#i want to weigh less
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maybe it’ll get better if I get worse
#this is a girlblog#girlblogging#just girly posts#just girly things#just girly thoughts#lana del rey#girlhood#lizzy grant#coquette#female madness#femcel#female manipulator#sadgirl#i’m going insane#i’m so tired#i’m just a girl#i’m going crazy#i want to weigh less#i want to disappear#i wanna be perfect#why am i like this#why can’t I be perfect#girl interrupted#insane girl#i am slowly going insane#i need a lobotomy
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Also I got new glasses but I don’t think anyone but me and my sister like them lmao but I think they’re cute.
#maybe I leaned too hard into my keener identity and nerdcore doesn’t suit me#but I hate the look of glasses on me so I wanted to see less on my face lol#also glasses tend to be a sensory nightmare and these weigh nothing and feel like nothing so 👍🏽#idk man I think they look nice
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to be, or not to be (romanticization of the inevitable)
#ray's tag#keys' art#undescribed#skeletons#ok to reblog#the skeleton model that i traced for this was provided by the incredible kiku @kikunai whom you can find right here on tumblr!#so uh. This is a piece about chronic fatigue although the original idea i had for it drifted a bit as soon as I started coloring the linear#(i really enjoy shading and lighting things and got a bit carried away here but i stand by my choice because this is my favorite thing#that i've ever drawn)#anyways. i often feel especially lately with school being back in season that my bones are leaden with this sort of. weariness. theyre heav#it weighs on our mental health and energy a lot and although there's a couple of reasons we have been given for it#that doesn't remove the fact that this is still a thing that affects us in a very real way day to day although we are good at masking it.#often i come home to find that i do not have the physical mental or creative energy to work on things i really want to#especially project: nexus which i feel extra bad about even though i can't help it because i just started it so recently#it is a mild to moderate struggle to make it day to day and i just. wanted to represent this somehow#my original concept for this was a skeleton with some black goop gunk whatever leaking from its joints#but as i started adding the cracks and coloring them gold (a personal touch; kintsugi is a concept that is very dear to us)#i realized that the focus here was less on the condition itself and more on the body that it afflicts.#so i put it into a spotlight.#ironic i know since very little people acknowledge this irl or even know it exists at all but i added rim lighting. I added color gradients#I colored the lineart and made it all fancy and even added a flare for the head to get the point across that even at its core; disability i#a performance. this is not implying that disabilities are fake in fact this is the opposite of that. i wanted to show that with disabilitie#especially i think in my personal opinion the invisible ones#we are all masking at least a little bit during the vast majority of the day. humans are social creatures and it is only when we are alone#or with someone we deeply trust where we allow ourselves to be who we truly are without fear and even then that can be rare#so i wanted to show this bit of the soul in as broad a limelight as i could. idk this is a really abstract piece and i dont know if anyone#will even get it but it matters to me at least. and even though we've been largely bedridden for the past week i think that's okay#we will get it figured out. all of us. okay? okay. i love you. i fucking love you. we are going to fucking make it#(also the xes over the eyes are because i thought they looked cool they have no deeper meaning at least i think they dont#actually i think they do but i cant put it into words idk. Art is subjective assign your own meaning i'm gonna go get a shower)
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How do you compare and contrast rukia’s relationships with ichigo and renji?
Rukia and Ichigo:
She saved his life and then he had to put up with her
After some amount of initial frustration, built an intense friendship over a short period of time based mostly on admiration of each other's ideals and character
Rukia takes a mentorship role early in their relationship. Later, he greatly surpasses her in power, although she still occasionally gives him encouragement and support (largely by yelling at him)
Ride or die for each other
Tend to see each other for relatively brief, emotionally charged situations, with separations in-between. Although Ichigo was unhappy during the period that it seemed he might never see her again, this generally seems to work out for them. ("This isn't going to be the last time I say [good-bye], so who cares how many times I say it?")
Come from different planes of existence. Frequently find each other's views and behaviors to be weird and nonsensical, usually in a teasing way.
Can fight as a team, or part of a larger team, but show no particular preference for doing so. Ichigo tends to team up with most of his friends (and sometimes enemies) but his nature as the extra-powerful protagonist often has him fighting solo.
During the initial course of their friendship, they had a lot of solo time, but once Ichigo's shinigami powers become general knowledge, they are more likely to be seen as part of a larger group.
