#i was just beginning to think that i might be aroace cause i have never had a crush on someone | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ukranianacearo · 5 months ago

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Everybody's falling in love, while I'm falling behind

Aroace!Reader, no pronouns mentioned

Tw: angst/no comfort

Pairing: Mitsuya -> Aroace!Reader

Synopsis: Mitsuya's friends always tease him for not seeming to be attracted to someone. The truth is, he has fallen in love way long ago, when he still was a teen, but the person he loves doesn't reciprocate his feelings. In fact, the person can't feel anything like that at all.

Genre: Hurt without comfort

Author's note: just wanted to write this because I was bored lol More under the cut

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Mitsuya knew it all well since the beginning, but he still managed to fall for you. Oh you, so beautiful yet so unreachable. You always seemed to know so much and he's sure that you know about his feelings for you, maybe you knew about them even for longer than he did. Guilt always seemed to take place on your face when everyone teased Mitsuya about not falling in love. But you always brushed it off and joined in the teasing.

On one particular day, he overheard your conversation with Emma. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, he swears. It just so happened that Mikey asked him to look for Emma.

- "So, do you still think he's in love with you?" - Emma's voice could be heard clearly from where he stood, behind a wall, while you and her sat on a bench.

- "Do you mean Mitsuya? I don't know... I hope that not. It would be very sad if he did." - You voice was like a beautiful melody to Mitsuya's ears, but your words were the cruel lyrics that accompanied the melody. He knows it; he knows it's most probably impossible for you to love him like he loved you. But he hoped. Hoped for nothing. Call it desperation or foolishness, it still wouldn't change the situation.

- "Yeah, it would be. But it seemed to me that he started to fall out of love." - How could he? When it's you who he has fallen for. He must be a fool to not love you.

- "I hope so. I really wouldn't like to have to tell him directly that I don't love him." - Mitsuya couldn't understand this feeling yet, but his chest felt uncomfortable. Breathing became more difficult, but he tried to calm himself. He still had to call Emma. Finally calming his breathing, he relaxed his face the best he could and walked out of his hideaway as if he wasn't just standing there for the last minute and something.

- "Yo, Emma. Mikey's calling you." - He said with his signature smile on his face and in the most casual voice possible. His eyes were closed, so that he wouldn't look at you right now, because he just might shatter; his right hand in the pocket of his uniform and his other hand in a punch with the thumb out, pointing at the direction where Mikey is.

Years went by since that moment, but his love for you haven't faltered. And in all honesty, it might just be the most devastating and the most beautiful thing ever. Your beauty and talent in art always inspires him for new designs, but the knowledge that he'll never be the strongest inspiration for you will always put him on his knees, and not for the good reasons. Since the day he overheard your conversation with Emma, he tried to treat you just like he treats everyone. But it was difficult. Because it was you. His ultimate curse and blessing was loving you. You were like the forbidden fruit, so beautiful yet so lethal for those who love you. And you were not someone easy to fool, yet you tried to believe that he didn't love you no more. So did he, but he knew better than to lie to himself.

- "The first love will always be sad in some way." - His mother told him once in a soft voice, when he told her why he was feeling down. But what is he supposed to do when his "first love" is the only love he has for someone?

- "Everybody's falling in love, while I'm falling behind" - Was his answer to his mother's words. Her gaze expressed sorrow for his son's unrequired love, but she hoped it would pass soon. But it never did. 'Cause the sun is engaged to the sky. And Draken married Emma. While he is only getting older, longing for someone who can't come.

He always hoped for someone to call his since little and when you came into his life, he thought that he finally had that someone. But life is unfair. So now everybody's falling in love, while he's falling behind.

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HAPPY PRIDE MONTH AND MEN'S HEALTH AWARENESS TO EVERYONE it's funny how I started writing this months ago, and just now I had the feeling to finish it lol anyway, I hope you liked it, there's one more personal idea to write and my requests will be open xD also AROACE INVASION I'll moot everyone who's aroace/aromantic/asexual/ase spec/aro spec on here and tiktok (anime_s)

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feathers-silly-rambles · 7 months ago

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Random Alastor headcanon

I like to think he cries blood (*cough cough* my last post- *cough cough*). I mean- Mostly for aesthetic purposes and because hes just edgy like that buuuuut...

I got some rambles under the cut that would help it fit into the shows lore better.

This might get long-

So we've been told a few things determine a persons appearance when they die. Their death, the way they lived their life, and aspects about themselves that they hate tend to be amplified.

And another hc of mine (which I think a lot of the fandom shares, but I haven't seen it directly confirmed?) is that Alastor hates crying. He sees it as a sign of weakness, so he avoids it at all costs. In life, he would keep himself from crying for that reason, even if he was alone.

Now as a result of this, he cries blood after his death. Tears are see through, so you can easily wipe them away and even if they smear, they're typically not noticeable afterwards. Blood however, is not that easy to hide. You'd have to wipe your face far more or wash it entirely to get it away. This would make his crying far more noticeable. Whether or not people piece together that his bleeding eyes signals hes crying likely wouldn't matter, so the 'amplify traits one hates' rule is probably only to cause the individual themselves annoyance/anger/distress over it.

That being said, imagine the potential for throwing misery at this man. Everyone's favorite thing to do! :D

I mean- Imagine he has some sort of breakdown. He can't hide it when hes only given a few moments because blood smears. Someone like Rosie sees him and gets concerned because his eyes are bleeding. He knows what it means but he sure as hell isn't about to let anyone else find out. Only problem is that refusing to explain the real reason behind it leads her to think hes hurt or something.

And imagine how he'd feel when she inevitably found out! He'd flip shit. He hates showing the slightest shred of vulnerability, and while I strongly believe he tends to relax around Rosie, he probably still wouldn't want her to see him cry, because why would he ever do that? No doubt shed piece it together eventually, and if she didn't straight up ask him or tell him shed figured it out, he'd figure out that she knew eventually anyway. Neither of them are stupid.

He would 100% have some sort of breakdown about that- I mean, it probably takes a lot to make him cry to begin with (since having a large wound across his chest and a crisis about friendship didn't do the trick-), but hes been in Hell for like- 90ish years? And (at least I like to think so) hes probably known Rosie throughout most of that time, no way he'd never cry once in that time, and no way she wouldn't see it.

TLDR: Alastor cries blood because he hates crying and would avoid it (not confirmed). This makes it harder for him to hide it since you can't wipe away blood as easy as you can tears. Rosie (or another close friend) finding out or seeing this has major angst potential.

If there's any art/writing or anything that portrays anything like this, I would love to see it. Please let me know if you've seen anything that is like- similar to this. My only request would be that it avoids anything relating to s*x or romance (I'm s*x repulsed aroace, so those things make me obscenely uncomfortable).

#hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #feathers rambling #God I'm so weird #Is this like- a common thought/hc?#Please #I need to know if other people think about this too #This is really just a post because I didn't want to put all of it into the tags of my last one-#And I wanna write out my thoughts #Alastor is my silly shakable menace #I wanna shake him like a snowglobe #I wanna throw him at the wall and then make Rosie comfort him

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csb-writes · 1 year ago

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Writeblr Intro

Welcome to all the bastard children of the Gods, princesses, psychonauts, and modern cryptids.

This chaos is something you'll get used to if you stick around.

I go by Cam, Cameron, or hey you over there because I was never given nicknames. My pronouns are they/he and I'm a disabled queer writer, poet, witch, college student, and small business owner.

About Me

I came out when I was 18 as genderfluid and oriented aroace (sex-repulsed, romance neutral).

I started taking writing seriously during the whole 2020 situation when I needed an escape to deal with some ~spicy feelings~.

My favorite genres to read are YA and NA fiction, fantasy, sci-fi, romance, and dystopian.

Anything that serves "call of the void" vibes, features 9000 shades of grey morals, or has characters actually face repercussions for decisions, I'm interested in.

My current book fandoms are Percy Jackson, Heroes of Olympus, and The Hunger Games. Some books that don't have official fandoms but I love anyway are Mr. 60%, Follow Me Back, and Here Lies Daniel Tate.

Other fandoms I'm a card carrying member of are Taylor Swift, Chloe Ament, Addison Grace, HTTYD, Criminal Minds, ATLA, TLOK, The Dragon Prince, and SPOP.

I'm currently reading Six of Crows for the first time, and I'm always down to make friends even if I am terrible about replying to messages.

About My Writing and WIPs

I've got 10 WIPs that are in various stages of production, nine of which belong to a collection, and one that was a fanfic that became original when I accidentally changed too much.

So I'll start with the only book that is not a part of that collection-- aka the ex-fanfic: SFRP. A multimedia queer tragedy told through letters, short stories, paintings, and prose. In comparison to some of my other stories, this one is light but I made myself cry for the first time in about two years while writing the plot, so do with that information what you wish. Trigger warnings include death, medical trauma, discussion of past abuse, substance abuse, and grief.

Fates Intertwined

This one's the collection, with two trilogies as bookends and three stand-alones in the middle. It's a NA generational fantasy featuring your traditional supernatural races that I've tweaked with my own ideas to give them some originality.

EIT. Featuring two rival Werewolf Packs and their respective heirs, dealing with where we draw the line between murder and self-defense. A mystery, corruption, destroyed found family, and fake marriage all come into play for Marcus and Faeth when they decide to dig deeper. Trigger Warnings: on-page DV, talk of CSA, grief, substance abuse, and murder.

GEA. Deep into their investigation of the death, Mark and Faeth are running out of time. The mismatching answers to their questions need to start lining up, or they risk losing all the progress they've made-- in the case, and with each other. Trigger Warnings: on-page DV, talk of CSA, grief, substance abuse, discussion of SH behaviors, and homophobia.

EAE. Eight years have passed, and too much has changed. But new information coming to light means they might finally have the chance they just barely missed. With old feelings bubbling up, Mark and Faeth have to keep it together one more time. Trigger Warnings: discussion of past murders, discussion of SH behaviors, grief, and homophobia.

IWWC. Begins the new generation and the three stand-alone books of the collection. Thomas didn't think that coming out would cause so many problems, but all it takes is one picture going viral. Trigger Warnings: homophobia, near-death experiences.

LAM. The darkest of the stand-alone books, and possibly of the whole collection. When Zach's fucks up bigger than ever, his punishment becomes a mission. Trigger Warnings: parentification of a child, abandonment, neglect, the mistreatment of patients in psychiatric facilities, gaslighting.

TBG. The last of the stand-alones, and while much lighter than LAM, TBG is not a light story. Grace knows her place and her future, or so she thought... until she meets Jess, and stumbles into a world of corruption. Trigger Warnings: homophobia, imprisonment, physical abuse and SA, medical trauma.

AHL. Begins the second trilogy and winds down the end of the collection as I currently have it planned. Being raised to hunt Supernaturals, Blair is hellbent on revenge, and she'll do just about anything to get it. So what happens when she realizes her worldview has been twisted into something that's not accurate? Trigger Warnings: cult membership, murder, kidnapping, medical experimentation.

AHS. Tyler never thought that he'd even be working with a Hunter, much less living with one. It doesn't help that said Hunter is not making things easy.

ATB. I may or may not have started planning this one... but it's here.

