#so yk maybe they dont care about me.
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just another diary entry obvs
#i still feel so sad#yk i mean i take things very deeply very personally im sure some people remember may '21 lol#but this is just very hard for me because im so confused#why would you let resentment build towards someone about something they dont even know theyre doing to bother you#to the point that youre hurting the other person and they dont even know why for the longest time#it hurts a lot it wasnt even addressed at all until i brought it up bcs i couldn't stand not knowing and yet feeling so hurt and confused#i needed to know it wasn't in my head and i was right#but now im second guessing everything they talked to me so normally said they care about me all the way up until the day before#but ive felt the distance for a while so do they love me like they said or was that not true#if they dont then im such an idiot i really care about them i really respect them and love them#idk im really hurting very badly#really stupid for a 25 yr old to feel so hurt because they annoyed someone#but i just wish it was addressed sooner and for someone who prides themselves on being open and honest and direct..#it feels like they maybe just didnt care enough to talk to me about it.#so yk maybe they dont care about me.#which also feels like an offensive conclusion to come to about them when they dont lie and value honesty and openness so much#i dont want to think they dont love me bcs i do think i know them pretty well i do think theyd never lie about that#but maybe ive only convinced myself of that because it would hurt far worse if they didnt#whatever anyways im so stupid and i know i must have fucked things up by being too much again.#ill leave them alone and the hurt will ease up eventually#their friendship has meant a lot to me theyve done a lot for me i dont want to lose it completely i really dont#i just dont regulate well how much i care for my friends and its too much sometimes its one of the worst things about me#but i genuinely want my friends to know theyre loved and thought of and cared about and i mean it#and i cant always tell when i hit overbearing so i fuck things up.#anyways i am sorry i made someone i care about feel overwhelmed and i regret that i made them uncomfortable for i dont even know how long#im hurt but thats the worst thing i couldve done#okay ill shut up now stop talking about it its just still fresh to me obviously cant talk abt it on twt and they dont follow me here#i needed to vent without my irl friends 'fuck them' attitude bcs theyre a good person and friend and it does feel like its only my fault#for the most part anyways minus yk the communication bit#but we'll circle back to the do they even count us friends doubts and we dont need that ill move on now needed to get it off my chest
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my n1 guilty pleasure is thinkin that post m2 lauretta moved deeper into criminal after several years & ended up sentenced to jail somewhere in the middle of 1970s
#sorry... had to say it. maybe i just want her to run a brothel&etc somewhere out of empire bay and#giving interviews and shit and she's in her 60+s. and ofc it's a furor. and she enjoys it (more than?) a bit#yk i just was writing texts for SC for m2 women some time ago#and im sorry .. in my delusional head if she got the chance to be in charge; havin the same amount of power#as carlo she'd be so much worse than him (<- here it means better i suppose)#i mean if she'd end up in criminal ofc she cant have an equal position it's clear etc#i just enjoy her being cruel and having no morals. why to let go all this#m2#also it'd be funny if eddie & lauretta'd keep in touch. both end up in jail#i need her to cause a furor genuinely. M4 could be if not exactly bout her#(i'm mentally bargaining w 2kczech) but at least takin place in her area of control#i remember some1 made a post like evil women in mafia series when#Here she is. Here's the woman#sorry. i may be cringe but i had to say it bc i sometimes think bout it since spring#michelle gurevich makes me think bout lauretta its like a ring bell for Pavlov's dogs#Where is this tt sound. “I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! i dont care about homeless fucking people!”#<- lauretta in my eyes#i also need her w wrinkles n greying hair so bad. im a weak person. im lying i need everything above so bad#*picture of a cat w wet eyes*
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mentally preparing myself for a switch from cherik to chax if the mcu x-men follow the comics direction
id be very surprised if people actually did- on a massive scale- switch to 'chax' when the majority, even comic readers, still call magneto erik i'll be tbh elkjaeklj BUT its not impossible ... probably ..
