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hwaslayer · 1 day ago

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i hope you enjoy the read, love 🥹💕

4 page letter (psh) | one shot.

—summary: seonghwa vowed he’d never fall for someone within his close circle, and that’s why you might have been the greatest love he has come to know. that love came softly, then all at once— only to be tested by distance, timing, and wounds you both weren’t brave enough to face. years later, after seonghwa’s passing, he leaves you with a memory archive curated just for you. through the pain of ’almosts’ and the comfort of what once was, you journey through the memories, the fragments of what you once shared— leaving you with a piece of seonghwa and his love, and one last chance to hear his voice.

—pairing: park seonghwa x reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) sci-fi, lovers to exes (who still love each other), bittersweet tragedy, emotional hurt/comfort | fluff, smut, angst

—word count: 19k

—content/warnings: major character death (no specific details outlined), cussing/mature language, sci-fi/use of very advanced technology (inspired by black mirror's szn 7 'eulogy' episode), mentions of terminal illness (not heavy on the details), alcohol consumption and intoxication,mentions of a broken family, lots of kisses and making out, sweet gestures, long distance relationship at some point, crying, arguing, protected and unprotected sex, light breast play, light clit play, smut isn't entirely super heavy in this!!, lots of fluff but also lots and lots of angst and sadness tbh, a sense of longing but also comfort, sweet ending (in a different sense) i promise!

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It can be beautiful how words portray emotions perfectly.

Handwritten on paper— it paints a perfect picture of sunshine beyond the hills, dark clouds and huge pellets of hail on stormy days. Sun resting below the horizon. All the details wrapped up in paragraphs, words on words, to describe the beautiful rollercoaster of life, love.

Letters.

Cards.

Postcards.

It’s a shame most don’t paint these pictures anymore, but when they do, you’ll never take it for granted. Just like this postcard in your hands from Hongjoong and his wife, a small paragraph written on the back about how they thought of you on their trip.

Those letters from the past between��

Ding dong.

You set the postcard down onto your fridge, a magnet keeping it held against the surface before walking over to your door. It’s a delivery man, standing there with a package in his hand. Odd.

“Hi, I have a delivery for Miss Y/N?” You furrow your brows when you look down at the hefty package in his hands.

“Oh, right." You mutter when you realize you've been looking at the package for a little too long, trying to x-ray vision the hell out of it and figure out what it could possibly be. "Yes, that’s me. I’m sorry— who is this from?” You ask, unaware of any packages that were supposed to come your way during this time. You take the package anyway, signing off for it on his tablet.

“Neuvault.” He says, tapping away on his tablet before giving you a tiny smile. “Have a good day.” He rushes off your doorstep. You stand there, still a bit dumbfounded before you slowly shut your door and take the package to your living room table. You hadn’t heard of the company before so you did a little research to figure out who in particular sent this, or what this could possibly be.

Neuvault: Cognitive preservation solutions for memory continuity and emotional archiving. Experience memory, reimagined.

You still.

You feel your heart beating in your chest because it dawns on you what this might be, and you aren’t sure if you’re ready. Let alone, if you wanna open it at all.

“What’s up?” Jongho picks up on the other line, your hands slightly trembling while you continue to look at the package.

“Hey. Have you heard of the company Neuvault?”

“Uh, I think so? It’s like a tech start-up that compiles memories and runs some kind of simulation to reconstruct them. Like stepping into photos and reliving memories through a tiny patch. Kinda a neat way to run through old memories without having to rely on videos and pictures for special occasions or deceased loved ones.”

“Yeah…”

“Oh.” Jongho says, picking up on the shift in your tone. “Oh, I see. Did you get a package from them?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it..?”

“I think so.”

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t really know.” The responses are short, but you are grateful Jongho understands you without having to press for further info.

“You just got it today?”

“A few minutes ago.”

“Huh.” He says. “Well, do you wanna open it?”

“I kinda feel like I have no choice.”

“I mean, you’re not paying for anything since he compiled it for you. You technically can leave it be and never open it if you really wanted to.” You sigh. “But, you want to. You just don’t know if you’re ready to right now?”

“Exactly.”

“He must have done it for a reason, Y/N.” Jongho clears his throat. “And not everyone gets a little Neuvault care package so it must have really meant something to him.”

“No, I know.”

“Just take your time with it.”

“Thanks.”

“I don’t wanna intrude since it’s pretty personal, but let me know if you just want me to hang around while you sort through it.”

“Thank you.” You repeat, pursing your lips into a fine line. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Okay. Take it easy.”

“I will.” And with that, the call with one of your bestfriends ends. You’re left with your thoughts, and the white box on the table. It doesn’t have any company labels on it. It has a shipping label, but even then, its sender address is a PO Box.

So, you let it sit in your room.

You go on about your day as much as possible, running errands and getting dinner with the girls from work. Business per usual. But, the thought of the unopened box sitting in your room, waiting to be opened, gnawed at the back of your head—

Always making its way to the forefront of your mind.

You stand in your room as the hand hits 10pm on the clock, cozied up in your cotton pajamas. You rub at your arms when you look at the box sitting on the floor next to your bed.

Curious.

You let out a sigh when you take a pair or scissors to cut the package tape open, revealing the contents inside the box.

Guess you were doing this now. There was no way you could sit on it for another day.

Seonghwa.

Just thinking about his name makes your throat tighten, your chest heavy with so many what if’s, who knew’s and how’s.

You gently remove the carefully packaged patch inside of a sleek, white box. There’s a whole manual, but after reading how to apply and turn on said patch, you set it aside and comfortably position yourself on the bed— assuming this might take awhile. You drape your covers over your legs, tapping the patch on your right temple to activate the so-called device.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Y/N. I’m NOVA, the interface Seonghwa chose for you.”

“Um, hi.”

“Hello.”

“Are you real?”

“No.” NOVA pauses. “I am a cognitive interface designed to facilitate memory retrieval. My responses are generated from logic trees and contextual memory. I am not human, but I am present.” Silence.

“I see. You sound very real. Like I’m talking to someone on the phone.”

“That is nice to know. I was designed to guide you through this, gently. I am here to help you carry what Seonghwa left behind, and I understand this may be difficult. I aim to make this as comfortable as possible for you.”

“Will you stay throughout the entire process, NOVA?”

“Yes. And, I will stay with you for as long as you need during each memory.”

“Do you.. see them too?”

“No. Each memory is personal and private. No one else has access to your archive. I will be waiting here after each memory concludes to make sure you are okay to proceed.”

“Okay.”

“Do you have any questions? Anything I can help clarify before you begin?”

“Yes. A few. Am I going back in time to these memories? Are they recordings? Seonghwa had these recorded somehow?” The questions keep coming because you’re just not understanding. You knew it was the time of technology and things had greatly changed over the years. So many things were much more accessible, many things were doable.

“In a sense. These memories are not recordings, per say. They were reconstructed from Seonghwa’s long-term memory threads and neural markers. His feelings, thoughts, everything that shaped each memory. For example, any late-night thoughts or brief recollections of his past would be recorded during the time he worked with Neuvault to preserve these memories. His voice was recorded, his emotional states such as: heart rate, speech tremors, memory associations, even his breath when he would say your name.”

“H-how? He signed up for all of this strictly through Neuvault?

“Yes. And consented. Did you read the manual?”

“No, I’m sorry. I was overwhelmed.”

“That’s okay.” NOVA pauses. “I can tell you a brief summary about the process Seonghwa went through, if you would like.”

“Okay.”

“Neuvault has a ‘legacy preserve’ tier for the MINDprint packages. This tier captures unlimited core emotional impressions, sensory details, and long-term memory signatures. It is all processed through adaptive AI to recreate his most meaningful experiences. Again, to reiterate, these reconstructions are not recordings. They are echoes built from the way he felt, remembered, loved. It includes live interactive simulation built from the above. Think sensory rooms, memory-layered environments. It is all personalized based on Seonghwa’s preferences, along with his emotional profile. The legacy tier also comes with a bonus add-on, in which I will not divulge until the end as he had requested.”

“An add-on?”

“He asked Neuvault to keep it a secret until you finish sorting through the memories.”

“Okay.” You sigh. “Sorry, wow. This is a lot. I honestly didn’t even realize Neuvault was a thing until now.”

“We have just started to expand not too long ago. It is now being offered by many hospitals, and hospice and palliative care centers, but not many choose this tier because it is the most invasive procedure. Also, expensive. That is probably why you do not hear much.”

“Really? I thought people would opt for it. Seems neat to have your memories shared and represented this way.”

“No. It is not uncommon that people reject Neuvault. Sometimes, people do not want to remember.” You hum. “Sometimes, they do not want to preserve memories because the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes, it hurts less that way.”

“Right.” You pause. “How does it actually happen? How does it all work?”

“Well, when a patient is determined to be terminal or in very critical condition, we conduct neural scans, most in their final days and hours, to capture a compressed mindprint. We pull all the strongest, most persistent emotional memories before the brain shuts down. It’s not always perfect, but it is deeply personal.”

“If people don’t choose the legacy tier, what happens?”

“There are smaller packages. I will not get into details unless you really want me to?”

“No, that’s okay. Thanks, NOVA.”

“Sure.”

“How did Neuvault pull Seonghwa’s memories? Did he get like.. a brain implant or something? A patch? Electrodes?”

“A patch, yes. Very tiny, similar to the one you’re wearing on your temple now to access said archive.”

“Did his family get a package, too?”

“Yes. He requested for your memories to be filtered and separated.”

“I see. That’s good, I’m glad his family can relive their best memories, too.”

“There is something else I need to tell you, Y/N.”

“Is it bad?”

“No. But, I would like for you to understand how much you meant to him.” You let out a shaky breath, tears brimming your eyes as you nod slowly. “I can proceed when ready.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, NOVA.”

“That is alright, I understand. But, you opened the package and slipped the patch on, right? Part of you must feel ready to revisit.”

“What if I can’t handle it?”

“Then, you are not obligated to do this, Y/N.” NOVA says softly. “It is entirely up to you. He signed the consent when he transitioned to hospice care and said he wanted his memories preserved. When he was admitted, they began the scan and found that his emotional signature was unusually strong right off the bat.” NOVA says. “Most of it was.. you. Most of his emotionally charged memories are of you. From happy and joyful, to sad and painful. Unresolved. All of the above.” You cry a bit into your hands, unsure if you felt regret or relief for opening this box. But, your emotions were also heavy, and after everything that you and Seonghwa had been through— after all the time that had passed— he still thought of you the most. “In his final hours, the team observed heightened emotional activity in regions associated with memory recall, loss, and longing. The patch recorded neural data during these windows, capturing not just what he remembered, but how it felt to remember you.”

“NOVA, how is this real? Seonghwa and I hadn’t talked for years after we split. I guess we both assumed we didn’t really need each other like that, and then next thing I knew, he was gone. We reunited once and things were great at that time, but nothing ever came ot of it. I don't know if he was trying to protect me in a sense. Tried to keep me away from all of this. I don't know." You repeat.

