#i was at school on my day off to work on this stupid thing
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Lnds being a girl dad
Decided to write it down because I'm bored 🥱 here is my list of ideas that can use but just tag me on it so I can also enjoy the story
Xavier :
Calls your daughter lil princess
Has his hair color and your eyes. Inherited his cute lil pout
Xavier would totally get everything his lil princess wants. Want that new toy? Or how about the new plushie at the arcade machine? Sure, he'll get it right away
Xavier would love to read bed time stories to his daughter every night. Turning off the light while turning on the fairy lights acting as twinkling like stars in the night sky in your daughter room.
He definitely built a fort for her
Has two pets rabbits named Mr.Bunbun and Mrs.Bunbun ( they are married in your daughter mind )and one goldfish named Goldie had Goldie replace every month bec it keeps dying because of your clueless daughter that keep killing the fish
"Daddy why is Goldie floating? " your daughter said curiously " it's because he's taking his afternoon naps , and time for yours too " Xavier lifted his lil princess, carrying her too her room. After she's asleep Xavier calls you " we need another goldfish" he scratches his head " what is it this time?" You asked on there other line " she put a heater in the thank to keep him warm "you sigh, a hand on your hip as you told him frustrated " I told you not to give her a goldfish, poor fish "
He could tell his daughter the truth but couldn't stand to break her lil heart. And it isn't that he didn't keep an eye on her while she played with the fish it's just he took a 5 minutes nap , it wouldn't hurt right? Well that proofed him wrong...
Would like to bake cookies with her ( with you watching them of course )
Would miss his lil princess and you too during every mission . He can't wait to go home to his loving family
If you both are given a mission and both of u can't look after your daughter, she gladly stay with uncle Jeremiah. During the stay with her uncle she learns some gardening skills and is pretty good at taking care of plants
Xavier is of course jealous of Jeremiah, seeing his daughter talking about how the few days has been with her favorite uncle
" princess who do u like more your dad or your stupid uncle Jeremiah? " he said serious
" daddy don't say that about uncle Jeremiah! " good thing she has your personality always ready to defend the person she care and love. But Xavier couldn't help feel his heart ache but also feel proud, his lil princess stood up for his uncle but going against her dad
" uncle Jeremiah is a great uncle and smart tooo ! He's not stupid " she said to her dad " uncle Jeremiah is my favorite uncle! But you are my dad and the best daddy I could ask for "
You ended up ending the recording to Jeremiah to let him witness this scene too
Zayne
His office would be also his daughter office. After school your daughter would walk to Akso hospital since the kindergarten isn't far from the hospital just a 5min walk. But sometimes zayne would be free , so he would pick up his daughter if he didn't had a appointment at that time.
also would occasionally ( almost everytime he pick up his daughter ) bring your daughter to the bakery next a few buildings from the kindergarten .
Inherited his father's sweet tooth
Also hates the dentist
He will watch his daughter sit in his office doing her homework in her lil desk next to him. Also has a picture frame of the family photo that you didn't take a few days ago
The reason why zayne daughter would be at his work is because sometimes you can't pick up your daughter during the day is because your busy with mission and work.
