#i made myself a bit sad thinking about this
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
The reasoning of "just a tool" shows an incredible understatement of understanding of how much the generative AI is impacting the professional fields, and as a consequence of that, the aspirations of amateurs.
A famous saying in the artistic and literary world is "Ideas are cheap". it's the actual work that goes into the execution that makes art art, and that doesn't have to mean that it all needs to be photorealistic, but that does mean that the process of the art creation is often what is talked about when you see it in museums or at competitions.
Jackson Pollock splattered paint on a canvas, Marcel Duchamp declared a urinoir to be a fountain and it was art; the idea was cheap. The boldness of actually going all in on the simplicity of that process and taking it seriously, openly and honestly showing that their process WAS in fact just splattering paint or picking up ready made objects, that was all very new.
in the same way, you can't really pull that off nowadays anymore, because you'll just be someone who imitates Pollock or Duchamps.
Some artists, however use large machines and robotics. This looks very cool! The Robotic art piece Can't Help Myself has been seen on tumblr, the sad robotic arm that does a little dance as dark red liquid oozes out, until it seemingly panics and quickly starts wiping the liquid back into itself. The machinery is used here as "just a tool" too.
But the incredibly widespread application of AI art combines all the worst factors of all of this; AI makes it very easy to execute any cheap idea and get an artwork that looks decent at first glance, but there's nothing really bold or honest about pretending to have made an oil painting while you know nothing about oil, paint, or color theory. There is barely any process to speak of, other than the prompt/programming that was offered to the AI and the amount of iterations the computer went through until you reach the desired result. but since most of the process happens through machine learning, we can't really peer into that in the same way that we can peer into humans without humanizing the machine. At the same time, because a lot of AI function via the internet (though of course not all of them do), there's also a little bit of obscuring that goes on when it comes to the process. in art, when I think of "just a tool", I think of a brush, a pencil, a pen. in some cases a personal computer, or a drawing tablet. house hold items, that, although some can be expensive, or big, are ultimately clearly tools.
What I DON'T think of when someone mentions tools are factory machines that could replace 90% of a work force. When a car factory is managed by 100 mechanics, and 90 of them get replaced by robotic arms, it's not the correct terminology to say "don't worry, that arm is just a tool". And if hundreds or thousands of amateur crafters suddenly start building shoddy cars in their back yard because they could afford to have such a mechanical arm installed, would you still feel safe on the road? The amount of mechanical arms suddenly being on the market drives up the prices of computers. Generative AI is that mechanical arm. The internet is being overrun with quickly made, shoddy art, often presented as realistic depictions of either hand made art, or even real life photography. AI art that, within it's own picture, boldly shows to be AI art is very rare and unsurprisingly THAT is the AI art that can also be seen in museums sometimes. At the same time the popularity of the AI art causes a host of environmental concerns and unforeseen political problems. Art, messaging and propaganda is made at a scale never seen before, and it's doing damage.
So when people say AI is just a tool, no it's not. It's a factory machine capable of replacing an artistic team, being put into the hands of the common people, and treated as if it's merely a pencil. And it is spreading very very cheap ideas very very quickly.
i literally dont care what your excuse for using AI is. if you didnt put your own effort into making it im not putting my own effort into interacting with it.
49K notes
·
View notes
Text
Can we all talk about the fact that Sam did see Dean old? Sure he didn’t get to grow old alongside Dean and be able to compare/tease Dean about grey hairs & wrinkles and all that, but he did get to see his big brother old. I feel like that could of possibly been a bit of a comfort for Sam, even though Dean didn’t get the life Sam wanted for him.
