#Like I hear people talking about how going on meds made life easier for them and like- I genuinely can’t relate

[hauntedkeys]

I’m actually going to go insane what is wrong with me

[imagobin]

Hello! What do you think about a Killua & Leorio friendship scenario?: Killua gets inspired by Leorio so that he also wants to become a doctor and Leorio helps him with his studies.

Apologies for only getting to this nowwww I've been way too busy ugh This is SUCH a fun scenario! Idk the twist of Killua going from killing people to saving them is so cute and sweet- let's goooo! This is gonna be taking place a few years later, when Leorio is an actual doctor.

🩵Leorio helping Killua study HCs🪀

I wanna be like you:

Killua was raised to be an assassin, he'd been using his skills to hurt people ever since he could remember, but ever since he'd rescued Alluka from his family, his intentions began to change drastically, even more than they had in the past years.

Unless it was about protecting his little sister... fighting wasn't his priority anymore, especially since hearing that Leorio had actually managed to reach his goal of becoming a doctor.

He'd honestly never paid that much attention to that "old man" before. They were friends, sure, but he'd always been closer to Gon since it was easier to relate to someone his own age.

Hearing Leorio's passion when talking about his dream, genuinely inspired Killua... could he become a doctor too? He'd always struggled with finding his own path in life, always clinging to other people for a purpose... the doubt that he was just doing this as the ultimate act of defiance towards his family or to copy Leorio was still there, but nothing at the moment was forbidding him from trying.

"Leorio... what does it take to become a doctor?" he'd casually brought up the topic, acting typically bashful about asking a question like that. Leorio was surprised at first, but he answered honestly. Aside from studying lots, the desire to help people when nobody else can was his main drive.

"Do you think... I can do that?" Now Leorio was actually floored. An ex-assassin? Wanting to be a doctor? But... he wasn't the type to discourage his friends, quite the opposite- when he understood Killua wanted to follow in his footsteps he felt a sense of pride, and like the great big brother of the group he is, he took it upon himself to help Killua with his new goal.

Learning to focus:

What Killua was not expecting, was his new goal immediately getting challenged by... his own short attention span.

Go figure, the boy who'd fought his whole life and could run around at the speed of light, didn't exactly love sitting at a desk and study boring pre-med books.

Killua found himself often skipping his studying hours or cutting them short. He grew frustrated because on top of that, even when he did study, the information struggled to stick around in his brain. Maybe he wasn't fit for this after all... it was the first time he, a prodigy in fighting and Nen, was... not good at something, and it hit him hard.

He reluctantly brought up this to Leorio, who immediately reassured Killua that it's not that he wasn't fit to study; he just needed to find his own way! Seeing how fast Killua could absorb information in the past through hands-on experience, Leorio suggested he'd learn on actual anatomical models instead of relying on the pictures on the books, and that instead of studying cooped up in a library, maybe Killua would benefit from studying outside.

That advice seemed to work for the white haired boy, and between that and occasionally getting more help from Leorio, Killua actually began believing in himself, he could do this! He was going to leave behind everything his family had ever made him up to be, and he was going to follow his own goals!

Like an older brother:

Over this time, Killua began to see just how dependable Leorio is, almost like the older brother he'd always wished for, instead of Illumi.

It was reassuring to finally have someone in his life who didn't force him into a box, but who instead put in a lot of effort to find what would work for Killua.

Leorio didn't even notice he was doing this, it just felt like the most obvious way to get Killua to accomplish something. It looked like Melody was right in saying he'd be a good teacher as well.

He also got to know Killua a lot better. He'd only seen moments of vulnerability when Gon was in the hospital, but now he was aware of just how anxious he could be in other moments too.

Of course, with Killua always comes Alluka too, the young girl never leaves her borther's side, and during cram study sessions, she'd often stick around to watch her brother study and repeat notions to Leorio in whichever café or park they chose to go to for that day.

Leorio was somewhat aware of Alluka's powers, but he wasn't worried about it. He actually found Alluka really sweet for encouraging his brother to do his best at all times.

Killua still has his short fuse and sometimes gets mad at himself or the book when he struggles to have some topics stick in his brain, but Leorio can see he's truly trying, and he fully believes in him.

As the entrance exams for med school were approaching, Killua sought reassurance from Leorio, he wanted to know how the experience had been for him.

"Trust me, you might be an anxious wreck now, but once they're over, your first thought will be 'Huh, that wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be'."

[esfordays]

Do you have headcanons abt Jason? Tell me about them if you do!

Okay okay okay, let’s do this; bullet point style (most of these relate more to when he was younger hanging out with Dick, so I apologise about it basically becoming dick and jay headcanons)

The closest Jay has ever gotten to having drugs were pain meds (and that one edible dick accidentally let him have)

In a similar vein, his alcohol tolerance is non-existent

He made Dick teach him a bunch of Romani, so that they could talk without Bruce figuring it out

To this day, they are the only two members of the bat family to speak it

He and Dick made Alfred teach them how to cook, and both would complain about the lack of spices and flavour in meals

He and Sick actually managed to convince a lot of people they were genuinely blood related

Oli is still in denial, even after being shown lab results to prove they aren’t

He and Dick both have no major qualms with killing, as Selina, Harvey and Ivy practically raised them both

On that note, he and Dick have a bet going, to see how long it takes for the other heroes to realise neither of them care anymore, and will kill if it means making things easier

Did anyone else hear MAJOR ATTACHMENT ISSUES

Adopts traumas like Bruce adopts kids

Went to a party only once in his life

It was Lian’s birthday party

Dick will never let him live that down

He and Dick, out of all of the siblings, had the hardest time adjusting to having money and resources

Both of them have MAJOR daddy issues

Hope this is good enough, I have more for just Jay but I’m currently trying to wash the dog 😭

[doin-just-fine]

Hiya!! I saw you were inviting people to ask you system stuff, so as a questioning/newly discovered plural I have a couple questions!! If you're uncomfy answering these please feel free to skip any or delete this ask! I know they're potentially quite personal.

How did you find out you're a system?

What does internal communication look/feel like for you?

How do you personally handle self doubt?

The People Wanna Know:

🛸 Hello!! Thank you for submitting this question! I know as a newly discovered system reaching out about system things can be scary!!

For you're first question, the initial "discovery" was after I had gone off my ADHD meds for a week due to the shortages that were/are happening. I have been medicated for my ADHD since I was 8 and hadn't had a break from my meds greater than a day or two since that age. Let me set the scene, I'm finally living on my own, dating a system, and under a lot of stress from other things in my life. I start questioning if I'm a system just a little bit, more of a check in with my psyche and less of theres evidence pointing me here. Then BOOM no meds for a week or so. As I start questioning this and checking in (something I have done before quite a few times since learning and researching about plurality off and on the past 5 years) I notice that theres a really loud voice telling me horrible things about myself every time I try to think and check in about this. At the time this was a very uncommon thing for my mind. As the week progressed the voice and it's emotion got more and more distressing each time it piped up but I kept pushing back against it until it almost felt like a bubble popped. I was fighting the rude voice and suddenly I got a wash of this voices name/identity. It felt like a voiceover layered with different ways of identifying with the name Cloud mixed with telling me off. Ex (tw: aggressive language ): "You're a fucking idiot" "This is stupid" "Dumb ass" "Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You" ((Bubble Pops)) "cloud" "You're a fucking idiot" "name-" "This is stupid" "You're just lonely" "name: cloud" "You're not a system just stop" "i am cloud" "Fucking idiot you're so stupid" "Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off" "cloud" To be clear, it was more like the bubble popped and suddenly a new sense of identity started transmitting to me. Before just his words where being projected to me almost like over a loud speaker and then suddenly I was sharing a consciousness with him. This interaction was able to happen because my meds create a bit of a barrier that makes communication more difficult and therefore easier to hide the plurality from me. Once my meds were out of my system it made that negative voice louder and pushing against it easier until everything gave way.

Plurality is covert, meaning it doesn't want to be discovered and will do what it can to stay hidden, thats why gatekeepers exist and why denial spirals happen. You're brain doesn't want you to acknowledge it because then that means you are going to acknowledge what it has deemed unsafe memories, emotions, thoughts, feelings, patterns, ect. It also takes practice to navigate and communicate in your system and you won't be able to be sure of things right away. Things will change as you understand them better. For you're second question about communication I will be referencing how our varying levels of "fronting" works and to avoid making this response incredibly long I will direct you to the original post we first explain it in. We mostly feel each others thoughts rather than hear them. The only time I can every "hear" someone else's thoughts is if they are right next to me and/or feeling something very strongly. Usually if we want to "talk" to each other we talk out loud so everyone can hear what's being said and respond, or we right it out. But usually we rely of deciphering feelings. I can hear my own thought in my head but no one else's usually but they can seemingly hear mine. So I can talk to them in my head and then try to feel what they're emotional reaction is to what I'm saying and decipher their responses. It's a lot of yes or no questions or statements. like playing 20 questions. I can try to expand on our communication more if anyone would like me to. I do plan on making a post about it at some point.

As for your last question that ones very hard. I'm lucky that I told my therapist and she validated me making me feel clinically seen even without a formal diagnosis. She is far from being an expert or specialist but just being told by a medical professional "hey you're valid" was enough to take away the MAJOR denial feelings we would get. Early on it's gonna be very common and very hard. I had a could people go quite when I was first learning because they felt that me just wrapping my head around clouds existence alone first might be a better plan that 3 new people. And even now, it isn’t gone. It rears its head now and then especially because we are an atypical system so a few things that people use to fake claim kinda apply to us and we get worried we’re mistaken. If you have trauma, leaning on that when you have a denial spiral can be helpful like reminding yourself it makes sense for your brain to operate this way. If you don’t have trauma right down moments that feel particularly real and plural and when you start spiralling read those moments and try to remember how real that felt.

I hope this was helpful let me know if you have any questions or need clarification!!

REMEMBER: You're gonna be ok. You're gonna figure it out. Be kind and gentle with yourself and others. Asks are open. Have a nice day.

[randomgooberness]

This is in reference to the one post where Gordon gets all embarrassed for talkin like a kid (and maybe I missed something) But does Freemind sign "sorry", or say it out loud? I'm so curious if ya'll have a reason for how or why Mind signs, or the fact that Gordon can even UNDERSTAND it !!

(ask is referencing this post)

TYSM FOR THIS ASK! WE HAVE A LOT TO SAY ON IT LMAO. @shineyfish 's answer: MIND SIGNS IT HE LOVES LANGUAGES!!! there's lots of points in Freeman's Mind where he speaks in different languages or references shit to do with that so it's a big hc of mine that he knows how to speak a bunch of different languages. Can't have prior potentially talking shit about him, and you can't talk shit about him if he always knows what you're saying! Hilariously to me though is that he Canonically doesn't know Morse code. Sign language in particular I feel like he'd know because it's a language where you don't need to speak to use it. That's perfect for anything where you need to be silent, for example, being in Panama with your buddy Eddie and you don't want to get caught.

My answer:

From Gordons POV, in my headcanons, he grew up learning sign language because of his autism- it made it easier for him to communicate nonverbally, especially because he was mostly mute for the first few years of his life(to which when he was like 7 or 8 he switched to never shutting up LMAO). Gordon couldn't actually understand that specific moment where Mind signed, because he wasn't facing him and was moving, so he didn't really see it- just a bit of movement(hence why he's confused in the comic). However, there IS a scene that took place a day or so prior(in act 1, that comic is in early act 2) that had them using it. I shared a small screenshot of the scene because it was really funny to me, but Ace agreed to let me edit it up and post the full segment here! Have a treat :D

This takes place after they get outside for the first time and run from the airstrikes- and go into the vents with the skeleton and the sweet voice.

WARNING FOR: ableism(internalized and external) and (technically)self-harm

"It can't be THAT hard to fly a fuckin plane!"

Mind laughed, half joking with that as he moved forward. 

It didn't take long until he was whining again.

"Why are so many people trying to kill me?? I'm awesome! Are they jealous?"

He didn't have enough bullets for all of them at the rate they were going at. The military should give peace a chance, or at least stand still.

"I'm calling dibs on the med station."

"Go ahead," Gordon chuckled. "Yeah, I think they're just jealous of you. They uh. They think the Science Team is too sexy to live." He wheezed.

"YES!"

Mind hooked himself up the the med station, silently begging the thing for what he wanted.

The med station, checking his vitals and seeing he wasn't mortally injured, did not give him any morphine.

"NO!"

He rested his head against the thing as it appropriately treated his more minor injuries. He didn't want to say he was getting desperate, because he wasn't, and if you thought that you were wrong, but... It was hard to be sober around this place.

He laughed joylessly.

"They've got it all wrong. We're actually too sexy to die."

"Exactly!" Gordon laughed, clapping his hands. "Let's uh, c'mon, Bubby I- dude what are you charging in the HEV suit station." 

"My MP3 player." Bubby said.

"What?" 

"Don't tell anyone~!" 

"...Okay," Gordon wheezed. "Is that what's playing the Russian speaking?" 

"The what?" Bubby looked...genuinely confused by that question. "No?" 

"What speaking?" Dr. Coomer tilted his head. Gordon sighed. 

"...Nothing. Let's move on." 

Whatever the fuck Gordon was talking about, Mind was a little concerned about it. Being overly Paranoid that you're seeing things can be good when you need to look for enemies, but hearing things that aren't there? That could be a problem.

Whatever. It wasn't too much of a problem right now, and they still had hallways to go through for a second time. He never wants to look at a hallway ever again. His headache was a little worse, and now that the noise was muffled he had a ringing in his ears. 

"Why do you get an MP3 player?? And why does the HEV station charge it??"

"I want to listen to my tunes," Bubby said. "The HEV station charges anything." 

"I use it for my bionic body!" Dr. Coomer nodded. 

Gordon rounded over to a vent nearby. From it, odd humming and whistling could be heard- alien sounding. Like the Sweet Voice. He pulled out his gun and headed inside. Mind heard it too, flinching. 

"...No. no, it's dead, we watched the bitch get torn apart by the doors, there's no way it survived that. I'm either just imagining that, which is concerning, or mistaking the sound..." 

He didn't seem to be talking to anyone, although kept his gun ready as he spoke. 

