cute. There’s another beside it, Jungkook is pretending to lick raw batter from the whisk, eyes wide, tongue outstretched. It’s chaotic.
They’re perfect.
Shen, Dae-Seong, Asa, Rowan, Micah and Hikari are Jungkook’s security detail. They all have shared apartments in the same building. Never too far away. Shen and Asa are stationed on his floor, Mikah and Rowan are on the floor below and Dae-Seong and Hikari are on the one above.
“Guards, goons, same difference,” you say, but you hear knocking not seconds later, no doubt Shen and Asa.
You go and open the door, welcoming them in.
“Hey Y/N,” Asa says, scooping you up for a hug, your feet dangling. Asa’s one of the guards who’s super tall, and he’s always been very affectionate towards you. Come to think of it, a lot of them are.
“Hey Asa, how’s Natalie?” you chuckle, hugging him back lightly. Natalie is his wife, who's still back in the capital.
“She’s good, excited to have me home soon.”
“No doubt, say hi for me.”
“Yeah, will do.”
He sets you down just in time for another knock.
Rowan, Micah, Hikari and Dae-Seong all make their way in too, giving high fives, light hugs or happy greetings to you as they do. Soon, you’re being towered over by men, feeling very small, but never scared as they are always so lovely to you.
You suspect you’re quickly becoming their favourite.
Jungkook they’re used to seeing, they’ve known him for years, protected him for years. They give him shit, a nod or grab him by the neck with their arms as they play wrestle to greet him. No hugs or high fives to be seen with him, only laughter. Mostly at Jungkook.
When they’re around, Jungkook is the most at ease you’ve ever seen him at.
“So what’s up?” Shen asks. He’s the least affectionate out of everyone, stoic even, but that doesn’t surprise you. He’s responsible for the safety of the future monarch, that’s a stressful job.
You look to Jungkook, who’s now sitting on the couch. He signals with a hand that this is all you.
“I don’t know if you all celebrate, but just in case you do, Jungkook and I spent the day baking,” Rowan snorts at that, and you ignore it, motioning for them to follow you to the kitchen. The island carrying their individually labeled goody bags comes into their view.
“And this is just a little thank you for all you do from the jackass in the other room,” you point with a thumb to the wall the couch is on the other side of. The men snicker.
“I heard that,” Jungkook calls.
“You were supposed to,” you call back, then to the group once more, “and it’s also a Happy Solstice from me.”
Rowan and Asa are still laughing at your less than kind words about their charge as you begin to hand them their bags. Each one says thank you as you do, and Asa gives you another hug. He may be 6’4 and god knows how many pounds, but really, he was just a big teddy bear—a lethal one— but cuddly nonetheless.
“We’ve got a decent selection, but feel free to trade,” you say, giving Shen his bag last. He has a thing with going last, you have no idea why, but you respect it. You whisper to him that he has an extra of each cookie, and not to tell the others, including Jungkook. He gives you the absolute smallest of small smiles, followed by a hushed ‘thank you.’
It’s the most tender you’ve ever seen him.
Micah pipes up. “What’s this one?” he asks, holding up a cookie.
“So, we’ve got gingerbread, maejakgwa, sugar cookies, shortbread and that, my dearest Micah,” the mountain of a man blushes at that, and you laugh, “is a yakgwa cookie. Think chewy honey and ginger.”
He pops it into his mouth instantly and you swear if he could, he’d melt into a puddle.
“There’s no way King Pain in the Ass over there made these, they’re way too good,” Hikari says, on his third one. He seems to be trying one of each, seeing which he likes. So far? Apparently it’s all of them.
“Cross my heart,” you say, “it was a gallant team effort.”
“Thanks kid,” he calls to the prince, currently entering the room to see his guards happier than he has in a very long time. He will never admit it out loud, for fear of endless mocking, but the sight warms his heart.
Dae-Seong comes up to you, and very politely asks, “Could I get the recipe you used for the maejakgwa? My wife would love these.”
“Of course, Dae-Seong,” you place a kind hand on his forearm. “Give Minji my best will you?”
The man nods, grateful.
All the recipes today were from your memory, so you get your phone, and start typing it out.
You have him text it to himself from your phone when you’re finished, and use that as your que to grab the camera.
“Everyone,” you call out, and immediately seven pairs of eyes, with seven full mouths beneath them, are looking at you. Jungkook’s eating some from his own stash, or so you hope. “Crowd your favourite royal on the couch please, it’s picture time.” You shake the camera gently in your hand.
“My favourite royal’s back at the pala–” Hikari tries, but a punch to the shoulder from Jungkook has him laughing in favour of completing the sentence.
You love the relationship he has with them. Like brothers.
Quickly, Jungkook is squished between the six men, one on either side and four on the floor in front of him. They tried to fit more on the couch but they're all so big that they couldn’t.
“Everyone needs to smile, and if they don't, I'm taking more until they do,” you say pointedly, eyeing up Shen. He only nods that he understands.
“Say Solstice!”
A chorus of deep voiced ‘solstice's' ring your eyes as you look through the eyepiece and snap the picture. It prints out and you leave it with all the others on the coffee table. You see that everyone is smiling in the picture as it develops.
Perfect. Everything about today has been perfect.
