#idk if it helps? but is a distraction i guess :(
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...... Like I know it might not be the best times but I can offer yall a sqh 12/12 achievement fic in these tiring times? :(
#scum villian self saving system#svsss#sqh 12/12 achievement#sqh gotta catch them all#shang qinghua#wine peak lady#i might be able to finish it today#idk if it helps? but is a distraction i guess :(
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well that's fucking awesome. all of the damage russians have done to our electric infrastructure can be repaired in one year minimum. IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE TAHN ONE YEAR TO REPAIR ALL OF THE ELECTRIC STATIONS RUSSIANS HIT WITH THEIR MISSILES. AND WE AIN'T EVEN TALKING ABOUT CIVILIAN OR ANY OTHER INFRASTRUCTURE. ONLY ELECTRIC ONE. MORE THAN ONE YEAR. AND WE ARE STILL NOT STRUGGLING ENOUGH IN ONLINE PEOPLE'S OPINION. FUCK OFF
#like look I'm just a guy who fucking wants to relax on my summer break and enjoy the last months of being unemployed and careless#and all I fucking get is “the electricity will soon be out” notification on my phone#LIKE OKAY I FUCKING GET YOU YOU ARE USED TO US FUCKING STRUGGLING AND I MAY BE SEEN BYPER PRIVILEGED FOR COMPLAINING#BUT IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUDGE SOMEONE WHILE YOU FUCKING HAVE EVERYTHING I CAN EVER DREAM OF (basic human needs)#like YES THERE'S AN ONGOING WAR IN MY COUNTRY AND I KNOW IT. BUT WE DIDN'T CHOSE TO LIVE NEXT TO FUCKING RUSSIA#we just want to live safely and have access to the most basic things that many people all around the world take for granted#we want to feel safe on our land#we want to stop fucking worrying that the next building hit by russian missile will actually be ours because no one is safe#and still I fucking see those fuckos online telling me how we “don't act like people who live in a country that goes through a war”#well I guess in that case we should all stop buying food and clothes to be REAL people who are suffering from a war#like you for real?? you gonna fucking make us give up the only sourse of distraction and dopamine we can get?#you fucking judging people for buying stuff because “you shouldn't buy new things#there's an ongoing war in your country“ you fr?? so like what we all shall fucking give up and die??#buying new things often gives people some dopamine which actually helps to stay somehow stable (as sane as it's possible)#or do you want us to be a fucking nut-state? idk some mental-case-state. fuck off#stand with ukraine#russia is a terrorist state
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why can i literally not function at school like i swear i'm trying i just can't focus????
#luc posts#like i take notes but then i get bored and the doodle on the side of my page thst was meant to take 5 seconds took 10 minutes :(#and then im lost and bc im lost i get all fidgety and i keep doodling and then jts just a cycle#if i work for 20 minutes i feel like ive ran a marathon and i have to take a 40 minutes drawing/staring into the distance break#and im gonna fail maths but theres literally nothing i can do no matter what i do I can't focus for over 20 minutes at a time#and then its the end of class and i feel guilty bc oh i didnt do any work :( like i feel bad and i want to fix it but idk whats wrong so ho#can i fix it if i dont know whats wrong with meeeee#ugh#it literally makes me want to cry am i just lazy is that what it is am i literally useless why cant i work#like i was so ahead kf the average grades and i never learnt to study and now ugh i dont know how to function so i just dont#and it doesn't help that my friends are all geniuses#like they complain about their one mark away from full marks and im just like OH MY GOD if i could just focus then i coukd do so well#likr ok i guess i wont mention tjst i failed that test bc yall sre complaining about getting one mark off fukl makrs#likr fuckkkk okay i have so mucb potential why di i waste jt :(((((#i hate school so mucb#i genuinely consider dropping out sometimes like I CANT DO THIS hiw do these peiole di ut how hiw how someone tell me how to function#like these peiole getting top marks withiut eben truijgn and i tyr and i cant fishcis so i fail snd then ufh i want to die#bc its so embarassing i eas like top 10% of the class a few years ago and now i just cant function like how do these peiple do itso#someone explain ot me how oieolem focus and dony get distracted and ginish things kike ugh
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Why have I felt on the verge of crying all day literally nothing has happened
#woke up on the wrong side of the bed i guess#like ive been home alone all day and i actually got a lot of things done that i needed to#with no interruptions or setbacks or anything. nothing to make me upset#i just. have this weight in my chest and i cant find anything to distract me from it#trying to draw/practice piano/game/etc has done nothing#im really in that No Hyperfixation period where i dont have something to think about 24/7 to bring me joy i guess#and im so tired all of the time. my roommate wants help with stuff tomorrow but i genuinely dont know if i can do it#even though i have nothing else going on and i do want to help her but im just. so tired. and ive been doing things with her Every Weekend#i think i just need a break. idk. i dont feel like i deserve one#negative#skele says stuff
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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#ive got a migraine and cant sleep#and the only thing that is providing any kind of relief#or at least causing a different kind of pain fot a distraction#is grabbing a fistful of hair at the root and holding it rly tightly so my scalp pulls#specifically when its done at the back of my head#so i guess it helps with the tension up through my neck and shoulders#and its so fucking weird and idk why its the only thing that seems to help
