#also this isnt about like anyone specific its like a combination of little things that FEELS bad to ME not a thing someone else does

[just-spacetrash]

.

[dailyhatsune]

hi! not exactly a request but i do wanna ask, whats your process when you're rendering more paint like art? (if that makes sense, English isnt my first language so apologies hdskhsjdbd) i really love how you use the colors and im curious how you do it :0

i’ve been meaning to answer this one for a while so here’s how i painted miku in today’s post (put under the read more because yeah prepare for a long post

i’d also like to preface this by saying that i never follow a set way of doing things, so in terms of what my personal process is like, these are only broad strokes of what i do! sometimes i’ll combine or skip parts entirely, depending on how i feel. also, this is not a tutorial, just how i do things, so please don’t treat it like one :’D this will read like the ‘how to draw an owl’ picture if you do

first, like every artist, i sketch. more specifically, i’m getting an idea of what i want to paint later on. this could be how a scene is set up or in this case, how a character is posed. here i’m not concerned about details or getting everything perfectly, i’m only planning how the thing will be composed. maybe a lot of canvas size changing, or adjusting what miku’s doing (note how busted miku’s right hand looks from all the transforming!) however, i still have to be concerned with how clear the sketch will be to future me, because the sketch won’t be any good if i can’t read what miku’s doing

after that, i lay down a flat gray under the sketch, mainly focusing on giving miku a clear silhouette. this is also a good time to make adjustments to the composition on the fly if i suddenly feel like something can be improved upon, like shortening miku’s left arm from the sketch!

after painting a flat silhouette, i start shading in grayscale, focusing only on lighting. i usually do it in two passes, one for the lightest and darkest tones i’ll use (not black and white) and then a second for midtones to blend them better with the base gray but i forgot to screenshot the result of the first pass 🗿 nevertheless, here is where i can start adding some amount of details. i’m not including any extra accessories yet, just focusing on the base design of the outfit and the character herself (for anyone wanting to draw characters from That Gacha Game, this is how i personally make the process more bearable for myself.) i still use the dark gray to separate where certain details (like the facial features and fingers) begin and end, mainly to make colouring more bearable later.

now here’s where i get the Good Colours. it’s a cheat lol. i put a gradient map layer over the grayscale painting so that there’s a little bit of color to start. some gradient maps can be applied as is, some need the layer settings adjusted to make it look good. this one, for example, is a (free) gradient map set from the csp assets store that needs you to set the layer opacity to 20% and to set the blending mode to color to achieve this result. in general, i tend to pick which gradient map i want to use based on vibes, or basically whether i want the work to be warmer or cooler, colour-wise. but this does do quite a bit of lifting for the colors in my stuff.

and then, finally, i add the colours. i add flat base colours in an overlay layer. at this stage, i’ve made the character silhouette clear enough that i don’t need to refer to the sketch anymore for what miku looks like. also, the gradient map layer does its magic by making the shading a bit more vibrant than it would’ve been without it. after that i paint over with a new layer to add details like the lace.

and then i put some extra shading on top. basically this is where the ‘better lighting’ happens. again, this isn’t a tutorial, so i’m not here to say what each part of the lighting is, but i’ve labeled which layers do which job. in other works where the lighting within a scene is more defined (from a window, from a small crack in the walls, etc) the glow dodge layer may be more opaque and sharper, but since this isn’t a work with that, the lighting was applied using an airbrush. the linear burn layer is also there to make the whole thing darker so the glow dodge doesn’t end up oversaturating miku. i also usually match the lights to the vibe i want, and use a complementary color for the shadows. so here you can see i have warm colors on the glow dodge layer, but light purple on both the linear burn and multiply layer.

and that’s it for the character—here’s a gif showing how each layer adds to miku! (sorry it’s so toasty)

as for the background, depending on the complexity, it may go through a similar process, or if i can settle with flat image backgrounds, i just go for that. it’s ok to use external image materials. i didn’t have a background in mind for this miku in specific, so i got some default csp materials and threw together something

and that’s about a rough overview of what my process for more finished works looks like! again, art is a fluid process so i never specifically stick to certain steps all the time, and you shouldn’t either. i can probably answer why i’d pick this colour over another in one particular work, but it’s something that kinda has to be learned on a grander scale. i think everyone can already feel what colors work with what atmosphere or what setting, even if they can’t immediately explain why. colors and composition do take some level of experimentation to find what works best!

[wisteriainslumber]

TWST working at McDonalds

my credentials are i have never worked at mcdonalds

this is crack don’t take it seriously

warnings: swearing and cr*wley

Riddle

absolutely judges you for even coming to order at mcdonalds. there is no nutrition!! all of it is grease and sugar!!

refuses to work drivethru. yelling does nothing for his rage, his violent nature will not be contained

relax, riddle doesn’t have scarlet fever, his face just does that. is it healthy? probably not. 

is not the manager but when people ask for the manager they will call for riddle because he can do a better job

(if you hadn’t figured, the manager is cr*wley)

has the most monotone, dead customer service voice

if someone forgets to fill the coins or fails to lock up, you will be put on janitor duty to think about what you’ve done

understandably, it’s very effective

do not let him train the newbies. he thinks telling the instructions once/reading the employee handbook (THAT HE VOLUNTARILY MADE. insane man.) will prepare them. 

the reigns of training deuce and ace were then very quickly passed off to someone else

riddle gives emotional support hugs to kalim and cusses out the people who are mean to him with the fury of a thousand suns

if he weren’t so competent, he would’ve been fired

(he wouldn’t have been fired. cr*wley doesn’t want to hire new people)

he’s learning recipes from lilia on their break. after his attempt at soup gave him the flu, he has not tried to learn recipes from lilia since

a bit concerned by the screaming children. he’s never been surrounded by children his age so he thinks the scream-laughter is like a call for help

Trey

when he burns the batches of cookies he feeds them to the workers and tells them its the double chocolate chip cookies

the staff believe him because he’s never really done anything wrong

except for that ungodly amount of spare dental products in their staff washroom

normal people have toilet paper in the cupboard but their staff washroom has toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, all labeled with everyones names

no one knows who brought them, one day the cupboard was just full, but since trey keeps telling people to brush their teeth after eating the cookies it isnt hard to find out who did it

now because of him, if anyone runs out of toilet paper in the bathroom they need to text a co-worker to hand them another roll

trey finds the strongest types of coffee combinations for silver, but is getting increasingly concerned by the amount of espresso shots getting put into the cup

he will also coordinate group outfits for halloween or gift exchanges during the holidays

during the spooky season, you will find a free toothbrush in your bag or happy meal box

just... don’t ask

it was either that or licorice because trey clover is a black licorice enjoyer

Cater

makes promotional tiktok videos during his shift

specifically a “come with me to work ^^” videos where he films some things that can definitely get them in trouble. the words “health code violation” makes up 40% of the comments

hogs the stall bathrooms to break down and cry and send crying streaks to malleus

malleus hasnt learned how to use the app (yet) so cater has been treating their dms like his personal diary

he leaves sticky notes on the bathroom mirrors, lockers, and on the inside of the drivethru window saying some live laugh love kinda shit to mock trey’s white mom home decor

rook scribbles his own little stick figures of trey on them and adds speech bubbles

ace gives him the idea of summoning a demon at work and cater hopped on that without hesitation now there is a pentagram made of silly string on the wall of the bathroom

when taking orders he puts any additional notes in all caps. now deuce is staring at the order with the notes “NO DAIRY OR SHE WILL BLOW UP OUR TOILET” and “IF ACE FORGETS THE SAUCE AGAIN IM MAKING HIM CLEAN THE PLAYPLACE”

because of everyone’s incompetency, the receipt will contain these notes. sorry martha

when the manager had arrived to evaluate them, you will not find a single cater in sight

cay cay is slay slaying in hiding

Ace

hes the guy you should blame for never getting your dipping sauce or missing part of your order

he does trick shots in the back and if it lands in the bag, you get your stuff, if it doesn’t, rip

“i’m sorry you want how many chicken nuggies?? 200?? okay, word. wish i could spend that much on chicken nuggies”

will return bitch energy in the drivethru

he absolutely plays a game with deuce over if the person in the mic sounds hot or not

cater started that game, then he was kicked out for flirting with the customers

fortunately for the customers and staff alike, ace does not flirt with the customers

when someone asks for the manager he’ll walk away, then come back and speaks in a different voice and accent and cusses them out

kicked off from doing drivethru after he played cupcakke songs on there

he was raving over those minion happy meals and loved those banana cookies

it was a mistake to ask ace to do card tricks on their break because the items they gave up for the trick have disappeared

so sorry idia, your limited edition trading card will not be in safe hands

bribes the children with the happy meal toys for them to start calling riddle ronald mcdonald

riddle has no proof it’s ace’s doing but He Knows.

Deuce

he wanted to raise money to send back to his mama

how much money hes actually raising through this job though? is not a lot

brews riddle tea every morning just the way he likes it and he gets a premium riddle smile in return

takes so much time to count coins pls be patient with him

don’t tell azul, but if you’re nice, he will not charge you for any extra sauce or toppings

he “doesn’t know where the button is” wink wink

the only one who likes the easter egg mcflurries. when jack has free time, he will make one for himself and deuce and they chill on his break

(deuce doesn’t tell jack he’s still on the clock, and jack doesn’t tell deuce that he prefers oreo mcflurries more)

once got into a fight with ace over whether fish fillets were good or not and deuce threw a ketchup bottle hard enough to knock ace out cold

he apologized profusely but all ace cared about was how to throw like deuce. (he’s got some grudges and yes deuce received a ketchup bottle to his head)

in the back, you’ll find the rookies playing with that seasons happy meal toys joyfully

deuce defends the happy meal books with his life even though none of his friends agree 

its okay deuce they’re just jealous they can’t read /j

Leona

cheka filled in the mcdonalds application for leona after seeing the happy meal toys

he thinks working at mcdonalds would cheer up his unca

it does not

leona would really prefer if you just ordered at the kiosks

works drivethru and terrorizes everyone there

“can i get a umm..” “im sorry we don’t sell ‘umms’ we also don’t sell to people who cant speak properly”

dreads when he sees a group of teenagers in line. they have the most balls and he can only be recognized as the “prince working at mcdonalds” so many times before he starts throwing hands

refuses to wear the uniform properly. comes in with the most patterned ass fucking shirts. im talking leopard print, stripes, polka dots, pineapples. he’s an uncle and he dresses like one. see exhibit a

if it wasn’t a safety hazard he would also wear those uncle slippers so he can slip them off and hit malleus with them. this is the 4th time the ice cream machine is broken and cheka wants a mcflurry.

the slippers are also for his dogs to scare off judgy karens RUFF RUFF ARF BARK WOOF

stopped passing his work off to other people after vil tried to shave him bald. he shudders from the memory of the buzzing razor

Ruggie

he steals a fry before putting it in your bag

obsessively counting his earnings and will notice if he is getting paid less

makes him a very efficient cashier. if you give him strictly coins he will curse you on the inside but he’s quick to organize them all and give you the change

he also does not make you feel awkward when you’re taking longer to pay. there’s nothing to apologize for, go take ur time. helping leona has built up a looooot of patience in this guy

goes outside for his breaks, picks dandelions and makes wishes to PLEASE GET A PAY RAISE.

he wants to gtfo of this job he lives too far away from his grandma

some kid wanted their birthday at mcdonalds and ruggie personally went out to get lots of decorations for their special day

the place was filled with balloons and streamers and ruggie got floyd to dress like a clown to entertain the kids

the staff fr thought ruggie was taking revenge on them bc everyone was BEGGING to be the clown in fear of floyd being placed with the kids

ruggie knows floyd is great with kids but pretended he was the worst option for the Drama™

also because floyd bribed him with a wendy’s combo to do so. they both went to wendy’s after

he IS the christian autumn girl you WILL find him wearing infinity scarves and cardigans and uggs on the first day of september brandishing a PSL he bought with the card he stole from leona

when the staff had gotten enough of cr*wleys antics, lilia takes his car for a joy ride and treats everyone to the fountain soda. sorry, we kinda on a budget here

(ruggie pats his pocket in pride, cr*wleys credit card snug in place)

Jack

very devoted worker

believes that even if he hates his job, he can still be good at it

panics when a karen asks him why the ice cream machine isnt working but what kind of logical explanation can you give someone who won’t listen?

asks riddle to take care of it

yes those are his real ears no you may not touch them

sick and tired of hearing the jacob from twilight comparisons

jack thinks hes accumulated at least 3 mental illnesses from working here and it’s only been a few months

he’s put in the back to prepare orders instead of interacting with people which he appreciates very much. he’s kinda awkward, and people ask questions that make him uncomfortable

gets the orders out in record time. he wants them done and gone with

when vil is having another one of his meltdowns, they send jack to calm him down

the staff think jack have this magical healing power but really he just pat pats vil on the back and gives him some lemon water. 

they go out for walks if they have time and take pictures of nature and vil tells him about the plants