After a few more minutes of chatting, the guards have to get back to their posts, and you’re at the door, wishing everyone a happy break as they leave.
Shen, as usual, hangs back, wanting to be the last to leave. He’s standing beside Jungkook, both watching you as you bid the others farewell.
“I like her,” Shen says to Jungkook quietly.
“Me too,” Jungkook says back.
Shen can see the prince means that in more than one way.
“Keep her around.”
“I'm trying my best to.”
It’s nearing 7:30, you’re both full after ordering dinner in, not wanting to be anywhere near a kitchen until next week, and working on assignments. Jungkook’s editing some photos, and you’re writing part of an essay from your phone, having completely forgotten to bring your computer in all the excitement.
“Hey,” you say, sitting in your spot on the couch. You nudge him with a socked foot, he has headphones on so he can focus.
He doesn’t look to you, but removes a headphone. “Yeah?”
You lock your phone, brain mush for the night. “Can we move movie night to tonight? I have an exam at 8am on Monday and I want to use tomorrow to study.”
You’ve been thinking about it for a while, deciding that today would let you know if you needed to make the switch or not. And given that you’ve spent the day on your feet and partially socializing, you doubt you’ll be able to focus for the rest of the night, exhausted. But the good kind of exhausted.
You’ve been taking better care of yourself since that day with Jungkook. Not drastically, but you’re starting to listen to your body’s signals a little more, and right now it’s telling you you need TV and sleep.
Appointment be damned. You’ll reschedule.
Jungkook hits the space bar and removes his headphones before closing the computer.
“Yeah, of course. But–” he cuts himself off, looking at the tree in front of him. The lights are low in the apartment and it’s dark out, so the tree shines, glowing from within. The picture of you two still sits in the middle, and the now multiple stacks of polaroids sit around its base like presents.
“But?”
“But that means I won’t see you after today. I only have two exams left, Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning, then I’m back at the palace.”
Oh.
Right.
“We don’t have to, I can just study earlier in the d-”
“No! No, it’s okay. It just…it changes a few things,” he bites his lip as he thinks, and places his computer on the coffee table. “Close your eyes.”
“What?”
“Close your eyes Picasso, please?”
You’re very confused but comply, closing your eyes and waiting. You hear him get up and then him walking, then a door opens. There’s some rummaging before the door closes and his footsteps near again.
The couch dips right beside you.
“Hold out your hands.”
You hold them both out, palms up, and something bumpy and cylindrical is placed in them.
“Okay, open.”
In your hands is a leather rolling brush case, held shut by not only matching leather strings, but a red ribbon and bow.
“Oh,” you didn’t know you were doing gifts. “Jungkook. It’s—it’s beautiful.”
“Open it.”
You untie the ribbon, setting it to the side as you also untie the leather strings, and unroll. The case is filled with brushes from Olliveri and Schultz, the best brush makers in the realm. And a small, very surprised gasp escapes you.
You’ve never once owned any of their products. Their brushes go for $50 at the lowest, for the smallest of brushes.
Exquisite craftsmanship goes into each and every brush, hand carved wooden handles, the best bristles you can buy, and rust resistant ferrule. You’ve always dreamed of having one of their brushes, and now here you are, with a whole set.
They’re the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.
“Jungkook I—I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t possibly acce-”
“Yes you can. You can and you will. Please. I even made sure they put in an extra fan brush cuz it’s your favourite.”
You notice the two brushes on the end, identical.
He remembered.
A lump is forming in your throat, overwhelmed with gratitude.
“I haven’t—I don’t—,” you take a breath, “I didn’t get you a gift, though.”
“Today was gift enough,” he says, and you can see in his eyes he means every word. “I haven't had a solstice like this in…a really long time, and the memories from today are enough, more than enough. I promise.”
You don’t know what to say, you haven’t been at this much of a loss for words since…ever. You can only think of one thing to convey how thankful you are.
Throwing your arms around his shoulders, you squeeze, his arms immediately around your waist.
“Thank you,” you whisper, “I love them.”
Jungkook takes a deep breath too, savouring this moment for as long as he can. The feel of your arms around him, squeezing. The soft curve of your body up against his. His hands on your waist, you’re warmth under his touch, or maybe that was him, he can’t tell. And he doesn’t care.
It’s the first time you’ve ever initiated physical contact that was more than a nudge or playful shove.
“You’re welcome, YN. Happy Solstice.”
Chapter Ten: TBR
A/N 2: Fun fact! The tree and tin foil star are based on what I do irl. I have a dollarstore tree with little baubles and lights, but I made the star from a cereal box and tin foil because there weren't any toppers when I bought it.
A/N 3: As always, Thank you for reading, loves. Xoxo - Yoon <3
<- Back
#YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY WE DID IT#WE GOT HERE#I am so proud of us#thankyou always for the review#i adore you#you make the world spin#I hope these have been matching the energy and then some#catch you on the next one? hopefully soon if i can get my shit together#reviews#TWWWBAATTA reviews#Sugar Cookies and Devious Confessions#Moonchild1#KIKI<3#typos? what typos? *there are no typos* *there is no war in ba sing se*
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charlie & reader. fluff, slightly suggestive.
★ charlie is usually fine being away for work—he’s used to traveling, used to filming for days at a time—but being away from you? suddenly, it’s the worst thing in the world.