If nothing could kill that- that thing, then... "We really are fucked."

"No...No, I'm hearing it too, man," Gordon muttered. He was shocked that this vent was big enough to stand in, and walked cautiously. "...Maybe there's more like him here? I mean, it's called the Black Mesa Sweet Voice- it might...I dunno. We'll see. Maybe it's friendly."

"I doubt that, if Mall-cop was anything to go off of, it'll be irritating at best."

Following close behind Gordon, gun at the ready, he could feel his heartbeat. Something about the mere thought of seeing that thing again sent a spike of fear through him.

"At worst? I don't think I want to know."

"Yeah," Gordon laughed. "I'm tryin' uh. To be an optimist. Sucks." 

"That's the problem, optimism gets you nowhere in the long run. At some point, you need to cut your losses and start breaking shit."

"It sounds, friendly," Tommy spoke up. 

"Oh, right- you can read it.” Gordon perked up, looking at the taller scientist. “What's it saying right now?" 

"Umm..." Tommy tried to focus. "I-I dunno, I can't really tell without the- without the colors." 

"Oh, okay. We'll see in a bit, then." 

They rounded a corner, and Gordon noticed a figure. 

"Wait for my word, do not shoot." 

A flash from a camera behind them. 

"Don't take pictures flash photography scares him."

They got a little closer, and the figure was still hard to see in the dark. 

"...Hello?" Gordon called. 

A small buzz emitted from it, and then a few lower ones, purple. Gordon got closer, and sucked air between his teeth when he noticed it was a fucking skeleton. 

"...Do you know what that is?" He whispered to Tommy, who shrugged.

As they turned the corner, Mind kept his grip on his gun, assuming it to be an army recruit. He couldn't make out a weapon, but he wasn't taking any chances on that. 

He didn't believe his eyes when he saw it properly.

Option one, he was hallucinating. This was bad for the obvious reasons, but he was skeptical on that because the others were clearly seeing it too.

Option two, there was a real, living, sweet voice using skeleton in front of him. This was almost worse, because it immediately made him worry about Benrey. He watched him die. Now he wasn't so sure.

Option three, group hysteria. He wasn't certain on this one. 

"... I'm not seeing that. There is no way I am seeing that."

"...I think we are," Gordon stammered, eyes huge. 

The skeleton made a few more noises, sort of like a guitar plucking. 

"Stay back- stay back staaay back-" It was hard to tell if Gordon was talking to the skeleton, or to The Science Team. "...You guys have any ideas?" 

"...I could always punch it," Dr. Coomer tilted his head, though he didn't seem so sure. 

The skeleton whistled a few times, a soft, odd noise, before it made a honk noise. 

"...Okay, on three, we rush it," Gordon muttered. "God, I'm scared-"

Tommy perked up. 

"Wait, no!" He cried.

"What?! What?! Do you know what it is!?" 

"That's green!" Tommy asserted. 

"What does green mean!?" 

"Green means he's not mean!"

"So-" 

Gordon was interrupted by repeated whistling and buzzing, a flail of colors appearing. 

"What does that mean-" He choked. "What is he saying?!"

And then, suddenly, the skeleton reached a high pitch that continued on and on, and it was deafening, bouncing against the metal of the vents they were in and stabbing into their ears.

Mind almost dropped his gun, rushing to cover his ears. Too LOUD. Too MUCH. 

"SsHHHHUUTT UP SHUT UP, BE QUIET!!" 

"OW- FUCK-!" Gordon yelped, now covering his own ears. 

It hurt. It hurt. Mind felt like his brain was melting, and without thinking he started shooting blindly at the thing, eyes squeezed shut and ears awkwardly pressed between his free hand and his shoulder. 

He needed this thing dead... Again. 

Unfortunately, he didn't think about the current location they were in, and the gunshots only echoed in the vents alongside the creature. He really should have brought his earplugs to work, but they might not have done much for whatever fresh hell this was.

"JUST KILL IT I CANT HANDLE IT-!" Bubby screeched. Gordon, as if he were an attack dog, started bolting toward the thing with a shout- leading the way as the rest of the team followed. 

The skeleton, who didn't react much to the bullets, started running as well.

Mind squinted his eyes open, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as he did, and saw the group running. Unbearable physical pain be damned, he ran after them, not wanting to be left behind.

He needed to make sure that thing stopped existing, even if the process of doing so was going to make him want to commit atrocities... More than usual.

Bubby raced ahead of Gordon and took out-  ...oh god that was an RPG.

Before anyone could say anything, the trigger was pulled, and a rocket blasted through the vents before exploding against the metal, sending a blast of heat and deafening ringing toward everyone.

...And, not only did it not break the vents they were in, but Gordon and the rest seemed to not even care, locked on their target.

Mind, who had uncovered his ears, deciding to just grin and bear it until the thing was dead, caught the full sound of the explosion. 

In almost an instant his body decided enough was enough, and he screeched, falling to his knees and covering his ears, gun forgotten beside him. His palms were pressed hard enough to hurt, and he was almost certain that when he took them away, the imprint of the gloves would be on his face. 

He didn't care. He just needed the ringing to stop. 

He didn't even notice the tears falling until he took a breath, shaky and broken, and heard himself sob. What filled his chest at that was a red-hot shame. What kind of idiot couldn't handle a little bit of noise? Even at that, he didn't need to cry at it, he was being pathetic. He was sure of it, nobody else could see him like this.

The gunshots were muffled and distant, still ringing through the vents as they got further and further away- much louder than a scream, a loud, panicked conversation, and then a bit of talking. 

The first thing Mind properly heard was footsteps and Gordon's voice.

"God, where is he- shit I hope he's okay-"

The large man turned the corner, and perked up, before racing over and sliding on his knees- he immediately put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Woah- heyheyheyhey- are you alright!?"

Without thinking, Mind HISSED at the guy, immediately scratching and pushing the guy away. Space, he needed space, don't look at him-

"GGET THE- GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" 

His voice is rough from sobbing, but there's a significant growl to it. 

"IF YOU COME ANY- A-ANY CLOSER I WILL NOT HHHESITATE TO BITE YOU." 

For a split second he looked Gordon in the eyes, and his own were full of fear. It wasn’t for long though, as he very quickly covered his face, scratching at his eyes with a screech in an attempt to make everything less.

"Woah-! Hey-" Gordon backed up, eyes huge. 

He didn't know what to do here- granted, he barely understood what was going on, but he had a feeling this might be related to all the noise from earlier. He himself fucking hated it, but he went into a tunnel vision trying to kill the damn skeleton as a way to cope- and regretted it, because it meant he left Mind alone. Not to mention, his ears were still ringing. 

He backed up a bit more, and sat down across from Mind, face twisted in worry. 

"Hey, keep your- don't touch your face, man."

"I'LL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!"

There was too many people looking at him, he could feel it-

He hated these stupid gloves and their protective rubber, dragging them over his face just left a dull ache. If he didn't have them on he'd be able to be done with this, the sting from his nails usually tipped it over the edge for him and his stupid brain would start to calm down again. Sure, he normally had to hide the marks until they faded when he was at work, but it's the middle of an alien apocalypse, was he not allowed ONE source of relief in this hell?

After another attempt, he sobbed again, taking his hands down and looking at Gordon with a tear-streaked face. He looked tired. He felt tired. He didn't want to be here anymore.

Gordon frowned, shrinking a bit as he watched him. 

He was a little scared, honestly- he didn't want this guy to suddenly snap and decide he was an enemy. He didn't...entirely trust anyone here, but that trust was building, at least a little. 

He didn't know why he was starting to trust these people, despite how fucking stupid they all acted, or how mean to him they tended to be. He already sort of considered them friends, and hoped they could all still talk after all this was over. 

Naturally, this was scary to see, because of that. But he decided friends should trust and support one another- that's what he heard all his life.

He swallowed, fiddling with his hands and looking at the ground. 

"It's- you're alright, dude, we're. I dunno if we're safe right now but we're...you can breathe, I'm here, alright?" 

Was that what you were supposed to say? He wasn't sure.

Mind felt weak. He felt so weak. Useless, pathetic, there was no way in hell these people will be able to look at him the same. He needs to get out of here. 

As he tried to move though, he was shaking too much, that annoying tremble in his hands from earlier now a full-fledged tremor.

He only distantly heard Gordon's words but he laughed at it, hollow. What, did he think he needed help? Did he think he wasn't strong enough? He would have snapped back at him if the exhaustion wasn't so strong in him. Whatever. He took a deep breath, or tried to, curling in on himself.

"Hey- dude, please sit down- please?" Gordon put his hands out. "You're- you need to calm down, first, alright? Can you-" He paused, looking him up and down. "Auh, fuck, okay gimme a sec." 

He paused, thinking- when he was little and had basically daily meltdowns, not long after he became verbal, one of his old teachers used to give him a cup of water so he'd be distracted and stop crying- he later used this technique on Josh all the time. 

After a bit, he went through their collection from the vending machines and took out a bottle of water. He opened it and set it down in front of Mind.

The guy looked between the bottle and Gordon. Trying to think of any tricks, any ulterior motives, anything. 

He came back with nothing. It registered as a discrepancy to him, why was there no trick to this?

Suspicious, he took the bottle, slowly raising it and taking a sip, eyes on Gordon practically the whole time. 

Taking a sip felt gross in his mouth, and he cringed slightly, but drank a little more.

He didn't like admitting that it did make him feel better, and his brain was still shot with panic about what that was as he sat the bottle back down in between them.

Gordon didn't look at him very much- though the guy already avoided a lot of eye contact unless something stupid was said. He continued to play with his gloves a bit, nervous, and when the bottle was set down, he looked at Mind again, studying his breathing and making sure it was slower. 

"...Are you able to talk?" He asked, softly.

Mind opened his mouth to say something sarcastic back at him, Yeah of course I can talk, I'm not a toddler.

... Only to find that he could not talk. 

The shame was back, he hated this. 

Shaking his head no, he brought his knees closer to his chest, practically death-staring Gordon. This is your fault, somehow.

"...Okay, that's fine- I-I go nonverbal sometimes, too," Gordon said. "Do you know sign language? Or would you rather, would you rather we have uh. Fuckin. Would you rather we have quiet time?"

Quiet time. Just hearing the words made Mind want to hurt someone. It felt childish, and he wasn't a child. He was just as damn capable as the rest of them, voice or not. 

Luckily for him though, he did know sign language. Unluckily for everyone else, his hands still shook, and he was absolutely going to get snappy if he had to repeat himself.

"Sign."

Gordon perked up. 

"Okay-! Great! That's- that's great, uh," He  looked back over to the charred vent nearby, and then to Mind. "Do you need anything in particular right now? I-I'm uh, k-kinda scared to leave you alone, cause...I mean. Aliens." He gestured. "But if you want um, me to be quiet, or me to uh, talk? Or distract you? I-I can do that-"

Mind shifted, snapping his fingers.

"Shut up. Pay attention."

He took a second, and another sip from the water, before continuing.

"Don't like this any more than you do. I can still handle myself, not useless."

He paused.

"... I don't like noise."

"...That's...fine. I don't, either." Gordon said. "And I know you aren't useless, you've- I mean, you've kinda been the most normal guy here- and uh, you're smart." 

He curled his knees to his own chest, looking at the ground, before deciding it was important to make sure if he knew Mind was signing or not.

"...I-I've kinda needed you as a source of grounding this whole time, man. It's...everything else is fucked and these people, I-I care about them but they're fucking...confusing." 

The other guy had started signing something, before it died on his hands as he processed that.

Mind wasn't expecting at all to be told he was wanted, let alone that he was smart and helped ground the guy. 

Some weight eased itself off of his shoulders, and he finally looked away from Gordon with such scrutiny. 

"... Thank you. This place is fucking insane," another pause, "doesn't surprise me that you need me here just to make sense of everything."

Gordon let out a wheeze. 

"Oh, it is fucking insane, I don't- the rest of the gang is exploring up ahead, but uh...yeah no. Today fucking sucks. And...I dunno what that skeleton was but- that noise and us shooting shit in the vents? Dude, I thought I was gonna throw up," He straight up laughed. "It- my ears are ringing still. And I'm still hearing weird fucking Russian."

Mind laughed, silently shaking before snapping his fingers again, a smile on his face.

"What is with the Russian?? I'm surprised I didn't throw up if I'm honest."

His expression dropped, and he looked down the vents to where the skeleton went.

"Did you kill it?"

“…I dunno, uh- the vent suddenly dropped off, into uh. Fan blades. Bubby fell in and didn’t get hurt, somehow,” Gordon said. “Uh, they all started to figure out how to get through when I realized you weren’t with us, so I came back here to see if you were okay.”

Mind paused, going over the words in his head.

It occurred to him that he hasn't tried to find a secondary motive or worry about any aliens spawning in beside them for a bit now. He didn't know how he felt about that.

"...Thank you."

“Oh- yeah, man, of course! I-I want us to get out, leaving you would be shitty, you don’t deserve that.” Gordon said, and then started feeling a bit of his Dad Mode instincts kick in again. “You feeling better? Need food? I have more uh, more chips.”

Mind smiled weakly, exhaustion from his breakdown still flooding his system. 

"I'm good for now. Don't think I could eat even if I wanted to. Finishing this water though." 

He picked up the bottle, tracing over the side of it.

“Good- good idea.” Gordon chuckled softly. “You uh, you do that. Then we can see if we can catch up with the team, alright? Or wait as long as you need.” 

He pauses, hesitant. 

“…Uh, there have been a few times where I’ve forgotten earplugs for heavier experiments, and uh. Got overstimulated and shut down, a-and I always locked myself in my office when that happened, cause I was…I didn’t want to be judged. So…I uh. I can kinda get…if you wanted to wait a bit longer. I-I’m pretty sure the Science Team is chill, I know for a fact Dr. Coomer is autistic- Bubby and Tommy haven’t told me themselves but they’re. I dunno. I don’t think they’ll be shitty. But we can still wait.”

Mind’s grip on the bottle tightened slightly, and he put it down again to sign.

"I'm not autistic. I just... Can't handle too much noise. And it isn't my fault that other people can't do things the right way."

