#also i love my girlfriend and my cats and my life and healing and growth

[odetolovers]

hello 💃

[heartslobbf]

let’s talk about perfuma. imo, she’s one of the best characters in the show despite being underdeveloped, and i wanna explain why. she could’ve been extremely average, just some lanky flower girl that doesn’t believe in violence and loves everyone, but she is so much more than that (and it pisses me off that y’all reduce her to that).

in her introductory episode, perfuma is clearly in denial about the horde almost destroying plumeria. she doesn’t want to acknowledge the problem, wants someone else to take care of it for her. she’s scared of change, and that is because change makes you vulnerable. if things always stay the same, there’s a whole lot less danger and uncertainty, and therefore you’re safe. secure. perfuma’s kingdom is dying and she can’t bear to accept it because it is unknown to her. it’s putting her in a position where she is no longer secure. this fear of vulnerability can also be seen at the beginning of 1x10 when the princess alliance falls apart and she literally says ‘being together makes us vulnerable.’

the thing is, perfuma isn’t wrong. look at her choice of words. she says that being together makes them vulnerable, not weak. here, she kind of has the words mixed up, but we see that by s5 she has come to understand the difference. that’s what’s so great about perfuma, her motivation to do better, her hunger for self-improvement. it’s why she’s such an important part of catra’s redemption, actually, because she embodies the kind person catra is or wants to be.

let me explain: perfuma is an angry, impatient, short-tempered character. we are shown this again and again with her passive aggression to others and how easily mermista can annoy her with trivial things (sitting in her seat in the war room, for example). catra is also an angry, impatient character, but perfuma works every day to manage those emotions. she knows she needs them, she uses them as a tool (calling catra out, for example, is a time they were practically pivotal for getting her point across) but she also acknowledges they can hurt the people she loves. we know she does a meditation ritual each morning and we see in 4x02 how quickly she can unravel without it. she wants to be better. she puts the work in. that is such a valuable lesson for a character like catra who has always felt she’s just not good enough, she’s always going to be this angry and unlovable and no one can do anything about it.

so, 4x02. it’s a brilliant episode for perfuma’s character, really, and the first proper development we’ve had since 1x04. we see her anger, her impatience, but we also see her self-doubt. her belief that she’s inadequate, ‘just a flower girl.’ this is also when we get introduced to her little mantra that becomes a bit of a motif later on, ‘i can do this.’ we know perfuma doesn’t wholeheartedly believe this, but she says it anyway because she wants to. perfuma wants to be better. she will do whatever she can to be her best self, whether that be actually conquering her gripes with cacti or realising there’s a loophole with the roots (love that conflict resolution by the way, another good deconstruction of hero bs by spop).

this episode is also significant because it comes back to perfuma’s fear of change, of vulnerability. she’s thrown into a situation she doesn’t want to be in, one she feels miserably unprepared for, and she hasn’t done the one thing that puts her at her best beforehand, but she pulls through in the end because she is surrounded by people that support her, that listened to her and consoled her when she was vulnerable. 4x02 teaches perfuma the power of self-worth and the power of true, mutual, unconditional love, which can only come with vulnerability.

and this is where her character gets really interesting, in my humble opinion. ngl, one of the reasons i love perfuma so much is because she’s a pisces and i am too. i’m not gonna go astrology hoe on you rn, i’m just using this to demonstrate the part of her character that teaches others. pisces, if you don’t know, love to play therapist. we like to help the people around us with whatever strifes they may have because we think we’re fucking great at it. perfuma actually is.

you know how i said perfuma learns the importance of self-belief and vulnerability? yeah, she teaches both of those lessons to other characters in s5. like i said, perfuma is a character who values self-betterment and also happens to be a pisces, so when she sees scorpia, riddled with so much self-doubt and such low self-esteem, her immediate response is just i’m gonna teach that bitch how to love herself. and she does!

i’ve seen some people say they don’t like scorfuma because it seemed as though the writers just decided to ‘fix’ all of scorpia’s problems by giving her a girlfriend. that’s very dumb, first of all because they aren’t even together by the end of the show, they’re just interested in one another. second, the whole point of she-ra is that we’re stronger together. scorpia doesn’t go through growth in s5 because a girl likes her, she goes through growth because someone is showing her support and love for the first time in her life and that empowers her. you know, the worth that scorpia finds in herself doesn’t hinge on perfuma, like it did with catra. it’s about her as an individual, and perfuma so clearly makes it about that when her big lesson revolves around singing. scorpia loves singing. perfuma tells her she should do it because she enjoys it, a sentiment you’d never hear in the horde, and when scorpia does sing, she is actively rejecting the people who did make all her self-worth hinge on them catra. she’s doing something for herself, because she enjoys it, because it makes her happy, because she can.

it’s that same mantra: i can do this, i can do this. i really love how this was brought back from 4x02, how perfuma repurposed something that taught her such a valuable lesson for someone else. perfuma and scorpia are great foil characters actually, both constantly underestimated and thought of as weak by their groups, but some of the strongest characters in the show due to their deep value of love and self. i can do this, and i know i can because you believe in me, because i believe in myself. it’s brought back again in 5x10, when the last thing perfuma says before scorpia breaks the beam is ‘i know you can [pull through]’. she tells catra she believes in scorpia. it’s that belief, that support from other people that empowers the self to believe it too. we are stronger together, you know??

anyways, onto vulnerability. return to the fright zone is in my top ten episodes of the whole fucking show and you might think that’s a bit weird but i don’t. 5x10 encompasses so many important themes of spop so well and tells them with scorfuma and spinnetossa, our two side lesbian couples. this is significant since perfuma literally draws a parallel between her and catra at the end of the episode, and catradora and spinnetossa have always been significant to one another. i’m gonna say it, perfuma is the reason catra is finally able to confess to adora in 5x13. i’ve already talked about how important perfuma is to catra’s motivation to improve, but she literally makes catra rethink everything about strength and vulnerability, two words catra has a lot of feelings about.

catra fears vulnerability. we know this. she has such a deep love for those important to her but is never able to articulate it because she worries she’ll be taken advantage of, shot down, laughed at, whatever. all of this stems from the abuse she suffered at shadow weaver’s hands and her attachment issues, and it’s also why catra pretends to hate scorpia’s very open displays of affection and love: she sees it as weak because she has been taught to, but it’s all she ever really wanted to be.

we also know perfuma used to fear vulnerability. she doesn’t any more. the entirety of the episode leading up to her and catra’s heart-to-heart is her being vulnerable, putting herself in a position where she’s in danger but believing it’s worth it. and it is. despite what everyone said to her, perfuma is right: it was worth it. she got through to scorpia, even if it was only for a moment. she literally spells it out to us and catra with one of the best lines in the whole show: it’s hard, keeping your heart open. it makes you vulnerable, but it doesn’t make you weak, and i have to believe it’s worth it.

back in 1x10, perfuma was right: being together makes you vulnerable. horde prime tries to use people’s relationships against them, that’s literally the plot of save the cat, the point of pitting catra and adora against one another. he sees them as weak, just like shadow weaver deems adora’s feelings for catra ‘confusing’, just like light hope insisted adora was a danger to her friends as long as she was around them. they were all wrong. yes, they’re vulnerable. perfuma acknowledges that vulnerability puts you in danger, that it’s difficult to do that, but she knows it doesn’t make you weak. weakness vs strength is a big conflict in 5x10 literally introduced to us with netossa’s theories on everyone’s weaknesses in the first few minutes.

like perfuma says, friendship isn’t a weakness. it’s her greatest strength. her belief in love is literally what saves her and adora’s lives, it’s what saves everyone who got chipped, glimmer, bow. belief in love, both of others and yourself, is what saves adora in her dying moments. perfuma summarises she-ra’s entire fucking message to us repeatedly in 5x10 and she tells it to catra because catra is the one who will do the most with it. that glance at adora, it’s obvious what it means. perfuma is telling catra she should be open with adora about her feelings because you have to believe it’s worth it.

you won’t get anywhere waiting for other people to make the move. she-ra couldn’t heal plumeria’s lands, so plumeria had to fight their own battle alongside her no matter how much they felt unable to. the rebellion couldn’t move mara’s ship, so perfuma had to despite thinking she wasn’t strong enough. the reason they always win in the end is because they have each other, they have love and support and people motivating them to do better. just like perfuma motivates herself to do better.

it’s the mantra. i can do this. i can be vulnerable and still win, because i have love. and it’s hard, it’s so fucking hard to be vulnerable when you’ve feared it all your life and you’re so angry, so hurt, but you have to believe it’s worth it. and it is. it is, it is, it is, love is stronger than anything and being vulnerable for the people you love is the only way you can ever get what you want from them. perfuma as a character embodies that, having learnt it herself, and teaches the lesson to one of the characters who needs it the most.

adora is dying, and catra loves her, and she knows she does, and she just has to believe. adora is dying, and she loves catra, and she knows she does, but she doesn’t believe. not until catra teaches her too, in that moment, to realise they were all wrong, light hope, shadow weaver, horde prime. adora doesn’t need to let go, she needs to hold on and believe she will be pulled back up by the girl she loves. she needs to believe she deserves it. that it’s worth it.

and it is.

[womeedoodles]

Theories of MLB Final Part 1 (Mistake Love)

Ok ok ok! Miraculous Ladybug is a WHOA! Many tears, laugher, heartbreaks, and mostly the frustration of the lovesqaure XD. But since the recent episode cause a MAJOR heart ache, I feel like the episode gave a few clues (even though Cat Blanc and Félix haven’t air yet 🙃🙃)

BUT ANYWAYS!

Here’s my thoughts...

In the beginning of the episode Marrinette starts talking, “Experiencing loss is a part of life, some people lose their first love, some lose the harmony in their relationship, some people lose hope, others lose patiences.” She basically explain this whole situation that is going in this very episode “Loveater.” All these people are going through their own love situation.

Master Fu losing his first love

Major Bourgeois and Mrs. Bourgeois are losing the balance on their relationship.

Chloe losing her hope in Ladybug

AND FINALLY!! DUH! DUH! DUUUH! The famous Cat Noir giving up on Ladybug.

When CatNoir says to Ladybug about having a “girlfriend” he tried to make her jealous but it didn’t work, therefore he leaves saying it hurts. But looking at Ladybug she too looks hurt, because of her love interest “perfect” Adrien Agreste. She too is hurt because Adrien doesn’t like her back. This is where the it gets complicated.

Now cut to them both looking at their love interest on their phone. UP POPS THEIR OTHER interest....HA WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!! Marinette sees Luka’s message, meanwhile Adrien gets a photo of both Marinette and Kagami. Now the question is who is he looking at?? Both? Marinette? Kagami? Too be honest I don’t know either BUT! The photo could be either two ways....

Ladybug/ Marinetter or Kagami

He doesn’t know Marinette is Ladybug, but is the viewers know. So the photo is showing he’s fighting between his lady or Kagami, or in his eyes (LOOK AT MY FRIENDS!!) As the shot switches to a photo of him and Kagami, so I feel like it’s saying he’s gonna try for Kagami! But also if you notice his eyes shifts to the left, where Marinette is...or maybe he’s looking at the heart button XD WE DON’T KNOW!!

Alright! Now look when Adrien, Kagami, and Marinette are all hanging out. They are having fun! All three of them are enjoying their freedom! (Especially Adrien and Kagami) Now Marinette...HER HAIR GOES DOWN! Let’s looks at Adrien’s face. It’s a genuine surprise look! He’s like “Wow I never seen your hair down before!” To Him staring at her dreamy with her hair down with Kagami. “Your hair looks beautiful.” There is something going on right here. It could be that Adrien does have hidden feelings for Marinette, it’s just that well...HAS NO BRAIN CELLS!🤣🤣 Ok no we will discuss that later.

Now another part of this is the important ANDRÉ! If you know André, he is basically the ice cream that goes around Paris selling ice cream, but people say his ice cream brings love to the perfect match! These three approach him and he says this...

Adrien and Kagami = “Orange and Peppermint, a perfect pairing that’s always a success. Nothing can turn into a mess.”

Adrien and Marinette = “ BlackBerry and Peppermint, an explosive mix that’s a fact, but oftentimes its the opposites that attracts. “

Now listening to these two lines really confused me but then again I got something strange from it.

First looking at our “perfect” match Adrien and Kagami, for me that’s too perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect couple. The “perfect” or should I say realistic couple is when two work well together, They understand each other, and most importantly fight with each other. The more arguments, the more you see the person and understand them. That is how teamwork comes on. Adrien and Kagami are just friends who do fencing together, and they are living in space with no freedom. That is why they look at each other for help and comfort. Yes they understand each other in that level, but do they work well together?

MEANWHILE....Adrien and Marinette! Their alter ego Cat Noir and Ladybug. They fight, work together, and that brings them into a deep trust. It’s important to have these types of things in a relationship. That way it brings the bond closer. And opposites attract like what André says. Obviously Adrien is the peppermint and Marinette is the blueberry. OPPOSITES ATTRACT! An explosive mix! This tells you something. The unexpected and unknown. They just don’t know because love comes in full of surprises! It could mean Adrien and Marinette will have a surprise in the love they have for each other. That’s why we love André.

This whole episode was a rollercoaster, but there was this one scene that caught me the most! And nooooo it’s not the ALMOST KISS FROM ADRIEN AND KAGAMI and LUKA HUGGING CRYING MARINETTE (Which I’m sure a lot of us were heart broken)

It was this scene 

My man André again! But this scene really stand out for me. So in this shot we see André looking over at Adrien and Kagami “kiss”, but look at his position and cart. He can be thinking about two things...

Happy that he got the “perfect” match

OR

Upset that he got the Wrong match!

I feel like André is upset that he got the wrong match. Why you ask? The cart’s top. The ice cream that has the colors of Ladybug. André plays his role of been the matchmaker and believes that love can be shared through ice cream. But now looking at this, maybe he thinks he doesn’t have the right match?!?!? We don’t know. But when the three kidos go to André, André was worried about our dear Marinette for choosing Adrien with Kagami. He KNOWS! He knows she loves Adrien, but she believes that the mix of her and Adrien isn’t a good mix. NEVER JUDGE ITS COVER DAMN IT!!! 

NOW FINALLY! The big fish....this ship war dear god...

Now looking at Adrien and Marinette. They both got their heart broken by the person they love. Now how do they heal that broken heart??? Finding another person to heal that heart.

TADA THAT’S WHEN KAGAMI AND LUKA STEP IN!!!

These two are going to “heal” that broken heart and give them the comfort they want. The LOVE THEY WANT! THE ROMANTIC LOVE THEY CRAVE!!! 

But overall what is the purpose of Luka and Kagami. Well it’s kind of obvious...TO BREAK THE LOVE SQAURE AWAY!!! MWAHAHAH....No...

These characters are going to help these blind full love birds. People say “Adrien is so stupid!” “Marinette is so blind!”  Um yea...their like 15 years old....

Maturely is what they need. Growth. Their young! Of course their gonna act like this! But with the help of Kagami and Luka, they are going to help our characters to grow and then in the end Adrien and Marinette will finally break that wall between them (hehe...get it...wall between us...)

But hey this is my thoughts XD and how MatPat would say...It’s just a theory ;)

[laetan]

Do every question?

Thank you for enabling my procrastination, much appreciated

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Yes

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? This cat I saw through the window of my apartment

03: Do you regret anything?

Yeah, I'm an anxious motherfucker but it's best not to dwell on them past their usefulness to prevent repeating mistakes in the future

04: Are you insecure?

Yuh

05: What is your relationship status?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ weird.

06: How do you want to die?

Ideally doing someone heroic.

07: What did you last eat?

An orange

08: Played any sports?

Yup, soccer, fencing, boxing/MMA when I was younger

09: Do you bite your nails?

No

10: When was your last physical fight?

Life is constantly kicking me in the emotional nuts

11: Do you like someone?

¯\_( ಠ_ಠ)_/¯ I cant differentiate platonic and romantic emotions

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Within the past week, so yes

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

This is a hard question because it takes a lot of brainpower to hate someone so is it like, in this exact moment was I ruminating on my hatred for Emmy award winning voice actor and voice of Nott the Brave Samuel Riegel? No. Am i usually? At least 23 hours of every day is alotted as Emmy award winning voice actor and voice of Nott the Brave Samuel Riegel hating hours in my planner.

14: Do you miss someone?

Yeah

15: Have any pets?

Ye 2 cats who are bastard babies

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

My ears kinda hurt as does my jaw and my hands and feet are cold but that's sorta my default

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

No both bathrooms and kissing are vaguely gross for longer than strictly necessary so combining these is not great. Especially bc the assumption that you're out somewhere in public unless some people just relegate that to the ol' powder room at home

18: Are you scared of spiders?

Not especially. Don't want one to crawl on my face and I'm not a fan of anything that moves silently in my peripheral vision but they're important to the ecosystem and kill more annoying bugs. That said, @the like 15 in my apartment at any given time: why dont you pay rent

19: answered

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

Couch in a basement

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

Considering its 22:06 on a Sunday, imma go with next week. I have 4 finals so probably crying in the one secret corner of the library I found so the librarians don't shush my for disturbing the other students who have already mastered the art of silent crying while studying

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

No. I think i wanna foster though

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Ears, but they may be healed

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

That's tough. Probably history, polisci, and french?

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah. Didnt you just ask that

26: What are you craving right now?

Sleep

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yup @Gloria sorry I was such a jerk freshman year

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

Sort of?

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

...yes? I think

30: What’s irritating you right now?

Im mildly cold

31: Does somebody love you?

I like to think so but you'd have to ask I suppose

32: What is your favourite color?

Blue or red

33: Do you have trust issues?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

Something I'd like to forget

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I'm not a big crier, but especially not in front of other people, so I don't really know? Probably after the shooting which will be 6 years ago on the 17th? Or maybe a funeral after that, not sure. I have trouble putting events in chronological order

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Nah

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

I mean, philosophically or mechanistically bc mechanistically, forget but in the grand scheme well

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

I don't know

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Uhhh 11??

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

No I Am Most Comfortable When I Am Impervious To Most Forms of Physical Attack

51: Favourite food?

Gyros

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

No, sometimes horrible things are just painful, they aren't part of the cosmic plan or an opportunity for growth, they just hurt

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Texted Beau

54: Is cheating ever okay?

No

55: Are you mean?

I like to think I'm not but sometimes I say or think shit that makes me take a hard look at myself

56: How many people have you fist fought?

∞

I am fist fighting someone as we speak

57: Do you believe in true love?

