#writing this to try and calm myself down bc idk what else to do

[ra-archives]

Hey so I was working on art for today's + yesterdays post but I got up to get a snack then came back and heard my door creak open but problem is I wasn't in there and haven't been for a few hours and no one else is awake + my cat is asleep on the chair so IDK what the fuck that was and I'm not stupid enough to go find out. This is not the first possible paranormal experience in that part of the house so REALLY not liking this

Anyway I have a WIP for today but whether or not it comes out depends on if I can work up the courage to brave my room.

[studentbyday]

week 1 / small commitments challenge

Summary: I was not focused on my challenge goals this week. I was preoccupied, thinking about the different paths I could take and weighing my options for the next couple of years. Not a bad thing, except I let the thinking invade every moment of my life I had to myself. That includes when I was supposed to be studying ochem and when I was supposed to be sleeping and when I was supposed to just be getting on with my day and doing mindless self-care stuff as quickly as possible so I can dedicate time to what's urgent. Yes, I needed to weigh my options and gather information across multiple days, but I did not have to go about it the way I did. It led to me becoming overtired and having difficulty sleeping which led to me being unable to get through my ochem goals which prevented me from doing anything else. The more tired I became as the week progressed, the worse it got. So my two new priorities for next week are: No. 1: Get enough sleep with a consistent sleep time (9pm be in bed, 10pm at the latest) and wake time (7am ideal but 8am bare minimum). Soothe yourself until you're calm enough to sleep. Like you would a baby (e.g. swaddle, massage/gentle touch, dark room, don't voluntarily subject yourself to anything stressful or overstimulating in the half hour before bed). That's how you stop and keep out of the overtired cycle. No. 2: Lots of meditation throughout the day! 5-10 mins when I wake up, minimum of 10-15 mins before bed (unless perhaps i feel less frazzled thanks to the meditation breaks which help me stay focused throughout the day? idk), and 1-2 minutes in between big tasks (those that take 2h or more) in order to reset my mind before I move onto the next task and give my brain a rest after processing lots of info on a deep level, so it can sustain that level of activity throughout the day and the rest of the week. I'm hoping that by prioritizing rest, I can succeed at my new study routine (which has also changed from last week as my priorities have changed...yet again) and work more efficiently and quickly while staying cool in mind! A chaotic breakdown of the week aka my sleep-deprived end-of-day gibberish where I try to make sense of everything that's happened lies below 😅

Monday: sleep deprived -> slow start to the day -> quite behind schedule. i listened to 1 and a half chemistry lectures, added to the notes from last week, read and annotated 1 of the 2 sets of notes i'm supposed to read this week, and answered all except 4 questions of a practice quiz on last week's material. asides from this, i did 1/3 of an Algebra 1 lesson, took a nap, and practiced driving.

Tuesday: later start than yesterday bc i wanted to get enough sleep. overall worth it, but that meant there wasn't enough time to get everything done and there were lots of distractions to field. i only did ochem and practiced driving today. i didn't even finish all the ochem i wanted to (i finished 1.5 lectures again, added to notes, started reading the second set of notes for this week, and answered 1/4 of the questions for 1 of 2 assignments for this week). i'm still trying to find a routine that works for this subiect bc it's really condensed (most weeks cover 2 lengthy modules at once 😭) and it's not a subject that's that easy to feel confident in just right off the bat...at least for me 😅 who knows, perhaps for the time being, i'll have to spend more than 4 hours on it a day until i feel confident in the fundamentals?? i also have lots to improve on in my lecture notetaking skills (i.e. trust my memory more and write down notes only AFTER i finish watching a lecture instead of attempting to write notes DURING the lecture and getting confused -> rewinding)

Wednesday: my problem this week is that i'm very distracted. still trying to figure out which path is best for me (i.e. to transfer uni or change program within my uni if that's possible...definitely probably shouldn't stick with my current program tho, that's one thing i've pretty much decided), asking around, doing my own research, trying to think of any combo of reasonable options i haven't explored yet (this is what i was doing for a lot of today). i really hate unresolved issues. they stick around in my head until it's resolved and even if i'm not actively thinking about it, i can still feel its presence in the back of my mind (and if it's big and concerning enough, it will keep bugging me at inconvenient intervals)! 😤 and this issue will stay unresolved until i have made a decision. and even then, i might still question it until enough time passes to show me that it was the right decision 😅 it's like...either i'm in "re-assess" mode aka "question every decision i have made and could make and predict to the best of my knowledge where it will lead me and do i like where it leads me?" mode (WHICH CANNOT ALL BE ANSWERED IN ONE SITTING SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCHEDULE THIS?!?! 😵‍💫😫), or "put your head down and do the work" mode wherein i'm in danger of losing sight of the bigger picture. i swing from one to the other whenever smth happens to make me realize i've stayed too long in one mode. (like in this case where i was feeling very annoyed with my current lifestyle, finally decided to say "fuck it" to my strong desire to stay within my comfort zone, and explored other options and their pros and cons which included grad school admission requirements 🤦🏻‍♀️). i'm grateful to have this many options, but today i got so overwhelmed by them and the deadlines by which i need to have made a decision and the fact that there's a lot of ochem this week to do which is more urgent but also not as existentially worrying that i decided to rid myself of the mounting anxiety with a cardio abs workout. 🥵😮‍💨😮‍💨 it worked...but now i am so pooped and don't wanna get up 😅 (update: i did get up and did a little more ochem)

Thursday: too tired to do all the ochem i wanted to (i did a little reading, a little bit of lecture watching, and finished the last 3 Qs on 1 of 2 assignments this week). i keep letting myself get overtired with my overthinking against my better judgment (like, especially after an intense workout the day before??? girl, you need to sleep!!!). anyway, i've finally pretty much decided to just switch programs at my current uni but i don't think i'll really believe i've made the decision (objectively! all on my own! using a weighted pros and cons list! 😁) until the end of this week. 😅 it will still be a more rigorous program, although not in the ways i expected (but still good!), and it will challenge me in all the right ways but i won't rack up as much expense (thank goodness! 🙏🏻) and it will be a shorter commute and i will get to spend more time with family which is just such a relief. i don't want to fall into the rat race mentality, tho sometimes i think i need to. but perhaps that's just FOMO and comparing myself against others in an unhealthy way. like, i don't actually want a rat-race/hustle culture type of life for myself if i have the option not to live one, yet i sometimes feel like i need to be a completely different person living a completely different lifestyle in order to really make it in this society...well, there are many ways to skin a cat.

Friday: ochem lab, watching another lecture, reading the ch, working on ochem assignment, and driving.

Weekend: sleepy. reset routine and family time. finishing up ochem submissions for this past week (done is better than perfect! 😤) and driving.

[icedmetaltea]

Yesterday was ok, today anxiety's been awful again...

(rambling abt anxiety and nonsense venting below)

felt dizzy/bit of vertigo throughout the morning and when I checked my BP it was 154/108 so that scared the shit out of me... I took a bit of propranolol and that seems to be helping but I'm worried bc when I asked about what a dangerous BP was my stepdad said 160 and up and that's uncomfortably close. The last time it was high it was only like 140/90 so this was really scary

I called the number the crisis ppl give me from a resource sheet on friday again since I never got a response after leaving a message on monday but this time they told me to call yet another number and they said I couldn't get any kind of help till I came to their office to fill out some forms and like??? I CAN'T LEAVE MY FUCKING APARTMENT

Do these people never get ppl with severe agoraphobia?? The last time I had a full-on panic attack I screamed at the top of my lungs and had to call 911 to get ppl to calm me down so I'd stop hyperventilating, you want me doing that in public again??????

Anyway she told me I can call the supervisor and see if she could make an exception in my case BUT ofc she wasn't available and I had to leave a message, no clue when I'll hear back and when I do I doubt she'll even be able to help me

I fucking hate this system. This is why so many people kill and hurt themselves. When they are lost, when there's nowhere else to turn. When the crisis ppl come they give you a whole list of resources but what is there for people like me who are stuck at home, broke, unable to work bc they literally cannot function like this when it gets this bad every couple of months (sometimes more frequently)

it's either go to a psych ward where they'll pump you full of meds that'd just give me the same "locked in" panic attacks which trust me are far worse than toughing it out at home where at least it isn't bright and loud and horrible or face shit on your own

I thought it was starting to get better, yesterday I cooked 3 meals for myself, I went outside and sat on the step for 5 mins, today I can't get out of bed bc every time I try the room spins. Even when I'm laying down like this it's bad. Even if I close my eyes it's bad... I slept better last night and I thought I was doing well but no, midway through the day everything's horrible again. I keep feeling out of breath no matter how many deep breaths I take... other times I feel like there's "too much air" and I'm breathing too fast and can't slow it down... how do I even describe it??

I feel like I'm going insane but at the same time I know it's been this bad and worse before. I remember my childhood. I remember laying on the floor struggling to breathe, alone. I remember begging god to take this sensation of dread to go away, or to just let me die. Anxiety has a habit of always seeming... idk unfamiliar? No matter how many panic attacks you have, they always feel new

and what's worse is I can't even remember how I eventually always overcome these phases bc I ground rule growing up stemming from OCD I had at the time was I wasn't allowed to write anything in a journal bc it was "bad luck" or something (at the very least my OCD isn't nearly as bad these days) Idk if it takes days, weeks or months to get better. If I spend half a year or longer just waiting for things to get better then like um... it kinda becomes a quality of life issue, doesn't it?