★ the moment he gets to cali for chuckle sandwich recording, his phone is practically glued to his hand. texting you between takes, sending voice memos, calling when he has even five spare minutes.
★ you’re just as bad. even though you’re busy with your own work, you keep checking your phone, sending him messages like:
you: i miss u so much baby :(
charlie: miss u more, babe <3 i hate it here w/o u
you: don’t let schlatt bully u too much lol
charlie: too late. he said my hair looks stupid.
you: gaslight him into thinking he’s bald.
charlie: ur so smart. this is why i love u.
★ facetime calls at night where both of you are half-asleep, but neither of you want to hang up first.
★ “just stay on the phone,” charlie mumbles, voice thick with sleep. “i don’t care if you’re quiet, just wanna feel like ‘m with you.”
★ when you finally get time to call during the day, charlie’s grinning like an idiot the second your face pops up on his screen. “holy shit, you’re even prettier than i remember,” he teases, making you roll your eyes.
★ you both send each other the dumbest updates. blurry selfies, random thoughts, voice messages that are just exaggerated sighs of longing.
you: wish i could be in ur arms rn.
charlie: wish i could kiss ur dumb face.
you: wish i could hold ur hand and rub circles into ur palm like u like.
charlie: wish i could bite u. nom nom.
you: BABE.
charlie: morning, baby. how’d you sleep?
you: not great. bed feels weird without you.
charlie: mine too. i kept reaching out for you last night :(
you: we are so pathetic.
charlie: mhm. now gimme a kiss.
you: mwah.
charlie: not enough. i need like. ten.
you: mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah. <3
charlie: much better. i’ll be thinking about that all day.
charlie: wish i could burrow into ur skin and live there forever.
you: what the fuck.
charlie: don’t act like u wouldn’t let me.
you: no i absolutely would.
charlie: see? we’re the same.
charlie: i miss u so bad i might start chewing on furniture.
you: wish that was me.
charlie: chewing on furniture?
you: no, in ur mouth.
charlie: oh my god.
★ if either of you have a bad day, the other immediately drops everything to comfort them over the phone. charlie’s voice is soft, sweet, telling you how much he loves you, how proud he is of you, how he wishes he could hold you.
★ sometimes you both get really freaky over text but it’s either the most unserious conversation ever or it’s the neediest conversation ever?
charlie: [selfie]
you: oh my fucking god u are so handsome im gonna jerk it so hard tonight
charlie: oh word? u better bc im thinking abt u rn and i might just bust it down sensually in ur honor
you: i need u so bad rn :(
charlie: yeahh? what do u need baby ill do my best to please u <3
you: [selfie]
charlie: gonna go absolutely feral in the bathroom thinking abt this
you: dont threaten me w a good time
★ the moment he’s done with recording and you’re done with work, the countdown begins.
charlie: TWO MORE DAYS BABY I’M GONNA KISS U SO HARD WHEN I SEE U
you: not if i kiss u first, been waiting all week for that shit
★ when you’re finally back together? oh, you’re not leaving each other’s side for at least a week. fully attached at the hip, constantly touching, making up for every second apart.
© slcmml
#slcmml posts#long distance w him would be so painful#id follow him around like a lost puppy#i could never#charlie slimecicle x reader#mdni#charlie slimecicle#slimecicle#slmccl
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i feel like in the cosplay community everyone is always working on a New Project. but idk. i like my cosplays. i don't have any desire to dress up as anyone but the characters I already have cosplays for. what if i don't have a new project. what if i don't want one.
#trb.txt#can i just hang out. and not make anything new all the time. and just wear the stuff ive worn before.#anyway i was on campus until 9 and then i dropped off all my frie ds and then i practiced my presentation and i#DID NOT have time to find a important item i have misplaced.#i am instead going to bed#hey if you were a. uh. home made leather muzzle. and you absolutely had to be INSIDE the apartment. where would you hide.#anyway i do have low key plans to improve my harrow but i am having like#BODY ISSUES WEARING HER. idk how to describe#i love the bones i made but wearing them as harrow makes me feel. not good. i dont know what to do about this.#i thknk i need to entierly cover my face and head#but idk how to do that either. like. in character to the design i made.#me when ive only wanted to dress up as characters from the same book series for like 4 years now and dont have any desire to expand that ❤️
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Count Xavier and Count Lehnsherr - SIGN ME UP
count xavier and count lehnsherr lore...
you lot figure that i grow weary......
#snap chats#i am so very sleepy....#how did they become vampires.... idk.... maybe they were born that way...#hang on how come charles the only young lookin one..... erik been de-aged how many times...#they're either both geezers or both like.... idk 30's lookin.. 30's as young as ill permit.... ideally 50's but whatever anyway...#for some reason i keep thinkin charles gets turned into a vampire after adulthood#maybe after the war... would vampirism undo the damage done to his legs As It Turns Out No it cant idk.. thats my only reason for it jgalVK#i want charles in his wheelchair i refuse to let him out of that chair. cool ornate/gothic wheelchair if we can have those....#i mean unless this is a reality where vampires Can have grievous wounds/permanent damage done to them then he can be born one#oh wait is this time period sensitive fuck. different war idk humanity's had a lot of those last i checked JVALKJA#maybe his legs get doused with holy water or some other thing yk... not totally submerged just enough to do real damage#maybe erik can turn charles into a vampire maybe that'll be the twist.. but i dont totally like that...#idk.. im ramblin... i repeat i am so very sleepy.. if we still care in the morn ill have a proper answer... maybe..#talk amongst yourselves in the meantime. however you can in my inbox anyway jLWJLKAJW#just throwin darts at a board idk maybe ideas will coincide.... im sleeping now...