After work you pick up your daughter at your husband work " bye daddy see you soon " she waved and your husband nodded " see you at home "
When zayne would have a surgery your daughter would patiently do her homework ,if she's done she would go around the hospital lobby and talk to the nurses and doctors
But sometimes zayne would come home late at night and your daughter would already be asleep by then. Also the reason why she likes going to her dad work place, is to spend time with him when at night she bearly see him or spend time with
The nurses and doctors love your cute lil daughter
" oh how she looks like Dr. Zayne so much "
" she also has Dr. Zayne calm expression "
Your daughter would have a personal ID badge hanging around her neck that you help her make . Just letting the other nurses and doctors know that she Dr.zayne daughter and not a lost kid
Zayne would double check himself if he has any blood on himself or the smell of blood on him before going to see his daughter after the surgery
Zayne can't help it if his daughter ask for another piece of his macarons " ok, you can have another one but just dont tell your mom. You can it have a maximum of 3 per day and you already have 5 "
"but daddy the same goes for you too and your already have 6 !" Your husband chuckled "alright this will be our lil secret"
" what little secrets ?" You lean against the doorframe , folding your arms as you watch both of them eating, almost finishing dozen macarons
Girl dad zayne would deny that he always saying yes to his daughter " oh really? What about last week Saturday? U said no more sugar but you bought her a snow cone" you tease your husband
" daddy can I have that snow cone? It's a double scoop and it looks like a snowman ! And best of all I can share with you ! "
" at least she has a good reason " your husband replied pushing his glasses to the brim of is node" oh just admit it Dr.zayne ~ "he smile and looked at your sleeping daughter on his office couch
Rafayell
Would spoil his lil sea guppy rotten
" daddy can I have a pony? " already bought one a few seconds ago when he say her drawing a pony. Bought a pony the same as the drawing
Want some plushies? No worries he called Thomas to get her the most cutest plushy and limited to edition
But your daughter love the plushies her had won for her at the arcade especially the pufferfish and the birb
Would teach your daughter about lemurians language. Also tell her stories about the lemurians
" daddy do you think I can turn my legs into a lemurian fish tailtoo? " her eyes sparked looking at her dad
" of course you can. You are half lemurian and human after all " rafayell ruffled her hair
The day she transformed into a lamurian in the bathtub is the day rafayell cheered for her because he didn't know if she could actually turn her legs into a fish tail
Would take her to the beach so she can swim in the ocean and get used to the salty waters . But also for some family fun time
You joined them watching how rafayell teach your daughter to swim in her new found form. You don't have a fish tail but you can still breath under water because of the sea god. It was fun watching your daughter struggle a bit
" hold my hand it be easier for your to balance yourself " your husband hold your daughter hand preventting from her turning upside down
" ugh, daddy this is worst then learning how to ride a bike! " your daughter wine, you couldn't help but laugh at them
Rafayell would bring your daughter to the art exhibit .
Also have a painting named after her and inspired by her . But that isn't for sale that's for the living room at home
Your daughter has a lot of dresses like a lot and same for shoes and jewelry. Rafayell like to dress his daughter up
First class trips with her daddy
Rafayell would definitely ride his sports car to pick her up at kindergarten.
" now wheres my little guppy? " he said standing at the door from the class she's in " daddy ! "
Sylus
Would let your daughter go on busssnins meeting with him because she asked him. At first he said no because it's a dangerous mission . But your daughter is cunning which she got from you of course " but I have daddy to protect me there, he's the strongest and he's the best so nothing will happen to me " that boosted his ego
You where furious when you found out that your husband took your daughter to a dangerous meeting that ended blowing up the whole building " but sweetie, it's nothing I can't handle, she save and onharmed "
" you let her hold a gun."
" that's because she hated the merchant " sylus said confidently
Looks like onychinus had a new leader soon after her dad step down
Would let her dress Mephisto up
Sylus would teach your daughter some boxing moves
Would try to fit all of you guys in his motorcycle , your daughter in front , placing her hand on the handle while your husband hand on top of hers and you always being sylus backpack
Would have customized helmets with your names on it
Sylus would let her daughter play with his hair and stick some stickers on him and if he feels generous ( which he is toward you and your daughter ) he'll even let your daughter put make up on him
Luke and Kieran would be the best uncles . Would like to join her uncles with pranks
Love doing karaoke with her dad .both can't sing well and are death ears
Sylus would buy the whole arcade just for her daughter
Plays kitty cards with your daughter and always lose on purpose
Sylus is definitely the type to give anything her daughter fancies. She looked firearm for 5 second? Is already here with her name on it of course with no bullets . Or else he wouldn't have hear the end of it from you
Would definitely sign a no boyfriend till your married
Like and karien are your daughter personal bodyguards
End up hitting the post button while middle way writing 😅sorry for grammar mistakes and words.
