#i wish it wasnt i really wish i was like normal
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ok guys i was thinking thoughts and i had a hyoga blog on the side bc i have a chronic illness of separating blogs for different fandoms it just feels so much better to me but now that i want to write for kn8 as well perhaps its time to merge them all
#its so bad u dont understand#but bc i never write for more than one character per fandom it feels so much better to just dedicate a blog to that character#bc at that point im not even multifandom im just. oh 8 silly characters i really like from 8 different pieces of media#(also i had a kuroda blog on the side but u weren't supposed to know that)#thoughts thoughts thoughts#would u guys mind if i started writing for other people too#but also AMURO TOORU I LOVE MY AMURO TOORU AESTHETIC#sorry no one cares my bad but this is such a big deal to me THE MORE I TALK ABOUT IT THE MORE SILLY IT SOUNDS BUT HTIS IS SUCH A BIG DEAL T#ME#PULLING MY HAIR OUT sorry guys#i will think#ok if i write more than like 2 things for hoshina i will consider but if not then there's like no point#sorry guys that was a whole dump of literally NOTHING#guys why is this such a big deal to me i do not understand#i wish it wasnt i really wish i was like normal#SORRY THIS IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH OF ME IN A PUBLIC SPACE THIS IS UNSIGHTLY#if it is distressing me this much then maybe it is ok to just keep my silly blogs separate like maybe it isn't harming anyone#BROSSSS#sorry guys this is not the self i wished to put out on this blog#but guys i LOVED MY HYOGA BLOG#sorry i will stop my bad
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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does any other demiromantic (or arosepc doesnt rlly matter) feel like. extremely awful when they experience romantic attraction or is that just me.
#spacie spoinks#bruh#like. while im experiencing it i wish so badly that i wasnt 😭#i feel disgusted. is this what romantic repulsion is???#cuz like ill be experiencing all the lovey dovey stuff yk#''ooohb i wanna kiss dem oooh what if we help hands'' romantic crap but its like. anxiety inducing#like it feels awful??? is this normally how it feels?? i dont like it.#it like. doesnt feel right or natural and im assuming its b/c i just like?? barely feel it ever?? and thats why???#strange as hell.#i recently felt romantic attraction 2 someone (it has been 2 or 3 years since i last felt it) and it came on really strong for like#a week and that was like the worst week of my life#i couldnt think abt anything else but them like it wasnt even like. fantasies or anything just like.#the concept of them. my brain would just be like ''hey remember this guy''#I LIKE COULDNT SLEEP#HOW DO YOU PPL ENJOY THIS????#me; clutching my head for ~a week: AUUUGH!! THE PERSON!!! THE PERSON!!!!!#im so serious this is how it feels w/springtrap. hes like a blight on my psyche#the feelings have faded mostly i think. i think im normal abt them again (thank god)#its so strange. i think a romantic relationship would be fun but then i start feeling the feelings and its. awful.#so horrid#also like. im considering that maybe the relationship i would like some day isnt romantic but a qpr#idk. ive never been in any kind of serious relationship (never wanted 2 and have never been approached for it)#sometjing 2 think abt i guess?#anybeans. i tire.#hope i never experience that again#ik that like in 2-3 years ill be like: ''man. idk what past spacie was talking abt. would be nice 2 feel romantic attraction again''#NO SPACIE IT WONT!!! REMEMBER!!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT YOU WENT THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ok the more I think abt longlegs the more it starts to grow on me
#be not afraid#i still stand bt the like#(spoilers ig(#i wish it wasnt just Hail Satan but its still soooo good#that's literally my only complaint and its a personal preference anyways#and i really hope the success (even if mixed) ofthis movie leads to more like it#also fucking. LIFE SIZED DOLLS.#im so normal about dolls.....m
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i must say i did not expect getting a chronic illness diagnosed would be of any help, i thought it wouldn't matter since ive already had it unknowingly for 2 years, but it's actually quite helpful... I suddenly can hardly remember the feeling of having moments where I can't do anything because of my fibromyalgia, which is nice☺️☺️ Without it it feels I can be more optimistic.
