#I want to be able to eat like my skinnier friends

[randomravager]

fuckfuckfuck I love my mother but oh god do I hate her and more importantly myself thanks to her

[shadowsviper]

Thanos and Nam-Gyu as Cats

I mean as literal cats.

I've been wanting to continue my Birds of a Feather fic but idk if I want to continue it. I have part two half written and I could finish it and post it but that would mean a part three, four, and so on. It's been like a month since I posted the first part and it does end without any cliffhangers so I feel like I could just leave it without continuing it?

Feel free to leave any recommendations for new fics though, no full smuts though I'm bad at writing them. I only write for Thanos and Nam-gyu at the moment. Please don't expect them to be done in a few days either lmao I'm a senior college student I'm busy af and I only write when I have time.

Anyway, enjoy Thanos and Nam-Gyu as cats, and you eventually finding them! I kept reader neutral.

Part 2 - Part 3

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Thanos is an orange cat

Nam-gyu is either a black cat or a tuxedo cat

Not a single brain cell between the two of them

Thanos is bigger than Nam-gyu but skinnier due to not being able to eat much on the streets

Thanos has a long tail and he has little control over it. He's smacked Nam-gyu multiple times before without realizing

Nam-gyu has longer fangs, his top ones stick out of his mouth and he thinks it makes him look badass but to Thanos and everyone else, they think he looks adorable

They were strays for a long time. They found each other on a rainy day.

Nam-gyu had a little cardboard box under some stairs, it's not the best home in the world, but it's the best he's ever had. Thanos squeezed himself into the box one day, drenched from the rain. He didn't realize Nam-gyu was already inside but he couldn't care, he was just happy to be out of the rain

Nam-gyu definitely hissed and scratched at Thanos the second he saw him climb in

Thanos couldn't be bothered at all

Nam-gyu decided to leave him be for the night, assuming he'd be gone in the morning

He was wrong, Thanos didn't leave. In fact, he never left.

They quickly got used to each other and decided to stay together. Thanos did most of the hunting when they were hungry since he was faster than Nam-gyu. He would always return with food, scraps taken from people nearby

Thanos was more likely to get into fights with other cats. Whether it's over territory, food, or literally anything. Nam-gyu has to drag him away every time. If Nam-gyu wasn't there, then Thanos would definitely return home with a few scratches

The two of them were smart when they needed to be. When the two of them would go out to hunt together, Nam-gyu became the distraction. He would purposely rub against the store owner's legs, meowing. The store owner would kneel down to pet him and it took everything in him to not try and bite their hand.

While the store owner was distracted, Thanos would jump over the products and snatch up a big fish. As soon as his paws hit the ground, Nam-gyu chased after him, leaving the store owner confused for a second before he realized what they had done

That strategy kept them fed for a while before they started getting recognized and shooed away before they got close to food

At this point, it's probably been about a year since they found each other. Their home remained the same spot, the little cardboard box they met in. That was until their alleyway was cleaned up and their home was gone

Nam-gyu refused to leave for a while. That spot had been his home for the longest time. He didn't know where else to go

It took a while for Thanos to convince him to leave the spot and find a better place. He had suggested places across the river, where the people had more money, meaning more and better food, and maybe even a better home

They slowly made their way across the river, purposely moving at night to avoid people.

If they ever moved during the day, it was guaranteed that Thanos would try to get people to pet him and give him all their attention

Nam-gyu hissed every time a hand came close to him

If he hadn't considered Thanos as a friend, he would've bitten his head off by now

After traveling for a few days, they settled in a alleyway, next to a small cafe. Scraps were limited but it tasted better than anything they had before

This is where you meet them

You were closing the cafe one night and out of the corner of your eye, you saw an orange cat sitting at the corner of the alleyway. You could tell he wasn't getting enough food, the poor cat was scrawny for his size

You knelt down and offered a hand for him to sniff, only for him to simply shove his head into your hand. You could hear the rough purrs coming from him as you scratched his chin

"You're probably starving, huh?" you reached into your bag and pulled out your lunch from earlier. It was just some leftover chicken. You offered it to the cat

After a few sniffs, Thanos ate the chicken without any hesitation. He picked up the last few pieces and looked up at you. He blinked once before walking away and disappearing into the dark alleyway

It was days before you saw the cat again. This time he was sitting at the entrance of the cafe, meowing for your attention.

You gave him your leftovers again and watched as he ate it, took the rest, and disappeared. It became your routine for a few weeks

The next time you saw him again, he was with another cat. He was a sleek black cat with piercing eyes. You could tell he wasn't as friendly as the orange one

"Are they the ones giving you food?" Nam-gyu had asked. His tail flicked from side to side, distrust was evident in all his movements

"Yeah, I didn't even have to do anything. The food is good so I kept coming back," Thanos had said

You didn't know the two of them were talking to each other. All you heard were meows and assumed they were asking for food so you fed them

It took Nam-gyu a while to trust you. He would snatch the food up and eat it from a distance

Thanos was easily attached to you, he loved the attention, the warmth. He soaked it all up

Nam-gyu was the complete opposite, he had a natural distrust of humans and refused to get any closer than he needed. You're lucky if you can hand him some food without him hissing

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I'm gonna end this here lmao this became longer than what I planned. I might make a part 2.

I kinda want to make this idea into a fic idk though. Please give me some ideas.

[iwillreachallmygoals]

MY reasons for losing weight

1. I was the happiest when I weighed less

2. I want evryone to be able to pick me up easily

3. I don’t want people to suffer when I sit in their lap.

4. I don’t want a flat stomach I want one that goes inward

4. I want to be able to wrap my palms around my thigh

5. I want revealing clothes to look amazing on me and not make me look like a whore.

6. I want people to treat me like I’m a fragile porcelain doll

7. I want the attention

8. I want people to worry about me

9. I want to eat in front of my friends and be significantly skinnier than them

10. I want evryone to be jealous of me and my dedication and consistency

11. I want to look more classy

12. I want my future boyfriend to be able to pick me up with one arm

13. I want to be beautiful

14. I want to fall in love with the feeling of having an empty stomach

15. I want to have long hair that you can see behind my waist from the front.

16. I want to have a 20 inch waist

17. I want to look unreal

18. I want to be someone’s thinspo

19. I want my body checks to be praised on tumblr

20. I want to sweat less in summer

21. I want to end up in a clinic

22. I want to be a size 0/XS

23. I want to lie to people and eat only in front of them so they think I’m naturally skinny

24. I want to look as young as possible

25. I want my breath to always smell like mint gum and never food

26. I want to be as skinny as the most popular models

27. I want to blow up for being skinny online and for girls to use me as inspo on TikTok and insta

28. I like will look fuller when I lose face fat

29. I went to step on the scale fully clothed in front of someone and still be considered extremely underweight

30. I went to make every girl that cheats in her diet feel bad because they wish they looked like me.

31. I want to make heads turn in public when people see how small my waist is.

32. I want my future boyfriend to be able to fit my waist in his palm

33. I want my current watches to be loose on my wrists

34. I want to be skinnier than my sister

35. I went to be happy.

[captain-mj]

Hiiiiiii I was wondering if we could get some more of that fic where ghost and soap switch traumatic back stories ? The story has been playing on my mind for ages and I would really like to see more! (: 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Jumps straight into Soap drawing a naked Ghost. You've been warned.

