#i actually wanted to see if i could find the 2016 story since i heard that was exceplent but alas

[xxplastic-cubexx]

BIRTHDAY HAUL courtesy of a very lovely friend of mine 🥺

bonus goofy pics of a bday snack i had earlier with my favorite menace …..

[yuzukahibiscus]

SEWATCH (95th Class) – 2016 Archives

From 2010, Takarazuka GRAPH has a corner for introducing classmates (douki) in our colour pages. 95th class is the 6th edition and we now disclose excerpts of writer Seo Yuria (Seocchi) and her classmates.

~ Taken from August 2021 GRAPH.

JANUARY – Seo Yuria X Manaki Reika

To celebrate our first issue, the guest is...Manaki Reika of Moon Troupe ☽ It's Chapi~♡ Ah, she's an angel ♡ She's full of clarity....Let'Sewatch the mystery of this angel descending to earth!!!!

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: Everyone already knows about the beauty and cuteness of Chapi, so I thought what if we showed a different side of Chapi~

Chapi: No, not at all. But because it's the New Year issue, aren't we wearing these for the New Year?

Seocchi: We thought, "Year of the...Monkey, right? OH!" (LOL) What do you think about becoming a monkey (LOL)?

Chapi: Since I was born, I've been told that I look like a monkey, so it's an honour to be a monkey [for this corner].

Both: (exploding in laughter).

Chapi: My mother used to say, "I thought I gave birth to a monkey" (LOL).

Seocchi: Well, you could say you returned to your roots. What a new feeling (LOL).

Chapi: Yes, that's right. My ears are also "far away from each other" (and while saying that, Chapi flapped her hands beside her ears).

Seocchi: That's cute (LOL).

FEBRUARY – Seo Yuria X Rei Makoto

The guest for this month is the Super Boy, our Rei Makoto of Star Troupe ☆ It's Coto-chan~ (Coto)☆

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: I thought would it be possible to show a side of Co-chan that everyone hasn't seen before~ and the result of constant frustration and thinking, I've decided that we should wear the Takarazuka Music School uniforms!!

Coto: First, I need to find my uniform~

Seocchi: Yeah (LOL). How do you feel? Actually.

Coto: No I mean, it's nostalgic.

Seocchi: I remembered that the two of us used to sit side by side whle having lessons.

Coto: That's when both of us were fighting the urge to sleep away.

Seocchi: A time that we were scolded almost every day, but the days where we were very determined.

MARCH – Seo Yuria X Reimi Urara

Now, the guest this time is Reimi Urara-sama of Cosmos Troupe, it's Yuuri!! Let'Sewatch at the mystery of this flawless beautiful girl!!!

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: While both of us are thinking a lot about what to do, we heard Zun-chan (Sakuragi Minato) having her interview nearby on "What is your dream if you didn't enter Takarazuka!?".

Urara: We heard her answer, "I'm not sure if this is what I really want to do, but maybe the admirable flight attendants?"...

Seocchi: That's why everyone can see this wonderful Reimi Urara-sama!! (Thanks Zun-chan~♡)

Urara: I hope we can show that relationship between the pilot and the flight attendant (LOL).

Seocchi: There's some story between us... (LOL)

Urara: (LOL). That's fun!

APRIL – Seo Yuria X Tsukishiro Kanato

The guest this month is – remarkable! Tsukishiro Kanato of Snow Troupe!! It's Usshi (Reiko)✨ Wow~ So pretty...She's already beautiful, so let'Sewatch if we could show a mysteriously different look of Tsukishiro Kanato-sama.

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: After much thinking...

Reiko: We revived as the anime of "Shonen Ashibe"!! Well, I like Goma-chan. No, not just that, I like seals (LOL).

Seocchi: That's why, Usshi wore a seal costume and searched for various pictures, and found this really cute seal costume, and asked me "how do you think"?

Reiko: No, it's because I said, I want to be a more real seal!!

Seocchi: She seriously ordered this full costume (LOL). How do you feel wearing it?

Reiko: When I actually wear the costume, I can feel it looks fluffier than how Goma-chan was like, (LOL), but I'm really satisfied!!

Seocchi: That's great~ It's a great success that it made Usshi satisfied!

MAY – Seo Yuria X Minami Maito

The fifth guest is Flower Trouope otokoyaku Minami Maito (Maiti) ❀ I wanto see~!! Let'Sewatch the stunning muscles of this girl!!!

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: If we talk about Minami, it's muscles!! That's why I immediately think of the muscleman Superman, and we had a meeting over this photoshoot [concept] (LOL).

Maiti: What!? Is my image really like that? I thought (LOL).

Seocchi: No, when we first met, you were skinny!! Then after the summer of being a primary course student (yokasei), I was so shocked (LOL).

Maiti: Right, right, when I came back my uniform seems stiff [from the muscles] (LOL).

Seocchi: I thought, what did Minami do in the summer!!!!! I remember everyone being crazy over it (LOL). That image is too strong, you definitely need to be Superman this time!

Maiti: But, this costume seems too buff (LOL). This is too exaggerated!! Look at the texture of these muscles (LOL)!!!!

Seocchi: How do you feel actually wearing it?

Maiti: No, but it seems easy to turn on the switch to get into character with this kind of costume (LOL).

Seocchi: (LOL). That's great!!

Maiti: Like that "I'm a hero!" kind of vibe. (LOL)

Seocchi: If you feel good about it, you should wear this under your rehearsal clothes next time, and when something happens, you can remove those clothes to reveal yourself as Superman!! Then it would be great!! (LOL)

Maiti: I got it!! If that's necessary, I'll give Seocchi (Seo) a call! Believe in me!!

Both: (exploding in laughter).

JUNE – Seo Yuria X Misaki Rion

This month we have our princess from Cosmos Troupe 💕 Let'Sewatch at Misaki Rion (Mirion)~ 👀

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: We decided easily this time.

Mirion: Yes, yes, I asked Seocchi "Can I be a nurse?"

Seocchi: Surely, I also wish to see how Kumi-chan (Misaki) is as a nurse (LOL).

Mirion: Since I was young', I've admired nurse so I thought, "Nurses are good!!" and decided on the theme quickly.

Seocchi: How does it feel? To be a nurse.

Mirion: I'm very satisfied because it feels my wish is fulfilled! Holding onto the syringe, I felt it was fun to feel how it is for a nurse (LOL). (I also enjoyed seeing Kumi-chan's look as a nurse!!)

Seocchi: I'm also excited because I want to play as a doctor!!!!

Mirion: You seem to really like the stethoscope (LOL).

Seocchi: Yes (LOL). This feels like "The Dangerous Love of the Doctor and the Nurse" (LOL). I hope everyone could feel happy seeing this photo and imagining various situations!

JULY – Seo Yuria X Kizuki Yuuma

This month, let'Sewatch at the mysterious Mayupon, or Kizuki Yuuma of Moon Troupe, who is so inclusive and gentle towards others~✨

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: This time, I hope it'd be great to do a concept of boys' friendship that I could do only with Myaupon.

Mayupon: Right!! We talked about, let's make this look manly as possible!

Seocchi: So, we told the edtors we wanted to do something like [the movie] "Umizaru", and we didn't think we'd have these costumes handmade!!

Both: Thank you so much!!!!!!

Seocchi: How does it feel wearing these?

Mayupon: Yes, this is so fun ♪ Of course, we wear various kinds of costumes on stage, but this feels totally different!!!

Seocchi: That's right. This feel like "Real Men's" kind of feeling (LOL)! And with that, we'd be happy if this lets everyone realise Mayupon's new charms!!

AUGUST – Seo Yuria X Hinami Fuu

This month, we have our princess from Star Troupe✨✨✨ Let'Sewatch the mysterious Fuu-chan, or Hinami Fuu!

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: We always talk about tropical countries ☼✨

Fuu-chan: Right! We never knew we would love tropical countries so much ✨

Seocchi: If there's a chance, I always thought I should go to the Sebu in Philippines with Fuu-chan and Matsuko (Renju Kouki) ☼

Fuu-chan: Right!!! My first overseas vacation was at Sebu, and it was really exciting✨✨✨

Seocchi: Every day would be so fun✨ So we decided to wear something we would in these tropical countries! How does the photoshoot feel for Fuu-chan?

Fuu-chan: Well, fun✨ Wearing the aloha shirts, holding on to the ukuleles immediately!!!

Seocchi: Yes✨✨ It's as if we could see the sun in front of us ☼

SEPTEMBER – Seo Yuria X Sakuragi Minato

This month, let'Sewatch the mysterious Zun-chan, or Sakuragi Minato of Cosmos Troupe, who always flashes the wonderful child smile ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Zun: About sommelier, it's just a Style we simply want to do!!!

Seocchi: No, no matter how we say it, this look great.

Zun: Yes (LOL). It's just black, so it may look plain~ Which is why we also used wine bottles and glasses.

Seocchi: I think this makes it look really stylish!!

Zun: I hope to wear this costume one day on stage.

Seocchi: It was fun to feel like a sommelier even for a short while~♫

OCTOBER – Seo Yuria X Asami Jun

This month, let'Sewatch the mysterious Asami Jun of Moon Troupe or Aasa✨✨ Truly from her name, she is beautiful from the morning~ (*Asa 朝 = morning; Mi 美 = beauty)

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: I asked you, what do we want to do?

Aasa: We thought about our similarities...

Both: We have a strong visual!!!!

Aasa: Then, we decided on doing [the manga series] "Thermae Romae" and on the day when we wore the costumes, and tried the first photo, and we chekced to find out??????????????

Both: We have a weak visual!!!! (LOL)

Aasa: This is an emergency situation 💦 She quickly came to the dressing room of Moon Troupe since we were performing (LOL).

Seocchi: Yes, I went to Aasa's makeup table and both of us desperately wanted to make up for it.

Aasa: We started putting more makeup! (LOL)

Seocchi: How did you feel wearing this?

Aasa: It feels comfortable and it makes me feel really good! As if, this was how I would be like in my past life (LOL).

Seocchi: You're not wrong! Have you worn this type of costume on stage before?

Aasa: Nope, this is my first time! Also it was fun to use different small props for the photoshoot✨

NOVEMBER – Seo Yuria X Hoshino Anri

This month let'Sewatch the mysterious Hoshino Anri of Snow Troupe, or Hiroko ❅

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: This time, both of us thought over quite a lot. Then Hiroko suggested, "Should we do baseball [concept]?"

Hiroko: Yes! If you turn on the television, you can see the rankings of Se Ring or Pa Ring, [Hiroshima Toyo] Carp and [Fukuoka] Softbank [Hawks] would be the top positions respectively, and they are baseball leagues of our hometown, so we wore their jerseys✨

Seocchi: Well, I believe when this [October] issue, Carp would definitely win by then!

Hiroko: Softbank too! Because they are so powerful!! If Carp wins, wouldn't that be since then 25 years since their last win?

Seocchi: Amazing! Hiroko knows so much! (LOL) When both teams win, let's celebrate together!

Both: Let's do this!!!

Seocchi: How does it feel wearing this uniform?

Hiroko: No, before wearing it I was already thrilled. I was even more excited to wear it! I was jumping around just thinking of it before Seocchi came! (LOL)

Seocchi: Ahaha (LOL). So cute.... 💦but I missed your moment💦

Hiroko: (LOL)

Seocchi: As expected, won't seeing these uniforms make your heart race? Because we've always seen these uniforms!!

Hiroko: Yes! We saw them before, and now we're wearing them ✨

Seocchi: The photoshoot was fun. But for our hats....

Hiroko: Instead of holding onto them, we were holding on the baseball bats instead (LOL).

Seocchi: Because we felt it would be awkward with our hands empty.

Hiroko: We're not used to that (LOL).

DECEMBER – Seo Yuria X Yuzuka Rei

This month we have Yuzuka Rei of Flower Troupe to grace the last edition✨ Let'Sewatch the mysterious Rei-chan 👀✨

~About the theme of our cosplay~

Seocchi: The costumes for today are really surreal! (LOL)

Rei: Really! When I wore it, this was more surreal than I imagined (LOL). It's Christmas when we talk about December, which is why we dressed up like that.

Seocchi: Right! I was thinking if I should do Santa or the reindeer, but she said, "But Santa Claus won't look as funny, right?" (LOL) As expected✨

Rei: (LOL). So we featured supporting characters! But I was surprised because I was surprised because I couldn't do many poses with these costumes (LOL).

Seocchi: Right! That's something we missed out💦 Because [trees and snowman] give off inanimate vibes (Iaughs).

Rei: Even if we act a lot into it, our faces...

Seocchi: Becomes emotionless (LOL).

Rei: It's rare that it was difficult to smile [in this costume] (LOL). Which by the way, I read this corner every month! But I thought, "She doesn't call me a lot....will this end without me...." (LOL).

Seocchi: Really.... (erupts into laughter). So you felt anxious over it, I'm sorry!

Rei: Nah, but this was great fun–♪

[notmeobsessedw60y-o-rockstars]

Sorry I didn't touch base yesterday. Fridays are busy.

That's actually fun that you make an Easter treat at Christmas though. Mix things up. Keeps life interesting. I will certainly look for them. I'm not a baker at all but I love eating desserts lol.

I watch a lot of live things too online. There are a couple of Temple things on YouTube from when they toured in 2016 and I watch them quite often. I'm so glad Jeff & Mike & Stone got to do that with Chris considering what was to come. You can tell how much those guys all loved and respected each other and I think that's why I love that record so much. It was made for a sad reason but it must have been quite cathartic. What's your fav Temple song? I love you Angel of Fire. It's so beautiful. Audioslave is great too. You could tell Chris was having fun and just wanted to be creative with different people.

Snow is not my favorite thing no lol. I mean it's pretty at times and where I live genuinely looks like a Christmas card for months but it's horrible for driving in and I get nervous. Though I do enjoy snow shoeing with my bff when the snow is down and it's safe to do so.

Oh my! Yes Fourth of July is amazing! I can only imagine how intense that song was to see live. As for my fav?! That's a hard one. That's a 3 way tie between 4th/Spoonman/Fell on Black Days. But there's not a bad song on the album truthfully.

I could definitely recommend some PJ songs. Some of my favs in their lesser known catalogue would be.. Fatal; Alone; Hard to Imagine; Wash; Footsteps. That's just to name a few lol. Funny story about Footsteps (that you may know as a Chris fan) but it's the same music as Times of Trouble. Chris and Eddie both took Stones music and wrote 2 different but both fantastic songs. I love that. Of the two Footsteps is my fav.