Would prepare a fancy ball for her birthday
Would play the piano for her also teaching her some keys
#lnds xavier#xavier love and deepspace#love and deep space#lnds#love and deepspace#zayne x reader#lnds zayne#zayne love and deepspace#lads zayne#l&ds zayne#zayne x you#zayne x mc#mc x rafayel#sylus x reader#sylus x you#lnds sylus#sylus#sylus x y/n#sylus x mc#rafayel x you#lnds rafayel#rafayel x reader#rafayel#rafayel love and deepspace#rafayel x mc#rafayel l&ds
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The Beginning of Us. Part 1
babydaddy!rafe x sweetheart!reader
summary: You and Rafe were high school sweethearts that continued into college however Rafe went down the wrong path and you found out you were pregnant. 3 years later finds you and Rafe trying to navigate co-parenting your 2 year old son while overcoming life’s obstacles and past experiences.
warnings: mention of drugs, I think that’s it?
word count: 1.1k
“Mommy look at my tractor!” You hear your two year old son call to you from the other side of the room. You were distracting yourself from the fact Rafe was coming over to pick up Asher, the son you shared.
You turn towards him and gently smile. Asher was a spitting image of his dad. The only thing he inherited from you were your green eyes, everything else was all his father. The dimples, the blonde hair, the little smirk he got on his face right before he was about to do something he shouldn’t, his attitude. God, it was all Rafe. It use to make you emotional after you and Rafe broke it off but you’ve had time to move on. It doesn’t hurt as bad anymore.
“I see your tractor baby. It’s your favorite color.” You grinned at him and he returned it with his own goofy grin. Everything you did these days was to provide for your son. Making sure he had the best of the best and Rafe made sure of it as well. Your relationship with Rafe may have ended but you two try to put your differences aside to take care of Asher.
You and Rafe got together when you were 15. High school sweethearts, the power couple, the relationship everyone envied in high school. You were great together in high school. You were the couple that loved public displays of affection, always all over each other no matter the setting. Rafe was always so attentive to you, always so sweet and caring. You always listened to him and helped him express his emotions and feelings, especially when it came to his dad. There was never any arguing. Disagreements were common in any relationship and you definitely had those but you both never yelled at each other. You would work through any problems calmly to come to a solution. College was a different story.
You both went to UNC Chapel Hill and the first 3 months were unreal. The freedom of moving away from Kildare felt so good. You had your own dorm room, as did Rafe. You were both freshman at the time so your plans to have an apartment together was ruined by the college rules but you still made time for each other. Rafe was studying business, you were studying art. You thought you had the world at your fingertips. That was, until Rafe got into a fraternity. It didn’t take long at all until you noticed the shift in him. The staying out later than normal, lying to you about where he was, going to parties every night, ditching plans with you more often than not. When he did make time to come to your dorm to say sorry for the night before, he smelled like liquor and his eyes were red around the edges. He constantly rubbed his index finger under his nose, almost rubbed raw. He wouldn’t look you in the eyes when he spoke to you. You weren’t stupid, you knew he was getting into stuff he shouldn’t and you told him as such. He immediately would blow up on you saying it was none of your business. It was a never ending cycle that went on for months. One night it become too much when you found two bags of Coke in his truck glove box.
The front door opening pulled you from your thoughts. Rafe entered the apartment with several bags in his hands. Asher immediately dropped his tractor and ran to his father, grabbing onto his pant leg and jumping up and down.
“Hey little man, you look like you’ve been busy today.” Rafe gently smiled down at him while holding the bags in his hands away from the little toddler attached to his leg.
Asher only nodded multiple times and continued hugging his leg. Rafe didn’t move from his spot in the doorway, just gazing down at his son with a soft smile on his face. You watched silently from the other side of the room. Rafe only let his guard fully down around Asher, his son bringing out the best in him. You truly believed Asher was the only thing that saved Rafe from an overdose.
Rafe looked away from his son and met your gaze. The smile left his face and the solemn expression took over again. He nodded in your direction and lifted his hand holding the bags, “Got some stuff from the store I thought you might need.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” You shook your head. Every time he came over he would bring bags of stuff he thought you or Asher might need; baby wipes, deodorant, your favorite shampoo, Asher’s favorite snacks, your favorite candy. He did it every time and every time you told him he didn’t have to do it. Rafe would just give you a flat look, shake his head, and change the subject.
Rafe exhaled softly and said your name which had you swallowing thickly. The way he said your name after all these years still caused butterflies in your stomach.
