#want to not exist anymore. just poof out of reality until feel better

[autisticlee]

always told "is better to have 1-2 good friends than 20 not so good friends" or things like that. but... kinda not better tbh. can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there when you need someone. is nice to have more options. gareuntee *someone* can be there at any time.

but reality is I can't have many friends and can't expect 2 friends I do have to pay attention to me when need someone. afraid to annoying them and make them leave like everyone else. so all I can do is suffer alone ._.

[slurrmp]

little headcannons about elenore on board the enterprise.                       yes i will totally update these the more i rewatch.

1. she 100% would have to spend a solid couple of days in the decon chamber. considering no one really considered all the illnesses and viruses that she hasn’t been exposed too yet. she actually happened to get deathly sick her third day on board. phlox was beside himself trying to keep her alive. 2. she hoards her inhaler with her life. the way that she probably doesn’t know if they could synthesize anymore. so she’s just wheezing every so often because she doesn’t want to waste it. until she fucking passes out in the hall and phlox is literally just “ ????? bitch????? its simple. “ 3. ellie does sometimes go poof. she disappears for a couple of days before always returning back to the enterprise. it’s almost like home base for her. she’s safe there. 3.1. she disappears to future ships. she can’t tell her enterprise crew, but it does help her get the upper hand on learner about new species. 4. but it also means that her and daniels have beef. 4.1. she also promptly stole his quarters. 5. she actually impresses chef when she’s finally cleared to roam the ship. she brings her a game and he actually lets her work a little bit in the galley. 6. which means she also proves her worth to archer. she does his dinner some nights. while also ripping it with desserts , for the little senior staff dinners. but she’s finally feeling useful after pretty much taking up space in sickbay for two solid weeks. 7. ellie introduces the crew to the wonders of 21st century reality tv. she finds shows like big brother , married at first sight (australia bc there is no better version) and even the bachelor. 7.1. t’pol is very very much into the bachelor , even if she would never admit it. she lets ellie eat from her popcorn bucket. 7.2. trip is very much into big brother. 7.3. hoshi adores a good singing contest. 8. ellie and trip bond over sun , surf and florida. well for ellie its mainly bonding over the fact that disney.world still exists. the idea that it does has ellie bouncing out of her seat (and a little terrified). 9. ellie has a four legged shadow.  she fed porthos cheese once and that dog follows her everywhere. 9.1. if he’s a good enough dog , she will feed him something more nutritious than the bagged dog food archer always seems to give him. 10. ngl when i say the four of them , i mean archer/trip/t’pol/ellie , all somehow end up joined at the hip. maybe its just a senior staff type of thing. the only ones to know of ellie’s special ability or something else. who knows. :)))))

[elencr]

                little headcannons about elenore on board the enterprise.                        yes i will totally update these the more i rewatch.

1. she 100% would have to spend a solid couple of days in the decon chamber. considering no one really considered all the illnesses and viruses that she hasn’t been exposed too yet. she actually happened to get deathly sick her third day on board. phlox was beside himself trying to keep her alive. 2. she hoards her inhaler with her life. the way that she probably doesn’t know if they could synthesize anymore. so she’s just wheezing every so often because she doesn’t want to waste it. until she fucking passes out in the hall and phlox is literally just “ ????? bitch????? its simple. “ 3. ellie does sometimes go poof. she disappears for a couple of days before always returning back to the enterprise. it’s almost like home base for her. she’s safe there. 3.1. she disappears to future ships. she can’t tell her enterprise crew, but it does help her get the upper hand on learner about new species. 4. but it also means that her and daniels have beef. 4.1. she also promptly stole his quarters. 5. she actually impresses chef when she’s finally cleared to roam the ship. she brings her a game and he actually lets her work a little bit in the galley. 6. which means she also proves her worth to archer. she does his dinner some nights. while also ripping it with desserts , for the little senior staff dinners. but she’s finally feeling useful after pretty much taking up space in sickbay for two solid weeks. 7. ellie introduces the crew to the wonders of 21st century reality tv. she finds shows like big brother , married at first sight (australia bc there is no better version) and even the bachelor. 7.1. t’pol is very very much into the bachelor , even if she would never admit it. she lets ellie eat from her popcorn bucket. 7.2. trip is very much into big brother. 7.3. hoshi adores a good singing contest. 8. ellie and trip bond over sun , surf and florida. well for ellie its mainly bonding over the fact that disney.world still exists. the idea that it does has ellie bouncing out of her seat (and a little terrified). 9. ellie has a four legged shadow.  she fed porthos cheese once and that dog follows her everywhere. 9.1. if he’s a good enough dog , she will feed him something more nutritious than the bagged dog food archer always seems to give him. 10. ngl when i say the four of them , i mean archer/trip/t’pol/ellie , all somehow end up joined at the hip. maybe its just a senior staff type of thing. the only ones to know of ellie’s special ability or something else. who knows. :)))))

[ddarker-dreams]

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID THE TRUTH.

I admit that i enjoyed act 3 but it feels like really rushed i have so much complain with that.

The build up until act 2 was so good it give us so much premise but the final blow si meh. Sorry that i want to share thing long rant with you

1. Why the final talk is with yae, no offense to her but we need ei to explain not to mention she witness khaenriah downfall so she can give us more information, i feel like they do it for the plot armor so they can just keep dragging this

2. So many things that quite inconsistant, the shogun is show no mercy to anyone that even did a little thing outside what she think its right, how come she can still have a talk with signora, when sara is falling like that, and also there is no clarification about sara right now.

The traveler was so done at first they refuse to help thoma and ayaka at the beginning. But they seem so happy and forget everything how come they are not RAGE ( okay maybe this is to bias and personal) when this nation provide nothing about our siblings information and also why they are not mention anything about their problem in ei stroy quest. Its nonsense! She is right in front of youu, ask about your siblings, ask about khaenriah, ask about ukmown god!!. How come they can just forget like that. Also mihoyo really waste the potential about twin things i thing ei will give us so much help bcs of the sympathy that we both rn lost our twin but noooo.

3. Kokomi seem lost some brain cell, she make a very succesfull grand intro but she become meh in act 3, how come a great strategist like her let the sus sponsorship slip just bcs they are desperate, not to mention her screen time is really small and her role seem so unsignificant and it feels lile she is a plain npc.

4. The awesome world quest that we have done doesnt get any mention at all! Inazuma owe us so much with cleansing sakura, thunder sakura, tatarigami, obarashi quest. It has so much potential that yae or ei or anyone else aknowledge what traveler has been done but nooo.

cracks knuckles... i suppose it's time for my promised dissertation. interestingly enough, you touched on a lot of the main issues i had with chapter III.

i think that if i had to pin the main issue, it's a lack of overall cohesiveness? we were jumping all over the place without the chance to ever flesh things out. inazuma is a smaller cast, but i feel like we didn't get to see any of them shine. since i'm most interested in the genshin characters, i'll break down my problems by going over everyone and their (lack) of impact on the story.

was ayaka not questioned or placed under suspicion for being close to thoma before his escape? i wanted to see her broken up over her duties as they relate to the yashiro commission, paired with having someone she genuinely cares about in danger. it would've been an interesting struggle if she was forced to choose one or the other. instead she just kinda took a back seat.

speaking of thoma, i don't even have anything to say, because he just... was there? for .0001 seconds. said "lol this sucks ig" and that's about it. i know we're going to get a story for him in the future since he's a 5* but i'm not getting my hopes up 😭 then in the raiden shogun's character story, man is peachy keen! be upset with the raiden shogun! have some inner conflict! even if it's just using loaded language because he's under surveillance for going against the raiden shogun, that'd be so cool. saying something like,

"Traveler, what's with that expression? Oh please, there's nothing to worry about. We're under the Statue of the Omnipresent God's protection. Nothing bad has ever happened here." *wink*

i also don't know what to say about gorou. he was... there....... i think. what is he fighting for? what are the stakes for him? what makes him place so much trust into kokomi? i'm out of things to say about him because i don't remember anything he did or said.

kokomi... oh kokomi... i was so hyped. so excited. i thought that maybe we could see a foil to the raiden shogun. that she'd have a moment where she's forced to realize, just like her opponent, sacrifices must be made that will hurt people who will never understand why she made them. or maybe something to show her military prowess. but instead she just accepts a mysterious patron's help (?), sees her people aging like the grateful dead from JJBA, and goes oh well. that sucks. what can ya do. oh bye traveler i guess, good luck with that. ????????????? HUH... similar case to thoma where she's gonna get a character story but like. she won't be the leader of the resistance anymore. that was her whole shtick. they took her shtick away. also she forced me to interact with more NPCs whose names i've already forgotten so i'm tilted about that still.

KUJOU SARA... AN INJUSTICE. A DISGRACE. a slap to my woman loving face. the build up was there. yae miko's comments about sara probably knowing the tenryou commission is involved in shady dealings, but is choosing not to think about it. sara being forced to confront reality and challenge her adopted father with the truth. being able to blaze a new path for herself in the process. when she started running to the raiden shogun i was ultra hyped up. sara, a devotee to the shogun for so long, was about to see her god interacting with the same people who led inazuma to this awful state. how would she react? would she stay ignorant, like yae miko so coyly said, choosing to look away in favor of following her god's footsteps? or would she be forced to recognize the raiden shogun isn't as divine as she once thought, and challenge her belief system?

we open the door to see the raiden shogun. the loading screen ensues. the camera pans to the ominous room, clouded in darkness, hinting at the ominous confrontation that is to come. the music takes a serious timbre. and then...

well fuck that potential character arc i guess. (we still don't know what sara made of any of this since she poofed out of existence from the story at this point)

kazuha also was handed a similar treatment. we've been with him for a while longer now. he is our introduction into inazuma, the one who first gets us emotionally involved by regaling us with the bittersweet tale of friendship that led him to becoming a wanted criminal. a kind soul who loves nature yet was dealt a cruel hand by fate, forced to watch his home nation turn into a hostile place, where his dear friend ultimately perished as a result. we get the scene with his friend's vision lighting back up. he parries a block from the raiden shogun, in the same area where his friend was killed by her. the parallels. the drama. except this time, he wasn't too late. he protected the traveler where he "failed" to protect his friend in the past. did he feel redemption at this? or was it a bittersweet reminder of what could've been?

WELL i guess we'll never know because we didn't get to talk to him again 😭 idk who got a bait and switch worse, him or sara. jesus christ mihoyo.

then we have signora. why is the raiden shogun talking to her? does she know about the gnosis being taken, and if she doesn't, what was her plan to get it from the archon? what does she think about scaramouche? and oh, okay, we're fighting here now. good fight + god tier music. pog pog. okay, now we've beaten her up, and raiden shogun wyd— wait no not signora her lore is still on CUPS not YET raiden shogun and— ah she's dead. okay. non nerds who didn't read artifact lore are going to know nothing about her. signora has such an interesting story, and yet... well. ok.

then we get raiden shogun redemption (?) arc. i was hype for this as well, though at that point, idk why i bothered being hype. i knew they were gonna do a cute power of friendship something or another, and i'm good with that, so long as it's executed well. what i was envisioning was like seven different buffs to correspond with the seven different visions, the dreams of those whose ambitions were stolen serving as the spear to penetrate the raiden shogun's heart of stone. maybe a hydro vision giving us extra healing for a time, with the voice acting over it being like,

"Even if the rest of the world forgets us, let our will carry you through this one final time. Succeed where we couldn't, Traveler."

so on and so forth.

but instead we got— you get the idea at this point. why bother spelling it out anymore.

at that point i was surprised the raiden shogun didn't go "oopsie woopsie!! we made a fucky wucky!!!" because that was the vibe i was getting. i love ei, don't get me wrong, but i wanted to see her challenged with what she had done to inazuma in the past year. maybe meeting NPC #2345259 who lost her sister to the vision decree or something, reminding ei of the love she held for her sister... being forced to come to terms with the extent of what she's done in pursuit of eternity.

anyway. please for the love of god mihoyo hire better writers for the main story. that is all i ask. thank you.

[sunset-curve-fantom]

You could do one where the reader is a mean and scary girl who scares everyone and she is friends with the boys and likes Reggie. Until one day the boys go through her things and discover that she likes someone, but does not say who. They repent anyway because the reader finds out and gets angry making the boys afraid of her. Reggie, with a bit of courage, asks the reader who she likes and she confesses that she likes him and Reggie confesses back?

Warnings: None

A/N: I HOPE YOU ENJOY, I HOPE I DID THIS JUSTICE FOR YOU.

You had always been the girl everyone was terrified of, everywhere you went something terrible happened. Eventually, your friends began dropping out of your life, afraid of something happening to them for being in the same room as you.

So, you ended up being the freak, the person everyone was terrified of. You had lost so many people in your life; it seems everyone else was trying to avoid getting hurt as well. So, they just walked away when you needed people the most. 

The only person who had enough courage to approach you was Julie Molina, bless her whole heart. She just lost her mom and she was going to confront the most mean and scary girl in her school.

“Excuse me?”

You turned around, hair swinging over your shoulder as you looked her up and down. Too busy to even care about her standing there. You turned back to your friends, “Excuse me” You heard again, but slightly more forceful.

“What” The anger was dripping from your words, everyone was terrified of you. Why wasn’t this girl? She just didn’t know when to walk away from a dangerous situation, meaning you.

“I just- can we have a moment skank’s?” She said, looking at your group of friends. This only make you laugh as you nodded at them.

“Well isn’t little Molina confident today, how can I help you?” She cowered back a little, almost afraid if she got too close something was going to happen. You had never actually hurt anyone, but lots of people close to you had died. Sets a bad precedent, I guess.

“Uh yeah- uh-uh-uh…”

“Spit it out, Molina” At this rate, she wasn’t going to tell you what she needed till Christmas.