As far as we know, their relationship has no romantic or sexual aspects to it. This is a shounen, so they wouldn't show that anyway, but obviously through the power of fanfiction and wishful thinking, all things are possible.
Rukia and Renji:
She saved his life and then he had to put up with her
After some amount of initial frustration, built a strong friendship over a long period of time based on shared experiences, common ideals, and admiration of each other's character.
Although they have periods where one or the other pulls ahead or falls behind, are generally equal in power and rank. (Rukia yells at him just because she can)
Ride or die for each other
Work in the same organization, have a shared social circle, and (based on filler episodes) hang out regularly. Were both deeply lonely and unhappy during the period where they separated due to societal pressures.
Are very frequently the exact same flavor of batshit insane.
Will often preferentially team-up during combat scenarios, even though they are in different squads. Have basically been joined at the hip from the end of the Soul Society arc onward.
Sometimes they have to put up with Byakuya, but spend a lot of time (which is to say most of the Blood War and two New Year's episodes) one-on-one.
Are married, cohabitate, and have a child. This is a shounen, so they wouldn't show it, but Occam's razor would suggest that they are romantically and sexually attracted to one another. Obviously, once again, through the power of fanfiction and wishful thinking, all things are possible.
#i wrote this out in good faith but#when i get an anon ask wanting me to weigh in on the most contentious ship war in the fandom#(phrased like a 4th grade homework assignment no less)#i feel like you're just trying to get me to start shit and i don't care for it#there are so many more interesting things to talk about in the world
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ive never liked powerless saiki aus because the entire conclusion of the series is him accepting his powers as being a part of him that he cant change so like.. in aus where the power remover works, half of his development is erased..
if he had been "powerless" for longer, we wouldve gotten to see him realize this himself and im genuinely sad that we didnt.. we got to see him realize that being powerless wasnt the change he wished it would be and that its something he cant change, but its literally over a two day long period and we miss out on sooo much potential development..
and then in aus where hes born powerless, people think he would have the exact personality and development that he THOUGHT he would if he got rid of/didnt have his powers, like NO ? "without powers he would be another satou-" NO he would be a shy, borderline flamboyant, weird, awkward, genius LOSER.
he would have a more normal relationship with his brother (still probably competitive but in a way more average sibling way and kusuke wouldnt have had the motivation to become so murderous) and he would probably be even more friendless but with less trauma.. he may or may not have ever befriended akechi at all, and the classroom incident wouldnt have happened.. even some of his current friends might not be around if not for coincidences due to his powers or direct involvement from his powers.. (nendo and kaido would for sure still be there though, but this only ensures the idea that he would be the biggest fcking loser ever)
he would still be saiki, but. his powers are a key part of him. he would be totally different without them, but NOT in the way he thinks he would..
#also realistically he would be just as much of a stubborn asshole tsundere without his powers cmon#like yea his anxiety might present itself more as shyness than it does in canon him#but hes still an awkward stubborn asshole tsundere like thats just who the guy is#hes extra shy and maybe extra cute without his abilities to make people not find him cute#and is also like extremely ditzy and clumsy like he is in canon but its more visible to people because he doesnt have the powers to hide it#idk the point is his little quirks he thinks he wouldnt have would still be there but he wouldnt have the same faux justifications for them#need canon saiki to see an alternate universe him where he was born powerless#and hes like 'wow im going to see my ideal average me!'#and then au him is some super quirky ditzy clumsy kid with severe anxiety and also dysphoria#and he doesnt have powers to avoid being bullied like we see him do multiple times#this guy doesnt realize he will always be a loser no matter what#he loses key parts of himself and doesnt even realize that a lot of the parts left behind are still parts of himself that he hates#i know a lot of people think he would be much less jaded powerless which i get but#a lot of aspects of his personality that have less to do with his powers are a lot of the parts that he doesnt like and gets made fun of fo#so he would probably only be slightly less jaded and his awkwardness would just weigh it out a little more#though its hard to pinpoint exactly which aspects of him are only due to his powers#a lot of them are but i personally think those specific key personality traits would remain#anyway i would love to see what his relationship with his family would be like if he was born powerless#and i want to know who his friends would be#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#meows post
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uhhh thoughts on alabasta ratman sleep-deprived and weed fueled ace vs peak chad energy fuckboy prime wano ace?? like which one do you prefer, do you have any thoughts if he’d treat/think of luffy any different? in these two periods of his life?