Simon stripped slowly in front of him before sitting on Soap's bed.

Johnny swallowed. He was still fully clothed, but it felt weird. Slowly, he peeled off his gloves and grabbed his art supplies. "Sit naturally. No need for ya to pose."

Ghost sat back, in just his boxers. He adjusted until he felt comfortable. "Could you live out my scars? I know they're probably not the most attractive."

Soap felt his heart squeeze. He'd never undress in front of Ghost. That was decided immediately.

"Alright. Any other adjustments? Want me to make you skinnier and your tits bigger?"

Ghost smiled at him. "I love how witty you are."

Soap quickly looked at his paper. He started to sketch the proportions and basic shapes of him. His eyes kept glancing up to scan over him and then guide his hand where it needed to go.

Slowly, he found himself lost in the artwork. It wasn't as realistic as he used to be able to do. Something a little off in the proportions. Time passed by and his alarm went off, indicating it was now 7 am sharp. He blinked, realizing they had stayed there for about two hours.

Ghost's eyes had slid shut and there was something restful about him. However, the moment the pencil stopped scratching at the paper, his eyes opened again. He looked at Soap with a smile. Dimples showing. "Can I see?"

"No." Soap closed his notebook. "Get dressed. You're on duty now."

"Yes, sir." Ghost got up and got dressed. "If you want to do this again though, I'd love to." He walked out of Soap's room and directly into Gaz.

Gaz stared at him and Ghost went from the confident, sweet guy he was around Soap to the regular Sergeant he was around Gaz. Soap wondered at times on which one was the real Simon. Maybe neither were. He didn't like that idea, deciding that the Simon he got behind closed doors was the real one.

Ghost turned bright red. "Sergeant Garrick!" He almost saluted before quickly putting his hand behind down.

Gaz look at Soap. "You fucked him??"

Soap stomped past them both. "Enough, Gaz. I'm going to go eat."

-

Soap knew exactly what Price wanted to talk to him about. He just didn't want to talk to him.

Price looked concerned. "What made you change your mind?"

"There was no fraternization, sir."

"Really? He was leaving your room with his shirt inside out."

"I was drawing him." Price paused and stared at him, a clear indication for him to continue. "I was... drawing Ghost. We were hanging out, like we do most mornings, completely platonically, and I got the urge to draw. He posed. That's all."

Price softened. "Alright."

"What? That easy?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to check in. I'm glad you two are friends. You deserve someone simple, just nice to you."

Soap nodded, tugging at his mask. He wanted to tell Price he was wrong. Ghost was a lot more complicated than he let on.

Price smiled. "MacTavish. We have a sniper mission. You and Ghost will be going."

Soap nodded. "Understood, sir."

Price dismissed him and Soap gathered Ghost up. Ghost was the sniper and he was lookout.

Simon turned off the moment he was on scope, eyes sharpening to look for everything. He stayed laying down.

Johnny wanted to draw him again.

"We going to talk about it?"

"What?"

"We kissed."

Soap grunted. "So?"

"Did it mean anything?"

"What are we? School girls?"

Simon looked at him for a moment, frowning. He looked a bit hurt but he turned back to his gun. "Sorry, sir."

Johnny watched him. "Dating me... it isn't a good idea for you."

"I know."

Johnny winced, almost instinctively snapping at him before realizing just how hypocritical it could be. "If you met me before..."

"Don't." Simon said softly. "Just... please. I can handle rejection. I can tell myself you just don't see me that way. That becomes a lot harder when if you tell me maybe another life. Another time. Please, just... reject me and move on."

Johnny wanted to take off his mask. Wanted to kiss Simon again. Feel those plush lips.

As if his mind knew happiness was in his grasp, he remembered the last time he trusted someone. The last time someone kissed him. Skull makeup staring at him.

It was for the best. He didn't want to taint Simon.

A bang.

One bullet.

Simon sat up, taking apart his sniper rifle. "Target down, sir. Mission complete."

"Good job, Sergeant."

[blankiebloo]

I'll try.

I do realize that I have some things I'm already working on, but this popped into my head and felt a little bit more important to me-

Characters: Childe x Gn!Reader, Venti x Gn!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of depression, cutting, slight mention of a eating disorder

Venti

You two used to hang around each other almost everyday, but recently, he's noticed that you've started to hang around people less and less. He's noticed all of the changes in your behavior: he's noticed that on your days off, you don't seek anyone out anymore, you're actually not seen at all. And when you are around, you look skinnier than before like you haven't been eating; and your eyes are all red too.

He caught you leaving your house on one of your days off for the first time in a while, he was so happy that you left your house that he followed you, he followed you all the way to Starsnatch Cliff and watched as you sat down close to the edge..too close to the edge.

"You know, it isn't safe sitting that close to the edge," he spoke, finally making himself known as he stepped closer to you. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you sat that close on purpose.." his voice was quiet and somber unlike his normal cheery tone.

You turned your head to the side as you watched him sit next to you. He looked at the sky in front of you, his gaze soft and worried. He didn't need you to tell him what was wrong, and he figured that you didn't wish to speak by how quiet you were.

He turned his gaze to your stiff and saddened expression, you looked so tired. "Do you wish to talk to me, my friend? I know I'm no professional but, I'm sure it's better to finally get your feelings out there instead of bottling them up, hm?" He tilted his head, waiting for you to speak or not.

You nodded and looked in front of you, gazing at the horizon but also gazing somewhere far away, some place no one could touch. You opened your mouth, and the words that you spoke instantly made Venti's heart drop, "Venti, I don't want to live anymore." Your expression was so cold and unbothered, it was like what you said was something so normal, something everyone says.

"[Name], what-" he reached out and touched your shoulder only to pull his hand back when you hissed in pain at the touch. "[Name]. Could you show me your shoulder."

His voice sounded so serious, you looked at him and your eyes started to tear up, your lip quivered as you started crying. "Venti, I-I can't do this anymore! It's getting so hard now, I don't want to live like this anymore!" You hid your face in your hands as you continued to sob.

His gaze softened as he continued to look at you, he reached out and pulled you into him and caressed your head. "Live like what?"

"Live how I am!" You yelled into his blouse, grabbing onto it. "I don't want to live hoping that tomorrow will be better only for it to be the same! I want to be happy and be able to calm myself down when I panic, not cut myself to calm down! It gets so hard to continue on living just for the sake of living, what's the point of living if I'm just going to die in the end?"

Venti's heart sank as he held you closer to himself, "[Name], I may not know everything about you and everything that happens in your life, but I promise you, that your life is worth every breathe I have."

His hug got tighter, but it didn’t hurt; you moved your face to look at his and he was already staring at you. "You deserve to live a life full of happiness, [Name]. Promise me that you'll live, promise me that you'll try?"

Tears started to fall faster as you nodded and buried your face into his chest again, sobbing your emotions out as you tried your best to stable yourself.

"I'll try, Venti. I'll try to do it."

He smiled as he kissed the top of your head. The wind had started to pick up as he sat there with you in his arms, slowly swaying back 'nd forth, he need not play any music to calm you down, for the winds played the song of his heart, and it sang out to you, begging for you to hear it and give your life a chance.

You two sat in silence except for your sniffling. You felt him squeeze your arm twice before he says, "I'd still really like to see your shoulders though, [Name]. I need to make sure those cuts don't get infected."

