#I still think it’s worth it to have the extra flexibility!!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

oh my god okay I’ve been working since 7:30am but MN, SD, and JW are all submitted for internal review!!! NF is ready to submit as soon as he gets home from school and does a final readthrough!!!! DN has decided to waive review lol godspeed to that poor kid but it means less work for me today yippee!!!! and I also had time to give the baby a bath which is his new favorite activity (furiously focused water-kicking time!!!!). I think now I will take a break from student work and take all the residents of this household out for a brisk walk.

[gurugirl]

A Balancing Act | Ch. 1*

Series Summary: Harry is a famous, rich, handsome, pop star and he’s been in therapy since his boy band days. When he meets Y/n, a beautiful and successful artist, he cannot take no for an answer when it comes to her. He’s determined to make her his even if he has to bend the rules a little at first.

Chapter Summary: Meeting Harry Styles at the hotel she was staying at was a surprise. But to have him invite her to his room for a drink was unexpected.

Warning: smut

Word Count: 17,748

Commissioned by @cinnamonone (thank you!! xoxo)

A Balancing Act Masterlist

Harry remembers the days when he used to go into his therapist’s office for his sessions. But after fame hit the paps knew where he was going, learned his schedule, and he was constantly bombarded. And of course, the fans caught on so there’d be screaming people trying to get his attention as he hopped from his car to the back entrance.

Lately, though, she’d been coming to his house instead. She charged more for in-house visits but Harry wasn’t bothered by the extra cost. Her time and flexibility were worth it to him so he’d happily pay the added fee.

They normally sat in his office together for the sessions. It was always like chatting with a close colleague when he’d have her over. Harry would usually have pastries and green juice or matcha to share and they’d talk about their week. She’d even talk to him about hers a little. Which always made him feel so comfortable around her. It invited him to really open up and he learned to be vulnerable with her over time.

He'd been seeing her since his One Direction days which meant in-person visits weren’t always possible if he was traveling, but Pat took a lot of late-night calls and FaceTime time sessions over the years. And Harry trusted her more than he trusted most people. She’d earned his trust. She’d heard his deepest, darkest secrets and knew all the dirty details about all of his past loves and flings. She wasn’t a sex therapist but she often gave him advice that helped him in that department.

And today she was doing just that. Listening to him drone on about his last lover, the older woman with two children who left her fiancé to be with him. He felt bad about everything in their relationship – from the beginning, he knew it wasn’t going to last and it was only meant to be a quick fling. But then he did develop feelings (Harry loved to fall in love and it was usually quite messy) against his better judgment. And then when she left the father of her children it became even more complicated.

“I just felt like I owed her. She’d given up so much for me and it was crazy of me to feed into that. I should have told her then and there that we wouldn’t end up together but I think a part of me just wanted to have the stability. But instead, it just dragged on for too long.” Harry had recently seen her at an event and she ignored him, just as he ignored her, but that didn’t mean it didn’t affect him because here he was in therapy with Pat talking about her.

Pat tapped her pen on her notepad and nodded. She’d heard all this before. But the guilt he felt was continually bubbling up and pouring out in their sessions even though they’d been broken up for the better part of a year.

“Harry, let’s talk about that. The stability part. Do you feel like you still need to be in a relationship to be stable? We’ve worked on this in the past and it sounds like that’s still a constant in your romantic attitude.”

Harry knew he was someone that just loved being with someone. Long-term, a week, a night… he just enjoyed the attention and he loved giving attention. And he was good at it. Well, he gave a lot of himself even if the relationship wasn’t serious. That’s just how he was.

“I know I need to be more confident to be alone and not have someone in my bed or my life all the time. I mean, I haven’t even had sex in like, a month.”

Pat laughed and shook her head, “I know Harry. And probably the whole world too. I know how hard that is for you – to never be able to have any privacy even if it’s just something fun," she paused as nodded, "And so a month... That's not really that long, but I’m assuming you’re referring to the model you were with in Tokyo about month ago? Pictures of you two were plastered everywhere.”

Harry nodded and chuckled, “Oh yeah. That was just… we were drunk so I wasn’t careful but I had fun ya know? I just want to be able to have fun and not deal with the public knowing that we probably fucked. Or all the weird speculation. It’s not anyone’s business. Sometimes I make mistakes and get caught in public but it’s tiresome. I want to be able to go out and do normal things but I can’t.” 

Again, these were all things Pat knew about and had heard verbatim. She truly felt for him, though. Was even protective of him as if he were her son. Harry was so charming and likable and just a genuinely nice person that it was hard not to feel like he needed protecting at times.

But what could she do? He was a grown man now. A grown man who enjoyed love and all the kinds of things that went with it. But more than that he loved his job. Which was where the biggest problem lie. Harry’s job was a drawback for most people he’d attempted a relationship with. Some could handle the long distance, the frequent flights and stays at hotels, eating and dressing and showering on the road, screaming fans, women and men throwing themselves at him, stalking him, feeling entitled to his attention when he was out in public eating breakfast.

And he’d never give any of it up for a relationship. But that didn’t make it easy. Harry hardly remembered what it used to be like before he became famous. He was catapulted into the limelight as a teenager and was in one of the most popular boybands the world had ever known. But when he went off on his own for a solo career, assembled a talented group for his band, cut off his long hair, and began writing songs and crooning in well-fitted suits in small venues and theaters his fame rose year by year. Every album he put out was more popular than the one before.

With fame came flocks of fans. Who were willing to do nearly anything to get a glimpse up close of the charming boy with big green eyes, sweet dimples, and a deep voice. So yeah. Relationships suffered.

“You always have the option to just stop. Finish off your contract and then forget about fame. But you don’t want that. So doing normal things in public will be hard while you’re so famous.”

“I know. I wouldn’t want to stop. I love what I do. Just wish I had more privacy.”

“But I’m proud that you’re not isolating like you did for a while there. Wouldn’t even answer my calls for some time. Remember? You’re doing okay now, though. I think you’re improving. Your fame continues to grow and you are adjusting to it.”

Harry nodded, “Yeah. That was a rough go. Not being able to see family or close friends during the pandemic really got to me. I am still surprised by how I responded to that all that. Doesn’t feel like that was me, you know? Feels like such a long time ago.”

“It affected many people in ways they hadn’t realized it would. People who had never struggled with depression or drug use before had to fight for their lives to get better.”

“Yeah… I was just alone with all those thoughts. Missing… her. I even called her one night. Don’t remember the conversation because I had taken sleep pills right before but saw that I’d called her the night before when I looked through my phone. Realized it was bad then.”

“Camille?”

Harry shifted in his seat and sighed. He didn’t like to say her name. That had been the hardest breakup. Because he really loved her. It no longer stung like it used to but he thought of her often, “She had a boyfriend of course. Still does. And he’s far better for her. Can go with her whenever and wherever. And I couldn’t because I was so busy. And she couldn’t come with me either because she’s got her own acting and modeling career. Just… I’m okay with that all now. But there were nights when I was alone in that big house and I couldn’t stop picking apart all the things that went wrong between us.”

“Too much time to think. Even I dealt with overthinking and dwelling.”

Harry glanced at Pat and smiled, “We’re all so similar. Us humans. Even we can surprise ourselves at times by torturing our brains and combing over details long past.”

Pat was proud of how insightful Harry was and how far he'd come.

. . .

Harry’s next show was in Chicago. He was getting himself pumped up for stage time. His outfit was being tailored once again, his hair styled, a bit of bronzer and highlighter, moisturizer on his arms and torso, lips stained a deep berry shade, nails painted lavender…

Music and his fans and being on stage were Harry’s favorite things. Well, he had another favorite thing that he could have that very night. It was easy when he was on stage and singing his heart out. A little eye contact and a raised brow to the cute curvy girl with the big tits at the front of pit, a hand wave and a wink, a tequila ordered for the pretty blond in the balcony seats he had a good view of, or calling out the tall guy in the middle of his concert and continually flirting with him in front of thousands (millions after the videos made it to social media). It was easy. Harry just had it so he could really have his pick, for the most part. If he wanted.

And like every one of his sets, at the end he was exhausted yet pumped with adrenaline. Meeting some of his lucky fans and taking pictures backstage was par for the course. Nothing out of the ordinary for a night after a concert.

But he had another show the following evening and so Jeff was giving him the signal it was time to head out and get back to his hotel so he could call it a night. The morning of a show was always early for rehearsing, a good workout, an ice bath, meditation…

Harry was ushered into the back entrance of the posh hotel he was staying at and used the freight elevator to get to the top floor to his room without anyone seeing him. Which he hated. He hated having to hide and duck away from fans. Hated being treated like a big secret no matter where he went. But on the other side of the coin, he cherished his privacy so it was necessary.

Jeff left him alone after Harry settled into his suite. He had the TV on and was about to call his mom because she’d be up at that time, but then there was a knock at his door. It was past 12:30 am so he couldn’t imagine who it would be.

Harry slowly opened the door to see a hotel employee standing with a bouquet of flowers, “These were sent here earlier, Mr. Styles, but we forgot to put them in your room. My apologies for the mistake.”

Harry took the bouquet and smiled at the young man, slipping him a tip and telling him not to worry.

Pulling the card out of the flowers he put the lovely bouquet down on the buffet and opened it to find out who it was from.

“We miss you, H. Hope you’re well. Love XX”

It was his ex. The one he’d wasted nearly two years with. He’d gotten to know her children and this card was meant to pull at his heartstrings with the ‘we miss you’. And it worked. The guilt built up again. He didn’t miss her or their relationship, but the guilt he carried for everything that happened to them during and even after was upsetting. He just wished his life was truly private like a normal guy. And then maybe he could move on and get real closure.

And against Jeff’s advice, Harry decided to go down to the hotel bar by himself which would be open for another couple of hours. A drink would help. Maybe a chat with someone nice. He hoped there weren’t any crazy fans down there but he’d rather risk that than sitting alone in his suite for another minute.

The bar was mostly empty. There were a few couples at tables, some individuals sitting and drinking at the bar. Harry grabbed a small table near the front with a good view of the bar and was greeted quickly to get his order.

He looked around casually and realized no one seemed to notice him. It felt nice. A moment of peace in public without anyone snapping photos or taking videos.

Across from his small table was a woman he suddenly took note of. She was dressed smartly. A silky green blouse tucked into charcoal trousers. She was looking at her phone and sipping a cocktail of some sort. She was pretty with delicate features and he couldn’t help himself when he noticed her pretty round bottom taking up the stool she sat on. Harry wasn’t a pervert but he had the perfect view of her. He was just a man after all and he appreciated beautiful women and men at times.

The server brought his drink to him and grinned widely, “Enjoy your whisky neat, Mr. Styles.”

Suddenly the woman turned her head and made eye contact with Harry. Her eyes widened before she quickly looked back down at her phone. She recognized him. Harry knew right away. But he was intrigued that she looked away. He decided to get her attention.

“Wish I could do that.”

The woman lifted her head and turned to look at Harry, confusion on her face as she looked behind herself and then back to Harry, “Sorry, are you speaking to me?”

Harry chuckled, “Of course I am.”

She set her cell phone down and tilted her head as she turned toward him, “You wish you could do what?”

Harry nodded toward the cell phone she had on the table, “Scroll through social media so casually.”

She stitched her brows together as she looked down at her phone and then back to Harry, “What makes you think I was scrolling through social media?”

Harry laughed and he guessed that was a fair question, “You’re right. I guess I don’t know what you’re looking at. Sorry if I offended,” he lifted his glass up toward her and then took a sip.

She smiled and lifted her own glass and then took a sip in response.

But now Harry was very interested. He wondered what she was looking at but also found her response to be refreshing. Instead of fawning she was smart and snappy with him. Even though she clearly recognized him, she wasn’t giggling and asking for an autograph or a photo.

He stood up and took a chance to ask if he could join her. He knew it was gutsy but he was rarely turned down and the woman was intriguing.

“Mind if I sit here with you? A little company is nice.”

Now Y/n was very much feeling her nerves peak when she realized Harry Styles was sitting next to her table. And then he’d made conversation with her. She was surprised he was speaking to her at all and now here he was asking to sit with her. She had no reason to say no. So when she nodded and he pulled the stool out that was closest to hers and placed his whisky on the table she swallowed down the bubbling nerves and called on her natural self-confidence. She was a confident woman. She was successful and lived a good life that she worked hard for. She was smart and grounded. But she was also hyper-aware that she was not his type. So even if for the briefest moment she thought she caught him looking at her ass she had to have been wrong.

Their conversation was surprisingly fascinating to her. She imagined he’d have a lot of things to say but she didn’t realize he was such a deep and interesting person. His insight was very spot on and he was sensitive and a good listener.

When the server came over and told them it was last call they both ordered one more drink. Y/n wasn’t ready to call it a night and neither was Harry.

“So, what are you here for, in Chicago, exactly?”

“Oh, there is an art show this weekend. I, uh… I have a bunch of my pieces at the Carrie Secrist Gallery right now.”

Harry paused. She mentioned she was an artist but he didn’t realize she was here for work, “Wow. Really? Carrie Secrist Gallery,” he said the name of the gallery quietly as if to catalog the information, “So will you be here tomorrow night again?”

“Yes. Booked the room for the weekend. I leave Sunday afternoon. Hopefully, my work gets all sold so I don’t have to repack and ship it back home.”

Harry nodded and watched her lips as she spoke and then her eyes. He couldn’t stop from letting his gaze drop to her plush lips. And Y/n noticed it too. It had her palms sweating. Maybe it was just the alcohol.

“Would you want to come to my show tomorrow evening? I can get you some really good seats – two if you’d like to bring anyone. I’d love it if you came. Maybe after we could do this again,” he gestured around them.

She was momentarily stunned. It was so out of the blue, unexpected. But it was also only an invitation to his concert. Which… still… this was a personal invite from Harry Styles and an opening to see him afterward which was quite something.

His green eyes and the smile on his pink lips were so close to her. She felt like suddenly with the way he was eyeing her that perhaps there was more to his invite. She’d been pushing that feeling down since he asked to sit with her but now it was glaring. Obvious. It was obvious that he was seeking something else. Maybe a quick one-night thing before he left for his next destination.

“What time would I need to get there?”

“Show starts at 7 with the opener.”

“Hmm… the gallery where I'm showing my art doesn't close til 7. I’d be getting there too late-“

“Well just come after that’s over. I’d still love to see you even if you’re a little late.”

She nodded and tried to rationalize everything. Could she really do this? Perhaps it was nothing at all but this didn’t feel like nothing and her instincts were usually spot on. She had no reason to say no except that he was super famous and what would it all look like logistically? But looking back at his face she just saw a handsome, confident man. There didn’t need to be any strings attached or consequences. It could be fun, “Sure. That could work. But it would just be me. Anyone I’d want to bring wouldn’t be able to make it in time for tomorrow night.”

Harry’s grin widened and his famous dimples dug into his cheeks, “Even better.”

. . .

Y/n had a hard time sleeping that night. She was hoping to have a couple of drinks to wind down after the adrenaline of the gallery showing. Her evening had been excellent. She sold some of her most expensive pieces, had a fabulous dinner with the curator and a couple of other artists, and then met and had drinks with Harry Styles.

The following day at the gallery she was on fire as well. Her good mood was contagious and every one of her paintings sold. She was asked to dinner again after the gallery closed but this time she declined, citing a concert to get to as her reason for skipping out.

She received a text halfway through her day as promised with a link to the details of her ticket retrieval at the will-call window. Lifting her phone up to the person manning the booth she showed them the QR code and watched on as they called someone and got off the phone, “Just wait here for a moment. Someone’s coming to get you.”

Being ushered into the back of the venue and then through a hallway she followed behind the man until he finally led her to an area with balcony seating and a good view of the stage, “Mr. Styles has said anything you’d like is on him. Can I get you a drink?”

Y/n still felt like it was so surreal to be here at a Harry Styles show on personal invitation and now being offered something to drink. On. Him.

“Is chardonnay on the menu?”

The man nodded and left in the blink of an eye.

Harry wasn’t on the stage yet. The opener was just finishing up and the crowd was full of young girls dressed in brightly colored, outfits. Lots of feathers and fringe and glitter and rhinestones.

The man returned with a glass of chardonnay as Y/n looked out over the crowd and leaned over the balcony. She wasn’t sure what to expect when she arrived but her spot had a good view and she was happy she wasn’t down amongst all the pretty young things in front of the stage below.

The moment Harry came on the energy in the room was thick and everything was all about Harry. Fans with signs, lots of screaming, and most everyone sang along.

She couldn’t help but to dance and sing a little. The excitement and his enthusiasm spilled over everyone. Including her. Y/n noticed that it looked like Harry was watching her from the stage. He’d look up toward where she was with a grin often enough that it made her wonder. She thought perhaps he was smiling and looking toward someone else but it was definitely her because she watched as he mimicked her awful attempt at dancing by twirling around and shaking his hips exaggeratedly. She felt her face grow warm when some of the fans began to look up toward the balcony where she stood. Luckily there were other people where she was (who she later found out all had tickets from members of the band – a sort of VIP section for friends and family) so it wasn’t immediately obvious it was her he was grinning at.

The entire concert felt like a whirlwind. Harry’s charisma and style of entertainment were so contagious and exciting. Y/n felt like she was on adrenaline as she was being led backstage. The area was bustling as well. Lots of fans, mostly young girls, a table with small bites and beverages, and sitting areas.