“He may have not been ready to reach out to you directly, but he still made sure you had something when he was gone. You still mattered the most.” You let out a breath and nod, as if NOVA can see you. “Being that most of the archive was mostly centered on you, you seemed to be his emotional anchor regardless of your specific time together.” You wipe away your tears, taking a napkin from your bedside table to dab at your nose.

“I don’t know if that was it.”

“No one else had the same imprint.” You sigh, getting yourself together. “Shall we continue?”

“Yes.”

“Seonghwa named this archive ‘4 page letter’ since it was divided onto four parts. Four phases.”

“We used to write letters to each other. I made a big deal about how written letters weren’t a thing anymore, so he made it our thing.”

“He re-read those a lot.”

“I haven’t read his letters in a long, long time.”

“Do you still have them?”

“Yeah, along with some other stuff. But, it’s tucked away in a box, hidden in my closet. I purposely threw things around it and made it hard to find so that I wouldn’t.”

“I see.” There’s a comfortable silence that falls between you and NOVA, and you appreciate that she gives you time to yourself. Space to hold and just be. “Your heart rate is picking up a bit.”

“I’m nervous.”

“No need to be. Let me know if you have any other questions or if you would like to get started.”

“We can get started. Thank you, NOVA.”

“Of course, Y/N. Are you comfortable?” You nod as if she can see you.

“Yes. Just lying in bed now.”

“Great. Let yourself relax, feel the mattress beneath your body, your fingertips.” She says. “Shut your eyes and breathe normally.” You close your eyes, regulating your breathing and staying calm. “We will start with page one. Shall we proceed?”

“Yes.” You say softly.

“Running page one of Seonghwa’s 4 page letter. Initializing and booting memory thread.” Suddenly, you feel like your body is traveling through time— quicker than you can actually process. You find yourself back in a familiar setting, one that you knew Seonghwa would always turn back to.

The loud laughter, the smell of food and alcohol, the good vibes.

It is familiar.

—THE FIRST PAGE

Seonghwa might have been your first love, might have been your last, too. Because as far as you know, you hadn’t ever felt the same kinda love with anybody else.

If you could even call it love. Just wasn’t the same.

You weren’t sure you’d ever find anything close. That 90s R&B kinda love, throw stones at your window during late night hours kinda love, that 4 page letter declaring your deep feelings for each other kinda love.

Seonghwa was your 4 page letter.

The first page starts off beautifully; strokes of perfect cursive dipped in the finest black ink— all the beauty, perfections and bliss of an unexpected relationship flourishing scribbled on the page.

It’s crazy for Seonghwa because he vowed he’d never date anyone in his circle. Never. It gets too messy, especially when things go wrong and then other friends have to deal with those repercussions. It’s too much, and Seonghwa cares about his friends more than anything— he’d never wanna be the reason why the dynamic gets fucked up.

Not saying he’d do it, but he too, is human and is capable of making mistakes.

So no, he would never date anyone in his circle.

Except you, maybe. And Seonghwa has tried to bury the feelings for a good amount of time. He’s successful for the most part because you are and have always been his good friend before anything.

But sometimes, there are just things about people. Things like the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you grab at him because you just can’t seem to laugh without doing so.

The way you always make him so damn happy with your company.

“I’m fucking dying.” You laugh as you and Mingi continue to joke about today’s events, soju dripping through your veins tough. “Hwa!” You aggressively pull at his arm, tugging for his attention.

“Ow, Y/N.” There’s a groan entangled in Seonghwa’s laugh as you continue to cling onto him.

“More shots!”

“More?” Seonghwa teases as he pours you, Mingi and the rest of the drinkers some shots.

“The night is still young!” You cheer, tapping your shot glass against his and everyone else’s as you take another shot down the neck. The night is still young indeed, and it leads to many more of these until you’re slightly stumbling on your feet. Cheeks feeling hot and toasty. World spinning more than you’d like.

Thank god for Seonghwa’s arm.

“Let’s go! The fair is still happening!”

“Hell no, I’m going to bed.” Mingi scoffs.

“Where’s the fun in that, you grouch?”

“You should get in bed, too.” Hongjoong chimes in, sober so he can be one of the designated drivers tonight. “You’re gonna regret it tomorrow.”

“Or, I might not.” You smirk, making Seonghwa laugh.

“You can get in my bed.” Wooyoung puckers his lips, making you smack his face away— causing him to bump into Yeosang and almost create a domino effect of drunk boys falling down the hill you’re on.

“Get out of my face.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Yunho glares at Wooyoung before smacking him upside the head with a laugh.

“Yeah, you don’t treat our baby like that.” San adds, his cheeks red and hot from the alcohol. He hates alcohol. Yet, he’s here. And his bed sounds amazing right now. He truly hopes Jongho isn’t down to stay and go to the fair right now, please God—

“I wish. You know I’d be down, but I have to wake up ass early to get to my family tomorrow.” Jongho says, fiddling with his keys— also one of the designated drivers. San’s ride home.

“I can always count on you, huh babybear?” You pinch Jongho’s cheek, him being the one you had been closest to for the longest. You were the same age, majoring in the same major in college. Having damn near all the same classes for all four years. Same person who brought you closer to all these knuckleheads.

“Same. I gotta see halmeoni tomorrow. It’s her birthday.” Yunho adds.

“Do you wanna go that badly?” Seonghwa looks down at you and you nod.

“Yeah.” You pout and he shakes his head in disbelief.

“Okay, let’s go.”

“Really?!” You squeal loudly, making the rest of the boys groan in drunkness, in grouchiness. In party pooper-ness. Debbie downer, negative nancy-ness. But, somehow, maybe, you feel like this worked out perfectly because you’ll get some time with Seonghwa.

“Yeah.” Seonghwa says softly before clicking his teeth. “Stop pouting or else I’ll change my mind.” But truthfully, your pouting makes him so damn weak, and there’s nothing more he’d want than to keep seeing you smile. To keep hearing you giggle and enjoy yourself loudly.

“Yay!” You yell loudly again, making the group groan. But, Seonghwa just looks down at his feet, hiding his laugh.

“Of course, you little ass-kisser. You’re making your feelings so obvious—” Yeosang slams his hand against Wooyoung's mouth before Seonghwa can retaliate on his own.

“Aye.” Jongho turns to Wooyoung and warns. “I’ma make you walk home.”

“Goodluck with her.” Mingi waves as he finally gets into Hongjoong’s car with Yunho, but Hongjoong pauses in his steps.

“How are you two gonna get home?”

“We’ll take a taxi. I’ll get her home first.”

“Alright. Be safe. Don’t let her throw up everywhere.” Hongjoong says before the rest bid their goodnight’s and be safe’s before splitting ways to Hongjoong’s or Jongho’s car.

“I will not!” You start pacing over towards the fair, causing Seonghwa to grumble a bit before chasing after you. He eventually catches up, gently grabbing you by the arm to slow you down. He is worried you’ll end up feeling sick later, and he is worried about getting you home in one piece. Honestly, part of him was slightly regretting this. What was he doing? And why? He wasn’t necessarily tired, though. He’s got some energy left in him and being around you makes that skyrocket ten fold for some odd reason. It’s contagious.

But, the rest of the night ends up being one of the best nights in Seonghwa’s memory. One of the nights that he’ll forever remember and cherish, one he’ll gladly write over and over again on the first page of his letter. Yours, too. It’s the night that solidified his feelings for you, and the night you saw Seonghwa in a new light. Everything you wanted to do, Seonghwa made sure you’d do it. He’d play those dumb games, wasting his spare change just to win you that pink axolotl stuffed animal— its external gills weren’t even straight and an eye was slightly lopsided but you thought it was the cutest thing.

You said it looked like him when he was giving you a straight face and he wasn’t sure if he was offended or what, but he playfully rolls his eyes and shrugs it off. You kept calling it Hwabear and he’d groan and whine, but he liked seeing that smile on your face.

Somehow, you were still eating after the huge dinner with the group. You shared a funnel cake with him, some pieces you fed even though he was full, but you insisted he take the last bits. Seonghwa would snag photos of you happily posing in front of rides or where the lighting illuminated your features perfectly.

You were so beautiful.

“Hwa!” You say loudly as you shove the axolotl in his face, making him furrow his brows and gently move your hand away. You just laugh, though. It’s like music to his ears.

“What?”

“Why are you just standing there looking at me, weirdo?” You do a little dance and continue to put the axolotl in his face and he just continues to move your hand away. “Do you think I’m pretty?” You tease and he shakes his head.

“Absolutely not.”

“Hey!” You stop and pout, crossing your arms.

“You asked!” He laughs.

“You’re fucking mean.” You turn on your heel and start powerwalking towards the entrance and Seonghwa chuckles to himself. He lets out a breath before following after you, careful to not let you stray too far. You continue to walk, even stumbling right by the crosswalk— causing Seonghwa to grab at your wrist.

“Hey, be careful.” He ticks.

“Why does it matter if I’m just ugly!”

“God, Y/N. Stop. The cars are driving pretty fast here.” Seonghwa looks down at you. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, okay?” He picks out a cherry blossom petal from your hair before brushing it back. “I didn’t mean it.” He repeats. You look up at him with those doe-eyes and he swears this is the moment he felt like his knees could give out on him any minute.

“You didn’t?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Because.”

“Because?”

“You seemed mad and annoyed at me.”

“No. Those feelings are reserved for Wooyoung only.” You laugh a bit. “There she is.” Seonghwa gently flicks your chin.

“Thank you for taking me to the fair tonight, Hwa. I had a lot of fun. I felt like a kid having fun at the fair for the first time ever.” Which, at the surface, seems innocent. Harmless. But, Seonghwa knows where you come from. He knows you rarely had those moments of childhood fun. He knows you didn’t really know what genuine love felt like, he knows you didn’t know what being cared for felt like. Parents splitting before you could even build a relationship with your birth father. Your mom took care of you as best as she could, but it was obvious to her and everyone around her that she was not fit to do so. She found herself in another relationship, and maybe, just maybe, she realized she truly couldn’t be your mother. Your mom left you with your uncle and his family before running away with her partner. Your uncle and his family took care of you, gave you a roof over your head in their makeshift in-law in the basement downstairs, shared food to eat; but, that was the extent of their love for you. You weren’t really invited on family trips, family gatherings. Your mom didn’t have a close relationship with her side of the family, including her brother, so no one really asked for you. No one really looked for you.

Just like your mom didn’t. Your birth father didn’t.

So, you kept to yourself. Worked hard to move out, saved money for your education because it was important to you. It’s what you always wanted. You had dreams of getting a good education, of making it for yourself. Even if it seemed like a long shot, it was your driving force.

Seonghwa knew all of this. He remembered it all, every single detail.

To anyone, that line would’ve been innocent, harmless. But to Seonghwa, it meant a lot more to hear you say that. To know how you truly felt. Maybe a tiny bit of your inner child was starting to heal, and he wanted to keep that going. You deserved it.

“Good, I’m glad you had fun.” Seonghwa begins walking closer to the curb, waving down a taxi. “I’m sure you’ll be exhausted soon, so let’s get you home, hm?” You nod happily, sliding into the backseat of the taxi. Seonghwa follows, relaying your address to the driver respectfully before helping you buckle in your seatbelt. You’ve placed your axolotl in the middle seat, quietly looking out the window as the driver heads towards your place. You’ve gotten quieter, so Seonghwa assumes you’re sobering up and feeling the post-drunk exhaustion.