But at the same time I can't help but feel the dread of having to take antidepressants for the rest of my life so i can get close to functioning like a normal person. I am quite dependant on them to go through the day without pain and be able to sleep properly. Something about that makes me feel a bit lonely😓😓
#i talk!!!#this one is. a bit of a downer as well as positive#like mostly the effects have been positive antidepressants really do help me a lot#it made me realize heavily that my previous lifestyle was. completely abnormal and I just convinced myself it wasnt#Ive also been able to take things more calmly since I'm now conscious stress is what causes pain to flare up#but at the same time im hit with the dread that im reliant on meds to function and will be for the rest of my life😓😓#it only came to me right now because i forgot to take my anti depressants when i woke up#so the brief hours where i wasnt under its influence i felt weak in pain and with an awful headache#and something about the concept of me being reliant on meds otherwise I'll feel that way makes me really sad#i wish being normal was a thing i could achieve without meds#fibromyalgia
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I need to be put in a waffle iron or something
#i am. really stressed!!#i hate being online i keep losing friends#Majority of them did shitty stuff to me and it makes me so sad#I already have trust problems so when people come and say theyll always be here for me and then the next thing i know im blocked because i#Expressed my discomfort about something shitty they did it makes those trust issues even worse#We were pretty close and now i regret telling him shit because he could use it against me#And im starting to fall out with my “best friend” irl. Everything is making me sick#I can’t do this anymore I really want to disappear#There has to be something about me so repulsive to people#That i just turn them away#its gonna be like that for the rest of my life isnt it? I probably wont even get a partner in the future#I just don’t know why I fuck up every friendship so bad even if it wasnt. My fault#I shouldve kept my mouth shut even if i was uncomfortable#my last friendships ended like this too#I caused a huge server fight by saying I was uncomfy and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me now because of it#even though some said they werent#I am just really lonely and feel like a piece of shit#Because I am one#I don’t really know if I want to keep being here anymore#I genuinely think nobody likes me#Even when I was in school nobody liked me#I was the “weird girl”#I just wish I was normal and likeable and then maybe I’d have friends irl#I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve considered suicide over it multiple times#I ruin everything#My friendships. My life. My parents marriage. My art. Everything.#I doubt anyone will read this or gaf so just. ignore me
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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Im probably gonna draw something about this anyway so ill get into it more later but when ever i draw a shitpost about the mirror world (specifically about 2 quails) i feel like it gives off the impression that i trust the premise of the mirror world but i dont at all. Like ive read the picture perfect arc.. why on earth would i ever trust moa-
#fuzzy rambles#hatoful boyfriend#holiday star#<—- tags there for drapperts anti spoiler sake sorry if i show up in the tags#but like. im so mad cuz i was thinking of drawing something between nanaki and hitori and then i read jshk chapter 118 and i was like FUCK#THAT WAS LITERALLY WHAT I WAS GONNA DO WITH THE QUAILS WTTFFFF#i mean it was not 1 to 1. ill probably still draw it ull see what i mean later#idk as much as i would love for nanaki and hitori to have a normal and silly relationship.. i think about that one drawing all the timeeeee#what if we were connected by the red string of fate but its was so tangled and messy#like we all heard anghel#i havent played the web episode yet so idk how the mirror world is shown there#but like. gestures vaguely#something so tragic about characters whos fates are tied to another character#like if we are still on the string metaphor all nanaki can really do is tug and pull but its not like that has much impact#hitori always has the scissors#dont even get me started on nageki. i wish. i wish the world was nice to him. if only it wasnt so cruel#i just love denial in a picture perfect world. how can u blame people for being charmed
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SLAY THE PRINCESS (chewing on drywall)
