#i know im healing and its gonna get better but
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#thw itch is flaring up tonight#im just gonna complain and mOVE ON#but arrrggggg#i know im healing and its gonna get better but#im just so tired of not being able to draw#i wanna get my commissions DONE i wanna work on my patreon#i just wanna get back into learning new art stuff#bwing cut off from art like this.....#idk man#feels real bad#and fustrating#and useless#and too easy to fall into some doom spiral#sigh#but it will pass i guess#the highlight to all this is that since im here at rock bottom ive kinda just embraced getring new hobbies#the muppet was very fun and its so tempting to make otacon or snake#hopwfully this week ill be able to go to tbe store and buy some balloons to start learning how to make balloon animals#then clean out the garage stuff and see if i can find any of my old magic trick props#or else i gotta invest into like facepainting or something#paper cut outs?#hmmmm we'll see......
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why cant my dad just do things for himself once and awhile im so tired of this
#he has physical issues and mental but bro he doesnt even try to help himself#hes in pain constantly and wont do jack shit about it#and he KNOWS if he starts doing a little more than sit and watch tv all day he'll feel atleast slightly better#the healing process is painful both physically and mentally but he hasnt even started it#he makes me so mad oh my god#i grew up with my mom telling me “he acts that way because hes in pain” DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT#he literally tries nothing. hes gonna die in the next 10 years#hes unhealthy and overweight and barely eats and his teeth are all messed up and he cant eat anything without it hurting like hell#but nooo he wont go to the dentist noooo#we HAVE insurance its not like a money thing jesus christ#ive barely had a father because of this he's constantly in pain and so he doesnt want to talk to anyone hes threatened to hit mymom and#later blamed it on his back pain#oh my god i cannot live with him anymore im so tired of it#he doesnt even.work my mom has to work until night to feed us and keep this house running and then my dad buys random shit off the Internet#and then fucking turns around and YELLS at my mom after she gets home from a looong day of work asking Why she spends so much money#its HER money. idgaf if you share a bank account or whatever its HERS she earned all of that and spends it on shit YOU NEED.#he has brought NOTHING to this family for the last 10 years besides being a father andhe DOESNT EVEN DO THAT#ohhh and his medicine he takes for all this pain “helps him” no the fuck it doesnt hes still in somuch pain. and then it makes him tired#and he sleeps all day ohmygod#hes just there at this point. i come home and dont even look at him cuz i Know hes sitting in that stupid chair in the living room#ive tried so hard to understand that “oh he's just..acting like that cuz hes in pain and .cant help it” I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE#it feels like i barely have a father#and the audacity he has to boss me around. like i understand im your child but oh my god let me live. i dont wanna end up like you#okay hes in pain yeah? DO SOMETHING ABOUT. IT that is NO excuse to be a shitty dad. NO excuse#oh yeah i have a dad but hes emotionally distant and never sees me becausehe wont get off his lazy ass#but yet i cant stop loving him. hes so much like me sometimes and that scares me#im going mad okay
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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man i love the people im surrounded with. how did this happen. youre all so lovely😭
#istg tumblr is the BEST place to find people#all my current online friends who im close asf with are people i found on here#my girl my besties hell even some of my mutuals i dont talk to bruh#almost all of em were found on here#who knew life would turn like this bro. who knew#its grateful hours rn stfu idc#like yall. i cannot put into words how much you mean to me#im finally getting out of a mental rut thats lasted me a few months (school related) (school just ended)#and the fact YALL STAYED BY ME???#its small nd yall r gonna be like dub miguel. friends do that#but i aint never had that#like the past three years around this same time i have lost people important to me and lost core support systems over and over and over#and it feels nice that im better enough/healed enough#and surrounded by people who truly care for me#that thats not the case anymore. its so liberating and god does it make me want to cry tears of gratefulness that this is my life now#i am loved in so many ways that i cannot even recount right now.#sorry maternity classes gang (group chat) im gonna lovedump later on you tonight probably#man. mann.#this is my life#like#/pos#thats so lovely man.#wanna namedrop yall so bad bc people deserve to know you all and deserve to know how beautiful and loving you are#but ik i shouldnt for privacy😭#ily all tho#even if we aint talk much ur presence is always appreciated by me#sorry sorry ill shut up now😭#indigo speaks#yapping
