#i'm already on issue 32 AND IT'S REALLY GOOD | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hwaslayer · 3 months ago

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wildfire (cs) | four.

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, eventual smut

—word count: 5.4k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing, mature language/sexually implied content, oc is getting whiplash from prof. choi's lab culture lmao, very vague/general descriptions of mice research work, prof. choi to the rescue fr, lots and LOTS of tension, yes i promise the ending counts as foreshadowing because shit will hit the roof in 5!!

A couple of days later, you and Sunwoo are finally putting the newly built behavior rig to use. A couple of days later, you find yourself becoming way too distracted by Professor Choi.

A couple of days later, Sunwoo is asking you to text your professor about some mice issues?

"Can you do me a favor?" Sunwoo pouts. "Pretty please?"

"What?" You tease and cross your arms.

"Can you take a picture and text it to Professor Choi? Ask him if it's okay to move forward with the vet's recommendations for the mice?"

"Text him?" Sunwoo looks at you and nods, flashing you Professor Choi's number on his own phone screen.

"We usually text him if it's something really urgent and needs his attention."

"You guys don't just do this in a Slack chat or something?"

"Trust me, he's probably the worst with Slack. I don't even think the guy has it downloaded on his phone so it's easily accessible." Sunwoo chuckles. "Y/N, I promise. It's fine. I'm not setting you up for trouble." You let out a small sigh and pull out your phone to take pictures. You're not really sure why you're hesitant, it definitely was a thing in Professor Bahng's lab, too. You're probably just used to the older cohorts of professors that required everything to be sent through email, Slack maybe. The new wave? Definitely a bunch of texters.

you: hi professor choi, this is y/n! i'm with sunwoo and he asked me to send this picture to you of one of our mice. the vet said he's really sick and we should go with a different treatment plan for it. it'll cost a little more if we do, but it should help get the mouse back on track. can we move forward?

San is paused mid-workout when he gets your text, sweat dripping down from his forehead when he zooms into the picture, analyzes a bit and lets out a sigh.

prof. choi: yes please!

you: got it!

prof. choi: could i trouble you and sunwoo to make sure there aren't any other sick mice?

you: of course! sorry about that. ☹️

prof. choi: all good, it happens! no need to apologize for anything. thank you. ☺️

prof. choi: also, can you have him charge it to our outreach account? he'll know and could probably pass along the finance info to you.

you: of course!

prof. choi: 😬

"He said it's fine and to charge it to the outreach account." Sunwoo raises his brow.

"He answered you already? I thought we'd have to make rounds in this room before he responded."

"Yeah?"

"Jeez, what's the trick? I feel like I have to bombard him sometimes."

"I literally just got here, I have no trick." You laugh.

"Sure." Sunwoo laughs and shrugs it off. "Anyway, sounds good! Thanks. Let's go take care of these mice and make sure the rest are fine."

"He said that, too."

"Figured! Always gotta be one step ahead of him. That's the only way to survive here." You laugh and follow Sunwoo deeper into the mice room, looking through the rest of the mice to make sure none of them are as sick. You help him wean a couple and split them into different cages, the last half of the walkthrough consisting of making sure everything else looks good. When you get back to the basement, you spend a bit of time helping Belle before starting on the first half of your behavior experiment with Sunwoo. It's a lot of work spent in a dark room, surrounded by bright computer lights— time moves quick, but your energy drains quicker.

When you finally catch a break after the past few hours of working alongside of Sunwoo, you wander down the halls to head to the bathroom and get a snack. You freshen up after relieving yourself, feeling a bit icky after being in a stuffy room, the stuffy basement, all afternoon. You prance over to the vending machine down the hall, grabbing some peanut m&ms to munch to satisfy your sweet tooth. Just as you turn the hall to walk back towards the office, Professor Choi walks out of one of the rooms, damn near colliding with you once again.

"Woah, hey. Sorry." He says, his arm out in case of any minor collisions.

"You're good, Professor Choi." He smiles, eyes shifting down to the bag of m&ms in your hand.

"Sweet tooth?"

"Need some sugar. Been cooped up with the rooms with Sunwoo."

"You're gonna take a break, right?"

"I will." You give him a toothless smile. "Sorry about texting you earlier. Sunwoo said it was fine, but I don't know. I still feel bad somehow." Professor Choi laughs before shaking his head.

"It really is fine, I promise you Y/N. Especially in that case. You can text or call me for emergency purposes." You pause, unsure how to respond. "I mean it."

"Okay, okay." You chuckle. "I will." He smiles at you before clutching his laptop close to his hip and checking his watch.

"Good. I'll see you later, gotta run off to prepare for this symposium with Professor Bahng."

"Symposium?"

"Mhm. He's leading one next month."

"Are you doing a talk?" He nods.

"Yeah unless he boots me out of the agenda for whatever reason." You giggle and shake your head. "You'll be there whenever it happens, right?"

"Yeah, of course. Can't miss that."

"Good answer." He smirks. "And Y/N?"

"Mhm?"

"Hope that's not gonna be dinner for you. Don't skip meals on me, please." You silently nod, waving him off before turning on your heel to head back to your desk.

That same evening, you have never been so grateful for having listened to a professor. It was such a tiny detail when Professor Choi told you to save his number for emergency purposes, and here you are experiencing said emergency purpose.

You were wrapping up your behavior experiment in one of the lab rooms, excited to finally leave the small room and the darkness behind. You had set your mice down on the cart, taking a few notes on an index card to jot into your lab notebook later on— which, you probably shouldn't have left your notebook in the office area in the first place. You needed to reference something mid-note-taking about the mouse's behavior, but you couldn't. When you decided to run out and grab your notes, the door handle flew off and locked you inside.

Fuck.

You tried your best not to panic, but the room felt like it was closing in on you with how small the space was. How dark the room was, felt like it was getting darker by the minute despite the computers giving off light in the far corners. Trapped between these behavior rigs and the gazillion computers, microscopes and lasers. There was no way to re-attach the handle, or so you couldn't see any possible way, and there was nothing that could help you unlock the door from the inside. The worse part of it all is that none of your texts or calls to Sunwoo are going through due to the sucky ass service in the basement, and you know he's busy doing some neuron culturing off in the wetlab room nearby.

He's definitely not checking his phone, and he's probably not going to check on you anytime soon.

Your mind immediately goes to Professor Choi next. It could be a long shot, but you decide to pace the room, hoping the call could go through at some point. This could be considered an emergency purpose, right? He wouldn't think you're silly for contacting him because of a door handle, no?

You definitely should save the facilities and security numbers, too.

"Hello?"

"Oh. Hi!" You're wide-eyed when the call actually goes through in this one spot of the room, Professor Choi's sultry, deep voice picking up on the other end.

"Hey Y/N. Everything alright?"

"Um, no? I'm kinda embarrassed to say this but I'm stuck in the W072 behavior room. The door knob inside flew off so I can't even open the door." He smiles to himself before letting out a small breath.

"Sorry, yeah. That door's been having major issues. I'll have to ask facilities what's going on with that. I'll be over in about 5 minutes."

"I'm so sorry. I really am embarrassed, I hope I'm not pulling you from—"

"You don't need to worry." He chuckles. "You're not pulling me away from anything. I could use the break anyway. Be there for you soon. Hang tight for me, hm?" You bite onto your bottom lip and nod as if he can see you.

"Mmkay. Thank you."

"You're welcome." And with that, the call ends. You're awkwardly sitting on the computer chair in the dark room, nothing but the sounds of computers whirring in the background; sounds of the mice scrambling around their cages, a little desk lamp and the computers the only source of light. You barely have service down here, and you're eternally grateful the call actually went through to Professor Choi's phone.

You'd be stuck here until Sunwoo decides to randomly pop in, if he randomly pops in. Until who fucking knows when, really.

Professor Choi arrives within that 5 minute mark, and he startles you by the way he swings the door open. He's wearing a Stussy shirt and jeans, sporting that same, dimpled smile of his that you're finding is becoming a weakness for you.

"Hey you." He says. "You okay?"

"Yeah, thank you." You stand, the broken door handle in hand. "Uh, I have this?" He laughs before wedging the small trash can in between the door frame and the door itself.

"Let me see." He says, gently taking the door handle from your hand. You watch from behind as he crouches down to see if he can temporarily re-attach the damn thing. I mean truthfully, he is also trying to look useful and attractive in front of you somehow. Even though he doesn't know what the fuck is going on. "Uh." He hums, making you giggle.

"Maybe you should leave it for facilities." He turns to you with a playful glare.

"Saying I can't fix it?"

"I mean, doesn't look like it." He playfully tuts and stands, setting the door handle aside. "We might both get stranded here."

"That wouldn't be too bad, now would it?" He looks at you with such a shit-eating smirk, it causes you to shy away and release eye contact before you break. "But, you're right. There are things I'm better off with and that's not fixing door handles." He pouts and you shake your head.

"We can't always be great at everything, Professor Choi." You tease.

"Yeah." He lets out a small laugh. "Were you finished in here?"

"Uh, yeah. I just need to put the mice away." You lazily point at the cart behind you with a few cages sitting on top.

"Let me help."

"Oh no, I promise, I'm okay."

"I wanna." He slips on some gloves and starts dragging the cart towards the opposite end of the behavior room where the mice are housed. They sit behind blackout curtains and on ventilated shelves, some sitting a bit higher up that require a small step-stool to reach. You start setting the cages into their open spots in the middle row, but the last three need to be placed on the very stop shelf. "Where do these guys go?"

"Up there." You point and he smiles, grabbing two of the cages for you.

"Got you. Careful, your head. I'm gonna reach over." He says from right behind you, his long arms reaching above to slip them into the open slots. You freeze, eyes watching him grab the last cage and slip it onto the shelf. "Good?" You turn to face him. He's still standing in the same position, not giving you much room to work with in this tiny corner.

"Mhm." You look up at him and god, does he like looking at you from this angle. "Thank you, Professor Choi."

"You're welcome." He matches your soft tone. With how close you are, you can smell his cologne lingering in the air.

"You're always coming to my rescue."

"I don't mind. I'd do it again if I needed to." He ticks his head to the side. "Gotta give Sunwoo a little talk about not taking care of you properly."

"He's doing a very good job, I promise." You don't know what the hell comes over you, but you tap him against the chest lightly— and you almost lose it. First, out of embarrassment, but second, because of how firm his chest felt. You knew he worked out, but damn; you were wondering how well built and toned he actually was. He doesn't do anything, though. He's still looking at you with a small smile etched on his lips. You can tell he's having a slight internal debate on whether or not he should also tease and play around.

He knows he can't. Doesn't mean he won't.

"Oh yeah?" He starts as he steps a little closer to test the waters. His eyes are flicking across your features as if he's trying to study you and study you well. It's a bit obvious he's itching to do something— brush your hair back, put a hand on your waist. Something, anything—

"Yo, you all good in there?" You hear Sunwoo's voice at the door, causing you to abruptly step aside and wipe your sweaty palms down your pants. "Oh shit, woah! Professor Choi out in the wild! What's going on?" Sunwoo fully steps into the behavior room and places his hands on his hips, San giving off a hearty laugh at his comment.

"The door handle flew off." Is all you say while pointing at it sitting on the edge of the table. "I tried calling and texting you but none of them went through. Professor Choi had to come save me." Sunwoo nods nonchalantly. Luckily, it doesn't seem like he thinks anything is strange or odd. Definitely didn't catch you two being only inches away from each other, damn near pressed up against one another. You're curious as to what Professor Choi would've done next, and now, you may never know.

Welp.

"The hell did you do?" Sunwoo laughs. "Just started and already breaking things?" He teases.

"You know that door's been an issue since forever." San chimes in.

"I know, I'm just teasing." You roll your eyes. "Anyway, are you all good in here?"

"Mhm. I uploaded everything onto the server."

"Sweet. I'll take a look in a bit." You watch Sunwoo as he starts to leave the room, grabbing your notebook and laptop from the other table before following suit.

"Thank you again, Professor Choi." You give him a cute smile that he finds himself admiring, being last to leave the room.

"Of course, Y/N. I'll come save you any time you need me to." You let out a small laugh before shaking your head and catching up to Sunwoo. He bites onto his bottom lip as he sheds off his gloves and tucks his hands into his pockets, letting the both of you be as he heads back into his office. Once he's inside, he lets out a hefty sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose because fuck.

He needs to control himself better.

"Fuck." He finally says outloud, slightly stressed over you and those pretty eyes.

Pretty lips.

Pretty smile.

He plops back down onto his office chair, shaking off the thoughts before proceeding to check his inbox and review his final draft of the progress report. He needed to find any distraction right now; his thoughts, judgment even, slowly being clouded by you.

—FLASHBACK

"I think I'm getting this all wrong." You rest your head on the library table, reviewing your journal club presentation lazily.

"Why do you think that, Y/N? The way you interpret the paper is gonna make sense to the lab. Journal club is meant for you guys to build off of it and have a discussion." Jiung continues to work on his homework across from you.

"I know, I'm just nervous for some reason."

"Then just send your email to Professor Choi to see if he'll go over it with you. Give you peace of mind." You sigh.

"Yeah. He's probably gonna be so done with me after the past few days." Jiung snorts.

"Imagine if he hadn't saved you." His laugh grows. "How the fuck would you have gotten out?"

"I'd like to believe that Sunwoo would have at least checked on me." He nods.

"Yeah, maybe. Glad you're okay, though. What did Professor Choi say?" You shrug, completely [and obviously] leaving out the details about the close moments you've had with him.

"Nothing. He just came to get me and that was it." Jiung nods silently, giving you the opportunity to type away on Outlook to send Professor Choi an email.

From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Hi Prof. Choi, Do you have some time to go over the paper I chose for journal club on Monday? I just want to make sure I'm getting the format and processes right. Here's my presentation attached. Best, Y/N

You minimize the window and continue to work on other things, hoping you can meet with Professor Choi and talk about it soon—

To: [email protected] From: [email protected] Sure! We can go over it tomorrow if you'd like? 11am good? - San

"He responded." Jiung hums as a response.

"Nice. What did he say?"

"We can meet tomorrow to go over it."

"See, that's good! I'm sure it'll be fine, but at least you can get Professor Choi's input for your first journal club." You nod.

"Yeah. Hopefully it is fine."

—END

You take your knuckles to the surface of Professor Choi's door, giving it a good two, three soft knocks before you hear a faint 'come in' from the other side. You swing the door open, finding Professor Choi diligently typing away as he sits at his desk. His brows are tightly knit together, and he's wearing a simple white button-up; but today, he's got black glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose.

"Hey Y/N." He says. "Sorry, give me a sec. I just need to respond to this email really quickly."

"No worries." You sit on the couch. "Take your time." His lips curve into a small smile just as he types away, then clicks to send it off.

"Alright. Hi." He smiles his usual, dimpled smile, black strands framing his forehead. "How's it going?"

"Good. How about you?"

"I'm alright, can't complain." He chuckles. "So, you wanted to talk about journal club? I checked your powerpoint and everything seemed fine. What's wrong?"