#oh my god the way this game has been festering in my brain since i watched rts playthrough of it ITS SO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I LOVE COSMIC HORROR AND SELF AWARE TIMELOOPS AND THE ENDLESS FUTALITY OF THE NARRATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I LOVE BIRD MEN AND GIANT MONSTER WOMEN AND NARRATORS WITH PERSONALITY!!!#sorry im normal.#quirinahscreams#no but i also love the voices of the main character and how the choices you make determine which one of them shows up (saying nonsense) BUT#ALSO HOW THEY EACH HAVE THEIR OWN SKILLS? IF THAT MAKES SENSE#like the stubborn and the hunted's affinity for combat/survival in the beast route or paranoids autonomic nervous system thing#she heart on my lungs till i liver nerves#I WISH IC OULD SAY MORE BUT SPOILERS BUT ALSO RAGHHH. they werent lying it really is a love story (gripping table so tightly it splinters)#THE WAY THE FIRST CABIN RUNTHRU IS LIKE UR DEFAULT SLATE AND THEN THE CHOICES YOU MAKE SLASH HOW YOU PERCEIVE THE PRINCESS IN THAT ROUTE#AFFECT WHAT SHE APPEARS AS TO YOU LATER#EVEN DOWN TO TAKING THE KNIFE#how shes docile and initially innocent if you dont take it but calculating and dangerous if you do#or depending on how you die she reappears as vengeful or simply cruel or resigned etc and then different voices show up to compliment that#i always feel so lame giving faceless characters visual appearances though its part of the mystique intrigue or whatever#but my boring hc for the mc is that hes like a harpy. a la howl movingcastle type beat but i also love birdman mc#its just that i wasnt paying attention earlier and imagined him as like a generic fairytale prince/knight and then realized oh he has TALON#I NEED TO SHUT UP OH MY GOD BUT ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO DRAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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YWDaC: Maybe It’s Not So Fun After All
Hiii here is part 2 of pirate shenanigans I’ll probably do one more to finish this out but it probably won’t be for a while cuz I have some other stuff I wanna work on so enjoy for now ✨
←Previous - Castys Masterlist - Next→
Ingredients: pirate battle, wood splinters in a guy, stitches
The next few weeks were truly a learning experience, and also just an experience. Castys learned far more than he ever thought there was to know about ropes and knots and wind and how to clean things, all while his back slowly hurt less and less. He hadn’t even been whipped that much, but it was still super unfun as an experience, enough to motivate him to be a good little pirate. Well, more like a sailor, they hadn’t done any pirate activities since he was so kindly given a spot on the crew.
And of course when battle did come, he wished he could go right back to the peaceful days of hard labor and yelling.
Kamon had been teaching him to use a sword during their free time, since Castys’s spear wasn’t well suited for combat aboard a crowded ship, but before he even got a chance to use it, the ships had to fire their cannons at each other a bunch. It was loud, somehow way louder than he’d been expecting, and his arms burned from carrying ammunition up from the hold. By the time the fun part started, he was already gonna be exhausted, just great.
His new orders were to take supplies up to the main deck, and he was somehow surprised that there was even more chaos and yelling up here than down below. They were getting pretty close to the other ship now, and it was probably almost time to board them and steal all their shit, which he was actually excited for. Mainly the stealing part.
Just as he set the crate down, there was a loud crack next to him, and his body lit up with all these sharp little pains, like…he looked down, and he was indeed covered in splinters. They were a wonderful variety of sizes, from tiny little ones that weren’t even making him bleed to ones that were as long as his hand, but the worst one had poked completely through his fucking cheek, filling his mouth with the taste of wood and blood, which was a weird combination. Ears ringing, he stumbled away from the destroyed railing, and was just about to start pulling the splinters out before he remembered the medic’s stern warning to not pull splinters out yourself. So he had a cheek piercing for now, hooray.
Before he’d made it back belowdecks, Captain Izogie called for everyone to get ready to board, so nevermind to hauling stuff. Castys pulled out the sword he’d been given, the weight still feeling a little unnatural, but it was all he was gonna get. He saw some dudes climbing up the rigging and swinging over on ropes, but he’d rather just wait and walk over on the plank like a normal person. Was boarding another ship a normal person thing? Okay, really, swinging looked fun, but he didn’t feel like climbing when he was full of holes that were full of wood. Also he didn’t trust himself to land without breaking something.
