#i think i might try to take a nap....

[carbonateddelusion]

curling up into a little ball

[silusvesuius]

nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am

[whentherewerebicycles]

oh my god okay I’ve been working since 7:30am but MN, SD, and JW are all submitted for internal review!!! NF is ready to submit as soon as he gets home from school and does a final readthrough!!!! DN has decided to waive review lol godspeed to that poor kid but it means less work for me today yippee!!!! and I also had time to give the baby a bath which is his new favorite activity (furiously focused water-kicking time!!!!). I think now I will take a break from student work and take all the residents of this household out for a brisk walk.

[okcoolthanks]

Guess who stepped on their glasses this morning and now they’re all twisted weird and they’re NOT STAYING ON THEIR FACE. IN THIS HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION

[verved]

I'm like gradually becoming more physically disabled and am now at the point I can't work. I just can't. I'm too fatigued and dizzy and in pain and physically weak to keep going. I've been through a gamut of specialist visits, all providing no answers.

My primary care doctor has officially given up on me, basically told me to just start popping painkillers and suck it up. That this is my own fault for stopping antidepressants, when said antidepressants left me malnourished due to low appetite, and once I stopped, my physical health and motivation had a marked window of improvement. At least until whatever this is started.

I can't work like this. I can't easily apply for disability bc my pcp has turned on me and won't give me a diagnosis. He has refused further testing. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so so tired.

[lakka-arts]

click for better quality

i said i was going to draw more gerlion

[yusufstits]

thinking about nile having nightmares and not being able to sleep post london and then being very tired during the day and taking naps on whoever's around

[moonshine-nightlight]

Poll Time - Setting & POV

I have been seized by a story idea. it's gonna be a modern short story about a human and a dragon, likely from the dragon's POV (not to be confused with my other modern dragon pov idea i have knocking around)

the setting is one where mythical creatures are known, but can hide themselves

so the question is: is the dragon known as a dragon (aka half transformed with horns/wings/tail out all the time) or secret dragon (mysterious, probably not human, but not sure what, how long exactly have they worked here)?

also, while we're at it, from dragon POV - 2nd or 3rd?

They work in a science lab, if that helps. The story centers around hoards and the human being oblivious and the dragon pursuing her and dragon courting rituals.

[damnedrainbows]

could I get some positivity or some asks, it’s…im not doing good

autistic burn out, autistic trauma and hatred of the world and people that tried their hardest, it wasn’t:t their fault they didn’t know, but it doesn’t make a difference with feelings. second day in a row of a melt down and that has ‘t happened in a while

i just…am not well. fighting the urge to do things i shouldn’t,

[carbonateddelusion]

sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[pyonzzz]

【 portrait of a rabbit 】

[dreamcast-official]

ugh.

[superfluouskeys]

guys this makes NO sense but i might have almost fixed my sleep schedule LOL

[angeygirl]

If you can't handle me at my worst well I respect that you were trying your best and it's not your fault I can be hard to work with. Just know that I'm trying to improve

[catzgam3rz]

HOME FROM WEEKEND TRAVELS I’m gonna stream Tears of the Kingdom at 3:00 pm pst because I have been ITCHING to get back into the game lol