A+ therapy buddy, now vil needs a therapy buddy for his therapy buddy

Azul

after his plan on leaving the job failed he has a new goal: overthrow the company

even in minimal wage misery, azul will find a way to come out on top

he already is holding something over cr*wley in nrc, he will hold something over the bird man again to get a higher salary

he makes the bird raise all of their salaries actually, because he’s very generous

as thanks for his effort, he takes 2% of their earnings and no one puts up much of a fight because any salary increase in this job will do

azul may have started a revolution but he is not our comrade </3

he does not take breaks. its the sigma male grindset forever. until he’s forcibly dragged away from his coffee and his new menu additions

mans the cashier and refuses to give up his spot. customers either love him or hate him

he is constantly trying to get people to buy more food and he’s terribly good at convincing them

customers don’t know they pulled out their wallet until they already paid

he practices his charisma in the bathroom mirror. he has cue cards, and they all dictate his persona to the smallest detail.

riddle walks in just needing to pee and sees azul pulling out the shittest posh accent and language and is way too tired to care. but azul does get some tips and he walks out a little more confident

Jade

wouldve worked longer as the janitor if the washrooms werent so fucking disgusting

hey, you get to hear lots of stuff when you’re cleaning the place

most people do not acknowledge the janitor, so information gets tossed around without a care

helps kids fill their cups at the drink station, helps them put on the drink lids properly too

helps azul make bots to give this mcdonalds good reviews, specifically mentioning their names and how helpful they are <3 listen, a bitch is desperate 

in case someone is getting really annoying, jade reminds everyone that the bleach is in the bottom of the supply closet

to threaten? to drink? to poison? no one knows and jade likes being cryptic

teams up with lilia to make new menu suggestions. they aim to make one recipe that finally gets the OK

hey, mushroom oatmeal is a good idea! don’t kick it till you try it!

floyd got fed up once jade snuck mushrooms in his burger as revenge so they started a fight over the tables

there was hair pulling, shouting, biting, and a chair was thrown

apparently this is one of the tamer fights?? the only children are horrified

they’re lucky it was late because they got into big trouble with manager riddle

“big trouble” lasted about 5 minutes because floyd kept repeating “why”. with riddle’s attention on floyd, jade snuck out

thank you for your sacrifice

Floyd

the only reason hes not doing food prep jobs is to hide the fact that hes playing in the playplace

when his coworkers try to look for him he slithers in and hides in the tubes

when asked to look for a floyd, the kids cant point him out because he never tells them his name

is absolutely the ronald mcdonald mascot. he shows up in costume when he feels like it and it’s like watching the strangest joker sequel ever

does shitty magic tricks and turns off all the lights to entertain the children. staff hate him. 

once the radio stopped working so floyd brought it upon himself to bring a few hula hoops and starting hula hooping while walking and singing lady gaga

he brings in random shit to do trick shots and he moves around via hoverboard/skates at all times

he has an old lysol container he uses as his water bottle. to this day, floyd has managed to convince ace that drinking lysol will make you immortal

kicked off of the register because he will not shut his mouth. please stop hitting on customers and please stop calling people snowflakes, no matter how much they deserved it

he’s good at preparing drivethru orders even though he’s playing on his phone most of the time

(he’s texting kalim. all of them run like 3AM thoughts or shower thoughts)

Kalim

his union birthday card makes him look like a mcdonalds worker

don’t let him work in the drive thru he shouts

always hands you your food with “have a great day!”

if you are the most awful person and complain about kalim he responds with a hearty “aw shucks, sorry ‘bout that”. and while he bounces back quickly, how dare you.

he is the one that breaks the ice cream machine all the time

he Does Not Know how to operate it yet he is always the one there when someone needs ice cream

he brought sprinkles one time for the impromptu staff ice cream party he declared, but now customers think sprinkles are on the menu

he doesn’t have the heart to say they aren’t on the menu, so he personally buys sprinkles for this specific location

goes all out during parties. he will bring in a cotton candy maker and popcorn poppers and holiday treat bags

kalim drowning in riches, why is he here??

cater complained he was lonely, so kalim joined him.

they‘re always blasting the latest tunes in the back and treating tasks like a suggestion

but how can you get angry at the big, beaming smile on kalims face?

Jamil

the most efficient worker

hes so calm. hes used to stupid people.

uses his internal monologue to stay sane.

he looks aloof on the outside but he is actually screaming on the inside. everything is on fire. the floor is lava and there are no platforms.

highkey just complies to the crazy demands these bitches make because he has no energy nor mental capacity to try to reason with these people

however, he remembers every single face and name and it is going into his personalized death note

he’s on volume nine now

before jade and lilia propose their ideas to azul, they have to run it by jamil first. and jamil deems all their ideas as a one way ticket to a poison control centre

because none of them are reliable, jamil writes the numbers and names of emergency services on sticky notes and slaps them everywhere beside caters stickies

theres numbers for helplines, poison control, pest control, and electrical maintenance 

leona used one of them to write down contact information for a hitman (it is rook’s number)

jamil uses that number to call for help. it is life threatening matter (it was a cockroach)

jamil nearly whacks azul with a broom for being in the storage supply

azul hid there because alas, it is a small world and his bullies in grade school are now his customers

jamil, being a decent human being, chooses not to spritz him with rubbing alcohol and gives him some awkward reassurance

unfortunately, it works, and now jamil is azul’s emotional support human and the staff send him to find azul every time

jamil is getting an aneurysm

Vil

where vil wouldve ended up had he actually murdered neige

if a customer asks whats in their food he will give you a whole essay on where it came from, how it got transported, how its prepped, made, seasoned, and the nutritional value

he’s never felt greasier in his life. he’s gone through all of his oil blotting papers on the first week. what the hell is in the air

his makeup looks immaculate every day, its to cover up the look of “i just got my life sucked out” as soon as he clocked in

the radio doesn’t actually break. vil just mutes it whenever neige is starring in a new movie because that is all the radios will talk about. 

speaking of neige, if he and his little dwarves come in, vil will tell them he’s having a wonderful time and that this job is good for experience

if he had fewer morals he would be putting rat poison in cr*wleys morning coffee

he excuses himself to go in the storage closet and scream. epel joins him and it’s their biweekly bonding activity

very patient with the children and talks to them with an air of grace. he accepts suggestions for the types of movies they want to see him in

quarrels with leona daily. he gets called ugly, then vil’s heel will meet his toes. vil may be dignified but that doesn’t make him any less petty

sadly for leona, cheka loves vil and will tell his unca to be nicer to the pretty man

vils “yeah leona, be nice” earns him a very mature middle finger from leona

will refuse to even give this establishment clout. has their company account blocked.

after fans see vil on caters vlogs, vil changes the password to the company account so no one can post on it again. 

his true villain arc

Rook

he used to work as the janitor because he was immaculate at cleaning but the staff put him on register instead

he’s very good at appeasing people

if a customer asks whats in the bigmac he will give you a whole thesaurus but will not actually tell you whats in it or where its from

he will compliment everyone that walks up to his register. in fact, even if he didn’t speak to you, he will yell across the room and say your skin looks radiant today

his compliments are not normal, they range from “your teeth are so straight” to “you smell different...oh, you must’ve went to the walmart down the street!”

after enough complaints, vil gives rook a stern talk

it works, but now theres a new problem arising 

he’s been collecting leonas hair

it wasn’t “serious” enough of a problem to take action, but leona is preparing a restraining order

helps train the newbies the most. epel and ortho love him, which means the entire group has to

ortho follows him around asking him random questions every day because he thinks rooks answers are unconventional. he’s collecting data to help idia make friends!

Epel

all of his spare shipment of apples actually go to mcdonalds

since cr*wley doesn’t want to pay for apples he finds this the cheaper option and gives epel a slight payraise for it

epel sends the money to his mama

azul is Very Jealous.

do NOT let epel man the register he WILL throw hands.

even with his pronoun pin, bitches will still use the wrong pronouns and he Will Get Physical!

stop asking him for his number, he will cuss you out and insult your breath

also keeps tabs on these customers and writes them down on their clipboard. sebek is in on this and will very Loudly cuss out these people if they harrass epel again

he has been reported to the manager at least once a week but he can’t get fired bc cr*wley needs those applys

congrats epel, you got privilege

teams up with ace to prank the staff. they replace the coffee machine with coke cola and move everyones belongings in the wrong lockers

he brings scented candles into the washrooms, vil brings the lighter. they accidentally trigger the fire alarm but they sit there calmly staring at the candle wick

gets swarmed during the holidays because he has to help azul write down recipes (absolutely not the family recipes. those are secret) for the seasons. 

because of this he spends lots of time with azul and learns a lot about him. now azul has 2 emotional support humans

makes emotional support apple cider for azul. favouritism acquired! 

Idia

is banging the door to the bathroom cater is hogging and cater lets him in they lock the door and cry together

when a customer throws down a bunch of coins idia debates jumping off a building

why the hell does this customer want mcdonalds to do the catering to their party 

he IS the one silently judging everyone but he thinks everyone is silently judging him too

kids love to point at his hair and ask to touch it

please do not touch his hair. few people ever get close enough to touch him. idia will break down

they want 100 hashbrowns? damn bitch who is you feeding? idia cant fathom someone having that many friends

he quits being the cashier and decides to work as a janitor instead. at least no one will look or talk to him

he enjoys being the janitor but he soon finds out that people are heckin nasty. the messes he cleans up are ones he never thought would come from grown ass adults

once a kid dropped her toy and idia (after cursing his life and gathering all his courage) picked it up for her, and the little girl loved his hair so much. now he has the nickname of “flame princess” from adventure time

pulling for his favourite characters on his break as lilia makes summoning rituals for them

they work, so now lilia is invited to every kind of gacha pull idia does. he boosts the SSR rates up 10%!

Ortho

declining cards of people who laugh at idia for stuttering

he finds their cars, their addresses, their jobs, everything about these people. they’re prepared just in case idia wants them :)

ortho encourages rook to fly a arrow through their car windows

they have a swear jar and ortho funds it the most

absolutely steals some of the happy meal toys for himself and idia to play with

bonding with street cats and people of all ages

people think ortho is a walking ad for mcdonalds bc he invites them to visit his workplace, but he’s conducting exposure therapy for idia. these are friends you havent met yet!

technically he is under apprenticeship training but poses as an employee to get money

he wants the new PS5 👉👈

whenever vils new movies comes out, ortho prepares an entire fan review to discuss with vil. he’s his biggest fan!

vil takes the feedback and gives ortho candy as thanks for his support

ortho is the staff favourite and he even gets extra tips because of his cute face

gets convinced to give azul a dollar for every board game he plays with idia

Malleus

lilia told him this was summer camp

lurks around, says hi to people. wants to befriend idia but idia thinks mal is messing with him

one of the few who get to hear riddle bitching about his job. he doesn’t really understand, but is a good listener

will ask cater how to work the social medias and cater makes mal swear to not open his magisnap

malleus doesn’t even know what that is and apologized to cater for opening up his magicam page </3

sebek fr breathing down his neck and the only place to hide from him is in the bathroom

he finds cater and idia there crying in the corner and he joins them to fit in

they are now an unofficial group of social outcasts and they occasionally meet up to play pokemon (mal watches)

he’s in charge of refilling the ice but he just??? disappears from his shift midway??? and now theres no ice bc they’re too busy cleaning up the fucking silly string in the bathroom

people avoid him so he just does work in the back

and by work in the back i mean he’s terrorizing leona while he’s terrorizing the customers 

he’s stuck on tray washing duty bc it is too dangerous for him to do anything else

he is very unsafe near the hot oil, he practices no safety procedures near the hot steam and water. 

maybe it’s best to put him on ice cream machine duty... it’s always broken anyways

Lilia

hes experienced so many things in his long long life but he hasnt experienced customer service before

prefers this over being in the military actually

kids love to point out the little bat ears on his head

decorated the place for halloween one year but then it was transferred to azul because the skeletons hanging from the ceiling were scaring the children and the (fake..??) blood in the back was scaring the staff

do not be frightened by watching him drink ketchup in the back, he just Does That

babies literally everyone and everyone (reluctantly) calls him dad as revenge

it was weird at first but now lilia is asserting his new dad status and performing the most bass boosted, earth shattering sneezes known to man

on one of his dad status days, lilia goes “relax my sons, i am only fucking one of your mothers.”

silver doesn’t even know his mother but he dies a little anyways

if given a burger, he picks out the tomatoes and pickles and eats them. jamil is kind of horrified

he keeps making new suggestions to the menu but after the third rejection of turkey-tomato-cookie sandwiches, he cooks all the employees lunch every month to show off his spectacular culinary skill

the next staff meeting, they tell lilia to stop limiting his cooking to just them, as it should be “shared to the world on the secret menu”