Asher seemed to be getting bored of not getting attention and detached himself from Rafe’s leg. He reached his chubby hands above his head to grab one of the bags Rafe was holding, “I take it Daddy. I strong for mommy.”
You and Rafe laughed as he took one of the bags and set it on the chair in the living room. Rafe followed Asher’s steps and laid the rest of the bags down for you to go through later.
“You got your bag ready, little man?” Rafe raised his eyebrows in Asher’s direction and the toddler quickly scrambled down the hall to his room. You waited until Asher was out of sight until you turned back to Rafe.
“I know I don’t have to say this but I feel better when I do,” You made eye contact with Rafe. “Please be careful.”
Rafe nodded slightly, raising his hand to run across his jaw. Rafe knew you worried a lot about Asher, he’d gotten better with dealing with it and not getting so frustrated. It use to piss him off because he thought you didn’t trust him with his own son but it was deeper than that. You and Asher had been through a lot and Rafe knew firsthand what it did to you. You knew Rafe would protect Asher with his life, he’d done it before. You just couldn’t help but think about past experiences every time Rafe took him for an outing but you were trying to get better.
“You know we will. I’ll bring him back before dinner.” Rafe promised before you both were interrupted by the bundle of energy barreling through the living room with his Spider-Man backpack dragging behind him.
“Let’s go daddy!” Asher grabbed Rafe’s hand and drug him to the front door. He waved his hand half heartedly in your direction and pulled his father out of the apartment, leaving you alone with your thoughts.
#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron#obx#jj maybank#cleo anderson#john b routledge#kiara carrera#pope heyward#sarah cameron#drew starkey#babydaddy Rafe#fanfic#outer banks#rafe cameron imagine#rafe x you#rafe x reader#rafe fic#rafe fanfiction#tbou rafe fic#babydaddy!rafe
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It wouldn't hurt to switch roles sometimes.
Denis is a skinny nerd who looks very weak during his school break. Instead of having a relaxing break, he has to work at a seaside resort to earn money to survive because he is alone with no parents
One day while he was working hard, he met the son of the owner of this resort. He was a hot guy with a hot body that made my heart flutter. He was often at the beach showing off his beautiful muscles. He came to stay here during the school break. He seemed to be the same age as me, which made me feel a little jealous because our fates were so different
Later, I often noticed him disappearing into a small stone alley to take a nap during the day. When he was sleeping, I would often sneak up on him to watch him. I admired his handsome face while he was sleeping, which made my heart beat faster. When I returned, I would sometimes be reprimanded by my boss for disappearing for a while One day while I was cleaning my room in the morning, I found a strange coin. It had small letters that said “Switch”. I was a little surprised when I looked at it, but I didn’t really care. After I finished cleaning, I walked out of the room and looked at the beach. I saw a young man who had made my heart flutter not long ago. Even though I had been watching him for a while, I still didn’t know his name. I tried to ask my boss, but he gave me a stupid reason that a temporary employee like me didn’t need to know the name of the resort owner’s son. Even though I was hurt, I couldn’t do anything. At work, I didn’t even have any friends to talk to.
Not long after, my boss ordered me to bring him sunglasses. "Why didn't he go get them himself?" I thought to myself as I brought him sunglasses. When I arrived at the beach, I didn't see him. I knew immediately that he must be in that small stone alley. When I arrived at the stone alley, I was shocked to see him lying naked. Normally, he would wear pajamas, but now he took off his pajamas to reveal his big, long penis. Its thickness made my heart beat very fast. I stared at it, looking at every part of his body as he slept. But suddenly, I felt a vibration from a coin in his pocket. When I opened it, I found a strange coin that shook and glowed. I took it out and saw the small letters that said "Switch". It was shining very brightly. I don't know what made me say "Switch". Suddenly, my body slowly changed.
I screamed as my muscles changed. It was no wonder that no one could hear me, because the alley was quite far from the resort. But the strange thing was that no matter how loud I screamed, the body of the resort owner's son did not respond as if he could not hear me. My body gradually changed for the better. The muscles that were once thin gradually thickened until they were equal to his. My height quickly increased until they were equal to his. My face gradually changed as well. My eyes, nose, and mouth gradually changed to be his. The pain gradually decreased as almost everything gradually became his. Or was it only my penis that remained unchanged? But before I felt comfortable, my penis gradually expanded. Its size and length gradually increased. As its size and length increased, I felt as good as if someone was using his mouth to worship me.