Yeah, I don't really know what that means

58: Favourite weather?

Fog

59: Do you like the snow?

Ish, depends how icy it is

60: Do you wanna get married?

I love the idea but dunno if its feasible for me

61: Is it cute when a person calls you baby?

No I think its really infantilizing. I do really love pet names, just not that one

62: What makes you happy?

Learning something new. Good music. Making someone laugh. Things that glow in the dark.

63: Would you change your name?

I have and will never stop

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Hahaha yes but uh thats A Story For Another Time

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Binary is bullshit so imma just go with my best friend @sweetcron who Id be like. Bud, you have a girlfriend and I'm also a nightmare man.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Fucking binary shit. I have Friends of Many Genders and I wouldn't be their friend if I didn't feel like I could be myself

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

OH MY GOD

68: answered

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

Not sure

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

Not to be a Gryffindor™ but it'd be quicker to ask who wouldn't I die for (for example, i would not die for mike pence)

[sp4c3-0ddity]

2018 Year-in-Fic

so following @rueitae‘s example (because i’m curious about what i’ve been up to this year too) and building off my 2017 list, a Summary of Fic: 2018 Edition:

(For convenience, you can also find my fic master list here and ao3 account here)

STATS:

Gen/non-plance fics:  15

All right, let’s start with the fic that is not plance from oldest to most recent. An asterisk* denotes if it’s tumblr exclusive

Assassins (3109 words) - Allura tries to go about business as usual, despite their “guest” - Gen, mild Allura/Lotor, canon compliant through season four

Marathon (1081) - Pidge just wants Lance to get off her back about team bonding. / (She has fun anyway.) - Gen, Garrison Trio, pre-canon

Imprinting (540) -  A flock of baby "ducks" adopts Hunk as their mother - Gen, canon compliant

Fanfiction (884) -  Pidge has a skeleton in her closet, but she made the mistake of saving it to her hard drive - Gen, canon compliant

Everywhere Cats (7363) -  A mysterious mishap transforms the Lions of Voltron into...cats, who are more troublesome for their Paladins than for Zarkon's Empire - Gen, canon compliant crack

A Rational Fear (3786) - Alteans aren't as fragile as humans, but they aren't invincible. / Or, Allura's injuries demand a stint in a healing pod; her reluctance can be easily explained - Gen, very mild Allura/Lance, canon compliant

Adrift (1621) -  Krolia's translator breaks, but that's not why her sadness is so hard to bear - Gen, pre-canon

Displaced (1318) - Keith confuses his target for someone else. / Neither of them are happy about that - Gen, Keith/Matt, time travel AU

Seek Water’s Run* (~2300) - Gen, Garrison Trio, Abhorsen (Fantasy/Zombie) AU

Crushed* (~900) - Allura/Lance, canon compliant whump

Knowledge or Death, Gun or Blade* (~2000) - Acxa and her Blade trials - Gen, canon divergent/speculative

Pigeon Bait* (~1200) - Hunk rescues a pigeon - Gen, modern/college AU

Price of Pride* (~550) - Matt talks to the Green Lion - Gen, canon compliant

Trickle* (~1000) - Keith wanders a death-scape - Allura/Keith, canon divergent (probably) 

Viable Pets* (~2000) - Hunk adopts a space chicken - Gen, dubiously canon compliant

Okay, this is where it might get a little confusing because i’m a dumbass sometimes...

plance fics (not collected): 32 wtf

Ordered from oldest to most recent; does not include anything posted (or to be posted) in this collection; anything exclusive to tumblr is denoted with an asterisk*

Growth (14042) -  Lance finds his soulmate; Pidge does not - soulmate AU in canon

Misdirection (5328) -  Lance pays attention, and Pidge just may come to enjoy a camping trip - modern AU

Fakeout (7840) -  Shenanigans turn dangerous when Lance and Pidge overhear what they should not - canon compliant

A Promise Broken, a Promise Made (5294) -  Pidge getting caught up in a project is nothing new, so why, exactly, is Lance so upset this time? - canon compliant

Facing Reality (14182) - Lance skips Fourth of July weekend with his family to spend it with his girlfriend's family instead... / ...only Pidge isn't his girlfriend. And her family is missing. In a completely different reality - modern/roommates AU...of a sort

Spill Your Thoughts (24962) - Mom bought me this notebook hoping I’d “organize my thoughts” or “find therapeutic value in it” or something like that. Personally, I think she’s just hoping I’ll leave it lying around somewhere so she can snoop into what’s going on in my life when I don’t want to tell her. / Mom, if you’re reading this, it’s not going to work because I do not need to keep a journal. So what if I don’t have any friends to vent to? / aka an AU where Pidge's journal is just that and nothing more - modern/high school AU in journal format

Infatuation, Actually (10418) -  Pidge never learned basic gun safety. Lance suffers the nonfatal consequences - love spell AU in canon

Fatalistic Daydream (27873) -  Being a low-ranking Galra soldier stationed in a virtual backwater isn’t stopping Pidge from finding out what happened to her family. But the secrets she’s keeping from her friend Keith on top of the unwanted attention of an Altean prisoner-of-war are definitely...slowing her down - somewhat Gen, everyone’s an alien AU

Living Nightmare (1892) -  Lance's isolation doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon, even if he's out of solitary confinement - outtake of Fatalistic Daydream, technically gen

Frog Pond* (~3000) - Lance kisses a frog on a dare - modern/fantasy AU

Water Rescue (19229) -  They start as strangers, but one day they may grow to be something more...familiar - fantasy AU inspired by @rueitae‘s Seasons of Magic

Dip* (~400) - They dance - canon compliant (?)

Sleep Cute* (~450) - Sleepy cuddles - canon compliant (?)

Tidal Lockdown (20937) -  An ex-rebel enlists Pidge and Lance to find her missing grandson, but on a planet populated by criminals and where the sun never sets, they can only trust each other... - canon compliant (?)

Double Life (2312) -  By day, they’re a secretive criminal-entrapping hacker and her minion; by night, they’re a flashy magician - excuse me, escape artist - and his ‘brilliant’ assistant - modern AU

Spellbound* (~3500) - urban fantasy AU

scaled to size (14747) - Lance returns to Altea triumphant, claiming to have slain a fearsome dragon and intent on collecting his reward from Prince Lotor. But not all is what it seems... / Or: The tale of how Lance survived a dragon despite leaving his heart behind - fantasy AU featuring dragon!Pidge

a prince, missing* (~7000) - Lance is a kidnapped prince and Pidge is his reluctant bodyguard - fantasy AU

a small step and a giant leap (47005, WIP) - Lance wakes when he shouldn’t to an angel of death standing over him. / It’s a first, but it won’t be the last - vague fantasy/modern AU

Full Circle (10275) - “I’m happy to be back, but I kind of don’t want to be.” / Lance, surprised, stared at Pidge. “What do you mean?” / “It feels like the end, doesn’t it? We’re back on Earth - back where we started - and it feels like we’ve come full circle.” / “Yeah, but circles just keep going, don’t they?” / Or, Lance and Pidge return to where they started, but it will never be the same again - canon divergent

Breakfast Date* (~600) - post-canon

(don’t) call an ambulance* (~3700) - modern/mafia AU

Final Lifeline (14466) - Pidge always plays to win, but this time the odds are not in her favor. / And if she loses, Lance may get worse than being fed to the Snick... - canon divergent

Misfortune Favors the Brave (26492, WIP) - Foreknowledge of a death doesn't make it any easier to prevent, but Lance is determined to try. / Even if it means breaking Pidge's heart. - canon divergent

Found and Lost* (~4800) - post-apocalyptic AU featuring android!Pidge

why not?* (~100) - drabble

Dueling Hearts (36213) -  The king of a planet that Voltron is attempting to sway to the Coalition misinterprets the nature of Lance’s relationship with Pidge…and promptly challenges him to a duel for her hand in marriage. Lance accepts immediately, much to his teammates’ (especially Pidge’s) mortification. The only problem? Lance still hasn’t figured out how to unlock his bayard’s broadsword form at will - canon divergent

And Everything Was Fine (6416) -  Pidge finds the reality where everything turned out fine; needless to say, she’s pissed - mostly Gen, mild post-canon fix-it

No Sky Like Home (6808) -  Pidge hesitates to say yes when Lance asks her on a date - post-canon

plance fics in collaboration: 3

And now the fics i did in collaboration

Smack, Kiss, Fall in Love (19589 / 2) - Pidge was only at the Garrison to find her family, not her soulmate. Lance had always had a picture of a his 'perfect' soulmate in mind. / ...until reality smacks them both - soulmate AU in canon done round robin-style with @hailqiqi

To Sail, To Break, To Earn (10268 / 3, WIP) -  Cursed by the witch Haggar, Lance, with the crew of the Blade of Marmora, sails the sea and preys on Zarkon's fleet. They are confined to the waves and forbidden from dropping anchor at port. But the deadline draws nearer, when they'll become the soulless servants of the same emperor they forswore, unless they rejoin Zarkon willingly...or earn the heart of a mermaid - in collaboration with @rueitae

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like A Christmas Carol (14384 / 3, WIP) - Lance is no Scrooge, but when he gives up a family vacation and declines an invitation to his friends' holiday gathering, he finds himself the target of a ghostly intervention. / It's a tale as old as time...or as old as the nineteenth century, and if Lance doesn't learn his lesson, he just might be forgotten - post-canon, in collaboration with @hailqiqi and @rueitae

plance fics, collected:

I’m cheating on this one. Referring to my collection Strangeness and Charm, from about Chapter 48 onward are the 2018 chapters. Last year’s word count was 73407 and this year’s word count is (with the exception of some fic saved as chapters not yet posted) 200794. here are the longer/more notable (in my opinion at least) samples that probably should’ve been posted separately:

Future (~6000) - prompted historical/arranged marriage AU

Captive (~5200) - moderately gen AU where Pidge, Lance, and Hunk are captured by pirates

Another Time (~3700) - reincarnation AU in conjunction with canon

Masquerade* (~1300) - super tease-y fantasy AU and if you don’t have the song from Phantom of the Opera stuck in your head from just reading that title i envy you

Tease (~800) - “If you love it so much then why don’t you marry it?” - canon compliant

A Pirate’s Life for Me (~4000) - Pidge is captured by space pirates - canon compliant

Absence Makes the Heart Grow (Fonder) (~7200) - Pidge finds Lance on Earth - canon divergent AU that was hilariously accurate in retrospect

like a masochistic moth to dragonflame (~3200) - the aftermath of the battle against the Coranic Dragon - piklavar, Monsters & Mana AU

Steal to Save (~800) - Pidge “loses” her glasses - canon compliant

to trust a thief (~3800) - followup to other piklavar fic

Deadline (~1000) - Stressful countdown to Lance confessing - canon compliant

Glint of Silver (~5200) - Pidge’s double life just might endanger her werewolf roommate - roommates/urban fantasy AU

masks for two* (1500) - Lady Katie learns she and her fiance have more in common than expected - historical/thieves AU

Bad Press* (~1500) - It’s not easy pretending to date your celebrity friend - fake dating AU

a personal mission* (~780) - Lance is on a mission - canon compliant (?)

the eve of it all* (~1800) - Lance stands Pidge up on game night - season eight fix-it, canon divergent

okay that ended up being way longer than i expected...

BREAKDOWN:

Ship breakdown:  

plance wins so easily it’s not even funny. oddly enough considering my current feelings on the pairing Allura/Lance takes second place (though only by very weak implication in one case and...by a very wide margin). and then there are the other mostly implied (Allura/Lotor, Keith/Matt) that occur once each plus an Allura/Keith fic and a gen fic that’s also technically Krolia/Keith’s dad

and then there’s my apparent thing for Hunk bonding with birds

Character breakdown:  

Pidge and Lance because *jazz hands* plance. i suppose Hunk and Allura may be split for third place

Characters that had the main focus:

*sweats* hilariously i think it might be...Lance?? i feel like many of my longer fics (whether one-shots or multichapter) end up in his point of view, notably a small step and Misfortune. Pidge is an easy second place though, and which of the two i favor changes. Pidge is, in a sense, a little easier to write but Lance, depending on the tone i’m going for, can be wild fun because he’s so ridiculous sometimes

SPECIFICS:

Best title?

uh...i’m capable of having decent titles?? thing is, my titles tend to be on the nose or else something i forget i need till the point i’m posting a fic, but i like Everywhere Cats partly because it was very much inspired by a simple children’s song i remember my sister playing when she first started learning piano. i also like Facing Reality as a title because of the word play i can be clever

...okay i’m going to stop here because i keep looking back and realizing i like more of those than i thought i did

Worst title?

many of them are so...plain that i’m not sure i can pick just one. sure, they tell you what the story is about, but there’s nothing hidden in them...they’re so bland. throw a dart at a board with all my one-word titles and you’ll probably hit something

Best first line?

let’s go with a masochistic moth to dragonflame:

Pike is smitten the moment he sees her, and it only grows worse when the words family heirloom cross her lips.

Worst first line?

i think my first lines in general are...decent?? nothing spectacular, just meant to convey what’s going on and why it’s important (or that’s what i try to do at least), but out of laziness i’m going with the one from Everywhere Cats:

Hunk settled his helmet onto his head as he walked into the Yellow Lion’s hangar, feeling wonderfully light at the prospect of this mission.

Best last line?

Adrift made me so emotional when i was writing it that i have to use this one:

“Love,” [Krolia] said, “can you turn off the lights? I’m showing Keith the stars.”

Worst last line?

i tend to end my fics rather abruptly (i really really hate unnecessary bits tacked on when everything is pretty much resolved) and/or on dialogue and i’m usually thoughtful of how i end it so i’m not even gonna skim through the rest of my fics because this one from Assassins is just so boring:

She followed General Sahr inside, and this time both Coran and Lotor came with her.

GENERAL:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

yes, yes i did. also looking back at last year’s list i didn’t even get any of the goals i set accomplished...whoops??

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

uh...Keith/Matt i guess?? maybe Allura/Lance too because i really don’t like that pairing now (though i used to be indifferent or else somewhat like it) so it’s like a retrospective “well i can’t believe i managed to write them as a romantic pairing”

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

always will i answer this question with scaled to size because it actually does make me happy, especially thinking of all the pain and suffering i’m only somewhat exaggerating i went through while conceiving of it thanks to a computer mishap (and, tbh, my own neglect), and ultimately all it took to revive it was a timely prompt from the Pidgance Positivity Discord and dare i say it ended up far better than planned??

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

on ao3 by kudos and excluding my collection that’s Smack, Kiss, Fall in Love (i can’t tell if it’s the magic of collaborating with someone like @hailqiqi or the allure of a soulmate AU or a fic with that many chapters). most by comments/bookmarks and second most by kudos is Dueling Hearts.

by notes on tumblr would be Sleep Cute

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

oh gosh i don’t know. throw a dart at my gen fics and you’ll probably hit one?? or else To Sail, To Break, To Earn, my collaboration with @rueitae, could use lots more love i thought you guys liked mermaids

Story that could have been better?

all of them??

Sexiest story?

uh well i’ve never posted anything more explicit than simple foreplay so i suppose that would be Final Lifeline but i also want to make note of like a masochistic moth to dragonflame because i think i did well with a touch of Unresolved Sexual Tension and Bad Press was almost candid about that sort of thing and Lance almost propositioned Pidge by accident

Saddest story?

it’s probably a toss-up between  Final Lifeline (major character death on top of a possible awful future), Misfortune (predicted character death), and a small step (they can’t really be together)

Most fun?

Bad Press was a riot while i was working on it. Everywhere Cats was a lot of fun too, as was scaled to size (though tbh i have fun writing a vast majority of my fics...)

Story with single sweetest moment?

nothing really stands out to me at the moment so this is mostly a cop-out (and Pidge and Lance are at their best when they’re teasing each other anyway) from scaled to size:

“Is there…any room for the brave and dashing knight that rescued you in that future?” Lance whispered.

“Maybe, if you find him.”

“Hey!” Lance exclaimed, pulling away from him slightly.

Pidge snickered and wrapped her arms around his neck. “But there’s room for the brave boy that grew into his too-big britches.”

“Yes, but I’m a knight now too,” Lance pointed out.

“Should I call you Sir Lance now?” Pidge raised an eyebrow while one of her hands wandered into his hair and pulled his head down. “But I think I like Lance better…”

Their noses brushed, and Pidge’s warm breath caressed his face.

Lance’s eyes slid shut when he kissed her.

Hardest story to write?

most likely Displaced because i’m not really into Keith/Matt as a romantic pairing (and it ended up more gen anyway) and i wasn’t really enamored by the idea so i was mostly just trying to wrap up what i had without getting into the concept too much

Easiest/most fun story to write?

the night i bolted out of bed possessed by a spark of inspiration thanks to this art to hammer out Masquerade will forever live in infamy

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

i don’t think so??

Most overdue story?

scaled to size if only because of the frustration i associate with its inception ;_;

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

collaborations, for one, not that it’s especially risky, but i’d never done one so that was fun!! Smack, Kiss, Fall in Love oddly enough validated by typical “write on impulse” style though...

for another, i published a fic in a zine!! also i participated in a Bang and a gift exchange, neither of which i’d done before

also posting the start of a multichapter fic not yet finished is a risk that hasn’t quite payed off yet *sweats*

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

no idea. i’m decidedly not a very goal-oriented person, but for now i think i’ll keep it simple and finish my four dubiously active WIPs, write something amazing for the Plance Mini Bang (which i’m also mod-ing oh boy), and outline as often as possible to ease the writing

[coeurdastronaute]

Giant: Ch. 15

To be safe up here with you Safe up here with you Safe up here with you Safe up here with you Safe up here with you

The summer started with a gentle growl. The streets filled with people, with tables and lingering evenings that were prolonged with the slow kind of sunset that melted into the horizon in no particular hurry. There was a quiet kind of buzz to the world, when the air grew thick and humid, that the long expanse of the hot days lingered and hissed in the road.

In the months following the attacks, her nights spent moonlighting slowed. It wasn’t that Supergirl wasn’t needed, it wasn’t that she couldn’t, it was just that there was a different kind of living that she was growing to like, a different kind of life that she felt taking shape, that she very much wanted to be a part. Different entities made it possible. J’onn embraced his heroic side, while Guardian enjoyed the late nights. Alex worked hard on the preventative side, while the world kept going, even without Kara’s constant vigilance. It meant she felt like she had a life.

The gala was alive, lingering outside despite the mild heat. The lights glowed from the roof, glowed from the poles and trees in the courtyard of the museum. Summer hummed just above the quartet, and Kara soaked up the evening, hoping that a new season would mean a new her. Lena soaked in Kara like she was the sun.