tho part of that may In Fact be due to the fact some people haven't learned that name yet. For Sure if it were used in the mcu/cartoons it'd become more common knowledge but still, i think most people would just stick with 'cherik' for convenience/familiarity
#snap chats#'chax' just makes me think of flax seeds i dont think ill get used to it ever#tho its not like i havent seen it before where a fandom pretty quickly agrees to change the name of a ship name#a lot of people would prob stick to 'cherik' just for the fact its been here so long and its like. If It Aint Broke right#In Theory itd take a while to catch on is because 'max' is exclusive to the comics#BUT yeah if they started to introduce 'max' into the cartoons and especially the mcu theeeen maybe ?#theres also that 'max' is kiinda context sensitive? like magneto introduces himself to charles /as/ erik#if you were writing a fic/making art set before that name reveal to charles then. yk what i mean#but ig if you dont care too much about that type of thing then its Whatever time to maximize max and the sort#my ass thinking TOO MUCH about it we'll just have to see what happens. IF that even happens#it wouldnt be impossible to introduce 'max eisenhardt' into the mcu i just wonder how theyd go about it....
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thinking about frank and sex (in a sad way)
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#not as in about sex with him but like how hes portrayed in relation to it in the comics if that makes sense#hes just always so deeply uninterested not just in the women but the act itself too like#so many times hes like. not pressured thats the wrong word but like i can think of at least two times i saw#where the women just kinda. walk themselves into his bed. and hes like 'eh idk about this' but then just kinda does it anyway#like i imagine the writers intended for this to be like a cool guy thing yk like ah he gets so much action and he DOESNT CARE cuz hes COOL#but ME personally i cant help but read it like. god idk i dont want to say him letting himself get used and using them in turn#theres this expression 'going through the motions' that kind of feels right here but idk how to explain it#hes just so weird about it. every time. in my mind i cant imagine him ever really wanting it very much#like maybe to feel good sometimes but its never. idk am i making sense am i just saying shit#is he gay asexual missing his dead wife or just so so fucking traumatized and dead on the inside that his body is just an object now#so many fun ways to interpret this#<guy who is not having fun interpreting this#wish i could just project my thoughts into your heads so youd see exactly what i mean cuz i dont feel im verbalizing this well enough#god take a shot every time i say 'like' or 'just'. youll be off your face from this post only#i may be making shit up tbh idk the thought struck me out of nowhere while i was looking at the ceiling
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he wouldve saved every1 on titanic
#YEAH IM POSTING THIS ON MAIN IDK#GET OUT OF MY DRAFTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#no its not staying in there#yall ever just think about paw patrol? ok cause me 2#dude childhood show kinda? idk i used 2 watch it but like in the way i felt ashamed bc i was 2 old#now i just dont care#guys its dogs they r dogs i lvoe dogs i lvoe silly#sometimes u need those shows in ur life lol#do i tag..........i kinda dont wanna fill up the tags#zuma#yeah :3#thats it#mayb a lil a lil personal tag#mayb a lil#pp#yk yk??? ITS SILLY#IT#GUYS UNDERSTAND MY GENIUS BC PP STANTS 4 BOTH THE SHOW NAME & IS LIKE MY NAME?!?!?!#insane ik ik im so oooo smart#i need 2 shut up#im rambling bc im still shaky wtf#asolikhfhhhhfds
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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Ohhhh i now remember why i got shy about talking abt ocs
24/7 fear that someone will tell me my ideas are cliche/stupid/bad in some other and it will hurt more bc these are my own creations and not just fun and play
#kurjatxt#i was trying 2 explain some stuff and i was immediately like#:/ does this feel like some kinf of weird hype for ancient mysticism and does that go into promoting the current day false ideas plaguing#people that make them drink unpasturized milk :/#is this too based on my view on magic from my enviroment bc it is based on my personal experience on seeking safety in#nostalgia and playing w the idea of balancing what you get from the past and integrating it into the future vs. just being stuck in the#past vs. the danger of completely rejecting the past told through the lense of smth i loved as a child: fantasy/magic/fairytales :/#and could be alienating and immature and demeaningly simple to other people who grew up in an enviroment already more inclined to#this kind of balance :/#or is me thinking about this demeaning to people bc i should be able to trust them to see what i make as silly ramblings by some random#tumble user just exploring their own experiences through story instead of trying to make some large sweeping statements about#the world and its reality :/#or is it bad of me to be careless about bc of COURSE i should put the upmost care into what i put out into the world and make sure that#everything i make is inclusive and as accessible to as many different types of people to relate to :/#or is that dumb is that limiting to art and am i giving a bad example and furthering the idea of people#havibg to make everything as palatable to everyone as possible JUST in case that nobody gets even slightly hurt or annoyed :/#man being a creator is hard OOPS that is also an evil thing to say being a creator is the luckiest thing you can ever be and ur just beinh#a whiny bitchbaby :/#<-#all that just. a small portion of the overthinking#and yk what it started from?#thr statement '<#in this world magic can be kind of more compared to how modern science is approached'#THAT SENTENC3#I AM SO STRESSED ABOUT#WhY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS!!!! I DONT KNOW!!!#sorry this is prolly the longest tags ive ever put on a post sorry to whoever opened the see more for this#its just. i think tj3 first tim3 ive been able.to expresw the circles my brain does and its kind of therapeutic#maybe i should start writing these circles down more often so i could see how dumb they rly are on paper#instead.of fretting inside my heae