Oh I don't think I've heard that Christmas song? I'll have to check it out. There's so many good ones. It's a tradition in my family to listen to the Boney M Christmas album. It's so good and always puts me in the spirit. I like the classics. Little Drummer Boy. I adore the version that Bing Crosby and David Bowie have that combines LDB and Peace on Earth. It's so beautiful. One of my non fav non traditional Christmas songs that most probably don't think of as a Christmas song is Fairytale of New York by the Pogues.

You said you'd like to have snow. Why is that? What activities would you like to do snow wise?

its alright, I was pretty busy too 😭

Omg yes angel of fire is so pretty! But I've gotta say that Say Hello 2 Heaven (though maybe kinda "basic" 😭) has to be my favorite. That song is the kind of song that just feels like an album closer even if it's not, like the adults are talking by the strokes and tighter & tighter by sg. Do you have any songs you feel are like album closers/openers? Honestly I like thinking about how I'd order an album differently from how it actually is.

What're your favorite live shows? Mine have got to be Ratm at Pinkpop '93, which is the most well known one but it's just legitimately SO GOOD. Like FISTFUL OF STEEL IN THAT SHOW is probably my favorite performance of any song ever :0. And my other fav is probably Sg live 1989 at Rhino records, because I find it to be a really good unfiltered look at the band in their earlier years.

I'll have to listen to those PJ songs sometime! Actually I didn't know that about Footsteps but by listening to the first bit I could tell. That's actually pretty interesting!

I'd like to have snow mostly because I don't even really remember what it's like to play in thick snow 😭 I'd just like to do those typical snow activities that I've never done since toddlerhood, like snow angels, sledding, maybe even snowball fights. I guess it's a way to connect with where I came from. Maybe if where I lived did get more snow I'd dislike it too lol

[kukuandkookie]

I’d usually leave my commentary in the tags but I genuinely actually really dislike these guys. They definitely contributed to my internalized sinophobia growing up and I hate that they’re so babied by others despite being a cult, simply because people believe anything condemned by China must be a victim.

They’re surprisingly active here in Canada, where their members are often portrayed as refugees, and that’s how they’ve sort of minutely affected my life.

Growing up as a Canadian-born Chinese, I didn’t have a lot of sources on China, so when I finally discovered a channel like China Uncensored in ~2016, I got really excited. But then I started noticing the sinophobia in his videos and in the comment sections, and it made me feel pretty awful about being Chinese. I’d always known the government was “bad” because of things I’ve been told growing up (eg communism is bad so the Chinese government is bad; China is kind of backwards and dirty; the government can brainwash people; the government censors things; etc etc) but having to internalize others’ outright sinophobia while getting sinophobic information from a channel I’d hoped would provide an actually uncensored and thus unbiased look into China… Yeah. It stung.

Fortunately sinophobia was something I did want to fight (especially when it was the basic stuff like “Chinese people are gross and eat dogs”), so I soon distanced myself from stuff like China Uncensored, but it could have affected me so much worse if I let it. I’m glad I didn’t become one of those self-hating Asians.

And sure enough, it wasn’t until way, way later that I learned he’s likely funded by the Falun Gong.

It is frustrating things like this are done underhandedly and sneakily even though they definitely have a clear agenda, as seen by the Shen Yun performances becoming basically religious sermons halfway through. I’ve never been to one myself, but I’ve heard the stories.

I also hate that because of the advertising and vagueness about their religious beliefs, I did want to go to one of those shows as a kid that was pretty starved of Chinese culture. I really thought they could offer it, and I can’t imagine what could have happened if I actually got to go to one and got exposed to their rhetoric through a showy, fluffed up performance that disguises the agenda behind it.

Thankfully the desire was never strong enough for me to ask my (more grounded in Chinese culture) parents to take me, but if it was, I can’t even be sure they’d realize Shen Yun’s connections to the Falun Gong, or at least they may not have realized it back then, because yes the religiousness of it is overt, but the Falun Gong part isn’t as overt. And even if my parents did realize back then Shen Yun was a Falun Gong thing, I myself could still buy into it as an impressionable kid, and I hate that cults do work by preying on people’s desires and vulnerabilities (eg there’s little chance my mom would believe in the Falun Gong, but she has grown more and more religious over the years to the point of some non-scientific beliefs, and she’s fallen prey to a few MLMs. And as something that works the same way, there will always be people falling for the Falun Gong’s propaganda, especially since it’s quite difficult to find anything that will openly admit it does propaganda).

My brother actually lived in a house with a Falun Gong believer when he went to undergrad, and the man would talk about how historically Chinese people could fly and do some sort of magic (basically the kind of stuff you see in wuxia films). It certainly sounds ridiculous, but the fact that people can be susceptible to this kind of thing shows why China does have a stricter eye on the promotion of “superstitious beliefs.”

I’ve gotten Falun Gong Shen Yun ads attached to my door and seen them around in places like Chinatown, but thankfully I hardly run into an actual practitioner. In some ways this is just as frustrating though, because they’re clearly trying to affect lives in more underhanded ways than the more easily dismissed methods of “do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ?” of Jehovah’s witnesses and other missionaries.

For example, even when people are aware they’re a cult with some pretty extremist views, the rumours about organ harvesting get them to extend sympathy toward the Falun Gong, as seen in illuminaughty’s video. I actually personally don’t watch their content because of some of their views on China that I disagree with, and some of that commonly-accepted anti-China rhetoric does seem to bleed through into even a video that’s meant to “expose” the Falun Gong. I’m thus glad to see people (OP and those in the comments/notes) mention that their videos can be kind of surface-level.

One of the things I hate the most about the Falun Gong though is indeed The Epoch Times. Sure it gets to claim itself as a “news” organization, but it doesn’t have to claim it’s affiliated with the Falun Gong, and in reality it’s really more so just outright media propaganda. It’s all far-right bullshit too, and the absolute sinophobia dripping from the pages drives me up the wall.

We got one at our door at the height of the pandemic, spewing all the usual rhetoric about how China unleashed the virus on purpose from a lab to destroy the west and blah blah blah. It was easy for my family and I to roll our eyes at it and throw it out, but I just know they left one at the doors of all my neighbours, and I hate thinking of the effect that could have on them.

Like I do think it’s pretty obvious that The Epoch Times is propaganda at first glance, but anyone is susceptible to propaganda. I feel like this is only exacerbated by the ease with which it is to view the Falun Gong as pure-hearted victims of religious persecution, especially when their connections to things like The Epoch Times aren’t obvious.

The Falun Gong’s beliefs are far-right and from what I know pretty nasty, such as promoting homogeneity and homophobia and various harmful/backwards/non-scientific practices and so on, yet their extremism barely registers on the larger scale. Just recently, Canada promoted an animated documentary about “refugee” Falun Gong practitioners at a film festival. I found it while looking for experimental animated documentaries I could use for one of my Film Studies classes’ projects, and as much as I want to be open-minded and include a variety of documentaries in my project, I could not bring myself to draw any attention toward that film.

It really painted the Falun Gong as hapless and innocent, reducing their beliefs to practices that were portrayed as soothing tai-chi. And tai-chi is still a thing in China!! That’s not why the Falun Gong are condemned, but the film would have you think otherwise, and it made me really uncomfortable. Even beyond the fact I wouldn’t want to draw my professor or classmates’ attention to it, I also realize I could not in good faith write an unbiased summary of its relevance to my project, so I completely ignored it despite hoping to find some sort of animated documentary on China to include in my project (I ended up going with a short from Yao—Chinese Folktales. It’s not an animated documentary per se, but it was presented as one and its vagueness worked for my project).

Anyway, I rambled a whole bunch, but basically, these guys really really frustrate me because it’s easy for people here in the west to buy into their beliefs because the Chinese government only ever does “evil,” so banning them must have been another “evil CCP thing.” Honestly I feel like they can be considered a huge contributor to the recent rise in sinophobia—among many other factors of course—and that makes it all even more grating, especially since the west is more lenient with the Falun Gong because of this (since they can be a useful political tool). Plus this way the west can portray themselves as not entirely sinophobic because they support these specific Chinese people [who practice the Falun Gong]. It’s just all so sinophobic and gets all tangled and political and frustrating. 😔

I fell into the Shen Yun/Fa Lun Gong trap and am so mad at myself for that. Scale me on stupidity and warn your followers, they gotta hear it.

I would not call victims of cults stupid so therefore be free of the scale!! Reasonable and intelligent people are still susceptible to falling into cults, falling for scams, MLMs, etc. If you do not know much about anything related to Falun Gong's beliefs or the stories they tell (cough make up coughcough) through Shen Yun, then it is easy to get reeled in.

It doesn't help that a lot of the English language info that pops up when you Google Falun Gong/Shen Yun is positive, to the point that even the Falun Gong Wikipedia page paints them as a mostly innocuous spiritual group persecuted by the Evil CCP. They really like to play up this angle, by the way, and sadly for many people in the west, they hear the part where they're forbidden by the CPC and think that automatically means Falun Gong is good and everything they say must be true.

Anyway.

Here are some pieces for others to look at if you're interested and haven't seen them yet:

Video sources

if you're an audio/visual person.

Personally I think the papers/articles are more informative and less annoying (The second video is a video essay whose creators I can only describe as "probably spend a lot of time on liberal Twitter" and "clearly learned everything they know about China from Reddit")

^2020 release date (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlMQyM8p74) ↳ Includes interviews of both Falun Gong and former Falun Gong figures. If you're like me, the condescending Englishman POV will make you roll your eyes at least once.

^2021 release date (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlMQyM8p74) ↳ sort of gives an overview about Falun Gong from an outsider POV, but the narrator uncritically repeats some of the persecution claims made by Falun Gong (esp. the organ harvesting claims, which are most likely not true imo), and by Amnesty International...via Falun Gong advocates. I honestly wouldn't bother to link this video as a source except it seems like one of the bigger ones that show up in a Youtube search, and they do touch on a lot of sources. Their research just seems really shallow and their commentary on the issue is rudimentary to the point of being unnecessary tbh.

Papers/Articles

ExposingTheFalunGong.org (via wayback machine), a website created by the child of former members ↳ This site includes more description of actual belief, which might better inform you on why they are/can be harmful

Stepping Into the Uncanny, Unsettling World of Shen Yun (The New Yorker, 2019)

The Obscure Newspaper Fueling the Far-Right in Europe (The New Republic, 2019) ↳ This is mostly about The Epoch Times, which is a Falun Gong funded newspaper and mouthpiece.

A Burning Faith in the Master: Interpreting the 1.23 Incident (paper hosted by JSTOR, 2018) (Google Drive link if you're out of JSTOR articles this month) ↳ The 1/23 Incident was an incident where multiple Falun Gong practitioners interpreted words by Li Hongzhi (FLG's founder) to mean they should self-immolate at Tiananmen Square

[viktoriakomova]

And for the record, Riley's parents (mom, mostly, it sounds like) absolutely share responsibility. I acknowledge that the whole dynamic between parents of elite athletes and coaches is nuanced and complicated, especially by the fact that you're triangulating with the wants and needs of what are typically very ambitious and talented children, but this goes beyond the average elite gymnast mom stuff.

What we're hearing about Riley's case specifically goes way beyond the [already kind of distorted and fucked up priorities, imho] "pull my kid out of middle school so they can train for 30+ hrs a week and drive them to a gym at 6am 5x a week and pay huge sums of money for the privilege" shit. Even beyond turning a blind eye to regular injuries and writing it off as something that just comes with the territory of elite gymnastics.

Laurie was already gone from MG elite by the end of 2016, and it wasn't a secret that she left on bad terms with Maggie. Nor were any of the stories we've heard about Maggie's behavior during training. (Riley's mother was reportedly in regular attendance at the gym during training hours and she would have known about these things, if not seeing them herself then definitely hearing about it later that day.) Jazzy got the fuck out of there as fast as she could after her 2016 elite season was over. She literally speed-ran the rest of her bullshit online high school to go to Florida an entire year early, without even telling Maggie that was her plan lol. Maggie was the last to know. I wonder why...

And most chillingly of all, Emily Liszewski's injury (the one who hit her head on concrete after balking on a skill on bars that Maggie and Victoria Levine refused to spot her on and had a seizure while they laughed and mocked her) happened very early in Riley's tenure at MG Elite. that was in early 2016. It had been less than a year since she started there. And the cherry on top is that before the McCuskers relocated to New Jersey, Riley boarded with Emily's family. Their own kid lived with this girl and her family. They weren't strangers.

RILEY WAS STILL A JUNIOR ELITE FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE. NONE OF THIS WAS NEW INFORMATION FOR HER PARENTS.

Not just that, they watched as their own kid developed an eating disorder and osteopenia, fractured several bones (including her fucking PELVIS which is not easy to break) and had a few severe muscle and joint injuries too. that was even before the "rhabdo." And riley stayed at that gym for 6 more months after THAT.

AND THE INCIDENT AT THE WORLD CUP HAPPENED A FULL 18 MONTHS PRIOR TO LEAVING. (maybe closer to 2 years actually)

everyone in this goddamn shitshow is an asshole except for the teenage girl in the middle of all of it. was fucking NOBODY in this child's life looking out for her wellbeing as a person and not her gymnastics career?

and re: my point in my last post about trust and honesty, I would be 0% shocked if we were to find out that the calorie counts/food logs are in fact much lower than Riley (and by extension, her mother, based on things I've heard) reported to doctors/PTs/Maggie etc. Especially if you take macronutrient restriction and the timing of meals/food consumption into account and dont JUST look at the caloric intake.

[iheartchv]

I posted 1,185 times in 2022

109 posts created (9%)

1,076 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@thelaundrybitch

@turtle-babe83

@leosgirl82

@angelicdavinci

@turtlesmakemehappy

I tagged 501 of my posts in 2022

#tmnt - 129 posts

#teenage mutant ninja turtles - 90 posts

#reblog - 79 posts

#lemon - 76 posts

#tmnt bayverse - 74 posts

#smut - 72 posts

#tmnt 2016 - 71 posts

#tmnt 2014 - 69 posts

#ask - 50 posts

#ref - 50 posts

Longest Tag: 84 characters

#because lets be honest there'd be no way i could actually choose one of them to date

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

See the full post

115 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

#4

🍬 No Strings Attached 🍬 pt. 1?