#Spn 5x07#dean winchester#sam winchester#samdean#i made myself a bit sad thinking about this#like he did get to see Dean old#but just didn’t get to watch it actually happen#wincest
63 notes
·
View notes
Text
live drama adaptations part 2 (prev)
cast reveal and girls movie night 🔥
#i actually had the first three pages done for like. months now. and then i just forgot 🧍♂️#theres one more part to this but as to when ill finish that. haha#duck scribbles#minicomic tag#midoyuzu#and a bit of tomohaji on the side#doodles#enstars#midori takamine#hajime shino#yuzuru fushimi#tori himemiya#ibara saegusa#this is. a lot better quality than the first initial one amsdkjgshdgsmd i kindaa wanna redo it but its already a multiple part one i dont#think ill do that to myself rn akjdgskjwkjgjkd#its been 8 months i doubt anyone would remember the initial one but its ok u dont have to read it#i completely made up this manga and am now a little sad its not a thing that exists#i wish haruno was a real character i could post mangacaps of#thought too hard about it and there isnt any way to fit it into here but there is also a fourth character harunos childhood gyaru friend#also in love w her. she ends up having some sort of alliance with naoto but obviously its in vain too but its all chill#manga ends with haruno opening her dream cafe and asahi later joins her there after training a new team to take care of their old one#naoto becomes a regular there also w his new bf :] happy ending !!!#wow i have drawn Way too much lately. forgive me for such behavior ill probably be posting a lot less from here on out askjdgksjhgs#needed the food for when im away from my laptop for a week....#guess ill never get to finish that other lil comic i had planned for that sleepover drawing i made back during rarepair week </3#does anyone actually read these anyhow. i talk too much maybe
169 notes
·
View notes
Text
"I hope you told your brother how much you loved him, because you're probably never gonna see him again."
"..."
"Was that too dark?"
"YES!"
"Sorry."
#mario movie#mario move spoilers#super mario bros movie#super mario bros#mario and luigi#super mario bros movie spoilers#cherrysip edits#i was gonna make a different gifset today but then i found that new trailer and WELL HERE WE ARE lol#TOAD SERIOUSLY CAN YOU READ THE ROOM HERE???????????#first time in the town was kinda funny second time was genuinely a bit upsetting to the point that i gasped when i heard the dialogue#mario would prefer you Do Not Say Things Like That!!!!!!!#he is no way shape or form emotionally prepared to grapple with the idea of his brother being dead or never being able to find him#that would end him. that would destroy him. he would truly not know how to go on. so that is just firmly Not a Possibility in his brain#(and now i made myself REALLY sad thinking about mario remembering this conversation a little later and wondering#when WAS the last time he told luigi he loved him????? he can't remember. he loves his brother more than anything and anyone#but he hasn't said it outloud in so long and the realization of that is extremely painful. there's some more angst for you!!!)#anyway this is just a compilation of all the significant scenes where mario and luigi are actually together we've seen so far and I CRY#also the brand-new one of them running through town!!! omg it's perfect#with mario doing unnecessary parkour and luigi just diligently jogging along on the outside and avoiding the mess#the characterization even in the tiniest moments like this is truly CHEF'S KISS#will be working on more gifsets because my brain just needs to stare at all this until the movie comes out lololol
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
"Did I ever tell you about my Omega casino run in with the Blue Suns, Eclipse, and the Blood Pack Vorcha mafia? Five thousand credits and a bottle of whiskey?"