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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#ive had. extremely hard time already processing this year tbh#both old grief and new grief. its just a lot#i know i dont have to do everything immediately. things dont have to get better overnight and most likely they wont#i mean. they havent#just. saw this and it made me think. probably too much but im an emotional mess at all times either way#i would just like things to be different. i know its a lot to ask and its mostly in my hands for myself but.. yeah#its just not easy. and im not dealing with it very well. i dont know#been trying to tell myself the usual. time doesnt heal it changes you. im going through difficult things and thats okay#i just.. i guess i just hoped this year would be different. so far it hasnt been its been worse#i dont know what the point of me posting this is. i just need to vent a little i guess#this is not gonna be an easy week for me and im not looking forward to it. like said grief is a very difficult thing for me#difficult and new. im trying but its hard. i dont know how im gonna make it this year#anyways. sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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Realizing you have ocd is so wild bc like what?? I thought that was normal anxiety
#i never had any of the somebodys gonna die or get hurt obsessions#just bad feeling/vibes if i didnt do the compulsion#hehe#but its been so nice being able to be like#this is ocd#and knowing how to help myself lmao#mine#i havent really been active in the last year bc my social battery is nonexistent#and if i have people irl i cant focus as much online#its annoying#i wish i could balance it better#but ive learned so much about myself#and gone so far in the healing journey#im so much better#and i almost cant believe it#turns out all i needed was someone to say its okay to pause#and focus on yourself instead of work#and now here we are :D
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Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;
I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.
My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day
I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.
I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.
Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing
If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately
#self harm mention#<- in the tags#vent#im sorry ill delete this later#ok im gonna try to sleep now and my queue will just post while im gone. as always#i am so tempted to stay offline for another month but i know that will be bad for me#i need to make love notes again. try to self ship again. but i dont feel anything for any f/os#i self harmed at work last night in the storage closet just to feel physical pain for 2 seconds instead of intense anxiety#why do i feel like i did a year ago?? why am i suddenly So Fucking Bad right now??#why am i relapsing so fucking hard?????#no. i know why. but i cant do anything to control/fix that situation so. cool. coolcoolcool#i am just doomed to never heal i think this is my new life now im just always gonna be dealing with this#i never would have imagined my life would ever get this bad. i wish i could go back in time#idk how to explain to ppl without cptsd this shit just EATS at you every single second youre alive#i cant function and i thought id be better by now but im not. i keep reliving everything that happened to me and i cant relax#ok i need to sleep its 6am. ill queue this for. whenever i dont care it doesnt matter#im sorry if i end up not answering any dms today im Going Thru It
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looking up info on keloid scarring is so helpful. thanks man I didn't think of trying that one
#well actually that kind of is relevant bc ive been trying to find more info abt tattooing keloid prone skin#which is effectively opting to wound urself. but everywhere is just like if ur keloid prone ummm. Don't do it 👍#theres not enough known abt keloids to predict if theyll be triggered or not by the healing process like it depends on so many things#i mostly get them from acne scars. but they dont always immediately appear sometimes its weeks or months after#n once u get them theyre permanent. treatments for them have a 100% rate of recurrence n will grow back bigger if u try to excise them#and they cant be tattooed over like other scars bc they dont hold ink n the irritation can cause them to get bigger too#it depends a lot on the tattoo artists skill/experience ig like u have to know Exactly how deep ur tattooing + how the wound will heal#bc if healing triggers keloids. well ill just end up with permanent scarring instead theres nothing i can do if it happens#which honestly might still look cool but its unpredictable bc they tend to extend past the original wound. n it wouldnt scar uniformly#urgh. i should probably talk to a gp n an actual tattooist abt it. i could ask to get like a rly small