For @turtle-babe83 s Trick or Kink event. I wanted to do something... special...😈 Hopefully this will give y'all some delicious thoughts of my bayverse AU Dark Turtles (I also tried to keep them short b/c i dont remember the limit for words/pics in posts) I might write a part 2 to give this story an ending, if I find time 🤭

18+ only... reader is female ( female parts mentioned )

October isnt just a month of Halloween or all things spooky... its also the mating season for turtles... of ANY kind ...😈🐢💙❤💜🧡

A/N: this can be taken as whether you already do/dont know about the mating season, but Don researched and told his brothers about it after going a year through it already. They also aren't wearing their gear/nothing heavy and hard to maneuver. Their lair is below the abandoned warehouse by the docks ( New York Bay ), built by Don.

One random day in October, you decided to make some eats for the clone boys. Not only because it was nice and you were friends with them for a few years, but because you wanted to spend some alone time with your crush ( Lee/Raph/Don/Mike). You two have a 'no strings attached' agreement going on, and that was fine with him. You were fine with it, too, since you didn't have sights on anyone but it was hard to not feel guilty for using him like that... You've had sex a time or two, and while it was nice you wanted something more

Mike x Reader

"Mike?"

It was strange to not be greeted by the giant yellow turtle. He would usually say 'hey' with glee and pick you up, twirling around with you in his arms like a ragdoll. Not today, though. Where was everyone?

You silently wandered the dark turtle hideout, listening and looking for any sign of the clones. You thought you heard something above you. You went up the steel stairs that led to the top floor of the abandoned warehouse. What you saw made your heart skip a beat (and almost dropping the food).

Mike was sprawled out on the ground, making noises like he was in pain. His eyes were closed. And his hand pumped his schlongness. The size make your eyes bug out. Heat flushed your cheeks and all the way to your ears. Seeing him do this sent lightning straight to your core. Yeah, it was true you had a crush on him and you both weren't officially dating yet, but it felt awkward and weird; heavy touching and kissing was all that was between you and him.

Suddenly his eyes opened, his usual bright blue eyes was an amber color, dimmed and glossy... and dilated. His nostrils were flared and he was breathing heavily. He sat up, ingnoring his ginormous hard on.

"Y/N! W-what are you...?"

"I'm sorry I disturbed you. I'll just-" you quickly stuttered as you sat the bag down and turned around to head back downstairs. You were then wrapped around your waist by his long tongue, pulling you toward him. "Mike, let me go!"

His three clawed hand grabbed your hip, holding you there. "No can do, babes. You're not getting away... Besides, I know you liked it." He smiled a toothy grin. "I can smell you... and you smell so delicious... I've always wondered what you taste like."

He licked his lips. You shivered and squeezed your thighs to try to ease the ache. He took your mouth with his, kissing you like usual. His growls vibrated through your body, making you moan into him.

In a flash you had your bottoms torn off, your legs spread, and Mike's long tongue slithered inside you. Your aching walls clenched around it as he slid in and out, brushing against all your sensitive spots. The tip of his tongue brushed your cervix because he was so deep. His mouth encircled your mound, groaning as your essence trickled down his tongue.

"Mmmmm~ Mmmmike~~" You wanted to tell him to stop for a minute but it felt too good. Moans and whimpers were all that you could let out. Your body wriggled and moved, wanting to buck your hips and grind into Mike's mouth. You could tell that your climax was going to be mindblowing.

"Mike!~~~"

"Yeah, scream for me, y/n. You look so cute when you scream my name. Keep going, baby."

Sure enough your body exploded, your throat letting out the loudest and high pitched cry you ever made. The orgasm was so glorious you swore you had died and went to heaven. You breathed in shaky breaths trying to calm yourself.

"God, babes, you taste so sweet... and creamy..." His voice lowered into a purr as he lavished in your scent. He couldn't deny the throbbing tightness of his cock anymore, he had to be in you now. "I hope you're ready for round 2 ... or 3, because I'm not gonna stop until all your insides are painted white."

Let's just say that you weren't going to feel like walking for a week....

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Don x Reader

"I got food." Silence. "Don? Anyone?"

Anyone not running for food was weird. But what was weirder was recieving a message from Don saying that you shouldn't come over for at least 1 week. You sat down food for the other 3 while you carried some for Don. There were times when he didn't come out of lab that someone had to drag him out to just eat. This might as well be one of those times.

You opened the steel door that led down to a basement. Softly you tread the steps, listening for any signs of life. You then heard a faint groan. Did he hurt himself?

"Don! Are you-"

You couldn't finish your sentence. Your mouth hung open at the sight of the tall purple turtles body frame leaning against a wall while his hand pumped his boner. The moans that echoed bounced back to you vibrated your body and sent tingles to your core. Heat crept up to your cheek and ears, and you could've swore that he heard your heart pounding in your chest.

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141 notes - Posted October 19, 2022

#3

Hello! How're you doing? 🥰 I've got an idea: Their S/O can draw very well, and the boys didn't know about that. How would the boys react if they find their S/O's notebook and see her/his art, including a drawing of them?

Thank you 💜

Im okay ^^ hope everythings been alright for you as well, and hope this is alright♡♡♡

Leo:

He sees your notebook sitting on the couch

But he doesnt remember seeing you come in or leave

He figured you left it accidently

Hes wondered what made you smile whenever he seen your pencil move across the paper

Plenty of times when he was in the dojo training/improving a technique, he saw you sitting with the book in your lap

He knew he shouldnt without your permission (whether youd let him or not), but he wanted to see what artwork his angel has done

Opening the cover he finds sketches of people, Japanese inspired designs, and stops when he sees himself

The way you payed attention to the details of his muscles, scars, the design, dips and curves of his shell was impressive

It looked like he was looking at a black and white picture of himself

A smile spread on his face and warmth spread through his body

"Youre so talented, my love"

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168 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

#2

I just noticed that your requests are marked as open, so I thought I would send one in 🥰

Could I please ask for a one-shot with Bay Raph and female reader? Could be fluff or even a little NSFW if it’s appropriate. Something along the lines of the best friends to lovers trope. However you want to do it, I know it’ll be wonderful! ♥️😘

Sure, lets see if I can make this sweet and spicy 😏😁 hope this is alright

STRAWBERRY KISSES:

BAY RAPH x F!READER

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181 notes - Posted May 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

How would the guys react to there son or daughter getting into the weapons they are not supposed to touch because they want to be just like daddy ?

Awww~~♡♡♡ well lets see...

LEO:💙

He was going to scold them, but how could he stay mad at them when they just pull at his heart like that?

Hes reminded of how Splinter was like with him and his brothers; they got in trouble for a short time but then soon started training

He smiled at them and then held them in his arms

"Youre not ready, not just yet."

"When, daddy?"

"Very soon, my little one."

Hed kiss their forehead and hug them

RAPH:❤

His heart clenched

Hed try not to cry, but turns away to hide his misty eyes

"Daddy? Are you okay?"

They didnt like it when their daddy acted like that

hed quickly wipe his eyes

"Yeah, I'm fine buddy/sweetheart"

He promises to help them train to better handle the weapons, giving them hugs to hide his watery eyes

Hes never been so proud of them

DONNIE:💜

His child wants to be like him?

His heart melted

He felt overjoyed and conflicted

He didnt want to scold them

Hed hug them and tell them he doesnt want them to get hurt

He will secretly invent their very own weapon to practice with under his supervision of course

"Practice makes perfect"

"Thanks, daddy, you're the best"

"You're welcome, my little star"

MIKEY:🧡

See the full post

249 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[a-mag-a-day]

MAG 13!

So in general, I found this episode a bit boring, just didn't speak to me. In the spooky sense I mean. I like the character and social aspects of this statement a lot. Also I like the lore that's involved.

First time we actually really know, where exactly in the timeline we're at - 13th of January, 2016.

The Lukas family managed to totally evade my attention during my first listen. Peter Lukas himself had to actually walk in on the podcast for me to finally puzzle together, that this might be relevant (this might also be because I accidentally skipped MAG 33 on my first listen, oops).

Jon sounds different there at the beginning. Not that fake deep posh voice, but still not soft as later on.

It's so funny to me how much influence there was in pushing Jon to take live statements. First Oliver's statement in MAG 11, which made him anxious to miss anything important or perhaps even life-saving (very Eye-aligned) and now Naomi, who doesn't want Jon to leave while she records her story, because she doesn't want to be alone (which is understandable, since she was targeted by the Lonely).

Ha… indeed. I read this in another a-mag-a-day post, we really do hear Naomi breathing.

"He used to tell me it wasn’t natural for people to live in isolation, that we were creatures of community by nature." - Speak for yourself! xD

I am 100% convinced that Evan didn't die of a congenital heart problem. I think this is a very popular theory. His creepy Lonely family wasn't happy that he didn't want to be lonely/his Patron wasn't happy, that he didn't want to be lonely, so his god fed on him. I wonder, if the Lukases maybe sensed, that this life wasn't for Evan and just waited for the right person to come around, to finally give Evan the rest and prey on the poor soul who got left behind.

"He said he wasn’t on good terms with them because they were very religious, and he never had been." - so yep, Evan didn't want anything to do with the Lonely.

"The house was full of people I didn’t know." - What a lonely place to be… For some I guess. Whenever I'm in a situation like this I feel very seen and all my senses scream for me to leave and get somewhere, where I'm alone.

"I’m sure you want to be alone.” - Hold on, so is actually wanting to be alone tasty for the Fear or not? Because it would make me feel better.

Ah yes, the fog of the Lonely. Big fan.

"Kneeling down, I was surprised to realise that the ground I was now standing on was not wet. The hard-packed earth was damp from the creeping mist but it did not appear to have been rained on." / "I realised afterwards that the night should have been far too dark to see the fog. There were no lights there to show it, and the moon had been shrouded in storm clouds all night, but despite this I could clearly see it." - She really crossed over into the Lonely there.

"Every grave was open and they were all empty. Even here among the dead, I was alone." - This is the only line I find spooky.

" I heard something. It was the strangest thing, but as I tried to run I could have sworn I heard Evan’s voice call to me. He said, “Turn left”. That’s it. That’s all he said." - THIS is what I find very interesting because this is the first time we see a sort of anchor to escape the grasp of an Entity. While I can't quite puzzle out Naomi hearing Evan - ghost of the deceased only seem to exist in the Slaughter or in form of a memory in the Catalogue of the Trapped Dead and not in like our traditional sense of a soul lingering because of unfinished business or whatever. I heard it is possible to suffer from auditory hallucinations in periods of heavy grief, so maybe this was it? We know from MAG 48 (or MAG 129) that thinking of a loved one is enough to anchor people. So thinking of Evan should have been enough to get her to escape the Lonely, and that's exactly what happened. And the earlier "The image of Evan’s family suddenly came into my mind, and I vowed to myself that they would not be the last human contact I ever had." even makes it seem, as if the Lukas family actually tried to influence Naomi to prevent her from thinking of Evan. Yeah, big fan of the anchors-are-always-loved-ones-and-not-objects theory.

"I’d say it was only real insofar as trauma can have a very real effect on the mind." - Jon trying to deny/reason with his Mr. Spider encounter again?

"Some time with a more… qualified care professional might also prove helpful." - I don't know why this is supposed to be so insulting? Nah, actually I do know, there still is a huge social stigma on mental health… Normalize going to therapy!

Thank you for sharing!

[raekahwritings]

BNHA Gods AU - Thanatos - Shindou Yo

GODS AU! - What kind of shitty god are you?

Pairing: Shindou You x Reader

Rating: Explicit, NSFW, Minors, DO NOT ENTER.

Warning: NSFW, Mentions of non-consent, slight blood/gore/murder,slight yandere.

Word Count: 2016

Authors Note: This was written in one night, I really wanted to make it in time for this collaboration despite everything going on right now. I hope you all can forgive me since this wasn’t proof read but hopefully you all can enjoy the Gods!AU Shindou!

GODS!AU Collaboration: Please check out the collab here from @lemonlordleah-shinzawa-kitten​

The age of gods was long over. They no longer walked this earth. No one worshipped them; they became the words of fiction and stories.

Let the gods guide you.

Live your life well and the gods may reward you.

Do not turn away from the path of good, lest the gods punish you.

Where were the gods when you needed them? When your mother had dressed you up as a pretty doll, when you smiled and jumped in the excitement of a new dress, and when she had shown you to a portly older gentleman. He took you, none-too-gently, and placed a bag of coins into your mother’s palm. She had left brusquely, curtly, and took care not to look you in the eyes.

How long had it been since then? Your childhood had gone by in the mess of yelling, screams, and scullery work. When you were old enough? You now lay on the floor with your clothing strewn apart, dried tears on your face and a voice hoarse from screaming.

This was a life where no gods deigned to visit—this was a place of vileness, sordidness, and loathsome men. You were nothing more than a commodity to them—they had no qualms about leaving you on this dirty floor.

God, you had prayed so many times. Save me.

You’d been delivered to them, lent like broken toy until they called the brothel master to fetch you.

You had been defiled too many times to believe that any God would help you now.

Where were you? What had they consecrated this time? They had laughed and they had jeered while you had cringed at the blasphemy they spewed. They had taken their belts to mark you, left you bleeding, and then poured acridly old liquid, “—better hope this fucking holy water works.”

“They would laugh at this.” You blinked away the tears, blinked to see the dormant idolatry of Thanatos nearby. You scrabbled at the ground, trying to find a perch to lay your hands on so you could get up. You winced at seeing the dried blood and spilt fluids. If there was a moment for Thanatos to judge you, this would be now.  

But would he?

Gods had come and gone, with nary a care. You tried to stand, tried to ignore the mess they had made, and you glared at the idolatry. “You didn’t stop this.” You pointed to the empty room – “You’re supposed to be some merciless, hateful god of death.” You scoffed, knowing it was pathetic. Here you were, reaching a level of desperation to talk to some useless piece of stone and an empty room like it would answer you. But all the resentment, anger, and bitterness spewed out – here and now— you hissing, “You’re a fucking piece of shit god.”

And yet.

“If my life was enough of a price, would you come here and now? Or am I too dirty for someone like you? You want a precious little girl, an innocent naïve little sheep?” You furiously took the idol, glaring before slamming it as hard as you could to the floor. Take that, you fucker.

You watched the idol shatter into pieces, the useless stone rolling away. You should fear your own blasphemy and yet… satisfaction had you feeling smug.

“My, my, that doesn’t seem very nice.”

Holy fuck. You whipped around—the room was empty. When had someone come in? You nearly screamed at the mysterious voice, your arms reaching out to blindly shove at the culprit while you stumbled backwards.

A masculine hand caught your arm, tsking at you and he emerged from the shadows with a disappointed look. You nearly fell backwards but his iron clasp had you standing upright.

