#i’ve never been this crazy in my life
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using tumblr dot com as my therapist again tonight
#guys don��t break your leg#i’m genuinely going so fucking crazy#i’ve never been this crazy in my life#this is putting my control issues to the test#finally believing my mom that i do in fact have control issues HAHAHA#i just want to be a person again oh my god#i hate this i hate this i hate this#i’m glad i don’t get a period anymore but i’m mad that i can’t track my pmdd anymore#cause i stg every other day i’m like maybe it’s pmdd week#no bitch! you’re just going crazy!
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from that one convo they had in the 12 Hour Limited Life special
The sprites (updated their liml designs a lil)
#stufffsart#impulsesv#bdoubleo100#bdoubleo#Bdubs#impdubs#third life#liml#life series smp#trafficblr#mcytblr#semi redraw of a Skizz/bdubs text post I made way back when#also astonishing revelations we will live our lives without ever drawing certain things#like… I’ve never properly drawn a banana before in my life until now . a BANANA. smth so ordinary#crazy right? this has been science time with Roman alienssstufff subscribe for more bangers like thi
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Mostly Hiring manager, but HR manager and PR manager too
#elden ring#elden ring varre#white mask varre#varre#white faced varre#tarnished#tarnished oc#varre x tarnished#tw; blood#suggestive#no jokes or humor this time sorry#just Varre being Varre#I know I usually stick to humor stuff but this clawed through my brain like an eldritch horror#I actually hate 5/11 Varre faces I drew here but I did my best#sometimes homeboy is gonna look like a lil gremlin and there’s nothing I can do about it#but also those other 6 /11 faces are the best I’ve ever done so I’ll take it#never been more clear to me how I unconsciously push myself to do harder things#like we got crazy hand angles with defined knuckles and fingernails#we got the upward angle face that doesn’t look like shit#we got form fitting lighting that is passable#semi accurate fabric physics#did I not give a fuck about the BG#yes#but I’m here for Varre sex appeal not rendering bricks#also misericorde magically changes scale throughout the whole comic#lmao oops#most detailed environmental lighting I’ve done too#Christ the lengths I go to for deranged fictional men#at the very least I feel like the dialogue isn’t ooc#me fighting for my life to make sure Varre looks like the same damn character between each panel
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if you asked me about old man logan, i’d tell you that i love him and i think he’s handsome.
but if you asked me on a deeper level…
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i’d tell you i’ve never been this feral over a man before. i’d let him do unspeakable things to me. take me in every way possible. till he’s 90? no we’re never stopping. he’s so fucking sexy. the gray hair and beard are giving me heart palpitations. that scene with the girl in the backseat flashing him and him smirking in response is keeping me up at night. i want to lick every inch of him. i want him to spit in my mouth. i want marks on my body to show everyone i’m his. i would be on my knees 24/7. i have lost any ability to be normal. he’s all i’m thinking about and no man will ever compare to him.
#things that would fix me: sitting on his lap#i’m going so crazy#i can’t think of anything else#i’ve never been this attracted to someone in my life and i’ve had MANY crushes on old men#old man!logan#logan howlett#hugh jackman#wolverine#logan howlett x reader
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i’ve talked about this before but a bpd symptom i absolutely HATE is the lack of emotional permanence.
no matter how many loving people i have in my life, the second they are gone it's like i was never loved and that it's all in my imagination but as soon as they come back, it's like i've never been sad
#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd#bpd fp#actually borderline#bpd vent#bpd favorite person#bpd shitposting#bpd problems#bpd mood#i HATE this so much#lacking emotional permanence is one of the worst things for me because i look crazy to outsiders#haven’t seen my fp in 4 hours? i am literally sobbing on the floor believing that i’ve never felt this kind of debilitating pain in my life#but as soon as he comes back it’s like i’ve never been upset before..#so so so embarrassing and infuriating
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God what even do I do with this chapter 😭 but here are some of my thoughts.