(also ugh I adore both and there’s something special about alabasta ace who went after luffy to drum island, made sure everyone knew he would be waiting for luffy in alabasta, then went and sat there for 10 days with no other purpose but to wait for luffy. bc he just wanted to see him so so much. brocon alabasta ace is uhhhgggghh insane vibes but. there’s also something about wano graciously giving everyone big tits and a healthy layer of fat tissue on top of all that muscle. also the fact that portgas d “i hate when little children follow me around” ace willingly befriended and took care of tama. also promised her the same thing he promised luffy. idkidkidk I just like to think luffy was on ace’s mind 90% of the time, wherever he went, and he often just thought about him bc a lot of thinks reminded him of luffy. like things luffy would like, things he’d like to eat, things he’d find funny etc)
I thought this would be easy to answer but then I had like a whole essay typed up in my head. so. thank you for this ask, I have a lot of feelings about it apparently. 😂😂
they really do feel like 2 different characters, maybe bc Oda was still firming up the details of marineford/wano when Ace first appeared in alabasta? In any case it's always fun seeing which "version" of him fans lean into in fanart/fic/headcanons hahaha. like do they make him more scrungly and sleazy (but maybe also secretly doting)? you got yourself a greasy Ace fan. do they make him all upstanding and softly affectionate and soulful? wano ace wano ace wano ace
(a lot more rambling from here)
I have to admit...... and I'm ashamed to say it............... but I was only half-aware of Ace in Alabasta—like at that point, he was just another "wacky cool shounen guy" to me. It took Marineford breaking my brain down to its component parts and rearranging them for my full Ace brainrot to set in, and at that point he was closer to Ethereal Fridged Wife wano Ace, so I'd probably go with that one? God I do need to rewatch Alabasta tho, I feel like it'd be such a trip of fawning over greasy ratman Ace this time around ahahahah
I think it took until Marineford for me to really latch onto Ace bc it was outwardly like: Alabasta Ace: I'm cool Marineford Ace: I'm cool [ironic][hiding INTENSE self-worth issues]
I agree with everything you said though... I love wrinkly, wrung-out-to-dry Alabasta Ace and his devil-may-care coolness. His vibes of being just a bit more of a rebel than any of the Strawhats even, the thing that makes people cast him as a guitarist or artist in modern AUs. that fuckin,,,,, crouch/perching thing he does,,,, The WAITING... he's so understated with his devotion, like, this panel??
he's trying to be so cool and older brother-y but really he just wants his little brother to visit him sometimes!!! he waited for luffy for 10 days when he's been prioritizing this mission over everything else, even being with his other found-family crew, and I just!!! sigh
"any thoughts if he’d treat/think of luffy any different" I so agree that Wano Ace is pre-Whitebeard Ace, meaning that even though he's presenting himself as independent and a leader/captain, there's a part of him that's still very angry and searching for acceptance. And yesss, bc of that he was probably holding his memories of Luffy so close all the time, seeing his brother who loves him in the innocent, trusting kid he helps, and unable to stop bragging about his brave little brother to the brash, impressive club-weilding guy he runs into.
meanwhile I feel like Alabasta Ace is actually more mellowed-out in his feelings toward Luffy, in a way? like idk, maybe—I might be completely off—but he's more secure in himself and his attachment to Luffy... or at least he tells himself he is. I just feel like that explains why he's shown to be so openly brag-y about Luffy in his Wano days, but seems way more laidback in Alabasta, haha (but the brocon devotion is still there, just better-hidden, lmaoooo) (and it gets ripped to the forefront during Marineford—he's forced to confront all that fear and attachment when he sees Luffy hurtling through the air toward him AH)
god tho. wano ace. wano ace and this gif
the things. the things i want to do to this man. the morals i would abandon. unspeakable.
and this???? him??????????????? sunkissed angel backlit like the once-in-a-lifetime love interest in a twee indie film???
yeah I... in summary, I feel like I have 60/40 preference for Wano Ace over Alabasta Ace, but really it's that mix of all those qualities that I like to bring in when i can.