“Who are you?” Shock and fear colored your tone, the smugness was fleeting as you look to the door, a door that hadn’t budged since the scraggle of men had left earlier. How did he get in? You looked at him, swallowing nervously, your gaze flitting up and down to make out this stranger in the darkness.

“You called me and yet, you still ask me?” He stepped further into the firelight… You looked up at this dizzyingly tall man, you could make out the messy, dark locks framing his chiseled face. But more so, you found yourself staring into eyes the color of pure jade. He was far too handsome, his features bold and brooding, the stubble on his face giving him a heathenish look. He was broad and lean, the muscles of his arms and chest visible through his disheveled shirt.

Someone who made you stop breathing.

“No.” You breathed— “You’re lying.” You called no one, he was here to take you back to the brothel, you tried to wrench your hand pathetically away. He couldn’t fool you, no matter how handsome he was.

“Calm down.” He pulled you into his chest, you were the one falling forward as he stopped your mewling struggles. You heard those words countless times; it had always preceded the acrid smell of chloroform…

“I don’t want to go back.” You choked out, letting your wrists fall slack. “I don’t want this.”

His voice lilted up, questioning. “Go back where?” You could almost believe the sincerity in his voice, the confusion, the perplexity of the situation. But people loved playing with you, toying with you in these games— men liked playing with women as if it were a game of cat and mouse. You curled your fingers into your palms, once again trying to suppress any kindle of hope—because you inevitably always were sold back.

Meanwhile, Thanatos, the god you had summoned with your blood, piety, and holy water—looked heavenwards in frustration. “Girl, speak your name.” He commanded—you answered obediently.

How? You didn’t mean to answer him.

“I am Thanatos. Now speak plainly. I’ve heard your desperate cry for help, for vengeance.” He leaned back against the stone table, tugging you into his lap. “Now can we dispense with the formalities? I’d much rather you call me Shindou instead.” You found yourself caged in—your chest against his bare one as he gestured for you to look up. “You summoned  me. And while I normally ignore mortals…” He let his hand fall loosely to your back—you stiffened, squirming—as his calloused fingers brushed against the filth on your skin, the torn scraps of fabric that hid nothing from his gaze.

“I was personally interested in this offering of yours.” You stilled. There had been no one in the room with you to hear your vitriol words—but this was the temple of Thanatos. Could it be?  “Oh. You don’t believe me?” You looked doubtful. Well he couldn’t blame you. His lips curved, expecting this reaction. He waved a hand in the air, letting the firelights flicker to black and purple flames, letting it dance across the room hauntingly for you. You watched transfixed. “But parlor tricks? A dime a dozen.” He said dismissively. He tapped the table, a prompt for the shadows around you to contort menacingly and snaking up your legs.

You jumped more into his arms, away from the strangely prying and invasive shadows as it crawled disturbingly high up your body.

“Girl, they’re simply an extension of me.” You could hear the humor in his tone, see the shadows snake away as he chuckled at your close contact with him. “But I suppose I can be nice for a bit.” He let the darkness recede and the orange firelight to flicker back.

“Now that’s settled, may I discuss your price?” You… took a moment to blink, to really focus on him. Something about him, the closer you were, was making your senses hazy. He seemed to realize, crooning gently to you. “Oh baby, I know gods are supposed to be tempting to mortals and all that but where’s the little spitfire that threw a little tantrum at me? I quite enjoyed it.”

The haze dissipated a bit. You… had thrown down the idolatry, you had committed blasphemy in the actual face of a god. You wanted to die, the shame overwhelming you. Thanatos—no, Shindou simply laughed though—“Baby, don’t think of me as one of the pious assholes. I don’t need you to prostrate yourself to me and those hopeless,” he waved at the ostentatious ornaments adorning the room, “piece of shit, ugly crap of me. I’m a lot more handsome in person, don’t you think?” You couldn’t disagree.

This kind of man—God, you corrected yourself—exuded charisma, aura, sexuality that vibrated with your own being. Like you were made for him, your body melted against his light touch.

“Demon got your tongue? I can fix that.” Shindou cradled the side of your face, leaning in to press a kiss. You gasped, giving him an opportunity for his tongue invade your mouth—ravishing and giving you no air to breathe. He reached down to anchor your hips against his, drawing you more into his lap and letting his hardness press into your dampened, slickened ache between your thighs.

But you were dirty and filthy. You pushed him, and he let you, you knew his strength far outstripped yours. “I can’t.” You shook your head. “You must’ve seen what happened…” It wasn’t just one disgusting man, it was many who had left you sticky and ruined with their fluids on your unwilling body.

Even now.

“Seriously? Shindou sighed. He tutted at you like a child—which as a mortal, you must’ve been. “I came all this way out for your offering, for this delectable and luscious body and you dare to impugn me with your sense of shame?” He cocked his head. “Like I didn’t know? All those men…” He parted your legs, let the sticky fluid drip. “All those men, and they didn’t break your spirit. You come to me, fiery and burning with revenge, and I answered your call. What could be more attractive than this?” Albeit… Shindou did frown. “I don’t care for those worms to mark what’s mine. I guess they all have to die, wont they?”

Your eyes widened… your words caught. You wanted to protest—the mocking feeling of horror should’ve come at the thought of such senseless murder and death…. But you could only feel the sense of relish, of pure desire to see the blood of your captors. You bit your lips, futilely trying to hide your anticipation and eagerness.

“Ah, that’s my girl. I knew you and I would get along.” Shindou pulled down the rags of your dress,  watched your nubile body pull close to his and you shivered—his hardness grinded against you—a god like this wanted you. You could hardly believe it. You whimpered as he bit down your throat, bit at the junction of your shoulders while you bled. He licked the bloody trail down your ample breasts, swirling his hot tongue around the hardened peaks and making you arch in muted pleasure.

“Oh no, you can’t stay quiet.” He let the shadowy tendrils return, let it wrap around your throat and craning your neck backwards. His hands traced over your slickened breasts, pinching, pulling, vibrating as you screamed in pleasure and pain. “Sounds quite nice.” He mused, condescendingly. His hands eventually travelled to your taut thighs, teasing the inside of them, and drawing them further apart.  His fingers brushed against the dirty cum—he didn’t care for it but he supposed he’d just have to fuck you enough so you’d be dripping with his own cum—all the more reason to cleanse this lustful, vengeful darling of a human.

He had waited for someone like you. Other gods deigned to have their innocent little virgins on their sacrificial alter.

He wanted a tainted, corrupted human whose lust rivalled their desire for revenge—a human he could turn into his little fuck toy of a god, one who would stand by his side as he ruled over mayhem, murder, and death. Preferably, begging for his cock and drunk on cum – not a bad start, he mused. Not a bad start.

[wherethingscomebackx]

Top 25 Larry Fics of 2020

h 2020 was HELLISH. So thank you to all the writers, and I mean ALL of them, who kept us occupied as the world continues to burn.

You may be familiar with these lists:

Top 25 Larry fics of 2016

Top 25 Larry fics of 2017

Top 25 Larry fics of 2018

Top 25 Larry fics of 2019

We’re going on our 5th year!!  As always, I read a lot of fic and the majority of it is Larry. I like making lists and I like Larry so I thought I’d do some minimal research of the top 25 larry fics published/completed in 2020 in order of least to most kudos (with links). All of these fics are top notch so you should all check them out!

25.) a trail of honey through it all by @yvesaintlourent (27k)

The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

24.) even the best laid plans by @falsegoodnight (25k)

“Anyways,” Louis stresses, narrowing his eyes, “just let me say it and then rate how terrible of an idea it is on a scale from one to ten.”

“Alright,” Zayn agrees, sitting up expectantly.

“I want to ask Harry Styles to take my virginity,” Louis blurts, holding his hands out for emphasis.

The way Zayn’s eyes bulge is almost comical. “Negative infinity,” he says, voice choked. “Negative infinity times negative infinity.”

“Technically, a negative times a negative is -”

“Really negative infinity,” Zayn corrects himself, shaking his head wildly. “Louis, what the fuck?”

-

Or, Louis wants to have sex with someone and decides Harry is the perfect alpha for the job.

23.) A Distant Hazy Light by @greenfeelings (76k)

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

22.) Ghost Note Symphony by whoknows (96k)

Louis is on tour when he first hears about it. It’s all over the news – Harry Styles Attacked By Fan runs in headlines for days. It’s not even just the gossip rags, either. Actual journalists are covering the story. It would have been impossible to avoid hearing about it. Technically, Oli is the one who tells Louis about it, but it’s not exactly being covered up. Harry doesn’t answer Louis’ text asking if he’s alright, but that’s not really surprising. They haven’t spoken for months, and it’s been a lot longer than that since they’ve had a real conversation. The sting of the text going unanswered is still there, less painful than it might have been a few years ago.

It’s not that it’s easy to forget about, exactly. Louis has a whole life outside of One Direction now, though. So Louis goes on with his life, figuring that if Harry was seriously hurt he would have heard about it by now. He might currently be in the same country as Harry, but being on opposite sides of it puts enough distance between them that putting it in the back of his mind is easy. There’s nothing Louis could do, even if he thought Harry might want him to.

That’s why everything that happens next comes as a complete shock to him.

21.) Until by @allwaswell16 (38k)

Rural Eagle County, Colorado wasn’t the type of place to find a famous musician or actor. At least not until songwriter Louis Tomlinson showed up with pop star Niall Horan to visit his uncle’s horse ranch, and they just happened to find themselves next door to a reclusive former movie star.

20.) Strangers in Love by sweetums (42k)

Louis wakes up to find himself in a marriage with the last man he thought he'd ever end up with.

-

Prompt 51: An amnesia fic where louis and harry were enemies to lovers but after an accident, louis only remembers those memories that him and harry hated each other. now harry has to fix it. I think something like this less dark and less angsty compared to other amnesia fics and it could be funny

19.) A Long Way From The Playground by Pink_Sunsets (170k)

One Direction is broken up. They broke up five years ago. That should be the end of the story, right?

Harry is finished with One Direction. He now has a new life, one with two kids and a successful solo career. And he’s happy.

But a call one night from management flips Harry’s whole new life upside down, and he’s forced to face the life he had left behind.

As well as a certain blue eyed man who had left him behind.

18.) my love’s not simple (it’s fragile) by @falsegoodnight (27k)

“Can I take you out tomorrow?” he asks. “My shift ends at 7 but we can go for dinner at 8.”

Louis is silent for a few seconds and then, “Like… on a date?”

Harry swallows thickly. He hasn’t done this in years, hasn’t ever wanted to. “Yeah.”

He’s worried he’s misread things but then Louis raises his head to kiss Harry’s cheek. “Yeah,” he says easily. “Sure.”

Tension leaves his body swiftly. “Are you sure?” asks Harry. “I know we’re both so busy but I can’t not try with you, Lou.”

“Neither can I,” says Louis. “I think we can figure it out. I care about you a lot Harry. We’ve known each other for a week, but I already like you so much.”

-

Or Harry's new job is threatened by his impending rut. Desperate for a solution, he allows Niall to introduce him to Louis, an omega whose heat begins the same day. They click.

17.) Cocaine for Breakfast by @harryeatsburger (309k)

“It’s an easy job.” He continues, as if Louis wants to listen. “Like I said, a few trips. Parties, students, nothing dramatic.”

Louis gazes over to Harry. He’s looking thoughtful now, eyes on the green like he’s talking more to himself than Louis.

“Clubbing, drinks. Whatever, the business is just a side thing.”

That’s not how Louis remembers it to be, “You lying?” He honestly can’t tell.

Harry shakes his head slowly, meeting Louis' eyes.

“No,” He answers almost toneless. Harry clears his throat, “I won’t put you in any dangerous situation.” His voice is sincere, Louis can tell he means it, his jade green eyes glinting with truth.

or, - Louis Tomlinson is a drug addict, sent away from his beloved party-scene to recover. There, he discovers that small towns have just as much access to drugs as London did, plus something even better that he just can't get enough of. That something is a boy with green eyes and bouncy curls named Harry Styles. -

16.) Tastes like Strawberries by @sadaveniren (4k)

I’m stressed. I’m nesting and demand cuddles. Come over

Harry frowned and double checked who the text was from. Yup, it still said Louis - Grad, which meant it was from Louis from his grad school.

aka Louis texts Harry by mistake. It works out

15.) the way the storm blows by @rbbsbb (21k)

Louis doesn’t have a habit of thinking about Harry’s dick.

That would be weird, seeing as they’re best mates, and they share a flat, and they’ve spent holidays at each other’s family homes. Their friendship hasn’t ever risen to a point where Louis should want to see his mate’s dick, and he’s happy to keep it that way.

Except, all that Louis can think about is exactly that. The size of it. The shape. The amount of people it’s been in.

Maybe it’s the tequila talking, or the fact that Louis’ just recently walked in to an eyeful of Harry taking turns on some slags that he’s never seen before, but. Louis’ mind can’t stop obsessing over the idea.

14.) bruise you like a peach by @falsegoodnight (40k)

There’s two reasons Harry despises Econ.

The first is that it’s boring as fuck. The second reason is a bit more personal, a bit more focused in a way. As in it’s focused on one specific thing, or in his case, person.

His name is Louis Tomlinson.

13.) Watching The World Fall by whoknows (11k)

This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.

“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”

It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.

“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.

“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”

12.) Quiet People Have the Loudest Minds by @2tiedships2 (38k)

Broadway shows were one of the few things that could keep Louis’ attention for a full two hours without needing to move about. But not tonight.

The alpha next to him was both infuriating him and practically turning him on at the same time. He needed to leave. The alpha, that is. Louis was staying.

Or the one where Louis is a nonverbal omega who has accepted the fact that he will never find an alpha that will treat him as an equal. On the other hand, he’s never met anyone like Harry.

11.) The Wrath of the Emerald Eyes by @purpledandeli0n (85k)

His chin is grabbed harshly, facing the two deep green eyes that have been getting on his nerves for the past ten minutes. The smirk on the man's face does not vanish. The grip of his hand on Louis' chin does not soften, his thumb at the side of his lower lip.

His smile widens as he answers Louis' question, ''My name is Styles, but you will call me Captain."

•

Pirate AU

10.) Canyon Moon by @eeveelou (40k)

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

9.) We Both Got Nothing to Hide by lovelarry10 (43k)

“Talk to me, Lou.”

“I can’t,” Louis mumbled, knowing he genuinely couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit to what he was doing. “Don’t ask me to say it, because I can’t.”