If the only reason Gordon was being nice to him is because he thought he was Autistic, he didn't want it. He wasn't broken. He didn't know why his chest hurt at the thought of that. 

He looked away.

"I can move in just a second."

Gordon raised an eyebrow at that- it wasn’t in any offense, it was…well, it looked sorta like he doubted him, kind of a sure buddy, whatever you say expression. 

“Take your time, man. I don’t mind waiting.”

Bite, chomp, kill. Mind let it go, for now, not having the energy to argue. 

After another minute or so, he started to move, grabbing the bottle. He went to check for his gun as well, before realising it wasn't holstered, and looked around frantically, panic rising.

He spotted it close by Gordon, and practically lunged at the thing to put it back where it belongs. 

"Okay, now I'm ready."

Gordon gave him a smile, and with a grunt, he stood up, stretching. 

“Houghman, Alright, let’s-“ 

He was interrupted by footsteps, and turned around, noticing Bubby turn the corner. 

“Dead-end.” He grumbled, Dr. Coomer and Tommy following behind. 

“Huh!?” Gordon gestured. “Wh- why?! Really!? How big is this place!?”

...

TYSM FOR READING :3 SORRY IF IT'S A BIT MESSY, AGAIN THIS WAS ORIGINALLY AN RP BETWEEN ME AND @shineyfish !

[kiindr]

Hey I wanted to just kinda share my success story here because I think it's important for people to hear

Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts, self harm, eating disorder, being young, mild sexual harassment, anti-depressants, anxiety meds, and sedatives, toxic relationships ('romantic' but it was petty and short, so I'd say mostly friendships), and talking about therapy and mental hospitals.

- Just turned 15 recently (Present)

*FIRST YEAR*

- Was 11, in 6th grade, when covid hit hard

- Sister has mild disability in her legs so my family was extremely extremely cautious to not catch the 19 because viruses trigger it

- At this time my thoughts were as follows:

"Emotions make me weak"

"Crying is a sign that I'm not strong and confident"

"If I can just get rid of these god damn emotions I can manipulate and gaslight my way through life and be successful"

- I was so desperate for attention I would seek out negative attention. And not sexual negative attention or doing weird stuff... I mean I would sit in gaming chat rooms and tell people to insult me for hours.

- I didn't know crap about mental health at the time

*SECOND YEAR*

7th grade. 13. My lowest. God, so fucking low.

- Still desperately sought out negative attention. I was the weird girl and the pick-me girl in one. I was convinced that if I just brushed off every insult and wrongdoing to me, I'd be "chill" and "fun"

- Hang out with people that used me as entertainment when they were bored, yelling at me and degrading me and insulting me and the worst part is that I LIKED it because I was just so damn lonely

- Started dating some boy. He was 12 I was 13. We never really talked to each other. We were making out before he ever said he wanted to be my boyfriend.

- Soon he was pushy, and disgusting. He would dry hump me, rut against me, spit into my mouth, squeeze my throat...

- And I never said no. Because I was so scared of losing what I had convinced myself was someone who actually loved me.

- But when I tried to 'lightheartedly' protest, or struggle or try to get out of his grip, he would grab me and pin me down and no matter how much I tried to escape he would just force me not to move and he didn't ever actually penetrate me but dear lord that horny ass 12 year old boy had boners more often than not. I didn't tell anyone bc I was scared that they'd be mad that I didn't tell them sooner.

- Also went through a huge identity crisis. It wasn't because I was trans, it was because I wasn't allowing myself to be me so I didn't feel like ME and so I turned to the easy thing. At one point I was "Demiaro pan genderfluid trigender"... I'm just a cis lesbian though.

- My thoughts at this time are as follows:

"Oh."

"I don't care."

"Eh"

"It is what it is"

"I want to sleep"

"I wish I was sleeping right now"

"I can't be here, I have to go"

*SECOND PART OF SECOND YEAR, WORST TIME OF MY LIFE*

- I hate my body. I dont eat all day long. I don't eat lunch at school and told my friends I prefer to eat at home and at home told them the opposite.

- I can't take it one day and I cut myself with a dull old xacto knife.

-It's addictive. I've been punching myself for ages, but cutting is completely different. It made me feel like everything would be okay... for a few seconds... and then I'd look down and all there would be is blood and a rusty blade and a mark that will never be erased.

- I begin to feel suicidal. I think about how much easier it would be to just not exist. I sleep 24/7 so I dont have to be conscious

- I begin to throw up all my food to try to be skinnier

- I progress, I'm fantasizing about killing myself and I'm writing out 3rd person blurbs of me doing it. I drew it too. It was all that consumed my thoughts. It wasn't long until I couldnt trust myself at all to be alone for a minute.

- Living is just so hard. I couldn't describe it then, and I can't describe it now. There are simply no words that will begin to encompass the sheer delusional, wrenching, miserable agony of what that low low feels like. I am positively amazed at 13 year old me for every day she woke up and lived.

- Im missing 1-2 days of school every week. My grades drop, hard

- We try a new anxiety med with my therapist that is known to potentially cause suicidal thoughts. I see it as my chance

- In a month my parents are checking in with me, making sure I don't feel suicidal

- I kindly inform them that I, in fact, am. Very.

- I sleep in their bed at night. I silently get in and we turn the lights out and we all silently cry ourselves to sleep every night.

- I come foward about everything

- We switch meds, I'm getting treated for not OCD but now depression and the likes

- The biggest thing in my life was recovering. Every day I worked SO fucking hard to recover. Every time I opened my eyes in the morning, or put on clean clothes or went to school or took a shower or said hello to someone or finished my homework or ate something was a MASSIVE battle. It was so tiring. I was SO tired.

*THIRD YEAR*

- Over the summer, I'm able to continue to work on myself without worrying about school, it helps a ton.

-Come the school year I'm 6 months free of self harm, no longer suicidal, and eating healthy and balanced meals. I'm into fitness, as running became my coping mechanism for self harm urges (Because running is horrible 💀). I'm going to school almost all days and I'm dropping friends that were bad for me and open myself to new friends.

- It's still hard, I still struggle with my OCD and severe social anxiety, but the depression is so so much better.

- My birthday comes. I'm turning 14. It was so amazing... I was excited for it.

I was EXCITED FOR IT.

I CARED.

I was excited to see my family and I was excited to have a yummy dinner and I was excited to open Presents! I didn't feel like a burden or like gifts for me was a waste of money and my party a waste of time.

This happens at Christmas too. It's so hopeful for me.

- I dunk back into depression towards the end of the school year but resurface a few weeks into summer even better

- We take month long vacation where me and my lil sis have full access to the city and everything while my parents work in our camper. This was so impactful on my social anxiety. I was empowered by my independence.

*NOW*

- I've learned to set boundaries

- I have a healthy friend group with wonderful communication

- I feel HAPPY at least once every day (!) and I let myself cry and it feels so good to let it out and I let myself be sad or angry or dissapointed

- Im not afraid to ask for what I need (Okay well I'm afraid but I've learned to cope with that fear and do it anyway). People like me BETTER when I just ASK for water when I'm thirsty, or I just ask if I'm allowed to use their TV, or I just ask for some milk because Asian food is too powerful for me (😔).

- I have learned how to NOT give advice and just listen. I can hear someone's problems and not want to fix them.

- I have learned what I can and cannot control

So, in summary, I was just in the PITS and I am in awe of myself for my recovery but I am BETTER now. I feel GOOD.

The biggest piece of advice I have to anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts is to think about how PROUD future you will be of you for every day you hold on. Future you will try to give you hugs and comfort and they cant... not until you reach them. Future you is watching from above and sees your path to recovery but in the thick of it you can't see it. Future you is counting on you. Don't let them down. Just, hold on. They deserve a chance right?

(I'm sure this is littered with typos so I'm sorry about that, I don't have the energy to check right now, it's kinda late and I have to get up early)

♡

i love this!

i am so proud of you!

<3

[maligatorthealligator]

Yeah this was geared towards college (which is why I said "student help center" and "professor"). There are always reasonable accommodations to be made. You may not get them. That doesn't mean that they don't exist.

The purpose of a reasonable accommodation in a school setting is to allow you to perform to the degree that your average student would. If your grades are high. Then you don't actually need an accommodation to achieve a performance that your average student could achieve. If you can complete the work and complete it to a high degree then you don't need anything to be adjusted to achieve that goal.

This is part of the problem with school administrators at lower levels of education (it exists in higher education but not AS badly because you don't have to rely on adults to advocate for you. You ARE the adult who can advocate for yourself.). They're looking at accommodations as if they're exclusively to assist you in school (and technically they are because legally institutions are only required to provide accommodations for the experience they're specifically responsible for, but as we all know: struggling to achieve highly in school can wreck the external parts of your life) rather than the accommodation allowing you to perform life the average student in ALL of your life. You would have to prove that completing that goal is adding undue burden to you compared to the average student (losing out on time eating, or with family, or deteriorating mental/physical health). This is hard to provide evidence for when the only thing a school is looking at is academic performance like is true in middle and highschool. You have to rely on adults to push for you. To provide this evidence to the school and keep shoving until they get somewhere because all evidence of this is documented exclusively OUTSIDE of school.

In college, most students live on campus and most colleges collect information on how life it going outside of academics (do you go to activities, does your RA hear arguing with your roommates, do you show up to your dorm late/drunk/etc, are you using your meal plan, have you been talking to the student help center, going to the free tutoring, talking to the TA, talking to your advisor, etc.). They have more data about how all this shit is actually impacting you. There are still things they won't do without a diagnosis (don't want to get sued), but a lot of colleges are setup to help you get those diagnoses. This often makes getting accommodations easier in college.

You still have to push for it. You still have to jump through the hoops. Often times it still isn't easy (partially because sometimes what someone needs isn't a reasonable accommodation, but actual meds because 15-30 extra minutes can't do what chemical assistance can and it never will), but it easier and more common than in middle and high school.

And if course sometimes a reasonable accommodation for you might hinder the experience for someone else. These things can be in conflict (like if you verbally stim a reasonable accommodation is most likely to be distance learning because you are disrupting the audible landscape. In some classrooms the verbal stimming may not be an issue! Other students may not be bothered. In others, there may be students who have a hard time focusing and the verbal stimming pulls their attention away. Your service dog may be terrifying to someone so the seating arrangement may have to be adjusted. Compromise often has to happen in social settings.). Which is of course why it has to be a "reasonable" accommodation.

But the point is: yeah the system requires too much of the burden of proof to be on individual students who already NEED help and often those individuals get denied accommodations because they are literal children who can't advocate for themselves and the school is only looking at the impact IN A SCHOOL SETTING. Which. Hurts a lot of people.

And sometimes schools don't have the staffing to adequately provide an accommodation which is admittedly a different, though related issue.

An ex-colleague of mine was complaining to me the other day about the ai problem in her students' papers, and I told her, "Just make your students hand-write them in class. Easy." She looked at me like I was insane and tried to explain how that would never work, but I just said,"That's how we did it for a thousand years. The invention of word processors doesn't erase all that."

To me it seems obvious. Readings are done out of class, handwritten essays are done within it. No more ai papers.

[nicekaylee]

july fucking 31st

it's 2 am

after the show i said fuck all of THIS

and went on a fucking vacation. and getting therapy

and it's been going pretty sick, therapy not started. but anyways thats a write up for another day. im just going to talk about something specific that happened today.. im so pissed, and heartbroken.

CONTEXT

in my past 3 years of wasting my life on this god damn album, someone i knew a bit lit up my life in the last year,2022. this girl. the way she dresses just opened up a new sense of inspiration for me that ive never had before. so i get to know her a bit more once we hang out, and then i get to know how similar our interest in things are. we talk on the phone, and it's really nice. i knew after my birthday that this girl was someone special to me. and even though she's inspiration, i wanted to know i wanted to be there to care for her and be a closer companion, especially after knowing her past history and how i feel like she may have not felt that. fast forward 10 fucking months and im no where closer. in fact, even further away. i bet this girl doesn't think about me at all. and i'm just confused cause she barely shows any emotion at all. like one of the hardest people to understand, yet im still so invested. but it's getting very one sided. I got very depressed after my birthday, and then super focused on my album so i had little social life.. if any at all. not one message of empathy from her.. a couple of times seeing her, but never alone.. but whatever that's not the real point of the story. that was all just context. THE REAL STORY

so it's july 2023 i can't look at her as a friend, cause i have too many feelings. we talk minimally but theres a group chat thats kinda our saving grace. and just recently, she started med school in galveston. fuck. during my vacation, i'm trying to enjoy my life more. ive always wanted to wait till after my album is done, where i feel like my life will be easier, but now a days im thinking.. fuck that. i'm tired of waiting to be in the right time of my life because i can't bottle these feelings any longer. like fr this shit is bothering me so much. i'm getting older and just wishing and having this crush with no substance makes no sense.

so i need to tell her asap.

i wanted to see her in galveston. somehow ended up into a group friend thing to visit her in galveston, then her mom shut that down.

because she is in the most complicated situation literally not meant for dating at all. no car, mom takes her everywhere, curfew as fuck,her mom doesnt even want her around guys, what the actual fuck. but fuck it, she makes time to hang out in houston..for like 2 hours.. but i appreciate it honestly i understand her life situation.

TODAY she pulls up to my friends house with her brother cause her moms a freak about her going out. it's another group hangout. how tf am i gonna tell her my feelings?? anyways,

i mention i went to galveston and she seems UPSET THAT I DIDNT TELL HER?? CAUSE SHE COULDA MADE A WAY TO SEE ME..