Silver

was also signed up for ‘summer camp’

naps on the clock but is an excellent worker for the night shift

yeah this might have been his seventh cup of coffee today and yeah maybe that’s concerning but dw it’s nothing a few bathroom breaks can’t fix

riddle is staring in horror

very chill, never sounds stressed, and gets everything out at a reasonable time

only thing to complain about is that he gives an ungodly amount of napkins for no reason

the environment is dying singlehandedly because of silver giving you six napkins for a single ice cream cone

sings to himself to keep himself awake and it soothes the staff so much

on the less busy hours of the night shift, silver tutors deuce on science

as thanks, deuce offers to take silver to a build-a-bear

they get matching bunnies they both respectfully name “max” & “ruby”

silver and ruggie have a wordless agreement to cover each others shifts when the other is busy

they don’t hang out outside of work but they are ride or die on the clock

lilia is a Proud Father

Sebek

when he answered the why do you want to work here question he truly meant every word of “because i care about the company and its values” with his whole chest

was transferred to work drivethru because he was angering the customers but now he’s blowing up the speakers

if you ever wonder why your burger is so flat it’s because sebek uses so much force when wrapping it you’d think he was personally insulted by the burger itself

too much energy. he will always forget your ketchup and sauce packets bc he is speedrunning all of your orders

straight up locks the doors in front of your face and glares at you for trying to come in at 8AM on a monday

loudly chatting with trey about the importance of brushing your teeth because trey is the only one that will talk to him /j

sebeks too loud so any kind of secret or gossip cant be shared with him

leona absolutely hates being in his presence but will spread rumours about rook stealing dna to make voodoo dolls to sebek so everyone’s eyes will be on rook

now leona has free bodyguards 

he is the only person to order off of lilias “secret menu” to see him happy

sebeks life expectancy rate is declining by the day

Tagging the skrunklies!! Thank you for your excitement :D

@spadecentral​ @ruggiethethuggie @mellyteddy​ @theheavilyindulgentgoat​

[i-sveikata]

For the next chapter. For the sentence that you put of Vegas saying to Pete ‘I can’t lose you’. Is that after Pete goes to the stranger or before? Because it will make Vegas even more paranoid about Pete leaving him for someone else. What will be the worst thing Vegas will do in order not to lose Pete. Kill his competition? I know Vegas is afraid of losing him, he is terrified, will he ever let Pete know about it?

I know it’s a lot of questions but I am really intrigued about Vegas and his toxic behavior. Because it is obviously a very toxic relationship but they nevertheless can live without each other.

hey anon, it's before!!!!!! it's on the drive after they leave nong kwai- vegas is assuming that pete is asleep already otherwise im not sure he would have been so honest about this specific insecurity (pete doesnt know/hasnt figured out that one of Vegas' biggest fears is hes going to ruin things and push pete away for good/ lose him eventually)

since its an insecurity, its actually a lot more unfounded than vegas thinks. like pete is very much matching his freak4freak and they've drawn pretty clear lines around what they want from each other. which is why theyre at this stage where they seem extremely committed without actually admitting they're committed to one another (at least on petes end). pete hooking up with a stranger and- not sure that ive actually spoiled this yet, but not actually enjoying the encounter- is the final push pete needs to actually admit that what he feels for vegas is not going away and isnt transferable. its also the last bit of evidence/ proof? idk how to phrase it but like a final indication to vegas that pete is in this with him- when hes topping pete it finally gives him the confidence to push in the way he's largely been afraid of pushing before-challenging pete on his attraction to vegas and what that means for their relationship in terms of exclusivity. particularly when they both seem to firmly decide on choosing each other and keeping any third parties out.

like obvs its going to be a HUGE step forward for them but its pete hes not going to roll over and give everything up at once. hes still going to be holding onto actually admitting he's in love- because he still hasnt yet admitted that to himself. which is what he needs to do first.

its actually a lot harder for vegas to push pete away at this point- like were at the stage in the fic where pete is aware enough of his feelings but still afraid to admit that hes in love. and vegas is trying to get them over that threshold but hes kind of at a loss of how to do it without outright forcing pete in a way that hes not ready for. the circumstances in the bathroom, make it a little too much of a satisfying conclusion for vegas to actually spare a thought for killing the stranger- its very obvious to vegas that the man isnt doing anything for pete when he interrupts them so hes actually not viewing him as competition in that moment. idk how he would react but if im being honest when weve seen vegas' jealous side i dont think even he particularly believes in them being a real tangible threat? like hes being petulant and immature about it sure but pete isnt giving him an actual reason to feel truly threatened if that makes sense? vegas is just letting his own insecurity run wild/combined with the fear of losing pete. i dont think hes actually viewing anyone else as a true threat to his connection to pete in the end. maybe later down the track when he feels more secure in the relationship (and petes feelings) vegas might actually admit to the fear of losing pete but as of right now hes too afraid to talk about it- less he make it a reality.

no nothing wrong with questions honestly!!! lol tbh im kind of at the stage now where 'toxic relationship' has become such a catch all term for a lot of things and has been so overused to the point where its kind of lost all meaning to me. ppl are so quick to jump to that conclusion for any kind of negative behaviour or mistake and its been misapplied so often that its not generally a phrase i take seriously anymore. but yes 100% they are a messed up relationship (but also not real so who cares lol) and they seem to be muddling their way through that as best they can!

[circular-bircular]

Mmm. I caught a few free minutes today to sit down and respond, so let's unleash this one, shall we?

Below the cut is an ENORMOUS ask, and a (incredibly long, as much as I may try otherside) response. It's about the recent "censorship" (???) drama.

TL;DR: Everyone is allowed to be angry in life, and policing that is kind of outrageously infuriating, especially in spaces where people struggle with things like emotional regulation! I'm allowed to be upset and express that upset, just as much as anyone else. Me expressing frustrations isn't "demonizing" people or attacking them, and I'm sorry if it comes across that way. If you feel I'm attacking you by posting on my own blog how I'm upset about something, or feel I'm attacking you by reblogging posts on tumblr to dissect ableism in articles you yourself posted... Figure out that feeling, or block me? Good lord.

I am not posting anything more about this topic. Please don't send asks about it, or I will simply be deleting them.

Okay. For context, these two asks (combined below) came in about 3 days ago. I was wondering if I should post them in a different format to slim them down, but genuinely, I think I want to present this as I received it. Here it is (with your system name censored, anon -- I recognize your concerns about harassment):

abt frameaclouds post :: politely + trying to come to the table not to argue but to point this out I dont think you can blame a blogger for seeing people reblogging their post from you legit screaming "how dare you" or "fuck you" at them and them then assuming that it's probs best to just block and keep back from that whole group of folks. I liked some of your additions and thought they were interesting as one of frameaclouds followers.... but the way you and others focused almost entirely on nitpicking LB Lee's stuff and some ways things were phrased (ex. - like point 3; all frameacloud said was that DID does not require trauma. you then... agreed and shouted at them?), and the way a lot of you jumped to calling it censorship and silencing when frameacloud refused to engage afterwards, really kind of makes it look like you're interpreting their post and actions in the worst light possible. it makes it seem like you're coming from a place of bad faith. you mentioned some cool perspective in your reblog, where you talked about how it came off to someone who had your specific background and knowledge and what u found the issues to be, but you haven't done the reverse: you haven't considered how your reblog was going to come across to an otherkin whose been around for a really long time and who is probably used to dealing with tons and tons of trolls who are going to take what they say in the least generous way possible, twist their words, + use it to belittle and harass them. like this is an otherkin who's been around since the grilling times and usenet days. and a bunch of people who seem to be in ur circles citing back to the post and kind of beating their chests about it even tho frameacloud is making a point not to fight or argue about it and to just block and move on...and u urself described ur response as a 'rant' which has a pretty diff connotation than 'discussion' or 'criticism'...well its likely to just project that kind of image further, that ur just here to flame war, even if thats not what ur doing or how u want to come across. ik that's how it came across to me and even after seeing some of ur past posts on ur blog that i really liked im still a little skeptical that this ask isnt gonna be either trashed mocked or taken out of context by u or someone who follows u. and also i want to remind people that like......... u r not owed access to anyone on socmed. frameacloud and any other blogger is allowed to block anyone for any reason. and its unhealthy to say that ur owed other ppls blogs and posts to platform on. respect other ppls boundaries without villainizing them cuz otherwise ur just opening up a can of worms to lie in. and ik u said in a later post that theyre well within their rights to block u but u also reblogged a post before that calling it censorship. so like... this is what i mean about coming off as disengenuous and troll-y, stuff like this is why even if i liked some of ur reblog i wont rb it. if i rb it and end up deleting it later am i gonna be told by others that im 'censoring' u? if i make a mistake and say something wrong in a tag am i gonna get jumped with a 5k word essay from four different ppl telling me how much i suck? its a hypothetical but only sorta with whats been happening on ur blog and elsewhere in this discussion. its bad form and its not super fair to frameacloud who still hasnt done legit anything yet but block ppl and i really cant say enough how much i dont blame them with some of whats been said n what sort of conclusions ppl r jumping to abt them. (also now that im thinking of the context if u did come across as bad faith engagement to frameacloud then they probably didnt respond to ur ask because it screamed BAIT to them cuz ik in their shoes id think the same. i mean their blog 99% runs on queue...the last post they reblogged that wasnt on their queue was ONE post on the 11th from their boyfriend and be4 that ONE on the 9th...all while u have someone gossiping in a prev ask that they 'often do this'. i can see frameaclouds POV)

like i swear im not trying to start a fight but can u see how this comes off. claiming u want a discussion and then thanking someone who is calling blocking censorship, saying that theyre in their rights to block but then posting an ask that says this blog that makes maybe like two or three original posts a month "does this often", the original aggro all over the reblogs that stem from ur first reblog in the reblog chart... like frameacloud is the one who blocked first but u have to srsly consider why they did + why they refuse to engage at all + what it looks like to ppl outside of the type of syscourse ur used to, like them and like me. if u want ppl to listen, then this isnt a good way to promote the kind of discussions u say u want. it just drives ppl away and maybe it feels temporarly vindicating but its not helpful. i want to see the things ur talking abt talked abt more but if its always going to be like that and theres no way for it to be less like trekking thru a field of mines where someone might blow up at u for something u dnt even realize is wrong at the time then i dunno

...

So, first off, I apologize profusely to everyone for how long-winded I am. I write a LOT, a habit I have always, always tried to break, and I now realize just how much it is to see thousands of words in response to things. This is nearly 1k of words I woke up to right before leaving for my vacation. Talk about wild to read right after waking up. (I also apologize because what follows is similarly so long winded and I cannot figure out how to not do this).

I attempted to write up my response. Took a full day and a half, writing and writing and writing. And here's the thing, I wrote around 3k words trying to explain my perspective, trying to acknowledge what I agreed and disagreed with from your asks, from your perspective, and just...

Dude, I am so fucking done with this shit. Not your asks in particular, but with syscourse in general.

This ask presents me with a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. I could leave it to rot in my inbox, but then I'm a hypocrite for not engaging with discussions about things, which is what I say I want people to do. I could finish writing up my 3k+ word response, but then my words are going to be twisted as they always are because I'm long winded and I am just trying my best to (probably over)explain myself.

Or... I can just. Explain as briefly as possible here what I'm feeling, thinking, and doing.

So... Here goes my best shot.

One:

First and foremost, I could care less at this point about frameacloud. Good fucking lord, I have tried to keep their username in my head through all of this, but it's genuinely so hard and I just end up scrolling up. I have never interacted with this user before this, and I clearly won't be again. My beef is not with them. I could care less about this user or their business; they are a tumblr user who exists. Wow!

My upset was about how the conversation was cut off. That's all. That's it. Wow, it sucks how all conversations are cut off when people block others for any reason. I hate how long MY blocklist is, strictly for my mental health. I hate how many people I have to block to keep myself healthy, because it cuts off communication. Is it... condemning myself to saying, "It's a shame that they cut off communication like that" when I've blocked plenty of very vocal syscoursers?

No. As I've said numerous times through all this, people should be able to block whoever they want. Even if I talk about how upsetting that may be, I mean absolutely no ill will to the person who literally should not know I'm talking about how upset I am, because said person has me blocked.

Two:

I don't care why they blocked me. Maybe they personally hate me, maybe they heard about me from who-is-page or whoever (I know I've bumped heads with them in the past once or twice before), maybe they thought I was a troll, maybe they thought I was overly angry, whatever-

That literally means nothing to me other than " :( Fucking goddamn it, that means my response will be hidden."

What I am upset about isn't that they blocked me; I'm upset that the conversation was cut short and hidden in all aspects. By that I mean, I don't care I was blocked and hidden; I care that every single user who reblogged either me or SAS's reply was also hidden. Like. Every single tag was. I don't know if that's tumblr's doing, or OPs doing, or what have you, but again -- it doesn't matter.

All I'm saying is "damn, buddy, that sucks."

Three:

They didn't respond to my ask, and I mentioned that in my follow up post to show I tried to reach out genuinely. I didn't want people to think I was posting this without trying to reach out originally. That was all. It was once again me complaining that the conversation was completely cut off, regardless of the reason why it was cut off.

And here's where I'll address the elephant that I see, or at least the first one.