"I just feel like I'm not getting it right."

"Why do you think that way? You know, journal club is for us to discuss the paper as a lab. You don't have to get everything right, Y/N."

"But, still." You pout and San almost melts into a puddle in his seat. Fuck, he thinks. This is gonna be difficult. "I just wanna make sure I'm at least getting the process or the concept of the paper correct." Professor Choi stands and walks around his desk and it's your turn to internally lose it. He's got on black slacks but they fit him so well— his outfit fits him so well, you don't think you've ever seen someone built so.. perfectly.

"Wanna walk though it?" You barely hear the question as your eyes continue to [subtly] glaze over his figure, and he surely catches on.

How much more obvious can you be?

Well, how could he not know how attractive he is? Him and his friends are a consistent, hot topic on campus.

He's so damn fine. He knows it.

"Y/N?" He leans back against the edge of his desk, snapping you out of your thoughts. He's got a leg crossed over the other, arms crossed tightly against his chest. His head is tilted while he watches you, an amused smirk tugging at the corner of his lips while you shift your eyes back up to meet his. You're sure you aren't seeing things. You're almost positive Professor Choi's subtly feeding into this, right? "Lost you there?"

"Yes. Sorry." You purse your lips together. "Got distracted."

"Hm." He hums, licking his lips. "Over what?"

"Nothing." You smile and shrug it off like it's nothing even though it clearly isn't. He knows, and he's not entirely mad about it one bit. It's a relief he's not the only one; question is, who's gonna be the first to break? San knows he can't, and it's a game he hates to play.

Doesn't mean he won't.

"Didn't seem like nothing."

"Swear." You stand to walk over to the whiteboard on his wall, grabbing a colored marker to start doodling out your thoughts for the journal club paper.

"Lying to me again?" He teases.

"I would never lie to you, Professor Choi." He chuckles, coming behind you as you continue to write.

"That's nice to know. I hope you know you can tell me anything, though." You pause, letting his words marinate. No, you don't know that. You don't think you can tell him how fine he is or how much you wanna jump his bones, not at all.

"I'm just confused." You continue your writing. The statement goes for a couple of things: the journal club paper, some of the data that you and Sunwoo have from recent behavior work, Professor Choi himself. "I need to know if I'm understanding it correctly." You point to the board, slowly turning over your shoulder to look at him. "I don't wanna misread anything." He subtly bites onto his bottom lip before stepping closer and taking the marker from your hand, drawing a huge circle around your writings.

"You're not." And for San, that statement can also go for a couple of things: your overthinking, the way you feel silly for questioning your understanding of the paper, you. "If it's one thing I can tell you Y/N— it's to not overthink and question every little thing. You'll waste time doing that when you've had it right all along." He looks at you and gives you one final reassurance: "You're not misreading any of this."

"Okay." You respond softly, eyes shifting to his lips and back up to his almond-shaped eyes. For some reason, this no longer feels like it's about the paper. For some reason, it feels like he's telling you he's on the same page, like he wants you just as bad as you want him. For some reason, you no longer feel like you're just delusional and in your feelings— even though, everything about this is completely wrong and against the code. It could fuck everything up for the both of you.

But, you don't care.

He doesn't either.

"So, tell me again." He clears his throat. You watch his adam's apple bob when he swallows, capping the marker as he sits back on the corner of his desk and looks at you. "What's your understanding about their process?" You continue to write on the board, explaining your understanding of the paper. Professor Choi continues to sit closely behind you, nodding in agreement as you talk him through it. He saw your presentation and he didn't find any flaws with it; he's not sure why you're second guessing yourself when you did everything correctly.

You've done everything perfectly.

"Y/N." He says lowly, almost near your ear. "You've got it down. Don't second guess yourself."

"I can't help it."

"Trust me, don't. You'll make it more complicated than it needs to be. That was perfect. Your presentation was great."

"Should I fix anything?"

"No."

"Professor Choi. Are you lying to me now?" He chuckles.

"Is that what you think of me?" He's fighting with himself, closing his hand into a fist to fight the urge to tuck your hair behind your ear. He continues to keep his eyes on yours, though. "You know I could never do that."

"I'll take your word for it." In the end, you've gotten the reassurance you felt like you needed, you yearned for. But, in the end, you've also grown more confidence— enough to believe that Professor Choi was in the same boat as you. Because he is, he just can't say it out loud right now. This has nothing to do with the lab. His work. Your rotation, your projects.

This is all about you, and just you.

"Good." His tone drops before he checks his phone. He lets out a sigh, a small frown growing on his lips. How the hell did 30 mins go by so fast? "Shit. I gotta run to another meeting." He says softly, eyes quickly shifting around you facial features. "Is it okay if we continue this on the phone later? Just to make sure you've got everything before journal club on Monday?"

"S-sure." You quickly look at his lips, back up to his eyes. "Yeah, sure."

"5pm okay for me to call?"

"Dinner time for you?"

"Mm, not really. Dinner is whenever I feel hungry." You chuckle and nod. "What about you?"

"I can eat after."

"Okay, 5pm."

"Thank you, Professor Choi."

"You're welcome." He smiles toothlessly, watching as you carefully walk past him and grab your things. Again, he fights the temptation to pull you by the waist and press you flush against his body—

Doing things only he can imagine in his head.

"Are you walking out or are you doing a Zoom meeting?" San forces himself to snap out of it, lowly clearing his throat as he walks around and plops onto his computer chair.

"Zoom. Talk later?" You smile before waving, leaving San to his peace. The tension in the room feels like it's finally gone, finally been lifted. He almost felt a little suffocated in his own office while having you there— but it's only because of how you make him feel, and now obviously, how he makes you feel. He lets out a hefty sigh, taking off his glasses and rubbing at his eyes before hopping into the Zoom call about budgets and the status of his current grants.

The meeting goes on for so long, it feels like. The whole afternoon is a drag and San feels exhausted by the time it hits 4pm. He's skipping out on the gym today, still a little sore from yesterday's workout. As soon as he wraps up his last meeting, he packs up and leaves, saying goodbye to the one or two heads still lingering in the office area.

He still has enough groceries at home to make it through to the weekend, so he doesn't take any pitstops on the way home. He lets out a huge sigh when he finally pulls into his garage and parks the car, stepping out of his shoes and setting his bag aside in his office. He jogs upstairs to take a hot, steamy shower— enough to help relieve the stress from the week's activities. He throws on some flannel pajama pants and a white tee, heading back downstairs to throw some salmon and vegetables in the oven before cooking rice.

While waiting for his dinner to finish, he settles back down in his office and pulls up your contact info from the text thread just as it's about to hit 5pm. He leans back against the chair, listening to the phone ring on the other line.

"Hi." You pick up so sweetly and it immediately brings a smile to San's face despite his long afternoon.

"Hi. Still a good time to talk?" You sit on your couch, presentation popped up on your laptop.

"Yeah, it is."

"How was the rest of your afternoon?"

"It was okay. I just finished working with Belle on a few things after our meeting."

"Is that going well?"

"Yeah." You chuckle a bit. "I really like working with Sunwoo and Belle."

"I'm glad to hear that. That's all that matters." He pulls up your presentation, clicking through it as his eyes skim each slide.

"How was yours, Professor Choi?"

"Ah, well. Really long. But, it's over with." He laughs. "So, I'm skimming through your presentation and everything looks fine. I think the one thing I'll say is, maybe you should add another slide to talk about the results that didn't pan out well. I know we typically don't do stuff like that, but it helps us discuss what went wrong and what they should've done to get the end result they wanted."

"Oh, yeah. I was thinking about that but wasn't sure if I should."

"You definitely should. Remember what I said about not second-guessing yourself?" He says in a light-hearted tone that has you rolling your eyes and holding in a big smile.

"I know, I know."

"I think the only other thing I'd add is a slide on Figure 2 and 3. It isn't much, but it does relate a lot to what we do in lab. Think you can handle that?"

"Yeah, I can."

"Yeah?" He repeats, sinking into his seat with his legs spread. "Good." He hears you typing away before you sigh, pausing the conversation for a brief moment while you gather your thoughts and take notes.

"What else are you doing this evening, Professor Choi?" You finally break the silence after a few.

"Hm." He hums. "Just talking to you." You can hear the smirk through the phone, see it even. You bite your bottom lip and shift your position on the couch, heat rising to your cheeks— pooling at your core replaying the deep tone he speaks in.

"Nothing else?"

"Don't really need to do anything else while I'm on the phone with you, no." You sit on his statement, hand toying with the string from your sweats. He doesn't need to do anything else because he's on the phone with you? You take it as a compliment, one that has your heart beating through your chest, palms all sweaty again. He was going to be the death of you.

"Y/N! Let's go! I'm hungry!" You hear Felix from the other side of your door, and San does, too. He lets out a silent chuckle, a little sad he's gonna have to let you go eventually.

"Is there anything else I should do?"

"For?" He questions because his mind is running through a million thoughts at once. You are very much talking about journal club, but he's very much thinking about other things; ways to push you and him forward.

"The slides."

"No. That's all, Y/N. It's perfect."

"Thank you."

"Y/N! Please! They have the best menu tonight, we need to go before everyone gets there!" Felix whines, making the rest of your friends laugh as he pounds on the door. "What are you even doing anyway?!"

"I gotta go." You sigh and shut your laptop. "My friends are about to bust my door down." He chuckles.

"Well, hope the call helped, Y/N."

"It did, Professor Choi. All of this did. Thank you again."

"Course. Have a good night."

"You too." San subtly nibbles on his bottom lip as he hears you breathily respond, the tone and sound of your voice immediately doing things to him. He clears his throat to rid himself of the thoughts, to rid himself of the feeling, distracting himself with the unread emails sitting in his inbox and the random announcements for the week.

Well now, Namjoon's sudden group text with him, Jongho, Christopher, Mingi and Yeosang.

namjoon: my brilliant, all-star fellas

chris: oh lord, what is it?

namjoon: 😀 need ya'll to attend the happy hour event

yeosang: to babysit? yaaaay love this time of the year...... !!

namjoon: lol no, just to hang out! please 🥹 gotta show the students we're involved in student life esp at the start of the new quarter. you know this!

jongho: they run around in our labs and play w/ our equipment

jongho: how much more involved do we need to be exactly

san: 🤣 what're the details again? sorry i totally glazed over that email. it's probably in my trash bin actually

namjoon: all that energy put into announcements just for you to trash it 🫤

namjoon: tomorrow, starts at 7pm at the monroe bar

san: i'll be there

mingi: same

yeosang: 🫡

jongho: 👍🏼

namjoon: knew i could trust my boys!

jongho: make the dean give me and san some real estate

namjoon: putting my phone on dnd now 😅

namjoon: jk yes don't worry, i'll work my magic ok. give me a bit of time, but i got you.

namjoon: thanks guys, have a good evening!

San lets out a breath when he sets his phone aside and runs a hand down his face, mustering all the energy he has left to get his dinner together and onto a plate. He can't, though. His thoughts are too stuck on you, and the way you look. The way you act around him. The way you sound on the phone.

With how big the welcome back happy hour event tends to be, there's no doubt you'll be there with your friends. And as much as San is excited to see you outside of the lab, enjoying yourself in a bar with your friends—

He knows it's equally, incredibly dangerous for him.

—taglist: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @vcutparis @chngbnwf @struggling101 @sanhwalvr @angelqueendom @barbielibra @brown88 @choisansplushie @yunhoswrldddd @hyukssunflower @vickykazuya @lucid-galaxys-world @jaytheatiny @pommelex @thespiffynerd @vixensss @santineez @nopension

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

Note

AITA for possibly emasculating my husband?

My husband (27 M) and I (32 F) have recently gotten married and bought a house together. For context, we started dating three years ago, and I immediately fell in love with him. We met through a mutual acquaintance and he asked me out after twenty minutes of conversation. He was a perfect gentleman, incredibly intelligent, very handsome, funny, hardworking and kind. On our third date, when we began to get serious, he told me he was transgender – that he had been born female but transitioned to male in his early twenties. This came as a surprise but didn't really change anything. He was the perfect boyfriend and is currently a fantastic husband. He's not out to most people, but a few mutual friends know.

Since we bought a place together, we've both started jobs in the area. He has a very good full-time job at an office about twenty minutes away, and my job is part-time, about ten minutes away from home and five minutes from his office building. His office building has a fast food place next door where most employees get lunch.

Often, my husband forgets his homemade lunch, and I make sure to bring it to him during my lunch break, or after my shift ends. I take a lot of pride in my cooking, and I want to show off to him, so I like to bring him different kinds of meals, in what I've been told is kitchy and cutesy presentation (I write him a love note on the napkin, or make a heart out of vegetables, or fold a rose out of salami slices, etc.)

I take the elevator up to his office, hand him his lunch, give him a kiss, and then I'm off back to work. It's almost like a ritual of ours, and sometimes I find myself looking forward to him having forgotten his lunch. (Does that make me a bad person?)

A mutual friend of ours who works at my husband's office told me in private that I'm emasculating him by bringing him overly cutesy lunches and, her words, not mine, "fawning over him." She also knows about my husband's past, and is very educated and active in LGBT+ rights outside of work. I'm really not as educated, and I grew up in a conservative immigrant household and neighborhood where I hadn't even encountered anyone LGBT+ until I was in college. When she brought this up to me, it made me incredibly self-conscious, and worried that I wasn't validating my husband's masculinity. Recently, I didn't take him his lunch when he forgot it, and he asked me if I was mad at him when he got home. I assured him I wasn't, but now I'm worried.

I'm also worried to ask him what to do, because I don't want it to seem as though I'm treating him any differently because he happens to be transgender. It's never been an issue before, but now I'm thinking more deeply about our relationship and wondering whether I'm unconsciously emasculating him. I love my husband and don't want to hurt him, but I'm wondering whether I have already, by making him seem less masculine in front of his coworkers.

Am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #if i had a wife that brought me cute little aesthetic lunches made with love i would be too happy to care about what my coworkers thought

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freshlyrage · 4 months ago

Text

Running Like Water

Chapter 32

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: NSFW Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 6k

A/N: I fear its safe to say I don't do well with change. I moved back to school and couldn't find my groove. Who knew I just needed a little ovulation and commute to work time to bang this one out. Chapter 33 will be arriving shortly.

Well Javier was on the floor. Without a complaint. The two of you didn’t stay too long at the fair considering each ride had a wait time of forty five minutes. In the car you decided to keep your hotel but still be open to staying over, when it was appropriate. So now you’re on his bed, back in one of his shirts. Surrounded by him. Criss crossed while he’s sat up on the floor.

“You could come up here.” You offer, removing your rings and placing it on his nightstand. Already claiming his space as your own, too natural for you. The offer has him quirking a brow. It was a test, you know he shouldn’t. Shaking his head.

“I shouldn’t.” He settles into the mattress, pulling the blankets to his shoulders. “We could talk like this.” Grunting from adjusting his newly relaxed body. You move forward on your stomach so that he could see you. Resting your head on your arms. You smile feeling like two kids at a sleepover, whispering and peering over the bed to see if the other fell asleep yet.