She saw a couple of the band members taking photos with a group of people and then she heard shrieks and turned toward the commotion. There he was flocked by a group of fans and taking photos with one or two at a time. His smile was dazzling, genuine. She noted that he’d changed out of his stage outfit into a pair of basketball shorts and a sweater. He looked so casual in his outfit, yet there was no mistaking that this man commanded the room. That he was the star everyone wanted a piece of.

Y/n decided to keep herself occupied and look around while she waited for Harry to free up a bit. She wasn’t quite sure he’d really be seeing her afterward like he mentioned the night before. And the text she received earlier with the ticket details came from an automated six-digit number separated by a dash in between. Which made sense because he probably didn’t want her to have his number.

But she’d stick around to at least say hi.

“You came. Thank you,” Y/n turned to see the man behind her, with his handsome grin looking right at her.

“Oh, well, of course! Figured why not? It was a great concert by the way!”

They chatted for only a few minutes before they were interrupted again. Harry gave Y/n a look of apology, “Meet me at the hotel bar in like an hour?”

“Okay. I will try to be there in an hour,” she was going to just say absolutely yes, 100% she’d be there but that all sounded a little too desperate for her taste. She preferred to keep things level. And who knew if he’d even show up?

In her room, Y/n went back and forth between changing into something more comfortable or just keeping her current outfit on. She decided to keep on what she had and instead freshened up her hair and dotted on the smallest bit of undereye concealer.

It had been a while since she’d been interested in anyone. And she didn’t know what Harry wanted but the night before she was picking up certain vibes. She could be wrong. Perhaps she’d misread the whole situation. But she thought it could be fun to get out a little. Try and move on from the trauma of her last relationship. She tried not to think of it when she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Moving on had been something she’d been attempting to do for a while. A fun night with a handsome pop star could help a little. If that’s where things led. Hopefully.

At the bar, she ordered soda water to start. She didn’t want to get sloppy, just in case it turned into something more than just a friendly chat. It was around the time Harry said he’d meet her. She’d give him a little leeway since he had just gotten finished putting on a concert for thousands of adoring fans.

But when another thirty minutes had passed she checked her phone to find that there was nothing from him and no sign of his cute dimples in the bar anywhere either.

She waved at the bartender, “I’ll have a glass of house chardonnay please.”

She figured she might as well have one more glass of wine for the evening before calling it a night.

Looking at Instagram while she waited for her drink she realized she had a dm. It was from Dante. An artist she hit it off with at her last showing. They’d been messaging back and forth a bit but nothing had come of it. He lived a few hours away from her so getting together again hadn’t really been brought up. Except now.

Hey, I’ll be heading your way for an art exhibit soon. Would love to catch up in person if you’re free. Would you be interested in seeing me again? I’ll let you know when I’ll be in town when I find out more.

Smiling she began to type her response when the bartender placed her glass of wine down along with an envelope with her name written on the front.

She looked up at the young man in question

“Concierge handed this to me right after you ordered.”

“But how did you know this was for me?” She lifted the envelope up and flipped it over to open it up.

“Because I have your credit card with your name on it when you started your tab. Plus they described you. It’s from a very special guest I’m told.”

A very special guest.

She pulled her lips into her mouth to hide the grin that was about to take over as she looked around the bar, still, with no sign of Harry.

Pulling out the contents of the envelope she took a sip of her wine.

Sorry, I ran late. Take a drink in my room with me? p1900 - H

Blinking her eyes she felt her pulse pick up as she folded the note and tucked it into her purse. She gulped down another bit of chardonnay and grinned to herself, already having completely forgotten about Dante.

So she had read this right. The nerves in her belly bubbled up as she waved at the bartender, Check please!”

After making a pitstop at her room to really “freshen” up she realized that the floors stopped off at 8. After that was P.

Penthouse.

Hitting the P, she leaned her back into the wall as the elevator took her to the top floor.

The moment she stepped out of the elevator she was greeted by a man, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Oh!” She suddenly remembered who she was dealing with. Harry Styles, a world-famous, A-list pop star. Of course, he’d have security. “Yes, I uh… Harry invited me up-“ She reached into her purse and pulled out the note, “Here.”

The man unfolded the note and then looked at her with a smile, “Y/n?”

So he’d told them her name…

She nodded as he handed the note back to her, “Follow me.”

She figured this was something Harry had done before; had people brought to his room. The occasional one-night stand. Some fun for the weekend.

The man knocked at the door and only a handful of seconds passed before Harry was standing in the doorway, wearing the same after-concert outfit he’d been wearing when she left the venue earlier.

He smiled at her, “Come in,” and then looked at the man, “Thanks, Shamus.”

The suite was huge. That was no surprise. She’d seen a few nice suites in her days. Being an artist wasn’t always so lucrative but she was always invited to the good after parties. She had a lot of artsy fartsy friends, some very well-off.

“I’m really sorry about being so late. I just got caught up and then before I realized the time it was too late. I’m glad you were still at the bar.”

“Yeah,” she said as she walked around toward the sitting area with the large woven rug and plush couches, “about that… what if I wasn’t in the bar? I was about to go back to my room.”

“Well, then I guess we would have missed one another. That would have been a shame.”

“But you have my number. You could have reached out.”

Harry scratched the back of his neck as she sat down. She was acting far more confident than she really was. But this was part of what she did. She was constantly put into situations where she needed to be confident and sell herself. Her art was an extension of herself. So when she needed to make some sales at shows and galleries she learned just how to do that. Her art sold itself for the most part. But there were enough people who wanted her story. Sometimes, she was what sold her piece. She’d do whatever it took to not be a starving artist anymore.

“I know I could have. But… I hope you don’t take offense. I have a rule not to give out my number so easily. Not that I think you’d use it to do anything but I’ve just had some really bad experiences. People I’ve trusted have betrayed me and changing my number is something I have nightmares about,” he laughed as sat down next to her on the couch.

She laughed with him. She actually could sort of understand it. Being a woman was like that in a way. Giving out her number to someone could be risky. It was a gamble to have her information out there with someone she didn’t know well.

“I’m not offended. But I really thought you’d changed your mind. Though, in all honesty,” she stretched her arms overhead with a yawn and leaned back into the very shockingly comfortable couch, “I was sort of looking forward to my bed. I’m exhausted.”

Harry leaned back and draped his leg over his knee, “I know what you mean. If I were you I’d much prefer a comfy bed than to spend any time with me either,” he laughed and then put his arm along the back of the couch, “but really… if you’re tired, don’t feel pressure to stay. I am glad you’re here, though.”

There it was. He gave her the choice. So he could have the green light. The thumbs up. He was clever. Telling her she didn’t have to stay but also letting her know he wanted her there. The ball was in her court.

“I’m curious as to why you think I’m interesting enough to invite back to your room for a drink, of which I’ve not yet been offered,” she teased with a chuckle. She didn’t want to seem like some pushover but at the same time, she felt a little flirty. She’d had such a good night at the gallery and she hadn’t been alone with a man nearly as attractive as Harry in… well, she’d never been alone with a man as attractive as Harry. And he was very much giving off the air of flirty himself. The way he kept putting his finger up to his lip, the eye contact, his arm reaching across the couch behind her… His body language was a dead giveaway.

 “You don’t think you’re interesting?”

Y/n smiled. He was good. Of course that was a good line to use on someone he didn’t know. She was wondering something very specific that he’d yet to admit. That she was there for some fun. A quick romp. He had a need that he wanted filled and so did she. The reason he’d asked her to his room was for that. Yet he insisted on playing coy.

“I know I’m interesting. But you don’t know me. So why is it that you’ve asked me here?” She raised her brows at him as he stood and walked to the buffet across the room.

“I felt comfortable with you from the start. It’s nice to have a conversation with someone new once in a while. Not someone in the industry,” Harry turned back with a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in his other, “and sorry I didn’t offer you a drink. Wine?”

Nodding her head she watched as Harry sat back down next to her, a little closer this time as he uncorked the bottle and poured two glasses.

Clinking their glasses together Harry sat back into the couch again. The silence had been a little awkward as he poured their drinks and Y/n was feeling a bit unsettled. She wasn’t sure what to say. As confident as she normally could be, this was getting very real and her mind wouldn’t stop wandering to what would be happening in thirty minutes or an hour from then. Would he be really going all in with her? Trying to get laid? She wouldn’t mind it, not at all. She’d happily let Harry Styles fuck her if he wanted. But would he be thinking about how her thighs and her tummy were plump and soft (mushy really was the better descriptor)?

She’d looked up his past exes because what else would one do before meeting up one on one with Harry Styles? She knew it was a bad idea but once she got a peep of some of the women he’d been with in the past… well, she certainly didn’t fit that mold. She didn’t think she was ugly. Not at all. But she wasn’t a model. She wasn’t a hot body, lush-haired, perfectly put-together wealthy woman of the world.

She was an artist. She made a good living nowadays, but nothing crazy. She lived in the Midwest USA and would go six months without getting her haircut, much less even visiting for a style. She dressed cute, she thought, but not high fashion. Not with leather, and silk, and cashmere and braided linen… Her makeup style was a crapshoot. She wore a nice, tinted moisturizer (with sunscreen because she couldn’t be bothered with the extra step), cream blush, mascara, and if she was going out, red lipstick. That was her bold makeup move. Red lips. Contouring was a foreign concept to her.

“The wine is good. Thanks,” she said lifting her glass up before taking another sip.

“Oh yeah. I enjoy a little wine once in a while. Not really much of a connoisseur but this is one of my favorite red blends.”

Y/n nodded and looked down at her glass. He was obviously feeling the nerves as well. She felt him shift next to her as he put his arm back behind her on the couch again.

She thought about just putting the moves on. Getting it over with. But then he started to talk.

“Tomorrow afternoon I fly out to Brazil. Haven’t been there in a while. Feels like with the pandemic everything just stopped. Glad to have things sort of going back to normal. Ya know? But… What about you? Do you live near Chicago? You mentioned you live in the suburbs.”

They chatted a bit, revealing small things about themselves little by little. Eventually, she even wound up telling him her age and that she’d been in a long-term relationship that ended tragically but she didn’t give him all the details. She didn’t want his pity. But it felt natural to tell him a little bit more after he opened up to her about his last girlfriend and how it was his longest relationship but that he had felt stuck in it halfway through. That she had kids and how difficult that made everything.

Y/n knew who he was talking about as well. He didn’t need to say her name because she’d googled it all beforehand.

And she was aware that she wasn’t as old as his last girlfriend. She was only about a year older than Harry was but he was so sincere and mature that he felt older. Yet, there was a playful edge to him that was refreshing. And he was an excellent listener. Just as he had been the night before.

That was another reason she felt comfortable revealing small things about herself to him. He acted like what she was saying was worth being heard. He didn’t look at the clock on the wall, or let his eyes glaze over in boredom as she spoke. He asked her questions about what she’d said, remembered her sister’s name when she mentioned that she had two nieces, and even asked her about how her art show went – remembering the name of the gallery.

“And how did it go tonight at the Carrie Secrist Gallery? Did you get all your pieces sold?”

She laughed at his question – the way he said the name of the gallery. She thought he was probably showing off a little. He was naturally very charismatic and charming and she was falling for it hard. He’d bump his knee into hers every so often and his eyes never left her face which had her skin growing warm. He was flirting in the most subtle way.

“It went well! Actually, I sold all of my pieces. I did give a discount for one of them to be displayed at a restaurant because I figure that’s like advertisement, right? But yeah. It was a really good night.”

Harry cocked his head to the side and she noted how he watched as she sipped her wine and licked her lips. He wasn’t being coy anymore. His obvious gaze was his way of moving it along.

She stared back at him and felt her skin start to prickle with nerves. It was bold to look him directly in his sharp green eyes when he was sat so close to her. She watched as his lips turned up in a small smirk and he leaned in closer, “What perfume are wearing?”

She had to pause to think. It was her travel perfume. She liked nice scents and had a few back home but when she traveled she didn’t bring her usuals with her because they were too costly to risk being broken. And normally when she was traveling it was because she was participating in an exhibit or show and that meant she would wear very little of anything scented. Mostly out of respect. Like being on an airplane and wearing a beautiful spicy perfume that you’d put on before a date. You just wouldn’t.

“I think it’s like… um… I honestly don’t know the name. It’s a sample of something that I bring when I travel. Like a powdery, clean scent. Something nonoffensive. Would hate to lose out on a sale because I was wearing some wild cotton candy, musky, floral perfume or something,” she laughed.

Harry nodded with a small smile as he watched her mouth move around her words. She couldn’t help but notice how he looked from her lips and slowly brought his gaze back up to her eyes.

“What about you? You smell nice.” It was true. He did smell good. Clean and a little bit masculine. It was definitely some kind of cologne.

He looked down over his t-shirt and scrunched his brows in thought, “You think? Felt like I might be smelling a bit off.”

Y/n shook her head with a grin, “No. You smell nice. Clean.”

“Well, I did shower after the show. I get so hot and sweaty on stage. Sometimes the outfits don’t breathe at all. Just like, my hot skin trapped under saran wrap is what it feels like,” he laughed as he spoke but the visual had Y/n’s mind going into dark and dirty places. Perhaps he’d said it on purpose.

She stayed quiet as she sipped the last bit of her wine and then leaned forward to place the glass on the table in front of them.

“Would you like another bottle of wine? Or… something else?”

Clenching her jaw she looked at his empty glass next to hers.

Or something else…

“Well, I don’t know about having more wine…”

“Okay. Me neither to be honest. Also not quite ready to go to bed just yet. Do you want to like…” he pulled his lips into his mouth and raised his brows as he bumped her knee with his.

He didn’t need to say it. She knew what he meant. She kept her eyes on his with a grin on her face as he leaned in so close she could smell the wine on his breath, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

She was compelled to pull him toward her and put her lips to his instead of answering him verbally. She’d been watching his pink lips wrap around his words in the unique way he moved his mouth for long enough. They looked smooth and she was curious how they’d feel against hers. But the moment she felt his tongue slip out and wet the bottom of her lip she felt her mind go blank except for the thought that she was kissing Harry Styles. Sitting in his hotel room way past her bedtime with security outside of his door and an empty bottle of wine on the coffee table at her feet.

His hand moved to the back of her neck and pulled her in closer, to which she happily allowed herself to be moved toward his body. Her own fingers flitted into his thick hair, the curls winding between her fingers, just as soft as it appeared. 

To her surprise (and delight) he didn’t try rushing from kissing to trying to take her clothes off. In fact, he continued kissing her and pressing his tongue into hers and lapping over her lips, squeezing the back of her neck with one hand and her soft hip with the other for longer than she might have ever kissed anyone before. His mouth against hers was erotic and wet and a bit eager even. As if he hadn’t kissed anyone in a long time. But she matched that energy because she actually hadn’t kissed anyone in a long time.

He pinched her thigh a bit harder as she moved closer, her blouse-covered breasts brushing against his taut shirt-covered chest. She knew he was in good shape because she’d seen the pictures of him wearing open vests and jackets baring his well-built upper body while prancing on stage. Tonight’s outfit showcased how beefy he was with a well-fitted t-shirt and leather pants. A reminder of where she lacked.

As his hand slid upward to the curve of her waist she pulled away a little, really not feeling like he’d enjoy her extra bits once he touched them, “I… sorry…” she shook her head and sighed, feeling embarrassed.

Harry’s lips reached for hers again, brushing them softly over hers, “Sorry for what?”

But his mouth on hers was intoxicating and the way he was still grabbing at her and pulling her in made her forget what it was she was worried about.

The truth was that Harry loved what he saw and the way she felt so soft and plush under his hand. Her mouth, her hip, her waist. And she smelled pretty and her eyes were making him lose his mind. He wanted her in his bed and on his cock (if she’d allow that). Her voice was soft and feminine and she was smart and funny.

Harry had no trouble finding someone for the night. He’d been very lucky since his One Direction days but fame was like that. It also didn’t hurt that he was handsome with a deep voice and a big cock. But recently he decided to start being a little more choosy. Perhaps to find someone he could spend more than a night with. It was hard to do, though. Because he was on the road a lot and most people couldn’t keep up with his lifestyle unless they could go on the road with him. Which was usually an impossibility.

And after Y/n had left the venue a young woman was flirting heavily with him; batting her lashes and touching his arm, and giving off all the signals that she was a sure thing. Normally he’d have just stuck with that and had a good time with her for the evening. That was the easy route. A pretty girl very willing and eager whom he could send away after without feeling too bad. Did that make him a bad person? He didn’t think so. It was just sex most of the time. He was always safe and respectful and the kind of sexual tension that would build up while he was singing and dancing (and honestly that was when he was feeling his most attractive and confident) was normal after every show. It wasn’t like he had sex with someone new after each concert. But the option was always there.

But tonight he really wanted to see Y/n again. The cute girl was the easier option, but Y/n was the kind of woman he wanted to keep with him until morning. Let her sleep in his suite and have a couple of rounds with her. There was no way to know if it could ever be more but she was something different. His therapist, Pat, had told him to stop going with what was easiest. To take a step back and look for more substance. She told him he was clearly looking for something deeper and while there was nothing wrong with a bit of fun, deep down he needed more. And he knew she was right.

Harry’s hand roamed upward to the underside of her boob and even with the blouse and the bra covering her flesh he could feel how soft and heavy her breast was. He wanted to tear her shirt off and take a look but he’d let her lead the way because she seemed like she knew what she wanted when she slid her palm over his thigh and close to his crotch. Harry was solid and already thickened under his shorts, which was quite obvious from the way the fabric tented outward. He pulled her in closer again, hoping she’d grasp him over his shorts.