SPOILERS FOR CH. 268
- what the fuck
-“Maybe it’s time to try living for someone else” okay the itafushi shippers really won with that one, I can’t lie. But at the same time it feels like Megumi’s always been living his life for someone else specifically Tsumiki. so it kind of feels like the stronger message would have been to decide to live for himself? Kind of how yuuji’s journey went from finding this greater purpose to live and fight to simply just living is okay as well. But that’s just me. Im interested in hearing other people’s take on the situation
- this is from last chapter but I so really like the parallel of yuuji in this fight for his life with Sukuna and Mahito and being so weighed down by everything that he has lost and everything he is still trying to save and then Kugasaki hits that resonance and Yuuji sees that he’s not alone and god something about it always being Nobara and her insanity breaking him from that sorrow and giving him that last push to fight like he's not alone.
- also I do think seeing Nobara’s resonance after having to be the one to break it to itadori that she wasn’t recovering, really solidified that there where things still worth living for.
- I don’t know something about Sukuna finally after all these chapters acknowledging itadori by finally saying his name is so very Sukuna off him. It’s like the inverse of him going into Jogo’s flashing life and telling him he’s strong. This time he’s the one dying and he’s finally acknowledging the boy that killed him. Say what you want about Sukuna but he ain’t no sore fucking loser.
- God how fucking Yuuji Itadori of the whole thing to after everything all the terror and the torture and the pain to still offer Sukuna a chance to live and live better. A chance to not be a slave to his nature to this curse in their blood. God Yuuji what do I even do with you.
- okay so not even a fucking frame of the Hakari/Uraume showdown. Really 😭😭. It looked like things were happening too. With that final parting it looked like they’d reached some kind of understanding and not even a fucking frame. Gege the way your mind works.
- really not even one punch? Not even one gambling shot. I’d have payed good fucking money to see Hakari explaining how a pachinko machine works to a 1000 year old curse servant.
- the little “you’re just lucky is the best compliment for a guy like me” and the “yeah I guess it is” was a great exchange tho. Which is is why I wonder. Really not one fucking frame😭. I wonder if mappa will just ignore this and give them a fight scene anyway like they elongated the Sukuna vs Mahagora fight.
- and now finally, some good fucking food.
- Gojo’s little I killed your daddy note is so funny. What the fuck is wrong with him
- again. What the fuck.
- Nobara being as rude as fucking always god I love her. She is taking no prisoners. Fuck you mean you aren’t weeping at her feet at her return.
-Them trying to do the whole box suprise for Megumi and him catching them in the act is so stupid I actually can’t 😭. They really only have one braincell
- Nobara not giving a single fuck about her mom like what. Also what did she mean by “Special grade authority”
- crazy that they all got face scars now. They’re a matching set.
- I wonder what Yuuji’s talk with gojo was. I wonder what parental figure gojo exposed for him.
- I dunno this chapter making me feel like he might come back. Gojo Satoru just might make a come back.
- I’m glad that atleast after everything it’s gunna end with the three of them. Maybe a little damaged and worse for wear but together and that counts for something.
-lastly…..what the fuck m.
