#i-seek-but-one-thing

[crimeronan]

with the pain scale poll making the rounds on chronic illness tumblr, i DO want to add the caveat that you Generally Should Not use that scale with unfamiliar doctors.

like, if you gotta go to urgent care or the ER for something related to your illness. Do Not Use A Reasonable Scale.

on the scale i wrote, a 5 (exact middle of the scale) means, "i am actually crippled from this pain and unable to live my life normally, BUT i retained the ability to drive here and walk inside unassisted."

PEOPLE WITHOUT CHRONIC ILLNESS REPORT THAT AS A 10.

for the majority of people without chronic pain, ANY pain that's significant enough to go to urgent care counts as a 10. i've been reliably told by EMTs and paramedics and nurses that they often get answers of "11" or "700" when asked to rate between 1 and 10.

when a doctor hears you say 5, they think, "ah, so this pain is mild and not distressing. it's just a little annoying." ie: about a 2 on the scale i wrote.

always, always, ALWAYS up your estimate by 3 or 4 points when you're interacting with a new doc. you MUST communicate, "this is urgent and needs urgent attention."

assume everyone else gives a 10 when they've badly pulled a muscle in their lower back. adjust your estimate around that.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[inkskinned]

the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.

capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.

now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.

and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.

and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.

and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".

it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"

[booasaur]

Renegade Nell (2024) - 1x06

[oneofgodsowncreations]

sчrєnα cσuldn't- shє cσuldn't sαч nσ. shє cσuldn't αccєpt, вut shє cσuldn't sαч nσ- nσt αgαín. nσt whєn thє fírst tímє hαd вєєn sσ hαrd. αs hє вrєαthєd hís 'plєαsє,' shє fєlt hєr вrєαth cαtch ín hєr thrσαt, wσndєríng fσr α mσmєnt whαt hє míght sαч-

σnlч tσ hαvє hєr hσpєs dαshєd líkє wαvєs slαmmíng íntσ α rσck whєn hє sαíd ít wαs nσt tσ thínk σf hím.

trulч, shє hαd líєd. αn hσnєst mєrmαíd shє wαs, вut nσt ín thαt mσmєnt. чєs, ít wαs tσ rєmínd hєr σf hím. вut ít wαs αlsσ tσ grσw clσsєr tσ thє gσd shє míssєd αs wєll. churchєs shє hαd fσund σffєrєd líttlє tσ nσ truє knσwlєdgє, αnd єvєn fєwєr wєrє wíllíng tσ tєαch α wσmαn. sσmє hαd purє hєαrts αnd díd nσt wísh tσ tєαch hєr αlσnє- shє cσuld sєnsє thєír purítч. σthєr plαcєs wєrє sσ fíllєd wíth thє stєnch σf líєs shє knєw thєч hαrdlч lívєd thє fαíth thєч clαímєd tσ cαll thєír σwn. stíll σthєrs wαntєd tσ tєαch hєr, вut fσr αll thє wrσng rєαsσns- wαntíng tσ вє αlσnє wíth hєr whєn thєч knєw thєч shσuld nσt. hєr sσul αchєd tσ cσnnєct wíth thís gσd thє wαч phíllíp hαd σncє tαught hєr. shє hαd mαnαgєd σn hєr σwn, вut shє wαntєd tσ lєαrn mσrє, tσ knσw mσrє, αnd thє αnswєr lαч ín hєr hαnds вut ít wαs nσt αn αnswєr shє cσuld kєєp.

hєαrt tσrn, shє rєlєαsєd ít tσ phíllíp. "í lívє ín thє wαtєr, rєmєmвєr?" shє sαíd quíєtlч. "ít wσuld σnlч gєt dєstrσчєd." α stupíd, stupíd thíng tσ sαч, síncє shє wαs σnlч just lσσkíng αt ít fσr hєrsєlf αnчwαч. вut shє hαrdlч cσuld fσrcє mσrє wσrds σut σf hєr mσuth.

shє fσrcєd hєrsєlf tσ nσt sєnsє hís єmσtíσns, tσ nσt trч tσ rєαd hís hєαrtвєαt. shє cσuldn't вєαr tσ trulч rєαlízє shє hαd вєcσmє nσthíng tσ hím.