Eventually I'll post individual introductions for all of these, but for now, that's all I have!

#writeblr #creative writing #writeblr intro #writeblr introduction #writeblr community #queer writers #disabled writer #author intro

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cosplayprincess21 · 2 years ago

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I posted 471 times in 2022

140 posts created (30%)

331 posts reblogged (70%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@acilykos-art

@disasterpersonified

@im-surviving-off-of-tea11

@the-ancient-ocean

@headphonemouse

I tagged 226 of my posts in 2022

#dr stone - 176 posts

#dcst - 168 posts

#dr. stone - 151 posts

#drst - 127 posts

#gen asagiri - 72 posts

#asagiri gen - 72 posts

#ryusui nanami - 59 posts

#senku ishigami - 54 posts

#kohaku - 51 posts

#nanami ryusui - 42 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#seriously ive rewatched dr.stone. how i met your mother. the originals and moriarty the patriot multiple times now

My Top Posts in 2022:

Senku hcs

Oh this shall be fun

Realizes he's aromantic asexual in middle school. Everyone else was going on about romance and dating and all that other stuff, and all he cared about was science.

Was the one lecturing people in elementary school about why certain super powers can't be real and crushed the hopes and dreams of those wanting lazer vision

Would secretly leave Taiju money or other things he needed but pretended he had no idea where they came from

Since hes the definition of aroace, his gaydar is never wrong

Tried to figure out if he could turn himself into a robot as a kid, it did not work

Speaking of robots, he had robot pj's up until he was 11 in which he traded them for science ones

His experiments would make stay up late into the night, so naturally, he developed a taste for energy drinks.

At night he will sometimes think of Byakuya and remember all the memories he has with his dad, he might try to act like the man was embarrassing and all, but deep down hes a kid who never got to say goodbye to his dad

The only two people he can fully confide in are Taiju and Yuzuirha

While its common for kids who are adopted to want to know about their biological parents, he doesnt. He had Byakuya after all, and Byakuya is his dad, nothing else matters.

Hope you like them. Senku is a very fun character to make headcanons for.

45 notes - Posted March 28, 2022

no one in Dr.STONE is an autistic retard so why do you plan to make a post about it? just cause you're retarded doesnt mean they are

congrats you got me to use Tumblr Desktop instead of my phone because im going to have a lot to say.

First of all, fuck off with the R word here, its an outdated and harmful term thats rooted in Ableism. Secondly i was going to ignore this and delete it when i saw the first line but then you also decided to insult me so you know enjoy getting your ass handed to you.

But whats wrong with noticing that certain characters in Dr.STONE are ASD coded? Like everyone accepts that Ryusui has ADHD but being autistic is something bad right? News Flash it isnt. Also show me where in the manga that Sai and Yuzuriha dont show traits of autism? i feel explaining to you would be a waste of energy but just know this is only going to make my post on it even longer cause holy fuck the beginning will now have a rant about people like you. Do me a favor and never send an ask here again and kindly fuck off.

Also this comment really pissed me off and i was going to focus on just Sai and Yuzuriha but now im gonna add Magma,Senku and Ruri to this as well cause ive also been seeing them as ASD coded but have been keeping that to myself.

47 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

so i finished fmab

sobbing crying wailing etc it was SO GOOD and completely destroyed me at the same time fhjfjkfjhfkjhsahjsdjhfkjdjghdkjsk definitely the anime of all time

welcome to the world of FMAB. The obsession will never leave, and the pain gets worse with every rewatch. But with that also comes seeing little things you never noticed before which makes the series even better.

47 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

Ok so ill be posting about the final chapter soon but. IM SO HAPPY SENKU DIDNT GET ANY LOVE INTERESTS. HES AROACE AND STAYS AROACE HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

54 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ok but i really need to know what people have against aroace characters? Like theres nothing wrong with any character being aroace but for some reason it just causes others to be so upset and for what? Ive seen it with mostly One Piece and The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. Luckily havent seen it as much with Dr.STONE or at least on tumblr. The number of people ive blocked on tiktok for getting upset about Senku being CANONICALLY aroace is ridiculous. But yeah can someone just explain this to me? Cause aroace exist and we do deserve to have our representation in media and not in the "oh im rude because im aroace and thats my only personality" way. But in a way where we ardnt dehumanized for not feeling romantic or sexual attraction.

331 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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dameronalone · 5 months ago

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6, 7 and 1 for the pride game asks for the one and only beloved Ilya Zephanir?

aaahhhh thanks nymie 🧡

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

i think mostly zeph.. doesn't really care. like, not in an antagonistic way. she's just ambivalent about it. she doesn't really use labels for herself (and truthfully finds them confusing) so as long as she like, knows your pronouns, and preferred gender if she's setting up a blind date (or trying to get intel out of you), she doesn't care what you call yourself.

(she and poe once had a. almost a game of chicken after poe used the "you can call me anything just don't call me late for dinner" line and for almost an entire week she used different pronouns for him every time she had a conversation, until their instructors told them to cut it out because they were confusing everyone.)

7. Is there something that could cause your oc to question their identity? What?

scratches head thoughtfully. if anything it was poe (again) and realizing she's not completely romance averse. like, she was always "more" aromantic than anything. she'd do sex sometimes bc it was fun but in a very asexual, "I just feel like it" way, not "I have GOT to get laid" way. but she didn't do romantic relationships (one of the reasons she and poe didn't get together right away, even though he probably would've loved that)

it takes longer for her to warm up to romance than most people, longer than most people are willing to wait for, if they're interested in her, and nobody was ever interested in her or friends with her long enough to test that theory. and she was fine with that, but the realization that she had romantic feelings for poe was more like, mind boggling, and not even necessarily in the usual friends to lovers mind boggling way, just the like- tf I not only want to have that but I actively have romantic feelings??

but it's pretty much just poe (and maybe volya) so its like, is it even worth it to call her demiromantic? it's just easier to say aroace.

(and all THAT being said, this is just a side note, but like as she is aroace, and possibly whatever gender fuckery she's got going on, gender of the other person was never really something she put a lot thought into. if she had to put a name to it, it'd probably be pan, but that still feels unnatural)

1. What's your oc's gender identity? What's their relationship to their gender?

I think, if anything, Zeph would relate more to the concept of autigender than anything. it's not that she necessarily experiences gender dysphoria, it's more of a reaction to thr world around her and how they treat her and what is expecting.

growing up the way she did, fairly isolated just by nature of living with her grandfather and him being a spacer, she didn't really get to interact with other children in longterm meaningful ways (also there was the fact that they were doing their best to avoid the empire) so zeph didn't really have anything - I'm realizing she might just be agender. like a combination of the two.

shes just zeph. I don't think she necessarily likes above all else she/her pronouns it's just- like there's not a better option so she just sticks with what she was given. it's not really until she starts having to fend for herself that she begins to like, truly be confronted with society and gender and the construct and it was more like a weirded out sensation than outright dysphoria.

but she doesn't mind feminine terms when coming from her family. like, she's poes wife, she's the kids mom, etc.

pride themed oc asks

#ask game #zeph tag #nym

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erigold13261 · 5 months ago

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How do queerplatonic relationships work? Are they different from regular friendships? Because I’ve seen them with stuff like a lesbian Heather being with Alejandro.

Heather and Alejandro from Total Drama? Neat!

And yea, to me, technically a lesbian can be in a QPR with anyone because it is more like a committed and intimate friendship (or just relationship) in a SIMILAR way a romantic partner is.

That is probably not the most correct way of explaining it, but to me, that is how I see QPRs (since I'm pretty sure it is a very loose label).

Like I would want a QPR for me to be with a friend who I have been with for years and want to spend my life with them, but I have no romantic feelings at all for them. I don't really feel romance for real people (fictional is an entirely different story), and it would also not be a physical relationship, but it would be very intimate in different ways such as through trust, sharing stuff I would never share with anyone else, and wanting to spend my life with them all in the same way most people want to spend with a romantic partner.

This is how I personally see a QPR. Other people might see it in a different way. Some people might have sex with their QPR because they don't view sex as anything intimate or special (kinda the same way Friends with Benefits work for quite a few people).

I think it is kinda in the same area as polyamoury. At least that is what I would see it as. When I was in a relationship before figuring out I was AroAce, I told my partner that he could go get his sex from anyone else, just let me know and I'd be fine with it. I didn't want a sexual relationship at all, and we barely touched. I made it well known I was like this and we basically stayed in the same dynamic we had before getting into a relationship.

Which I think is what caused the downfall of our relationship and friendship, or was at least a factor in it. Other stuff was at play, but we were not compatible in this area as I don't believe (at the time at least) that either of us could properly have multiple partners without neglecting the other person (as when he did get another partner, it was another emotional bond instead of just a physical one or both physical and emotional).

Anyway, that is kinda drifting away from the topic but not really, since I still kept that relationship platonic even though the beginnings of the relationship were designated as a "normal" relationship so we both had a misunderstanding.

That being said, yes, I think a lesbian Heather could be in a QPR with Alejandro. You don't have to be sexually attracted to your QPR partner to be in that kind of relationship (I think if you are sexually attracted then that might not be a QPR, at least to me it isn't fully one, but like I said the label is pretty vague kinda because it just states QPRs are without romantic attraction and some people view romance and sex as completely different. This is just a general note, not a note specifically for this relationship example).

So yea, I can see a version of Heather who wants to spend the rest of her life, or a good majority of her life, with Alejandro in it even without having any romantic feelings for him.

Some people (like me) see QPRs as more as an extra stage to a friendship, some see it differently from friendships entirely but also different from romantic relationships. Even when I've done research on this label I still get confused with it because it seems to change and be very forgiving, so really it's what you make of it.

Again, that is at least how I take the label. Other people have different definitions for what intimate actions are and what romantic feelings are which is why I think it's hard to pinpoint one solid variation of how a QPR should be structured as (which I think is a good thing).

#eritalks #noart #asks #it's been a bit since i was asked about queer identities like this #it's nice!#the queer community is pretty messy #especially when it comes to some labels #and i love talking about those #to the best of my knowledge at least #:3

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thethiefandtheairbender · 9 months ago

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Thank you so much for answering my anchor question.

I’m happy to see aro rep but I think I’ll headcanon Myuna to be bi if that’s ok. I hope she ends up with Chen though. I’m a sucker for romance.

I stopped watching the dragon prince after season 4 cause I disliked season 4 so much. I’m afraid of picking up season 5. I loved the first 3 seasons though especially season 3 had lots of rayllum scenes.

Honestly I’m tempted to rewatch the whole thing just to get to the pirate arc. I remember loving Callum and Rayla as a couple in season 3 but again season 4 really wasn’t my cup of tea.

I think she can definitely be a bi oriented aroace (I don't think the gender of her partners would matter to her) so why not both? I'm pan and ace and aro spec myself!

Honestly I loved S4 but that's because I liked what it did with stuff theme / character wise (i.e. love isn't always good and you will do awful things for the people you love), and I always expected Callum and Rayla to begin to have to jump the hurdle of "Rayla's trauma makes her hyperindependent and that's detrimental to her core relationships" so I like that we're finally getting to it cause I'd been waiting for it since like s2. It's not the happiest part of their arc by far but it's absolutely something they've always needed to address. (I also like filler and I think S4 was a great season for Ezran). I know most people (even ones who didn't like S4) LOVE s5 and have it as their favourite or 2nd favourite season (usually with s2 or s3 as their other fave); it's my second favourite as well after s3 and S5 has my favourite Rayllum scenes / development by far.