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just watched my brother graduate
#he looks so different i havent seen him in YEARS#i was in preschool so i think. 11 years. idk im bad at math#but theres no way i wouldve recognized him if my dad hadnt pointed him out#post posting#told myself i wouldn't be all sad#but yk#cant help but wonder if he cares that we watched#or if his mom even told him#idk shes kinda#yk#i wonder if his mom will show him the video when i graduate#or if he'll even want to watch#ugh this SUCKS#i dont talk about him a lot but its mostly cause my dad doesnt tell me anything about him#i know its his son and he never gets to see him or anything#but hes also my brother#and im old enough to remember knowing him at one point#my other brother isnt#so like. both of them are feeling different things than i am. obviously.#but i cant talk to my friends about it#cause none of them have half siblings and people are SUPER weird about it for some reason#and i mean it just really sucks to have a literal brother who i knew at one point and have good memories with#but also know absolutely nothing about#i mean how can someone know absolutely nothing about their own brother#idk#its not like he knows much about me#hes older so maybe he remembers more#but i DOUBT his mom talks about us#i wonder if he even wants to get to know us
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when the symptoms of an ED actually symptom and you are not the exception to the rule that not eating is not good for humans bruh moment
#it made me a worse person in every way#i dont have a personality or identity outside of being skinny#i really feel like people only know me as skinny not that maybe i have interests or hobbies or thoughts and feelings#but also i cant gain weight because people dont care about my personality so atleast i am someone to them physically yk#4na bitches know whats up
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‼️‼️‼️
guys pls pls pls pls send some fluffy/sweet things into my inbox- it could be requests, u just yapping ab ur day, hcs on a character, idrc im just feeling a bit sad tbh (also side note pls send in some fluffy dc asks i have sooo many nsfw asks and not enough fluff)
#rose rambling#i keep telling myself that im gonna get into batman beyond but every. fucking. time. i read tims lore in the beyond verse i ruin myself#(thats only part of the reason why im sad but. yk. i dont wanna overshare. sigh.)#same w the dc vampire au the fact that dick killed all of the robins makes me ILL#i dont know why i care so much about the batfam being happy but i just. wish they were happy in the dc timeline#(maybe its cuz i see my own family dynamic in theirs- they all care for eachother deeply but theyre all so traumatized individually that-#-they end up hurting eachother)#once again getting sad over fictional things...#and then also irl things that i don't really wanna talk ab rn#but yk#ANYWAYS! pls send in fluffy asks!#they dont even have to be requests#just some positive things idk#i desperately need some tim drake requests like i really want to hug him
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0
i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3
#snap chats#SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3#ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i#moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since#BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point#if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of#'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like#like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling#the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly#which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word#like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation#so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor#i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj#yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested#like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out#i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH#but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god#i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was#tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch#and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ#coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror#i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant#if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review#OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do#so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl#god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj#anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading
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.