He makes a mental note to pick up Hwabear later cause he’s betting you’ll forget.

And you do.

“Home!” You say as you quickly exit and forget the damn axolotl that Seonghwa worked so hard to get for you. Your small studio is perched at the top of this narrow hill, so people always have to drop you off at the bottom.

“Thanks.” He thanks the driver before slipping out and chasing after you, afraid you’ll stumble on your own two feet and trip up the hill. “Wait.”

“Hwa!” You gasp and point at Hwabear. “Hwabear!”

“Yeah, you left his ass.” He hands it to you before crouching. “I’ll give you a free piggy back ride for tonight. Just cause I don’t want you to trip and hurt yourself. Next time though, there’s a service fee.”

“Whatever you say.” You respond, happily jumping on Seonghwa’s back as he patiently walks you up the hill. Your studio is perched on top of this small hole-in-the-wall restaurant— a bit rundown and old, but it works perfectly for you. Seonghwa sets you down after heading up the steps through the side door, digging through your purse for your keys. He unlocks the door and you immediately kick off your shoes and plop onto your bed face down. “Go wash up first.”

“Hwa.” You mumble.

“Hm?” He hums, grabbing a glass from your drying rack and filling it with cold water. He sets it on your nightstand before looking at you.

“Just sleep here, dude.” You sit up.

“No.”

“Hwa. You’ve done it before.” You look at him and it makes him weak in the knees— he’s not even aware you can make him feel this way. But, apparently you do. Could be the alcohol. Could just be everything from tonight, how it’s just you and him in your studio.

“With the other guys.”

“So? The only difference is that it’s quieter now.” Seonghwa snorts.

“I don’t have any clothes to sleep in.” He says, feigning some annoyance even though it’s a façade.

“Sannie left shit here and never came back for it. Just wear that.” You walk over to your closet and toss the grey sweats and random black graphic tee onto your bed. Seonghwa grabs it and sighs, knowing he can’t really get out of this [nor does he want to or have the energy to].

“Only if you drink water and wash up for bed.” You squeal, excited to have his company for the night. You quickly head to your tiny bathroom to wash up and get in an oversized shirt and shorts, with Seonghwa following suit. You chug the water Seonghwa placed on your nightstand before settling into your bed and turning on the blue mood lighting in your room. You scroll through your phone, still not feeling 100% but coherent enough to read through Hongjoong’s texts asking if you two got home okay. Seonghwa is answering from the bathroom, simply texting back with a ‘yup, all good’ before he’s heading out to your couch. You watch as he plops onto the cushions, throwing the blanket slung over the edge onto his body.

“Hwa.” You whine a bit.

“What, Y/N?” He asks, his eyes already shut.

“Why are you sleeping there? Keep me company.”

“Your bed is literally made for a minion.”

“You’re so fake, no it’s not. Woosan can fit in here perfectly fine.”

“I like space and you don’t necessarily give that.”

“You’re so mean!” You throw your axolotl at him and he sighs heavily.

“I’ll toss him out the window.” Hwa threatens as he grips the plushie tightly. You scream at him, throwing another of your pillows before he grabs it and tosses it back. “Why are you being so loud?”

“Come!” He groans before throwing the blankets off and padding over to your bed. He slips in and tosses the axolotl your way before turning on his side. Truthfully, he likes being here. He wishes he could cuddle you and hold you until you stop whining. But, he keeps himself at a distance because he doesn’t even know if you know. Even if you did, would you feel the same way? “Hwa.”

“Mm?” He hums.

“Why can’t you face me?” He turns, seeing you looking at him as you lay on your side. You’re cuddling your plushie tightly against you, a small smile on your face.

“There, happy?”

“Talk to me.”

“About?”

“Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Seonghwa rests his head on his hand as you continue to look at him.

“Do you have feelings for me?”

“W-What?” Is the first thing he says because he’s lowkey feeling shy and embarrassed. Making a mental note to obliterate Jung Wooyoung later, he thinks. But, he quickly shifts, eyes glued to the ceiling because he doesn’t know how to respond or react. He wants to be defensive and deny it, especially because he’s kept it buried for so long and he doesn’t know how you’ll react. Will you think he’s icky and disgusting for crushing on you after being long-time friends? Do you just see him as a brother? Do you just see him as Seonghwa and nothing else—

“Say it, Hwa. It’s a yes or no.”

“Why does it matter? Wooyoung was just drunk and loud per usual, I—”

“It matters because I like you, too.”

“He just—” Seonghwa pauses and looks at you. “Wait, what? What did you say?”

“I like you, too.” Seonghwa finally looks at you and tries to read your expression, your body language. You’re just lying there, facing him; there is no hint of playfulness or regret. Still, Hwa comes back with:

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk anymore, Hwa.” You scoot a bit. “I mean it. Why didn’t you just tell me after all this time?”

“Because I don’t date my friends.” He teases with a shit-eating smirk. “I don’t wanna fuck things up, especially with you.”

“But, you won’t. You couldn’t.”

“You don’t know that.” He chuckles, tapping the tip of your nose. “I’m very capable of fucking things up and I’d hate to disappoint you.”

“Seonghwa.” You flip onto your stomach, your face only inches away from his. “Why do you say things like that? We know each other well, I don’t think there’s any way that you could mess anything up.”

“It's my biggest fear.”

“Don’t you believe in taking that leap together?”

“What happens if I say yes?” You look down at his lips before shifting back up to his eyes.

“Then show me.” Seonghwa is doing the same thing he does. He freezes. Because he knows he can’t go back on his own word. He promised, vowed, himself that he’d never do this. He knows he’s human and he knows it’s only a matter of time that he’ll make you cry. He’ll make you upset. He’ll make you disappointed.

And as much as he can’t control everything, he’s trying to keep in control of the one thing he can.

He’s slipping.

Folding.

“If you say so.” He whispers before he’s cupping your cheek, crashing his lips into yours in a heated kiss. Your lips tingle when they meet his, sparklers going off in the pit of your stomach. The kiss deepens, and it deepens quick— his tongue lining your bottom lip before he pushes in and dances along with yours. You moan into his mouth, straddling his lap with his hands gripping your hips tightly. You subtly rock your hips against him, feeling the way he hardens beneath you from the action.

"Fuck." He whispers in between kisses. His tongue glides over yours as the kiss becomes sloppy, his hand brushing your shirt up to feel more of your bare skin.

"Hwa." You breathe out shakily.

"Can I take these off?" He asks huskily. Seonghwa breaks away momentarily, eyes scanning your features before returning your own. His finger dips below the waistband of your shorts ever so slightly, teasing the edge of your panties as if he's begging to feel all of you properly. You simply nod and toss the articles of clothing off.

Then his shirt follows.

Your shirt.

His sweats, boxer briefs.

Seonghwa sits up and continues to plant kisses along your collarbone, neck, tongue teasing your nipples just to hear you moan and whimper. His hands run up your back as he watches you grab a condom from your nightstand through his peripherals— ripping the pack open as he stares at you with the utmost lust and desire.

"Mm'ready for you."

"Yeah? Are you?" Seonghwa breathes out as his hand comes down to rub at your sensitive skin, thumb gently caressing your clit and giving it the love and attention it deserves.

"Yeah." You respond with a sultry mewl. You shut your eyes and bite your lip, something Seonghwa thinks is so fucking sexy of you. Especially when he's touching you the way he is, kissing you the way he is.

"Need you right now, baby. Gonna let me have you?"

"Yes." You respond, slowly rolling the condom down onto him. "Please." When Seonghwa hears you beg like that, he's quick to help you re-position yourself on his lap. Line yourself up with him.

Slowly sink down his thick, hard cock.

"Oh— shit." Seonghwa hisses as the both of you adjust, soft moans releasing into the air as you slowly roll your hips.

"God, feel so fucking full."

"Yeah? You like that, don't you?" Seonghwa asks, as he grips your hips firmly; guiding you to work at a quicker pace. He thinks you're so damn beautiful sitting ontop of him like this— arms lazily wrapped around his neck while your tits bounce in front of his face. He doesn't know where the fuck to look. That, or the faces you make when you work your hips in that circular motion.

Feeling every inch of him drag against your walls.

"Seonghwa." You moan his name and he almost loses it. He can't believe the turn of events— from hiding his feelings, to opening that box, to now having you completely raw and unfiltered. He wouldn't have it any other way.

"Just like that, love. Just like that." He groans. "You're so beautiful, Y/N. So goddamn sexy like that." You whimper when you pick up the pace and raise it to another level, the bed creaking with every roll and bounce you make.

"I'm getting close." You whine as you lock lips with him in a messy, heated kiss; open-mouthed kisses with your tongue gliding over his in a fight for dominance.

"Hold out for me just a little longer. You feel so goddamn good."

"Can't, Hwa."

"Yes, you can, pretty girl. You can do it for me." You whine, tilting your head back in overwhelming pleasure when you feel yourself tipping closer and closer to the edge. To be honest, Seonghwa isn't even sure he'd last any longer, either. You just feel so good wrapped all around him. So tight, so warm. So perfectly fit like you were made just for him.

"Hwa!" You whine loudly. "I need to come, I'm gonna come—" You whimper, panting as you feel yourself slowly slipping out of control. Spiraling, unwinding. And hearing you, seeing you like this, is enough for Seonghwa's last straw to break.

"Come for me then. You've been such a good girl for me. Riding me the way you do. Fuck—" He groans. "Come." He reiterates sternly, fingers digging deep into the flesh of your hips.

"Oh— oh my god!" You moan loudly as you hold Seonghwa close, your hands damn near gripping his hair as your orgasm starts to ripple through your body. "Fuck, I'm coming!" You pant, your body tensing and trembling as you continue to slowly ride it out.

"That's it, baby." He groans. "Yeah—fuck. That's it. Let me hear those pretty noises." He coos as you continue to whimper in his ear, pushing him right to the edge and meeting his own orgasm. You continue to give off small moans and pants as Seonghwa releases into the condom, keeping your body flush against his as he lets out a deep, guttural moan. Just the way you like it.

And that’s what the first page is like.

A fun, bright-colored fair full of happiness, joy and excitement.

Fireworks from first kisses, first times, first everythings.

The memory thread shifts to other similar events— core memories you’ve also held close to your heart. Memories that trail back to when Seonghwa first met you through Jongho, to your graduation when Seonghwa and the rest of the boys sat in the crowd to support you and Jongho complete another milestone together. As soon as you walked off that stage, you flew straight into his arms— letting him swing you around before planting your feet back on the ground and kissing you with so much love. Appreciation. Happiness.

Then, it shifts to your very first anniversary together. Seonghwa had been working part-time at his grandparents' grocery store and saved up every last dime to take you to the fancy prime rib restaurant you had been eyeing. He kept asking if you wanted to eat there and you'd always say no— that you were just trying to 'peek' at the decor and get a glimpse of their menu, but nothing else.

Seonghwa knew.