These are just some of my fave moments from the first two episodes and I don't want to give away more spoilers but like. S5 is so freaking good on like all counts but particularly for these two, and I cannot wait to see where everything goes - it does a great job at offering pay off for S4, developing its own thing, and steering things ahead for S6. Also has some of the most interesting imagery / development for the show thus far in terms of dreams/nightmares, and Kim'Dael is a treat all on her own as an antagonist in the Sunfire elf plot line

Some of my best stuff on AO3 is also just post S4 if you're interested like "older but just never wiser" and "this fall just might kill me" both of which ended up being predictive of S5 in some ways, which is just chef's kiss

#thanks for asking #anonymous #i almost changed their otp tag bc of this season #to a different quote that i still think i like more than #otp: the most amazing person i've ever met #but it's also a parallel in the exact way i was hoping for & i just know s6 will deliver even harder #otp: it was always her

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aroaceconfessions · 2 years ago

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Uh hello, I'm kinda questioning... so i think I need advice or something,

I think I found a label that kinda fits but I don't know if it's fair to call myself aspec/under the asexual umbrella

But I'm gonna start from the beginning so this will make sense,

Ps: this got long so I'm gonna cut some parts and make some bullet points instead

When I was 8 I chose who to have a crush on

When I was 12 I joined a very gay fandom and shipped gay people (helped me stopped being homophobic)

"But I wasn't gay"

When I was like 13 every day on the bus I was thinking of this one girl

And I was like I can't be gay

And I had a whole list on my brain of why "I wasn't allowed to be gay"

Till a friend of mine came out as bi when we were like 13-14, and I realized that if they're allowed to just be Then There's no invisible wall forbidding me

And I did too, I came out to a few people as bi

When I was 12 I had a crush on a boy, once my friend pretended to like him to see my reaction(cause it was my 1st crush while they had a different one every week) and I had deleted my feelings after a 45 minutes class, but she just told me it was a joke but, I already like, felt nothing?

I've had a couple of crushes over the years, it actually takes me a long time to figure out "Oh hey this might be a crush" and most of my crushes, they were just random people from school, that I've never talked to and I didn't actually wanted to? Like that's my crush ok. End of story, no biggie

I only had a crush on a friend once, and I never told anyone about it. This was like when I was 15, and I recently (im 17 now) found out they have an online gf and I didn't felt any kind of jealously one might expect to feel, I'm happy for them

The thing with my crushes is, fictional characters? I usually love the boys, real people? Usually Girls that look gay

I think what mostly makes me question whether I'm fully bi, is that I related a little too much to Georgia Warr from Loveless by Alice Oseman (for anyone that doesn't know the book is about Georgia figuring out her identity as aroace)

One of my main suspicions is a photo, it was from an actor I really liked a few years ago, he was shirtless and all the comments were like "😍😍🔥🔥🥵🤩hot" and the first time I saw it I was like yeah, but then I saw the same photo a week later and I was like ew why is he shirtless get dressed dude, and I was confused with the same comments I saw and agreed a week ago

Also, some of the fictional characters i love I say I'm in love with them, but I don't actually want to "date" anyone (like my friends do) and 9/10 I ship the characters with someone

And I recently found out what Aceflux is

I would explain it as "on/off sexual attraction" that's how I understand it, at least. I don't know if/how much I'm wrong. I can't find a lot about it online

When I think about it, I'm not sure what I find "hot" sometimes I see someone and I'm like oh hot but not like in a "I wanna sleep with them hot"

I'm 17 and I've never been in a relationship or anything,

And while its sounds cool and all, I'm doing fine single yknow? I'm not actively looking for a relationship like most people seem to be doing

I've been questioning with the Aceflux label for a while now, it just makes sense,

Things I've done/thought in the past make more sense if an "on/off sexuality" is an option

but I feel like a fraud if I do use it and call myself that

Google is like "mostly on the asexual spectrum but sometimes allo"

What if it's a mix? What if I'm more allo than Aceflux? Or actually I'm not even sure anymore?? Idk I think I experience sexual attraction like 10 minutes a week when I see something on the internet that seems fancy

Is there a way to measure it?

Would it be unfair to use that label?

I don't even know anymore

Also, bc I've got double questions how? Romantic people? Demiromantic? How different? Like do people get Romantic feelings instantly?how? what? I don't understand

I'm questioning everything at this point

Only my gender, which I figured out at 15, seems to be safe...for now

#asexual #ace #acespec #aspec #aceflux #demiromantic #aromantic #aroace #arospec #aroacespec #arose

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ursaspecter · 2 years ago

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Random DP headcanons in no particular order

I'm tired and got pains hitting me so I couldn't be bothered to organize this. I'll get a better sorted collection up on my neocities website eventually. These are my headcanons and they may contradict canon oops. Also I don't really keep up with a lot of fanon sorry.

-Ok just gonna get all The Gender ones out of the way first. Danny and Vlad are trans men, Sam is bigender, Dani is a demigirl, and Johnny 13 is a he/him lesbian.

-Danny and Valerie are bi, Tucker is ace, and Sam is pan. Vlad and Jack are both bi, and they and Maddie are polyamorous (but not all together. Yet). Jazz is aroace. Star is a lesbian. Johnny 13 and Kitty are lesbians.

-Paulina is a bit of a film buff and I think she would go to film school after high school and judges film bros for not watching a single Barbie movie.

-Star and Dash are cousins

-Tucker has a website where he reviews tech products he's never bought and video games he's never played/completed.

-The ghost zone is kind of like purgatory but also kind of not. It's where ghosts spend the afterlife, but they can fully leave once they've resolved any unfinished business they have. Places in the ghost zone where ghosts reside (like Pariah's castle or Sidney's mirror dimension) are created upon death, so everyone has their own little spot. -Danny and Vlad don't have fully formed places in the zone. They're more like empty lots reserved for them when they fully die. -Dani doesn't have a spot of their own, so instead they took Danny's space and built a little Lost Boys style hideaway.

-The "ecto acne" was really just blisters from severe burns Vlad sustained after his portal accident.

-Danny and Vlad only survived their respective accidents because of their exposure to ectoplasm radiation. Although Vlad had much less exposure at the time of his incident, but that's ok since the 80's portal was much smaller. Danny on the other hand has been exposed to it pretty much all his life, so he was able to survive the full sized portal.

Ok, under the cut I'm gonna go into my thoughts about how most of Danny's enemies died. I won't be including Bertrand, Skulker, Clockwork, Boxlunch, Vortex, Amorpho, Undergrowth, Pandora, or Nocturn because I either think of them as a different kind of ghost, spirits In Charge of something, or in Boxlunch's case: never alive to begin with. I'm also not including Freakshow because he's still alive, nor am I including his ghosts because outside of their designs, they have no personality. Content Warning: Since I am talking about death, this section will probably get pretty dark for some readers. If you are sensitive to discussion of suicide, murder, death from illness, or death by some kind of disaster, then I would advise you to not open it.

I don't really have a lot in terms of explanation for a lot of these, so I'm just gonna list them as Ghost: Cause of Death.

Lunch Lady: Heart Attack at school

Princess Dorathea: The Black Plague

Prince Aragorn: Arsenic poisoning

Box Ghost: Anti-Strike Attack (I'm not going to name any real-world strikes that turned into massacres because I feel like that might be a tad disrespectful)

Technus: Electrocution

Sidney Poindexter: Suicide (He's a teenage ghost who was bullied relentlessly by every one of his peers.)

Desiree: Executed by Sultan's wife's request

Walker: Prison Riot

Spectra: Old Age

Klemper: Hypothermia

Ember: House fire

Fright Knight: Killed in battle

Pariah: Executed in a Coup D'etat

Johnny 13 and Kitty: Killed by a drunk driver

Youngblood: Leukemia

Ghost Writer: Alcohol Poisoning or Tuberculosis

Hotep RA: Natural Causes (Honestly I always forget this guy exists)

#danny phantom #danny phantom headcanon

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pookalukaa · 4 years ago

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Paint Me

A Spencer Reid Fanfic

your friendly AroAce brings you a fanfic that is so self indulgent

Pairing: Spencer Reid x GenderNeutral Artist!Reader

Warnings: sexual innuendos but no actions further than kissing, and Spence is shirtless

Word Count: 1.9k

Your short nails grazed his goose-bumped covered back.

You envisioned what you would do to it as if it were the canvas that you usually painted, which were now forgotten, leaned against the wall of your living room.

You now sat on the floor with your boyfriend between your legs, with his back facing you.

You can feel his muscles tensing as you drag your hand along his back, no doubt was he thinking about something inappropriate.

But you were simply there to paint.

And Spencer had offered to be the canvas.

---------------------------------

“paint on me?” he asked with puppy-like eyes

You were startled by his question. Did I mishear him?

You looked up from your sketchbook, coming up with ideas and thumbnails for your next exhibition, your large canvases were prepped and ready for paint

“you mean paint you?” you asked with a tilt of your head

You knew he probably said what he meant; the genius would not mess up his grammar that bad; but you needed to be sure.

In reality, you have always been interested in body painting, watching Skin Wars for hours, but never had a partner who brought it up; and you would never mention the interest

“I’ve painted you plenty, you’re my favorite model” you add with a wink

“If my favorite handsome model wants to pose like a French girl again, I have no problems with tha-” you continue, flirting before your rambling is cut off by your boyfriend cupping your face in his large, veiny hands, bringing his bottom lip to a pout

“you know that’s not what I meant silly” he answered with his pout becoming a playful smile, unconsciously licking his lips

You know he always did it without thinking but god, his habit of licking his lips when you got close was hot and you hated getting distracted by it

You tore your eyes away from his lips, wanting to tease him more

“Do I?” you ask with a faux confused face, tilting your head once more

“Maybe the doctor has to explain it and-” you stop, as Spencer licks his lips again, at the mention of you playfully calling him doctor

“-and the doctor should quit licking his lips before I act up” you say in a voice just above a whisper while looking at his lips

You look up immediately, regretting the words that you just said, cheeks no doubt turning to a deep red

Spencer looked surprised at first but quickly regained composure enough to lean closer to you, slowly licking his lips, when he knew you were looking at him

“what should I stop doing sweetheart?” he asked, narrowing his bright hazel eyes, never breaking eye contact

“sorry I did not mean to say that. I really don’t mind it at all. I know you do it unconsciously. It can just be really distracting at times. And its really hot sometimes so I just- I mean- it’s just-” you pause, stumbling on yours words, speaking too fast for your brain to even catch up on, similar to how the man in front of you rambles

Spencer just continues to look at you with all the adoration of the world, tilts his head, as you did before

“Do I?” he teases, echoing what you said before

Obviously teasing was only for one partner in this relationship you thought giggling

Spencer’s eyes softened at the sound of your giggle, it’s one of his favorite sounds, right after the way you moan his name

Now he craves his favorite sound, so he leans into you just a little more and plants a soft kiss on your lips

You smile into the kiss and can feel him doing the same when your eyes pop open and pulling back suddenly, placing your hands flat on his chest

Now he was really surprised, wondering if he did something wrong, he brought his hand to your upper arm, looking at you with worried eyes

“I want to paint on you” you quickly blurted

Just as he relaxed, realizing you had remembered the beginning of this conversation, and started to open his mouth to say something when you cut him off suddenly

“This has been something I have wanted to do forever! I’ve never had the guts to ask someone to be a model for me, but I’d love if I could paint you! It’d be so much fun, I even have paint for skin, so it won’t cause any rashes or anything!” you quickly ramble, so excited your practically vibrating, moving to stand up to gather the paints, but you stop in your tracks right when you were about to leave the living room of your apartment.