“Then… I’ll try and guess. You’ve… got some stuff of Harry’s. Something of his to make it smell like him?”

Louis just nodded, eyes fixated on the floor. This was humiliating, but he knew Zayn wouldn’t stop until he found out what was going on.

“Okay. Like… a blanket, or a comforter or something?”

“Kind of…”

//

Omega Louis has a secret nest. Alpha Harry keeps losing his clothes.

8.) sleeping on our problems by @falsegoodnight (67k)

I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down.

There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word.

His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared.

-

Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

7.) like it’s a game by @soldouthaz (32k)

there is little harry hates more than truth or dare.

and louis.

6.) before we knew by @falsegoodnight (39k)

“C’mon Lou,” says Zayn after a moment, He sounds even more exasperated than before. Louis sort of has a knack for exasperating people, especially people like Zayn who aren’t usually bothered by his brattiness. “Can’t you give this guy a chance? Harry Styles? Aren’t you curious about him at all?”

Despite his best efforts, Louis still flinches at the name. He really shouldn’t be so affected after all these years. He’s seen the name printed down the curve of his waist in obnoxiously and uncommonly large loopy letters every single day since his sixteenth birthday eight years ago. He’s very familiar with the name Harry Styles.

It sounds pretentious and Louis hates it.

He hates everything about his supposed soulmate.

He hates his large handwriting that stands out like a claim on his skin whenever he’s walking around shirtless. He hates his pretentious name. And now he hates his supposed curls and green eyes and dimples.

-

Or Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed into his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

5.) Mine Would Be You by @crinkle-eyed-boo (114k)

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

4.) You’ve Got My Devotion (Hate You Sometimes) by @harryrainbows (95k)

Harry was in the biggest boy band in the world. He was also one half of the best (or worst, depends on who you ask) kept secret relationship in the music industry.

Now, almost five years on, after One Direction has broken up, and Harry and Louis' relationship has as well, a video threatens to put everything at risk.

One determined Irishman, a massive publicity stunt and two begrudging exes are all it takes to bring One Direction back to life and maybe, just maybe, Harry and Louis' mangled love life too.

Or: Harry and Louis are forced to fake-date after an old video from when they were dating emerges.

3.) The Space Between by @lads-laddylads (39k)

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

2.) Nothing But You On My Mind by @absoloutenonsense (83k)

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again.

1.) Collision by @tequiladimples (224k)

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

(Featuring Liam, the big and not-so-bad wolf who’s got a thing for humans, Zayn, a human with supernaturally good looks, and Niall, the cupid who just wants his job to be easier.)

[dangerousstrawberryshark]

I Can Do Anything I Want

Requested from no one.

Tom Holland x Male Reader

(Tom be looking sexy)

Warning: Violence, kidnapping, psychotic Tom, mention of nudity, all character are above the age of 18

Background: March 21st, 2030, 7:00 PM, you were getting ready to bunker down with your mom and dad. You hoped that nothing would happen tonight but someone decided to come in and give you a visit.

Tom is 20 and you are 18

M/n: Male name.

L/n: Last name.

F/n: Friend's name

Word count: 2900

I hope you enjoy it!! Sorry if it is bad! And there are probably many mistakes and grammar errors. 

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DISCLAIMER: I MEAN NO OFFENSE, DISRESPECT, OR HARM TO ANY OF THESE CELEBRITIES! THIS IS JUST FICTION.

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MINORS DNI. FEMALE READERS… I’LL ALLOW YOU TO READ MY FICS BUT DO NOT FETISHIZE ANY OF MY STORIES

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You were sitting on the couch with your mom sitting on the left side, and your father on your right side. You were waiting for the announcement to come on. ‘It's almost 7:00 PM…” you thought to yourself. The holiday you hated the most was about to begin.

Just then the emergency broadcast came on with that ear-shattering sound. And the screen on the TV turns blue with the symbol of the NFFA in the background.

“This is not a test.”

“This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the Annual Purge sanctioned by the U.S. Government.”

“Weapons of class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the Purge. All other weapons are restricted.”

“Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity from the Purge and shall not be harmed.”

“Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal for 12 continuous hours.”

“Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 AM when the Purge concludes.”

“Blessed be our New Founding Fathers and America, a nation reborn.”

"May God be with you all.”

Then the air horn sirens blared meaning the Purge officially began. Your family has already set up defenses. You, of course, never participate. Your family put out blue flowers to show that they don’t want to participate but they support the purge.

You know your parents, they didn’t support this “holiday” at all. Come on now, 12 hours without any laws. Your parents spoke out against it.

Some (well most) Americans find the Purge to be successful. Unemployment rates plummeted down to 1 percent, crime rates decreased, and the economy was revived.

If you are wondering how this came into reality, it all started back in 2014.

(little history of how the Purge became a tradition in American society.)

In 2014, the United States was facing economic collapse, rising social unrest, and multiple wars. The economic collapse was worse than the Mortgage Crisis of 2008. Neighborhoods across the country were destroyed by an opioid epidemic.

Then a party was founded as a substitute for the Republicans and Democrats, they called themselves the New Founding Fathers of America or NFFA.

In 2016, the first experimental Purge took place and it proved to be successful. Then in 2017, the second experimental Purge began this time it was Nationwide.

Not long after that, the 28th amendment to the US constitution was ratified meaning that Purging is now an American right.

The Purge starts on March 21st at 7:00 PM and it ends at sunrise, March 22nd, 7:00 AM. all crime is legal for 12 hours, no killing high government officials, and don’t use explosives or bioweapons. Those who don’t follow the rules will be hanged.

This resulted in crime and unemployment rates dropping down 1 percent, government spending down 37 percent, and the GDP soared to 37.21 trillion dollars.

Still, many people disagreed with this because it was believed that the Purge was used as means of population control, and to decrease the poor population but they couldn’t do anything about it.

(little history lesson over. I just wanna include that part for those who have never seen the purge.)

We got off the couch and went to go do our own things. “Sweetie do wanna eat dinner?” my mom said, I smiled. “Yes please.” she smiled at me and went to go cook dinner. You went upstairs to chill in your room. Your window was boarded up but you could easily remove it when things go down.

————————————————————————————

Time skip (8:00 PM)

————————————————————————————

It's been one hour since commencement. You were up in your room just watching YouTube videos. Your mother was downstairs cooking Lasagna (or whatever your favorite dish is) your father was downstairs watching the news.

The news would keep up with things happening tonight. Were watching a live stream showing what was happening on the outside. Building on fire, people killing each other, and parties. All of this was caught on drones.

You would hear the occasional screams and gunfire in the area but you and your family were secure.

Then you heard banging on the front door. The door and windows were boarded up with wood planks. ‘Who is that?’ you thought, you were worried it was one of your bullies who decided tonight was the night they get to get rid of you.

You went downstairs to see your parents. They had fear in their eyes, then the door busted one. Three men wearing tuxedos with masks on walked in. then they pulled out their guns, that’s when you dashed and went up into your room.

Your parents tried to run but they were quickly gunned down. You could hear gunshots go off and their screams filled the house.

You locked your bedroom door and ran to the window to remove the wood plank blocking it. You could hear the footsteps coming up the stairs. One of them called out to you, “M/n⁓ where are you⁓? Come out from hiding… are you in your room?”

You recognized that deep British accent, it was Tom! Tom Holland from your class! ‘What did I do to him? I never did anything wrong to him!’ but that didn’t stop you from removing the plank. You jumped out the window and ran for it.

Tom busted through your door to see that you have escaped. He gritted his teeth and went downstairs to see his twin brothers sitting down on the couch with their masks off.

“So he got away?” the older twin said. “Yeah, he did. We’ll find him though. He isn’t stupid enough to go downtown. He’ll probably head to his friend's house.” Tom said a little anger that his precious lover had gone away.

“We already took care of his friends. But we couldn’t get to one of them.” The younger twin said, Tom nodded and went out to go find you.

(Btw Tom's parents live in the UK and they don’t know what he is doing. Tom’s brothers are just helping him catch you)

————————————————————————————

Time skip (9:00 PM)

————————————————————————————

You were running to your friend's house hoping they would help you. You had to be careful while running through the streets, there were purgers everywhere. The city of Los Angeles was crawling with them, especially in the downtown area.

Thankfully you took your phone with you to see what time it was. ‘9:00 PM.’ you turned off your but you made sure it was on silent mode so it wouldn't bring attention to you.

You had a little encounter with Purgers but they were quickly gunned down by a machine gun attached to the back of a car. You saw vehicles on fire, dead bodies, and an old lady just watching a body burn.

‘This is all crazy!’ you thought as you ran faster just to get off the streets but what you didn’t was that someone was following you.

After running for 30 minutes you finally arrived at one of your friend’s houses. You didn’t realize that their barricades were broken until you twisted the knob on the door.

You walked in to see the whole place trashed. You walked through the rooms to see F/N parents dead, lying on the floor. Their eyes were open, you see nothing in them. “Please don’t be dead…” you said putting your hand over your mouth as you tried not to cry out loud.

You slowly walked up the stairs and approached F/N’s room. There you saw it, F/N lying on the floor dead as well. You burst out crying but that ended when you heard a car pull up.

“Find him!” you knew who that was immediate. You couldn’t run anywhere because they were downstairs, and the window had steel as a barricade. So, you hid in F/n’s closet.

You knew they had a pile of clothing in the corner, so you buried yourself in their clothes. You heard their footsteps walking up the stairs, and them breaking down the door. Then you heard them in the room.

You could see a figure walking through a small hole in the clothing pile. You covered your mouth so you wouldn’t breathe too hard. “CLEAR!” the figure yelled and went back downstairs. You heard their conversation from downstairs because of how the walls were thin.

“I thought he would be here!” Tom yelled, and out of anger shots one of his own men. The twins and the other weren’t fazed by this. They knew Tom had a few screws loose.

Then you heard them leave but you didn’t believe they actually left so you decided to stay where you were for the 2 to 3 hours.

————————————————————————————

Time skip (3:00 AM)

————————————————————————————

While waiting you accidentally fell asleep (why? because of plot purposes and I'm the author)and you realized that it was 3:00 AM, 4 hours till the Purge ends. You thought you could stay here but then you smelt something burning.

You got out of the pile to see the room was on fire. ‘What?! How?’ you quickly got and ran before the roof caved in on you. The backdoor was barricaded but due to the fire, it melted the steel allowing you to escape. (is that possible?)

You were on the run again but before you left, you noticed a group of people watching the house burn. ‘Are those my teachers?’ The group was your teachers from different classes. You knew they didn’t like F/N at all.

‘What has this country become?’ if this keeps happening, if more innocent people keep dying, then the nation will become the “Nation of Murders.” you decided to ignore them and run.

But one of them saw you, “M/n? Is that you?” one of them yelled. You froze, ‘how did they--?’ you turned around to see them walking towards you. “Hey don't worry we ain’t kill you. You are our favorite student!”

You looked at them shocked. “Why are you out here? Aren’t you supposed to be with your parents?” you looked down and began to cry. They noticed and said they didn’t need to know.

“Do you wanna come with us? There’s a neighborhood block party.” you nodded and decided to go with them. ‘So I guess they kill the kids they hate.’ they then took you to one of the nearby parties.

But one of Tom’s men noticed and decided to alert the big boss.

(just to be clear, in the Purge series there isn’t a legal purge. Meaning that you can kill someone who is 18 or younger. Now that’s fucked up.)

You and the teachers arrived at the block party. You see everyone partying, some had creepy masks, and others were naked grinding against each other. You lost your teachers in the crowd so you decided to just hideout.

————————————————————————————

Time skip (6:00 AM, one hour till the Purge ends.)

————————————————————————————

(if you are wondering why Tom didn’t show up early, it's because he was busy doing something else….. Or maybe its because I was too lazy to put anything during that time skip)

You checked your phone and noticed it was 6:00 AM. ‘One more hour!’ you smiled as the night was finally coming to an end. The sun was rising in the distance but people were still partying. ‘I survived the night.’

You even began to party yourself in celebration of surviving. You had a couple of drinks but not enough to be completely drunk. You danced with some people. Overall you were having a good time

But that happiness was short-lived when the gunfire began to go off. People were screaming and tripping over each other as they tried to run away. You already knew who it was. Tom fucking Holland and his group arrived

He noticed you in the crowd and smirked as he can finally have you before the Purge ended. You ran away from the crowd to one of those large garbage containers. You hid behind them hoping Tom won’t find you.

You could still hear the screams of people and more gunfire further down the street. You creeped out from your hiding place and walked back to the street.

You were horrified by what you were seeing. Dead bodies everywhere, your teacher’s dead bodies, and some people you were dancing with. All dead.

Then you heard footsteps behind you, you turned around to see Tom there smiling sadistically at you. You admit he was kind of hot but that doesn’t matter right now. “Why are you doing this? I never did anything to you! And did you find me?! ”

(6:55 AM)

“Why’m I doing this? Well, it's because of M/n…… I love you M/n! You never did anything wrong. And how did I find you? Well, remember there's an app where you can track down certain people’s phones? Well, that’s how I found you, that and one of my men told me.” Tom sounded proud of what he just said.

(6:57 AM)

“I thought I could use this Purge night as a way to finally have you to myself! I hope you share the same feeling like me.” you couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“Tom…. look, you’re a cute guy, hell I would probably have dated if you just came up to me like a normal person would. But no, you went ahead and killed everyone. You killed my family and friends, and you think I share the same feeling like you! No!” you yelled the tension was thick and Tom was angry.

(6:59 AM)

“I loved you! And they were getting in the way!--” Tom took a pause, “If I can’t have then no one will!” Tom charged at you with his knife. ‘What happened to his gun?’

But you quickly snapped out when he charged at you. You dodged his attack but he stabbed you in the arm. He was about to finish when…

(7:00 AM)

*INSERT SIREN NOISE*

The siren went off meaning the Purge had come to an end. Tom was still going to attack but was stopped when a voice came on, “Stop what you are doing! I repeat stop what you are doing! The Purge has concluded. If anyone does a crime, you will face the consequences.”

Tom stopped what he was doing and looked at you, “Next Purge, I’m going to get you.” Tom then got into his car and drove off.

You felt like you were going to faint from blood loss but then someone drove up to you. “Hey, okay?! Oh my God, we need to get you to the hospital!” they picked you up and carried you into the backseat, and drove you to the nearest hospital.

The radio was on and began to report on tonight’s events. “Just after 7:00 AM, March 22nd Pacific Standard, the Annual Purge was concluded. Reports are coming from all over the nation that this was the most participated Purge yet….