#not feeling so great as of lately#i thought it was just that i was thinking about stuff at a too late of a time yesterday but now its morning and i still feel bad#sure i slept very badly so maybe its still that but idk it still doesnt feel great no matter what the reason is#i feel like. so annoying lately#and like yea maybe i am and it shouldnt matter yk like all that ur allowed to be annoying and just be urself and whatever#but it just of takes a lot out of u when u t talk about ur interests or ur day or smth ands like everyone just brushes it off or ignores u#and obviously im probably being dramatic like this is a busy time of the year!#and its not always about me and like other ppl have their reasons to do what they do u know#but it still feels bad :'))#also this isnt about like anyone specific its like a combination of little things that FEELS bad to ME not a thing someone else does#like i know ppl dont have to care about stuff yk i like that i KNOW they dont care about so like what do i expect#and i dont ever know what to say to stuff idk anything about either so its very understandable#but its took me years to like. talk about things i like without prompting so it feels like a big hit when i dont get any reaction back fsgsh#and thats not trying to blame anyone else either its not anybody elses fault im not good at something#i think my kind of insecurity is showing one of my friends had to reassure me that yes they do want to hear how im doing fsgsh#but im thankful for that it feels good to hear when ur feeling kind of unstable with ur relationships fshsh#also since i am feeling like. unstable on EVERY relationship i suspect its just seasonal depression or stress or something#still wont stop the brain from like trying to blame itself lmao#this is kind of stupid idk what im trying to even say here#my post#vent#maybe ill delete it later?? this feels stupid
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Shut up jily blueprint why are you drawing jegulus
this is an extremely funny ask to leave in my inbox considering the last marauders fanart i posted was literally jily
obviously you already know that people can ship whatever they like and its extremely rude to leave these kinds of messages in peoples asksboxes considering youve been terrorising my friends with these exact kinda messages for the last couple days, so i dont think i need to tell you this again
#hp#asks#also with the lack of commas in this ask i am honestly not even 100% sure if youre for or against jily#like are you saying to shut up about the jilyy blueprint#or are you telling me to shut up because jily is the blueprint#maybe send me a rude messages a little more clearly cause i am incredibly bad at reading tone and intent#yk just some friendly advise#either way i will draw as much jily and jegulus fanart as i want cause against popular (your) belief i actually just do it cause i enjoy it#not to please some random people on the internet#so i really dont care <33
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istg im gonna kill everyones boyfriends so someone will hang out with me again i might not be there when u get dumped again LMAOOOOO just kiddingggg................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
#getting real tired of being ignored by my homies everytime they have some new boytoy#and then when we do hang out all we talk abt is their STUPID FUCKING BOYFRIEND#I DO NOT CARE ABOUT JAKE SO WRITE THAT DOWN#and i really dont care if he thinks im funny or not im so serious hes on thin fucking ice as it is#'oh i think hes the one i think we might get married' or 'this is a video of him after surgery isnt he so funny?'🥺#im killing him with my mind actually but yeah cool glad your'e happy ig#maybe im being so so selfish but the crushing loneliness and the constant nostalgia is fuckijg killing meee#it cant be that difficult to make time for your friends once a month or smthng#and then they have the audacity to send me memes like they know me HAHAAHAHAHAHAH#or try to reminisce as if im not thinking abt the good ol days every day cuz i miss when i hung out with my friends yk?#WHATEVER WHATEVER I JUST HAVE TO BEND LIKE A REED IN THE WIND OR WHATEVER#let the fear wash over me and follow the path and see that all that is left is me ykwim??#yayayyyyyy#mine
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I REACHED MAX TAGS ON MY LAST POST COMPLAINING ABOUT DRAWING MY FAVS
#anyways#picking back up where those left off#now that i think about it the only ones i can draw satisfactorily are haru 😭😭#sakuyas fun to draw plus i love his color palette#same deal for citron but i also feel obligated to be able to draw them and azuma bc f/o status#itarus hair is fun#and i do love drawing that perpetual 'fml' face#i need to stare at pictures of tsuzuru every time i draw him to make sure i get his hair right but unlike with tenma it end up looking right#i have to pull up masumi refs when i draw him too bc i just CANNOT get the bleach pattern right on my own#but other than that hes a breeze#chikage gives me the most trouble#and considering sakyo and tsumugi are my biggest hair fails i think you can guess why#the glasses mess me up a little sometimes but i pretty much always draw him in the round thin rimmed ones#so unlike sakyos they dont actually get in the way of anything#and it does have a little volume to it. i just have to be careful not to give it TOO much volume yk.#idk why but i think bc of chikages facial structure its just easier for me to get his hair right compared to tsumugi#then again ive drawn tsumugi maybe once in this style so i probably just need more practice
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