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ryuichirou · 1 year ago

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I been wondering what would it be like for the cast to be parents? I seen how Idia and Azul will likely be terrible ones and I am curious for the rest. (Except for Lilia for obvious reasons)

Anon! Sorry for the late reply. The day has come for me to share with you my nrc-as-parents headcanons lol I’ve mentioned this theme a little bit in one of the previous replies about Azul and Idia a while ago, and I’ll reiterate: we usually don’t really love the scenarios than involve characters becoming parents, and because of that I probably ended up talking about how bad of a parent all of them are lol But I tried to make it as fair as possible.

Actually, some of them turned out to be not so shitty ones! Which is quite surprising, not gonna lie.

Alright, so…

Riddle – such an anxious parent. One would assume that he would try not to mess his kid up as badly as his mom messed him up, but it’s Riddle we’re talking about; he’s still super dependant on tutorials and rulebooks, and whether he wants to acknowledge and avoid his parents’ mistakes or not, he’ll end up overthinking it and messing up massively. I guess it all depends on his partner, but he’d need a lot of help. He’s going to copy his mother until somebody stops him, although at some times he would think “I was actually very upset when my mother did that, I should stop”, but he wouldn’t be able to catch or even see all these moments, especially on his own.

Trey – “oh he is the perfect dad!” I hear the crowd saying. “NO!!!” I’m yelling back at the crowd. Of course, he is super caring and empathetic and has experience with children. And looking at some of the other…. Uh… contestants… of course, Trey is one of the best. But he is also an enabler that spoils his kids rotten. He’s way too doting. He’s strict about their dental hygiene! But other than that? Nah.

Cater – god I don’t think Cater would ever want a kid. I think he would think that unless he has a perfect and stable life with a house and no need to move anytime soon, it’d be too irresponsible to get a kid. But even then, he would be so focused on not messing up his kid (and he would only have one because siblings sucks) that he would probably make things worse lol He would also probably try to make everything seems perfect and his kid really wouldn’t appreciate it when they get older.

Ace – he’s the dad that doesn’t pay child support and visits them like once or twice every other week. I know I judge him based on his younger self, but I don’t feel like this guy is getting mature or responsible anytime soon. He’s the type of parent that always looks hella confused about what to do with a kid, especially when they’re too young/too old to appreciate his sick magic tricks. He’s not heartless, he just doesn’t get it and gets frustrated because of that and doesn’t want to continue trying.

Deuce – he would try to do his best. He would actually be quite a nice parent, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t make mistakes or get frustrated. He’ll mess up A LOT; he’s just very good at learning from his mistakes and knows how important it is to have a good parent. And his mom would help out a lot.

Leona – distant, lazy, always salty at someone for some reason. The type of dad who could technically brag about his kid to someone, but when the kid is there he just sits on a couch and watches tv in silence. He gets inspired to teach his kid how to throw a ball from time to time, but he’s also the type of a dad to miss the perfect timing for this kind of bonding and end up with a teenager who doesn’t want to hang out with him. Wow that went dark lol

Ruggie – on the one hand, he also has a lot of experience with taking care of children. On the other hand, his kid would know how to pickpocket at the age of 2. Just in case. His kid would love him a lot, but he’s definitely not the most conventional dad one could have. He’d also never have a child without any sort of financial stability because he doesn’t want his child to be raised up in the streets.

Jack – oh come on, he would be such a good father that it’s actually boring, NEXT!!!

Azul – Riddle’s mom 2.0. I’m sorry, this is the hill I’m going to die on. Yes, Azul was loved by his family and surrounded by nothing but support and care, but he’s also a psychotic control-freak that truly believes that he was too spoiled and that his parents should have been MORE STRICT WITH HIM!!! So in his head, the best thing he could do is to make sure that his kid knows magic by the age of 3, knows how to work with contracts by the age of 5, learns how to play an instrument, does sports, knows how to cook, has perfect pronunciation and vocabulary, and oh of course the kid also needs to have a hobby because if they don’t have anything they’re passionate about they’ll never succeed in life! Azul is overbearing lol but he is also probably overly protective of his kid. He’d also yell at his mom for spoiling her grandchildren lol but his mom would make a great counterbalance for his attitude with her being sweet, so it’s not that bad for a child...

Floyd – HE DOESN’T NEED A KID. PLEASE. HE AND JADE BOTH WOULD PIT TWO NEWBORNS AGAISNT EACH OTHER AND GO “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT”. But if we’re being honest, I just think he’s too volatile to be a proper parent. The possibility that he’d get bored and just ditch this whole parenting thing altogether is too high lol

Jade – If we don’t go the “baby wrestling” scenario, he’s… confusing. He might be a wonderful dad who is surprisingly perfect at parenting and smiles at you with his “what, you thought I would be bad at it? too bad” smile. As if he’s doing it to spite everyone. As if he’s plotting something. But I can also picture him leaving his kid in a forest just to see if he would find his way home.