“Are those the people who said your growth was too slow?” Kara whispered, sipping the champagne.

“Yeah, that’s the Steele Financial director,” Lena nodded, following her girlfriend’s eyeline. “They said that they didn’t see a quick enough return. Not that I wasn't doing anything right.”

“Anyone who thinks you aren’t absolutely perfect and the greatest is wrong,” she disagreed, setting her jaw and staring daggers at them. “I’m going to tell them what a mistake they made by not… doing the deal thing or investing… the thing.”

“I appreciate it, but I think you’re a bit biased,” Lena chuckled as Kara continued to prowl and stare at the group.

“That’s beside the point. Anyone would agree with me.”

“Sure sure,” she chuckled. “Come on. Buy me another drink. I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.”

“I can go tell them they’re idiots,” Kara insisted as she let Lena drag her across the room. Hand on her hip, Lena guided her through the crowd, away from the temptation of fighting a battle that didn’t need fought. It was more than enough to have someone believe in her so much.

They were good at those things. Good at the parties and the music and the small talk. Lena was polished, while Kara was sweet. Lena would just smile while her girlfriend recalled birthdays and children’s ballet recitals, asking all the questions she could from people she thought as strangers. No one was a stranger to Kara for long. People actually enjoyed seeing the two, enjoyed talking with the relaxed Luthor and her adorable girlfriend. It was a new feeling, one she couldn’t remember feeling since she was a kid and her mother dragged her to all of those things and people liked them.

It wasn’t a habit to go often. Lena would send money, send another board member in her stead, but from time to time, she enjoyed getting dressed up and taking Kara out, because she had so much fun with her. She was convinced that anything with Kara would be fun. The dentists, or taxes, or the DMV-- any of it would be passably enjoyable with her Kryptonian.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Kara asked as they skated through the party, smiling and muttering their hello’s. She carefully grabbed two bubbly flutes from a server’s tray as he danced through the hall.

“Maggie invited me to her party,” Lena promised. “You take your sister out for the bachelorette party. She needs it.”

“What are you all doing?” Kara asked, pretending to be innocent enough with it. She sipped her champagne and cocked her head slightly.

“Strip club and shooting range,” her girlfriend shrugged, surveying the room for possible problems. “It all seems very much like something the Detective would deem a perfect night.”

That was always the secret to a successful appearance; vigilance. If she never stopped looking, she could avoid everyone and she could remain happy and feeling the bubbles of her drink under her skin with the goofball she dated who currently gagged on her drink, sputtering and coughing at the admission.

“You’re-- you’re-- you’re going to-- a-- a strip club?”

“For a bachelorette party, yes.” Lena watched her for a moment before grinning at the blush that appeared and the adjustment made to her already straight glasses. “Is that a problem?”

“No, no, no I just… I hadn’t thought… It’s… No,” she decided quickly.

“It’s mostly for novelty. If it bothers you--”

“No, it doesn’t I just…,” Kara swallowed and looked around before leaning forward. Her cheeks were on fire, her neck was burning. “I just thought about you there and I got distracted. You know I don’t care, right? That I trust you?”

From incredibly turned on to alarmingly earnest, Lena was in love with those extremes that rested within her girlfriend. All close and right there, she smiled and nodded, not losing the eyes that were just barely rimmed in blue. With a nod, she bit her lip before deciding to kiss Kara’s.

“As long as you’re comfortable. I think we’re going mostly because Maggie’s old roommate manages the place. You could always meet us there. I think I’d like to see that, actually.”

“Oh goodness, me?” Kara swallowed and laughed nervously. “I don’t think so.”

“What are you all doing then?”

“I barely got my sister to agree to anything, so I’m not pushing it too much. Drinks and dancing and I’m thinking paintball.”

“That sounds like the kid’s version of our night,” Lena chuckled and leaned close. She only had eyes for one person at the moment, the rest of the party be damned.

“Are you… uh… are you, um, you know…?” Awkwardly, Kara cleared her throat and looked around, her fingers antsy with the stem of her champagne glass. “At the stri-- At the party. Are you. Are you going to get a-- you know…?”

“No,” she promised. “Not terribly appealing to me when I have everything I want, waiting for me at home.”

“Like I know that was a line,” Kara softened into Lena’s arms and let her kiss her jaw as she furrowed and debated the words, earning a chuckle and hum of lips. “But it was still super sweet.”

Constant vigilance, Lena remembered, as soon as she heard the throat clearing behind them. She blamed Kara for being perfectly kissable. She blamed her for plying her with lots of champagne. She blamed Jess for being too good at her job and scheduling her so efficiently she actually had a full Sunday off and thus freed her to drink copiously.

“If it isn’t National City’s hero and her girlfriend,” Cat Grant approached, swirling her drink absently, not giving up more than a glance.

Protectively, Kara put her hand around Lena’s waist and winced at the description. She adjusted her glasses and waited for the shoe to drop.

“Good evening, Cat,” Lena nodded, composing herself into this rigidity that Kara knew was for everyone else. Kara just nodded with a smile.

Immediately, as if someone flipped a switch, gone was the girl who giggled and made little jokes to make the reporter more at ease, to make her blush. Instead, all that remained was the CEO of a company with a building that defined the skyline of the city.

“You’re the talk of this event, you know,” the editor shamelessly sized them both up, looking between them. “The living image that’s become immortalized.”

“I don’t know about that,” Kara disagreed, shaking her head nervously. “We’re just. No. That was… months ago. Things have. There’s--” She played with her glass and she felt Lena’s hand on her back. Thumb hit the gentle bit of skin that appeared at the start of her bare shoulders.

“That was a private moment that we didn’t know everyone would take to,” Lena interrupted the flustered words of her girlfriend. “It wasn’t supposed to be so public, but the guy who took the picture is making a book. Maybe you can publish an article about the proceeds going to the Survivor’s Fund.”

“I like it,” Cat agreed. “Perhaps the issue will take a turn. Your cover could be the Healing Issue. The one moving forward. You’ll have to get me in contact with the photographer and we can do a part, linking the two--”

“I’m sorry, your cover?” Kara furrowed and caught up with the conversation.

“I thought I told you,” the CEO smiled, never letting on that she was slightly worried at Kara’s reaction. “Ms. Grant got in touch with me a few weeks ago about that Day.”

“You said yes?”

“It took some convincing, but if I can do it once, just talk about it, get it all over--”

“I asked you to leave her alone,” Kara stood a little taller and glared at Cat. She hadn’t imagined ever being able to say anything like that to the woman she idolized, but protecting Lena came as easily as breathing, came as autonomously as blinking.

“Kara…” her girlfriend tugged her softly.

“I asked you to leave her be, and you just couldn’t.”

“You know it's a story, and Ms. Luthor is more than capable of making her own decisions. You’re not thinking about it as a reporter in this moment, your bias is showing,” Cat disagreed. “I simply extended the offer--”

“Darn right I’m biased.”

“Kara, it’s fine,” Lena promised.

“Excuse me,” the hero shook her head and nodded to both. “I think I’m ready to go.”

Left almost surprised, Lena watched Kara politely excuse herself as best she could before kissing her cheek and telling her not to worry, she’d find a ride home. Lena looked back at the editor and felt as if she was missing something.

“Reporters,” Cat shrugged and emptied her glass.

It took a lot more effort for Lena to get out of the gala. She also knew that for Kara to be that upset, she might need her own bit of time to calm or to figure her own words out. The worst thing was trying to fight with a girl who stumbled all over herself, unsure of what she actually felt, and thus leading to a deeper fight. As endearing as Kara being unable to articulate in certain moments, Lena knew the frustration that came with not having the right words at the right time. She knew Kara. She knew how badly she wanted  to be understood and what it must feel like to not be able to express the proper things in the words she grew up saying despite her tenure on Earth.

For the life of her, Lena didn’t want any fight at all, but something in the way Kara kissed her cheek, she knew what was coming. They were supposed to be over the hard part. They survived the blackest day in the city’s memory. They had each other.

The apartment was quiet though, when she entered and tossed her clutch on the table. Lena wasn’t sure why she almost expected different. She would have appreciated loud and angry because she could understand it.

“Kara, honey. I’m home,” Lena called as she kicked off her heels and began her trek down the hall, carefully taking earrings out on the journey. “I think we have something to talk about, but can I shower first? I need to get this make-up off of my face and I just feel gross after those things.”

Garnering no response, Lena paused and found their bedroom empty. She followed the stream of light coming from the office, careful to lean against the door while her girlfriend worked, ferociously typing something on her laptop.

“Hey,” Kara murmured without looking up from the screen.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to go shower real quick,” she explained, toying her fingers along the thick wood of the door jamb. It was easier to focus on that.

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” the reporter returned. “You look… you look really pretty tonight.”

“Thank you,” Lena smiled to herself, letting the broody thing brood all of her broodiness out.

Even angry, even upset, Kara was still polite and incapable of being anything but there, right there, in it all. Lena knew not to push, but she knew how to juggle, and that was what living with Kara was, for as much as she coined herself the emotionally deficient one, Kara was not that far ahead. She just handled it better.

There was a time when she would be nervous at this, but Kara was her best friend, and for better or worse, that meant she just understood things. When they were in their first year of university, Lena remembered a moment in which Kara got so frustrated and angry, she just couldn’t talk. She sputtered and bit her mouth from the inside, and this was no where near that bad. That was her girlfriend though, someone who got locked up. She didn’t pull away, she just had to untangle herself.

Halfway through rinsing her hair though, Lena heard the bathroom door open and wiped her eyes to see the outline of her girlfriend just outside the fogged up glass door.

“Hey. Do I have to go to that thing Shelly invited me to tomorrow? Is it too improper to bail the day of?”

“To a baby shower? Possibly.”

“Fine. I guess I have to--”

“Why didn’t you tell me about the cover?” Kara asked on the other side of the door.

Lena dipped her head under the water once more, rinsing and buying herself a moment once she understood what was happening.

“I thought I had. I thought you knew, honestly.”

“I didn’t. Well. Kind of. That’s not. What I mean is. You usually ask me about things…”

“Thought it might be a conflict of interest? I don’t know,” she shrugged though her girlfriend wouldn’t see it. “I don’t usually run L-Corp PR policy past my girlfriend.”

“This is Lena Luthor PR policy, that I thought remained still ‘no comment,’” the reporter reminded her.

“Can’t this wait until I’m out of the shower?”

“I’m not mad at you, you know,” Kara informed her, quietly pacing. “I’m mad at Ms. Grant for even asking. She asked me to ask you, and I told her no, and to not ask you. I explicitly asked that she not--”

“I’m almost done, sweetie.”

“I know. I just want you to know.”

“You don’t have worry about me answering a few questions,” Lena reminded her as she lathered her shoulders.

“Yes I do.”

“No,” she chuckled. “You don’t.”

“Like heck I don’t!” Kara yelped. In the shower, Lena rinsed the suds off and let the water warm her as she tilted back her head one last time. “You still have dreams. You still wake up out of breath and upset. That day was hard on you, it was hard on all of us, and you ran into a darn building and pulled people out and I couldn’t--”

The water shut off and for a quiet moment, Lena refused to open the door though without the water, she could see Kara a bit clearer through it. The fog swirled around her as her thoughts drained.

Wrapping a towel around her waist, she finally stepped out and met an agitated Kryptonian, anxiously leaning against the counter.

“A reporter once told me that people are just going to keep talking until I get it over with and bite the bullet,” Lena reminded her.

“This is about you, being safe and healthy about this.”

“I’m fine,” she sighed, turning off the light and retreating into the bedroom.

Like a puppy, Kara carefully followed, crossing her arms and watching Lena disappear into the closet as she dug for something to sleep in. It was a fine line to walk with a Luthor. She remembered once when Lena told her that being in love with a Luthor was like loving a wildfire, and no truer words had ever been spoken.

“Lena, you’re not fine. It’s been a rough rebound for both of us. But your father is going to be brought up, and you haven’t said anything about your brother’s letters--”

“Anita Hudson, Megan Pope, Al Frazier, Elijah Mack, Elsie Porter,” she began to recall as she stepped out, back into the bedroom. “Oscar Dean, Edgar Wise, Ramona Pratt--”

“Don’t do that,” Kara’s jaw clenched with the words.

“I used to know them all, but I can’t keep up anymore, Kara,” Lena scoffed. “I’ve filled up notebooks writing their names, and I keep on going, but it’s because of my family they’re dead.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“My family hurt people, and I can’t find my father anywhere. Lionel Luthor is a ghost that keeps haunting me, ruining my life,” she argued, shaking her head, eyes glassy over the fight she didn’t want to have. Kara took a step toward her and she recoiled. “I’ve looked everywhere. I’ve devoted hundreds of thousands of hours of resources, millions of dollars in funding to hunt down and eliminate terrorists. I’ve worked with organizations I hate like your precious DEO, and I’ve done everything in my power, but I haven’t been able to do anything right from the start of all of this!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kara reminded her gently.

“I should have stopped it.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she repeated. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Your family did. You are not guilty by association.” The hero reached for her girlfriend and held her shoulders, met her eyes, wiped away a stray tear. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You never planted a bomb, you never attacked innocent people, you never plotted to cause harm to others. You are a brave and important person, Lena.”

“I can’t get the names out of my head. And I see the things… I see the sights. I wake up with the smell of that day…”

“I know. Me too,” Kara promised, hugging her tightly.

For a while she just held her there and she knew it was a fight for another day. That Lena Luthor was very much different from the girl everyone else saw, from the one Cat wanted on the cover of CatCo for a message of hope. She kissed her head and let her root her hands in her shirt to keep herself steady.

“I don’t know how to distance myself from them,” Lena sighed. “I’m stuck.”

“You can stop blaming yourself for the destruction they’ve caused.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean it,” Kara warned. “I don’t remember much from that night… but I know I came home to you, and you cleaned me up, and I remember you telling me I couldn’t save everyone. That’s something that comes through clear. And if I have to believe, and it is a hard fact to accept, but if I have to believe that I can’t save everyone, that the universe isn’t on my shoulders. Then you have to believe that you couldn’t have done anything to stop them.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Believe me. I know.”

“I’m sorry,” Lena whispered, dragging her nails gently along Kara’s neck. She had nowhere else she ever wanted to be than right there, safe and quiet and herself.

“I’m sorry I got mad about the article. It just seemed like you were finally getting close to back, and this was… I wanted to help you,” she admitted sheepishly. “It’s just my first instinct to protect you.”

Deep into the night, deep into the city, the two remained, exhausted and barely upright, but still, together. Lena kissed Kara’s shoulder and hid her cold nose in her girlfriend’s neck, earning a little bit of a giggle at the movement.

“Do I have to go to that baby shower tomorrow?” Lena asked again, earning a laugh.

“Yes.”

“But after, we get back in pyjamas and you make me dinner.”

“Is that the plan for the day?” Kara hummed, closing her eyes and hugging Lena a bit tighter.

“It is.”

“Sounds good.”

“I’m still going to do the interview,” Lena murmured. Her arms moved with the sigh that Kara let out. “I have to get it all over with, and this is the best way to do that. We both need to move forward. And if it helps, if us kissing around town makes everyone feel normal, then I say we do our civic duty.”

In the embrace, Kara closed her eyes and let her head lean forward, plum exhausted from existing at all, let alone keeping up with the embodiment of work ethic that was her girlfriend.

“This feels a little perfect, despite everything else.”

“I told you we’d find it again.”

“I really wanted to kiss you in that moment, when we were kids,” Kara informed the CEO with a sliver of a smile. “I was very sad, and you were happiness.”

“What about now?”

“I’m not sad at all.”

“Still want to kiss me?” Lena grinned. Her fingers toyed with the collar of Kara’s shirt, tickled up her neck.

Without a thought at all, Kara leaned forward and did what she wanted to do all those years ago when her heart was broken and Lena was like coming up for air.

“We’re really good at fighting.”

“I actually think we’re terrible,” Kara hummed. “But I’m okay with that.”

“You’re getting married tomorrow!” Lena cheered, raising her glass high and proud. “To a Danvers! Let the good Lord help you and provide you with unending patience. You’ve become my sister in this trap we’ve found ourselves after meeting two very strong-willed and damn beautiful women. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather go through the thick of it with.”

A chorus of laughs and applause erupted in the little bachelorette party in the corner of the elegant and lushly decorated burlesque bar and strip club. Deep reds and dark woods decorated all of the walls while the women in the giant circular booth wore all manner of sparkly and short dresses with sashes and embarrassing hats and light up necklaces and rings.  

After she drank the rest of her champagne, after her toast, Lena collapsed with a giggle beside Maggie into the booth while the music swirled and the lights flashed and shook. The song changed and a dancer emerged, earning a whole new level of hollering from the severely inebriated party.

“We snagged ourselves good ones, didn’t we, Luthor?” Maggie yelled in Lena’s ear as she poured more champagne.

“They saved us.”

“You have no idea,” the detective slurred, sloshing the bottle as they both leaned back and stared at the stage. “I was a mess before that stupidly pretty girl walked into my life.”

“Oh, believe me,” Lena nodded, eyes wide and in complete understanding. “When I walked away from Kara… I knew I was losing my one shot. She was it. I was twenty and an idiot, but I knew in my heart. And then she walked into my office, all mad and hurt and I was such a mess, but she didn’t care at all.”

“I can’t fathom how you managed to walk away. Kara is perfect. She’s like. A literal golden retriever in human form.”

“I can’t fathom how you proposed. How does that feel?” Lena laughed at the description of her girlfriend while she watched a woman do ungodly things with her body.

Both tilted their heads slightly.

“I looked at her, and I just knew,” Maggie shrugged. “It wasn’t scary. You’ll see one day.”

“Me? No. I couldn’t.”

“You and Kara have been together since you were like twelve.”

Their heads tilted the other direction as they nodded appreciatively.

“We’ve been dating two years. I just figured out that I might want a fish one day.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“It’s a long story.”

In just a few days, another article would come out, with another cover with her face on it. Inside, there were quotes about how she struggled to deal with the aftermath of that day, about her own guilt, about how she didn’t allow herself to grieve and hurt because she knew that others felt more, lost more. She was honest and it was all Kara’s fault for making her that way.

Even before it came out, people were calling for her head on a spit. Even before, she anticipated it and gave all information to the authorities, submitted to degrading questioning, kept her air of transparency that she promised with the company. It was exhausting.

Just the thought of it all made her drink again.