NOW SHE WANTS TO SEE ME? WTF. idk dude it's so hard to understand her. so that was some good insight. but it's the past so whatever..

we play mario party on the switch. finish and it's about time to go. i whip out a surprise bag with gifts i wanted to treat my 2 other friends and her with! snacks for one, a fork for another, and i got her these super cute pens. she seemed to like them! she then says i didn't have to get this cause she knows im broke. WTF. honestly, shit was funny. idc but then she starts talking to me or us about some more details of her school life. she seems to always looks at me more. like most of the time. i LOVE that, but i have no clue how basic that is for her. she tells me shes finally gonna start her dream cover band, which is sick, love to hear that. someone said i should do a cover band.. i made a face and was going to say i actually do plan on it--

THEN SHE FUCKING CUTS ME OFF. AND FUCKING SAYS I SHOULD MAKE CUTE JINGLES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND(S)?? LIKE HALLMARK CARDS w pretty messages and simple JINGLES?? .....WHAT THE FUCK...

im staring at her like about to fucking lose my mind... cause i want to do that FOR HER. i almost impulsivey confess everything i feel to her. but everyone was right around me, her brother too. and i didn't know if it would be bad for her brother to hear..and have him spread info to her mom ..which will fuck her over more. i didn't wanna do that. so i just calmed down and played dumb. she left and said it's gonna be a long time till she'll see us again. what the fuck. im so mad. my friends said i shoulda just told her right there.. but idk it was so much random pressure and i wanted to be courteous and not fuck her over..

but jesus fucking christ im so mad. or some other word to describe how riled up that got me. this woman needs to know how i feel. i actually dont give a fuck anymore. im a grown dude and that annoys me that this is all weird puzzle solving teenage shit. cause if she was hinting, fuck her so im going to galveston this wednesday. giving her A SPECIAL hallmark card with a beautiful art of her and a BEAUTIFUL SONG only for her. not for OTHER girlfriends.. FOR HER. she is the one i want to make these things for . she needs to know shes the one i care about. before some asshole gets to her in galveston. honestly i actually dont care. i just wanna make sure she knows how special she is to me. that'll give me peace of mind. and she says no, then honestly im okay. anyways im doing it. wednesday. cant bottle this in anymore. i really hope she lets me see her man. i just want to let her know how special she is to me. it'll hurt my heart knowing if i never did anything. and maybe she'll share something loving as well

maybe

[martyrbat]

martyrtodd, my beloved, I see your disability takes and as someone who is physically and mentally disabled I appreciate them and hold them close to my heart.

I humbly ask for some disabled Jason headcanons

goosey my beloved <3 im so glad you're enjoying them and i offer mere samples on how far deep the disabled jason todd rabbit hole can go <3

im mixing in some that he should just canonly have and personal hcs (plus a bit of self projection) but hopefully you'll like any of these too :3

schizoaffective disorder

more prone to mania outbursts

can be extremely delusional

paranoia and anxiety -> isolating

psychosis

(lots of people give him hallucinations due to his ptsd but i think he experiences a range of it and in different levels of intrusiveness!)

(and fun fact, children under 16 who experienced trauma are more than 3x likely to have psychosis as an adult! up to 50x if its severe!)

autistic

literally just a given. look at him. autism coded.

deaf/hard of hearing

always had poor hearing

fast visual learner because of it

has multiple pairs of hearing aids he wore as robin to "keep his identity secret"

bruce taught him asl

batman and robin used a lot of nonverbal cues and their own version of sign language on patrol too. (batman teaches it to the others when hes gone and jason cries)

as a kid he had a gun shot near him & developed tinnitus

^ only worsened as time went on

it gets overbearing after he comes back to life due to the beating he received and literally dying in an explosion

it continued until he got Lazarus Pitted. but that ringing was replaced with silence & most of his hearing fully gone

gains more due to close proximity with firearms and explosions constantly

terrifies him as his hearing loss got worse.

like full on sobbing terrifies.

he spent his entire life relying on his senses and wayne techs always improving technology to keep himself and others safe. with that fully removed it leaves him feeling vulnerable

'how will i know if im alone? if someone is sneaking up on me or im being too loud? if someone is screaning for help just out of eyesight?'

so much fear !

but! he grows to accept it and use it to his advantage and

helmet rigged to have sensors that alert him of almost anything around him

and so sensitive to the vibration of any sound to where he can pinpoint anyone

will close his eyes/remove his hearing aids when arguing so he doesnt 'hear' them

really into heavier music for the bass and drum vibration

fully deaf by the time he reaches his 30s

speech

(this one can be effected by all but)

severe speech delay as a child

repeated lines/quotes mostly to express his feelings because he's autistic and its easier than coming up with the words yourself

semi nonverbal

damaged vocal cords, gets hoarsed easily/painful to talk for too long

stims by clicking his tongue against his teeth

^^ became a tic !

chronic pain

a given for anyone but especially jason

from the streets and not being able to afford a doctor

to as robin and the injuries he received

to dying

to being forcefully brought back to life

to the Lazarus Pit

just so much pain. he cant remember a time he wasnt in pain. its the one thing that'll always be consistent no matter what.

chronic migraine haver, u can tell

talia tries her best to help ease it and make sure he has meds/the fake id and doctor to keep his prescriptions

his shoulder, head, and hips get the worse flares

would push himself as robin too much and made it worse

allows his body the rest as an adult, using that time to do his scheming and think of every detail/possible route in it

misc.

had NAS

picks at his skin if overstressed

being poor can and will make your health worse. from stress to not being able to get the help you need and something small becoming chronic or permanent

extreme fatigue

so many burns and damaged nerve tissue :(

i think about that one batwoman comic where he lost an eye in a future timeline constantly

OCD

periodically gets bad tremors in his hands

again. so fucking autistic coded.

[therealvinelle]

Ok I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm just now copying your Norwegian Bella AU into a text translator, and if you don't already have 50 people in your inbox demanding a translation then shame on ALL OF US because this is glorious! And while Google Translate does have a certain charm (it translated "piper hun ut" as "she beeps") I'm curious to see how you'd put it in English.

Troquantary is referring to this post. In which Bella doesn't speak English.

Fun fact, you're the only one who's gone into my inbox to request this. I was so sad, had the translation half-written and everything, but I was too proud to beg. So thank you, Troquantary, for popping this ask.

As for the dictionary fuckups, sounds about right. I made a few typos, too, that made Google Translate suffer even more. (Such as managing to mix up "henne" (her) and "hendene" (hands), resulting in Aro patting Bella instead of clapping his hands. Poor Google.)

Also, there are a few cultural references and language things that would be lost in the translation, in an attempt to keep them I included notes clarifying things.

Some things, like Aro and Carlisle's very old man way of speaking, are easier said than done to translate, you'll have to bear with me there.

Additional notes are that I added a few things to this version, many of them because translating is hard, but a few because while translating I thought "oh you know what would be much funnier-" and then wrote that.

Alright, without further ado:

When Renée left Charlie she did not go to Florida, she went to Oslo. And she went all in to make her daughter a true Norwegian, hiring Norwegian nannies and making sure never to speak English around the child. Since transatlantic flights are expensive, little Bella Swan rarely got to visit her father, and as such she never did learn what should have been her native language.

She quickly forgot what English she did have in favor of Norwegian, with the exception of words like “Yes”, “No”, and “I’m Bella”.

The few trips she took to visit her father were all the more awkward than in canon since she couldn’t play with the Black kids. Let not the blame fall upon Charlie: he took Norwegian classes and speaks conversational Norwegian. He can’t speak to Renée, because her Norwenglish is incomprehensible even to Norwegians, but he can communicate with Bella.

Not that he’s had a lot of chances to do so.

Bella makes it to seventeen years old, she’s in second grade at Handels* and is a major outsider among the preps there, and then Renée marries a handsome skier**. Together they shall travel the continent all winter to participate in as many skiing races as they can, and in the summer they’ll take gigs at Hurtigruta to see the coast.

*“Handels” is the nickname for an Oslo high school infamous for its pupils being rich and beautiful blonds who are going to be CEOs when they grow up.

**Skiing as a sport is huge in Norway

***Hurtigruta is a famous ferry that travels across the Norwegian West coast

Bella, who sucks at skiing and is too young to work at Hurtigruten, takes the hint.

With dread in her stomach and dictionary in hand she goes to her father in America.

Where she doesn’t speak the language.

Faen.

Charlie gives her a car, and I wish this meta was set in the present because I could have joked about electric cars and the automat only driver’s license*, but Twilight is set in 2005 so I can’t. The car part proceeds without drama.

*An increasing number of Norwegian youth take the driver’s license for automatic cars only, and we’re the country in the world with the highest percentage of electric car purchases.

School is worse than in canon, because she is now a thousand times more sensational than if she was merely the new student. She is from another country! All of Forks keels over with excitement.

To make matters even worse, our girl doesn’t understand a word of what people are saying.

She is too awkward to let them know she doesn’t know English. It’d become a thing, and they might think she’s dumb. To be fair, it’s not good that she’s been through primary, secondary, and now a year and a half of high school and still sucks at English.

So she nods, smiles, mumbles “Hi, I’m Bella” to the new faces, and blushes heavily when anybody says anything.

People assume she’s shy. That’s a bit boring, but oh well.

She has her biology class with the redhead hottie she noticed during lunch. She watched him and his family, they were fascinatingly pretty, but she doesn’t know anything more about them. Sure would have been great if she could have asked the tiny girl (was it Jess?) about them.

Biology proceeds as in canon - Edward badly wants to eat the delicious girl, but fortunately doesn’t.

She runs into him in the office when he tries to switch to another biology lesson, but she has no idea what he’s saying so she only has the suspicion that this somehow concerns her. Which is still uncomfortable, but Bella is probably the problem here. The hottie surely can’t be.

He’s missing from school for a week, Bella finds that weird.

He returns, and to her great horror he starts talking to her.

“Hello”, he says.

Bella dies inside. He’s too handsome!

"I'm Edward Cullen," he continues, and ok, she got that. The hottie is called Edward, that’s good to know. She’s not sure she caught that last name, though, Köln?

He says something else, it’s gibberish to Bella even though she’s concentrating, and at the end there he says “Bella Swan”.

She gulps.

"I'm Bella Swan," she confirms and nods. That should be correct. God, she hopes it’s correct.

He smiles a crooked, boyish smile. She’s awed. She didn’t think it was possible to be so beautiful.

He says something else.

Bella didn’t catch it.

She blushes even harder, she hasn’t been more embarrassed in her life. Here he is, the most handsome guy in all the world, and she has nothing to say to him. Literally, they don’t speak the same language.

She should tell him.

It’s one thing to chicken out of telling the town she doesn’t speak English, but there’s something different about Edward Cullen. He deserves the truth.

But...

He’s the most beautiful person she has seen in her life. He is American, too, so the odds of him knowing Norwegian are microscopical. If he finds out she doesn’t understand a word he says he’ll stop talking to her, and selfish as she is she doesn’t want that.

So with a slightly guilty conscience (but not enough to fess up) she contributes to the conversation with enough words and smiles to pull through. "Yes", "No", "Thank you", and "That's nice".

He is surprised by several of these answers, but instead of giving her odd looks and losing interest he grows more invested in the conversation.

Class ends.

The next day the near accident happens, and he saves her. She is stunned - dear god, did he just pick up a whole car? After teleporting across the parking lot..?

Soon she’s in the ER, and more than a little bit stressed about that fact since she knows the Americans have a terrible healthcare system.

She hopes Charlie has an insurance.

An insanely beautiful man walks into the ER, and Bella is shocked. He is just as handsome as Edward and Edward’s lunch friends!

He introduces himself as Carlisle Cullen, and Bella can only assume this is someone’s older brother. Possibly related to the blonde girl.

He smiles at her, says something, and she answers, "I'm Bella Swan."

He frowns.

That must have been the wrong answer, then.

His hands return to investigating her scalp, and to her great surprise he switches to perfect Norwegian, "kjenner De* noe ubehag når jeg holder her?" Do you feel any discomfort when I touch here?

*De is the Norwegian polite pronoun for “you”. Du = thou = the French tu, and De = you = the French vous. These polite pronouns went out of use in the 1980’s, save for when addressing royal persons, and would be considered antiquated in 2005.

He hurries to add, "Norsk lærte jeg i... fjor sommer. Det var et nettkurs." I learned Norwegian… last year. Online class.

"Hvilket da?" Which one? Bella asks, because Charlie needs to hear about this. The doctor has beautiful, if slightly outdated, pronunciation.

The doctor’s smile turns uncertain. She gets the feeling there’s something he doesn’t want to say. "Husker ikke," I don’t remember, sier han etter en litt vel lang pause.

That’s a shame. And weird.

"De hadde hellet med Dem i dag, som ikke ble truffet av den bilen." You were lucky today, not getting hit by that car. he then says, noticeably changing the subject.

"Det var ikke hell, det var Edward," It wasn’t luck, it was Edward, she replies sharply.

The doctor definitely looks uncomfortable.

She continues, "Han krysset skolegården på et blunk, og plukket opp hele bilen. Jeg så det," He crossed the schoolyard in a moment, and picked up the whole car. I saw it,

The doctor laughs. "Om han kunne det hadde nok gymkarakteren hans vært meget bedre. Nei, frøken Swan*, jeg beklager å si at det høres ut som at De er litt omtåket. Det er helt normalt ved hjernerystelse." If he could do that, his PE grade would be a lot better. No, Miss Swan, I’m sorry to say you seem confused. That’s normal with concussions.

*Addressing a young woman as “frøken” is even more outdated than using polite pronouns.

Why does Bella get the feeling he’s lying?

She’s discharged.

We’ll jump ahead to her trip to La Push - that trip uneventful, since Jacob knows she doesn’t speak English. They stick their hands in their pockets and stare at the sea.

The next day she’s shanghaied to Port Angeles, because apparently she said “Yes” at the wrong time when talking to Jessica (Turns out Jess’s name was Jessica!) and accidentally said yes to a day trip to Port Angeles.

Like in canon she wanders away from the others, and as in canon she is nearly gang raped. And again as in canon she is saved at the last moment by Edward.

He buys her dinner, and she can’t believe her own luck- and misfortune. A date with the most handsome guy on the planet (hence the luck) and she can’t say a word to him (hence the misfortune)!

He says things to her, lends her his jacket, and really this is it for Bella, she’s peaked, life can’t get better than this.

(That’s a lie, it would be better if she spoke English.)

He’s so amazing.

She’s gotten pretty good at navigating conversations with him, so she nods and aha’s her way through.

In his car on the way home the tone takes a more serious turn.

He asks her about something, and it’s a serious question, that much she’s gathered. She answers in the confirmative.

He is silent.

Did she say anything wrong?

(Edward, on his end, just asked if she knows what he is. She said yes, so calmly, not even a trace of fear in her.)