I'm allowed to be however angry I want on my blog, on my posts, and in my life. I'm allowed to shout, curse, and be pissed off. And no, they don't need to engage with it, and no, I don't need to be happy about that fact.

This is a tumblr blog, sir.

I'm not a medical professional or a debater on a stage in front of a podium. I'm a 26 year old trauma survivor who got upset about a fucking severely ableist post. I think I should be allowed to be a bit pissy about it.

Being told so frequently recently that I need to "be nice to convince people" is such whiplash, because less than a year ago, I was that person. I was the person telling everyone to let go of their anger, to be nice to convince the other side, that everyone needs to be polite. I did this so much that I literally was known as the Respectability Politics Syscourser. That was a legitimate label I used. I was told so often that I was a filthy centrist and that I was worse than homophobic bigots because I was trying to get everyone to just be nice to each other. I got fucking harassed for simply posting "Everyone should respect each other" to the syscourse tags.

Is that healthy?

A topic I discuss most frequently with my therapist at the moment is reclaiming anger. I struggle severely with loyalty and fawning, convinced that if I show any negative emotion whatsoever, I'll be hurt and shoved aside and abandoned by those I love. (Ouch). Here's just a few things I've learned in the past year or so:

Anger is the part of you that knows you deserve better.

Anger is a form of self-love.

Anger is a secondary emotion; what emotion lies under it? (This is the one I struggle with the most)

In... Fall of last year (the exact month escapes me), I ended up blowing up due to how long I had kept myself censored and kept myself "polite" for others. Due to how much anger I'd shoved aside and kept under wraps for the benefit of others. Because being angry would "reflect badly" on me and my friends; because it would make what I had to share less accessible to others.

... I'm done with doing that. Therapist's literal orders. In fact, if my therapist had his way, I would not have a system blog, be part of any system servers, or talk to anyone online who has DID, because the fact fucking is, none of you are safe to talk to. It will always be a triggering space. (Thankfully, my therapist also acknowledges that he is a singlet, doesn't know my brain, and that I am my own person who can make my own choices).

If OP of the post decided to make a big huge post blowing up in anger and frustration at how horrible I am, good for them. If you block me out of anger, good for you! I do not care, because I will be happy you are doing what is best for you. I am happy OP did what's best for them.

And equally, upset that a convo about ableism was hidden.

That brings me to:

Four:

Out of all the shit said and reblogged through that little single blip on the syscourse radar (I think around 10 posts out of 20 in that single 24 hours), I do regret posting that ask about OP "doing this often". That one is on me, and tbh, I'm gonna delete it. It was drama, and I do try to avoid that. I hardly added anything to it, and while I know my perspective on why I posted it, I also acknowledge that it'll do literally jack shit to explain why. So I'm just gonna delete it and move on.

But in everything else, I was only lamenting the fact that every response was hidden beyond those agreeing with OP.

I thanked Candlelight (the first user to call it censorship from what I can see) for stating that the responses were all hidden, but moreover, for mentioning that they didn't agree with everything I said. I spoke on that post primarily driven by anger at Lee's ableism. I KNOW it was not a perfect post. That's because I'm not a Perfect Debater(TM).

All I wanted was A DISCUSSION ABOUT ABLEISM!

(Note: This is commonly seen as yelling; for me, via text, I see this as EXTREME EMPHASIS. Sorry it apparently comes across as yelling! I see it as yelling a bit in my mind, but I can see how the TONE is lost in those cases. Right now, my tone is exhausted frustration, but I see no need to ACTUALLY raise my voice at you.)

I think that's the thing that's pissed me off the most. Everyone and their brother wants to either agree or disagree with me about censorship. I have my own thoughts on censorship (it's basically always bad, but there's nuance on all things, is exclusion censorship, etc etc) but those are not relevant because nobody has even fucking addressed the ableism.

The articles -- linked by OP, but who gives a shit at this point -- came off as ableist. I reblogged OP's post because they are the ones who posted the ableist articles to the DID tags. That is how tumblr is used, is it not? And yes, I expressed my anger... at the articles... on the post that had the articles...

And OP hid those critiques for their own reasons... and I lamented that they were hidden... so I made a post about it while explaining the context ('Hey if you're wondering why I'm making this big huge long post AGAIN, OP blocked my response and everyone elses, and yes I have tried to resolve it, but this one's plan B for getting the word out that these articles and ideas are really harmful online')

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. You see why this is so hard to keep short, right? I surely hope so. There's a LOT to tackle here, and a lot of emotions, and a lot of different topics/nuances.

FIVE: RAPID FIRE ROUND (With Review!)

I don't care about otherkin spaces or know shit about them. They're triggering for me. Bluh.

I don't blame OP for blocking me.

I don't hate you or want to attack you for this ask, sorry you feel that way.

If someone deletes a reblog, I just assume they made a mistake reblogging it? Do people attack others for this shit?

I nitpicked Lee's response because Lee's response was the most ableist shit I've seen in a bit, and I did that on OP's post because they're the one who posted it.

I didn't agree that DID does not always need trauma? I explicitly said it is always trauma based? I'm so confused about that point.

Is "Ranting" seen as trolling now? I use "rant" to mean "Shit, I went on for a LONG time." It's synonymous with ramble for me.

I don't know how to break it to everyone, but posting online means it is inherently unsafe, and someone may attack you or blow up at you. It's the world wide web. It sucks. (That doesn't mean it's deserved or that I endorse that behavior; it's just... life).

Ugh.

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to have my fucking disorder and scroll tags about my disorder without seeing:

It doesn't need trauma to form

Traumagenic systems are 'obsessed with suffering'

Endogenic systems are 'healthy' forms of plurality (As opposed to DID)

Yknow. Syscourse in general.

And similar shit.

Is that too much to ask??

Anon; I know this doesn't address all of your points. I KNOW I haven't gone point by point like I wanted to. My original draft did that, but I only got halfway before hitting 3k words, and you seemed... really adverse to a long ra- ramble, not rant. Sorry? Ugh.

Just take this, and I hope this topic doesn't come back to me, because I'm kinda done with it entirely at this rate.

[freshlybakedspiderbread]

Reisen for the ask game!

General opinion/How much I care about them: aaaaah! Even though she's a 'classic' touhou, i feel like it was only in the last several years (though with my warped sense of time, this could be be anywhere up to a decade) where she really dug out a special place in my heart as one of my favs (which is maybe a bit of a crowded category admitedly n_n) She's always been super cool/cute/funny and her backstory and development i think really nicely summarises a lot of themes from both th8 and gensokyo as a whole

A ship I love: there's a bunch but there's two i want to mention together because its really funny to contrast. one is reisen/kaguya (himeudon), which is on surface just cute and sweet, with the devoted bunny servant to the enigmatic princess who finds her cute. As the years pass, I don't think Reisen would ever stop seeing Kaguya in a majestic light, buuuut i do think she definitely becomes more wiser to when Kaguya is actually being wise and when she's instead just being quirky (but Reisen may still be happy to indulge her whims).

In contrast, i think reisen/mokou is really funny because their first meeting definitely has to be something like a horrified Reisen coming across Mokou killing Kaguya before anyone had a chance to explain to Reisen their particular pastime, so Reisen spent a while either panicking or attacking Mokou on sight until it all gradually became normal. And the idea of going from that to now when they're happy to hang out with one another in the bamboo forest or in the village. All in all its basically just another version of the cute bunny and the noble(ish) immortal who finds her cute.

A non-romantic relationship that I love: I've always prefered to think of Reisen's apprenticeship under Eirin has a sort of guardian or parental dynamic that neither ever actually had in their formers lives. I think its a really nice how Reisen's continued learning under her reflects on both characters developmenet.

One might ask what is the 'point' to Eirin bestowing Reisen with her knowledge since you may think Reisen isnt likely to ever want to distance herself from eientei to strike out on her own, and also since Eirin and crew will outlive Reisen, it doesnt seem like a matter of passing on something to the next 'generation', right? But even if there may always be some version of them that might always exist in the future, the Eirin right now with her dear Udongein is only here now and so every thing they (and all the eientei crew) do is important for one another n_n

The NOTP: I think there's a really fun dynamic to be had with Reisen and Tewi when combining the facts that Reisen didnt realise at first that Tew was essentially all of their landlord, and that Reisen wants to be acknowledged as an earth rabbit which Tewi attempts to accomodate sometimes even if Reisen's always a little weird. But there's no version of this where I can envision it turning romantic from either side...

My biggest headcanon about them:

She's not wearing that blazer anymore. That is Not a headcanon That is a Rule and if zun himself ever puts it back on her I will kill the planet!!!!!

that aside, I think she's on a variety of medication. 👩‍⚕️ Eirin's personal perscription of course for perhaps her eyes aaand a bunch of other stuff, but Reisen is the ever eager learner so she often cooks up her own concoctions too (which she asks Mokou to help test).

the doctor thing combined with the lunatic eyes makes me imagine she would partake in recreational psychotropics but its only really worth it if she can do it with someone else (and probably the only ones who would accept are mokou, maybe marisa... kaguya would but i dont think reisen would ask her)

An idea for a fanfiction I would like to write/read about them: i do want to write At Least one more reisen-starring story in the future about most of the things i described above, specifically her apprenticeship under eirin...

Something that makes me thing of them: This is really only something that happens in fanart and only because she's got bunny ears and associated with the colour pink, but i truly Feel like the colourful gyaru aesthetics fit her or would be how she'd next choose to dress if she felt more comfortable or even experimental. like the street fashion looks of long pink sleeves or socks,animal or carrot stickers on a handbag (that carries her firearm). zun take notes when you put her in the next game please along with aya please.

[kendrixtermina]

The „passions“ as specific experiences

I hadn’t put these on tumblr & it occurred to me that I probably should

After consuming a lot of books, videos, first-hand accounts etc, I’ve come to the conclusions that the „passions“ are in fact rather specific combinations of thoughts & emotions than in theory anyone could experience, but which the types for whom it’s the main issue experience quite powerfully & get chased about the landscape by.

Perhaps it’s better let’s use the term „lower emotional habits“ to get away from judgy religion sin talk. nowadays a lot of therapists like to use labels like "counterproductive" or "unhelpful" to avoid ppl internalizing anything in a judgy way.

Now I love a good cardinal vices gimmick & we could have a nice long interesting talk about how the trope has been taken up in Japanese media & there interacting with the cultural background of buddhism, but I think in this case Ichazo’s desire to fit his list of observed „chief features“ (which he derives from simply sorting ppl by what annoys them the most; it will surprise no one to learn that he was an 8...) trying to fit it into the gimmick created a bit of confusion potential like you always gotta explain that „oh, its meant in the old english or latin sense of the term“.

Plus my inner pedantic art critic is a bit salty that they didn’t think to use Despair (the 8th deadly sin in orthodox christianity) for the 6 to complete the set of slightly confusing terms.

So I’m thinking, let’s get some specificity in here & try to compile what it actually, concretely is based on experience reports, just for specificity’s sake & to perhaps help ppl with their self-observation.

1 – frustration with things not being how they should or could be. Some are actually pretty conscious about how this motivates them to work hard & always do better, but it can also turn to stress & resentment or being aggrieved that reality isnt utopic

2 – that hit of gratification when someone says „Wow, I couldn’t have done it without you.“ Not that unlike with the 3, this isn’t just about good regard in general, but about having special significance to particular ppl. being tempted by the idea of being "indispensable"

3 – ppl report rather strong gratification when they’re admired/ praised, but also that they can be too focussed on what they „should“ be feeling/performing in such a situation that little attention is left over for their actual feelings or preferences.

4 – negative comparison. But not just or not necessarily of the self with others, but also general ‚if only…‘ scenarios, wishing things had gone differently, lamenting past losses, imagining better alternate scenarios, or even just against ones own idea of how one should be.

5 – the kneejerk refusal. That sometimes quite hostile ‚eugh, no!‘ kinda feeling when you’re suddenly talked at, asked to participate in something or even contemplating a task that you „have“ to do. Sometimes there’s a spike of dread, like ‚oh no what will I have to do now?!‘ or ‚It‘s too much, I can’t.‘

6 – that thing where as soon as you get settled on an idea, or encounter the slightest sugestion of another possibility, you immediately go ‚...but what if I‘m mistaken??‘ or ‚...what if it all goes wrong?‘ and the building anxious charge that sometimes comes with it.

7 – It’s a thought pattern where you just *must* have or do this one additional thing & feel like if you did have it then you’d finally be happy – but often you may just start craving the next thing. The LaHue guy has a very evocative video on this where he describes it as almost like the world curving and all paths twisting towards whatever Must Be Had. Implicit here is some anxious assumption that if you didnt get it that would be really bad.

8 – A tendency to amp up the intensity when encountering obstacles or opposition to one’s pursuit of pleasure and goals, be it interpersonal conflict or just „conquerring“ the stains on the floor. The difference to the 7 thing is that the 7 would be content if the nice things just fell in their mouth whereas for the 8 there’s some ‚thrill of the chase‘, anxiety or anger or even pain gets registered as positive excitement, so it has almost a little bit of a self-destructive component. What is being craved is not just gratification, but a sense of triumphing over obstacles.