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Pokemon ive heard of em
#my art#been thinking abt this au for weeks since i talked abt teams w my friend#I was gonna draw them with their partner pokemon but i realized 1. Idk how to draw big cats and 2. Idk how to draw birds#But what i do know how to draw is blobs (with or without hair) so the choice was obvious from their respective teams#Neither of their outfits are themed after their respective partners either btw. I didnt know what do do for kris#so i just went w a dancing pokemon to base it off of the way some trainer classes have pokemon motifs like models w liepard coats#Dominos on the other hand. Well. You know .#Anyway! Some thoughts#The region would be similar to sinnoh re: lots of folklore and ruins all over the place. Similar air of mystique#Theyd both be trainers you meet on your journey that help you out at certain points . double battle random teamup style#Kris would be someone who gives u an hm/helps you out w roadblocks in the gym challenge/is also looking into the Evil Team of the region#And joins u in investigations/teams up w you to fight them sometimes. The ‘definitely not the champion’ trainer of the region (she is ofc)#Dmn on the other hand shows up when ur looking into ruins/old legends/etc. hes very obviously suspicious but does help u sometimes so w/e#Sometimes asks you philosophical questions u can answer yes/no to out of the blue . Also gives u dark glasses#Never shows up when anyone else plot relevant is around. Thered be a moment where kris/a rival/someone shows up and is like who u talking 2#And u turn around and hes gone . Maybe multiple of these moments#Obvi when the time comes to raid the evil hideout hes one of their admins or whatever . Big shocker#Dialogue option where u can say I Knew It or How Could You (answers ‘i should hope so i was being super obvious’/‘are you fucking stupid’)#Maybe a branching path depending on ur answers to his q’s he can betray the badguys at the end or not. Regardless he fucks off after u win#Everythings cleared up u go to the elite four and gasp kris is champion (new outfit ((they both get second outfits for their reveals))#And shes like i helped u out so much bc i hate my fucking job and i rly wanted someone strong enough to beat me 2 show up so i can QUIT#and GO HOME bc id feel bad just leaving when shits still fucked (but obvi much nicer bc this is kris shes very polite)#But shes not gonna throw the match so dont worry etcetc. u beat her yippee! Shes like thank GOD and congratulates you and its all very nice#Shes proud of you wow look how far youve come . Here record your pokemon in the special thing ok thanks goodbye forever#And u never see her again ��� even if u rechallenge the elite4 shes gone. In this multiverse she doesnt show up in any of those postgame#Battle facilities shes GONE. IM FREEEE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY FUCKING LIFEEEEE and all that . Good for her#Dominos (if u got him to betray his friends with the power of yesno questions) shows up in the postgame content both in battle facilities +#Those postquests where u catch legendaries and shit . villain hanging out like its normal vibes. He shows no remorse#Scions would be gym leaders ig.Idk if i want twins to be leaders or protags/oblig genderswap rival option. I think that could be fun#ffxiv
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made the mistake of reading through the political discussions on my big family groupchat that I usually keep muted. you must never do such a thing.
#like i knew that a lot of them are conservatives or republicans or whatever but man. even the ones who lean left are still well. mormon.#ive been really back and forth on whether or not i should come out to them but tbh. i have started to lean more toward Not.#when i came out as a nonbinary lesbian they all collectively smiled and nodded and then swept it under the rug never to be seen again#and i let them do it bc i was too afraid to try and stand up for myself. and i was conditioned not to also.#but me being trans is a lot harder to ignore. both bc im fucking tired of being treated like a rug and bc i hope to get a legal name change#and surgery and all that good shit.#but i really dont know how to go about doing all that without having to come out Somehow.#i guess i could always just. cut contact or something. but idk im reluctant to do that bc i still rely on my dad for money/insurance/etc#i dunno.#i wouldnt want to cut off my siblings but i dont know if i want to come out to them either.#idk.#im just fucking scared man. like i knew that for the most part my familys politics suck donkey nuts#but it was just really insane reading thru the chat bc even the ones who i had always thought were Safer are. well. not.#theres only 2 people in my family i fully trust and would actually love to come out to and one of them is my gay uncle (<3)#and the other is my aunt who is the ONLY. other person in my ENTIRE extended family. who has left the church.#i barely see her too bc for obvious reasons she dont hang around much. lmao#but idk. im rambling and melancholic its 1130 pm#my problem here is that there are members of my family i do want to come out to#but thatll very quickly lead to Everyone knowing. and i know im not ready for that.#hrhrggh.#maybe ill come out to my brother next time we talk. as a sort of test run.#im already a lot braver than i used to be and hopefully maybe someday ill be brave enough to come out#and then immediately fuck off into the sunset with my friends <3#sigh.#if im still wanting to come out to my brother by tomorrow when im of sound mind then i think i will.#we'll see how i feel after i sleep. lmao.#winter speaks#personal#we're entering Introspective Hours here at scattered winter dot com
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yo merry christmas i'm thinking about christmas at the hargrove-mayfield's house throughout the years
wanna think about their first christmas together as a family, maybe before neil and susan even got married, or maybe just after. wanna think about what susan got billy for that first december 25th that they knew each other and what neil bought for max. did neil just pass that duty off to susan and stick his name on the from: section of the gift tag or did he put effort in and actually go to the shops and try and find something, specifically for his new step-daughter.
