#i'm feeling happy and fulfilled!
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🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 really really really hope you don't go away forever, you are a delight and your silm art is my very favorite-- absolute endorphin machine!!! You have some amazing skills-- and also all your art is so warm and lovely that I think you must be a very sweet person ❤❤❤ I hope you are well and hope to see you around!!
that's so sweet of you to say 🥺 i've been busy irl with cool stuff (all my dreams are coming true) and i'm just seeing myself slowly drifting away from fandom and online spaces! but i'm planning to put out/finish all my WIPs and comics before i dip (and there's A Lot so I don't think i'm going anywhere anytime soon ... just posting more sparingly :'))
#irl life has been treating me well. literally all my dreams and wishes are coming true#meeting the coolest people having the bestest friends eating such good food cooking so well wearing the cutest clothes dancing at the insan#st queer raves buying designer clothes i am obsessed with ...... all that jazz. life is good !#i'm feeling happy and fulfilled!#nails replies#sorry it took me literal months to reply i was keeping this ask in my inbox to always reread it again it's so lovely and sweet#thank you a bazillion times ily
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GUESS WHO MADE A COVER ART FOR A BREAKCORE TRACK DEDICATED TO VINCENT ON SOUNDCLOUD AWOOOOOOOOOOO
THERE IT GOOEEES
#I AM SO HAPPY Y'ALL HAVE NO IDEA#PLS LISTEN TO IT IT SOUNDS SO COOL#like since i turned into a breakcore listener I started to build a desire to make my own#but during the period I used to make some random tracks for fun on MMJ it had a VERY limited amount of breakcore or dnb samples#and tbh doing tracks on FL Studio is infinitely better although I'm a big NOOB with that#but bro???? I literally made this one on FL and I'm so proud of the result#accompanied by the desire to make my own breakcore track. I had the desire to make some Silent Hill themed track as well#n even more specific. one track for ma babygirl vinny WAAAAA#I've found a Silent Hill breakcore once n it's forever on ma playlist. now i brought anotha one 2 the world#n one dedicated for one of my fav charas i feel SO FULFILLED GAWDAYUM#THIS IS A DIRECT LOVE LETTER TO HIM OK#THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. I MADE A TRACK FOR MY MAN#silent hill#silent hill 3#vincent smith#fanart#silent hill fanart#sh3#video games#silent hill series#artwork#original music#music#soundcloud#silent hill art#digital art#art#artists on tumblr#my art#drawing
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lucanis truly has a near terminal case of burned out golden child syndrome. caterina fucked both of these kids over so incredibly bad with the dynamic she enforced there, with illario being labled the perpetual fuckup kid where lucanis 'could do no (would never be allowed to do) wrong'. the way he admits in the first coffee date scene that the only thing that happened when he showed he could carry the weight of expectation was that more weight was added makes me so sad. you can hear it in caterina's voice in his intro mission that she's incredibly proud of him, but this is clearly a leandra and hawke situation where that pride never translates into relief or resolution or unconditional warmth or understanding or anything that really helps.