sчrєnα nєvєr gσt thє chσícє.

thє wσmαn, thє ríghtful σwnєr σf thє flσwєrs αnd chσcσlαtє. shє wαs hєrє. thєrє. ríght thєrє. ríght ... thєrє. sчrєnα rєmαínєd cσrdíαl, plєαsαnt, dєtαchєd, αs shє shσuld. ít hαd вєєn fαr tσσ lσng tσ gívє plαcє tσ thє αchєs, snαps, αnd вrєαks hєr hєαrt wαs fєєlíng. shє hαd nєvєr єхpєríєncєd such α vívíd rush σf pαín- nσt síncє shє fєαrєd phíllíp wσuld díє ín frσnt σf hєr αt вlαckвєαrd's hαnds αnd σh!

thє αchє σf hєr sσul єruptєd αnd shє fσund hєrsєlf αt thє fєєt σf hєr lσrd αs shє prαчєd dєspєrαtєlч thє pαín díd nσt shσw ín hєr єчєs. shє hєαrd sσmєthíng αвσut 'mєrmαíds αrє scαrч' αnd ít tσσk αll σf hєr sєlf cσntrσl nσt tσ smílє líkє hєr sístєrs αnd rєvєαl hєr shαrp, jαggєd, pσíntєd fαngs- αn αвsσlutєlч wrσng dєcísíσn, вut σh sσ dєlícíσuslч tєmptíng ín thє mσmєnt. cαndч wαs shσvєd íntσ hєr hαnds. shє hєαrd thє wσmαn's-rαchєl's- musícαl lαughtєr αs thє pαír trαípsєd αwαч. αs sσσn αs thєч turnєd αwαч, shє wαs gσnє.

vαníshíng wíth spєєd knσwn σnlч tσ hєr kínd. dαч turnєd tσ níght. thє вєαch. pєαcє. sσlícє. thє stαrs. ít wαs αll shє nєєdєd.

вut thєn, shє hєαrd hís vσícє. hєr nαmє. hєr hєαd whíppєd αrσund, thє mσσnlíght cαtchíng hєr єчєs, hєr lσng trєssєs gєntlч dαncíng ín thє wínd. shє wαntєd tσ вє sαssч, shє wαntєd tσ snαp αt hím. 'ít ís thє вєαch. σf cσursє í wσuld вє hєrє,' shє wαntєd tσ sαч. вut shє díd nσt. shє wαs grαtєful mєrmαíds wєrє tσσ tσugh fσr tєαrs σf sσrrσw- σthєrwísє shє wσuld hαvє вєєn cαught rєd fαcєd, wíth shíníng strєαks rαcíng dσwn hєr chєєks. αn αвsσlutє єmвαrαssmєnt αftєr αll thís tímє, вut hαd thє єmσtíσns, hαd thє αttαchmєnt єvєr rєαllч fαdєd αwαч? nσ.

shє hαd вєєn cαllєd αwαч σn fαmílч вusínєss, unαвlє tσ єхplαín, unαвlє tσ cσmє вαck- unαвlє tσ lσvє thє σnlч σnє hєr hєαrt trulч chєríshєd.

"í αm lєαvíng," shє chσkєd σut, hσpíng shє díd nσt sσund αs dístrαught αs shє fєlt. "í wísh чσu єvєrч hαppínєss, phílíp." shє sαíd ít kíndlч, αnd shє mєαnt ít. hєr єчєs prσvєd gєnuínє. "í wαnt чσu tσ hαvє єvєrч hαppínєss. íf shє ís whαt ís вєst fσr чσu, í wísh чσu wєll."

вut íf shє ís nσt... hєr hєαrt críєd, í stíll wαnt tσ вє.

Philip frowned when she declined his gift -- the only thing that was easy to give her -- and he tried to gently hold it out to her. "I insist, Syrena. God knows I need only one. This is meant to be shared with another anyway." He tried to force out a laugh, a small chuckle, anything to lighten the weight in his heart. This wasn't the reunion he ever envisioned.