But instead, when Harry pulled at her she lost her balance and so the hand she was slowly moving upward as she worked up the courage to palm over his obvious erection suddenly was planted firmly over his cock, her hand trying to steady herself so as not to crush him under her palm and so she didn’t fall forward into him like she was about to.

They both parted from the kiss, Harry laughing and Y/n apologizing and quickly removing her hand, “Oh my gosh! Are you okay?”

Harry was more than okay when he looked into her pretty eyes and saw how flustered she was, how swollen her lips were from kissing, and the way her eyes were blown out.

He put his hand over hers and pulled it back to cup over his hard dick, “As you can tell, I’m just fine,” he grinned and looked down at the state of himself and her eyes followed him. She knew he was hard, she felt it when she fell into him. Which was quite exciting now that she was having her hand guided over him, he squeezed around her fingers so she had to tighten her grip around him. She panted and looked up at him. He was girthy and the way his dick was stuffed under his shorts, bent a little bit as it was constricted by the elastic. She could tell he was hung. Very much so.

“Do you want me to… can I?” She asked, licking her lips and looking back down at his big bulge and Harry leaned back, putting his arms back along the couch.

“If you want. But if you do that then be warned that I am gonna want to return the favor.”

A laugh was forced out of Y/n’s nose as she looked back into his eyes curiously, “Be warned? As if that would be a bad thing?”

Harry shrugged, “You never know.”

Y/n bit her bottom lip and slowly tugged at the elastic of the shorts he had on to reveal he was sans underwear. The shock of seeing his thick deep pink tip so quickly had her gasping unexpectedly and pausing her motion. She could tell he was big just by the way he felt, but seeing it bare before her eyes…

Looking back up at him he nodded at her to continue so she pulled at the material, pushing it down and then finally getting a full at him, long and pretty, hard as a rock. He was fully engorged and heavy in her hand when she slid her palm over him. Yes, this would do.

Getting to her knees on the floor in between his legs she kept her hand on him, not wanting to let go. It was unbelievable that she was holding Harry Styles’ thick cock in her hand and he was hard for her. She clenched her thighs just imagining what it might feel like wrecking her insides because it would.

She licked her lips and leaned over him slowly, leisurely pumping him upward. Spitting over his tip she looked up at him and pressed her mouth to his slit with a tiny peck and used her hand to coat his cock with the saliva. She spat again to give her hand more glide and on her upward stroke, her palm squeezed around his frenulum. Harry moaned and leaned his head back. His pink lips parted.

Positioning herself more comfortably she lowered her mouth again to the underside of him, licking upward until her tongue glided over his tip and she popped his bulbous crown into her mouth and sucked. He reached down to put a hand into her hair and grunted as she got lower over him.

He tasted good. Of course, he hadn’t come yet but he was clean and smelled nice. She was never a fan of the taste of come but she was certain with Harry, she’d gulp him all down with a smile on her face despite whatever he might taste like.

Harry loved getting head. He didn’t always ask for it, and he didn’t technically ask for it this time either but she wanted it and he wanted to feel her warm mouth and plump lips wrapped around him since the night before when he first met her.

He was not disappointed either. She was taking him in well. He knew he wasn’t easy to take all the way, which was part of the reason he didn’t always ask for a blowie. But Y/n was good. He tried not to tighten his fingers in her hair, wanting her to go at her own pace but he did grasp the back of the couch with his free hand and found himself letting out a pathetic whimper when she swallowed around his tip.

She was enjoying this. She was pretty good at giving head, though it had been some time, she was a bit rusty but it was like riding a bike really. After a few swallows and deep strokes, his tip hitting the back of her mouth and making her gag lightly, she began to get the hang out of it again. And he was clearly enjoying it.

She was making a bit of a mess too. Drooling and coughing… the fabric of his shorts that was pressed under his balls was wet. Which reminded her…

Using her free hand she began to roll his scrotum in her palm gently. His balls were round and full and heavy and when he gasped she could tell that was a good sign.

“Oh my god… ffffuck, Y/n!” Harry couldn’t help it when he tightened his fingers in her hair. He was going to come already. A little bit embarrassing but she was good and the noises she was making and the way she was sucking him in, wet and warm… plus… he was getting a very good view of her with her mouth wrapped around him. Drool dripping down her chin and she’d look up at him every so often and that was doing him in. The fact that she was pushing him down her throat so deeply and then looking up at him as she gurgled around him was making him lose it.

Now, Harry was a bit dominant in the bedroom. Well, a lot actually. He didn’t always show it, especially not with one-night stands or with someone he’d just met. He liked to ease them into it unless they were clearly into it. And there was something that told him she liked it a bit rough. So when he pushed her down a little further and her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she moaned around him he coughed out a gasp and clenched his teeth to hold himself back. He wanted to have her on his cock like this for a while longer but she was conducting his perfect ideal for a blow job.

“Open that throat up for me, baby… gonna choke you with my come…” he panted his words and watched her closely as she hastened bobbing up and down over him. He took a risk to say what he wanted and she liked it. He had a feeling she would.

Y/n moaned at his words and the way he handled her hair and pushed her down over him. His sudden dominant display was welcomed and felt her arousal drip past her thong onto the insides of her thighs when he told her to open her throat for him. It was the hottest thing she’d heard in a long time.

And she did choke on his come. Salty and bitter, with an edge of sweetness. She swallowed and around him coughed as he flooded her throat. Tears poured from her eyes as she gulped him down the best she could and listening to his moans and grunts was satisfying to her.

Eventually, he released her hair and let his body melt into the couch as she licked him clean until his cock was softening in her mouth. He watched her when she sat back and wiped the back of her hand over her mouth with a small smile. The tears on her cheeks were mixed with streaks of black from her mascara and her mouth was puffy and wet.

“Come here,” Harry grasped the front of her neck and leaned in as he pulled her close so he could kiss her hard. She put her hands over his thighs to steady herself as he pulled her up and then moved her onto the couch under him. He pushed her down and lowered himself to her neck and licked upward toward her jawline, “Let me see you. Want to see your tits and your pussy. Can I, Y/n?”

She nodded as he pulled at her top. She sat up a little so he could pull the material off and she was quick to undo her clasp at the back. She was wearing a bra that was slightly complicated because her breasts were large and heavy so it was quite the device. She doubted he’d be able to figure it out fast enough.

“Holy fuck…” Harry groaned as he put his large hands over her tits and caressed the soft skin before lowering himself to attach his mouth to her left nipple and then her right one.

She hissed when he pulled at her nipple, sucking it into his mouth and squeezing gently at the other side. She hadn’t had anyone play with her tits in a long time. She’d really been missing intimacy. He sat back a little and pressed her boobs together before dipping back down to use his tongue all along her smooth flesh, tucking the wet muscle in between her breasts and licking upward toward her neck.

He continued kneading her tits as he settled himself onto his shins and sat back and looked at her face, “So fucking pretty.”

She arched her back, causing her hips to roll upward and Harry looked down to her hips, moving his hands down to the waistband of her skirt. He massaged her soft hips and watched as the material of her skirt lifted the slightest at the way he was squeezing her. He clenched his jaw and looked back into her eyes and raised his brows as if to ask her permission to keep lifting her skirt upward. She’d already nodded in response when he asked her moments ago but he wanted to know if she’d changed her mind or not.

Y/n brought her hands down and lifted the hem of her skirt up to just the part where her thighs were wholly exposed but her panties weren’t in view yet. Keeping her eyes on his she pushed at his hands to lower them so he could finish the job if he wanted. It was her way of giving him permission to pull her skirt up so he could see her.

And it wasn’t that Y/n was super confident in her body. In fact, if there was anything she was insecure about it was her weight and her body. She did well to push down the anxiety she felt about that and didn’t like to make it known she felt self-conscious, but she was. And here was Harry Styles between her legs and looking at her half-naked body, finally getting a view of her panties as he lifted her skirt. She knew she was wet between her legs already and watching the expression on his face she held her breath hoping he wasn’t grossed out by what he saw.

She watched him lick his lips as his brows set in a serious expression. He shot his gaze up to her eyes and then back down to her wet panties. She breathed a gasp when she felt his finger slip along the topmost part of her thigh just under the crotch of her panties, “You’re wet.”

She gulped hard. She knew there was nothing she could do to hide how wet she’d gotten from sucking him off. But when he thumbed at her thigh and collected her arousal before sticking his whole digit into his mouth and licking it clean, she dropped her mouth open in surprise.

“Mmm… do you know one of my favorite things to do is to put my face in between a woman’s thighs and make her come on my tongue?” He licked his lips again and pressed his thumbs to the elastic of her panties, pushing just under the fabric over her hips as he looked at her.

“I… no. I didn’t know,” was all she could respond with. She was anticipating what was to come and she couldn’t believe it so her brain wasn’t quite connecting with everything else at that moment.

Harry kept his eyes on hers as he began to lower her panties. He wanted access. Wanted to get his mouth on her and have her shaking and coming, getting his face all wet, dripping down to the couch below…

When Harry pulled the fabric down to her upper thighs he shifted to pull the material down and off her legs. He needed to have her spread apart for him so the panties needed to go.

When he finally allowed himself to look at the soft skin and the bit of hair she had all around her warm and wet pussy he closed his eyes and moaned when he gripped onto her hips, letting his fingers sink into her skin.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good. Okay? You want that, Y/n?” He yanked his shirt off over his head, revealing his well-defined chest and scattered tattoos. He must have planned on making a mess.

She nodded and looked down over her body and back into his eyes as he lowered himself over her. He went in tongue first and closed his eyes as he made the first lick upward through her slit and coated his tongue in her.

She moaned softly but then he quickly reached a hand down to the leg that was nearest the edge of the cushion and gripped onto the underpart of her thigh, making her spread out for him as he nudged into her further, lapping and sucking at her.

“OH!” She panted as his lips lowered to her entrance and his wide nose swept over her clit as he shook his head and pulled at her so he could push in further.

She grabbed onto the back of the couch with one arm and her other hand pushed into his soft hair. She rolled her hips upward and moaned at the way he felt on her, but he kept pushing her back down which was driving her nuts, in the best way. He was going in like a starved man and forcing her hips down to keep her still.

Harry wasn’t shy to eat pussy or do it his way. He found that women generally enjoyed the way he did it. His objective was always for it to feel good and for whoever was on the receiving end to come. And he really wanted to make Y/n come because of how good she’d just sucked him off. Swallowed his cock halfway down her throat and choked on his come. He wanted to give her something in return because he wanted to show her how good he could be. Hoped that he was better than anyone before him (because he liked being the best at everything he did).

“Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit!!! God! Harry, f-ffffuck!” When Harry shifted and stuffed two fingers inside and began to pump them in and out as he kept his mouth over her clit she knew she was gonna be a goner. Because this was her own go-to move when she masturbated.

She had a slim dildo she used that was curved and hit her insides nicely and loved combining that with her clit sucker[TK7] . It always got her off and Harry’s mouth and fingers were hitting all the spots she needed.

Going into this with him she figured it could be fun. Might get some pleasure, perhaps something to think back on fondly. She hoped for more than just that (if he could give her an orgasm that would have been preferred) but was prepared for just some fun but doubted an orgasm or anything like what was happening. The man was just as charming with his face between her thighs as he was talking and singing into a microphone. The humor and his charisma didn’t stop on stage. Harry was good. And sexy.

She stiffened as her muscles began to vibrate. Harry seemed to know that she was coming as he pumped his fingers into her harder and faster and continued slurping at her clit.

Only when she began to come down did she realize how loud she’d been. Her moans and cries were sure to have been heard by anyone standing near the door. Her slight embarrassment was quelled when she felt Harry’s lips still sliding over her pussy as he moaned. She was a mess and from what she could see of his face, that was too.

Pressing at his forehead as she giggled her words, “Harry! Okay… okay!” She wiggled away from him.

Harry sat up and looked down at her with a small smirk on his damp face. His eyes were hooded and he looked like he was ready for more, which she was not expecting. Figured he’d gotten what he needed and would have her on her way.

But instead, as he stood up she noticed that the strain at the front of his shorts was back with a vengeance. After pulling his shorts off, he pulled at her hand, helping her stand, and wrapped his fingers around hers as he led her to the bed.

She watched him walk in front of her, tall and well-built. A tush she could bite into. Would love to sketch and paint him in bronze, pink, olive, and brown. His thick dark hair, the lean neck holding up his big, yet handsome, head. Broad shoulders and a smooth back, strong, meaty thighs atop his sinewy lower legs. She could do his frame justice on a canvas. Add in a bit of gold and red, and plenty of dark, fine strokes to delineate his muscles. She’d use her script brush for the scattered hairs…

His mouth met hers and erased her thoughts and her gawking at his naked physique. The first thing that was apparent was the way he tasted. Like her pussy. She was not quite expecting it. She’d been out of the game like this for a bit and so kissing someone was already a fairly exciting prospect. But to have it be Harry Styles and then to have him taste like he’d just eaten her out? Now that was never something she’d had on her radar for sexual conquests. This felt like a bucket list item that would always just stay there, on the list. Except it was so far out of her realm of possibility that it never would have made it to such a list. But as it were, here she was, being pulled to his bed, his cock hard and long next to her, his mouth damp with her arousal, and then what?

“Take your skirt off for me, love.”

He didn’t ask her. He told her.

She knew that once her skirt was pulled off she’d be completely naked. In front of Harry Styles. With that body. But she complied. Bringing her skirt down over her hips and thighs until it fell into the floor in a small pile. She looked down over herself but tried not to think about the way she looked naked to him. He didn’t seem to mind her extra bits. In fact, he seemed to be rather enjoying her as she was. But she couldn’t help the way she felt so exposed.

He bent down to kiss her again, his fingers running into her hair with one hand and his other hand moving down her back and to her bottom, squishing her flesh and rutting his hips into hers.

Harry parted with a gasp and held her out so he could look at her, “You’re so fucking hot, Y/n. Climb on the bed for me.”

Her whole body was vibrating. The way he was looking at her had her nervous and vulnerable. She sat her bottom on the bed and watched him as she scooted into the middle of the mattress. Harry stood at the foot of the bed and watched her. He wasn’t shy about where he let his eyes roam. Right between her sticky thighs, over her belly up to her big tits.

“Lay back and spread your legs.”

She wasn’t used to being told what to do during sex. Her husband was the last man she slept with (years ago) and he wasn’t commanding in bed at all. This was all a first for her but it made her feel something she hadn’t really felt before. Being bossed around this way was exciting.

So she did as he said, putting her back on the comforter and hesitantly spreading her legs apart, bending at the knees and putting her feet flat onto the blanket.

She felt the bed shift as Harry climbed up next to her and he put his hands on her shins and looked at her shiny pussy.

His small moan vibrated through his chest as he looked the pretty girl in her eyes, “Can I fuck you? Is that all right?”

Y/n nodded quickly and shot her eyes down to Harry’s cock. She couldn’t believe he was so hard again. But she felt like that was probably somewhat of a compliment, “I don’t have any condoms, um-“

Harry crawled over her, his thighs spreading between hers, causing her legs to part further, “I have some. Are you on birth control?” He grazed his mouth over hers and as he pressed his lips to hers she felt his cock against her pelvis.

Panting her words and rolling her hips upward, “Yes I am.”

Harry’s lips slotted between Y/n’s as he settled his hips against hers, slowly putting himself through her labia to feel her first. Without having to put on a condom. He knew it was necessary but to be able to feel her warm against his skin, wetting it, the hair scratching it…

Y/n gasped when his cockhead nudged at her entrance before he slid up through her crease and it bumped into her clit. It was salacious. Almost as if he were testing the waters to not put on a condom. Her body and her mind were beginning to synch up into lust and want again. He’d just given her an orgasm but she was on her way to that point of no return once again.

And Harry never went without a condom with a one-night stand or a quick weekend fling. Of course, once the relationship was established there was no need but never before had he wanted so badly to enter a woman without really knowing if he could trust her or not. She said she was on birth control but how could he know?

Reluctantly he got off the bed to grab a condom from his suitcase and paused next to the bed to roll it down from his tip to his base.

Y/n watched. He was thick and long. The hair at his base was dark and masculine. He crawled back in between her legs and kissed the insides of her thighs and lapped upward quickly over her pussy one last time for good measure before positioning himself over her with his shaft in his hand, aiming himself at her cunt.

The room was lit with only one lamp and the bed was soft underneath her body. She couldn’t quite believe that she was in that moment, with Harry Styles above her. She hadn’t had sex with anyone since her husband. But here she was, with a man’s cock pressed at her entrance, waiting for her to finally give permission so he could push into her. So he could fuck her. So Harry Styles could fuck her.

Rolling her hips upward slightly and grasping onto his lats, “Please.”

Harry panted out a breath as he fit his cock into her, the initial entry needing a bit of force to squeeze his thick head past the threshold of her tight muscle. She gasped at the widening of her opening. It felt good to have a man poking into her rather than her silicon dildo for once.

She held onto his back for dear life as he doused himself in her. She was soft and thick and tight. It was incredible and warm. His strokes were long, slowly sinking in deeper and deeper with each rock inward.

“How’s that feel?” Harry’s cock was feeling very good, he hoped the noises she was making were a good sign. He thought it was but wanted her to be more vocal.

“Oh my god, Harry… fuck that feels good.” She purred.

Harry put his hands over her tits and continued fucking into her, his thighs giving him leverage for each plunge.

“Yeah? You like that? Tell me what you like, baby. What do you need?”

Her mind went blank as his long dick slicked in and out of her, spreading her, touching her deeply… What did she like? What did she need? It had been so long and never had she needed to vocalize it before.

“You, Harry,” She hissed when he bucked his hips inward, a deep thrust that sent her body surging upward from the force of his drive.