His heart fluttered and soared when he saw how surprised you were for that first anniversary. You could barely pay attention to the big bouquet of pink and white peonies in your lap, along with the handwritten, 4 page letter sealed in a white envelope when he pulled up to the parking lot. You looked divine in that skirt and sweater, those knee-high boots that hugged your legs perfectly. You two sat at a booth in the far back corner, keeping your anniversary intimate just as he wanted. He wanted nothing less than the best for his lady. Because not only was it your anniversary, but it was important to Seonghwa in another way.

The two of you took your time scanning the menu until finally deciding. You shyly told Seonghwa you wanted to taste the uni pasta and he happily ordered a plate along with other entrees he knew you'd enjoy the most.

He loves hearing you talk.

And if it wasn't already obvious through the memory thread, it was obvious through his smile, through his sweaty palms. Through the way he hangs onto every word that spills from your lips. It was obvious through the stars he held in his eyes— stars where you sat in front of him, with you being the brightest of them all.

"Hwa."

"Huh?" Seonghwa hadn't realized he had been staring, zoning out, as he continued to admire you from across the table.

"You didn't hear one thing I said, did you?"

"Baby, I did. I was listening."

"Were you?" He nods and laughs when you do that thing you do; you get all whiney and your bottom lip pokes out. You start your story from the top— something about how octopuses have three hearts, but two of them stop beating when they swim. You pouted about swimming stressing them out.

Somehow, he thinks this is the best time to blurt out what's been plaguing his head this entire night. It just feels uncontrollable at this point.

"I-I love you." You pause mid-sentence. Seonghwa fixes on that look you gave him when he first declared his love for you, wholeheartedly. Genuinely. Willingly. Surrendering his all for you when he vowed he wouldn't. Someone who didn't fully understand the concept of love and what it meant to love someone. But, the picture was clearer when he had you. The answer was right in front of him this entire time. You were his lesson, the definition of 'love' in his book.

You were that warmth in his chest, the scribbles of perfect ink across paper, the rainbow after a rainy day. You're just as essential as the air he breathes; the stars, the moon, the sun.

"What did you say?"

"I said I love you, Y/N." Your bottom lip pokes out and you start to tear up, making Seonghwa furrow his brows. "I-I'm sorry, love. Did I say something—"

"So, you don't care about the octopuses? You weren't listening because you were thinking about that?"

"Well, yeah." He chuckles nervously. "I mean, it's not that I don't care. I just thought—"

"Seonghwa. I love you, too." You whine as you come over to him and give him a tight hug, having no care in the world that you're sitting on your man's lap in this dimly lit restaurant.

"My baby." He says against your head before giving you a chaste, sweet kiss on your hair. "I love you." He repeats. "I really, really love you."

"I love you, too." Seonghwa smiles before brushing the hair away from your face delicately.

"Wanna take the rest of this home so we can put on a movie and cuddle?"

"That sounds lovely." You giggle as you get up from his lap, waving the waiter down to ask for some containers and the check. The memory brings those butterflies and those fireworks to life again because throughout the night, as you yapped away and debated over certain topics, Seonghwa still had the same look on his face— the same admiration in his eyes.

It was obvious through the stars he held in his eyes— stars where you sat next to him, with you being the brightest of them all.

You never caught on, and you're grateful to have been able to revisit it even in this circumstance.

Following that moment, the thread picks up at the time you two moved in together; picking out furniture, laying out on the living room floor on the first night.

Making love in all corners of that apartment.

A home feeling like home because Seonghwa was your home.

"Why are your hands ginormous?" You say as you lay on Seonghwa's arm, the both of you lying on the living room floor, staring at the ceiling into nothingness. Seonghwa's laugh rings in your ear, echoes into the room— an empty room with no furniture, but full of real love.

"I need a steady grip for these handlebars." Seonghwa playfully squeezes your ass, making you squeal.

"You're full of shit." You laugh along with him.

"Why do you think I'm joking? I'm serious."

"Shut up." You turn onto your stomach to look at him. "We're really sleeping on the floor tonight?"

"Well my dearest, I don't think we have much of a choice." He chuckles. "We'll get you a good queen-sized bed tomorrow, but for now, we can enjoy the comfort of this brand new carpet. Isn't that exciting?" You giggle and bite as Seonghwa's chest, making him yelp. "Ow!" He flips you down onto your back to hover over you, large hands tickling at your sides. You squeal and try to push him off, but you're unsuccessful. Luckily, Seonghwa stops on his own, giving you a moment to breathe.

"You're so fucking mean!"

"How?! You bit me!" He laughs at your protests and whines, taking this time to eye your features. To adore you. Worship you. Even if the lights are that bright in the living room right now— it doesn't matter.

You're so fucking beautiful.

"Hwa, are you even listening?"

"Nah." He snorts when you smack his arm. "I'm sorry, I was distracted."

"By what?"

"By you, baby. What else? Haven't you learned this by now? Can't focus with you around." He brushes your hair back, peppering you in small, feathery kisses just to hear you squeal and giggle.

Small kisses on your eyes.

Cheeks.

Nose.

Corner of your lips.

"You're so beautiful. And all mine. I love you." Seonghwa says with a smile, letting his lips meet yours for repeated pecks. Something simple, but incredibly affectionate. A way that Seonghwa chooses to show you just how much he adores you and thinks the worl of you.

He would have never thought.

Seonghwa believed that the most beautiful things in life were the most unexpected, even though he was still navigating life’s ups and downs.

A chance encounter.

A surprise gift.

A moment of clarity.

Or, a person, even.

Luckily for him, you just happened to be all three.

—END OF THE FIRST PAGE

“Memory thread closed.” NOVA says softly. “Welcome back, Y/N. You may rest here for a second.”

“God.” You let out a breath. Your body jolts awake from the memory; almost like you were free falling, hitting the end of a dream. “Wow."

“Are you alright?”

“I am.” You pause. “That felt so, so real, and so accurate. Seonghwa recalled every detail perfectly." You breathe out. "It feels nice to go back in time like this and witness it so vividly.” You chuckle a bit. “We happened so.. unexpectedly, I guess? But, we were young and so in love.”

“The best things in life are the ones that occur unexpectedly.”

“He was there at the right times. Always.”

“He cared about you deeply, even if you may have not realized it right away.”

“We had a lot of really, really good times, NOVA.”

“I know.”

“But, we also had a lot of really shitty times.”

“You both cared deeply.”

“Maybe. But, clearly, it wasn’t enough.” You fiddle with your fingers as you mutter. “Can I guess what the next page is?”

“Sure. I am only aware of the emotional aspect of it, so I can tell you if you are right or wrong by that.”

“Is it our shitty times? The times we fought, especially when he—”

“Yes.”

"Damn."

"Take your time. I will not proceed until you are ready. Until then, we can relax here."

"Seonghwa was really my bestfriend. He made me feel so incredibly safe and loved. He made me feel comfortable in my own skin, my own curves."

"He adored you, Y/N." You smile a bit to yourself.

"But, he was also the same person that caused me so much pain and uncertanty. A relationship that felt so whole and pure, was also one that felt incredibly volatile."

"It is part of your story with Seonghwa, and that is what makes it unique. Its own story separate from the rest." You sigh.

"Yeah." You nod. "Yeah, it is. It's always been special to me. For many, many reasons."

"Of course."

"NOVA, I think I'm ready to proceed."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Sit back as I pull up the memory thread." She pauses. "Initializing."

—THE SECOND PAGE

The second page has these tears at the corner, random rips across the edges; foundation, the skeleton, struggling to keep the pages together.

Much like this phase of your relationship with Seonghwa— the phase when you believe love can fix, conquer, all when in fact, it can’t. Not when it’s this broken, when the threads are threatening to rip; loosely hanging onto its last leg of life.

As time went on, you were always excited to continue spending time with Seonghwa and your friends. You were stuck at the hip nearly 24/7, Seonghwa unchanging with his love for you. No matter how hard you pushed his buttons and gave him attitude, he continued to be patient. Kind. Unwavering. And you relied on that. You might have relied on it too much, might have relied on Seonghwa for your happiness too much; because the moment he sat you down and looked at you when he came home that one night— everything was different.

He felt different, the air felt different. It didn’t settle right with you, and maybe, this is why you shouldn’t have relied on him so much because every little shift instantly made you feel worst. Sick. Anxious.

You should've been your own person.

It rings and it rings. It rings in your head, just like it always has. Like a siren, fire alarm.

“I got you your favorite!” You try to lighten up the mood, passing Seonghwa his favorite honeydew shake from one of the beloved restaurants down the street. He claims it’s the only place that gets it right every time; never being too much or too little, and no other place gets it right in the middle like they do.

Even that was not enough to make him smile a little bigger.

“Hwa.” You call his name a little playfully, hoping it could weather the shift in the air, the changes in seasons. “You can talk to me, remember? Whatever it is, I’m sure we can find a way—”

“I was finally offered a year-long internship with the company I’ve been applying to.” You pause before squealing and responding excitedly.

“Babe, that’s amazing! Are you kidding?! That’s everything you wanted, congrats!” You continue on, throwing your arms around him for a hug that he only slightly, barely, reciprocates. “Why aren’t you happy about this, love? It’s—”

“Because it’s in the states.” He blurts out, his hands pressing against your chest and side to create some distance. “It’s in the states, Y/N.”

“Oh.” He watches as you visibly shrink and deflate, and his throat tightens. This is not how he wanted to spend his evening with you, but he needed to tell you sooner or later.

He needed to tell you that he was taking it, and that he was going.

That adjustments had to be made while he'd be away.

“W-well that’s okay, love! Take it! We can adjust and figure things out as we go, we’ll be okay.” You say confidently, but Seonghwa knows it’s eating you alive and he’s torn between making it work and not letting you suffer.

Because he loves you, but he loves you enough to let you go, especially if this will hinder you.

But, he loves you. He can’t even think about letting you go right now.

He’s so torn. It pulls at his heart strings, especially when you swallow and try to brush off the tears that are forming.

He’s so torn. It pulls at his heart strings when you grab Hwabear in an attempt to soothe the anxiety that’s building. You always do that when you feel uneasy.

He’s so torn. It pulls at his heart strings when you reach for his hands next and continue to reassure him.

“We’ll be okay, yeah? We can figure this out.”

“Baby, I’m leaving for a year.” Seonghwa says quietly.

“So? You’re just gonna give up like that without even trying?”

“No, it’s not even that. I just.. don’t wanna hold you back or anything.” He finds anything to cover the way he truly feels. Deep down, it’s not just about holding you back.

"Stop. That's breakup talk."

"I mean it—"

“You won’t. You could never. W-we could make this work, Hwa. Don’t you want to?”

“Y/N—” You move closer and cup his cheeks.

“Hwa, can’t we make this work? I believe we can. We can do this.” He falters, softens in your hold. Of course he believes you two can do it— the one thing he won’t forgive himself for is messing it up in any way. Cause he knows he will unintentionally, and he doesn’t wanna disappoint you. Make you sad. Angry. Upset. He wants the you that he has now, and he wants to hold onto it for as long as he can.

That’s why he’s scared.

Even then, he still responds with—

“Yeah, we can.” He says softly. “I’m just afraid of disappointing you, Y/N.”

“You won’t. Remember? You could never. W-We trust each other, right? We can figure out a schedule that works for us despite the distance and time zones.” You caress his cheek. “We can do this, baby.”