#you messed up an excellent little autistic dude caterina look at him he has no personal life and his only friend is his scar-ass cousin!!#because that's what you told him he has to be and he believed you!!!#all that and you wouldn't even let him have a wyvern dagger just for fun and b/c it makes him SO happy? when i get you caterina dellamorte#I'm finding the crow family drama so compelling in this game I'm just hanging around treviso Observing haha#I wish they'd given illario a bit more nuance in this (as I feel he does have in the wigmaker job)#b/c with the sheer pantomime susness he's got going on they really don't want you to engage with him deeply haha#also teia mvp as always but I think that goes without saying (and happily all these lads around her seem to know it)#both lucanis and viago like 'thank you teia you're the best 🥺' and she's like 'yeah I know'#protective big sis of the remaining crow family haha. and she's got to be barely thirty years old at this point. I'm love her so much#'*annoyed voice* MAKER HELP US' she's saying what we're all thinking#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#I think my rook is having some uncomfortable moments of realizing some parallels here with their own relationship to the watchers haha#like 'buddy you're so much more than just a tool for your family to use. I however have a sacred duty I was banished from#the fulfilment of which determines my entire worth and that I am low-key mourning behind the levity b/c that's what I was made for. ...wait#I feel like rye was more the illario & lucanis combo only child tho. wants so much to be good but keeps getting into Shenanigans#chaotic underachiever with frankly upsetting potential when they actually get their act together and they WANT to so bad#but also. shenanigans keep happening. releasing blighted gods is only barely the wildest of them
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This isn't, like, the biggest deal, but I do find it funny when people are almost... surprised or shocked that converts unironically believe in judaism and also unironically align themselves with jewishness. It's just something I've seen a small handful of times and it's like... of course I (and others!) unironically believe in this stuff. I'm not putting in this work because I don't have enough going on in my life
#jumblr#jewish conversion#jew by choice#personal thoughts tag#the shock is mostly (ime) 'wait you actually believe that??' in a weird tone#like! yes! i find fulfillment in... much of judaism!! that's what drew me in#it's like some people expect us to be like... secretly xtian or secretly not believe in judaism for nefarious reasons??#like frankly if i wanted an easier time of it i'd just go back to being an ex-xtian agnostic (which i obviously am not)#but judaism fulfills me. i know the happiness i feel is genuine contentment and the feeling of home#but yeah. i do unironically think of jews as my intrinsic equal *and* a people i want to be part of#if i didn't see them/us as equal i wouldn't be here. i do my best to deepen my... allyship?? alliance??? with the people i want to join#and that's something that takes a lot of time and effort and it's something that's important regardless#i often don't find this stuff offensive but it makes me wonder what they think converts are... converting to? why wouldn't we believe this?#like ik it's complex but at the same time it's a matter of... i'm aware of my own intentions for conversion and it has nothing to do...#...with my past as an 'xtian.' it has nothing to do with tricking people or being bored or whatever else might be nefarious like that#xtian in quotes because i don't think i ever was one though i was raised in that environment by people who *were* xtian
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I dont care about the odds of womens liberation happening because I dont solely focus on "winning" per se. That's not to say I dont want or aim towards it but freedom isn't just about the end but the journey too. Cultivating a lifestyle as a single childfree woman is something bigger than me and something I hold onto to get me by.
One thing about conscious is that we all know we're going to die. This terrifies some; but in some cases it gives a purpose to existence. Death becomes a metric to measure the things that are worth it in life, things to dedicate life towards for fulfillment in existing. Whether the end goal actually comes to fruition or not is irrelevant because the hope and purpose carries you as you live.
To get by the hardships of life and inevitability of death: dedicate yourself to something bigger than you. Having a sense of purpose beyond yourself drives innovation & delivery. It's not just about how long you live but what you live (& are willing to die) for. This is how cults, religion, charity, activism, natalism etc affect people. It gives them a sense of purpose greater than themselves so they devote their lives to them even in extreme cases where it'd kill them. They suffer & work in the name of their cause.
Many women regret encountering feminism & seeing maIes for how evil they are but I dont. I see things more clearly & more importantly it's given me a purpose in life; something to orient how I carry myself as long as I live: To pour my energy into myself & other likeminded women, to live beyond serving a maIe, to trust myself & not let the claws of maIe supremacy sink into me, to be the subject of my life instead of the object, to know I'm ending the line of suffering and not giving maIes what they ultimately want - another soul in the chain to continue the suffering, etc. That's the direction I'm taking my life.
I'm saying all of this because with things like separatism, 4B etc if you're serious about it think about these things as something bigger than yourself let it be something that you devote yourself to that goes beyond you. In the end it isn't just about you, it's about the future children you're saving from experiencing the hurt & suffering of this world. For me, no matter what happens as long as I dont give birth before I die that's a W for me - when I die the suffering in my line ends with me. So that's how I see this as something bigger than myself, it's not just about me but my (potential) future offspring. And before anyone tells me about how there's good in this world; good isn't guaranteed but suffering is.