When it was equal to his size, I reached my climax, my body trembled as I was released, I breathed heavily, looking at my changed body, running my hands over every part with satisfaction, this face, the curves of my muscles, and this genitals, it was so wonderful. I looked at the still body of the resort owner's son, his body slowly changed and shrunk into my old body. Seeing this, I smiled wickedly, took off my old clothes, stole the swimming trunks that were lying next to him to put on. "It feels so good to have a new chicken." While putting it on, I looked at the strange coin that had fallen as I slowly changed. I picked it up. When my finger touched the coin, memories of the resort owner's son flooded my mind. Addresses, passwords, family preferences, everything came to mind. "I finally know your name, Six. I am now Six Mason, the son of the hot resort owner. Denis walked out of the alley in his new identity. After walking for a while, he looked at his old body walking back to work and was reprimanded for being gone for so long. "Poor Denis, my old self." Denis, who was now Six, wore sunglasses and walked back and forth on the beach to show off his hot body like the old Six used to do. "Well, I have to think about what to do next in this new body when I get back to the resort. “I think I’d rather have fun with my new chicken, haha,” he said as he reached into his pants pocket to grab his penis that was slowly becoming hard inside his pants.
This is a story requested by a lovely follower. I hope you, the readers and those who requested it, will enjoy it. Haha, if there are any errors, please help me fix them. I hope to continue writing stories like this. See you in the next one. Bye bye.
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general life update
#rainbow speaks#i was at school on my day off to work on this stupid thing#for the record i didn't want a monster energy#but the only things the vending machine had were that#sparkling water (gross i hate it)#coke (not in the mood)#and DASANI#the worst kind of bottled water. bottled water equivalent of a red delicious apple#so i had the monster.#i took my meds with the monster also which is pretty high up there as far as bad life choices go#i did more after this picture was taken but it looks like shit so only my friends get to see#and now i am exhausted and grumpy and in a lot of pain#and i have to go back TOMORROW to work on this thing MORE#anyway if you read in the tags this far hi how are you#i hope you had a nice day#goot bye
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I will never make this because it would be for an audience of one (me) but ever since reading "If we Were Villains" (story about serious drama kids in college who perform shakespeare and deal with a murder) I have been entertaining the thought of a crack fic crossover with High School Musical The Musical The Series where the staff decides they will no longer put on shakespeare after the tragic accident that happened at Thanksgiving, because Shakespeare plays would only increase the tension and drama. So they hire Ms. Jen who decides their spring play will actually be High School Musical (which exists in the 90s in this universe) and it ruins the vibe so much that everyone gives up on being dark and mysterious because they're universally pissed at Ms Jen for making them learn choreoraphed basketball dancing.