“Yeah.” He nods. “We can.” He does feel more confident hearing your reassurance and god, you make him weak. With you, all things seem possible and that’s why he loves you.

It’s just sad when things don’t go as planned.

As time went on, it only proved that even the love that you carry for each other, the love you hold so deeply, isn’t enough to make things possible.

When Seonghwa started his internship, things felt normal. As normal as can be. The time difference was the worst struggle at most, sacrificing proper sleep just to FaceTime. To hear each other's voice. To give the play by play;

To hear those sweet noises Seonghwa wishes he could hear in person. Right beside you, in bed.

It got hard, but things got even harder.

Seonghwa would fly back home and visit when he had the chance, but you could tell, at some point, the journey was taking a toll on him. You wanted to believe distance made the heart grow fonder, but for some reason, it only pushed you two further and further away. Over time, Seonghwa got busier. His schedule was packed enough that he would be too tired to catch you, to spend time with you on the phone. He figured picking up as much responsibilities as possible meant it'd secure him his dream job, a spot in the company that's been a dream of his. And, you understood that. You knew it meant a lot to him, so you never argued. Never bit back when you could sense the annoyance in his voice.

Conversations would be flat.

It led to a lot of overthinking, lots of questions that Seonghwa felt like it was unnecessary to answer. Because 'what do you mean I don't wanna talk to you? I'm just tired,' he'd say.

'I'm not being pushing you away for anything, I literally just got busy and it slipped my mind.'

Countless. Time and time again.

But, instead of talking about it like you used to, you and Seonghwa ended up brushing it under the rug. Which, was unusual. You just didn't wanna push. Didn't wanna push and let your thoughts consume you.

When Seonghwa arrived during one of his visits, he was the same in some ways, but a majority of him started to feel really unfamiliar.

Little did you know, it would've been his last visit. His last time holding you, kissing you, making love to you like you were the only thing that mattered in this entire world. The last time you mattered overall. So you thought.

You and Seonghwa had spent time together, but it seemed like a chore to him the more he visited. That was the first red flag. That smile he once wore was gone, his laughs felt half-assed and more like a courtesy check than anything. He didn't overshare about his job like he used to— giving you all the juicy gossip he had learned over time so the two of you could analyze and put out your theories.

Nothing.

You don't even remember the last thing he told you. He doesn't seem to care to keep you updated anymore.

You cling onto his arm while doing some groceries, and the next red flag was the fact that he didn't throw his arm around you and keep you close to his side. It was a small gesture, but his way of protecting you and letting you know just how much he loved you; sealing it with a kiss to the forehead, temple.

Nothing.

"Hwa." You pout a bit and he just looks down at you, cocking up a brow. "You aren't holding me close like you normally do."

"We're just in the grocery store, Y/N. We're almost done." He says as he pushes the cart forward as the checkout line moves up.

"Never stopped you before."

"Don't start that, okay? You don't need to overthink every little thing."

"Sorry." You mumble as Seonghwa pushes forward until he greets the cashier, waiting for her to scan the items and bag them up so he can get the fuck out of here. He feels suffocated, and he's not sure when he started to feel that way. He's not even sure why. Maybe it's the fact that he's been so damn exhausted flying back and forth. Maybe it's the fact that he still feels like he can't fully embrace and enjoy himself while being out in the states. Maybe it's the fact that he feels like the relationship is running its course, and he's just not sure how to salvage it.

It just doesn't feel the same, but he won't blame himself, no. He'll blame the distance, the exhaustion, the internship. Anything but himself.

When you two finally make it out of the grocery store and back to the apartment, Seonghwa doesn't say much. You put away the groceries, and he slips himself into the shower. You try to be cute after you finish up in the kitchen and head to the bathroom to join him. You give the shower door a few knocks, untying your robe as Seonghwa swings the door open.

"Can I join you?"

"Yeah." He says, but he doesn't respond right away. There's a brief silence while he eyes you up and down, then the answer follows. That's the other red flag. He had to think twice when he never used to think about it at all.

You step into the shower, immediately lathering some shampoo onto your hair before rinsing it off and continuing with conditioner. As soon as you wash the rest of it off, Seonghwa starts peppering the side of your neck with chaste kisses, his large hands resting on your hips. His kisses start to get a bit more aggressive as he works his way up to your jaw, gripping it tightly to lock lips with your in a sloppy kiss.

"Face the wall, baby." He says huskily as he pulls away, his hand still gripping your jaw. You nod, letting him plant you against the wall— facing towards it instead of facing him. Which was already odd enough coming from him because he normally loved having you face him— underneath, on top. Whatever the position, he needed to see you. He needed to see the faces you made, the way he made you feel. He loved seeing it.

But tonight, he had too many things running through his mind that he couldn't even focus on you. That might've already been obvious to you.

He places a hand against the wall near your face, still peppering your shoulders and neck with random kisses before he lines himself up and pushes his cock in with no warning. You whimper in response, not feeling the usual gentleness from Seonghwa tonight.

"Hwa." You whine as he grips your hips and starts to work his hips into you at a steady, rough pace. He groans, slapping your ass in response to the pleasure he feels coursing through his veins. "Hwa—"

"Like that?" There were times when you and Seonghwa experimented a bit in bed, getting a little rougher than usual or trying other positions, toys, etc., just to see how it'd feel. Tonight though, you couldn't pinpoint if he was trying out more of his rougher side or if this was a chore to him, but it didn't feel the same. It felt different.

There wasn't the same comfort, softness, behind his kisses, his moves, the way he held you.

It's like he wanted to pleasure you, but at the same time, it wasn't something he was all that interested in doing. With you at least.

"Yeah, babe." You whimper. "Wanna see you, love."

"Feels too good like this, though." He moans, bending you over slightly so he can pound into you at the right angle. "Tell me how I make you feel."

"So, so good." You whine as he continues to make his way with you.

"Only me, right? Only I can do that, right?"

"Yes." You mewl. "God, Hwa. Yes. Just you."

"Good girl." Another thing that might've been obvious to you was the fact that Seonghwa loved taking his time with you, just as you, but tonight, that was not the case. He loved relishing in the feeling, loved keeping the pleasure and intimacy going for as long as he can. Keeping the fire alive for as long as possible.

Tonight, he wasn't worried about that it seems. He wasn't worried about you. He wanted to feel something out of this, but that's as far as it goes.

"Fuck, I'm close." He pants, moving deeper, faster, into you. Like there's some kind of rush, somewhere he needs to be— at that's at the finish line of this, nothing more, nothing less.

"Just like that." You moan repeatedly. "God, yes!" Your hand comes down to rub at your clit, knowing it'll push you to your own high tonight when Seonghwa won't.

"Come for me, baby girl. Let me hear you."

"Oh, fuck!" You whine loudly and it echoes in the bathroom, bouncing off the shower walls. "Hwa, baby!"

"That's it." His arm wraps around your waist as he continues at the usual fast pace, feeling you tighten all around him. "There you go, baby. That's it." He coos as you call his name like a mantra, reaching your high. Your body trembles and tenses as it rides through it, your forehead pressed against the cold wall. Your ears are ringing and everything feels like white noise that you barely hear Seonghwa let out that deep, guttural moan when he reaches his own release and spills his seed inside of you. Coating your walls with his thick cum and filling you up nicely.

"Fuck." You repeat as you try to regulate your own breathing. He doesn't waste another minute before he's pulling out and planting another quick kiss to your cheek, tapping your hips to grab your attention.

"We should wash up and get out of here." You turn and he's already grabbing his body wash off of the shelf, lathering it on his body. His caramel skin. You silently do the same, rubbing the body wash into your skin; for some reason, you feel dirty tonight. Something easily disposable and not worth any time.

He doesn't say anything else to you in the shower.

Post-shower, Seonghwa slips into bed next to you. He throws an arm over your waist, but the grip isn't tight. His chest isn't entirely pressed against your back, and the two of you lay in silence in this dark, dark room; a room that once felt warm and cozy, now only feels ice cold.

"Why do you feel so distant, Seonghwa?" You whisper suddenly, unable to deal with the awkward tension and quietness that goes by with every ticking minute. "You're right there, but you feel so far away."

"Didn't I tell you to stop overthinking?" He glares at you, sighing heavily. Because lately, every time he comes home, it turns to this. The questions, the tears. Again, Seonghwa won't blame himself. He could do better, and he should communicate. He should be honest with you because he cares about you deeply, that has never changed.

Being in love with you? That might've changed over time. Especially if the long trips home equate to this.

"I'm not overthinking." You sit up and look at him. "Why don't we talk about it like it is?" He groans.

"There isn't anything to talk about—"

"Yes, there is!" Your voice raises. "It feels like you're sick of me—

"Maybe because I am! Of this!" He pauses, and he could probably hear your heart shatter to a million pieces. "Every time I come home, all we do is fight. And it starts because of this!" The adrenaline is running through his veins. "Don't you get tired?! Don't you ever think about how long this fucking trip is for me? But, I still do it for you!"

"What do you want me to do?! You aren't giving me anything, and I'm so tired of feeling like you don't want this anymore. Why can't you just tell me you love me? Or that things are okay? Just like you used to." You start to cry into your hands and this is the moment Seonghwa realizes he just has to man the fuck up and say it.

He can't do this anymore.

You can't do this anymore.

He hates seeing you cry, but something he hates even more is being the reason why you're crying. Why you're so sad, why you question and overthink everything.

He hates being the reason why.

"Y/N." He says softly. “Y/N.” He repeats. Seonghwa’s tears are streaking his cheeks, chest rising and falling as he tries to keep his composure. “We can’t do this anymore.”

“I hate you.” You cry. “I hate you, I hate you.” You repeat, the ache in your chest only growing the more you look at Seonghwa standing in front of you. He’s crying just as hard as you are, but you don’t know if it’s because he’s tired or if he truly doesn’t wanna do this.

If he’s sick of you, if he’s been done with the relationship.

Either way, the thought strings along and wraps a tight knot around your heart; the ache almost unbearable when you step back and find Seonghwa slowly gathering his things.

He's giving up on you.

“Why the hell did you come here if you didn’t wanna be here?”

“No one ever said I didn’t wanna be here, Y/N! But, look at us. This is all we do.”

“I hate you.”

“I’d rather you hate me than us continuing to hurt each other.” He says, almost pleading. “I can’t anymore. I hate seeing you cry, I hate hearing how disappointed you get when my schedule gets busy. I hate that we aren’t happy anymore.”

“But, we can be happy. I just don't know what I need to fix, tell me what I need to fix so that we can be—"

"Nothing. It's not you, baby. We just.." He sighs as the tears keep coming down. "We just can't. The more we keep doing this, the more we keep pushing the inevitable."

"I hate you." You repeat, and it tears him apart. "You said it'd always be us. You lied, you never meant it."

"Of course I did, but I need you to understand we are on two different pages right now. I tried for so long to keep this up, to keep this going. Spending all the money I have left on me make the trek back home to visit you and be with you, but it hasn't felt the same for awhile. We fight, we argue. The distance just keeps pushing us away, and I think we need to do our own thing. I don't wanna hold you back while you're here. You deserve someone who could give you everything and be there for you all the time. I can't anymore. I—" He looks at you as the tears well up in his eyes. "I need to focus on where I'm going, and that means I just can't put you as my priority right now. You know how much this means to me." You continue to sob, and sob. Because he's right. You are holding him back.

