#Raksh vents

[raksh-writes]

Nothing quite like getting fully-bedridden, I-wanna-die type of flu in the middle of exam season, truly :'))))

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, I really do hate november, it's such a dreary, gray, depressing time of the year. Like, the seasonal depression at it's Height. For 90% of the time Im so tired and steeped in dread I can do barely anything more than claw my way through the days just simply surviving and honestly, I think I should be allowed to just hibernate through these late autumn/early winter months until the time where the day is normal length again and I feel less dead on my feet because this? This is awful and it's all the same every year. Hate it here, fr...

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, my neck is just really determined to kill me today, what in the hell??

[raksh-writes]

Feeling so weirdly out of sorts today. I hoped that I can continue writing the second part of my AU I started on yesterday (got a nice 1,6k in Macau's POV!) or if not that, then maybe finish up editing part 1 so I can post but... I dunno, Ive fallen into a dip of depression and I only feel like crying and diddling around doing nothing (beside All the things I need to take care of for the next two days of classes of course, ugh), so... yeah. I don’t know what to do with myself. Wasting the little bit of free time I still have doesn’t make me feel better, but then Im not even sure Im capable of anything creative rn...

[raksh-writes]

Im feeling SO restless today, I dunno if it's the oncoming monday/workweek dread or the fact I spent most of yesterday fighting a migraine so I haven’t gotten much out of my saturday, but I can't get my hands into anything and don’t even know what to try, like. On one hand, maybe some gaming would be nice, both Cyberpunk and Skyrim would prob be fun, but then again I can’t Choose between those (🙈), and then there's the couple pages of this new AU I somehow managed to get through my block so maybe I could try to type it up or keep jotting down in the notebook, but writing at home has been Impossible for months now so I dunno...

I guess Im just venting for venting's sake, hoping that'll help me decide or get some of this restlessness off 😅 Gosh, why are sunday's like this, why can’t I just enjoy the bit of free time I still have before the exhausting workweek starts again, eh...

[raksh-writes]

We just got an alert about extreme high temperatures and its not like we haven't been having heat wave after heat wave recently sooo I guess today's just gonna be even more inssuferable and I mean, I can already feel it and its just past noon rn. There's like no breathable air in my room even with a fan going, which ngl the buzz of is only adding to how brain-fogged heat like this makes me feel 😬 It just-- saps away all and any energy I could have so Im sitting here wondering what to even do with myself. I don’t have the brains for any proper writing (did some handwritten outlining tho! Silver linings I suppose) and I can't even game bcs it'll only make my room hotter with my PC sweating ;/

Go away heatwave!! Gimme back the summers of max 25 digrees from years ago!

[raksh-writes]

Ugh, I thought maybe I'll get to do some gaming today or at least a bit of something creative/productive, but my right wrist and pointer finger have been bothering me for a while, so I guess that's it for today 😪

[raksh-writes]

I have a small birthday celebration planned for today, really just a few people, some cake and pizza and then we're going to an escape room in the late evening, but of course Im So Stressed about it, ughhhh. Im excited too, but my anxiety is having one hell of a field trip rn 😩

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, I hate the way I don’t know what to do with myself on sundays, just stuck in that "waiting for monday and going back to work" state. It’s probably some underlaying anxiety stuff but there's like No way to go around it, whatever I try to get my hands on, I need to Force myself into it and my brain's all "!!!!!!!!" during anyway, so I end up sitting in idle mode doing absolutely nothing, ughhh

[raksh-writes]

Having quite miserable time this weekend, so Im just gonna vent under the cut to throw those feelings and thoughts out, y'all feel free to skip for your own mental health 💗 and hopefully this helps mine 😣

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So, I think I know where this stems from but that logical explanation doesn’t do a whole lot for how I feel 😣 I didn't get enough sleep this week, having to get up at 5.40 am and unable to go to sleep earlier than 11pm and then not sleeping well at all, so I've already been exhausted, add to that some hormones prob going out of whack as they usually do and some internal disappointment/sadness/being disheartened by... life in general, I guess, but also by being unable to write and engage with my AU they way I craved and needed, and it all equates a nasty depressive low 😔 I call it nasty, bcs its not so that I feel like Im gonna burst into tears every minute (like that one saturday like 2? weeks ago, that was A Lot too but in a different way), but that I swing from that to either being mad or going back years earlier before I did a lot of mental work to fight back on all my insecurities and nasty thought patterns and whatnot. So here I am, withdrawing and trying to work through these emotions while absolutely exhausted out of my mind just so I dont end up hurting people close to me and... Im just so tired 😔😣 the time change is prob not helping too and also, my hip is giving me SO MUCH trouble, I can't get comfortable in Any position bcs it just starts hurting like Im having a big ass nail spiked right inside the joint 😣

I almost feel like saying I'd prefer that one day of intense "gonna cry every fee second" than few days of this nastiness 😣😣

I was so damn happy about finishing that first chap just a little over a week earlier and now I can barely stand to look at it for whatever reason and honestly, that's heartbreaking and I don't know how to deal with it 😭 And I know being cross with myself that Im not able to write won't help but writing is the one sole comfort I have and when I cant write and fall into this depressive episode? It's... hard 😔

At this point I can only hope to, I dunno, sleep it off or that it'll just go away at some point so I can at least start some small writing sessions, I have second shift this week, I want to use that little bit of time before work I have, but fuck does it feel impossible rn 😣

I dunno, this prob won't help, but I felt like I needed to throw this depressing thoughts and frustrations out somehow. And if any of you reached this point, thank you, and I hope your week is gonna be nice 💗

[raksh-writes]

I'm so exhausted it's hard to even articulate it but I need to throw this out of me so - big rant/vent ahead. Y'all feel absolutely free to skip right past it, consider your mental health first 💗

So. My job. My fucking job. Y'all, I'm--

I work at a warehouse with office supplies and even tho it was - and still kinda is - the height of their season, so super busy and very hard physical job (responsible too when packing orders) I even kinda enjoyed the job. But. BUT. They decided to move to another building. In the Middle of the Winter. Y'all.