When you give yourself to something bigger than you you're able to commit to things for the greater good & not just doing things for the sake of it. I dont refuse to date, reproduce, wear makeup, etc to stick it to anybody; it's just freeing for me. I think the lack of seeing these things as something bigger than yourself is part of why many women struggle to commit to this or even think of the idea (there's obvs many reasons but I wont get into them to stay focused). I commonly to hear things "I'm not doing x for some fringe online movement" because they dont see a greater good, sense, or purpose to it so instead women will get in pro woman spaces demanding it caters to them & their existing habits rather than working within these spaces towards a goal greater than themselves compared to dating which is why they're willing to inconvenience & risk more in that regard.
This might sound extreme but many people whether they're aware of it or not have a purpose for themselves at some point & legacy they want to build to leave something behind or it fulfils them. For me the way I see all of this is that I want to succeed as a single childfree woman as my legacy. That's what I build towards. I occasionally ask myself that if I was to die now would my life & the things I did reflect what I believed in at the end of the day. Now obviously people have different motives & legacy aspirations which causes conflict (even with maIe supremacy it's about legacy which is why maIes live & die for it. It makes it easier for them to reproduce & steal labour from women to pass off as their own & that's something added to their legacy - something that lives beyond). Ofc not everyone gets remembered but in the grand scheme of things as I mentioned it's not about the end goal but the journey there.
The thing with fulfilment is that it is so strong if this thing wasn't there people likely wouldn't know what to do with themselves. Despite the criticisms of religion, part of why it's so powerful & popular is bc many people wouldn't know what to do without that framework shaping their lives. Something they can lean on in hard times, something that directs the way they go about their daily lives so people take it very seriously with its ups and downs as it gives them purpose & they'd be lost otherwise. Similar thing with patriarchy, if you remove the benefits it comes with; maIes wouldn't have a purpose to work towards & existence wouldn't be worth it for most of them. This is why many of them dont care about going on rampages even if it costs them their lives to uphold the system as they have nothing to live for out of maIe supremacy. A loss of those structures would be a net negative as they have to work harder for the same or less results.
For many women, romance is something that fulfils them & adds purpose to their lives (remember having purpose to something means you're willing to struggle for it). In my previous post I addressed the argument of how there'll be violence when women reject maIes en masse but even when women choose to date maIes the risk of violence is still there (which there's endless strategies on how to 'vet' and mitigate) but they still go for it because a having relationship is something bigger than themselves. These things fulfil them so much so that many women refuse to take maIes as they are & actively shut out news about their violence bc it'd make them hate them & they dont want to do that bc losing romance would be losing it all. It isn't just about them, they're looking for someone to explore, build, and create life with as it fulfils them so they'd be willing to take risks to find that. Hell even out of dating, many women will risk their lives & livelihood to advocate for maIes politically as they see the cause as greater than them.
I've provided examples to put this concept in context so for the more relevant part: as a single childfree woman where does this leave you? Find a sense of purpose & fulfilment to it. This is something that has to come from within for it to stick, a sentence I say isn't going to give you purpose bc you dont know me & I dont know you. To a degree, typical things that give people purpose & fulfilment are messages that have been instilled into them from childhood. As people grow & face challenges it's something they lean on and it works for them to get by life. Many religious people look to their creator when they're going through hard times in addition to everything else they do surrounding religion as they devote themselves to that. So having a purpose & sense of fulfilment is important bc when adversity inevitably comes up it will help you overcome it.
TLDR: We're always taking risks depending on what we find purpose & fulfilment in. These things tend to be bigger than ourselves. Find purpose and fulfilment to being a single childfree woman.