“Uh- I was just thinking… I know you don’t have many close friends. And I know you lost your mom- so I was wondering if you wanted to come over after school? Just for a bit?” Julie said, almost scared of your reaction. No one has ever wanted to be your friend; let alone this girl you barely knew.

Your expression softened; it was not something you ever expected from her. She was the epitome of happiness and light, while you were so dark and full of sadness. It was an odd mix.

“Can I think about it? If that’s okay, Julie…” You said in a low voice, she nodded. Handing you a piece of paper with her phone number on it. To just let her know before the day was over.

This idea of a new friend, it brightened the anger you held in your soul. The mean and scary just became a way of deflecting the pain and suffering. It made you stronger and that was what was important, especially after such loss.

By third period, you had come to one conclusion. You were going to try your hardest to be friends with Julie Molina… and that was the first goal you had in many years.

You met Julie at the end of the day, walking back to her house. Deciding to spend your afternoon in the garage, you were surprised by the three boys sitting on the couch and chatting.

“Uh hi- I didn’t know you invited others?” You said, confusion clearly coating your features. While Julie was just stunned, clearly startled that you saw them.

“You can see them?”

You blinked rapidly and they were still there, “Uh yeah? Am I supposed to pretend they don’t exist or something?” You just chuckled under your breath, you found yourself quite funny.

The boys looked just as confused as Julie, “What?” You said again.

“They-they-uh they are ghosts…” Julie said, clearly waiting for your reaction. Instead of freaking out, you just sat your bag down before reaching out to the boy closest to you.

But your hand didn’t go through his shoulder, it just landed softly. As if he was really sitting in front of you. You whipped your head towards Julie, this girl you barely knew. You both were absolutely confused.

“Why-um I can touch him?” You said, swallowed the thick lump in your throat. Did you die and go to heaven or something? The boy you were touching finally spoke up,

“Well that’s a new occurrence because Julie goes right through us… And hi, I’m Reggie.” He said, clearly uncomfortable with his new reality. You could touch him, and it seems you are the only one who could.

“Well hi, uh I am Y/N. I just became friends with Julie today and this is totally weird but yet cool.” You said, the scary and mean behavior that everyone was used to, sliding off. Revealing the hurt, and scared girl underneath, who was trying so hard to hold herself together throughout the day.

You were in your own world before Julie spoke up, “And that’s Alex, and of course Luke. Ignore him, he flirts too much” You just laughed at her remark.

Instead of making one friend, you made four in one day. That is a whole new record.

The next few months were filled with some of the happiest times before you were faced with something new. A crush, a crush on a ghost. Like how do you even approach something like that? There is no book for it...

“Julie, what do I do? I have a crush on a ghost, he’s not living and technically I am a freak of nature and shouldn’t be able to see him” You huffed before landing on her bed. She just laughed at your reaction.

“You a crush? I thought you were all mean and scary and didn’t need anyone? Besides whom is-” Throwing a pillow at her before she could finish her statement, she laughed at your horrified reaction.

‘Seriously Jules… you don’t need to ask who it is; you already know just think about it” You said, handing her your journal. It was filled with lyrics and journal entries. It never mentioned a name, but it was clear that it was Reggie. He had opened a door into your world, that you never ever wanted to close.

She sat across from you, squealing at each entry. It was everything you didn’t know how to say, you had never been good with words. Especially after your mom died, it was hard to open up to anyone and be able to hold real relationships. That’s were the mean and scary persona comes in, when you hide your feelings. No one wants to be your friends, which means you didn’t have to open up. But that changed with Julie and the guys.

Julie was too busy squealing to herself, that she missed the boy’s poof in. She only noticed they had company when Alex spoke up, “Whatcha reading?”

He carefully made his way over to where Julie was sat, when you ripped the journal out of her hands, “It is none of your business, okay? You need to be rehearsing anyways” You said, placing the journal back into your bag. You and Julie made your way to the garage, but little did you know the guys stayed behind to read said journal.

In their eyes it was clear you had a crush, and it was bad. You were falling hard… They knew something had changed, as you didn’t come across so harsh anymore and you genuinely seemed happy, more often than not.

They put the journal back, and poofed into the garage before you and Julie got there, but the moment you saw them, you knew. You knew they had done something, but you couldn’t put your finger on what. That was until Luke started to sing YOUR song lyrics under his breath,

Life is a risk, but I will take it

Close my eyes and jump

Together, I think that we can make it

C'mon let's run

And rise through the night, you and I

We will fight to shine together, bright forever

You quickly turned around, glaring in Luke’s direction. The minute he caught your gaze, he knew he was in deep trouble, not only with you but with Julie.

You charged at him; every ounce of happiness drained from your face. “YOU?!? Do not tell me you did what I think you did…”

If he had blood running through his veins, he would be as pale as a literal ghost. He carefully backed away from you, hiding behind Alex

“We just wanted to know… Who is the guy? Cause you have been a lot happier recently” Luke said, you pushed Alex out of the way before making a beeline for Luke. You swiftly picked up a book from the piano and chucked it at his head. Of course, it hit him instead of going through.

“OUCH… I may have forgot you can do that. But we just wanted to know. You don’t have the scary façade anymore; you seem more genuine which is something we love to see. I didn’t even notice it at first, Reggie did.” Luke said, rubbing the back of his head. You whipped around again, this time looking at Reggie. He looked like he was going to shit his pants any moment.

“And what do you have to say? Cause it better be good” You said, stepping closer to him.

“I just- You seem more yourself, and I love to see that. I only wanted to know who this lucky guy was because you are one in a million. That’s all, I just wanted to know who he was and if he would take care of you the way you deserve” Reggie said honestly, it felt good to get it off his chest.

Alex just Aww’d in the background until you gave him a deathly glare.

“Reggie all you had to do was ask, you didn’t have to read my journal. It doesn’t really tell you anything.” You said, as Reg laughed under his breath. You were so caught up in him, you missed Julie escorting the boys out, in their words “at the best part”

You took a deep breath before finishing your statement, you could feel the tears beginning to pool in your eyes.

“Reg I have always the girl everyone was terrified of. I was scary and mean, and I had no one. Everyone, and I mean everyone hated me, and no one wanted to be my friend... I met Julie and that helped some, but you came into my life and you opened a door into my dark world. You fill everything with light, and I have fallen for you so hard. I have been so scared to even say something, I know my behavior has changed but that it because of you. You bring a happiness into my world that I never want to be without. It is you, Reg. I love you.” You said, hot tears pouring down your face.

He stepped towards you as he watched you fall apart. Reaching out he placed a warm hand to your cheek. His calloused thumb rubbing away tears. He wanted nothing more than to take away the pain from your past. He wanted nothing more than to fill your life everyday with happiness until he was unable to anymore.

“You, my love have no idea how much I have fallen for you. You aren’t scary or mean... you are perfect. That is all I see in you.” He said, placing a swift kiss to your forehead.

For the first time in your life, someone was deciding to stay instead of running away. You weren’t scary, you just needed to find the right person to bring a light into your life that you were missing.

Reggie was that light.

Taglist:

@notasofti @julies-molina @parkeret @calamitykaty @kcd15 @crybabyddl

@all-in-fangirl @gia-kerks @morganayennefertyrell

[metawitches]

In episode 6, the worlds ended, thanks to Adam’s double apocalypse. In episode 7, we meet the new world. And tie up a few loose ends.

Recap

The episode begins with a twist on the opening voice over- a segment from HG Tannhaus’ science show from the 1970s:

Tannhaus: “What is reality? Is it singular in nature? Or do several parallel realities exist at the same time? To address this, Erwin Schrodinger constructed an extremely interesting thought experiment. Schrodinger’s cat. A cat is locked in a steel chamber with a tiny amount of a radioactive substance, a Geiger counter, a vial of poison and a hammer. As soon as a radioactive atom disintegrates inside the steel chamber, the Geiger counter triggers the release of the hammer, which smashes the vial of poison. The cat is dead.

“However, due to the wave characteristics in the quantum world, that atom is indeed disintegrated and intact. Both states are true until our own observation forces it into a definitive state of existence. Until the moment we check and see, we can’t know if the cat’s dead or alive. It exists in two superposed states. The attributes “dead” and “alive” exist simultaneously in the microcosm.

“But what if the simultaneous existence of life and death also applied to the macrocosmic world? Could different realities exist side by side? Could we split time and let it run in two different directions, and, as with the cat, induce a state of death and life simultaneously? And if so, how many different realities could exist side by side?”

Good question- how many realities could exist side by side? Is that the normal state of reality- for many realities to exist side by side, happily coexisting long term without judging each other’s existences, each accepting that sometimes the cat lives, sometimes she dies, and sometimes she chooses to leave the box closed and uncertain forever? That does seem like what the theory predicts, doesn’t it?

The famous cat, waiting for her life to go one way or the other.

HG Tannhaus presents the 2 potential states which the cat is superposed in- it exists as both a live cat and a dead cat at the same time, until an observer opens the box and forces circumstances in one direction or the other. The observer affects the outcome because of quantum entanglement.

A representation of 3 equal states/worlds/dimensions superposed together which arose from one moment in time, showing this is possible in the Dark universe, according to science expert HG Tannhaus.

In the Prime world 2020, Alt Ex Raincoat Now Emo Martha stands outside of Hannah’s house at the end of S2, just after Adam shoots Prime Martha. Inside, Young Jonas watches his Martha die and promises to make it right. Alt Martha goes inside- or does she? In split screen, one Martha runs into the house, while the other stops when Bartosz appears and yells to her not to go inside, Back to the Future-style. He tells her that Adam doesn’t want to stop the apocalypse and will kill her in the future.

Bartosz says that they’re all doomed because of Jonas/Adam, because everything is his fault.

Of course it is. At least some things are consistent across all of Space-Time.

As the black hole warp bubble forms in the sky, Jonas runs to the basement. Bartosz takes out the time sphere and begs Martha to trust him. He can save her and show her the origin and how everything is connected. Martha and Bartosz poof away just as the shockwave hits.

So good to have Bartosz acting normally again.

Time to note the next twist of the episode- sometimes we are seeing a 3rd world, which I am going to creatively continue to call the 3rd world or Tannhaus’ world. You can tell when it’s this world because widescreen black bars appear at the top and bottom of the picture. And HG Tannhaus appears.

Except in this episode, the jumps between worlds aren’t always marked by any of the normal markers that we’re used to. Make of that what you will- do some of the scenes apply to multiple worlds? Are we seeing Bartosz’s world sometimes? Are we seeing more of Tannhaus’ world than we realize?

Did the most recent surges in time energy fry the system in some way so that the boundaries between worlds are overlapping and more fractured than usual? Maybe the new connections that were made need a while to settle down? Usually, after an event like the end of episode 6, we’d be shown where/when travel has now been opened up to- my guess is that’s why we can see Tannhaus’ world in this episode. The connection to his world has been made or changed. We’d also usually be shown the travelers along with the new places they went, but apparently we’re assuming Martha, Charlotte and Aleksander are dead.

In the Prime world, in 1986 HG told Teen Charlotte that his son, daughter-in-law and infant granddaughter, Charlotte, died when their car went off a bridge in a storm in 1971. Baby Charlotte’s body was never found. That same night, two peculiar women brought him a replacement infant to raise. The “For Charlotte” pocket watch, a Tannhaus family heirloom since the early 19th century, came with her. Teen Charlotte met Peter, who came to town that day and eventually became her husband, on the day HG told her about her past. Both HG and Charlotte were given reasons to stay in town and stay settled when they were told the story of the accident.

In the 3rd world, in 1974, the clock shop looks much more like an inventor’s workshop than usual. HG works on a machine on a table late at night. It’s unclear whether he has Charlotte in this reality. We never see her, but he could be working around her sleep and then later her school hours. In S1, Prime Charlotte found a piece of the time machine chair room’s wall paper in the bunker and recognized it for what it was.

That suggests that on the Prime world, Tannhaus brought her with him to the bunker while he worked at night and the room was originally set up as a bedroom and playroom for her. The ownership of the bunker and cabin is murky, since we’ve been shown that the property also belonged to the Dopplers, especially Helge, during the same period. Bernd Doppler and HG were the same age and may have been friends, sharing ownership of the vacation/hunting cabin between the families.

The ownership of the cabin could be a bootstrap paradox- someone could have changed history. Bernd and Helge are Claudia’s allies, so it would benefit her to pass ownership of the passage to them. Encouraging marriage between Charlotte and Peter also accomplishes that goal.

Or we could have been seeing the cabin and bunker in multiple worlds all along, but it’s only become clear now that the timelines have differentiated more. In the pilot, Jonas’ timeline, Martha’s timeline and Bartosz’s timeline may have been identical. They could be living in entirely different universes by now.

HG glances at his photo of his son and family, then the scene switches to the Winden graveyard and the family’s gravestone. They died on November 8, 1971. Marek was born on March 20, 1947. Sonja was born May 26, 1949. Charlotte’s birthday was May 30, 1971. She was just 5 months old when she died. HG leaves a red knit animal on the grave for Charlotte.

Both Charlotte and Sonja were born just a few weeks before the Summer Solstice, the peak of the light. Marek was born on the Spring Equinox, one of the balance points in the year between light and dark, this one tipped toward light.

In voice over, HG says that it’s hard for humans to accept death and loss. “We long in vain for a way to turn back time. To reverse death.”

“But if time is relative and nothing is really ever in the past, and the simultaneous overlapping of different realities is possible, shouldn’t it then also be possible to bring back something that was believed to be dead long ago and to create a new reality in which the dead live again? If our life is defined as everything between birth and death, it exists there, ad infinitum. Could we succeed in cheating death by finding a way to bring back life, there, between time?”