Ft. Staff Cmdr. Kaidan Alenko, Operations Chief Ashley Williams, Zaeed Massani, & Seven. Dominik Shepard. Phoebus. MIRA'S MORE CANON ME1.5 "Are you Phoebus?" AKA: Pt. 1 of some of what happens between ME1 and ME2 with the Vorcha mafia storyline. :) Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#dominik shepard#kaidan alenko#ashley williams#zaeed massani#mass effect#morecanonmasseffect#mass effect legendary edition#me#dailygaming#tw: gore#hi my name is mira and i like making very large gifsets of my blorbos :)#i made myself a little bit sad thinking of what the gang was getting up to when soph is dead during me1 and me2 but VORCHA MAFIA BABY#this is close enough to something i was working through in my noggin lmao#i think kaidan gets word from hackett that something went to shit out on omega with soph being out of the shade game#he ropes ash into it and zaeed takes leave from his n7 adjunct position on earth to come help too when he hears it’s vorcha mafia related :#as for sad times in my head i decided that zaeed is the one who goes to alchera and grabs all of soph’s guns when the normandy goes down :)#they’re all busted to shit so he takes all the time to fix them and remod them like she would have :) and he keeps her cobra :)#since she almost killed him with it when they first met :) he gives her widow to kaidan :) it’s the one he uses in the gifs :)#and he gives ash her valkyrie which is the one she picked up and started modding after he got dropped off at the villa to be with regis :)#i thought it would be fun if dom showed up to protect them after separating from cerbie but no one *knows* it’s dom :)#since he’s using an alias atp and he wants to protect them for soph since he’s starting to remember shit and that’s all he can do for her :#in my noggin he’s either wearing a mask or never takes his helmet off since they’re identical but i was not fucking with that in game lmao#i also think zaeed is the one who catches onto him and leads the rest of the group toward him with his contacts he still has on station :)#i think dom is tracking the vorcha mafia. part of me says everything just clicks into place right after he gives soph’s body to cerbie#and then everything rushes back at once for him and he heads to omega to start picking up where she left off before she was on the normandy#he honestly might be what hackett gives kaidan the heads up about. undecided. i’m still noodling :) but this was fun to conceptualize :)#i’m excited to pen this in the future! :) it needs more noodling :) for everyone honestly lol#my one final thought is that i do think kaidan picks up some of soph’s anger habits after she dies. i don’t think he does well at first#have a good day wherever you are friend as always!! 💙💙
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
*watches the prequel trilogy with the og trilogy once* GUYS I THINK I UNDERSTAND STAR WARS NOW
#star wars#I have enough chaotic thoughts that I could let this take over my blog for a short time but I probably won’t lol#it’s just that I spent the prequels going ‘ok but this is Bad’ a lot of the time#but then I followed them with the og trilogy (which I’d at least 60% seen before) and suddenly that new background information MADE SENSE#like. Darth Vader. he really IS protective of Luke from the get go. like. hello Anakin.#so like. parts of it are still a bit of a dumpster fire.#BUT I SEE THE FRAMEWORK NOW#brb thinking about Leia carrying her mother’s sadness. that’s a thought. ‘Beautiful and kind and sad’#like. just. oof.#I also actually understand why the prequels are Bad now which is fun and I’m temporarily obsessed with them#may watch TFA at some point because I wanna meet Rey and Finn but I will not complete the sequel trilogy lol#little bro says the sequels Aren’t Star Wars and I preemptively agree but I just wanna steal the good parts to add to my mind#may watch Rogue One at some point too#and then we’ll see if I submit myself to the devastation of the clone wars because I probably shouldn’t but also it would probably fix me#I’m gonna shut up now. I should get ready for bed.
23 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Physical media is forever (Patreon)
#Doodles#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#Vent#I'm trying to remember the last time I made a fandom vent rather than my sona.... Probably Vargas-something#*continues to project onto Max* He really is just like me fr#Probably pretty obvious what this is in reference to - turned a bit more malicious and intentional here#Something something it's easier to be angry at a source of intention than to be sad about coincidental bad luck#I'm not about to be thankful for a bad thing happening but the fallout thereof Is interesting in its own right#Like how this probably wouldn't have crossed my mind elsewise - nor would I have started and finished it all in one big sprint#Not much else I could do except get some of the feelings Out#Ft. some of the thoughts I had - self arguments to try to minimize(?) the hurt#Especially of just recreating it since so much of it was my thoughts - Max's dreams are just his subconscious right? Haha#But when you build something over the course of years there's these subtle builds that divorce Then from Now#Not to mention whatever stimuli at the time - if Max's life coincided with specific dreams and both are never repeated#One thing that I think about a lot - ironically haha - is that you only get to experience A Thing for the first time Once#You are then forever changed even if just in some small way - an action that can never be unactioned#Even otherwise recreating the perfect set of circumstances just won't produce the same outcome#It all threads into my thoughts on Legacy as well - if what we leave behind ceases to be - if our butterfly wings are blown out#It could happen at any point - posthumously or while we're still here - and how much does that change in the long run?