That hurts the most.

"We could do this together. You said we'd figure it out. I don't want anyone or anything else. I just want you."

"This is us figuring it out." He says lowly. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I love you more than anything in this world, and that's why I need to let you go. That's why we need to let this go because we've only wanted the best for each other and I can't do this anymore." He barely finishes his sentence before he's crying, too.

Besides pain, you hear the exhaustion dripping in his breath.

And before you knew it, Seonghwa's things were packed. Out of the apartment you once shared with the love your life. Your safe haven, your light.

Now, there's empty space in the closet. A big too bed for one person to use. Lights flickering because they aren't so bright anymore. Couch space left unshared. A dining table for a party of one. RSVPs signed with a total guest number of one, now with your forever plus one gone with the blink of an eye.

Finally, you get a glimpse of how this felt for Seonghwa when all you knew was your own story. In the same thread, he manages to show you how he cried his entire way back to the airport. On the plane. At his apartment in the states. He showed you how he picked up his phone multiple times to call and text, but nothing came out if it and you knew that so, so well. Because those same moments are what brought you to stay in bed for multiple days, crying with no appetite and seemingly no end to all this hurt and betrayal you felt.

Seonghwa had easily disposed of you, the relationship. Something you thought was real, was your forever. Your own fairytale story you could revisit without having to pull out your favorite Disney movies.

For some reason, Seonghwa never ended up calling. He never ended up texting. He never did any of that even though in this thread, he thought of you constantly and couldn't get his mind off of you. He was always looking at old photos. Listening to songs you enjoyed. He'd go on about his day at work, suddenly having to pull himself into an office just to get himself together because he felt overwhelmingly sad, empty. He'd wonder how you were doing, forcefully having to divert his thoughts to something else— anything else, just to get his mind off of you.

Like this one night that you're seeing through his eyes; one night that he's willingly opening up to you about through this thread. This memory box.

Seonghwa had flown home to celebrate his mother's birthday, and you knew that. You knew he'd come home because there was no way he'd miss his mother's birthday. But of course, you didn't hear from him. He'd come home and separately hang out with the boys just to avoid seeing you. He just couldn't do it, and most importantly, he didn't wanna make things awkward between anyone. This was what he was saying about falling in love with friends.

Close friends.

Someone dear to your heart before the relationship even began.

That's why he vowed from the beginning. The reluctance.

His family heads out to dinner at his mom's favorite steakhouse, and he was excited for it. After some time of working his ass off with a side of heartbreak, he felt like the break with his family was much needed. For a second, he felt like he could breathe.

He'll soon learn that these moments don't last long, and he might've thought he was over it. Clearly, he wasn't.

He sits at the table as they eat away at their main courses. He's laughing and engaging in conversation, blushing when his grandparents dote on him for all his achievements and for making a life out there in the states even though it's hard to be away from family. He orders his favorite prime rib with the creamed spinach and mashed potatoes, indulging in the cheese bread and oil they provide as appetizers. He's taking a swig of the red wine they ordered, eyes roaming the restaurant at the other families sitting around.

Couples.

Celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, promotions. New milestones.

Or, simply being with each other. To just be.

Seonghwa feels you creeping back into his mind again. Like a spider marking its territory with their webs; he feels tangled in the silk. In you.

He thought he was over it.

Suddenly, he's flooded with memories and all these deep feelings again. He thinks about your anniversary. He thinks about sharing space with you at that apartment. He thinks about the time he used to come home and head straight to the apartment so he could hug you, hold you, kiss you. Make love to you. How all of his time was dedicated to you. He remembers hearing your sweet voice everytime he picked up the phone to call you— you were always there, no matter the time, distance. He remembers the electricity in your touch, the way he'd always hear fireworks go off when the two of you made love.

He remembers it all. How could he forget?

And now, he doesn't have that part of him anymore. His days completely altered, different. Almost empty and lonely. He is to blame and he's not sure if he'll ever understand the merit of his actions and if this was meant to be a good or bad thing for you two. Life just works in funny ways, and this is one of those cases where he'll never make the connection.

It's almost like the world wants to punish him even more because as soon as they leave the restaurant, he swears hears you. He swears on everything he hears you. And, all is confirmed when he shifts his attention across the street and he sees you hanging out with Jongho, Yunho and a few other people from uni. Your group was too engaged in conversation to notice him, thankfully. Because Seonghwa feels like his body has turned to jello seeing your smile. Your eyes. Hearing your voice and laugh.

Fuck.

He can't linger on it for long before his mother holds onto his arm and thanks him for the beautiful birthday dinner. She leans her head against his arm and continues to tell him how proud she is of all his accomplishments. She knows it's been hard for her son and she acknowledges that. She reminds him how amazing he is for working hard and pushing through despite the hiccups. She calls Seonghwa her hero for being so brave and for going after what he wants.

Too bad he doesn't even feel like that right now.

He gets home and bids his family farewell with a big smile on his face after he gets ready for bed. But, as soon as he shuts the door to his room, he crumbles. Seonghwa isn't sure what takes over him, but he's hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness. And as you witness this through the thread, you feel the wave of emotions as if you were literally in his shoes. Like it's physically and mentally ruining him and swallowing him whole . You watch as he tries to sit with his feelings and process them, but for the life of him, he can't make sense of it.

Before he knows it, he's sobbing in his bed.

It's all these feelings crashing down on him. All this time of having a façade, of having to remain strong and brush off his feelings— tuck them under the rug because he didn't wanna show a side of weakness. Of being vulnerable. He didn't want to show this side of him even though he was aching, dying, on the inside. He didn't understand how the relationship spiraled downhill so fast, and until now, he has this big, hollow hole within his heart. A space that was once claimed by you— now blue and grey, an empty igloo.

He misses you so, so much.

And he's so fucking sorry for having put you through all of that because you didn't deserve it.

He's sorry for the times he purposely pushed you away. He's sorry for the times he made you feel like things were your fault even though they weren't. He's sorry for being short with you. He's sorry for the times he made you feel unloved, especially when that was far from the case. For giving up.

Yet still, he never contacted you even though you were left wondering whether or not he thought about you. If he remembered your time together. If he even cared.

But, the damage has been done. And for Seonghwa, he couldn't look back. You deserved someone who could be there for you and give you their all. Who wouldn't be too tired, who wouldn't think of this and as you as a chore. Someone who wouldn't make you worry or anxious over their every move, their every thought. Someone who would just do better and be better.

Someone who wasn't Seonghwa, even though he didn't think anyone could love you more than he did.

That was his point of fully letting go.

And you saw it all.

—END OF THE SECOND PAGE

"Oof." You let out a sharp exhale as the thread closes, almost like the wind getting knocked right out of your chest. The pain felt all too real again— the hurt, the crying, the lonely nights; it all felt too, too real. You remember those feelings like it was yesterday, and you don't think part of you ever really properly healed from it. This might have been the first time you've ever confronted it the way you were supposed to.

"Are you alright, Y/N?"

"I'm not sure. It was.. interesting to see through Seonghwa's eyes during this time." You sigh shakily. "I don't know how it makes me feel, NOVA. I don't know if this makes things better or worse."

"Do you want to talk about it? What is on your mind?"

"I mean, somehow, it makes me feel better knowing we were feeling the same things. It wasn't just me. For the longest time, I felt crazy. I felt like I was the only one who really cared about our relationship. Like I was the only one who wanted it and wanted to fight for it." You pause. "But, hearing Seonghwa's thoughts. Feeling his feelings, seeing what he did during those moments in time. It makes everything I went through.. oddly justified. But, at the same time, I just have so many questions. Mainly, 'why?'" You sigh. "Sorry, I'm not sure I'm explaining this properly."

"You are. It seems like Seonghwa made himself believe that you deserved someone better than him. That he could not be that person for you after the breakup." NOVA pauses. "After breaking up and leaving someone he considered the love of his life. It seems as if he believed he could not bounce back from his mistakes and felt it was better to leave you be. To let you move on."

"I wish he had just talked to me, NOVA. I really wish he had just talked to me because deep down, I know we could have made this work no matter how tired and overwhelmed he felt. We could've made it."

"I am sorry, Y/N. However, as difficult as it was, things played out the way they should have. It was the way it was meant to be. It does not change the fact that you were a very important person in Seonghwa's life and vice versa, though."

"Right."

"I will give you a moment." You nod as if she can see you. You give yourself some time to reflect on the thoughts and feelings Seonghwa rode through, bringing a whole new light to this time in your life. Obviously, it doesn't feel great to know he suffered just as much as you did. But, it helped seeing his perspective and how he coped.

Although you don't regret anything and agree with NOVA's statement, you still wondered why. You wondered why Seonghwa didn't just talk to you, why he didn't say anything.

Did he really not believe in his ability to make things better with you?

Did he not believe in himself?

"Okay, I think I'm ready."

"Sure?"

"Yes."

"Initializing third page."

—THE THIRD PAGE

The third page is almost empty; there’s almost no words written on the page. Because there isn’t anything left of you and Seonghwa, although your heart has always felt otherwise.

When Seonghwa moved out, he stayed in the states to transition into a full-time position at the company he did his internship at. You’ve watched Seonghwa from afar, and you were happy. He was thriving in the states, he was working his ass off and he was chasing after his dreams. He fell into a few relationships, but none that lasted as long as yours.

You’ve had your share of a few curt relationships that didn’t last through the seasons, couldn’t weather the storms. Quite frankly, it wasn’t really worth it to you.

But, seeing Seonghwa's memories of him living his life, enjoying all the sights to see, made you realize just how much you needed that space. You realized how much he appreciated it because he thrived. He opened up to you a little more in this thread, showing just how much he accomplished. He lived a good life and fulfilled his dreams before he left the world, and for that, you're forever grateful. That was worth it to you.

It was the most painful, most pivotal, moment in your life. But, it was also the peak of life's blessings because the both of you landed in great positions— living out fruitful lives.

It was a blessing in disguise. A blessing and a curse. A duality where good and bad intertwine.

He was happy and you were happy, even though the distance kept you apart. Then, just like that, your reunion came just as quickly as time flew by. The thread pulls up a memory from Hongjoong’s wedding— one you'll now forever hold close to your heart and cherish.

“Aye!” Hongjoong's voice rings as he comes rushing towards Seonghwa and Wooyoung. His brows are furrowed and he looks a little nervous, panicked? Too unlike someone who literally just got married not too long ago and is about to celebrate with his family and loved ones. "Seen Y/N?"

"Uh." Wooyoung looks around. "No, but—"

"She's right there." Seonghwa nods towards the long buffet area off to the side. You had just come out of the resort, guiding the caterers to the table and making sure all the food and drinks are set out properly and that nothing was left off the list.