As he speaks, HG goes to the Doppler cottage and down into the empty bunker. He must own the cottage on this world. He looks around the bunker thoughtfully.

The bolded question is the central question of the series and especially this season. There are several different stories about how time travel began on Dark. They all have to do with bringing someone back from the dead. Generally, the characters’ theories about the knot involve blaming someone who they believe shouldn’t be alive either.

The show’s focus on how guilty characters feel about this or that serves to distract from how alarmingly frequent murder and physical violence have become. When you combine this violence with the way Adam speaks about who deserves Paradise and pay attention to how few characters Eva saves from the apocalypse, it starts to look like a multi world genocide.

Prime world, 2021.

Young Elisabeth and Hanno work to clear the rubble from the passage. It can’t be that long since Hanno finished clearing the passage the first time, in the 1920s, so he has every right to be an angry guy. Adam couldn’t send him to the 1990s for some R&R for a few years first?

Of course not, Adam doesn’t believe in happiness or fun anymore.

They reach one of the Sic Mundus doors, which gives them hope. Later, while they’re relaxing, Elisabeth looks at the For Charlotte watch that Adult Noah gave her. She asks Hanno to tell her about Paradise. He uses sign and speech. “Paradise is free of pain and sorrow. Everything we’ve ever done is forgotten there. Any pain that we’ve ever felt is erased. And all the dead live. Adam will keep his promise. The passageway will open up.”

So cruel of Adam/Jonas to raise all of these kids on the dream of a beautiful world, then take it away from them. Such a timely storyline. Better living through chemistry and physics, y’all, ’til the artificially concentrated and combined chemicals turn into poisons that build up in every system on earth.

Prime world, 1890.

Adam/Stranger Jonas is working in his workshop, wearing a leather suit that looks like a hazmat suit, but of course it isn’t as sturdy. The cesium 137 is placid in its basin until he turns on the electricity. Once it’s been hit enough times, it turns into a blue-black cloud, but it remains unstable.

When Jonas goes to one of the lightning rods to adjust something, he gets struck in the arm by an intense bolt. It gives him a large burn. The energy surge probably would have killed anyone else. He glares at the stone basin where the God particle lives- it’s sentient, so given the way he treats it, it probably is out to get him.

Later, he finds Bartosz staring out the window in the one bedroom in 1888. It’s time for their regular blame Jonas session. Bartosz is angry that Jonas hasn’t reinvented time travel and all of 20th century technology yet, after two whole years in the 19th century. He’s wasting the best years of his life here in the past and he doesn’t think Steampunk is a good look on him at all.

Jonas reiterates that he knows he’ll get the God particle working eventually, because he’s already seen it working in the future-past, but Bartosz continues to be suspicious of his intentions. Jonas explains that he wants to fix everything, not just one event or one person’s problems. He’s the savior, okay? That’s bigger than their love triangle.

Jonas: “If the portal works, then we can use it to find the origin. The one moment that started all of this. And when we’ve found it, we’ll destroy it. And everything that arises from it. That is paradise.”

Bartosz storms out and takes a long walk in the rain. Of course it’s raining. Jonas makes a mental note to do something about this situation in the future, like get Bartosz a girlfriend or a hobby so he’ll quit being such a pain in the butt.

Still in the 1890s.

Silja arrives from the 2050s, wearing Alt Martha’s 1800s outfit. She hides her hazmat suit under some brush. Bartosz comes stomping by, still fuming over Jonas. Silja makes a little noise so that Bartosz will notice her, then comes over to introduce herself.

And Jonas’ Bartosz problem is solved.

I hope that Hanno, Agnes and Silja at least got to pick out which family members they wanted to date before the first cycles in which they were used this way. Because there is no other way to interpret how they are sent to Elisabeth, Doris and Bartosz and the way Agnes was bred with the Unknown. We never see Silja question her path, but Agnes expects Jonas to keep up his side of their deal (plus, she doesn’t stay with either Doris or Unknown). Hanno/Noah openly chafes at the expectations placed on him, and eventually rebels against them, even though he loves Eli.

2023, Prime world.

After 3 years of torture by blue lightning bolts from Jonas and Claudia, the cosmic egg has developed a transparent, protective outer layer, but seems no closer to becoming a time travel portal. Claudia and Jonas give up for the day and rinse the radiation off their hazmat gear in the outer section of the power plant. Jonas is super depressed and ready to quit. Claudia tries to convince him to keep going, because, well, he just has to. Someday, somehow, it just has to work, if they can keep up their team spirit. Jonas tells her he really doesn’t have any team spirit and walks away.

Of course he goes home. He stops in the kitchen for one last look at all of his emotional touchstones- the family portrait, the kitchen table where he last saw Michael, the spot on the floor where Martha died. Then he goes up to Michael’s studio, which has tree branches growing in through the skylight. A sign from his dad, the Sun King- choose life! Jonas looks up at the ceiling beam fondly, then goes about the business of hanging himself.

He doesn’t die. Young Hanno rushes in and cuts him down, sent by either Claudia or Adam. The poor kid has been doing hard labor in the tunnels for years, now he has to live in the barren cave with his child bride, and his savior can’t even be bothered to stay alive. He tells Jonas that he and Adam made Noah and Hanno a promise that the apocalypse had to happen so that everyone would get saved. “You cannot die.”

I think if Jonas died, Hanno would kill him.

He hands Jonas a gun. Jonas holds it to his head and fires. 5 times. Hanno takes the gun back and fires the bullet in the last chamber at the wall. Time and Hanno win this game of Russian roulette.

Hanno explains that Jonas can’t kill himself, because his older self already exists. A force or a person will always intervene. He tells Jonas that he and Elisabeth have found the passage, as ordered by Jonas’ older self. So now it’s up to Jonas to keep the promises made by his older selves.

When Hanno burst into the room, Jonas asked why he was there and if he was following him. After that, Jonas stayed silent. When they’re done with the gun, Hanno brings him to the passage to prove that it’s waiting to be reopened. Jonas stays silent for this as well.

Hanno tells him again that the passage will open up and then Adam will take them to Paradise. Before then, he and Jonas are supposed to become friends, until Hanno is betrayed.

It’s always worded that way- Hanno/Noah will be betrayed and Jonas will be to blame. Jonas is never blamed in the active voice and Hanno never notices. But Hanno is also one of the few who knew Adam well before he met Jonas, so he sees Adam as the real version. Young Jonas is merely the alternate.

Jonas is already tired of the burdens placed on him by people he hasn’t become yet.

And he isn’t even saving for retirement or a mortgage or his kid’s college or keeping up with the maintenance on that poor house so he can pass it down to the Unknown. His eldercare plan for his parents is pretty rough, too.

I’m thinking Jonas’ cosmic egg is also a metaphor for all of those core wounds that get buried deep inside and won’t budge, no matter what you do to heal them. They pop out occasionally as giant black time clouds or nightmares or ex boyfriends. They say that time heals all wounds, but even time can’t heal some damage.

Metamaiden says she assumes that “time heals all wounds” means you’ll die eventually anyway and then your problems will be over.

She was born with this cheery outlook, folks.

But you see- Jonas doesn’t have death to look forward to as an end to his pain, so he keeps zapping that poor time egg. It’s ultimately a circle of torture and self-loathing, punctuated by occasional suicide attempts. He didn’t even hesitate before he pulled the trigger on that gun, 5 times in a row.

In 1904, Silja gives birth to a baby boy. She tells Bartosz she wants to name him Hanno. Bartosz realizes that this innocent newborn baby will grow up to be the killer who brought him into Sic Mundus while posing as a priest and drug dealer.

In the 3rd world, 1974, Tannhaus hangs the photo of his son’s family on the bunker wall, mirroring the way Claudia hung photos on the wall and Martha made the family trees in chalk. The 3rd world mirrors the other two, but things don’t happen in exactly the same way or at the same time.

Tannhaus: “Fate is playing a cruel trick on us. Yet we will always believe there is a way to turn the tide in our favor. If we only want it hard enough. A person is able to pursue any goal, no matter how unattainable it may seem, over the course of an entire lifetime. No resistance, no obstacle is great enough to stop the human will in its tracks… Throughout the ages, isn’t this unquenchable thirst at the heart of any progress that is ever made? No matter what motivates our will, it guides us on our path. We will only be able to let go once we have finally reached our goal.”

As Adult Tannhaus speaks, he spends the 12 years from 1974 to 1986 building a time machine in the bunker. At the same time, he turns into Old Tannhaus. The machine is a large ball with even larger rays sticking out. When he’s done, it looks like a room size version of what’s probably in the sphere.

We saw a similar aging process mirrored with Gustav Tannhaus in the carriage, which had a prophet, the wheels of time and Charlotte’s watch, even if it didn’t technically have a souped up time machine. HG’s new time machine could be seen as a high tech variation on a wheel of time or a cosmic egg as well.

Forward to Prime world, 2040.

17 years have passed in the power plant and Hanno and Jonas have aged into their older selves. Hanno works with Claudia and Jonas on the God particle. At rest, it’s still a white cosmic egg, but when stimulated by enough electricity, it gradually turns black, then becomes the larger cloud that’s a precursor to forming portals. They all look hopeful for a moment as the cloud begins to smooth out into a ball, but it doesn’t hold the formation.

Later that night, Jonas and Hanno stand outside in the dark over a fire. Jonas wonders why the portal isn’t working.

Hanno: “Maybe Claudia doesn’t want it to work.”

(This is correct.)

He asks why Jonas trusts Claudia. Jonas asks why Hanno trusts Adam (Adam raised him).  He tells Hanno that Adam’s Paradise is a lie and that he knows the portal will work eventually, because he’s seen it, in the future-future. Everything repeats itself, so this will, too, Jonas is sure that he can do things differently this time though. He and Claudia have changed enough of the components in the passage so that this time, he’ll be able to close it forever when he tries in November 2019, as Stranger Jonas.

Hanno confirms that Claudia told Jonas this. Then he asks what Jonas actually knows about Claudia. “She sometimes disappears for days. How does she know all the things she knows? She said that not all that’s here, should exist here. What did she mean by that? Claudia’s hiding something from us. We can’t trust her. I hope that you know that.”

A very pregnant Elisabeth calls Hanno inside for the night.

Alt Claudia to Prime Claudia: “He still doesn’t suspect anything?”

Prime Claudia: “No, he has no idea that you or the other world exist.”

Alt Claudia: “You must continue to guide him on this path. The matter must not function yet. You keep the knot up in your world, and I’ll keep it in mine.”

Alt Claudia pulls out the sphere, ready to leave. Prime Claudia stop her. She asks how Eva knows what will happen in the future and what instructions to give them. She wonders if Eva knows everything, every future. Has Alt Claudia met her? Alt Claudia asks who she means. Prime Claudia says, “My older self.” Alt Claudia says, “No.”

Prime Claudia: “I still remember exactly what she said. ‘If all this works, then our Regina will live.’ I’ve thought about it all these years. I just can’t believe that what she meant by that was that her suffering would repeat endlessly. There must be a way to untie the knot, without destroying all life in it. A way for Regina to live. Really live. I think neither Eva nor Adam know this path. But I’ll find it. In my world or yours.”

Prime Claudia takes out a gun and shoots Alt Claudia in the forehead. Alt Claudia dies. Prime Claudia becomes the supreme deity on 2 worlds. She picks up her prize, the Golden Time Snitch of Omniscience. Now she can figure out what the multiverse is really all about.

Because they’d never seen an Alt Old Claudia, Prime Claudia assumed she was meant to kill her. Claudias think this way. To be fair, so do Adams and Evas. They are gods, far beyond our mortal ways of thinking about murder and death. They know there’s always another version of the person, somewhere, on some world, and anyway, that person will be born again, next cycle, like nothing ever happened.

Claudia is assuming that at some point she changed the course of the cycles to bend toward favoring her Regina. And if that isn’t the reason Alt Claudia died in past cycles, well, it is now. If you ever think that changes haven’t been occurring over the course of the cycles, go watch S1Ep1 and any S2 episode again. The Windens are all very different places.

And with all the Claudia drama, we skipped right past the confirmation that she’s actively holding back progress on the God particle portal (“The matter must not function yet.”). She doesn’t need to hold Jonas back in 1888. The primitive working conditions do that by themselves. In the 21st century, they can scavenge modern materials. So she’s misdirecting him toward experiments that are ineffective, while she and Eva, and maybe Adam, work on other goals.

Swoop into the Alt world, focus on those darn scorched paintings. This scene takes place after the apocalypse in the Alt world, when Stranger Martha is aging into Eva, so it’s probably about 2040 there as well. Eva’s God particle apparatus is disassembled on the floor, so she probably lost it in the shockwave too and is trying to rebuild it.

The same scenario is being played out on all 3 worlds, in a different way on each world. As promised, no matter what, the three worlds are linked and the same archetypal events repeat between them. Family members die and get lost, going all the way back to the first Charlotte Tannhaus in the early 1800s, creating the desire to change the timeline. Time travel is invented and reinvented, repeatedly, by the same or different people. This is not a one time occurence based on a single sad event.

Tannhaus justifies following his Will with no restrictions by saying that wanting his son back so badly makes it okay. Claudia believes that saving Regina’s life justifies anything she will do for that cause, no matter who else she hurts in the process. Both arguments come back to Bernd’s advice to take what you want, because no one will give it to you. The flip side of that is the assumption that you are owed whatever you want and no one else’s needs or desires matter as much as your own.

When Prime Claudia enters, Stranger Eva asks if her alternate self is coming, too? Claudia says that Noah is watching her, so she couldn’t get away.

Note that she knows he’s suspicious of her and is limiting her movements because of him. When Charlotte disappears, Noah’s mental focus is conveniently removed from Claudia and his physical person is conveniently removed to time periods and locations Adult Claudia mostly stays away from.