#I’m glad he gave them this#yuuji itadori#god in the middle of writing this the bus is been waiting for for half an hour slipped over my stop and#I’ve never actually been so angry in my life I literally had to draft this and cool down.#but yeah here we are#crazy only 2/3 more chapters left#after everything sukuna’s defeat just feels a bit anticlamatic which honestly works for the themes of the series#honestly this whole saga will probably translate better in animation but yeah#it’s not perfect but what is it was good enough for me. I had a good time and that fine in my book#but yeah I’m also just left wondering what’s the curse situation like now#like the death of sukuna wouldn’t have stopped it infact everything leading up to it will probably have made it worse#it hurts my head a little the idea that they can’t even really rest after all this there’s still so much left to do still curses to kill#and honestly real#but yeah good chapter#throwing thoughts to the void#jjk meta#jjk spoilers#jjk ch 268#itafushi#itafushikugi#favorite trouple for real#kugisaki nobara#fushiguro megumi#itadori yuuji#sukuna jjk#hakari kinji#jjk gojo#gojo saturo#jujutsu kaisen#jjk manga leaks
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it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now
#I think on another level he was sorta saying like ‘hey kiryu. you’re making it extremely clear that you don’t trust me and my intentions#and I’ve been trying to show you- over and over again- that I’d do just about anything for you and your safety#but I can’t just let my mask fall off in front of everyone- I need to keep up the unpredictable morally grey wildcard act for both my sake#AND yours. because disguising my helping you as crazy random violent outbursts and weird stalker behavior#is the only way I CAN help you. do you think it would go over well with shimano or literally anyone else if I was outright helping you out#of the kindness of my heart and fondness for you? stop being so fucking dense and look past the crazy wacky nonsense for a second and#maybe you’ll realize that all I do at the end of the day- really- is help you and put my own life and reputation on the line for you.#I am an honest guy when it comes to my real values and when I told you I wouldn’t let anyone kill you unelss it was myself- I meant it.#I’ve taken a knife and a bullet for you now. can you REALLY not see through the act yet? am I REALLY that unpredictable when you think about#it?’#that was a longer explanation than i intended but. it was difficult to put into words#I basically feel like it could be read as him implying kiryu shouldn’t backstab the people who put themselves on the line to help him#and/or pointing out that he’s never actually done kiryu dirty and has stuck to his word protecting him in the ways he can#trying to say yeah all this is a crazy act and all but when it comes down to it you Can trust me#it really makes sense when you think about it that he’d have to help kiryu/show affection towards kiryu in unpredictable convoluted ways#at that point in time because. I mean. there’s a reason he was the only person who showed up to welcome kiryu when he got out of prison#and that’s because A) he sticks to his word and his loyalty to people he cares about and B) no one else had the balls or the batshit insane#mask to wear to ward off anyone asking real questions like majima did. because ANYONE associating themselves with the supposed#patriarch-killer was a HUGE NO-NO at the time. someone important showing up for kiryu and welcoming him back outright could’ve caused#all-out warfare probably. except majima. because majima was dedicated and smart enough to use his widely-feared wildcard persona#(that everyone tended to view as incapable of having any Real agenda to worry about) to his And kiryu’s advantage#does that make sense??? I feel like it makes a lot of sense if you get it to click in your head#kazumaji#majima#kiryu#yakuza#kiwami 1#yk1#rambling
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#I hate when lyrics are identical to what Im going yhrough right now fuck off#trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve been lied to for god knows how long#with them constantly reassuring me that they love me and don’t want to lose me and want to be with me#only to finally crack and tell me it’s all been lies#and that they haven’t felt anything for me in a while#and only to remove me immediately after#and the fact that I kept overthinking that they were lying and I just felt like I was going crazy cause they always reassured me#I literally can’t get over this#that they forced themselves to act like they loved me and just kept lying to me. I feel like I’m losing it#my trust issues have never been worse and I haven’t felt this unlovable in a long time#I thought I could finally be happy#I thought I could finally be vulnerable with someone and not regret it after#I’m so scared of being vulnerable with someone ever again. I’m so scared to try and trust someone again#it’s like I’m bound to be alone all my life. never knowing what it’s like to be loved or have someone care about me and be afraid to lose me