Idk maybe it's the weather. It's 65 rn, yesterday it was mid forties, so maybe that's it. Well then I'm fucked bc it's only gonna get warmer as it approaches summer, and ya know climate change and everything wooooo

Doesn't help that the past two times when my stepdad witnessed me having those really bad attacks he said I should go to a padded cell or something... I know where he grew up there was no such thing as mental illnesses or therapy, only "crazy and not crazy", but damn it hurts. At least my bio dad understood what was going on to some extent. He knew anxiety was out my control, that I was going through it but that it didn't make me "crazy", just that my body was reacting physically to something seemingly unsurmountable on a mental level.

My stepdad was even surprised when I told him anxiety is the second most common mental illness nation-wide. I've talked to many other bad anxiety-sufferers, the reason you don't see us outside a lot is bc most of us are inside afraid to leave our houses! We're literally just trying to survive in bodies with malfunctioning nervous systems and in a society that literally is built around causing stress on a daily basis- on normal people, so just think about how that is if you literally have the being-stressed-out disorder my guy

it also seems like whenever I talk to my mom about this she tries to immediately talk about something else. Like I messaged her earlier today and when I brought up feeling dizzy and having a high BP she just said "Sorry you're having a challenging day! We're at the library getting library cards. Libraries are nice!" like sure some ppl like talking about light hearted stuff to distract them but sometimes I just need someone to be there and listen, you know? All it does is make me clam up and bottle all my emotions in, which ofc makes it worse.

I'm scared to check my BP again. I feel like there's something terribly wrong with my body but it's not as if I can see a doctor if I can't 1. afford it till medicaid processes or 2. fucking go to the doctor. You want me to have another one of those soul-crushing panic attacks and shriek around some stranger in an uber?? Hell no

So yea idk what to do. I have a math test this weekend and I've barely studied at all, can't get myself to focus on anything. I can't drop out again, I've already failed this class twice. I don't think they'd let me take it again and I'm pretty sure I've run out of financial aid to pay for it

Ofc mom and dad are gone, my sister said she'd visit me the other day but "forgot" to, so I'm alone. Completely and entirely alone.

The one thing I have going for me is the PMDD won't start up for another week or two so at the very least I have a will to live rn. Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand but since it's just anxiety atm I'm still able to have the motivation to cook and clean when I'm not ya know unable to get out of bed bc my heart is beating out of my chest

When it does come back, well... I'll keep those crisis numbers on speed dial. I've survived all this horseshit, I might as well make it worth something. Idk maybe the thing I'll keep living for rn is a fucking pet fish someday. I have to hold on to every tiny thing that gets me through the day bc there is a chance, even if extremely slim, that things will in fact get better

[lightwise]

Ahsoka Show Episode 2 - Spoilers/Thoughts

Okay, now for episode 2 thoughts. (I've posted my reaction to *that* moment at the end of episode 1, and it's resulting consequences in this episode, in another post).

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT! DO NOT SCROLL IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED THE EPISODE YET! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Okay, I ranted about my dislike for Sabine's injury here. Moving on.

Literal chaos child. Sabine is the natural successor of the disaster lineage force sensitivity or not lolol. "I uh, I unlocked the map. And then lost it. And then lost all my backups. But everything's fine I swear!" Anakin would be proud.

I gotta say it, Baylon's ship makes me think of the Marauder just a bit.

I am loving these nightsister temples. So cool. Very Celtic/stone circle/mapping the planets and stars vibes.

Ahsoka trying to trace the fight between Shin and Sabine almost felt like she had some Psychometry skills ala Quinlan Voss going on??

AHSOKA PET THE DANG LOTHCAT. YOU MUST PAY TRIBUTE BEFORE ENTERING THE ABODE.

Love that she's so calm feeling that droid coming down behind her before taking it out.

Huyang vs Hera as Sabine almost blows them all to pieces...gotta love it. I need to see Tech and Huyang hanging out together. They would either be besties or drive each other insane.

I really love the practical effects of all the droid and machine builds in this show. It feels even more detailed and realistic than props in Mando.

Hera just still doesn't quite feel like Hera to me :/ And it's not MEW's fault at all. It feels like costuming and dialogue choices. Love her talk with Sabine though. I'm fascinated to know what viewers who have never seen Rebels are thinking of these scenes, bc they have no idea the backstory behind these two and the mother/daughter, older sister/younger sister nature of their relationship.

The CGI here is absolutely gorgeous when Morgan opens the star map. I also love how it is much more extensive and detailed than what Sabine was able to get. And the hint of green nightsister magic!

It will be really interesting to see if she's referring to the Chiss homeworld, the Yuuzhan Vong, or something else by "other galaxy".

I really want to see more of Baylon and Shin's history. She is attached to his every word and obeys his commands very seriously. How did he come to take her on as his padawan? When did he find her? What made him abandon the Jedi order (did he have doubts before the Clone Wars? Or just found a way to survive after?) So many questionssss.

Ahsoka and Hera, on the detective trail. Love it. When this series was announced, long before it was apparent that it would be Rebels season 5, I had hoped it would be Ahsoka hopping around the galaxy solving mysteries. This is fun to see.

Guys. I am trying SO HARD to not fall down the "imperial remnants and new republic politics as the galaxy tries to rebuild" rabbit hole that my brain eagerly wants to fall down whenever they start bringing up these dynamics. I was almost losing my mind during the Dr. Pershing episode in Mando season 3, and this is whetting my appetite again. Idk if I will someday need to write fanfiction about this or copious amounts of tumblr posts, but you have been warned. Star Wars and politics and the navigation of the collapse of empire and the redistribution of status and wealth and goods and the devious ways that can all quickly start to fall apart...okay I'll stop myself. When we get to the Mon Mothma episode...heaven help me.

Again, the subtle facial expressions in this show are so good. Not all of the dialogue is escaping cheesiness, but the facial expressions are conveying a wealth of emotions that is backing and grounding each line of dialogue.

This scene. THIS SCENE. Okay, I promised I would talk about Sabine's Jedi training and supposed Force sensitivity that we all have been wondering about since the trailers. I was not thrilled about the idea of Sabine being retconned to be force-sensitive. There's no hint of it in Rebels, and it would feel like a shocking contrast to her lineage as a Mandalorian if it wasn't handled properly. That said, I went into it with a relatively open mind, and have not been overly bothered (more just confused and wanting the backstory) on her and Ahsoka all of a sudden having this master/apprentice relationship that has taken place off screen and that obviously did not go well. Sabine has trained with lightsabers before (the Darksaber and Ezra's lightsaber), and it did make sense to me that she could want to know how to use it more effectively and want to be closer to the practices of what made Ezra who he is in his absence. Why Ahsoka would have agreed to train her...that I am unclear on. I wonder if her failure in that also contributed to her telling Din that she couldn't train Grogu. Anyway, all of this has been a "what the heck are you up to Dave," but I haven't hated it.

All that said, I didn't really want Sabine to be Force sensitive bc I also hate when Star Wars, or Star Wars fans, try to make everyone have latent force abilities in ways that feel like a cop out, like it's the only explanation for a character being cool, or having value, or tying into the plot (I am not trying to call out anyone in particular here, just the concept). Star Wars is not only about Jedi, and while it is almost always about the Force, that doesn't always happen in the highly specialized, exclusive ways we see from force users like the Jedi and the Sith. So, I was hoping, let's see Sabine trying to tap into the fact that the Force is inside everyone, but not everyone can access it to the same capability. Let's see her trying to gain certain skills and practice a way of existing in the world that goes beyond some fancy lightsaber moves and meditation rituals. Let's see a Mandalorian who already has a distinct and powerful way of fighting and philosophy in the world, attempt to mold it with another, almost opposite, approach. And I think that's what we are getting! (maybe this should have been it's own post, oops).

Huyang's no nonsense talk to Sabine is exactly what she needs to hear. For all his sass and directness, he doesn't lack compassion in how he chooses his words with her. And yet he also isn't afraid to eviscerate her (lack of) Force abilities with the most Jedi worthy burn I've ever heard "your skills would fall short of them all." He's been around for 2500 years. I don't think Sabine is force sensitive ya'll. At least not in a conventional way. And yet, Huyang, who has been the keeper of lightsabers and Jedi youngling training for generations, is not at all discouraging her from applying herself to try. His tone is exceedingly gentle with the words "the only time you are wasting, is your own." Is it possible to marry a droid? Pretty sure he's husband material lol.

Also his hands look like medieval gauntlets. So cool. They outdid themselves on the practical effects here.

Star Wars has Solid State Drives?? (Sorry the SSD reference was kind of funny).

Alright, Ahsoka against a droid and a former Inquisitor. Easy peasy.

Hera and Chopper (who looks FANTASTIC btw, there is no distinction between Choppper animation and Chopper live action LOL), in the Phantom and their dialogue back and forth was perfection.