“Good you passed that one. Let's continue shall we?”

The game of 21 questions was more like two hundred questions and it continued all the way into the house.

Did you date?

I thought you asked me not to tell you about all of that.

I said I don't want to hear about Camila or Daniela or whoever.

You remember their names?

Yes, I couldn’t sleep and thought about a Camila under you. He flexes his jaw at that.

I went on two dates, which were set up by my partner Steve Murphy and his wife. They ended with goodbyes after dinner. Never spoke to them again.

I went on some dates too.

I don’t want to hear about that. You pinch him on the elbow and he shrugs. We’re different about that stuff, I hate to hear it. You nod and get the urge to apologize but fight it.

Now in bed he clears his throat, “Alright. Tell me what your apartment looks like?”

You smile, “It’s a steal for the area. I actually have a bedroom for the price of a studio. My rooms a bit more eclectic than my one here. My bedding is white but my room walls are a burgundy color. There’s no closet so I have a clothing rack. None of my living room furniture is new… it’s all second hand from stoop sales or whatever. My birds shit without batting an eye so I opted not to be dumb about that. What did yours look like?”

His eyes are closed for a moment like he’s trying to imagine it. “Hmmm.. it was dim in there, always. The kitchen and living room were open, a few steps to lead you to the living room. I had a leather couch and a desk. My television was pretty nice. Nothing was really– mine. I tried not to make it feel lived in because I didn’t want to get attached to that place–that world.” There’s a face that you’ve never really seen from him until you’ve been here. It’s one nearly blank but you know the way his face moves, there's a small crease in his brows and he clenches his jaw. Like talking about Colombia pained him and he has to conceal it. Almost like a child admitting to their faults after a spanking. Quiet, embarrassed, unsure, and on the verge of breakdown. “You would have hated it there.”

Probably. You just nod the best you can while laying down. Waiting for his question.

“Um…” He closes one eye, like it’ll help him think. He opts to go silent for a moment like he conjured a question but was waging his options.

Should I? Is this a line I shouldn’t cross? Is the wound still open? “Have you heard from your father?”

You frown for a second. Off put and taken off guard. Remembering the day, remember the rolling grass, low hanging branches and the cold demeanor from the one person she needed warmth from. Hearing urgent and violent words like I love you. Promising to take care of you.

“No. I never went back there. He never called me even though I’m sure my grandmother told him I moved to Louisiana. I stopped needing him after I got to know him.” You rarely thought of him, just the concept of being without a parent. Then you became an educator and realized that anyone you call family is your own. Your students taught you that, so did Javier years earlier but you suppose maybe you weren’t ready to accept it yet.

Javier hums to himself, staring at the ceiling. Contemplating if he should really share the way he had felt. Afraid it would break some rule in this delicate game you’ve got going. Wondering if you’ll furrow your brow and turn you back to sleep or internalize what’s climbing up, up, up his throat.

“If this is… against your rules you don’t have to say anything or we could move on…”

“Okay.”

Again he can’t look at you. How is it that you reduce him to a shy young boy?

“There’s nothing more that I want in life than to be the father of your kids.” There he goes leaping over the bounds to which he’s left in, but he can’t help it. It’s all he thinks about, all he thought about three years ago and it plagued him every time you spoke of your own father. He doesn’t see you but he can feel your eyes closed, silent, internalizing it all. After all, you'd never turn your back on him. “No one will ever know you like me. Love you, sure, but not as much as me. You’re too easy to love. But I know that you could show me what a mother looks like and I could show you what a father looks like. Our kids will never be in pain the way we were. Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or-or confused. It’s all I thought about when I was away. And I’m so sorry for ever making you think I didn’t want you in that way.” Because he should have known that it was a deep point of insecurity for you, a deep well created by your parents. Urge to be loved, to create something and love it in a much fiercer and kinder way than your parents did you. Lorraine being able to have all that you wanted came like slice to the stomach.

Sniffling, you rub your face into the crook of your arm. Hiding from Javier. He looks this time and he doesn’t try to hold your hand like you’re itching for.

“Thank you… I—.” You wipe your face. Not willing to open the can of worms this could conjure if you just told him straight up that you’d be willing to start now. Fuck the trial, fuck trying to learn each other again, let’s start a family. Be irrational but be happy. You decide to keep it together. You thank him and he knows it’s genuine, you see it in his eyes. He understands your reluctance. “I found that I don’t have the need for many people in my life-“

“I need you.” He says before you. Like he did when he said he loved you. Throat bobbing, he pulls his sheets over him. “I’ll wait for you, until you need me again.”

“Can never get enough of each other huh.” Chucho chuckles while washing his hands in the sink. Boots clean and squeaking against the floor. It was a part of his routine, cleaned his boots every night even if he worked the next morning.

Last night you fell asleep with your face buried into the crook of your arm. Hand dangling off the mattress, grazing Javier’s neck. Need to touch, woke up with a sore arm. Bleary eyed you notice there’s no-body by the bed. Silent but the sound of running water.

That’s how you found Chucho, ready for the day at 8 am. Embarrassingly you pad into the kitchen in Javier’s shirt and boxers.

You shrug, he hands you a cup of coffee. Nodding a thank you, “We have established clear boundaries. We are just spending quality time. We have a lot to make up for.” You say it with a bit of a half awake half still dreaming slur that has Javier’s father beaming.

“Well if that’s what you’re calling it nowadays, so be it. I won’t be back until four pm.” He places his cup down and starts walking away. Your jaw drops and you nearly run after him. But you know he’s fucking with you, his shoulders bounce.

“It’s not like that!” You call and he waves a hand at you over his shoulder and steps straight out of his own home. Screen door slamming with a brisk breeze.

You hear a sneeze, “What’s not like that?” Your head snaps and eyes lock with Javier’s. Freshly showered, hair so wet it droops on his forehead. He looks younger this way. Grey shirt loose with jeans to match. Socked feet, he looks like he doesn’t want you to go anywhere. At least seeing him like this makes you want to find a nest for yourself in his bed. You can’t help but smile at him.

He’s skeptical of your cheery mood. Brows furrowing, nostrils flared but a hint of a smile. He’s cautious, like he knows you’re up to something. You aren’t, at all. You’re just giddy and it’s only been two days and you feel your boundaries loosening. Just wanting to find that place you yearn for. Just run to him now, kiss him, tell him to put a baby in you. Grab, pull, lick, love, whatever came with it. You decide to control yourself a bit.

Your eyes drop to his hands, he’s holding three VHS tapes. Your brows furrow just the same, wondering what movie he wanted to see with you. It wasn’t a thing the two of you ever did. Your time spent was short and only for conversations and kisses. And pot, back before everything. You had to stop smoking after getting your teaching gig.

You want to say something bratty like, assuming I’m staying for some home videos? But you can’t even do that, lord when did you become such a softie? “Big plans?” Is all you can manage to croak.

He shrugs, “Are you staying?” He says it without shame, you know it must take a lot for a man to nearly beg. You know he means please stay.

You look at him once more and down at your boxer clad legs. Shrugging. “I suppose”

Eric Fredricks' family owned a Haitian restaurant off main street. It was a small take out spot that had been bustling with business since 1961. Eric was your classmate. A friend of everyone, known for his large digital camera he carried around school. The loud, goofy kid shoved his damn camera in everyone’s faces. Annoyed or not, he would always say, “When you fuckers are forty you’re really going to appreciate these recordings!”

Well, each year he cut, edited and burned these tapes as his own NR rated yearbook videos. Selling them around school and you bought one each year. He was chill with the price for you just because you always perked up in front of his camera. Ready to gleam and answer whatever stupid questions he had like;

“Andrea, how does it feel to be the worst lacrosse player in Laredo history?”

“Or Andrea, what are your thoughts on today’s LHS Chilli special? “

You always answered with the same slapstick humor he had. You thought you lost these tapes years ago. Javier seemed to remind you that you left them at his house, might’ve been when Javier was in Houston.

He was right, your mother’s VHS player stopped working in 1982. You remember popping these tapes in and watching them during your winter break from Miami. Chucho snoring on the lazy boy, saved him from watching the closest thing he had to a daughter do a keg stand with her skirt flipped up towards her chest.

“I’ve never seen these.” Javier grunts when he straightens back up and walks to sit next to you on the brown couch. A couch with the tendency to swallow you whole. You remember Javier on his knees before you, pillow covering your spread legs while he unlaced your boots.

“Well you left so…” You grab the control and snicker, pressing play.

“Hah. Hand me that.” he gestures to the pack of cigarettes on the side table. You shake your head no and settle into the seat. “Cmon.”

“No. No smoking in the house.” You snap at the tv, “Watch.”

It’s Eric’s face, he’s sitting in his bedroom. “Hello. I’m Eric Fredricks. I’m fifteen and my passion is digital media. The yearbook club is full of hacks and strokes, so I’m going to make my own. The date is September 21st 1979. Ok bye!” the film glitches and the camera makes its way down the hall. Faces of people who you haven’t seen in years. Hairstyles forgotten, thank god. Winks at the camera, sly comments from Eric behind it. He asks questions in his interview segment that would never make it to the school's video yearbook.

“What does Eric do now?” Javier asks. It’s easy to forget that he missed so many crucial moments. He missed the infamous lunch box incident in 81', Laredos first soccer championship, the halloween rager that led to the assembly—all of that. You wonder if that’s normal, for the development of a person. To be plucked out of childhood and forced to be an adult while everyone else got to worry about if their drivers test aligned with their basketball practice schedule. Burdened with the responsibility of a person's livelihood is no place for a seventeen year old.

You bring your knees to your chest, finding the most comfort when you're guided and held. “Last I heard he was doing media production for Saturday Night Live. Like in New York City.”

He feels it too, you see the way his brows quirk. How he almost frowns. “That’s crazy—how different things went for everyone else.” You knew at that moment that the tape would be mere background noise.

“You— you know you made a name for yourself too.”

Hm.

You weren’t sure if that’s what you wished to say. He doesn’t get upset with you for it. He chooses to let it slide and for that you’re grateful because you hadn’t had a clue about what to say to him.

“Yeah.” He chuckles but doesn’t seem to be that amused. He pinches the bridge of his nose, leaning his head against the back of the couch. There’s not much to be said anymore. Lorraine changed the fabric of his being, so did the DEA. And maybe you too. His hand splayed on his knee, knuckles red from repeated trauma to the area. You opted to abandon the topic in general. Seeing his stomach tighten up under the thin fabric of his t-shirt when the choice was your hand on his. Small, soft, against his.

The two of you relish in the harmless intimacy, you give each other this. Tiny touches could be enough.

The two of you watch the bootlegged documentary in mostly silence. Rotating who strokes the other with their thumbs. You think about turning your cheek, kissing him. Pressing close and making out for a bit. A casual make out, breathy and gripping. You decide against it. This would be so easy if it was anyone else but him.

It’s not because you feel like you can’t control yourself—it’s not like a make out with Javier Peña would have your panties at your ankles. You could control yourself more than that. What it is—is that you’ll take advantage of those little liberties. Sneaking kisses at any time and when you go back home, you’ll be lost without it.

Maybe you’re doomed anyway, because if this doesn’t work out you don't know what you’ll do knowing you can’t just hold his hand.

Your brother comes out on halloween with a fang induced lisp drunkenly reciting the alphabet backwards at a party while Eric cackles behind the camera. It makes you laugh so hard you cry, missing being young. Missing your brother.

Lorraine pops up. High ponytail with red cheeks from gym class. Hands on her hips, it’s wrong for such an evil person to be so beautiful. You look at Javier and there’s a frown on his face.

He wonders why she was so bad to him, what he did to deserve to be plagued by her. He regrets knowing her, it’s hard for him to watch her smile.

Then you show up and Javier’s eyebrows raise. “I remember that day.” He mutters. There you are, looking the same just with that baby fat at the apple of your cheeks. Your hair was the closest to its natural brown, your pants were severely high waisted and your shirt a lacy shawl like thing. You’re at a locker taping a flier about lacrosse tryouts when the camera rushes you.

“Andrea Diaz! How does it feel to be Laredos worst lacrosse player?” Javier snorts next to you, squeezing your hand. That’s what he would do, come up to you and ask the dumbest, rudest questions. There, a fifteen year old Andrea rolls her eyes and rolls her thumb to secure the tape.

Crossing her arms, “I’ll answer your dumb questions if you’re nicer about it.” You cringe at the sound of your own voice, sounding awfully juvenile. Javier’s entire demeanor goes soft. All it took was the sound of you—back then, for him to forget the panic in his gut when watching Lorraine in her prime.

“Alright sure-sure- Andrea Diaz how does it feel to be the sexiest girl in all of Laredo?” Eric had quite the country accent, it made every line delivered feel like that of a typecasted movie star.

Quirking a brow, “I wouldn’t know. I could ask your mother.”

“All right that’s enough! You’re impossible to please ,woman!” Eric yells from behind the camera and it fades in little blocks to you getting set up for a keg stand.

You’re in a skirt and a flowing yellow top. Stumbling a bit, Daniel holds your shoulder to keep you upright. You try not to think too hard about the images you’ve left in people’s minds while you were drunk. Javier is getting more and more tense each passing moment. His hold on your hand becomes just a hold and no longer a soothing stroke.

You’re cringing at yourself, flipping your hair and chanting that you could do it while Daniel holds your waist. Hands trailing over your stomach, you almost forget that before Javier you had your fair share of hookups, him your most consistent.

The date on the corner March 1st 1980.

Drunkenly you lean forward and another one of your peers holds your other leg while another shoves a tap in your mouth. The entire party off screen and on, start chanting your name with whoops. That’s when your skirt flips and exposes the plain blue panties.

You cover your eyes.

“I don’t like this.” Is all that Javier can say, on the screen no one covers you until a random classmate of yours, Jenna? Or was it Jessa? Runs to your aid and calls all the men pigs before holding your skirt in its place. You’re dropped down and again you stumble backward into the arms of your pseudo boyfriend.

And then you yak all over the floor.

“Jesus christ I forgot about that.” You rub your eyes afraid to look over at Javier.

“Did—anything-“

“No. Well I think we went to someone’s room and made out. Then I walked home.”

His head nearly falls off his shoulders. “He let you walk home like that?” Javi grits, letting go of your hand.

You shrug, “Dunno, high school shit.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

Your brows furrow, he’s being ridiculous but you know he can’t help it. He wanted—wants, nothing more than to take care of those he loves. You watch the video back, seeing your young eyes and wish to take care of her too. You can’t even imagine him. He only lets you know the surface level of his concern for you. You know it’s more than wishing you had called him.

You had before, panicked and blushing using the party home phone.

You decide calling him ridiculous would be in bad faith. You just lean your head on his shoulder. Moving your hand from his and holding his bicep instead. He looks at you out of the corner of his eye. Face softening along with his tense shoulders. “I don’t know. I was sixteen and stupid. And drunk.” Your cheek feels too good there.