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vent
did not expect kissing and realizing i’m lowkey dating a guy to send me down an existential spiral of reminding me that i have only one life to live and then i am going to die without living any other different lives
#but i’ve been wasting time not exploring at all!!#doesn’t have to be a forever person it’s just an experience#but still#it’s really weird and idk!!!!#and if i date this guy fr i would have to like go on birth control probably and holy shit i do NOT want more medication#and what if i meet someone else?#i don’t exactly want to commit y’know???#but i’m halfway through my twenties and i don’t know how much time i actually have and if i think about it too long i hyperventilate#which WOULDN’T HAPPEN if i was just continuing on with being safe and alone!!#and what about women?? i love women!#but when i really love something or someone i go crazy about it#i lose myself#so maybe realistic and neutral is better?#am i neutral?#i don’t fucking know and my friends for the most part aren’t quite grasping what i’m trying to say#like yes i overthink and yes it might not be that deep to anyone else including the guy#but it NEEDS to be that deep. to me.#because that’s how my brain fucking works.#i don’t take shit lightly and i never have#that’s why i’m better off alone#or with people who are also deeply unchill#but this guy is so chill! and it does make me feel comfortable!#but it’s also like bro is this conversion therapy am i conversion therapying myself?#my entire identity for more than a decade has been based off being single and independent#and the lapses in that are times in my life that i see myself as unambiguously pathetic and embarassing#with men and women#i feel like a fucking unsocialized semiferal cat that wants affection but also doesn’t know how to accept it#and do i even want it? or is it want i know i should want or what would be good for me so im just slowly forcing myself into it?#it’s so much easier. so much simpler. to not have to freak out about this stuff.#sorry for venting i know it’s annoying it’s just fuck man…
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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tiktokers be like “I am going to create the most beautiful, relaxing, aesthetically pleasing video ever, with gorgeous lighting, and deeply satisfying content”. …….. “and then I’m going to cut the video fifty thousand times in thirty seconds-”
#chatting tag#WHY. WHY. PLEASE.#I swear like every gifset I ever see that comes from tiktok is like the most gorgeous shit I’ve ever seen in my life#(specifically those videos of food that have really sunny lighting. OUGH that’s my SHIT)#but then EVERY TIME there’s like 5 cuts in every single individual gif. and it drives me crazy#don’t get me wrong they are good gifsets and it is not the gif makers fault. and obviously I know why the tiktok makers do that#bc there’s such a short time limit on the videos and they want to keep their attention and what not#but I swear to god they will make cuts that are SO FUCKING UNNECESSARY like just cutting literal milliseconds out of a satisfying shot.#which makes it no longer as satisfying. why. why do you do this to me.#listen I just have this secret rule that I never use gifs that have any cuts in them at all in my boards#unless they’re like really really nice. but even then like only two cuts max or I go crazy. I don’t like how weird and choppy it looks!!!!#so then like all of the prettiest gifs ever. I can’t use. BC THERES SO MANY GIDDAMN CUTS#like there’s so many videos I’d want to make gifs of but you can’t even get like a millisecond long gif out of it without including cuts 😭😭#ugh. anyways. that was my unnecessarily petty and extensive rant that I’ve just been holding in for a while. sorry.#also sorry but the other thing that bothers me is that stupid logo taking up half the gif.#one of my othe hyper specific secret rules is that I cannot use any gif that has a visible logo or watermark on it bc it drives me nuts#and like. not to rag on gif makers. bc gif makers are the most wondrous thing in the entire world and everything they do is great.#but I DO know a REALLLYYY easy way to download TikTok’s without the watermark it’s so simple it would take like two seconds. please. for me#just look up tiktok video downloader there’s like four good functional websites immediately. it’s so easy#let’s all start doing this pls we could make the most perfect gifsets ever without that ugly ass logo#(again not mad at gifmakers. I love u gifmakers. muah.)