And then it was his turn to cross the plank, running so he didn’t have time to look down and think about falling into the cold ocean, jumping down into the chaos of the fight, trying his best to weave through the clashing metal and warm spurts of blood, and suddenly he was face-to-face with someone, someone he didn’t recognize, and he raised his sword, but just as he was about to swing he remembered that he’d never fought another human, not for real, and he couldn’t help but hesitate, and they didn’t, they swung, he only jumped back at the last second, it was them or him, he had to fight, remember what he’d learned, remember what it felt like to slice through flesh and hear screams, and it was more familiar once he did it, coming back to him now, his grip steady as he jumped over the body and moved on, belowdecks, rummaging around for valuables, helping his crewmates pry crates open and carry them back to the ship, the wood almost slipping out of his hands, when did they get slick with blood, he wasn’t sure, it was all a haze of back and forth, up and down, fight and slash and stab and dodge and search and carry and he almost walked back across the plank onto the now-sinking ship, all of its contents plundered, all of its crew dead.
The fight was over, and everything hurt.
With shaky hands, he tried to put his sword back in its scabbard, but someone stopped him. “Clean your blade, newbie. And then go see the doc. You look like shit.” Castys nodded, wiping the blood from his sword with his shirt before sheathing it and stumbling belowdecks. Maybe he’d get less of a share of the treasure this way, but at the moment he didn’t care. He just wanted the damn splinters out. And the gash in his arm probably needed stitches, which were always his favorite.
He found Alfyn’s quarters without much trouble, having been there before after he’d been flogged on his first day. The healer was busy tending to people with more pressing wounds, so Castys just sat on the floor and watched. Alfyn’s healing magic was so strange to watch, the way he could just hold his hands out and make flesh rejoin the other flesh super unfamiliar to Castys. Neither of them could use magic back on the islands, so the whole concept was sorta new to him, especially this weird healing stuff. His fingers teased with the splinter through his cheek, wiggling it against his tongue. It would be kinda funny to pull it out and then try to squirt water out of the hole in his cheek, but that would require pulling it out and then finding water and also someone who would think he was funny, which sounded like a lot, so he settled for fucking with it and waiting for Alfyn.
By the time he got to him, Alfyn’s nose was plugged with a rag that was either completely soaked in blood or just red, but maybe it was red because it had been soaked in blood before. He looked Castys up and down, and Castys showed off his arm gash since it was very painful. Alfyn nodded, beckoning Castys to stand. “Nothing you’ve got’s pressing enough to use my magic on, but I’ll still get you fixed up. You’re…Castys, right?”
“That’s my name.” Castys sat on the little table, the spots of blood on it soaking into his pants, which kind of sucked, but what wasn’t dirty on this ship, anyway? “So why can’t I take out the splinters myself?”
Alfyn laughed a little, coming back over with tweezers and a metal bucket that had a bunch of other splinters in it. “I don’t trust you lot to get them out completely. If you do it wrong, little bits can get left behind.” He then started pulling out Castys’s splinters the right way, which seemed to be to do it slow and to use tweezers, but Castys could be wrong since he was a little distracted by all of his little wounds hurting all over again. Alfyn did the one in his cheek last, and once it was out Castys poked at the hole left behind with his tongue despite the pain, which got a sigh out of Alfyn instead of a laugh.
“Please don’t make the wound worse, Castys.”
“Sorry.” He was then a very still and patient and well-behaved boy while Alfyn cleaned all of his wounds, arm gash included. Whatever liquid Alfyn was pouring on everything stung a lot, but he sat still so he didn’t make things more difficult for Alfyn, who looked really damn tired now that Castys was paying attention.
“Alright, your arm and cheek are going to need stitches, so please keep holding still like you’ve been doing.”
“They used to call me statue boy.” Kind of funny considering the time he almost did get turned into a statue, but that was a joke for just him. He clenched his fists and Alfyn approached with the needle and thread. He’d been through this more than once, he’d be fine, it was all things he’d felt before. The sensation of the needle poking into his skin, the tug of thread following behind, the hand on his chin…
“Hold still.”
