#i know im healing and its gonna get better but
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#thw itch is flaring up tonight#im just gonna complain and mOVE ON#but arrrggggg#i know im healing and its gonna get better but#im just so tired of not being able to draw#i wanna get my commissions DONE i wanna work on my patreon#i just wanna get back into learning new art stuff#bwing cut off from art like this.....#idk man#feels real bad#and fustrating#and useless#and too easy to fall into some doom spiral#sigh#but it will pass i guess#the highlight to all this is that since im here at rock bottom ive kinda just embraced getring new hobbies#the muppet was very fun and its so tempting to make otacon or snake#hopwfully this week ill be able to go to tbe store and buy some balloons to start learning how to make balloon animals#then clean out the garage stuff and see if i can find any of my old magic trick props#or else i gotta invest into like facepainting or something#paper cut outs?#hmmmm we'll see......
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Scorpio
The most toxic man alive but also a very well trusted and respectable boss and leader of the Zodiac.
#my characters#truly the man is like a poisonous hedgehog... just makes poison quills and projectiles#and if his life is in danger and he is unable to actually think about it his body just exudes a toxic gas as a last measure#to try and protect himself but he doesnt actually have control over that one#so yeah most toxic guy around and very nice guy unless you ask Cancer who is his right hand man#Cancer is kinda divided on Scorpio bc yeah like sure he looks after everyone really well buuuuut#hes also kinda weird (to Cancer specifically) so like you know uhhhh kinda hard to be chill with that#and while im talking about them Cancer is a noncombative sign and is group heals#and he is a VERY skilled healer and can heal through your clothing which is most of his complaints with Scorpio who likes to just#remove his clothing when hurt and is like there now you can see it better#and yes hes aware it unsettles Cancer but! Cancer hasnt quit yet! so theres still hope in getting him to lighten up!#as a Gemini im gonna be honest Gemini is Scorpios number one fan and idolizes him#its totally fine im not projecting at all i promise#and in turn Scorpio is like ok we all know what the objective is correct? and everyone is like protect Gemini we know#and no actually that isnt wrong but at the same time not right....#hes a good boss ! which is unique to his group since this is in a plot with uhhh the seven deadly sins and other large groups#and none of them really have a designated boss - just the Zodiac#and when he isnt in the above outfit which is for battle he really likes fancy formal wear#so black slacks and shoes with a purple button up and then a black vest#and sometimes a tie but thats a little more rare and for SPECIAL occasions rather than the daily formal
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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man i love the people im surrounded with. how did this happen. youre all so lovely😭
#istg tumblr is the BEST place to find people#all my current online friends who im close asf with are people i found on here#my girl my besties hell even some of my mutuals i dont talk to bruh#almost all of em were found on here#who knew life would turn like this bro. who knew#its grateful hours rn stfu idc#like yall. i cannot put into words how much you mean to me#im finally getting out of a mental rut thats lasted me a few months (school related) (school just ended)#and the fact YALL STAYED BY ME???#its small nd yall r gonna be like dub miguel. friends do that#but i aint never had that#like the past three years around this same time i have lost people important to me and lost core support systems over and over and over#and it feels nice that im better enough/healed enough#and surrounded by people who truly care for me#that thats not the case anymore. its so liberating and god does it make me want to cry tears of gratefulness that this is my life now#i am loved in so many ways that i cannot even recount right now.#sorry maternity classes gang (group chat) im gonna lovedump later on you tonight probably#man. mann.#this is my life#like#/pos#thats so lovely man.#wanna namedrop yall so bad bc people deserve to know you all and deserve to know how beautiful and loving you are#but ik i shouldnt for privacy😭#ily all tho#even if we aint talk much ur presence is always appreciated by me#sorry sorry ill shut up now😭#indigo speaks#yapping
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#ive had. extremely hard time already processing this year tbh#both old grief and new grief. its just a lot#i know i dont have to do everything immediately. things dont have to get better overnight and most likely they wont#i mean. they havent#just. saw this and it made me think. probably too much but im an emotional mess at all times either way#i would just like things to be different. i know its a lot to ask and its mostly in my hands for myself but.. yeah#its just not easy. and im not dealing with it very well. i dont know#been trying to tell myself the usual. time doesnt heal it changes you. im going through difficult things and thats okay#i just.. i guess i just hoped this year would be different. so far it hasnt been its been worse#i dont know what the point of me posting this is. i just need to vent a little i guess#this is not gonna be an easy week for me and im not looking forward to it. like said grief is a very difficult thing for me#difficult and new. im trying but its hard. i dont know how im gonna make it this year#anyways. sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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Realizing you have ocd is so wild bc like what?? I thought that was normal anxiety