#if we were villains is actually genuinely good and has actual literary worth and pulls from shakespeare in an intelligent meaningful way#but unfortunately all i can do is comedy so this is the only fan content i have to offer :(#THE THING IS iwwv is just hsmtmts if it hsmtmts was good and also they committed crimes#they utilize the same parallel of casting choices with real life drama which I love#umm so casting: Meredith would be Sharpay Obvi. I think it would be really funny if James was cast as Ryan bc they hate eachother and would#have to pretend to be siblings working together. And I think ashley tisdale and Lucas Gabreel actually didn't get along when filming#also i love the thought of Ms Jen looking at James and going “i know what you are”#HOWEVER it would be more interesting if james was Chad to Oliver's Troy (which is really just reversing their Romeo and Juliet moment)#bc chad is like nooo don't do theater... stick with me and do basketball... but it would be Coded Subtextually#Unfortunately Wren would be typecast as Gabriella and I don't think that would cause drama bc I don't believe James actually liked her!#I think it was comp het bc she was very sweet and nonthreatening as opposed to Meredith's big flirting energy so she would be a “safe” crus#lets lean into that actually. this gives Wren a chance to have a personality (bc I enjoy this book but it is not good at fleshing out women#So oliver and Wren spend more time together and kind of talk about James a little and Wren is like yeah James is very sweet#and I like him but it feels so hard to get him to feel comfortable with me... i guess he's just closed off and doesn't talk much#we also get to see more of her personality and interests maybe she's like I relate to gabriella because I also like to Read :) feminism#and oliver is like Hmm That Is Not My Experience With Him perhaps our bond is deeper and James does like me Hm#And then Meredith can flirt with him as Sharpay and James gets pissed and in character gets very intense about how Troy can't join THEATER#that's why he's upset and sad bc sharpay represents theater and only that reason and nothing else and he isn't in love with oliver At All#Alexander can be Ryan now since James is Chad (and he's also Gay) and Filippa can be Kenzie bc they're both queer coded#Anyway at rehearsal one day Meredith and James and Oliver are having their fighting over troy moment and then Meredith stops and is like#wait guys. This musical is so freaking stupid. why are we even doing this#and their mutual frustration at their art being turned into a farce is enough to bond them together and they're like#we need to focus on our REAL enemy: ms Jen#and then they hatch a scheme and it's probably like. They dump a bucket of fake blood on her at opening night a la carrie#and then put on their own rebellious production... it still has to be a musical because i like musicals#families with children are in the audience and they're like OK FOLKS! HERE'S ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!#if we were villains#iwwv#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series
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guys when the disability is disabling 👎
#sorry stupid vent post <3#im gonna be angry in the tags here for a second#im just. idk. sick of being aware of the fact that im getting worse.#i had a week off from work for moving and school purposes#and now that im back i am . oh boy 👍 not great#literally passed out this morning which . thats new. dont like that.#hopefully its just a . one off thing. i dont know. but. idk.#something something capitalism something something ableism something something im tired of this grandpa#i am tired of being in pain <3 im tired of feeling like im falling behind constantly and like im letting everyone down#by just not being able to do the things i feel i should be able to do.#and like. also currently looking at wfh jobs bc i do not think my body can handle school and work and having to stand and walk and stairs#that much . every single day.#and i feel bad about that too bc i transfered to this store ! i put in work to be here at this store and my fucking body is giving out !!#its not even bad. its a much quieter store than the one i came from. everyone ive talked to is nice. the manager is understanding#and i hate that i feel like im just. deteriorating. and failing at everything <3#but like whatever . its whatever. i know its just the. internalized shit of 'yeah but im not bad enough to warrant this'#like ! fuck !#idk. things to bring up in therapy i guess <3#ok goop night sorry for this. i wont be deleting bc fuck me if i ever delete a post. cringe is dead or wtvr
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too much manic energy rn. put on don angle
#this cd is wild it’s like. duke ellington. the beatles. the most beautiful melancholic drag you ever heard. original composition. beatles.#did I hunt this down because I fell head over heels in love with minor drag? mayhaps.#hey remember that post I went off in the tags in a few days ago being like I GOTTA WRITE THE PAH SECTION AAAAAA#so it turns out I’ve been procrastinating on that#made a nice plot and read a bunch of stuff in the meantime but oh hey I still gotta write this section#maybe frenetic harpsichord will help me focus#I don’t want to work on my thesis I want to write school of the air scripts and make little trinkets#why is it so difficult to work on the things I actually Need to do ;A;#also?????? people (or one person at least) is demonstrably excited about the Ptáček rp????????#why is my reaction to being perceived to be simultaneously excited and embarrassed this is stupid lmao just be excited it’s allowed#(points at self) say hi in the discord!!!!! tell them you’re pleased they like it!!!!!!!! be normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#idk idk my ears feel warm just thinking about this that’s so dumb lol why am I having a physiological reaction to this#also still losing my mind from Box!!!!! this was so nice I’m gonna cry omg#should see if I have any sheet metal hmmmm#cannot make anything requiring soldering or casting but I can still do some things…….#okay okay I gotta get back to writing I’m meeting with my advisor at 4 aaaaaa#using music and manic energy and methylphenidates to get this section done 🥲#putting those in my acknowledgements btw
