#like from the government or smth
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I am genuinely so terrified of the fact that I have to find a job now. I'm trying to think of or look up a job that's suitable for my mentally ill autistic ass and I just. I don't know. Everything either requires some very specific qualifications that I don't have, or seems at best awfully exhausting, at worst literally putting me in danger. And I'm not even exaggerating, I genuinely think that working in retail, for example, could possibly kill me if I was forced to do that job for long enough. I sometimes get overwhelmed to the point of crying when there's too many other customers while I'm shopping, I can't imagine working in an environment like that. I suppose physical jobs could work, I've been to this blueberry plantation twice last week and mentally I was fine, but it was. So tiring. And you don't even make that much money a day, I don't think I could earn enough even if I did work there everyday, not to mention it's only a seasonal job. Right now it's fine for me to go there every now and then, but if I wanted to move out and become independent I'd have to get an actual day job. And that sounds impossible. The only job that sounds good to me is being an artist, it's not too mentally or physically difficult, and it's something I enjoy. But I'd have to get commissions constantly or start a small business or something like that to actually survive. And I'm not saying it's impossible, I know that people can live by being an artist, but it's so hard to get into that field. I wish I could do it but I dont know if it's possible for me. Makes me wanna cry. I hate this I hate that my brain isn't suited for this world and still I have to participate in all that shit that everyone has to do. My brain isn't made for working like that
#I've talked about this a lot with my sister who is also autistic#and were both like. on a similar level of autism i dont know how to properly explain it#were functioning in similar ways i guess#and we both agreed that we're in this awkward spot of being autistic#where we're not suited for living in this world the way we're expected#but we're good enough at surviving that we can't really ask for help#like from the government or smth#im not sure if im making sense#but like neither of us ever had a normal job for longer than a few days#she's incredibly lucky bc her boyfriend (also autistic lol) has rich parents#so he's able to have a small business where hes making youtube content and games and merch#and he gets financial support from his parents. so he can have the job he feels comfortable with and enjoys#and my sister is now able to work with him. theyre both making their silly little games and trinkets and are able to live normally#which is just so great for her i love that. im also so jealous lmao#and then theres me who also is made for creating art and not much else but im not lucky enough to be able to do that and survive#idk. my mom is great and doesn't put too much pressure on me. she was the one to take me to that blueberry job#and she really supprts my plans to be an artist full time#but still. thats really difficult to do. ugh#sometimes i wish that i either wasnt autistic at all or was 'less functioning' so at least i could get some help with living#bee buzz
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ehehe 4 arm raph,,, with glasses,,,
anyway hes made projections with 4 arms,,, so now he has 4 arms
The birth of a raphsona??? perhaps???
the first time i drew raph ,,,,,, and that was using a shit ton of refs. nice to see a lil improvement :] this uses no refs except for the pose cause I'm an obsessed sdfjkasgj this is my drug,,,, think I fucked up the legs tho,, wanted to crop em out but eh. made em too big lol
someone give me drawing ideas I'm on a fukin roll
ps I literally only draw raph like u see people who either don't draw raph or draw everyone
no
I don't know how to draw anyone but raph ok and im fine with that all I need is raph
#i swear i did not mean to make him pretty it just happened I swear#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt#rottmnt raph#tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#i was on smth when drawing this#got an ipad from the government and started drawing on ibis#and holy shit#ibis paint x#is top teir#its a great drawing program#i cant beleive i spent so much on csp ex#but eh ddint have enythign good to use ibis on#this is amazing im addicted ive been drawing nonstop since i got this help#i drew this shit from memory can u beleive that like wtfff#my art#need to make a tag system
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was talking abt this earlier n now im really curious, so, writer friends