That lil force push and lil backflip midair and lil shoulder turn to miss the lightsaber from behind 👀 please more force usage from Ahsoka! In her own show!

Very interested to learn more about Marrok too. Their stunt actor is really good.

Girlie is pulling out the Mando armor. We're getting serious now.

"It's not loyalty. It's greed."

I liked Sabine's part in this recreation of the end of Rebels, but I didn't really love the retcon on Ahsoka's. Where is her staff? Why is her cloak a different color? Where is Morai? It just fell kind of flat for me. Like the live action hasn't earned the emotional gravitas and hope that this scene held in Rebels. Again Dave, really fascinated to see where you're going with all this.

Finally, Ahsoka's ship is cool. I would travel around the galaxy with her for sure. And, the unique way that holograms show up on Morgan's ship is very, very cool. Can't wait to see what next week holds!

[camp-counselor-life]

Ok, so I had an anxiety attack last night on a date and I'm trying to parse out what happened and my mental state. Is anxiety often irrational? Yes, and this definitely was. But also I feel like this would give neurotypical people anxiety, so justified? IDK.

TW: ableism

So here goes. The gal I am dating invited me to a gymnastics meet. Now, I love gymnastics (our shared university has an excellent team) and haven't been to a meet in eons, so I agreed. Did not think it through, just said yes. In the back of my brain, I knew there could be some issues, but dammit, let's just stuff those down and pretend.

I show up at her apartment nearly 10 minutes earlier than we agreed. She informs me that she thinks they have a clear bag policy (at all times, I carry a large black purse with all the stuff in it). We look and it says you can bring a purse. So cool, we will see if they'll let it in.

Now we're driving and there's traffic (the team is a big deal). And we're struggling to find a place to park (I had suggested we take the train bc that's how much I hate traffic and parking). We park somewhere that I am not 100% sure is allowed, but we're like 99.5% sure. This fact will come back later.

We get to the door. The man informs me my purse is too big. In a moment of panic, where I am about to be separated from my meds and inhaler, I inform him that it's got medical equipment in it, something my date does not know and this of course reveals that I have some sort of disability where I cannot be separated from the contents of my purse. He gives me a special tag and I get to take my bag in.

At this point, my date (who is aware I am autistic but nothing else) could be thinking one of two things: I have lied because I want to bring my purse in or I have some sort of shameful medical condition bad enough to require a purse-full of items I didn't tell her about. Both run through my head along with the thought of "I am going to hell, did I just lie to bring in my purse?" and it's not a lie, I do need to drag that stuff around, but also I probably could have made it 2.5 hours without it. I also decided that this would be a good way to phrase my discomfort to several friends, all of whom were like what?

We sit down and at this point I am so anxious and uncomfortable and ashamed that I barely talk the entire meet. It is also extremely loud, crowded, and the guy behind me is wearing strong cologne. We make small talk and hold hands, which I think was fine.

In the fourth (and final) session of the meet, probably almost 1.5 hours in, I have finally calmed down enough to enjoy myself. The shame is still there, and I don't know how to fully explain this to people, so I'm writing about it on tumblr for y'all to ignore.

So, what does this mean? I am probably not as "at peace" with my disabilities as I thought. The shame is real and strong and I feel like I could have had so much better of an experience if I had just done something differently. It's my fault.

And then I had a nightmare about the stadium last night, so that was like the cherry on top.

[c0smicfern]

idk how to phrase this exactly. i know what i want to write, but it's hard to write it out coherently when the conceptualization part of my brain & the... word forming part of my brain aren't talking to each other. basically, i know i've been a bit rampant with the internalized ableism lately. it's a nasty habit that i can get into, particularly when my functioning is as dampened as it is now. got super overstimulated at the grocery store and nearly had another *something* in my car. when i finally managed to calm my brain down, i knew i still wanted to listen to music on the ride home, even if at 1/4th the volume i normally do. realized that the playlist i had been listening to while driving around wouldn't do my brain any good, esp since there's a bunch of hard rock & metal in it. i also remembered that i made a playlist specifically for that very situation the last time i burned out. i was just... struck by the amount of compassion & self-care i was capable of showing myself not very long ago. made me feel... guilty ig. bc i haven't been doing that so far during this burnout. i called out from work today, but i nearly made myself go in. i feel like that definitely contributed to the catatonia this morning. i identify more with the logical & volitional parts of my brain, but it's like the other parts pushed back against us this morning so hard that we completely shut down. like, 'yeah, you think we're going in? nope. you're not in charge here right now.' i need to remember how to love myself like i was capable of doing during the last burnout bc so far? this one has been *so much fucking worse* & that's almost assuredly bc i've been denying that i'm burnt out & trying to go on as i had been only a week ago. it's definitely been pushing others away as well. it's probably hard to believe that i love autistic people when i'm seemingly incapable of loving myself as i am rn. i wasn't expecting to burn out again so quickly or really... at all, ever again, but it happened. the only way i'm going to be able to recover & not push people away is by being the person who made the recovery playlist that i listened to on the way home from the store.

edit: i'm also. a bit closer to accepting that i'm probably autistic. for two reasons, mostly. first, i literally don't know what else it could possibly be at this point. second, my intuition has been scary accurate about these things, historically. while my logic has driven me astray more times than i can count. it's cold & calculating, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be a more accurate way of arriving at conclusions. i'll probably end up doubting it again when i come out of the burnout, but it seems irrevocably true right now. i really don't know what else could be causing these issues. i think, maybe, i was just better at finding patterns in people's behavior than some other autistic people. i do remember being much less socially attuned as a kid & teenager. to the point that i may not have been looking up how to read social cues or tell what people are thinking, but i probably picked up on it from studying interactions irl. that's my working theory bc, while autism as an explanation seemed really unlikely in-between the last burnout & this one, it still makes more sense than *anything else*. it's not c-ptsd, it's not the depression, and it's not schizophrenia. moreover, my few experiences with involuntary violence make me feel like it's almost assured. i got *very good* at masking & keeping my shit together bc my presentation of it is highly atypical & i'm *usually* very low support needs. obviously not rn. in fact, i kinda regret not asking my fiancée to pick up my meds for me, but i digress. those skills are something that i'm going to have to rebuild if i want to, but i feel like being that high-masking probably contributed to these burnouts. i ended up holding so much shit in that i feel worse than i ever have. it's going to be a struggle to continue accepting the reality of the situation when i finally break out of this again & continue using my disability aids, but it's important so this doesn't happen *again*. with my luck & executive functioning, it probably will, but it may not happen for years if i take *slightly better* care of myself. anyway, that's it. i'm probably autistic. i've hit two burnout periods in the span of one year & i literally *Don't Know What Else It Could Possibly Be*.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

could i get an obey me matchup perchance :o

i’m bi and i use any pronouns. aries sun, virgo moon, taurus rising and entp

appearance: i’m like 5’9 or something idk also can’t tell if my hair is blonde or brown. i have heterochromia and i gotta lotta moles/freckles. i like to wear bright colors and i rarely wear makeup. im 24 but ppl say i look 16. skinny af but i have been told many times that i have a pixar mom dumpy

personality: a lot of people have told me i am very calm but also chaotic. i see humor in everything so i inevitably become the designated “funny friend” in every friend group 😔 i am silly but i’m also smart and responsible i graduated college with a 4.0 gpa and double honors. i have a bachelorettes degree in animation and now i’m getting my masters in creative writing. i wanna be an artist or writer full time someday but for now i teach college fiction writing and that’s pretty fun too. i like to tease ppl and start arguments but only when it’s lighthearted, i avoid real conflict like the plague cuz i’m bad at standing up for myself/setting boundaries. i also hate asking people for things i don’t wanna be a burden. i wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist but i’ll work at something until it’s more than decent bc i hate letting people down. i love to entertain ppl ^_^ i can be flirty with people i don’t like but when it comes to ppl i am actually attracted to i become smooth spongebob it fuckin sucks

likes: iced black coffee, raccoons, cats, birds, blue flavored things, swimming, acting, graphic novels, hyperpop, shitty b movies, punctuality and respect for other people’s time, nature, long car rides, karaoke, fellow creatives and people who treat me niceys

dislikes: spiders, sand, driving, cooking, germs, bad smells, early mornings, dress codes, email etiquette, people telling me what to do “because i said so”

hobbies: writing, digital art, animating, going on walks, making parody songs, ice skating, making and taking online quizzes

other: i have 2 pet birds 4 younger siblings and i’m horrible at sports/dancing i am not in tune with my body at all, also i suck at math. my love language could be whatever they need tbh but i do appreciate quality time a lot

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took a while; life's crazy at the moment. I hope you like your matchup!

In Obey Me, I match you with...

Mammon is definitely your best match in Obey Me! You're both funny but can be serious when the mood calls for it.

You're both awful at flirting with each other, much to the chagrin of the other brothers. You can flirt amazingly with anyone else, but when it comes down to the people you actually care about, all flirting skills go out the window. The brothers are so tired of it...

Loves watching B movies with you. They're one of his favourite types of movie so you'll hear no complaints from him when you suggest watching one.