9 – this is one of the harder ones to grasp, cause it’s less ‚active‘ in a sense. It’s when you’re thinking of doing something for your own development, like going after a goal, stating an opinion, drawing attention etc. and at the first serious obstacle you’re like, ‚ah, screw it, it‘s not really worth it’. Not worth the effort or the ruffled feathers or the discomfort in thinking about it, or whatever it is.

Yeah it’s not being lazy and it’s not „avoiding instrospection“ either – though it might be avoiding thinking about particular things that are to do with your goals, impulses and wishes and have discomfort associated.

What I find really interesting is how some types are built around chasing highs whereas others are rather structured around reacting to something unpleasant.

Note also that for the impulse types its a response to an obstacle to your will, for the feeling types its to do with self-evaluation, and for the mental types there’s a quality of tension to it, of fearing a bad consequence.

Like, for example, the 9 one - Of the common analogies inertia is probably the best, like a little rock rolling back into the valley if it wasnt pushed with enough force to overcome the hill.

The 1 will just stubbornly keep rolling gravity be damned and will argue that the stupid hill shouldn’t be there, the 8 will push the rock extra hard on the second attempt and send it flying…. Seeing the structure yet? Its really cool… even if it a map of what’s ruining our lives.

You can derive the triadic characteristics from this, 9 gives up but also tries to be ok with its current situation, 8 goes boom! But pursues what it wants…

Or with the heart types – 2 is chasing a feeling of positive self-evaluation (& trying to get it from others), 3 is proactively assuming a particular way of being evaluated that works for the situation, 4 is reacting to a negative self-evaluaton.

My latest attempt to get control of my life consists of mentally labelling the voice that says „No, no, I dont wanna, fuck you“ as my Inner Goblin and as the one that’s like „I can’t! I can’t! It’s too much!“ as the Inner Victorian Maiden in an attempt to maybe take them less seriously or remind myself inerrogate the soundness of their claims. They’re very persuasive sometimes tho, it can feel like a survival threat, this is all pretty deep-rooted automatic shit.

If it was wholly illusory, it would be too easy – sometimes I really don’t wanna or really can’t, so the trick is in distinguishing rather than kneejerk defaulting.

Same goes for the others, probably – enjoying being praised, for example, isn’t always bad. If you got it fairly & didn’t twist yourself into no painful contortions to get it, why shouldn’t you enjoy it?

So there’s the complicatedness.

[thehandwixard]

FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THIS ok so let me catch yall up:

finished traverse town, got through wonderland, beat cerberus, at the start of deep jungle. we caught up? also my bestie has started streaming the game so im getting double exposure

gameplay thoughts right now: path of the mystic is actually pretty fun if youre doing anything that isnt aerial combos, which is most combos if anything flying is involved but thats ok. ripple wave is very rewarding to land and clears out a lot of goons around you. of course, choosing path of the mystic limits the amount of cool, actiony abilities i have, and this early on in the game you cant equip all the abilities you want for your combos, but it like. works. sora's bread and butter combo is rewarding to pull off, though its difficult to avoid getting hit out of it. i wish it was a little easier to stack finishers, but thats not really a thing.

its very difficult to manage items, though, for me at least. you have a lot of control over donald and goofy's ai in kh1, but that still doesnt mean you control their actions, so you have to be careful about the items you give them. sora donald and goofy are all also just kind of weak and inflexible at this point in the game, and theres not a quick way to get a lot of items. that said, i dont think thats BAD for this early in the game, just can make things tedious.

anyways to get into story stuff: a lot has happened in a short amount of time, and not a lot has happened in a long amount of time. wonderland is just kind of for getting your bearings, and the grinding pads it out, but it sticks out to me just how dire the cheshire cat is allowed to be. he and alice are by far the shining stars of the world, and for alice thats mostly because she's really the first.. like. princess sora is tasked with rescuing, and he is made unable to. wonderland also has our first segment of "donald and goofy dont believe theyre allowed to meddle in world affairs, but sora sees someone needs help so he does so anyways" which is fun. idk HOW recurring that is, but i think its important. esp with the like... nuance that at least donald and goofy are upset that they feel like they cant help. like they want to.

as he should, the cheshire cat comes off as a force that knows far more than anyone else can comprehend, and is easily the most lively and real character in the world. my friend singled out "if you want to find the shadows, try turning on the light" as a parallel to dive to the heart's "the brighter your light, the darker the shadow" yknow. common wordplay and shit but its still interesting. hes also the one who teaches you blizzard magic.

not much to say about olympus coliseum really? phil is ok. teaches you thunder. the hades bits ARE very funny in a specific sort of way, much has been said in the past about his VA kind of phoning it in, and that combined with the... strong Attempt. at animating him makes the whole thing really uncanny. however the part before you leave the world and have the option to talk to cloud is realllly digging at me in a good way.

i really don't know much about cloud except some like... slightly advanced basics such as his backstory, general shit hes doing, and like.his mental state at most times, which gives him and sora a really interesting instant connection

sora speaks with a genuine gravity to cloud, and it really comes across like he went out of his way to go back and talk to him, to ask if he was ok. we know that cloud is searching for sephiroth, which makes him indirectly implying sephiroth is his light... Loaded

hes really cute in this game. uhh sora's meeting with cloud also is a major part of my hashtag truth that sora kind of figured out he was into guys through the journey and meeting all sorts of cool and hot dudes and in general making connections with queer people. learning whats out there.

deep jungle is The Real Shit though.

in many ways its where the main emotional plot picks back up again and some additional threads are pulled on. sora is in a place reminiscent of his home, one that donald didnt want to go to and called 'backwater' and he crashed them onto it looking for riku and kairi. its high tier donald jackass moments to the point where when sora was explaining to tarzan hey im trying to find my friends goofy and donald, he corrects himself, and goes back to kairi and riku. and thats not a dick move from him, cause donald is being an asshole! and also now sora is hallucinating kairi without a good prompt (imagining kairi waking him up in the place of yuffie) so hes doing normal.

sora's a normal boy with many outlets to express his emotions

[bytedykes]

[ID: screenshot from bridge to the turnabout of just the textbox. Edgeworth is saying "I'm a man of science. I don't believe in 'spiritual power'." to Iris. /end ID]

okay this is really really funny to me because. actually under the cut this goes

okay so from the beginning of this case part 1-1, we have the magazine that hazakura temple was advertised in right?? and it said something about. im just gonna put the quotes here

maya says: "It's the New Year's issue of "Oh! Cult!", Winter Spiritual Locations Special!" and then reads out a tagline on the magazine, "Maximize your spiritual powers with just one night of intensive training!"

additionally, "You know, I think I've heard of this temple before. It's a famous channeling dojo. It's hard for even real spirit mediums like us to make reservations up there!" (more maya dialogue)

ok here is my thought process:

spirit channeling magazines exist?? or general occult magazines? and its obviously established the occult is real

it is also established in the ini miney case in jfa that you can study the occult. like. in college?? im not clear on whether that ended up being bs or if its like actual courses and research and stuff that ini/mimi was taking

obviously maya is a spirit medium. and she brings up earlier in this case how kurain village used to be richer because more people were commissioning their spirit channeling services. and again in the ini miney case dr grey pays for a channeling

so again we know that spirit mediums and general occult/spiritual/magic-y stuff isnt like. completely unknown to the general world. like it is not unheard of and people are aware of it, even if they arent directly related to channeling practices or families themselves

the implication that spirit mediums are just like a normal part of society EVEN THOUGH regular people dont know about them or think spirit channeling is bogus?? akjsdjks there are spirit channeling MAGAZINES which apparently spirit mediums actively read and can advertise in !

maya saying "its hard for even real spirit mediums like us" so people who arent spirit mediums make reservations at the temple?? fake mediums and just regular people?? (see larry) (yeah he's tagging along with elise who doesn't count as a not spirit medium but still) so the temples are just available to anyone and regular people can book there??

(SEE AGAIN INI VISITING KURAIN VILLAGE TO STUDY THE OCCULT)

EDGEWORTH SAYING HE DOESNT BELIEVE IN THIS even though phoenix's two weird little girls are spirit mediums and he KNOWS THIS, ergo has a direct personal connection to channeling, is SO FUNNY. "a man of science" he's so embarrassing and i love him

ALSO. in the demasque case there's a whole MUSEUM EXHIBIT on kurain village?? hi???

this isn't even considering khura'in and anything from the later games !

this is just word vomit im not making any points i just think the situation they set up is incredibly funny. like what the hell sdakdsl

i dont like putting things under the cut usually but also it makes me feel so mysterious, like oOooOooh click my button boy! if you clicked my button hi<3

(also not related to this train of thought specifically but how does pearly like?? do the things she does does she have her own bank account or something how does this work? she went out to buy strawberry cake during the demasque (? i think it was that one) case, and then this case she's the one who books the reservations for the temple, and like idk how! with what money! what are her little girl secrets! why is she more financially competent than maya and phoenix combined! i love her so much <3)

[cassyapper]

jotaro kujo song analysis: “eight” by sleeping at last

i could not figure out what the fuck to title this for a long time. please forgive me ik it’s awkward but it’s the best i got

anyway the song “eight” by sleeping at last made me mentally ill so let’s get into why <3

here’s a link to the song: https://youtu.be/obi4KCh6eHQ

here’s a link to the lyrics i referenced: https://genius.com/Sleeping-at-last-eight-lyrics

be warned there are part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6 spoilers in this

with that let’s begin.

“I remember the minute;/it was like a switch was flipped --/i was just a kid who grew up strong enough/to pick this armor up,/and suddenly it fit” Lengthy first line to start this on i know but cutting it up didn’t make sense so please forgive me… Alright let’s get to the meat of this hm? This line is about when jotaro first manifested star platinum. “I remember the minute, it was like a switch was flipped” fits perfectly with how suddenly and obviously star platinum became known to its user, as jotaro first manifests it when he’s in the middle of a fight, a fight star platinum ends very quickly and brutally. The “i was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up” is about jotaro having the willpower to control a stand such as star platinum and not get ill over it. He “grew up strong enough to pick this armor up”, this armor being star platinum (which, yes, star platinum is armor more than a weapon because its strength is used to protect. This is stated explicitly in the jin hashimoto song “star platinum” which was written specifically with jotaro/star platinum in mind, as the title suggests). It also shows how young jotaro was re the “kid” description; he was only 17, the youngest jojo up to that point. the “and suddenly it fit” also mixes with how suddenly star platinum manifested, particularly how jotaro gained passable control over it very quickly

“God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…/I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive,/and I grew up too quick.” Another long line im sorry it just doesnt make sense to cut it up 😭 Anyway this is part 6 jotaro reflecting on his past self, PARTICULARLY part 3 jotaro, which explains the “god, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…” segment “I was little, i was weak, i was perfectly naive” is kinda gold coming from part 6 jotaro cause end of part 3 jotaro is canonically when he’s at his strongest but i dont think part 6 jotaro is talking about star platinum in this line. He’s talking about jotaro being tactless and rude and pushing away his loved aways in a disillusioned attempt to keep them safe. By part 6, jotaro has to have known his coping mechanism of self-imposed isolation wasnt fair to his loved ones/himself and it clearly didnt WORK as evidenced by jolyne’s situation, so he’s cursing his younger self for it here. Hence, the calling of part 3 jotaro “little, weak, perfectly naive.” part 3 jotaro starts making the bed that part 6 jotaro ends up having to lay in and he hates him for it. The “and I grew up too quick” part is jotaro acknowledging his trauma. Even before part 3 started jotaro clearly had issues and they just kept building and building and building from part 3 and on. Combined with his self-imposed isolation, jotaro had to grow up quick to survive, and this line is part 6 jotaro reflecting on that

“Now you won’t see all that i have to lose,/all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it.” Remember the self-imposed isolation i mentioned in the last line? This line is about why jotaro does that. He hates being vulnerable. He hates relying on others. We only see him comfortable trusting others to take care of things ONCE the entire series, during the steely dan arc, when he believes in kakyoin’s abilities to keep joseph safe and get the lovers out of him safely. ONCE out of the four parts he’s featured in, out of the three he’s prominent in. jotaro does this, as i previously mentioned, out of a disillusioned attempt to keep those he loves safe, hence the “now you won’t see all that i have to lose” line. This behavior is solidified in jotaro at the end of stardust crusaders, when the two final times he tried to trust that others would handle it resulted in the deaths of over of half those he cared the most about (he may have gotten joseph back, but don’t forget that joseph did actually die). Thus, this decisive night ties into the “all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” line. He’s lost loved ones but he won’t lose them again, not in the same way at least. Ironically, the self-imposed isolation only puts his loved ones and himself in danger, but i can get into that later.