#It's an interestingly depressing thought haha#It's also part of why I double down on art so so so much - a language that cuts to the core of me#Every picture worth 1000 words - hopefully enough to make up for however many lost (I did a rough estimate and it would've been ~380k)#Somewhere in there are the feelings that lost their voice - were big and loud enough to immortalize in graphite on paper#Scanned and uploaded and maybe even downloaded elsewhere in the world - preserved fourfold in a way a single file on a single computer isn't#Even if one is destroyed it's somewhere else; the danger of only having one copy a kind of trust in program or physicality but no guarantee#Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts - also part of why I tag to tag limit so often I want them saved somewhere outside myself#Seems silly to talk about the art too but I have thoughts there as well haha - like of Madame Vyer asking for Dex's lighter#Dex holding Max back - to protect him from the damage while forcing him to confront it cruelty cruelty
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I cannot rely on one person for me to be happy my happiness isn't allowed to be only triggered by one person I can be happy at every little thing it doesn't matter about this one person
#im in too far fucking deep again#and when he leaves again its gonna hurt just as much. but more.#finch posts#he makes me happy beyond belief and i goddamn love having a friend who knows me inside out and has done for so long#but. your love is my drug by kesha comes to mind. its fucking intoxicating talking to him#and last time he left (we were 12 and his parents moved their family) it made me kinda depressed and i was so fucking needy to talk to him#and now we're three and a half months into rekindling the friendship and i feel the same like i get really sad already >#>if i just dont talk to him for a couple of days without like a trip or friends or smthn else to entertain me#songs are starting to remind me of him#fuck fuck fuck#1am in the morning makes me too honrst#i think im still a bit (a lot) in love with them#ohmygod i dont even think it i know it#i should go to sleep earlier#it would stop me having so many thoughts#i havent seen him in multiple years but i can still imagine kissing him#oh fucking hell fuck my actual whole fucking life#and his closest friend where he lives now well they were starting to be a bit of a thing and surely its not fucking normal>#>to daydream about kissing a girl who ive literally never seen a photo of#holy fucking hell i am such a hopeless poly bisexual#WHY DONT WE REWRITE THE STARSSSS#oh this is circling round to my suspicions i might be kinda like demi romantic??#i should buy myself flowers . wait. no. i grow flowers 🫠#well i could still buy myself flowers . and i should#i need to go to the beach#cant wait to get a proper drivers license#if youve made it this far down my crisis hi youve gotten to the stage where u can tell what songs im listening to!
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#hello welcome ''it's midnight and angel is about to rant about something that nobody cares about nor should they!''#this time not even at midnight!!!#it's just that my fam is planing a huge huge life project sort of deal that i have no hope for becaus ei'm a pessimist by nature#i don't have hopes for the future. i barely have ambitions because of my lack of hope#and even the one ambition i do have i don't think it's gonna ever happen#as i say... no hope whatsoever#so this big project thingy that's gonna take so much time and so much money and so much hypotheticals...#it's not something i believe it's going to ACTUALLY happen#which sucks big time because i would love for it to happen#but my mom is a more hopeful person. stronger mentally and just not depressed like i am lol#so she's very much excited and planning and looking things up and telling me about it and just generally getting a bit ahead in my opinion#(but that's probably the pessimism talking)#anyways... she managed to sort of get ME going now and i got my hopes up a little bit#i could maybe potentially one day have something i really really want and been wanting since i was a child but never hoped to get#(you see. my lack of hope is not something new lol)#anyways we had a chat yesterday and i got waay too ahead of myself with my expectations and today it all went into the drain#because actually that big thing that was specifically for me? the one thing that actually made me excited? yeah that can't be actually...#and what sucks the most about this whole situation is that i like being pessimistic sometimes because i don't get disappointed#if i'm expecting everything to go wrong i'll either be right or be pleasantly surprised#so i'm so so angry at myself that i let the excitment filter through and then immediatley after got the dissapointment of a fucking lifetime#so now i not only feel sad i also feel so stupid#so anyways everything sucks and i was right in having no hope and no expectations#(also sorry to make a public rant and make it very vague#it's just that i don't even want to mention it in case it goes through my barriers again and i get more disappointments)#anyways i'm going to bed now#angel talks#personal
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.
Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.
Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.
It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...
This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.
I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#didnt mean to write this much about the concept but i really am so...#jealous almost. id love to be able to read my fic as a reader.#because it's tailor made to my tastes Exactly.#and i know it's good writing. i surprise myself even sometimes with how good things end up.#it's never a doubt in my mind that i'll make things good. even the harder things . while bringing trepitation . i know i'll figure them out.#the relationship a fic writer has with their own fic is so... yeah. intimate. but still somehow emotionally removed.#but thats how it goes with any art piece i think#the creator sees all the bits and pieces that went into it. remembers the thoughts as they made it#they know their work better than Anyone Else. but they'll never be able to experience it like an outsider.#is my fic helping someone through a rough breakup? is it something someone rereads when theyre sad?#is it a fic that people stay up way too late reading? the fic that someone discovers and consumes all within a day?#that voracious love. ive experienced it many times with other fics. but i can never experience it with my own.#but in the end. that's okay. i will just continue to do as i wish with it. and maybe people will continue to like it.#it is my goal to make a fic that people will never forget. what that may mean differs depending on the person.#i want it to be the best fic it can be. and i will make it so with every brick i lay down.#puttering about for days and weeks and months. it's Most of what i think about. it's my impact on the world.#and it's sitting for 3 hours after work in the storage room writing until im shivering but Satisfied with a productive writing session#it's writing some of my most emotional scenes while sitting for an hour on the toilet#no one else knows what the toilet written scenes are. but I Do. such is my relationship with my fic.#(the focus in the Quiet Rooms cannot be underestimated. the bathroom is indeed one of the Quiet Rooms lol)#& man. ive rambled so much now. but i just love my fic so very much#i'll never be an ITNL reader. and that's okay. because i'm its writer. & that's a status that No One Else can boast.#even those people who state that it's their Favorite favorite cant rival the intimacy of my own relationship with it.#I Am Its Writer and that means so very much to me.#i... really do love my fic y'all
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
people who characterize marcille as ‘oh that lesbian elf motivated so much by how she wants to bang her s/o’ literally don’t get it. a marcille who KNOWS shes a lesbian would be on a whole ‘nother level of “annoying about it.” insert joke about gay being a characters only trait level annoying. she still writes off her gay shit as gender envy, protectiveness, or solidarity. once she realizes , its all over. shes going to be getting into harmful intra/ter-community discourse on twitter before collapsing into a years-long disillusionment wreckage as all her online buddies either go entirely transmisogynistic or end up overcorrecting and becoming a different kinda queerscourse radical. she even takes the word ‘lesbian’ out of all her urls :-(. not because she isn’t one or its bad but bc its a painful reminder of a sense of pride that now exists only in memory. and eventually she changes it to FALINSC-💥
#these first notes were written before the massive tangent about the twitter lesbian torture tube:#this also applies if you headcanon her as bi & preferentially women-leaning#less so if still bi but not? but still there#anyways i’m a diehard lesbianmarciller but like not in a ‘oh the other interpretations suck shit’ wy#way#<- i say to myself trying to not turn into my own cartoonish self-charicature lmao#i mean straight marcille is. a choice. but even THAT isn’t. STRICTLY. Anti-canon. or anything. (why though….)#thats supposed to say ‘even’#EVEN straight marcie is a choice!#anyways my true enemies are people who hc falin as trans and marcie as cis. what the fuck. that sucks and i hate it.#if only one of them can be trans its obviously marcille do you honestly think falin would choose to be a woman and not nonbinary like her br#yknow what not even continuing that sentence it made me feel evil#just going along with the tag character limit there#‘his pronouns are they/them also you choose to be trans!!’ ass shit#reeling a bit from the debate (…. or rather my cool and good moms sad and bad retelling of it)#….the tangent about marcille get computer wasnt here originally. nor the joke about me projecting a chunk of personal shit on there#(which isn’t even really a statement to the cross-applicability -i’m more of a falin tgirl spiritually speaking - i just saw a shitton of#younger lesbians getting involved with a pretty horrendous cycle over the years so it ending up hiw MY experiences of those years went m’sel#self is fairly natural. mostly i just realized jaded 100something marcille would totally go for my url#more realistically marcie gets kicked out of her twitter sphere for having a contrapoints moment regarding her presentation and pronouns lol#i’m just saying words at this point
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
one time in art club last year we got to make whatever with some leftover clay and cookie cutters, and like. me and a friend made ducks but like Just a duck would be boring so we decided to make one duck beheaded and one a mutant with two heads
the friend with the beheaded duck died badly so now this object has like. magnified importance to me as. essentially a memento. maybe the beheaded duck was cursed? in turn an extra head probably means more life. which is nice for me.
