#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.

[alittlemomento]

June 26th, 2020;

Hello. I am a 19 year old adult. This year has been one of the most emotionally taxing times of my life. This global pandemic was simply the start of a mix of emotions that I do not know how to deal with. All of the students were prohibited from returning back to campus back in March, and it was the awakening for me that things would not be the same. No matter what happened in my life or the feelings that I felt, school was always there. Don’t get me wrong, I did not enjoy going everyday, but some part of the routine made me feel safe and productive. However, the chain was broken. It was like suddenly my usual daily routine meant nothing anymore. I remained in my room back at home for most of the quarantine, and at first, I didn’t think this self-quarantine would prove to be a challenge in any manner for me. You see, I am a home-body/introvert. I love staying inside and keeping to myself most of the time. As time went on, I began to itch to go outside. I thought that maybe I wasn’t such an introvert after all. However, looking back, I now see it that rather than wanting to go outside, I just wanted my regular life back. Prior to this, all I wished for was some excitement, just ANYTHING to break away from my normal life. But now, I’m not really sure which one I prefer. Once the quarantine had been lifted, all of us began to leave our houses more frequently one by one. I thought, “finally, things will begin to find their place again”. Then, the George Floyd incident had occurred. A horrendous, horrifying sight for the world to see. It’s quite strange though, considering how seeing and hearing these kinds of racism events in the news always did happen frequently until now. Maybe it was because people could actually see how the life was being drained from his very eyes. As self-centered as it may seem, I began to wonder: “have I done anything thus far for the sake of something greater than myself?” “Have I ever done anything that would benefit the greater good of the people around me?” “Have I ever lived for anyone except for myself?” I grew to dislike myself even more. I always knew that I was selfish and I continued to disappoint myself over and over again, however, this time, it was pure rage. I was angry. I was angry at the whole world and myself. How could we have let things get to this point completely unfixed? Completely broken? This past decade, we as a society have made so many improvements concerning inclusion for everyone, yet, we have also become the most divided we have ever been. People wanting change versus those who wished the world would remain the same. One side not being able to understand the other. It’s a hideous sight. It breaks my heart over and over again. All I could think was, “I hate it here. I hate people”. And honestly, I still think the same. I’ve been wanting to hold on to those I find dear in my life even closer to me and I’m not sure if I ever want to meet a new face any time soon. I’m scared. Humans are the most emotionally charged and emotionally apathetic beings in existence. Truly only caring for what they find important. It’s admirable but inefficient.

On a more personal level, I broke off a friendship that should have been broken off years ago. It’s funny how when I think of him now, all I can remember is a kind and scared soul. I don’t think that I have any romantic feelings for him any longer, rather, I just really wished he would change. All this time, I have had this intense battle within me to finally be content with myself. When we met up and I saw that he hasn’t changed at all, it frustrated me. It’s like somehow him not loving himself has made me feel more disappointed than it does for him. I’m trying to love myself. I’m trying even though it feels wrong. I don’t want to do this. I wish it wasn’t so hard. But I’m doing it in hopes that someday it will make things better for myself. I know that loving yourself is a challenge, it makes you confront parts of yourself that you never want to face. The fact that you’re weak, selfish, greedy and yet, need as much love as anyone else is hard to swallow. It angers me when I see him because I feel so alone. I feel so alone in this. Other people seem to find it hard to love themselves, but manages to find peace within themselves. For someone that I know finds that incredibly hard to do, I was hoping that we could both try to be happy with ourselves. But, that’s not how things are. I feel so lonely just like back then. I’m trying to make you see something within yourself. Cause maybe once you do, you’ll finally see me. 

Everyone is leaving. Everyone is confused. Everyone is angry and ashamed. I feel this suffocating weight in my chest. It’s uncomfortably warm. I don’t want to live in a world that is running on such unpleasant feelings. It’s like, we’re not even allowed to be happy anymore. I’ve really considered, “is this the end for all of us?” “Will something come down and save us?” “But I have nothing to show for myself”. Even the thought of meeting those that I love in the near future doesn’t make me feel joy. I’m scared. I don’t want to meet them. Cause that means that yet another encounter has come and left, that another week has passed, that another day is gone and yet, I still don’t feel better. Waking up everyday in this body, in this room, in this house, in this family, in this friend group, in this town, in this state, in this country, in this world....it’s suffocating. I appreciate the blessings I have and the love I’m getting each day, so why. Why isn’t it getting any better? Why do I not feel comforted? Why do I feel so incomplete? 

It’s ironic. The Bible says that people will fear dying, but should not fear death. But the idea of dying seems so much more satisfactory than knowing where I’ll end up afterwards. What if it’s just pitch darkness? What if it’s that stupid yellow room? What if it’s Heaven and Hell? I don’t know. I’ve exhausted all my options. I must be human. I must be. There’s no questioning it. 

I know I’m not perfect. And I know I’ve come a long way in loving myself. I haven’t achieved a lot thus far, though I’m not really sure just how much I need to do until I feel fulfilled. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why am I sad? There’s no reason to be. I think I need help. I need to know if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m just crazy. Am I losing it? Am I bored? Do I really find myself that uninteresting?