“At least…if you’re sure you wanna?” You ask with a shy glance

“It might take a while; I don’t want you to be uncomfy” you add

Spencer looks up at you with an excited smile (licking his lips again) reaching for your hand as he remained seated

“I would love nothing more sweetheart” he answered

With a hop in your step, your smile widens as you gather the paint from the other room

You rush back into the living room as you see Spencer unbuttoning his shirt, with his sweater vest discarded on the couch, neatly folded

You immediately blush a little at the sight but quickly regain composure; he’s your canvas for the day, he has to be blank

You think this as you leave your paints on the ground and walk up to him, placing your hands on his and undoing the rest of the buttons

Your hands fall on his chest as you motion the shirt off of him

You plant a quick but warm kiss on his soft lips as a thank you, and he received the message perfectly

---------------------------------

That is how you ended up in this odd position with no sexual intent, even though your very good-looking boyfriend of a few years was sitting in front of you shirtless

You smacked your cheeks in frustration telling yourself to get into the zone

You look at naked models on the daily.

To be fair, none of them were your handsome genius boyfriend, but there is a certain headspace you get in when you’re doing your art, where nothing else is important than getting the sketch or painting done

Finally getting into the headspace that you needed, you placed your hand flat on Spencer’s back, feeling him quickly tense and relax under your touch

“Can I tie up your hair a bit?” you ask softly

“of course, love” he quickly replies

So, you get one of your clips that was on the table in the living room and loosely put up some of the longer strands, so it did not get messy with paint

“I’m going to start laying some paint down” you say softly, warning him

“It’s probably going to be a little cold, sorry” you add with a soft laugh

You know he’s smiling without having to see his face, “Go for it love”

You nod and lay down a light lilac color. It was one of your favorites on him, and though he would not admit it was his favorite color, you could see the smile that came to his lips every time you wore it or had a painting with it being the primary color

You did not know where you were going with this painting, but like your other ones, you never really did

You would always try to plan them out, but they always turned out a different way than you imagined

Instead of being discouraged, you loved the change, saying that if it happened that way, it was meant to be

You laid down a sunflower yellow along with the lilac, and an idea struck you

You had always been obsessed with flower language, with purple lilacs representing the pure first emotions of love and yellow sunflowers representing pure happiness, you knew exactly where you were taking this masterpiece on your masterpiece of a boyfriend

---------------------------------

There were few words exchanged in the hours as you enjoyed each other’s warmth and the comfortable silence between you. Occasionally there would be a giggle from Spencer as your brush or hand grazed a ticklish spot, or you absentmindedly talking about how sexy his back was or how you loved certain colors on him.

You would then see his neck and ears turn a light pink, another color that looked absolutely stunning on his skin

Almost 2 hours pass by Spencer remaining still other than to get up and stretch his legs a bit carefully and to get some water

“Alright I’m almost done Spence” you sigh happily

He breathes in quickly, excited to see what you painted on him

He loved the close proximity you have been to him these past few hours; he had placed a hand on your left leg that was on one side of him and softly rubbed it, your thighs were one of his favorite spots of your body; he was always leaving kisses and the occasional bruise there.

You take a deep breath, looking over your work one more time

“I’m done!” you say almost a bit too loud for it being nearly midnight in your apartment with thin walls

Spencer turns around, excited and before he can say anything you cup his face in your hands and place an excited kiss on his lips, once again relaying your thanks

Spencer smiles into the kiss and once you break the kiss he smiles gently, “take a picture so I can see your masterpiece”

You immediately pull out your phone and take a picture of his face, now with a few smudges of paint from your hands and his brown curls messily around his face, with some part still in the hair clip and giggle at the sight of a messy Spencer

He looked at you with confusion, his smile still planted on his face

“You’re my masterpiece” you would normally cringe at that cheesy statement, but it fit so well, and you knew that picture would end up as your wallpaper soon after this anyway

He laughed, which was one of your favorite sounds, right after how he moaned your name

You put your hands on his shoulders and turned him around so you could take a proper picture of his back and instead of him turning around again to look at you, you stood up and sat down on his lap, his body conforming to cradle you and fit yours perfectly

“Look at it!” you motioned

It was a beautiful bouquet of flowers all over his back all pointing back to the pure feeling of love, adoration, passion and above all: happiness.

You knew Spencer had extensive knowledge of flowers with his eidetic memory and just by being around you and hearing your rambles about your new research

His grin deepens and you can see his eyes moving all over the picture, taking in every detail so he would remember it forever, even if he did not have his unbreakable memory

“It looks amazing love” he softly says, eyes not leaving the phone. He is now looking at the individual flowers, seeing all the different meanings and how you wanted to show your love and adoration

You swear you see him trying to hold back a tear, “I love you so much, I cannot believe I am dating someone as talented as you love” finally looking at you, cupping your face in his hands and giving you the passion that was in the flowers in a kiss

After staying in that comfortable position for a minute longer, you stand up, offering him a hand, “Alright it’s time for a shower babe, the paint is made for skin, but shouldn’t stay on too long; besides, I wanna go to bed”

“I’ll go to the shower as long as you’re with me” he instantly replies with a smirk

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, I gotta wash your back anyway” you reply

You both walk hand in hand to the shower, and you can look forward to the long shower and night after that.

Spencer Reid may be your masterpiece, but tonight he wanted to show you that you were his.

please let me know if you liked my first fic and if you would like a second (smut 👀) part or just more in general (i do love me some Hotch👀👀)

💕💕💕💕💕

also huge props to @spenciebabie for being a huge inspiration when it comes to this. take a look at their page (only 18+ please~) and their amazing writing, the community they've built on their page is adorable!!

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storytellerofuntoldlegends · 4 years ago

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words fall flat (like cymbals crashing)

A/N: apparently the only fic I have motivation to write anymore is for the Mandalorian. anyway, have this INCREDIBLY self-indulgent fic with aroace din djarin, aro cara dune, and a heaping helping of hurt/comfort and mandalorian culture. enjoy! (title is from Constellations by The Oh Hellos)

Summary: Cara checks up on Din after the events on Moff Gideon's Imperial cruiser. Problem is, neither are them are very good at talking about emotions- but Cara figures out how to comfort Din in their own way.

Warnings: emotional hurt/comfort, awkward conversations, sort-of coming out, platonic cuddling, hugs, implied crying, bittersweet/hopeful ending

Din was distant after the jedi- Luke kriffing Skywalker- had taken Grogu and then their little haphazardly put together rescue crew got back on Fett’s ship. Not that Din was all that reachable of a person to begin with, Cara noted. But now he was even more withdrawn, and he seemed almost fragile despite all the armor he wore. Cara was sure she’d never forget watching the way Din’s hands trembled as he put his helmet back on- kriff, he had shown his face. Cara didn’t actually see his face, just the back of a surprisingly curly head of hair (out of everything, she never pictured her stoic friend with curly hair). So on top of losing his kid and unwittingly earning the right to Mandalore’s throne, he had broken his code as well. Surely he was not as put together as his gruff, standoffish behavior implied.

Hence why Cara was more or less lurking in the shadows near where Din was sulking in the storage unit aboard the Slave I. Fett had advised to “let him alone, Marshal,” in that rough and indifferent-but-really-he-was-fooling-nobody tone of his. But Cara felt that the last thing that Din needed was more space from people he cared about, so she stepped out of the shadows and closer to where Din was sitting on top of a storage container. At first glance, she thought he was cleaning his weapons, but as she came closer she noticed he was fiddling with a small silver ball- the same one that Grogu had been so attached to. Then, strangely enough, he pressed the ball to his helmet, just above its visor and where his forehead would be beneath it. Cara suddenly felt like she was intruding, and from the way Din jolted and scrambled to put the ball in a pouch at his side, she definitely felt like an intruder.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” she started, but was cut off with a wave of Din’s hand.

“It’s fine. I’m- I’m glad it was you,” Din replied, sounding uncharacteristically shy. Cara smiled softly, walking closer and taking a seat next to him on the storage container.

“I just wanted to check in on you, after… everything,” Cara finished lamely. Din huffed out a breath that could have been a laugh, a sigh, a sob, or some mix of the three.

“Thank you. I- I’m- he’ll be safe. With the jedi,” Din said, sounding like he was more trying to convince himself than Cara. A chuckle escaped Cara’s lips, despite everything.

“Trust me, there is nowhere safer than with Luke Skywalker for Grogu. I never knew him personally, but the guy’s a rebel hero. It was his shot that destroyed the first Death Star, and he had a hand in overthrowing the Emperor and destroying the second Death Star. Plus I think his sister has a seat in the New Republic Senate now. The point is that he’s powerful, and that he has powerful allies. Grogu will be okay,” Cara assured him. Din let out another breath, and this time it was definitely a sigh.

“Thank you. That… that helps,” Din replied, sounding much more at ease than when Cara had first checked in on him.

“I’m glad,” Cara said, affectionately clapping him on his knee- and startled a bit when Din jumped at the touch.

“Sorry-”

“Don’t be, I guess I forgot that Mandalorians aren’t exactly touchy-feely people,” she interrupted him, giving him a soothing smile.

“And I am certainly no exception,” Din muttered under his breath, but as Cara was sitting so close to him, she heard it anyhow.

“What do you mean?” Cara asked, brow furrowed in confusion. Din swallowed nervously and seemed to shrink in on himself a bit, which would have been comical if every fiber of his being didn’t seem to be etched with embarrassment.

“I’ve… never really desired any sort of closeness. As teenagers, my fellow foundlings seemed to be interested in finding someone to be close with, but those sorts of desires never really occurred to me,” Din explained awkwardly.

“What sort of desires?” Cara asked with a raised eyebrow, somewhat understanding what he was getting at, but she wanted to be absolutely sure. Din fidgeted for a moment or two before making an irritated sound.

“I’ve never wanted any sort of intimacy or romance. Not even with Omera. Sure, the idea of having someone to come home to and start a family with sounds nice, but…” Din trailed off, sounding just as lost as when he had taken off his helmet to say goodbye to Grogu.

“But in reality it feels wrong,” Cara finished, understanding where he was coming from, at least a little bit. Sure, there were… ahem, other desires that were appealing to her, but romance? Definitely not her thing. Din’s head shot up at Cara’s words, struggling to form words of his own for a moment or two.

“You- yeah, that’s it,” he said, dumbfounded.