Will do all the driving. He's pretty protective of his cars so he prefers to drive anyway. Mammon would love going on long drives with you; he gets to spend time with you without his brothers butting in.

Will also take care of any spiders around the house. But not without demanding a kiss as payment. Feel free to either give him a kiss or a punch.

Loves watching you work on your latest animation project! It's one of the few times Mammon will sit still for more than a few minutes. He just thinks you're really clever for being able to make what you do.

You will definitely be asked to tutor him. You're good at studying and get good marks and Mammon is the exact opposite. He'll try his best when studying with you but it's still a struggle for him. Just be patient and give him rewards when he does well.

Lucifer hopes spending time with you will make some of your responsibility rub off on his younger brother. He also hopes Mammon's irresponsibility doesn't rub off on you...he can really only handle one person in his life acting like that.

[mental-health-advice]

I'm 22, and have been on almost three months on hrt treatment (mtf).

The emotions have become too much and I don't know how to handle them. Lately I've been having a lot of self hate bc I still want to satisfy others and don't want to be an annoyance or inconvenience. Also my dysphoria has been worsening by the day.

I ask myself how can I ask others to see me some way if I still don't see myself in a good way, I just feel like I'm an impostor.

(tw)

With all of this, this last two weeks I had an anxiety attack and intrusive thoughts of suicide and self harm. I know these can be attributed to the hormones, and finally being able to feel all my bottled up emotions on a more deep level, but idk what to do.

Also, I have seek help with the collage psychologists and counseling, but so far three attempts and none has helped me at all.

There's more, but with this, I hope I can get some advice or something idk, my partner told me it would be a good idea.

Thanks u.u

Hey there,

Being on HRT treatment can be really hard and challenging for some people and especially with the emotions and anxiety that can come up from it at the beginning of treatment until your body is able to adjust more to it and the changes it is making to your body.

I think it was really good that you were able to reach out to us here at MHA although I know it probably wouldn’t have been easy. But thank you for at least trying us!

With all of the emotions that are coming up for you, do or could you try writing them down and giving the emotion a name. So for example ‘this emotion I am feeling is hatred towards myself.’ And then try your best to just let go of that thought/ emotion and refocus your attention on something completely different and remind yourself that how you are feeling is just that, a feeling or emotion and it cannot hurt you. By doing this you are accepting how you are feeling but then allowing it to flow through you and leave. This is something I have been practicing myself with my psychiatrist when I wake from bad nightmares that are abuse related and no, it’s not easy, and it’s something that you have to keep trying and practicing at doing but it is helpful when you are able to let go of whatever emotion or thought that is bringing you down or overwhelming you.

In regards to your anxiety attacks, we do have a page on calming anxiety and panic which I encourage you to check out. We also have pages on alternatives to self-harm and reasons not to self-harm. Now, I know that by simply reading these pages won’t help immediately, but skim through the different techniques and try the ones that you feel may be beneficial for you. All we can do is try, right?!

I am so sorry that you haven’t had any luck in getting help and support from psychologists and counsellors at your college. It’s important to know though that we as people are all different and so what works for one person may not be as helpful for someone else. The same can be said about mental health professionals, some we may click with and find really helpful in talking to whilst others we may just feel it doesn’t work for us and this is completely OK. Are you able to talk to the person you are going through for your HRT treatment and chat to them about where you are currently at mental health wise. They may be able to refer you onto a specialist therapist that may be more helpful for you and what you are going through!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you, hope you are going well and wish you all the best with the rest of your treatment!

Take care,

Lauren

[teenandbeyond]

hi!! this is my first time requesting in awhile and it might be a little specific? 😭 so thank you if you do it and its fine if not

anyways the request: so can i get a bakugou x reader maybe? (or kirishima if u dont want to write for him). reader dislocated their shoulder (dominant hand so they cant do anything) and is now on bed rest?? idk i just want comfort bc my shoulder has dislocated twice in 3 days n i have been struggling big time 💀 im used to doing things by myself and not asking for help 24/7

i hope this is coherent 😭

Bakugo x Injured. Reader

This is super late, huh? Hope despite that it still brings some type of comfort.

Want more from me? Masterlist 2

☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆

💥Let Me💥 (MHA or My Hero Academia)

Warning(s): Cursing(But it's Bakugo, sooo), Fluff

Bakugo refuses to let you do anything by yourself in this state

✨✨✨✨

“What the hell are you doing?” you heard a familiar voice growl.

You turned like a deer in headlights, “Uh, um…I’m…praising the cabinets?”

Your friend and crush--but he didn’t need to know that--raised a blonde brow, “Praising the cabinets.”

“Yes! I’m very religious with them, they store our wonderful plates—”

“Stop with that bull crap, why are you up? You’re on bed rest.”

“It was boring. I'd just sit around all day and do nothing.”

He scoffed, gently nudging you out of the way, “Do you not understand what bed rest means, dumbass? You’re not supposed to be getting up, you’re supposed to be resting.”

“I know, Bakugo…I’m just…used to doing everything for myself, not being so helpless,” you sighed.

His shoulders dropped in a silent sigh, “Yeah, I get it. But you’d be an idiot to make it worse and never get better. School without you is boring, so you gotta get back as soon as possible.”

He groaned as soon as he saw the shit-eating grin on your face, distracting himself with continuing the meal you were making.

“You miss me, huh?”

“I don’t fucking miss you! You’re just one of the few people who can keep up with me!”

“That sounds like ‘missing’ to me.”

“Shut up!” he barked.

“Why are you here alone? Isn’t school over?”

He shrugged, “It is, everyone but me got punished. They have to stay an extra hour to train.”

“I’m guessing you passed the test because you’re way better than everyone else?” you rolled your eyes.

“Exactly. Yeah.”

With a huff, you shake your head.

“Cocky-ass.”

“Go lay down, why are you still here, nerd?”

“I’m watching you. It’s not often you get to see Bakugo Katsuki cook,” you grinned.

He turned to you with the darkest glare you’ve ever seen on him, “I swear if I have to tell you one more fucking time to lay down.”

“Fine! Fine!” with a pout, you make it to your room.

Thirty minutes later he comes in with a plate, setting it on the nightstand next to your bed.

“How in the world did you hold a steaming plate with your bare hand?” you blink in awe.

He actually chuckled at that, “I have explosions come out of my hands on a regular basis, I think I can handle a little plate, [N/N].”

“You and your nicknames,” you reach out to take the chopsticks.

“What are you doing? You’re not gonna be able to eat without your dominant hand. You can barely use the other one.”

You shrug, “Yeah, I’ve been trying to learn and use the other side so I can do more.”

You yelp as you drop the chopsticks you were awkwardly holding.

“How’s that goin’ for you?”

“Shut up! I have to figure something out, I’m hungry.”

“I…you,” he muttered under his breath, his cheeks flushing a little.

“What was that? You’re loud any other time,” your inquire with furrowed brows.

“I can feed you…”

“…”

“Oi! Don’t laugh!”

You stifle the laugh, “Well, I can’t laugh too hard anyway.”

“I just don’t want to sit and watch you complain about stuff.”

“Thanks, but it’s okay, I got it.”

Then you proceed to hiss as you trigger your shoulder.

“Do you, now?” a smirk twitched onto his face.

“Fine.”

You found yourself getting flustered as he fed you, surprised by how calm and gentle he was.

“Don’t swallow too fast, idiot! It’s not a race!”

In between eating, if you needed anything, he’d grab it for you.

“You know Bakugo, you’d be a good boyfriend,” you told him honestly.

“H-Huh?”

“You’re very caring--more than what it seems, anyway.”

His eyes flickered down to the plate to grab more food, “I’m not caring…you just…look so pathetic trying to do so much when you’re supposed to rest…I don’t want you to hold the class back by prolonging your injury.”

Considering how many pauses were in that sentence, you didn’t really believe his reasoning.

“It’s okay, thank you for caring about me.”

He growled leaning toward you, “I just told you—”

You kiss his cheek out of gratitude, “--Just take the thank you, Bakugo.”

Startled he pulls away, face darkening in color, “I—You—Dumbass! Don’t do things like that so suddenly!”

You hear a knock at your door, “Hey, [Name]! We’re all back now! Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

You smile, “Thanks, Eiji! But Bakugo’s been helping me, so I don’t need anything right now!—You can come in, I don’t bite, you know!”

Once Kirishima enters, he looks in between you and Bakugo, seemingly putting pieces together.

Then he gives Bakugo a look that you don’t understand.

“Shut up, Shitty Hair!”

He chuckles, not able to hide his smirk, “Hm? But I didn’t say anything, Baku-bro.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!”

“No, what are you talking about?”

“Stop playing innocent!”

You smile, warmed by their banter.

“That looks good, can I take a bit, [Name]?”

“No! That’s just for [Name], you don’t get any, Kirishima!”

You pout, “Aw, why can’t he get any, Bakugo? He only wants a bite.”

“T-that’s because…Shut up!”