"Alright." You sit up and loosen your shirt a bit so he can check your shoulders, and as he does so you continue to look up and watch as the sun sets, focusing back on that place you see somewhere far away where nobody else can go.

Childe

Usually when you two spar, he'd barely hold back, but you weren't really sparring back with him. You were more like, slowly dogging and practically hitting him very lightly.

"Comrade, are you okay? You don't really seem to be in the sparring mood today," he stopped fighting as soon as he spoke, not wanting you to get distracted and get hurt.

It's like that question just broke you, and you started crying and sniffling. Childe rushed up to you worried, "Hey, hey, it's okay, whats wrong?" He asked as he pulled you into a hug.

"Childe, I...I want you to kill me."

His eyes widened and he pulled away and stared at you, concern, shock, confusion, it was all over his face as he started to question you fairly loud, "Kill you?! Why would I kill you?! Comrade, whats wrong? Why would you ever ask me to do that?"

You started to sob as your fist hit his chest, "Why won't you?! Why won't you just end my suffering already?! You were so willing to before when you mistook me for the traveler! Why not now?!"

He grabbed your wrist with one hand and your chin with the other as he forced you to meet his gaze, "Because I care for you! I don't want you to die, I want you to live out your life to the fullest and make memories!"

He stepped back and took your hands in his. "I want you to take care of yourself."

"But why should I?" Your tone was bitter. "We all live just to die anyways, why not make it go faster?"

Childe looked stunned. His brows furrowed as he spoke again, "You should live because the world always has a place for you to be happy and free. And you just haven't found it yet, and I don't think you should give up, not yet not ever."

"Promise me, that you'll live, that you'll go out and make your mark on peoples lives and make yourself smile. You deserve to be happy."

You wipe your tears off and look to the side. "I can't promise you that. But I'll promise you that I'll try."

"Try?! But, [Name]-"

"I don't like to make promises that I know I'll go back on, that is why I can't promise you anything other than the fact that I'll try. I'll try because you asked me to." You stare into his eyes, your gaze serious and pained.

He sighs and places a hand on your shoulder, "Fine, at least try. Thank you." He kisses your cheek. "Go home and get some rest, Comrade, all that crying can make you tired." He smiles and walks away with a wave.

You place your hand on your shoulder as you watch him walk away, a pitiful and numb smile lays on your face as you speak, "I'll try."

A/N: I know that this won't fit for all people, but this is how I have felt and I took all of the things that reader has said from my own head.

I get that it's hard, and I was just struggling when I came up with idea to write this, but please, at least try. We're all trying and so am I, try because you never know when it might get better.<3

[disneyanddisneyships]

@gyubby99

TPOIF

The next morning Alistar walked into the dining hall, everyone turning to stare at him. He stood awkwardly before sitting down at the seat near the corner of the room. "You should eat, dear," Carol stated as she pushed her plate toward him gently. "I'm not hungry, mom. I promise. I'm fine," He smiled. "You need to eat too," "Alistar I eat all the time. You have problems with eating I want you to eat," Carol muttered. "Mom, i-" Alistar was interrupted when Elias placed a big plate of food in front of Alistar. "You're skinnier than a sword. You won't be able to wield one if you don't eat. You might need more energy to stab me again," Eli stated. "I.. I'm not gonna stab you again.. i-" "Just eat it," Eli stated, looking away uncomfortably and sitting down by his kids. Alistar glanced at Ella's family. And then the food. Carol Gave an encouraging smile before Alistar took a bite of the food, almost crying at how good it was. There was a knock on the dining hall door. "Hello. I'm here for the king and queen's family portrait?" A woman stated, standing awkwardly in the door. "Ah yes! Im.. afraid were in a bit of a luckle as of late. We're about to uh.. defend our kingdom... can you come back another day?" Ella asked as she stood up. "Oh.. uh... actually im... here for a month and the boat doesn't arrive until then... so i...." the girl stated with an awkward smile. "Oh no worries! How about you stay in the castle? You may have breakfast with us if you'd like," Ella stated. "I.. really?" The woman asked. "Dios mio..... I'd love to!" She stated. "Wonderful! And your name is?" Ella asked. "Rosalyn. But you can call me Rosa," the woman, now known as Rosa, stated. "Well, I'm Ella, that's my family. My sister, my kids, my husband, my father and mother and a few of my old friends," Ella stated, introducing everyone. Rosa waved. "And this is alistar," Ella stated awkwardly. Alistar looked up, his plate of food completely finished before glancing at Rosalyn, his eyes widening. Rosa looked at him the same way. Alistar swallowed the last of his food before giving a small smile. Rosalyn blushed. Carol looked between them excitedly. "I... uh... I'm Rosa," she stated, holding out her hand for alistar to shake. Alistar stood up immediately, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles. "Im.. Alistar.. its.. nice to meet you," He stated with a blush plastered on his face. Eli rolled his eyes and cleared his throat, causing the two to step away from each other, Alistar sitting back down. Only to stand up again to pull out a chair for Rosalyn.

...... After breakfast, Alistar gave the rundown of his father's castle. Hiding places, crawl areas, and even secret rooms. "Oh so that's how you snuck extra cookies when you were six," Carol smirked. "That was eons ago, mother of mine! I haven't had a cookie in 30 years!" Alistar stated confidently. Ella chuckled. "I remember you brought me some one visit. I thought you said your dad knew," Ella stated. "He did not. When he found out, I was in a world of trouble. He burned off one of my fingerprints," Alistar stated with a clueless smile. Ella's smile fell. "Anyways, so if we go in through the dungeons, we can get through and go to this secret room over here which leads us right into his study. He usually spends most of his time in there anyways," Alistar explained. "But he probably knows you've escaped by now. And he grew up in that castle.. won't he expect us?" Clarissa asked. "That's why I'm gonna go in alone first. He expects me to stay away. Not to join in on battle," Alistar replied. "I don't know if I trust that," Eli muttered with a glare. Alistar shrugged. "Trust me or don't. It's the only chance we get," Alistar muttered. "Everyone gets a second chance. I mean. You and Rosalyn seemed pretty cozy at breakfast," Mia stated with a smirk. Alistar blushed. "What? No we werent!" He argued, his voice going up an octave. The entire group stared at him with raised eyebrows. "Oh cmon guys. Im.... I'm dead. Shes...... I'm gonna be gone after tomorrow when you figure this out, I have no shot. Besides... i...." Alistar trailed off, glancing at ella. "I don't deserve love after what I did," "Exactly," Elias stated. "Doesn't matter. Right now, we need to work on getting into that castle. We've already wasted half the day," Alruna muttered. "Shes right. If we don't leave now, John could strike. We need to get into the castle. The plan has to happen now," Clarissa stated. "Then we leave in 20," Ella replied.

[toothlespoggers]

GUYS I WAS LISTENING TO SUNROOF (the kidz bop version because I love how childish and vibey that specific song sounds in that version, don’t judge me) and I had a great idea.

so you know how I’ve been working on that character Razzle Dazzle for some time now? Getting his lore, comic and everything planned and worked out.