“I won’t let you in, i swore never again --/i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” This line kinda ties back with what i was mentioning in the last line, but it hones it a bit more on jotaro’s complete denial of being vulnerable rather than how he acts to ensure he isnt such. “I wont let you in, i swore never again” is a direct tie-in for how jotaro feels after stardust crusaders; he is never going to get as close to anyone or anything the way he was close to the crusaders ever again. Nothing is ever going to matter to him the same way and he is going to make sure of that, as the “swore never again” implies, because he is certain, at least at first, that this will keep others safe. The “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” part goes into how selfish and arrogant jotaro’s mentality is. Don’t get me wrong, jotaro’s self-imposed isolation can be seen as selfless, especially because the main driving force behind it is to keep others safe -- but it’s not the only force driving it. Like i said, jotaro doesn’t want to be vulnerable, and to be sure he doesnt feel that way, he needs to ensure he won’t be hurt. Can’t be sad when people die if you were never close to them, right? So as much as it is to protect others, he also is protecting himself by closing off from others. It’s also arrogant of jotaro to assume he is the deciding factor of who lives and dies, that he gets to choose/manipulate the cycle of life and death by deciding on if he opens up to others. Jotaro had this mentality of being a “deciding factor” shoved into his head during the journey to egypt, and that kinda warps his worldview as a result; everything must be his fault. Things go bad surely because he let them somehow. And it’s not jotaro’s fault he’s ill in the head like this but it is still arrogant, and the “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” line attests to this.

“I want to break these bones until theyre better/i want to break them right and feel alive” Oh jotaro you have the shittiest fuckign coping mechanisms Alright. “I want to break these bones until theyre better” ties into jotaro throwing himself into dangerous situations alone. He’s just so so damn convinced he can handle everything himself -- bc again, he is led to believe he is the deciding factor of life and death -- he just has to try. If things go wrong, it’s bc he didn’t try hard enough, hence the “break these bones until theyre better”; jotaro will hurt himself and will be convinced he deserved it until he “learns” how to be perfect like he’s “supposed” to be. But being perfect isnt something you can learn, you mentally ill motherfucker jotaro. anyway “I want to break them right and feel alive” ties into the fact jotaro would rather break his body over and over and over rather than tell his loved ones he cares. The only right way to be hurt to him is taking a hit that was meant for those he loves. Jotaro is very much a man of action rather than a man of word, and this line is about his rather unique way of acting (that is, getting beat the fuck up over and over) Basically jotaro can’t tell the people he loves that he, well, loves them, unless he is literally dying. Examples of what i mean: jotaro preferred going on a perilous, 50-day journey to just telling holly he loved her; jotaro preferred getting beat over the head with a rock in the lovers arc rather than risk hurting joseph; jotaro preferred to literally get blown up by sheer heart attack rather than tell koichi to his face he is a good kid; jotaro stepped knowingly into a trap for jolyne and had to literally believe he was in fact saying his last words before he uttered “i’ve always cherished you.”

“You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong --/my healing needed more than time” Oh my GODDDddDDDdcdd im sobbing as i type jotaro your head is so so damn ill Okay so i see him spitting this line towards joseph. Let me explain Joseph would no doubt pick up on jotaro’s ptsd and he’ll do his best to console jotaro over the deaths of their friends. But see joseph is ALSO an ill in the head idiot whose idea of therapy is electroshock and who calls ptsd “shell shock”. So all he can offer to jotaro is “youll feel better in time” because that was kinda true for him; he managed to move on in time. What joseph fails to realize is what made him feel better was not time, but the support of those remaining in his life (lisa lisa, suziq, erina, smokey). But jotaro listens and tries to give it time but the thing with jotaro is he just gets worse and worse as time wears on because he deliberately cut himself off from anyone who could console him (as well as got continually traumatized throughout his life), so time never helped but actually made things worse. Thus jotaro spitting “you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong, my healing needed more than time”. In terms of timeline, probably happens right after part 5 jotaro stares longingly at the crusaders picture

“When i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/i see the familiar” Im sorry every new line i start to analyze i begin crying so im just letting you all know incase the coherency takes a dip (as if this was coherent in the first place lmfao) Anyway so this line in relation to Jotaro is about how he projects HARD on the new generation. We see this w his interactions w josuke and koichi, the “fragile things” (there is no way he didnt see koichi as a filler for kakyoin im sorry. Also he just wants josuke safe with his friends like how he wished he was safe with his own friends as a teenager), how he was wary of giorno, “the helpless things” (jotaro is scared he’ll be similar to his dad, just like jotaro is similar enough to dio to share the same stand power…), and his interactions w jolyne, “the broken things” (angry teen in a prison? Come now). 

“I was little, i was weak, i was perfect too/now i’m a broken mirror” Throwback to the second line. Once again part 6 jotaro is reflecting but the difference here is that part 3 was when jotaro was last unashamedly happy, but more than that, part 3 jotaro was on his way to healing before everything went to shit. like i mentioned earlier, jotaro only relies on someone else completely once, and that happens in part 3. Jotaro is finally able to trust in someone else’s capabilities, which is what he needed to do before he could allow anyone to help him with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hence, why part 6 jotaro would describe him as “perfect”; because he would’ve been perfect enough if he could just trust in others like that again But as the line suggests, that went wrong. Jotaro is now a “broken mirror,” which alludes to the fact that while he projects onto the kids, the kids (the ones that know him at least) project onto him as well, especially jolyne, because in part 6 she finally figures out her dad’s thought processes, as she is experiencing those patterns of thinking too. Jotaro is a role model for them in the sense of “see him? Do the opposite of what he did” KJ;DNJ;DN;SN

“But i can’t let you see all that i have to lose/all that i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” Same meaning as before mostly but the repetition is important me thinks because it mimics jotaro like frantically trying to remind himself why he must be distant when all he wanted to do was go home to jolyne and be her father

“I can’t let you in --/ i swore never again,/ i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” This means roughly the same thing as the previous line that’s similar to this, but the “i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” is less about jotaro’s selfishness/arrogance and more about how he believes enemies will use his loved ones against him and how goddamn, it would work, it would work so well because jotaro loves so, so damn much It’s a shame distancing himself didn’t work the way he wanted it to and ended up making his loved ones even more vulnerable than they would have been otherwise

“I’m standing guard,/i’m falling apart/and all i want to do is to trust you” (Begins screaming and doesn’t stop) okay so this line is about jotaro and jolyne during the beginning of stone ocean “Im standing guard” alludes to the fact that jotaro is still desperately trying to appear distant and uninterested even as he attempts to break his fucking daughter out of prison “I’m falling apart” ties into jotaro failing miserably at remaining cold towards jolyne, how he eventually caves in and tells her he loves her in addition to taking a literal bullet for her, using time stop to ensure he can make it to her to do so. and also this line ties into how he is literally physically shot and how his memories and stand are taken from him “And all i want to do is to trust you” is directed towards jolyne of course. God his whole “i’ve always cherished you” ties in with this line; like i mentioned earlier, jotaro by part 6 knows his self-imposed isolation is useless, but old habits die hard and also he was in very deep by the time he accepted there was no reason to go in the first place at all. So he doesn’t know how to change, he doesn’t know how to trust jolyne, it’d been 20ish years since he last trusted someone completely, but god he wants to. He wants to trust her. It’s all he wants to do hence this line

“Show me how to lay my sword down/for long enough to let you through” So continuing from the last line, jotaro just wants to let jolyne in. he wants to learn how to do that. I think this line is actually directed towards his younger self; 17 year old jotaro managed to let in a person once, after all (more than one person in fact, but all the crusaders). This would also make more sense w my interpretation of how part 6 jotaro calls part 3 jotaro “perfect” in this regard Essentially it’s jotaro thumbing through his memories to figure out how his past self gathered the security to trust in someone else wholeheartedly...which makes the fact that pucci steals his memories particularly fucked up in this context

“Here i am, pry me open/what do you want to know?” Another line directed toward jolyne. “Here i am, pry me open” refers to how after jotaro tells jolyne he cherishes her, all cards are on the table. He’s shown vulnerability, might as well go full throttle. So, he’s willing to talk to jolyne for the first time ever, especially because she’s a stand user now “What do you want to know?” ties into jotaro being willing to open up, but also the fact that jolyne doesnt really know her dad ):

“I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough/to hold the door shut/and bury my innocence” Hhnghg begins wailing this line is again about post-egypt jotaro. A lot of jotaro’s like...emotional maturation (and even some physical) occurred during the trip to egypt and immediately afterward. he’s in pain and desperately trying to rationalize a way he can be in control of never letting something like what happened in egypt happen again, hence the “im just a kid who grew up scared enough” “To hold the door shut” refers to how jotaro cut off other people, even the people who used to know him very well, like joseph and polnareff and holly “And bury my innocence” i mentioned this in another line but this bit also refers to how jotaro had to grow up quickly to survive, considering his self-imposed isolation and his life path of chasing down dio’s remnants

“But here’s a map, here’s a shovel/here’s my Achilles’ heel” This line is SUPPOSED to be directed toward jolyne but inadvertently it is also directed toward pucci. When jotaro says fuck it and gives up on his pretense of disinterest in jolyne, finally letting her know he loves her, he’s finally building the frame of a bridge to jolyne; he’s ready to do what he’s wanted to for so long, no matter how vulnerable it makes him, and that is to be jolyne’s father. However, pucci takes note of this; he knows to aim for jolyne in the final battle because of jotaro’s earlier actions when he tries breaking jolyne out of prison. It really is a shame how the narrative keeps fucking enforcing jotaro’s shitty self-imposed isolation

“I’m all in, palms out, i’m at your mercy now and i’m ready to begin/i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in” Hmm i imagine this line being when jotaro meets back up with jolyne after he gets his memory disk back. The first thing he does is hug her and cradle her close to him, showing off to the world, right in front of pucci, how much his daughter means to him. But jotaro, at least for the moment, is not scared to be vulnerable anymore. Ever since he decided to give up his cold facade, he was ready to let jolyne in, and he finally has the chance to do that at least a little right before the final battle, which is what this line is about

“I’ll shake the ground with all my might/i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” Final battle in stone ocean,,, What the “i’ll shake the ground will all my might” line refers to is jotaro’s willingness to use star platinum the world during the battle. He’s ready to go all in to save the world, and most importantly, save jolyne, even if he has to use the source of his greatest trauma to do it. Jotaro’s a key player and he knows it, has known it for a long time, and this time he’s going to use that for his happy ending. And well, as i mentioned in the last line, jotaro’s done with the self-isolation and throws himself into the role of jolyne’s father, at least as much as he has the right to throw himself into. This is mostly what the “i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” line refers to

“For the innocent, for the vulnerable/i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” More stone ocean final battle. The “innocent and vulnerable” jotaro is showing up for are jolyne, namely, but also hermes and emporio, and beyond that, the world. Jotaro understands how serious this is and he’s always been a force meant for protection, so he is here to do just that, which is what the “i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” line refers to. Jotaro doesnt believe he’s a good person -- and he might not be, in the grand scheme of things -- but he does fight for what he believes is right, he always has, he mentions this way back in stardust crusaders during his fight with kakyoin. He’s never going to let injustice stand, especially not when he knows he’s such a key player

“And i’ll give all i have, i’ll give my blood, give my sweat --/an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” This line actually applies to all the “final battles” jotaro has been involved in; part 3, part 4, and part 6. Jotaro, as i mentioned in the last line, has a strong sense of justice and is a force that first and foremost tries to protect, which the “i’ll give all i have, i’’l give my blood, give my sweat” part of this line refers to. Jotaro gives his all, has given his all, to rid the world of dio’s influence, he ruined his entire fucking life to do so, and this line gives credence to that. “An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” refers to jotaro mourning all the what-ifs in his life, which are all tied with how the outcomes of these final battles go. If part 3 didnt end the way it did, jotaro would know how to trust still, he wouldve been happy even, maybe he wouldnt have had to sacrifice the rest of his life to dio; if part 4 didn’t end the way it did, maybe jotaro couldve gone home to his daughter, maybe he couldve been a bit of a better dad (this is because kids were involved in part 4 even if they didn’t try to because stand users attract stand users, and jotaro couldnt risk doing that to his daughter, so he ends up never coming home); and now for part 6, jotaro hopes that if it ends just a little better than the previous two, jotaro could at least died a satisfying death of sacrificing himself for jolyne, or maybe even got a chance to try mending his relationship with jolyne if they both survive

“I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again” So this line speaks to both physical and emotional states Jotaro was physically “shattered porcelain” when he lost his stand and memory and also was shot, and he was “glued back together again” when he got medical attention and jolyne got back his disks Jotaro was emotionally “shattered porcelain” due to the fact he couldnt trust anyone completely since he was 17 goddamn years old but he’s “glued back together again” in the sense he’s ready to finally, finally try and be vulnerable in order to save his relationship with jolyne

“Invincible like i’ve never been” This line hurts so fucking much because i believe jotaro was optimistic, all things considered, at the beginning of the final fight in stone ocean. After all, he knows he’s an important figure in all this, he has his stand disk and memories back, he and jolyne and the others have a plan, and he has a future he wants to fight for in addition to the world’s continued functioning So he feels “invincible” like he’s never felt before because not even during the part 3 final battle with dio did he have the hope for the future he has now. But then. Then pucci brings out the knives. And the man who could control time never had enough in the end. He dies and cant even save jolyne with his death. The world ends. He failed. I think this is perfectly represented with how suddenly the song ends. It just perfectly encapsulates the tragedy that is jotaro kujo and i cant stop fucking thinking about it

thanks for reading all this if you did. jotaro kujo makes me feel mentally ill

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

hello :(( i'm here again because idk how tumblr erased the matchup you gave me so i thought i could try again with requesting a cake since they're open i guess, i'm so sorry but i really like your writing and your creative side, i wish to be this creative lmao

I'm 5'6ish, brown hair and light green eyes. i'm very chill and introvert, but if i'm comfortable with someone i open up more til the point to make the others laugh with what i'm saying. I don't trust people easily and i rarely tell my secrets to anyone. oh, i'm a pisces and an istj!

i don't play any kind of sport but three times a week i exercise at home just to stay active sometimes but my stamina is non-existent so yeah i give up easily.

i like following the rules and rebelling against them just give me anxiety. i always have earphones in even when i'm not listening to music. i enjoy staying in alone and i prefer talking about feeling through messages than in person.

i like drawing but i'm really bad at it. i'm not competitive at all, i'm mostly laid back all the time lmao.

i always see the beauty inside the others, i can't see flaws on them because i see them all on me.

i hate when people insist and i hate insisting too.

i enjoy a good book or a really good film from time to time, wrapped in a cozy blanket on my sofa. i also havd a cat who's the real love of my life, i could'n imagine myself without him.