“We didn’t say anything…”

[twilit-creature]

I- I tried my hand at actually writing again and just tried to make something sweet,, for myself,, uhh please don’t behead me,, i will just,, drop it here bc i like it n,, dskjnsdkgjb idk I will not tag anything, I am not brave enough for that.

"Critter." Sotha Sil turned to the small being "You've come…" his tone was calm and melancholic, but there was a hint of something else. "Of course, I'm not just gonna not show up without telling you." It spoke with the usual delight in it's voice. "So… what do you want?" it tilted it's head and wagged it's tail a bit. "I've been meaning to tell you sooner but I wanted to be… certain, of my feelings." He sat down at the pond and gestured to Moon to sit next to him. Moon sat down on the rock next to Sotha Sil without hesitation and watched him carefully. Sotha Sil was looking at the ground, avoiding eye contact as he mostly does. The dusk of the artificial sky shining through the blossoms of the brassen tree, reflecting on the calm water. "I have been contemplating my feelings ever since I've understood your motivations…" he glanced at Moon who was looking him directly in the eyes. "…for your visits." There it was, a hint of uncertainty - perhaps even nervousness. 

Sotha Sil was used to foreseeing and calculating the future ahead but he could not foresee anything with Moon in it. The closed eyes would not allow any prying eyes to see any future of the critter, only one was allowed to see. Sotha Sil fiddles with his hands, something he had not done in lifetimes. It noticed his uncertainty and hesitation. "It's alright, you can take your time." It tried to loosen up a bit of his tension. He looked back to the ground and gave a slow nod. "First, I thought you were a hindrance to my work, bothersome and irritating." He turned his head to the critter but did not look it in the eyes. Moon felt suddenly unsure of how this conversation would go "…But…" Sotha Sil added, albeit hesitant. He was getting increasingly more uncertain, more nervous and the critter could tell. "I've been enjoying your company. You have changed not only the outcome of events I thought unchangeable but also my perspective of certain things… for the better." There was a hint of a soft half-smile on his face, still he avoided eye contact. Moon was starting to stare at him. If it had a heart, it would be pounding like a rat against the door, trying to escape it's cage. 

"You've grown on me, critter…" it almost seemed as if he was talking to himself rather than to Moon. Moon leaned closer as Sotha Sil began to speak quieter and quieter, involuntarily of course. It was still staring at him, waiting for him to get to the point but also wanting to let him speak. "…and when you're gone, I find myself craving your company once more." He finally turned to Moon and looked it in the eyes. "You have come here, because you care about me…" once more he averted his eyes "…Because you claim you love me…" he almost turned away again but did not. Moon could not help itself and had to interrupt him "I do!... I really do…" it almost jumped forward to hold his face but it stopped itself in time. It had always been expressing it's affection through touch and Sotha Sil was already used to it but he appreciated it's self control in this moment as he was not done speaking. The dusk was ending and night fell, the stars shining above the clockwork city. 

Sotha Sil reached out for the critter's hands and waited for it to put it's hands in his. At first it was not sure what he wanted and it took a few awkward seconds for it to understand. Eventually it did what Sotha Sil wanted. The brass hands clasping around the critter's thin cracking hands. There was a hint of blush on Sotha Sil's face and the corners of his mouth were starting to form a little smile. "I… have been thinking about this for a while…" he looked at it's hands and gently patted it's knuckles with his thumb. "I was contemplating whether I should give into these feelings as they will affect my work greatly... It was not an easy decision but I believe with your help I can still accomplish my goals." The critter started to squeeze his hands, getting impatient and just wanting him to spit it out. He still looked it in the eyes, seeing it's anticipation and impatience amused him and his smile went just the tiniest bit wider. "Critter… I reciprocate your feelings." The critter's eyes were so wide, filled with anticipation. "…I love you too." 

The critter let out a little barely audible gasp and it's eyes shined with excitement and joy. Sotha Sil could not help himself but let out a sigh of relief, finally having spoken his feelings. One burden has been lifted. Moon could not contain itself anymore and jumped at Sotha Sil, embracing him and snuggling into his shoulder, wagging it's tail with so much excitement. Sotha Sil was a little taken aback by this sudden embrace, yet he had expected it to a certain degree. He returned the embrace and smiled happily as he placed a gentle kiss on one of it's horns.

[woahsehun]

♡ boyfriend jaemin ♡

what I think jaemin might be like as a boyfriend

•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´

disclaimer: obviously I don’t know jaemin lmao this is just for fun and if you disagree feel free to politely disagree elsewhere ♡ but I mean comment if you want idc just pls don’t be mean to me I’ll cry

I also tried to keep it gender neutral but I am new to writing these types of scenarios and stuff so if you notice anything that I should change feel free to let me know :)

now back to our regularly scheduled programming

•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´

• house husband boyfriend #1

• if he wakes up before you… would probably drink a cup of coffee before you get up, but would then make himself another with yours so you could drink them together (or if you drink tea same situation different beverage)

• is a big fan of waiting to do things in order to do them together

• another example would be: I think even if he was super hungry he would often hold off on eating dinner until you got home/to wherever he is so he can eat with you, because he doesn’t like the thought of you having to eat alone and always prefers your company anyways :’)

• y’all know that clip of him hugging jaehyun? yeah. would do that a lot, but not just a back hug, like the full on pajamas-morning breath-messy hair-half open eyes vibe. has his face against your shoulder so he can take a deep breath in to let the smell of your hair and clothes comfort him

• taking a quick break because I’m making myself go insane I think

• anyways

• takes pictures of you whether you’re aware or not (but not in like, a creepy way idk). will also force you to let him take pictures of you like that one video of him dragging haechan by the jacket so he could take pictures of him yeah that. hey, it’s not his fault you’re breathtaking

• of course he likes taking the aesthetic candid pictures of you, but his guilty pleasure? taking absolutely wack pictures of you eating and sleeping. hilarious. cute. lockscreen material in his eyes

• expect your cheeks to be squeezed. ya got cheeks? congrats! you get a squeeze. or maybe even a squish who knows. you do something remotely cute jaemin is all over it “ooohhhhwowowo my baby so cute” while you’re just cheeks compressed like (〃￣ω￣〃)

• may tease and nag but it’s out of love ahdhba

• would be a really good person to talk to about your mistakes/worrys or make mistakes around, because I think unless it’s something serious he would be great at calming you down and assuring you that everything is okay. seems like a big fan of “keep moving forward” and thinks sweating the small stuff is a waste of time almost

• maybe I think that because of his not-so-competitive nature most of the time but either way

• I feel like (if you had a day type job or were in college) he would enjoy seeing you off to work or classes if he has time. has your bag and/or drink ready and held out for you as you’re on your way out the door, but he wouldn’t let go of them without a goodbye kiss of course

• yeah I’m going insane again brb

• really appreciates anything you do for him whether it’s getting him coffee unexpectedly, visiting him at work (and if he’s having a hard time it just lifts him right up), rubbing his shoulders after a long practice, or even just the way you look at him is enough to satisfy his happiness quota for life

• because of this, like I mentioned before, he would try and do small things for you too. would wash your dishes or put away leftovers if you forget, would put your shoes by the door if you happen to kick them off elsewhere, sends you goodnight and good morning texts if you’re not together

• probably wouldn’t have much time to visit you at work or school, but would always try and call or text you during your break

• obviously just really affectionate and caring I mean we know this about him but I’m reminding us

• might pout it you reject his affection, but also kinda understands if you need space (even if he wants to hug you tighter than some skinny jeans)

• other than that I don’t feel like he pouts much I mean he trusts you and respects your thoughts and opinions idk what else to say about it

• probably admires you for your similarities and differences.

• I don’t even think it would depend on if you’re a hard worker or successful compared to others he just thinks you’re inspiring to him in your own right. I know people say he’s a member that definitely admires strong women, ya know based on his music tastes, and I for sure agree, but I also think no matter your gender identity he would just be in awe at your inner strength and it would help drive him in other things he does :)

• hello I’m back bc I had more thoughts so am making some edits lmaooo

• the type to make you lunch and leave little notes in it like “I love youuu”, “you mean the world to me”, “have a great day!”, “ooooh sexy”

• takes care of you really well even when you don’t ask for it like makes sure you eat enough and drink enough water, get enough sleep, take care of your mental health etc.

• which I also feel like means he can be stern sometimes, but it’s just because he really cares and doesn’t know what he would do if something happened to you

• that’s where the nagging comes in a bit like if you got sick “”tch tch tch* see this is why I told you you have to drink more water” as he absolutely babies the hell out of you

• if you’re laying on the couch or smth he’d probably just lay his whole body over you limp like a blanket until you tap out from being SQUISHED

• alright I think I’m really done for now so if I think of anything else maybe I’ll just make a part two

•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*`

♡ I feel like this was kinda short but that’s all I have for now so thanks to anyone who read this I guess, and I hope everyone has a great day/night! ♡

(✿◕ ‿◕ฺ)ノ``` bye bye ```

[janellion]

KAYLAAAAA i am Back ! HSHXH i would like to request hcs of the reader taking care of their drunk boyfriend(s) 👉👈 may i ask for tsukki, bokuto, kuroo, and akaashi? Hdhxbb i hope it's not too much !!! if it is, tsukki and bokuto would do omg aaaAAA i love you so much bb 💞💗💗💗 and idk if i've told you this before already but i LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing like it's one of the best i've ever read !!!! pls stay healthy and safe, i love you!!!!!