Image for those who aren’t familiar with Raz

Image description thingie: A small round octopus-like creature with a purple body and cyan splotches. One giant yellow eye with a red pupil.

my “fresh parasite” that’s actually just a species of monster native to waterfalls deep water named the Squimic

basically they’re creatures that have the intelligence of a regular small monster and an octopus, they have a mix of octopus and squid traits and can see perfectly in the dark but are sensitive to light. They’re semi aquatic meaning they can survive on land if they stay in a moist environment, they eat sugary foods primarily and survive by camouflaging themselves like a octopus, their natural colours blend right in with the marsh of waterfall and the bioluminescent spots make them look like a mushroom, which not only stops them from being spotted but also helps alert predators that they are in fact poisonous (about as deadly as a blue ring octopus but safe to handle just don’t eat it.)

The plot hole I was having was relating to the idea of the sans having sentience if he took the body of the sans despite not being a fresh parasite, so to fix this I came up with the idea that- instead of taking the body of a sans, he just uses his mimic shapeshifting ability to change his appearance to mimic a sans

it’d explain why his body changes when he meets fresh and decides to copy his appearance and behaviour. How he goes from round classic sans to a slightly different shape- skinnier and taller. He’s a shapeshifter, that’s why he never had eyelights, that’s why he bleeds rainbow. That’s how he’s able to turn from little squid man to skeleton. He’s a shapeshifter.

y’all are free to ask me questions and I can answer them if you want. hopefully everyone will think it’s cool!

I’ve been told by friends and stuff that my whole raz idea is a really unique fresh sans. Since he’s like his own thing ^^

[nicfeind]

I started taking a medication for adhd a few days ago…… I am fat I always have been and gained so much weight this last year from depression and just doing all the wrong things and I really had lost hope that’s I was gonna get back on track and fix my life (and body) I was 170 maybe 165 at my lowest I had never been so happy with myself

And not even because of how I thought, I looked to other people. It was just how I felt about myself I’ve always been the fat kid and the fat friend. I dreamed about being skinny since I was 5. Hoping and praying by the time I was graduated I’d be thin and that day didn’t start coming until I hyperfixated on trying to be skinny. And it worked but it wasn’t something I was able to keep doing when I moved out on my own. My dad was a super gym rat and is always trying to loose weight and “be healthy” he was so proud of me when I was loosing so much weight. I was throwing up in the shower after every meal and on the cusp of trying to end my life but he was so proud of me.

Even today when I told him I couldn’t eat he said maybe that isn’t such a bad thing

I can’t eat. No food noise no cravings food that I normally like just turns me off. I feel motivated to go to the gym and I feel like I’m getting back on track but I also don’t wanna fall back into full ed again cuz that was a really tough time for me mentally even tho I felt so good and happy I was struggling so much. I’ve been going to the gym 2+ hours a day and walking to and from work (about 2.5km) I’m also a waitress Im moving for 8hours a day. One of my best friends who way better looking then I am started taking this medication too also for adhd but now I feel self conscious and that she’s always gonnna be better then me. I have this secret completion. I am jealous of her. But whatever

I can’t help but feel relieved that I don’t want to eat, I’ve consistently consumed under 500 cals a day. Today it was 350c

I cant wait till people will be proud of me again when they will say wow you look so good. When im not embarrassed to go out with my skinnier friends when I stop looking for someone in the room who is bigger then me I don’t feel so terrible about myself.

[geddy-leesbian]

21 41 and 46

These were micro fic prompts from ages ago but finally getting around to them dhayshyddhdh

I'm going to save 21 because I still haven't felt inspired for it, I'll just reblog this when I think of something

41: comfort food

This one really inspired me so more than a micro fic 😅 something set in early 1999 of the sum of my confession/junior high Serrennedy AU, when they've finally reunited after years apart

The months as a Rockfort inmate weren't kind to Leon. It wasn't just the scarred ring around his neck where the tracking collar had dug into his skin, nor was it the other various scars he got in Raccoon City and then his escape from Rockfort. What stuck out to Luis most was his weight, how thin he was. While it was a bit concerning, initially Luis wasn't too worried about it. He knew that Rockfort didn't feed their prisoners much, if at all, and assumed Leon would be fine once he moved in and got access to regular meals. But Leon continued to look thin, and once he started observing more closely Luis realized he wasn't eating much, just moving the food around on his plate. Leon had been scrawny when they first met. He was taller than Luis back then, having hit a growth spurt sooner than Luis, but he was skinnier. He wasn't used to eating much –food was apparently scarce when he was still with his biological parents and most of the foster homes he was placed in were stingy with food– so he didn't eat much of what Luis snuck up into his room. But Luis had eventually found a way to get Leon to eat more back then, and hoped employing that old tactic might work again. Luis knew that Leon had felt like a burden back then. While the foster parents Leon was with at that time were far from the worst he'd been with, they didn't have the nice things that Luis's household did. Luis had his own bedroom with a TV, expensive soaps and shampoos, better food, which he was more than happy to share with his friend. But Leon had nothing to give in return, and so he felt like a burden and didn't want to accept the things Luis would offer him. But Luis knew that Leon liked feeling useful, and eventually managed to use that as a way to get him to eat more. He'd make a frozen pizza, eat a piece or two himself, then tell Leon that he was full but his father would get mad at him for wasting food if he threw too much of the pizza away. That got Leon eating eagerly. If he thought that eating was doing Luis a favor and keeping him out of trouble, he wouldn't feel like a burden. “I won't be able to eat all this myself,” Luis says, setting down a hot frozen pizza on the coffee table. Sherry was over at the Burtons’ for a sleepover, so it was just Luis and Leon home. “So you better help me finish it!” The childhood nostalgia seems to overpower Leon's guilt over not pulling his weight in Luis's household and he eats several slices. “Maybe I should have been fancier and just ordered a real pizza,” Luis muses. “But there's always next time.” “Don't do that. I like the frozen better. Reminds me of you.”

46: shimmer

“Close your eyes and hold still,” Claire commands. Leon complies. He feels the soft bristles of a makeup brush running over his eyelids, covering them in a shimmery blue eyeshadow. “Open your eyes so I can check it looks okay before I move onto eyeliner.”

[timefriend]

i think the desire to be conventionally beautiful in accordance with the standards for women is never going to leave me. i am afraid that maybe i will never get over it and that i will spend decades of my life clawing at the walls of my cell . often times i think to myself "i wish i were a woman" although i do identify as a cis woman myself and i think it might be because of how estranged i feel from other women who are conventionally attractive. it might be due to a skewed perception of the world from being chronically online but i really do feel like being beautiful is a requirement to be considered a woman. or, in order to be treated like a person as a woman you must be beautiful. being an """ugly"""" woman gets you treatment that is so drastically different from women who fit standards that it feels like a different gender entirely. and i think it goes back to how the core foundation of Woman as a gender is a role that exists to center + please men aesthetically and through service.

and i feel truly awful sometimes because i am so, so, So filled with envy that im surprised it doesn't leak out my throat and through my teeth as a thick, green and venomous ooze. i feel like this envy keeps me from becoming proper friends with other women in my life. the turmoil that writhes deep inside my chest keeps me from truly connecting with other women in that even while we hang out and have a laugh together, im thinking "you'll never understand" in the back of my mind. sometimes the turmoil is the only thing coursing under my skin ! i feel such visceral resentment that they'll never understand even if it's not their fault. i know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to one another but it's so insanely difficult to do that in a world that is very much dependent on comparisons. like holy FUCK if i could have pretty privilege. oh my god i'd be unstoppable.