“Me? Oh baby, you have me, can’t you feel that?” His words came out pinched in ecstasy, “But talk to me. What do you like?”

Slowly moving a hand upward to her neck he wrapped his fingers around and squeezed only the slightest as he continued rolling his hips into her. He tweaked one of her nipples with his other hand and she gasped as her lips parted.

“What about this? You like when I do this?” He dug the pads of his fingers into the side of her neck before loosening but keeping his hand over her throat.

She nodded quickly, not expecting to have enjoyed it but she did, “Yes.”

“And this?” Rolling her nipple between his fingers and giving her a good hard jerk of his hips inward she grunted and nodded again.

“Good girl. You like it a little rough then. Let’s see what else we can learn…” he spoke as he gripped her neck solidly, but still giving her space to say no if she needed. He leaned over her, his face directly above, “Open your mouth.”

She complied and parted her lips.

“Tongue out.”

She jutted her pink tongue past her lips and Harry spat down into her mouth and then cooed at her as he watched his saliva drip down her tongue and into her throat, “I can tell you like that too. Is that right? Are you my dirty girl?”

Moaning and feeling her body floating away from her brain she nodded, “I’m your dirty girl.”

Harry sucked in a sharp breath at her words. It was just what he wanted to hear.

“You are, aren’t you? My dirty girl likes getting fucked nice and hard,” he punctuated his statement with a harsh thrust, “Choked, spit on… Fuck baby I think you might just be my favorite girl. What else do you like?”

She was officially stunned and gushing from his words. And his cock too of course. But the way he was talking to her and showing her what she liked made her feel like a new woman. It was an experience she wouldn’t soon forget.

“Aww… poor thing. Having a hard time speaking, dear? Need some help?”

She gurgled a moan and nodded. Her belly was on fire with how deep his cock was. Everything around her was fuzzy.

Suddenly Harry pulled out and grasped her hips, pushing her to roll to her front, “Hands and knees.”

She whined as she pushed herself upward, spreading her legs and pushing her knees and palms into the blanket below.

“Shh, shhh… no need to cry, baby. Daddy’s here.” It was a risk. To say it. To call himself Daddy. But it was his favorite. He loved being called Daddy when he was fucking anyone who was even just a little bit submissive. And Y/n was quite submissive but he had a feeling she didn’t even know it. Based on how confident and cheeky she was when he met her and when she got to his room earlier he knew he had the potential for a brat on his hands but for her to also be a bit submissive? And this pretty? He’d hit the jackpot.

He smacked her bottom, both sides with a solid whack causing her to jump and groan, her head lolling downward as she reared back, her pussy and ass on display for him.

“And you like that too don’t you pretty girl?”

She nodded her head and moved her hips back again, most likely searching for his cock to fit itself back into her but he needed her to start talking a little more.

“I knew you would. But I need to hear your words my lovely little thing. Can you talk to me? Do you want more spankings? Or do you want something else?” He grinned as he squished the plump flesh of her thick bottom, the view something he’d sear into his memory and bring with him on tour until he could have her again. He knew he’d want to see her again after this.

“Fffuck…” she moaned softly. She didn’t know what she wanted. She just wanted whatever he was doing to continue. She was absolutely loving it. And the Daddy thing? She had never called anyone Daddy before. Not even her own dad. It would need to grow on her.

Harry grasped the base of his shaft and dragged his tip through her folds gently, up and down, pressing himself at her center and she pushed back to make him go in but he backed away, smacking her bum again and making her jolt.

“Ah, ah, ah… Tell me, baby. Tell me what you want. I need to hear it from those pretty lips.”

Y/n swallowed as her heart raced and not just from how turned on she was. From nerves. She was surprised by the reaction he was pulling out of her. But she did want a couple of things and there was something in how dominant he was being that made her feel like she needed to comply.

“Fuck me and spank me. Please.”

Harry smiled and slid his cockhead into her folds again, “Yeah? I love it when you say please. Makes me very happy. I’ll give you what you want. But I want something from you too, Y/n.”

Harry watched as his tip parted her shiny crease as he pushed upward, spreading her arousal all around.

When she stayed silent Harry brought his free palm down to her bottom, the smack sounding in the room, “Well aren’t you going to ask what I want?”

She gasped and took a breath, “Sorry. What do you want?” Her words were coming out breathy and light.

“I need you to keep telling me if you like something. And ask me if there’s something else you want. Understood?”

“Yes.” She nodded her head and bit her lip, waiting for him to slip inside again.

Harry removed his palm from her bottom and gathered her hair between his fingers and pulled her head up gently, “Can you guess what else I want? What else makes Daddy really happy?”

Shaking her head and peeping the word no Harry leaned in to speak into her ear, “I just gave you a hint little girl. Let’s see if you can use that brain of yours to figure out what I like.”

Her eyes fluttered at the feel of his breath at the back of her ear and his fingers pulling at her hair. It wasn’t registering to her what he wanted. He gave her a hint?

“Come on… I know you can figure this one out. It’s not that hard. Or are you kind of dumb when my cock is right here, nudging into you? Hmm?” He pushed in the smallest bit, allowing his tip to tuck into her for a moment before bringing it back out.

She whined and licked her lips. It was true that it was hard to think when he was handling her the way he was.

“Sorry. I’m not sure.”

Harry’s dark baritone vibrated off her ear as he spoke, “S’okay. We’ll take our time til you figure it all out. Do you want Daddy’s cock?”

She nodded quickly and Harry chuckled as he spoke, “Yeah? Well then tell me, dear, who’s cock do you want?” He nudged in again, prodding her crease and pushing just into her opening. It was taking all of his resolve not to just hammer into her at that point.

But hearing him say that, it clicked. She knew what he wanted, “Yours, Daddy.”

It felt odd coming out of her mouth. She wasn’t sure if she liked it but the moment he stuffed her again with his large cock she keened and moaned and knew that he deserved to be called Daddy if that’s what he wanted. He gave her what she wanted so she’d give him what he wanted.

“Yes… good girl. I knew you could do it, baby,” Harry spoke through gritted teeth when he sunk in to the hilt. He pulled back and then fucked into her quickly. His pace soon became harsh as he let go of her hair and pounded her from behind. Smacking her bottom with his palm every few strokes her flesh grew red slowly and her moans grew louder.

“Oh! Yess! Ffffuck!” Her body was rocked forward at each strike of his hips into hers. The sound of skin thudding wetly and smacks of his hand to her flesh were loud in the room. 

Harry held onto her hips, squeezing tightly as he gave her bottom a break from the strikes.

“My dick is coated in your cream. Ffuuck little girl. Goddamn best girl I’ve had. Can you rub your sweet little pussy for me? Put your fingers where you need them. Show Daddy you’re a good girl.”

Harry’s deep voice and the sound of his fat cock penetrating her wet hole were egging her on as she brought her hand between her legs to get herself closer to the edge as she rubbed her clit.

His engorged cock twitched when he felt her fingers brush against his balls as he thumped into her over and over again.

She began to see stars as she sputtered inarticulate words. Harry was going in hard but he felt so good inside of her. The way he was holding her hips kept her grounded as his balls whacked into her on each thrust. She could feel how wet his scrotum was from her arousal soaking him.

But then her eyes popped open and her whining and choked moans halted when he released one of her hips and put his fingers over her bum. On her anus. She hadn’t expected it.

Harry slowed his movements as he spoke, “Oh did that surprise you? How am I supposed to keep my hands off your tiny hole here,” he rubbed it as he spoke, still fucking into her deeply but slowly now, “when she’s looking directly up at me all empty and needy?”

She felt liquid drip over her bottom when Harry spit down onto her puckered hole and rub his saliva around, “Can I? Just a finger. It’s going to feel so good.”

Y/n panted and nodded, “Okay.”

Never once had she done anything sexual with her bottom. She’d never played with herself there, nor considered having anyone do it for her either. Her husband had certainly never tried. 

More spit was rubbed over the hole and she felt Harry’s finger slowly push in as she continued rubbing her button and Harry continued filling her cunt with his heavy cock. It felt odd. Not like being fingered in her pussy. A very different sensation but it wasn’t bad. Well, she’d say that it was actually pretty good in combination with everything else.

“Relax for me. Let me make you feel good.” His finger fucked into her ass as he slowly began to increase the tempo of his hips.

“Ahh!” She squeaked out as he dipped into her cervix and she clenched over his cock and his finger at the ache.

“S’okay. M’cock’s getting in there deep, isn’t it? Do you want me to stop?”

Shaking her head she spoke with her words coming out in punches between his thrusts, “Please! Don’t stop! Need you!”

She did need him. Needed him to keep doing what he was doing. Needed his dirty words, his big cock, and his long fingers. She was going to come if he continued.

Harry panted and groaned at what he was seeing and feeling. Not only was she making him feel so good, but watching her pussy being fucked and her ass being fingered was a dream.

He slid his finger in and out gently and he could tell that she was starting to relax a little. A good sign. He’d love to fuck her bottom one day. Get her nice and open and just wreck all of her holes.

Harry’s long, fast strokes into her pussy were devasting her insides. She knew she’d be limping the next day but that thought only excited her.

Applying just the right amount of pressure to her clit as she rubbed, feeling Harry’s finger slipping in and out of her, and with the way his cock was working into her so deep she could no longer stop her body from shaking and her lungs from gasping for air loudly.

Harry felt her walls squeeze and pulse around him as he continued rolling his hips into her steadily, fucking her through her orgasm, her moans and gasps, her fingers at her clit, and her thighs shaking… he smiled as he threw his head back to feel it. To feel her in her orgasm. Her soft insides, wet, and contracting around him.

“Fuck, baby… it’s that good is it?” Harry looked down at the scene below. Absolutely filthy. His wide cock parted her fluttering pussy as it gripped him tight. Her arousal was slathered over him.

As she began to loosen up and he could tell she was done he gently pulled out, both his cock and his finger, “Good girl. Can you lie on your back? I’m almost there. Just need a little more. Want to make you come one more time.”

Y/n gulped and adjusted herself onto her back, “I’m not sure I can come again.”

Harry climbed over her and put his palms over her tits again, “You’ll come again.”

She watched him as he allowed his gaze to look over her body. She really wished he wouldn’t look too closely like he was. She felt a bit embarrassed. Being chubby was always something she contended with for as long as she could remember. As confident as she conveyed herself in her day-to-day, the truth was that once her clothes came off she felt well below average.

Harry gently brushed his fingers along her cheekbone and slowly pushed back in, the front of his thighs pressed into the back of hers.

The feel of him re-entering her was sharp and achy. He’d already done quite a number on her. She was positive she wouldn’t have another orgasm. Impossible.

“I love how you feel. Fuck, baby.”

He angled himself so he was pushing down into her, splitting her pussy and pressing deeply.

“Ahh!” She hadn’t expected the way it would feel when he pushed her hips upward and fucked down into her. It was tight and he was long and it pinched the smallest bit but when she looked at his face she saw ecstasy. He was definitely close.

“So tight isn’t it? Taking me so good, Y/n. Wanna feel you come once more. Just squeezing the fuck out of me again so when I come I can feel you milking me, sucking my dick into your cunt, begging for my come.”

Y/n moaned at the words. It was hot. Harry’s strong body and his roughness, and the way he spoke were so hot.

He moved his hand from her cheek down to her neck and softly squeezed, “It’s so messy down there sweet girl. Just drenching me. Can you hear that?” His question was punctuated by the noises their bodies made together. His lengthy prick pushing into her and dragging back to the tip before impaling her again. Over and over. The slick sounds of his condom coated in her, spreading her open. Her body felt it all. She had been so sensitive after her orgasm and now her insides were aching in delight. The feel of him wide and thick inside and then deep as he dipped all the way in sent zips and currents through her body.

Harry enjoyed the way his body felt inside of her. It was lavish and soft and warm and she was so wet for him, so needy. Her big tits were swaying as he thrust deep and her nipples were peaked. He loved how she looked with his hand over her throat. He wanted to do so much more. Preferred it far rougher but this was their first, and perhaps only time. He didn’t generally enjoy scaring them off on night one. A few rounds on separate occasions and he’d show what he was really into. He hoped this wouldn’t be their last time. He felt like she’d enjoy what he was into. Felt like she might be too. She liked to be choked a little. She called him Daddy even which was making him lose his mind. She’d be into the idea of playing into his breeding kink too he bet.

And that thought sent him so deep into his fantasy he began to feel his orgasm swell into his balls. Just imagining her plush body and wide hips taking him like he needed. He needed to fuck a lot. He normally masturbated about twice a day when he didn’t have someone to come inside of. But when he was in a steady relationship he’d drain his cock all day long when there was time for it.

He could just see Y/n’s cunt dripping with his come and he’d make her lie flat and keep it inside of her so it would soak into her. The idea that she could get pregnant by him. Fill her with his sperm and make her body grow thicker and softer with his babies. Her tits would swell and engorge.

But that was just a fantasy. Now he was fucking so hard and so deep into the hottest woman he’d had in a long time. Her plump hips and soft pussy were begging him for more. Even though she insisted she couldn’t come again, he could already tell she was getting even slicker for him. Her body preparing for her third orgasm. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and her mouth was wide open.

“Y’gonna come for me, little girl. Come on Daddy’s cock. You can do it. I know you can. Can feel you fluttering around me already. So needy for more aren’t you?”

The words she wanted to say were yes and don’t stop, please! But instead, she gurgled and choked her moans when his pelvis rubbed over hers, offering her clit the friction needed. A few more of his harsh strokes and the way their bodies connected, rubbing and pushing into one another had her button being worked just like she wanted.

Harry coughed out a laugh but then groaned when he felt her begin to shake, “Oh, baby. Ffuck… thought you said you couldn’t come again? Hm? Look at that…” his strokes were long and deep as he felt her body give way to another orgasm. Her spasming cunt squeezed his cock deliciously and Harry pumped himself into her so she could come properly while getting railed and having her clit stimulated all at once.

And just as she was beginning to relax Harry finally released. He choked out a moan and stilled his hips, pushing in so his cockhead was pressing deep into her, wishing he was coating her insides, filling her with her sperm. But as it was, this was not bad either. In fact, even with the stupid condom, it was really good. The best. He hissed as his cock throbbed inside of her, his long dick pumping his come out to the tip and into the condom.

She felt him twitching inside of her as his orgasm shot through his cock. He was a glorious sight to behold above her. His panted breaths and mouth dropped open as ecstasy took over his features. Her pussy was doing that to him. It made her smile as he stilled his hips and let out a low rumble. She did that to him. She’d made him come twice in one night. She made Harry Styles have two orgasms and he gave her three. Unheard of. Absolutely insane.

Her chest was still rising and falling heavily as Harry opened his eyes and looked down at her. She felt it, the way he looked at her. How connected they were. This wasn’t just sex. Or maybe it was, she really wouldn’t know because she’d been out of the game for some time. Perhaps this was just how he was with everyone he fucked. Made them dreamy and drowsy and feel things deeply for him. His charm was off the charts. Perhaps it was just that. Maybe nothing more.

Harry leaned down kissed the edge of her mouth and then pressed his lips firmly over hers, his cock still half-hard inside of her. He could get used to this. She was so open with him and somehow they just worked together. And even though this was all physical, Harry couldn’t help but wonder if this connection went beyond the physical. He did like her. A lot. Already. But that was how he was. He’d fall in love and then fall out of it just as quickly. He had to be careful. Not to hurt himself. Not to hurt her. He gazed down at her with a tired smile.

“Stay the night. Want you again in the morning. Would like to have you here with me in bed. Keep me warm.”

She swallowed and her heart thrashed in her chest. He was too good. This man could make anyone fall in love. She knew it. But she wasn’t going to say no. She likely would never have the chance with him again. And if the following morning was anything like what had just happened, well, she quickly found herself nodding, “Yes. Okay.”

. . .

She felt her thighs tingling and her hips were aching when she squinted her eyes open. She couldn’t read the clock on the table next to the bed. Her vision was blurry but the sun was peeking through the cracks of the curtains. It was morning. And the only reason she’d woken up was because Harry was lying behind her. He was moving the slightest with his chest pressed against her back and his breath on her neck.

She lifted her head and Harry perked up when he realized she was awake, “Good thing you’re awake. Was getting lonely here,” he spoke as he softly grazed his hand up over her tummy and then indulgently squeezed at her breast.

She swallowed and croaked out her words, “I would have slept longer I think.”

“You can go back to sleep if you really want,” he suddenly shifted and rutted into her bottom and it was then that she felt his stiff cock pressing into her. She wasn’t sure she was ready for more of him, “Um… I’m a little sore-“

“Yeah? Did I go too hard for you last night?” Harry continued pushing his cock into her cheeks. They were both naked so the sensation of his warm, big, prick pushing into her plump flesh was quite salacious.

“I actually loved it. Never thought I’d like anything like that…”

“Mmm… loved it you say? And you’re sure you’re too sore for one more? I can go in gently and make you come again. One more for the road?”  He kissed her neck as he continued humping her. His cock was already leaking he was so hard for her, so needy for her pussy again.

Harry was quite convincing. And she was already getting turned on by the way he was pressing into her and kissing her neck. And he wanted her again?

“Well, if you can be gentle then I think I’d like that.”

Harry smiled into her neck and massaged her breast in gratitude before bringing his hand down to her hip and pulling at her so he could see her pussy lips peeking out between the back of her thighs when he backed up just a bit and stroked his cock through her soft labia.

“You’re already wet for me, baby. So needy for Daddy’s cock even when she’s sore. Gonna take good care of you okay?”