RON BB U MAKING A BITCH SOFT OMG 😭😭💗💗✨✨ thank you SO SO MUCH!!’ it means the world to me that you enjoy my writing!!! i’d love to write these for you!!! (i’m sorry they took so long bb 🥺😭 ILY!!)

taking care of your drunk!boyfriend hcs

ft. tsukki, bokuto, kuroo, akaashi

tsukki

tsukki doesn’t drink that much but when he does, he gets SOFT

i don’t mean like he’s crying and all over you

but those things that he only usually thinks? like “wow they’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen”

he SAYS THEM

and he doesn’t realize that he does, he’s really just thinking out loud and so when you’re all flustered at hearing him being so sweet and honest, words that he usually reserves for tender and special moments, he just quirks an eyebrow like “what? did i say something?”

and you pretend like he didn’t, bc you love hearing the things he has to say

taking care of him involves a lot of,,, tough love

he is stubborn and wants to take care of himself

he only lets you take care of him when you’re firm but sweet with him

speaking of, you’re the ONLY ONE that he let’s take care of him

even though it does take some extra coaxing on your part, anyone else would be outright refused except for you

when you go to pick him up or the boys drop him off, they always seem a little extra tired because they’ve been dealing w drunk tsukki without you and he is DIFFICULT

like “we need to bribe him to get into the car” kind of difficult

but they’re really just bribing him with getting to see you

tsukki isn’t a super cuddly or physically affectionate person, but as soon as he sees you he melts

will draw you in for a hug with those long arms of his and just hold you until he starts swaying and you both fall on the ground

the nights end with him passed out in bed and you gently removing his glasses

he never brings it up the next day bc he’s embarrassed, but he thanks you in his own little ways, whether that’s a tender kiss to your temple as you make him something for his hangover, or your favorite flowers the next time he goes out for errands

a knock on the door pulls you from your current task, piquing your interest and making you wonder — isn’t it a little late for them to be back? i figured kei would just stay with kuroo. as you head to the front door, you peek your head through the window to see none other than your tall slightly red faced boyfriend batting away the presumably helpful hand that kuroo is offering him.

as soon as you open the door and tsukki’s eyes land on you, the annoyed and frustrated look on his face melts into one of calm adoration. he takes a step through the threshold, placing a large slender hand on your shoulder, drawing you into his chest and inhaling the scent of your hair.

you look at kuroo over tsukki’s shoulder, suppressing a grin as you see kuroo’s growing. “you should have heard him on the way here, he was so excited to see you,” he comments to you under his breath as he moves to head back to the boys leaning against his car in varying levels of intoxication.

you shoot him a “good luck!” as he walks away before the door slams, blocking kuroo’s retreating back. you try and pull away from tsukki, only to feel him pull you in closer in response.

“those guys were pissing me off,” you hear tsukki’s voice muffled into into your hair. you can’t help but smile at the softness in his voice despite the harshness of his words.

“let’s get you to bed,” you laugh softly, prying his arms ground around your waist and holding his hands in yours between you.

as you go to walk down the hall, tsukki’s grip on your hands tightens as he pulls you back to him, bringing one hand to your check and the other to the small of your back.

he looks at you intensely through his glasses, face slightly flushed, but eyes soft and mouth slipping into a small smile.

“you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen”

+++

bokuto

i’ve written a bit abt drunk!bo here BUT yk i can always go off abt my hubby

OK SO bokuto is one of those “i’m myself but x100” kind of drunks

he is so excited and enthusiastic about things when he’s in a good mood

but he’s so down in the dumps and sad if he’s in a bad mood

fortunately!! you are always there to manage his moods, whether that’s extreme elation or intense sadness

a smile from you or a squeeze of your hand is all it takes to bring him back to his normal cheerful and exuberant self

BUT i hope that you don’t mind shirtless!bokuto (who could???) bc this man is CONSTANTLY TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF WHEN HE DRINKS

on the rare occasions where he goes out with tanaka, these two get kicked out of places SO FAST for public indecency

taking care of drunk!bokuto is a pretty involved affair

as soon as he sees you or the guys drop him back off to you, he is running full speed toward you, often forgetting his size and underestimating his speed

you’ve learned after the first few times that you need to brace yourself for impact bc he has crashed into you more times than you can count

this often results in you either on your back on the floor, or bo sweeping you up in a giant hug as he squeezes you tightly

the man REFUSES to take care of himself, does not want to eat or drink water until you offer it to him

if you bribe him w a kiss? man will do anything

the reason why he refuses to take care of himself? he just wants to spend time w you and shower you with love and affection!!

you’re trying to brush your teeth? good thing you only need one hand bc bo is holding the other!

trying to fix the bed? good luck bc bo has his arms around your waist and is nuzzling his face into your neck

fortunately, drunk!bo is also very sleepy, so after a lot of hand holding and hugging and wildly affectionate and inappropriate compliments, he is ready to pass out

unfortunately, he’s only able to fall asleep with you in his arms, so i hope your phone is charged!!

also, get ready to take a shower in the morning bc drunk!bokuto DROOLS

it’s ok tho bc he’s so cute abt it in the morning & will DEFINITELY insist on showering w you to help you,,, clean off 👀

a loud cry rings through the neighborhood prompting loud “shhhh” noises from the boys around your boyfriend. you smile in amusement as you look out the front window at the scene before you.

bokuto just dropped his phone as he was getting out of the car and proceeded to drop onto his knees, face buried in his hands as he cries out, “NOO WHAT DID I DO THEYRE GONE KUROO GONEEE,” as he gingerly picks up his phone and looks at the lock screen.

even from your vantage point in the house you can see the barely concealed snicker fhat escapes kuroo’s lips as he gestures to tsukki to help heft the large crying man to his feet.

“bro, i promise [Name] is fine, that’s just your lock screen, they’re in the house.” at this point kuroo pauses and looks up, seeing your face in lit up in the window.

“bo, look! they’re right there! why don’t you go give the door your secret knock and see them?” kuroo says, pointing to you at the window.

of course, you can’t hear this, but you do see the way that bokuto’s eyes light up as he brings his gaze to meet yours, and the wide smile that’s already across his previously tear-stained face.

with that, he is running full speed to the front door, and you barely have time to process the change in mood before you hear your signature shared secret knock on the front door.

laughing in anticipation, you throw the door open at the finish of the knock, only to be wrapped up in two sturdy arms, bo feet your lifting off the ground in his excitement.

finally setting you down, he looks at you with shining eyes, the grin on his face spreading with every passing second.

“i missed you”

+++

kuroo

so poor kuroo is usually stuck as the designated driver (he switches off with akaashi)

when he does get to drink though? his nerdy and flirty sides come out in the BEST possible way

he loves to use chemistry pick up lines on you, whether you’re out on the town together or you’re cuddled up in your bed after he gets dropped off for the night

you’ll be playing with his hair or he’ll be playing with yours and all of a sudden he’ll pull away and all the warning you’ll get is a slight glint in his eye and the traces of a mischievous smile as he says:

Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine

or

You must be a compound of beryllium and barium...because your a total BaBe

as soon as the lines are out of his mouth you can feel heat rushing up your neck and cheeks as your eyes widen slightly

kuroo always laughs gently, a light blush coloring his cheeks as he pulls away

he loves to do this bc it always yields his favorite sight: you flustered and embarassed at his sudden flirtatiousness

kuroo is pretty responsible so you don’t really,,, need to take care of him?

but you DO get to listen to a lot of really entertaining stories about things that have happened throughout the night he spent out with the boys

he likes to lay his head in your lap with his eyes closed as you run your fingers through his hair and gently massage his scalp, humming gently and laughing as he recounts the tales of his night

you WILL have to convince him to go to bed tho bc drunk!kuroo wants to stay up ALL NIGHT and spend time with you, cuddling and watching tv or some movies (he WILL try and convince you to watch a fun documentary)

but you’ll have to resist his charms and pickup lines

he does NOT make it easy on you though

will even go as far as to lay on the ground and make you drag him to your bedroom, barely concealing his laughter

he’ll eventually take pity on you and walk with you to the bedroom, but not before swinging his arm over your shoulder and leaning a bunch of his weight on you (he can’t make it too easy!)

the night always ends with the two of you facing each other, his arm slung over your waist as he traces every inch of your face with his eyes

you hear the loud honk of a horn as you receive a “here” text from your boyfriend. you open the door, not sure what to expect since it’s been quite some time since kuroo actually let loose.

you definitely weren’t expecting a grinning bokuto with his hand around kuroo’s waist as your dark haired boyfriend grinned at you with a mischievous look in his eye.

“[Name]!” bokuto exclaims in his signature booming and excited voice. “Your boyfriend here was practicing lines on me all night to get ready to see you,” he says, laughter in his voice.