“Seriously, you can’t tell me you’re not going to ask Little Danvers to marry you one day,” Maggie insisted as another performer emerged. The rest of the group went wild, stood by the stage and slid money all over.

“I’m not even allowed to think of things like that,” Lena scoffed and finally dug out her phone from her pocket.

“What do you mean?”

There was a slur to her words. Lena felt the slur in her own words, in her eyelids, in her movements, in the way her eyes had a hard time seeing and her brain had a harder time processing. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d drank so much, nor that she mixed so many types of alcohol.

“I can’t give all of me to Kara until I’m free of my family and my job. I don’t know when that will be. I hate it.”

“Seems like she’s in it.”

“When did you know?”

“That Kara loved you?”

“That you wanted Alex forever,” she clarified,

“The third time she stayed over at my place,” Maggie smiled, hugging the bottle of champagne to her chest and neck dreamily. “I mean it was super early in our relationship, which scared the absolute fuck out of me.”

“Definitely.”

“But we were arguing about something stupid. She got all upset, and started to do that stuttery thing, where her shoulders--”

“Go the whole way up to her ears and her neck disappears while she does her best DeNiro impression?” Lena guessed quickly. “Kara does that!”

“Yes!” Maggie yelped. “She’s standing there, arguing with me, and she just has these eyes. They taste like maple syrup. Or. They feel like it? She feels like sitting in a jacuzzi when she looks at me. Like my whole body is made of soda.”

“And you knew?”

“I remember it distinctly. I had this thought that I was looking at the big ol’ nerd I was going to be stuck with for the rest of my life, whether I liked it or not. Deep down I knew that I liked it.”

“Wow.”

“You’ve had that though.”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Kara’s eyes are like… being very afraid of the high dive and jumping anyway on a dare. They’re so blue. Like.”

“I don’t mean her eyes only, idiot.”

“Oh right.”

In the middle of a show, they were infinitely drunk and distracted and quite frankly exhausted from the shooting range and eating and drinking and the excitement, though they fought to find a second wind while everyone was distracted.

Maggie’s brothers hooted and hollered, enjoying themselves and the servers. A few friends blushed and watched. They slunk deeper into the huge red, velvety cushions and nursed their drinks and lamented love.

Lena held her phone close to her nose as she tried to balance her glass and type at the same time.

Your eyes are so pretty. I don’t tell you that enough. She sent it to Kara and prayed for no spelling mistakes.

“Last year,” Lena recalled with a gulp. “We were at Kara’s. It was snowing or something. Raining maybe. She was upset about having to rewrite an article for the fifth or so time. I slid into her lap at the kitchen table and kissed her neck, and she worked around me, but I just sat there until she relaxed. Being able to help, to do something like that. It just. She does this thing, where she nudges me with her forehead when she’s tired. It always falls on my shoulder or cheek or collarbone. I’m someone who takes care of someone else. And it happens so naturally, I don’t even think about it. That moment, I sat there and knew.”

“See? She’s a labrador,” Maggie stated quite firmly.

Your boobs are quite fun to play with, Kara returned, earning a smile. Lena showed the future bride and earned a laugh as well.

Are you drunk, Kara Danvers?

“I want to go see my brother, once and for all, clear the air. Disavow him. Get out from this, escape it. I’m afraid to ask Kara to go with me.”

It was a confession that Lena had meant to keep to herself, but she was drunk and Maggie was… she really was the closest thing she had to a partner in crime. To be honest, the idea ate her up, but she fully believed she needed it.

“I think you should,” the detective decided. “Listen, when my parents disowned me, I thought I was done, washed my hands clean of them. But something ate at me, and as I got older, I realized I’d written scripts of things I had to get off of my chest.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. I think it’s natural. And then I decided to get married and I had to tell them. And I told them everything I’d wanted to say. Nothing changed, except I feel a million times lighter. They won’t be there tomorrow, but I will. If you want to free yourself, you have to get rid of that weight,” she promised, pointing her finger at Lena’s chest, leaning closer, all woozy and the philosophical that comes only after greatly exceeding the legal limit. “You scrub it off, hard and fast, and then you’re new. You’re someone who gets to keep a Danvers.”

I’m very drunk. I also think about your butt more than I think normal people think about butts.

“You are wise for a cop.”

“And you’re dumb for a genius.”

Both laughed at their descriptions and cheered for the woman on stage.

“Seriously. Don’t worry about anything. Everything will be okay. We hit the motherlode for girls.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“I like Alex a lot.”

“Do you miss them?” Lena ventured, laughing and lulling her head to the side.

“I really do. Is that lame?”

“Watch this.”

With a lot of effort, and nearly mimicking a newborn fawn, Lena walked around the table that filled with more bottles and whispered in someone’s ear before handing her phone over to someone else. Curiously, Maggie watched it unfold, unable to focus on much explicitly, though she tried hard.

“What’s going on?” she finally asked as Lena joined her again.

The night was getting very late, very old, and Lena needed to spice it up, and if that meant the Danvers sisters, then that was just what she was going to do. Mostly, it was selfish, because a drunk Kara meant that dirty kind of bruising sex that she couldn’t get enough of. But surely Maggie understood that.

“Just wait.”

Lena slipped a large bill to the server who helped her with her plan and ordered another round for the group.

“I don’t get it,” Maggie furrowed.

“Trust me. I know drunk Ka-”

“Hey why was someone else touching your butt?” an exasperated Kara ran in, a breeze trailing behind her as she barely came to a stop at the group.

“Told you,” Lena grinned. “Alex should be in here in like fifteen.”

“I take it back. You’re a genius, Luthor,” Maggie nodded appreciatively of the tactics involved.

“That’s my butt,” Kara reminded her, oblivious to the conversation happening. She looked around and pushed up her glasses, blushing wildly when she looked at the stage. “Oh goodness. How does she bend like that? She’s so… strong. Holy cow! Lena did you see this?”

“Hi, honey,” the CEO cooed, watching her transfixed by the woman on the pole, her mouth agog and brow furrowed delicately.

“Hey. Seriously though,” the hero shook her head. “Golly. She must work out. How much do you think she works out?”

“Labrador,” the two in the booth nodded with a grin to each other.  

“Do you think that’s pilates? Because I can lift a lot, but I don’t think my legs bend that way. Should I do pilates?” Lena watched Kara’s head tilt with the movements. “I’m going to go ask her.”

“No! Kara, stay,” her girlfriend grabbed her hand, tugging her toward the chair. “Stay.”

“Hey, why was someone grabbing your butt. That’s only mine to grab.”

“I wanted to see how quickly I could get you here. I was very successful.”

“I’ve had a few drinks,” Kara nodded, finally smiling just because she was close to the girl she loves. “Hi Maggie. You’re getting married tomorrow! Are you freaking out? Alex is totally freaking out. In a good way. Alex! I lost her.”

“She knows where to find us,” Lena promised. “Time we spiced up your party a little anyway.”

“This is a good one, Little Danvers,” Maggie leaned across from her chair and clapped a hand on her future sister-in-law’s shoulder. “You keep her around, okay?”

“Don’t worry. We’re getting a fish,” she nodded, yelling once more over the music. Her gaze couldn’t be stolen from the girl on stage who was completely fascinating to her.

“What is it with you two and fish? I don’t get it.”

“It’s a long story,” Kara promised, smiling at her girlfriend.

“Fish are the worst. Get a cat.”

“Oh Lena! Can we?” That got her attention quite quickly, her morbid curiosity of the dancer turning to childlike eagerness at the prospect.

“Not tonight.”

“You always say that,” Kara accused.

“You never ask when you’re sober. Hush and watch.”

True to her word, Alex arrived fifteen minutes later, nearly out of breath and with the rest of her party in tow. James and Winn had very different reactions to the scenery. Alex wasn’t much better.

Lena found herself scooting to the side to let the couple sit and drink together as the whole crowd formed once more around them. Toasts happened, drunken, swirling toasts and well-wishes of friends and family. The CEO didn’t care much. She nibbled Kara’s ear and neck, she ran her nails along Kara’s back, under her shirt, devilishly slowly, just to tease her. She was very drunk and Kara was right beside her. That was her only defense.

“You should come by my room at the hotel,” Lena whispered, stealing a moment just for them.

“I’m the maid of honor. I can’t leave Alex.”

“Just for a bit,” she promised. “I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll be quick.”

Kara’s eyes were pure pupil in the dark lights of the club, after Lena spent a lot of time toying with her to untenable ends. Lena watched her lick her lips and stare at her own.

“I’ll drop her off and get her to sleep.”

“Don’t keep me waiting too long or I’ll start without you.”

“Goodness. This is the best night of my life,” Kara decided, earnest and honest.

“Just you wait.”

Despite the inevitable hangovers and jitters, the wedding party made it to the ceremony in one piece. It was actually thanks to the nerves that the hangovers took a back seat completely, nearly forgotten as the pictures were taken before the ceremony. The spring wafted along the river while the blossoms from the trees carpeted the tiny little garden they’d selected to exchange vows. It was all white and silver and cast in hues of pinks and blues and purples and all manner of the season, all earthy and muted and breathy.

Carefully, Lena accepted a seat beside James and Lucy, grateful to not be too shunned by some of the people in the room, most of whom knew her on site, knew her brother’s words, her father’s actions, and hated her name. It was getting better, but an affair laced with so many aliens was bound to make her uncomfortable.

But now she kind of had a group of mutual friends with her girlfriend, in that she knew James, and enjoyed hanging out with him, getting a coffee and chatting about the affairs of the world, often ending in heated arguments that ended in smiles and laughter.

And she absolutely loved having Winn stop by when she had something to show him that they could both geek out over, as Kara so affectionately explained one afternoon when she dropped snacks by the workshop while they toiled on some compressor and specs for some whatsit she didn’t really care to learn.

From time to time, Lena even found herself having drinks with Maggie after work while the Super Team worked a case they weren’t to be privy. There was a commiseration with the only other person who knew what it was like to be in love with a Danvers and a hero.

It wasn’t a constant or even regular occurrence, to see these friends of Kara’s. But it did happen from time to time with such regularity that it at least seemed that Lena was somewhat part of that group. It was hard for her to commit fully. She liked that Kara had her own things, never wanting to cloud that.

On the flip side, Kara remembered Lena’s friend’s birthdays and sent them cards and flowers and scheduled lunches with them fairly often, always one to outdo Lena in the ways of being human. But it was mostly double dates, things to get Lena out, as if she was a parent setting up playdates, and for the life of her, Lena was certain she wouldn’t keep in touch with most people if it weren’t for her friend wing-woman.

But she had friends. She had a life filled with them. She had soccer games on thursdays and brunch on the occasional saturday. She had a host of people that saved her a seat at a wedding, and that was something she never would have imagined just two years ago.

As the ceremony started, she couldn’t help but let her mind drift to the places anyone’s would drift in a wedding. It didn’t help that Kara was standing up there in her pretty yellow gown, with a crown of flowers woven in her hair, the literal personification of spring and life and goodness in one body. It certainly didn’t help that Lena couldn’t look anywhere else other than that slightly dimpled grin.

She wanted the house with the windows and the floppy dog and the lazy cat. She wanted the job she loved and was fulfilling. She wanted vacations on an island where phones didn’t work. She wanted to have a regular place they went to breakfast on sunday mornings. And she wanted it all with the girl who was  beaming from beside her sister.

Though it came in flashes and not a coherent sentence, Lena remembered Maggie’s story about shedding all the past and being done with it. Surely there was some speck of wisdom she could glean from that. It must be true, because now the detective was standing there with dimples the size of craters, marrying the woman she loved, and she knew that she deserved to be happy. Lena wanted that feeling, like she wasn’t merely stealing happiness in bits and pieces, covertly keeping it hidden and hoarded in case someone caught on and saw her happy and decided to tell her the truth, that she didn’t earn it.

Halfway through, as Alex and Maggie repeated and slipped rings onto each other, Kara caught Lena’s eye and seemed to say the same thing with just a glance, her own thoughts echoing Lena’s yearning for a future despite not knowing quite how to get there. That part didn’t matter, she realized as Kara smiled again, blushing slightly, she gave Lena a wink and quickly looked back at the couple cementing their vows. It was more than enough.

Somehow, in a blink, ten years had passed, and they had grown up from two awkward kids on the water tower past curfew, though neither knew how. In another ten, Lena was almost certain she would remember that moment in the ceremony where Kara promised her the world with just a smile.

The only thing that Lena realized, right there at the ceremony, right there as everyone clapped and James nudged her shoulder and Lucy joked about which was next, right there, where Kara clapped and smiled so wide, Lena was certain, this time for sure, Kara was the sun, and everyone else was her’s and she was ready to fight for it and them.

The realization was new, was all-encompassing, was violent and hard and overwhelming. But there it was, nurtured deep in Lena’s heart and soul and gut. This was what her brother and father would never understand.

Kara caught her eye and gave her another wink as she joined arm with Maggie’s brother and best man as they moved down the aisle and out of the church. With a giant smile and glassy eyes, Lena returned it with a kiss.

[lewigm-blog]

Newsletter 3.5: With just a few loaves and some fish we can all do the Magis

Published August 22, 2019

 “Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, he said the blessing, broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, who in turn gave them to the crowds. They all ate and were satisfied…”

-        Matthew 14: 13-21

 This one goes out to all those who have fed me when they thought they didn’t have much to give. It is because you give, that I am where I am today. Surely those efforts have helped others out as now it is me who is sharing more loaves of bread and fish than I thought I had.

 During our misa a few weeks ago, Matthew’s gospel passage had me reflecting on the magis, which for those who don’t know is a Jesuit/Latin comparative adjective meaning “the more.” This is something that Saint Ignatius constantly reflected on and challenged others in. At any time, it is to be and give more of yourself to others, yourself and, by nature, God as well. I have had countless opportunities to live out this magis during my time as a JV. I could always give my students and community more attention, a project more of my energy, and be more present during mass or during “Peruvian” meetings. While these are just a few situations in which the litany and struggles of life have tempted me from performing at 100%, I recognize that it is a completely normal thing to experience from time to time.

In the world of a volunteer and, I imagine, a professional, the temptation to be and do “enough” will happen more than once and can affect other areas of our lives. It can sneak into our routines subtly and casually (as sin usually does), but it can also happen all at once through traumatic events such as the death of a loved one, an accident or any other unexpected tragedy. You may very well be experiencing this difficulty in your lives now as Jesus did upon hearing the news of the death of John the Baptist during this past week’s reading. Like Jesus, we may want to retreat from the world to recover from a difficult moment but sometimes God has other plans for us and puts people in our lives that call for us to be more. In this Gospel reading we see that Jesus still tends to the needs of the people, performing miracles and constantly giving more of himself for others even when he may not be at his best emotionally. It is during these experiences that we are tested and pushed to the limit as people. Sometimes it is the people we give all of ourselves to that are the ones goading us, pushing us closer to the brink of giving up.

The children of Israel lamented, “Would that we had meat for food! We remember the fish we used to eat without cost in Egypt…But now we are famished; we see nothing before us but this manna.”

*This one does hit home with me literally as the frequency and access to meat was much more readily available back in the states than here in Peru, but I digress…

Oh, how ungrateful the Israelites were! Oftentimes, our service or jobs have us encountering and accompanying people who complain and fail to recognize the love in our labor as Moses experienced. Our children, students or anyone else who depends on us might be crying out for something that we aren’t exactly offering or feel obliged to offer. The hope is that they are seeking the magis, but it usually isn’t phrased or perceived this way. It can present itself as moaning and groaning after the students’ “reward” for finishing their work early is yet another worksheet. It could also be in the form of blank stares of silence and indifference after showing them what you initially thought was interesting or profound. God forbid you try to get your students to think a bit more critically! Maybe it’s just an off day for you and them and they’re not ready to understand why you teach this way. They might not even know what their words or actions are doing to our spirit, but it can be tough to keep moving forward from this. I haven’t had a formal education in teaching so why am I here anyway? All these thoughts have raced through my mind while I’m in school teaching.

“Why do you treat your servant so badly?” Moses asked the LORD. “Why are you so displeased with me that you burden me with all this people?... Where can I get [meat] (insert whatever applies in your vocation) to give to all this people? For they are crying to me, ‘Give us [meat] for our food.’ …If this is the way you will deal with me, then please do me the favor of killing me at once, so that I need no longer face this distress.”

Well we certainly don’t want to push Mr. Moses, cause he’s close to the edge (for the song reference click here). In the book of Numbers (11: 4b-15), we see an image of a frustrated, on-the-edge Moses (and at times Luis during 6th grade Catechism classes) going through a difficult experience. I remember feeling this way several times after the initial “new teacher” grace period was over. Some of my students wanted to test me and push me and see what would happen. Thankfully, I didn’t let it bother me too much initially, but after some time and external responsibilities piling up, I began to show my inner Moses.

Curiously enough, my session on the Ten Commandments for my 6th graders in June had me wanting to pull my hairs out. We were about about a month away from the mid-year break and the kids were starting to show their readiness for the vacation. This session was supposed to take only one class, but it spanned two, hour and a half sessions across two weeks. The session seemed simple as I asked the students to find the scripture passage on the Commandments, read it as a group (popcorn style) and then identify 10 or so commandments. A few of the commandments weren’t explicitly written out and this threw them for a loop. Once the 30-minute ordeal was over, I grouped them by table and they were to write on papelón, or big paper, their assigned commandment and provide an illustration of one situation in which people followed the commandment and then one example of people disobeying the commandment. The activity dragged on and the students did not want to cooperate. I was growing frustrated as I struggled to maintain order in class, so I asked them to present their illustrations. The results were sad, but hilarious.

The “Best” of the presentations on the Ten Commandments

           Perhaps not the most kind and loving way to teach, but I am still learning and feel that I have a sense of humor to uphold. After this episode, there were constant breaks in our lessons week to week as events would come up that would leave several weeks between religion classes. It is important to note that we teach religion once a week, which only made matters worse. This lack of organization at Fe y Alegria, my waning patience, and an overall lack of commitment to much of anything brought me into a low and apathetic state. I eventually fell into a trap of copy-and-paste lesson planning. I would provide relatively simple lessons that summarized the celebration, origin of a Saint or an image of Mary that was conveniently packaged into a video that I found the night before, or morning of class. The unoriginal and unengaging sessions could be likened to that of a substitute teacher plan that I had always dreamed and hoped for as a middle schooler myself; It was a shortcut way of “teaching” if one could call it that. In hindsight, this period was when my flame and passion for JVC and teaching flickered and grew dim. Utterly disheartened, inexplicably exhausted and seemingly drained of creativity, I found myself in a power save mode of myself.