wanna think about the following few christmas' in california where billy never heard from his mom, never even got a fucking christmas card, but max heard from her dad; spending the time between christmas breakfast and christmas lunch on the phone, thanking him for the present he sent in the mail. wanna think about susan listening in, hearing her ex sounding distant and barely focused, agreeing with everything their daughter says, and biting her tongue; half relieved max hasn't picked up on the fact that sam's handwriting and her own is exactly the same, and half mad that sam's willing to take the credit without even blinking.
wanna think about their last christmas in california where they don't even realise it's their last one there; billy hitting his stride in being the worlds moodiest and most hard done by teenager, max following quick in his footsteps. wanna think about how all the gifts hand-picked by susan would be too lame and embarrassing to be thankful for, both kids screwing their nose up at most presents. maybe billy and max exchanging small gifts that christmas becos they haven't been at each others throats all year, only some, and susan thought it would be nice.
wanna think about their first christmas in hawkins, with things still so messy and uncomfortable and rough, but somehow settling into it like it's their new normal. wanna think about it being cold as fuck, none of them prepared for hawkins winters, and everyone walking on eggshells around each other and pretending it's fine. wanna think about max growing up and officially moving into her teenage years and billy counting down the days until he leaves them, adulthood so close yet still so fucking far. wanna think about them all sitting down for christmas dinner and billy barely being acknowledged, things still so tense even though it's been almost two months since everything went to shit, and max forcing out answers every time susan tries to keep the conversation flowing, her doing her best to carry the christmas spirit.
wanna think about a world where there's no living nightmares, no government conspiracies, and no death, but billy still spirals out of control anyway, feeling trapped and cornered in an unfamiliar town with unfamiliar people, his only solution to lash out and fight, anger and violence and distrust being all he knows. wanna think about max coming to the realisation that there's bigger monsters than her asshole step-brother, that maybe billy isn't the start of everyone's problems, just always somehow the end of them. want her to trace the line back to the source and realise neither of them ever stood a fucking chance.
wanna think about a christmas where billy's eighteen and max is fifteen, and they still live on cherry lane, and neil still fucking sucks, and susan still fucking tries, and everything's still awkward, the four of them never quite becoming the family unit their parents try to pretend them to be, but maybe billy and max get along these days, in a way they never could when they were younger, them going from being against each other to realising it's team up or be picked apart.
max gives him a present she saved up for for months, maybe as they're all going to bed, and billy raises an eyebrow at her before sighing and unwrapping it, still too fucking stubborn to be able to say thank you, but somehow brave enough to reach a hand into his room and grab out a present he got for her, and it's unwrapped cos he hasn't wrapped a present since his mom left, so max does her little sister duty and tells him she loves the wrapping and effort he put into it, before actually looking at what he got her, and he walks into his room and closes the door before she can even acknowledge it for the gift it is.
wanna think about billy eventually moving out, but not making it far; too fucking broke to live out his dreams of going home. wanna think about neil clapping him on the back on moving day and telling him he's done good, that this is what growing up is. graduating school, getting a job, moving out, providing for yourself. that's what makes a man. that it was rough there for a while, and he was worried, but he's glad to see his son's shaped up and straightened out finally, thanks to his solid parenting. wanna think about billy having no idea how to react, thinking that's the closest he'll ever get to his dad saying he's proud of him. wanna think about max helping him move and helping him chose a couch, claiming it has to be comfortable enough to sleep on when she crashes there on school breaks. want billy to tell her to get fucked, but buy the couch she picked out anyway.
wanna think about his first christmas out of home, and how how he probably feels indifferent about it at best, and pain about it at worst. christmas was never like the movies growing up, no matter how much susan tried, so it's not like being alone and having no decorations or presents is going to hurt, but he has enough memories of his mum, and a few moments over the years from when max and susan tried, and there's such a build up and fucking atmosphere about it all in hawkins that he can't escape it even if he tried, and he's starting to realise maybe he's really fucking lonely.
wanna think about neil calling him up and billy answering, cos now that they don't live in the same house and billy's finally taking responsibility for his own life, neil's like a whole new person. he wants to do father-son shit like talk about cars, offer advice about fixing the kitchen sink, tell him when to hire someone to fix something and when you should be able to fix something yourself, wants to watch sports games and crack open a beer on a saturday afternoon, and billy makes up reasons to say no most of the time, but sometimes he caves and says yes, cos there's a small part of him that's always wanted this. wanna think about neil calling and asking billy when he's coming over for christmas, saying that susan's cooking his favourite. wanna think about billy not even knowing what his favourite is, but saying he'll be at breakfast by 7:30am before he can stop himself.