This is the final part of my series of posts about the popularity & rise of single childfree women:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
#finally got this out lol this took a while because I had a lot going on in my personal life but it's been on my mind to get this finished#find purpose as a single childfree woman#so good luck to y'all & I hope more single childfree women find purpose to this. One thing I'll say is dont feel pressured to find purpose#fulfilment. Not everyone will find purpose but at the very least find a sense of fulfilment that isnt rooted in sumn like getting back at x#in the end this is something that should be fun it's not a punishment. Enjoy yourself ! Be happy with your life it should let you feel good#& add meaning to your life. Have this bc it will keep you strong through hard times. I personally see no alternative I will go down fightin#I refuse to continue an xys legacy through me. I reject the life where I'm a wife & mother in every dimension even if it means I go down#that's a risk I'm willing to take for freedom. You'll notice I talk abt myself a lot bc it's something that has to resonate with you.#It can inspire but ultimately this must grow within; good luck gyn.#female separatism#female separatist#4b#6b4t#single woman#childfree women
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figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..
#to cheer me up.. i feel bad atm.. these things don't even make me feel very good tho bc i'm such a narrative/sketch-based artist..#but Proper Beautiful Finished Pieces are what grab attention and look good at the end of the year all neatly lined up lol.....#so looking at a “yearly review” where i can only choose 'the best image of the month' (??) is like...What have i even been doing...#i did a month by month look back on twt for myself instead..but even that doesn't express the quantity of comic-based stuff..#that i do put a lot of time/heart into..but alas i feel bad bringing even them back..RTing/reblogging my own art simply feels bad lol..#AND WHY IS IT ALL B&W...trying to accept that i LIKE doing that and sketching and scribbling..not like i'm trying to like..Get Artist Job..#this year was so profoundly lonely at times bc i spent all my time drawing instead of socialising and trying to find friends....#please please please have achieved more of your dreams in the future so you can look back at 2023 and think..#It was good that happened so that it got me further to the future. Or whatever i guess.....................#regardless i did have a great amount of fun drawing and improving this year and dwelling deeply & heavily on witch hat atelier.#art-wise and emotionally....march july & september were the best months i think..AUGUST WAS SO WEIRD SUMMER IS SO EVIL ALWAYS.#thank you very much if you are reading this for enjoying & leaving nice tags & such like <3 i've realised how fulfilling that is to receive#really keeps me posting stuff here instead of keeping it all to myself in my head#i wish everyone in this world could have a safe and happy end of year. i wish living in this world were easier
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you're the only good fucking blog on this godforsaken website. would you like me to kill in your name
ngl to you anon this message is making me feel like this
#I'M VERY HAPPY YOU LIKE ME AND ENJOY MY BLOG I'M SORRY YOU'RE HAVING SUCH A BAD EXPERIENCE W OTHER ONES#YOU DON'T GOTTA KILL FOR ME JUST TRY AND LIVE A LIFE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL FULFILLED OKAY?#starscream.txt#anonymous#answered
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okay kim opinion poll. in a long term otherwise good friendship/relationship/whatever with harry, is kim more:
1) secretly grateful for harry's can-opening mind-reading abilities, because it means he almost never has to actually SAY what he wants or is thinking but will have his needs/desires fulfilled regardless, or
2) does he resent the mind-reading because he is a deeply private person and his thoughts are supposed to be the ONE thing truly his own and he doesn't like that harry can bypass the one boundary he thought was truly solid
realistically it's a mix of both but i'd like to know which way people think he leans
#it's not one or the other it definitely depends on the situation#when kim wants something and specifically wants it fulfilled it's easier if harry just 'reads his mind'#but if there's something kim is repressing and harry dredges it up then kim starts resenting it#which is why harry needs to. yknow. learn to respect boundaries#mostly i'm asking this because i see a lot of people say kim would be happy about being mind-read#but i feel like it isn't that simple and i want people's thoughts#disco elysium#kiwipost#kim kitsuragi#kk meta
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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I don't necessarily buy into the idea of love languages, but I think figuring out how you show your love to others can be such a great idea.
I've learned that I show love through gift-giving and creating things with my loved ones in mind. While this won't be compatible with everyone, the core of why you like expressing your love in particular ways can help you explore how to expand on how you express it.