Tumblr is this close 🤏 to catching these hands 😁

@likethebegin sorry that happened! Hope you enjoy this one ❤️

Romantic Matchup

Kenma Kozume

How yall met

You lost your cat 🥲

You were distraught

Went all out with hanging those missing posters

A week had went by and no luck

Until

Kenma approached you at school

He said he saw all your flyers

Then he pulled up a picture

“Is this your cat?”

He had found your cat!

The universe does love you after all

You went to his house after school to pick the cat up

But this hoe didn't want to leave 💀

He legit liked kenma more than you

So you stayed at his house for a bit

You guys really just played games and watched movies the whole time

Until your cat had chilled out and was ready to go home

You guys became really good friends after that day

And you started to go to his house more often

Occasionally bringing your cat

Then one day when you came over

He told you that he actually liked you a lot

Like more than friends

Lucky for him though, you liked him back

So you two started dating

And your cat had a new father :3

What they love about you

He loves how chill you are

He doesnt really like loud or crazy people

So he likes how he can just come to you for that good ol comfortable silence

He loves that your also an introvert

Ok mans here isnt the most extroverted person out there

So he gets your introverted tendencies

You bolth are very awkward in social situations…

Even when your together

But it’s ok

Yall can be awkward green beans together

He loves the fact that you see the beaty in everything

Poor boy right here can get a little insecure sometimes

But you just dont allow that

No insecure kenmas here

You always remind him how great he is

And give him VERY specific reasons why hes so great

We love validation on this blog

Favorite things to do together

JDSJUF

He loves to sit on the couch and watch movies with you

However

Its really you watching the movie while he plays his games

Unless its a movie he actually enjoys

All that matters is that your next to him

Or sitting on the couch while you both play a game on the tv

He likes spending time with you

Random HC

You have matching headphones

You guys try to work out together…

But fail miserably

You guys text

Like ALL the time

Phone addicts much

Your cat still low key likes kenma more than you 🥲🥲🥲

Astrology

Libra is an Air Sign and Pisces is a Water Sign. These two Signs together combine their heads and their hearts to solve all problems — a winning combination

The best decisions are made with both the emotions and the intellect; this relationship tends to be extremely flexible and progressive.

When problems occur, however, the communication breaks down between Libra and Pisces. Libra, who can at times be mentally manipulative, may give Pisces ‘the silent treatment.’

In this partnership there’s always an undercurrent of friction but neither partner will ever truly be the leader.

Although they may disagree often, their differences of opinion don’t last long. Their only real trouble may result from their tendency to slow down to the point of stopping when they get together.

When Libra and Pisces come together in a love affair, theirs is a congenial and even-tempered romance.

These two Signs are very compatible, making for a truly smooth-sailing love affair.

Both Signs are attuned to life’s aesthetic side, but they also have much to offer one another

When Pisces gets lost in a fantasy, Libra can apply that Libran proclivity for balance to help get Pisces back on track, and Pisces can return the favor by helping Libra see the beauty in love and empathy.

This is an honest partnership that values truth and harmony in itself and in the world.

Overall Aesthetic

Dazecore 🌙

Songs-

Brooklyn Baby - Lana Del Ray

Breezeblocks - alt j

Blow My Brains Out - Tikkle Me

Die For You - The Weekend

[tigerdrop]

It's incredibly rare for me to write smut and even rarer for me to feel comfortable sharing any of it with anyone, but I'm staring at the rest of the ideas on that wheel and wishing those two facts about me were less true because, DAMN

BRO THOSE ARENT EVEN THE HALF OF IT LIKE IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THESE. IVE BEEN POSSESSED BY SOMETHING EVIL AND IT MADE ME FURIOUSLY TYPE NEARLY 1000 WORDS ABOUT GORDON WEARING NITRILE GLOVES AND JAMMING HIS FINGERS IN BENREYS MOUTH

after benrey shows up its him and gordon split up from the rest of them and theyre being pursued by cops and gordon spots a very narrow corridor/alleyway/passage/fucking whatever and yoinks benrey in there with him to hide....... and he covers benreys mouth instinctively to get him to shut up and hes got the gloves on.

and hes got long fingers pressed up tight against benreys mouth and when benrey instinctively opens his mouth a little  to breathe, they get pressed in a little bit.......against his lips and teeth.......and they have such a distinctive clinical smell and gordons got his other arm wrapped around his waist and theyre pressed so closely against each other in the confined space and benreys got his back to gordons chest...... 

he licks gordons fingers out of sheer irritation/wanting to turn the tables a little and get gordon off of him b/c hes having a Fucking Reaction. maybe combined with a little bit of gordon hissing something mean/irritated right up close next to his ear

benrey, muffled: MMMFPGPHPG gordon, whispering directly into his ear: shut up shut up shut up theyre going to fucking find us benrey: (boner)

just thinking it would be cool and good and fun for gordon to irritatedly fingerfuck benreys mouth with a nitrile gloved hand in a cramped dark alleyway

ACTUALLY WAS LITERALLY JUST THINKING "okay but also what if they both just have to awkwardly part with the brand new knowledge that benrey was super fucking horny for it”. gordons never seen him that flushed and sweaty before in his fucking life and hes pretty fucking sure that was an honest to god boner

benrey awkwardly adjusting his pants and powerwalking away like "dont FUCKING talk to m--"

afterwards maybe gordon notices that whenever hes talking, benreys not really looking at him. hes looking at gordons hands. gordon starts moving his hands more vigorously and exaggeratedly just to check, and, yep. thats exactly whats fucking going on, isnt it

telling benrey to shut up and be fucking quiet while hes doing it but it has sort of the opposite effect. "if i add more fingers maybe he'll finally shut up--"

gordon grateful for his HEV suit b/c hes hard as a fucking rock from this and he doesnt want benrey to know how much hes getting off on this too. Anyway i was definitely watching the stream

corollary thought: gordon said just a moment ago that this HEV suit is different........gordon frustration momence where he expects the suit to jack him off and relieve his tension, but......it doesnt

hes never wanted to be out of this suit and pressing his dick up against benreys ass so bad in his fucking life

and maybe he gets frustrated enough to push a little harder......fuck benreys mouth with more energy and less worry about whether or not benreys gonna gag.......press him up against the wall hard enough to be uncomfortable, maybe even ache a little in theory, but it all just gets benrey hotter and makes him louder and he cannot believe all of this shit is just getting benrey off more and theres nothing he can do about it

what if benrey came solely from getting his mouth fucked haha jk unless ....... thinking about it being some specific thing that gordon mutters into his ear that gets him off at last. i dont know what exactly. but.,

he pulls back and benreys more of a fucking mess than hes ever seen before and its so obvious that hes essentially a step removed from having just fucked benrey silly in an alleyway and it stresses him out so badly that now gordons the one angrily powerwalking away with a boner

its painfully obvious to the rest of the science crew that theres something up with gordon now b/c hes super stressed out and irritable and snappy and gordons paranoid that they can tell theres something weird going on with benrey, too, but actually benrey just simps like that all the fucking time and they cant tell the difference between "benrey fucked stupid" and "benrey regular stupid"

gordon keeps getting into dangerous situations b/c he just keeps zoning out thinking about those sounds benrey was making and the feeling of his tongue all hot and wet against the material of his gloves and the look of his face all flushed and sweaty and the spit dripping from his mouth afterwards and then he almost gets shot b/c hes too fucking horny

benrey cackling and grinning at him later as he saves his ass and it just makes gordon fucking woozy with it

craving the most awkward interaction in the world here: "darnold.......youre a doctor. if i have a boner for more than 4 hours i should see a doctor. right"

darnold: what in the fuck, gordon 

hes not going to ask. he doesnt want to have this conversation. hes not even that kind of fucking doctor and gordon knows this, ordinarily, but he hasnt had blood flow to his brain in over 4 hours. dude desperately needs to just sneak off to a bathroom and jack off to get his mind right again

this is just gross for no reason but consider this: gordon coming all over his hand and he hurriedly tucks himself back into his suit but when he gets out of the stall he still looks freshly fucked and like a total mess and benreys eyes beeline to the cum on his gloved hand and he. and he

puts

gordons fingers

in his mouth.

ANYWAY BYEEEEE

[avvidstarion]

I realized i never really post about ursula’s plot so here’s a summary of her backstory up until the events of the campaign:

- if you don’t know, ursula arctos is a human bloodhunter (order of the lycan). her lycan form is a werebear (specifically a moon bear)

-ursula had a pretty good childhood, unlike literally every other oc of mine. she has two dads, maurice and haemire.  maurice is a quiet human goatherd who used to be a powerful mercenary called Maurice The Grizzly, but abandoned the life in favor of a quiet life with his husband. haemir is an elven wizard/artifcer who met maurice on a job and convinced him that supposed god-given glory wasn’t worth a short life of misery and hardship

-ursula herself is a pretty solid combination of both of her fathers- maurice taught her combat skills and leadership and haemir taught her all about magic and the joys of learning (although she is absolutely terrible at spellwork itself) 

-ursula was always a restless child and always felt too big for her tiny little village, so when she turned 18 she decided to become an adventurer herself. she enrolled in the local bloodhunter academy, the Silverbite Academy. although bloodhunters are generally seen as creepy freaks, she had always thought they were cool. she viewed studying at the academy as the perfect way to mesh her interests together- the academy trains its students in combat but also has its students take intensive courses in things like monster lore, religion, history, and magical studies (”know thy enemy”, etc). since she sucks so bad at casting, she figured the next best thing was to just read and learn about magic as much as she could. plus blood magic isnt quite actual magic, but it’s as close as she can get.

-students study at the academy for four years (students are usually 18 when they start, it’s basically college, but anyone can join at any time), and then do a year of work in the field under the mentorship of an experienced bloodhunter. the valedictorian of each graduating class gets to study under the headmaster of the academy. silverbite is specifically order of the lycan, so the night after graduation all graduates are given the gift of lycanthropy in an extremely secretive ceremony. students aren’t told anything about it besides the fact that there is a chance they could die during the process (it’s basically the joining from dragon age), and that afterword they will receive an earring in the shape of a silver fang as both a badge of honor and as a way to control their lycanthropy. the ceremony is affectionately referred to as “getting your fangs” by students, bc 1) you get your lycanthrope form and 2) the earrings

-on her first day at school, ursula met an elvan man named sasha ilihice. the two immediately hated each other and were rivals for their entire time at the academy, constantly trying to outdo each other in everything and competing for the valedictorian spot. eventually, the two of them realized that they had developed feelings for the other, and began dating in their senior year. shortly after, they graduated as co-valedictorians of their class.

-that night, after they graduated, sasha and ursula got super drunk and realized “hey we might die tomorrow so fuck it let’s get married” and then had the dnd equivalent of a vegas drivethru wedding. 

-ursula made it through the ceremony fine, but sasha did not. he didn’t die, but he came very close. the process wreaked havoc on his body, turned his hair white, and left him very weak. he couldn’t even transform all the way. he was still given a fang and was allowed to do his year of mentorship in the field, but he struggled for the first time in his life and was left feeling very resentful and angry. sasha was the son of nobles, and his whole life his parents raised him with insanely high expectations and made sure he always maintained a perfect image. he hated that he looked so pathetic, and hated that others were better than him and looked down upon him. he felt entitled to success, and when his life didn’t turn out the way he planned he kinda flipped out

-ursula and sasha completed their year of field work studying under the headmaster of the academy, octavius hu. octavius is beloved by all students of the academy and is seen as a semi parental figure, and the three stayed close friends even after the year was up. ursula even helped babysit octavius’s daughter, olivia, who immediately took a shining to her. ursula was like olivia’s Cool Big Sister, and she really looked up to her. 