“I’m trying, but it’s hard not to laugh at the faces you’re making.”
“I’m trying to focus here, Castys, come on. You don’t want this to be a super nasty scar, do you?”
“Uh…I don’t really care. As long as I can still eat food and stuff what does it matter? I don’t see anyone else besides you, and I don’t think you care either.”
“I-I don’t, but…maybe there will be other people, someday?”
“Even then, whatever. If they’re scared off by a scar on my face they’re probably losers, anyway.”
“So you’ll fit right in, then!”
“And yet you still hang out with me all of the time.”
“Yeah, ‘cause there’s literally no one else, dumbass. It’s not like I have options.”
“Sucks to suck. I’m…I’m okay with just you, though.”
“...Me too, Castys. But that might change if you don’t sit still.”
His scars hurting more than his actual wounds was stupid, but it was certainly happening. He left Alfyn’s quarters in sort of a daze, trying to bury everything the stitches had brought to the surface. Focus on anything and everything else, on the awful food, on talking with Kamon, on getting more respect from the other crewmates, on drinking stolen ale, on the share of the treasure he was promised once they reached land.
But that night, lying awake in his hammock as the crew snored around him, his scars still hurting, the pain cutting through the warm haze of the alcohol, he didn’t feel any less alone.
Next→
Castys Cult: @as-a-matter-of-whump @blackrosesandwhump @fanmanga1357-blog @thehopelessopus @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @hearse-song @muddy-swamp-bitch @whumpasaurus101 @yet-another-heathen @galaxywhump @starnight-whump @his-unspoken-words @misspelledwitch @suspicious-whumping-egg @pumpkin-spice-whump @painsandconfusion @i-can-even-burn-salad @befuddled-calico-whump @whumpinggrounds @whump-queen @whumpedydump @theelvishcowgirl
#i wrote something#castys#pirate whump#stitches#splinters#HAHAHA USING LEGACY EDITOR SINCE I SAVED A FEW BLANK POSTS TO MY DRAFTS#i wish i saved more but oh well#bit shorter of a thing it's less than 2k words wow#i just didnt have anything else i wanted to do with this one idk once again i feel like there's not much but also i know all the lore#i dont think ill be able to keelhaul him tho 😔 he's being a very well-behaved boy since he's so young so he doesnt have any reason to be#he's not used to pain like normal so he's scared of getting whipped again and that's enough to keep him in like#most people make random ocs and get attached to them#i make random ocs and end up using less than i planned on#but it is what it is ( ̄_ ̄;)#now im gonna work on goretober bits and maybe the next E&T chapter cuz it would be cool if i could finish that by halloween#i can write i just have to force myself to do it really i just want to game and watch anime in my free time#but i dont want that to be the case i would like to Make Something#oh and sorry the fight was like a paragraph/sentence it just wasnt working any other way so sorry if it's underwhelming or something idk
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So I was chatting with my fellow very mentally ill queer coworker friend about mental illness (as we do) and I mentioned how I was realizing that my wildly manic depressive response to grief wasn't... normal...
& they were like 'oh my god Yeah I've been suspecting you're bipolar for a While now' bc apparently I get in... modes... where my pupils are Huge and I'm talking a mile a minute and doing 4 things at once and even my Posture is different
And then I'll come in the next day like all the life's been sucked out of me.
& she mentioned there's type 1 and type 2, 1 being the longterm episodes & 2 being them alternating on a day to day basis. And I'm just like... damng... I sure do seem to have that 2 thing...
Apparently it's not normal to alternate between manic and depressive states! Who knew!