“I get how you feel- at least on the romance part. Although, uh, intimacy, as you put it... that I’m more down with. And I’m definitely more of a casually affectionate person than you,” Cara replied, cringing internally at her choice of words. This wasn’t something she really talked about a lot, and it felt like everything was coming out all jagged and lopsided. But fortunately, Din seemed just as out of his comfort zone as she was, and therefore didn’t mind.

“I mean, I don’t mind affection. It just surprises me, is all,” Din said sheepishly. Cara slowly reached out, gently grasping Din’s hand when he didn’t move to stop her. She gently rubbed her thumb in soothing circles on the back of Din’s hand, and he all but melted at the touch. Kriff, if this is how he reacted to some hand-holding, he’d probably implode if she ever tried to hug him.

“When’s the last time you’ve gotten a hug?” Cara blurted, startling Din out of his calm reverie.

“I… I mean, I would hug Grogu sometimes, but his arms are a little small to really hug back. He could always return a kov'nyn just fine though,” Din said fondly.

“Cove-what?” Cara asked, head tilted to the side in confusion.

“Kov’nyn. Sometimes it’s called a keldabe kiss. I had learned it from my Buir- the Mandalorian who found me and took me in. It can be a violent action, but I’ve mostly known it as an affectionate one. It… might be easier to show than to explain,” Din replied, seeming nervous again.

“Then go ahead and show me. If you want,” she said, hurriedly assuring him that she didn’t want to force him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with. Din took a deep breath, then reached out with his free hand and rested it on the nape of her neck, fingers gently tangling in her hair. He carefully pulled her forward until her forehead was resting against his. The moment her skin touched the cool beskar of his helmet, it felt like something had snapped into place- and dimly she realized this had been the same thing Din had done with Grogu’s silver ball.

“This is a keldabe kiss. It’s a form of greeting between Mandalorians and their loved ones,” Din said, shifting as if he was going to move away, but Cara grabbed his forearm with her free hand and halted his movements. Din let out a soft, almost broken sound, and Cara moved on pure instinct. She shifted closer and threw both arms around Din’s shoulders, now practically in his lap and forehead still learning against his helmet. Din responded in kind, one hand still firmly buried in the hair at the base of her neck, while his other arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her entirely in his lap. He let out a shaky sigh that could have been a shallow sob, but Cara didn’t comment on it. If Din needed to be held as he cried, Cara was more than willing to do so for him.

The Marshal and the newfound Mand’alor had been absent from the cockpit for far too long, in Fett’s opinion. So he entrusted the controls to Fennec, and made his way to the storage unit that the Mand’alor had been hiding away in. The sight that greeted him, however, was one that he never would have predicted. The Mand’alor, looking incredibly vulnerable for a man in pure beskar armor, had the Marshal in his lap, holding her close as he leaned his helmet against her forehead in a keldabe kiss. Fett smiled in spite of himself. Whatever happened, whether Princess ended up with the Darksaber or not, Fett was glad that the current Mand’alor had someone he could rely on.

post-fic notes: this whole fic was an excuse to write aroace din, keldabe kisses, and platonic cuddling between a man and a woman. the aro cara just sorta snuck up on me, as well as boba fett being a caring and concerned pal. oh also i personally hc fett as being the type of person to not call people by their first name unless he has a strong bond with them (you can read his relationship with fennec here however you'd like, although i like them as just buddies). i also hc his reaction to din getting the darksaber as "oh you're the king now, cool"

anyway thanks for reading, also pls reblog cause validation is my lifeblood

#the mandalorian #din djarin #cara dune #grogu #luke skywalker #boba fett #fennec shand #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian fanfic #star wars #star wars fanfiction #star wars fanfic #sage writes

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kissimirrit · 4 years ago

Note

as an ex truscum how did you come to terms with the harm youve caused others and make up for it? do you still struggle with unlearning truscum standards?

i think it’s important i don’t hide or censor my past, no matter how embarrassed or regretful i might be from it. people have the right to know about someone’s past bigotry and to decide their boundaries with that person from that point on. i think it’s an important part of my past for people to know of when the topic comes up.

i stopped being truscum almost 5 years ago; and yes—i still struggle with unlearning truscum standards, because i learned them during my formative years of development. because of that, i really vibe with the saying "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are." —because i’ll still catch myself thinking very... exclusionary things and have to stop and reflect why i’m thinking that, and then correct my thoughts accordingly. it’s forever a process of self-reflection and checking.

(read-more’d for length) tl;dr—i realized being truscum was bad and then i became a die-hard inclusionist, and even began identifying with labels that 2012 me would hate.

i only really came to terms with the fact i was causing harm in say, late 2016 or *very* early 2017 when one of my most treasured friends admitted to me that xe was afraid to tell me xe was nonbinary, because we both had identified as truscum and xe was in the process of dropping those beliefs, whereas i hadn’t gotten to that point myself until xe told me about hir identity and reason for being afraid of telling me. and if one of my best friends felt terrified of telling me their identity, or literally anything about themselves; then obviously i was fucking up big time and doing something incredibly wrong.

so that was like, my first step in dropping those beliefs. and making up for it has been an incredibly long road. dropping all forms of gate-keeping, queer-separatism, and otherwise exclusionary beliefs in favor of becoming a radically inclusive person of any good-faith identity, to the point of even adopting some “discoursed” labels myself (ie: straight-lesbian trans man) has been a 5 year long journey.

i started identifying as truscum when i was 13 or 14, back in 2011 or 2012 when the word was first coined. there was a tumblr post, calling those who were binary trans people and (forgive me my memory is fuzzy) didn’t hate cis people as “true transexual scum. truescum.” and the term truscum stuck from that. and back then the community was really small. there was just a handful of us in the FTM tag telling other trans guys that they can’t identify as lesbians and that they should stop tagging their selfies as both “FTM” and “lesbian”. (which is funny to me now because... i literally identify as an ftm lesbian now lmaaooo. i became the very thing i set out to destroy /lh).