tattoo to test how my skin reacts#pointless thinking abt rn anyway cuz im not gonna get one any time soon i have some other shit to sort before that#but it would be so frustrating if i cant i have so many tattoo ideas i do rly want them.... :-(#ah well whatever.. im just procrastinating doing shit i need to crack on bc i cant spend another entire weekend doing nothing#after a month n a half of being on meds i feel like theyre becoming less effective. my task paralysis n focus is getting worse again :(#like its taking more and more effort its been rly noticeable at work. hoping its just bc of general mental health or poor sleep or smth#and not that im building tolerance or smth bc man. what else can i even do if that happens#this is gonna make me miserable to think abt so lets go do smth else!#at least i woke up feeling tons better today 💪💪💪 storm passed baby#.diaries
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Just had some of the best cracks in my body
#now im ready to go to sleep#tbh my chiropractor and kine really were like: okay you have chronic pain and problems but we gonna give you the best tips to#to relax your muscles and body when Its possible#and for real i sleep so much better since doing them#like my body can finally relax a bit#like ofc Not so much but more and more#and i helps with breathing stress and other thigns#so yeah tbh going to them changed my life#like now im at least once in a week Not so much in pain#and do i know how i relax my body#for reall i don’t get why Not every person in stress does this?#bcs your body suffers but like at least we can (try to) heal it hen thuis#chronic pain#actually autistic#asd#autistic#actually autism#autistic things#hyperflexible
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ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧ happy new years my loves!! i am so so SO beyond grateful to have had the pleasure of growing my lil city & was able to meet all of you!! whether we interact only briefly or on the daily just know i appreciate & adore every single one of you more than words can possibly describe ໒꒰ྀིㅅ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i wouldn’t be half the person i am if it weren’t for you guys <33 & im so proud to say that i have made some amazing forever friends (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)⁾⁾⁾ ik this yr wasn’t easy & it def had its struggles but everyday you continued to show up & be your v best self & i am so proud of you <33 i just know you’re going to continue to do even MORE amazing things!! ໒꒰ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩꒱ྀི১ 2024 is our yr!! <33 i am kissin your noses so gently as the ball drops!! mwah!!
#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!#okay i’m ab to get a lil soft ૮꒰ྀི ∩��៸៸∩ ꒱ྀིა im feelin WEEPY!!!#but i remember tellin my bestie that i wanted to rlly get back into tumblr again & im so glad i did bc i got to meet all of YOU!!#i’ve done a lot of healing in these past yrs + made rlly stupid mistakes + tried everyday to better from them & it was HARD & i learned SM#after growing & coming to terms w my past & moving toward my future i’ve happy to say i am the happiest i’ve ever been <3#& no matter what i was feeling if it was a particularly hard brain day you guys never stopped treating me like i was human <3#& for that i truly thank you ໒꒰ྀི ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i lost a lot but im determined to get it back & then some!! bc im not my mistakes!!#i’m what i’ve learned from them!! & i am only continuing to be my best self every single day!!#i just hope you guys know you mean the world to me ໒꒰ྀི ∩´﹏`∩ ꒱ྀིა & idk what i’d do w/out my fave neighbors & city pals!! <33#i can’t wait to make so many more memories w you all in the new yr!! ᜊ꒰ ᜊ ´ ˘꒱ ੭♡ cheers to us bbys!! i just know its gonna be amazing!! <3#smoochin you all on midnight tonight + tmrw & every midnight after that <33 i love you all endlessly ૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ `∩꒱ྀིა
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#its one of those days where i dont have anything (finally) but wanna do too many things and then i end up with nothing#also i feel sick again or still at this point i dont know anymore#but thats a thing so ive been gearing up the courage to go to get groceries despite feeling im gonna pass out in order to get things that#will make me feel better. anyway woke up to loads of content and wanting to gif half of it update louisphoto draw this post that#post my own pics still. post this vid to tumblr search for that one there like girl pls just pipe ur shit go back to bed actually#at least its sunday and im not also supposed to be working on top of all that so i got that going for me which is nice#i cant remember the last time i had a day of nothing and also didnt feel sick tho so i dont have that going for me which is less#just gonna throw some music in my ears and hoping thatll heal me#maybe play minecraft klsdjflksdjsd
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having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.