below is eating disorder / internalized fatphobia territory SORRY

the desire is so strong that i'm constantly flirting with the idea of eating disorders. being chubby my entire life has only made me hate it i have never once felt appreciated for being chubby. even though my boyfriend has always complimented me on my figure and thinks im hot im always afraid that a skinnier girl will catch his attention. i seldom bring that up bc i don't want to seem insecure but like all i've ever known is that people would rather starve than look like me even if i do have some boobs and some ass. like i'm just MID . it's still so difficult to think that my boyfriend finds me attractive. around skinny friends i always feel like i could have one slip up and then i'll be the fat one (derogatory). like when im on someone's good side im "thick" or i look "womanly" but i constantly feel like that is so so conditional. i have so much internalized hatred towards my appearance that i don't know how to unpack. everyday i feel like i need to get skinny as soon as possible and it feels synonymous with becoming beautiful. like the train of thought that i go through daily is like "once i am skinny i will be undeniably and unambiguously beautiful and i'll finally be able to wear whatever i want without my stomach pouch bulging out or my armpit fat peeking out of my tank tops and without fear of ridicule and without fear of being treated as lesser . and i'll finally finally be a normal woman" i think maybe the fucking socializing worked and now i have this parasite of gender hegemony that lives in my frontal cortex.

Sorry rant over i wanted to post these thoughts somewhere but im very whiny in this . but i hope someone can maybe relate

[mellow-worlds]

Somehow... One of the friends I hung out with yesterday was incredibly skinny. I mean, they both are, but in different ways, kind of. It has made me feel a little worse about myself and my weight.

During the last couple of weeks, somehow I managed to lose around 3kg. That doesn't make all that big of a difference on my body, but it's kind of weird, since I didn't really try to lose weight and mainly ate cookies and bread, which is obv very unhealthy. I'm thinking it's because maybe I just haven't been eating all that much? Or because I've been moving around a little more? Idk. I'm glad it's that way, but honestly, ideally, I'd keep losing weight. I'll try to, at least a little bit. I'll continue to work out and go for walks more often. The last part is often taken care of by meeting friends. I'll also try to opr for more healthy food options.

Idk... I've struggled with eating disorders in the past and of course I haven't completely gotten over them yet, but it's definitely pretty good rn. Of course I want it to stay that way, but seeing how skinny my friend was makes me feel so awkward and big and not good. He's like my living th1nsp0 ahahahahahah.

No but really, he's made my goal of being skinnier a little more clearer to me and I'm a little grateful. Being skinny is one way to feel better about myself and would help me feel less awkward in social situations. So I'll go for it and try my best to make my own life easier! Also, I just want to be able to wear any clothes I want without feeling bad at all. (On that note, that friend does have very nice taste in clothing, pretty grunge and pretty cool).

That being said, I'm not particularly fat. My BMI is in the normal range, but then again... I could weigh over 10kg more than I do and it would still tell me I was "normal". I think I want to lose 4 more kg and then I'd be on the very verge to underweight. Gosh, these bmi websites are so dramatic. Telling people with a bmi under 20 that they'll die if they go for a walk that's a minute too long.

I'll be able to do it if I go for walks, don't eat too much and exercise regularly. Just 4kg.

It's kind of unfair, even my friends of whom I know that they actually hate working out look so good (actually, only one comes to mind, but it's still so unfair). They seem to have more leg muscles than me and they hate running! But then again, they eat pretty healthily... Idk. I even get this feeling with my siblings sometimes. They don't work out yet are kind of skinnier than me. I just want to be tiny and cute and fragile and I don't want to take up so much space and I just...

Gosh, having had eating disorders really messes with your brain. You acquire so many tactics and even if you've basically recovered, you still think about them and get happy when you remember after waking up that you just spent over 10 hours without food. I think about things like that constantly, but I won't go into detail since I don't want to promote these habits.

[daintyr0t]

shifting - declaration of belief & expulsion of doubt.

TW: eating disorders, depression, suicide. wrote this as a personal vent to myself, but i figured sharing it might help someone else out. if you struggle with shifting, especially with believing in it, my story might help somewhat. i'm also writing this to fully devote myself to my own promise to shift and believe. skip to the last 2 highlighted paragraphs if you just want the main point. apologies in advance for any shitty spelling or grammar - i wrote this all on a whim.

i am not going to be afraid anymore. i will shift.

i'm typing this while i have my crystal collection sitting in front of me. i have several precious stones, 4 of which shaped into towers, 2 shaped into figures, and the rest are tumbles. my eckhart tolle, joseph murphy, and neville goddard books are sitting to my side, right on top of my manifestation journal that i haven't written a thing in for at least a year or two. underneath this text is a collection of notes, the most prominent being a document describing a reality i call "world 04 - AU arcane 2." the document is pink with a couple distracting gifs of my favorite character.

my relationship with manifestation, law of attraction, law of assumption, subliminals, religion, shifting, and belief has been nuanced. i grew up christian with a strong fear of hell and demons, i could feel like i could sense energies and presence in my room due to my own fear of a monster reaching out to grab me. or i couldn't sleep peacefully each night because i was afraid if i died suddenly, i'd go to hell without having a chance to repent. i discovered subliminals first as a gateway drug into the world of spirituality. christianity never felt spiritual to me outside of the oppressive fear of death, demons, and hell. this new age spirituality felt more real, like it was a faith based in hope rather than fear. i was 12 years old, sitting in my moms room, and i had been looking up how to get rid of an insecurity of mine - the shape of my chin. the 2nd video to pop up on my search feed on google was a subliminal that claimed it could change the shape of my face. i didn't think too much of it outside of feeling maybe a bit of hope and disbelief. but the word "subliminal" stuck in my head...

i was a troubled kid with a lot of trauma and issues. at 13, i developed an eating disorder. i wanted to be skinnier, and i wanted to be more beautiful overall. i vividly remember my friend sending me a subliminal that could claim to make me lose weight. i sat in bed with my wired earbuds in each night, listening to the subliminals on repeat in hope that they would subconsciously penetrate my mind and make me slender. i remember a slight feeling of disappointment when it didn't "work." even though, you could say it did. i was already extremely slender and i was in disbelief. but i have a vague memory of disappointment and distrust. my interest into the world of spirituality was growing, but it was still surface level.

i forgot about the world of spirituality until i become a massive hxh fan. it wasn't the first time i became completely enamored with a fictional character, but things were different this time because i stumbled across the idea of reality shifting. this is where it all changed. shifting was gaining traction at this time online, and i was at home during the 2020 covid pandemic. i was online constantly and had nothing to lose. and the idea of being able to transport your consciousness to an entirely new reality felt too appealing to give up, even though it felt so ridiculous, i felt extremely embarrassed to admit my interest in it to anyone. regardless, my desire to go to the hxh world was too strong. prior to finding shifting, i vividly remember waking up one day feeling completely miserable, a hole burning into my chest that could only be described with a single thought. "i want to be in their world, i want to meet them, i would do anything to experience this." with that determination, i set aside my doubts and dove into shifting. i caught up to the information and experiences most in the community would be aware of. learning methods, hearing about hogwarts and mha, discourse about clones, scripting, lifa app. the weirdly juvenile nature of the community felt off to me given we were literally talking about the ability to jump our entire souls in and out of any world as we pleased. why didn't people talk about the implications of this? why is it just teen girls, such as myself, trying to fuck their anime crushes? i guess i couldn't necessarily judge anyone around me, but it was a little unbelievable to me. i figured maybe something so profound would be more "serious." regardless.. i tried it.