He’s studying you. You wished you could read him in these moments. When he’s so in his head, he’s taking you in completely. “Can you? Now I mean.”

Your lips quirk and the apples or your cheeks redden. Pulling your brows because sometimes he’s too sweet it gives you a toothache. “I live in New York, Javi.”

“I know.” He’s close enough to kiss. “But I want you to call me anyway. If you ever feel unsafe or unsure—i know how twisted a human can be—i’ve seen-“

There it is. He’s cut off by a kiss on his shoulder.

“I will.” It’s a featherlight whisper and he does that thing again. That look, this time with a bit of restraint. The two of you focus on the screen again.

Twenty minutes into the forty-six minute video the two of you revert back to telling stories about the students on the screen and laughing at how high school, your high school experience really was.

“This is great, hottest couple in the school right in front of me.” Eric laughs, camera pointed at the ground then quickly shot up. Blurring than focusing on Javier at his locker. He looked so young, red cap on his head with a Righteous Brothers t-shirt. The image of him as a seventeen year old in your head had been fading for a few years, but now you’re watching him living, breathing and moving as himself. Smiling once he sees Eric approaching him.

“What the fuck was I wearing?”

You laugh, your cheek pressed to his shoulder. “Don’t know but I was obsessed with you anyway.”

He makes one of those grunts where you can’t tell if he’s annoyed with himself or with you. You nudge his shoulder with your chin. “What?”

“Makes me feel like such an asshole.”

All you could do was sigh. You know he’d give it all to do it over again. You look at Lorraine and there seems to be love there. It never fails to make your blood boil. You know that loving Javier can make you feel sick, crazy or desperate. But you suppose her love was selfish. For a while you felt like your own love was selfish, not caring for the consequences. But you suppose it was just a natural progression. Miles away from scheming to keep him forever, by ways of manipulation. The look in his eye isn’t the same since you left him.

A young Javier takes Lorraine’s jaw in his hand and kisses her cheek. She rolls her eyes. “He’s obsessed with me.” She smiles and he mumbles a yeah. Your cheeks heat in a rage that’s so juvenile, you want to turn off the entire thing. Maybe this was a shitty idea. Watching your most insecure and turbulent years in front of you. You were obsessed with him, crying furious tears. Avoiding contact. While he was content with her. It’s a nerve that will always be left exposed.

He clears his throat.

“Were you?” You bite. Removing your head from his shoulder, he sinks at the loss. Leaning forward to get a full image of your face. His brows are pulled together in confusion until they soften when he notices this is nothing but you showing him you are still so into him.

He bites back a smirk and you want to smack it off of his face. “Was I what, querida?”

You swear you will-

“Obsessed with her.” Firm, no room for it to sound like a desperate question. This definitely breaks one of your rules. But fuck it, he’s flawed and so are you,

He shuts an eye and shakes his head no. “I liked her. She was pretty. She was my girlfriend…”

You frown, that title belonged to you.

There he is, an inch away from your face with such intensity. “But I would fuck her, and picture you. I imagined that you’d blush the whole time and would pretend like you couldn’t handle me just so I can fuck you harder. Would have to bury my head where she couldn’t hear because I’d come and say your name.” Your cheeks turn cherry red, just how he likes. Cunt pulsing, it betrays you. You’re so flustered and angry with him you want to lean forward and bite him. He doesn’t waiver, he leans much closer. You shudder, feeling crowded by his body. He has the strength to do what he’d like with you, you’re sure you’d put on a fight until you’re unable to lie anymore. You had been soaked the whole damn time. “What? Have I broken your rules?” He whispers, nose nudging your own lightly. You can’t help it, your mouth parts searching for his—

But he backs away and laughs at you. He laughs! Shaking his head like you’re some bastard child. Leaning back cooley and pressing play again. Lorraine’s voice ringing through the speakers.

Absolutely not.

You sit in silence. Staring at him while he’s glued to the image of him and his ex girlfriend. Your chin quivers, and you clench around nothing.

“G-give me the remote.” You blurt. Chest falling, bubbling with anger. He doesn’t look at you but smirks. He ignores you. Eyes welling with tears. “Javi.”

More silence. More her. You reach for his hand and he doesn’t look at you. He isn’t looking at you… so you pounce.

Jumping into his lap, clawing at him while he laughs and hurriedly finds different ways to keep you away from the remote. You’re seeping through your underwear and onto his boxers, your cunt rolling against his crotch unintentionally.

Your brows screw—“Just—Javi please turn it off.” He chuckles again and he’s all of this without focusing on the pain you’re in. Emotionally, sexually, whatever. You reach around him lifting your hips to get ahold of the controller but you lose again. Bouncing on his lap a bit. He grunts.

“Javi— Please- I’m not kidding.”

The tv shuts off with a wiring tone and his eyes finally land on your own. All the playfulness leaves when he realizes. And you feel like a heat sick kitten, rubbing on yourself this way. His brow raises, eyes falling to your tear stained cheek and down your grinding hips. You drop your face into his shoulder. At first he doesn’t touch you, he just watches you. Nose nudging your cheek. Wondering why after everything you’d give it up just to come quick like this.

“Hey… hey.” He whispers at the shell of your ear. “Fuck—Andrea—“

You can only whimper into the crook of his neck. Taking your feel for the girl in those tapes, for the girl who dreamt of him while he did the same. It drove you crazy, it made you violent and horny. “Baby…” His big hands span from your shoulder blades down to the small of your back and then splayed on your ass. Spreading you and rolling you harder. He grunts again. “Andrea… I can’t—we said we wouldn’t—I'm sorry for teasing you—cmon.” His hands move from your behind, come to your front, at your waist and lightly push you away from him.

He’s impossibly hard now, his tan cheeks have a bit more color now. He’s sweating. Feeling embarrassed, you freeze. Eyes dropped to his lap, cunt begging you to move again. You feel the length of him under you, mocking you. You shouldn’t. You know. You know he’s sorry for how rushed and stupid Christmas eve was. You’re still ticked off by it, but he’s doing so good for you.

“I’m sorry… we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Is all you can muster out.

“You know I want to.” He rushes, leaning forward so he can hold your face, it just makes him shift against you again. Your brows furrow at the release.

“Okay…” A drop of sweat builds at the nape of your neck, the both of you are so turned on you’ll fuck each other if you keep this up. “Can we…can I…” You swear if he brings up your rules again you’ll crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment.

He juts his chin at you, egging you to complete your sentence.

You think you’ll die before you say it. Your face brightens real red and you shimmy out of his hold. You crawl off his lap and mutter to yourself. “Sorry, it’s stupid. I should just go.”

He catches your wrist and sits you back down next to him. “Tell me.”

“It’s stupid! And gross probably.”

“We aren’t children.”

You’ve been so open sexually until now. You felt twenty two again, never having orgasmed with another person, afraid to tell him what you wanted. He gave you it all.

“Can we— or can I touch myself?”

Javier’s eyes darken, “You want to touch yourself.”

God it’s like he’s trying to humiliate you.

“Yes.”

He clenches his jaw so tight. “Can I watch? Or do you want to go to my room alone?”

Idiot.

“Can we do it together? Now.” You can’t let the moment pass.

Well, he can’t either. His nostrils flare and he places his hand on his belt. Unbuckling so fast you can’t help but watch. You watch him unbuckle and unzip while you shimmy out of his boxers. His eyes glued to your movements. You feel filthy exposing yourself like this. He lifts his hips and pulls his jeans down a bit, the heft of his cock making a print through his underwear. You remember leaning down and pressing your lips along his bulge once. You’d like to do it again.

You circle your fingers along your clit over your panties. He palms himself.

“Tell me what to do.” You whisper.

“Oh.” He reaches into his boxers and pulls his length out. Your pussy clenches at the sight, a thatch of hair at the base and curved. You touched yourself to the thought of it. You pull your panties down and lift one leg up on the couch, spreading yourself open. “Give me your fingers.”

You furrow your brow but remove them. Bringing your hand to him. His free hand grasps your wrists and he takes no time, he puts the same two fingers in his mouth. You gasp, while he sucks, stroking his dick at the same time. Your fingers are impossibly wet when he stops. Your wrist is still in his hold. “Don’t put any fingers in until I tell you. Just play with your clit for a little.”

You nod, bringing your fingers back to it. Moving in tight circles. Javier’s fist is dry, working his way up and down his shaft— your lips gather with drool—you want to-

“Spit on it. If you want. Or I can.” He reads your mind. You take no time, moving to your knees, your knees knocked together giving you a tighter squeeze for your fingers. Feels even better. You lean into his lap, back arched like a kitten.

Javier groans at the sight. You desperately want to put your mouth on him—my rules, my rules. Spit drips from your mouth and onto the red head of his pretty cock. His hand comes to the back of your head and you moan, wishing he’d push down and force himself into your mouth. But he just strokes the back of your head instead. You lean back into the arm of the couch, you’re no longer side by side. Your whole body is barred for him, you bring your free hand under your shirt. Grabbing your breast and rolling your fingers over your nipples.

He uses your spit and moans audibly now. Grunting in his low baritone, you collect your slick and use it for slip. Your stomach tenses, “Put your finger in. Middle.” You nod and feel even more unsatisfied. “Fuck, I missed that pretty little face you make when something goes inside your cunt.”

“Javi…” You whine throwing your head back, fucking yourself with your small finger.

“I know—fuck.” Pre-cum gathers all over the tips of his fingers. You’ll ask to lick his hand clean when you’re done. “I know your cunt wants my cock again—I’m sorry I can’t.”

“It’s not enough.” Your knees knock together in protest.

“I know-I know. Add another baby. Ring.” You watch his stomach go taut so he slows down his strokes. Licking his lips at the sight of you adding another. “Mm. I miss you so much.” He shudders.

“I’m right here.”

“Please don’t leave me—fuck.” He whines, it’s so unlike him. You watch his tip surge through the tight hole he’s made for himself, he’s close but you’re closer. You can’t believe it’s him asking you this. “I want to follow your rules—show you I’m good—but please let me kiss you.”

The ridges of your fingers aren’t enough, you use your other hand to circle your clit without permission. He’s so caught in his emotions that he doesn’t seem to care that you touched yourself without his command.

He tells you what to do but truly he’s at your will. His eyes well with tears and his brows are pulled together. “Let me take care of you, I’ll do everything you say if you let me kiss you—“

“I can’t— I’m going to come!” Your back arches and it builds. You can’t see him now but you hear his pace, his fist slapping against his base. You writhe and shiver and it comes crashing down. You come hard, you mutter I’m sorry, over and over. And he groans at the sight, you can’t give him what he wants.

You can try and give him something else. You catch your breath and open your eyes. Your own come dripping to the inside of your thighs. He watches in pain, “Baby—” You whisper, fuck that’s against the rules probably. He nods, submissive suddenly. “Come here, come on my cunt.” You want to be marked, he’s yours.

“Andrea—“ still he’s fighting his need to follow your rules.

You nod, “It’s okay, come here.” He lets his length go at once, it twitches at the sudden abandonment. You lean forward and grab his arms, and he finally climbs over you. Reluctant, “Please Javi. Let me have what I want.” Were you power tripping? Yeah. But it was always him in control. You open your legs and he clenches his jaw. “Do you want me to finish it?”

He shakes his head no, you know he wants it. Still he tries to be good. You begin to touch yourself under him. He begins to jerk himself off inches away from your cunt. Your knuckles brush against each other and you're already climaxing again. He slaps faster, breathing heavily in the crook of your neck.

“Fuck—move your hand.” You do and he’s coming all over you. It shoots and covers the new growth of hair, it's warm against the bare part of you. Dripping and he instinctively slides his twitching, softening cock between your folds. The two of you gasp when just the tip of his cock prods your hole. Gasping at the way you pulse for him for that one second like muscle memory. “Sorry.” He mumbles, taking a hold of his still twitching and leaking length. He panics and tucks himself back into his boxers before he relaxes himself on you.

He’s catching his breath, you think he’s crying against your shoulder.

“It’s okay.”

You hold the back of his head, hoping to soothe him.

He had done this for you countless times. You find no issue doing it for him.

#fic!rlw #javier peña #javier peña x ofc #javier pena fanfiction #javier pena x you #javier peña smut #ao3 #fanfic #javier peña narcos #javier pena x reader

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luigiblood · 5 months ago

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Why Nintendo 64 - Nintendo Switch Online is shit

I have been very critical of Nintendo 64 - Nintendo Switch Online since the beginning, not only the very noticeably broken graphics emulation was certainly a case that everyone understood, but it did certainly make me completely avoid the Expansion Pack subscription entirely for a year because that was genuinely shit in 2021.

Now how is it in 2024? Well, it's not that much better. They did fix a lot of problems during that time for sure, and that's something that we do need to acknowledge to do at least something resembling fair criticism.

Current context

That one Dark Link room in Ocarina of Time was fully fixed, as the fog and even transparency emulation was just outright broken, somehow worse than its Wii U Virtual Console counterpart (which was already not very good), it also affected other games like Super Mario 64 where the fog was actually not correct, but oddly enough, it's not as much of a problem in Super Mario 3D All-Stars, and I'm not entirely sure what happened between that and Nintendo Switch Online for it to have such a massive emulation downgrade.

I've done some analysis of the software, though not a ton because I don't have that much time to waste reverse engineering emulators. Through that, I found out that iQue was responsible for the Nintendo 64 emulator on Wii U and Switch, because of the emulator framework, named "TRL," being 100% identical to their NES and GBC emulator for 3DS, confirmed to be iQue through leaked source code among other things, and the debug menu is seen on Wii U if you have more than one game ROM in the folder, and it's just like the 3DS one.

The Wii U Virtual Console N64 emulator was already seen as worse than its Wii VC counterpart, mainly due to the dark filter, but that thing has nothing to do with the emulation quality it was providing, aside from apparently some additional slight input lag on top of the already massive input lag which I find mindboggling, the graphics emulation was already considered worse than on Wii, a lot of issues that people saw on NSO were already on Wii U VC, which turned into a massive mess of complaints because, yeah, it turns out the Wii U was just not successful, but the Switch is, making obvious complaints very much more important.

The Dark Link room just happened to be using a bunch of graphical features at once which made it very noticeable when they don't work as intended. When I discussed this with other people, I couldn't help but feel terrible at the answer I get: "It's good enough."

This response annoys me to no end, but in truth, yes, the games are playable, nowadays graphically you probably wouldn't tell the difference from the real N64 with an untrained eye, and in fact, so am I at times too. But the problem is that it now becomes an actual history rewrite of how the game actually was, and you could still say that you would prefer the N64 games now than before with better framerates, better resolution, all that.

Better performance is always better?

Now this is still more of an opinion piece so here's my opinion about better framerate and better resolution: It's fucking misguided. Doing better framerate and better resolution works a lot better for games after that generation than the 32-bit and 64-bit era of the mid 90s to 2000, because the graphics looks a lot better for it and the standards are closer to the current era that we're in.

