#Raksh vents

[raksh-writes]

Feeling so weirdly out of sorts today. I hoped that I can continue writing the second part of my AU I started on yesterday (got a nice 1,6k in Macau's POV!) or if not that, then maybe finish up editing part 1 so I can post but... I dunno, Ive fallen into a dip of depression and I only feel like crying and diddling around doing nothing (beside All the things I need to take care of for the next two days of classes of course, ugh), so... yeah. I don’t know what to do with myself. Wasting the little bit of free time I still have doesn’t make me feel better, but then Im not even sure Im capable of anything creative rn...

[raksh-writes]

I have a small birthday celebration planned for today, really just a few people, some cake and pizza and then we're going to an escape room in the late evening, but of course Im So Stressed about it, ughhhh. Im excited too, but my anxiety is having one hell of a field trip rn 😩

[raksh-writes]

Ugh, I thought maybe I'll get to do some gaming today or at least a bit of something creative/productive, but my right wrist and pointer finger have been bothering me for a while, so I guess that's it for today 😪

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, I hate the way I don’t know what to do with myself on sundays, just stuck in that "waiting for monday and going back to work" state. It’s probably some underlaying anxiety stuff but there's like No way to go around it, whatever I try to get my hands on, I need to Force myself into it and my brain's all "!!!!!!!!" during anyway, so I end up sitting in idle mode doing absolutely nothing, ughhh

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, I really do hate november, it's such a dreary, gray, depressing time of the year. Like, the seasonal depression at it's Height. For 90% of the time Im so tired and steeped in dread I can do barely anything more than claw my way through the days just simply surviving and honestly, I think I should be allowed to just hibernate through these late autumn/early winter months until the time where the day is normal length again and I feel less dead on my feet because this? This is awful and it's all the same every year. Hate it here, fr...

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, my neck is just really determined to kill me today, what in the hell??

[raksh-writes]

Im feeling SO restless today, I dunno if it's the oncoming monday/workweek dread or the fact I spent most of yesterday fighting a migraine so I haven’t gotten much out of my saturday, but I can't get my hands into anything and don’t even know what to try, like. On one hand, maybe some gaming would be nice, both Cyberpunk and Skyrim would prob be fun, but then again I can’t Choose between those (🙈), and then there's the couple pages of this new AU I somehow managed to get through my block so maybe I could try to type it up or keep jotting down in the notebook, but writing at home has been Impossible for months now so I dunno...

I guess Im just venting for venting's sake, hoping that'll help me decide or get some of this restlessness off 😅 Gosh, why are sunday's like this, why can’t I just enjoy the bit of free time I still have before the exhausting workweek starts again, eh...

[raksh-writes]

We just got an alert about extreme high temperatures and its not like we haven't been having heat wave after heat wave recently sooo I guess today's just gonna be even more inssuferable and I mean, I can already feel it and its just past noon rn. There's like no breathable air in my room even with a fan going, which ngl the buzz of is only adding to how brain-fogged heat like this makes me feel 😬 It just-- saps away all and any energy I could have so Im sitting here wondering what to even do with myself. I don’t have the brains for any proper writing (did some handwritten outlining tho! Silver linings I suppose) and I can't even game bcs it'll only make my room hotter with my PC sweating ;/

Go away heatwave!! Gimme back the summers of max 25 digrees from years ago!

[raksh-writes]

Ugh, Im meeting up with some friends today and I Know its gonna be fun -- we’re going for some drinks, maybe food, and then to the theatre -- but right now Im sitting here stressing out like "the fuck, anxiety, could you give me a break??" this is ridiculous xd

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, Ive been in such a writing slump for like almost a year now and Im just. So tired. I just wanna create!! I wanna write something again! But anytime I look at one of my WIPs I just can’t get myself into any of them and I mean its very possible that's also just a side effect of being so rusty and not writing for so long and the fact easy distraction like youtube is just a click away but then again it just feels like the creative juices won’t flow and its killing me ;_; I want to Write, I want to Create and I want to share it again, and maybe its just that I miss posting my work and interacting with fandom and having that fan-obsession so there's a question there to consider what exactly Im missing but... damn I really do just wanna write again and feel how good that feels to be creative ;_;

This just sucks man...

[raksh-writes]

I got my results today, so Im back to uni starting tomorrow (yay!), but at the same time it has not assuaged my stress levels whatsoever sooo yeah, that's fun 🙈

Damn you, anxiety!

[raksh-writes]

Tfw I have so much to do, and so much I want to do, but my body hits me with the "is it a migraine? Or am I actually getting sick?" episode of the miserable sunday variation.

Fun :)

[raksh-writes]

How is it that, when I finally feel like Im in a good enough headspace to edit this WIP that's been rotting away in my docs for Months and maybe finally post it so I can feel somewhat accomplished again, I get hit with Such an immense bout of exhaustion I can barely sit straight. Like.

C'mon...

[raksh-writes]

I have accidently closed down my browser yesterday that had A lot of tabs open with stuff for my thesis and so now I'll have to find those again and Im tired :')

(Also, Im lazy and its the weekend ughhhejdjdn)

[raksh-writes]

Ive barely started up Uni again and Ive already run into an issue. I kind of bigger one too, I feel like.

We're supposed to have 1-2 computer classes on thursdays (depending on the week) but they given us a normal class so the prof asked us to bring our own laptops. The issue is, Ive gotten a PC during covid and haven’t used my old laptop in Years. And its an old one too, like 10 years old. I got it an ssd and a new battery at some point back when I was studying before, but its been years and although it turns on fine, it shuts down immediately whenever I plug it out. It's probably something internal too, since it works Loudly and heats up pretty much immediately, plus one of the controls turns red from green like 2s after turning it on. So. It's probably not worth it to fix it. But now Im left with a dilemma:

I could either drag around my mom's 17" beast of a gaming laptop (I mean, not really a beast nowadays, hardware wise, but its big and Heavy) or I'd probably have to buy a new one for like 2k, and... I don’t really have the money. I have some savings, but Im not sure when I'll go to work or even if I'll find smth for just a day/two max in a week, bcs uni is already exhausting enough and I'll need time and brains to write my masters, so.

I dunno, Im not a happy trooper rn. My mom's okay with me taking her leptop for one day a week but I still need to talk to her, maybe set up an account on it so she doesn’t get all my stuff all over hers. I don’t really like it, Id prefer my own unit to work on, and thursdays are already packed with classes and my Long commute, but - yeah, money.

I dont really knoe why Im writing about it here, but I guess I just needed to vent it our somewhere. So yeay. Going back to Uni has been fun so far 🙈

[raksh-writes]

Uhhhh, the anxiety when you need to make an important call, ughhhh