#i hope that makes sense like#i never really make drafts or outlines; at most ill jot down really brief scene descriptors just to remember i want to add smth#but most of the time i write whatever scene comes to mind bc i am governed by adhd#a lot of times i start w the confession scene and figure out the story that leads up to it after the fact#i hear this is uncommon 😭#ohh ok now im thinking about it i guess lots (most?) of people will have a process thats more like#'hm i want to write an X au!' and then go from there#vs my process is 'its 12.45am and i just thought of a random snatch of dialogue. lets see where this goes'
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#me when i have a BA in writing and also massive writer's block#i really want to write some tos fic obviously but everything just feels wrong#i guess i'm just intimidated by how much trek fic is out there and how many people have probably done the same ideas far better than me#like i know that's stupid and i should just be free but it's really REALLY getting in my way#i just feel like everything i write is cringe and sounds like smth a 14 yr old would write even though i know i'm a good writer#(again. looks at degree.)#but still#plus i have no inspiration to finish editing heaven on their minds because. well. it's not star trek.#and i'm also applying to grad school right now and have to provide writing samples ofc but all i've written over the last year is fanfic#and i have no ideas for anything original and i don't want to submit smth from over a year ago (from when i was still in school)#because it doesn't represent my writing now#i know i can just revise smth but I Have No Motivation#idk this week has also been so busy so by the time i get home and have time to write i just don't#uuugggghhhh#plus i'm waiting for a job to get back to me about my application and long story short it's been 3 months since i started the application#process and i'm still waiting#i know i'm going to get the job because i know the woman who's hiring me but i have to be approved by the government yadda yadda yadda#whatever dude whateevveerr#brb drowning my sorrows by reading spones fic#my only emotional escape has been wanting to fuck spock and bones i mean what#personal#delete later
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as a criminology student, i would honestly love to read an comics arc about the role of the police in vigilantism because i just think it's under-discussed for such a nuanced and complex topic.
#marvel comics#dc comics#honestly i just may not have read it yet#i'm pretty new still to comics and am only just working my way through some of the really important runs and events#not trying to defend the police here btw just like#i find it so interesting that although the point of vigilantism is to go AGAINST the police system#so many heroes still work closely with the police and trust somewhat in the way they're doing things#maybe it's more of an ongoing point of conversation that can't be explored in just a 'run' or smth#but i don't think it's really talked about enough nowadays#it's why i'm really excited for the upcoming 'absolute power' stuff from dc even though everyone seems to dislike waller#like it's a government entity getting involved in superheroism and inherently blurring the lines between what's good and what's bad#and talking about HOW to deal with crime and whether or not the superhero way is the right way or not#i like that it's bringing up these important topics#hot take but i definitely think if they brought back a character in the mythos that worked within the system#they could have an even better conversation about all of this#i def need to like take a look through the '90s/'00s nightwing runs again#but i think officer dick grayson was a good idea with just horrible execution#it was very much like 'you CAN fix corruption if you just get the right individuals in there'#which i definitely do not think is true#but the idea of having someone who has seen the system from the outside being put into the fold#and realizing that there's so much about the system that we DO NOT KNOW ABOUT#and dealing with the moral dilemmas of being in an occupation filled with oxymorons#and trying to figure out if they can handle this type of life#i think it would be at the very least good for character development#anyways#that's my rant#q speaks
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oh my god im a fucking DUMBASS. a friend told me its Fun that i started reading Detective Comics and i was like ????? no i didnt. they told me I DID and i was confused bc the only new comic that ive been reading are DC comics and that is how i learned that the Full Government Name of DC comics is fucking DETECTIVE COMIC COMICS??????
#dc comics#this is so fucking embarrassing#why does dc comics have a government name#in my defense i thought its like washington dc or smth#idk im not from america#idk how they name comics there
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I wouldn't be here if it wasn't because of him.