"Please." He didn't mean to sound like a drowning man begging for air. "Don't... don't think of me, for this isn't mine. This is God's Word. So think of Him and... and how His plans are better than ours." The words were like stale bread in his mouth -- it was no longer easy for him to swallow; he was reluctant to believe it.

God gives and He takes away. Syrena was removed from his life, and despite all his efforts, she was not given back to him. It was Rachel who took her place. And that's who he should be returning to.

So why was he still struggling to part with her?

Why was she back in his life now?

If he was to say goodbye, he might as well have the decency to make eye contact with her. He knew he would see sadness there, but he didn't anticipate how much it would pierce him. He never wanted to see her hurt. He did so once, twice... now a third time. And this time, a deeper pain, no doubt.

Philip breathed slowly, steadying his feelings. "It was lovely to see you again, Syrena." He tried to keep his voice casual, friendly. "I wish I could say more to you. But --"

"Philip? There you are!"

Philip's eyes widened and he immediately forced a wide smile when Rachel came up to him, hooking her hands around his arm and pulling him to her. "Rachel!" he greeted. "I'm sorry, I --" He glanced at Syrena, panic in his eyes.

"I was wondering what was taking you a while. I'm sorry I couldn't wait no longer." She laughed, then looked at Syrena as well, her smile faltering slightly. "Who's this?"

Philip forced himself to meet Syrena's eyes -- forced himself to see the pain he was inflicting deepen. "This is Syrena," he said. "She's... she was an old friend. From one of my missions trips." It wasn't technically a lie; he couldn't lie.

"Oh, what a lovely name!" Rachel held out her hand to shake Syrena's. "Almost reminds me of mermaids. But I never liked them though, they scare me." She smiled almost sheepishly.

Philip raised his eyebrows in surprise. This was honestly his first time hearing it. He hoped Syrena didn't think he did this on purpose -- or maybe it didn't matter. She had every right to hate him right now.

"Anyways, it was lovely to meet you!" Rachel continued before pulling Philip away. Then she noticed the flowers and chocolates in his arms. "Oh -- I'm actually not in the mood for chocolate right now. I'm sorry I yelled at you about them earlier. There's actually something else I wanted to try, if you can get it for me?" She glanced back at Syrena. "Perhaps we can give these to her!"

Before Philip could say anything, Rachel took the pouch of candies and handed them out to Syrena. "They're really good, you'll love them!" She smiled just as sweetly before returning to Philip's arm.

Philip took one last glance at Syrena before turning away. He would understand if she could never forgive him after this encounter. Was this God telling her to let go of him this time?

As if to answer his question, Rachel tiptoed to kiss Philip on the cheek. "You're so sweet," she said, taking the flowers from his hand as they continued their way through the market.

--

Philip's mind was elsewhere for the rest of the day -- which made him more willing to buy Rachel whatever she wanted. It kept her from asking too many questions about Syrena. Philip had rarely mentioned her throughout their relationship, wanting to put the memory of a fantasy creature behind him. However he failed to shake off how bothered he felt by Rachel's comment about not liking mermaids. He already knew she disliked the thought of traveling -- even more so, him sailing off to God knows where. And that was putting the main strain in their relationship.

And now Syrena is back.

Philip walked Rachel back home with all the goods he bought for her, a variety of flowers, treats, and knick knacks from foreign places. She tried to convince him to stay the night, noticing that something on his mind was bothering him, but as always, he politely declined. It didn't feel right to him, sleeping at a woman's place without being married to her first. It disappointed her each time and always prompted the question of when he'd propose, in which he'd respond that he was waiting until he completed his cartography apprenticeship first. And he was close. However it seemed that Rachel was getting impatient, and he was starting to second-guess spending the rest of his life with her.