#i never had any of the somebodys gonna die or get hurt obsessions#just bad feeling/vibes if i didnt do the compulsion#hehe#but its been so nice being able to be like#this is ocd#and knowing how to help myself lmao#mine#i havent really been active in the last year bc my social battery is nonexistent#and if i have people irl i cant focus as much online#its annoying#i wish i could balance it better#but ive learned so much about myself#and gone so far in the healing journey#im so much better#and i almost cant believe it#turns out all i needed was someone to say its okay to pause#and focus on yourself instead of work#and now here we are :D
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looking up info on keloid scarring is so helpful. thanks man I didn't think of trying that one
#well actually that kind of is relevant bc ive been trying to find more info abt tattooing keloid prone skin#which is effectively opting to wound urself. but everywhere is just like if ur keloid prone ummm. Don't do it 👍#theres not enough known abt keloids to predict if theyll be triggered or not by the healing process like it depends on so many things#i mostly get them from acne scars. but they dont always immediately appear sometimes its weeks or months after#n once u get them theyre permanent. treatments for them have a 100% rate of recurrence n will grow back bigger if u try to excise them#and they cant be tattooed over like other scars bc they dont hold ink n the irritation can cause them to get bigger too#it depends a lot on the tattoo artists skill/experience ig like u have to know Exactly how deep ur tattooing + how the wound will heal#bc if healing triggers keloids. well ill just end up with permanent scarring instead theres nothing i can do if it happens#which honestly might still look cool but its unpredictable bc they tend to extend past the original wound. n it wouldnt scar uniformly#urgh. i should probably talk to a gp n an actual tattooist abt it. i could ask to get like a rly small tattoo to test how my skin reacts#pointless thinking abt rn anyway cuz im not gonna get one any time soon i have some other shit to sort before that#but it would be so frustrating if i cant i have so many tattoo ideas i do rly want them.... :-(#ah well whatever.. im just procrastinating doing shit i need to crack on bc i cant spend another entire weekend doing nothing#after a month n a half of being on meds i feel like theyre becoming less effective. my task paralysis n focus is getting worse again :(#like its taking more and more effort its been rly noticeable at work. hoping its just bc of general mental health or poor sleep or smth#and not that im building tolerance or smth bc man. what else can i even do if that happens#this is gonna make me miserable to think abt so lets go do smth else!#at least i woke up feeling tons better today 💪💪💪 storm passed baby#.diaries
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Just had some of the best cracks in my body
#now im ready to go to sleep#tbh my chiropractor and kine really were like: okay you have chronic pain and problems but we gonna give you the best tips to#to relax your muscles and body when Its possible#and for real i sleep so much better since doing them#like my body can finally relax a bit#like ofc Not so much but more and more#and i helps with breathing stress and other thigns#so yeah tbh going to them changed my life#like now im at least once in a week Not so much in pain#and do i know how i relax my body#for reall i don’t get why Not every person in stress does this?#bcs your body suffers but like at least we can (try to) heal it hen thuis#chronic pain#actually autistic#asd#autistic#actually autism#autistic things#hyperflexible
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ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧ happy new years my loves!! i am so so SO beyond grateful to have had the pleasure of growing my lil city & was able to meet all of you!! whether we interact only briefly or on the daily just know i appreciate & adore every single one of you more than words can possibly describe ໒꒰ྀིㅅ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i wouldn’t be half the person i am if it weren’t for you guys <33 & im so proud to say that i have made some amazing forever friends (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)⁾⁾⁾ ik this yr wasn’t easy & it def had its struggles but everyday you continued to show up & be your v best self & i am so proud of you <33 i just know you’re going to continue to do even MORE amazing things!! ໒꒰ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩꒱ྀི১ 2024 is our yr!! <33 i am kissin your noses so gently as the ball drops!! mwah!!