#like. that time. i was suicidal a lot and barbatos wasn't smiling and all..#or the time i was hallucinating his arms around me and his breathing on ky forehead#or the time i heard him making something in the kicthen#or the fact that he saved me from falling into her trap again#or the fact that I try to keep my life healthy because of him#or the time i offered him smth#it's not even obsession at this point he's my literal saviour#you can't expect me to believe he isn't real. watching. hearing. helping.#oh and the time I said the day I won't smile at barb is the day I die and I still smile at him like i met him yesterday.#call me obsessed. not like that I care. I want to live. even if its because of a “fictional character”#idc. he isn't fiction to me.. I mean. walk in my shoes and you'll get what I'm going through.#also my traumas being related to governments . torture and things like that.. with Barb it all feels softer. lighter. it helps me cope.#ahhh I just read a comment about brbatos breaking forth wall and gell into memory lane I'm fine I'm just loving barb <3#barbaposting
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Bruhhh I think the guy that used to live at my place is breaking into my mailbox regularly 😭
#it’s a long story I’ve been finding it open or half open in the morning fairly often#and I do get important mail for him which is what I think he’s looking for. I’ve never had anything important go missing#but like. he KNOWS I’m willing to give him his mail bc at first I’d text him and he’d say he’d come get it but never would#if he’d just communicate w me he wouldn’t have to fucking break into my mailbox#and like I get IMPORTANT mail for him like tax docs!!!!#during covid I got his covid relief checks!!!!!!#I get stuff for his business!!!!!!#he even had his groceries delivered here once…… he did come get those#he could just text me instead of taking a crowbar to my fucking mailbox!!!!!!!#he is so weird I actually think he never updated his government address from my place#like. if he’s homeless or smth I get it and im fine with it. but I need him to tell me and not break into my shit#he has given me a ton of other red flags too. I just don’t know what his deal is#I don’t need to get into it too much but the state of the house and interacting with him has always been so confusing#and I’ve lived here for over 2 years at this point!!!!!#I’m gonna have a chat w my post officer next time I see her and see what she recommends
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Why do they say dragon is luffy's father but doesn't look much like him... I mean it is true but why point it out... in that way he doesn't look like garp either
#i thot we were gonna get baby luffy but no.... old man luffy.....#also the opening is so intense 'dreams save all of us' and the arc starts with luffys dream i might throw up#zoro and brook staying behind to protect them from the government.... yeah.... VEGAPUNK AND DRAGON??? ACTUALLY FLABBERGASTED#maybe vegapunk is part of the rev army but then he modified kuma on the behalf of the gov??? thats so cruel.....#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1094#the fucking opening..... dream save all of us like okay damn it goes hard#incredible how they just take the hit from the laser.... minor injuries that's all... seraphim jinbe has mr pink's power???#how come sanji hasnt immediately jumped on the seraphim like god. and nami not being able to hurt children yeaaahhhh ROBIN GO OFF!!!#zoro conveniently being the only one who doesnt see the seraphim..... come on....#york what an icon i wish thay were my job too. eat shit sleep amazing#900 YEARS AGO???? EMPTY CENTURY TIME!!!!!!!! LETSGOOOOO D LORE D LORE D LORE#episode 1095#and that is IT for today. yesterday i watched like 5 today we are measured.#<- this is when you find out i stack episodes on my posts even if i dont watch them one after the other...#i am sensitive rn and the preview has ohara and robin crying i am not making it out of this one folks#YEAH YEHA THE KINGDOM (OF THE D I AM SURE) VS THE WORLD GOV usopp hitting his head against the floor akdjka#clover and noland have to be related the flora on head has to be genetic or smth#also now they showed lulusiq being obliterated we can assume imu was responsible for destroying this advanced kingdom right#THE BOOKS FROM OHARA MADE IT????!!!!! DRAGON IN OHARA??? THEY HAVE THEM??? BUT THEIR BASE BURNED????