364 days until the next Purge...

THE GOOD ENDING

Bad Ending.

Time skip (6:00 AM, one hour till the Purge ends.)

You checked your phone and noticed it was 6:00 AM. ‘One more hour!’ you smiled as the night was finally coming to an end. The sun was rising in the distance but people were still partying. ‘I survived the night.’

You even began to party yourself in celebration of surviving. Yo had a couple of drinks but not enough to be completely drunk. You danced with some people. Overall you were having a good time

But that happiness was short-lived when the gunfire began to go off. People were screaming and tripping over each other as they tried to run away. You already knew who it was. Tom fucking Holland and his group arrived

He noticed you in the crowd and smirked as he can finally have you before the Purge ended. You ran away from the crowd to one of those large garbage containers. You hid behind them hoping Tom won’t find you.

You could still hear the screams of people and more gunfire further down the street. You creeped out from your hiding place and walked back to the street.

You were horrified by what you were seeing. Dead bodies everywhere, your teacher’s dead bodies, and some people you were dancing with. All dead.

Just then you felt something being injected into your neck. You passed out but before you completely passed out, you got a glimpse of who it was…. It was Tom.

“You're finally mine M/n. I’ll keep you forever…. No one will take us apart….”

PART TWO CAN BE FOUND HERE

[writingtoforgetreality]

Sounds Of Someday - Little Movie Star Chapter One (Jensen Ackles x Daughter!Reader)

[Actors-Masterlist], [Little Movie Star-Masterlist]

Next Chapter

Summary: Growing up in a children’s home sucked. Big time. Multiple families had taken you in over the years but it always ended the same. You were done with trusting others. So when you found out that there was another family out there who had taken an interest in you, you prepared for the worst. You never thought you would find yourself in Austin, with the Ackles. 

Words: 2,328

Warnings: language, mentions of shitty childhood, angst (?), trust issues, story starts in 2016 (changes in future chapters, you’ll see), for the sake of this story, the twins weren’t born in December but earlier in 2016 (August), (Y/A) = your age IN 2016!!!

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

~2016~

Another boring day in your children’s home. You had been a constant part of it ever since you were born. Throughout the years, you were lucky enough to be sent to multiple foster families. In the end, you always ended back here & quite honestly, you were sick of it. By now, there were no other kids in your room anymore. Every now & then, there had been times where you got a roommate but it always seemed like they stayed for an extremely short time. Like, families wanted them & they had never given them back. You, on the other hand, did not have it that easy. Your file was filled with multiple homes & that usually was an indicator for misbehavior. Yet, you had never, not even once, done anything wrong. Just, your luck with families was not necessarily given. And that was one of the worst things a child could endure. Nobody wanted you. You were never good enough & you promised yourself that, no matter what the future might hold for you, you would never ever trust another family again. The outcome was always the same, why bothering?

“(Y/N)?” the door squeaked slightly & a man took a look inside. Bill. He was the only real friend you had ever had. Even though you were not quite sure if friend was the right word. He worked at the children’s home, after all. It was his job to take care of the kids here. Still, you liked him & you had a gut feeling that he was fond of you, too.

“Hey there, Billy Boy. What’s up?” you looked up from the book you were currently reading & raised your eyebrows in question when you saw him hesitating. Usually, he only ever came in when something had happened or when you had to be somewhere. Honestly, you did not care about the schedules you were given. Bill made sure you got everywhere on time & you did the chores you were assigned to do.

“Time to pack your bag. Your new family is waiting.” he tried everything to make his voice sound exciting but deep down he knew you despised the idea of having to go somewhere new. The past had not been particularly kind to you but he had a good feeling about these new people.

“Pleeeease tell me you’re kidding…” your head was thrown back out of frustration. Here we go again, you thought.

“Be outside in 10 minutes, we have a long drive ahead.” Bill shot you a sympathetic smile & you let out a groan. As much as you hated the thought of a new family, you knew better than to mess with the employees here. Getting up, you walked over to your closet & pulled your clothes out, throwing them into your suitcase without much care. There were not many things you owned to begin with so you were done in about five minutes. For the remainder of the time, you sat down on your bed & began overthinking. This situation was nothing new to you, yet you found yourself growing anxious. Why did you still care? They would give you back in no time so why worrying about stuff you could not change? Sighing, you got up, took your suitcase & walked outside to Bill’s car. He had already been waiting for you, leaning against one of the doors. No words were exchanged. His tight lipped smile showed you enough. Pity. You shot him a sarcastic smile back.

You were mad at everyone. Mad at Bill. Mad at your new family. Mad at your parents, who gave you up right after you were born. Mad at yourself. Bill had tried to start a conversation every now & then but you simply told him that you were tired & turned up the volume of the radio to distract your racing thoughts. Time went by slowly, you had no idea how long you had been in this car. All you knew was that your legs were getting tired. Wanting to ask Bill to stop for a while so you could walk around a bit, you were cut off by the car coming to a halt. Huh. Looked like Bill could read your thoughts. The area you guys stopped at was very wealthy, you could tell. The houses were massive & you definitely did not mind walking around the neighborhood for a couple of minutes.

“Where are we?” you could not help but ask. Maybe, if you ever had enough money, you would move to a neighborhood that looked similar to this one.

“Austin, Texas. Welcome home, (Y/N)?” his body turned towards you to wait for your reaction.

“Welcome home?” your eyes widened. “Don’t tell me I’ll live in one of those houses.” there was no way a family this rich would ever want you. Sure Bill had made a mistake & mixed up the addresses.

“I’m afraid you will. This one, to be exact.” he pointed to the one you were parked in front. “Come on, we’re late. They’re waiting for you.” Bill got out of the car & grabbed your suitcase out of the trunk. Right now, you were not sure what to think or what to feel. Surely, this was the biggest house you had ever been to & the fact that you were supposed to live in there? It kind of scared you. Because you were sure that these people expected certain manners from you. And you did not think you could live up to their expectations.

Bill led you to the front door, he was carrying your suitcase for you even though you had told him that you could handle your stuff just fine. He noticed your trembling hands so he simply wanted to help you out a little. Bill nudged your shoulder, signaling that you should be the one knocking. Taking a deep breath, you raised your hand & gently knocked. It was almost inaudible. Literally nobody in a house this big could have heard it. So to say you were surprised when the door opened almost immediately after, was an understatement. One shocking factor followed the other & you gasped when you saw THE Jensen & Danneel Ackles in front of you. Both of them smiled warmly at you & you wished you could have copied their actions but you were too stunned to move. Great, your first impression was awful. It could only get better, right? Bill talked to Jensen & Danneel briefly & before you had time to process what was happening, he hugged you goodbye. Leaving your suitcase standing right next to you & you alone with your new…family? As if the Ackles wanted you? This had to be a mistake. Maybe it was some sort of publicity stunt? It sure left a good impression to take in a foster kid. But if you were not mistaken completely, they had twins not too long ago? A few weeks, you believed.

“Hi, (Y/N), right?” the woman in front of you asked. She was absolutely gorgeous. A nod made her continue. “I’m Danneel & this is my husband Jensen. Wanna come in? It’s better we talk inside.” your eyes switched between her & Jensen & while Jensen had been quiet so far, his smile was convincing enough. Making a move to grab your suitcase, Jensen beat you to it & told you that he got it. You thanked him with a genuine smile. Stop it! Just because you had been a fan of theirs did not change your situation. Soon, they would realize that you were not worth their time & then Bill would come & get you again. Same old, same old.

They walked you to a beautiful couch & told you to have a seat, which you did. Immediately, your hands started rubbing over your thighs, something you did to calm your nerves. Did not seem to work today, though. Both, Jensen & Danneel, placed themselves at either side of you. Their smiles relaxed you a bit & you could feel your breath even out. There was something about their aura that had a calming effect on you.

“It’s a lot right now, I know.” Jensen started, your eyes met his & he continued. “But we’re glad you’re finally here. We’ve been waiting so long for you & the fact that you are now with us makes us incredibly happy.”

“You’ve been waiting for…me?” you were surprised that your voice was so steady.

“Well, you see, there is a lot of paperwork going on before you can actually take in a kid from a children’s home but that doesn’t matter now, you’re here.” Jensen patted your shoulder & you knew he only meant well but you could not help but flinch at his touch. Immediately, he retreated his hand & coughed to brush off the awkwardness. You felt sorry for him but you had never been a fan of physical touch. Simply because you had never really experienced it.

“I think we should show you your room & let you get settled in. What do you say, angel?” Danneel rescued Jensen & you were not quite sure if she was talking to you at first. Did she just call you angel? No one had ever given you a nickname. Smiling slightly, you nodded at her & followed both of them through their house. You wondered if you were staying here long enough to find your way in this labyrinth or if you were sent back before you had the chance to navigate through it yourself.

The three of you arrived in a hallway, a lot of doors on each side & you assumed that was where their kids had their rooms. They still had no idea that you actually knew a lot more about them that you first had shown. For example, that Supernatural had been your favorite show for the longest time. Your plan was to let them in on your little secret as soon as you were in your new room. At the very end of the hallway, & you had to admit, you had never seen such a pretty hallway in your life, Danneel opened the door & ushered you in. Looking around, you were mesmerized. The room was huge, you could not believe that it would all be yours to live in.

“You like it?” Jensen, who was standing in the doorway, asked you. Turning around, you nodded & smiled a little. A rush of overwhelming thoughts came crushing over you & you had to gulp for a second. Deep breaths, you got this. This was too much to ask for. All of a sudden, you felt like you did not deserve any of this. Certainly, you did not deserve to live with a family like the Ackles.

“I assume the kids are in the rooms next to mine?” asking before really thinking what you were about to say. When neither of them answered, you looked up & saw their expressions. Shit, this was not your plan. Knowing the questions were about to start, you quickly continued & explained yourself before things got even weirder.

“I mean, I know you guys have three other kids. A three-year-old & twins, only a couple of weeks old, right?” followed by a quiet chuckle, you hoped they were not regretting their decision of taking you in already.

“You know us?” Jensen came a little closer & took a seat on the comfortable looking bed that was perfectly placed in your room. Already, you could imagine yourself putting effort into decorations to make it look more like yourself, more homely. No, wait. No need to worry about that, you would be gone & then all of your effort would be for nothing.

“Supernatural is my favorite show.” slowly, you took a seat next to Jensen, not too close, there was still a good distance between you two.

“Perfect, now you finally have someone to talk about the show who isn’t Jared.” Danneel joked & crossed her arms over her chest. They seemed…fine with you being a fan? Huh, definitely unexpected. You thought they would throw you out right away.

“Great, so you already know a little bit about us. JJ will love you. She’s been dying to meet her big sis for weeks now.” he sounded genuine. Big sis. You had never been a big sister. Were you ready to take that role? Why did you feel so much pressure all of a sudden? Jensen stood up & walked over to Danneel who handed him a little wrapped box.

“Bill told us you don’t have a phone so this is a welcome gift from us.” gently, you took the box from him & gave him an uncertain look. Yet, your hands moved on their own & you were shocked when you saw what phone they had given you. The newest iPhone? What the fuck? You could not take it, it was too much.

“That’s…nice & all, thank you. But it’s really too much, I can’t-“ you got interrupted by Danneel.

“Sure, you can. We want you to be able to contact us at any time. We’ll leave you to it for now. Get settled in, dinner is at 6 pm. Remember the way to the kitchen?” you only nodded, at a loss for words. The door shutting was the last thing you heard before being left alone in complete silence. The voices in your head the only noise you could make out. Why could you not make them stop? Why could you not just enjoy this? They seemed nice. Like they were actually trying for you. Why did you have to let your past consume you? Silent tears flowed down your face. For a while, you just let yourself feel. Feel whatever emotion your body was experiencing right now. You were alone right now, might as well take advantage of it.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter 

Published (03/20/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @vicmc624, @imaginationisgrowth, @stoneyggirl, @alyispunk, @thevelvetseries, @multifandomlover121, @samsgirl93,, @supernatural3002, @diabetes-03, @prettybubblesintheair (let me know if you wanna be tagged <3)

[nesivt]

💜

how did you first hear about vtubing?

I remember in late 2019, hubby and I first started seeing "clips" and finding Youtubers that would fall under that category. Specifically we were watching skits and cover videos from HIMEHINA - which are a fun comedic duo.

I remember thinking their avatars were cool and starting to look into the concept - then as 2020 happened we started seeing an uptick in clips from others such as Coco and Pekora - that's basically when we started finding out about Hololive talents.

I heard about VRoid and downloaded it late January 2020, early February I started playing with it a little bit and made my first pink haired character based on an OC of mine. But I still had a l o t to learn! Back there there was barely any tutorials but I finally came across one that taught hair, and I made my first avatar off my Ragnarok Mobile character. In fact I'll attach a never-before-seen clip of my "OG face tracking tests" which is dated from April 4, 2020 - and yeah it's just as cursed as you can imagine. Dat OG VRoid Texture life as well! (And I'll also keep rambling!)

So I started making this Avatar cause I planned to stream the game, Ragnarok Mobile, in order to help explain some game concepts to my Guild. Even back then I was making in-guild guides for things, as the game could be rather confusing with some stuff. So I began streaming on Twitch, which I didn't stream at the start to take it seriously, I just wanted to teach my guild things. I had actually began setting up topics for a more "Lecture" type setting. This is from probably my first or second stream; just cut down.

So I wasn't really falling into Twitch/Vtuber culture to begin with, looking back on it now. I just figured I'd try out streaming - which probably 99% of people don't know - I had originally streamed back in 2016 after Twitch Creative started. I would go live and do IRL painting or inking - webcam and all! But due to life things, I had dropped streaming in that time.

So picking up VTubing was a way for me to "stream again" while we are in a tiny apartment, and Hubby doesn't want to be a part of the stream. We could stay more anonymous and just work with that. Didn't have to find green screens and all of that!

After a few weekly streams, and then with the lockdowns, we had nothing better to do so I was streaming more. I eventually hit affiliate and by the time summer started, I wanted to try more variety streaming. I began forming another OC to work with - based slightly off a different OC from a story I had ongoing with my doll OCs at the time - and worked off that. I didn't want to stream as my ROM "game character" and do other games. It just irked me.

And so, "Nesi Moonheart" was born!

I rebranded the channel and did more variety, and tried to "fit in" the vtuber spaces more-so than before. This was around June/July 2020.

But this was how I first heard of VTubing and getting into it - I have always really enjoyed the tech side and have tried a ton of things over the years since. I always love new redeems/stream tech, or ways to work with the 3D models, or changing clothing etc.