Eva rolls up a blueprint for a time travel device and tells Claudia to give it to the other Claudia, who must then give it to Tannhaus to build. She asks if the Claudias understand why everything they’re doing is necessary and everything has to keep repeating. Claudia nods her head yes.

At some point, everyone in Winden will have been designed one of the time travel devices. I’m glad to see Martha get her shot. Does Alt Tannhaus also get blueprints, or does the Alt world go straight from their futuristic God particle portal design to the sphere?

Back in time to 1910. We aren’t shown a switch back to the Prime world, and for the first time all season, we’re shown the outside of Erna’s tavern and boarding house. Either we’re still in the Alt world, or this happened in both worlds. Both worlds, is my guess.

Silja has died in childbirth. A woman tells Hanno that he has to be strong now for his father. Someone holds crying baby Agnes. A crazed looking Bartosz bursts into the room and kneels at Silja’s side. The midwife tells him the baby’s name. He looks overwhelmed.

Forward to 2041.

Under a full moon, Hanno and Elisabeth leave their cabin to bring in the laundry that’s hung outside. Elisabeth asks Hanno to tell her about paradise. As he tells her the same story he told her in the caves in 2020, 2053 Charlotte and Elisabeth sneak into their cabin to kidnap Baby Charlotte. Elisabeth picks up the baby she lost 12 years prior. Charlotte takes the pocket watch.

When Hanno is done with the story, they hug and take the laundry inside, where they discover that Charlotte is missing.

Hanno vs Noah

By telling Elisabeth the story, Hanno keeps her facing away from the cabin during the kidnapping, so she has no idea what happens. But as it’s happening, he seems like he’s upset and trying to control his emotions. From where he’s standing, he should notice the movements of the two women entering and leaving his cabin.

Noah/Hanno tells the Paradise story to Elisabeth twice on camera- just after Peter dies, which he knew was coming but didn’t prevent, and now during Charlotte’s kidnapping. Did he know it was coming and that he had to let it happen? Even though he spends the rest of his life blaming Adam and Claudia?

I think he did know that he had to let it happen, but he blames them because Charlotte is taken as part of their war. Prime Hanno blames Adam/Jonas and Claudia for the whole war and the way it tears the whole family apart, starting with the death of his mother. Silja was born in the 50s. If she hadn’t been time displaced, she probably wouldn’t have died in childbirth.

Before he dies, Bartosz tells his son to ask Adam why he took Hanno back in as an adult, after the apocalypse and after Charlotte was taken, and called him Noah instead of Hanno. The biblical Noah is remembered for saving his own family and two members of every species. Since we are all theoretically descended from those winners, we see it as a victory for the virtuous.

We rarely think about the fact that Bible Noah knew the flood was coming and did nothing to stop everyone but his family from dying. Noah’s immediate family weren’t actually much better than anyone else. It’s more likely that Noah had boat building skills and was in the right place at the right time. But Noah went along with God’s plan and watched everyone die, feeling quite good about himself. In fact, when it’s all over, God makes a backhanded promise to Noah:

“Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.”

God promises he won’t send another apocalypse, even though humans are born evil with no hope of ever changing. God has apparently given up on finding good in humanity and is settling for telling people to be fruitful and multiply.

Like so many others, Hanno usually has good intentions overall, but he performs evil acts, such as killing Erik, Yasin and Mads, to attain his goals. In the Dark world, consequences usually catch up with the characters over time, no matter their intentions.

Hanno leaves the cabin and goes straight to Jonas, who’s working in the bunker, and demands to know where Charlotte is. Jonas is taken by surprise as Hanno shoves him up against a wall and nearly chokes him to death. Hanno continues to ask where Charlotte is and whether Jonas or Claudia took her. He says that he finally understands how Jonas betrays their friendship. Before he leaves, he curses Jonas with endless suffering.

Too late. Jonas has been there for a long time. Or is this falling out between best friends the true origin of the timeline split? They’ve been close for 18 years. I think that’s Jonas’ real time record. And their fireside chat showed that they really were very close.

Causality. Such a slippery concept on this show.

Hanno returns to Elisabeth, who looks like her soul has been ripped from her body. She’s fondling Charlotte’s tiny knit cap. He promises to find Charlotte and bring her back. A bit of resolve forms in Elisabeth’s eyes as he gets up to leave, but they both know their life together is over. He picks up the triquetra diary and puts it inside his coat, an offering to help smooth his way back into Adam’s lair after wishing him endless suffering.

Where is Charlotte? Mikkel? Ulrich? Mads?

Noah/Hanno does find Charlotte after some number of years in his life. We aren’t told how many, though he refers to it as a long time, during their first conversation in the clock shop. When he finds her in 2019, after reading the final pages of the triquetra diary, she’s 49 years old and has already been told by Stranger Jonas that Noah killed Yasin, Erik and Mads. That’s the true betrayal of the Jonas-Hanno friendship. Adam is no longer Hanno’s friend, so I don’t think it matters what he does to Adult Hanno/Noah. Hanno is just waiting for the chance to kill Adam.

It’s Stranger who drives Hanno’s long lost daughter from him by giving her out of context information that benefits Stranger and makes Noah seem like a terrible person who’s only motivated by his cult’s orders and his own sadism. That’s what we all thought about Noah in season 1.

Instead, Noah is a driven man, more like an addict who’ll do anything to get what he needs, which is something Stranger Jonas should understand. For a long time, Jonas mainly takes his pain out on himself and Martha. But even in his more benign forms, he’s coerced into participating in Michael’s death and Mikkel’s kidnapping, which ultimately lead to Ulrich’s confinement and Katharina’s death.

Adam coerces Hanno into becoming a demon just as surely as Claudia leads Jonas to his fate as Adam, heartless mass killer. Hanno can’t simply leave his daughter alone and abandoned in the world. He’s been trained since his mother died to be a caretaker and fixer. The murder of the boys is even mixed up with raising Helge and getting him back to 1954.

Meanwhile, Charlotte is displaced in time in before she’s even born in 2041, since Hanno was born in 1904 and Elisabeth was born in 2011. In addition to her kidnapping to a third time period, she and Elisabeth give birth to each other.

Alt Charlotte was born in 1971, the year HG Tannhaus tells Prime Teen Charlotte his original granddaughter was born. But Noah and Elisabeth still enter the bunker in the Alt world and Charlotte and Elisabeth are still shown giving birth to each other on the Alt world family tree. Is this a clue or a mistake?

If this is real, and isn’t changed within 48 hours of me posting this recap, then it perhaps fits with the theory I’ve had about Charlotte since sometime in S2- I think that when she’s kidnapped as an infant, 3 versions of her are swapped between 3 worlds, not just taken to another time in the same world. If the Charlotte who’s in the Alt world was born in 1971, then she could be the Charlotte either from Tannhaus’ world or Bartosz’s world. Alt Infant Charlotte would have been taken to the Prime world and Prime Infant Charlotte would have gone to the 3rd world.

The Adult Elisabeths and Charlottes (or someone else- we don’t know who ran Marek’s car off the road) would have done this round robin with the infants between the 3 (or 4) worlds to help create or strengthen a connection in time and space- an earlier, less binding version of the Unknown. I can’t explain every detail because of the bootstrap paradoxes involved in Charlotte’s family and HG’s family, but I suspect they are the same family, slightly altered between variations in timelines, time accidents and deliberate tampering.

HG Tannhaus: “A man can do what he wills, but he cannot will what he wills. All the paths we take in our lives, every choice we make, is guided by our deepest desires. It’s pointless to fight this sense of want. It determines every one of our actions, no matter how difficult and unimaginable they seem.”

This is a very different sentiment from the one expressed by Prime world HG Tannhaus, who’s said many times that he’s always wanted to travel, but circumstances have required him to stay in the present, running his clock shop.

3rd world, 1986, the bunker.

Tannhaus looks at the family photo on the wall and removes his lab coat. It’s time. He presses keys on a keyboard, fiddles with this and that, then decisively presses the 2 blood red buttons on the wall. The time machine fires up- literally. The center ball is coated in a thin layer of orange flames, with waves of electricity flowing up the arms, but the machine doesn’t seem to be out of control in any way. The music and other sound effects aren’t ominous either.

Prime world, 1911, Tannhaus factory.

Bartosz is in the courtyard working on a car when Hannah and her approximately 4 year old daughter approach, device/apparatus suitcase in hand. Bartosz, who already looks haunted, recognizes that this child is his wife, who’s been dead for about a year. Hannah asks for Jonas. Bartosz warns her that traveling has changed him, but still takes her to see Jonas in his lair.

Jonas is in a transitional stage between Stranger and Adam. He’s in Adam’s uniform and stands staring at the painting. But he still stands tall and straight. Adam will eventually sort of melt into rounded edges and a more socially presentable public persona. This man is still in the midst of the hottest part of the fire.

When he turns around, Hannah is momentarily shocked by the extreme facial scarring. In this time period, his face looks like a skull in ways that will soften later, maybe when he tires of punishing himself. Hannah recovers quickly and introduces his sister to him.

She’s clearly saddened by what she sees, but as a mother who wishes she could have helped spare her child this pain. She touches his cheek and explains that an old woman, Eva, came to her a few days ago and told her that Jonas needed her and where to find him. She promises to be there for him from now on.

Since Jonas doesn’t want to be spared pain, he’s not interested in her compassion and even finds it repulsive. He removes her hand from his cheek with enough menace that Hannah feels it. He finds himself repulsive and probably finds anything connected to him repulsive right now. He tells Igor Bartosz to take them to the bedroom.

Later that night, once it’s raining, Jonas sneaks into the bedroom. He goes to Silja first, but as he’s carefully folding down her covers, Hannah awakens and asks what he’s doing. He decides it’s Hannah’s turn first and sits on the edge of her bed, as we’ve seen Young Jonas do for sweet mother-son talks.

This is an entirely different situation. He tells Hannah that she and Silja aren’t right here and all of the pieces must be in the correct position. Hannah knows something isn’t right with him, but he’s got her lying down and blocked in. He gently touches her face, calls her Mom one last time, then pulls her pillow out from under her and smothers her to death.

She and Silja are both in white nightgowns. Women should refuse all white garments on this show. It never ends well.

When Jonas is done brutally murdering his mother, he turns to his baby sister and wakes her up, telling her has a secret to show her. He needs her to be quiet so they don’t wake her mom up. He carries her out so that she’s facing back toward Hannah’s body, staring at it the entire way to the door. Hannah very clearly isn’t asleep.

I can Only Salvage So Much from a Bad Situation, Okay?

So. That was sickening and exploitative. There is no good reason to include hints of pedophilia and for Jonas to brutally murder the mother he hasn’t seen in decades. Given the number of characters who commit heinous crimes, such as Helene, and are never caught, and the women who just disappear, such as Greta, there was no reason to bring Hannah back simply to kill her this way.

Though Tannhaus’ last voiceover certainly justifies indulging in any sexual or violent predilection you can come up with, regardless of the other person’s desires. Is that what this show is saying? Anything goes?

The message, if there ever was one, has gotten confused in these last few episodes, as if this show doesn’t know what it’s trying to say anymore. I’m tearing my hair out trying to continue some kind of coherent narrative through line that holds together through the final episode. I finally realized the only way to do it was to give up.

Maybe Claudia has taken the wheel and Hannah had to die out of revenge, because she allowed Ulrich and Katharina to think Regina had turned Ulrich in for rape. That’s a giant stretch though, to the point where I’m writing the show for the creators. And many innocent people who had little to do with Claudia or Regina have died horrible deaths.

I could play the mythology card, and say that Jonas is Hades, the god of the Underworld, who has been collecting young women as his Persephones. Hannah, as the Mother goddess/Demeter, came to look into the situation. Jonas sent her back to another realm, where she wouldn’t interfere with his plans. The myth is sometimes called The Rape of Persephone. In mythology, Demeter mostly wins, though they essentially end with joint custody of Persephone, creating the seasons. Demeter isn’t going to win here.

And there’s only one Persephone, whereas Jonas is collecting everyone’s children for his cult, but mostly girls. Adding a scene where he has a skull face, creeps on a small child in bed at night who’s dressed in white, then kills her mother when he’s caught and carries the little girl off, pretty much solidifies his symbolic nature as a pedophile. At least they only implied the pedophelia itself, rather than showing it.

But this finishes the assassination of both his character and Martha’s character. When we met Martha, she was was on a hunger strike to save starving children. Now she’s procuring women and girls for men who like to murder women and rape little girls?

Yes, the fairy-tale witch imagery has been there all season in Eva’s long black dress. I’d hoped they’d avoid actually going to the stereotype for old women, witches and the biblical Eve, even though they’re obsessed with stamping out original sin. I should have realized that getting rid of the “origin” would involve killing as many mother figures as possible, while turning over little girls to men as child brides.

Because it’s really all Jonas’ mother’s fault, right? She must have done something wrong to make him this way. She must love him too much or too little or embarrass him in front of the other boys. Otherwise he wouldn’t need to live in the basement forever and only have sex twice in his life.

This is an incredibly disappointing direction for this show to take, in so many ways. Beyond misogyny, the philosophy seems to be that people just can’t control themselves and there’s no point in trying.

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1920, Erna’s tavern.

Adult Hanno enters the bar, fresh from 2041. The crowd pauses for a moment when the stranger enters. He tells Erna that he’s come a long way and needs someplace to rest. She calls for Young Hanno and tells him to take their guest upstairs to a room.

Adult Hanno goes to see Adam in his lair. Adam has become the older version played by Dietrich Hollinderbäumer. Before Hanno can speak, Adam says that he’s been waiting for Hanno’s visit. He says that Hanno was right about Claudia all along. She was the one who stole Charlotte. Adam says that Hanno needs to find the missing pages from the triquetra diary, with the help of Helge. Then he’ll find Charlotte, his final destination and his Paradise. Adam hands Hanno a bible and says that this will be his last cycle. “Are you ready, Noah?”