This change didn’t happen overnight, and I still struggle to pinpoint its origins, but I realized that it wasn’t healthy place to be. It led to a lack of enthusiasm in many aspects of my life, namely with my JVC community, local relationships with coworkers, and then to family and friends from home. The JVC values of simple living, social justice, spirituality and community were also reduced greatly and often neglected. I was, as some of my Spaniard friends say, in la ubi or a critical point in my life. Thankfully I just had to make it until the mid-year break in order to see my girlfriend and lifegiving force Cat. But even with these brief feelings of excitement, I would wakeup exhausted and knew that I just needed a break. When the opportunity to sign up for the Spiritual Exercises came up, I took them seriously in the hope that it would restore me to the gung-ho, high energy JV I knew I was. I was hoping to encounter God and myself, and thankfully I did.

The 3-day experience of the Spiritual Exercises was a refreshing dive into the deep end of spirituality that came at the right time. I had always been in the pool, but I think I wasn’t doing myself any favors by staying in the shallow end for so long. It helped me reset and reassess what was important to me and let go of anything that wasn’t conducive to my growth and wellbeing. I used Dean Brackley’s The Call to Discernment in Troubled Times as a guide through the exercises and what moved me the most was his chapter on forgiveness. I was having a hard time accepting the fact that we are all sinners and have to ask God for the grace to accept ourselves.

“From a gospel point of view, appreciating God’s healing mercy is more important than fixating on our defects. For what frees us is knowing that we are acceptable and accepted, not as a prize for being good, but in spite of being not so good.” (29)

This quote, among others in the book, helped me to understand the way that God sees us as people in need of constant forgiveness. It might be the reason why Jesus helped out those folks who followed Him even when He wanted to be off by Himself. We are certainly imperfect creatures and it isn’t easy to admit that we are flawed and are in need of forgiveness. This self-forgiveness leads into other areas of our lives and helps us to recognize that those we serve also need forgiveness and patience. It works by both offering it whenever possible, but also accepting it whenever we need it. If you think about your own professions, the same might be said about you! I understand and appreciate this now especially as a teacher myself. Along with my own classes in primary school I also assist with the preschool in the mornings. I am more than aware of the amount of energy and patience is necessary to manage 30 children for several hours at a time! Something that the exercises that helped me reflect the goodness in the day was to review one’s day, week or year in this way:

Where was God in my day today? Where was it easy to find Him? Where was it difficult? How have I helped another? How was my energy or mood in that moment? Where do I draw my energy to continue forward when I begin to grow tired? Is this sustainable? Why or why not? This is simply a way of focusing less on the errors in our ways of teaching and more on the goodness of our service and labor. I am all too aware that I have a hyper-sensitivity and criticalness to how I live out my day and this can bog me down easily.

Something that helped me slowdown and be more was being assigned the chore of taking out the garbage. The unfortunate part about having the garbage chore is that the truck comes on Saturdays and you must unload your garbage whenever the truck arrives (between 6:30-8:00am) or else the company doesn’t pick it up. I took the morning and chore silently as I walked through the main plaza of Andahuaylillas and appreciated the stillness and beauty of the surrounding mountains. While I waited for the truck to arrive, I saw a short elderly woman that I had never seen before getting her garbage out onto the street. She came closer to me and advised me through hand gestures that the truck was on the other side of the street. I realized that she was deaf and tried her best to communicate with me. One of the reflection readings for the Exercises and this moment had me thinking about how Jesus healed the deaf man in (Mark 7:31-37). I also thought about how Jesus was reaching out to the poor and marginalized and gave them the opportunity to feel heard and listened to. I decided to sit down with this woman and let her feel heard, even though I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying.

I began to see and appreciate the way God works through people. It was as if He was telling me to stop and listen to others. It didn’t take much effort, it only took some time, patience and presence for me to be fulfilled in that moment. It might not seem like much, but the magis that I speak of is much like this. The magis isn’t only the great moments that transform the world noticeably, but a simple outpouring of self when you don’t have to. I used to think about how people sometimes seem to be “slowing me down” with a hello or how are you, when in reality these are the opportunities to be more for others. It is an opportunity to lean into someone’s life and be there to ask them the same. It is a habit that builds with time and mindful reflection. The Exercises have taught me to pray for God’s grace to be able to encounter Him more whenever the time or opportunity arises. It seemed foreign to me when I first truly heard about praying for grace, but it has improved my ability to find God in all things, large and small.

An example of how kindness imprints on the heart. Ben, a former JV, being embraced with one of his old students from his time here four years ago

This has changed my outlook and attitude on the kind of teacher I want to be. I feel more capable of giving myself over to the lives of the students and other teachers. I have a newfound source of patience with the kids, and it has already made a world of a difference. That isn’t to say that I haven’t slipped here and there, but I am much more mindful of the moments that we do have a productive session or activity. Even looking back before the Exercises, I realized that I did have fantastic moments of learning and discussion. It has happened less than I would like since working with primary school aged students is (roughly) 75% classroom management and whatever is left over is for learning material. I use learning loosely as it isn’t only about knowing concepts, but also the development of the whole person. Although we can build a tolerance for workloads and social obligations, we need these hiatuses from time to time to turn our low battery mode selves into a high-performance version of ourselves as well. When we are able to reach the 110% range and beyond, we can work and function more creatively and spectacularly for and with others.

The preschoolers are learning to cut hair and take on some adult responsibilities such as reading magazines

Ordering the mass by events! I learned a lot myself by planning this activity.

 It takes constant reflection and humility to be able to discern what our hearts are craving, but we must also ask for God’s grace to develop this skill. We may at times feel that we know what we need to be our full selves, and to an extent we do, but this knowledge is slowly revealed to us by God through people and experiences. We might believe that we crave one thing (type of food or drink), but in reality, what we needed was another (appetizer) that reminds us to stop and savor the moment (food) we are chewing now. I want to thank those who have given me exactly what I needed even when I didn’t know I needed it. These folks are the educators in my life who taught me the invaluable lessons of hard work, reflection, and self-empowerment that have kept me going. This is for all those in the counseling/ after school programs, coaches, family, friends and all my mentors in between. A number of you are on this list and know who you are. Keep on with the magis attitude but also give time for yourselves to rediscover or reignite that flame if you are ever feeling exhausted or overwhelmed with work. Even Jesus needed lunch breaks from time to time, so once again thanks for sharing yours.

“Taking the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, he said the blessing, broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, who in turn gave them to the crowds. They all ate and were satisfied…”

  Matthew 14: 13-21

Peace,

Luis

P.S.

I would like to hear you tales and moments of feelings of burnout and being overwhelmed with life, and how you have moved past this. Teachers of mine! I ask that (if possible) to please share your stories, because I am sure that I have likely been the culprit or source of some of that grief at some point or another. (Whether that be sleeping in the front row of class or something from my time as an angsty teenager!) I look forward to hearing from you!

  For more pics click here! https://photos.app.goo.gl/Ay3FwhQEGCoRQ3oj9

(Full reading here)

[drmichaelmajickmikelikey]

Here's the introduction to my book, "I AM Magic Mike Likey! The Collector's Edition". If you enjoyed my TV-show in Winnipeg from 1985-1994, you'll LOVE this book, which is filled with humorous anecdotes and LOTS of pictures! It's September 2016, and I sit here and ponder all of my blessings with wonder and awe. At this point, I'm looking forward to spiritually-counseling my Theocentric Psychology clients, to holding a few metaphysically-oriented workshops, to writing several more books, and to the several magic-shows I'll be performing over the next few months, in addition to learning and honing more magic-tricks! It was in June of 1985 that I started video-taping the premiere episode, 58-minutes in length, of my television program "Kiddie Cabaret", which subsequently aired the following week on VPW 13 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. It was a guaranteed pilot, which essentially meant that I was given approval to record subsequent 30 (really 28) minute shows ad-infinitum for airing at a weekly, regular time. I was only twenty-nine at the time, but I had dreamed of having my own television show (producing and starring in one) ever since watching "Magic Tom's Surprise Party" and "The Magic Land of Alakazam" on TV as a child! These shows featured a magician who did amazing illusions week-after-week, and I never tired at the wonders and marvels that these fellows had to offer. Every day (in Magic Tom Auburn's case) at 4:00 p.m. after school I sat myself down in front of the TV to see what tricks Magic Tom would do this time. He also featured a sci-fi adventure serial from the 1940's, "Rocket Man" which I embraced wholeheartedly as well. In those days in Montreal, Canada, all we had in the way of Canadian children's programming on television (besides American shows) was "The Friendly Giant", "Razzle Dazzle", "Tween Set", "Butternut Square", (later "Mr. Dressup") and "The Forest Rangers", all produced in Toronto, as well as "Johnny Jellybean", "Romper Room", and "Chez Helene", all produced in Montreal, in addition to Magic Tom Auburn's "Surprise Party". What a surprise indeed it was for me daily as I eagerly soaked up the tricks and sleight-of-hand that Magic Tom did; Tom was such an influence on young, Montreal, aspiring magicians, that they all called themselves "Magic this", or "Magic that", hence my professional stage-name, "Magic Mike". with the onslaught of other "Magic Mike's" in the 1980's and '90's, I later had to specify "Magic Mike Likey", but for many years in Winnipeg I was known locally as "Magic Mike". Winnipeg even spawned a young magician, "Magic Joey", an alcoholic beverage known as "Mike's Magic Elixir", and a high-end amusement centre in a Charleswood mall, "Magic Mike's"! My, the power of television, although quite frankly it was Public Access television, which essentially meant that anyone and his dog could have a TV-show on that channel because of CRTC regulations. CRTC stands for Canadian Radio and Television Commission. The CRTC would later (in 1994) rescind it's law, causing all Public Access channels across Canada to shut down, and with that the end of "Magic Mike & Company" as well as numerous other TV-show on that channel which Winnipeggers refer to as "The Golden Age of Television". The Golden Age of Television included such luminaries as "The Pollack and Pollack Show", and "The Continentals", more on these later on. There was also "The Jaret Sereda Show" and "The Noreen Shane Show", both of which featured and supported local talent. When local Winnipeg television stations decided to shut down production of all children's programming in 1994, gone were new productions of "The Fred Penner Show" and a show on broadcast television that I had been a regular on since 1990, "S'Kiddle Bits" with Juno-award winning-host, Joey Gregorash. This downward spiral (which resulted in my relocation to Vancouver, Canada in 1994) in television quickly upturned several years later when, in 2000, the CRTC reinstalled it's Public Access policies once again. But it was too late for most of us children/family entertainers who had long moved onto better things. Thanks to television of the '80's and '90's, we were given an indelible mark on the consciousness of the public; it still amazes me to this day, how many Winnipeggers of certain generations still recall "Magic Mike's Castle", one of my three television shows. Back to counting all my blessings. If the face of Winnipeg television wouldn't have changed back in 1994, I wouldn't have been motivated to move onto other things. Don't get me wrong; for years in Montreal, Toronto, and Winnipeg I had gainful employment as a Graphic Designer, Cartoonist/Caricaturist, and Magician, all at the same time! It still amazes me to this day, that I was able to buy a couple of houses on my salaries from these vocations, but nonetheless, I'm still grateful. With the loss of the television programs, and several of my regular clients, it was as if the rug was pulled out from beneath me, and I was thrown off; normally I would have just substituted these clients for several others, but there was something about losing the TV-shows that threw me off; it was as if I had "lost my gimmick", so-to-speak, as I was the only local magician to have a TV-show, and also, I'm told, it was the world's longest, regularly-produced TV-show about magic in the world! So there was also a record there; but it still threw me for a loop, and desperately seeking a new gimmick, I wrote and recorded in 1994 my second album, "M'ystery", the follow-up to my 1990 self-titled album "Magic Mike" which sold out in Winnipeg. I recorded it and mixed it in 24 straight hours, no sleep, with dedicated friends and musicians who had stood by my side for 13 years. With this in hand and a van filled with my belongings, we made our way to Vancouver in September of 1994. My girlfriend and I at the time had paired down six rooms of furniture into a crammed mini-van along with our two cats, seeking our fame and fortune. In retrospect, I should have dealt with and healed the trauma of apparently losing so much, (the shows and clients) but I did not, and subsequently suffered for it, arriving in this sight-unseen, bright and shiny new town with a bad attitude consisting of anger, resentment, and defensiveness. I slowly healed myself, but then I was treated very poorly (with verbal abuse almost daily and threats of physical abuse) at a New Westminster market where I had set up my retail business. I was unaware of the unusually large amount of drug addicts and people suffering from mental illnesses who resided there. Knowing this helped me to keep some semblance of perspective and objectivity. A year or so later, I began to lose all of my family members who resided in Toronto and Montreal, including my dad and favorite aunt in 1995, and favorite uncles in 1996, followed by my mother and other family members a few years later. This all resulted in my redefining myself yet again, (I had to "adapt" numerous times before) but also to finding "the real me" for the first time. I began to turn inward once again for answers, and I've never looked back! What seemed like tragedy and loss eventually resulted in my growth into a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Doctor of Theocentric Psychology, International Author, and BlogTalk Radio Host/Producer. For awhile I was right "down in the trenches", helping to heal the local down-and-outers, while in reality I was also healing myself. Now 23 years later my "humanitarian work" is sincere, not just about myself hanging on for survival. Again, I'm grateful for this. If you want to learn more about myself as "Dr. Michael Likey", find me on Facebook and search me on Amazon. This book is all about Magic Mike Likey. In reference to that; part of my re-empowering myself and coming back to magic after a 10-year absence, (to study and get three Doctorates) I jokingly and semi-seriously said, "I AM Magic Mike"! This was after returning several years ago to Winnipeg for a couple of book-signings, ("The Science of the Soul") and having a close friend say to me, "Smile, your glow rubs off on people; you glow when you smile; you ARE Magic Mike!" I realized the "power" in that statement: the character of "Magic Mike" that I had created and brought to life on stage and on television brings light and sunshine to people's lives, through his corny jokes, wondrous magic, and music; it re-empowers others, so why not re-empower myself through the very character that I had created? Why not indeed! Thus, the title for this book was born, "I AM Magic Mike Likey!" to help to convey a little of the real magic in life that I've been able to experience, and hopefully to share with you to some degree. The various chapters in this book are in no particular chronological order, merely random musings of a mad magician! As a thought, idea, or remembrance came to me, I wrote them down. There is no rhyme nor reason to this book, outsiders will not likely get too much from it; Winnipeggers of "certain generations" most certainly will, and it's for you that I'm lovingly sharing my life as Magic Mike Likey! Purchase “I AM Magic Mike Likey! The Collector’s Edition” on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/AM-Magic-Mike-Likey-Collectors/dp/1539092550

[your-dietician]

Billie Eilish and the Pursuit of Happiness

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/entertainment/billie-eilish-and-the-pursuit-of-happiness/

Billie Eilish and the Pursuit of Happiness

210413_ROLLING_STONE_06_1486_v4-billie-opener – Credit: Yana Yatsuk for Rolling Stone

From the outside, the house isn’t terribly different from others on the block: a cozy bungalow in L.A.’s Highland Park neighborhood with an old lilac tree blooming near the entrance. In fact, it’s legendary: the place where a prodigal teenager and her older brother recorded the album that made Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell the queen of Gen-Z pop.

It’s a location familiar to any Eilish fan, and at first glance on an absurdly beautiful day in April, not much appears to have changed about the house in the couple of years since it became famous, along with its teenage occupant. The O’Connell family’s rescue dog, Pepper, trudges through the backyard, now joined by Eilish’s year-old rescue, Shark, a gray pit bull. Signs of home-schooling linger in common areas, like an old-fashioned pencil sharpener attached to the wall and dingy supplies precariously placed on a desk.

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But look closer, and plenty is different. For starters, contemporary pop’s most famous home studio, set up in the childhood bedroom of Billie’s brother Finneas, is no longer a studio. Instead, the siblings’ mom, Maggie Baird, has taken over the space. “It still looks similar. There’s just no equipment,” Billie insists as she greets me in her kitchen, gathering ingredients and utensils for the cookies she wants to bake. Her mom’s added a blue rug to the bedroom and sleeps there with their cat, Misha. “We kept [the studio] for a while, then we were like ‘We don’t need this,’ ” Eilish says.

Finneas moved out a couple of years ago, settling down in Los Feliz with his influencer girlfriend Claudia Sulewski. He constructed a new studio in his basement, where he and Eilish began recording music last year. Eilish is, at first, cagey about admitting that she’s moved out as well. “I’m secretive about what’s really going on,” she offers conspiratorially, rummaging around the cabinets of her parents’ kitchen like a college student visiting home on a long weekend. “It’s been a couple of years now where I’ve been doing my own thing. But secretly, because nobody needs to know that.”

Story continues

Eilish hasn’t been totally lying about where she lives; she still spends a lot of nights in her childhood bedroom. “I just love my parents, so I want to be around them,” she says, shrugging. Maggie and her husband, Patrick O’Connell, buzz in and out of the kitchen, commenting on the cookie baking and helping Eilish use the old oven. Eilish is sporting her new blond-bombshell look. A 180 from her formerly signature black-with-green-roots ’do, the new hair caused an uproar when she debuted it on Instagram in March. Today it’s damp from a shower, and she’s cozied up in a black T-shirt from her own merch store, along with a pair of matching sweats. On today’s menu are vegan, gluten-free peanut-butter-and-chocolate-chip cookies. She’s reading off an old recipe displayed on a food-stained printout that has clearly been well-utilized over the years. Eilish used to make them whenever she was sad. “It was a therapeutic thing for me,” she explains.

It’s been a while since she’s made the cookies (“You’re seeing history,” she teases). She’s found other ways to process her feelings, namely through writing her second album, Happier Than Ever, which is due out July 30th. The title is no fiction: She has, in fact, felt happier than she ever had before. But like a lot of things in her life, it’s not quite that simple.

“Almost none of the songs on this album are joyful,” Eilish explains, refuting the possibility that her second album is the bright, cheery counterpoint to 2019’s When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? The Babadook-inspired debut conjured up vivid memories of night terrors and lucid dreams over textures ranging from industrial electro-pop to jazzy ballads. Her videos were just as dark, full of spiders and black tears covering her face.

On the surface, Happier Than Ever is a different kind of nightmare. Emotional abuse, power struggles, and mistrust — stories drawn from Eilish’s life and the lives of people she knows — take up much of the lyrics, alongside musings on fame and fantasies of secret romantic rendezvous. The sound is mellowed out from the haunted-house sprawl of her debut: lush, somber, mesmerizing electronic soundscapes trickle down your spine, right along with Eilish’s words.