#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!#okay i’m ab to get a lil soft ૮꒰ྀི ∩៸៸៸∩ ꒱ྀིა im feelin WEEPY!!!#but i remember tellin my bestie that i wanted to rlly get back into tumblr again & im so glad i did bc i got to meet all of YOU!!#i’ve done a lot of healing in these past yrs + made rlly stupid mistakes + tried everyday to better from them & it was HARD & i learned SM#after growing & coming to terms w my past & moving toward my future i’ve happy to say i am the happiest i’ve ever been <3#& no matter what i was feeling if it was a particularly hard brain day you guys never stopped treating me like i was human <3#& for that i truly thank you ໒꒰ྀི ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i lost a lot but im determined to get it back & then some!! bc im not my mistakes!!#i’m what i’ve learned from them!! & i am only continuing to be my best self every single day!!#i just hope you guys know you mean the world to me ໒꒰ྀི ∩´﹏`∩ ꒱ྀིა & idk what i’d do w/out my fave neighbors & city pals!! <33#i can’t wait to make so many more memories w you all in the new yr!! ᜊ꒰ ᜊ ´ ˘꒱ ੭♡ cheers to us bbys!! i just know its gonna be amazing!! <3#smoochin you all on midnight tonight + tmrw & every midnight after that <33 i love you all endlessly ૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ `∩꒱ྀིა
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#its one of those days where i dont have anything (finally) but wanna do too many things and then i end up with nothing#also i feel sick again or still at this point i dont know anymore#but thats a thing so ive been gearing up the courage to go to get groceries despite feeling im gonna pass out in order to get things that#will make me feel better. anyway woke up to loads of content and wanting to gif half of it update louisphoto draw this post that#post my own pics still. post this vid to tumblr search for that one there like girl pls just pipe ur shit go back to bed actually#at least its sunday and im not also supposed to be working on top of all that so i got that going for me which is nice#i cant remember the last time i had a day of nothing and also didnt feel sick tho so i dont have that going for me which is less#just gonna throw some music in my ears and hoping thatll heal me#maybe play minecraft klsdjflksdjsd
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having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.
#ow.err#IN WHAT WORLD ARE MEN PAID LESS THAN WOMEN.#like. i shouldnt be surprised he said that bc he watched and/rew t/ate and jo/e rog/an so like. of fucking course he'd think that.#but like dude. you have no idea what youre talking about.#and there is NO WAY im gonna even try to tell him otherwise bc he is. loud. yk.#im just gonna. leave that there. bc its not my responsibility to 'fix' my parents as much as id love to try.#its just not my responsibility. and itll prob just end in me getting screamed at anyways since they wont listen to me or anything i say#cuz im still a kid in their eyes ! ! ! !!!! ! ! so cool ! ! ! ! ! !#almost 20. father doesnt think i know how to wake myself up w/o being woken up by someone else.#SO INSULTING BTW. i always get up on time. no matter what. nearly 20 and he thinks im a fking child still#both my mom and dad do but my dad does it in an 'underestimating' me way and my mom does it in a 'tries to overly coddle me' way#you know? i dunno. i dunno. i wanna move out but money is so fked rn. and idk how to do like. anything. so im just...#gonna do my classes and try to get a nice job and save up for awhile before i actually move out to my own place#im also kind of scared bc idk if ill have the. will to care for myself once i move out. like im worried ill just let myself die#sso. things to. work on before i get out of here i guess. but the thing is this environment will not let me heal. ahhh !!!!!!!!!#the only way out is through!!! through and scared!!!!!!!!!!!! tmrw marks the start of my life potentially starting to change. for the bette#but still changing. and oh man. im very nervous. its scary#cuz like. i didnt think id live past like 12 ??? so to be almost 20 and very behind on 'adult things' is. scary?daunting?#it all almost feels unreal. like im reaching a part of my life i never thought id actually reach. it feels like ive been living on#borrowed time since 12 so now im like. damn i have to live dont i. i have to actively make this life worth living now#some days i still worry itll be my last but ... im just gonna try to take it one step at a time. its all i can do.#be as prepared as i can. and take it one step at a time. i clutch onto the hope that my life will get better#and i clutch onto it with an iron grip. because damn it. it has to get better than this. it has to.#wow this got derailed. oh well my poast my rules.