A few days later he takes her out on a walk in the woods.

He shows her a meadow in the woods, and when he steps into it he lights up in the sunlight.

Bella is in shock.

She knew there was something different about him, but- holy cow. This guy isn’t human.

Is she dating a god?

She stumbles into the clearing after him, and they spend a day together where he says things, and she can barely hear any of it (nevermind understand it) because she’s so distracted by how pretty he is.

The next day he takes her to a house in the middle of nowhere. She doesn’t want to guess that this can be where he lives. Surely gods don’t live in houses?

He shows her inside the house, and introduces her for Dr. Cullen and a lady with a name she doesn’t catch.

Bit weird that these two are acting like a couple of parents, they’re far too young and divine for that.

Edward shows her around in an old-fashioned office, and she doesn’t know what to make of i when she sees a painting of Carlisle. Edward launches into a long story when he sees her watching it, unfortunately she doesn’t catch any dates or artist names. At one point she heard the word “suicide”, though, and that’s not good.

She doesn’t get much out of the story.

The baseball game doesn’t happen because Bella didn’t pick up on what Edward wanted and didn’t realize she was being invited to a thing. They spend the afternoon watching a movie instead.

The relationship continues, impeded slightly by communication problems, but she’s mostly able to cover those up.

Until her birthday comes around.

She gets a papercut.

Jasper lunges at her. Edward throws her into a glass table, and then everyone is leaving.

Carlisle is kind enough to switch to Norwegian when he’s stitching up her arm, perhaps remembering the last time she was his patient. "Jasper har ikke vært på dietten vår så veldig lenge." Jasper hasn’t been on our diet for very long.

"Diett?"she asks. She’s never seen Edward eat anything. She wasn’t clear on what the Cullens ate, honestly she thought they were above such things. She was thinking maybe photosynthesis. The knowledge that they apparently eat food astounds her, but diets?

"Dyreblod istedenfor menneskeblod," Animal blood in stead of human blood, Carlisle clarifies.

Whachasay?

Carlisle gives a slight smile. “Jaspers liv som vampyr fikk en brutal start." Jasper’s life as a vampire got off to a brutal start.

...

Vampire?!

Bella’s missed something here.

Oh dear lord, oh fy faen, she has missed something.

“Åja”, uh huh, is all she can say, and suddenly she’s very aware of the fact that she’s sitting there with a bleeding arm.

And Carlisle.

Who is a vampire.

Over the course of the following conversation Bella makes a host of discoveries.

Edward has been a vampire this whole time, and he’s a telepathic vampire. Whether Bella should be a vampire too or not has been a matter of hot debate, but due to religious reasons Edward doesn’t want that.

Carlisle also brings up how Edward died of the Spanish flu.

"Jeg var under den oppfatning at Edward fortalte deg bakhistorien min?" I was under the impression Edward told you my back story? Carlisle asks at one point, and Bella just has to ask very nicely if he’d be so kind as to repeat it.

Turns out the guy is nearly four hundred years old.

Jaha.

Jahahaha jaa ha.

That’s… a lot.

She wanders out of the house in shock, and hardly notices Edward’s strange behavior over the next couple of days.

One day he picks her up at school, and takes her behind the house.

That works out.

He’s a vampire, but he never hurt her. He is endlessly beautiful, perhaps easier to love now that she knows he’s not a god. He’s her Edward, and that’s suddenly easier now that she knows.

They can still be together.

But now that she knows this about him, it’s about time he knows something about her as well.

It’s time to finally be honest with him.

So when he opens his mouth, she opens her mouth as well, but she doesn’t get any further than to “Edward-” before he launches into a monologue.

She’ll have to wait until he’s done before saying her piece. It’s a bit embarrassing, but it doesn’t seem like he intends to stop talking anyway.

And what he’s saying seems to be serious, so it’s probably best to let him finish.

Edward concludes his monologue by kissing her forehead. Then he disappears.

Where did he go?

A big unsure, Bella goes back to the house. She’ll just have to wait until he gets back.

She doesn’t know what to think when Charlie returns from work and tells her the Cullens have all left.

Oh, god.

Edward must have found out she doesn’t speak English.

She made a mockery of him.

He has every right to leave.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to live with.

Bella sinks into a depression.

The hallucinations begin, as in canon, though Hallusinward speaks Norwegian. Thank god for small mercies.

The friendship with Jacob (dictionary in hand) blooms, as someone has to help her see those hallucinations.

The cliff diving happens, and Alice shows up. Bella’s not sure what this is about, but she has gotten good enough at English to know that something bad happened, and Alice wants them to do something.

She’s a bit surprised to find herself on a plane to Italy, though.

Alice tells her to “Run to Edward” and ok, she got that, actually.

So she saves Edward.

After that she’s taken into the sewer, which turns out to house dozens of vampires.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are received in some kind of hall, where an unusual vampire has quite a bit to say. She understands some of what he’s saying, at least the part about “la tua cantante”. She knows a bit about Italian, see, so she knows that he’s talking about a song now.

She wishes she knew the context.

At one point he takes her hand, and appears fascinated by it. She wonders if he’s a palmreader. Not very vampirey, but what does she know.

He asks her a question.

"Yes," she says.

Saying yes has gotten her this far, after all.

But when he lights up and claps his hands together, and Edward and Alice stare at her in shock and betrayal, she knows she must have said the wrong thing.

The two are dismissed from the room before Bella can do or say anything, she’s just listening to Edward make a racket outside in the hallway.

Not good.

The unusual vampire brings her further down in his sewer palace to a basement, and she is given comfortable clothes to wear.

This is getting terrifying.

The vampire leans towards her - and she chickens out.

"Jeg snakker ikke engelsk!" she squeaks. "Non habla ingles!" I don’t speak English.

Han stanser, og ser forvirret ut. "Que- Hva behager*?" I beg your pardon? spør han etter et øyeblikk.

*A very formal, and slightly outdated (you can use it, but people will think you’re putting on airs. And they will be right) way of saying “excuse me?”

Sobbing, Bella tells him the whole story, from how she didn’t want to be the weird kid in school to how she’s now somehow in Italy without knowing why nor what she just agreed to.

When she’s done the vampire starts laughing.

"Dette forklarer jo en hel del," This explains quite a bit, ler han. "Men, kjære Bella, jeg er redd det ikke endrer noe." But, my dear Bella, I’m afraid it changes nothing.

He tells her that she has agreed to serve him and his army of undead warriors into eternity.

Well fuck.

"Du skal få slippe det, når du ikke visste hva du samtykket til - men skjebnen din forblir den samme. Loven er loven." You’re released from that promise, as you didn’t know what you agreed to - but your fate remains the same. The law is the law.

After a moment of silence, during which she looks terrified, he hurries to add, "Vi har en lov. Du må bli en av oss." We have a law. You must become one of us.

A law that Bella Swan has to become a vampire?

People are finally speaking Norwegian, and Bella is still lost. And it’s too embarrassing to keep pestering this poor, polite man with questions.

So she nods.

He gives her a glittering smile, and bites her.

When she wakes, Aro offers her an English course. A language course that, naturally, leads to her staying in Volterra. Why not learn a few more languages while we’re at it, dearest Bella?

Some time later Edward breaks into Volterra to save his Rapunzel, only to barely recognize her now that she’s a vampire who says things. Lots of things, she talks all the time now. WHAT DID ARO DO TO HER.

Too mortified to admit that she never spoke English, Bella claims she’s been brainwashed.

Aro is having too much fun to correct her, and the whole sad affair sets off a regrettable flood of rumors.

[finalrestingplace]

i’m gonna need to be really well-informed before i go on this journey, and the best preparation i can have is from real peoples lived experiences. i have some questions, kind people in the tags… (readmore because long… but not too long hopefully… i have split it up to make it easier to read i hope btw)

what adhd meds do you take and how long did they take before you felt better, could accomplish things instead of nothing?

that’s my only goal, i can’t do ANYTHING- from work, to talking… mundane to fun… you know how it is 😔

i know i shouldn’t think those phrases like “i just want to be normal” …but you know what i mean right?

i feel like i’ve let it get to this point of nothingness and i shouldn’t have. i need to fight it but i need the tools.

(i hope it’s clear but i wanna do not just meds, but also another help at the same time, idk how it’s called, like… working skills therapy? idk the right words!)

also, the most important thing i need to know is the worst side effects.

what was unexpected, what are the downsides you found vs the greatest positives?

i want to hear all sides, from “life-changing, it was the answer” to “not worth it, terrible”. just looking it up or asking a doctor will not cut it for me. i need to KNOW know!!

i’m not so depressed generally these days but i got really interested in medication when i found out years ago depression can be helped with adhd meds. so if you have experience particularly with both, i’d REALLY like to hear from you!

i’ve been on 3 different SSRIs before and two made me worse, one did absolutely nothing. yes i was on them for long enough to take effect. i never want to do antidepressants ever again.

uh, sidenote on that: comorbidities. if you have experiences with adhd plus psychosis/schizo spectrum/debilitating obsessive compulsive intrusive type thoughts and that torturous lack of control (ocd but not only that, i know ocd is not the only condition involving unwanted thoughts etc), i would EXTRA especially love to talk.

i really hate to talk about (treating) my problems and it takes a lot for me to be open online, but the last time i openly asked for answers about a problem i have i unexpectedly found a big help for myself-

(i was making a post addressing people with me/cfs and getting help for that condition which i have; found out on a kind of related experimental side quest that i’m gluten intolerant! made adjustments and helped myself SO much when i would have never guessed at it on my own! it was great :) not a cure of course just a big improvement. just an example)

thank you very much in advance for responses! i do see the irony in talking a lot in a long post when we have a small attention span heheh

[sincerelyourswhistledown]

Alright folks I think it’s time, and excuse me for my awful grammar I am currently high off my meds, for us to discuss what kind of yanderes the Bridgertons would be.

Yes! We are taking a darker turn for our beloved Bridgertons.

I’ll go first, I think Colin’s the manipulative kind of yandere. It’s HC that he’s naturally the most charming Bridgerton and I can definitely see him use this to his advantage to avoid raising any suspicions from the Ton. Whether he uses it with his family or they’re all yanderes and they just find it normal for him to be like that is completely up to you folks. However, I can see how Penelope can easily fall for his sneaky ass.

Think about it, Colin knowing all this time that Penelope has a crush on him and thrives on her attention. He doesn’t like her back, no, (or he doesn’t think he does) and only uses her for validation because yes he can be a narcissistic bitch. So he spends years stringing her up, he knows what he’s doing, he can see how she stutters when he smiles at her the right way. Or when her eyes become a bit more tender when she looks up at him every time he seeks her out. He doesn’t think it’s wrong to get her hopes up, he finds it thrilling and for him he was doing her a favour for giving her a bit of his time. So for him, it’s a win-win. He gets some fun and attention out of this—until he meets ‘The One’, because ofc that’s going to be like a thing for all the yandere Bridgertons, finding ‘The One’— and she gets to live out some of her childish fantasies.

Then Penelope hears the ‘I am certainly not going to marry Penelope Featherington’ conversation between the Bridgerton Brothers and her rose tinted glasses come off. She’s hurt, devastated in fact, but then she realises he never ever saw her like that. He probably only saw her as his younger sister’s best friend, another younger sister if you must, and he never actually made any indication he actually liked LIKED her. Painful as it is, she then realises how foolish she was and decides to grow up and move on from her silly childhood crush. She still likes him, yes, but she knows it will never be and stops overanalysing every single thing Colin Bridgerton does and says. It’s disconcerting at first but it’s also kind of freeing. She finds herself more relaxed and her conversations with Colin and every Bridgerton comes easier now. With no pressure of pleasing the Bridgertons for the sake of keeping their approval, she finds that she really doesn’t mind voicing out her opinions and not forcing herself to converse with them. This ,unbeknownst to Penelope, gains the Bridgertons’ respect but maybe not so much for a certain clueless himbo.

He doesn’t understand why he feels so irritated when Penelope no longer gazes up at him with lovesick eyes or why he feels jealous when she no longer stops a conversation with one of his siblings to talk to him. All he knows is that everyone is taking away his “Pen time” and family or not, this has got to stop.

Of course, in his usual Colin “is a certified himbo” Bridgerton fashion, he doesn’t realise that he’s actually found “The One” until Pen’s realisation. Now, Colin Bridgerton is a man on a mission.

Unfortunately for him, Penelope has already done some growing up and isn’t as easy to manipulate like before. Colin doesn’t mind because of course his future wife and the love of his life was intelligent like that, so he ups his charms instead. He takes his time, he tries to rebuild their friendship, he hogs her attention under the guise of making it up to her. And he can see it work, the stuttering comes back—though not as bad as it was before but he’ll take it—and her eyes become tender when she looks at him again. Penelope thinks it’s because they finally know each other’s real selves, Colin knows it’s because he’s caught her in his trap again. Penelope might think she’s grown but he’s spent a much longer time manipulating and playing with people for his own gains.

Then he finds out about the Lady Whistledown thing and he falls even more in “love”.

Not only was his future wife intelligent, she was brilliant too. He believes that he and Penelope couldn’t be more compatible than they are now, both intelligent people who use their words to manipulate the Ton. This was also more leverage on Penelope should she decide to leave him. The carriage scene still happens but they definitely go all the way and he uses it to get them married as soon as possible, he refused to waste any more time and allow Penelope to regain her bearings and rethink his marriage proposal.

There’s no Lady Whistledown reveal, Cressida Cowper is silenced in a more brutal manner, and the popular columnist stays in business for a few more years. If the columns had more of his opinions than usual then it was no one’s business but his and his wife’s. They stay married and blissfully in love for the rest of their days, with Penelope none the wiser about what and who her husband really is.

He doesn’t think anything’s wrong with it. He and Penelope are in love. Compared to Anthony’s corporal punishments to subdue his snarky and bullheaded wife and Benedict’s forced isolation in the countryside, he thinks he’s done a pretty clean job of keeping his “The One”.

If it meant keeping those rose tinted glasses on Penelope and twisting things to his own benefit then so be it.