There's no heating there.

And thank god it got warmer this week, but still - it was 9C outside and inside it was colder. And mind you, it's a Huge steel-walls warehouse. My knees started killing me like 3h in. They're still very much hurting, tho this one guy - who only came about for a lil bit - stood with us for a bit and He went out of his way to get us some heating, like this gas-tank fueled mini-heater? Dunno what's it exactly called in English. And our boss keeps saying he won't turn on the heating - there was a problem earlier with it but I think it might've gotten fixed today? - because there's no need. Like. The Fuck???

I'm so exhausted I might need to cry it out of myself. It's just how I react whenever smth gets Way too much - and Im the "suffer in silence" type, like the more Im hurting, the Less I talk and interact with people, so it's not like someone at work will notice that my knees are absolutely killing me. And I Know it's like 80% bcs of how fucking Cold it is there - and tomorrow I'm supposed to spend the Whole day there, 10h or more, if they decide to push us. I can only hope that little heater will make it at least somewhat bearable, but it's--- it's gonna be So Fucking Cold at 7am there... I dont even have that special thermo wear or whatever I'm---

Well. I need to make myself some food for tomorrow, 'cause boss lady got other some cheap sousages, lmao, but I dont eat meat, ao need to have dinner with me to even survive, and then I'll have maybe an hour for myself before I should go to sleep, bcs I got maybe 3h at best today and I should at least try to get some more and maybe hope it's gonna make it like 2% more bearable xd

If I had options, I'd prob ditch this job. I spent too short of a time here to feel any kind of loyalty or anything. I just--- this move might be the straw. I don't fear physical and demanding work, but some lines...

I dunno. This might be too much just for me, but I'm--- really upset here rn.

And I guess that's it. I need to try and destress at least a bit to even think about going to sleep early. Might end up just rereading my baby for some comfort. And just... try to survive this week, I guess...

[raksh-writes]

Oh, how do I even go to sleep when Im used to far later hours, it's almost 11pm and Im waking up at 4.45am tomorrow, kill me, I hate it so muuuuuuch, ahahjxjdnxjsksudbsj

[raksh-writes]

Not only did I get my killer cramps period today, or rather at 4am at night, but my knees are also killing me and we're also not only one man down at work, but we're gonna be 2 people instead of 3 on second shift when it's the busiest they've ever been and we weren't able to do everything the past two days in 3 people in 12h shifts (4 of which are afterhours, mind you) anyway. I'm--- I knew it's gonna be hard, 'cause its the height of their season, but they're seriously understaffed and there's just too much work for how many of us there is. And I still didn't get a contract, might not get for another few weeks if the boss will go the route of trying to employ me through the Job Office. Like---

I might reach my limit very soon, ngl. The problem is, there's basically no other work around here. And it's not that bad of a job, it's just not enough of us. And I'm also dying in several different ways today.

It's gonna be hell, I just know it. Wish me luck or something xd

[raksh-writes]

My scalp is killing me and I'm--- not handling it well.

I hate this...

[raksh-writes]

Oh goodness give me strength/energy for, like, two more hours. It's the official dinner left and I'm exhausted, and I'll have to ask a waiter about vegetarian options, uhh, I really dont like flagging attention like that, but I can only hope it' be alright. The woman in reception did say there are options and to ask, soooo... I just really have no energy left for this dinner and asking something extra xd I'm gonna stay for like, an hour or maybe a lil' more after, and then go back to our room, to bed. Maybe try to catch up early on some sleep.

Uhhh, wish me luck, or something xd

[raksh-writes]

A few hours into this impromptu trip - impromptu for me, specifically, it was all planned for the others and I got thrown in the middle yesterday's evening - and I'm still so unsure about this whole thing. Esp the party in the evening. It's like an official dinner and then it turns into a party. I haven't slept a wink from all the anxiety and I'm already starting to have a headache. I want to make the most out of this trip, esp since I have no responsibilities 'cause I'm only filling a left out space, but I'm not a party person and tbh I kinda just want to go to sleep xd But I'm gonna be with some stranger woman in the room and I'm expecting they'll stay at the party long and all.

I planned to go out into the city, 'cause it's a beautiful one I never been in before, but the weather is so bad too xd Cloudy, cold and windy ;/ And I'm gonna be back tomorrow evening, not afternoon - others want to go into the city and for some dinner/lunch - so prob exhausted and no time for myself this. One saving grace is I'm going in on monday for the second shift starting at midday not the early one. Still, I won't be able to do much for myself this weekend, ehh

Prob shouldn't have agreed for this trip...