#i’m genuinely going so fucking crazy

[gayandgayerr]

using tumblr dot com as my therapist again tonight

[pepperpixel]

SAID HE LIKES CRAZY GIRLS,

BUT HE HATES WHEN I ACT CRAZY,

IT TAKES TWO TO TOXIC!

FINALLY!!! Finished these pics of jinx I’ve been working on!!!!! HOLY SHIT, these took so long…. But finally… they’re done… pls enjoy this art of my beautiful princess w a disorder. Featuring alternate colors for the big pic and also a closeup! Cuz I rlly like how both the lines and coloring on her face turned out… like the pink gradients w her eye… her deer in headlights expression,, like uve just startled a raccoon digging thru ur trashcan and r two seconds away from getting mauled.. m proud of it!

[prettyboykatsuki]

Fang you are literally ruining my life. Being a friendly "older sister" figure in ness's life who inadvertently gets put into the position of "mother" for the two of them...

You're so sweet to Ness, so comfortably teasing and supportive... Something about Ness brings out the older sister in u and so u dote on him and take care of him and kaiser sees it all. Sees how it makes Ness improve, sees how it centers Ness in a way that kaiser can't, sees how it changes him in some imperceptible way that kaiser doesn't understand (that he tells himself he doesn't want to understand).

And because there is no Ness without kaiser, you take him on as well. You have bratty younger siblings too so u treat him as u would them. And it frustrates him more than a little. You don't take the bait. You just give him that knowing look like youve done all of this before, heard all of this before. And you tell him it's okay if he's feeling snappy. Does he want a drink? A snack? A nap?

You're more than happy to take care of him too if he'll let you.

And god help him, he wants to.

And god help him, he does.

It's minor at first. A warm smile and praise so buttery warm that he kind of wants to rip his own skin off, kind of wants to crawl into yours. A soft, almost absentminded pat on the head where he has to fight the urge to bite your hand (and he sees in your eyes that you know this and he sees in your eyes that the forgiveness is already there). A scarf, clumsy and handmade, that he rubs his face into until the smell of you fades.

And, as everything does, his feelings for you start twisting. His perception of you starts to shift just as his behavior does. He's not soft, not docile, but it's enough for you to notice. Enough for you to smile and praise and embrace him with your arms wide open.

He asks Ness point blank what he thinks of you. Blushing and nervous, Ness says that you're a friend. A really good friend. Kind of like a big sister, maybe?

And kaiser corrects him.

No, not like a big sister. More like a mom.

Kaiser hears the way ness' breath catches. Of course he does. There's excitement there. Embarrassment and shame too. That's fine, Kaiser can work with that.

Because Ness is sweet and docile. Ness and his big baby eyes and soft voice brings out the most nurturing warmth from you.

Which is why kaiser knows that this time, when he sends Ness to you with his quietly spoken platitudes and hopeful glances, you'll finally take the bait.

hold on . hold on Hold on hold on Hold on . hold on

[clegfly]

Just finished rebellion!!! Hahahahahaha I’m SO normal right now!!!

[crybabybat]

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[solazu1]

SCREAMING AND BITING AND KICKING!!!!! THEY COULDVE BEEN FRIENDS IN DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

[sappymix1]

good night. i hope the world ends so i don’t have to get up tomorrow

[tariah23]

I rly don’t see how ppl be 20+ shipping kids anymore tbh… like, it’s so rampant and I don’t see the appeal to it anymore being as tho I’m in my late 20’s.

[hizznbyte]

I Survived […Now What?]

Hello everynyan, Captain Neri speaking. I gotta set the record straight and clear up some… confusion about what happened on the night of January 29th.

Do be warned, this post may be long and will mention things like abuse, violence, self-inflicted harm, mental episodes and trauma and all that fun stuff. So if you’re sensitive to those kinds of things I’d suggest you sit this one out. No skin off my back, just make sure to take care of yourself!

I guess I gotta preface this by saying that I… was very hesitant to post this. I think I owe some kind of explanation, but..? I worry that this will come off ventish -which I guess it is- and I don’t really enjoy venting to people on the internet and subjecting them to my fucked up mental state. Even my mutuals who I call my friends.. don’t know me really. It’s weird, over sharing like this. It feels selfish of me, to come crying to random people out here who only really came for funny art and memes… but then again, this is a personal blog. I’ve been healing and using this very Tumblr blog to heal. And my mutuals who are the sweetest people ever have been so important in that journey. And aside from Yax, the people who I go to vent to in private? It feels like they won’t listen, like I’m being continuously shut out and ignored, even when I’m struggling to even wake up in the morning [so much for being everyone’s therapist…] I don’t know who will care listen but if you are, thank you.