"Oh, thank God." He says. Wooyoung and Seonghwa watch the groom rush towards you, feeling a bit panicked about something. Seonghwa can't exactly make out what's happening at first, even though he's trying his damn hardest not to eavesdrop. But, it's clear that you were quick to diffuse the situation, especially with that bright, beautiful smile of yours—just like you always do. "Y/N. Y/N." He repeats as he abruptly pulls you away from the caterers. "I can't do it."

"What? Can't do what?"

"The surprise. The surprise for my wife. I just can't. It's gonna end up horribly and she'll remember it forever, and I'll just be a joke to her—" You instantly reassure him and calm him down, giving his arm a squeeze.

"Hey, no. Stop that right now. She would absolutely love it, Hongjoong. She's your wife." You look at him with a small smile. "Remember the times she's kept all your handwritten letters, all your scribbles on those restaurant napkins. The ripped out pages from your notebook. All because she loved how incredibly poetic you were and how everything you wrote was art? She's your number one fan, Joong. Just like you're hers." Hongjoong lets out an exhale and starts to come back to himself, nodding in agreement.

"You're right. You're right. God, my baby. My wife. Always been there for me throughout everything." He says, doing a slight head tilt as if he was verbally reminding himself out loud about their love and how deep it ran.

"Exactly. So, please don't back out. Especially because I already carved out some time for you in the schedule and it's already on all the printouts." Hongjoong laughs.

"Thanks. Seriously, what would we do without you? This whole day couldn't have been possible without you."

"I got you." You give him a playful nudge before Hongjoong's attention diverts elsewhere before returning back to you.

"You know, uh. Seonghwa's right over there. Have you greeted him yet?" You both briefly glance at Seonghwa, and Seonghwa feels the heat rise to his cheeks. What if he just got caught listening in on everything? He's at a distance, but still close enough. And now, you both just caught him starting. Fuck.

"No." You giggle, seeing Seonghwa lick his lips and quickly divert his attention back to Wooyoung. "I've been running around like a headless chicken trying to make sure everything's all taken care of before everyone shows up."

"Well, I'm sure he'd love it if you pulled him away from Wooyoung."

"Yeah, I'm sure." You laugh.

"First time in a long time, no?"

"First time in a long time." You turn towards the reception entrance where Seonghwa and Wooyoung now stand, and you feel your skin get warm. Because you love Seonghwa, and he loves you. That has never changed. Especially when you see him in front of you, donned in a white dress shirt and dress slacks— sipping on water while he continues to chat and catches up with Wooyoung off to the side.

Especially when he sees you in that beautifully long sage, mesh dress that hugs your body perfectly.

Seonghwa feels his heart thumping hard in his chest.

"Simp." Wooyoung looks at you, then back at Hwa. "Knew your ass was never over her."

"The hell are you talking about?" Wooyoung smirks.

"Oookay." He snorts. "Is this the first time you two are in the same place again?"

"Yeah, basically."

"You really haven't talked for that long?" Seonghwa shakes his head. "Avoided her for that long?"

"I wasn't avoiding her."

"Hm, wonder why we couldn't hang out all together over the years then."

"Shut up. I just thought she was mad at me. Or like she hates me. I don't really wanna make it awkward for people."

"All in your head." Wooyoung snickers before nudging him. "Anyway. Maybe you can just, I don't know, push that aside for tonight? I'm sure she wants to catch up and all." Seonghwa nods silently, sipping on more water before Hongjoong starts pacing over and calling his groomsmen to follow him.

Besides running around and making sure the final details for Hongjoong's wedding reception were all good to go, the reception goes on smoothly. Seonghwa could tell you were holding your breath the entire time, hoping their wouldn't be hiccups in the program, the tech, or even the food.

But it all went well, and truth be told, you felt accomplished having worked a close friend's wedding. You had made the career switch when an old coworker had asked you for your opinion and ideas on certain things for her wedding, making you realize that this was something you wanted to do full-time. And surprisingly, people trusted you even if you weren't as seasoned compared to most planners on the market. You enjoy every second of it, and it has helped you meet new people along the journey— people you now consider good friends. But of course, working one of your bestfriends' weddings was going to be much more nervewracking than the rest. You wanted to make sure Hongjoong and his wife were able to celebrate this incredibly important milestone in their lives, and you didn't want anything to go wrong.

After all, they had been good to you. They had been good to you, especially when you felt like you didn't have anyone around. When you were lonely and felt like the whole world was caving in on you.

Seonghwa continues to watch you from his seat— eyes going left and right as you rush around to make sure everything is going well. You finally let out that breath you've been holding, grabbing yourself a drink at the open bar off to the corner once the dance portion of the night begins. He hadn't said a word to you all night, mainly out of fear and not wanting to be a disturbance while you put on your boss lady hat, but he wasn't gonna let that be the situation for the remainder of the night. He takes a big swig of his water, loosening his tie a bit as he walks over to the corner where you're finally eating your slice of cake while observing the party. Bobbing around to the music.

He thinks you're the cutest thing just stuffing your face with that fresh cream strawberry cake.

He'll never forget that look on your face when he was getting closer and closer; those big, beautiful eyes widening while you wiped some cream off of your lips. He chuckles a bit, digging his hands into his pockets while tilting his head to the side.

"Seonghwa. Hi."

"Hey Y/N. Enjoying that cake?"

"So much. God, it's good. I did good." He laughs, looking off to the side before directing his attention back to you.

“Things don’t change, do they?”

“I guess not.” Seonghwa smiles at you, his body providing the warmth you need to soothe the cold that’s been slowly taking over your body after these years. The hug lasts for awhile before he pulls away, eyes landing on yours. "Still drunk?" He did see you gulping those cocktails in between time; at least, you were trying to enjoy yourself without stressing too much.

"A bit, yeah." You look at him. "Want a drink? I feel like I haven't seen you drink all night. It's kinda unlike you." He chuckles and shakes his head.

"Nah, I'm good. Water's good for me. Just.. trying to keep myself healthy, I guess." You nod silently as he shifts topics. "Trying to dance or..?"

"Walk to the beach?"

"Thought we'd be on the same wavelength." You smile as you set your empty plate aside. Seonghwa puts out his arm for you to take as you two walk down towards the beach and away from the chaotic crowd. The walk is quiet, but it's comfortable, and it feels nice to be in Seonghwa's company despite the silent years that have gone by.

"You were hiding all night?" He laughs and looks at you.

"No, I just didn't wanna bother you while you were busy."

"I would've made time."

"Would you? Cause every time I looked in one corner, you were already at the next checking on something else." You giggle.

"Just wanted to make the night perfect for those two."

"And you did. Everyone's having a great tine. It was a beautiful way to honor them."

"Thank you, Hwa." He nods as he takes you to the sand, letting you sit down first before joining you. You let out another deep exhale, listening to the waves crash against the shore a few feet ahead— the full moon shining brightly up above. "It's been a long time." You tilt your head to look at him. "You look good."

"You do, too."

"How's it been?"

"Mm, okay." He says and you raise a brow.

"Just okay? Things seem to be okay in the states, no? You've been promoted to a leadership role in a short amount of time, and you seem to be enjoying it down there."

"I am, don't get me wrong. I haven't been able to come home as often, though. Makes me feel a bit homesick."

"Too busy?"

"Mmyeah." He lies, but you wouldn't know that at the time. It's partially the truth, but there's other things on his mind. "There's talks about them opening a branch here in Seoul."

"That'll be good! Is it gonna happen soon?"

"I don't think so. It's still in the early planning stages, but who knows."

"Ah." You nudge him playfully before chuckling. "You've got time." Time. Time is such a funny concept now that he's been subjected to a timeline. Specific time constraints.

"Yeah, guess so." He gives you a tiny, toothless smile and you can't help but keep your eyes on him. No matter what, Seonghwa was always looked good to you. He was always so handsome, so damn attractive. And he is especially tonight, with the way the moon bounces off of his skin, his black hair perfectly framing his face.

But Seonghwa is tired, and you'll never know that.

"What is it?"

"I just.. I don't know. It's a bit overwhelming after the past years."

"I know. I'm happy to see you, though. And, I'm glad you're doing well for the most part. You seem to be happy."

"Just trying to live life to the fullest? As cliché as it sounds."

"That's good." He smiles.

"I trust you've been well?"

"As can be, yeah. I switched careers and started my own little wedding planner business— hence." You look around you as if to signal the fruit of your labor.

"You're amazing at it, I can tell. Today was beautiful, and I'm sure they both appreciate it and owe it to you."

"I hope so. I enjoy what I do. A lot."

"That's great. How are your parents?"

"Good. Yours?"

"Same. Trying to keep safe and healthy."

"Yeah." You giggle. "I guess I have no complaints. It took awhile to convince my parents that things would eventually end up okay, but here I am."

"Doing great. And, I know you'll continue to go far, love." You feel the heat rise to your cheeks when he says the usual petname. Something so familiar, yet unfamiliar after all these years.

"I hope so. I hope I can travel the world and see more places, work with more people."

"You will. You've always had the grit and determination. I can only imagine all the things you'll accomplish after seeing this all come to fruition tonight. Besides, you never take no for an answer." You laugh loudly."

"Got that right." You playfully nudge him with your arm. "Thank you, Hwa."

"You're welcome." He says softly, eyes meeting yours again as you look up at him so sweetly. He just can't stop staring, and he's not even ashamed about it at this point.

"What is it now?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie." You gently pinch his bicep and he gives off a small yelp.

"I just.. missed you."

"I missed you, too." He gives you another tiny, toothless smile. There's so much he wants to tell you, so many things he should tell you. But, he doesn't want to ruin this moment, and the last thing he wants is to make you sad or upset. He's had his fair share of doing so and it'll always be something he wished he could've handled differently. "You okay?" No, he thinks. Not with this secret that he's harboring, with the timer on his life now ticking down day by day. Instead of telling you and opening up this part of reality he chooses to bury— hoping it'll all be a dream, something he can wake up from and carry on with his life normally— he just nods and looks out to the sea.

"Yeah, I am. Best I've felt in awhile." You chuckle, taking that sentence in harmlessly. You sit on the sand next to Seonghwa, the comfort you always felt around him coming back as if it never left. You find yourself resting your head on his shoulder while he throws an arm around you, watching the sun dip below the horizon peacefully. It's like this for a few minutes, the both of you just taking in the scene. Each other. Then, Hwa breaks the silence first. "Wanna head back for that dance?"

"Sure." You laugh, grabbing Seonghwa's hand to stand on your two feet after he's brushed the sand off of his pants. You do the same with your dress, following him back towards the party with your hand loosely in his. He takes you straight to the dance floor, turning you around to dance with you and hold you close— enjoying every slow dance and hype dance he has with you.

Because he knows he may not be able to have this again.

And throughout the night, the more he pushes his worries aside and keeps you close, the more he sees that look in your eyes. The one that tells him you want more than just to have him on the dance floor. You want more than just to have fun with him and your friends on this momentous night. You want more, and Seonghwa can't give you more. As much as he wants to.

He knows it'll be unfair, and he knows he'll end up hurting you again— even though, it's not in the way anyone expects.