#i’m going to be a year older than him soon which is weird to think about.#when he died i kinda blamed myself for a while for like… not being a better friend#in the last month he like. made advances toward me and like. he kinda avoided me after i turned him down#and we were like fast friends and had gotten close but like. i didn’t make an effort to reach out then#i don’t think his decisions were my fault. he was just in a position where like. he kinda didn’t have any path to a happy adulthood.#but i still think it wouldve made a difference if i had made the effort to cross over like. the baby gap that is friend awkwardness. rip#. sorry if this is sad to post about :( i’m not like in despair it’s just been weighing on me a bit
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's hard to have a good day like, mentally and emotionally but a bad day physically.
it's REALLY hard to do that twice in a row but we're going to try.
#i'm not doing the bit this time sorry#the POTS has been POTSing all over the place and i had to take a shower#so what *wasn't* THAT bad before is now VERY BAD and i'm like...#i'm nauseous i don't want to eat anything i can feel the pain starting so i do need to eat SOMETHING so i can take meds#but the concept of both making AND eating food is daunting and also gross feeling simultaneously#my heart is just constantly pounding and i haven't had any caffeine yet today#so my concerns that it was the monster making my shower reactions worse is absolutely not the case#because i'm fucking sitting here shaking like i just survived a car crash all due to having#*checks notes*#woken up made my bed and taken a shower. that's IT. that is ALL i have done so far#and i am trembling and shaking and weak and nauseous like i'm in shock or something this is BULLSHIT#i think i'm hungry too is the other problme i don't know for sure due ot the aforementioned other factors#so i bet eating would help a lot here#god i hate this so much right now i'm so mad#i had to dream about my family and being ignored and there were WILD swings between feeling horrible and feeling like things were improving#and i wouldn't be shocked if the symptoms i was having in my dream were happening in real time in my actual body too#i hate htis i hate htis i hate this#water salt compression socks WHAT ABOUT WHEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH HUH? WHAT THEN??? DO I JUST GOTTA LIVE LIKE THIS?????#*fuck* i'm so angry rn. and sad. i think i'm going to let myself cry and see what happens
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
some photos of my room :3 the more maximalist, the more recent (if you want to know the artist for any of my things just let me know!!)
#getting personal: i just redecorated my room and couldnt figure out why it made me feel so good. before realizing OH. ITS THE MATPAT.#showing off my room my home so UNIQUELY me nobody else could ever have this combination of shit i just printed out at the school library#really helps. look at my room look at Me. (and going home for winter break soon will make me not feel like Myself too..)#in conclusion look at my room :] look at me . im so sad im about to be torn from it for a bit.. but i can look at this photo set whenever i#missing it. ill be back! ill be home. and im home Right Now#AGAIN if u want the source of any of this art let me know!! its all reblogged on my blog here i think#and obviously im not profiting off of this printed out art any way its just to make me feel happy its just to make my room more Mine#wehhh.wehehehh903I439U238#MINE#CC
16 notes
·
View notes