For N64 however, simply running the game better does not work as well as it should most of the time, and, frankly, seeing big polygons in 720p does not work as well as it should for most games. 2D games especially suffer from this and get some really weird filtering that just bothers me, especially in games like Yoshi's Story and Harvest Moon 64, where the emulator seemingly can't decide whether the graphics should be almost pixel perfect, or become vaseline.

Speaking of vaseline, where's the anti-aliasing? The N64 is very much known for its blurry anti-aliasing! While I'm pretty much immune to aliasing myself, I can still see it's not really respecting the original N64 very well about that, and it only deepens one of the biggest history rewrite of the N64 nowadays, where most people is more likely to look at badly emulated footage of a N64 game than seeing the game running on the original system, and this really bothers me that when you have every single other system on the service to care about this to the point of having a CRT screen filter, and even outright and pretty faithful reproductions of the Game Boy series' screens, N64 is the only one that forces you to play in its uglier HD resolution with no actual option to play games in their original resolution with some CRT filter or not, and that is just a real evidence of a lack of care to me compared to the rest of the systems.

When it comes to better framerates however, as much as I love that (Pilotwings 64 on NSO is actually one of the few experiences I can recommend on it), a lot of the games' speed are tied to the framerate, potentially making games harder than they should due to its speed being more accounted for the actual system, and sometimes, causing actual desync problems that iQue had to implement ways to manually slow the framerate down in specific moments of games just to account for it, but this only works for games that can run faster than intended. A lot of games sometimes have their framerate completely capped and doesn't run any faster.

But emulating the N64 lag is genuinely complex, and it's a problem that's not fully solved to this day even on unofficial N64 emulation, because there's way too many factors to take into account that it would probably take too much performance to figure out where it should take more time to process or not, so, on this one, I have a bit of sympathy about that as a developer, but it is still possible to roughly approximate that, even if the result can be weird; but I don't seem to notice any legit attempts about that.

Besides, a lot of people would be annoyed about the N64 lag and bad framerates, but to me if you want better framerates, in my opinion, it would be done differently, and unofficial emulation absolutely can deal with it in ways that isn't intrusive to the game's performance: If you played the N64Recomp PC port of Majora's Mask, you would know this, as RT64, the new graphics plugin powering this port (and hopefully emulators soon), actually handles interpolation between frames, allowing better framerate without sacrificing the game's performance to be better or worse than intended, and it makes for some real impressive results while still being relatively low in cost. For me this seems like a potential avenue to attempt to ease in comfort with N64 games.

Is N64 emulation really that hard?

…frankly, if you asked me this question 10 years ago, I would have said yes, at least to my understanding back then, but also now. But if you ask me this same question now, the answer is no, mainly because of brand new standards that actually makes a huge difference in how to handle N64 emulation in current systems, even through unofficial emulation.

I know it's very easy to mock unofficial N64 emulation as relatively hard to play, and this I would agree with, but this problem is purely user faced now. The old problem of unofficial N64 emulation was mainly that not many people were doing work on it and their time is just not infinite, but that is very much changing nowadays.

The Nintendo 64 is actually a well understood system, additional research are still being done, but for the most part, we can understand the N64 to a decent degree. The actual bottleneck of N64 emulation was actually how to emulate it on current systems, when we were stuck to older graphics API standards like OpenGL and DirectX 9.

However, a shakeup happened since with Vulkan and DirectX 12, allowing deeper GPU control. This, is actually one of the most important events of computing that actually unlocked bigger N64 emulation potential and finally get rid of problems that plagued N64 graphics emulation and it started with an adaptation of THE most accurate N64 graphics plugin as Parallel-RDP, and its extremely good, but its pretty much asking on performance and requires a decent GPU (no need for the latest stuff though).

Unfortunately, not much happened since on that field, due to as I said before, a lack of developers, but now RT64 exists, and is made to be extremely performant, and especially made to be accurate without relying on any game specific code for it, which is extremely impressive and shows a lot of potential for the future, while providing tons of new features that allows enhancements like frame interpolation and more. RT64 was fully enabled because of Vulkan and DirectX 12, else it would simply not exist!

Now why did I talk about this stuff that's seemingly unrelated to NSO? Well remember that Majora's Mask PC port I talked about earlier that uses RT64? I saw that thing running on Nintendo Switch, seemingly perfectly fine, with enhancements as well.

This makes me look at N64 NSO differently, and with even more criticism than before. Instead of making good graphics emulation through Vulkan, they seemingly instead just ported the graphics emulation from Wii U VC's GX2 API to Vulkan. That isn't without effort, but it is quite frankly lazy, and means that whatever they're doing, they're not using the technology at their disposal to the fullest, especially since Vulkan is a standard that applies to pretty much every current GPU under the sun now, whatever the work is done here, it would likely work on the long term, especially the next systems after the Switch. Why Nintendo did not allow that is just sad, and a waste of time. RT64 was done by mostly a single developer, and while it took many years to be developed, these years could have been reduced a lot more if it was handled by a team fully dedicated to this, with possibly even more cutting edge to it. The ingredients are there, but the recipe was just botched.

Genuine trust issues with the quality

But aside from all this stuff I just talked about, if you didn't understand much of it, hopefully this part should help you understand other issues that I have with N64 NSO.

Remember that the first version of N64 NSO was graphically buggy, and while they did fix that over time, new games sometimes were outright buggy and possibly game breaking:

When they added Paper Mario to the service, while the game did actually receive some improvements over the Wii U VC emulator, the game, somehow, was more prone to crashes. If you game over with Watt as a partner, the emulator crashes, and you lose your progress. If you have the curiosity of hitting trees with your hammer, one of them in the snow town actually crashes the game too! Thankfully both were fixed, but you still needed to wait months! If you had no idea why crashes could be caused as Nintendo just never warns about that stuff, that is genuinely inconvenient.

When they added Kirby 64; the western version actually had a game breaking bug that makes you softlocked if you get hit in a particular way underwater. That is genuinely a terrible bug that could affect just about anybody playing the game. Thankfully, they fixed it the next week, but that REALLY shouldn't have happened to begin with!

There's also the smaller problems like Yoshi's Story's boss, Inviso, where the point of the boss is to be invisible. Except he's very visible at all times making the point of the boss moot and any respect to the original game gone. For some fucking reason, they took more than a year to finally fix it, and that's just a huge shame.

There's also how Jet Force Gemini had a worse widescreen mode and somehow thought it was good for release, thankfully fixed 2 months after, but you still had to wait 2 months!

And then F-Zero X still has genuine framerate problems to this day where the game just runs worse over time. That game is known to run a perfect 60 FPS on the original system, so there's no excuse here.

I could also mention Goldeneye and Perfect Dark, but just look up Graslu's videos on them, he has done a full comparison, showing what's wrong with them with enough detail.

For these, I just mentioned the glaring issues plaguing several games, but a lot of times these issues just comes on their addition to the service, and then only gets fixed months later; and for me, that's an actual disrespect to the player. I understand the developer is doing their best here, but frankly, what that looks like to me is a legit constant: they visibly seems just scrambling to get games to work to a "good enough" state. I am NOT accusing iQue of this, however I accuse Nintendo to not have taken any measures to stop having these kinds of problems to begin with.

To speak better of iQue, they seem to be good at reverse engineering, as they do patch games to fix issues, or sometimes just modifications like anti-epilepsy measures or other kinds of hacks.

The controls

I had some really bad things to say about the controls, but it got partially invalidated when I played Perfect Dark on the service to see how bad it got. I think I simply overthought about it.

Now I have an opinion about the controls of Goldeneye and Perfect Dark that will not please people: They're… fine. The default controls I mean. I know people have some real aversion to FPS that doesn't use a double stick, but frankly I dare say those controls didn't age as badly as you'd think. Some people say it's best played on a N64 controller but I don't agree about that, it's also okay on a regular Switch Pro Controller.

Turok however, oh boy, the default controls can be a double stick FPS… except it's reversed. That's where the ability to remap controls would be very useful here, or possibly just one moment where better forced control setups would be actually nice here.

Or how Pokémon Stadium has minigames that uses actually both the D-pad and the Stick, it could be great if the right Stick acted like the N64 Stick at that moment on a Pro Controller instead of the C Buttons!

Instead, I sometimes get told it is an excuse to get the (frankly expensive) N64 controller. Fuck no. I should not be forced to buy that, and I actually dislike using that controller, and I played tons of N64 games through emulation with different controls without having serious issues either, so for me, this isn't an excuse. Wii U VC also provided button remapping!

The forced use of ZL as the N64 Z button, and L for N64 L button for every game, also bothered me. I know they care about consistency, but then, I got actually curious to check how they handled Z and L on Wii and Wii U VC… and holy shit. They handled it right from the start. On Wii they actually just used the L button for the N64 Z button! But, the N64 B and A buttons do correspond to the B and A buttons on the current controllers regardless. Though, on that one, for most games, it's not as much of a bother, but if you're playing games like, let's say Wave Race 64 or F-Zero X, this is particularly worse.

F-Zero X has the use of strafing left and right, so I'll let you imagine how worse that sounds if you use ZL and R. NOT ZR, that's for C Buttons macros on the face buttons. It feels horrible and unintuitive, but also there's how the B and A buttons on N64 are vertical, and you just use your thumb on both buttons, making it easy to boost or to soften bounces on waves in Wave Race 64, which is a pretty darn important thing to understand, but instead you have to handle it on horizontal B and A buttons, making it a slight bit more annoying to your thumb, physically speaking. It just feels unintuitive and actually bad for your thumb, frankly.

It's where I wish games would actually make either ZR or R buttons to be swapped depending on the title, to be the R button and C button macro, and also offer an option to rotate the face buttons so that B and A would be placed on Y and B instead, corresponding more to the actual feeling of the N64 controller.

Sin & Punishment is oddly enough the only game of the bunch that comes with slightly custom controls, more adapted to the game, and I'm sorta glad that they bothered.

Just to go back to the N64 stick emulation, I also wish the sensitivity of it was managed better on current controllers. It really seems like when some games run faster than intended, added with the fact the stick isn't reproduced faithfully, some games are a lot harder to play, especially with Joy Cons if that's your only and basic options, where for example, turning the camera is way faster and you just keep wanting to reposition all the time.

Missing features

Man, imagine emulating the Controller Pak for the ability to save in games that only uses it instead of battery backed save memory in the cartridge, but then, literally never use it, ever.

Well that's what happened to Wii U VC and N64 NSO. iQue has actually emulated it, but for some reason, they never use it, and I just do not understand why, especially in games where the Rumble Pak isn't supported.

Speaking of the Rumble Pak, it is emulated, but there's one thing I just do not understand: Why isn't there code to automatically swap the Controller Pak and Rumble Pak? They have the best ways to actually handle this in ways that is pretty transparent and unobtrusive, but somehow, they don't bother with it, and it's just very strange. I know the N64 games are weird about it, but some outright allow to swap them, sometimes they even bother to remove the No Controller Pak message in Winback, but in other games they don't even bother removing the Rumble Pak swap message. It's just inconsistent and weird.

We don't have Transfer Pak emulation unfortunately, but that one, I can partially understand, it's definitely a bit messy, but it would still have been cool to play Mario Tennis and Mario Golf with your GBC characters and to level them up on the N64 games. Instead, in Mario Tennis GBC, you actually get the Transfer Pak content unlocked from the start, which is still pretty cool of Nintendo to care, and a mere reminder that they do care about these details in other apps. But in Mario Tennis on N64 NSO, the Transfer Pak courts are yet to be unlocked.

Then there's the wish to see 64DD emulated, which they initially did some work towards that back on Wii U VC, but then simply never touched in years, and then removed the code after I noticed they tried to support the fanmade cartridge ports of them. It's probably just for testing though, I don't really care that they do it like that, but I would think it's particularly crass had they used them officially on the app. This has yet to be seen again, so I don't have my hopes up. Here's hoping the Nintendo Museum made them care though, considering Doshin The Giant 64DD actually showed up there.

The future

I think I pretty much said what I wanted to say the most in one place. It might have been a little hard to read, but I really wanted to make my points very clear.

When I look at N64 NSO vs the rest of the service, I just cannot help but see how worse it is in general, I have genuine trust issues as it is very badly managed as games get added but then doesn't run properly, only to get resolved, if it does, only months later. It just makes me want to put off for later any time I wanna play a N64 game on that service, and I really want to love that service, I want to recommend y'all the biggest N64 library so far that Nintendo has given us that surpasses both Virtual Console libraries on Wii and Wii U, but I just can't.

Unfortunately, I don't see the future to be that bright. I see no reason to believe Nintendo has done any big efforts to allow a better N64 emulator, and of course, Nintendo has never really addressed complaints, and I partially blame the "good enough" feeling. When I read ArsTechnica to make an article just to complain about the borders after the N64 NSO ordeal, it just makes me feel like no matter what, this bigger complaint of mine across all of N64 NSO just cannot be seen seriously. It's a much bigger problem than borders (though, I agree, they should allow more, including pitch black borders).

I don't see any reason for Nintendo to read this either, but that's my full impressions of N64 NSO so far. Nintendo 64 NSO is just shit, and disrespectful to the legacy of the N64.

I outright accuse it to force people to buy a N64 controller just to play it correctly, which definitely worked as it definitely was out of stock several times, but if that's truly what they aimed for, then it's an app that doesn't know what audience it wants. If it aimed to be played by casuals, they'll be put off by the controls. If they aimed for the hardcore, they'll find problems, no matter what.

And it really cannot be helped when the emulator is clearly designed for the developers to manually fix problems per game instead of having a better emulator overall.

#nintendo switch online #nintendo 64 #rant

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mohnaka · 19 days ago

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So, in regards to Hondo in Skeleton Crew since it's something I keep seeing people ask about: it was confirmed that he won't be appearing. Here's the specific bit from the article:

I’ve seen speculation that a live-action Hondo Ohnaka will appear in Star Wars: Skeleton Crew. True or false? –Corey A freighter resembling Hondo’s was spotted in the distance at Port Borgo in Episode 2, but series creators Chris Ford and Jon Watts confirmed for me that we won’t be meeting the Clone Wars pirate. “We’ll rip off that Band-Aid and say no, we don’t have any Hondo,” Ford told TVLine. “Honestly, we love Hondo, but there wasn’t really a part in our story that offered a good enough role for him. Like, if we were trying to cast him in this, he would be like, ‘This part is not big enough for Hondo!'” Which is not to say Skeleton Crew, in success, won’t ever feature the interstellar buccaneer. “We would love to keep doing this,” Ford said, “and keep exploring the whole pirate side of the galaxy, and build up to that.”

There's always the chance they could be lying, but considering the wording, I don't think they are. But! He is coming in the next dlc for Star Wars Outlaws! No exact release date yet, sometime in spring. If you haven't played it yet, I highly recommend it.