wanna think about billy staying 'til afternoon and max raising an eyebrow at him, muttering don't you have a home to go to? while they clean up after lunch, but then neil offers him a beer, so he ignores her, and listens when his dad says he's welcome to stay for dinner, too. wanna think about billy and max smoking a joint out the back while their parents end the day with a christmas movie, and max turns to him and asks him what neil's deal is these days, and billy shrugs her off, too stubborn to look at it all too closely.
wanna think about billy pulling some money out of his wallet cos he has some now, and he didn't have time to get a present, too busy working overtime, but he has cash, so that'll do. wanna think about max handing him a new zippo, then somehow unearthing a whole-ass wrapped present, and when he opens it, it's a set of cheap fake glass cups, becos billy doesn't have any yet and every time she comes over she has to drink something either directly from the bottle in the fridge or remember her own drink bottle, and it's a housewarming gift, asshole, and this isn't my house, billy thinks, this isn't my fucking home, but it's also all he's got, so he finds a place for them in the cupboard above the sink, and max hunts them down the next time she's over first thing.
wanna think about christmas' in their future, when max moves out, when they're in their 20's and 30's, maybe billy keeps coming home, finding an uneasy peace with his dad reserved for special occasions only, the only few times of the year he's willing to lie to himself and pretend things were never as bad as his memories made them out to be, or maybe everything eventually crumbles, and billy finally gets to put some real distance between them, and finally then, he can breathe and stop pretending.
maybe max continues going, her seeing her mom try and so she puts in the effort to try as well, and maybe that works for a while, maybe even a lifetime, but maybe it doesn't, and by the time both her and billy are closer to 30 than 20, the only family they see on christmas is each other, and billy never wraps her presents, and max only gets him practical things, and they drink and bitch most of the time, but it's so much easier to exist in each others space when they don't have to act and pretend and play parts.
#anyway the idea of billy attending christmas day at cherry lane for those first few years and telling himself it's sooo fine#it's completely normal thing to do after a completely normal childhood where nothing ever went wrong ever#and for max to go along with it becos over her dead body is she gonna suffer through christmas day alone even though she thinks its Crazy#how billy and neil could go from the trainwreck they were to whatever illusion neil's trying to create now#but then like. the idea of billy getting a significant other; a Male significant other; and having to like. Face Facts#make up excuses to not go home from christmas anymore; but be too scared to tell his dad the real reason why#until his partner is like. I Know Your Childhood Was Bad But Jesus Christ. You're 25 Dude#wait also the idea of max Knowing and being like. Yeah He's Always Been This Stupid. Yeah It's Probably Genetic. Good Luck.#god the idea of billy finally telling his dad why he's not coming and neil hanging up on him. not msging him for his birthday#and billy getting the hint loud and clear. except maybe susan works some christmas magic and maybe neil's had a health scare or two#and maybe max says she's only coming home for christmas if billy is#so maybe neil calls billy up and says him and his Boyfriend are welcome home for christmas this year.#and it sounds like he's eating the sourest lemon in the entire world. but he's asking. and billy's like. this is gonna be terrible. we Can'#but somehow ends up saying yes. becos he's stupid.#and then neil and susan are sitting down for christmas dinner with billy and Boyfriend and Max and#okay listen. the elmax in me wants them so bad but also the lumax in me wants THEM so bad.#actually either way i can't lose neil would be frothing at the mouth either way#and max would be LOVED and CHERISHED either way#worlds most awkward and intense christmas dinner.#also u may be thinking. now melia. dont they have other family. cousins? grandparents? aunts and uncles? and you'd be right!#but i'm too lazy to go into that rn. the idea of neil cutting his family out and susan barely being on speaking terms with hers#ANYWAY the idea of christmas evolving over time from being something that they barely tolerated with each other#to being something that they only include each other in. no more parents and maybe significant others come and go but no matter what#it's them against the world#m#nqff#text
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THINGS!
2025 is going to be the most jam packed stressful year of my life & i know that for sure because a lot is already planned. So i WILL be an absolute mental wreck (this is apologies in advance) & i will literally be clinging onto support most likely the whole year so tumblr will either be me spamming constantly or me not here for weeks or months at a time & barely posting? i’m so unpredictable. Anyways my entire life is guaranteed to change & the best case scenario will still ruin a lot of shit for me so if i get really depressed THERE IS REASON!!!! & i’ve already made several promises so the world is stuck with me if i can help it. so uuhhhhhhhhh YEAH. ANYWAYS IM SCARED FUCKING SHITLESS LIKE ZERO SHIT SCARED OUT KF MY FUCKING MIND SO YEAH. THE MENTAL STATE WONT BE THE BEST. LOVE YOU GUYS!!! IF MY ACTIVITY IS SPOTTY IM NOT DEAD WE’RE PROBABLY JUST DISSOCIATED AS SHIT!
Anyways. TLDR i’m going to be super fucking stressed out & out of pocket for the next year because of shit.