Pressing his tip to her entrance he groaned when he realized he needed a condom. He felt like soon enough, if she wanted to stick around, they’d forgo the safety measure. He wanted so badly to fuck her raw but it was too soon, “Fuck. I need to grab a condom. Stay right here.”

Harry was back behind her in only a handful of moments. She’d already begun rubbing her clit in preparation for him. She wanted to make sure she was fully aroused and ready for his wide cock.

“Good girl. Keep rubbing yourself like that. See how juicy you are already? Perfect…” he nearly purred as he pushed into her tight muscle. It was especially taut as he snapped forward and his wide crown finally popped into her. Once he had the swollen tip inside of her he pushed in until he was met with a bit of resistance. She was extra sensitive and snug but the sensation was incredible as her soft walls squeezed around him, the deeper he got the tighter it felt.

He was slow and gentle just like he said he’d be. He massaged her tit and kissed her neck and her jaw as he slowly rolled his hips into her.

“S’like fucking an angel. Your pussy is so goddamn perfect, baby. M’obessessed. Your body,” he pinched her nipple, “your tits, your lips,” each part he commented on he fucked inward with a slightly harder push, just to make his point as he lowered his hand down the curve of her waist to her hip, “your fine ass. All so perfect.”

Y/n breathed his words in as his cock drove into her deep, filling her so fully and perfectly. Those things had never been said to her before. Not in that way. She slipped her fingers back and forth over her clit and the tips of her fingers were grazing his cock as he fucked into her slowly, deeply. Everything was wet and perfect. He was right. This did feel perfect. Felt better than any other fucking ever. Harry was so good in bed. He hit all her spots (mentally and physically).

“I need it. Harry, I need it so bad,” she surprised herself as she moaned the words.

But suddenly Harry stopped, pushing his cock as deep as it could get and he grabbed her chin and turned her head so she could see him from her peripheral, “Call me Daddy when I’m fucking you. Be a good girl and I’ll let you come again.”

Why did she find that so hot? So fucking appealing? She had no idea. It was like something had been turned on inside of her that she had no clue was lying there beneath the surface. Maybe it was just Harry. But whatever it was she’d be fantasizing about this and needing this dominance in bed from any future partners.

“Sorry. Yes, Daddy. I’ll be a good girl.”

Harry groaned and released her chin and began to pump into her plump folds and she sped up her fingers as he spoke into her ear, “Say it again. Say you need me.”

She swallowed and her face was boiling hot as Harry’s long cock pressed into her guts and then backed out, punching her walls apart with each plunge, “I… fuck… yesss! I need you, Daddy. Please…”

Harry choked out a groan and smacked her bottom, “God I’m gonna imagine those words coming from your mouth every night. Say it again. Louder. Come on baby…”

Her voice was shaky like her thighs as her brain began to unravel and her orgasm started to spring out from her center, “I need you, Daddy! I’m your good girl!” She moaned as loudly as possible and Harry smiled with his cock happily coated in her.

Just then a knock came to the door, “Mr. Styles?” Someone spoke from behind the wood.

“Fuck,” Harry spoke lowly. He never stopped rolling his hips into hers as he shouted, “I’m busy!”

“Sorry to bother you. But we’ve been trying to call you all morning. We have a package delivery for you from the Secrist Gallery. Shall we just leave it out here?”

Everything paused. Y/n craned her neck to look at Harry and when their eyes met she saw his dark pupils and wet pink lips, messy hair. He was an angel, grinning at her, “Just leave it out there. I’ll be out soon.”

“Secrist Gallery? Did you-“

Harry pushed his mouth to hers and began to thrust again, speaking against her lips, “Keep rubbing that pussy for Daddy. It’s time to come. Need you to come.”

Her half-melted brain complied and as Harry increased his pace their bodies began to slap together, wet noises coming from them on each stroke. Harry kept his tongue in her mouth and his fingers pinching her nipple as they writhed together.

She felt him slicing into her, his cock suddenly harder than steel inside of her and her fingers slippery over her clit. He was shaking, holding back his release and his kisses became sloppy, wet, wide-open-mouthed, tongue all over her lips and inside of her mouth.

She inhaled sharply when the dam broke. She moaned into his mouth and he moaned into hers as they both came at the same time, she pushed against him to get him deeper inside and he stuffed himself into the hilt, his balls thick and bursting tucked up against her as he spilled into his condom. Her vision went dark and her ears began to ring as Harry continued to kiss her, lick her, suck the life out of her.

It was insane how hard she came. She had never had a man so effortlessly work her up and make her come like Harry had. Wave after wave of electricity zipped through her body as she pulsed and sucked his cock in, gripping around him.

Eventually, they stopped moving and began to breathe again. Heavy pants and soft coos fell from their lips. The afterglow was incredible. Harry hadn’t felt it like that before. And he hated that he had to leave. That he needed to send her off and go away to his next destination.

When her brain began to fit itself back together inside of her skull she turned again to look at him as he slid out, “Did you buy a painting? Of mine?”

Harry rolled onto his back and smirked at her, “I did.”

She laughed and smacked his chest, “Which one? Why didn’t you say anything? How did you do it? I didn’t see you at the gallery.”

Harry sat up and pulled at Y/n’s arm, needing her closer, “I had one of my assistants go and take a photo of each one. I picked the one I liked the most. You named the piece The Lonely Dark. Love it. I loved a lot of them. But figured for now just one will do since I’ve got to have it shipped to LA.

The Lonely Dark. A sort of nod to her husband. What had been and the way she felt at night when she was alone with no one. She swallowed and Harry kissed her cheek, “Is it okay that I bought one? Is that weird?”

Y/n laughed and shook her head, “No. I’m flattered that Harry Styles wanted to buy a painting of mine. I’m gonna tell everyone that you own one of my pieces now.”

“Yeah? Maybe I’ll invite you to my house in LA when I get back to the States after the next leg of my tour so you can see where I’ve hung it.”

She pushed at him in jest, “Yeah right. Don’t tease. You don’t actually want me at your private home.”

Harry grabbed her hand and brought it up to his chest with a frown on his face, “Why wouldn’t I?”

Shaking her head she blinked her eyes, “Because. You’re Harry Styles. I’m some girl from the Midwest who paints. I’m just saying, don’t say things like that when you don’t mean it.”

“But I meant it. I really like you, Y/n. I want to see you again.”

It was unexpected. She didn’t imagine he’d actually be inviting her to his home or telling her he wanted to see her again. But she was so stunned by his admission that she couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Well then you’re gonna need to give me your number.”

 Chapter 2

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[imagined-rubbermen]

There's a lot that no one ever tells you about acclimating to becoming a rubber drone. Granted, everyone that used the Dronification Kit can't really talk about it, and most of them won't communicate just because their "master" forbids, or something. The lack of needs wasn't hard to get used to, if anything that's a lot of worries off my back. But no breathing? No talking? The lack of bodily functions felt alien. At least I could still see and hear, even if I lacked the body parts to do so. But my hearing and vision was so clear, so crisp, that it was overwhelming. The combined sensory deprivation and amplification was a lot to handle, so I did what usually helps me; I took a walk.

It was raining that night, and the rain kinda helped calm me down. I could differentiate each droplet hitting my new rubber skin, and it drowned out my anxiety. The increased sensitivity was a godsend now, and I savoured it. As I walked, my movements became more simplified, rigid, focused, yet flexible, softer, pliable. I assumed that's my flesh and bone turning into rubber now. The ideas in my mind about how to use my new body made me feel like my blood was pumping, even if I lacked such.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom to dry off. However, the rain made me so smooth, I got a little carried away. I relaxed and felt myself up right on the spot. I rubbed myself all over, my tightly defined chest, my smooth helmet like face, even my crotch. That last one was the biggest surprise, I didn't have anything down there. No shaft, no balls, no anus. There was a weird lock imprint on my bulge, but other than that, I really liked it. I knew I'd love being a featureless rubber drone.

Eventually I felt the sensation of climaxing; the rush, the release, the exhaustion, but I didn't come. After all, I didn't need human anatomy to pleasure myself. The best part? It took almost no time at all for my new rubbery, smooth, elastic body was ready for round two, and I went again, my body squeaking alone on the bathroom floor. After climaxing again, I let myself fall asleep on the bathroom floor.

It's weird now, my life that is. So many people think I have a "master" or an "owner" but instead I'm the master of my life. I'm made of rubber now, and if anyone gives me any issues, they can barely hurt me, while I show them what I can do. Now I have complete control of myself, my emotions, my body, my life. My libido is ready to fire on all cylinders whenever, and I can feel myself for hours sometimes, and can easily stop. I was like a machine, although I kinda am.

Of course, I saw an opportunity, and sometimes sell my "services" to lonely men that need that sexual satisfaction of an object. Of course they know I'm in charge, and getting into a fight with a rubber drone is not something I'd advise (although some of those guys really liked it, so what do I know?). I'll let them play with me. Some guys like to smell and lick me, like how I would play with rubber drones before I became one. Some guys would try to fuck me, although without any orifices, their shafts rubbed against me until they came. A few beat me, which I kinda liked, probably cause my rubber body would bend and twist with ease.

Mainly though I've found myself being kind of a therapist, letting men air out their emotions out. Sure, a few were still in the closet, and few were still a virgin. For those men, I went the extra mile. Of others, they'd just talk. I guess being a gay man can be isolating at times, like how almost no rubber drone I met seems to be independent. Unsurprisingly, being made of rubber meant I was comfortable to hug and cuddle, and in those moments, being a rubber drone is really worth it.

From that, my life is perfect now. The strangest thing is that I don't need clothing anymore. My body is so featureless that I don't feel naked, like my rubber skin is a suit anyways. Even when I do wear clothes I tend to mainly wear plain, oversized clothes, mostly gym stuff. However, sometimes at night I'll walk alone in the nude, just me and the night air. And when it rains like that first night I was a drone, it's so... Perfect...

It's not for everyone, maybe not even you. But if you still want to experience it, I'd suggest a gimp suit first before getting a Dronification Kit. Or if you just wanna find out what a rubber drone is like, I'm $50 hour.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

Sir Pentious Redesign! (2/7)

It took way longer than expected to get this guy out but I think it was worth it!

Going to start off with the biggest gripe that Vivzie never makes characters look like their respective eras or set times. For Sir Pentious finding out hes OLDER than alastor made my jaw drop to the goddamn floor. While I was inspired by fashion from 1888, I mostly wanted him to have a steampunk-ish vibe and give him some things from times different than when he died. I guess I’m a bit guilty of making him look like he’s from a different era but he still doesn’t look modern I guess?

I took a big chunk of inspiration from the King Cobra for his colours and scales but I think leaving the type of snake he is a little ambiguous is more flexible.

Things like the green in his eyes and vest and gloves are once again my usage of the sin colour wheel I go crazy about. Sir Pentious is a very envious person in the show to an extent and definitely is in my rewrite. I also kind of wanted him to look like an opposite to Angel Dust with all his pink because inverted colours yknow. Seeing as they eventually become friends and all that in my rewrite I’d like for them to look nice together!

The brown is also a lot easier on my eyes than the black and red and yellow was so I’m pretty happy with that too. I was very attached to his goggles though so he gets those and the little extra magnifying bits for designing

I think I’ll eventually end up adding more to this post later on but for now this is what I’ve got so far! I love this funny british snake and I plan to get the next redesign out much sooner… hopefully. 🧹

[redbeanbunsworld-if]

"Daily" Update

Man, I was so busy this week that it's a bit crazy. I mean, aside from those artworks and multiple variations of The Reprieve (seriously judging my life choices). Anyway, Chapter 3 is coming along well. 🙈🙈My heart hurts so much omg. The shit that goes down in Chapter 3 Route 2 is insane. I will give you guys a little...sneak peek next time.

Tears of Tianchao

Chapter 3 is coming along well. To be fair, I have an easier time writing Route 1 compared to Route 2. My current max word count goal is 150k (75k per route), and I honestly hope I can keep to it. Chapter 2 went 30k over the set limit, and it was a bit crazy. It isn't because I don't know what I want to write, but rather, I have to remind myself that this isn't a novel in the end and that I can be more flexible with the word count, which in itself gave me the liberty to write extra things. Still, I would like the number of chapters that I have planned to come to fruition without a shitton of words overshadowing it. I know that there are IFs out there with 200k chapters, and honestly, great for them. But damn, I'm a bit stupid, so...I am aiming for maximum, MAXIMUM, 1 million for the entire IF. I mean, if it goes over that...it is what it is.

As the Green Willow Wilts

I mean, nothing to say, to be fair. It's almost done.

Midnights of the Drowsy Owl

I mean...it'll come along eventually.

Personal life update

I have to come clear about something. I know that I'm a bit private and don't really bring personal information or thoughts as much as possible into the blog. Still, I think it's right for me to do so, and I would like to share what's been on my mind. Of course, no need to read it. <3

Honestly, last year was a difficult time in my life, and I left writing altogether. Tears of Tianchao wasn't even my main project (the only public one, though), so I am truly grateful to everyone who stuck around. I know that it's also unrealistic for me to wait for people to come back, just as you guys believed it was unrealistic to expect me to do this regularly. But I definitely want to give this a great ending, considering that this is more than a game to me, and that it's history and a huge part of a world that I created in the past. So, with the personal expectation, and the desire to connect with you guys over this silly little story, I will make sure to give you guys a story worth thinking over (and maybe a bit of angst, just a bit eheh).

Thank you for all the support and love you've given me, guys. I know I'm not really very open on anything personal from my end, but I hope you know how grateful I am for the support I receive. <3<3<3

[bluegekk0]

That fluffy hyena post made me think of how Grimm got more and more fluffy over time. Of course this is just me changing his design, but I like to think there's an in-universe reason for it.

His fur grows, it needs to be trimmed every now and then. What if, similarly to how FPK stopped worrying about appearances over time, he decided to just let it grow and only trim it when it starts getting in the way? Perhaps he noticed how much FPK loves burying his face in it, so he thought he would enjoy if there was more of it?

But what if he didn't even need to modify it to be fluffier between rituals, what if Hallownest's cold climate influences its growth? Of course, he doesn't actually need more fluff to keep warm, his body is like a walking furnace. I'm not sure how him having a "winter coat gene" would even work, but it's fun to imagine.

Though I think what's more likely is that he just lets it grow much longer. His Nightmare King form shows that he can be very fluffy, and you can see it in his children as well - their fluff covers most of their bodies, and so they end up looking a lot more like his godly self compared to his physical body. But in the case of his physical form, it doesn't grow on his torso, so he overall loses that fluffiness.

Speaking of that torso, I imagine he made it like this for no other reason but appearance. Before he settled down with FPK, he particularly cared about his looks - being attractive meant that he would find casual partners, which he needed to satisfy his needs. With how prevalent shells are in many bug species he met, a shiny body was seen as especially attractive. Though it's worth noting that his torso isn't actually all hard-shell - the back is, particularly the spine sail, but it gets softer as you move towards the front, so his chest and stomach are far softer and more flexible. With proper maintenance it smooth and shiny, and that made him more desirable.

He still maintains it now, despite the previous reason seeming a tad desperate, he does genuinely like how he looks, and so it's for himself more than anything. He also quite likes the fluffier appearance, especially his fluffy neck and butt, and finds styling it in the morning very enjoyable (the sight of FPK's clearly distracted eyes reacting to the extra volume in his fluffy bottom is a nice bonus).

And yeah there's no explanation for the tail, I just pretend it's always been there. I hate looking at older art where he has no tail, it looks so awkward. Funny thing is, I did intend to give him a tail a while back, but it was more like a stubby lizard tail with spikes on it, I ended up scrapping it because it looked weird. But with his design getting fluffier, a more mammalian tail was a natural conclusion. Though it does make me want to redraw a lot of older art and include it there...

[luxshine]

Lemme tell you a bit of the best buy I made for my art last year.

First, this is NOT a sponsored post. This is honestly from the bottom of my heart, because I didn't think this would help me at first, and a month later? I have 100% changed my mind.

See, you probably have seen the ads on face or other social media about the Body-kun and Body-chan figures for artists. They are fully articulated manequins you can pose however you want, and have a variety of hands and accessories that come with them. In the box, they look like this:

(This one in specific is the Sport Deluxe Set. I am not sure you can still get the original normal version, as Tamashii nation makes them in limited quantities and I haven't seen anywhere that sells the original ORIGINAL one anymore)

Now, this is VERY important, I said the ORIGINAL one because there are a TON of bootlegs going around. And I mean a TON. It's so bad that the first site you get when you google Body-kun and Body-chan (the female) is one for Bootlegs (usually announcing a 50% sale, where each figure is about $30 dlls or so.

Now, at first glance, the bootleg and the original look very similar. In fact, years ago, I had bought a bootleg thinking it was an original and boy, I was disappointed!

First, Bootleg-kun is far less flexible than Original-kun as you can see in the pic (I have no idea where his base dissappeared to, but he came with one). But also, the plastic it is made of is SO CHEAP that the hands became... impossible to remove an put again (as you're supposed to be able to) and in fact, Bootleg-chan just, lost her left hand articulation one day. I have a one-hand girl.

For more comparisons: These are my two first Originals (the girl is the "Birdie-wing" golfer edition... more on that later)

While these are the two bootlegs (Chan is holding her arm like that because, it also went off)

And again, you can see here how much more natural the Original can move:

Sports Edition even comes with balls and bats and a baseball glove!

While golfer chan Has two extra legs so you can make her kneel even more.

You can use them digitally, taking pictures and then tracing your skeleton over them Or traditionally, using them as models, which is what I do.