“bro, you weren’t supposed to tell them!” kuroo turns to bokuto, eyebrows slightly furrowed, “it was supposed to be a surprise!”

bokuto simply laughs and shakes his head, removing his arm from around kuroo’s waist and going to clap you on the shoulder. “good luck,” he says with a wink before walking back to the car, yelling at a slightly flushed akaashi that “he’s next!”

with bokuto gone, all of kuroo’s attention is on you. the mischievous look on his eye has been replaced by one that’s softer, full of love and adoration. his smile, however, still slightly betrays the rest of his face as he leans in close to you, arm resting on one side of your face as the other goes to his hip.

“You must be related to Alfred Nobel, because baby you are dynamite!” slips past his lips and you can’t help but laugh, heat rushing to your face as you take in his words.

his suaveness, however, falters as he loses his balance and crashes into you through the threshold.

he pulls back from you, face lingering inches from yours as he grins again.

“Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you”

+++

akaashi

similar to kuroo, akaashi is often the designated driver or signature “responsible friend”

when he DOES go more wild it’s because someone bokuto convinces him to do something crazy for some reason his bachelor party

on those nights where he does participate more in shenanigans, he gets SOFT

not in the same way that tsukki or bokuto get soft, but in a very special way that is Signature Akaashi

the guys will drop him off and they will all be waving and smiling at you, faces soft

akaash’s softness is infectious and inspiring, and all of them are going to go home to their own partners and be extra soft and sweet bc of him and his love for you

akaashi’s love language is quality time, and this is never more obvious than on the nights when you’re taking care of him after a fun night out with the boys

he just wants to be with you, whether that be on the couch as you finish up your book or show, talking to you as you shower for the night, or at the kitchen table as you have a midnight snack

his eyes soften and drink in the sight of you under the bright kitchen lights, or the soft glow of the tv, or through the foggy mirror of the bathroom

anything you ask of him is yours, so taking care of him is very easy

you’re both in bed as soon as you’d like to be, whether that’s one hour or five hours after he gets done with the boys

this is bc all akaashi wants to do is hold you in his arms and look at you, whispering into the quiet space between you how much he loves you and how much you mean to him

he’s not usually big on being very affectionate with his words, so when he says them, you KNOW he means them more than anything

even though he was the one that went out, he’s always the last one to fall asleep bc he wants to memorize the way you look in this exact moment, and tuck it away into his collection of favorite memories

your phone buzzes on the couch next to you, drawing your attention from the show you put on as you wait for your boyfriend to get dropped off.

accepting the phone and bringing it to your ear, you hear the calm and deep voice of the man you know and love.

“hi love, we’re almost to the house,” rings through the speaker. a chorus of “AWWWHS” and “OOOOHS” echo in the background as you hear the unmistakable voices of the boys in the car. a smile tugs at your lips at the shenanigans, and widens at akaashi’s soft chuckle. “see you soon,” you say as you hear the sound of a car pull up.

making your way to the door, you open it to reveal the slightly flushed face of your boyfriend as he gets out of the car, accepting the hand that bokuto offers in assistance.

the softness in akaashi’s eyes is unmistakable as he makes his way toward you, his gaze never straying from your face.

bokuto chuckles behind him, waving briefly at akaashi’s back before walking around to the front of the car.

as akaashi reaches the front step, he wraps an arm around your waist and brings you in for a soft but firm kiss, pulling away with a gentle smile and shining eyes.

the “OOOHS” and “AHHHS” ring out from the car again, but there’s a softness to them.

regardless, you pay them no mind as you look into akaashi’s eyes, a small smile playing on your lips.

“it’s nice to see you too,” you say through a grin.

“i’ve been wanting to do that all night”

☽

a/n: tysm for reading!! ty @strawbirb for the bokuto idea!! my requests are OPEN. i’m slow but i will get to them! 🥰✨

general taglist (also my faves 🥰) : @oyakags @cosmictooru @over5feettall @kaidasen @achoohq @kuronekomama @anianimol @strawbirb @spriteandnicotine

writing taglist: @softkatsuki

(pls lmk if you’d like to be on a taglist!)

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

k i woke up to thirteen unread messages, so let’s just do a fucking blanket text post covering everything so that i can go curl up by the fire with my aus and pussy eating fics in peace, yeah?

spoilers under the cut

hi, yes, hello, i’m still chill and hype

“but diz,” you say into my ask box. “how can you still be hype when kang has clearly demolished everything we’ve worked so hard for?”

because she hasn’t.

“but aren’t you tired of kang doing all this crazy, inconsistent writing? aren’t you sick of her doing everything for the shock value and not being true to the characters?”

sigh.

y’all.

don’t come for my girl like that.

call me delusional if you want, but to me all of this fits perfectly within the same narrative, which has been leading to canon from the day she took the helm. 

i have already done a thousand and one breakdowns as to why carol getting with zeke was caryl-positive, so i’m not gonna go there again, but the leah thing is too.

“but diz--”

shh, i’m still talking. 

picture this: you are a lonely, lonely man who has gone through hell and back, and it took you years to open up to your found family, only for your best friend to explode and the love of your life to go marry a guy who probably worked at medieval times to pay for college, and now you’re all alone in the woods trying to figure out wtf to do with yourself. 

you tell yourself you can keep visiting your niece and her mom now and then, but that kind of sucks bc of the aforementioned best friend exploding, and also you and your niece’s mom had to murder a bunch of small children and that tends to be kind of traumatizing to remember, so it’s not the ideal situation

but at least you still have your girl, even if she is in an indefinite LARP game for the rest of her life. 

but!

then she says, “actually, i can’t come visit you much anymore, what with the whole community, and husband, and child thing,” 

and then you are actually Alone.

and it’s for the first time, because every time before that you at least had your brother, who might have been a piece of shit, but at least he was there. 

so you meet some chick on the road. you’re sad, no longer feel like you have a family (after it took you so long to get one that you actually loved), and you’re more alone than you have ever been, and you meet this chick who is a loner like you, and you’re wary at first. the two of you don’t trust each other, bc you don’t trust easy. but over time you start to build that trust, and she offers you companionship that you are so desperately in need of, and maybe you wouldn’t usually be into it, but given the Literally Everything Else going on, it’s like, why the fuck not? you have N O T H I N G left.

so she gives you an ultimatum--her or what little is left of your family. well, your family is scattered to the wind and being around them only hurts you more, and this person is offering you a chance for something new (and when things get rly bad, hasn’t your go-to move always been to run anyway?) so you say okay. you say you’ll go.

except nvm, she ditched you, lol, you’re all alone again! sucks to suck.

skip ahead, you’re back with your family, and your og girl has dumped the LARPer, and maybe things can be good again, except there’s a bunch of people going full hannibal lecter wearing other people’s faces on their own and murdering everyone, and your og girl is actually insane rn due to years’ worth of unresolved trauma, and you’re suddenly a dad, and you’re being asked to make nice with the guy who literally tortured you, and honestly? it’d be hard enough as is to trust again, but this whole situation is NOT HELPING. 

so by the time the war ends you are tired, and you are hurt, and you are wary, because you keep losing things that matter. and you got back the one person in the world who mattered the most, except she did some super questionable shit, and you’re having a hard time reconciling it, and finally you just Lose It, bc goddamnit, you’ve earned it, mkay? you are entitled to a little blow up. if she gets to literally blow shit up then the least you can do is yell a little, like damn.

but. 

she’s the one person in the world who matters most. a rebound fling over the course of a few months =/= ten years of being soulmates. you’ll forgive her, she’ll forgive you, and the two of you will ride off into the sunset together, almost as if you were suddenly in your own spin-off show. 

what a concept?

/fin/

“alright, but diz--”

OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE OBJECTIONS?

listen. here is what daryl/leah teaches us:

-daryl is willing and capable of having intimate relationships

-that being said, daryl being in a relationship has been a Big Thing for everyone, regardless of who they ship him with, since s1, so if it was supposed to be The Most Important Relationship Ever to him, the juicy parts would not happen off screen. there’s a reason the sex is only implied. they’re not showing it until it’s the Real Thing

-we now know daryl has had sex in the past ten years, so maybe he’ll actually last more than six seconds when he bones down with carol! very good!

-this also teaches us that hoo buddy, y’all have some mixed morals when it comes to these characters. the “daryl would only be in a relationship if he rly loved them, so how could he possibly love carol still?” thing is like. dude. carol is MARRIED during this, and he doesn’t get to see her much anymore. is he supposed to just walk around jacking it while crying for the rest of his life? the man tried to move on, and the tragic thing is that he got screwed over. i do not think this is out of character at all. i think daryl fell in love with carol, she got married, he was lonely, tried to move on and convince himself he could be happy with this other chick (who might be rly cool, who knows??), and then he got his heart broken again, before it ever really healed to being with. the boy is a giant bleeding heart who is getting stomped on constantly, and y’all better stop yelling at him for trying to feel better or i’ll come for you. this is like carol having rebound sex with zeke. if you want your characters to be realistic then you have to let them do human things, holy shit

this is getting excessive, let’s tie it up.

the main takeaways here are:

-no it’s not out of character

-yes it fits the narrative, kang isn’t just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, it all has a purpose, which is why i’m totes fine with it

-leah might not actually die, which thank god, i thought it was douchey of them to kill off another woman for Man Pain. i’m glad i’ve been wrong about her and connie both

-oh yeah, connie...i have no new feelings on connie

-daryl now has sexual stamina, so we can all update our headcanons now

-“i can’t believe they end the episode on such a sore note! their friendship is almost destroyed, how will it ever recover??” ...how are you surprised? that was...that was literally the description of the episode, my dude. that one didn’t exactly come out of left-field. it’ll be okay, they’re gonna make up. hopefully through a bunch of hyperbolically tragic misadventures. it’ll be a good time, calm down

-there is a FUCKING SPIN-OFF coming, how can you think they won’t reconcile?