It was night when he left her place, though he didn't head straight home yet. He needed some space to clear his head. No doubt Syrena's return would trigger nightmares of Blackbeard and the other pirates -- which happened when he first returned home from his initial adventure. They would occur now and then, which would prompt him visiting Rachel in the middle of the night. She was his main source of comfort while he recovered, and maybe that's what he clung to. She may be demanding, but her humanitarian work already demands so much from her, surely she deserved to have good things given back to her. He also didn't mind; he was earning a lot more money than he needed. Of course he gave back to the church that impacted a majority of his life -- or did those cease due to Rachel's increasing demands? Nevertheless, he liked seeing her happy. She had filled a gap in his heart; a hole that was once filled with sea water, she replaced with solid ground.

Yet it's to the shoreline Philip wandered to that night, the sound of the crashing waves bringing a familiar comfort. He didn't want to admit he was hoping Syrena would be there, but she was. And he felt guilty for feeling glad she was there, though he couldn't help that his words came out bitter.

"What are you doing here, Syrena?" Here -- on land, in my home town of all places -- now, after all this time.

He had every right to feel the way he did. But he couldn't stay that way for long, especially not towards her.

[fictionadventurer]

We laugh at sci-fi for how it over-explains technology, but we also need to make fun of how Victorians describe any time period that takes place more than ten years before the book's publishing date.

It's like if we wrote like this about the '80s or '90s.

According to the curious fashions of the day, she wore a shirt of tie-dye print. It may seem quaint to our modern sensibilities, but such colorful styles were a common sight in any public street of those times.

At the time this story occurred, it was not uncommon for young men to wear their hair cropped closely around the face, but allow the hair behind the head to grow until it brushed the level of the shoulders.

In those days, the information superhighway was little more than a crude unpaved path, full of hazards and beset by brigands, so it is not strange that our heroine, instead of entering her query into the search bar on her browser, went to the public library and scoured the books on the shelves for the information she sought.

She and her friends went to the theater to see E.T. How strange to think that film was once at the heights of popularity and acclaim, as well-known in its day as films like The Hunger Games or The Avengers have become in the intervening time.

I get that the lack of video and audio recording made it harder for future generations to experience the details of the past, and that technology was changing their world at a faster rate than ever before, but also, dude, it was only, like, forty years ago, so maybe chill out a bit.

[katabay]

it's the musketeers babyyyyy

just shaking off some cobwebs, figuring some visuals out, trying out some brushes. someone get d'artagnan off of that before he falls.

[making-you-in-spore]

what if i made enamel pins based on fan favorite original spores

[azurem]

Inkmare but I think Nightmare would be kind of 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂. Like. He'd get disappointed when after a while Ink just doesn't. puke paint. Into A KISS. They're in that level where they're getting gross like an illness that keeps getting worse until you're seeing double and are shaking and the lights are too bright, so cold but they won't give you more blankets because you have a fever. But inkmare. Yes.

[darcyolsson]

SAHAR: Imogen got a boyfriend last year and then stopped texting me. IMOGEN: ...Er, no! You stopped texting me!

[skumhuu]

Proshipper = you're against censorship and harassment over fiction & curate your experience on the internet to have a healthy distance from things that make you uncomfortable

Antishipper = you're okay and even encourage harassment towards "freaks" and "weirdos" society deems acceptable to hurt

[front-facing-pokemon]

[uncanny-tranny]

I love love love when trans women* give advice to trans men* about """manly""" things and when trans men* return that kindness with advice about """womanly""" things. I love the intracommunity commitment to supporting each other <<3

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

with Luo Qingyang and Lou Binghe having the same last name I got start thinking of an au: like what if lbh was her little brother

tho what's funnier lbh in the mdzs universe or that means tlj is lou qingyangs dad in that au

I wanted to give this a genuine answer but I kept getting distracted by Lou Binghe...so...yeah.

[turtleblogatlast]

I think a lot about Leo’s tendency to push his way into the spotlight despite clearly being a natural in the shadows. Hell, you could argue that his worst moments are when he’s forcing himself onstage, and his best are when he does things no one notices until it’s already been done.

[trappedinafantasy37]

"Minthara is so abusive to the player" *INCORRECT BUZZER NOISE*

Minthara would literally go to fucking hell for the opportunity to personally beat the absolute shit out of the person who actually did abuse you. She will throw hands with gods and devils just to avenge you.

And you will not be able to convince her not to.