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it always makes me laugh a lil when i tell my online friends some of my real life lore bc yes i’m all !!! >< omgee weeee :3 on the internet
#but when i tell ppl i’ve been in fights or i’ve had cops come to my house for diff reasons or i used to do genuinely stupid things#like run away or smash windows#or smash anything#they’re like w t f ????#my life before 2021 was crazy and i’ve had a lot of personal growth obvi#now i just work / stay home on the weekend / occasionally travel / see my girlie pops / and be delulu over 2d ppl <3#even still - when i run into old old friends they always ask me ‘what changed you?’#idk!#life i guess!#tw personal#but it’s not that deep#it’s not something i keep a secret but i personally think it’s loserism if this behaviour is something you brag about#which is why i never bring it up#but rmbering an old conversation w a mutual made me post this
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my friend thinks i have ADHD and started listing a bunch of traits i don’t have and was reacting like im crazy when i told her i don’t have those traits
#she says i’m super impulsive and the things she listed were#no joke#getting a tattoo and going to a birthday party#it’s like she thinks if i don’t narrate my entire thought process to her about everything i do i must not be thinking about it before#she was like from my perspective it seems impulsive because i didn’t know about these events beforehand#and it’s like yeah. because you were not involved in them#this went on for like 20 minutes and she wasn’t listening to me#and i came to the realization that she doesn’t know or understand me at all#and everything i do reads as impulsive and thoughtless because she’s giving me no credit for having any sort of thoughts or inner life#i’ve known her for like a year and a half i’ve never been this badly misunderstood by someone before#which is weird because i’m very cards on the table up front what you see is what you get#and she seems to think i’m very very different than who i am#has anyone else had this experience lmao i was super anxious the whole convo#and had to private message another person in our group message to make sure i wasn’t being crazy
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hello 💃
#hi hi i am never on here anymore tumblr my tumblr i miss you#tbf it’s because my life has been so crazy busy#i am no longer unemployed and am in fact in the career i wanted. YAY!#also i love my girlfriend and my cats and my life and healing and growth#and also…self worth question mark#something i have historically struggled with but am now getting less mentally ill about#HALLELUJAH!#i can never quite wrap my head around how lucky i am#and how fulfilled i am#this much happiness feels like it shouldnt be real but. i am actually deeply known and loved through my worst moments and my best and it’s#the most healing thing i’ve ever experienced#shoutout to my girlfriend (sooner rather than later wife) for being just. the most perfect person for me and the best person ive ever met#she’s my best friend fr#eek. life is good and love is good and we both have colds that are going to last through christmas but i know it will still be the best#christmas of my life because it’s with them#life is looking up :)#craziest concept to a very traumatised girlie is that life can actually be good and happy but im slowly learning to trust it#<3#valentina talks
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Watched my dad do the locoroco cameo level in astrobot and apparently the “extreme flappy hands” came out 🥲
#So what it’s cute that when I’m happy and joyous my hands do a little dance~#you could never match my whimsy old man#just pav things#crazy that they continue to be in denial about the ‘tism when I’ve been making motor stereotypies MY WHOLE LIFE#like. I’m an adult (almost). You would think I would’ve outgrown this by now if I was ‘normal’ :P#Anyways back to the point the childhood nostalgiaaaaa#how could I not have flappy hands when the whole cameo level was just so WHOLESOME!!!!#😭😭😭😭😭😭❤️
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I feel like I came out of the womb with raging anxiety
#never been fully relaxed a day in my life#literally had a panic attack at age 6-7(?)#I’ve been super self aware for as long as I can remember#the tension in my body is my natural state#I’ve BEEN imagining every worst case scenario since I could form thoughts#7th-8ish grade is where it got worse#had panic attacks like four times a week#and then heart palpitations started and holy shit I was googling symtoms and that would make it worse#was convinced I would get a heart attack#having a headache is part of my daily routine#then I got a crush on a guy and with it came body dysmorphia#couldn’t look people in the eye from how ugly I felt(still struggle with this one but we got this💪🏼💪🏼)#now I mostly just cry#like I deadass get stressed and overwhelmed and just cry#depression came next and I was honestly not surprised#and it tampered my anxiety a bit but I’d honestly rather feel stressed than feel so numb#yeah I wouldn’t recommend#so basically I lie awake feeling aware of my own heartbeat or of my body#oh and I can’t forget the physical pain that anxiety caused me#muscle aches literally convinced me there was something wrong with me#went to the doctor numerous times bc I NEEDED to be diagnosed with something or I would go crazy and instead got told to see a therapist#and the therapist basically told me everything I had already figured out myself but at least I can talk to someone#tw anxiety#tw depression#tw body dysmorphia#anxiety#mentions of depression#and I’m only a teenager so should I be worried about what happens in the next few years? bc this already sounds like a lot to me#this was supposed to be a funny little post but nvm I guess?? don’t worry about me I’m good though many good things in my life#teenager
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