Now on a side note, something else I've seen a lot of people ask/say in regards to Hondo showing up in media set after Rebels: isn't he already super old/dead/etc? Long story short, no. Short story long because I'm autistic and don't know when to shut up under the read more:

If you were somehow unaware (hoping that doesn't come off as judgmental, it's more of a surprised thing I swear!), he's actually a part of Galaxy's Edge aka "the Star Wars land" at Disneyland/Disney World, which is supposed to take place in between The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker (so about 34 ABY). Or at least it was initially, they've been kind of loosening it up lately, but the two rides (Rise of the Resistance and Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run, the latter of which Hondo is basically the star of) are still in that specific time range. So he's not dead nor is he going to die in anything set before the sequels (but then again, "Hondo Ohnaka survives every time", could be the Force keeps bringing him back to life to fuck with everyone).

In Legends, the approximate lifespan for his species (Weequay) was about 90 years of age. There's been no word on whether this is still canon or it's been made longer, but if it is still canon, it does give us an idea of how old he was in the various eras. If we're to assume he's somewhere between 80 to 85 years of age in 34 ABY (Lando, who he's shown to be on good terms with in issue 4 of the Halcyon Legacy comic, is 77/78 years in 34 ABY for reference), that would make him:

Between 25 to 30 years old when he's first introduced in The Clone Wars

Between 42 to 47 years old when he's first introduced in Rebels

And last but not least, between 55 to 60 years old in 9 ABY, which is (supposedly) when The Mandalorian/Skeleton Crew/etc takes place

Somewhere in the middle is most likely, since the younger estimate would put him at only 14 years old in 32 BBY (during The Phantom Menace), but 17 to 19 years old isn't that wild considering what we've seen older kids/teenagers deal with in this franchise. It's not completely unrealistic that someone with a background like his would be just starting off leading a group of pirates in his late teens.

Anyway, what's he been up to since Rebels? He actually founded his own Totally Legitimate Shipping Company, Ohnaka Transport Solutions, sometime in between 1 ABY and 4 ABY prior to the Battle of Endor. It's currently (as in, 34 ABY currently) based in Black Spire Outpost on Batuu, though whether it was always there is unknown. Also at some point he got himself a ship that he named the Katooni...yes, like that Katooni. In fact, it's the one mentioned in the above interview about Hondo appearing in Skeleton Crew, so in a sense, he might have already had a indirect cameo!

Sources for most of this/recommended reading: Pirate's Price, The Secrets of the Bounty Hunters, and Halcyon Legacy #4. If you're looking for Hondo content outside the shows, read these. Especially Pirate's Price if you've always wondered what it'd be like if Han and Hondo met. And as previously mentioned, Halcyon Legacy #4 has him with (the real) Lando.

#hondo ohnaka #skeleton crew #star wars #oh god why is this so long. i didn't mean it to be this long #i haven't even reblogged any skeleton crew stuff yet!#i love it though!

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wintvies · 1 month ago

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reviewing my lip products 🪽

since the year is coming to an end, i wanted to review all of my lippies that i’ve used this year, and evaluate if i’ll repurchase some of them next year, or if i’ll leave some of these behind in 2024 ৻ꪆ

nyx fat oil lip drip

definitely one of my favourite products of the year! it has a very nice formula and moisturises my lips very nicely! i recommended this to many people already/gifted this lip oil, and everyone only has good things to say about it. i also really like the applicator, because it just feels very satisfying to me. 🌝 you do have to reapply this every few hours, but it’s still a very good lip oil imo, and it also gets bonus points for the affordable price. 9.5/10

essence extreme shine volume lipgloss

it’s a pretty good lipgloss. for me personally, this is what got me into makeup, so i would definitely recommend this if you’re just starting out! it’s also very affordable and the shades are pretty too. but, it’s really sticky. 😭 one blow of the wind and that lipgloss will be holding your hair strands hostage. 7/10

nyx slick click

imo it's a pretty solid glossy lip balm. the packaging is very compact, but since the packaging has a click-pen design, it gets really difficult to get some of the lip balm out, when the tube is almost empty. other than that, it's pretty good. it moisturises your lips well, and since this product is a lip balm, it's not too sticky either. it lasts for a few hours, but if you eat/drink anything, you'd definitely have to reapply it. but since the package only contains 2g, and costs 10 euros i probably wouldn't repurchase this. 5.8/10.

maybelline color sensational lipstick

i think this is a good everyday lipstick! it has a pretty lightweight and creamy formula, which i really liked, and it stays on for about four hours. the lipstick has a good amount of pigment, and all around, it's pretty solid. if this ran out, i'd probably repurchase it, since it's a nice staple to have in my makeup bag. 💖 6.8/10.

kiko velvet passion matte lipstick

this lipstick is a little similar to the previous one, since they both have lightweight formulas. but, while the maybelline one has a little bit of a glossy effect, this one is completely matte. as for the formula/texture, i really liked the texture of this lipstick! it feels very soft and velvety, and it's really satisfying to apply it imo. my only issue with this lipstick is that it really emphasized the texture of my lips by the four hour mark, and sometimes it also dried my lips out a little. other than that, it's nice, and i think i'd repurchase it! 7/10

essence what a tint!

it's a pretty good tint. i saw a couple of people saying about how it was better than benetint, but i can't really give you my opinion on that, since i'm too broke for benetint! 💖 as for the color, it was wayyy to pink for me. 😭 like it was HOT pink. neon marker pink. idk, i think that color def suits some people, but it most definitely is NOT my color!! but on a positive note, it is strong. it will not move once you put it on. i put a little bit of it on my hand to test it out again, and it didn't move AT ALL for around three to four days. in conclusion, it's a good product, just not for me! 5/10.

nyx butter gloss

I LITERALLY LVOE THIS PRODUCT SO MCUH!!!!!!!!!!! it is truly one of my favorite lip glosses of all time and i do NOT care that i bought it not too long ago. the shades are really pretty, and there's a large variety of shades too (32 to be exact). also, the texture is very good, imo. the lip gloss just feels so smooth, and it isn't really sticky either, unlike some other glosses. i also really liked the fragrance, which is surprising, since i usually don't like how lip glosses smell. the only cons i can think of is that it needs to be reapplied often, especially after eating. other than that, the nyx butter gloss is literally so amazing, especially for the affordable price. i would literally buy a bazillion of these if i could. 10/10.

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cawyden-gaming · 1 year ago

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Rogue Trader - Party Banter

Unfortunately, party banter in the game is kind of broken - it hardly triggers and I had several cases where the timing/trigger was bad as I had already clicked on an exit or other item what then interrupted the banter. There is also banter for events that haven't happened (yet) or with companions not even present (or recruited).

But there is quite a lot banter in voiced and unvoiced form in the game.

For the voiced banter there are two videos online that you can find here:

Part 1

Part 2

I have gone through the videos and banters and wrote down the timestamps and dialog that features Heinrix (as speaker or if companions speak about him).

You can find it here. (-> opens excel in google drive)

Please keep in mind that I am not a native speaker and while I used the help of (generated) subtitles there were words that I did not really understand (especially with Ulfar). I added a ? in these cases.

Still, it should give you an overview about the (voiced) banter available and where to jump to in the video if you want to listen to it.

There is of course the unvoiced banter too, but that is not featured here.

There is a lot of romance related banter in video 1 and more act/main story related ones in video 2.

There is also a mentioning of absent Achilleas, a master of ceremonies with memory issues, Abelard scolding Heinrix for being interested in the RT, sassy Heinrix everywhere...

Some examples:

Party banter video 2 - time 00:08:09

Ulfar: *growling at Heinrix*

Heinrix:

Thank you, my Lord Ulfar. I'm in good health and I hope you are as well. I am pleased that we are starting to get along.

Party banter video 2 - time 00:41:40

Marazhai:

My mere presence makes you shake with rage – I do not even have to do anything to you... delightful.

Heinrix:

Yes, I … you... damn it! I'm so angry, I can't even speak! Enough! I'll deal with you later.

(-> the VA is evenf more incredible here, you can hear him shaking)

Regarding Heinrix in Commoragh / healing:

Party banter video 2 - time 00:24:32

Heinrix:

Lady Cassia, there is no need to look at me like that. I assure you, I am perfectly fine.

Cassia:

Do I not deserve the truth from you even in this place master van Calox? I can see the flashes of scarlet that accompany your every movement.

Party banter video 2 - time 00:35:12

Jae:

Why are you limping like that? Haven't you healed yourself?

Heinrix:

It is a long process. I could try to hide my infirmity I suppose, but I'm not as accomplished an actor as you are, Shereen

Party banter video 2 - time 00:35:25

Idirah:

Those crazy screams in the lab the whole time I was there, that was you, wasn't it iceman? How did you survive that?

Heinrix:

My fervent desire to boil a few hundred xenos in their skin on my way out of here, proved stronger than death.

So, while he says he healed himself and is fine, he really isn't...

#rogue trader #rogue trader spoiler #rogue trader heinrix van calox #heinrix van calox #rogue trader rpg #rogue trader crpg #rogue trader party banter

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lesfir · 9 months ago

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The charming Dark Side

In the supplement to "Triumph of Evil", I'd like to take the time to the issue - which evil? Astarion, as well as Lord Astarion evil\dark side is complex.

Unattractive evil absolutely breaks Astarion as a character, in the Evil Ascension Ending too, he needs to remain attractive and complex. It's his core, as an Ascended Astarion too, is himself - Astarion, and one of his integral paths as an Astarion character. I need a certain baseline for statements like that, too.

Evil is not cardboard. except for tales cartoons, teaching the virtues Evil is complex. "Has some little good in it" where I'm greedy and want more Is a great line of reasoning in Astarion's story.

Astarion is an fun character for the theme of evil and good. Astarion's own reasoning is extremely materialistic, selfish, and an "evil" picture of the world. Which however in Faerun has its own meaning. It also stays in balance. Astarion is more likely to act as an unsuspecting actor of a global idea that contains complex moral themes than to say such things himself. For example, we might find thoughts that rise above the story in the words of the archetype character "the wise man", Wise Old Turtle -like. Astarion either does not do this arbitrarily or he mocks morality, uses it to accomplish a goal. Or he can't find the words:

CinematicNodeContext: Can't quite find the words to convey "even evil people can be a little bit good" so just mimes weighing scales with his hands NodeContext: "And even good or evil people can be a little bit complicated."

In my opinion this idea from act 2 already overlaps with the ending. Evil power as a tool, evil man, even a little bit of good and something complicated. It also generally intersects with Astarion's story.

Complex Evil has its own morality, motivations, reasons and sense, depending on the context of the story. But it remains "evil" for some reason. Here we are already getting to a debatable, personal topic and who understands evil and gray morality in what way. To me, grayness is different from evil: Realizing it's immoral and still willing to do it. The lack of regret\guilt. The desire to continue. The inner satisfaction, fun of doing evil or all together. Hello Astarion very much hello, Lord Astarion Maybe in the very topic being reasoned over, the story will be something gray, yet the character will be evil within the story. We can add here DnD - in which greed and selfishness are classed as evil. Greed is one of the "deadliest human sins", as well as pride, speaking of other structures of the definition of "evil".

This point of the complexity of dark themes in Astarion's character, was mentioned by Astarion author Stephen Rooney. Stephen Rooney | Idle Insights | Idle Champions | D&D 18:32

Lauren: What was like one or two of the core things that were the most important about his character that needed to be represented? When you were helping us bring your baby into our game what were like the couple things you're like - he has to have this in order to still be him.

Stephen Rooney: When you meet Astarion the first thing that he does in the game is pull a knife on you. He has a certain appreciation for violence I guess, a bit of a murdery streak so… I think it's important to have that… and also… he's a vampire, he's all about blood and he's all about darker sides of humanity. So it's important that that's that's represented in the game. But the same time he’s really fun to write, to have in your party. And it was it's very important for me that that is also represented those kind of the two sides. It's gonna stop you but we'll we'll have a smile on his face and see does it.

Lauren: The fun thing about that duality of like all right he's a vampire he's all about blood but also he's kind of this sarcastic fun character. I like that he is not your cliche brooding dark always kind of emo vampire like he's got in a weird way a lot of fun personality to him and like he's a rogue but he's dressed in like fancy clothes and very he's very charismatic and personable. Were you was that how you were you was that just how you crafted Astarion from a gameplay and character perspective or were you thinking of like let’s make sure he’s not Dracula let’s make sure he’s not super cliché vampires.

Stephen Rooney: (… about cliché vampires) The main thing with Astarion character I think was just trying to get a sense of fun into… He could… It would be very very easy to write a character that was very unlikable in Astarion and we absolutely didn't want to do that. He's a bit terrible consistently throughout the game, he's awful in a whole lot of ways. But at the same time he needs to be charming and he needs to be someone that you actually want to have around. Because you’re gonna be with this guy for hours and hours – it’s a long track through this game so… You gotta make sure he’s engaging, he’s fun. Lauren: He that nice line of like… He’s doing the terrible things but he’s so fun to be around and maybe he’s got a point about the terrible things he’s doing and, you know, maybe he's gonna sway the player over to his side of seeing things a little bit.

Stephen Rooney: Hopefully, I mean, that would be the gold standard if I hit that even most of the time, I’m extremely happy.

___

There are two sides to Astarion's character that are very important to have together - he is a bloodthirsty vampire, "he's all about the darker sides of humanity", and he is fun. It's easy to write Astarion as a very unlikable character, but that's something its author absolutely didn't want. Astarion needs to be charming, interesting, fun, yet keep two sides.

I mean that's why Lord Astarion - being the most dangerous on the meadow - is sulking that he wasn't the one throwing the party, arrogantly looking at the nails "wow they're still alive, good for them", throws away the goblet drinks wine from the bottle, and flies back and forth as tiny furry bat. Astarion's evil is seductive and alluring, instead of only black vacuum. It takes nuance and a lot of detail, balance, as well as the important thing - devilish charm and charisma. More like space viewed from a monitor, constellations and nebulae. If you truly get there, you'll freeze to death in a second, but it's very beautiful from afar. It's the kind of evil he has throughout story. Such evil stays with Astarion in Ascension, more openly and at the apogee. True, it's different for each individual. A friend of mine said: "why do you need that vampire bastard? I'm gonna kill him" хD Alluring of Astarion's evil and especially of Lord Astarion works very differently or doesn't work at all.

#astarion #ascended astarion #lord astarion #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #baldurs gate 3 #Bg3 Evil Path #my analysis

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bookoftheironfist · 1 month ago

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Do you have any recs for Misty Knight issues? Both inside Iron Fist and elsewhere (only if you have the time of course)

I do! And I apologize for the slow response, but this seemed like the perfect thing to post to celebrate her 50th anniversary. Here's a list of a few of my favorite Misty appearances, from the character-establishing to the just-plain-fun. (Please note: this is NOT a complete list of her appearances, but it should get you started.)

One detail you may notice is that none of these comics has the name Misty Knight in its title, and pretty much all of them are team-ups. As much as I love her team-ups (she has so many cool friendships...), consider this my plea to Marvel to give Misty a dang solo series already. It's been fifty years.

Marvel Premiere #21: Misty's introductory issue! She only appears for long enough to fight Iron Fist (and give him a big ol' crush), but it's a fun and memorable introduction.

