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#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me
ghastbutlikegay
·
15 days
Text
dudes ive hit a point with The Horrors:tm: where im unable to convince myself that any of my friends actually like me
#vent
#it's like. i think im a pretty solid guy
#my negative traits dont define my view of myself etc
#i understand that if someone doesnt ike me it doesnt mean im horible etc
#but like. i am unable to believe that anyone wants to be around me
#even if someone explicitly says they want to talk to me/want to hang out/enjoy my presence
#im like hmm. well. sounds fake.
#and again it's not like i think im an unlovable piece of shit or something
#i just dont think anyone is being honest with me
#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me
#but im simultaneously excessively sensitive and will be like 'wait do they hate me now' if someone sends like an all lowercase one word tex
#because it's like. oh no what if they actually ARE hinting that they dont like me. etc
#most of the time when i get 'god shut the fuck up' vibes theres not actually anything wrong
#BUT because theres been so many times that i MISSED the 'god shut the fuck up' vibes
#i automatically assume everyone is mad at me/doesnt like me/doesnt want t talk.
#even trying to say 'usually im wrong about people being mad' is extremely difficult
#bc im like. fully convinced ive been right every time
#and that everyone has just been lying t me
#this has been a thing since like. age 14+ for me
#but lately it's gotten worse
#and like im scared to even dm a friend a meme because they might be mad (they literally sent me a song rec earlier. i have no reason to
#assume theyre mad. except when i got the messages i was like 'oh no what if this has a hidden meaning')
#it's one of those things where like. my anxiety medication works really well
#but this is the flavor of anxiety thats inspired by past experiences
#s even if i try to tell myself there arent any signs that theyre mad/annoyed/whatever
#i immediately think 'but ive been wrong before.'
#and then that same loop stops me from asking. because asking either annoys people or they lie to me about it
#idk idk idk im tired
#even if i did ask i wouldnt believe any answer other than 'yes im mad/annoyed/whatever'
#including if they add 'i just need to be alone right now' or 'yes but not at you' or 'yes and i need to cool off'
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