Any friends of ours read tags pretty please <3
#new year 2025#going to be super hyperactive or stare at a wall for a week & i don’t know which one it will be yet it’s leaning towards stare at a wall#for maybe like a month. just stare at wall & cry#BUDDY REN IS NOT OKAY! BUT HANGING IN THERE!#WE COMMITTED TO HARD TO THE BIT THAT IS LIFE SO YALL ARE STUCK WITH ME LESS SUN DONT SHINE RIVERS TAKE ME DOWN!#mighhhhhht end up relapsing on the addiction but that is way better than being dead. it doesn’t have to be healthy at this point#as long as it keeps me alive & sane i guess? i’ll obviously try not to but like dark times are dark#life update#IF YOU ARE AN IRL THAT I TALK TO OFTEN & YOU NOTICE ME NOT RESPONDING TO ANYTHING OR REACHING OUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD REACH OUT#IM SAYING THIS NOW BECAUSE IVE BEEN INCREDIBLY SUICIDAL BEFORE & AM BEING CAUTIOUS AS HELL!!!! MENTAL STATE IS NOT A FUCKING GAME OVER HERE#LIKE IF I START SHOWING SIGNS & I AM NOT TAKING CARE OF IT ALREADY REN IS A STUBBORN BITCH & WILL REFUSE HELP BUT IM NOT PLAYING#IF SHIT STARTS GETTING CONCERNING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE INTERVENE#LIKE OBVIOUSLY IF YOU ARENT DOING GOOD EITHER & NEED PRIORITIZE YOURSELF DO THAT!!!#BUT IF YOU ARE IN A POSITION TO HELP & CATCH ON TO ANY CONCERNING SIGNS PLEASSSSSSE DONT LET THIS BITCH TURN HELP DOWN & INTERVENE#WE WILL PROBABLY NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET & ALL THE SUPPORT WE CAN ASWELL#BUT ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASEEEE? DONT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS#APOLOGIES IF THIS IS WORDED BAD IM NOT THE BEST WRITER THATS NOT MY JOB#SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU GUYS & IM GOING TO TRY MY HARDEST TO SUPPORT MYSELF BUT WE MIGHT NEED MORE HELP THAN WE CAN GIVE OURSELVES ALONE?#IF ANY OF THIS SHIT MAKES SENSE#MIGHT NOT? I DUNNO DM ME IF YOU WANT TO BATTLE PLAN WITH ME#THE BATTLE BEING LIFE WHILE CHANGING LITERALLY EVERYTHING & MAYBE BEING AN INTERNALLY DISPLACED REFUGEE IN THE COMING MONTHS#I LOVE YALL! UH THANKS FOR READING I GUESS? IM TIRED & GONNA SLEEP NOW#GOOD NIGHT YALL <3
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when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly
#no i dont talk to that person anymore. just like i dont talk to any of the privileged ppl i knew anymore either lmao#i kinda cut everyone off bc apparently ppl in my state just have a hard on for being judgemental assholes all the time and im tired of it#i thought maybe it was me but i hear from ppl who arent from here all the time that ppl are way more weird and cliquey here#and its hard to make friends so. i feel less bad now lmao.#i thought i was crazy but no im seeing reality perfectly clearly. ppl just are super cliquey here for no reason#and anyone who strays from the status quo in any capacity must be Shunned and Condemned for being Wiyuurrd#the more right leaning types dont try to hide it. but the progressive try to cloak their disgust and uncomfortability with people#being different with a bunch of excuses. literally making shit up about me to justify hating me so they can still feel progressive#while hating and making fun of me in an explicitly rw way#like. acting like kiwifarms people out here being fucking strategic n shit pretending to like me so they can make fun of me type shit like#you look like a nazi dawg lmao.#you make me feel like hanging out with my brothers friends- who definitely leaned a bit to the right- is more ideal bc at least they're#fucking out in the open and honest about making fun of me bc they think im weird. yall are too cowardly to just own up to it.#'n-no i swear its because he did [thing i either did but it didnt go down the way they said or something they made up]! i swear im not#just making shit up just to make fun of him !!!!!!! i promie!!!!'#i literally cut off all my hair bc of taking 'lsd' from those same brothers friends bc i went fucking crazy basically (trying to emphasize#how low the bar is that id rather hang out with these dudes than the more left leaning ppl i knew) and people assumed i did it bc some girl#who had or died of cancer that i never even fucking heard before??? like idk. ig they thought i was trying to be insulting or smthn????#i didnt even know who this chick was and it was my first time hearing about her when ppl told me someone spread that rumor.#bitch i was sitting in my bathroom for hours having weird discussions in myself and basically fighting between my real self#and what felt like an external force of all the judgements ppl have made about me manifest into one being (zero) trying to convince me#i couldnt be me and i felt like he possessed me to cut off all my hair and i heard him say 'THIS ISNT YOUR REAL HAIR!!!'#since it was dyed at the time and i was embracing being trans and embracing being my true self but something about that 'trip'#fucked me up and detrans and it had a lot to do w another trip i had w those same brothers friends making me feel inadequate.#i dont know who da fuck you were talking about bitch im living in a nightmare over here can we talk about that instead of whatever tf#you're going on about and making up to justify hating me and ignoring my suffering?