-sasha and ursula moved into a little house on the grounds of the academy (there’s a whole little residential area on campus that graduates move in to bc 1) the academy also serves as the HQ for all the bloodhunters in the area, and so those who are active in the field have to stay close so they can get assignments and stuff and also 2) bloodhunters and lycans are generally disliked so honestly there’s nowhere else for them to go). as the years went on, sasha and ursula’s marriage became strained.they’re basically those people that marry their high school sweetheart right after graduation only to wake up years later and realize that they are completely different people than they were when they got married and that maybe they rushed into things, but they’ve been together for so long that they don’t get divorced bc they don’t know anything else

- also sasha became resentful and jealous of ursula and her success, and ursula coddled sasha and treated him as though he were something to save, which only made things worse.

-about five or six years after they graduated, strange things began to happen around the academy. people’s tempers became short, fights were breaking out, stuff like that. sasha, ursula, and octavius, strangely, seemed to be at the epicenter of it. sasha especially seemed to be especially on edge at all times. 

-tensions came to a head one day when ursula and sasha were out on a monster hunting job. while in her lycan form, ursula just completely lost control of herself and ended up going berserk sasha, too, seemed to be driven into a frenzy, and the two of them ended up killing some civilians. the only thing that snapped ursula out of it was the fact that, somehow, sasha was able to fully transform. she had never seen him do that before, and immediately figured out that obviously something was very, very wrong

-ursula poured herself into research, and came up with a theory about what was going on: someone in the academy had become corrupted by malar, the god of evil lycanthropes, and the corruption was spreading among the graduates. basically it’s magic rabies

-ursula presented her findings to octavius and sasha in the headmaster’s officce. sasha and her ended up in a fight, and as she turned to storm away he grabbed her from behind and slit her throat in a fit of fury. as ursula lay bleeding out, sasha revealed to her and octavius that it was he who had made the deal with malar in exchange for the power that was stolen from him

-ursula died, went to hell, and some time later ran into a party of adventurers. she agreed to help them with their quest in exchange for help busting out of hell

-they made it out, and ursula realized that she had been dead for seven years. she’s still caught halfway between life and death, and still has an open wound where her neck was slashed. she covers it with a choker, but can never forget that it’s there and can never forgive who gave it to her

[patheticfrogarchive]

anyway tw for me talking abt my asshole 

ANYWAY update on my anxious breakdown re: my colon and asshole. my ass is bleeding like its BLEEDING for about a month now every 2-7 days ill go to either pee or poop, wipe, and then wipe again, and theres a tiny lil spot of blood. and i kNOW its not from my uterus bc 1) im not on my period every day of my life 2) i specifically like. pat my hole to see. like it was a TINY amount to begin with i mean i wouldnt even have noticed it if i wasnt specifically looking for it and it was always just one dot and thats it. never mixed in w my pee or poop that i could see, never randomly throughout the day, always jsut one lil dot

BUT OF COURSE im paranoid so i fucking ordered an at home lab test colon cancer screen so i shat in a box and mailed it in and SURPRISE they found no blood in my shit nothing wrong with me and youd THINK that combined w my 100% normal bloodwork would finally calm me down but NO im still worried

i dont actually know the human body anatomically but i remembver reading something that was like “ur colon is on ur left” so magically  a few weeks ago i started feeling like. a vague ache/twinge/whatever in my left side like up near my chest and like of course i go “fuck its my colon im dying” even tho my dad was like “you stupid thats not where ur colon is”. amazing that i only started feeling something after expecting to feel soemthing

anyway my parents are convinced its a hemorrhoid and my mom has a LOT of experience with those so like, she would know. anyway yesterday my asshole like, felt itchy and bad and uncomf and i felt like there was something like... slipping out of it??? anyway my mom says thats a hemorrhoid and sure whatever but im still freaked out. anyway today at work i went to drop a turd and my ass bled that little dot and i was like ‘ok thats a little more than usual’ and i patted AGAIN and there was more blood. and more. and like, ok it wasn’t actually a lot like its not like i was bleeding out  and it wasnt gushing or anything but compared to the previous times it was more, but also im finishing up my period so ??? but also i specifically only patted my butthole. and it happened every single time i went to the bathroom at work, even if i just pissed. and my asshole felt like, scraped raw and it was itchy and uncomf and i hated it. 

so during my lunch break i called my doctor and made an appointment to get examined in like 2 weeks which. im obviuously GONNA do it bc while this is prob just a combo of shitty retail rough toilet paper, me rubbing too hard, and me giving myself a hemorrhoid by straining too hard a month ago, id rather be safe than sorry. but also i am NOT looking forward to having a FUCKING FINGER up my ASSHOLE i barely managed to get thru my first vaginal exam a few months ago idk how im gonna get thru a fucking finger up my goddamn ass

and also when i got home i was like ‘ok im gonna check my asshole in the mirror and its gonna bleed i bet but at least ill see it’ fufcking nothing. no bleeding, magically not itchy and raw anymore, i even got some toilet paper and rubbed at it but??? nothing??? and like idk what an asshole is supposed to feel like but everything seems completely normal lmfao. tho sometimes it feels like. not liek my ass is gonna fall out but like. like theres a tiny thing in my ass thats ABOUT to come out but when i go to try and poop it out nothing will come and i dont actually feel like i need to do a whole poop. its like somethings stuck in my hole but there isnt anything??? anyway that feeling comes and goes like i had it a month ago and then it went away afte rlike 3 days but its back  now and ugh

anyway my current hypothesis is that its just shitty target sandpaper toilet paper ripping my asshole to shreds and also a hemorrhoid that i gave myself. but also i cant help but worry bc im fucking bleeding from my asshole and im terrified im gonna die at the ripe age of 23 of colon and/or asshole cancer.

i also have had like. not a headache not dizzyness but SLIGHT ever so slight like. lightheadedness? idk i feel off headwise so of course im like “oh my god im anemic bc im bleeding internally” even tho my bloodtests from like a month ago showed that if anything ihave MORE red blood cells compared to last time i got tested and im not in fact anemic. but also idk anything medical and so of course im like “BUT WHAT IF THINGS HAVE CHANGED” anyway in an ideal world i would probably be getting a blood test every week bc im fucking paranoid.

 i have also been sleeping horribly due to anxiety lately so im prob just tired but bASICALLY IM STRESSED LMFAO 

if anyone read all this. sorry. 

[felidfavs]

oh man theres that tiktok rn where a nonbinary person is expressing their annoyance with certain nonbinary community subsets and ive been trying SO HARD not to comment on it but hHHHHH.

On one hand i completely get where they are coming from and its definitely A Thing so like no shade to that persons experiences and the video itself isnt outright disrespectful at all but GOD does it rub me so wrong.

like im also not fond of the sound and feel of enby, and people can totally like or dislike it and no one should force it on anyone else for sure! But the only reason it sounds "infantile" is because of the whole "kiki vs boba" concept where certain sounds, along with conventions in the english language like short syllables and stuff being associated with endearments and softer concepts and objects- theres nothing else about it that means that. Even if you take it out of verbal and write it "NB" that removes a lot of the softness- which is why when its a problem its always phoneticized. because "NB" isnt the FEELING of the sound youre hearing.

But that thing where people dont want to be infantalized (valid) being combined with people not wanting to be associated with "weird" "cringe" or "childish" things like associating with concepts like animals or fantasy creatures or objects... ends up feeling SUPER misogynistic and ableist to me?

The people who relate to raccoons and gremlins and shit arent doing it to be quirky and childish. Theyre doing it because of a fucking destroyed relationship with being able to identify with other human beings and reclaiming and playing with that alienation and expression. Theyre doing it because anytime you get remotely into the ballpark of an aesthetic claimed by a large enough group of a certain gender, their identity is once again questioned and people start treating them as THAT and not as THEM.

And like. I get that. I'm not huge on it myself but I literally have multiple "sona" characters based on dead cats because of struggling with derealization and depersonalization and depression and my identity and shit like. i really fucking understand wanting nothing to do with being perceived as anything remotely close to your physical self and thus distancing really hard from "normal human".

And then it also kicks into the ballpark of how a lot of neurodivergent people do similar and thats constantly trashed and bullied for being weird and abnormal. And given how theres a HUGE, HUUUGE problem with how people assume everyone whose nonbinary is afab... and specifically even in that video the person was kinda coming from a "why is that SIDE of the nb demographic like this why are the ""transmasc/amab""* types alienated" like, just, makes me flinch into...

is this another young ""women""(not women) cant be interested or do literally anything without being mocked? cause it has some of that flavour! With a little bit if "these """women""" arent nonbinary they just want to be weird and not beholden to the label of women" its just! mm! dont like it. (* also with the nod that is NB and necessarily any desire to be associated with those labels)

But yea. I donnnttt like it. I get where theyre coming from and super agree that if they feel like they cant be welcomed into the community or actively alienated thats an issue for sure! But I also super dont like the feeling of the video that the problem causing that issue is that theres some sort of monolith nonbinary culture that is cringey and should be minimized or downgraded in any way. From my understanding the joy of being nonbinary is that its usually an intentional departure from being able to be defined by your expression in the world and activities and roles and that you literally can not typify what it means to be nonbinary and thus anything goes.

So to me that person just... needs to find theyre bubble and fortify their comfort and security in what their identity means to them and find people who reinforce that euphoria for them. Cause like. As a nonbinary person who barely does fuck all irl to """seem nonbinary""".... can confirm we exist. No one defines nonbinary. People who try are usually trying simply to other themselves from it, because you cant other yourself or someone else until you have a definition. And othering isnt necessarily bad, but do it with love and intention. Your other is not meant to be your enemy.

[smuglemon]

time to vent here because it somehow feels safer then anywhere else 🦎 . it will go into stupid detail cause lol

i just. fucking Hate how. everything has turned out! I hate coming to terms with the fact i have actual trauma . but. it doesnt feel right to say what i went through is trauma even though it was. or maybe it wasnt i dont know but i literally have flashbacks when im feeling weak, i dont KNOW if thats normal. i still just wish things were different i want a different childhood. i know was neglected my whole childhood , i missed months of school my parents fought all the time over drugs i witnessed kittens pass away and i had to deal with that . I know my parents still loved me and tried for me and they are recovered now. but it just hurts so bad still. i coped with everything by having a horrible internet addiction. Which led to me getting insomnia whcih i still suffer from to this day. i wasnt depressed back then but i had horrible anxiety, it wasnt social yet but every time they fought i would break down and i didnt know how to deal with that i still get involuntary shakes whenever i hear yelling from my parents . I wish i could control it but ggahhh fuck. i used escapism to deal with my problems, id just sit and draw and watch my little pony and just look for anything that would be a distraction. I didnt have any friends outside of the internet or school and usualy i wasnt going to school. my parents never wanted to do anything with me and i was always really lonely, id talk to anyone who would talk to me. this led to some good things but a lot of bad things. but all this neglect whether it was trauma inducing or not just led me to not seeing doctors, getting a proper education or learning how to be social . Whcih leads to today!!!!! hahahahahhahahhaha :(

to start I have no friends outside of the internet period anymore. everyone irl left me 2 years ago on a total whim, and i have no reason to believe it was anyone elses but my own fault. I love and appreciate tje friends i still have online, but being suddenly dropped by my old friends left me with really severe abandonment issues with the people im closest with rn :( i need to constantly be with people especially a specific person who my emotions seem to rely on,, i know im the only one who can control how i feel but ggod. it feels like evry emotion they have i have to match it or i will not be good, if im visibly sad when theyre happy i will be left alone agakn and i know that isnt true i know they wouldnt leave me but the fear still exists and i dont know how to get rid of it. i always read too far in nto their tone and worry whether they are mad at me or sad or any other thing, i fear im annoying for constantly asking for reasurance :( and every time they go i fear when they come back they will realise im bad and they will leave me and it feels almost inevitable. i know logically i know i shouldn't but god i have nightmares abt it,, theres so many better people out there. my friends deserve so much better than that.

ive also been diagnosed with ADHD recently ! man as if i didnt have enough problems. its just been really awful to deal with. with a combination of trauma(?) driving me to want to indulge in my childhood fixations and nostalgic things and , like idk if its age regression but just ,, trying to imagine a happier childhood alot. mixed with getting hyperfixated on anything but my school work,, mixed with not having a classroom environment , its lead me to fail 2 semesters of school so far . I feel like I have no future anymore because of that. i feel so lazy and i know im just making excuses for that but despite everything tjat happened i just wanna be a kid again! I want to be raised normally I want to get help for my problems early i wanna not have to worry about anything :( i want to be normal.