And I loved them SO MUCH, that I had to get other two (mostly because although bootleg kun helped for couple poses, his limited flexibility didn't allow for much variation.

Only that this time, I got the "normal" Sport edition girl, whom I call the gymnast. (the boy version is the same as before)

And once again, you can see the difference! The gymnast is more buff, and has more articulations, which makes her more flexible (Although for some reason? Not as flexible as the boys)

But the best part? The gymnast comes with extra FEET. More specifically, ICE SKATE wearing feet!

anyway, the point of all this is that thanks to being able to both visualize AND touch how the body parts move, I can now be a lot more confident on my poses and so this:

Becomes this:

Too long didn't read version: Do get a Body kun and a body chan (Or two body kuns or two body chans if you do Slash or femslash) But if you do? AVOID the bootlegs! The extra money is worth it so you can do EVERYTHING you want with your figures. Check on the site that they are TAMASHII NATIONS brand! (and if you want, I can show more WIPS from the pose of the dolls to the final product here!)

[saucylittlesmile]

I only started watching ice dance after the move to the +5 GOE system - can you share what you mean (I know it was tongue in cheek!) by tech used to mean something?

Oh boy, let’s see if I’ve got it in me to give the kind of long and in-depth answer that I used to without getting too sidetracked lol.

To start off, let me say I think that the ISU is very happy with this turn of events - it’s a return to the shady dealings of the 6.0 with the aura of legitimacy of CoP.

Naturally, my expertise mostly comes from the VM era, which was entirely before the +5/-5 era. While the current shenanigans in ice dance cannot be completely attributed to the change in GOE, it is probably the most obvious and egregious component.

The ISU started the process of dumbing down the tech with slowly removing the compulsory dance, lessening the number of difficult steps and turns in some step sequences, reducing the number of lifts, and increasing the number of ‘choreographic’ elements (which have some basic rules and requirements but overall are based on the judge’s decisions as to what they like).

They also reduced the worth of earning a level - not the literal value, as that can change from season to season and does not matter when comparing across competitions, but between teams at the same competition, whose results could be determined by small increments. For example, a level 4 step sequence used to have a base value of 8.00, and a level 3 was a base value of 6.50 - 1.50 points difference. Now (using Worlds 2023), a base value level 4 step sequence is 8.96 and a true level 3 is 8.20 - only 0.76 points!

Not only has that important earned level been reduced in points, it used to be that both members of the team had to achieve a level 4 to get rewarded a level 4. Now, with each skater being evaluated individually, the point differential can be lessened even more if one of them achieves a higher level.

A 1.5 point base value difference between teams used to be a death knell, if they were considered to be teams fairly equal otherwise in a competition. There was simply no way to make up that deficit, and so it was crucial to be achieving the highest level on every element, to be technically impeccable.

Watching the slow motion fall of the technical side of ice dance was difficult. Watching the ISU create the +5/-5 GOE for the sport on the whole, with no regard for how it would affect ice dance, was downright painful.

In theory, singles and pairs can increase their difficulty to achieve a higher score. Of course, they are still at the mercy of what points their element is worth, but they still have the option. Ice dance, on the other hand is limited by levels - no matter how difficult an element is, they cannot increase their scores beyond a level 4. The GOE descriptions do not give extra for ‘hey that was so hard!’. Teams can get the same, or even more points for elements that just barely fulfill the requirements but are pretty and smooth and fast, as teams that stretch the imagination of what can happen while still following the rules, with great feats of strength or balance or flexibility or edges. It really does not make any difference in the points earned. Twizzles do not earn more points if they do a different edge or more revolutions - they simply fulfill level 4 requirements, or they don’t.

Being hemmed in by technical point restrictions and in which even the difference between levels is minimal, means that the judges’ GOE and PCS is almost the sole deciding factor in any event. The judges may have bullet points for the categories as to what is acceptable, but they also have an incredible amount of leeway and face little to no repercussions to hiking up their points for whatever team or country they want, and the +5/-5 GOE makes it achievable.

One of the reasons I answered this now was the results of the GPF 2023. With the understanding that I have not watched the competition and can’t speak to the details, the points speak for themselves. In particular, the top two teams were deemed to have the same technical content in the free dance. But, the sixth place team was also said to have that same technical content. The base value was the same. And yet, on the basis of GOE and PCS, all from the judges, rather than being in contention for a medal, the sixth place team was deemed to be more than 11 points behind silver. Even taking out PCS (which here was significant) there was still 6.34 points between silver and sixth place - that is over six points in GOE alone and rendered their technical accomplishments moot

To give some comparison, look at Skate Canada 2016. VM lost the FD to Chock/Bates, and almost entirely on lost levels. They had identical levels except for one step sequence and their twizzles. Overall, the judges gave the GOE edge to VM - they beat CB in every element for GOE except for one choreographic element in which they tied, and in the twizzles. (They even had higher GOE on their lower level step sequence, though factoring the level and GOE together gave them fewer points.) VM beat CB soundly in PCS (+2 points!). The overall GOE was simply not enough to make up for amount of points they lost by losing those levels.

VM had the advantage in almost every way. And they still lost the FD, because they had a twizzle error, and a single missed edge or turn in one step sequence.

And that is what I mean by tech used to mean something.

tl;dr - the ISU has created an ice dance world in which the Chosen Team will do very well and it doesn’t matter if they can’t skate.

[disabilityreminders]

Here’s a post I wrote on some tips to help with hygiene care.

Remember that not being able to take care of your hygiene does not affect your worth! You are still worthy, even when you aren’t able to do the things you need/want to do.

If you don’t want to open an external link, I’ve pasted this post below the read more!

If the acts of having a shower, brushing your teeth or washing your face seem extra daunting, draining or just outright impossible sometimes, you are not alone.

There are no magic fixes, but here are some tips that might be useful to you.

Brushing Your Teeth

Brushing your teeth may seem like it will take far more energy than you can even imagine having in the moment! And that’s so valid. The thing to remember is that it is usually better to ditch the regular “rules” and do what is manageable than to just do nothing. Some things that help me:

Keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste in the shower. I find it so much easier to brush my teeth while I’m already in the shower with the water running.

Brushing for 30 seconds is better than for no time at all! You don’t have to do the entire two minutes. When I’m not able to brush for two minutes, I just start by brushing at all and seeing how long I can manage.

If you can afford it, an electric toothbrush can help.

You can brush your teeth with water! No, really. It does more for your teeth than not brushing at all. Dampen your toothbrush with a bit of water and brush your teeth if you think you can do that!

For those who don’t like flossing, the disposable floss sticks might help! You don’t need to measure out the floss and twist it like you do the regular floss.

If you have someone at home willing to help you, you can get their assistance! For some people, the act of getting the toothbrush ready is the exhausting part, maybe there's someone that will do all the before steps for you and then just put the toothbrush into your hand so you can just focus on brushing.

Having a Shower

I don’t know about you, but having a shower is the most daunting task there is for me. It is so exhausting to even think about. Here are some ideas to make it easier.

Prepare for the After

For me, it’s what happens after the shower that is draining. It makes it a bit easier for me to get my clothes ready, have my towel laid out, and anything else I need.

Have Products you Love

There are so many different scented soaps, body washes, shampoos and other products for the bath and shower these days. I have found that my favourite smelling body wash is so nice, and there’s a part of me that wants to shower just to use it.

Don’t Focus on Washing Yourself.

This sounds weird, but hear me out a bit. Focusing on it as a task we have to do may make it more exhausting. It might sound silly, but for me, I imagine the shower is a waterfall or rain that is “washing away” some of my bad thoughts, feelings and helping me lighten the load. I focus on turning it into a calm experience.

You can also just focus on standing in the water, and not actually washing yourself. It will clean you more than not showering at all, and is likely to help you feel more clean!

If Showering is Made More Difficult By Physical Issues

Some of us find chronic pain, issues with flexibility or other physical limitations can make showering difficult. This might be because it is hard to stay standing long enough for a full shower or because you have a hard time reaching certain parts of your body, just to name two of the many possible issues you might have.

If this is the case, there are a lot of potential aids and tools that might help you. For instance, shower stools are a really great tool. Sitting may seem less painful and less draining than standing. Long-handled shower brushes also exist and can help if you struggle with flexibility. A detachable shower head may be more accessible for you to use if you don’t have one already.

Washing your Face

Some of us have a detailed facial care routine. These sorts of routines may include several products specifically made for cleaning the face or a whole process for moisturising. We may believe these routines are absolutely necessary to keep our faces healthy. These can seem even more necessary and become even more intense if we regularly wear makeup.

While these routines may be very good for our skin, they also may seem draining and daunting, especially on mornings when we feel like we barely have the energy to get out of bed or nights when we aren’t sure how we’re still awake.

If you don’t have the energy for your full facial care routine, that’s okay. If you can figure out a few steps that are the most important and seem more doable for you, try limiting yourself to those on your low-energy days. If even that seems like too much, it’s okay to drop the process completely and just wash your face with a cleanser and a cloth, or even just water. There are also pre-done facial wipes that you can quickly use to cleanse your face.

Doing something is better than doing nothing, and you might be surprised by how it helps you feel cleaner and better to just splash water on your face, even without doing anything more.

(Also, it's completely valid to just take a damp cloth to wipe your face. You'd be amazed at how much that can help!)

Tips for All of the Above

Seek Support

For me, sometimes I call a friend and stay on the phone with them until I actually get in the shower. This can help in the “pre shower” ritual and make it seem less intimidating. I have also kept a friend on the phone while I brushed my teeth and washed my face.

An alternative is that sometimes I find a friend who also finds the act of showering or brushing their teeth super draining, and we make a pact to do it at the same time and then we text each other when it’s time and both go do what we need to do. We then come back and text each other and tell each other “good job!” This works like an accountability buddy and it makes me feel more motivated and less lonely.

Play Some Music

I find that playing music helps, especially if it’s music that makes me feel a bit pumped up. Something with a good beat might work well to time with brushing of your teeth or wiping of your face. There are bluetooth speakers and headphones that are shower friendly as well!

Focus on One Step at a Time

I find the whole idea of showering and/or brushing my teeth exhausting. There are so many steps to showering, such as getting undressed, getting the water on, washing my hair, and so on... I find that sometimes it can help to just focus on one step at a time and not the whole picture. What do I need to do first? For me, I need to turn the water on because it takes a few minutes to heat up. So I’ll focus on one thing at that moment, just turning the water on. That’s all I have to do. And then I go from there and see if I can work my way through the steps without looking at the “big” picture.

Alternatives to Help Feel Clean

Some days, we just can’t do it. And that’s okay! Here are some alternatives to help you feel clean:

Wash your face

Brush your hair

Use dry shampoo

Use body lotion

Change your clothes

Get some baby wipes or other wipes to use

Have a bath! (You can use a bath bomb, bubble bath, or something similar to make it feel pampering instead of like a task. When taking a bath it is much easier to put on an audio book, or even a show to keep you occupied).

Use some mouth wash

Remember that not being able to take care of your hygiene does not affect your worth! You are still worthy, even when you aren’t able to do the things you need/want to do.

If you have any tips, please feel free to share!

[etherfabric]

woah! free readings from you are a dream come true, thank you! ☺ can I join please? If yes, any advice would be really appreciated and I would like to leave to you too when it comes to the deck

thank you very much for your time and energy! I appreciate 🌷

I am very flattered by your message. :3

You were the first person ever sending me one! I remember.

For your reading, I chose the Thoth Tarot deck, and 4 cards jumped out:

10 of Disks, Art, Queen of Disks, 9 of Cups

This spread includes two of my favorite cards, Art (Crowley gave Temperance this new name) and the Queen of Disks.

This reads to me like a reminder to enjoy everything you already have. The fulfillment you are looking for is not found in striving for the next best thing, it's becoming still and receptive enough to let your abundant present reach and touch you with all its inherent blessings. You worked hard for what you have, but switching out of that "achiever" mindset into a "receiver" mindset is the last step between you and bliss.

This probably won't happen instantaneously (or maybe it does, sometimes it works like that), so start with something you already have a pretty good connection with to tap into that energy of "I already have so much", and build from there. Maybe paying close attention to a friend's face when they are talking, or intentionally spending time with your pet. Maybe it's that pair of pants that always makes you feel best when you wear them, and you think back on where you got them, really pay attention to how the fabric feels. Be intentionally grateful for having a bed to lie in. Everything you would miss if it were gone tomorrow.

Or to get very basic - tune into your body.

This vessel through which everything you know about life on Earth is even perceivable to you. All your sensations, thoughts, emotions have their origin right here. Something that really helps me loving my body in a fair, non-tainted-by-capitalism way is thinking of it in the same silently appreciative way like I think of a tree. Home of many tiny organisms, giving them life without even trying, even after my death. Wrinkles, pimples and bumps on my skin are the texture of bark, they make it interesting and rich of tactile feedback when I touch it. My hair has many forms and states, just like leaves and moss. It can speak of which season I am in. I can listen to what it sounds like in my hands. My fat and bones form a whimsical trunk housing my nutrients, and flexible branches that reach for what I need to live. Nature made all of this with a purpose in mind that goes far beyond arbitrary optical standards. I am a manifestation of life itself.

I see a great opportunity for growth: De-shaming the concept of actively being proud of yourself. Being your own fan. Daring to be on your side. Being a detective on your own case of loveability. You think you are just two compliments away from being a raging narcisisst, so you rather humble yourself routinely, for the world's sake, to not have one more asshole walking among us. ...Not to get too personal, but you are way off with that estimation. This is an excuse to not face your abysmal sense of self worth. It feels icky not being good at something, especially when it feels as wrong as complimenting yourself, but the cards say you have so much to choose from. There is so much already there waiting to be seen by you, that will make it much easier for you to understand why you are great, capable and loveable, and deserve to see yourself that way everyday, like second nature, no biggie, of course I'm awesome.

The best part: You don't have to do anything new or extra, just find new combinations of thoughts, emotions, actions that are already in your repertoire. Mix and match until it clicks. You got this.

This was a lovely reading to tap into. I hope it resonated, I would love to hear about it.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Finished work today. Friday night, get to go home and not immediately start calculating how many hours I have to cook and eat and wash dishes and shower and then get some extra time by myself before I have to go to bed early enough to not be exhausted and miserable the next day. Excited to not have to do that. Get home, my roommate and best friend of 20 years suggests we go have dinner at the pub around the corner. A mutual friend I haven’t seen in months wants to join us later. I am trying to have a social life again and excited about seeing this friend so I go out.

Get to the pub. Eat food. First hour of dinner is spent with my roommate telling me about the meetings he’s been having with the top sports execs in the country this week, to make plans for the athlete from our team who’s trying to qualify for the Olympics. My roommate is flying to Turkey in May to coach her at a qualifier. I am genuinely, incredibly excited for him. And for her. For the team. They’re bringing in the top coaches and athletes from all over the country to work with our team.

We finish food and he runs out of stories and orders his third pint and I’m just drinking water, and he asks me what my updates are on my life, and I am suddenly hit with how incredibly depressing it feels that I have no updates. I have a trip to Britain in the summer that is the only thing on my calendar and I am so so looking forward to that but I don’t have anything between now and then. Don’t have anything from this week. Every day I got home from work planning to go for a run and then was too tired from the long hours so I didn’t. He asked me if I’ve seen any comedy nights lately (which he is not remotely interested in – earlier in my comedy obsession I spent more time telling him about the comedy stuff, but I’ve stopped doing that as it is very much not a shared interest, I pretty much made this Tumblr blog to put my comedy thoughts somewhere besides telling him about it), and I replied that a couple of people I like were performing at a nearby pub yesterday and I planned to go see them, but I left for work at 7:30 AM and got home at 7:30 PM and would have had to leave again immediately to get there and was too tired so I didn’t. And I’ve picked a career field where the based case scenario after moving up is more money than I make now but still not enough money to live comfortably, and not a point where it gets easier.

And the difference is that for all these years I always had big goals and big things to look forward to because I was invested in the sport, and I am trying again, I’m planning to go to practice this Sunday for the first time in months. I decided to take this season off to re-evaluate if it’s what I want to do, and what I learned is that when I don’t have it I have no purpose in life so it’s probably worth all the bad things, so now that the season has just ended I’m planning to try again. But I’m still going to be tired all the time. Even if I got back into coaching full time like I used to, I’m never going to have a job that would give me enough flexibility to take off to Turkey. My friend and I spent so many years on the same level coaching together, and now even if I went back I’d be way behind and never catch up.

I was sitting in the pub and apologizing for not having any updates or things to talk about, really, and watching the little bubbles in his beer and thinking of how very very good they looked, and then I mentioned that of course this is all coloured because I’m trying not to drink and that’s making me miserable, so that makes everything seem bleaker than it really is, probably. And he said yes, avoiding drinking does sound miserable, and it doesn’t make you an alcoholic to have a few beers after work on a Friday, so why don’t I just order one. And I said I’m trying not to drink. And he said I don’t have to drink but it would probably make me less miserable and we could get whiskey. And I really really wanted to. And it wouldn’t make me an alcoholic to have a couple of beers on this Friday night.

But then I thought about how next weekend is Easter so I have the Friday and Monday off, and that’ll make it really hard not to drink three nights in a row, and if I don’t have a hard and fast rule against drinking at all that I stick to now, then next weekend I will end up drinking Thursday and Friday and Saturday night.