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sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school
#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful#did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w#possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting#plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there#my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh!#not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO#i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig#need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn#but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :)#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.#even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP#idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus#yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted)#a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay!#im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid.#he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party#and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate#and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :)#and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING#good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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not me sitting at my desk staring off into space wistfully thinking about what im going to do on december 19 at 11am after my last final as if i don't have ten assignments to do, a paper to write, two exams next week and 3-4 finals to study for
#help#def gonna buy myself a milkshake and some snacks when it's over then just nab an empty classroom and play video games for hours#thinking about winter break on the horizon is literally the one thing getting me through this final stretch stg#that and those mountain dew fruit flavored energy drinks#ofc my dad was asking if i wanted to get a job over break#like i would consider it but my break is 2.5 weeks long#yes the theater would probably take me back but it took me like a week and a half to start bc paperwork#haha im to busy to be unmotivated but too stressed to get to work#just looking at differential equations is making my head spin much less SOLVING them#why did my school decide that five days (counting the weekend) was enough for thanksgiving break#my elementary school siblings had more time off than i did ffs#how much longer can i tell myself just x more days#how much longer till i just...lose it#wrote myself a long ass to do list for now till break then had to take a several hour long break to calm dowb#and now im more stressed bc im more behind and fml#im too stupid for engineering#still holding myself to my high school standards which are just impossible to reach in uni#like when im doing high school shit i barely studied and always got above an 80#now im just...average#like literally half my grades are at the class average#feels like im fighting tooth and nail for C's but oh well that's just mechanical engineering ig#it's just months of “just gotta get through this exam” over and over till a two week break then it's time to do it all over again
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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thinking about mikayla growing up and how any time she would realize she’s growing feelings for any of her friends she just completely ruins the entire friendship and makes the girl hate her because that dumb drama was easier to deal with than the thought of anything progressing and hiding that from her dad
#she can be the worst friend alive and it’s all because she likes them too much….#doing stupid petty school girl shit like intentionally going after whatever boy her friend liked#and unfortunately mikayla always gets the guy because look at her.#and it’s not even out of jealousy that she does it it’s to MAKE that girl hate her#when I’m off work maybe I’ll write something more about pre-camp mikayla because it was something I didn’t have figured out for the longest#but just know#she was Messy….. still is#I think I used to say she was soft and quiet and whatever but honestly it just doesn’t make sense#she Was more insecure back then. but that’s because she had to go home to a dickhead every day#it’s not even that important for me to write because I won’t ever write her at that point in her life……. Because that’s all pre 14 and#I’m not interested in writing a Child but I just want to collect my thoughts I guess#she was always problematic but literally every bad thing she does stems from fear and I think that’s sad
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I! Fucking! Hate! Uni!
#we’re a week in and I’m already done. I’m so tired#thank god I’m taking next semester off. Work sucks too but at least it doesn’t have homework#I really gotta look into getting a therapist again. maybe to work on getting whatever the fucking is going on with me diagnosed#but also just so I can at least try to work on the sort of. all consuming hopelessness that comes with being a college student#it just sucks. Like I didn’t feel great during the summer either but at least I had my best friend and the sun and some free time#now it’s. fuck all. all day every day is school#my room is a mess. I don’t have the time or energy to clean it#im lonely bc im always lonely#legit the only thing getting me through rn is my gf hyperfixation and that’s not gonna last forever#thinking about ford 24/7 can only be effective for so long before the bad thoughts start creeping back in#it just sucks. I hate being depressed. I hate that I can’t tell if it’s all school’s fault either. Am I just gonna be like this forever?#fuck this stupid baka life or whatever