I think I may have gone off on a tangent, but this is just how it be LOL

I hope this answered the question though! Feel free to follow up with anymore

[athenawasamerf]

Feminism in Egypt, Part 2

FGM

FGM has a long, bloody history with African and Arab women. Some people say it originated in Ancient Egypt; others lean more towards it being a Bedouin Arab tradition. I’m not here to discuss the origin story of one of the most horrific human rights infarctions on earth. I’m here to talk about the current feminist struggle against it.

FGM was outlawed in Egypt in June of 2008, and a 2014 survey showed that a whopping 92% of married women and girls between 15 and 49 years old have been subjected to FGM (I will talk more about the inclusion of 15 year olds in official surveys of married women in a post about child brides), and that 72% of these crimes were carried out by doctors. In 2008, a DHS survey of women and girls in the same age range showed that 63% of them were in support of FGM as a practice. Of those 63%, 60% cited husband preference for ‘cleaned’ girls, and 39% cited religious reasons. All of these are easily googleable facts, but these things always sound so clinical when they’re presented like this. Cold, sterile, detached. So, let’s get a little deeper into it, shall we?

Girls in Egypt are mutilated anywhere between birth and marriage, but mostly before the age of 15. These are children. Every single year, we have cases of babies, toddlers, children, young women dying from botched mutilations and infections, especially after the 2016 criminalisation of FGM practitioners. Parents will take their daughters to backwater clinics, or have ‘doula’s who have no medical experience of any kind visit them at home, and cut into the flesh of their young daughters with non-sterile equipment, often without anaesthesia.

I’ve heard and read first-hand accounts of girls who got topical anaesthesia that wore out halfway through. I’ve heard and read first-hand accounts of girls who were dragged, kicking and screaming, and held down by family and neighbours forcefully as their bodies were torn into. Of girls who bled for days, of girls who had to have their legs bound to each other for weeks, of girls who couldn’t stop screaming in pain every time they went to the bathroom, to complete apathy and even disgust and anger from their families, of girls who were snarled at for making noise while their bodies were being torn away on their own beds, of girls who still have constant pain over a decade later, of girls who hate themselves and hate their vulvas, and hate their lives. Of girls who are suicidal, of girls who are terrified of marriage, who have trust issues, who can’t handle the thought of anyone touching them there again, after the first time being so traumatic and painful and horrifying. All of this is done while the family, and even friends and neighbours, celebrate in joy. It’s even tradition in some rural areas to take all the female children of the family to get ‘fixed’ together, dressed in pretty dresses and fancy shoes.

I’ve also heard of women who are asexual due to trauma, whose husbands rape them continuously, who are abused for refusing sex, whose families disown them for being such a disgrace, whose husbands divorce them and leave them for dead, whose husbands marry multiple women besides them, and they are left to fend for themselves, unable to get a divorce and move on, and completely abandoned by the people they trusted the most. They’re told the angels will curse them all night for refusing sex, but what about their trauma? What about their feelings? What about them, as people? Nobody cares.

So, how did we get here? There are 3 main reasons.

The ’’religious’’ folk will cite a (weak) hadith as their proof that FGM is a good, healthy practice. It goes that the prophet saw a woman going to get her daughter cut, and he told her to ‘not cut severely, as that is better for the woman and more preferable to the husband’. Apart from any implications of misogyny in this hadith, it has been disputed multiple times, along with a couple others in support of FGM. You can read more about that here.

Regardless of the truth of FGM having Islamic support, the reality of the matter is that a huge amount of actual, real life Muslim people cite these hadiths as their reasoning to mutilate their daughters, and everyone sees that as completely justified. The truth of the matter is this: Someone put these hadiths into the public conscience knowing full well they will be used to abuse, maim, hurt, kill women for centuries. Whether that someone was prophet Muhammed himself or later scholars, no one can actually ever know.

The second, more indirectly religious and directly misogynistic reason, is to ensure ‘purity’. You see, as I’ve talked about before and as many of you already know, women in Islam and in MENA in general are seen and treated as property. The family’s honour lies between a woman’s thighs. A young girl who speaks to boys her age in the most innocent context possible can be subjected to house arrest, beatings, forced stopping of her education, even death, for daring to put the family’s honour in jeopardy. A girl who has a boyfriend, well...

In a society that places so much value not only on women’s virginity, but also on their complete removal and separation from the male sex at any cost, it’s not very surprising that tips and tricks like using FGM to ‘cull a woman’s sexual desire’ spread like wildfire. Girls are mutilated to make sure they don’t become wh**es. This is said frankly, openly, it’s common knowledge. If you refuse to hurt your child in this way, you will be met with disdain and disgust, and even wails of despair, with shock, with animosity. “Do you want her to become like a prostitute and ruin your family name? Do you want her to walk around uncontrolled? Don’t you know what shame she will bring on you?” These statements are directed at girls as young as... in the womb, if you show your dissent early enough.

And the final reason is the least of them to hide under religious pretences, and the most misogynistic: Because this is how men prefer their wives to be.

You might think when I say preference here, I mean it in the way I mean, “Oh, I personally prefer brunette hair,” but you would be sorely mistaken. By prefer here, I mean demand. I mean a man could force his grown wife, through physical force or through abuse, to mutilate her body for his satisfaction. I mean that men will sneer at un-mutilated women. I mean that men will beat their wives on their wedding night to within an inch of her life for ‘cheating’ them if the wives are not mutilated. I mean men will suspect their wives of adultery and murder them, which carries a reduced sentence of ‘time served during investigation’, just for the simple act of having intact genitals. I mean men will divorce their wives on their wedding night for being unharmed, for being whole. I mean men will act so entitled to women’s bodies that they will always have the assumption that the ‘product’ they are ‘buying’ is cut to taste, and they will become violent and aggressive and murderous if they find out this is not the case.

I personally don’t know whether or not I’ve been mutilated. With such high numbers in Egypt, the likely answer is yes, but I genuinely have no clue. I am not allowed to ask about these things, or I’ll be seen as a loose wh**re. My parents would beat me up and they still wouldn’t allow me the dignity of knowing whether my own body has been altered against my will. I don’t know if I’ll ever find out.

The feminists fighting constantly for tighter regulations, for harsher punishments, for longer sentences; these women are seen as the spawn of the devil. Accusations of loose morals are thrown their way day in and day out. Death threats and rape threats (’that’s what you want anyway isn’t it?’) are hurled at them from every direction. They are silenced. They are ridiculed. But they are prevailing. This year, the Egyptian president has decided to alter the FGM laws to cover loopholes, and possibly to increase enforcement. He has also altered the charge set to doctors who perform FGM which results in death from manslaughter to first or second degree murder.

The problem, however, remains in lack of reporting. Ever since the criminalisation of performing FGM in 2008, and the setting of punishments in 2016 as a minimum of three months’ jail time, to a maximum of 2 years, or a minimum of 1000EGP to a maximum of 5000EGP fines (63.71 to 318.53 USD), and until 2018, and possibly until today, not a single mutilator had been convicted.

Imagine being fined as little as 60 dollars for the permanent mutilation of a little girl’s body. And even that is not happening.

People refuse to report the monsters who do perform this, despite a 2012 gynaecology convention condemning the practice, and calling it an inhumane act, and stating quite forcefully that it is not a medical procedure, and that it is an infringement on the human rights of women and girls, which medicine and medical ethics do not condone. And yet, the public opinion remains the same: this is their business, it is not our place to intervene. It is not our place to get this fine young man thrown in jail, or fined, for performing a ‘cleaning’ procedure, and besides, wouldn’t you rather they had a medical professional perform it, rather than an uneducated woman, or a barber, or a butcher? It is not our place to report this family and tear them apart -  what did they ever do to us that we may hurt them like this?

No one ever asks what little girls have ever done for us to fail them like this.

[werevulvi]

You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.

So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...

At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.

I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.

It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.

And now for the obligatory life story:

I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.

So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.

When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.

Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.

So then, have I ever made any attempts?

Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.

So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.

Would I date a disabled person?

Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.

I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...

Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?

Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...

I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.

I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.

So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.

That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.

There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.

BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.

So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.

So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note. Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.

[wifewithaboyfriend]

Was it your idea or your husbands for you to get a boyfriend? I would like this lifestyle with my partner but it’s hard to convince her.

Funny you should ask. I’ll give you the short answers and then the long one. This has been a fantasy of Hubby’s since before we met. (Since he was around 14 he says.) But it was my idea for me to start dating another guy. When we were dating I told him we could talk about it and pretend all he wanted, but it would never happen in real life. Hubby had told me a story of a girl he had dated that he had reverse-cuckolded (went on a date with another girl and reported all the details to his girlfriend ... 20 years earlier). He told me about how it drove his ex-girlfriend crazy and she really loved it. But he told me it wasn’t in his nature to do that type of thing, but if I wanted to understand cuckolding, we could role-play that he was dating another woman. So in late 2016 I agreed to try that, for about a month, Hubby pretended to be seeing another woman. He told me about her and ... he made it seem very real. In fact, I forgot that it was just role play and ... it was actually pretty exciting. But then I got jealous and couldn’t take any more. So one night I walked into our bedroom and told him that I was staging a coup. I told him I had really enjoyed it and now understood how exciting it was. But that was over. Now I was going to start dating someone and he was going to be the cuckold. I told him straight out that I was going to start dating a guy ... that I was going to start getting busy with a guy we both knew that we had met 2 years earlier. He was a little shocked because it was someone we both knew and the guy was a US Marine ... and I think Hubby knew the guy would jump at the chance to get busy with me. He was a bit crest-fallen. Unfortunately, the guy had moved away by then. So Hubby was relieved. Until I told him I would find someone else to get busy with.

So I “made” Hubby create a dating profile and that worked remarkably fast. But when Hubby saw the guy that wanted to date me, he got cold feet. He said he didn’t want to go through with it.

But I told him we were FOR SURE going through with it. But not to worry because I would make it fun for him. (I had heard enough of his fantasies for the past 10+ years that I knew exactly what to do.)

And so I started dating T ... and getting real busy with him. :D

Almost all of the ground rules we had talked about quickly went out the window and even though I LOVE my Hubby ... I have forced him to accept so many thing things that he said he said he would never accept. For example, before starting, Hubby was terrified that I might do things or wear things for my BF that I have never done or worn for him ... without telling him.

But I DO tell him. So ... problem solved. In fact, sometimes I actually enjoy telling him about something I do with T that I’ve never done with him. And I LOVE the look on his face when I tell him that he’s not allowed anal because I’m saving it for T. Or that he can only have a handjob because I’m my pussy is reserved for T.

I let him decide what he wants to hear and how often. He keeps repeating the certain questions like, “You’re not REALLY going to do that with T are you? You’ve never even done that with me.” And my answer is usually something like, “I don’t know. If that’s what T decides, I don’t have much choice.” which drives Hubby absolutely crazy. “Why do you let him cum on your face?!” My answer, “He just does. It’s not something I decided. He just decided he should cum on my face. So he does.” My favorite question from Hubby is, “And what if he decides that you should only have sex with him?” My answer: “I’m sure I could talk him into letting me give you a handjob occasionally.”

You see, in one of my Hubby’s blog posts a long time ago, he wrote something that has been my guide, “My wife hasn’t given me the fantasy that I asked for, but rather the fantasy that I didn’t dare ask for.”

[soccerbites]

WHAT IT WAS | RAFE CAMERON

Masterlist on pinned!

A.N: Heeyy, if you find this familiar it could be because you read it on my wattpad account or on here before I deactivated! English is not my first language so please be kind!

WORDS COUNT: 4k

WARNINGS: a lot of them, swearing, blood, drugs, etc.

You hadn't thought about it in months when you finally were getting over it, suddenly came back, all the memories, good and bad, all the euphoria, when everything was angelic, when it was cruel, when suddenly it was radiant, then turned violent, and ended up being painful. When you gave up on it because you could not take it anymore.

-

Your family was the typical kook one, you grew up in a life full of luxury, you got everything you wanted due to your mum's richness.

Sarah and you were best friends since you were born and his brother was your boyfriend practically since both of you learned that word. The Cameron's and your family had everything arranged between you two, Rafe and you were supposed to be together for the rest of your lives, he was going to take care of his dad's company, the next step would be getting married, travel around the world, having lots of beautiful kids and live happily ever after.

2008

It was your 5th birthday party, all your friends were there and you felt extremely happy with the big amount of presents you had received from them all. You were not the typical little girl your parents desired you to be, you had begged for them to let "Pirates of the Caribbean" be the theme, you hadn't really seen the movies but you loved pirates! Rafe and you would always pretend you were them in his dad's yacht because Sarah did not like them at all, you couldn't understand how it was so fun! Your friend would lend you one of his plastic swords and play the whole afternoon. The best part was that you always won, but now, many years after, looking back at it Rafe was probably letting you win. However, your mum forced you to make your party about Cinderella, you hate princess but especially Cinderella, there wasn't a reason for it, you just did.

Weeks before you had told the little boy your birthday was going to be about pirates and he was so excited about it, you babble about it for days, so when Rafe arrived at your house with his family and saw all the princess decorations and the angry but yet sad face you had on, he instantly understood what was going on, you both were little but very smart for your age, plus he had sympathy for you due to his similar family conditions.

Everyone but you and him enjoyed the celebration, the young man and you stayed together in a corner of your backyard playing alone. Rafe picked up two small branches and played as you were pirates like you would usually do, he knew that was what you really wanted at that moment.

When it was time to blow the candles you looked at your sky blue and pink cake, wishing it had Jack Sparrow's face on it, Rafe smiled at you and you smiled back at him. Everyone sang the typical song, you blew the candles and buried three of your little fingers into the cake, thinking of three wishes.

being a pirate

playing as pirates with Rafe

Sarah wanting to play as pirates with you two

-

2010

It was almost summer and you were really excited about all the little adventures Rafe and you were going to have in the next months.

You felt so much older, your first year of primary school was over and it had been great! Even though Sarah was not hanging out with you as much as she was before; you had the hope of playing with her more now that you had nothing else to do.

Those weeks were great, you almost didn't see your girl best friend, but her brother and you were getting closer and closer as days went by. Rafe always protected you from everything and made you laugh a lot, he was funny.

Summer '10 was lovely, one of your favorites memories of you and the boy happened during that time, your first kiss. You didn't really count it as the very first kiss, but you had to admit that, at that time, for you was even more than what it actually was.