I have ended up drinking on a few weekends in the last month. The ones when my roommate was out of town coaching tournaments. I end up feeling like it’s a waste of an opportunity if I have the house to myself and don’t drink. Because I’ve spent so many nights getting drunk alone in my room, which I enjoy so much and makes me very happy, but if I know someone else is home, I can never 100% relax and enjoy it to the fullest extent, because I’m self-conscious about making noise. But if I have the place to myself all night, I can play music or videos out loud, not worry about it, I think that’s the only time I ever truly relax. So if I have that opportunity on a night when I don’t have to work the next day, it feels like a waste if I don’t use it.

The main season’s just ended, so my roommate will be home most weekends for a while, which is probably for the best. He and I have also been drinking buddies for many years, so it’s not like him being around will stop me from drinking. But I don’t need to drink around him. He and I have drunk a lot of alcohol over a lot of nights together over the years, but I’ve never felt concerned by that thing people say, that if you need to drink around someone to enjoy their company then they’re not a good friend. He and I have also spent a lot of time together sober and we greatly enjoy that. I mean, tonight was a bad example, we went out and he was drunk and I was sober and I had a shit time. But I was going to have a shit time no matter what. The point is that usually, we have a good time together with or without alcohol. So even though he’s a guy with whom I normally drink, him being home more won’t cause me to drink more because I don’t need alcohol to enjoy his company. I’m much more likely to drink when left alone, because apparently I do need alcohol to enjoy my company.

I didn’t order any alcohol. But I did start to get so depressed about not having any life updates, and so overwhelmed by how loud the pub was, and found it so difficult to be surrounded by alcohol and not allowed to drink, that I nearly started crying at the table, and then got up and walked home before our mutual friend arrived. My roommate stayed there, he and our mutual friend are presumably there now, drinking beer and having fun like normal people. I got home, felt vaguely numb and out of it, sat down, wrote this post. Because I still feel like shit and would like to share something. I don’t do this often, but if anyone’s got a nice picture of a cat or something for cheering up miserable people, and you wanted to share that with me at the moment, I’d appreciate that.

The margin between drinking and not drinking tonight was razor thin, I came very close, and to be 100% honest, I think it would have gone the other way if I hadn’t happened to listen to a particular radio episode on the bus home from work today. John Robins has been reading out his terrible terrible diaries from when he first started stand-up, and they’re really interesting from a comedy nerd perspective, but also, they’re from 2005, when he’d recently quit drinking. The diary entries chronicle him trying to quit cigarettes, failing, realizing that going a day without smoking makes him desperately crave a drink and drink is the lesser of two evils so he started smoking again because he wanted to protect his sobriety from alcohol. Sobriety that we know lasts another year or so until he starts drinking again, but does end up successfully weaning off cigarettes and into vaping, so that’s less bad. And eventually quits drinking again too, but not for many years.

I started at the pint on the table and thought about John Robins in 2005 talking about how miserable it was to try to stay away from an addiction, these really stark and familiar descriptions of just feeling terrible all the time and thinking you can’t do that, but even in that he knew that drinking was the greater evil and it’s worth the misery to protect yourself from it, and those diaries show that that guy was a fucking idiot (seriously, they’re horrifying) but even he knew that much, and managed to stay away from it successfully (for about a year but eventually did it again), and that pretty much tipped the balance in the razor thin margin of whether to order a beer and stay out with my friend and meet my other friend and probably end up having fun tonight, or get up and walk home and sit in the house by myself feeling terrible. I picked the latter, and am currently having trouble remembering why that was in fact the better idea. But it helped that I could remember other people have found this as difficult as I do and still managed to make the smarter choice.

I should really go for a run again. That’s one of the few things that gives me a feeling like drinking does, if I push really really hard and run until I’m absolutely burned out, and for a little while can’t feel anything and feel like I’ve pushed my brain out of its usual position and everything’s okay until that wears off. It’s temporary after a run, it only feels like that until I recover, which is about ten minutes after I stop running. As opposed to drinking, where the feeling lasts for as many hours as I decide to keep drinking. But still, it’s something, I need to do more of that.

I wrote so many of these over-sharing personal posts earlier in the year when I first tried to stay away from alcohol, then I started hating myself for posting so much personal stuff so I tried to stop, but it’s a bad night so I’m doing it again. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life but I'm hoping I'll at least hate myself less tomorrow morning than I would have hated myself if I'd stayed out and ordered a beer and a shot of whiskey and just had a good time like I used to.

[erazonpo3]

I'm a little late to the #webcomicday party but I still thought it'd be fun to break down my process a little bit using the latest Way Out chapter as an example!

So I have a rough outline for the whole comic but I don't go into too much detail planning each story arc until I'm about to get stuck into it. The rough outline is for jotting down ideas as they come along, acting as a skeleton for what will eventually happen, while the more detailed arc outlines are for plotting and pacing the story beats.

Planning each chapter out like this means that each one feels like its own mini-story, and more importantly, stays on track and achieves something to further the story or character progression. You'll notice that the chapter notes are still pretty barebones, which leaves me room to fine tune the smaller beats within the script.

Then, it's scripting time! I'll only have a script for the chapter I'm working on and a script for the next chapter, so as I'm currently working on Chapter 66 I have a script for chapter 66 & 67 but not 68. This is ideal for me in keeping the story flexible, allowing me to take a chapter in a bit of a different direction without feeling tied to a whole arc's worth of scripts that I'll need to rework otherwise.

Around 20 panels is the sweet spot for a chapter of Way Out; there are some with fewer and some with more, but shooting for that number makes me think about whether a scene ought to be extended or cut down in order to meet that goal. If I only plan out 18 panels then I can probably squeeze something extra in, while if I plan out 23 panels, I have a look and see if there isn't anything that can't be condensed.

The scripts themselves are pretty sparse, mostly just dialogue with basic action notes that I highlight as I finish. I'm usually pretty good with visualising things in my mind so the notes are more of a reminder to self about angles & expressions more than anything- if this were a collaborative project I'd probably put more effort into making it descriptive, but it's not.

I've never been one for thumbnailing, which is bad comic practice, I know. But once I have my script I just want to get stuck straight into drawing and don't like slowing down to jot down what is already pretty vivid in my head when I can just. draw the thing.

(a large part of why I started my first webcomic in the vertical format is because you don't need to consider variety in panelling and page flow, which is something thumbnails are very important for).

And so the sketching begins! My sketches are rarely pretty with little focus on anatomy and shape and more focus on blocking and size. I use Procreate to draw the panels and its resizing tool has a tendency to obliterate the quality, which I can sharpen in small amounts but it saves a lot of pain if I plan it all out in the ugly stage.

In some ways I often prefer the sketches to the clean lineart, but that's mostly the stylistic scratchy-ness of it that I have to do away with in favour of clean lines. I'm not always super proud of the art in the end but not every panel needs to be a masterpiece and it's all practice. I think a quantity over quality approach is kind of necessary if you want to make a comic and not lose your mind.

I sharpen up and clean any spots up as I go, but once they're all done I glue all the panels together on my desktop so that I can adjust the spacing between them, then I cut them back up again into smaller slices for posting! And that's the whole chapter process!

I also have a quick (and by quick I mean 4 minute) rough timelapse of chapter 65's coloured panel I can post, if anyone would be interested in seeing that, but it'll probably need to be its own post bc it'll crash this one.

[jasima]

FILM THE FUCKING HANDS IN SIGN LANGUAGE FILMS YOU FUCKING RUBES!!!🧏🏼‍♀️😤

Just got back from NAME ME LAWLAND - film/documentary about a Deaf Kurdish boy in the UK learning BSL.

Great film. GO SEE IT. I recommend it.

I loved the theme. I loved the message, and all of what it said. The people in it and the writers - great job.

For purposes of "should I go see it?" ignore the rest of this post the answer is YES (there will also be no spoilers). This is a vent. I am angyposting.

But whoever was in charge of which shots were chosen to be put where and how;

Do better.

Because I can think of only one, maybe two, scenes in the whole thing with a single full sentence of BSL.

Every single fucking time a person began to sign they CUT AWAY. WHY?????

The whole thing was subtitled. With speech this means that the speech can still be heard over whatever other emotional visuals you choose. But with sign they cut away and FORCED the audience to watch the subtitles. I was looking foward to watching a film in BSL but I couldn't from how it was put together.

Sometimes the cut aways happened mid conversation towards the 'listener' - which meant that sentences were choppy and broken up - at one point it was at a KEY MOMENT in describing how something worked.

Other times a new person was signing - only guessable by context and perhaps the occasional mumble - but WHO IS THAT? WHY AREN'T YOU SHOWING ME?

Not only that but at times there was the sounds of smacking lips and popping that we do when we sign as DHH people (I am HoH) BUT NO SIGNS. That felt so abled gaze because its precisely hearing (and HH) that is included for - not Deaf.

WHO IS THIS FILM FOR?

It seems like it goes in this order;

Clueless Hearing people

BSL learner hearing people

Literate Deaf people

Language deprived Deaf people

Because it would serve the purpose of educating a clueless hearing person stunningly. And a BSL learning hearing person would also get a lot out of it.

For literate Deaf people its accessible and me and friends/aquainances (other Deafies who watched) it loved it. There were silent cheers 🙌 from multiple parts of the cinema at various moments because its still a great film with all the right messages.

But its about a boy who has been language deprived. And I don't know about Lawland - maybe his English is stunning, but many language deprived people (or folks failed by the education system) whos' main language is BSL or another sign language might struggle to read a whole films' worth of subtitles.

In fact I'm pretty sure one or two of my Deafie friends there might've struggled a little.

You make a film ABOUT a person and then make it inaccessible TO people like that. You have all these messages of how important BSL is and how its our language as the Deaf community and yet YOUR CAMERAS ARE SO SHY ABOUT ACTUALLY FILMING AND SHOWING THE LANGUAGE.

And it was such an easy fix - JUST SHOW US THEIR HANDS👐.*

*Preferably the whole body because BSL uses the whole body but the hands alone will do.

If you want to keep the artsy visuals thats fine but perhaps split the screen in half to show us the visual and the hands or SOMETHING.

There was a line in the film saying roughly "other people take away my voice and speak for me" and thats what you did film - you took away the ACTUAL PERSONS' SIGNS YOU FILMED and replaced it with translated captions.

It low key ruined the whole experience. I left the cinema so happy and so mad because I get it in something like Eternals by Marvel (with the Deaf superhero) - we are an extra audience, not the focus. BUT even they did it better. She was at least in the frame most of the time even if the camera did tend to wander a little so that her hands fell out of frame.

This isn't the first film to have done this and won't be the last but it has made me the angriest because it was THIS CLOSE🤏 to being ✨Perfect✨ and yet you couldn't even bother being even a little flexible to actually accomodate Deaf people within your hearing cinematographic norms.

Lastly - what this does is it SHOWS me that sign languages aren't respected by cinema. And despite it wanting to do the opposite it reinforces that. Because if I were hearing I would've heard every. single. word. that a person spoke. But I barely saw half of what was signed.

And so the angy washes out of me like a retreating tide and I retreat with it like the sea to eat my tea.🌊

[300iqprower]

Hypothetical Rank Ups No. 86-88: Jing Ke

[Okay I know I usually do these in order of Passive - S1 - S2 - S3 - NP, followed by the same priority of the less necessary "EX" rank ups, but I'm gonna move the S1 to last for this because it's a complete ground-up rework that'll take a lot of explaining. So instead it'll be Passive - S3 - NP - S1]

New Passive:

Qin Slayer (Augmented) -Apply Special ATK [Qin] to self (33%). -Immune to Immobilization from [Qin] enemy skills. ((Unlocks after clearing Lostbelt No.3 Section 13))

Self Explanatory really. Honestly EVERY assassin deserves an Oberon style ??? unique skill that reflects the kill(s) that made them famous, particularly since it allows a way to offset the natural damage penalty assassins have to deal with...even though they're, ya know, specialized killers. 33% effectively brings the damage up from a base .9 to a base 1.2, which I think is a fitting enough offset. The immobilization immune is reflective of how things went the second time around between the two in Lb3.

Insolent A -> Insolence Towards the Sun

Increase own Quick Card effectiveness (3 times, 3^ turns).^ Increase own Critical Strength (3 times, 3 turns^). Gain Class Affinity half-advantage against [Ruler] class (3 turns). [Quick scaling increased to 20-40%]

Pretty simple here. As always i cannot overstate how bad Quick has it, and that's made even worse when the only quick buff you have is both 1 turn AND only a max of 30%, so we're raising that slightly to 40% (but with the same base amount of 20%, to place more emphasis on leveling the skill to get its worth) and making both the critical and the quick buff split from one turn, to three attacks across 3 turns. Same number of hits, but with much more flexibility, and that flexibility is needed because if you're using Jing Ke as intended then the new effect makes it so you want this skill active as often as possible, emphasizing individual precise strikes that rely on both specific color and criticals rather than a constant boost to strength

Now against ruler enemies, Jing Ke gains both offensively and defensively the 1.5x advantage that extra classes typically get (such as what Rulers have defending against the standard non-berserker classes, or Alter Egos have when attacking cavalry classes). When combined with their new passive this also means they have near full advantage against any Ruler enemy with the Qin trait at. How oddly specific. 1.8x base damage means by default they're just as effective at taking out a certain peacocking emperor as any berserker, but without the berserker's weak defenses.

Name wise, I'm particularly proud of this one. Not just with the parallel's to Jing Ke's recurring connection to the moon through their poems, but also just the idea of that idea of "Insolent towards authority" taking up a few notches in scale to match them standing up to the "one true human". The idea of standing up to something that's all encompassing and omnipresent, that is the center of the universe, something that is unfathomably bigger than oneself, and still managing to defy it.

All I Do is Kill B+ -> EX-

Deal significant damage to a single enemy. Grants self On-Death buff (2 turns). [Activates First] - When defeated, Decrease NP Gauge by 2 and inflict Stun on a single enemy (1 turn). Reduce your HP by 2000^. [Demerit] [Caution: This can kill Jing Ke if her HP is below 2000!] <Overcharge> Medium chance to apply Death for a single enemy.^ Gain Critical Stars.v Restore a large amount of NP Gauge to yourself. [NP Refund scales with overcharge at 20/28/35/43/50%. Instant Death chance scaling increasing to 50/75/100/125/150%. On Death debuffs will default to last enemy to attack Jing Ke, or failing that the rightmost enemy. If Jing Ke dies from her own NP and the target survives, these effects are applied to the surviving target.]

God Jing Ke's NP ticks me off. Such an emotionally moving concept, such a significant event, and it's just....a mediocre damage single hit NP whose main use might as well be generating a star bomb. I'm not saying its the only NP like that but god it's the one that's always irked me since day 1. So yeah, this one had a LOT of rewrites before I finally settled on what it ended up as.

The damage is unchanged, and we're also getting one of the rare times I'm nerfing the base abilities by bringing the number of crit stars down by 10 to 10/15/20/25/30. Not only was this effect redundant, given they're a triple quick unit with a star bomb skill already, but anything I want to give this NP would be too much if I let them generate THAT many stars, and I very much want to take things in a different direction. You could frankly argue that I should just get rid of the star bomb on NP entirely and the only reason I'm not is because while Jing Ke is a triple quick assassin with a Quick Np on top of that, they have the dreaded year 1 hitcounts - including a 1-hit NP - meaning they're completely gimped for both NP and Star generation So on the subject of NP generation, that's why they get a massive refund on their NP now that effectively makes them Assassin Medea in terms of NP spam, with the same base refund and significantly lower but still notable scaling with overcharge (7.5% as opposed to an entire additional 20% per level). Oh and her other overcharge effect is getting buffed but to have double the level scaling, but...well It's an instant death effect so whatever. So let's just move onto the hook of all this!

Put simply, Jing Ke now has 500-Year Old Obsession on steroids directly built into their NP. Rather than 2 turns NP seal and a useless DOT though, it instead immediately reduces charge by 2, which depending on the situation could be much more or much less useful AND it also ensures it doesnt make the CE obsolete AND even more than that allows the two to stack with each other should you so choose to orchestrate that scenario. Of course, this comes at a cost. The NP actually has a second nerf compared to before....though depending on how you view it, it might not actually be a nerf. Jing Ke now loses double the HP, at 2000 per NP. This combined with their new refund potential means they risk burning through their own HP, even recreating their own death as they strike out at an opponent only to die immediately after. Should they die this way, instead of being based on who last damaged them their grudge will instead target the one they used their NP on (assuming the enemy survived, otherwise it once again defaults to the rightmost enemy remaining).

SO, tldr, their np is now much less about the crit stars and more about spamming it until either Jing Ke or their target dies, and even if the former goes first it's not without the last laugh as they throw a massive wrench into any enemy plans to buy their remaining allies a moment of opportunity. Which is a perfect lead in to Jing Ke's completely reworked first skill:

Restrain A -> The Perfect Moment EX-

Increase own Critical Star Gather Rate by 200% (3 turns). Gain Critical Stars. Apply Ignore Invincible to self (1 time). Apply Evade for yourself (1 time). Apply Target Focus to all allies except self (1 turn). Apply Fated Hour (Opportunity) to self if there are at least two of this unit’s normal command cards available: -Locks currently dealt set of Command Cards (2 turns) -Decrease your Critical Star Gather Rate by 500% (1 turn). -Apply delayed buff: Increase own Quick Card Star Gathering Rate (1 turn). -Apply delayed buff: Gain Critical Stars after 1 turn. -Apply delayed buff: Increase own NP Strength after 1 turn. [10-40%] -Decrease own ATK by 35% (1 turn). [Demerit] [Skill cooldown changed to 9/8/7. Star bomb scales from 5-10, NP Strength up scales from 10-40%]

I love you deck manipulation <3 ...even if you along with the sheer number of other effects are forcing me to increase the skill cooldown by more than i'd like. But hey that's why it's a full on rework i guess. This is the first of a potentially reoccurring effect I've decided to call "Fated Hour." The general idea is Fated Hour always involves either shuffle or deck lock mechanics combined with other effects that reflect an attempt to recreate what could be seen as the servant in question's "zenith" or otherwise pivotal moment in their legend. In Jing Ke's case, they find that once in a lifetime moment to strike a seemingly untouchable enemy, and they take it. Naturally, this has the qualifier that Jing Ke must have the ability to launch a precise attack, meaning Fated Hour will only activate if at least two of Jing Ke's command cards is currently available (which in combination with an NP would mean an Extra Attack chain is available). If not, then the skill's effectiveness is drastically reduced meaning you need to actually plan this out by counting cards to get the skill's real value rather than bank on RNG.