At one point post slow-dance, your face is only inches away from his and he almost can't find the will to pull away from you, to keep you at a distance. He cups your cheeks and caresses the surface with his thumbs, placing a soft kiss to the corner of your lips before pressing them against yours fully. And fuck, is it hurting him so bad because he could finally have you the way he wanted to. Finally do this right and be better about not taking advantage of your love, your support. Of finally being the man he could be for you no matter the distance. He's learned after all these years that you have never left his heart and he doesn't think you ever will.

But, he can't do this. It's too late to undo things now, and he no longer has the time to make up for his mistakes. For his regrets. He'll forever hold that against himself and take it to the grave.

"You've always been so, so beautiful, Y/N. You were the best thing that happened to me, and I'll never forget everything you've done for me." He brushes the hair away from your face before planting a kiss to your forehead— a token Seonghwa thing to do, something he did often to share his love in small, affectionate ways.

Even though it meant everything to him. The world.

Just like you.

"Thank you." He follows up at a whisper. "Thank you so much, even though I didn't really deserve it at times. You never faltered."

"And thank you, for loving me the way you did." He slightly chuckles. Somehow, having this moment with you brought him peace despite how much his heart is aching. In the end, you don't hate him and you don't harbor any ill feelings after everything that's happened.

It's enough to finally close out this chapter of his book.

Enough to give you one last kiss before he walks out of that venue in peace, with closure.

That was the very last time Seonghwa was with you.

—END OF THE THIRD PAGE

“Those are our latest and last memories together, NOVA. Why is it called a four page letter if there isn’t a fourth page?”

“There is.” She pauses. “Seonghwa left behind enough emotional and cognitive data to simulate a final interaction. This is not pre-recorded. It is responsive though, built from his emotional history with you.” NOVA pauses. “Everything he says and does is taken from this archive, from that cognitive data we have, especially from his final moments. His final thoughts and final feelings. It will be Seonghwa as if he were there with you today."

"W-wow." Is all you manage to stay, because what else can you say? Were you really ready to witness this? Knowing you wouldn't get the love your life back in the flesh, but through this simulation?

"Would you like to proceed with one last session? No pressure.”

“What happens if I don’t, NOVA?”

“Nothing happens. We will just conclude and leave off here.” You shakily sigh. “But, you will not be able to revisit your decision as the patch is a one-time use only.” You sit there in silence for a moment, pondering your decision. In the end, even if you couldn't have Seonghwa back, even if you couldn't replay time to be with him once more, you figured this would be better than regretting that decision. After all, you still wanted to hear what Seonghwa would say to you.

You're sure it'd be just like him. Especially with the emotional notes.

“Y-yes. I’ll proceed with the last session.”

“A friendly reminder that this will look exactly like Seonghwa and it will feel like him. But, it is not him. Do you understand?”

“I do.”

“Okay to proceed still?”

“Yes.”

“Running the final simulation.”

—THE FINAL PAGE

At first, you don't really know where you're standing. You're on a street, cars passing by. The sky is painted with pink, purple and orange hues, and it feels warm. You look left and right, seeing a bunch of small restaurants and stores lined up against the streets. Your eyes land on the automated yellow duck waving against the window of one of those shops down the street and that was enough to make you realize you knew exactly where you were at.

You cross the street once the walk sign turns on, heading straight onto the path ahead of you. You find an individual standing just a few feet away, the full head of lucious black hair being one thing you'll always be familiar with.

“H-Hwa?” He turns, a smile on his face. And it’s the same exact smile you remember— the same smile that made you feel warm inside. The same smile that showed you real, raw love.

“Y/N.”

"Hwa." You tear up as you find yourself, your body, taking you straight to Seonghwa without any hesitation. The surroundings are familiar; it's the fair in the first page— the one Seonghwa took you to post-dinner. Even though the lights are bright and the rides are active, it's quiet. You can hear the soft murmurs of the fair in the background, but otherwise, it's just you and Seonghwa.

No one and nothing else.

He's in a simple outfit, but Seonghwa always looked good in everything he wore. He has dark denim jeans and a white button up— sleeves rolled up to his elbows, first two buttons undone. It's definitely something Seonghwa would wear and it already makes you smile, makes you tear up a little more. You don't say anything else for awhile, only examining his mannerisms, and fuck, this entire thing has gotten Seonghwa down to a T.

"Hey." He says with that smile of his. His perfect, bright smile. You slowly reach out a hand, placing it on his arm.

And he feels real. He feels so, so real.

Surreal.

He chuckles a bit at the gesture, nodding for you to come closer.

"It's okay." He says. "C'mere." He takes your hand and brings you in for a hug. The tears are streaming down your cheeks now, feeling the warmth and the comfort from the way his arms envelope your body. It feels exactly like how Seonghwa would feel. It feels like love. It feels like home. It feels like the stars.

It feels like the fair, it feels like that first night together in bed. It feels like the first 'I love you' he said, it feels like the apartment you two shared.

"You're okay." He responds close to a whisper, his hand rubbing up and down your back.

"H-how? Just.. how is this real?" Seonghwa pulls away and shakes his head.

"Every bit of me is real. Every bit of this, the emotions, the feelings." He gently strokes your cheek to wipe away a tear. "The tears. They're real." He chuckles again to lighten the mood. "How have you been?"

"I've been okay. I've just been working and minding my own business, trying to push through. Build my business as you know." He nods.

"I know you're working hard, but I hope you truly have been okay."

"I have." You say curtly. He furrows his brows a bit before he places his hand against your beating heart.

"You haven't been." You sigh, giving yourself a moment to process. Because of all people, Seonghwa always knew you best, and he knew when you were hiding something. He knew when you weren't feeling your best, he knew when things bothered you, he knew when you wanted to tell him something but just didn't know how.

He just knew you. Even now, in this, he still knew you.

"I wish I could've done things differently after we last saw each other. I wish things happened differently." He shakes his head.

"Things unfolded the way they were always going to unfold. There was no changing that. When I last saw you.. god, Y/N. I wanted to give you everything, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I couldn't stand to hurt you again. There was no way I was going to let that happen. But, I wanted to. I want you to know that I really wanted to. I wanted to be with you, I wanted to stay with you that night. I wanted everything, but I knew I couldn't."

"No— still." You sniff. "I wish I could've reached out and talked to you more. I could've tried harder, we could've tried harder." You cry. "Why didn't you tell me you were sick? You could've just told me. You could've just told me. Is that why you wouldn't tell me?" You ramble on before Seonghwa gently shushes you and shakes his head to reassure you somehow.

"Because I didn't want to worry you, and I didn't want you to think that I was a burden. A responsibility."

"But, I cared about you. I would've helped. I would've stayed close. You wouldn't have been."

"And you would've cried every day. You would've been sad, you would've been upset. You would've been stressed. And that's not something I wanted for you. It's not something I wanted to put you through. I would've hurt you again, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I'd willingly let that happen."

"Seonghwa, this is so unfair."

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm sorry I made these decisions for you, but please know that it's only because I loved you more than I loved life itself. I cared about you more than anything in this world. I didn't want to hurt you more than I already have." You let out a shaky breath as Seonghwa continues. "I'm so sorry for ever letting go in the first place. I'm so sorry for disappointing you and for making you believe you weren't worth it because you were. You always were. I admit I was stupid to think I could do life without you."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"It was my way of dealing with the mistakes I made with you." He sighs, but pairs it with a nervous smile. "It was set in my mind that you deserved better and I wanted you to be happy. Happier than I made you. Because you deserve the world, and I didn't want you to think otherwise. You deserve someone who could be there for you. Someone who could be present by your side and push you forward. Not hold you back."

"But, what if I wanted it to be with you?" You start to sob.

"We would only be postponing the inevitable, and you know that."

"Hwa." You cry, and he cups your cheeks again. "I miss you so goddamn much."

"I miss you, too. You have no idea how much I thought of you. How much I longed for you, how much I prayed for you." He smiles a bit, still holding you close. "This isn't how I wanted to close things out though, baby. I promise you, I'm okay. And although things didn't go as planned, I still feel at peace for the things I've accomplished. For the people I've met and come across. For all the experiences life had brought me. For you. For seeing you one last time, being able to tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you."

"You did well, Hwa. You did so, so well. And I was always proud of you, I was always cheering for you no matter the distance, no matter what happened between us."

"Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for teaching me the true value of happiness in life, for giving me unconditional, genuine love. For supporting me. For all of this.. even though I didn't feel like I deserved it."

"You did. You taught me just as much, Seonghwa. You did the same, and although our story didn't last, you still gave me one of the best, core memories in life. I don't ever regret a thing." You sigh. "I wish I could come back here, time and time again."

"You don't need to because I'm always with you, Y/N. Always."

"I can't believe you did all of this for me."

"Just wanted you to remember the times we shared, and the piece of me that you'll always have with you. You're always here." He places your hand on his heart.

"Hwa—" You can't even finish your sentence before you're bawling again. He smiles, pulling you in for another hug. You stay there for awhile; crying, holding space for yourself and your feelings. But, instead of sadness, there's a sense of happiness and peace. You stay there, letting him hold you tightly one last time. He places a gentle kiss on the top of your head before pulling back and brushing your hair away.

"I promise I'm okay. You brought me peace from the last moment I saw you."He says, close to a whisper. "I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life to the fullest and be happy, okay? It's all I want for you. I'll always be here, supporting you. But, please allow yourself to be happy. Be gentle with yourself and be open to the idea of love and happiness again." You nod in agreement as Seonghwa continues to talk to you for the last time. "Take care of yourself, and remember to take it easy on yourself. You're amazing at everything you do, and I know you'll tackle every hill with grace. It's something I've always admired about you." He places a kiss against the corner of your lips, just like the last time, and it feels so, so real.

Just like the last time.

"I'm proud of you. So, so proud of you, baby." He whispers before he closes everything out. “Let this be my last letter to you. And remember, it doesn’t require you to come back here to relive our memories because you always carry me with you and I always carry you with me."

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. More than you know.”

Since you, Seonghwa has come to believe that the most beautiful things in life are the most unexpected.

A chance encounter.

A surprise gift.

A moment of clarity.

Or, a person, for that matter.

You just happened to be all three.

You were his 4 page letter.

—END OF THE FINAL PAGE

"Closing final simulation. You may rest here, Y/N." NOVA gives you a moment. "How do you feel?"

"At peace." Is all you say as you grab Hwabear, and it's enough for NOVA to know that this is the end of tonight's journey. That this archive has served its purpose.

"Just like Seonghwa wanted for you." NOVA hears the quiet sniffs coming from you as you sit with yourself and process everything. "It has been a pleasure to guide you through this archive, Y/N. I hope you continue to take care of yourself and continue to live your life happily. It is all he wanted for you and he will always be right there with you. Please remember that. Please remember everything he said because I know he truly meant every word."

"Thank you, NOVA. I appreciate you."

"You are welcome. End the 4 page letter."

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#hwaslayer: 4 page letter #seonghwa x reader #ateez #seonghwa #park seonghwa

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hwaslayer · 2 days ago

Text

4 page letter (psh) | one shot.

—pairing: park seonghwa x reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) sci-fi, lovers to exes (who still love each other), bittersweet tragedy, emotional hurt/comfort | fluff, smut, angst

—word count: 19k

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It can be beautiful how words portray emotions perfectly.

Letters.

Cards.

Postcards.

Those letters from the past between—