[dreamwritesimagines]

Twisted 28 - Sunlight [Spencer Reid x Reader]

A.N.: Thank you so much for your wonderful support my loves! Here’s the next chapter, I hope you will like it as well, and please let me know what you think of it! ❤❤ Ily, kisses! ❤❤❤

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Murder, serial killers, violence, manipulation, mentions of sex, drinking, smoking, hospitals, medicine.

Word Count: 4400

Summary: Survival makes people stronger.

Everyone’s voices were so muffled that for a moment it felt as if you were under water. It came and went just like the warmth, just like the comfort—

One moment there, the other moment far away, and anytime you tried to reach through that haze, you were pushed back into the numbness.

You could swear at some point your father was there too. You were still at the cabin, in that dress, sitting across from him by the chessboard, and then back at the weekend house where your sister was chasing you around the piano, your mother calling out for you to stop running, then someone pushing you into the lake by the cabin before it changed again and your father handed you a knife.

If this is hell, I’d like to talk to the manager.

But eventually, it all came back to you. There was this heaviness on your hand, your chest and ribs hurt terribly and your forehead kept stinging as you tried to open your eyes to meet the bright lights of the hospital room.

Ah. You weren’t in the woods anymore.

You had made it after all.

The constant beeping of the machine caught your attention for a moment before you looked down to see Spencer’s head resting on your hand, his fingers entwined with yours. Your mother was by the couch, her eyes fixed on the ceiling with a crumpled tissue in her hand and Mina was resting her head on her shoulder.

“Mom?” you rasped out and your mother’s eyes whipped to yours, Mina sat up and Spencer’s head shot up.

“Oh thank God!” your mother jumped out of her seat to come to your beside and pressed a kiss on top of your head, making you wince. “Oh thank God you’re okay…”

“Hey,” Mina wiped at her eyes and cleared her throat, “Welcome back brat.”

You smiled and turned to Spencer who was still holding your hand tight, watching you with bloodshot eyes.

“I know,” you said, “No eyeliner right?”

A small sob mixed with laughter rose from his throat and he pressed your hand to his lips, swallowing thickly.

“Hi.”

“Hey professor,” you tried to smile but you were in too much pain to do so, “Is there like…a morphine button or-?”

“I’ll go get the doctor,” Mina rushed out of the room and closed the door behind her, and your mother pulled back.

“How do you feel honey?”

“Like I crawled out of hell,” you said, “Is- is everyone okay?”

“Everyone is fine.”

“Where’s Lily?”

“With Kenzie and Nolan, outside.”

You let out a breath and turned to Spencer.

“You figured it out?” you asked, “The note?”

“Ophelia, yeah,” he sniffled and nodded fervently, “Cabin by the lake, we were on our way there when—” he stopped talking as if remembering it was way too heavy on him and you squeezed his hand.

“How did I….” you looked between them, “Survive? Erica shot me.”

“The helicopter,” your mother said, “We sent it with a medic and a sniper just in case.”

“You sent a helicopter with a medic and a sniper?” you repeated, “Mom, that sounds like a joke.”

“Well I’m glad you find it funny,” your mother wiped at her eyes again, “Because you’re grounded for the rest of your life.”

“Okay,” you shot a look at Spencer, “Ignore this.”

“No, not even your boyfriend can help you right now.”

“They still like you, no worries,” you explained and he shook his head slightly, reaching out to touch your cheek as if trying to prove to himself that you were real.

“I thought—“ he started and blinked back the tears, gritting his teeth and you rubbed your thumb over his hand.

“I’m fine,” you said and lifted your head when the thought hit you, “Wait what happened to Lincoln?”

A shadow crossed Spencer’s eyes and your mother flexed her fingers as if she wanted to throttle someone upon hearing his name.

“That monster is currently handcuffed to a hospital bed,” she said, “But not to worry, we put ten guards in front of his door, and I will make sure to ruin his life myself.”

“He survived?”

“Barely,” Spencer said through his teeth but before he could say anything else, the door opened and a doctor stepped in. Even you could hear Lily’s very loud protests, Kenzie trying to shush her and you smiled slightly before turning to the doctor who was checking the file in her hand.

“Hello Y/N,” she said cheerfully “Nice to see you awake, for a moment you had me worried we wouldn’t get to meet. So, we have head trauma, a bullet wound, broken ribs and blood loss. Were you trying to fill out a bingo of dangerous injuries or…?”

“Go big or go home doc,” you nodded and she raised her brows.

“Should I put in a psychiatric evaluation in here as well then?”

“Yes please,” your mother pinched the bridge of her nose and you heaved a sigh, making a face.

“Pain?”

“A lot.”

“Let’s see what we can do about that,” she said and Spencer stood up.

“Can I see her chart please?” he asked and she took almost taken aback before showing him the chart.

“I’d like to change these two meds,” Spencer said and started listing off his suggestions while you watched him with a smile on your face.

“Spencer,” you said, “Please let the nice and smart lady do her job.”

The doctor grinned at you, “That’s alright. Is there anything you would like to ask me?”

“Two questions. One, when can I go home?”

“We’d like to keep you under observation for a couple of days, depending on how fast your body shows progress to heal.”

“Okay. Can I smoke here?”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” your mother threw her head back, Spencer just stared at you and the doctor blinked a couple of times.

“Since this job taught me never to take any question as hypothetical,” she said, “I’m just going to answer it. No, under absolutely no circumstances are you allowed to smoke here.”

You curled your lips, “It was worth a try.”

“We’ll give you some really good painkillers, don’t worry,” she winked, “I’ll let the rest of your family in and see you later.”  

She walked to the door and opened it, and soon enough Lily rushed inside but as soon as she leaped at you, Kenzie caught her mid-air like a troublesome cat.

“No, what did I say outside?”

“But mama—“

“It’s okay Kenz. Hi bug.”

Kenzie gave you a teary eyed smile and slowly set Lily down, and she hugged her teddy bear before taking a step towards you, nibbling on her lip.

“Does it hurt?” she pointed at the stitches on your forehead and you tilted your head.

“Just a little, sweetie.”

She carefully put the teddy bear beside your bed and grinned at you.

“Mr. Chocolate Chip Cookie will be your friend here,” she patted the teddy bear’s head and you let out a small laugh.

“I really appreciate it bug, thank you,” you said and held the teddy bear in your lap before you turned to Nolan. “Hey man, thanks for the helicopter.”

“Thanks for the almost heart attack,” he replied and fixed his bowtie, “You keep me young with all this panic and adrenaline. Honestly Y/N, never do that to us again, please.”

“I’ll try my best not to get kidnapped by a maniac again,” you stated, “Besides, mom already grounded me so…”

“Good! No jet for you for a while young lady.”

A nurse came in to inject the painkiller into your IV, and you smiled at the sight of your family fondly, then cleared your throat.

“Hey, not that I didn’t miss you guys,” you said, “But um…can I talk to Spencer for a moment?”

Kenzie and Mina exchanged looks and Kenzie lifted Lily up.

“We’ll be right outside,” she said and walked to the door. One by one they left the room and your jaw dropped when you saw Mina squeezing Spencer’s shoulder before she left as well.

“Well, something changed,” you commented and Spencer came to pull a chair next to the bed before he reached out to hold your hand.

“She was the first one to talk to me when we landed,” his voice still didn’t sound so strong and you frowned.

“What did she say?”

“Go there and bring my sister back.” Spencer said and ran a hand over his eyes, “Based on the profile, I thought he’d already—“ he couldn’t even finish that sentence before he kissed the back of your hand, “I thought I lost you.”

“Nah, cigarettes will kill me, not serial killers,” you reached out to push a curl out of his eyes, “I thought you knew that. All looks and no smarts, aren’t you?”

He scoffed a shaky laugh and you licked your lips.

“What happened there?” you asked, “I heard gunshots after Erica shot me, is she—“

“Dead,” Spencer nodded, “She was shot right there.”

You could feel the goosebumps on your skin, “And Lincoln?”

“I was going to kill him,” Spencer said, “If I got there first, I would’ve.”

“Spencer you don’t mean that.”

“I do,” he told you, a dangerous light gleaming in his eyes, “I do mean that.”

You heaved a sigh, now easier thanks to the painkillers, “Yeah well, I guess I know the feeling.”

“Um- the team is outside as well by the way,” he said, “Luke and Garcia has been here the whole night, and I’ve been instructed to tell you, word by word, no amount of pastries will excuse the worry you put them through.”

You grinned, the tired haze of sleep crashing on you, “Ouch, I’ll have to try harder I guess,” you said and yawned, making Spencer smile.

“Rest a little,” he said, “I’ll stay right here, okay?”

You nodded and leaned your head back to the pillows, then closed your eyes.

                                                 ***

You were given the permission to go home after a week because your mother insisted on keeping you there until she was convinced you wouldn’t drop dead all of a sudden. Surprisingly enough, she didn’t raise hell when you told her you would be staying at Spencer’s place for a while, and for once, Mina agreed with you.

You really needed to ask Spencer what had happened while you were gone, in detail.

It was strange, but your sleep was much less disturbed after you had returned from the hospital. When you were in hospital you had just assumed it was because of the meds they had given you, but now, sleeping with Spencer in his bed, there was still no sign of any nightmares.

With you, that was. Spencer was a completely different story.

You still had to be careful because of your ribs and the doctor had told you to be careful with how you slept, so the moment you moved a little in your sleep and felt the pain shooting through you, you made a face and reached for Spencer’s side of the bed only to meet an empty spot. You opened your eyes, and carefully sat up in bed, trying to hear whether there was any noise to signal he was coming back to bed but there was none, so you slipped out of the bed and walked to the living room.

Of course he was there. Cradling a cup with steam coming out of it in his hands, staring into the darkness as if he was lost in his own mind.

“Spencer?” you said softly and he turned his head, snapping out of his thoughts.

“Hey,” he said, trying to smile, “Why are you up?”

“I could ask you the same question,” you tilted your head before you went to sit beside him and he ran a hand through his curls.

“It’s not important.”

“Nightmares?” you asked and he nodded silently.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe later,” he murmured, “How about you? Any pain? Do you need an ice bag?”

You shook your head, “Nah it’s fine,” you said, “It doesn’t hurt that terribly.”

“And your nightmares?”

You shrugged, “No nightmares. I mean—at least not like the earlier ones. Not where I’m turning into him.”

“Trauma works differently in everyone.”

“I don’t think it’s the trauma though,” you said, “I think it’s because…because I know now.”

He raised his brows, his whole attention on you, “What do you mean?”

“It’s not in me,” you said, “It’s just—it’s just not. I don’t think it ever was. My father killed people because it made him feel powerful. It wasn’t like that with me, back at the cabin. It was survival. For me and people I care about, that’s all. It doesn’t make me evil.”

That seemed to pull him out of his thoughts and he smiled.

“No it doesn’t,” he said, “You’ve never been evil. Even when he tried to turn you into that.”

Even your heart felt light, despite the pain in your ribs and your smile widened.

“I know he’s not dead but…”

“He’s locked away. Same difference from now on.”

You paused for a moment, “Speaking of,” you said, “I was thinking I could go and see him for the last time.”

He frowned, “Why?”

“I don’t know. I think it’ll help me put this whole thing behind me.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I want to see the look on his face when he realizes his small project failed,” you said, “Trust me. There’s no way he can get to me, not anymore.”

He rubbed his thumb over your hand and you leaned back to the back of the couch, still keeping your gaze on his handsome face.

“You don’t have to come with me,” you said, “If it’s too much.”

“It’s not that,” he rasped out, “Officially, I might not be allowed in.”

“Why not?”

“I’m leaving the BAU.”

You blinked a couple of times, gawking at him, then sat up straighter.

“What?”

“I can’t anymore,” he averted his glances from you to look into space, nibbling on his lip, “Y/N, I was out of the city when they called me to tell me you were missing, that you were most probably taken by the copycat. And for the whole time until I found you…” his voice cracked, “Lincoln’s profile, before we even knew that he was Lincoln, it all suggested that he…killed his victims without spending any time with them. I thought—“ he sniffled and cleared his throat, “I can’t do that anymore. Imagining you like all those victims…”

“Spencer, I’m fine.”

“But you weren’t,” he said, barely moving his lips, “Back there.”

Ah. The woods.

“That’s what your nightmare was about?” you asked and he heaved a shaky sigh.

“I couldn’t save you,” he said, “You died there, and I couldn’t do anything, I was too late—“

“Spencer,” you reached out to touch his cheek, “Hey, look at me.”

He turned his head so that his eyes would meet yours and you dragged your fingertips over the slight stubble on his cheek.

“You weren’t too late,” you told him, “And I didn’t die. Okay? I’m right here. Don’t leave the BAU because of me, do it only if you want to. I’ll be with you either way.”

He blinked back the tears and nodded. “I want to,” he whispered, “I can’t anymore, and I want- I want to be here. I’ll just…I’ll focus on teaching, and the team can consult me whenever they need to, but I need to be here.”

“And you’re sure about that? It’s not some…heat of the moment decision?”

“It’s not,” he said, “I’m positive.”

“Alright,” you smiled at him softly, “Okay then. I guess instead of talking about gruesome murders and copycats who were after me, we can be one of those boring, cliché couples who bicker about…I don’t know, dirty dishes in the sink, or how you forgot to put down the toilet seat or-“

“Your hair in the drain.”

“I’m going to pretend like you weren’t waiting for the opportunity to bring that up.”

He let out a teary laugh and wiped at his eyes before he pulled you closer and carefully wrapped his arms around you so as not to hurt your ribs, burying his face into the crook of your neck. You brushed your fingers through his curls, as if trying to prove to him that you were there, that you were alright.

“I love you so much,” the confession left his lips in a whisper and you could feel the burning behind your eyes as you raked your nails over the nape of his neck gently.

“I love you too,” you murmured, “God, you have no idea how much.”

                                                      ***

The BAU, upon your request, fixed a meeting with your father for the next week.

And throughout that week, everyone tried to convince you to change your mind. Your mother had made a whole scene during brunch, telling you that it was as if you liked torturing yourself, but you knew deep down that you had to talk to him for the last time.

Seeing your father after what felt like a life time, especially after everything that you had been through was strange at the very least. You didn’t have any goosebumps, you didn’t have that nervousness messing with your head, you didn’t feel like you were under the threat of being attacked any time, and most of all—

You didn’t feel like he was stronger than you. At all.