Y’know, growing up poor in a family that could barely afford a proper house taught me something. Something I can’t put into words, but it’s an experience. A humbling on maybe but not one I’d really wish upon others, let alone my worst enemy. Because we struggled a lot, and that caused some stress and fighting.

I don’t like using the word poor to describe my family though, because the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is a group of homeless people begging on the side of the road you kind of tilt your head at and pity. We aren’t broke by any means, we can still afford nice stuff every once in a while, it’s just at the expense of proper living.

So I’ve always been financially dependent on my parents. And I guess, dependent on them for everything [they are my parents after all]. I try my best to help out but.. someone like me? It seems impossible. They have control over most of my personal possessions and money, so it’s not like I can ever run away. It isn’t easy. I live with them, and in turn I should at least respect them… right?

Strict, conservative, religious parents and some kid like me. Was there ever anything more ironic? If they knew half of what you guys knew about me, I think I’d be on the streets. I love my family… I love my parents.. but it’s not an easy thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I hate them. I sometimes I feel like they hate me.

I think in an older post I made some offhand comment about my dad being the source of most of my issues. That’s still true. Always has been. I want to say he’s nice, he sometimes is, can be at least, and other times he’s so so cruel. I don’t know anyone in my family that isn’t a victim. Sometimes I think he’s actually a good person, and then a switch flips and suddenly he’s been replaced by a completely different person. And it hurts to see. One time he got super sick with Covid and I guess me and my siblings were being annoying, so he threatened to stab us all with a knife he was waving around. He doesn’t recall. I do, that’s stuck with me for a while. I don’t trust to be around him in the kitchen anymore. With him, you never know what to expect. He can get mad over the most trivial things, like if you sigh too deeply or close the door wrong. Was I being disrespectful when I did that? Under his roof, it feels like walking on eggshells all while playing Russian roulette.

So I guess I should’ve been more careful where I walk.

But he was getting on my nerves and I impulsively pushed his buttons to get back at him. It was really quick [can’t say what] but it’s not like I yelled at him or cussed him out or even set a finger on him really. I was in my own room, and he was in his. And just like that I messed up because he’s coming over and chasing me into my brother’s room before beating at me and trying to pull me out of the house. He’s yelling at me and calling me names [Anjing. Indonesian word for dog. He spat the word like it was a fucking slur. He might as well have called me a bitch] and saying I don’t deserve to live, to be alive. He’s yelling at me to get out of his house and never come back, that I’m not his kid anymore and that i should be out on the streets.

My baby brother is watching it unfold. He’s following his father’s steps. He’s yelling at me too.

He asks me for my phone and takes it and hides it away. I’m surprised he didn’t just throw it on the floor and break it right there and then, like he did so long ago. He probably would’ve honestly. But I’m on the floor and sweaty and bruised mess, trying my damn hardest not to burst out crying like the bitch I am.

My mom just looks down on me and doesn’t just rub salt in the wound, she lathers it. She tells me to apologize, looks at me like I’m crazy. I love my mom, I really do, and I wish I could say she’s nicer and more lenient than my dad, but that’s not right. It doesn’t take much but sometimes she’s just as bad, if not worse than he is. And worst of all? She’s a fucking coward. I can’t say I blame her really, looking at the situation we’re in, but it makes me wonder just how much I actually mean to her.

It doesn’t take long for them to go to sleep. I’m sitting on the floor in my brother’s room [Fritz btw, he’s my older brother] and before he can say some stupid thing he’ll regret, I tell him to go to bed and ask to borrow his phone. First thing I think of is my phone and everyone waiting behind the screen thinking I’ve just gone to bed for the night. Usually he’d hate for anyone to look at his phone, let alone use it, but Fritz told me his password and had me log on to his discord account. That’s when I started frantically texting Yax.

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do or where to go. He’s already hurt me and I KNOW he can and will try to kill me. I’ve always had that feeling oh so long ago, that if I died it’d either be by his hands or my own. And I’m too much of a coward to really try. He isn’t. I heard him loud and clear the first time. And the many times after that. So I’m texting Yax and that’s when I start crying like a baby. Cause I’m scared that when I die she’ll be confused and worried for me and there will be no one to tell her the news till it’s too late.