#speculation nation#ive like... always had this sorta thing. fatally hyperactive is how ive thought of it#those moods where im bouncing off the wall and super cheerful but DEFINITELY in a concerning mental state#apparently it's not exactly normal to be having a breakdown but laughing as you do it#no wonder no depression meds have worked for me. bc im not Just Depressed.#ive known for a while now that i dont have normal depression. i just dont. but sometimes im depressed#and then sometimes i write 70k words in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!#it makes sense but i kinda wish it didnt lol. as if autism and adhd wasnt enough. bipolar too??? really????#im gonna do some research & see if it's smth worth looking into treatment for#mayhaps i could mention it whenever i set up my psychiatry appointment :p#i dont wanna b bipolar 😭 but then again identifying it will probably help with managing it#damng all i needed to figure out my manic depression wasnt normal was losing my uncle & the symptoms getting Much Worse#me wildly oscillating between too depressed to write and too manic to write (bc even though i was motivated i didnt have clarity of mind)#longest... sigh... imaginable... i have so many mental and physical problems and i have No idea where to start with them#...adhd first probably. if i can tackle my abysmal executive dysfunction then maybe the rest will be easier to address lol#negative/#I Guess.
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one thing that gets me about the barbie movie is like. they have a scene where the women who played with barbie honestly don’t remember her name was explaining barbie who cares if this guy likes you he stole ur home ruined barbie land and is awful and barbie’s like oh right fuck him i don’t need to comfort him or worry about his feelings then immediately comforted him and walked him through his feelings
#personal#why was there so much ken. it was so ken focused like barbie felt like a secondary character in her own movie#everything about the barbie movie annoys me like. the insane amount of pseudo intellectual talk about it being a reverse genesis#how this is a girl movie for the girls about girls (about men)#all that diversity and for what? and not to say having diversity without really acknowledging it is bad#i like when diversity is natural and accepted as normal and just allowed to be#but it was such a part of the marketing and for what? for what#i get mattel wasnt gonna make mattel actually evil so when i say how cartoonishly evil they were was expected but still annoying#especially with holding NO punches back on the misogyny from men in the movie#like yes i’m painfully aware of it but it felt so aggressive for a movie. about dolls. that little girls play with#then nothing being done about male dominated space in the mattel industry other than president barbie being like we’re gonna change that#but not really?#like it’s such a nothing movie#it’s just nothing#and i wish it had the balls to be sincere#just practically tripping over itself to say GOTCHA to any complaints people may have about barbie it’s just painfully unconfident#and the daughter character was annoying full stop also that line where she’s like mom ur crazy and weird and i like it no one here earned#that and i just can’t get over how fucking man focused this movie is#like ken was such a huge part SUCH a huge part#gg n i went to hot topic and we saw barbie stuff and i love complaining about it with her#and it’s such a white feminist movie like all this diversity and it’s just. so nothing and so plain#and what was i made for has personally ruined my life i hate that song#charlie xcxs song does go hard i am not deaf
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[[vent in tags]]
#heard a guy on a podcast i listen to talk about being a father and it really hit me hard#he was talking about teaching his son how to brush his teeth when he was two (the son is an adult now)#but he handed the kid the tooth paste and his son took the tube and squeezed it so hard it exploded all over the bathroom#and he was angry but he just said ''well now we need a new tube of toothpaste buddy'' and laughed about it#he was talking about how wonderful it is to be able to teach a tiny human about the world and how rewarding it was to be a father#and i nearly started bawling#theres a lot pf things about my childhood ive convinced myself were normal and i mean i guess they were#trauma is common#but sometimes i still grieve the childhood i could have had and the father my bio dad could have been#if i had squeezed the toothpaste too hard as a kid my bio dad would probably start screaming at me or hitting me#he would always do that shit over small stuff#he did other things too like embarass me or leave me by myself in public places or forget to feed and bathe me#and for the longest time i convinced myself that was normal. or that other people had it worse and i should be greatful he wasnt worse#but stories like that really put things into perspective#i wish i could've grown up in a household where both of my parents loved me amd loved raising me#i wish my bio dad had been a decent person who treated me and my mom better#i wish i had squeezed the toothpaste too hard and he had laughed