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i just woke up and realized my art did developed holy crap
#girl what drawing tf2 does to a mf fr#since i have been drawing tf2 my artstyle just developed better and now i finally have found an original artstyle compared to the ones#i had back in the beginning of 2023#IF ONLY I WASNT SO LAZY and so distracted holy shit i could make it more better like studying backgrounds ugh#and keep practicing my coloring girl i have been drawing a lot but not coloring i need to start painting before i forgot it#but oh my god i swear it developed bc i am drawing a little more fast than before and my lineart is more bold than before#guys fucking practice with tf2 characters and ALSO dorohedoro that is also my main inspo too#i feel like also w dorohedoro i developed my style but back then i was still more shaky than bold#but now i can happily say i am no more embarrassed in my artstyle of how i draw characters like i used to be before#i was always so goddamn negative for no reason with myself but i guess the negativity helped me develop my artstyle#but gave me artblock sadly… and often issues w self esteem but aaaa idk i think i’m doing much better i can do better yes just…#need to draw more and that is the actual nightmare huh
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fucking love when my stepmom takes away my phone so i don’t “talk to my friends” like what. what is the fucking logic behind that???
#reze stfu#LIKE!!#i can understand if she wanted me to focus or not be distracted but#why. why is her reasoning so i don't talk to my friends#what. how does that make ANY sense#idk i don't want to sound lke a brat but?? i don't??? think isolating me is going to help??????#hm. i guess that's just shit i had to deal with here. on top of her being homophobic and my dad being an asshole... :/ yay#god i cannot WAIT to get back to my mom's#tw vent
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Hey, you're not a bad person. If you don't know any better then you simply didn't know any better. That doesn't make you worthy of shame or hate. You're not a bad person.
no, i know im being very hyperbolic about it all and not giving myself any grace. but it feels like my only options are "dont question anything ever so your brain doesnt eat itself alive" or "dont ever forget how bad everything is because youre doing a disservice to everyone if you forget." and im doing the first one because ive spent so long doing this specific thing and feeling very guilty over things that i have no control over and its not good for me. but i know its morally incorrect to be happy in a broken system
and i cant stand the idea of being happy and doing well when its morally wrong to do so. and when other people observe me being happy they will scoff at me and hate me. i dont want to do things wrong ever or disagree with anyone and i would do the right thing if i had the rulebook, you know. but there isnt one because theres no concrete metric to measure the meaning of life and value on. so i will always be "living wrong" because nothing means anything in truth. and i dont want to be wrong to people
#sorry i really appreciate the sentiment#its very very kind of you#(obviously im saying this out loud for attention. or something idk)#you didnt ask for my mind and its not your problem you did a very kind thing#i know i just need to stop thinking about it and i know that the only practical solution is to grow slowly#following my values and morals and the people i am inspired by or whatever#but vis a vis the first dilemma. sometimes it just feels like allowing myself to be distracted is morally wrong#ill forget about this tomorrow. i shouldnt have looked at their blog i guess#but i should have because i need something to open my eyes and remind me i suck and i need to be a better person#with better political values and personal values and awareness of how bad everything is and how wrong i am#like im getting into govt work and im happy about it. both of those are probably bad#because state resources suck and gatekeep people and dont help people enough and the govt is evil#and working is bullshit and society is bullshit and everything is bad#i know both of those things to an extent but im bad because im happy about it and i continue tk exist in the system in a way that#perpetuates it#and im not even allowed to complain because complaining about being a bad person with bad morals makes me even worse#im gonna get off of my phone and play my podcast.#i wish i had a god to tell me what is right and wrong like i used to but i cant ever go back because it all seems so made up to me now#but also i shouldnt need a god to have a moral compass and do things that are good for other people#mmmndbbhjcnbbbabsbbdjgng. hmbmvm
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#got a closer look at her nametag#dead or alive#dead or alive 6#nico#doa#idk what a principal cyberneticist is tho#even doing a little wiki search hasn't really helped besides learning cybernetics really deals with causal feedback loops#and pertains to multiple areas of study that aren't just science and computers#it's almost a catch-all with how much it covers#Cybernetics deals with the systems characteristics that produce the 'steering' or control mechanisms for the purpose assigned to them.#according to another source#so she gets to figure out how to make MIST's little projects listen to commands and whatnot?#I guess that tracks#anyway this deep dive doesn't really mean anything#I got distracted and if you're reading the tags then thank you for coming with me on this little journey to figure out what NiCO does XD#officially at least