and being truscum was kind of a catalyst for so many of the early exclusionary queer-separatism and incorporating radfem beliefs into early lgbt+ tumblr that i never really noticed until ace discourse got notoriously bad in 2016. 1. nonbinary-exclusion. back in 2012/2013 ‘trans’ used to be written as ‘trans*’, with the asterisk, for the inclusion of nonbinary identities. and at the time, truscum were notoriously against it because at the time, truscum believed that nonbinary identities weren’t real, so the asterisk was unnecessary and useless. and then an article came along that went into detail about how the asterisk was useless BECAUSE nonbinary people were inherently trans without any caveats, and ‘trans’ (without the asterisk) was already inclusive on nonbinary folk, not just binary trans men and women. so that kinda trickled down and eventually became the end of trans* asterisk, and after that an influx of nonbinary folks started to identify as truscum—however a lot of people who identified as truscum prior to this still held heavily anti-nonbinary beliefs. (and then truscum got kinda blamed for adding the asterisk in the first place so that kinda became an in-joke for a year or so. like, things truscum invented: the asterisk after trans asterisk, the word truscum, whales. etc) 2. transmisogyny, and adopting radfem talking points. i know in the early days (and probably still now, but i don’t know the demographics as i never kept up with them), the majority of truscum before 2014 were white, and binary trans men. (emphasis on the white trans men part.) Because of this, whenever there was a collective schism with a notable trans woman for whatever reason (adele idislikecispeople, genderpunkrock, kat blaque, etc. were all big ones during 2014), transmisogyny would be rampant. there were groups dedicated to somehow proving idislikecispeople was pretending to be a trans woman that were really invasive of her privacy (years before kiwifarms even touched the subject), and despite claiming to be a vehemently anti-radical feminist group—willingly accepted radfem talking points and even radfems who self-identified as truscum. and cisgendered self-identified truscum, especially adult cis MEN (usually gay, and were fairly aggressive to us teens??), were accepted with open arms and were looked up to for some fucking reason. y’know, bootlicking. around 2014 was when the term “transmedicalist/transmedicalism” was coined by john snarkytransman, and was popularized by users who followed suit. it came about around 2013/2014. since then, the term has been synonymous with truscum- but in may 29, 2015, users who wanted to detach themselves from the label of truscum due to drama wish to mark a distinction between the two labels, which was largely popularized by john myragewillendworlds. because truscum was never supposed to be a community initially, it was supposed to be an ideology “like atheism”. and a lot of the drama around the time when transmedicalist was coined was due to three distinct groups forming: the old truscum (those who had been around since near the beginning, like i was. usually adult binary trans men over 18 and in their early-to-mid 20s.), neo-truscum (mostly made up of teens around my age who were newly out and majorly identified as nonbinary, and latched onto the first group they came across, like i had years prior), and the FUCKING MARIGANG (a notorious group of radfem truscum who only believed in 2 distinct nonbinary identities, agender and bigender, and were... extremely volatile.) i was somehow in all 3 of these groups because of 1. the fact i had been truscum since the near conception of the term so i was oldscum, 2. i was within the age range of most of the neo-truscum so a lot of them were my friends, and 3. mari from the marigang was the first ever other non-SAM asexual (and adult!) i had ever met (aside from my then-gf, Gabe. whomst i still talk to and luv with all my heart <33) and i clung onto her despite how.... fucking wild she was. and her boyfriend eliot was the first ever intersex person i had come across after learning about my own intersex variation, and i was so desperate for validation from these two adults who both held two identities integral to myself that i had never met any else sharing before, so i ignored so many of the red flags they had. (and they had... so many.) which brings me to my next point!!!!! 3. queer-phobia and the beginning of ace discourse. (NOTE: i didn’t realize all of these groups were radfem until years later, and i didn’t know what “TWERF” meant at the time. i barely knew was a radfem was.) so the marigang (2013/2014 i think?) was known for being notoriously volatile and violent at the drop of a hat to anyone who they didn’t like and labeling them as “fauxscum”. even to their own members in the skype group. it was largely made up of radfems and even eliot was a self-described TWERF (despite... at the time identifying as a intersex cis man????). the marigang believed in two nonbinary identities only: bigender and agender. mari herself was agender, asexual, and aromantic, and would brag about abusing eliot because of how much she despised men. she was incredibly anti-AVEN and refused to be called ace, aro, or aroace, and would only go by non-AVEN terms like “asexual” and thought the split-attraction-model was bullshit. (which is why i also refused to go by the terms ace/aro/aroace and would only go by “asexual” up until late 2016/early 2017.) mari was also incredibly hypocritical, criticizing me for having a girlfriend despite IDing as asexual & aromantic, even though she also had a boyfriend with the same sorta partnership (except Gabe and i weren’t abusive, just a bit too young.) despite that, i latched onto mari as an idolized adult figure. branching off from the marigang was a group of asexual & aromantic, usually nonbinary, radfem truscum who called themselves asexual elitists. and i ended up joining that group through mari. this group in either late 2013 to mid 2014 became the basis of what ace discourse would become a year later. some of our key beliefs that would later generally be accepted by truscum (a lot of them even sharing some of these beliefs despite hating the marigang and such) and then later spread throughout tumblr were: 1. there is no asexual spectrum. you’re either asexual or you aren’t. micro-identities like demisexuality and grayasexuality are unnecessary because that’s 90% of the population. (the part about demigray-sexuality was already popular amongst truscum at this time.) 2. people aren’t oppressed for being asexual. it’s either misogyny or misdirected homophobia. (i don’t think the term aphobia/acephobia was coined yet, or was popularized at this time.) 3. queer is a violent slur and should not be used as a personal identity or for the community. (already a common opinion amongst truscum.) 4. the split-attraction-model is unnecessary, redundant, harmful, and destructive. that if your sexual and romantic orientations “conflict” (ie: biromantic heterosexual, homoromantic pansexual, etc.), then you’re either one or the other and just confused. that it’s homophobic/biphobic/lesbiphobic because it reduces people to sex. (was already 50/50 with truscum.) 5. the term “allosexual” is very AVEN-y (therefore bad) and, again, reduces people to sex. because us asexuals were the “abnormal” (an actual word used that i internalized) ones in society, we didn’t need a word to refer to non-asexuals, and just not-asexual worked for it. 6. pansexuality don’t real and it’s just bisexuality under a special label. (was already 50/50 with truscum.) 7. the only existing orientations are gay/lesbian, bi, and straight. asexuality is the LACK of a sexuality and therefore not an orientation. 8. AVEN sucks. fuck AVEN. fuck david jay. MOGAI sucks. intersex isn’t lgbt. (i was the only intersex person a part of the asexual elitists (sans eliot) so i was kinda expected to just... agree with it. so i did. i didn’t have any opinions of my own for it. and mari was adamant about it because she was outspoken about eliot’s intersexuality.) — i’m probably missing some but these were off the top of my head. do those sound familiar? these were the beliefs of both the marigang and the asexual elitists groups, that were probably taken from radfems and then spread to truscum and to the rest of tumblr—which then spread out further through the internet, since many users had deviantarts and twitters and would take discourse to other places. et cetera et cetera. i left the marigang in late 2014 i want to say? and returned to the general truscum community, and the marigang fell apart due to in-fighting. but the damage had already been done at that point, and those of us left were still spreading this rhetoric to others who then continued to spread it. ------ i think i started to become an inclusionist in late 2015 or early 2016 when ace discourse STARTED to take off outside of truscum circles. because whenever i talked about bigotry i happened to face due to be asexuality, i was met with “that didn’t happen” and people dismissing my experiences and telling me i had no place in the lgbt community (“i never thought the leopards would eat my face” -person who supported the ‘leopards eating faces’ party). i began to notice how kinda... fucked up these exclusionist beliefs were, now that i was on the receiving end of them? so i left the truscum community (despite still holding transmedicalist beliefs at this time) and i made an ace discourse blog called acehet (which at the time i made it, was called allosexuel. but before that i helped run a blog called allodiscourse which then got rebranded to something else after i left idk??) i still held onto some of these initial beliefs. that the split attraction model was silly, that asexuality wasn’t a spectrum, that AVEN was harmful, pansexuality is just special bisexuality, queer was a slur, etc etc. and i did my best to actively work towards unlearning a lot of these things and began to blog in support of them, even if my best friend at the time (the one who later came out to me as nonbinary and inspired me to drop transmedicalist beliefs entirely) still believed in all of these things and felt like i was beginning to believe in the wrong things. (i think because of that i sorta inspired hir to become an inclusionist too after hir past exclusionism too? ze's never said what sorta made hir change hir stance. idk!) and through that, i began to realize that the root of so many gatekeeping beliefs and arguments were founded through radical feminism, truscum/transmedicalists, and bigotry in general. that so many of these parroted arguments were rehashed versions of “trans women aren’t women” to “nondysphorics aren’t trans” to “bihets aren’t lgbt” to “asexuals(and aromantics) aren’t lgbt” to “intersex people aren’t lgbt” and so forth. invading communities, stealing resources, preying on young lesbians (making her reject womanhood and become nonbinary/trans, internalized lesbiphobia and IDing as ace or bi, somehow sexually abusing them, etc.) and so on. they’re all the same fucking arguments. from the same fucking sources. and i have been saying this for years since i realized it. there are maybe 1 or 2 beliefs i held onto since i started interacting with the truscum community back in 2011, before the term was coined. but i believe it only for myself, and do not apply it to anyone else. i, personally and for myself only, believe my own transexuality is a medical condition characterized by my dysphoria, and i’ve never really identified with the trans community. i don’t identify with the trans flag, so i don’t use it for myself. i avoid the term “trans” unless necessary. and in 2016-2018 i pretended to be a cis man online until it became too much and i hated lying. i don’t apply this to anyone else, only myself. because i only want to focus on the medical aspect of my transition. this is a major contrast with my intersex identity. where i don’t consider my intersex variation to be a condition, but rather a major identity of mine. whereas most people would see the inverse of this—that trans is an identity and intersex is a condition. for me, and me personally, it’s the opposite. my intersexuality is my identity and my transexuality is my condition. (i cannot stress enough that i only apply this belief to myself, nobody else.) i identify with the intersex community, i identify with the intersex flag, and being intersex is the most major part of my presentation and gender. there’s probably so many things i’ve missed since it’s been a decade since the conception of truscum as a group. before that i believe there were a similar group made up of trans women on some forums called HBSers (harry benjamin syndrome-ers). unlearning all of these beliefs i’ve internalized in my youth and trying to use my past as a way to dissuade people away from gate-keeping and exclusionism has been what i’ve been doing my best to do since around late 2015, even if i was still in the process of dropping my own harmful and exclusionary separatist beliefs after that time. there are still truscum-y thoughts that creep back into my mind every time i might come across something new or “cringy”, but after 2018/2019 when i finally came to the full realization that HRT would never work on me (my biggest nightmare since 2013 when i learned i was intersex)—i fully embraced my own cringy identity as a straight-lesbian ftm intersex man and embraced MOGAI as a term. all queer-separatism beliefs, exclusionism, gate-keeping, and other lgbtqia+ infighting all stems from bigotry and hate. it stems from radfems, from truscum/transmedicalists, from people “exclusionists” claim to hate yet have no problem parroting arguments from. it’s all rooted in hatred and elitism and separating the “pure” identities away from the “bad” ones. all forms of gate-keeping in queer communities like this is bigoted and harmful, because it’s a slippery slope into all the other forms of gate-keeping as well. anyway i hope this wasn’t hard to read? i’m pretty rambly and i have trouble keeping my thoughts in check. i’ve most likely missed a lot of things and forgotten many more, but this is more or less the timeline that led me to learn that being truscum was genuinely and incredibly fucking harmful and i am still trying to make up for it. my 2 biggest regrets in life are 1. being truscum and 2. inventing circumgender.

#tw suicide mention #tw truscum #asks #mail #tw terf/twerf mention #tw ace discourse #tw queerphobia #tw transmisogyny #tw radical feminism #god so many fgucking tws and i probably missed some too #tw discourse #FUCK!!!!!#Anonymous

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sleepless-in-starbucks · 5 years ago

Text

You Keep Saying You’re Broken (I’m Telling You We’re Beautiful)

Ao3

Summary: Logan loved someone. That wasn’t important. What was important was that he didn’t love them enough. Remy seems to think he’s got the two backwards. Content: Magic AU, nonbinary!Remy, aroace!Logan + aroace!Remy, internalized aphobia, tiny bit of swearing, h/c, happy ending Pairing: Friends-to-qpps losleep

It didn’t work.

It didn’t work, again, didn’t do what it was supposed to, and he had been so careful this time, he knew it was right, knew he hadn’t messed up, and yet nothing was happening and it had failed so he had failed and-

Someone was knocking on his door.

Logan ignored them in favor of the pounding in his head that was quickly taking over all his hearing facilities. The vial he had been holding dropped limply to the ground, rolling away from him; the photo fell too and drifted away from him as well. He pressed his now free hands against the desk in front of him, trying to brace himself, to steady himself before he fell over and joined everything else on the floor.

“Logan?” A much too familiar voice called out. “You in there?”

No. No no no- not them, anyone else but them-

The door pushed open, the cause of all his problems but not the source of them peeking their head into the room, looking around. “Hey, I know you’re big on privacy, babe, but I- Lo?”

He couldn’t hide. They were right there and he was right here, out in the open, and Remy’s expression was starting to become one of concern and despite the fact that he was looking at them- actually looking at them, not just a photo now- Logan still didn’t feel different, didn’t feel changed, didn’t feel his heart soar or his chest burn or anything of the like, didn’t feel anything everyone always said they felt like when they were in-

“Lo, is something wrong?” Remy asked, breaking him out of his thoughts, bringing him back to Remy, who had taken a few steps into his room and cocked their head in confusion. “You’re looking a little… off.”

Logan cleared his throat. He could do this. All he had to do was convince Remy he was fine and get them to leave so that he could try again and maybe actually get it right this time.

“I am adequate.” Logan started, and he was proud of himself for how level his voice sounded. “Apologies for worrying you, however- is there something I can assist you with?”

“You’ve been in your room a while. I just wanted to check in.” Remy said, still looking mildly concerned. “You sure you good, hun? You’re a little pale.”

“Simply a side effect of lots of hard working.” Logan answered. “But I assure you, I am doing just fine.”

Remy frowned. “If you say so… still, you shouldn’t be working that much. Come take a walk with me, yeah, clear your head a bit?”

Logan shook his head in negation before Remy had even finished their sentence. “While that sounds very pleasant, Remy, I really am quite busy- can’t be distracted while my work’s at such a crucial juncture-”

As Logan spoke, Remy’s frown quickly morphed into a smile. “I knew it.”

“Hm?”

“I knew it!” Remy repeated, moving past Logan to get a better look around his room. “You’re experimenting again. Something real dangerous if you don’t want me to know about it- have you finally tried your hand at artificial dragon fire? For all you mock my version of it I’m sure you’ve quickly realized it’s not nearly as easy to make as the books say it is-”

“I’m not experimenting!” Logan cut them off, trying to sound indignant and not panicked. If Remy went looking too long they might find his supplies. “And I really do have work to do, so if you could kindly-”

“Sorry, babes, but you can’t fool me.” Remy said, still looking. “You were always a terrible liar- you know that?- absolutely horrible, never could keep your… work a secret… Logan, what’s this?”

Logan turned from where he had been glaring at his desk to look at Remy. The moment he saw what they were holding, his breath caught in his throat and he froze.

The vial.

The vial he had been using for his experiment.

The vial that still had traces of his latest attempt staining the inside of it.

Remy pushed their sunglasses up on top of their head, honey-brown eyes full of worry and the beginnings of fear now on display. “Logan.” They repeated, voice sounding slightly shaky. “Why is the vial empty?”

Logan didn’t answer them, instead remaining stock still in place, hands still planted on the desk behind him to make sure his now much more wobbly legs didn’t give out on him.

“You drank it.” Remy guessed, the conclusion they had likely come to first only confirmed by Logan’s refusal to explain the vial’s emptiness. “And you’re hiding it so it must be bad- Logan, what did you drink?!”

Still no response.

Remy nodded. “Alright, you’re not going to tell me, either because you’re stubborn or it’s a side effect- damnit Logan you’re so pale- sit down, please, before you fall down.”