So thats where the messages she sent out on Tumblr [on my behalf] came from. I just wanted everyone to know how much I love them and appreciate what they did for me. I didn’t intend on causing panic or whatever. Whatever Yax wrote in those messages specifically I’m unaware of nor had any control over.

I need to clarify this so people will stop asking: There was nothing else I could do. If I called the police or CPS or some shit I’d just cause even more trouble for my entire family, and they’d never forgive me. I have siblings I care about. I’m not going to destroy their lives to deal with my stupid shit. I couldn’t straight or pack my shit and leave either. They wanted to kick me out of their house yes, but they’d make sure they took everything from me before I left. It all belongs to them after all. No money no phone no fucking clothes in the middle of winter. I would’ve left right there and then for Yax’ place if not for that, and if not for the fact that it was the middle of the night and she lives farther away from me than my own school. I really fought back the urge to yell at her to come pick me up. Aside from her I have virtually no one else. No other family [they all live in Indonesia] and no one else I trust. Like I said, I was dependent on my parents to survive.

Just like that I’m stuck in this fucking hellhole.

It’s so very long before he finally goes into a deep sleep, skipping over the part where he tells my younger sister Fizzi that I mean nothing to him loudly enough that I hear it from the other room. And I’m scared for my life. I’m scared of what he’ll do to me when he wakes up. But I’m not sleeping on the goddamn floor of my brother’s bedroom so I sneak out, use the bathroom for like an hour and crawl back into my bed. I feel safe, if only for a while. And I’m just so so fucking tired.

But I don’t let my guard down. I’m hiding under the covers with one eye open and peeping through. And with every disturbance to the silence outside I’m holding my breath and praying and begging to god that it’s not him. That he hasn’t woken up. Only god knows what he’d do if he had. I barely got any sleep that night since I was up for hours. It’s not like I’m not already used to that, I am an insomniac after all, but I was fighting so hard to get a minute of peace. I just wanted to sleep.

And maybe when I wake up it’ll all just be a bad dream.

Maybe they still love me. Maybe I didn’t fuck up.

But the morning after is the same as always.

[lawva-girl]

Rant alert about silly ppl being mean and hurtful about the hurricanes in the south and Florida right now

This hurricane is actually breaking my heart, I thought people were insensitive and horrible about Gaza (they are and it is so fucking horrible) but seeing the comments these adults leave? Omg “you’ll die if you don’t evacuate.. kids run away all the time but the second it’s a little scary suddenly it’s “my family won’t let me leave”

The teenage!!! Girl (op) was saying her family wanted to not evacuate, but she was trying to convince them. They got into a back and forth and the adult!! Said “if you are in the path you’re gonna die. You should leave.”

SHE DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE HER FAMILY TO DIE??? Do you not have any brain?

Yes I know it’s rage bait but omfg when did we decide that views and attention in comments was worth hurting people? And holy cow im so sick of people saying “why don’t you prepare” “you should’ve left, stupid southerners” LIKE ???

Did we all leave the things we learned way back in 2020 (hopefully school too) somewhere on the road? Like this rhetoric of liberals (in blue states) saying that the people, average Joe people, are at fault and need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps? It’s so disgusting.

Most of them are also white, and when ppl in their comment section call them out, they argue endlessly? Like I feel a pit of despair opening up that will swallow literally everything bc these liberals don’t know how to have any fucking empathy

[hauntedkeys]

I’m actually going to go insane what is wrong with me

[enigmaticvariation]

you know things are getting dire when you hate your hair so much you’re seriously considering cutting it all off yourself despite having no experience cutting hair.

[sunnydreadfu11]

Imagine being so pretentious that you think an entire country of people are stupid based on the propaganda you’ve been fed about them for decades that their government has pushed out about them bc they fucking hate their citizens, meanwhile the reason you’re calling them stupid in the first place is bc you think they’re the ones believing the propaganda.

[nighhtwing]

i don’t care for bearded dick in redondo’s style but older dick with a beard…,,… i nee d to be SHOT

[canibalistic-brownie]

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[cosmictapestry]

why is ghis prescirption for piper suddenly saying it’s $63 a pill :)))) for a pill she takes twice a day :))))