the beginning days were bittersweet. the highs were so high, as were the lows, but my persistence kept my hopes up. i remember trying methods, listening to subliminals, mediating until i couldn't feel my body. i remember immersing myself into the techniques and the beliefs around the mechanics of shifting. i remember laying in bed, eyes closed, my mind repeating affirmations until i felt tingly and excited. the excitement was always something that eventually washed over me, this sudden spiritual pressure that almost felt physical, like my awareness was telling me "you're close." everytime i got too close, i eventually couldn't handle it anymore. the deep fear of genuinely doing something this world breaking made me stop and hesitate. the fears from my childhood, the idea of confronting demons and falling into the devils hands, kept me from exploring the feeling any further. but i kept persisting, trying to untangle the mess of doubts in my fucked up teenaged head. the times i felt genuinely desperate to just SHIFT already, i would lay down and listen to a subliminal, thinking i was so god damn close. and then i'd wake up in my world, trying to convince myself i made progress when i really didn't feel like i did. i slowly lost belief, like a lump was growing in my throat that was too big to swallow. yet i also gained some truly amazing experiences and pieces of wisdom. one time, i meditated until my entire body felt like it was floating. i recall the sensation and the occuring thought "it's at least somewhat real, it is completely possible to detach the soul from the flesh." somewhere along the way, the actual world of hxh and my dr became more of a symbol than an actual place i wanted to go. not that i minded being there or experiencing it, i still wanted it badly, desperately, but the focus became on just SHIFTING for once instead of just kurapikas face.

unfortunately i did not shift during this time. i became proficient at lucid dreaming, and i almost opened a portal in said dreams. i experienced some intense meditation sessions that felt like they could have easily transitioned into something deeper. and i walked away with a new belief system. the most rewarding moment was finding neville goddard's law of assumption, studying it astutely, and becoming genuinely weightless for at least 2 weeks. i remember manifesting some things here and there, nothing life changing, but enough to give my doubt some slight pause. and i remember how peaceful i felt. if everything truly was under my control, even death couldn't stop my soul. it was so freeing.

that was 2 years ago. i haven't consciously attempted shifting or manifesting since.

a lot happened. life happened and i forgot to keep up with a lot of my mental habits. a couple massive turning points sent me into a spiral of disbelief. namely, my mom did some terrible things that i had specifically manifested to NOT happen, and yet they did. it was enough to shake my entire trust in everything, despite the true peace i had felt. i knew that something here had to be real, even if its just the philosophy of the law of assumption. i couldn't bring myself to fully trust in the physical manifestation and shifting aspect, even if i so badly wanted to. the event with my mom really tore me away from everything and left me with a sour taste in my mind - a deep fear that i had wasted so much time being delusional. not to mention, i had been around 3 years deep into my current romantic relationship and i was worried the focus on such otherworldly, unprovable ideas was detaching me from reality. i wanted to be here for my partner and for my life. but the worst part of my relationship with shifting is that the constant pining hurt me. it is exhausting, constantly failing something over and over and not even being able to question your own pain because it would only cause more failure. if shifting and manifestation is about belief, i feared admitting my concerns. that unspoken fear that "it isn't working" and "it isn't real" only grew more restless inside of me the more times i tried and failed. even now, i hesitate to speak on it in fear that i'll unearth a disbelief that can never be undone. i want to suspend myself in mid air, floating indecisively between truly letting go of manifestation, the idea that i can truly do anything, shifting, and the idea of accepting it entirely as real fact. i stand a lot to lose if i'm wrong. my sanity, my identity, my time, my emotions, my relationships. i'd be accepting a very, very difficult life path for an undetermined amount of time. if it isn't real, which every hard fact i have points to being the case, then i would have suffered for nothing. i love deep and hard. i yearn. i ache for release, for some catharsis for my intense emotions. and i can't handle the unbearable, oppressive, suffocating pain of longing deeply for something that could have never happened. i'd die a million times for the things i love, i'd sacrifice my life to be right.

this is personal and not directly related to shifting, but it provides some insight into my belief system. i'm used to living for everything or nothing. i've had a long past of pain, mental health issues, and depression. i used to be very suicidal. i climbed out of that pit with hard reasoning and internal convincing that life is worth living, causing me to create a very principled mindset where i ( attempt to ) judge things rationally. i don't know if my insistent, black or white nature is good or bad. on one hand, i experience so much more joy and depth from life because i'm very rigorous about diving into everything that i do. if i'm nothing, i'm at least honest with myself and will get very intense about anything i want or love. on the other hand, this mindset doesn't create much room for hesitancy. i don't like too much nuance. i take nuance, i dismantle it, and then i judge it as clearly as i can. and the idea of something so profound, insane, and life changing as shifting, i find myself hesitating a lot. if it's real, it changes everything. i'd manifest my partner's chronic disease away. i'd manifest eternal life and wealth. i'd explore worlds for fun. but i fear the pain of being wrong, of losing myself, or losing sight of what is good NOW in my life. so i want to hesitate on shifting. i want to be indecisive, even if my nature doesn't allow it.

or maybe not. maybe, this is what my problem is. maybe i'm sick of floating between shifting being real or not.

i've illustrated my past with shifting and spirituality so deeply because i've recently teased the idea of trying to shift yet again. my life is a lot different than it was back when i first tried it out. i'm older, more mature, live on my own, i'm a lot happier and safer now. there's a lot less of a need for escapism. in fact, i actually really love my life. my only issue is being a bit lonely sometimes because i recently moved states and only have my partner, but i HAVE a partner. i materially have what i need. my current life issues are being steadily fixed with repetitive habits, and i've healed a lot of trauma. i spend most days making slow and steady progress on my goals, then relaxing freely, creating art and music, spending time with my partner, or trying new things just for fun. so i don't have to escape much. i love my life, generally. i haven't watched much TV recently. i had been very busy moving and doing important life things, but i've started to settle down and pick up TV again. i was introduced to a show, and my tendencies to devote my entire being to a single idea or person came back full force.

to put it simply, i became very gay for vi from arcane LOL.

my interest in arcane hit me like a god damn TRUCK. i didn't even want to watch it, my sister begged me to do it with her over the phone. i watched it with her. i started to begrudgingly accept it was pretty good by the second episode. by the 5th or 6th, i was hooked. by the 2nd season, i was suddenly frothing at the mouth. a new fandom to sink my teeth into.. i love everything about arcane, but like every piece of media i get super into, i always have a favorite character. happened to be vi. really like her, a lot. too much, actually. enough where i'm considering picking up the idea of literally switching my consciousness into another reality just to speak to her face to face.. probably not gonna mention that to her when it happens, lol.