You lit a cigarette in the interrogation room, then flipped the cap of the lighter and turned your head when the door opened and your father walked in, chains dangling from his handcuffs wrapped around his ankles. He stared at you for a couple of seconds as if he didn’t expect to see you there and let out a breath.

“Petal…”

“You should sit down,” you said, exhaling the smoke and a guard helped him sit down across from you.

“We’re right outside, miss.”

“Thank you,” you said and watched as he straightened his back, his gaze focused on you.

“You look…” he trailed off and you raised your brows,

“Hm?”

“What did they do to you?”

“Ah I guess your outside source ending up dead gets you a bit behind on the news,” you said, “Erica is dead, Lincoln is never gonna see the sunlight again, and your whole project to turn me into your legacy with the help of them failed terribly.”

“I’d never allow them to harm you like this.”

You rolled your eyes, exhaling the smoke.

“But you fought your way out, didn’t you?” he asked you, “Looks like my training helped you after all. Even if you refuse to see that.”

“Did you seriously think I’d become like you?” you asked back, “Did you think Lincoln would manage to turn me into you?”

“Honey, Lincoln was going to be your companion at best, your first kill at worst.” he said and you clicked your tongue.

“Oh, that was your plan all along?”

“Some part of it, at least. I knew they wouldn’t be able to handle you, but I thought you could decide what to do with them. Could you kill Erica at least?”

“Didn’t get the chance.”

“You should have,” he said, “You would see, Petal.”

You twirled the cigarette between your fingers, staring at him for a couple of seconds.

“I keep thinking,” you mused, “You know what I said to Mina and Kenzie when they first told me they wanted to have a baby?”

He tilted his head, “Hm? What?”

“I asked them if they lost their minds.”

Your father pulled back slightly and you shrugged your shoulders.

“Because I mean… Kenzie’s parents are assholes, and there’s you,” you motioned at him, “Not that anyone else could take the cake on being a messed up parent when you’re in the picture.”

“I take offense to that.”

“I don’t care,” you said, “But then it hit me, back at the hospital. I was looking at this whole mess from the wrong perspective.”

“Which is?”

“They had a point,” you said, “Back then- before all this I mean, I thought when someone decided to have kids, their first priority was to be the perfect parent. That’s stupid, it’s impossible to be the perfect parent, our own parents mess us up in one way or another. But I get it now.”

“You get what?”

“The first step is being better than your own parents, not starting out perfect,” you said, “That’s why every generation is different, we’re all trying to be better than our parents, and some of us actually succeed.”

“And you think you’d be a better parent than me, is that it?”

“Shouldn’t take that much of an effort to be honest.”

“Are you…?” he motioned at you and you scoffed.

“No,” you said, “No, but what happened back there made me think. I’ve been living my whole life so convinced that you messed me up beyond my own control, beyond saving, but that’s not completely true, is it? I mean, just because you’re in my past, doesn’t mean I’ll have to include you in my present.”

“But I am in your present Petal.”

You pursed your lips together, then gestured around you. “Debatable. Nolan is buying this whole place, did you know that?” you asked, “All your guards are on our paychecks, so it should be harder to…use them to contact outside. We control everything that’s happening here, and there’s nothing you can do about that.”

He blinked a couple of times, trying to catch up with your train of thought.

“And you think that will be enough to put me behind you?”

You shook your head, “No, I don’t think it’s that easy,” you confessed, “But it’s a start.”

He moved his hands on the table, the chain rattling.

“I raised you.” he said, “I’m inside your head, whether you like it or not. You’re my legacy—“

“I’m my own legacy, you fucking idiot,” you said with a small chuckle, “That’s who I am. Just because your expectations of me will not leave me, doesn’t mean I’ll let them haunt me.”

“And you think that will be enough.”

“I will never see you again,” you tilted your head, “Should make things easier, to be honest.”

He smiled, “But you already hurt people,” he said “You know how it feels now, don’t you? That fire? Now you know what you’re capable of.”

You thought for a moment.

“Yeah,” you said, “Yeah I do. Now I know that if it ever comes to that point, I’m capable of protecting myself and my family. It doesn’t make me a monster, it makes me a survivor. Me and mom have that in common, after the shit you’ve pulled.”

He stared at you and you took a last drag of your cigarette, then checked your wristwatch.

“Well I should go. You may have all the time in the world, but I actually have a life, so…”

You stubbed your cigarette and walked to the door but as soon as you opened it, he said your name, making you stop.

“You can’t escape from this,” he said, “Even if you never see me again, you still won’t escape, you know that, right? Why do you think I chose you and not your sister? Even when you were a child, you had…something in you. Something dark, something dangerous.”

The idea was very familiar to you. You had been saying the same thing to yourself for many years and hearing it from him for what felt like a hundredth time was supposed to make you feel bad, you knew that. If it were any other time before your kidnapping, before saving yourself in that cabin, before surviving everything your father and his followers had put you through, it would probably have more effect on you.

The last time he had done that, you had ended up in the stairs, shaking until Spencer had found you.

But it wasn’t that time.

It was as if something had clicked inside your head after everything, and your father’s words held no strength in them.

“Come on honey,” he told you, “Some people are just born twisted.”

A small smile pulled at your lips and you raised your brows, looking at him for a couple of seconds, etching the sight of him in chains into your memory.

“Maybe,” you said and took a step towards him, opening your cigarette case to pull out the small jasmine flower out of it, then put it on the table, eyes locked to his before you leaned in slightly.

“But I wasn’t.”

With that, you turned around and walked out of the interrogation room for the last time, ignoring the way he was yelling your name. Your smile widened as you made your way out of the building, your heels echoing in the halls before you stepped out, the fresh air filling your lungs.

“Hey,” Spencer greeted you, leaning back to your car and reached out so that you could step into his embrace as he pushed your hair out of your face, “How did it go?”

“As expected,” you stood on your tiptoes to press a kiss on his lips and he heaved a sigh.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you said “Yeah I feel like…he’s gone. He’s gone, I’m here and I’m free and I know myself now. I finally woke up from that nightmare, for good.”

He smiled and brushed his lips against yours, “That’s a good start,” he commented, “What do you want to do now?”

“I’m open to suggestions,” you said and he tilted his head before he held up your keys.

“What do you say we drive away and never return here?”

You let out a small giggle and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“I like that idea,” you said, “Let’s drive away and never return.”

Chapter 29 

[mental-illness-bingo]

You're not required to get help in the way they say to. You're not just required to go to a professional just bc someone wants you to. It's important not to hurt people you care about because then they won't want to be around you, and it's important not to hurt people you don't care about because that makes your life difficult. If you commit a crime, you will either be jailed because you were caught which will remove your autonomy and give you even stricter rules then you dislike following now, or you will bare minimum face discrimination and/or harassment about it. You won't hear the end of it, which will become annoying if not disruptive to your life. If you are harsh/crappy/etc to people you don't care about, you will have trouble accessing the same benefits people who are "kind" get.

As an autistic person with ASPD, this is what helps me. It doesn't work for everyone, but reminding yourself that following those annoying rules benefits you with a serious upgrade in convenience. It also racks up points for when you can't mask or mess it up - when you build a reputation of being "kind and considerate" with people, they MUCH easier forgive things and will say on your behalf "they aren't like that, they didn't mean it like you're taking it". And when you take responsibility and apologize??? Oh GOSH they love that so much that you will barely see a difference in how they treat you. Soooooo many points earned back, especially if you do the work to not repeat that behavior (to them). Suddenly they're defending your behavior to people who saw it and might also have issues (see also "he shouldn't have talked to you like that" "oh no, he didn't mean it, it was just a rough day and he took full responsibility and hasn't done it since").

When I found I was struggling with keeping on the good side of this, I got professional help for the same reason - convenience. Then I could split the work of being the way they wanted me to be with other people. Meds made it so I have to do like less than half the work I used to. Therapists will tell you the exact techniques that you need to try so no more trying to figure out how you're supposed to act. They will tell you what prosocials/allistics/etc expect you to do and take so much if not all the guesswork out of it. 10/10 would recommend professional help for those who can get it - it's a massive goddamn cheat code to the stupid "social norms" game. In my opinion, it really is worth it for the decrease in effort you have to put in.

So I think part of the problem with the whole "you can have [insert disorder that makes you hurt people around you] as long as you take responsibility and get help" is that. A lot of us are going to need a "why" that isn't just "it's the right thing to do", 'cause a lot of us with disorders that hurt people also have warped senses of morality for one reason or another, and "it's the right thing to do" simply makes no sense to us. For example, I'm autistic with a stupid strong sense of morality, and sometimes even when I know somethings unacceptable in the eyes of society, I cannot stop myself because what's happening is breaking *my* (flawed) moral code.

So we need another reason. If you have a disorder that messes with your sense of morality, please say what your alternative reasons to get help are.

[malum-forev]

Try Anything Once

BuckyBarnes x Reader

Bucky finds himself at the worse place, the doctor’s office. But maybe it isn’t as bad as he thought.

Word Count: 2.6k

There were many things that brought James Buchanan Barnes rage, but at the top of his list was his mechanical arm. It was bad enough that it was a constant reminder of who he was, who he was created to be, but now due to a technical failure, it was even more of an inconvenience.

“I already told you that it’s fine.” He muttered at Sam, trying to open and close his palm, with no avail.

“Yeah, and if I were blind, I would believe that. You need to get that thing fixed. Maybe it just needs some motor oil.” He said followed by a loud laugh, only making Bucky’s eyes roll. “I already reported it to the medical department, anyways.”

“What are doctors going to tell me about this thing, it’s not flesh. They don’t know anything about it.”

“Well, I mean, we do have the best doctors in the world. I think they know something about that contraption.” Sam replied, standing up from his position and traveling to the front of the airplane to see how long it would take them to get back to the compound.

Bucky closed his eyes, trying to calm the bubbling anger that was filling him up, almost to the point of explosion. It was supposed to be the best, why would it be giving him trouble. Subsiding his anger, he thought that maybe he would have to go to Wakanda to get it fixed. Maybe he would even have to stay there for some time, he could only dream of that. In the past 80 years, that was the only time he felt something close to peace. Forcing his eyes to open, he realized that the plane was descending. Looking out the window, he saw what he dreaded the most. A team of people in white bathrobes.

“Doctors.” Bucky huffed in annoyance.

As he made his way through the white corridors with fluorescent lighting, he could hear at least three pairs of feet shuffling behind him. He could almost sense they were too nervous to ask him any questions. He stopped at the end of the hallway and waited for three seconds before turning around to face them.

“Well? Are you going to open this stupid door, or do I have to break it to get this thing fixed?” He yelled, not feeling anything as he saw the three young doctors shake and vigorously nod their heads. The tallest one, she couldn’t be a day older than 25, quickly entered the access code and opened the door. Revealing a large waiting room with one assistant behind a desk. He heard the elevator music first, after that came a whiff of something. Some kind of flower Bucky couldn’t recognize.

“I have an appointment.” Was the only thing he said as the assistant moved his eyes away from the computer and saw the former Winter Soldier. He was different, he wasn’t scared of Bucky.

“Name and date of birth please.” He asked kindly as he faced back to the computer.

“This must be a joke.” Bucky said, as he watched the assistant’s motionless expression, he realized it wasn’t. “James Buchanan Barnes, March 10th, 1917.”

“Thank you, Dr. (y/l/n) will be with you shortly. Would you like anything to drink while you wait?” He smiled again, only enraging Bucky even more. He decided no answer was needed. After about two minutes, he saw the door swing open and a field agent came out first.

“Thank you so much Doc.” She smiled, Bucky had seen her before if he remembers well, she even introduced herself. But like always, he never remembered anyone’s name. She smiled as she passed him, and he just nodded back. After the agent, a woman in that dreaded white bathrobe came out. Average build, fragile looking, late twenties, it would take me less than two seconds to knock her off the ground. Bucky thought, immediately erasing the thought from his mind, something his therapist had taught him to do.

“Mr. Barnes, please come inside.” She said, her voice was extremely peaceful and calm. Everything about her seemed that way. It was as if one of those singing birds from Snow White had come out of the storybook and became a human. Bucky followed her into her office and sat down, looking at the pendulum sitting on top of her neatly organized desk. Swinging back and forth infinitely. “You’re here because your arm is giving you trouble?”

“The metal one.” Was the only thing he said, she just nodded and motioned him to sit on the exam table, “I’m not laying on that. I’m not five.”

“You’re obviously not five, you were born in 1917.” She quickly replied. “If anything, I should have you sitting on a wheelchair, or one of those reclining chairs they have elderly people in. I need you to lay down here to check your prosthetic. I also need you to remove your jacket, and anything that would obstruct me from performing my analysis.”

With a quick glare, he followed her instructions. He took his jacket off and without thinking twice, ripped the sleeve from his t-shirt.

Laughing a bit, the doctor started contorting his arm in different directions. “You superheroes really have a passion for all things dramatic. You could have taken off your shirt.”

“This was easier.”

“Not much of a talker, are you?” she said before pressing on a disk near the arm’s wrist. Gaining a hiss from the former assassin.

“Could you just stop.” He said in an annoyed tone. “I’m just here because your people were waiting for me once I got off the damn plane. Now stop messing with it before you break my arm.”

With one swoop motion, he was back on his feet. “This is made from an incredible rare material. Something that they probably didn’t even know existed at whatever school you got your degree from. Which one was it?” Bucky said, getting more and more angry as he saw the doctor didn’t even flinch at what he was saying. He started looking around the walls to see where she had that paper framed. The one every doctor likes to display, as if it was some sort of badge.

“I don’t have a medical degree. You can say this comes,” Dr. (y/l/n) took a pause. “Naturally to me.”

Bucky let out a small laugh. “I’m fine. And even if I wasn’t, I’m not going to have some random person who couldn’t even finish med school looking at my arm. It’s probably more expensive than everything you own.

Dr. (y/l/n)’s expression didn’t change, the small smile still on her mouth. “Pepper’s team warned me about you, Mr. Barnes. They said you were, difficult.”