And yet, even on the darkest songs there are moments of reflection, growth and, most important, hope. This is an album from someone who began to heal long before she wrote it. Or at least tried to.

“Have you ever gotten stung on your head by a bee?”

Eilish mentions she got stung “like 20 times” on a camping trip when she was eight or nine. It’s a story she’s told before. “I don’t know why that popped into my head,” she says. “Why did that pop into my head? I have no idea.”

She posed the question after a bit of mesmerized silence as we watched Shark go to town on an empty can of peanut butter. Eilish doesn’t like silence; she even narrates the cookie baking like a food vlogger. She shows me how to make oat flour (“It’s literally oats on their own; pour them in this thing [a Vitamix blender], full power”) and figuring out the right chocolate chip to peanut-butter-dough ratio. (“Some people like too many. I like too little.”)

“I can’t go to the bathroom without watching something on my phone,” she says. “I can’t brush my teeth. I can’t wash my face.” Over the past year she rewatched a lot of things: Sherlock, The Office “probably like six times,” New Girl “like four times,” Jane the Virgin. There was also time for Good Girls, Killing Eve, The Flight Attendant, The Undoing, and Promising Young Woman “like four times.”

“It’s all on my phone,” she explains. She rarely watches anything on TV, except The Twilight Saga, which she took in for the first time recently, with a friend. “I just watch it while I do anything because it takes my mind off the reality of life. I should go on My Strange Addiction,” she says, coincidentally referencing her 2019 song of the same name (which, by the way, samples dialogue from The Office).

Eilish can’t really go outside anymore. There are paparazzi and creeps waiting for her every move, and some have threatened her safety to the point that she needed a restraining order against them. The instant recognizability of her When We All Fall Asleep-era look — bright-green hair, oversize clothes, saucer-like ocean eyes — helped keep her caged. She grew resentful: “I was a kid and I wanted to do kid shit. I didn’t want to be not able to fucking go to a store or the mall. I was very angry and not grateful about it.”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

When We All Fall Asleep and the image she projected at the time marked her uniqueness from the rest of the pop world. But those things also cemented a view of her she’d love to leave behind. I mention an instruction during a musical challenge on a recent season of RuPaul’s Drag Race where a competing drag queen was told the song she was performing was “very Billie Eilish.”

“What do they think when they think that? Do they think what the internet thinks, which is whispering or whatever the fuck people say? Anytime I see an impression on the internet, it just reminds me how little the internet knows about me. Like, I really don’t share shit. I have such a loud personality that makes people feel like they know everything about me and they literally don’t at all.” She wants people to understand a few things: “That I can sing. That I’m a woman. That I have a personality.” Happier Than Ever offers a statement on all of the above.

“Anytime I hear somebody say, ‘Oh, your songs sound the same,’ it gets me. That’s one thing I really try hard to not do. I think the people that say that have literally only heard ‘Bad Guy’ and ‘Therefore I Am.’ ” Both of those songs feature Eilish’s tendency for muted, moody sing-rapping. These days, she’s channeling the jazziness in her voice, a timbre honed from years of touring, on songs like “My Future” and “Your Power.”

Eilish’s privacy was more precious than she had initially realized. She put a lot of herself out for the world to consume early in her career, when she was an “annoying 16-year-old” (her words) trying to engage with her fandom the way she wanted her favorite artists like Justin Bieber to do back when she was a preteen fan. “It’s sad because I can’t give the fans everything they want,” she says. “The bigger I’ve gotten, the more I understand why [my favorite celebrities] couldn’t do all the things I wanted them to do.”

She struggles to find the right way to frame it. “It wouldn’t make sense to people who aren’t in this world. If I said what I was thinking right now, [the fans] would feel the same way I did when I was 11. They’d be like, ‘It would be so easy. You could just do it.’ No. It’s crazy the amount of things you don’t think about before it’s right in front of you.”

Eilish describes her life as “normal as hell,” and at times, it is. She’s watching Twilight. Going on first dates again, as discreetly as possible. Getting first tattoos (she got a giant black dragon on her right thigh in November and “Eilish,” in an ornate, gothic font, in the middle of her chest the day after the 2020 Grammys). “That’s why it’s hilarious when I see, like, ‘10 reasons why we think Billie -Eilish is in the illuminati,’ ” she says. “I’m like, you know how regular I am, dude?”

She wants to share more details with her fans, but the thought makes her nervous. The songs on Happier Than Ever are buzzing with the fear of “interviews, interviews, interviews,” of the names of abusers or toxic friends being forever tied to her, of her own words coming back to haunt her.

“I wish that I could tell the fans everything I think and feel and it wouldn’t live on the internet forever. And be spoken about and called problematic, or called whatever the fuck anybody wants to call any thoughts that a human has,” she explains. “The other sad thing is that they don’t actually know me. And I don’t really know them, but obviously we’re connected. The problem is you feel like you know somebody, but you don’t. And then it’s like, yeah. It’s just a lot.”

We move outside, to the sole picnic table in the yard, and enjoy the warm, crumbly peanut butter cookies. Shark finds a particularly bright patch of sunlight to lie in. Suddenly, he hops up and runs along the fence, in response to the barks of a neighbor’s dog that he desperately wants to befriend. Eilish is a bit jealous.

“Don’t you just wish that was you?”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“My mom was saying this yesterday,” Eilish says. “When you’re happier than ever, that doesn’t mean you’re the happiest that anyone’s ever been. It means you’re happier than you were before.”

After an adolescence plagued with depression, body dysmorphia, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, Eilish started feeling better in the summer of 2019, while on tour in Europe. It was shortly after the release of When We All Fall Asleep, and she was seeing a therapist, had just broken up with a boyfriend, and was joined on the road with one of her best friends (as well as, of course, her parents and brother). “I was thriving,” she says. “I felt exactly like who I was. Everything around me was exactly how it was supposed to be. I felt like I was getting better. I felt happier than ever. And I tried to continue that.”

Early 2020 was a whirlwind. Eilish swept the Big Four categories at the Grammys and started a headlining tour that would have eaten up most of her year. She was more excited than she had been for previous tours, which left her with sprained ankles, shin splints, and chronic pain. She played all of three dates before the pandemic forced her to cancel the rest.

Eilish kind of got to say goodbye to the When We All Fall Asleep era (and the look that helped make her famous) at the Grammys this year, performing the one-off single “Everything I Wanted” with Finneas. Happier Than Ever was nearly complete, but she wasn’t yet ready to show off her new blond look. So she hid it beneath a green-and-black wig. “It was weird,” she reflects. “I was playing this former Billie Eilish with green hair, singing a song from a year and a half prior, while I have 16 new songs that I haven’t put out yet. The fans didn’t really even know that it was a goodbye to an era. That’s kind of heartbreaking but endearing at the same time.”

Recorded as the world went on pause, Happier Than Ever was an opportunity to dig into her personal trauma. “I went through some crazy shit, and it really affected me and made me not want to go near anyone ever,” she says, though she declines to give details.

Like everything Eilish does, the lyrics are sure to spark debate, side-eye emojis, and conspiracy theories as people ponder who she’s singing about. The songs are a mosaic of experience, ripped from her own life and those of people she knows. They juggle deadbeats, secret lovers, emotional abusers. Eilish won’t name names or get into specifics, and she’s quick to remind that this is not just her life she’s talking about. But she also says the stories in the new songs are more honest than When We Fall Asleep, which she describes as “almost all fictional.”

Eilish says she’s letting go of the Old Billie, who would tuck away her own emotions to make others feel better. “There’ve been times where I’ve been really affected by somebody, and I said to them, ‘I need to tell you how you’ve made me feel.’ And they said something that was like, ‘I can’t handle this right now. I just can’t handle this right now. This is going to be too much for me.’ ”

She says she spent so long “being fucked with” and had to realize that while the toxic traits she sings about were often born out of pain, that doesn’t make it OK. “I was talking to a friend about their life, and they told me all this crazy traumatizing shit that happened to them. And I’m like, ‘Oh, right, you don’t have to treat everyone like a piece of garbage, just because you’ve been hurt.’ It’s OK to be traumatized by something and have bad instincts, but also, there’s no excuse for abusing people. There just is not. I feel like everything is excuses all the time. Excuses, excuses.”

Album opener “Getting Older” was particularly harrowing to write. “Wasn’t my decision to be abused,” she sings over a delicately plucking synth beat. By the end, she lays bare what’s on her mind. “I’ve had some trauma/Did things I didn’t wanna/Was too afraid to tell ya/But now I think it’s time.” Eilish recognizes how shocked listeners may be by the rawness of the song. “I had to take a break in the middle of writing that one, and I wanted to cry, because it was so revealing. And it’s just the truth.”

The title track, which starts like a mopey breakup song, then fires off into an electric-guitar-driven rager, was the first thing she started writing for the album, back on the European tour where she felt like she was thriving. The rest of the songs bare different kinds of catharsis, teetering between sexy, electronic beats and warm folkiness, reminiscent of her earliest music. Each song is delicate, sensuous, and balancing naked vulnerability with a bit of self-protective confidence posturing.

Writing about her deepest emotions wasn’t easy for someone who had painstakingly kept the details of her relationships under lock and key. “I’ve been in two [relationships],” she says. “I’ve experienced a lot in what I have done. But I’ve never been in something really real and normal.” The news cycle and fan response to her Apple TV documentary, The World’s a Little Blurry, earlier this year cemented her decision not to name names or get specific about details in the new songs. People are like “ ‘Well, you’re an artist, so when you put something out there like that, you can’t expect people to not dive into it more.’ Yes I can,” she says. “You should absolutely respect me giving you this much information and saying, ‘This is all you get.’ The rest is for my own brain.”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

The most the world has gotten to see of Eilish’s romantic life was in The World’s a Little Blurry, which spanned from the final weeks of recording When We All Fall Asleep in late 2018 through the 2020 Grammy Awards. Eilish wasn’t necessarily psyched for it to come out. “I don’t like to share that part of my life, and I was not planning on sharing that part of my life ever,” she says.

Her ex, Brandon Adams, an artist who performs under the name 7:AMP, played a pivotal role in the film. The World’s a Little Blurry showcases a painful give-and-take between Eilish and Adams, who was then in his twenties. In the aftermath of the documentary, fans went after Adams and his family on social media.

Many have assumed Eilish’s chilling single “Your Power,” which mentions a relationship between a teen girl and an older man, is about Adams. Eilish — who released the song in late April, along with a statement saying, in part, “this is about many different situations that we’ve all either witnessed or experience” — strongly objects to this notion. “Everybody needs to shut up,” she says. The documentary, she insists, “was a microscopic, tiny, tiny little bit of that relationship. Nobody knows about any of that, at all. I just wish people could just stop and see things and not have to say things all the time.”

Eilish describes herself as “clingy,” but since she and Adams broke up in 2019, she’s spent the past two years trying to learn how to exist on her own. “I didn’t know how before,” she explains, “which is ironic because I had never been in a relationship that allowed me to really exist with that person anyway. My emotion always is because of somebody else’s, and that had been such a big pain in the ass.”

She’s still trying to grow out of that. “You heal eventually.”

Eilish and I actually weren’t supposed to meet at her parents’ house. She wanted me to see where she recorded Happier Than Ever, in Finneas’ basement studio. But a pipe burst, nearly destroying the space. “The room had to be completely rebuilt,” he explains later over Zoom. “But my hard drives, synthesizers, and guitars and stuff were all fine. I feel very lucky for that.”

Eilish speaks with relief at how much less draining the recording process for Happier Than Ever was compared with her debut. It was partially due to some peak-mom advice from Maggie early in the pandemic. After nearly a month of lockdown, Maggie suggested that her kids get on a weekly schedule. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, Eilish would drive her matte-black Dodge Challenger over to Finneas’ house. Some days they would write songs. Other days they’d play Animal Crossing or Beat Saber. Every day they would eat good meals: “A lot of Taco Bell, homemade pizza, taro boba, Thai food,” Eilish lists. “Crossroads and Little Pine. Nic’s once. Fatburger once. It was such a reward.”

In The World’s a Little Blurry, the teen’s misery is palpable as she finishes When We All Fall Asleep. Eilish and Finneas had been largely left to their own devices, but pressure still loomed from the label. There were deadlines (the album was due right around her 17th birthday), constant meetings, and an expectation that a star was about to be born, thanks to a couple of years of growing buzz. “I hated every second of it,” she admits. “I hated writing. I hated recording. I literally hated it. I would’ve done anything else. I remember thinking there’s no way I’m making another album after this. Absolutely not.”

This time, there was no pressure. No notes from the label. No meetings. No rush to meet deadlines. “No one has a say anymore,” Billie says. “It’s literally me and Finneas and no one else.” On April 3rd, 2020, the first day of their new weekly work schedule, they wrote “My Future.” Within a couple of months, they realized that they were making an album.

She pulls out a clear acrylic sign holder with the track list written in marker, songs clearly erased and moved around. “I think I’m going to frame this,” she says, smiling. There are some water stains on it, since it got drizzled on when Finneas’ studio flooded.

The 16 songs on the album are the only 16 they worked on. The pair are completists: Once they start a song, they have to see it through with meticulous precision until it’s perfect to them. The way the album sounds is a testament to that, each song a unique, avant-pop soundscape that elevates the baroque trip-hop-ness of her debut.

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“I admire artists that can make, like, three songs in a day and keep doing that over and over,” Eilish muses. She compares songwriting to running, in that it would be “fucking exhausting” to do all the time. “Songwriting is like that for me. I’m pretty good at it, but it takes a lot out of me. I feel like I just ran a marathon whenever I write a song.”

Finneas saw the change in his sister this time around. She liked writing songs, feeling less tortured by the process than before. “It’s been awesome as a big brother to see her become more confident and feel more ownership and just to be more excited than I’ve ever seen her about the music that we’re making,” he says. “I also just think she has objectively gotten even better. That’s my opinion. If she were an Olympic gymnast or something, she would’ve gotten better. She’d be able to do a higher vault or something.”

Since “Bad Guy,” Finneas has become one of pop’s most in-demand producers, working with everyone from Tove Lo to Selena Gomez. He also has his own solo career that’s taken off, though the studio flood came at the worst time possible for it, as he was working on his debut album. Eilish has found Finneas’ career outside of being her creative partner to be “fucking great” and easy for them to adjust to. “It doesn’t interfere at all, and it’s fun for him,” she says. “He only does what he wants to do. He’s not a slave to it.”

“I scratch a lot of itches working with Billie,” Finneas continues. “I think my primary goal was to just go deeper. This was Billie’s sophomore album, you just . . . you have the opportunity to go further inward and further down in your Mariana’s Trench.”

Finneas says that their process is “50-50” creatively, and he speaks proudly about the gated tremolo and distortion that elevate songs like “Oxytocin” and “NDA,” two tracks that look at romance and hookups through the lens of a very famous person attempting to have both under the radar.

“Billie Bossa Nova” takes that theme one step further, building a fantasy around the life of a touring pop star. “We have to do a lot of goofy bullshit when we go on tour, where we enter through freight elevators in hotels and stuff, so that paparazzi doesn’t follow us to our room,” he explains.

“And so we acted as if there was also a secret love affair going on in there of Billie being like, ‘Nobody saw me in the lobby/Nobody saw me in your arms,’ as if there was a mystery person in her life during all of that.”

“I write songs with my brother, and we kind of have to plug our ears when we’re writing about desire for other people because we’re fucking siblings,” Eilish says later. Songs like “Oxytocin,” named for the hormone released in the bloodstream due to love or childbirth, has her wondering “What would people say . . . if they listen through the wall?” over a slinky beat. The folky “Male Fantasy” features her distracting herself with pornography, then meditating on the effect porn has on men.

“The thing is, we’re very open about both of our lives, so it’s not weird, really,” she continues. “It’s just fun. It’s songwriting and it’s storytelling. We just have to think about the art of it and not think too hard about [the lyrics].”

As 50-50 as they are, Finneas drives home the fact that everything is under Eilish’s name for a reason. “In many instances we’ve been asked about our relationship as a duo when it’s billed as a solo artist,” Finneas says. “It’s her life. It’s all her world. I’m helping her articulate that, but it’s really her experiences that she lived through, and on this album she let me into it a lot. But I don’t know what that’s like to go through.”

He quotes his friend, the singer-songwriter Bishop Briggs, who says writing is how she copes with everything. Finneas agrees. “Billie making this album was her working through a lot of this stuff.”

When Eilish releases a new song, she can’t listen to it again. It disappears into the universe, only to be heard by its maker if she happens to catch it as it’s played on radio every hour on the hour. “It’s not because I don’t like it anymore,” she explains. Happier Than Ever has become Eilish’s favorite album in the world, but she’s already mourning the loss of it, months before it even comes out. As we talk, it’s a couple of weeks before the first single is even public knowledge.

“I don’t know how to explain this, but all the songs on the album feel like a specific time, because they feel like when I wrote them and made them,” she explains. “It’s so funny that to the rest of the world it’s going to feel like a certain moment for them, and it’s going to be so different than mine. That’s such a weird, weird thing to wrap my head around. And I will fucking love it. I love it. That’s the reason you do this. It’s for that.”

When Eilish and I speak one last time, “Your Power” has been out for a few days. It spurred reflective conversations online, with many women sharing their own experiences with sexual or emotional abuse. The lyrics about an older partner taking advantage of a younger woman struck a particular chord, and Eilish herself is still processing that reaction.

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“I feel like people actually really, really listened to the lyrics,” she says, flopping around her room in an oversize Powerpuff Girls shirt. “I was scared for it to come out because it’s my favorite song I’ve ever written. I felt the world didn’t deserve it.”

She broke her own Instagram “like” record that weekend as well: Her shoot for British Vogue showed her in more revealing clothes than she had ever been pictured in, channeling Forties boudoir shoots. The images were a topic of internet obsession for days: Was it a betrayal of her more “modest”-seeming fashion before? Did she make the decision herself? But it’s not like her body hadn’t been up for debate even when it was clothed: Her baggy outerwear was used to shame her peers, and she was subjected to belittling, fatphobic assumptions from the too-curious. “I saw a picture of me on the cover of Vogue [from] a couple of years ago with big, huge oversize clothes [next to] the picture of [the latest Vogue]. Then the caption was like, ‘That’s called growth.’ I understand where they’re coming from, but at the same time, I’m like, ‘No, that’s not OK. I’m not this now, and I didn’t need to grow from that.’ ”

Like her fashion experiments, Happier Than Ever is not about resetting who Billie Eilish even is. It’s about expanding the definition and range. But like she feared, she stopped listening to “Your Power” after it came out. “I don’t know. Something changes,” she says, still confused by her own habit.