#luffy calling the robot robo ace. should i end it all rn be honest. and the robot turned on. nvm someone was in there#vegapunk meeting with luffy knowing dragon oof also ohara was in the west blue???? wow#episode 1096#that giant was the one in dressrosa??? hierjudin??? omg dragon without his tattoo... 33?? damn he is 55 now...#OMG JAGUAR D SAUL GIANT FROM ELBAF????? VEGAPUNK DIDNT JOIN THE REVILUTIONARIES??? SELL OUT!!!#dragon pacifist???? god this lore. sanji didnt know about ivasan??? the books are in elbaf... with saul.... omg.....robin ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#jinbes face reacting to vegapunks fruit ajdjsjs did vegapunk cut off his head? is he stupid?? -luffy#vegapunk wants to make wikipedia.... omg lucci already too... the robot attacked marie geoise ✍️✍️✍️#episode 1097
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Still so fucking crazy that one of Leon’s absolutely most important character informing moments happens in one of the goddamn Wii railshooters 😭
#Sometimes I feel like I hallucinated it or smth like Oh the fact that his own life and the life/well-being of a 12 yr old girl were#held over his head to force him to be a super secret agent and bio weapon specialist guy for the government for like ever#is just a popular headcanon to smooth out the transition from re2 to re-- Oh no they actually said that out loud for real.#In The Rail Shooter.#re#The straight up evil framing is what kills me abt it the most I think like they didn't even try to make it seem like this was a remotely#good or fortunate thing for him 💀#Evil foreboding music as the american flag waves...#We're gonna periodically retraumatize you for the rest of your life basically is that fine? You can't say no.
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once again asking begging for a rival
#like fuckkk#i wanna beat someone up and get beat up by someone. but like. erotically but not? yknow????#i want to be treated wholely as a person and hated for no reason. i just want to hate someone and be mean to someone without reason#i want to not be treated like a delicate little flower for once! i want to be able to show my emotions insted of constantly repressing them!#i want to get bloody noses and broken lips and black eyes and bruises to litter my body not from my own direct doing#i want to be on the same level with someone. on the same level enough to be able to hate eachpther but take care of eachother#i want to love the hate i could have for someone#or just fuck- i want to be treated either as a person or as something wholely not. one or the other just not pityed#hate being soft spoken and frail and get talked over and just constantly feel like a girl in worst ways#i want to cry and be angry with someone that can cry and be angry with me#i cant love but fuck if i dont want smth close to it. am have soft sweet amazing boyfriend but at same timd i just.#i want to hurt someone and have someone hurt me just to feel something more. i keep saying this but i wish when i wasnt programed#by government to be convinient for them. to be convinient to those around me. i want to feel and be angry again.#i have a right to be upset for everything thats happened to me and those i care for and should be allowed to say it.#fuck man- i just want someone to kick me when im down physically and be there for me silently when neex#need someone to punch me for being a doofus. fuck fuck i just want someone that will treat me like a equal on a level.#i want to be hurt like im strong. i want to hit and punch and kick and be allowed to be violent#its not healthy to hold in but im forced to for others and i hate it. i like being nice i dont want to be mean#but i also just so badly want to be violent. to be able to express pain and hurt and feel like i should. like wish could. its not fair#anyways vent rambles sryyy-#vent#tw vent#in tags but yee#want to be hurt and hurt someone else on equal healthy consensual level yk?