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Why does anxiety have ti have physical symptoms. Like bitch I KNOW we’re scared shitless over a nonexistent issue but do you really have to add the fucking shaking and nausea like damn. You’re doing too much girl. Keep the illness in the brain where it belongs
#nick.txt#i just want to calm tf down man#my roommate isnt here#i have no clue where she is#shes not answering her phone#her situationship said she wasnt with him#i messaged the other friend on ig and he hasn’t responded#she probably went out drinking w her friends and crashed at their place#she’s probably like sleeping off the hangover#ive texted her so much and called a lot so i dont want to call or text anymore#but my brain cant handle it its screaming that we have to gef ahold of her#its very ‘what if shes hurt or someone took her’#even though it’s unlikely#im gonna… i guess give it a few hours#if she doesn’t text or call me by then ill ask the situationship to text of call the other friend and ask if shes there#i think im just gonna get high and try to study#distract myself#im scared ill have to report her missing#its stupid i know#if she doesn’t respond by tomorrow ill think about it#its already weird she didn’t text me when she left but also she has no obligation to tell me where shes going#i dont really care about the fact that shes going out moreso knowing shes going to be safe#because im paranoid as fuck#probably doesnt help that last week someone in the apartment complex was being weird as fuck and creepy towards her#she was scared shitless and i was out cold#idk man#shes like a sister to me#i think thats why im freaked out#i really care about her#shes one of my closest friends
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In my dream last night, someone in the grocery store aisle asked me to read the raisin box which was in front of me, and it said to microwave it first to soften them. Weird, huh? It was like $6.99 for a small pack of snack raisins so I said FUCK that. SMH @ dream-flation.
We can't even have dream raisins anymore. Because of woke up.
#ngl kinda wanna try it but i think thatll only make hot raisins not softer ones idk#just thought this was funny i typed it on twitter along with screenshots of the nonsense i typed as i was asleep#ShitPost.exe#Cori.exe#Posts.exe#dreams#i rly hope i dont get dropped back in this dream world it really sucked (light-hearted)#the ppl were so incompetent and could not fight the monsters with me. there was a clowncar moment with them.#and the team of assassins i got stuck with tried putting WHOLE ENTIRE PILLS into the targets food i had to stop them#..and show them it needed to be crushed but the task took forever because the pills got sticky! the ppl walked away and i was like#'i gotta get out of here this is never gonna work and i dont wanna see the reaction' so i woke up lol#it sounds silly but it was very Not Fun#like fighting the monsters didnt even occur to these ppl they just took whatever damage the monsters dealt and ran away#like unarmed npcs i guess despite the fact i was also unarmed. i got stuck under a stage until a monster got distracted bc no one helped#it was mildly stressful and id rather not deal w ppl from that world again#actually yeah it really was like dealing with bugged npcs like the clowncar moment#we were trying to escape the big monster i was fighting and it took forever to convince them to sit on each others and my lap#they kept getting out and running around the car#once we got in. they opened the doors and ran around again like dude stop we need to get out of here
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repeating my therapists words in my head like the bike message in pokemon
#i am not responsible for other people#i am not responsible for their actions or feelings i am not in control of that#if its not in my control then i need to take a step back and accept that#tw drugs#soooooooooooo my dad picked up the op of the iods. which he was addicted to for about a decade and stopped a decade ago#like if he had gotten them when the hospital offered it to him it would be whatever yk because he has suffered burns#but he said no at the hospital and stressed that he wouldnt take that poison again#his words idk anything about them#and now that we're talking about weaning him off of his gabapentin (what hes been taking for pain)#he picks them up dawg you say youre not in pain enough to take regular old medicine anymore#i am quite so very stressed about it. our genepool is very heavy on addictions and yk my mom never stopped so i Experienced it#and of course i Experienced it as a child but i dont remember any of my childhood#but i would really rather my father not get addicted to them again i think that would be really quite terrible#i confronted him about it and he said he was just going to keep them as a backup just in case#like ofc i dont want my dad to be in pain. but he cant just say hes feeling really good and then pick them up#because that sets off the “he just wants to use them for Using them” alarm in my head#but i am not in control of him i cant control his actions i tried my best and now whatever happens happens i guess#trying very hard not to freak out very hard right now (everything in my body wants to have a cheeky panic attack and/or spiral)#have no close friends/friends i feel like i can just vent to for freesies is kind of a nightmare#i miss my Friends i miss my Friends i wish i could tell them my situation and just feel like i am Supported and Cared For#being lonely is all fun and games until bad things are happening in your life and you have no one to distract you or help you
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always told "is better to have 1-2 good friends than 20 not so good friends" or things like that. but... kinda not better tbh. can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there when you need someone. is nice to have more options. gareuntee *someone* can be there at any time.