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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i will genuinely never understand my dad!!! and i feel guilty for being confused and angered by him!!!! i don't know what he wants and i doubt i ever will
i guess he's known that he's had cancer for over a month now but never told me. and i dont know if it's because he wanted me to reach out/pay attention to him, as he's done in the past or if he just didn't think to, or if it's some other third mysterious reason that i can't think up
we aren't close since he was rarely in my life but i feel like that's something you tell your kid.
and the only reason i found out is because i went to go check and see why he hadn't replied to my message about asking if he wanted to hang out for the thousandth time without getting a response
#[static]#he tells me 'kid im gonna change i miss you i love you we need to hang out more im sorry that i wasnt around'#and then when we try and make plans it's like pulling teeth to get him to follow through#and sure there's been a couple of times in my life where ive had to back out of plans with him but like .....#we're talking less times than i have fingers on one hand in 30 years lol meanwhile he disappears for years without a word regularly#i thought we got somewhere last year when i decided to reach out after i stopped talking to him#we're both adults and we're busy but i somehow manage to have regular scheduled dnd games with 4 other adults twice a month#and i cant get my biological father who claims to want to know me reply to a message#and i know i know i know he's got his own demons and battles but i s2g it's just Frustrating because i dont know what he wants from me#i dont fuck with indecision and i dont like not knowing where i stand with someone#i know that he wont reach out to people in hopes they 'care enough' about him to do it#but like dude .......... SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME TOO WTF#i want to be unendingly compassionate to him since he's gotta figure out what he's gonna do regarding his throat cancer#but like ..... what am i supposed to do with this lmao he saw my message and didn't reply and maybe he's busy#but he also didnt reply to any of my other messages asking to make time to see each other#but then he called me this summer to see if i was in town when he was there (and i wasn't and it was out of the blue)#he also posted a lowkey transphobic comedy sketch on his page which is weird because that's not really his politics but also he's old#and i can just hear exactly what he'd say about it if i tried to even bring it up to him ever#idk what he wants from me but i sometimes think even he doesn't know#i think we missed our time to mend things into something that makes sense#anyways sorry for the vent into the void i just got new information and dealing with stuff about my dad is always difficult#i have rarely felt wanted by him and have never felt seen for who i am either
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guhhh
#I NEEEEDDDD attention and acknowledgment from every1 i consider a friend or i fucking die!!! dont let me die!!!!!#i will never actually vocalize that however. because it is entirely unreasonable of me and i should be content to sit in the background#they r busy. they do not have time for my stupid shit. they would b better off talking to their other friends anyways#the pain of not having friendship decay but also having a burning need for attention and interaction at the same time. sigh#*sudden realization i dont believe any of my needs or wants matter and am always asking too much/being inconvenient*#i mean am i truly wrong though. it doesnt matter what i want#that is what i have been taught. doesnt matter if i want help. or care. or attention. or to not go to college. or to hang out.#yk its really fucked up. to have both angry outbursts AND making yourself as small and unobtrusive as possible#worst of both worlds#trust me i dont like how i react either. my heart is too damn squishy even after all the shit that's happened that shouldve toughened it up#i literally should not care being in the background is all i have ever known. and yet.#and yet he dreams. a foolish dream. a dream where his presence and wants and needs mattered and people wanted to hear them.#toxi.txt
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dudes ive hit a point with The Horrors:tm: where im unable to convince myself that any of my friends actually like me
#vent#it's like. i think im a pretty solid guy#my negative traits dont define my view of myself etc#i understand that if someone doesnt ike me it doesnt mean im horible etc#but like. i am unable to believe that anyone wants to be around me#even if someone explicitly says they want to talk to me/want to hang out/enjoy my presence#im like hmm. well. sounds fake.#and again it's not like i think im an unlovable piece of shit or something#i just dont think anyone is being honest with me#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me#but im simultaneously excessively sensitive and will be like 'wait do they hate me now' if someone sends like an all lowercase one word tex#because it's like. oh no what if they actually ARE hinting that they dont like me. etc#most of the time when i get 'god shut the fuck up' vibes theres not actually anything wrong#BUT because theres been so many times that i MISSED the 'god shut the fuck up' vibes#i automatically assume everyone is mad at me/doesnt like me/doesnt want t talk.#even trying to say 'usually im wrong about people being mad' is extremely difficult#bc im like. fully convinced ive been right every time#and that everyone has just been lying t me#this has been a thing since like. age 14+ for me#but lately it's gotten worse#and like im scared to even dm a friend a meme because they might be mad (they literally sent me a song rec earlier. i have no reason to#assume theyre mad. except when i got the messages i was like 'oh no what if this has a hidden meaning')#it's one of those things where like. my anxiety medication works really well#but this is the flavor of anxiety thats inspired by past experiences#s even if i try to tell myself there arent any signs that theyre mad/annoyed/whatever#i immediately think 'but ive been wrong before.'#and then that same loop stops me from asking. because asking either annoys people or they lie to me about it#idk idk idk im tired#even if i did ask i wouldnt believe any answer other than 'yes im mad/annoyed/whatever'#including if they add 'i just need to be alone right now' or 'yes but not at you' or 'yes and i need to cool off'
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I used to midly and aimlessly worry in that way one does that I rarely ever watch movies any more because my attention snap is too shot but I've recently realised that my attention span is fine, I'm just one of those snobs who prefers live theatre to film.
#i see about one movie every six months#and one live play every other week LOL#i was telling this new hire that i dont watch much tv either and she asked what do you with your time then??#and i realiaed the answer is that (other than hanging out with friends) I write i hike and go on long walks#i go to art museums and watch theatre#is this who i have become hah
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