so, yeah. i'm back, and i have a boatload of baggage around LOA and shifting. and i've decided i'm not going to do things the same way as before. i mentioned how i wanted to float in between choosing to believe and choosing not to. i've already gestured at how much spirituality already impacts my life, even if i don't fully accept it. my room is decorated in proof of my passion and interest. my mind is constantly filled with noise, and the sentence "i am" or "creation is finished" always temporary calms the chaos. even before i found out about shifting or LOA, i already had the idea of divinity hardcoded into my malleable kid brain due to my religious upbringing. i wrestle between wanting to have a logical understanding of things and wanting to embrace the emotional, transient nature of the unknown. but this time will be different.

i am declaring my belief in this. i'm devoting myself to this. i've decided, once and for all, i WILL shift. i will do whatever it takes.

i'm already in too deep. if i wanted to let go of spirituality, i should toss out my books and crystals and call it a day. i can live happily in my decent-enough life. but that isn't enough for me and i know it. i need more, for the sake of experiencing it, or at least to learn more information about the world. if shifting is real, even hinted at being a real possibility, and i've already FELT some proof of it personally, i should go all in. at this point, i don't really care if i go crazy over it. i can pace myself, take it day by day, remember to enjoy the present moment and external world i currently live in. but damnit, i'm not going another day waiting for some revelation to fall into my life. if i want the world, it's available to me. i just have to decide to accept it.

in my free time, i'm deciding to sit and expel as much doubt from my mind as possible. i'll meditate and sit in the feeling of full awareness for as long as possible. i'll read and reread every book i own on spirtuality. i already avoid social media and the news due to its affect on my mental health, but i'll become even more thorough. the only thing i care to interact with is my interests ( music, fandoms, etc ) and the spirituality/shifting communities. if shifting is a matter of practice, i'll master it. if shifting is a matter of understanding, i'll study it. if shifting is a matter of belief, i'll believe it. i'll have FAITH even if faith doesn't feel like a real thing in my mind. and i'm not doing it for arcane or VI or hxh or to become a millionaire or anything like that. i'm doing it because this is where my soul itself is trending for its development. i'm doing it because i will never be happy in life with this regret weighing down on me. i need to fully submerge myself into this world, cut off any loose ends, or be pleasantly rewarded with the fruits of my labor via successfully shifting or manifesting. i will find my answer, and i will stop floating in mid air. i'm going straight into the sky or back to the ground. either way, i'll have an answer.

i will shift. in fact, i have already, i decided. i will shift to my new desired reality, and my old one, for shits and giggles. i'll likely permanently shift to a slightly altered version of this reality as a home base, and i'll shift to a waiting room i've already dreamed of whenever my soul is weary and needs rest. i'll put everyone i know onto it. and i won't even allow myself to feel afraid or guilty of losing myself. my life is already quite peaceful and enjoyable, i'll continue to work on my music, enjoy my relationship, and live my life all while engaging in this. it's hard to try and grapple with such deep existential questions about reality and then go about my day like everything is normal. but i'll do it.

ultimately, i already know what i need to know to shift and manifest anything RIGHT NOW. i shouldn't make too big of a deal of it. in fact, shifting and manifesting is natural, easy, effortless, and constant. this declaration is for the side of me that is stuck in doubt, rooted stubbornly in "common sense," and afraid of change. afraid of the idea that i really CAN experience everything and that it will totally destroy my sense of self. i was just going to go to school to become a nurse, now i'm gonna end up becoming a god damn freaky monk who just shifts to a world where all my needs are met instantly. it's a bit of a big life decision, while simultaneously being simple and straight forward. the whole thing is a big mind fuck to me. either way, i've made up my mind. the rational side of me is pacified with the idea that i'm doing this for myself at least to quench my own curiosity and desire.

i hope someone reads this and comes to the same decision as me. i understand how it feels to be on the fence - to want shifting so badly, yet to be held back by limiting ideas. or maybe you're like me and worry about the practical consequences of world hopping. like, who do i see for therapy if i watch something crazy traumatic in a different world? maybe someone else out there is put off by the amount of weird misinfo, juvenile behavior, and lack of weight on such an important idea. don't worry. i'm here too. maybe if we all band together, we won't feel so crazy anymore.

if you're like me, i suggest you sit down and process your true thoughts. i don't believe accepting your fears means you're accepting limiting beliefs. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEARS TO DISMANTLE THEM. a part of you believes, or wants to. a part of you can humor the idea enough to read this far. so do what i did. journal, record yourself talking out loud, express everything nestled inside of you. and when you're ready, if you decide to proceed, pursue shifting like it is completely real. treat it seriously. i mean, this is EVERYTHING. you can do, be, have, experience ANYTHING. even if you really like your life such as myself, you're telling me you wouldn't want to try shifting out just cause you can? whatever you do, DON'T hesitate. DON'T be indecisive. DON'T waste your own damn time trying to engage in a skill that REQUIRES full trust, belief, and faith. that doesn't necessarily make it hard or time consuming. it's as hard as you make it. this just goes out to my fellow doubters and overthinkers. if you want to shift, dedicate yourself to it fully and do it.

i'm declaring my faith going forward. i've made my mind up. i will shift. and it will be soon, literally as soon as i next sit down and intend on it.

thanks for reading.

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Rambling, food + body things

I'm making granola, probably way too much of it, it's so high cal that I don't even want to look at the numbers haha but it's gonna be like power food to get me through the day, I'll eat it with plain yogurt, it'll be fine 😅

I'm nervous about going back to work, heavy manual labor in the Texas heat, I haven't built a stage since April, I'm gonna be so out of shape strength-wise, I've been good about walking regularly but I haven't really been carrying heavy things lately, and I've gotten used to mild temps so it's gonna be hard to transition back to heat in the 90s... Good news is I'm 10 lbs skinnier, I got some new shorts for work today that aren't as short as the other ones so maybe the guys won't be looking at my butt all day, hopefully if I can manage to drive 8h each for the next 3 days I can get to Texas a day early so I can get used to the heat and buy groceries.

We're supposed to have a full size fridge and a kitchenette in the hotel room so I'm gonna be able to get actual food and not just eat out every day, I'm thinking yogurt+granola for breakfast, salad and veggies and whatever veg protein catering is serving for lunch, banana for an afternoon snack, and then easy protein foods for dinner like cottage cheese, lentil soups, etc.

Would love to be 105 or under the next time I step on a scale but I also have to prioritize health + body functions above that right now, but if I can at least maintain weight and energy levels that's fine ?? I guess ?? Idk I technically hit my goal weight for the year and I have a history of immediately gaining once the ultimate goal is reached so I'm just gonna see how it goes, don't overthink it, drink electrolytes and eat protein and don't eat crazy junk food -> actually I'm rewriting that sentence bc the new ultimate goal for this year is officially 103 so the plan is to maintain if I must but continue on my journey at the first opportunity :)

Motivation:

thinking about how confident I feel when I'm skinny, being cute and dancing everywhere and existing comfortably in my body; just casually looking skinny in every scenario and photo, taking goofy pics and looking cute instead of awkward; sitting on things and not worrying if my thighs look fat, wearing a crop top and not worrying about bloating after a meal, doing tasks at work in awkward positions but looking cute and fit while doing it, not constantly adjusting my clothes all the time bc everything just sits better;

working at hula, making a good first impression on the art team there, working on cool projects and using my creative/technical skills, learning new things but looking cute rather than clueless; and then show days, wearing cute outfits, swimming in the river, being cold at night and bundling up in cozy clothes, dancing with strangers, floating around like a mysterious woodland creature, confidence to make new friends and explore past my comfort zone

going out in rave clothes for show days in orlando, dancing and cuddling with L and feeling extra tiny next to him, also just seeing him again I know he's gonna pick me up and swirl me around lol would be nice to feel so tiny while that happens :) I finally got myself a set of real earplugs (last time he gave me his and then dragged me to a techno show hahaha) so I feel ready to go out and actually participate this time; also working with the art team over there, they were really snooty last year but it'd be cool to come in all skinny and confident and helpful this year and just radiate good vibes over them;