Iron Fist volume 1: Misty is a main recurring character in this series, which builds upon her backstory (including introducing her bionic arm and related trauma) and further develops her friendship/partnership with Colleen and will-they-won't-they relationship with Danny.

Deadly Hands of Kung Fu volume 1 #32-33: An intense, gritty, black-and-white saga in which Misty supports Colleen in her mission to avenge her grandfather's murder. (NOTE: This story skews more mature than the average Marvel comic and includes themes of drug addiction and sexual assault.)

Marvel Team-Up volume 1 #63-64: Misty and Colleen come to Danny's defense in his first major fight against Steel Serpent.

Uncanny X-Men volume 1 #122: Misty's ties to the X-Men are understated but also really neat (she and Jean Grey were roommates for quite a while). This issue includes a brief but interesting encounter between her, Storm, and Luke Cage that makes it memorable.

Power Man and Iron Fist volume 1 #59-60: This classic series is essential reading, as far as I'm concerned, and Misty is a major recurring character throughout. Informally, I'm recommending the whole thing, but there are a few particularly Misty-focused stories. In this one, she is forced to reckon with her trauma when faced with another bomb attack like the one that took her arm.

Power Man and Iron Fist volume 1 #76: Misty and Danny versus Warhawk. (And Luke and D.W. versus a vampire.)

Power Man and Iron Fist volume 1 #78: Nightwing Restorations and Heroes for Hire (and El Águila!) team up to hunt down a serial slasher terrorizing the neighborhood.

Power Man and Iron Fist volume 1 #101: When Luke and Danny get hit with a deadly bioweapon, Misty and Colleen get on the case to hunt down their attacker and save their lives.

Bizarre Adventures (1981) #25: A Nightwing Restorations adventure. Misty and Colleen fight vampires.

Namor the Sub-Mariner (1990) #8-28: Danny Rand has returned from the dead! Or has he? Misty and Colleen investigate. (Also, Namor is there.)

Deathlok (1991) #1-5: This gripping and emotionally resonant story leans heavily into Misty's identity as a "cyborg", as she teams up with Deathlok to rescue other members of their shared cybernetic community.

Shadowland: Blood on the Streets: This is a tie-in to the "Shadowland" event (quick rundown: Daredevil gets possessed by a demon, builds a big fortress in the middle of Manhattan, and starts using Hand ninja to terrorize the city). This story holds up perfectly well on its own, though, putting Misty at the center of a good, old-fashioned murder mystery.

Heroes for Hire volume 3 and Villains for Hire: These are essentially two parts of a continuing series. Misty takes charge of a revamped version of Heroes for Hire while grappling with the aftereffects, both physical and psychological, of her false pregnancy.

Daredevil: Dark Nights #6-8: A flirty little team-up between Misty and Daredevil.

Secret Wars: Secret Love, "Misty and Danny Forever": There are only three things you can rely on in this world: death, taxes, and me putting this dang alternate universe story on recommendation lists. A glimpse into a world where Misty and Danny get their happy ending, and also, Misty rides a T-rex.

Secret Wars Journal #2, "The Hunt": A hilarious, hijinks-filled Misty/Paladin team-up. You don't need any "Secret Wars" context for this. Just enjoy the ride.

All-New Captain America and Captain America: Sam Wilson: The former Falcon takes over a very difficult job as the new Captain America after Steve Rogers becomes an old man (long story). Misty is a major presence in these series which, among other things, sparked her current ongoing romance with Sam.

Black Panther and the Crew: This series, written by Ta-Nehisi Coates, is short but packs a punch. Misty helps to take down a conspiracy undermining Harlem.

Daughters of the Dragon volume 2: READ. THIS. READ IT. This is a series of three digital-first DoD adventures that came out to capitalize on the success of the Netflix shows (but to be clear: they take place firmly in good ol' 616). It's fantastic. If there were any justice in the world, this would've turned into a hundred-issue ongoing series.

Amazing Spider-Man (2018) #78.1: Misty and Colleen have a fun occasional presence throughout this run, but this issue is specifically focused on them as they find themselves trapped in a simulated murder house. A good time all around.

Women of Marvel (2021), "Saturday Morning in Harlem": A nice little Misty-centered day-in-the-life story.

Miles Morales: Spider-Man (2022): Misty takes Miles under her wing as her unofficial superhero "intern". We never really get to see Misty in mentorship positions, so this is an absolute treat.

Enjoy!

#Misty Knight #Misty Knight 50th #Messages #Reading Guides

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mydarlingbat · 1 year ago

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Was The Batman and The Joker relationship different in the golden age?

I understand that it’s hard to accept that Batman might actually have feeling for the Joker, but apparently it’s the truth. so let’s jump right into it. first i’m going to bounce straight to the golden age comics. People claimed that The Joker did not enjoy the game. That the Joker only desire was to get rid of the Batman. The only thing that was important to him was murdering and stealing. He cared nothing about the cat and mouse game. The Joker only kill when it's funny. He doesn't just kill, and that's my opinion, but I'm about to prove you wrong about their dance. In the issue of Batman 57# The Joker encounters Batman. They're both fighting each other, and let's just say the Joker gets the upper hand, then wins, and he ties the dark Knight up to a trap. He’s now about to removes the Batman's mask, but Batman reminds him that "He won't be able to chase him anymore" Which led to the Joker not removing the mask. Batman also used the words chase rather than fight. The Joker also goes on to say. "I didn’t think about that. "i’ll miss our duels and wits" which made me believe that the Joker already figured he was going to escape, probably. Why else would he need to reflect on what they’ll do next time. He could take the mask off of him right now ? he’s so positive that Batman’s going to die, why are you worrying about his secret identity when he’s going to die anyways ? unless the Joker figures maybe there’s a chance he will escape, or maybe he likes it a secret. Batman issue #12 the Joker straps Batman down to a spinning wheel that spins really fast, after he turns the spinning wheel on. He immediately hates the idea of Batman dying like that, and lets him get away free once again. In the issue of detective comics issue #62 the Joker is about to detach the Batman’s mask, again, but immediately changes his mind reflecting on later, also in this issue The Joker openly admits saying "i enjoy the wits. the hunt. the chase" implying the cat and mouse game him and the Batman plays, so The Joker does like the game. He enjoys it, and he'll let the Batman secret stay safe so he could dance with his bat. In issue of Batman #32 the Joker has Batman tie up, again, but it's to a wooden chair _ while he reads a newspaper. He goes on to say " i’ll depose of you eventually" leaving Batman to escape once again. heavily implying he doesn’t want Batman dead right now, as well In the issue of batman # 7 the Joker asks batman "What kept him" and that goes back to what I said earlier. He waits for him to show up. He might pretend that he doesn't, but his actions proves him wrong. Also in the golden age The Joker says "I would have been disappointed if you hadn't figured it out" the Joker's outright saying that he wanted him to figure it out. It tells you right there that Joker does seeks his attention, even if it's subtle. In Batman #53 issue. The Joker once again ties Batman up, and oh my goodness. He honestly get tied up so much in the golden age comics, but in the issue, One of his goons asks "let see who's under the mask" The Joker agrees to remove the mask, and proceeds to take the mask off, but pauses and stops, and says " it'd ruin the only little fun I have" He continue to say. "Yes, Batman I'll let your identity remain. A secret for you afford me. The thrill of Supremes battles of wits each time we meet" and here I am again saying once again obviously the Joker knew there was a big chance he was going to escape the trap. Why else would he think about another time ? i have no doubt the obsession wasn't there. it was subtle, but in front of our faces, and like I said it wasn't all about the kill. It was also about Batman too. Theses are not things I decided to make up. If you have doubt be welcome to go give the issues a check. Yes, the Joker enjoys the wits. He stated in almost every golden age comics "I can't wait until Batman sees what I got in store" obviously he wanted Batman to know what he was up to.

Most of the times they look like they're having fun. Bruce also liked to irritate him as much as the Joker liked to irritate him. Batman's already aware of the game we can see. the Joker adores to play. It's the only reason the Dark Knight goes on to say. "At least I won't have to chase you anymore" knowing the Joker would immediately change his mind, and luckily for bats he did. It's in Batman #57. Do i have to remind you that theses are the golden age comics. Yes, The Joker still cherished the game. it's not only about murdering innocent civilians. I honestly don't believe he even wanted to kill Batman. I mean he never once killed Batman in the 40's and 50's. Did Batman ever take the Joker's life. Yes, he did. It was only a couple incidents. I won't say he just purposely try to kill him, but when they were fighting Batman actually might have kicked him, or punched him, and he could've fallen to to his death, but he honestly never does hardly. Though I already mention this was when the Joker first came in the picture. it wasn’t constant, but When the Joker first came around. I would have to jump head of myself and say that a lot of times the Joker did fall. The dark Knight rarely believe the Joker was dead. He even had times sitting alone that he wonder if the Joker was still alive, even though he heard nothing about him, deep down he missed his Joker, and how do I know that ? Because when he sees the joker alive. He instantly says things like. "It's good to see you again." Nice meeting up with you. "It's been awhile Joker" let's move back to the death's of the Joker. For example Batman issue #4 Batman says "he always seems to cheat death" let's go on to Batman relationship with his greatest enemy. Batman issue # 8. Batman decides not to take the Joker's life. He bring him back to jail. This continually happens now. Did the Batman actually liked the Joker at all in the golden age ? Yes i do believe so. the Batman actually showed signs of missing the Joker, and sometimes when they did meet up he would say "it’s good to see you again Joker," "or the Joker’s mine". "the Joker’s my dish" "i’ll handle the joker." " it’s never a waste chasing you Joker" "it looks like I sort of swept you off your feet." Batman 45. batman #9 batman yells when the Joker is about to be hit by a train. The scream is so loud. I'm just applaud. he also saved the Joker in the first issue of Batman. He goes on to say "you're too valuable a prize to lose" those words sound more like to a friend then and enemy, and something the dark Knight probably won't even dream of saying now. Batman 13# the Joker says "hello", and Batman reply with "abroad joker" this honestly seems like the two are playing. Batman #69 Batman finally gets to see the Joker again, after so many months. While Robin did show a suddenly like for the the Joker in the golden age comics. I don't mean that it in any other way, but In the issue. Robin quickly goes to fight the joker, and telling Batman "he's missed the Joker " Batman gets dick Grayson out the way replying "Sorry Robin but the Joker's my personal dish" letting him know once again the Joker is mine. in the golden age. The Batman does states that "the Joker's mine" constantly for example.The Joker's my meat" it seems like a lot of jokes and fun between the two. yeah, he sure sounds like your enemy batman.

Detective comics # 114 the Joker says "I wasn't expecting you so soon." Which implys he was in fact waiting for the Batman to show up sooner or later, but not so fast, also I would like to say why did the Joker keep Batman alive so long ? He could've shot him, but never does, and if he wants to get rid of Batman so bad in the golden age comics. He could have honestly gotten him out of the way. Batman #37 later on in the comics you can see Batman's demeanor towards the Joker is much better than previously. He even says watch out for your step with concern, and then saves him, and the Joker says "help I'll be hurt" and the dark Knight reply with "I wouldn't want a thing like that happen to you "at the end of this issue Robin asked Batman if you think they'll keep him locked up for good this time, and he replies "Who knows dick. All I know is Batman and Robin will jump at the chance to tangle with him again" Batman enjoys fighting the Joker even though in the newer comics he hates to admit it. Detective # 124 Joker leaves Batman and Robin tied up against the wall, and leaves with his goons. C'mon man you know he's going to escape Joker. Batman issue # 46 the clown sends Batman a letter which is pretty gay, and has on the bottom love and kisses from the Joker. Batman #52 Batman says "perhaps Bruce Wayne would enjoy being robbed by the Joker." Now we all know this is a set up, but I still love the line nevertheless. Did Batman give the joker what he wanted in the golden age comics to get something from him. Yes, he did. Batman #53 joker "You had your fun. Now give me what I want" the Joker replied with " you're right Batman I had my fun. You've given me my laughs. I don't need you anymore " The Joker is in fact saying he did need the Batman but not anymore. Which apparently was to scare Batman. cause when he told his goons to blast him. It's water guns. Batman #66 Batman openly admits it's a pleasure fighting the joker, and bumping into him. his exact words. " I can't tell you what a pleasure it is bumping into you again, Joker" he almost sound graceful. The boner thing. I don't even need to go in to detail. You want to read it. It's in Batman 66# the Joker comedy of errors. Batman #73. Batman says " good fight Joker, but you're finished" Did he enjoy the fight ? I think he did, and people who will say Batman was flirty with others. No not like the Joker. Batman #193 the Joker finally gets Batman In his clutches and what do he do to him ? He plays with him, and embarrasses him, but not once tried to kill him while he's with him. He must not be in hurry to kill Batman like some people say. Detective Comics # 75 Batman shows how much he knows the Joker. He even says # "my friend"

Also in Batman # 118 Batman is very worried that the Joker might break his neck while existing the window. Batman also said in Detective comics issue # 91 that he doesn't want to waste The Joker’s time. detective comics #85 the Joker saved Batman from the imposter that's imitating him. in this issue I'm going to point out a few things in the beginning. Robin tells Batman that the Joker's "back at it again" and Batman reply with " I'm not so sure dick. It's not like the Joker to beat someone to death with spades and clubs. I think someone is trying to plant murders on the Joker" this gives a great view of how much Batman knows the Joker, even before the new rebirth came out. Batman does want to help the Joker in Batman issue # 2. Batman #71 a crime a day. Batman says " you're keeping a date with me Joker" theses remarks, and comments were flirty. Batman 16 # Batman is surprised that the Joker saved his life. though the madman has lost his memory. Batman has no knowledge of this occurring. Though Robin believes the Joker only back to his old tricks again. Batman doesn't. He believes maybe the Joker's gotten better, but it shows me how bad Batman really wants that. Batman #19 Batman says "where are you going Joker. The fun is just beginning. " and please remember theses are all from the golden age. Also he goes on to say in this issue " don't tease the animals, and that includes Batman. these remarks, and replies, even saying are flirty, and shows a side of the Joker and Batman relationship already. Batman issues # 20 Batman sticks the Joker on the butt. though he could have stuck him in any other place. He decides to stick him on the butt with the spear. Batman sees the Joker as a wise guy. This is mention in Batman # 23. Batman also goes on to say in this issue at the ending. "May I have this dance" The Joker says "I will join in a minute Batman. " Batman also nicknamed the Joker mr funny man. Detective Comics #91 Robin announces to Batman that the Joker finally met his match, and Batman reply with "don't be so sure of that dick. Can't see a guard or convict put anything on him" Batman thinks very highly of the Joker. Detective Comics 109 # the Joker runs towards Batman happily. calling it "touching reunion" and it "bought tears to his eyes " You can see how much the Joker actually missed the Batman.