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I really like my job, it pays well and the work environment is like not a hellscape. However everytime I remember I have to work (for the rest of my life!!!) I do consider driving into the side of a building
#or just letting my mental health win and get bad enough that i cannot hold down a job#the fact that i literally cannot pursue my hobbies or things that bring me joy because im exhausted working 20 hours a week#i cant think about it too long or i will do something stupid#i had benefits lined up for myself i was going to be on disability and get an apartment through a program in my city#and i was going to just let myself heal and take life easy at least temporarily until my brain functions better#but now i have like a real job and people are expecting me to go to grad school and i dont want to do any of it if im honest#its totally out of obligation and performing a version of myself for the people around me that i continue to do this#i feel so fucking weak and awful being this burnt out and jaded from working part time for like 3 months#but im also like constantly dealing with trauma shit and voices and sensory overload and social bullshit that doesnt make sense to me#do you know how hard it is to both fulfill a customer service task while your brain is playing a highlight reel of abuse that happened#or when theres shouting and arguing happening in your head and you have to make small talk with coworkers#i work with youth and i love youth work but oh my god half the time i barely feel human much less adult#and people are so quick to brush me off like everyone feels like that and its just because im young yadda yadda#yeah a lot of people do deal with imposter syndrome and role confusion at my age but i am quite literally dealing with somethkng different#i genuinely do not know who i am most days people say my name and it barely registers in my head#i feel like i was just put on earth like a few months ago without any prior history or memories#thats a really distressing feeling!! if you didnt know!! and most people do not know what thats like!!#like not being able to recognize your reflection is not a normal part of being in your early 20s from what ive heard
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putting in 3 times the required effort only to barely get a passing grade
#i have a bunch of tasks to do in my vacation#bc i dont have good grades#and one of them is for sports class#bc i dont participate in it for reasons & the replacement tasks are way too much work??#stuff like watching an entire football match & writing a detailed analysis#after describing common football tactics & the main rules & positions & also the history of the sport#in one week#which imo is a lot heavier than just playing a stupid ball game for 2 hours#& anyways they want me to do other sport outside of school to make up for it#such as walking which is no problem for me#& i have to record all my walks on a stupid app#that also saves & publicly shows where i walked btw??? which i already hate but whatever i can deal with that#thing is that the stupid app doesnt work#it malfunctions all the time#and cuts off a lot of my walk most of the time#& i have to walk half an hour each day & one hour twice a week#but today for example i walked for an hour and a half#and the stupid app turned it into barely half an hour#bc i stopped very briefly at some points#to look at ducks & such#i stopped maybe 3 times & never longer than 2 minutes#but it always malfunctions when you stop for any amount of time#so to actually reach what im supposed to do i do one hour walks almost every day & at least two 2-4 hour walks a week#& i enjoy walking#but i dont like how forced this is#& a big part of what i like about walking is getting to go slow & stop often to look at bugs or cool plants or something#but if i go slowly it also malfunctions#sometimes it just cuts off half of my walk#doesnt even save it on the map#just pretends i finished off my walk in the middle of the woods
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one more rant about my layoff in the tags and then i’ll shut up i promise
#my mom is telling me to apply for unemployment and i’m so overwhelmed even thinking abt it#the guy from payroll who so nicely told me about the layoff sent me a link for it like that’s the natural next step#but like i’m not planning on staying unemployed for more than like a week i’m planning on applying for another job in a few days#so i feel like it’s not even worth it but at the same time i do need money bc the timing of this was terrible#BUT idk if i’m even eligible for unemployment bc i have a second job#i’m on demand there so i only work like once every couple months but it’s still a job so i’m not technically unemployed yk#and i was going through the eligibility requirements online and i can’t find anything related to that one way or the other#i want to just say fuck it and not worry about it#but is that stupid bc i currently only have like one job in mind to apply for and i don’t even know if they’re hiring yet#i feel like i’m being dumb and picky bc i’m still in college so it’s not like it’s a career thing i just need a job for now#preferably retail bc that’s what i’ve always done and i’m extremely opposed to the idea of a serving job#anyway it shouldn’t really matter that much bc it’s gonna be temporary#but i’m not the type to change jobs often (i’ve only ever had 2 and they’re the one i got laid off from and the one i’m still on demand at)#so wherever i end up working i’m planning on staying for at least a couple years so i want it to be something i at least somewhat enjoy#it just sucks so much having to go through this whole process#bc i was planning on staying at this last job until i finished school and possibly longer#and now i don’t have that option bc they let me go with no warning and no explanation#and i loved that job so i’ve been extremely depressed ever since i got the call#which just makes the whole unemployment/applying for new jobs thing so much harder#and i wish i could stop whining about it but it’s literally all i can think about i’m just! so unhappy rn!#vent#lj.txt
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