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🐀
#vent in the tags o7#I got on Twitter a too much and see the coachella 2024 on the recommended feed#it makes me sad because I’m not a music guy so I wouldn’t have cared much#but mcyt’s quirked up white boy was meant to be there and#it’s really like why are people terrible?#I wish he did not abuse women#but I guess in a sad selfish way#idk how to word it’s just. man#the dsmp adjacent scene is so fucked up rn#there isn’t a lot of joy left in the fandom space I lurked in#so I guess I miss that#that maybe if mr gold wasnt awful things would be normal#maybe Wilbur soot underpaid those qsmp employees actually#(for legal reasons that is a joke)
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having aa5 bayo origins thoughts( ´-`) ill ramble in the tags
#normally id do this on my twt priv but my friends on there havent finished aa5/played bayo origins#so i dont want to spoil#also idk i think id juzt like to ramble on here#anyway I STILL DONT KNOW who will be lukaon...#nothing romantic will be Implied in this au i do not want anything to do w that....#i had the idea of simon being lukaon so that aura is motivated to get her brother back#but i *really* want simon to be cheshire#so maybe.. ill connect it somehow#speaking of simon he wont be able to talk normally and has to talk using widget#idk. just thought it would be fun#since cheshire doesnt really have a voice.. in a way(?#idk how to word it but YOU KNOW!!.!!!!#also i just dont want to give him a mouthLOL#and aura.. was looking at morganas wiki page the other day to get a picture and was reading the description of#the character page of her demon masquerade form#''each [morgana and lex] have nothing but endless rage built up in their heart.''#and was like waaa.... aura......#that really wanted me to connect simon to lukaon in a way#ill figure it out....#the wisps will probably just still be the wisps in origins#i thought of the idea of them looking like the robots wifh hearts robots but i was like#hm. maybe. idk#again ill figure it out.. i just wish i wasnt so busy w school weh#also i still havent finished my bayo origins anniversary art. help.#I NEED MORE FREE TIME#ok ramblkng over bye . i will probably do this again#athena and the lost demon#i dont have a text post tag
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just another diary entry obvs
#i still feel so sad#yk i mean i take things very deeply very personally im sure some people remember may '21 lol#but this is just very hard for me because im so confused#why would you let resentment build towards someone about something they dont even know theyre doing to bother you#to the point that youre hurting the other person and they dont even know why for the longest time#it hurts a lot it wasnt even addressed at all until i brought it up bcs i couldn't stand not knowing and yet feeling so hurt and confused#i needed to know it wasn't in my head and i was right#but now im second guessing everything they talked to me so normally said they care about me all the way up until the day before#but ive felt the distance for a while so do they love me like they said or was that not true#if they dont then im such an idiot i really care about them i really respect them and love them#idk im really hurting very badly#really stupid for a 25 yr old to feel so hurt because they annoyed someone#but i just wish it was addressed sooner and for someone who prides themselves on being open and honest and direct..#it feels like they maybe just didnt care enough to talk to me about it.#so yk maybe they dont care about me.#which also feels like an offensive conclusion to come to about them when they dont lie and value honesty and openness so much#i dont want to think they dont love me bcs i do think i know them pretty well i do think theyd never lie about that#but maybe ive only convinced myself of that because it would hurt far worse if they didnt#whatever anyways im so stupid and i know i must have fucked things up by being too much again.#ill leave them alone and the hurt will ease up eventually#their friendship has meant a lot to me theyve done a lot for me i dont want to lose it completely i really dont#i just dont regulate well how much i care for my friends and its too much sometimes its one of the worst things about me#but i genuinely want my friends to know theyre loved and thought of and cared about and i mean it#and i cant always tell when i hit overbearing so i fuck things up.#anyways i am sorry i made someone i care about feel overwhelmed and i regret that i made them uncomfortable for i dont even know how long#im hurt but thats the worst thing i couldve done#okay ill shut up now stop talking about it its just still fresh to me obviously cant talk abt it on twt and they dont follow me here#i needed to vent without my irl friends 'fuck them' attitude bcs theyre a good person and friend and it does feel like its only my fault#for the most part anyways minus yk the communication bit#but we'll circle back to the do they even count us friends doubts and we dont need that ill move on now needed to get it off my chest
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