I gotta start trying a little harder with my work outfits this year, sometimes they look kinda grungy or like dad working in the yard vibes, but I'm trying to elevate my look just a lil bit and being skinny is definitely going to help. Less sweat, smaller thighs/legs, stronger + more visible muscles, looking better in short shorts and crop tops even though I've still been wearing them this whole time lol, big tshirts and longer shorts also look better; wearing bright colors and patterns and tie dye, all of it looks better when you're skinny;

My face looks so much cuter when I'm thinner; skinny hands and wrists on the steering wheel; muscles actually visible in my legs and arms and abs; bones ofc but they kind of get in the way at work, my hipbones are gonna be so bruised after one day; but cheekbones, collarbones, wrist bones, shin bones, shoulder bones, spine... Actually my spine also gets bruised when we have a long standby and I lean up against something hard for too long.

You get the idea. I know I've been saying how skinny I feel like basically since I started losing again which is funny but it's nice to be under 110 officially, it's like a whole new level of skinny :) can we lose another 5 lbs in the next 4-5 weeks?? Maybe, there's gonna be a lot of exercise, hot weather, no one paying attention to what I'm eating or wanting to share food with me, skinny roommate so I can't just snack all night without feeling weird... Could work out!

(God and then I'm going from TX to Florida and I actually can't wait to be so skinny and weigh myself on the stupid giant scales at Publix lmfao that's gonna be so fun)

[bisluthq]

Also! Some people choose to be really dense about this but your genetics do influence your frame. Yes, it's possible to be naturally thin, but also naturally chubby. Not that calories vs calories out doesn't apply to you, just more your metabolism, how slow and fast it is, how athletic you naturally are.

absolutely. Some people will err towards skinnier naturally, some people will err towards chubbier/curvier despite living similar lifestyles. You’ll also have weight dispersed in different places and in different shapes right, like with my body, even when I was size 0, I didn’t have a thigh gap (I really wanted one lol but that’s just not how my legs work evidently). There is gonna be a limit to what you’re able to do, even with maximum effort tbh. And there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you’re putting in effort. And there’s also nothing wrong with saying “I don’t worry about this type of thing too much but do have a fast metabolism” or whatnot but if that’s the case you still won’t look like Lauren did on Gilmore Girls lol you’ll just be on the slim side of straight sized 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also some teenagers/early 20s people have legit like scary fast metabolisms. So it is possible to eat literally anything you want and be mildly active when you’re 17 and be tiny. It’s uncommon after like 25 and nearly impossible once you hit your 30s+ - not that you can’t be in shape but you are gonna have to think a bit about it. Unless also you just PREFER a lot of nutrient dense things/“healthy” cooking - I have a friend who just cooks that way and doesn’t much like going out and doesn’t drink a lot at all and does a bit of regular exercise and she’s stayed skinny through her pregnancy tbh but I don’t think with a lot of effort. That’s just her preferred lifestyle. If she ate takeouts and such more often then imo that’d be different.

[openingpandorasbox1]

AUTUMN PART 1 (9)

I was watching The Project on Channel 10 and they had this bizarre news story about how people were eating a type of mushroom and dying from it, I wrote under a post about it “be careful of mushrooms people”. Some of my FB friends commented back about it and I replied, “Was that drug popular in the 80s?” and Jack became aggressive and wrote in capital letters, ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU FUCKING DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU RE TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCKING IDIOT”. One Facebook friend said he was being rude and another said he was being aggressive and abusive. Another Facebook friend PM messaged me and wrote, “I know he is your friend but the way he is speaking to you is unacceptable. I’m worried about you with this person” and she told me that, “all the signs are there”. I was going to delete Jack as a friend at that time but I was problems at home, and he was the last thing on my mind. I knew what Autumn told me about him, so he was just living up to his reputation.

The Office (US) is one of my favourite shows of all-time and I just love it. I was watching the episode when Michael Scott left. This was the first time I had seen it. I was nearly in tears watching Michael Scott leaving and I wrote about it on my FB wall. A few people commented and agreed with me. Autumn had this Facebook friend from Canada who was also on my Facebook friends list and he was a cat lover and I’m a cat lover and we have that in common. Even though I had just watched the episode of Michael Scott leaving, I was a bit behind and he had seen the new episodes that Michael Scott was no longer in (the new season). He commented on the new episodes and Jack wrote to him, “THAT IS BECAUSE YOU’RE JUST A KNOB”. I wrote, “Don’t talk to people like that” and he wrote and said, “You’re an idiot and stupid”. Jack called me a bogan once because I was living in Emu Plains, and my friend told me to give him a piece of his own medicine, so I said, ‘You’re acting like a bogan’ and he called me a ‘bitch’ and then disappeared, and me and my friend laughed because he couldn’t take it back. These events took place at similar time frame, which is why I hadn’t deleted him at this point, but I was warming to it. But my mum’s poor internet service only gave me a small time frame to be able to do what I wanted to do online and jump off again. I didn’t want to waste that small time frame on Jack. I got hobbies and stuff.

                It was a day or so after this that Jack went out drinking in Sydney and I knew this because he was posting about it on his Facebook feed for most of the day. I assumed that night that Autumn had been interacting with Jack because that afternoon/early night time they both started trolling on my Facebook feed. They must have been chatting on Skype because Jack took a photo of Autumn on Skype flipping the bird and he posted it onto his wall and tagged me on it for me to see. They also wrote all these comments on my Facebook wall, mainly calling me fat and ugly. I wasn’t fat at this time, I was around 40 to 45kg which isn’t fat and I was skinnier than the both of them. Whether I am ugly or not is debatable but I know they weren’t going to win any beauty competitions. Usually when people insult me or want to put me down they usually go straight to the way I look because that’s all they have over me. Common insults from common people.

It was only recently that I had been watching The Block (an Australian renovation TV program) when one of the girls on the show said something like, ‘Dibby dibby dobber” which I found funny and I wrote that on my Facebook wall and my Facebook friends from Australia knew what I was talking about because The Block was popular. They just laughed under the comment and no one was offended. However when Jack and Autumn was trolling on my wall, Jack was writing DIBBY DIBBY DOBBER all over my wall. I didn’t really let anything they wrote on my wall get to me because it was just some silly quote from a reality TV show. Jack was doing most of the criticizing on my wall but he was probably so drunk and full of drugs he didn’t know what he was doing and probably didn’t care. He also wrote, MY SISTER IS SO SWEET, which is something I said about Autumn on her birthday. I guess they couldn’t find anything negative to slander me about so they were just talking shit.

               I didn’t even bother replying back to them. I just thought, “fuck this” and just blocked them. I haven’t heard from them since.

There were people online who did notice Autumns photo and Jack’s trolling and some of my friends wrote … “Rude” and other comments similar.