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heiy hi it is beny but im from my main blog to send images and like . stay Safe w the russia things ya ??? queer ppl so hot we r never going anywhere and things will get better and ya :-) im asumign ur in russia mabey ur not STAY SAFE ANYWAY that is a direvt Threat
im being fuckign threatened !!!!!!!!!! runs Away
#but yeah we're from russia#hoping things will improve#there were news of like queer rights activists working on getting european countries to like start accepting russians as emigrants or smth#im pretty sure#but yeah the government wants us to suffer so we'll need to flourish instead i guess#asks#thank you benny#pats you
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assassin himeru au
#<- filled with thoughts about a slightly off version of the main story#where himeru and kohaku are hired by two different sides (godfather + es?) to take out rinne and niki#because they've been doing a lot of under the table activities during their lives and shit#i was telling lis maybe theyve been wanted for robbery or smth but they're stealing money thats being laundered by these sides that theyve#managed to get details on the meetings on or whatever and they redistribute it back to the people who it was stolen from#or barring that if they cant figure it out for whatever reason just redistributing it to people who need it and reporting the crimes to the#government or whatever. and himeru and kohaku have to have a 'are we the baddies' moment while they've got#knives to rinne and nikis throats (i need himeru and rinne to be paired + niki and kohaku#bc of REASONS like rinne is the only one who can worm his way into meru's mind like that bc he's annoying#and niki really just shows genuine kindness to both of them but particularly kohaku and kohaku is like.#is this what it feels like to have someone care about you unconditionally#as niki is talking about what they're doing for dinner that night and trying not to cry as kohaku struggles to keep going with his plan#) and anyway they have a we're the baddies moment and turn coat and now they form crazyb to be like. double face if it was worse at#their job. you get me?#shay speaks
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tthe first post i can find abt kajii on the old blog is from may 21 2020 bbut its me saying i forgot i had a crush on him. s o i think he's been plaguing me for much longer
#jesus christ. why him of all people#itd be hard to track down exactly when for multiple reasons but mainly bc i did not know how to#spell his name until like a yesr ago. i kept fucking it uphfhdjskfk#idid find smth i n the old polycule server from feb 19th 2020. which would be extremely funny#bc thats when i f/od him in 2022#government mandated anniversary literally#gush:{💣}
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Imagine being a student and only having to worry abt studying...couldn't be me
#i'm handling 3882 things on top of my studies#i love my bff but we're from like. two different realities it's tragically hilarious#like they're posting abt their 7th trip of the year on their insta story and i'm sitting here wondering when i'm getting my meal tickets#from the government so my sister and i can eat smth other than like bread/pretzels#and i'm not envious cuz i also know they have a lot of issues and their mom is a tool but ig#i'm just bitter abt the fact that like. other people get to have the college life everyone talks just cuz they were born in the right family#y'know??#and it's not smth i like to dwell on for too long but i just had therapy and we talked abt this#and my therapist pointed out that like. i simply do not have a 'typical' reality. her exact words#and yeah#venting#personal
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Got the local 16 year old employee to listen to Muse today. She's one of the most normal ppl who work at the store. Super sweet, but Super sheltered.
I mentioned how my "modern rock" tag on Spotify is like 80% Muse, Des Rocs, and Nothing But Thieves, & she was like "I have heard of None of those". And I told her "you Probably have heard Muse, even if you didn't know it" & mentioned they have a song in Twilight. & she was like "Wait, really????"
So I played Supermassive Black Hole & she looooved it. & she asked for me to play more of Muse, so I did :')
She's still almost painfully normal overall, but I can at least help spread some new music tastes to her
#speculation nation#she asked if my rock playlist i was playing is a public playlist (aka could she listen to it herself)#and i was just like. sorry im literally just shuffling my spotify likes by music genre :(#& she was like 'oh okay. well ill try listening to more muse and des rocs' bc she liked some of the des rocs that played too#she asked what made smth Rock music & i mentioned it being rowdy and generally fun music (at least to me)#though also generally politically progressive. especially punk rock music#ive gotten in a few conversations with her about these kinds of things. like the treatment of muslim people by the french government#& she brought up how black people are treated there too (she's black so Definitely smth understandable for her to care about)#and today we were talking about classes & got on the topic of history and how we both haaaate history classes#but i mentioned it's important for us to know history anyways so we can try to avoid repeating mistakes in history#& mentioned bullshit like holocaust deniers. so we had a convo about antisemitism & how bullshit it is#idk she may be a normie but i do enjoy talking to her. not everything has to be about nerd interests all the time.#honestly i like being a positive adult figure in a handful of teens' lives.#i may not be perfect but i hope i can impart little nuggets of wisdom to them from time to time.
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