The song has already taken on a life of its own, so she doesn’t have many expectations for how people will react to the rest of the as-yet-unheard songs. She’d like to make a visual for each track, and plans to embark on a world tour at some point.

She has one other wish for her new music. “I hope people break up with their boyfriends because of it,” she says, with only the slightest tinge of humor. “And I hope they don’t get taken advantage of.”

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[typing-shit-helps]

I blame a lot of my internal issues with relationships on the fact that I didn’t date until sophomore year of college.

Before college, I was super into sports and my grades. I had a social life but never had any confidence to go after anyone to date. I liked the same boy from 6th-9th grade then moved and had the same crush on another boy from 10th-12th grade. I’m a loyal bitch, that’s for sure.

Freshman year of college I was just pumped at the whole new pool of people I could meet. I used a fake northern accent because I thought it was hilarious and thought it’d make me memorable... it didn’t. I was fucking annoying. I had my first encounter with a boy who’d slid into my DMs on twitter and asked me to his fraternity’s camp out event. I’d never had any boy show any interest in me so of course I went but had my guard up. He tried to get me drunk (little did he know I can hold my liquor) when I was tired, I got into our tent and he started touching me and attempted to take my pants off. When I asked him what he was doing he responded with “this is what you came here for” I said “no it’s not” and I punched him in the dick. I didn’t want to be a statistic. A lot of freshmen girls lose their virginity at these camp outs and no thanks.

Had a huge wall up until I met my first “real” boyfriend. I still think about him sometimes. It wasn’t a very long relationship. We were better as friends but if I could redo that relationship now, I think it’d be a pretty great thing. I had no confidence in myself with him. None whatsoever. I didn’t know what to do in a relationship and I was 20 years old. I felt so bad that I couldn’t give him what I thought he wanted because of my low self esteem I distanced myself and told him we are better as friends. We tried again about a year later and i still had no confidence in myself. He now lives in Texas and is living his dream with a girl who seems to make him happy. Truly happy for him. He did nothing wrong. That was all me.

I had “talked” to a few guys between that relationship. Everyone of them ended in me being ghosted. Which is a great feeling.

I met my first “love” at 23. We were like the same person. We got each other and it was great. About 5 months in, he took a job in Minnesota. Which was great at first. We did long distance, I visited when I could and I even made plans to move up there to finish my masters degree. He became super distant at around our 1 year mark. I had found out that no one knew that we had been dating for a year. He hadn’t told his family or friends so I was a huge secret. Which made me think that I’m not worthy of being someone’s anything. I had given this man everything of me. I rearranged my life for someone that didn’t make me a priority enough to share my existence with people he was closest to. He had struggled with depression and alcoholism before he met me but once he was “alone” in the cold he fell back into that and pushed me away. Lied to me for over a year about our future plans, he made me believe that we had something but it was all a lie.

We stopped all communication until about a year to the day we had broken things off. He texted me and apologized because truly I was the best friend he could ever ask for. And you’re damn right I was. I’m a great ass person who gives their all to everyone they hold close to them. He wasn’t getting off that easy though. I knew we weren’t going to date again but it was nice to have him as a friend since we are so alike. We talk every now and then just to check in. He has a live in girlfriend of 8 months and they even got a cat together. Which like good for them but I want that. Not with him, just in general.

Between first “love” and today I’ve “talked” to a few guys. Kind of became a hoe hoe because I realized how much I liked sex after we had broken up. They all ended in “we are just better as friends” which is so fucking frustrating.

I was with this one guy for 3 months. He asked me to be his girlfriend like 3 weeks in which I thought was weird but whatever we were hanging out every other day, screwing like rabbits, why not put a label on it? I took his virginity, he was very nice, wanted to spend time with me and wanted to know about my life. I noticed that he was feeling down and distant in November of 2019 so I asked him about it. He then goes on to day he’s been lying for the last month about what he’s been doing. He hasn’t been going to work when he says he is, which like whatever, just tell me. He also has been lying about where he is when we are supposed to hang out. Being lied to is my biggest pet peeve. It doesn’t take a lot to be fucking honest. But he then goes on to basically say “it’s not you it’s me” I say okay But I was worried because he was feeling depressed and it’s the same shit I went through with first love so I wanted to be a friend. The entire time I’m checking in weekly making sure he’s okay, once again, doing more for someone who is giving me nothing. He asks me in January about possibly becoming FWB. Which at this point I don’t think is a good idea because you’re still getting through something and idk what it is and I don’t want to damage your growth. I look on Facebook and 2 days after he had asked me that, he is in a relationship with someone I thought was my friend. I messaged her something along the lines of “congrats but I just want to let you know he wasn’t ready for a relationship in November and asked me to be FWB with him like 2 days ago, just be careful. You deserve more” or whatever. She then goes and blocks me! I haven’t heard shit from her since. I then went slap tf off on this boy for 1 lying to me about him talking to someone and 2 telling me it wasn’t my fault when it clearly was. They both blocked me and apparently they’re still dating according to my fake Facebook. Which like good for you, glad you could find someone that can handle your fuck shit.

Now this brings me to today. I had a life changing surgery in May. I was talking to a guy that had the same in December since a little before my surgery and things were decent. We have the same interests for the most part and he’s pretty nice. It being Covid season and my healing process we weren’t able to really hangout. A few weeks ago I was finally feeling up to a first date thing aaaand he canceled. He was exposed to covid and had to quarantine. I have those receipts, all facts. He met me and bought me shrimp but we stayed in our cars. Super sweet. Then his quarantine goes by, we plan another “date”. He cancels. This time he gives me this whole story about how he has to pick up his cousins kids from a situation, blah blah, pulling at my heart strings because he knows good and damn well I have a soft spot for kids. Totally understandable, just let me know when you get home. Texts me when he gets home, great. The next day he’s like “just got done dropping the kids off, be home in about 45 minutes “ which was weird because I had just looked at snap maps (not to stalk him but to look in general) and he was at home 7 minutes before he sent that text. I screenshot it so I could have proof. So I asked him why his snap location showed him at home and he gave me some shut about him being 45 minutes away and I was like huh, snap maps are pretty accurate and constantly update so you’re being sketchy my dude. Then he turns it on me to make me feel crazy for even thinking he would lie about that and for checking in on him through his location. And he’s like I’m going to need a bit to think it over. Think what over bitch? The fact that you were caught in a lie!? Like he made me feel so crazy and insane for even thinking he would lie but then I realized, that’s gaslighting and I do not have the time for a human that does that shit. He still hasn’t texted me back but even if he does.... I deserve better and sorry dude, I know my worth and you’re not it chief.

So now I will continue to type here as I think through my personal feelings and hopefully one day I will find someone who gives the same as I put in and we can be happy. Until then, we just on here because typing shit helps.

[pussymagicuniverse]

7 Goddesses of the Underworld

Samhain, otherwise known as Halloween, is the time of year when the veil between the dead and living is thinnest. It’s a day where shadows run free, unbound by the earthy demands of death and decay. For the practicing witch, Samhain provides an opportunity to connect with ancestors who’ve passed and goddesses that bring blessings, clarity, or visions.  

I love working with and channeling mythological divinities; each goddess offers unique guidance rooted within the context of her becoming. In my quest to search for entities connected with the spirit of Samhain, I discovered that goddesses of death often rule over matters of life as well. Their wisdom acknowledges the necessity of dying in order to be reborn and their powers to destroy are coupled with an ability to create.  

Whether you’re simply curious about goddesses or invested in seeking their guidance, here are 7 goddesses connected to death, funerals, and the afterlife.

Hel

Sharing the same name as the underworld dominion she rules over, Hel is the Norse goddess of the dead. In Poetic Edda, a 13th-century text that compiles traditional sources of Norse mythology, she’s represented multiple times as greedy, harsh, and cruel. Her shallow personality is in part due to her minor role in Old Norse literature. Hel’s status as a goddess or simply a powerful literary metaphor is contested, but scholars seem to agree that her legacy involves judging the unfortunate souls who belong to her realm of the underworld.

Nephthys

In Egyptian mythology, Nephthys is one of the nine gods and goddesses of ancient Egypt known as the Ennead of Helipolis. While she performed many important duties, she’s most known as the goddess of darkness and decay. She is closely associated with funeral rites, grieving families, protection, and birth. Along with her sister Isis, she helped find the scattered pieces of Osiris, Isis' husband, after her husband Set killed him. Her role in this legend lent her the title of goddess of divine assistance.

Kali

Kali is the Hindu goddess of death, time, and anything related to doomsday-like circumstances. Her name is Sanskrit for "She Who is Black" or "She Who is Death," lending her the reputation for being fierce, violent, and destructive. Her origin story has numerous variations, one claiming that she erupted from the forehead of the warrior goddess Durga in order to kill demons. While commonly associated with death and destruction, she's also an embodiment of the divine mother and creation.

Mictēcacihuātl

Mictēcacihuātl is the Aztec queen of the underworld, known as Mictlān, and rules the afterlife alongside her husband Mictlāntēcutli. Her name translates to Lady of the Dead, and her specific role was to protect the bones of the deceased and watch over the festivals of the dead celebrated by the living. Mesoamerican culture saw the afterlife as a long journey that spanned nine layers and four years. The Mexican tradition of Día de los Muertos is rooted in the festivals that Mictēcacihuātl watched over.

Oya

Oya is worshipped by the Yoruba people in West Africa, the Americas, and Brazil. Primarily known as the goddess of the wind, storms, and destruction, she’s also the guardian and protector of the path between life and death. Oya is a force to be reckoned with, capable of harnessing the destructive power of weather to clear out the old and usher in the new. She’s believed to use a machete to cut away decaying wood or an obstructed path. Her powers of clairvoyance and rebirth are called upon by women who need her strength to change and grow.

The Morrígan

The Morrígan is a Celtic goddess of war, death, and the ownership of land. Her legacy is shrouded by varying interpretations throughout time and is sometimes portrayed as a single goddess or a trio of goddesses. In mythological stories, she appears as a crow to foretell the fate of warriors in battle. She also visited the dreams of soldiers who were going to die, transmuting the message by washing their bloody armor. In addition to a crow, she’s also known to take the form of a cow or wolf, revealing a possible association with land and growth.

Meng Po

Sometimes referred to as Lady Meng, which means “dream,” Meng Po resides in Diya, the realm of the dead in Chinese mythology. Her job is to gather herbs from bodies of water to brew her Five Flavored Tea of Forgetfulness. Before souls leave Diya in order to be reincarnated, they drink Meng Po’s elixir to instantly and permanently wipe their memory of their previous lives. The soul is then sent back to Earth to repeat another cycle with no recollection of their karmic debts or wisdom.

Cassidy Scanlon is a Capricorn poet and witch who uses her artistic gifts as a channel for healing herself and others. She writes poetry and CNF about mental health, astrology, queer love, pop culture representation, and how social structures shape our perceptions of history and mythology. When she’s not writing, she can be found petting the local stray cats, exploring the swamps of Florida, reading 5 books at a time, and unwinding with her Leo girlfriend. 

You can visit her astrology blog Mercurial Musings and explore more of her publications on her website. 

[sarahburness]

The Invisible Effects of Social Media: When It’s Time to Stop Scrolling

“What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

Is there a more precious commodity than time? It’s the currency of life; the most basic finite resource, and we have a responsibility to spend it wisely. It’s up to us each individually to figure out what that means to us. For me, that means being mindful of the people, activities, and thoughts to which I give my time and energy.

I am an obsessive reader, and at any one time I have at least fifteen books checked out of the library. I tell myself that I will not check out any more books until I have finished reading the ones I’ve already borrowed, but I never listen and I’m glad for it, because reading is one of the wisest and most enjoyable ways I can spend my time.

I try to be cognizant of what grows my spirit and what shrinks it, and I aim to use my time accordingly.

But this is hardly an easy task, especially with the constant lure of technology and smartphones. Unlike with books, the escape these devices offer can quickly lead me down a rabbit hole of anxiety where I feel my inspiration leaking away and self-doubt taking its place.

Whether this is because I am feeling guilty for wasting so much time, tired from staring at an electronic screen so long, or because I am negatively comparing myself to other people, I know that my time can be put to better use.

I often end these technology binges with a nagging sense of emptiness and, despite the vast array of connection offered by technology, a vague feeling of disconnection as well. I don’t want to scroll my day away, yet sometimes feel compelled to do it.

We all have a basic need to belong, and social media’s popularity can be boiled down to its ability to tap into that need. However, it’s important to keep in mind that the complexities and imperfections of real life are often glossed over or edited out entirely. To compare your real life to someone else’s crafted digital persona is unfair and unrealistic, and it sets you up for disappointment.

Social media can also taunt us by bombarding us with the adventures of people better left in our past.

I did not fully appreciate this hurtful effect until my social media usage worsened a recent experience of heartbreak. Like a bullet in the back, my screen suddenly and completely filled with him. And not just him, but his new girlfriend too.

It wasn’t long before the photo left the confines of the screen and filled my room and my mind; my entire world became consumed with memories of when he held me that way and the accompanying feelings of sorrow, loss, anger, and jealousy.

I thought strength meant I should not be affected by something as silly and trivial as Facebook or Instagram, but no matter how much I don’t want to be affected, the truth is that I am. And the effect social media can have on our feelings of self-worth is not trivial.

Only when I accepted this did I begin to move toward easing the pain of heartbreak. The first step was using my time not for social media obsession, but for reflective writing and poetry, which are activities that provide me with real, sustainable healing.

When I do use social media, I make sure my feed is filled with posts that I enjoy seeing and that help me grow rather than make me feel smaller. And I share posts that are an expression of my inner feelings or at least can make someone laugh.

I have also made a commitment to be present with myself and my emotions, without judgment, instead of using social media to distract myself from my feelings. This mindful practice, though difficult, is worth the effort because it allows me to strengthen my ability to treat emotions as valid but fleeting, rather than being in resistance or letting them consume me.

Heartbreak and pain are part of the human experience. It helps to remind myself that I am not alone and to reach out to loved ones—offline—and let myself be vulnerable enough to express what I’m going through. For me, too much social media actually dampens my sense of connection to others because I tend to retreat when I start believing my life is not as exciting or meaningful as other people’s.

I’ve learned to limit the time I spend fueling insecurity with social media and to fill that time either with mindful scrolling or something else entirely. I keep in mind that this technology is the new terrain on the landscape of communications, and it can be a fantastic and fun tool if I navigate and utilize it responsibly.

This article is most likely reaching you via a social media channel, and I am thankful for the opportunity this provides for sharing work that elevates our awareness and consciousness. Because of social media, I have increased my exposure to websites and channels such as Tiny Buddha that facilitate personal growth, but I’ve had to learn to become more mindful of when it’s okay to unwind online and when it’s harmful.

Sometimes I need a break, and watching a video of cats that are afraid of cucumbers or hopping from one newsfeed to the next can be a good stress reliever. I also find that pausing occasionally during creative activities gives ideas the necessary time to simmer below the surface until they are ready to come to light, and social media can be a good way to give my mind a break.

I know I need to stop scrolling when I feel a shift in my emotions; when the lighthearted fun of connecting virtually and the joy of sharing my creative work with people all over the world becomes a self-imposed prison of mindlessness. I don’t want to allow my precious time to tick away in a stream of posts and updates. When I feel this shift, I know it is best to turn off my device, take a few deep breaths, and turn my attention and time to something more enriching.

I also began realizing that it is more beneficial to be present with my surroundings rather than tuning out into a digital world during every available moment. On walks, commutes, and at the dinner table I enjoy being fully present with the people and things around me, as well as my own sensations and feelings.

These small moments of togetherness and solitude are fertile with opportunity for self-reflection, presence, and connection, but only if I resist the temptation to compulsively check my smartphone.

The key here is to become aware of how often we reach for our phones so we can examine how we spend our time and whether we can put some of that time to better use.

I have caught myself multiple times at the beginning of an unproductive scrolling session and made the intention to put my phone down after ten minutes so I don’t get too lost in a cycle of posts and updates. And on other days I could use a good cat vs. cucumber video, and that’s okay too; it’s all about balance and awareness.

Social media can be a good thing when we use it responsibly. Whether we are scrolling, sipping a cup of tea, or having a conversation, cultivating mindful presence can only enrich our experiences. This, I believe, is how we can wisely utilize the small amount of time we are afforded.

When I dip into moments of deep, full presence, the only response that springs forth is gratitude, and I can think of no better way to spend my time than in a state of appreciation.

About Jacqueline Handman

Jacqueline is a native New Yorker, graduate of Hunter College, and a passionate writer who enjoys using the creative process as a means of self-expression, self-reflection, and occasionally self-mockery (a good laugh can do wonders for the soul). She hopes to help others in their own journeys of enlightenment and personal growth. Visit her at Whispers That Echo and on Medium and Instagram.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-invisible-effects-of-social-media-when-its-time-to-stop-scrolling/

[wlwfiend]

oc questions

Red - What makes you angry?

               Mallory – People who are purposefully mean just for the sake of it, and people who are rude to animals. Also, being interrupted when I’m in the middle of something.

               Emily – Everything.

               Lola – I feel angry when I think about my past. I’m not angry at anyone other than myself for screwing up what could’ve been a perfect life. I also really can’t stand it when others tell me to just get over it. If I could’ve ‘gotten over it’ by now, I would.

Maroon - What are you most passionate about?

               Mallory – Reading and art!

               Emily – I’m not really passionate about anything. Maybe psychology, but it’s not like I’d ever be able to pursue that passion.

               Lola – Food, definitely, but I also am very passionate about having a positive impact on the world.

Ruby - Would you consider yourself impulsive or reckless?

               Mallory – I can be. I really should be more like Lola in that regard…

               Emily – Yes. If I wasn’t so impulsive, maybe I’d be better by now.

               Lola – Not really. I think before I do.

Brick - What are some things you dislike?

               Mallory – Public speaking, being ignored, and my depression, to name a few.

               Emily – Ensure. Fuck those stupid drinks.

               Lola – My eating disorder, horror movies, hot weather, and the state of our country.

Rose - Would you consider yourself a romantic person?

               Mallory – Yes! I dream about love a lot. I really hope I can find a girlfriend one day!

               Emily – No. No, no, no, no.