#ow.err#IN WHAT WORLD ARE MEN PAID LESS THAN WOMEN.#like. i shouldnt be surprised he said that bc he watched and/rew t/ate and jo/e rog/an so like. of fucking course he'd think that.#but like dude. you have no idea what youre talking about.#and there is NO WAY im gonna even try to tell him otherwise bc he is. loud. yk.#im just gonna. leave that there. bc its not my responsibility to 'fix' my parents as much as id love to try.#its just not my responsibility. and itll prob just end in me getting screamed at anyways since they wont listen to me or anything i say#cuz im still a kid in their eyes ! ! ! !!!! ! ! so cool ! ! ! ! ! !#almost 20. father doesnt think i know how to wake myself up w/o being woken up by someone else.#SO INSULTING BTW. i always get up on time. no matter what. nearly 20 and he thinks im a fking child still#both my mom and dad do but my dad does it in an 'underestimating' me way and my mom does it in a 'tries to overly coddle me' way#you know? i dunno. i dunno. i wanna move out but money is so fked rn. and idk how to do like. anything. so im just...#gonna do my classes and try to get a nice job and save up for awhile before i actually move out to my own place#im also kind of scared bc idk if ill have the. will to care for myself once i move out. like im worried ill just let myself die#sso. things to. work on before i get out of here i guess. but the thing is this environment will not let me heal. ahhh !!!!!!!!!#the only way out is through!!! through and scared!!!!!!!!!!!! tmrw marks the start of my life potentially starting to change. for the bette#but still changing. and oh man. im very nervous. its scary#cuz like. i didnt think id live past like 12 ??? so to be almost 20 and very behind on 'adult things' is. scary?daunting?#it all almost feels unreal. like im reaching a part of my life i never thought id actually reach. it feels like ive been living on#borrowed time since 12 so now im like. damn i have to live dont i. i have to actively make this life worth living now#some days i still worry itll be my last but ... im just gonna try to take it one step at a time. its all i can do.#be as prepared as i can. and take it one step at a time. i clutch onto the hope that my life will get better#and i clutch onto it with an iron grip. because damn it. it has to get better than this. it has to.#wow this got derailed. oh well my poast my rules.
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syscourse stuff in tags
#feel like im gonna get crucified for expressing opinions on syscourse but whatever#i dont think endo systems exist but not in the sense of#'this person is faking being a system and invading the space of actual systems'#more like 'supposedly endogenic systems are probably just traumagenic systems who dont understand/realize that theyre traumatized'#i feel like the definitions of trauma are far too rigid. ppl think it takes a lot to be traumatized but its honestly very little#like. i dont know concretely what traumatized me. i have one idea but even that doesnt cover all of how im traumatized#does that make me not traumatized? no! absolutely not!#i still experience symptoms of trauma as well as having several trauma disorders. and i feel like the same can be said for a lot of endos.#ignoring signs and symptoms of trauma in favor of being like 'well i dont remember being traumatized so i must not have trauma' is. Not Good#and i feel like a lot of endos miss out on opportunites to better themselves and heal from trauma bc theyre so set on not being traumagenic#anyway. thats my ramble.
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Mr. Kitty save me.
Mr. Kitty
Save me Mr. Kitty
#ohhhh man im in my fucking feels rn#music helps but sometimes its literally just like “oh fuck man im mentally ill” omg this song is so me#thats all I hear from them is that general “i am VERY unwell” feel. which is so me rn like. god damn#all that buildup of self hate regrets flashbacks and other shit. forcing myself to do well and eat every day and fucking actually sleep and#all that shit. its so fucked like. the better i do the worse i react afterwards like im on a kick rn that i should delete everyone and like.#isolate myself completely and let it all take over. i know im starting to enter that final trial of “are you sure you'd rather heal?” and my#brain is testing me but im so scared im gonna fail. like ono im gonna choose to get worse i can just feel it.#and its not the average worse before it gets better i think im just gonna suck bad balls for a minute there. im so scared all the time#system babbles#im scared im not gonna love myself enough to stay as safe as ive been. im very afraid.#inthrum#im actually so scared its like not even funny and nothing comforts me rn
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