I think this is important because I think we should strive to be adaptable and to understand ourselves as deeply as we understand the people we love. By getting to know yourself, you can how to appreciate all these qualities about you
#advice#relationships#this goes for ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP#i have always expressed my love in the same way no matter who it is - because i love them#i used to buy my friend flowers when i had no classes in high school#(funnily enough i'm not a huge fan of recieving gifts myself. i would rather be giving them)#inspired because i just gave my dad a gift the other day and i felt so fulfilled and happy#i've gone so long without giving a gift that i felt morose. and now i feel rejuvenated :3#i'm thinking about what gift i could give next#i've been talking a lot about crochet to my dad so maybe after my next project i could find something to make him#after my hoodie i wanna make this freddie fazbear beanie. i thought it was HILARIOUS#bruh i took sewing classes as a youth and i made a stuffed bear and gave it to him. and the bear has no eyes and he STILL HAS IT 😭#this bear is almost ten years old and he still has no eyes gd bless 😭💀💀
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Promises promises (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#The kisses yearning......it has returned.........#They're just so cute I can't help it hweh#Kisses on the cheek are harder to refute than on the mouth haha - just for a second! Just to be close! Just to show how much ♥#He wanted to fight about it but it's not like there's anything he can say that he Also doesn't want#Forever <3 Promise#And then they can't fulfill that promise wehh#More kisses ♪ Ostensibly for practice because I can always use the practice - I just like them together!!#I love when Max is just plastered against him and Dex holds him so carefully haha - he /is/ stronger than Max but still#Max sticks to him so much#Dresses! Probably drag/cross dressing but mm?#On top of ZEX wearing a dress that one time(?) presumably because gendered human fashion doesn't cross the translation barrier#I've been thinking about the Helix duo as ladies off and on too hmm#I keep going back and forth on Ladyverse!Helix like - with the Vargases it's easy? How their designs are different and The Implications™#So much to think about - and it's not like L!Helix lacks that by any means! But everyone's already so pretty so there's that lol#Max is androgynous and Dexter is beautiful like they'd just look like themselves lol#Presumably there'd be Some physical differences but I really wonder by how much! And how they'd be expected to act or grow into#For now it's just appreciating the pretties <3 Because they are they're so pretty! However they are they're beautiful <3#Dex's dress is fun hehe ♪ He Could wear it covering his leg but a brief pose that lets it peek out isn't so bad hehehe#Max is very much giving Junior Prom haha <3 He's too cute#Honestly I just really really needed to see him in that front/collar/spaghetti straps style it's so cute and I feel like it suits him#I'm not sure what it is exactly but the fabric falling forward on his chest is just - correct?? It Feels Correct#And last one of an idea I haven't been able to shake since starting on plush Max as a project haha#I Want to give him a whole closet of clothes but I also don't want him to be naked for long! And what's the easiest type of clothing to make#Imagining him in a pretty white or light yellow sundress.......swishing and twirling and being cute and happy........ahhh...........#He deserves to feel the prettiest and sparkliest and specialest because he is ♥
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Trans boy Percy can be a lot of fun
just a lot of people have a tendency to make it something he comes out about Pre-canon and that it changes nothing
while I'm over here like I firmly believe that Molly would not have continued having kids if she thought she already had a daughter
and i think she would be annoying as hell about him figuring himself out I just think she would be so disrespectful about it
Molly would be a "but your ruining yourself! you are my baby girl!" while crying type of parent and I believe that in my heart
She would guilt trip Percy like crazy about it while feeling 100% like she's doing the right thing.