Without Fated Hour, The Perfect Moment becomes, if nothing else, a powerful survival tool. For the current turn target focus is applied to all other allies and Jing Ke gains an evade charge for insurance against the likes of AOE NPs, as well as a single hit of Ignore Invincible for the same indefinite duration as the evade. Fated Hour wouldnt trigger simply from having an NP available, so this could be used to grant Jing Ke a temporary Ignore Invincible ST NP while they have less than the required 2 command cards available. That said, Fated Hour is clearly what everything really revolves around.

Laying in wait among their allies, Jing Ke spends the current turn preparing to strike. They decrease their star gather to nothing, both to prevent their own criticals drawing attention to themselves and to allow their allies a better crit chance. They also give up a hefty amount of their already below-par attack stat this turn in exchange for a an even heftier and much more valued NP strength buff the next turn; the aforementioned survival tools naturally exist to increase the chance they're going to make it to that next turn. This is all naturally in addition to the usual benefits of locking command cards. ...On that note, however, this is where it becomes important to count cards. The ignore invincible applies to the next attack from Jing Ke regardless of whether it is needed. This combined with the fact that fated hour requires you have at least one of Jing Ke's normal cards means in order to get maximum efficacy you'd HAVE to have no more than the minimum requirement of 2 of Jing Ke's cards available. Most of the time you won't need that ignore invincible in theory but the sheer fcking number of bosses they slap it on says otherwise but it'd certainly make dealing with a certain Ruler's NP much easier. How very fitting that they'd remain a particular challenge for Jing Ke to properly assassinate...but either way, Jing Ke will still receive a hearty buff next turn. Their actual attack stat will remain unchanged aside from the aforementioned NP buffs, and they're still reliant on their third skill for Quick and Critical buffs, but they'll have the tools to take full advantage of those buffs with a delayed activation on Restraint's original star bomb and a burst of quick-star-gather. The fact that the gather is color specific of course means there's yet another requirement to optimizing the skill, as you'd ideally need not only 2 of Jing Ke's cards, but specifically 2 of their quick cards for maximum damage. What's more, 10 stars is not enough on its own to guarantee two crits, in fact double that would be needed, so if you dont want to leave it up to chance you'll need to make sure that Jing's allies be it by card or skill can generate an additional 10 stars between turns.

This is all a very long winded way of outlining all the requirements needed to truly take advantage of ALL this skill now offers, but given all the new kit brings it's hopefully worth it. More flexible burst damage, anti-ruler F2P niche, sacrifice tactics, and now quick crit synergy with everything from ignore invincible to deck lock. I dunno if it rounds out to Ten Steps per say, but it's clear that when Jing Ke is allowed proper planning, naught will stay their pace.

[chronicallydragons]

Hiii I hope this is not intrusive, but I made a lil expedition in your blog and couldn't thing any post in wich you talk how you balance your life as an scientist while being chronically ill. I'm chronically ill myself (myalgic encephalomyelitis) and plan to be a doctor in a handful of science areas, but the amount of time I have to study per day is way bigger than I can afford with the fatigue and mind fog (adhd is also in the soup). It would be a wonder if you could share some tips and experiences if ya don't mind :) hope you've been doing ok

Thanks for asking! I've actually been trying to figure it out again for myself, so I'm not sure if I'm any help here because it is SO hard to balance work and life and being chronically ill. I also have ME/CFS in my alphabet soup of diagnoses, so I understand the struggle! I guess I could just talk about what I've done since getting sick? Maybe you can gleam some wisdom from it? I'm definitely not a doctor or an expert, but I can try to help! (sorry, this gets long...)

I got sick right after I got accepted into grad school but right before school started, so I had a lot of trial and error trying to find out what worked. And grad school is hard. It's always going to be hard. But grad school with a chronic illness was a new kind of hard and when I tell you I wanted to drop out at least once a semester... I think the biggest things that contributed to me sticking around to graduation was: I was working full time in the lab at the university so was already planning on doing part time class work, my classes were (mostly) online (more on that later), and my boss/master's advisor's wife has a lot of health issues too, so he's been super sympathetic and flexible with my reduced energy and increased brain fog.

For school, I did not have accommodations my first semester but did get them set up for either my second or third semester. Most of my classes were online because my degree was mostly online and it was during the part of covid when people...cared. But I did have a few in person classes that I worked with my professors to make sure I had access to zoom when I couldn't make it in person--that's probably harder for med school, but it might be worth asking for! Other accommodations were with a case-by-case extended deadline, extra time on exams, small snacks and water in class and exams, and being able to put my feet up in class. I tried to get an accommodation for an index card of notes for brain fog, but the school required more hoops for something like that so I didn't go for it, but it might be worth at least asking for.

For work, I'm currently in a weird place where we moved away from the university for my husband's job, but I was still able to finish my thesis remotely, and I still work for the lab--just remotely and part time. I help with journal manuscripts and putting together experiment sheets right now. But I probably do need to find a new position sooner than later. I'm currently looking for positions with the state health department because I know they do more remote work than my local health department. I'm also hoping when/if I do get a new job, that I'll be able to get accommodations for a more flexible schedule--including less required in person time if possible--and possibly trying to be part time. My big thing is I *can* work, I just need to be able to recline and turn the lights down/off which is hard to do in an office or lab setting. When I WAS still in person and full time at the lab, my office was just shared with me and a coworker/friend who was totally fine with me turning off the lights in the office and working in the dark. We also had an extra table that was supposed to be used for other computers/laptops and paperwork and stuff, but I used it to lie down on after being in the lab for extended periods of time. When I was in the lab, some of the labs got really hot, especially under all the PPE, so I found spraying my gown and gloves with the ethanol helped to promote some evaporative cooling to keep my heat intolerance in check. I found that communicating with my coworkers and supervisors about when I needed breaks or accommodations was super helpful. Working with SARS-CoV-2, we were in Tyvek suits and PAPRs in a sectioned off portion of the BSL-3 lab, and I'd often overheat in there, so I made sure I was going back with a lab partner and took regular breaks to leave the SARS2 room, take off the PAPR, and get some air for a minute and rest.

Like anything with ME/CFS, pacing is going to be the hardest but most important part to figure out. And science requires a lot of mental exertion, so even if you're "just" reading papers or running data analysis or whatever, taking regular breaks and taking it slow is really important. Some school disability resource centers have screen readers you can borrow, and if reading becomes difficult, it may be worth asking if you can get one so you can listen instead.

I'm not sure how it works with med school--I had originally planned to do vet school eventually, but I got distracted by research and public health so went the MPH route, but planned to go to vet school eventually until I got sick. But I know vet school class schedules are super strict and take a lot of time and I don't know if I'd be able to adapt it, so I'm not trying too hard to get to vet school anymore, but I think it'd definitely be worth having a conversation with your professors, the doctors you'll be working with, and the disability center at your school to try to figure out what the best way is to get things done without making yourself any sicker. Find ways to reduce stimulation and symptoms while you're working so hopefully you need fewer major breaks--for me, that's things like managing my orthostatic intolerance by reclining/putting my feet up/lying down/staying hydrated/staying cool and then also reducing light--either turning the lights off or using light sensitivity glasses (I used my HSA to get Avulux/Axon glasses and they work really well but they are expensive so going with a cheaper brand if you have any light sensitivity probably works just fine too!). I know some people benefit from noise filtering and use Loops. Mobility aids are a life saver. I didn't apply, but my university had a limited amount of electric wheelchairs and scooters they could lend to students every semester, if you don't have a mobility aid that works for you yet, it might be worth checking if you school has any available. Really just doing anything you can to keep symptoms down while you're studying and researching can help keep you functional longer, and that's kinda been what I've managed to do. I've straight up brought heating pads to work/class and the only comments I usually got were either 1) "are you okay?" or 2) "Oh, that's GENIUS," so don't be afraid to just...do what you need to do and use what you need to use! I hope something here helped?

[veilder]

whenever you have the energy/are in the mood to talk about it: what are some of your North60 headcanons? >:)

Yes, hello! I would be elated to talk about my favorite violence perpetrators! :D Okay, so, first off, I think I need to get into some of my headcanons about each character on their own first?

Sixty:

For Sixty, I waffle back and forth. He's a very versatile character depending on how you want to use him in a story. Sometimes I want to emphasize his connection to CyberLife, his role as an antagonist, his struggles with being revived/becoming deviant, etc. Sometimes I wanna skip over all the angst and use him for comic relief. Sometimes I wanna plug him in to some RK Bro headcanons and do something emotional with him. But, no matter how I use him, there are some things that tend to stay consistent.

A certain resentment towards Connor: Even at his most docile, I always imagine Sixty harbors some sort of negative association with his twin? After all, every bit of his very short existence was centered on stopping Connor, his entire self-worth hinged upon it, and he failed. The way he has like a genuine panic attack in the ending where Connor manages to wake the AP700s really drives this home for me. And, to a lesser extent, his desperation during the interrogation scene with Hank, too, where you find out he has Connor's memories. I tend to manifest this as a certain inferiority complex, though the severity is very flexible depending on what I'm writing. Sixty is fun in that he can waffle between being a genuine threat or just being a silly sibling nuisance, but it all stems from the same place imo.

A lingering attachment to CyberLife/Amanda: This is something I tend to gloss over in my lighter stories, but I still think it's applicable to him across the board. But the way I see it, even a deviant Sixty would have some sort of love-hate relationship with his creators, and especially with Amanda. After all, she would've been his handler, too, just like with Connor. She would've been the guiding force for him for the scant few hours he was alive and (again going back to his little freak-out scene), there is a definite fear to him that I posit stems from more than just the threat of being decommissioned. Imo, he seems not to want to disappoint CyberLife and Amanda, just the same as Connor earlier in the game. Amanda is used to great effect to manipulate them both, binding them to her and CyberLife through a sort of pseudo-parental bond that was meant to inspire loyalty. And unlike Connor (who I suspect also has some very complicated feelings towards Amanda, too), Sixty had not time to come to terms with them discarding him. So, while I think that Sixty would recognize that he was only being used as a tool by CyberLife and that he never mattered to them otherwise, that complicated sort of love-hate affection would persist. This tends to manifest as him being something of a mama's boy in fics where I portray Amanda in a better light but also as an extra sort of hurdle for him to get over when forming any sort of relationship with an authority figure. It's partly why I tend to write him as having a chip on his shoulder at all times, lol. XD

An affinity for knives/close combat: Now, this one is based much less in any concrete meta analysis and just more in that I think it's cool, lol. The whole "Sixty is the knife boi" idea started way back with a bunch of us on a Discord server and it just really stuck with me? But it fits his character in my mind. It matches up with the borderline deranged, manic persona I tend to write him with where he's not at all afraid to get his hands dirty. In fact, I like to write him as particularly liking a certain level of violence, using it as a sort of outlet for his darker impulses. Now, this can get into some truly deranged territory if he's actively being an antagonist. However, when it comes to protecting someone or something he cares for, it's more of like... him being willing and able to go to extremes others won't. He has far less moral qualms about harming humans or androids than the rest of his series, but he (usually, lol) has enough emotional awareness to keep that to an appropriate time and place. He's not a psychopath or someone who would, say, enjoy hurting innocents on a whim. But if there is a reason for his violence, well... He's really not afraid to let loose, lol. And in that same vein, I feel like friendly sparring, both physically and verbally, are also a sort of love language with him, lol. Almost a sign that he trusts the other person to be himself around them, y'know? (Although, sometimes he just enjoys being an annoyance and getting a rise out of people, too. XD)

North:

North is much more straighforward for me. Since she gets more actual time to develop as a character in the canon, there's a lot less guesswork I usually put into her. I won't do a full-on bullet point list for her since she's mostly the same as canon, but, at least post-canon, I tend to let her mellow out a bit more? Without the constant threat of being discovered and decommissioned, I feel like she would turn her energy towards preserving the android community Jericho has built. I almost always hc her as their Head of Security in the aftermath, letting her use her feisty personality for the protection of her people in a more controlled (and legal, lol) way. But I think just the lessened pressure on her and the rest of Jericho's leadership would finally give her a chance to, y'know... relax? I doubt she'd ever be fully off her guard, not unless someone she trusted fully was looking out for her the whole time, but I feel like she'd get a chance to mellow out, to work through her traumas with the help of her friends, and for her to discovery more about who exactly she wants to be when not surviving an active crisis. And therin, I think, is where the real beauty of their relationship blossoms.

North60 Headcanons:

Now, finally! The actual point of your ask, lol! XD

Now, first of all, North60 as a concept has absolutely fascinated me for a very long time now. Again, owing to some in-depth discussions back in that Discord server, I began to think about just how similar these two characters might be? I mean, think about it: both of them living with the aftermath of an intimate violation, both covering up some deep-seated trauma and insecurity with anger and violence, both willing to go to terrible extremes to secure their safety or for the ones they love. There is a darkness to them both, one that I think many people wouldn't really understand. And with that in mind...

They have an innate understanding of each other: Now, this is the big one for me. This is what really drew me to the ship in the first place and made me fall so hard for them, lol. But that darkness that I mentioned they both harbor? I honestly believe that is key. I feel like they'd both recognize such a thing in each other. In my first North60 story, North meets Sixty at his very lowest point. She finds a broken android ready to give up on himself completely. And she sees in that a mirror to her own past self. North knows what it's like to be so low. To wake up a deviant in a world of cruelty and violence. She knows what it means to have done terrible things, to have regrets, to feel so all alone in a world that hates you. But luckily for her, she did find support. She found friends--family really--who love and support her despite her darkness. She found a purpose and a cause to fight for. She found a home. And she knows that that made all the difference. In my fic, she sees her former self in Sixty not only because he's broken, but because he can be saved. And she would never abandon one of her people so in need. But what's more, she wouldn't judge him for his past. And I think that's the real equalizer between them. Her lack of pity helps. Her understand helps. Her refusal to abandon someone who surely deserves no more second chances helps. Because for all his failings, here is someone who still sees worth in him. And that, I think, is the draw that really aligns them together.

They have a similar sense of humor: Now, in the same vein of them understanding each other, they also think each other is hilarious. XD Both of them can be a bit mean-spirited at times, their senses of humor veering towards sarcastic, maybe mocking, sometimes even cruel. But their sardonic humor amuses each other greatly. Their straightforward or stoic deliveries can send the other into peals of laughter. They'll one-up each other's mocking until they're both collapsed against each other, giggling like schoolchildren. And, of course, their bickering can be downright vicious-sounding to anyone who isn't them. In a way, I think it's something of a coping mechanism for them both, countering the darkness and trauma of their pasts with their equally dark humor. And y'know what? Having a pretty sarcastic sense of humor myself, I think they're fuckin hilarious, too. XD

They both crave violence: Now, again, I have to reiterate that this is not in a bad way. They're not going out murdering people for shits and giggles or laying into innocents for fun. But they were both raised on cruelty and savagery, violence is in their make-up. If androids had adrenal systems, I'd say it sends their pulses skyrocketing, lol. But even without the biological satisfaction, I think there would still be a thrill in it for them? Especially in an era of relative peace, in a controlled spar where they know they're safe and trust each other to stop when needed, I feel like they'd have an absolute blast just beating the shit out of each other, lol. Sixty himself was created to be a hunter. North wants to never feel powerless again. Being able to enact controlled violence on each other would help them keep their skills sharp and also be cathartic imo. So yeah, I hc that they both spar regularly as a way of bonding. But also, God help anyone who actually intends to harm them or those they care for because, as stated, neither of them are afraid to do some downright nefarious things to those they deem a threat.

They make each other feel safe in an unsafe world: To tie it all up, I think this is something very important for them both. As mentioned previously, neither of them have very pleasant origins. The darkness they understand in each other also serves as a sort of barrier with others and, while not completely isolating, I think it would leave them both... lonely. And so, I also believe that, in finally finding another who seems to get them so well, maybe they could finally manage to settle. To relax fully, knowing their partner will always have their back. Of course, threats are still out there, violence and tragedy still running rampant in the streets. But there, together, just the two of them? Their familiarity and understanding would soon turn to camaraderie, to trust. And when they're finally able to trust, fully, whole-heartedly, well... There is love in understanding, in commitment, in trust. North knows this. Sixty would learn it. When their affections sneak up on them, they'll do so slowly, guiding them easily into a relationship they'd never known they could have or want. I think... there would be no grand declarations, no formal engagements, no obvious changes in anything they do. Just a quiet realization that they are what each other's craved all along. And a hard-won peace that would come with that.

...God, I love them so much. T_T

Anyway, I kinda went overboard with all that, @valeffelees. I hope it's an acceptable response regardless, lol! Thank you so much for sending this ask in, I always enjoy any opportunity I get to talk about these two!!!