-actually it’d be super funny if they were just giving each other the silent treatment throughout the entire thing lmfao

-“have you seen that new caryl show?” “yeah, it’s fucking weird. there’s no dialogue??”

-anyway

-does it help if i said i secretly thought they might fuck the whole time, specifically for the reasons stated above, and i’ve been kinda into it since the promo but didn’t say so bc i didn’t want to get hanged? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-idk y’all, that’s all i got. drink up ig?

i just found out that i’m literally anemic, and y’all are still more exhausting than anything else. it’s okay to just like. enjoy things. i promise.

now if you’ll excuse me, i have aus to dive head-first into. i’m not gonna say a whole bunch else about shit unless it gets rly necessary. i think i will make this blog relentlessly positive out of spite, and will just post fics and shippy gifs. i have a photoshop free trial (thatigottomakeaberniememe), mb i’ll make sappy caryl gifs as practice and bombard you all with them. feel free to come by for cheering up, but i’m not gonna repeat myself six thousand times, either

stay hype, STAN KANG, and get daryl to call carol sweetheart 2k21,

-diz

[keii]

Random long update post about my life i guess? LOL

Been enjoying messing with tamagotchis lately!!! I’ve always wanted ones with a colored screen, so I caved and bought some Tamagotchi On and it’s SO fun! Like, I just play with a lil pixel friend and can marry them off. It’s a commitment, but also, easy to just take a breather from my day to see how they’re doing and then continue working on whatever I was doing. I also downloaded the MyMeets thing bc I kinda want to try and make my own pixel bg bc wouldn’t that be cute??? Would also want to commission Poo for one as well bc I always liked their pixel works. I’ve also wanted a Sanrio Meets one, but they’re SO expensive, so I’m going to wait a bit before buying one. I really want to marry Sanrio meets tamas to my On and I think it would be cute to see. The blue one is technically my fiances (though I’m the one that mostly looks out for it) and the other one is mine. I named my first tama child Denjitchi, after Denji from Chainsaw Man bc I read that a couple weeks back and FELL IN LOVE. I really love the characters and world, and it’s how I felt with Dorohedoro, where the world seems so dire? But the character relationships are so fun and you get attached to so many. I also really love how it’s violent, but also fun??? Not only that but the concept fo their abilities are weird in a cool way, the devils are kinda freaky too and I love that. Also love the entrance of the Darkness Devil and the name itself made me laugh bc u know. LMAO-- I like the sense of dark humor it has. After that, I made sure to preorder both Denji and Power nendoroids bc I love their relationship the most! I wonder if there’s gonna be a part 2... I need it, after the heartbreak I experienced with Aki...

I also figured out how to buy nijisanji goods, so I caved and bought chronoir kuma rubber charms and they’re so cute, I don’t want to take em out of their plastic-- I have no idea where I want to hang these either bc I don’t want them to get dirty or lost bc they’re expensive. I also preordered two Kuzuha nendoroids from different sites (bc they have different preorder bonus LMFAO) along with Himawari nendo bc I like her too and I swear nendos NEVER really caught my attention before, but for SOME REASON goodsmile started coming out with REALLY good ones that appealed to me and now I find myself wanting a new one every month??? Smh, calm down!! Anyway, Idk why I like vtubers-- something about watching someone with a cute anime avatar just doing something so mundane such as playing video games or singing is a nice comfort to me ever since quarantine happened. Like not only that, but all the Holostar goods I ordered months ago are all finally being shipped and idk where the heck I’m gonna put those either LMAO.

Hmm what else, in February, I got a instax printer thingy and I’m having fun testing out how my art works look on it! I think it would be cute to make personalize polaroid pics for others too as a commission, though I’m a lil hesitant atm because it’s kind of hard to not have the colors too washed out. When I was testing it on Kii, I had to bring the brightness down along with increasing the saturation and contrast just so that his colors wouldn’t be so washed out! 

Besides talking to close friends, I’ve been keeping mostly to myself on social media, not even posting art everyday, which is nice, but also social media has skewed my relationship with art where if I’m not posting it, then I’m just wasting time. I’m still trying to get over the fact that I’m not just an artist and that I’m allowed to venture out into new things and work on projects myself without having to post every single detail about it on the internet. Every since I graduated university, I shifted from just drawing all the time to having more time to find more interests outside of art. Sushi and Poo convinced me to do journaling as well, so I started that in February and it’s been fun to write down unfiltered thoughts, even though it’s a mess, along with making random spreads. I enjoy being able to still be creative without having to post it, you know? I’m still trying to find my flow when it comes to balancing commissions and my own projects and interests-- I have to keep myself accountable with my own schedule.

There are so many things I want to do, but it’s easy to feel so overwhelmed that I end up not doing any of it at all and reverting back to whatever I’ve always done. I enjoy immersing myself in my work, my projects, my interests. I want to do that, but at the same time I do need to be active on social media from time to time because I still need to do commissions. I like sharing my work to have that connection with others, I just don’t like the pressure of trying to upkeep an audience or anything that social media culture pushes onto people. I guess that’s why I still like tumblr because I can just post whatever and not care too much lol. That’s all I can think of from the top of my head in this convoluted, messy, post about my life (I say this as if it's not some essay or some shit lmao). Nothing really eventful tbh??? Just been doing my own thing and then I would have weekly voice calls with Sushi and Poo and then catch up to other friends once or twice a month.

Hope everyone else is doing well~

[winterbl0ss0m]

ACROSTIC MEME FOR A BANDORI GIRL AND AN UTAPRI BOY OF YOUR CHOICE–GO!

GREMLIN LAUGHTER HERE WE GO (thank u to niko for choosing for me because i am Indecisive HAHAHAHA)

tsukushi !!

t - teach: what skills of theirs would they teach you + vice versa?

she would teach me drums methinks, i want to learn them very much n i would love to learn them from her especially <33 i know its my go to for most things but id teach her how to bake !! we can bake things for her little sisters together <33

s - story: if you and them were in a fairy tale, which story would you be and who would play which character?

i dont really know 🧍‍♂️ i cant think of many fairy tales oops

u - uplift: how do they help you when you’re stressed or sad and vice versa?

we go out to cafes and read while trying different coffees and sweets :] helps us calm down and its something we mutually enjoy !! its also very fun seeing her flustered when i sit close to her hehehe

k - kiss: any kiss headcanon

shes easily flustered which is ADORABLE so i initiate kisses more often, i like to kiss her cheeks a lot :] shes one of my few f/os who is shorter than me (she might be the only one actually) so i very much enjoy teasing her a little bit in that respect (of course not too much cause i too deal with teasing bc of my height a lot), i stand on my toes so she has to reach more, shes so cute <3

u - already answered !!

s - already answered !!

h - height: is there a height difference or a size difference between you two?

she is a little bit shorter than me and thinner. im a lil salty i cant steal most of her clothes (she started buying larger tshirts for that reason ehehe) but she snatches mine ALL THE TIME my big hoodies are absolutely massive on her and its SO CUTE GRRRR

i - image: show us a picture of them that gives you a lot of feelings

look at this cutie !! this is her birthday card :] the flowers in it, dahlias, represent dignity, involvement, and inner strength, which are very relevant to her character <3 a runner up is her band story 2 card, but im going with this one because the birthday cards are all so pretty and the symbolism in them !!! >>>>> IMMACULATE <3

otoya !!

o - online: what is your f/o’s social media presence like?

hmm well he’s an idol so i imagine he uses it semi often but not a ton?? idk he probably just updates it every so often but doesnt care for it Too much yk

t - teach: which of their skills would they teach you? what would you teach them?

ok ive neverbeen athletic like ever but i like soccer. i would absolutely play it with him. of course he would kick my ass cause i cant play sports for shit but it would be fun <33 i dont know what id teach him,, maybe art? possibly. i think he’d be interested in it

o - already answered !!

y - you!: what do they like about you?

he likes how much effort and care i put into what and who im passionate about :] i will drop everything for my favorite people in a heartbeat. sometimes he has to remind me to take care of myself too but it works out bc we take care of each other <3

a - art: what kind of art do they do?

wellll you know this but he writes songs !! he struggled a bit when he started 💀 but he has steadily improved <3 he writes his songs from his heart, reflecting his true feelings. uhh i dont really know what else to write here my mind is blanking but his songs are very good and he is very talented i love he <33

GRRRAAAAHHH THIS WAS FUN THANK U NANANANA <33

acrostic f/o ask game !!

[misterbitches]

I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3