Forward to 2052, the bunker.

Old Claudia gives instructions to Stranger Jonas. They’ve finally stabilized the dark matter/Cesium 137. She’s sending Stranger off to November 2019 to lead Young Jonas down the correct path. If he helps everyone he knows complete this cycle in the exact same way they’ve done all the other cycles, for sure change will occur this time.

I have to wonder what she’s been putting in his food for the last few decades.

She hands him Tannhaus’ book, A Journey Through Time and says that the author will repair the apparatus. Once the device is repaired, he can destroy the passage and the knot. It’ll work for sure this time.

Because doing everything exactly the same way always creates the change you’re looking for.

As he’s headed out the door, she tells him not to ever give up hope. Then she tears out the last few pages of the triquetra diary, sticks them in her coat pocket, and leaves.

Now for a brief recap of the series. Stranger goes to Winden in November 2019, when Mikkel and the other boys have gone missing. Noah experiments on the time machine chair, killing 3 boys in the process. Old Claudia gets Gretchen from 1953 and brings her Adult Claudia in 1986, to prove that time travel is real and that she’s really Adult Claudia’s older self.

Both Claudias will abandon Gretchen with Regina in order to pursue time travel and supposedly save Regina. It doesn’t occur to any Claudia, ever, to actually be a mother to her daughter, which is why I question her motives.

Claudia abandons the dog, the daughter, the lover and the father. She kills the daughter and the father and leaves the lover to die in the apocalypse. This is not a woman who will devote eternity or destroy worlds to save someone. This is an obsessed scientist who is devoted to solving a problem and needs an emotional flag to keep her motivated through the tough times.

The writers can retcon the character they created. That’s their prerogative and TV shows do it all the time. But this is the Claudia they created. She doesn’t move heaven and earth for Regina. She moves them for science.

Hey, remember that time that Bartosz decided to get in on the Back to the Future action, so he put on Christopher Lloyd’s duster and went to rescue Martha from getting killed by Adam? I know it was about 9k words and 110 years ago, but I promise you, that did happen. After 3 seasons of Claudia trying to save Regina and Jonas trying to save Prime Martha and Noah trying to save Charlotte and half of Winden trying to save Mikkel, and all of them failing, all the time, plucky little Alt Teen Bartosz jumped in and rescued Alt Teen Martha.

I knew I liked that kid, And his older self, too. In fact, I think he’s the chosen one on the 3rd planet that his Grandma is trying to take out of the system in her obsessive quest to ruin everything for everyone, everytime in everyway. That’s why this episode focused on Bartosz’s story and the story of his son, Hanno/Noah. We’ve already spent quite a bit of time on Bartosz’s granddaughter, Charlotte and her family, for 3 seasons. And Charlotte has known all along that she was important.

This episode is kind of its own little season, focusing on a third world/timeline that’s almost identical to the prime world/timeline, so we’ve switched between them throughout the episode. That’s my theory. Time is so mucked up that apparently even the writers can’t be bothered to sort it out anymore, so here we are. I can’t tell you when we were where, necessarily, just that we jumped around a lot without the normal markers telling us what world we were in.

Also, I think the HG Tannhaus time machine world, which I’ve been calling the 3rd world, is a 4th world, that’s not Bartosz’s world. As I said, Bartosz’s world is so close to Jonas’ and Eva’s that it blends with theirs, so it doesn’t get the widescreen black bars at the top and bottom that HG’s world does. HG’s world/timeline has some significant differences from the other 3, so it looks different on screen. That will be explored more in episode 8.

Okay, so. Our plucky boy hero, Alt Teen Bartosz, convinces Martha to leave Jonas in his house, so he can live in his mom’s basement forever like the loser he is. She goes back to Erit Lux with Bartosz instead.

One poof of awesome gold glitter later, and we’re there. Those paintings are still scorched and I’m sorry, I still can’t spoil how it happens. Truly annoying, I agree. The writing and editing for S3 are meant to f–k you over, but I doubt they meant for it to indecipherable rather than mind blowing. 3 episodes worth of teasing when the paintings burn? Really? And then all of the scorched painting scenes look so alike that it’s nearly impossible to put them in order, though I’m not sure why we would care enough to go back and try, when it’s all said and done. I know I don’t. Somebody didn’t think that one through.

Martha wonders why Bartosz brought her there. He tells her that the Marthas are the only ones who can save them, because they are the Light. Martha realizes she’s in the hands of an Erit Lux true believer, though she has no idea what that means.

You know what? I think it mostly means love. I think Old Claudia impersonated Eva when she brought Hannah to be murdered by Jonas. I’m going to singlehandedly exonerate Martha/Eva of this crime, for my own sanity’s sake, and go on with my life. Readers, you do you and believe whatever you want. I can’t work with a meaningless world. What would be the point? I know they’re going to continue with Eva pushing apocalypses and whatever, but I’m going to believe that she at least loves her little family of followers, even if she doesn’t show it, because I need Martha, or someone, to be a good person in order to continue writing.

And the madness continues, as Eva enters the room. Martha says something nasty to Eva and Eva says they’re more alike than she thinks. Then she gives her version of Adam’s patented “You’ll grow up to be just as bad as your parents” speech, before pulling out a dirty machete and swiping it across Teen Martha’s eye.

She tells Martha that she can’t tell all of the Marthas apart anymore unless they have festering wounds to go by. But Adam is the one who’s trying to kill her. The disfiguring wound is a reminder that things can always get worse. Choosing Jonas/Adam’s side means choosing death, while choosing Eva’s side, which is ultimately her own side, means choosing life.

This is strange reasoning for someone who’s main motivation is protecting her son- if Martha doesn’t choose Jonas sometimes, the Unknown is never born, because this is the version of Martha that brings him to the Alt world.

There’s really no way to spin what Eva’s says into something that makes much sense. They just wanted to squeeze in more mirroring of Adam/Jonas’ scenes.

I can put a meaningful spin on it, but I’m pretty sure this is coming from me, and not the show- in real life, the underlying reason for the slash would be to make Martha unattractive to creepy old men like the ones Jonas becomes. The road to women’s accomplishments is paved with women who fell by the wayside because they couldn’t take the sexual harassment, even rape, from their male colleagues anymore and were driven to quit the male dominated fields they worked in. And the women who got married and pregnant, giving up their careers.

By taking away Martha’s perfect features, she takes away her attractiveness as an innocent young woman to both Stranger and Adam. If they want her, they will have to deal with more than just Young Martha’s pretty face and apparently neither of them are ever inclined to do so. Adam collects other young women instead, until he finds a replacement Young Martha Eve to torture to death for tempting him into sin.

Yet God and Lucifer both still refuse to take him back.

Unfortunately, Martha/Eva didn’t realize Prime Claudia was also her enemy. As far as I can tell, Alt Claudia was actually working for/with Eva. Prime Claudia is the megalomaniac who took over the universe.

I suspect the creators just wanted to throw in one more senseless, sadistic action against a main character for shock value, plus they needed Martha/Eva to mirror Adam’s disfigurement, but sexism stops them from making her as scarred as Adam.

Time to take the Wayback Machine over to the end of episode 6. Adam has the other Alt Teen Martha dressed in the only rapey white slip he had left after 66 years of kidnapping and torturing women. He’s tied her to some Faye Wray scaffolding under the enhanced God particle. The God particle is turned up to 11 and it’s incredibly excited to finally be turned loose.

Martha’s yelling for mercy and Adam is excited to finally be getting somewhere in his life’s work. He’s pretty sure he’s never used an enhanced God particle to kill the love of his life and his own child inside the womb before. Surely this ultimate human sacrifice will do the trick and Time will finally be satisfied with him.

A portal opens up above Martha’s head. Then the God particle finally escapes its enslavement, mercifully taking Martha and her unborn child with it. Time has always had a fondness for her.

The cloud and the woman disappear. Jonas assumes they’re dead, because he has so few brain cells left.

I sincerely hope that Martha is in a world outside the Dark universe, with better writing and no white slips. Women actually die in the clothes we’re wearing- we don’t change our clothes when we find out murder is on the schedule, or keep a special victim dress on hand for the occasion. I f–king loathe the sight of those things. “Time to die or be abused, little girl. Here’s your pseudo-virgin gown to remind that you’re ultimately powerless.” Where is the corresponding male attire?

Jonas waits to disappear, too, but he doesn’t. He’s dumbfounded. Life is so unfair. Why does Martha get to die, but he doesn’t?

I wouldn’t mind if he eviscerated himself to see if it would stick.

A moment later, the door to the control room creaks open and his other nemesis, Old Claudia, who Noah killed on his orders almost a century ago in chronological time, walks in.

“Hello, Jonas.”

I’ll give her credit for knowing how to make an entrance.

Martha on her way to Oz- You can see Martha is getting transferred up into the cloud. The upper right part of the cloud shows a bright light and the opening to the next reality. 

Commentary

The God particle has literally never killed anyone on this show, much as Jonas has clearly tried to get it to kill him. The dark matter/Cesium 137/cloud/goo/cosmic egg transforms, it doesn’t just cease to exist. In fact, nothing in the universe ever just ceases to exist. Everything either transforms or transfers to a new location. That’s basic physics. In this case, there’s nothing left behind, so it goes somewhere else.

If Dark is following its own rules, then Time took Martha somewhere, probably to Bartosz’s world. It would make sense for this to be a way to create a new connection through time and space, maybe connecting the 3 worlds together. But we’re in the Endgame and the rules no longer apply.

If they ever did. It’s retcon time.

Next episode, we visit the Biff World of Claudia’s mind. Don’t look her directly in the eye and don’t take your hand off your valuables. Actually, that sojourn in the Old West 19th century was probably more fun than anyone realized at the time, even without antibiotics, since there was nothing Claudia or Biff wanted there.

Too bad Adult Bartosz wasn’t able to get the car he was fixing to fly- or was he???? Maybe there’s a world where instead of showing Hannah to her room, he grabbed her, Noah, Silja and Agnes and drove away as far and as fast as he could. Parts of early 20th century Northern Africa seem nice. Or maybe they took the God particle forward 50 years, then went to live in the south of France.

Wait. I just realized. Bartosz is in the Harry Potter world. He’s Mad Eye Moody! Constant Vigilance!

Kill the Origin or Find Another Timeline?

I bolded the first half of HG’s speech from the graveyard because it fits both his point of view and that of his protege, Jonas, who spends 66 years trying to go back to the origin point and bring back something that’s lost, whether it’s Mikkel or Martha. For HG, it’s Marek, Sonja and Baby Charlotte. But the second half of the speech is equally important:

“If our life is defined as everything between birth and death, it exists there, ad infinitum. Could we succeed in cheating death by finding a way to bring back life, there, between time?”

The episode takes its name from the bolded phrase, between time. The 3rd world is formally introduced in this episode. The 3rd world is the Time/Eternal Recurrence that is between the other two Times/Eternal Recurrences that we’ve been watching. What HG is really saying is, in this multiverse full of infinite possibilities, could he find another timeline where things worked out differently for his family? Could he jump to that timeline and live happily there? Or is he hoping to meld the two timelines- bring that Marek and Sonja home to this timeline? It’s not clear.

This is echoed in Stranger Jonas’ speech from S2Ep1, explaining that he is both infinite as part of the multiverse, but also finite as himself, the single soul known as Jonas:

“You could say that I exist infinitely. I’m here now. And I exist for every second between my birth and my death. I’m always Jonas. I’m the same as I was and yet not the same. Just as you’re not the same person who came through that door about an hour ago.”

No matter where or when he goes, what he does, or what he looks like, he’s still Jonas. At first, Hannah still wants the Jonas who left a few months ago, but she quickly accepts Stranger as her son, just as she accepted the proto Adam she met in this episode. In S2 Stranger was grateful for her acceptance, then, in a supreme act of hypocrisy, rejected her when he learned she’d cheated on his father one time before Michael’s death.

The next time they meet, in this episode, he murders her, either because she’s served her purpose in his plans or because she’s kind to him at a time when retaining his strength requires removing all human warmth from his life.

He is still Jonas, but he’s changed everything about himself, from his looks and dress to his demeanor to his home time period and way of thinking. He is no longer trying to save his loved ones. He is now trying to find the origin moment and destroy it. He’s redefined saving as destroying and convinced himself that saving himself saves everyone else. Maybe when he finds the origin moment and changes it, it will set both him and the God particle free from their enslavement. He is now enslaved to a life he can’t bear to live.

Gustav taught him a prophecy of a Paradise that was a dream filled with beauty and light, the Heaven or Ascension of so many religions. Jonas turned it into darkness as an absence of light, where he would remove the cancer that caused his pain (in the form of the God particle, which is the true knot) and kill the patient (himself) at the same time.

In his scenes with Hannah in this episode, Jonas’ true state is laid bare. During the time between 1890-1920, he is a 4th Jonas, Lord Death, with his facial scars meant to look like a skull.

In other words, maybe he’s made some sort of Ghost Rider deal with the God particle, but there are no flaming skulls involved. Just a pact to get out of this world together. That would explain the way they are bound. No one else seems to share quite the same relationship that he does with the God particle, Time and Death, not even Martha.

Martha, the Unknown and the God particle are his family. They all disappear at once and the other 3 versions of the Unknown presumably die in the nuclear meltdown. Unknown has time to save himself if he wants to, but he told us he was about to die. Anyway, after Jonas sent everyone else who was with him in 2053 to the past, it must be devastating for him to watch Martha and the God particle leave him behind and alive while they get raptured together.

He’s in a heartbroken, confused state when Claudia appears to tell him another story.

Images courtesy of Netflix.