               Lola – Hmm, maybe. I haven’t been in a relationship since I was fourteen, but perhaps if I was in a relationship today I would be romantic. I just can’t see myself loving anyone until I’m able to love myself.

 Redwood - How tall are you?

               Mallory – 5’5. It’s funny because I’m younger than Emily but so much taller than her! It’s kind of cute, though.

               Emily – 5’1. My growth was stunted. Also, fuck Lola and Mallory for making fun of my height.

               Lola – 5’8. Sometimes I’m scared that I’ll step on Emily.

Wine - What is your opinion on alcohol? (and does it exist in your world?)

               Mallory – I don’t think I’ll ever drink. It really messed up Emily…

               Emily – I’m a drunkorexic, what do you think I’m going to say?

               Lola – I have no interest in drinking. I never saw the appeal.

Orange - What are some of your comfort foods?

               Mallory – Pancakes. I miss being able to eat them.

               Emily – Food is the opposite of comforting to me.

               Lola – Ice cream is my ultimate comfort food because it tastes good and isn’t a pain to purge. Before my ED, it was burgers.

Spice - Do you like to cook? Do you cook often?

               Mallory – I can’t cook for the life of me.

               Emily – No.

               Lola – Yes, I love to cook. I make food for me Mallory all the time – I know it’s comforting to her to have food made by someone she knows so I can tell her the exact contents. I wish I could cook for Emily, but she’s scared I’m lying to her about the calorie content.

Peach - Are you generally a gentler and soft-spoken person or a louder and rougher person?

               Mallory – Soft-spoken. I don’t like talking very much.

               Emily – I’m not loud, but I can be aggressive. (Emily can be very loud and aggressive, especially when someone tries to help her. I mean, the first time Mallory saw Emily was when Em was screaming at a nurse.)

               Lola – I’m in the middle, I think, but I lean more towards soft spoken.

Honey - Have you ever considered marrying someone? What is your opinion on marriage in general?

               Mallory – I would love to get married – It’s one of my main motivations to get better.

               Emily – I don’t think I’ll ever get married or fall in love. Love is bullshit.

               Lola – I’m afraid of commitment.  

Sandstone - Who in your life has been the most healing for you?

               Mallory – Emily and Lola, definitely. They’re the first friends I’ve ever had, and they’re so understanding and sweet to me… I don’t know what I would do without them.

               Emily - …Tristian.  

               Lola – It sounds silly, but my dog. He makes me so happy.

Yellow - Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

               Mallory – I’m not sure… A pessimist, I guess.

               Emily – What do you think? I’m a pessimist. I think anyone who’s as fucking depressed as me is. Except maybe Lola, but she’s weird.

               Lola – I try to be optimistic, but it’s hard.

Safety - What is the most traumatic experience in your life?

               Mallory – (Spoiler for her story lol)

               Emily – (She doesn’t like to talk about it, but it’s when she was sexually assaulted.)

               Lola – I’m lucky that I haven’t gone through anything too traumatic. I feel so awful for Emily, though - she’s so young and she’s been through hell.

Sunshine - Are you a more active or lazy person?

               Mallory – I’m not active.

               Emily – I used to be… now I’m too exhausted to do anything.

               Lola – I’m an obsessive exerciser. I played sports constantly when I was younger, and now I exercise as another way of purging. So, I’m pretty active.

Blue - Are you a creative person? How do you like to be creative?

               Mallory – I would say I am! I love to draw and write, but I’m not a very good writer…

               Emily – No.

               Lola – I like to paint sometimes, but I’m not that great at it. Definitely not as good as Mallory.

Sky - What is your favorite time of the day?

               Mallory – I like the early morning.

               Emily – Night.

               Lola – The evening is always nice.

Denim - What is your fashion style?

               Mallory – I wear a lot of dark and oversized clothes. Maybe if I didn’t hate my body I’d wear more color, but…

               Emily – I only wear leggings and t-shirts.

               Lola – I love winter-y fashion, and a lot of neutral colors. I mostly wear brown and beige sweaters along with overall dresses.

Teal - What makes you feel most at peace?

               Mallory – Being alone in my room, reading. Bonus points if I have candles lit.

               Emily - …I haven’t felt at peace in a long time.

               Lola – Going on long walks with my dog.

Turquoise - Are you good at communicating your feelings?  

               Mallory – I’m getting better at it!

               Emily – Not in a good way. I either bottle things up or I have full on breakdowns and angry fits.

               Lola – I think so.

Violet - What is your ideal date?

               Mallory – I would love to go to an art gallery with my future girlfriend…

               Emily – I’ve said it before. Love. Is. Bullshit. (Shut up you emo cunt, we all know you want to take Mallory to an art gallery and kiss her in the garden)

               Lola – Going on a boat ride together and then going home to cuddle and watch movies.

Eggplant - What’s the weirdest thing you’ve eaten?

               Mallory – I ate toothpaste once to try and lose my appetite…

               Emily – Cotton balls. (Yes, she was one of those people)

               Lola – I’ve eaten out of a garbage bin before, if that counts.

Amethyst- What is your aesthetic?

               Mallory – Cozy bedrooms, fairy lights, plants, and cats.

               Emily – I like the emo kid aesthetic.

               Lola – Warm colors, coffee, chilly weather, and tidy spaces.

Mauve - What makes you feel nostalgic?

               Mallory – Vanilla candles, autumn colors, and the smell of old books.

               Emily – Nothing.

               Lola – Green grass, playgrounds, skinned knees, early 2000’s pop music.

Blush - Do you have a crush on anyone? If so, who is it?

               Mallory – Umm… Emily is, um… cute…

               Emily – No one. (It’s Mallory.)

               Lola – Not right now.

Carnation - Are you comfortable with PDA?

               Mallory – If it’s gay.

               Emily – No.

               Lola – I don’t mind it.

White - Do you consider yourself a good person? What’s the best thing you’ve ever done for somebody?

               Mallory – I think I’m good, but I don’t know what the best thing I’ve ever done for someone is. Emily told me that I helped her a lot, though…

               Emily – No. I’m not. I’m rude and selfish.

               Lola – Yes. I think the best thing I’ve done is (spoiler!) convinced Mallory not to kill herself. I’m so glad she texted me.

Lace - What would you name your child if you were to have one?

               Mallory – Lucia, after the first cat I became close with.

               Emily – One, I’m infertile. Two, I don’t want kids. Three, I won’t even live long enough to have kids.

               Lola – I’ve always liked the name Jasmine.

Porcelain - Do you consider yourself a delicate person? Do you fall apart easily?

               Mallory – Yes, very.

               Emily – If I was delicate, I would be dead by now.

               Lola – Not really.

Ghost- Are you easily scared? What scares you the most?

               Mallory – Loud noises, crowds, gaining weight…

               Emily – Spiders. Being taken advantage of. Needles.

               Lola – I’m afraid of snakes, dark places, drowning, and being forgotten.

Alabaster - What is the most recognizable thing about you? What are people most likely to notice about you when they first meet you?

               Mallory – I think it’s how pale I am…

               Emily – My scars.

               Lola – People always tell me that I’m beautiful and that I stand out in a crowd. I wish I could believe it.

Buff - Would you consider yourself to be fit, fat, or skinny?

               Mallory – Fat.

               Emily – I know I’m underweight, I know I look like a corpse – but I still feel fat.

               Lola – I’m kind of fit? But, like, chubby fit.

Brown- Where do you call home?

               Mallory – My room and the park by my neighborhood.

               Emily – I don’t have a home.

               Lola – My house is my home. I feel safe there.

Gingerbread - What is your favorite holiday?

               Mallory – Christmas!

               Emily – Halloween.

               Lola – I love Christmas.

Umber - Who do you call your friend? How many Friends do you have?

               Mallory – Emily, Lola, the stray cats I feed, my mom, and my little sister.

               Emily – Mallory and Lola.

               Lola – Mallory, Emily, my parents, my siblings, and my friends from school – Allison, Rosa, Peter, Christian, and Ami.

Carob - What do you look for in a friend?

               Mallory – Someone who understands me and doesn’t mind how quiet I can be.

               Emily – Someone who cares about me.

               Lola – Kindness, loyalty, and understanding.

Grey/Gray - Introvert, Extrovert, or Ambivert?

               Mallory – 100% Introvert.

               Emily – Introvert.

               Lola – Ambivert.

Shadow - What is your biggest regret?

               Mallory – Ever deciding to change myself.

               Emily – Everything.

               Lola – I regret every time I’ve purged.

Silver - What do you imagine the future to be like?

               Mallory – I don’t know if I have one.

               Emily – I’m not living past my 18th birthday.

               Lola – I hope I can go to college and get a degree in law.

Graphite - Do you like to draw? If so, do you draw often? What do you like to draw?

               Mallory – I love art! I draw a ton and I really like to do portraits.

               Emily – I wish I could draw.

               Lola – Yes, I do. It’s therapeutic for me.

Smoke - Have you ever taken any drugs?

               Mallory – No, I haven’t.

               Emily – Yes.

               Lola – No.

Fog - Was there ever a period in your life when you were confused and lost? how did you get out of it?

               Mallory – I think I’m still in it.

               Emily – I always have been.

               Lola – The first two years of my ED, I was very lost. I’m not completely out of it yet.

Slate - If you could erase any memory from your life, would you do it? If so, which memory would you chose?

               Mallory – Any memory from when I was really, truly lonely.

               Emily – Memories involving my trauma.

               Lola – I don’t think I’d erase any memory from my life. I don’t think there’s a single memory that contributed to or caused my eating disorder, and other than that, I have a happy life.

Cloud - What do you spend the majority of your time thinking about?

               Mallory – My insecurities, my weight, what I’m eating…

               Emily – Dying.

               Lola – What I’m going to b/p on next. It’s depressing.

Ash - Is there something or someone from your past that you miss?

               Mallory – I miss being innocent.

               Emily – I don’t like talking about it. (She misses Tristian more than anything.)

               Lola – I miss happiness. I miss eating without puking. I miss not knowing what calories were. I miss having lots of friends. I miss my old self.

Obsidian - Do you suffer from any mental disabilities?

               Mallory – (Mallory has EDNOS, social anxiety, general anxiety, body dysmorphia, and major depressive disorder.)

               Emily – (Emily has C-PTSD, anorexia nervosa, paranoia, borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, body dysmorphia, and general anxiety.)

               Lola – (Lola has bulimia nervosa w/ restrictive subtype, body dysmorphia, major depressive disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.)

Spider - What irrational fears do you have?

               Mallory – I’m always scared that Lola and Emily hate me…

               Emily – That my dad is going to get out of jail and find me.

               Lola – That I’m actually obese and everyone is lying to me.

Ink - write your autobiography in one sentence.

               Mallory – Sad girl with no friends develops mental issues and ruins her life.

               Emily – Emo cunt who doesn’t know how to eat.

               Lola – Perfectionist girl gives up her chance of a bright future in favor of constant binging and purging.

[incessantwhine]

some thoughts:

i just want to say I love my girl so goddamn much. it’s 3:20am and it’s been a while since I stayed up all night thinking but now is as good a time as any. she’s so wonderful in every single way. we’ve only been ~close~ for a year (and i can’t believe our relationship started the way it did but life is fucking weird) and it’s honestly so odd that we didn’t know each other sooner considering how many parts of our lives overlapped but thinking about it? it was like. two objects that get so close to each other over and over again but the timing just isn’t quite right, like comets? like it orbits and comes really close to entering the atmosphere but it doesn’t and you wait another 87 years for it to come back around and get a little closer and then one of those times, it just collided. it was like that. i don’t believe in destiny or fate but to come that close to meeting someone so many times until finally you get it right, it feels like the universe was trying to put her my way. and god im so glad it did.

things are...ridiculously early. she’s not even technically my girlfriend; i’m a scaredy cat. but like. im so serious about her and it’s so easy to be serious. being serious doesn’t feel like this overwhelming sense of dread or like we’re doomed or like something is bound to happen, it’s lighthearted, it’s carefree, it feels fucking good. im terrified of making my same mistakes but even that doesn’t feel like some dark cloud in an otherwise bright sky. im not losing my mind over the logistics of a future together. she just feels...right.

I can’t describe it. but i said it months ago, when you know, you know. ive never been in a position where i genuinely didn’t know what was going to happen, when there was a very real possibility of getting my heart broken, but I think it means something that i threw myself into that anyway. i think i knew.

we are so young and we have all the time in the world, im in no hurry and im not pressed. but at the same time like...i want to make it certain im in this for the long haul? I don’t know.

even just the way we started, there was something that was there and just honestly? unignorable. like yeah sure maybe i thought it was just sexual tension or like whatever bullshit you want to call that situation but like....in hindsight? maybe it’s just me looking at it in retrospect w/ love goggles but like....it almost felt like there was something more. i just didn’t know or have a word for it. i fell flat on my face for her, and the second i knew i was in deep i knew there was no going back, and ive never had that before. not that ive never been in love, i have plenty, but it was more...growing in love, than falling. and that’s fine and valid! just because my relationships started because the other person was interested first and expressed it doesn’t mean that i didn’t also become interested. but to pursue someone, to recognize those feelings in yourself and then find out it’s mutual and it works out? oh, my. I don’t have the words for how that makes me feel. I wish i could have told myself years and years ago “this is coming. this is waiting for you.” i would have had so much more to look forward to.

it’s unexpected, to say the least. truthfully, I was ready to swear off relationships. coming out of a long term one and jumping in to an odd one right after? i didn’t think my love life could get any weirder and then it did and i was going to be done. but...all of that, the pain and the aftermath, it led me to here and im healing. i can feel new growth. I’ve written about this so many times, it must be boring, but i just get waves of excitement about all this and it just needs to go somewhere.

above all, i just can’t get enough of her. and I’m so relieved and glad i don’t have to worry about the “trouble” that feeling might cause. things are never simple, but, at the same time, this is the simplest, most direct, easy and pure thing I’ve ever been a part of. i love her, and that’s that.

shes so good for me and good to me and i want everyone in the world to know that, and to be as happy for me as I am, but above anything else I want to be just as good to and for her and I want everyone to see that, too.

I get plenty of fulfillment in my life. im getting good at my job, i grind when i need to. im a damn hard worker for other people, and sometimes myself too. but damn, there is nothing more satisfying and rewarding than seeing her smile cause of something i did. if I can make that happen every day for the rest of my life? hollllyyy shit, id die so happy. sounds dramatic and I don’t mean it to be, I’m just devoted to her in the least selfish way i know how to be. and it’s not at my own expense, either. love isn’t bending over backwards to cater to someone else, I learned that the hard way but god this is worth it. being in love the healthy way? unquestionably, there’s nothing better.

2018? year of moving on to better futures, and im deadset on having her in mine.

[pussymagicuniverse]

Sapphic Book Review: When Katie Met Cassidy

Books are a forms of magic, especially for queers. Language is often used to oppress, marginalize and erase the nuances of LGBTQ+ identity. But it can also be used to reclaim, express, and celebrate the beauty of queer love and experiences. 

This is why I deliberately seek literature written by queers, especially women. I usually have to search for them, but Camille Perri’s novel When Katie Met Cassidy jumped out at me while browsing an independent bookstore in Sarasota, Florida. 

My initial interest was based on how the title included my name. Cassidy isn't a common name; at least, not something I'm used to seeing printed on a book. Pulling the beige spine out of the shelf, I was met with an aesthetically pleasing front cover design and a blurb from a Vogue review that said: "The delightful, sexy, queer novel of the summer…"

"Cassidy and Katie’s growth reflects the non-linear development of queer identity – we’re always evolving."

When Katie Met Cassidy is the light-hearted queer rom-com the gays have been waiting for. LGBTQ+ content is often rife with trauma and pain, societal oppression and family entanglement. While this novel doesn’t entirely discount these experiences, the driving force of the plot is the romantic tension between Cassidy and Katie.

Katie is a 28-year-old supposedly straight woman recently dumped by her pretentious fiancé. The book opens with the messiness of her emotional state: clothes littered across her apartment, a maze of unopened boxes, and a wrinkled work uniform. She's a stark contrast to Cassidy, who wakes up early to exercise, wears custom-made men's suits, and sports a slick butch haircut.

The two protagonists meet at work; attorney Cassidy and lawyer Katie are mesmerized by one another. Cassidy is distracted by Katie's attractiveness, while Katie is intrigued by Cassidy's masculine presentation. Their worlds collide when they bump into each other later that night and Katie tags along with Cassidy to a lesbian bar called Metropolis.

Perri's descriptions of seedy queer spaces and sexually-charged nightlife are hilariously exaggerated (although not far off from reality). It's refreshing to read a novel that portrays lesbians as flippant as they are serious. Not every representation of queerness needs to be seamlessly positive — the regulars at Metropolis are messy, funny, confrontational, and shameless. They glide between caricatures and real people, revealing an honest and self-aware expression of performativity.

They’re distinct enough to avoid tropes, but create comical aspects to the novel — like Becky, the ex-vegan chef who specializes in meat dishes. Cassidy is the emotionally unavailable heart-breaker; her hyper-sexual appetite mirroring Shane McCutcheon’s from the L Word. And Katie is a good girl from Kentucky, eager to mold her image in order to please others.

The depth of the novel is the underlying theme of understanding oneself in relation to society, specifically from the perspective of lesbians in their late-twenties and early-thirties. An interview with the the author printed in the back of the book reveals some insight on this choice: "…many people ‘come out’ or unexpectedly change their line of thinking in regard to desire and sexuality much later in life than the cusp of adulthood. I wanted to write about this kind of change, which obviously gets much less treatment."

Since queer people often realize their sexuality much later in life than their heterosexual peers, Perri’s characters reflect the nuanced and fluid journey of queer becoming. There's no script for lesbian women, nor is there a timeline for understanding one's sexuality. Cassidy and Katie’s growth reflects the non-linear development of queer identity – we’re always evolving.

When Katie Met Cassidy is an excellent addition to the bookshelves of lovers of lesbian literature and rom-coms alike. This story is layered with amusing circumstances, endearing romance, and entertaining portrayals of lesbian life in NYC. It’s simple storyline and language makes this novel an accessible, queer gem.

Cassidy Scanlon is a Capricorn poet and witch who uses her artistic gifts as a channel for healing herself and others. She writes poetry and CNF about mental health, astrology, queer love, pop culture representation, and how social structures shape our perceptions of history and mythology. When she’s not writing, she can be found petting the local stray cats, exploring the swamps of Florida, reading 5 books at a time, and unwinding with her Leo girlfriend. 

You can visit her astrology blog Mercurial Musings and explore more of her publications on her website.