Logan didn’t react to what Remy said, still trying to get past the mental shock that was ‘Remy’s going to find out and they’re going to stop you and your experiments and you will have failed them and yourself and it’s all over now just because you couldn’t hide your supplies-’

He was dragged out of his thoughts by the sudden, but not unpleasant, feeling of hands gently grabbing his arms, tugging him away from where he was leaning against the desk and moving him to sit in his chair instead.

“There we go.” Remy was murmuring, voice still sounding worried and afraid, but gentler now, likely an attempt to keep Logan from falling completely into a panic attack. “Now come on, hey, it’s okay, don’t look away, let me see those pretty eyes.”

Logan’s attempt to keep his eyes downcast and focused on his lap was thwarted by Remy gently taking his chin and lifting it up, looking carefully at not only his eyes but his whole face. They were mumbling under their breath, and after a moment, Logan realized what they were doing- trying to categorize Logan’s symptoms to figure out what he had taken.

That conclusion was enough to make Logan at least try to stand up, to move, get away until the symptoms were gone and his experiment hidden, but Remy just moved one of their hands to rest at Logan’s hip and hold him steady.

“I know you probably think I’m babying you, Lo, but I need to figure out what stupid thing you took.” Remy chastised lightly, the hand on Logan’s chin moving to take his wrist instead, counting the pulse. “I know I don’t exactly set the best example for this sort of thing, but you really can’t just go around drinking potions- especially if you’re not an actual alchemist. What were you thinking?”

“Nothing.” Logan managed to mumble. “I wasn’t thinking anything because it’s nothing- really, Remy, I’m fine, this is unnecessary-”

“Mhmm. No offense, sweetheart, but I call bullshit on that.” Remy responded. “If it was nothing, you wouldn’t have tried to hide it from me. And you definitely have symptoms- your pulse is racing, your pale and shaking but your cheeks are still a bright red, your eyes are normally blue but right now they’re brown…”

Remy trailed off, their eyes widening in understanding, and Logan pretended there was a chance they had come to a wrong conclusion. “What is it?”

“Logan… why the hell were you drinking love potion?” Remy asked instead, frowning in confusion. In response, Logan looked away.

Of course they had figured it out. Logan knew they would, knew Remy was too smart to miss it, to mix it up for something else, but that didn’t change the fact that he wished they hadn’t, hadn’t figured it out and put it down to Logan’s nerves and left him alone for the day to try again and this time get it right.

Remy didn’t force Logan to face them, instead just quietly sighing. “Don’t move.” They ordered lightly. “I’m going to get my bag.”

They sprinted out of the room after that, and Logan once more looked forward, looking at the door they had left open. He had half a mind to get up and close it, jam his chair beneath the knob and get back to his work, but he doubted that would last long before Remy broke the door down. He also doubted if he had enough strength- physical and mental- to get up and block Remy out.

The choice was made for him quickly enough anyways, Remy returning before Logan could even test if his legs would support him enough to stand. They were ruffling through their brown satchel, soon enough throwing it aside as they pulled out a roll of chalky white discs.

They offered one of the discs to Logan. “Eat this.” They instructed, pressing it into Logan’s hand when he didn’t immediately take it. Logan just held it for a moment, squeezing it pointlessly between his fingers, but Remy’s waiting stare was unrelenting and he gave into it soon enough. The taste of the disc was abysmal, but it dissolved quickly enough, and he swallowed it down as soon as he could.

“Give that about five minutes and the majority of your symptoms should be gone.” Remy said quietly. “And while we wait for those minutes to pass, you can tell me why you were making and self-administering love potion.”

Logan half-shrugged and looked at his lap. “I am my own person, I can make and self-administer whatever potions I should please at my own will.”

“When it makes sense, maybe.” Remy responded. “But love potion? People use that to trick their crushes into liking them. Or to prepare themselves for a disastrous but necessary arranged marriage. Now, unless you have a future spouse I hadn’t been informed of-”

“I don’t.”

“-I don’t see any reason for you to have been taking this stuff.” Remy finished. “Care to enlighten me?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Logan answered instead, shaking his head. “The potion didn’t work. I made it wrong. It doesn’t matter.”

Remy raised a disbelieving eyebrow at that. “Uh. Yeah. Sure. Great stalling tactic but-”

“I’m not stalling.” Logan snapped, the result of pent of stress and the desire for Remy to leave so he could get back to his work. He felt bad about his tone immediately, though, sighing as he softened it. “It really didn’t work, Rem.”

At this, Remy frowned, looking between Logan and the vial. After a moment, they (to Logan’s shock and mild horror) put the vial to their lips and managed to convince a few spare drops to slide down into their mouth.

“What are you doing?” Logan hissed, watching as Remy closed their eyes and swished the few drops around in their mouth. Remy didn’t respond for a moment, busy tasting the love potion. Finally, they swallowed.

“Don’t worry about it, hun, I’m immune to most potions by now.” Remy told him, looking into the vial in bewilderment. “Though this one is really throwing its hat into the ring to try and disprove that- I don’t know how you got the idea that this thing is ineffective considering it’s a few more drops of hollybreath strain away from stopping your heart instead of exciting it. No wonder you’re shaking so badly.”

“So… you’re saying it should’ve worked?”

“To be frank, I’m not sure how it couldn’t have.” Remy answered, gingerly setting the vial down on Logan’s desk. “I’m a little surprised I don’t have to pin you down to stop you from running off to your new boo… what were you looking at when you drank this, anyways?”

Though Logan heard Remy’s question, he didn’t answer it, instead once more turning his attention to his lap as his thoughts ran wild. The potion had worked. Hell, Remy said it was too strong, which meant at least some of the potions before must have worked too… but they didn’t. None of them had done what they said on the tin, none of them had made him fall in love. Not really, anyways, since there was no burning heart or sudden desire- there was just the same soft, impossibly warm sort of feeling in his gut that let him know he felt something, but not love, not really, just-

Logan jerked out of his thoughts when Remy snapped their fingers in front of his face, Remy frowning, worry laced in their entire expression. “Earth to Logan? Darling, you know I love seeing your big brain in action, but I’d be lying if it wasn’t putting me a bit on edge right now. What’re you thinking about in there?”

Barely a thought as to how to respond had crossed Logan’s mind before he was blurting out, “I’m broken.”

Remy blinked. “Nope. Don’t like that. Your brain rights are being revoked. No thinking for you if you’re going to think wrong.” Remy said, light words contrasted by a distressed tone. “Honey, darling, sweetheart, why do you think you’re broken?”

“Because the potions didn’t work.” Logan said miserably, too tired to try and backtrack or explain it away as anything other than what it was. “I thought I had been making them wrong, not adding enough of something, so I kept remaking them and trying again but none of them worked and I just thought the potions were wrong but it was me, I was wrong, the only same variable of course it was me-”

“Logan, sweetie, please slow down.” Remy cut him off, placing their hands on Logan’s shoulders and running them lightly over his arms. “You’re not making sense. How many of these potions have you been taking?”

“Three or four, I don’t know.” Logan said indifferently. “But it doesn’t matter, because they didn’t work-”

“That’s not possible.” Remy said with a frown. “That love potion was strong, sugar, there’s no way you could’ve resisted it unless you had some sort of personal mutation against it- and your eyes changed colour, so I know you don’t. And if you’re telling me you drank more than one... the love potions had to have worked, Lo.”

Logan shook his head. “No, they didn’t; I know they didn’t, I don’t feel any different, nothing’s changed-”

“That means you’re already in love, darling.” Remy said gently. “Whoever you’ve been trying to fall in love with- you already love them. The potion can’t give you feelings you already have- no wonder you feel the same, you are the same. Not broken. Just already in love.”

“That’s the problem!” Logan exclaimed, frustrated, curling his fists together and digging the nails into the skin, closing his eyes as well. “I’m- I love but I- but not enough, not right- the potion was supposed to fix that and- and it didn’t because I’m so fucking broken nothing can fix it-”

“Please don’t say that.” Remy pleaded, one hand moving from Logan’s arm to cup his cheek. “You’re not broken at all, honey, but I don’t know why you think you are, and that’s worrying me. You’re worrying me. What’s gotten into your head?”

Logan didn’t respond immediately, opening his eyes only to look unseeingly at his pants, trying to ignore Remy’s searching, troubled expression. “I love someone.” He admitted quietly.

“...Okay. That’s okay.”

“But I don’t-” Logan paused, struggling with his words, “I don’t want to kiss them. Or- or make-out with them, or have sex with them, or anything like that-”

“That’s okay.” Remy repeated. “I don’t want to kiss anyone or have sex with anyone either. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“No, I-” Logan froze, processing what Remy had said, looking up at them in confusion. “What?”

Remy smiled just a little. “Kissing’s weird. Sex is yucky. They’re not really my scene. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?”

“I- wha- of course not.” Logan said, stumbling over his words but still sure of them.

“Then- surprise!” Remy said, their smile growing a bit bigger. “You’re not broken either.”

“But the potions-”

“-make you fall in love as fully as you can.” Remy finished for him. “If you don’t like sex or kissing or romance or any of that, you won’t suddenly start feeling those feelings because you drank the potion. You’re not broken for not feeling those things. Just human. Why would you try to force yourself to feel like that?”

“Y- the person I love, they… they deserve all my love.” Logan said, hoping Remy would ignore his obvious slip of tongue. “Before I told them I- I wanted them to have all my love; they deserve to have all my love.”

Remy’s smile turned sympathetic. “Whoever this person you love is… you love them a lot, don’t you? Want them to be happy?”

“Of course.”

“Then you love them enough. Hell, you probably love them more than enough.” Remy told him. “Love isn’t parts- it isn’t one third sex and one third romance or anything like that. If you love them, you love them completely. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.”

Logan didn’t respond to that, choosing to just look up instead, finding Remy’s eyes watching him closely and warmly.

“Hun.” Remy said, tone lightly teasing. “Do you want to tell me who you were trying to ‘fall more in love with’ or should I guess?”

Logan remained quiet, meeting Remy’s gaze evenly, not sure if he’d prefer for them to guess or just drop the matter entirely. Remy just kept smiling, looking much too amused.

“Guessing it is, then.” Remy said delightedly. They moved, pushing Logan a bit to the side as they sunk down into the chair next to them, the hand that had been cupping his cheek slipping around his shoulder.

“You don’t have to do this-”

“I bet they’re really pretty.” Remy began, ignoring Logan. “Not as pretty as you, of course, but no one’s that pretty so it’s an unfair comparison. And I’mma say they have to be at least a little smart to get your attention given how absolutely brilliant you are-”

“Remy!”

“-and I know they have brown eyes because of the love potion, and I have a random suspicion that they’re an alchemist- though that one’s just a hunch- and I really have the feeling that for your cheeks to be as bright red as they are right now they must be very close to you indeed.”

Logan didn’t need to touch his cheek to know it was, in fact, burning, but he still did, glaring at Remy when their words were only confirmed. “I hate you.”

“Doubtful.” Remy responded cheerily. “In fact, cutie, I think you looooove me.”

Logan groaned. “This. This is why I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Wrong again.” Remy said, leaning in to rub their nose against Logan’s before leaning their forehead against his. “I think you didn’t tell me because you were harboring under the horribly false idea that you having a brain and realizing that kissing and sex were overrated made you an unsuitable partner. But that’s okay. I’m going to prove you wrong about all of that.”