Dark Season 3 Episode 7: Between the Time Recap- Hanno, Bartosz and HG Tannhaus move to the front of the house as gaps in the story are filled. #DarkNetflix In episode 6, the worlds ended, thanks to Adam's double apocalypse. In episode 7, we meet the new world.

[nexstage]

LIMBO SILVAM - PART 9 (1/3)

It was the void again, but this time it felt different. Like something was missing. Though, of course, something was because the light, the sound, air, and other elements were nonexistent; still, there was an emptiness that couldn't leave them alone no matter how hard they tried to ignore it.

 "Lapis?" Someone was calling her name "Lapis, wake up!" Why they sounded so distraught? "Lapis, please! Wake up! Don't leave me!" Wait, that voice...

 "Peri...? Peridot?" Her eyes opened slowly and she spot the tear-stained gaze of her love, her eyebrows furrowed and the whole body was trembling.

 "Thank stars you're awake!" Peridot's arms wrapped on her neck, she could hear some sniffs and feel the wetness of her tears.

 "Hey, Peri. Hey, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere" a blue hand caressed the yellow, triangular-shaped hair to comfort her. Her cerulean eyes wandered to every corner of whatever they were, but the problem was that only black surrounded them. Utter black and silence.

 If it weren't for Peridot's presence and voice, she would go crazy in that desolated dimension.

 "--rry" Peri's voice was a pitiful whisper, but she could hear a bit of what she said, and Lapis didn't like it.

 "Say it again" Lapis grabbed both her companion's shoulders and looked at her seriously "Say it and then tell me if you would've liked to see me acting this way"

 Peridot, despite her tears and self-hatred blinding her judgment, understood what Lapis meant. She knew, from many conversations both had before this mess, that the blue gem tended to fall to a depressive hole, believing everyone was better off without her, that her mistakes and past wrongs made her look like poison instead of a flawed person. But it wasn't true. Lapis WAS flawed, like Peridot, Steven, and the rest of her friends. Good and bad traits together which made them unique. Still...

 "Laz, this is different. I should've protected you better, I should've done more, I shouldn’t have gotten us lost when the plan was reaching the light at the peak! I... I ruined it all... How can you be so forgiving with me?"

 "Because it's not your fault" Peridot was going to protest but Lapis stopped her "No, I'm serious. Peri, even if our places had been inversed back then, things would have still been out of control. The shadows, the monster, the storm, our bodies deteriorating. We would've ended up the same"

 "Are you really trying to make me feel better? Because it's not working" the blue gem smiled at her bitter and angst-ridden love to whom she hugged tightly. Peridot melted at the touch and clung like a baby koala, calming down a bit.

 "I'm still sorry, Laz" the technician said morosely "We're dead because of me"

 Lapis didn't know what to say at that. They were surrounded by darkness, yes, but it didn't feel like death, not yet. Should she tell her that maybe they were in a sort of coma? Would that change something?

 "I was in this kind of darkness too" Lazuli decided to approach it slowly "Maybe we are in the same condition I was. Maybe what we need is to find a way to wake up"

 "But how? Back then, I was the one finding you unconscious and even I thought you'd never get out of it, but now we don't have anyone to find and protect us from those monsters"

 "Come on" slender, blue fingers caressed a wet cheek "Since when the powerful and lovable Peridot gives up? What happened with 'I think we can win. I think you can win'?"

 "It was slapped by reality, Lapis. That's what happened. Reality and being rubbed in your face that without powers there's no point in trying. Besides, why are you so encouraging? As far as I know, we might be dead already and this is how the Afterlife looks like"

 "Because certain cute and brave gem has shown me all this time that trying new things may seem scary, but it is worth it in the end" Peridot didn't respond but the frown of her face told Lapis that the little gem didn't agree at all.

 What were they going to do now? There were no options but to wait for a miracle and even that was useless because they were stuck in the middle of nothing, in a black dimension or whatever part of the Afterlife. What about their friends, their family, their lives in Little Homeworld? All gone.

 Lapis could feel the helplessness and self-loathing emanating from Peridot. She was pretty familiar with those feelings, though it was better if she felt them than her crush. Being so distraught by your self-hatred because of some mistakes or what fate had in store for you wasn't a good experience. It was something Lazuli could relate to with Peri, but she'd rather see her smiling and not giving up than this.

 She truly wanted for the mechanic to keep trying, to think on a plan or at least give a last chance to go home, but come to think of it, Lazuli considered it a bit selfish to push encouragement and comprehension to her comrade who was emotionally drained and needed a break of more planning that might go wrong. What Peri required more than anything was a silent company to ground her.

 Slowly, she approached and put her on her lap, hugging Peridot from behind while placing her chin on her yellow, triangular hair. The other protested a bit, not in the mood for some temporary comfort but the green gem was too tired to do something and groaned miserably.

 A long stretch of silence passed, both Crystal Gems submerged in their own thoughts, while nothingness and darkness remained the same. There was no up nor down, no light nor limits, nor sign of life or danger. 'This is how a sad ending must feel like' Peridot mused numbly 'A huge well where you can do whatever you want which ironically won't give you any satisfaction or change the outcome, just a temporary distraction that will leave you emptier than before while living with the fact that you didn't do enough. Just hopelessness and failure in front of you'

 Yeeesh, she was getting the depressing vibes that Lapis used to have, wasn't she? Though, with their situation being shitty as it was, using her big brain was a waste of time. But no, she doubted time was even allowed to exist in this sad void.

 'I can do whatever I want' Peri remembered suddenly from her last musings and an unexpected idea crossed her mind 'I can ask Lapis if she--' she shook her head trying to dismiss it. There was no way Laz would accept that, besides, even if she said yes, if they remained powerless, then it would be a wasted chance. And she wanted to do it in their home, not in an entirely black and silent dimension.

 'I can't put her through that' Peri reflected sadly 'Even if she trusts me, it will be asking too much from her, and because of me she's stuck here'

 "What are you thinking about, Dot?" Lapis' tender voice got her out of her internal debates, then the little gem stiffened with the idea of telling her companion the truth. "Is something wrong?" the blue gem placed her hand on a green chin so both could see each other. Peridot gulped, her mind and heart fighting for dominance about what to do: not saying anything or being honest.

 "Uuummmm... I don't know how to say this" she started and prayed internally to not screw this up too "I was... Well... You know, we don't have any idea of how to get out of this place, whatever it is, so... If for some reason we are going to be trapped here forever, maybe we should...try...something... You know, to pass the time... And I..." some tears of frustration gathered in the corner of her eyes and she rubbed them furiously "Forget it, it was stupid anyway"

 "No, it wasn't. Whatever it is, you can tell me" Lapis smiled at her kindly, Peridot debating with herself if there was a point to try "Come on, Dot. What is it?"

 "It's just a meaningless whim, that's all. Why should we embark on something like that? I mean, didn't you want to go home? Why haven't you told me to think on a new plan, encourage me or knock some sense into me? Why are you acting so calm instead of freaking out?"

 "I could lash out, blaming me or you, lose hope or keep trying on my own, but it wouldn't be fair to you. You are exhausted, frustrated, angry, confused. I know how that feels, so I decided to just be at your side in silence instead of overwhelming you"

 "Oh... Well, t-thanks, though it's not that I'm the only one with plans, yours was great too but... Anyway, don't you miss home?" Lapis hugged lovingly and in her subconscious, Peridot could understand what she was trying to say 'You're my home'. "You are too" the green gem mumbled while sniffing.

 "Laz, how do you think Steven and the others will find us? Will we be found poofed, cracked, both of them, maybe our bodies under layers and layers of snow, or...or shattered?"

 "Are you asking this in the slightest hope to not be in darkness anymore?" Peridot didn't say anything for some minutes until she nodded to which Lapis said "They will. Even if it takes them too much, they will. I mean, if they get stuck, Garnet will guide them. She has future vision, after all"

 "I wish I had that. That way we wouldn't be trapped here. But, even if they find us, what are the chances of wakening up? Maybe this is our new eternity now. No home, no friends, no meep morps. Just a big and round zero"

 Lapis was lost on what to do to help with her love's distress. The more they talked about the next course of action -if there was any-, the more somber was Peri's mood which broke her heart. Then she remembered something and hoped it didn't trigger another dark emotion on the little gem, "You know, I was imagining us visiting Pumpkin's tomb once we returned home. It was so difficult for both of us when she died"

 "I wish she was here too, Laz. I'd like to visit her with you" the blue gem caressed her cheek smoothly, Peridot leaning on the touch, before saying something else "I also wanted to cuddle with you in my hammock. Rest for a bit, relax, just the two of us"

 "I wish we were at home right now. I wanted so much to fuse with you" the little gem kept enjoying the caress on her cheek until she heard a gasp and saw Lapis' surprised eyes. Immediately, she covered her mouth with both hands, cursing herself mentally for having let out that without thinking.

 Lazuli was completely stiffened, barely processing what she'd heard while looking at Peridot as if she was seeing someone else. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! This was all wrong! She shouldn’t have said that! She should've kept her mouth shut! This was a bad idea!

 "I-I-I-I-I... Sorry!" Peridot ran while holding back tears. She glanced a still stunned Lapis for the last time before getting lost in the never-ending darkness.

 --------------------

 The blue Crystal Gem was a mess. No, her mind was the one being a mess, exactly. Confusion and dark memories she thought she had overcome time ago were getting the best of her as her whole body tensed when she remembered Peridot's words: I wanted so much to fuse with you.

 Peri wanted to fuse. Peri wanted to and had chosen her, Lapis Lazuli, to do that. She had hopes of returning home with her and then ask her if the blue gem wanted to fuse with her. And, by some twist of fate or accident, Peridot had confessed it and now she was gone.

 What was Lapis supposed to do with that information? Before the Gem War, fusion never crossed her mind, not only because of Homeworld laws but also for being unnecessary for her. Then, after being dragged to Earth by Jasper and Peridot, it became her worst misdeed along with her most savages urges of revenge when she unleashed all her anger and hatred on Jasper once they fused into Malachite.

 She hated it. She was disgusted by it as much as she was disgusted with herself. Jasper's cold words rang in her mind, reminding her why: You can't lie to me. I've seen what you're capable of. I thought I was a brute, but you, you're a monster.

 Lapis wasn't a warrior gem; however, she was powerful. She could steel the ocean and fight the Crystal Gems while her gem was cracked. She could take control of Malachite and hold both Jasper and herself prisoners in the ocean. She even sent her flying with a single water punch. She had so much power and ammo, and that was the problem.

 No, the problem was that Lapis was too violent. So much rage, hatred, and pain for being a prisoner 6000 thousand years pushed her to do the worst to someone she despised. But Peri, though, she wasn't Jasper nor she had any intention to force her to fuse. It was only a wish of hers. But Peri might get hurt, just like Jasper or worse. She might see how dangerous Lapis was and hate her. Fear her.

 The blue gem would rather die than risk her relationship with her companion just because of a wish, even if it was Peridot's. Guilt hit her hard for thinking that way. She was being selfish again. Peri had done so much for her, the least she could do was to give her what she wanted, but Lapis couldn't stand the fact of seeing someone so precious to her getting hurt if they fuse.

 What was she going to do? If she said she didn't want to fuse, Peridot would be sad and disappointed. And if Lapis said yes, there was a huge chance she might screw up and hurt Peri. She would never forgive herself if that happened.

 'Battling the Diamonds sounds easier now' Lapis lamented and covered her face, trying to think on a way to solve this problem. 'And back then, I felt safe because I knew Peri was there and we were facing them together'. Then it hit her. Of course! Why she didn't think about it? She just had to talk to her. Though it would be more difficult than when she apologized for abandoning the little gem.

 Whatever, the blue gem didn't have time to imagine how things might go. Peridot needed an answer, and she will give her one! "Peridot, look, I--" Lapis stopped after noticing her love's absence. Where the hell was she?!

 Her mind scrambled for an explanation and then she remembered how Peridot apologized, ashamed and scared, before running away. "Oh, stars! Peri!" In a snap, she got up from the invisible floor and went to search her companion, praying that she hasn't got too lost.

--------------------

 The former technician didn't know where she was. Well, technically, her answers were yes and no. As far as the green gem was concerned, she was stuck in a void-like dimension without hopes of going home. But she could also be in a coma, or in the Afterlife. So it was a yes and a no. Not that it mattered to her anyway.

 All Peridot planned to do that moment was lie on the floor and hope to be swallowed so she could forget her biggest fuck up. More tears of frustration fell from her eyes. This was the reason why she should've kept her wish locked in her mind. Because of it and her stupidity she had lost Lapis, the best that happened to her.

 The pain was unbearable. There were no friends to comfort her, no advice from Garnet to fix her mistake, no Temple or Little Homeworld, nothing to give her some solace from the loneliness. Everything she valued so much, gone. Only memories of it.

 'How could I be so stupid?! Laz was the only thing I have left! We were there for each other during this hellish journey and now she's gone! All because of my big mouth!' she yelled and punched the invisible ground hard. If there was a way to travel through time, the green Crystal Gem would take the chance without question so she could still be with Lapis. So she could at least enjoy her company in this miserable eternity.

 'I deserve this, though' she concluded sadly 'Lapis wouldn't be trapped in this place if it weren't for me. And still, she was so kind, didn't lash out, even if she had the right to. I wonder if she's looking for me...' Peridot snorted, bitterness in her features 'Who am I kidding? After saying what I said, it's obvious she'd rather forget I exist. Such ruler of the skies I've become. More like a butt, an idiotic and worthless butt'.

Without a single care in the world, the engineer started singing self-deprecating songs while laughing and crying at the same time. Time passed slowly, despite not feeling it at all, but then a voice interrupted her singing session much to her annoyance. "Ugh, not now, Lapis" she said, her mind too numb to register what was going on around her. 