Do I think that maybe she would realize after a few years that she's being absolutely terrible? I mean like I would hope so
#percy weasley#Now Post-war Trans-girl Percy finally letting herself be free and no longer caring about what her family thinks?#is amazing and i love that concept#i feel like every non shipping post i could want to make about Percy is one i've already made at this point#ik I've talked about trans!Percy before but im going to do it again#Tw: transphobia#trans!percy weasley#I firmly believe Molly would continue introducing Percy as her daughter im sorry#i just think she would be transphobic i don't think she would spew like truelly heinous things like hoping Percy dies or anything#but i do think she would never respect Percy's pronouns or only respect them when she's happy with him#does this mean i think transboy!Percy can't be done? no obviously not that is dumb you can do whatever you want#its just most depictions i've seen have been very the Weasleys all accept him or at the worst the twins make like one joke and drop it#when i just don't think it would go like that personally#though wish fulfillment is also just a good time so *shrug*#This has been hiding in my drafts for who knows how long so I'm freeing her#molly weasley critical
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Happy belated new year everynyan, this year i wanna:
Get a binder
Get a new therapist
Get sillier
Get clownier
Sort out familial bs that has consumed the fuck out of me
Conocer a mi virtualito ☆ (need the previous one done first)
Continue to invest in my ninja turtle brainrot
#yam talks#this year was a little ugly in terms of personal life stuff !!!! but tbh it was a very fun one too#i love my friends a lot and i love the stuff i managed to do in social terms#I've met a lot of cool and fun ppl in the tmnt fandom which I'm very grateful for#not to be gay on main or anything#i also feel p fulfilled in terms of art#i defo did more than i usually do#happy mew year and i hope this year is happier and mewer
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My flavor of giftedness isn't gifted kid burnout, my flavor is "never quite burned out but now is stressing because academics aren't the same as the real world and while I'm good at academics I'm horrible at real world stuff so I'm desperately trying to find a career that's somewhat close so I don't utterly fail whenever I get a job"
#staring at the ceiling and wondering what I'll do once my job is no longer “learning for free-ish”#that's part of the reason why I wanna go in research; at least then most of my job is discovery#but I knew from the get-go that I'm a “theoretical/thinking kind of job” person and not a “hands-on job” person#that's the kind of stuff that makes me happy and that I could feasibly feel fulfilled by#but then I still can't get by on my purely theoretical knowledge alone u-u#the pain of real life is quickly approaching - soon I can't just do classes and internships; I'll have to work T-T#capitalism sucks I wish I could just do my hobbies and not have to worry about a living wage :c#intellectual giftedness#actually gifted
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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i'm overwhelmed by the amount of positive comments i got on my latest fic! my heart goes out to all the survivors of sexual abuse, and i'm glad my fic has helped many of you process your own trauma. <3
#personal#i honestly wrote it bc i was feeling quite Bad abt very Old Wounds haha as i am sometimes wont to do#bc of a person/event that reminded me of my abuser#i thought it may resonate with like one or two people but i mainly wrote it for myself#and i am so surprised that so many people have messaged me about it#also kinda sad bc that means they've Not Had A Good Time#however i'm very glad my fiction can provide some sort of relief/catharsis#it's an isolating experience to have very ambivalent feelings abt your own abuse#and to become aware of your own patterns of seeking to repeat it/seeking toxic dynamics that remind you of it#about 6 years have passed since i was last abused in such a way#and while i do get randomly sad about it and while it has affected my psyche in a very significant way#and while i still do get the occasional flashback albeit it is much more rare nowadays#and still do react to certain things quite disproportionately#i have to say it DOES get better#esp if you make a tangible effort to heal#you will get there#and while it is a part of you it is not who you are#and you are capable of living a fulfilled and satisfying life#sexually and otherwise#i used to be so upset about not being a Good Victim#but the best thing i've done is that i have given myself grace and stopped policing/moralising my own experience#(that does not mean allowing myself to engage in repeated self-abuse)#(even if i have slipped a couple of times bc i am human)#i have allowed the space for my toxic fantasies instead of trying to banish them#but i have sought to fill my life with other positive experiences#while not forgetting or erasing the negatives#and while my abuse will always be a part of me it will not prevent me from being happy#also kink has helped a lot as well as writing#but i advise ppl to tread VERY carefully with kink as esp as abuse survivors#it is a slippery slope and it can be dangerous in many ways
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