Let's move back to the other villains issues. First I would like to point out that Batman did not interact with the other villains like this in the golden age comics. I'm going to begin with the 40 and 50's for now, so anything up to 60s isn't talked about yet. Two face appears in detective comics #68 Batman # 58 detective comics #66 detective comics #80 detective comics #181 batman #81. In all these issues Batman never once said it's nice seeing you again, and I'm not talking about when they were all bud bud. I'm talking about after he got acid threw in his face. There also was no flirty comments. Witty maybe, but nothing flirty. Let's move on to the Riddler. Though he does not appear much in the 50's 40's he does appear in Batman #171 Batman #179 detective comics #140 detective comics #142 in these issues the Batman does not say it's nice seeing you again. He also said he doesn't think Riddler can change, but said he believes Joker could, and even believe he could become sane again. For example in Batman issue #59 Batman goes back into the past to see if he could studied his ancestors, and reform the Joker. You go though all that trouble for the joker Bruce ? he asks the joker "why do you insist using your talents for crazy humorous crimes " the Joker answers with "I don't know maybe I got it from my ancestors they were famous clowns" Batman #97 in this issue Batman seems to really be having fun with the Joker. Batman also refers to the Joker old friend a whole lot. The joker doesn't say this much, but in the recent comics he does. Batman #144 the Joker already shows how well he knows Batman. He hired a guy to impersonate Batman, but when the real Batman shows up. The Joker immediately know from how good he is. He's gotta be the real thing. Now that's all I'm going to talk about. Next I'm going to talk about the sixties and seventies.

#batjokes #batman and joker #batman #batman x joker #comic books #comics #dc comics #the joker #batmm #dcedit #theories #updated version

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your-name-is-jim · 1 year ago

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What a Kirk/Spock shipper sees in a Kirk/Female-Love-Interest story [PART 1/2]

[Part 2]

This is a pretty long post in two parts, so I hope you'll find it interesting. Don't worry, I shared a lot of pictures too! :)

First of all, what is it about?

An analysis about a 32-pages comic published in 2020 by IDW Publishing. More specifically, I'm talking about the Valentine's Day special from the comics series Star Trek: Year Five that I recommended here. The title of this story is Captains of Sea and War, and this is the official summary:

"James T. Kirk has had many loves during his mission among the stars, but this time he may have met his match in fellow Starfleet Captain Laura Rhone."

As I said in my review of Star Trek: Year Five, this Valentine's Day special is not linked to anything else in the main comics series. That means it can be read alone or, on the contrary, it can be skipped if you're only interested in the series (where Kirk doesn't have love interests, by the way).

Do I recommend this comic issue?

It depends on your preference! Just like the rest of Star Trek: Year Five series, the art is great and so is the characterization, at least most of the times. Jim is written as a romantic book lover and definitely not as a womanizer. However, if you only ship Kirk/Spock or you're not into Kirk romance with women in general, I believe you should avoid wasting your time and money. Just read my analysis if you're curious! :)

Why am I talking about this? And why as a Kirk/Spock shipper?

Good question. The short answer is that I read this comic and I have a lot of thoughts about it.

The long answer is that I love TOS Kirk and I'm interested in him as a character, romantic scenarios included. Since Kirk/Spock is my OTP, I can't suddenly take my slash goggles off, so I already knew before reading this comic that I'm not exactly the target audience and nothing is ever going to convince me that Spock isn't The One for Kirk. However, it was an interesting reading in multiple ways, so I'd like to say why!

I want to be 100% clear about my Kirk/Spock preference because even if I will try to talk objectively about the comic to a certain degree, this analysis is biased; if you don't like Kirk/Spock, this is NOT the post for you. That said, you may not see the point in a K/S shipper writing an analysis about a romance between Kirk and a female character, but… well, unless someday they'll release official Kirk/Spock comics, this is all we have.

There are two reasons why I read this story despite being pretty much a monoshipper when it comes to Kirk:

I had already read the main comics series and I liked it a lot, so I wanted to give this special a try.

I thought it was probably going to be okay, because in my headcanon Kirk and Spock don't actually get together until The Motion Picture. Kirk has a lot of love interests before that movie, so adding another one doesn't really bother me. It turned out (as I'll mention later) that I wasn't completely right about the era, but I take Star Trek comics as "extras", so I just ignore what I don't like.

Note: this analysis contains SPOILERS from the entire Valentine's Day special.

However, it does not contain spoilers from the main Star Trek: Year Five comics series. So, if you're planning to read that one, you're safe here! Just avoid this post if you don't want spoilers about the Valentine's Day issue.

Okay, are you ready? Let's go!

So, Jim is on shore leave with Bones. As you can see, the moment a pretty woman gets close to them, Bones leaves, because he's a great friend :)

We already know from the summary that the woman who talks to Jim is Captain Laura Rhone. Now, I'm already going to stop here to take a moment to at least appreciate the creators' effort: as someone interested in fictional writing, I must admit that creating a Valentine's Day special in 2020 about James T. Kirk finding love is an extremely hard task, to put it mildly. Seriously, if it can't be Spock (or the Enterprise :P), how the hell do you even do it? Are you going to give Jim another woman-of-the-week who's going to die? Another blond white woman? Another woman who forces him to choose between her and his ship? Or, on the contrary, a woman who'll choose for him and break up because she knows he wants the Enterprise?

NO.

Star Trek TOS was made in the 1960s, but we're in the 2020s now. Fans are tired to see always the same tropes with female love interests, and some of those tropes are just very outdated. So what does this comic do? Well, first of all, fixing what didn't work in Turnabout Intruder. Oh, let me get this straight: overall, I like Turnabout Intruder. I love the canon bodyswap, and I lost count of how many times I quoted "You are closer to the Captain than anyone in the universe" in my Kirk/Spock fan-fictions. However, there's no way that in the 2020s we're going to believe that a positive future means this:

In the Valentine's Day comic, Janice Lester still exists (she's mentioned once in a dialogue), but since Laura Rhone is a very good Starfleet captain around the same time, I believe we're now supposed to think that Janice was one crazy person who was never going to become a captain because of her personality and behavior, not because she's a woman. This is actually how I've always liked to mentally re-write this part of Turnabout Intruder in my head, because that's how I want to imagine it.

Anyway, back to the comic. Captain Laura Rhone is on shore leave too; she recognizes Captain James T. Kirk and she decides to introduce herself to him. She's very straightforward about her interest in him, so we immediately see that part of her personality.

Of course, the two captains can't enjoy their shore leave until the end. I'm posting this part to appreciate Bones in his beach clothes and Laura's very loyal Andorian officer who slips ("Laura! I mean, Ma'am!") when she sees her Captain in danger and oh whoops now I ship them. She doesn't remind me of anyone, I don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, wrong ship. I'm obviously not following what the story is trying to tell me, because this is what happens next:

Just a moment to appreciate sleeping Jim. Cute.

So, after that night together, Jim and Laura don't see each other for 6 months. They meet again when the Drake, Laura's starship, has a battle against a group of space pirates and the Enterprise intervenes without consulting Laura first. Laura and Jim have a slight fight about that, but Jim apologizes, and it ends with them in bed again.

After that, because Jim is a romantic man, not a womanizer, and thank goodness the creators of this comic know, Jim asks Laura on a date. As they're walking together on a planet, Laura points out that they're doing things in the wrong order. Jim's reply is rather interesting: he asks her if they need to know what they're doing, and if there has to be a shape or a meaning to it. It's the first sign that even if they're both obviously attracted to each other, Jim is unsure about the kind of relationship he wants with her. When I think about his previous experiences, I believe it makes sense. He may be a romantic at heart, but he suffered so much for love that I can see why he's trying to be careful. There's also another reason, more related to the time this story takes place, which is a few months before the end of Jim's five-year mission. We see it here:

Ah, yes, a typical first date conversation: what Spock talks about. Well done, Jim. Saying "a friend of mine" doesn't make it less obvious; I did my Star Trek homework and I know you're quoting the basis of Vulcan philosophy to her :D

(Of course, now I won't stop imagining Jim casually mentioning Spock during every single date he has with someone… That would explain why his love stories never last…)

On a serious note, as I was working on this analysis I realized something extremely interesting about the context of Jim's lines. Jim is mentioning IDIC when he's questioning his future as a starship captain. He remembers that Spock talks about Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations, but Jim can only do one job. However, what will Spock tell him someday, right next to an IDIC flag?

Now, I don't know if the people who worked on the Valentine's Day comic really thought about this, but I think it's still, well, fascinating that Jim is using Spock's words to think about his own future, but he's following the wrong direction. I believe it's also worth pointing out that Spock will tell Jim that commanding a starship is his "first, best destiny" years after finding his own place in the universe. On the contrary, during the time this comic takes place, Spock is busy with his own inner distress.

Anyway, that's enough Spock for now. Back to Jim's first date with Laura…

So, I started this analysis with a question: how the hell do you write a love story with TOS Kirk in 2020? This is the way this comic tries to answer: you create a female character just like him.

Okay, they look cute together. Laura loves being a starship captain! She loves reading! And dancing! And climbing!

Wait, wait, wait. I appreciate the inclusion of Jim Kirk's canon hobbies. I really do! But aren't we forgetting one?

This is interesting. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but this makes me think that they didn't want Laura to have something in common with Spock. Spock is the character who plays chess the most in TOS, so I can see why the creators of the comic didn't want the readers to think about Spock instead of thinking about Jim's girlfriend. That would be too bad, huh? :)

There's also horseback riding missing, but that doesn't appear until the movies, so even if I personally believe that a farm boy like Jim learned how to ride horses when he was young, I can see why they skipped it in this comic. It's also mostly associated to another love interest (Antonia from Generations), but if this is the reason they didn't want to show Jim and Laura riding a horse, I'm just going to think even more that the lack of chess is suspicious, and they're counting Spock as one of the "girlfriends".

On the other hand, since horseback riding is associated to starship captains in TOS and TNG (I don't know about the other Star Trek TV series because I haven't watched them yet), I think it would have been a good idea to have one panel with Jim and Laura riding.

That said, if I had to make a guess about the real reason the comic doesn't show horses… I'm a doctor writer, not an artist, but I believe that drawing horses can be a pain in the ass, so in this comic they just didn't bother haha

Anyway, back to the plot! As I said, Jim and Laura's personalities are very alike. Of course, that doesn't mean they're perfect for each other, but I admit that this premise made me curious when I read this comic. Let's find out if it works out!

I'm posting this picture because of the book Laura is holding: first of all, this is where the title of this story, Captains of Sea and War, comes from. But it's also important to remember the book. You'll see why in Part 2. :)

So, two months later, Jim and Laura trust each other as captains without even talking:

We see Laura's other friend, probably her first officer, trying to warn her, just as Spock does on the Enterprise. I'm taking a little moment to appreciate "Noted, adored, and ignored, Commander", because it's really sweet. Imagine Jim telling this to Spock :D

So, the captains are right, and everything is good, because…

Okay, okay, wait a minute.

Apparently, one of the good things of this relationship is that Jim and Laura make a good team together. They don't even need to communicate to understand each other during a mission. Now… I don't even need to put my K/S goggles on to say that Jim and Spock are canonically one of the best teams in Starfleet, if not The best team. You don't need to ship them to know how many times they understand each other without words in the series, how many times they make plans and just know what the other will do, how many times Spock hears/sees someone that should be Jim and just knows something is wrong, and so on. Of course, as a Kirk/Spock shipper, reading in a Valentine's Day special that making a good team is good for Jim's love life makes me happy!

"Yep. All that sex didn't go to waste."

Jim. Jim. Are you saying that you and Laura are a good team in Starfleet because you had a lot of sex? I'm not even going to say what this makes me think as a K/S shipper… Did I say that Kirk and Spock are the best team? :D

Okay, okay, maybe it's not the same. Because Spock is a man, and Jim isn't attracted to men… right?

Ahem. I lost my mind when I read this for the first time, and I'm going to lose it again.

"There don't seem to have been many ladies in your life. Gentlemen, either." "Well, I've been busy."

Now, let's be honest here: Laura's lines didn't have to be phrased that way. We know Jim likes women, so even nowadays nobody would bat an eye at "there don't seem to have been many ladies in your life"; and if you're the writer of a very heterosexual comic who wants to avoid K/S shippers like me thinking "hehehe, because Jim has a man in his life", you can still write something neutral like "there don't seem to have been many lovers/romantic partners in your life". Or just a generic "it looks like you haven't been on many dates lately".

Laura mentioning "gentlemen" explicitly can make some readers think that men are an actual option for Jim. (Me, I'm "some readers".) Sure, it's not a confirmation, but Jim doesn't deny it. He just says he's been busy. There is room for interpretation in multiple directions, but even if I put my personal preference aside, I think it's important to remember something: in context, in this part of the story, Laura knows Jim. We've seen in a previous panel that they've done a lot of things together. Laura is not a stranger who may say "you don't have a girlfriend… or a boyfriend" because they don't know Jim. Personally, I think it's very likely that Laura asks about ladies and then adds gentlemen because she knows Jim is bisexual with a preference on women. It fits my headcanon for him. (Of course, he can be into anyone, not just men and women, and he has a preference for women because hasn't tried dating Spock yet :D)

Anyway, the other thing that panel points out is that neither captain would give up on their own starship. Well, that's fair.

Okay, okay, I'll be serious: Jim sacrifices the Enterprise in The Search for Spock during an emergency. Of course, it's definitely not a coincidence in the narrative that said emergency happens because Jim is looking for Spock's body. However, we all know how much Jim loves the Enterprise and how bad he feels without a starship, so it's only fair that in normal circumstances, he shouldn't be forced to give up on his "silver lady".

Laura understands that they're the same, so...

This is another thing I appreciated! Who cares about gender norms, a woman can propose to James T. Kirk! :D

Now, just as I said about the "gentlemen" line, it's important to think about the context of this proposal. When the two of them are drinking together, Laura says "I've been asking around about you". That means Jim and Laura's relationship is still casual, to the point that she could have expected him to have flings with other people too. Honestly, this is just my opinion, but I'm not even sure I'd call it exactly an open relationship, because that would still imply a relationship in the first place. I'm mostly referring to the fact that Laura has been asking around about Jim's love life instead of just, you know, asking him? I believe that if they trusted each other and were in an open romantic relationship, either they wouldn't care about each other's partners or they would just talk about it. Since Laura wants to marry Jim and have an exclusive relationship with him, it makes sense for her to bring up Jim's love life. However, I can't really help side-eyeing that "I've been asking around".

Am I reading too much into this? It's possible, but this is another clue about their dynamic that I'll mention later in the story.

Sooo, Laura asks Jim to marry him. What does Jim answer?

Unfortunately, I reached Tumblr limitations of the number of pictures I can share, so… you'll find out in Part 2!

If you're reading my analysis for the Kirk/Spock shipper's point of view, I especially recommend the second half, because that's where things get more interesting! :D

I hope you enjoyed the first part of this analysis! Thank you for reading until the end! See you soon!

Part 2!

#star trek analysis #star trek: year five #star trek comics #star trek: year five valentine's day special #james t. kirk #laura rhone #spirk #star trek the original series #star trek tos #k/s #kirk x spock #my gifs #well except for 'Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain' lol #the other gifs are mine

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