but reality is I can't have many friends and can't expect 2 friends I do have to pay attention to me when need someone. afraid to annoying them and make them leave like everyone else. so all I can do is suffer alone ._.
#so hard to get friends who will/can hang out and distract me when needed#no one wants to hang out with lee 🥲#brain bad and wont stop. cant escape brain alone. need another person to help. but go months without talking to other people#try not to be annoying and bother them but they have no time for lee even a few times a year so dont want to be pushy and annoying#sighs idk. how to get used to being alone and accepting its reality for lee. people are hard. being alone easier right? then why feel bad???#lee rambles#🥲🥲😭😭🥲🥲😭😭#so used to asking “friends” to play game or something and get rejwcted every time then after about 3 times friend deletes me as friend#or starts acting weird and annoyed at me until am pushed out of friend group or blocked or never asked to hang out anymore#only give it 3 chances but is always too many for everyone. so afraid to ask anyone first to do things and wait for them#but they never ask. ugh whats wrong with me what am i rambling about. dont know.#wish this gane im playing was enough to distract brain but IS NOT WORKING#angry sad dread feeling or whatever feeling is wont stop#dont know what causes it. can only guess. guessing need attention/afffection or some sort#because cats rejecting lee attention and affection and family being rude when trying to interact makes me VERY UPSET RIGHT NOW#dont know what do ._.#want to not exist anymore. just poof out of reality until feel better
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#the whole vet situation gives me such trauma whiplash im too busy with that that i havent really given myself a chance to process today#all i can think about is how painful eating must be for mischa#i noticed she slowed down a bit and wouldnt eat kibble or hard snacks but i thought it might be one single tooth ache idk#i actually thought she was doing better because she slowed down because she has been gulping down food way too fast since the shelter#the last time she had tooth problems like 2-3 years ago i asked a friend to come with me to the vet and she said omg yes of course#and then she resumed texting me normal stuff throughout the day of the appointment and only after i didnt reply the whole day she noticed#like 10 hours too late she was like OH SHIT HAHA!! and this is literally what happens every time when i ask someone to be there for me#when i make myself really vulnerable and ask for help and say that i cant do something alone they let me down#while knowing that i have no one else#i asked my mom to come to the vet once and she literally only talked about herself the whole time distracting me#and then she was like haha yeah lets just drop off the cat at home and go get some lunch hihi!!!!#she never remembers vet appointments even when we just talked about them and loves making fun of me for being stressed and tense#like OH NO WONDER YOU WERE MOODY like im on my period or something#i texted a friend about mischas health issues and me losing my job and she hasnt replied since january and doesnt really talk to me anymore#so i guess that friendship is done too#ill have to go there on thursday alone and overdraft my account and wait until the evening and care for mischa all alone#i cant even talk with someone about this because no one understands or judges my emotions and no one cares anyway#and then ill have to go back to work where everyone knows that i will be gone soon and will pester me about it#they all think of me as a temporary intern anyway and ask WHEN WILL YOU GO FIND A REAL JOB while they make me do theirs#everything and everyone at that job is so horrible and so many people leave and they never learn#a colleague i helped teaching everything suddenly turned on me &my other colleague & made our lives miserable while badmouthing us viciously#and everyone in the office chose her over us and let her get away with it while she screamed at us and behaved like a child#its so ironic how i stayed because i needed money to live and now when i go i will have 0 because of the surgery#i mean its worth it but like#what the fuck is life and what will it fucking be next month
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I’m sad and tired and stressed so I’m gonna rb some of my favorite fics from my master list to try to cheer myself up 👍🏻
#idk why I think that will help I just#need a distraction rn I guess#also I’m aware I still have asks in my inbox from forever ago I’m sorry y’all!!!#I haven’t forgotten about them#lindsey rambles
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