Logan smiled at that, reaching over to take Remy’s free hand and run his thumb over the back of it. “How’d you guess?”

Remy grinned. “My photo was next to the vial.”

“...Oh.”

“Thought you had just dropped it or something. Once I realized what you had been chugging I realized why it was really there.” Remy told him. “I didn’t mention it straight away because I didn’t want you to distract me from why you were trying to fall in love with me.”

Logan nodded. “Yeah… I’m sorry, again, for that Remy, I just-” “You loved me?”

“I loved you.” Logan echoed. “Love you. And you deserve so much love, more than I felt I was offering-”

“Hey-hey-hey, enough of that, now.” Remy said, cutting Logan off gently. “You don’t need to apologize to me, love. I know what you were trying to do, and I appreciate the effort- in theory. But I also need you to know that I love you. You and your big brain and cute face and geeky personality.” Remy freed their hand from Logan’s so that they could brush back some of Logan’s hair, tucking it behind his ear. They smiled as they looked at him, expression sappy in a way Logan really felt should be illegal. “You are magnificent to me, Lo. If I’m lucky enough to get any of your love, in whatever form it may take, I promise you, it’s plenty more than enough.”

Logan blushed even harder than he had been, which was impressive given up until that moment he didn’t think he could do that. “I- I… I think you’re magnificent too.”

Remy grinned. “See? That’s what I’m talking about. You look so cute when you’re flustered- and calling me magnificent back, oh, my dear darling starshine, you really are too sweet to be real.”

Logan squeaked. Remy just laughed.

“See, this?” Remy asked, leaning in and pressing a quick little kiss to the tip of Logan’s nose before pulling back and watching him turn redder. “This is why I love you.”

“...I love you too.” Logan said, trying to act annoyed and be sullen but failing miserably in the sense that so long as Remy was looking at him like that- like he had hung the moon and painted the sunrise- he really couldn’t be anything other than a blushing, smiling, giddy mess. A love-stricken mess.

“There you go.” Remy said happily, shifting so that their arms were wrapped loosely over Logan’s shoulders and around his back in an odd, yet comforting, sort of hug. Once more their forehead leaned against Logan’s, their eyes close and bright with excitement and joy and love as they looked at him. “That sounds like enough love to me, don’tcha think?”

And with Remy’s eyes still on him, their expression so open and their smile so earnest as they held him close and made him feel warm both inside and out, Logan didn’t have any choice but to smile back, just as lovingly, and answer, “Yeah. I think it’s enough.”

#losleep #queerplatonic losleep #ts logan #ts sleep #ts remy #qpr losleep #write losleep cowards #fanfic #fanfiction #sanders sides #ts sides #nb!remy #aroace!logan #aroace!remy #aspec!sides #this was meant to have a more serious general ending #but then remy #they grabbed the reigns; said no; and ran away #and I just had to let them do it

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theradioghost · 5 years ago

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I don't know if you're still doing podcast recs, but if you are, I really like dramas, horror, sci-fi, honestly anything that gives you the feels (especially if it has lgbtq+ rep). I am not much of a comedy person though unfortunately. The only podcast I finished was tma and I really loved it.

The recommendations are always on tap here, whenever my askbox is open! You might wanna check out:

Archive 81, for a found-footage horror about mysterious archives of tapes full of encounters with otherworldly horror, dark rituals, cults, and a long-suffering archivist with the same name as the show creator who plays him, which despite all that could not possibly be more different from TMA and yet easily matches it as one of the best horror stories I have ever enjoyed. The sound design on this show is basically unparalleled – where TMA has fairly minimalist sound design, A81 goes all out. Quite a few lgbtqa+ folk also.

I Am In Eskew, for a surreal, Lynchian horror about the city of Eskew, where it’s always raining and the streets are never the same twice, as narrated by a man who is trapped there and the woman hired to find him. Take the most viscerally disturbing episodes of TMA as a baseline for how intense this show is, then imagine the Spiral built a city and invited all the other fears over for a party. Also right up there as one of my favorite horror things ever, and recently ended, so you can listen to the whole thing right now.

Within The Wires, for a found-footage scifi dystopia, telling stories from an alternate-history world. Three of the four seasons focus on lgbtqa+ leads, and the first season, a set of instructional meditation tapes provided to a prisoner in a shadowy government institution, is still some of my absolute favorite creative use of medium and framing device ever.

Kane and Feels, for a surreal noir-flavored urban fantasy/horror hybrid, about a magically-inclined academic (and sarcastic little bastard man) named Lucifer Kane and his demon-punching partner with a heart of gold, Brutus Feels. They share a flat in London, they bicker like an old married couple, and they fight supernatural evil. This show WILL confuse the hell out of you and you will enjoy every second of it.

Alice Isn’t Dead, for a weird Americana horror story about a long-distance truck driver, criss-crossing the US in search of her missing wife. Along the way she discovers that both of them have been drawn into a dangerous secret war that seethes in the empty and abandoned expanses of America, and that inhuman hunters have begun to follow her. Also finished! And as the title kind of gives away, the lesbians do not die!

Janus Descending, for a sci-fi horror miniseries about two scientists sent to survey the remains of a dead alien civilization on a distant planet, only to learn all too well why the original inhabitants have disappeared. You hear one character’s story in chronological order and the other in reverse, with their perspectives alternating, which is done in an incredibly clever way so that even technically knowing what will happen it still holds you in suspense right to the end. Also, it made me cry, a lot.

SAYER, for a sci-fi horror with a touch of dark comedy, and probably the single best use of the “evil AI” trope I have ever seen. Tells the story of employees of tech corporation Aerolith Dynamics living on Earth’s artificial second moon, Typhon, in the form of messages from their AI overseer SAYER. The first season is great, the second season is okay, and the third and fourth seasons are fucking amazing.

Tides, for a really interesting sci-fi about a lone biologist trapped on an alien world shaped by deadly tidal forces. It’s different from just about any other sci-fi I know, focusing more on the main character’s interactions with and observations of this strange new world, where she’s very aware that she is the alien invader. (Also I don’t think any of the characters are straight.)

Station to Station, for a thrilling sci-fi mystery where a group of scientists and spies on a research ship (the ocean kind) discover that the time-warping anomaly they’re studying might be causing people to vanish from existence. Corporate espionage and high-stakes heartbreak abound. (And once again I’m not sure anyone is straight.)

The Strange Case of Starship Iris, for Being Gay And Doing Crime IN SPACE! Or, decades after a war with an alien species leaves humanity decimated and under the control of totalitarian leaders, the lone survivor of a research mission joins up with a ragtag crew of rebels and smugglers to figure out why the very government she worked for tried to kill her, and to stop them from inciting a second war. 100% lgbtqa+ found family in space heist action and it’s glorious in every way.

Unwell, for the horror-ish Midwestern gothic story of a young woman who returns to her hometown to help her estranged mother after an injury, and discovers that there is something just a little bit wrong, not just with her mother, but with her mother’s house, and with the whole town. Subtle and creepy. The protagonist is a biracial lesbian, one of the other major characters is nonbinary, the cast in general is super diverse.

The Blood Crow Stories, for an lgbtqa+ focused horror anthology! The four seasons so far have been the stories of an ancient evil stalking the passengers of a WWI-era utopian cruise ship, a dark Western mystery about a group of allies trying to stop the mysterious killer known only as the Savior, a 911 operator in a cyberpunk dystopia who starts getting terrifying phone calls from demons, and strange and deadly goings-on at a film studio in the golden age of Hollywood. Everyone is Very Gay and anyone can die, especially in season 1.

The Tower, for a melancholy experimental miniseries about a young woman who decides she’s going to climb the mysterious Tower, from which no one has ever returned. Quite short and very, very good.

Palimpsest, for a creepy, heartbreakingly sad and yet incredibly beautiful anthology series. Season one is the story of a woman who suspects her new home is haunted, season two is a turn-of-the-century urban fantasy about a girl who falls in love with the imprisoned fae princess she’s been hired to care for, and season three is about a WWII codebreaker who begins seeing ghosts on the streets of London during the Blitz.

Mabel, for a part-horror, part-love story, the kind of faerie tale where you feel obliged to spell it with an E because these are the kind of faeries that are utterly inhuman, and beautiful, and dangerous. Anna, the new caretaker for an elderly woman, leaves messages for her client’s mysteriously absent granddaughter Mabel. An old house in Ireland has a life and desires of its own, few of them friendly. Two women fall in love and set out for vengeance against the King Under The Hill. Creepy, strange, and gorgeously poetic.

Ars Paradoxica, for a sci-fi time travel Cold War espionage thriller. Physicist Dr. Sally Grissom accidentally invents time travel, landing herself – and her invention – in the middle of a classified government experiment during WWII. As the course of history utterly changes around them, she and what friends she can find in this new time must struggle with the ethics of what they’ve done, and the choices they’ll have to make. An aroace protagonist, Black secret agents, time-traveling Latina assassins, Jewish lesbian mathematicians, two men of color whose love changes the course of time itself, this show says a big fuck you to the idea that there’s anything hard about having a diverse cast in a period piece and it will break your heart, multiple times. Also finished!

The Far Meridian, for a genre-bending, poetic, at-times-heartwarming-at-times-heartbreaking story about an agoraphobic woman named Peri who decides to begin a search for her long-missing brother Ace after the lighthouse in which she lives begins mysteriously transporting to different places every day. I can never forget an early review that described this show as “the audio equivalent of a Van Gogh painting.” Suffice to say it is beautiful, and fantastically written and put together.

What’s the Frequency?, for a Surrealist noir horror mystery set in mid-20th-century LA. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I can really explain what goes on in this show, but it features a detective named Walter “Troubles” Mix and his partner Whitney searching for a missing writer. Meanwhile, the only thing that seems to be playing on the radio is that writer’s show Love, Honor, and Decay, which also seems to be driving people to murder. Fantastically weird, deliciously creepy.

Directive, for a short sci-fi miniseries about a man hired to spend a very, very long trip through space alone, which doesn’t seem all that sad until suddenly it hits you with Every Feel You’ve Ever Had, seriously I don’t want to spoil it so I won’t say anything more but listen to this and then never feel the same way about Tuesdays again.

Wolf 359, for honestly one of the best podcasts out there, containing all of the drama and feels, seriously this show ended over two years ago and I still cry literal tears thinking about it sometimes. It has definite comedic leanings, especially in the first season which reads a bit more like a wacky office comedy set in space, but it takes a sharp turn towards high stakes, action, and feelings and that roller coaster never stops. Take four clashing personalities alone on a constantly-malfunctioning space station eight light years from earth, add some mysterious transmissions from the depths of space, toss in some seriously Jonah-Magnus-level manipulative evil bosses, and get ready to cry.

or, may I suggest Midnight Radio? It’s a lesbian-romance-slash-ghost-story completed miniseries about a late-night 1950s radio host in a small town who begins receiving mysterious letters from one of her listeners, and I have been assured by many people and occasionally their all-caps tweets that it provides ample Feelings! (also I wrote it.)

#holy fuck when did this answer get that long?#anyway I uh. hope at least one of these sounds good to you!#podcast recs #bobbie recommends things #Anonymous #asks #my posts

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