It was an extremely warm day and you invited Rafe over to play in the fort you both had made in your backyard, right where years before you were pretending to be pirates while your birthday party was going on inside the house. He was 'building' a table as you made mud cakes.

"Look at the cake i made for us!" you abruptly shouted, thing that scared Rafe, but he didn't let you notice because the last thing he wanted was for you to make fun of him.

"It looks delicious y/n, we should eat it!" he said, excitement on his face while sitting beside you.

"ARE YOU CRAZY RAFE?" you were shocked, the drama queen in you was starting to jump out, "IT'S MADE OF DIRT THAT'S DISGUSTING!" you looked at him, terrorized by what the little boy was saying.

"i- i- i wasn't serious, i- i just thought you'd like me to say that" he was so embarrassed.

"oh, i'm sorry" you apologized to him.

There was silence for a few seconds, it wasn't uncomfortable so you didn't mind about it.

"wanna know what Sarah made me do?"

"mmmm, maybe"

"she made me watch 'The Princess And The Frog', TWO TIMES" he sounded so mad, "and then she told me that Topper kissed her" he looked at you, you were not understanding why he was telling you this, but before you could talk; he continued, "and i was thinking that may- maybe we can d- do it too" you opened your eyes wide open, kissing him? like in the mouth?

"i- in- the mouth?"

"yeah, i mean, that's what she told me" you stared into his eyes, trying to figure out if he was just messing with you or was actually serious about it.

"uhm, i guess so?"

"you do?" he had a frown formed in his face.

"if that's what you want to" he nodded with a smirk on his lips.

You both turned and were now facing each other, without an idea of what to do you followed him, he started to lean forward and you did too, he closed his eyes and you did as well, and after what felt like an eternity but was actually almost four seconds, your lips touched his; ending up in a little pecked kiss.

After that day neither you nor Rafe talked about it again, it was like it never happened, which, at your really short age, was normal.

This year your family and you decided not to celebrate your birthday due to your grandma passing away two weeks before, it didn't feel right for them. At seven years old it was hard to fully understand what death was, you had heard about it but never experienced it before. Rafe felt really bad about it and on the day you finally turned seven he went to your house and spent it with you, so that way, you would not feel as lonely.

-

2012

Rafe was starting to change, he did not want to play with you anymore and that made you sad and upset. Your mom told you it was normal for boys to not hang out with girls once they grew up, but that wasn't him, it didn't felt like him. You never thought that the boy who was your best friend, the only kid you really enjoyed being around, especially after Sarah hang with more friends that were not you, would leave you alone.

You started to search for fun on other stuff and found that you loved to read stories about wonderful adventures, and when you finished every single book in your house about the topic, you started to flip through the pages of some old books regarding birds and insects, you were amazed by the stunning draws and colors of them and wanted to make your own.

For your ninth birthday you decided to do an exchange, it was difficult to convince your parents but they finally gave in, instead of a party you wanted them to give you a pretty journal with some color pencils. That way you would have your own investigation diary about those interesting creatures you were obsessed about.

Summer had ended and school season started, you and your little notebook were inseparable, you took it with you to class and spent all the recess doing little notes about birds you had seen during the day so when you arrived home you could search and learn about them.

One cold winter night, your dad told you that the Cameron's were coming home to have dinner, you couldn't wait for them to arrive, maybe that was the moment you had the opportunity to befriend Sarah again and show Rafe all the information you had collected during the months you didn't hang out. But they never appeared, their parents had gone but not them, Sarah was not feeling well and Rafe was sleeping over at a friend's house.

-

2014

Sarah was talking to you! you were friends again and there was no way you would not see each other every single day.

Spending every minute of the day over at her house was completely normal at that point. You two hanging out again made your families closer.

It was like your parents didn't care at all you were just a pair of ten years old, almost eleven, kids.

Rafe would always try to be with his sister and you whenever you were around at their house, but Sarah would just scream at him 'LEAVE US ALONE!' which ended in him giving up and walking away. It was sad, you missed spending time with the boy.

2014 was the year you turned eleven, and also had your first period. Everyone was so excited about that and you just hated it, with your whole heart, it made you want to cry every single time. Due to that, your body started to change, and boys started to notice it, including Rafe.

-

2016

The year it all started.

It was your thirteenth birthday and you did not felt like doing a big party, that night the Cameron's and your family went to a restaurant. Sarah, Rafe, and you were talking about what you were going to do the next week while Wheezie just listened. Finally, the boy and you were good friends again. When the food arrived you all shut up and started eating while paying attention to what your parents were talking about.

"oh yeah, of course, they are definitely getting married at some point," Ward said to what your father nodded.

"it's the best for them" this time your mom spoke.

"of course it is!" Rose laughed, "he will be taking care of the family business, they are going to have a splendid life together"

"Who are you talking about?" Rafe got into the conversation.

"we are talking about you silly!" you looked at your mom, not understanding what was going on.

"wha- what?" Rafe was just as surprised as Sarah and you were.

"yeah kid, we are talking about yours and y/n's future together" Ward stated as taking a piece of meat to his mouth.

"what exactly do you mean?" you stepped in this time.

"what you heard kid, your future life, your marriage, and all" your dad said as if it was the most normal thing to say to a thirteen-year-old.

"their marriage?!" Sarah was furious, you could notice it in her voice tone, Rafe and you stared at each other.

"you just are too young to realize yet" Rose brushed it off. None of you talked for the rest of the night.

Just a few months after that, your dad and Ward had already made a reservation for you two at the exact same restaurant. When you arrived you saw Rafe already there in a table positioned in a corner. Now looking back at it, everything was so fucked up, you were just kids. You approached him and sat, he smiled at you while you did.

"hi", he said, shyly, of course. It was really weird, you both had been alone before but never this way, this was completely different, your families were hoping that you turned this into something romantic. "Are we on a date right now?".

"i think so?" you laughed a little bit, "please, don't make this awkward, i don't get why they do this".

"i do" he said, you looked at him with a confused face, was he agreeing with all of this? "i mean, i can see why they want us to be together" after that he took a sip of his soda and started serving you some.

"Rafe, you should be allowed to 'date' whoever you wanted"

"And what happens if who i wanna date is you?" you were shocked at your friend's words.

"Rafe what are you talking about? i just turned thirteen and you are about to turn fourteen, you like it or not we are kids" you were a little bit mad due to what he was saying.

"well, Juliet was thirteen and Romeo was around that age"

"Rafe you did- you did not just compare us to Romeo and Juliet, have you read the book?"

"no, i did not"

"THEY DIE, THEY DIE AT THE END" you knew you were making this a lot bigger than it actually was but didn't care about it, "of course you didn't read the book" you whispered but he heard.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" now that you're remembering everything you can't believe that a pair of thirteen years old could be so dramatic.

"I MEAN WHAT I SAID," you said while leaning over the table.

"you know what, why don't we shut up and finish with this as fast as we can, i don't want to be here" Rafe proposed.

"sounds perfect to me, i do not want to be here too"

Either of you spoke again until you had had dinner and Ward picked you two up.

-

2018 / 2019

In the past two years, Rafe and you had finally got together. Your parents were over the moon about it and you were also really happy. You both were discovering and experiencing together what being in a relationship was.

The first months were a little bit strange, you both knew that it was not a real relationship, for everyone else you were together, but in reality, you hadn't had that many kisses as you thought you were supposed to have and outside school didn't see each other that much.

Summer '18 the Cameron's took you with them on their holidays to the Bahamas, it was amazing, not just because Rafe and you spent a lot of time together but also because you got to hang more with Sarah who you were not seeing a lot since it all started, and the reason was that whenever you went to their house you were with her brother, and they definitely didn't get along that much.

Unfortunately, the 'real' part began in 2019, you and Rafe turned sixteen and started going to parties and being more around of what people called 'pogues'. During the school year, it was like a daydream, he picked you up and went together, you had lots of dates and spent beautiful moments together, those were the times when your relationship was at it's highest, where you realized that, after all, maybe your parents were right and your destiny was, indeed, be together.

Your favorite moment from that time in your life was with him. You both were laying in the grass of your house's backyard, it was really cold outside, and decided to take some blankets with you to be warm. You were laying in his chest while he hugged you, appreciating the stars. He pressed a kiss to your head and you smiled to yourself.

"wanna know something?" you looked up to him.

"pretty boy is thinking! someone please record this!" you said, just to annoy him.

"shut up" he laughed, knowing you were messing with him, "you want to know or no baby?" he asked, a more serious tone on his voice.

"of course i want to know" you took his hand into yours, the warmness made you shiver, to what he hugged you harder.

"i read on the internet that you can buy stars online, maybe one day i'll buy you one and name it Rafe so whenever you wanna get rid of me you would not be able to" the boy started swinging you side to side in a slow speed, you'd never felt that peaceful in your life before.

Once again you looked at him "that's a little bit wicked of you" he giggled, "however, i think that would be the most divine present someone could ever give to me" he backed down his head and kissed your cheek, "and also, i'm never getting rid of you" you could feel him smiling while pressing his chin against the side of your head.

That was the last happy time you genuinely can remember at perfection.

You still don't know what happened when summer '19 arrived, it was the breaking point of your relationship. Parties at the beach were being held by pogues most of the time, and you never went because partying was not your thing, all of them ended up in disaster, pure and authentic disaster. You are grateful the only one you went to was the first one. Rafe was extremely drunk and you were trying to take care of him but it was being hard, especially when Topper got into a really intense fight with JJ and John b, two of the few pogues you knew, it was tragic and it got worse when the blonde one pulled a gun at Sarah's boyfriend head, while all that happened you lost Rafe and found him after like five minutes beating up someone that was on the ground, barely moving. You ran towards him and with all your straighten you push him.

"YOU'RE KILLING HIM RAFE!" you yelled at your boyfriend, when you finally got to see him he was covered in blood, you took him by his hand and got out of there, arriving at your house where you helped him clean up himself.

"i think i'm in love with you" he tried to say but was too drunk to pronounce the words properly.

"don't start with that now when you almost killed a random guy tonight, for what? explain" you were furious.

"'cause he is a pogue, he deserves it y/n" you both walked to your bed and laid down to sleep.

"no he doesn't Rafe, that's not an excuse for what you did, they are people just like us" you scolded him.

"whatever" he ignored you.

Some time after that Sarah started to see John B behind Topper's back and she asked you to keep her secret safe, which you did.

At midsummers Rafe escorted you, it was a fantastic night, you two were together the whole time and drank lots of expensive champagne while you danced. The pride on your dad's face was priceless, in that moment you forgot about what had happened a few nights before and just enjoyed the moment, smiling at your boyfriend, always.

"you wanna know something?" Rafe whispered in your ear while you danced to a slow song, his hands on your waist and yours behind his neck.

"mmm, this brings back good memories" you smiled to the handsome man in front of you.

"i love you"

"i love you too Rafe"

"let me finish pretty girl" you laughed a little bit, "please stop smiling like that, i'm not sure what will happen if you keep doing that" this time your laugh was stronger, getting some looks from people around you.

"i'm just really happy right now, wouldn't want to be anywhere else" you hugged him without stop moving.

"i know, me too"

A few minutes after he disappeared, and you did not have an excuse to stay so you went home. The next day you found out he was trying to beat up the blonde pogue, JJ.

You don't really know why but for some reason it went away and everything was perfect again, but it only lasted a few days.

You were really bored at your house and after contemplating whether you should or shouldn't go to the Cameron's house, you got into your car and drove around the few blocks that separated your house from Rafe's. You knew his parents were out of town that day and Sarah was probably hanging out with John B and his friends so you didn't bother on knocking and just got in. You heard your boyfriend's voice from the downstairs bathroom. Once you got into it you saw his clothes on the floor and he was applying toothpaste to his arm.

"Rafe?" he looked at you scared.

"y/n- i- i" he was crying, you directed your eyes to his arm, a huge new burnt was there.

"Rafe what happened?" you got closer to him, "is that blood?" you pointed at the clothes on the floor.

"no", he denied it but it obviously was blood.

"Rafe, what's going on?"

"i- i got into a fight" ha answered.

"with who? baby who did this?" you helped him with his injury.

"Barry" but as soon as you heard that name you pulled away.

"Barry? as the drug dealer Barry?" he didn't even look at you, "Rafe are you doing drugs?" completely ignored you, and when he did that you figured out the answer, "how much do you owe him?" you asked, one hand on you waist and the other one on the bathroom door.

"some thousands" your jaw almost touched the floor, and your face was full of disappointment and anger. "don't look at me like that" he begged, and tried to grabbed you and pulled you closer to him but you just pulled him away.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?" he didn't reply "FUCK RAFE, THOUSANDS? YOU OWED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO A DRUG DEALER AND YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY CALM?"

"i can explain."

"NO YOU CAN'T, WHAT? TOPPER AND YOU GOT BORED OF THE STUPID WEED AND WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING STRONGER? WHAT DID YOU BUY? COKE? NOW YOUR HOBBY IS BUY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON COKE? THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN TO M-"

"GET OUT" he screamed to your face as he got closer to your body, while pointing to the door, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DAMN HOUSE" you looked at him and turned away, walking towards the door and he didn't follow you.

"HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE RAFE" you screamed without closing the door.

After that you didn't see him in a long time, you didn't go out of your house anymore.

You heard that Sarah and John B were missing, you missed her. You had no one to talk to, just your own thoughts.

A few weeks later, everything came out to the light, Ward went to jail for killing John B's dad and being kinda responsible for another poor man's death.

Rafe confessed that it had been him the one who shot the detective, but they found out about his drug addiction and blamed it on that, so he ended up going to rehabilitation and not directly to jail.

-

2021

It was your eighteenth birthday, Sarah was coming to your house to keep you company until your parents got out of work.

As you were walking towards the kitchen the doorbell rang.

"hi" you said as opening the door.

"hello, is this y/n?" the man in front of you asked while reading your name from a box.

"that would be me" you said, and after signing some papers he gave you the package.

You placed it on the table and started opening it. It seemed like a picture frame, when you paid attention to it, tears fell from your eyes, there was a little letter on it.

i did not name it after me, i realized that you were, are, and always will be the big star that keeps me going. I hope you know how much i miss you and regret everything i did, maybe one day you'll forgive me and love me again. I took that for granted and i'm so sorry of that. happy eighteen birthday y/n, i expect you still think this is the most divine present someone could ever give you.

- Rafe

It was a star, he had bought a star and named it after you, Rafe kept his promise, and even though you had said to yourself, just the night before, you will move on and forget about him, you couldn't help but smile; wishing you could re-do everything and go back to what it was that night from a few years before.