(my secret third answer is Marineford Ace. the blorbo who started it all, lmao)
#gosh.... what you wrote about wano ace...#him seeing luffy in everything at least a little bit#i'm stopping here#thank you for coming to my ted talk#meta#headcanons#acelu#?#edit to add more in the tags bc like#i also feel like alabasta ace does this thing#where he rushes his goodbye to luffy#he knows (or thinks?) luffy is less attached than he is#and since he doesn't want to 'hold luffy back' or weigh him down#he tries to say goodbye first#and then you get luffy canonly being like 'wait!!! can't you stay longer?? :((('#i just#what if ace worried that if he stayed any longer he wouldn't be able to make himself leave#after seeing luffy in the flesh and both remembering how cute he is and seeing what an impressive person he's grown/growing into#idk i mean that take is probably a little overdramatic#buuuuuut it's also probably not totally off base right??
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Haven't seen anyone do this but,
wlw themed Th!n$pø
#thin$po#@nor3×14#thinsi#queer#thin$p0#wlw#lesbian#i wish i was thinner#wlw th!n$pø#i want to be thinner#eat less weigh less#th1nnsp0#thinspø#th1gh g@p#tw thinspi#th11n$p0#an0rexsick#an4rexia#4n0rexic#4norexla#4n4rexia#4n4blr#4nor3xia#4ana#an4r3xia
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fuckfuckfuck I love my mother but oh god do I hate her and more importantly myself thanks to her
#im trying so hard not to cry right now bc she’ll get annoyed at me for making a ‘big dramatic reaction’#but she fucking told me that I looked like I gained weight#and that I really needed to start losing some#and I checked the scale and she told me that usually at the end of the day I weigh a pound or two less than what I told her I weighed#it’s the end of the day and ive been eating all loads of junk food from a beach day#I work so fucking hard to actually accepting that I need food and can’t just fucking restrict it#but she makes it so impossible to tolerate my body and to actually eat food when im hungry/crave something#I want to be able to eat like my skinnier friends#fuck im crying now#fuck#blippity blap
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Has anyone else noticed the Cat Distribution System kicking into high gear this blessed August/September? Between myself and my loved ones I shit you not we have had 5 cats come into our lives over the past month.
#Unrelated but if anyone in the Central Wisconsin area is looking for an animal companion#there are TWO! (2) Options for you#wildly friendly longhaired tortie girl. who meows her heart out when she wants attention but is otherwise mindful and demure#wildly friendly orange and white dumbass who weighs less than a football and needs his balls removed#both of these cats are just existing outside rn and I can't do anything about that godbless
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wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.
#vent#for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode#like constantly#from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived#to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week#and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally#not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic#and now someone died in my family#not someone very close but i liked them#and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing#because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter#so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with#because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter..#i'd just want a week where nothing happens#and like the writing is weighing heavy on me#because i miss it#also i wish i could finish something#i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off#also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit#i bought new furniture#because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly#which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself#just because i was too burnt out to write#and i wanted something nice to happen to me#like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice#and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns#and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken#because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid#yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job#long pathetic whine and overshare over
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Just cried after finding out I weigh 2kg more then what I thought I was
😍😍
#this is a girlblog#girlblogging#just girly posts#just girly things#just girly thoughts#lana del rey#girlhood#lizzy grant#coquette#gaslight gatekeep girlblog#i’m going insane#i wanna be perfect#i’m just a girl#tw ed but not sheeran#i want to cry#I want to weigh less
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i guess im being offered the job lol