Still, the other Crystal Gem didn't stop calling her name, and the more she tried to ignore it and keep wallowing in self-pity, the more insistent her companion became which made her snap. "I SAID NOT NOW, LAZULI!!!!" the green mechanic glared at Lapis who stopped but not for the glare but because of the huge relief she felt at finally finding Peri.

In a single movement, Lapis lifted her love in her arms and hugged her as if she was going to disappear if she let her go. "Thank stars you're ok, Peri! Don't do that again!" the blue gem held her close to her chest and that's when the other Crystal Gem got out of her funk, processing what had happened and looked at her companion confused.

 "Laz? W-Wait you're here? Why?" Lapis' relieved smile turned into a frown after hearing those questions. It sounded like Peridot doubted the idea of the blue gem trying to find her or wondering about her whereabouts. Like she didn't care at all.

 "What do you mean...? P-Peri, I was worried sick! I didn't know if I could find you or if you were ok. I even thought you got lost forever and that terrified me. What if something had happened and I wasn't there to protect you?"

 "But... But I thought you didn't want anything to do with me because... Because of--"

 "Because of you wanting to fuse with me?" Lapis answered for her and the pained expression on the green gem was enough for the other Crystal Gem to have her suspicions proven right. Slowly, she sat and invite Peridot to do the same in front of her. The former technician tensed greatly until a blue, gentle hand held hers to make the invitation friendlier, not more challenging, though Peri still prayed internally to not have to deal with this situation.

 "Do you want to start or should I?" Peridot shook her head in a silent plea to drop the subject, to change it, to be in silence only for Lapis to sigh. "Peridot, I don't want to force you to talk about this and I won't. Don't worry. But that doesn't mean we have to put it aside. If I had done that with the knowledge that I left you behind back then, would you have liked it?"

 "N-No... I wouldn't have" Lapis was going to continue, the green gem stopped her though "But still fusion is a sore spot for you! I-I mean, it's not that seeing some of our friends like Garnet, for example, makes you feel all uncomfortable and angry. Back then, in Homeworld, we saw Steven and the original Crystal Gems turn into Obsidian and it was great, but I know it's still...hard... I can't relate though. I've never fused with anyone, I even thought I was unable until I discovered I have ferrokinesis. But that was nothing compared to your experiences. What happened between you and...you know, Jasper... Even imagining it isn't enough. But the point is, I didn't want to put you through that, to remind you how it felt. I didn't want to hurt you"

 "Peri..." the blue gem caressed her love's cheek sweetly, moved by those words. Even with the pain and the stress, the mechanic was caring for her, thinking about her wellbeing "It's sweet of you doing that. Thanks. But now, let me do the same"

"Uh?" Peridot looked at her with a raised eyebrow and Lapis' smile for a bit bigger "Peridot, there are things that I cannot change. Many mistakes and misdeeds that I wish I could erase from my mind and my hands. Being fused with Jasper... Malachite... Those two are part of the list. I couldn’t stand being a prisoner, not after being trapped in a mirror for millennia. So I took the chance to unleash my rage and hatred on Jasper. I acted and became the worst when I was Malachite to the point of even missing those sensations. The lust of power, of control, to have my revenge. I liked it, I needed it, I hated it as much as I hated myself. I couldn’t stand fusion because It reminded me about what I had become. And when you said you wanted to fuse with me, I was shocked. Confused. And then I was scared. I didn't know what to do"

 "Did I make you feel like you were being forced?" Peridot's voice was small and afraid of having screwed up worse than she thought, but Lapis caressed her cheek again to ease her tension "No. You didn't force me, I was just surprised. The problem is that I don't know what is the right answer. And I don't want to hurt you either, Peri. Not after what I did to you when I left with the whole barn. You've done so much for me, you deserve to have your wishes come true. I don't know how though, and it's because of how I treated Jasper. If I said no, it would be to protect you from me, but you'd be sad to have your wish denied. But If I said yes, there might be the chance of you getting hurt and it would be my fault. I want you to be happy, Peri. But I want you safe too. And... And I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to do both"

 In a matter of seconds, two short, green arms wrapped around her neck, much to her surprise. She could hear some sniffs and a tear or two landed on her left shoulder. "You clod" Peridot said, barely keeping it together "Even with all that you did to Jasper, I would never see you as a threat. You are the best that happened to me. Really, the best. And you changed, Lapis. Sure you make mistakes and sometimes let your emotions get the best of you, but you're still great. You have come so far like me. You would never hurt me"

 "How do you know?" the blue gem couldn't believe what she was listening to. "Because I see it in your eyes. And yeah, it sounds cheesy and cliché as humans say, but I mean it! I truly do! Despite everything we put the other through, what we have has become something more beautiful and stronger than we could have imagined. So, whether you want to fuse or not, don't worry. As long as we're together, as long as you're at my side, it will be enough for me to be happy" Peridot tightened her hold on her companion before continuing "I'm j-just overjoyed that you don't hate me"

 "You silly" Lapis now was hugging her while crying "Why would I hate you? You're the best that happened to me too. Just because I'm not sure what to do concerning fusion, it doesn't mean that my feelings towards you are going to change. Peridot," Lazuli looked pulled away gently and looked at her seriously "I'm still unsure of what to do about your wish...and your safety too. To be honest, I don't trust myself. Not entirely when a subject like this comes to the picture. But, if you really want to fuse with me, I will do it then. For you. Let's give it a try"

 Peridot's mind was divided. A part of her was screaming in happiness because one of her wishes would come reality and it would be with her beloved. However, another part within her reminded the green gem about their powerless condition which prevented that wish to be fulfilled. "Thanks, Laz. You don't know how much that means to me... But, I, no, we can't. It's impossible"

 "What?" Saying that Lapis was shocked was an understatement after hearing that answer.

 "Laz, I don't know if you have forgotten but our powers are neutralized for some reason, and now that we're stuck here we cannot use them anymore. So, even if we try to fuse, nothing will happen. That was...another reason why I didn't want to tell you about my wish"

 "Oh" the blue gem facepalmed mentally for forgetting that simple but very important detail. She was so caught up reflecting about fusion, her mistakes, her relationship with Peridot and then trying to look for her love that she didn't think about the impossibility of fusing because of their condition. "I-I see... I'm sorry, Peri"

 "Hey, it's not your fault. Besides, you're here with me. We're together. I just hope you don't get bored with me as your only company"

 "Why would I? Peri, I've been alone a big part of my life and I even thought isolating myself would help me deal with the pain, but it didn't. Being with my family, my friends, with you especially, that's what helped me. You and I, there for each other, that's enough and I couldn't ask for anything else"

 Peridot smiled while a river of tears ran down her cheeks, she hugged Lapis again and savored the intimacy, the trust and love between them. Even with the rest of her lives in the void-like dimension, she knew deep down that with Lapis, that kind of end didn't sound so sad anymore.

 How much time did they spend like that, cuddled and hugging each other tightly? Both gems had no idea, though caring about that was out of question. Then, Lazuli got up from the floor and lent Peridot a hand who took it confusedly. "Is something wrong? Do you want to go somewhere else? Because there isn't so much to see if you have seen it"

 "No, Peri. It's not that. What if we dance for a while? Would you like to?" the green gem sighed sadly and was going to say what Lapis suspected but was interrupted "I know we cannot fuse, but I didn't ask you to dance so we can try on the impossible. I want to dance with you to pass the time. To enjoy it together. What do you say?"

 "Oh... Well, uuummm, I'm not that skilled in dancing, maybe I make a fool of myself"

 "It's ok, I can help you" A kind smile was enough for Peri to give in. Lapis right hand holding the engineer's left one, while the blue gem's left was in Peridot's right shoulder. Peri didn't know what to do with her right hand until Lapis instructed her to put it in her waist. With the position all set up, she moved to her right, her companion doing the same with her left foot; the same thing happened in the opposite direction.

 Minutes later, they were in a more synchronized and harmonic rhythm, Peridot finally leaving her tension and fear of feeling ridiculous behind to have some well-deserved fun with the person she loved most. Lapis' smile was bigger and shined marvelously at seeing her beloved enjoying the activity, relaxed and not full of self-hatred.

 Soon there were giggles that turned into laughs as the dance got more sophisticated. Both gems felt lighter, revitalized, energized by the other's company. This was more fulfilling than having her powers back, it felt like home seeing your significant one in front of you smiling.

 Peridot got more daring in the dance and gave Lapis a waltzes turn despite not being as tall as the blue gem, and in exchange, her companion did the same. Peri pecked her romantic partner's lips in an instant, smirking at the blushed face of Lazuli and put her in a deep dip. The other smiled amused and turned around with the green gem in her arms, dancing in circles elegantly.

 She'd never had so much fun, but then one of her feet made trip the other and she fell, back ready to collide with the invisible ground. Thankfully, Peri stopped her fall by grabbing her waist with both hands and all the strength she had which wasn't that much. Lapis looked at her surprised, the other gem blushed deeply trying to think on something to say, but her chance was taken by her love's laughter, so contagious that even Peridot snorted and erupted in giggles.

 It was liberating. The darkness, the silence, the harsh reality, their situation and everything they had lost, none of that mattered at that moment but the sheer joy of dancing with someone they loved. Moved by those sentiments, Lapis and Peridot pressed their foreheads to the other's and kissed like there was no tomorrow. Passion and love back together making them shine metaphorically and literally. Their whole bodies turning a blinding white, mixing together until becoming a big mass of light.

 'What is this?' It thought, confused and surprised 'Am I--?' But couldn't finish its sentence when a strong sense of longing hit it. Home. It wanted to go home. Family, friends, Little Homeworld, Steven, Pumpkin, all those words transformed into feelings, then into images that increased its brightness. It impulsed the being, like fuel for a rocket, to what it believed up was.

 Going fast or to the light's speed was an understatement, though the thing didn't care at all as long as it could find a way home, an exit from the desolated darkness. Without noticing, a tunnel made by light and shadows were taking shape in front of it.

 The being accelerated as it saw very far away bits of an opening. It looked like the sunlight going through the holes of a wall, that was enough for the thing to boost its energy. The end of the tunnel got closer and closer, the hole becoming clearer while letting more sunlight illuminate the path until it consumed everything.

 Then...

 "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" that was the only thing heard in the highest part of the highlands, coming from a mass of light which crashed on the top of a huge snow-covered, rocky pilar. In an instant, two figures emerged from the snow, spitting and coughing. Peridot rubbed her eyes and froze at the incredible change of scenery.

 There wasn't darkness or silence anymore. High hills and rocky columns were gathered in front of the majestic mountain whose peak they were trying to reach. "L-Lapis--" she was going to inform her romantic partner about her discovery until she saw the aghast gaze of the blue gem.

 "We escaped..." Lazuli's shocked whisper was a total contradiction with her expression, unable to believe that she and Peridot had gotten out of the darkness they had labeled as their end of the journey. The green gem launched at her with a hug crying of relief. Hope revived in a snap.

 Her blue companion took a bit to reciprocate the feeling but when she did, it was as fervent as Peri's. The svelte Crystal Gem spooned her love while jumping in circles, her giggles a mix of shock and faith she thought she had lost. "We're free, Peri! We're free! Free!" the other nodded endlessly, feeling like she could take on everything and everyone at once.

 "I don't care if I was proven wrong of being trapped there forever! We have another chance! We can still go back home!" Peridot pointed like an excited child to the top of the mountain. Its crevice spilling light in the form of a pilar.

 "We are so clo-- Aaaaggghhh!!!" Lapis fell to her knees much to Peri's concern. The tear-shaped gemstone felt like a giant battery, hot to the touch and sending deep-cutting volts to her whole body. Peridot's horrified gasped made her look at herself and Lapis didn't like what she saw.

[yukipri]

So I’m back from the dead (literally). A Goodbye Message.

Hey there. Some of you may remember me.

Some of you may have wondered why I suddenly stopped posting, but the vast majority of you probably didn’t even notice, as is how it is. ^ ^;

I’m finally back, and it wasn’t an easy journey getting back.

Here’s what happened.

(Slightly long post, but please forgive me for not putting it under a cut, it’s sorta important)

On November 19th, I checked my blog as I always do, to learn that my blog was terminated.

No warning, no reason, suddenly BOOM gone. I’ve had this blog since spring 2012. It’s almost entirely sfw, I’ve always been hyper careful with tagging, and any questionable content has always been hosted on other platforms. Yet for some reason, I was one of many blogs caught up in what’s come to be known as the #TumblrPurge.

I followed all the steps. I emailed staff, first desperately, then more rationally, making my case. I figured that a bot had caught my blog, as I knew plenty of other more suspicious content blogs that were unharmed. At first there was hope, it’s just a glitch, it’s happening to a lot of people, they’ll give it back right away, some people have already gotten theirs back!

Nothing.

My methods of contacting followers were limited to my Patreon and Twitter, neither of which has much of a base. Followers who knew me on there were incredibly kind and supportive, and sometimes even reached out to staff on my behalf.

I didn’t want to spam, but I also was desperate. I emailed staff once a week. I tried using different categories. I tried adding attachments. My messages ranged from simple and succinct, to deeply personal and desperate.

I was honestly devastated. I spiraled into the worst depression I’ve ever been in. I could barely eat and vomited nonstop for a week. I gained 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I was completely out of control mentally, and even reached out to a psychiatrist friend in case I couldn’t handle it myself. I couldn’t draw, and thinking about projects that I once loved only hurt me more.

Talk about social media addiction, but I’ve legit never gone longer than a week without posting something for years, and especially since becoming a content creator, it felt sickening to not have the place where I drove myself to post constantly and consistently. It broke my schedule. It made me feel cut off from the world, and I felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I lost so many things with this blog. Yes, I was primarily a content creator, and while of course I had backups of all my art and some of my longer text posts, I lost so much more.