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Mr. Kitty save me.
Mr. Kitty
Save me Mr. Kitty
#ohhhh man im in my fucking feels rn#music helps but sometimes its literally just like “oh fuck man im mentally ill” omg this song is so me#thats all I hear from them is that general “i am VERY unwell” feel. which is so me rn like. god damn#all that buildup of self hate regrets flashbacks and other shit. forcing myself to do well and eat every day and fucking actually sleep and#all that shit. its so fucked like. the better i do the worse i react afterwards like im on a kick rn that i should delete everyone and like.#isolate myself completely and let it all take over. i know im starting to enter that final trial of “are you sure you'd rather heal?” and my#brain is testing me but im so scared im gonna fail. like ono im gonna choose to get worse i can just feel it.#and its not the average worse before it gets better i think im just gonna suck bad balls for a minute there. im so scared all the time#system babbles#im scared im not gonna love myself enough to stay as safe as ive been. im very afraid.#inthrum#im actually so scared its like not even funny and nothing comforts me rn
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❤
#sometimes i hate myself so much because im not everything i thought i was which was okay before he came in i felt i was enough in rascal way#but as i said he comes around anx the armor falls anx when you get so vulnerable to a person there's isn't any boundary of where you start#and where you end to them because they make you feel like you're gonna melt ans stay. at their feet like you wanna worship#and believe in only thing ever#its like part of you reveal that comes from deep rooted insecurities and ill thoughts that you've been covering in front of other people#in like a cool person persona#and of course you know all along you're fucked in head and of course you're aware of yourself but it's not like being aware theoretically#maybe its because you also become the person you love and through their eyes you see yourself so naked that every little didn't previously#mattered flaw becomes obvious#and most of the time as i began you hate yourself#but the love you receive its so insurmountable it feels like it fills all your gaps and holes and radiates like a healing wound#as they show in cartoons#and then you realize it wasn't for bad its for better so much better#and you wanna scream on top of your lungs#HEY I WANNA GET BETTER!! FOR YOU BABY!!!! ILL SCRATCH AND STAB AND DISAPPOINT MYSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE#IN ORDER TO BE A BETTER PERSON IN ORDER TO NEVER HURT ANS DISAPPOINT YOU#its like that bleachers song#thank you universe for whatever your ways are in making me feel so human
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......
#i just#i have to complain about this#but it will stress out my loved ones 😅😅#ripped my nipple in half saturday night#caught the piercing ripped it out through the graft#it... was healing back together but the skin graft left me topographical#my nipple wont heal on the second half... so this morning i put in a stitch#I JUST. AM TOO STUBBORN TO GO AND PAY FOR SOMETHING I CAN DO MYSELF#i know how to stitch myself#it barely hurt at all and i have good thread scissors i can cut it out with 🤣#i just. fuck this is an ordeal#i think its gonna be fime now that i've got a suture in there#but fuck im gonna throw up if i think about it too hard 🤣#two years after top surgery and yunno what? even after all this? i regret nothing 🤣#i WILL be getting the bars replaced with rings after this tho 😅 once it heals#anyway i feel better. thanks for coming to my ted talk jahdbdbdbr#id say delete later but i wont
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