#i didnt even have to interview????? here i was worrying about oh god going for an interview#but i guess not???#manager called me just now and was like hey i spoke w the people they want to know if you can start on these dates#like. okay???????#theres a week of training for me to do and then the following week id start at thee job#like an idiot as i was saying bye on the phone i only remembered then that i should have asked if it was PAID training ugh.#im assuming so . but maybe not. idk#im gonna call him back on monday to give my answer#this is it.... i may finally be free of the annoying people....#but like anything i have my trepidations. bc who know if itll work out#well thats life. as the song goes#fortunately im still within the timeframe to change the amount for my commuter benefits pretax card thing#bc the monthly pass id need for the new job#costs like less than half of what i pay now for the bus to ny#crazyyyyy. anyway i gotta do that if i decide to take the job#its more money (a little. but still more. ok its like a dollar and 4 cents more. which not a lot but still)#i get more sleepytime (always good) and im saving on commuting#plus ill only have to pay nj (and federal) taxes. instead of also paying ny yay. thats good#sorry again weighing the pros and cons onstage here#UH. what else#well a shorter commute is good but it means less reading/music listening time#although ive only resumed reading recently lol#idk. well then i could read at home and not worry about my books getting messed up#these past couple weeks ive been :( that the like 70-something year old paperback ive been taking is getting a bit rougher#only a little. but yesterday it got a bit wet bc my bag got soaked in the rain#why am i taking a super old book to work well i dont know what to tell you we have some old books#ok getting off topic. everything seems good about the new job so fuck dude i guess ill go for it#finally free of the stupid people here.... on to new stupid people (undoubtedly)#well it's probably all good then but unfortunately i always worry what if it isnt. hm
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After eating so little all week I made myself sick I found out today that not only did I hit my goal weight of like 2 years or something I went slightly under it. Instead of being happy I half convinced myself that my scale must be broken because i still don't feel skinny yet. Apparently I lost about 11 lbs/5 something kg in about 40 days which doesn't even seem like a lot. My app switched me to maintenance and the thought of eating even if I'm allowed to made me feel ill so I've decided to lose even more weight. Bordering on underweight because surely at that point I'll feel small enough. And I won't keep doing this. I'm sensing a pattern here I fear
#goddddd#why am i like this#why does weighing less then i did at 12 not have any kick to it#also ate too much and almost cried today#fucking lame#half told my girlfriend#i dont know what i want#i dont want to stop because i just cant face that#but i cant let her keep hearing even vague stuff about how im crying over dinner and shit#i want someone to get it so bad#but im glad she doesn't#idk#tw body issues#tw disordered eating#tw restriction#tw 3d vent#tw skipping meals#tw disordered thoughts
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ok now that i've been on y'all's case about erasing pan & bi characters' identities. can we stop making all of the bg3 cast skinny thx
#like at least nobody makes halsin or karlach skinny but halsin needs to be a BEAR ok. not a netflix geralt.#the only characters who are skinny in my mind are astarion (literally starving) and lae'zel (since gith canonically weigh about 100 lbs)#bg3#ppl who make the ab-less gale and astarion mods are my heroes but i want M O R E
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HEARTBREAKING: Person within your oppressed group acts as if they speak for every single other person in the group
#i'm inviting trouble with this one tbh but this is ok to rb. in a rare bitchy mood rn and idc. go for it <3 i'll mute the post if i have to#physically disabled people and our opinions are NOT a monolith i promise skjdksjd#nothing ever is#one person cannot speak for all of us. though this is less one thing and more a general pattern i see sometimes#usually i ignore online opinions I don't see eye to eye with but i had to have my petty moment for this pattern ngl#anyways. i explicitly disagree with other physically disabled people who act like other disabilities are of lower priority or for attention#or who act as if otherwise disabled people are constantly derailing disabled discussion by adding onto it#either explicitly outline a discussion as for fellow physically disabled people only from the get-go#or you can't get mad when wider ranges of disabled people weigh in!#like i GET IT it sucks to feel derailed or spoken over but it's on you to set those parameters if you want to#idk sometimes it's giving 'let the REAL disabled people talk' and i kind of fucking hate it tbh#okay that's my divisive opinion for the month o7 see yall later
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I need to stop thinking about him I need to stop thinking about him I need to stop thinking about him
#and I can't just get high when I don't wanna deal with problems bc that's not ok#it's so weird to go from being rlly good friends to casual hookups to nothing at all#I don't even know how to move on bc we were never together and I don't even have romantic feelings for him anymore#I just really miss him#not just the physical stuff but I miss being friends and laughing together#and I know I have a right to be mad at him to some extent but I also feel like if I was less emotional then everything would be fine#he's probably just one of those guys that loses interest after sex but why am I still bothered even tho it's been months#I really cared about him and it hurts to be so distant#I feel like i've fucked everything up bc I got mad at him when really I was mad at myself and my insecurities and also him for ghosting me#but I shouldn't have gotten mad bc we were on good terms and now everything is weird again#and I need to get better and regulating my emotions so I don't do impulsive shit#everything is just rlly weighing on me#it's so strange that we didn't talk for over a month then I got high and texted him and now everything is so much more messy#I want to be completely over him but a part of me still holds on and imagines what could have been#if he had been in love with me or if I hadn't been so overbearing
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