I lost, perhaps most importantly, all my interactions with my followers. I lost connections to so many people, people I hadn’t contacted in years and may not have even been active anymore, but who I always believed I would have this route back to. I lost memories, both online and of my personal life that I had recorded on here.

And as someone who unfortunately put so much of my identity and self-validation on my social media experience, I suddenly felt like I was absolutely nothing.

For the longest time, I thought I was su*cidal as a result of my depression (word bleeped out bc who knows what can get you flagged now). I certainly thought about death and dying daily.

But then, I realized what I was feeling wasn’t quite that. I didn’t feel like I wanted to die.

I felt like I was already dead.

Which, may sound like an exaggeration, but in terms of tumblr at least, it’s exactly the same. If I had died in rl, I would have dropped off the map, just like this. Suddenly stopped posting, no warning in advance. My blog may have existed, but in this case, no record of my existence even remained. To people who came looking for my url, I may as well have been dead. You wouldn’t have known any better.

Or who knows, maybe I was a criminal or had done something awful that resulted in my blog being removed. Maybe I had just had it with this site and had chosen to leave. Maybe I was just taking a much needed break. It would have been odd, since I prioritized communicating and always said when I needed a break, which was rarely ever. But either way, I had no way of telling any of you what had happened to me. My voice was gone.

Feeling like I was dead, after I recognized what I was feeling, was...disturbing, I guess. Kinda explained why I always felt like a corpse though.

(of course, feeling like I was dead contributed to thinking other things like maybe it’d be better if I really wasn’t around at all, but that’s a result, and not the main feeling.)

Anyway, I kept emailing staff, and I finally managed to come back. It took ten emails and over 2 months of waiting and wasting away and trying to come to terms with how I’m unlikely to get it back. I didn’t get my blog back until TODAY.

Now that I have come back, the landscape’s changed, as I had heard it had. They hadn’t even announced the adu*t content policy change when they terminated me. I honestly feel like I’m back in a world that’s moved on without me, and it’s made me feel very strongly how insignificant I was in the first place.

During my time being dead, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do. I regretted not doing my 25K follower giveaway sooner. I regretted not getting this or that content out. I regretted having kept certain long text posts and ask responses in my drafts yet unpublished.

But more than anything, I regretted not being able to say goodbye, and thank you all for my time here.

Yes, it’s had ups and downs, but tumblr was where I first found myself as an artist. Tumblr was what first made me interact with and find a group of people interested in what I created. Tumblr was where I was able to interact with those people, you. And I know I’ve had my ups and downs too, and different fandoms and different moods, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your experience here, however big or small that experience may have been.

I also learned the dangers of immersing myself too deeply on one online platform. So much of myself had been poured into this one blog, this one blog that can disappear with a legit snap of staff’s fingers. (my twitter handle was “Got Thanos’d on Tumblr” for a good month lol) I used to think that’s what made my content valuable, that I poured so much love and thought and everything personal into it, that’s what made it special, but in the end oh so very damaging when it was ripped away. As someone who spent almost all my time online creating content, it was an awful reality pill I had to swallow, and I don’t want ANYONE experiencing the same thing I did.

So please. The takeaway here, if I can be a cautionary tale, is to be aware that an online identity is more unstable than you think it is. It can go POOF. I’m lucky to be here, and that staff finally responded, and that I had the masochism to continue emailing staff weekly no matter how much I felt like I should stop breathing afterwards.

Also, please, if you have people on this site you care about, whether it be a friend or someone you think is neat, anyone you will miss if they suddenly disappeared, please go connect with them in other places beyond this site, which may become increasingly unstable. This can be another social media if they have it, an email, a chatting platform, anything. Even if you personally don’t use it yet, create an account so you can find them when you can no longer access your account, or they can’t access theirs and they can find you. Don’t regret it like I did.

As for me, after all of this, I don’t know if I can post content on here again.

I’d gone well beyond hoping for another chance at this community. All I’ve been thinking about these past two months was how I would have wanted to say goodbye.

Now that I have my account back, I’m currently filled with more numbness and bitterness than any joy or relief. I don’t know if I can create content anymore for a platform that has hurt me so deeply, no matter how much its community means to me. This experience changed me, and I’ve taken damage that isn’t going to go away so easily.

As I think about what to do moving forward, for now, you can find me on my accounts that I WAS active on these past two months. They aren’t the same, but they were all I had.

If you read this message until the end, thank you.

Again, I might decide to post on here again. I might not. But for now, here’s again what I’ve been wanting to say for two months:

Thank you, Tumblr. And goodbye.

-Kazu

(yukipri.tumblr.com)

https://twitter.com/YukiPri_Art

https://www.patreon.com/YukiPri

[sadfanwithaplan]

BTS sees their dream s/o IRL

this is a continuation (PART 2) to this reaction BTS reacts to you just being a dream hope you have a good day//night

NAMJOON

Some time would pass after that dream. His stage of denial of reality would be difficult for him, was anything real? We’re the boys real? Would he wake up and realize that it was all just a dream and he’d be a trainee again? After some time of being confused and his mental state being blurred the boys would beg him to get rest. And that’s what he’d do. He figured a trip by himself away from the city that reminded him most of you would be best for him. Once he’d arrive everything would go slowly. That was until the second day of sight seeing he saw a familiar figure pass by him on their phone. Would this be his head playing tricks on him again? He’d freak out, he just wants to live again. But he’d regardless follow you just to make sure that others could see you too. After some following he’d come to a conclusion that you were real, I think his next step would to be to talk to you, see how exact you are to his dream. He would take said dream as a warning, he’d know better on what to do, on what not to do, how to treat you, how not to, he’d get a second chance with you and it’d be perfect.

HOSEOK

After his dream of you, I see him still craving for you back. He’d sort of wish that every time he’d go to sleep he’d see you again, right next to him telling him it was all a nightmare. That you were reality, permanent in the material world and not just a ghost from his mind. But every morning he’d see that wasn’t true. I think he’d go out one late night and just walk. He’d be scared to go through the same heart break over and over again so he’d just walk. I see him sort of looking at his feet kicking random rocks not paying attention to his surroundings when he’d bump into someone. He’d look up and it was you. He’d get so excited he’d act without thinking and just hug you. He’d finally let you go and he would apologize over and over again. But now that he knew you were real, that you were here at that moment he’d do anything to make sure you wouldn’t leave anymore. He would almost beg for your contact information and apologize for being kinda creepy.

JIMIN

Jimin would take some time not knowing what to do. You weren’t real and there was somebody who’s name he couldn’t even remember clearly claiming that he’s their boyfriend. I’m sure Jimin wouldn’t sleep, not because he didn’t want to but because he just couldn’t.  He couldn’t just process that you were invented by him, you seemed so realistic, so flawed yet so perfect. Once he’d be somewhat comfortable with reality, he’d just start to come to terms that you were a dream, that the person next to him everyday was his s/o not you. Then it would happen, his  partner would invite a bunch of Jimin’s friends to throw a surprise birthday party for him. He’d be shocked once he got home tired from practiced to see everyone pop out at him. He would be even more shocked when he saw you. That’s when he found out you had mutual friends and everything just seemed to bloom for him, the thoughts of someone like you never have existing just a lie. You were just feet away from him, at his home, he was able to hear your laughing, voice, and just feel your presence that he hadn’t sensed for such a long time. He’d find an excuse, make one up, to get you alone.  When he’s successful he finds out you were exactly like before. He’d find himself laughing over everything you’d say and as the night went away he’d sort of become terrified that it was all a dream. He’d fall asleep, wake up and then poof, you’re gone. When the sun rises for the next day he sees you’re both so tired so he does the best he can do. He kisses you, passionately.  Like a kiss that lovers give each other before a long voyage away from each other. If you were just a dream again, then he’d at least know what you tasted like for one more time. But if you were real he’d have a topic to talk about.

[tigerlover16-uk]

Zeno has became rather controversial in this arc. so what is your opinion on him?

Honestly… I’m not completely sure what to make of him anymore.

I mean, I liked him at first. He had a neat design, he was simultaneously kind of adorable and yet creepy, and his interactions with Goku are interesting. As of this arc… I don’t know.

I mean, he presents a different kind of conflict I suppose. The guy is literally the top God of the multiverse and he could wipe out anyone just by raising his hand. There’s no punching this guy into submission to save the day, with him deciding to blow up any of the universes that don’t meet the standards that have been set for them everyone’s basically stuck, since none of the God’s feel like there’s much hope in reasoning with him.

It does raise a lot of questions, and leaves me curious about how the heck the Z fighters are going to make it out of this while saving the other universes aswell. Because there’s no way they’re not going to at least try to wish them back. Why have the super dragon balls involved if that’s not the case. I’m really curious to see where they go from there and how they manage to get the Zeno’s to agree to spare the universes afterwards.

I think it’s a good idea for the series to experiment with different kinds of antagonists, apart from straight up bad guys you have to punch and shoot with lazer beams and boom, the day is saved. Variety in the big threats is good and keeps things from getting too formulaic. The whole tournament is a bunch of heroes, a couple of rogues and a tiny handful of villains (Frost, Frieza) and just regular warriors who want to go about their business being thrown into a fighting ring and forced to fight for survival all because God is a careless child who doesn’t seem to put much value in the concept of life. That is pretty interesting as a concept, it’s suitably original for Dragon Ball at least.

When I think about it, Zen’o really is the most terrifying character in the entire franchise, just for how dangerous he is and how kind of messed up it is that someone with his mindset, a child who flicks planets into one another like marbles when he’s bored, is the king of the multiverse. Contrasted with a lot of his genuinely cute and childish mannerisms, and it just makes him all the more disturbing.

At the same time, I don’t really think he’s been used to his full potential yet. We had a slow burn build up to him and what kind of a threat he could pose from his introduction, through the Future Trunks saga, to the start of the universe survival saga. It worked pretty well, but for most of this saga he’s just been kind of in the background with the focus mostly being on the main cast and some of the other universe characters preparing for the tournament.

We see glimpses of him and Future Zen’o now and again, but we never spend a ton of time with the two on their own, I think there was only one episode where we got significant screentime with them and the Grand Priest before the tournament, and that was mostly about giving us glimpses into the various universes.

We don’t really get much into either of their mindsets, why they want to destroy the universes other than the idea that they’ve been wanting to do it for a while since most of them have fallen short on expectations. And honestly, other than just being the rulers of the pantheons of Deities I still don’t know what their actual duties include, especially since the Grand Priest comes off as more the one who actually gets things done.

They just seem weirdly detached from everything. Even Goku, who present Zen’o considers a friend, but he didn’t show much reaction when he was possibly killed, just some general interest in the stuff he and at times his son are doing in the tournament.

Which, alright, that all gives the sense that they, and probably the angels too, have a very alien mindset and don’t have a similar view of morality as we mortals do. That could be interesting, and is kind of appropriate for higher being type of characters. 

But thus far, nothing much has really been done with it other than Zen’o just generally being presented as a loose cannon who Goku or any character could unwittingly set off at any minute if they’re not careful, but that doesn’t really happen until the current saga.

The two of them have just been sitting around for the whole tournament going “Whooooaa!“ and generally acting like small children. Sometimes it’s cute, at times their dialogue gets really repetitive and can be annoying. Maybe that’s partly the point, and sometimes they can actually be charming, but it doesn’t always work and can come off as padding when they’re just stating the obvious.

I don’t even know what we’re supposed to think of them based on how the Zen’os are presented. On one hand, the fact that some careless children with no apparent value for the sanctity of life and the power to destroy all of reality are the gods of everything is terrifying, and I haven’t seen anything to really prove that the multiverse wouldn’t be better off without them. Maybe they’re supposed to be villains, but yet Toriyama did set up the whole friendship between Zen’o and Goku and depicted him initially as really just wanting a friend, which was treated as a really sweet moment when he was introduced to his future counterpart.

So… are we supposed to hope that Goku can somehow reform the two through his interactions and friendship with them, teach them the value of mortals and they’ll go on to be better, less destructive rulers? That could be interesting, and kind of fits for this franchise, but we haven’t really seen any sign that that’s the end game. The two have just been there hovering above everything, and Goku hasn’t had much interaction with them for a while.

Are they going to do a plot at some point where everyone rebels against the Zen’os and the Grand Priest? That could also be interesting, I guess, and would give us an interesting conflict about how the heck do you defeat someone who can just raise his hand and poof, you’re gone? But again, no real indication that’s where this is going.

So far, they really just feel like they existed to get the plot rolling here. I’m sure we’ll see where this is all going at the end of the tournament, but for now I really don’t know what to think.

They’ve committed some abominable acts, so I could see them being treated as villains. How exactly you would redeem them is a good question. Extreme Blue and Orange morality applies, so you can’t exactly judge them by the same standards you would a normal person, especially since they’re just children that didn’t know better and of course the stuff they pulled is going to happen if you give all the power in the universe to some small children and tell them they have to run everything, perhaps? Is that anywhere near good enough, even if the damage they did gets reversed and they do a better job going forward?

Or maybe they’ll just go with the whole Grand Priest being the real villain thing. I don’t know anymore.

There’s a lot to unpack about Zen’o, yet all of it just makes me confused about how I’m supposed to feel about him. I think the reason he’s so controversial is because the series, possibly deliberately, doesn’t seem to want to tell us what the heck we’re supposed to view him as and just leaves his actions and role rather ambiguous outside of the fact he’s really dangerous.

I’m reserving a lot of my judgement until I see how the current arc ends and what Zen’os role is going to be going forward, and we have a better idea of what we’re supposed to view him as. A villain, a neutral but deadly force, something else? Right now he just feels like a walking plot device, and depending on how things are executed going forward he could either be an interesting character in the long run, or just a waste.