“Difficult.” Bucky scoffed as he leaned on the medical table, he watched the doctor move back behind her desk. Typing something on her computer, the printer slowly coming to life, sending out a small piece of paper.

“Well, they actually said you were a huge pain. Difficult is just the word I choose to use.” She adjusted her glasses and read what was on the paper, taking out a pen and signing it.

“It really shows that after Steve left, this place started hiring just about anybody. Their whole system is going to fall apart if they keep uncredited people here.” Bucky spat out, aggravated at the mere thought that Sam would have sent you here with her.

“You’re not completely wrong with that statement. But I don’t think it was after Steve, it was before that. At one point they even recruited brain washed assassins.” The doctor replied with a grin on her face, only making Bucky’s blood boil even more. “Try this, it will help with regaining mobility.”

Bucky ripped the paper out of the doctor’s hand, crumpling it up and shoving it in his back pocket. Turning around to leave the office.

“Oh and Mr. Barnes, you have to come back to finish the assessment before you can go back into the field. Those are the orders stated by Mr. Wilson.” Again, that smug smile adorning her face. Does she always have something to say? Bucky thought as he stormed out of the medical building, heading straight to Sam’s room. He was going to hear what Bucky had to say about that know-nothing fake doctor.

Bucky heard Sam’s laugh before he actually saw him, as the automatic doors opened, he saw that the laughter was directed towards him.

“I’m guessing by your angrier than usual glare, you saw (y/n).” Sam said with a gigantic smile.

“Was that some sort of prank? You hired a fake doctor only for me to go and waste my time?” Bucky asked as he strode past him walking straight into the kitchen.

“What did you have planned for the rest of the day? Sitting on the corner of your bed at three pm, standing in a corner at four and do your hair at five? I know you do your hair, it’s impossible for it to always be perfectly imperfect.” Sam said shooting Bucky a questioning gaze, but he just rolled his eyes and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “And what are you talking about fake doctor? Please tell me you let her do her job, if not I can’t let you come on the mission tomorrow.”

“Of course I didn’t, tomorrow I’m going to see an actual doctor to get a stupid note that says I’m fine! Even though I’m telling you right now that I’M FINE.” He yelled as he smashed down the bottle, making it as flat as a piece of paper.

It was at this specific moment that F.R.I.D.A.Y. said: “Bucky Barnes, you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow at 11:30 am. If you were to miss this appointment, you will be sanctioned and will not be able to assist on missions.”

This obviously sent Sam on a fit of laughter. “That message couldn’t have come at a better time. Anyways, you need to get your appointments aligned. I suggest you go to the Doc’s office tomorrow morning to see if she has anything available.”

“Just send me the actual doctor’s office and I’ll be there tomorrow morning.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Bucky, I don’t know who got it into your head but, (y/n) is an actual doctor. That why she’s Dr. (y/l/n) and not just (y/n).”

“She was the one who told me she’s not credited. She doesn’t even have a medical degree, let alone know anything about vibranium!” Bucky said throwing his hands up in the air.

“You don’t have a degree but that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of being an ass. And an annoying one too!” Sam said, getting frustrated with the conversation. “Look, Dr. (y/n) has been here for a long time, she knows what she’s doing. Maybe you don’t know anything about her because you were frozen for half of your life and the other half you spent being a cyborg assassin. Also, she was one of the first people to handle vibranium when it was found in Wakanda, so I think she knows something about that. She even spent some time in a hut over there, just like you! You have more things in common than you think. So, tomorrow you’re gonna get her some coffee, go to her office, apologize for being, well, you; and get that arm fixed. In the meantime, you can look up some things about her. You do remember how to google things right?”

“Of course I remember. Could you just help me get on the net?” Bucky said while holding out his phone, it was now Sam’s turn to roll his eyes.

--------

The next morning, Bucky reluctantly made his way back to the medical building. The two disposable coffee cups were almost knocked out of his hands when the doors swung open.

“Back already Mr. Barnes?” he heard Dr. (y/l/n) say, it surprised him that she would talk so casually with him, given that yesterday he was, difficult. “Should I put down extra thirsty as a side effect on your chart?” She asked pointing to both of the cups.

“Actually Doctor, one of them is for you. I didn’t know what you drank so one is a black coffee and the other one has a splash of milk and sugar. Sam told me you would accept coffee as an apology, some sort of olive branch.” Bucky said, shoving both of the cups near her for her to choose.

“You can take me to get coffee instead. Judging by the stale smell, this is day old coffee. Plus, I don’t think you have tried oat milk lattes.” She smiled as she guided him to the restaurant inside the compound.

“Oat milk wasn’t a thing in the 40’s.” Was all that Bucky replied. “I wanted to formally apologize. It’s something new to me, my therapist says I should externalize my feelings more. I did not know your past; you know with the whole regenerative thing.”

This was the first time he saw her not smile. She looked away for a moment and asked “Did you try what I told you. It’s a type of oil that seeps into the smallest indentations in vibranium, creating a protective layer. With that, and some rehabilitation exercises, you will feel as good as new.”

Bucky just shook his head, not wanting to talk about his less than normal extremity. He opened his mouth to ask her, but she interrupted. “I know what you’re going to ask me. I may not be able to read minds but this profession has taught me many things, one of them being how to read people’s expressions.”

“Can you still do it?” He pressed on, if what he had read was true, then she was probably one of the only people that could understand what he was feeling.

“Yes, of course I can. As a supersoldier I would think you understood. It’s not something that you can just turn off, it’s here forever.” She said pointing to her whole body. “I didn’t want this; I didn’t ask to be able to regenerate. I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong people.”

“I researched you last night.” Bucky admitted shooting her a shy smile.

“Didn’t think you were tech-savvy.” She said, taking a sip of her coffee. “That was a long time ago, she’s long gone. I thought what I was doing was the right thing. And he, he convinced me that it was. But alas, I was only some sort of protection. Receiving the bullets that would wound him and healing the cuts that would kill him. But after I realized all the damage, we were actually doing I, I found this place. And from there on I decided I was going to heal other people. Even if they couldn’t regenerate.”

“I can relate.” Bucky said, slouching back on the bench they were sitting on, a weird feeling appearing inside of him. Something that he wasn’t used to, relaxation and peace. “I appreciate you not flipping out yesterday, I was out of line.”

“I’ve dealt with worse people here.” She laughed. “I looked at your videos fighting. You need to take better care of that arm of yours.”

“I didn’t know you were keeping tabs on me Doc, had I known I would have smiled at the camera.” Bucky said shooting her a smile, it was the first time she had seen him actually do that.

“It’s my job to check my patient’s whole file.” She explained but couldn’t resist to smile back. “And you can call me (y/n) by the way.”

“In that case, call me Bucky.”

[christinebloodwrittings]

Hi there! I just discovered your account from lauren&loki and I just wanted to say you write so good! You really know how to write Loki's dialogue so well!

Is there by any chance I could request a story that includes the reader shrinking? It just adds such good fluff lol :D

It could be about a female teen reader (who can shrink) and she's been adopted into the Avengers family. She's incredibly shy and wants to befriend Loki, but he blows her off every time she attempts to speak to him.

Loki finds Y/n adorable, especially how she attempts to talk to him, but he keeps up this mean facade whenever she's around. Loki and Y/n are at some point alone in the tower, so Y/n goes to try to talk with him, but he ends up yelling at her. She runs to her room crying and shrinks, unable to control her powers with how sad she is.

Loki feels so guilty, he goes to Y/n's room to make things right and is surprised and really curious to see her tiny (he hasn't ever seen her use her powers before). Just super fluffy when Loki sees that Y/n is like 3 inches tall🥺🥺He could pick her up while she's still crying and tries his best to calm her down.

(I'm so sorry this is long!😅)

You ask I write, thank you so much 💖💖

Honestly this is so cute, I loved writing it💚💚

*My requests are open*

Pairing: Loki x Shrink!Reader

Words: Over 1k for sure.

Summary: Y/n's past with familias ans love has been rough, the Avengers opened their arms to her, and one of them isn't making things easier for her.

Warnings: Angst, but fluffy.

Loki Taglist: @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @high-functioning-lokipath

Too far

You loved them, too much to even begin to hate them. You found yourself listening to the same playlists that they sang along while driving south in vacations.

Hearing their voices in the back of your head each time you were alone doing nothing, always kept your head busy with small or big tasks to keep the callings away.

Your power is both a virtue and a curse. It did helped you to escape a lot of beatings, but others it just gave your enemies more possibilities to squish you dead.

You ended up in the streets, alone, unloved, desperate for any type of affection. Anything.

"Hey kid, how would you like to become a superhero?" Fury found you fighting for scraps, he took you under his wing, literally. With an arm hugging your shoulders he introduced you to some people that were going to help you, also he kept the contact noticing how much you were shaking.

The Avengers were more than welcoming, some still a bit distant, but never failing to return a smile.

The first time Loki saw you was a long time after the events of 2012. Banner was busy in his lab, the rest were helping with missions, reparations, etc.

You were in the living room finishing a few sketches when you heard the elevator door opening. And there you were, innocent eyes. You iradiated an unusual beauty, his mind wandered in your curiosity and the color of your eyes, exploring them as if the design swallowed him whole.

"OMG!! You're hurt!" That wasn't contempt, or sarcasm, nor mockery, why you looked like you cared? "Banner is busy right now, but if you don't mind I can take you to the med bay" you said opening your hands for him to place his arm.

"I'm fine, human, save me your sympathy" he said bitterly and limped all the way into his room. His heart was restless, never in his life had he felt such a thing, it was cold but warm, and he felt dizzy.

"Human" the way he said it, as if you were a pest next to him, sent an electric feeling through your chest, you found it painfully confusing.

But it resulted oddly familiar, the pain, but before any flashback could trigger a panic attack, you went back to your sketches. Unconsciously tracing his penetrating gaze, his soft locks, and everything you could reach by memory.

He seemed to be the only one picking on you, so you made it your mission to befriend him in order to avoid any incidents. And also because you strongly believed that no one bad is truly bad.

"Go tell someone who cares, human"

"Will you ever shut up?"

"Is there anything you don't mess up?"

"Be gone, I'm busy"

"Go bother someone else, human"

Despite how many time he blew you off, you kept coming, ever so sweet and loving as is your nature.

He really didn't meant it, he found you incredibly enduring and cute how you put so much effort just for him.

He was afraid that if he showed you any kindness you would stop trying to talk to him, so he kept his mean facade.

Until one day, tired after a mission that lasted three days, Loki returned in the worst possible mood. He lit up at the sight of you, yet he remembered his plan and just couldn't contain himself.

"Welcome back Loki!" You rushed up to him, attempting to hug him, but you stopped on your tracks as soon as you saw his eyes.

"You ... are you retarded or what is your problem? Why it can't be clear to you that I'm not interested? I don't want you near me. You are pathetic, you are so in need of love that you cling on to the first person who doesn't show it to you to try to change their opinion, is it not, little pet?"

What?... You thought, backing up a few steps, "Oh and by the way, take an art class, you're a terrible artist" he genuinely didn't payed attention to his words, or how much it affected you until he shouted for you to get out of his sight.

And he used the word "Whore" to emphasize his point.

After his voice got lost in the air, he looked down expecting you to do that usual pout that he found so adorable, instead he saw your silhouette run away from him, disappearing around the corner.

"Where's Y/n? We're going shopping" Nat asked entering the common room, "She hasn't been outside her room since Thursday night, she said she's sick" Loki looked around the room confused, spotting Banner, who was the one to glare at him as he explained.

"Oh, I should check on her then" Nat loved you as a sister, quite a bond you two had. "Don't worry, go, I was on my way anyway" Banner signaled Loki to follow him, and very puzzled he did.

When the doctor made sure no one was around, his arm turn green, and with it he pulled Loki up, choking him.

"I don't know what you did to her, but Y/n is a very sensitive person, and she's been through hell trying to befriend you, nobody knows why, but if you don't fix this I swear Loki, you'll see what I'm capable of"

Banner let go of Loki, the air coming back to his body after almost giving up at the lose of oxygen.

The doctor went away and that's when it hit him. Suddenly all of his words came back to him, his heart sunk low, the paing taking hold of his entire body, as the guilt built up.

He knocked on your door a few times, his hands shaking. Since no one responded, he opened the door, kind of panicking not knowing your whereabouts.

The feeling didn't ease up when he heard the tiny sobs and cries. Following the sound he had to bend down to look under your bed, there you were, no more than 3 inches tall, crying your soul out.

A sharp pain struck him violently when he saw you, even more when you looked up to see him and turned your back to him.

"Y/n, please, would you come out? I just want to talk" he pleaded, your name sounded so sad on his lips.

"Are you sure you don't mean human, pet, pest, mortal, whore?" In a different circumstance he would've laughed about your tiny voice, it was as if you were on helium.

"Y/n, please I'm sorry, I was just tired and...no, nothing excuses my behavior, I hurt you, and for what? Honestly, I just wanted you to keep coming back, to me" anger got the best of you and you jumped on him hard enough to push him down against the floor.

He was speechless, it was the first time he had seen you using your powers, "To what? To keep me around, jumping at your every call like a little dog? You're fucking awful Loki!" You grabbed on the hem of his shirt, sobbing and letting your tears fall onto the fabric.

"I'm so sorry princess, I was afraid you would stop trying, I wasn't thinking, I actually like you, your sweetness, your every kind touch and gesture, I have been an idiot, please, I'll accept any punishment you may see fit, but please...forgive me"

Your body gave up due to exhaustion, dehydration and how much happiness it brought you to know that he didn't hated you. So you basically crawled to his open hand and curled up against his skin.

"Stay, that's your punishment. Stay until I change back" you has no idea how to turn back, so it could be a while, "Yes my princess" carefully he brought you two to your bed, never letting go of you, or stop petting your head and drawing circles along your back.

After a few hours, you had already fallen asleep, your powers allowed you to return to your original size, so Loki accommodated you between the blankets. But you had his hand, so he was "forced" to snuggle with you, bringing your face to the curve of his neck, your body almost on top of his, and he made sure not to let you wake up, you needed that rest.

He had realized that he had gone too far, so he promised himself from that moment onwards only to show you the kindness that you gave him multiplied. He was going to shower you in all the love that only he and you knew he could give.