Kalim – Oh he’s the most doting dad ever. His kid would have everything they want, he’ll shower them with love, kisses, songs, tasty food, gifts, snacks, cool outfits. He would photograph everything and have tons of videos on his phone. He would talk about his kids all the time. He would be so obnoxious and insufferable, Jamil would actually ask him to PLEASE consider not spending half of their funds on his child’s birthday gift? You’ll literally go broke please stop PLEASE.

Jamil – he’s also probably the one not to have a kid for a very long time because of having too many irons in the fire. But he’d be an okay parent. His biggest problem would be the fact that he’s busy. His kid would probably be super mature from a very young age though. And learn how to cuss from Jamil. Jamil didn’t mean to teach them that, but oh fuck. But also I think he would somehow end up making some of the same mistakes his parents made with him. He’s way too focused on Kalim to notice that he pushes his kid away a lot hoping that they’ll “understand” because they’re “smart”.

Vil – he would be a solid one! He’s also super focused on his kid learning a bunch of stuff from a very young age, but he is much more mature and empathetic than Azul is about it. Still, he’s quite strict, but he’s also super doting when he has his soft moments. But sometimes he still takes his own perfectionism too far. He’s the one to read a lot of the books about parenting and try to be as prepared for it as possible. But mistakes are unavoidable so let’s hope that the great Vil Schoenheit shows his excellence at everything he does yet again.

Rook – oh the weirdo. He has his strong points, and a lot of them: he’s super supportive, super loving, he helps out a lot, and he would actually provide a good balance if the second parent is Vil for example. At the same time, it’s impossible to have a “normal childhood” when your dad is Rook, because he’ll teach you how to hunt, how to survive in the woods, how to hide your presence from a tiger. His kids will watch him snap a deer’s neck at the age of like 2. So yeah, on the one hand he would be that parent who yells in excitement at his kid’s elementary school play, but he’ll also give the most ruthless critique to them afterwards. He’ll show his kid the beauty of nature, but he’ll also leave them in the woods for a week to survive alone. Don’t worry, he believes in them~ (his kid and Jade’s kid would stumble upon each other in the same woods and become friends lol)

Epel – he’s too much of a baby… I can’t even picture him having a kid. What kind of a teen mom?.. He’s going to be too focused on this whole cute/manly stuff, this never ends well lol

Idia – the awkward and avoiding parent that kind of wants to hang out with the kid but also wants nothing to do with them. He doesn’t know how to act around them and it’s painfully obvious. So he might miss the moment to actually bond with them just like Leona, but on the other hand, if the other parent is Azul, Idia could be “the fun parent”: the type that you can eat ice-cream with and play videogames for hours. But when the videogaming and ice-cream eating hours are over, he’ll just stop communicating with the kid again and hide somewhere. He doesn’t like being a parent much; he’d prefer to be “a cool uncle” of sorts. The one that only comes to visit twice a year…

Ortho – an actual cool uncle lol I also can’t picture Ortho as a dad. He’d be a collection of all the dad tropes from the tv. He would have so much fun! Not sure of the kid would have fun though. But Ortho would!

Lilia – oh we all know how good of a father he is. The best one.

Silver – a very sweet and empathetic one, caring and protective; his main downfall is the fact that his own childhood was so messed up that he doesn’t really know how to care for kids. Of course he wouldn’t just drown a kid in milk like his own dad did, but he also wouldn’t automatically assume that it probably isn’t safe to just let his kid play with a sword on their own. Something among the lines.

Sebek – absolutely obnoxious. Sometimes he’s surprisingly good… because his childhood wasn’t as bad as Silver’s, so he knows better. He’s also the one to read a lot of books and hope that he won’t make any mistakes. But he’ll make mistakes, get frustrated and angry, and make even more mistakes. And then he’ll sing an ode to Malleus instead of a regular lullaby because the young one needs to learn what’s important from the very first days of their life!!!!!!111 Silver and he need each other to balance shit out lol

Malleus – he would try, but I don’t trust him to try hard enough lol he would be invested and loving at first, but he would also get moments when he would just leave a kid and go on a stroll. It would probably take some time for him to learn that he probably shouldn’t do this. Hey he went through the same thing, right? Was it fair then? Why isn’t it fair now? (besides, Silver also turned out alright!) Not everything is about you, Malleus…

#replies #headcanons

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lynamei · 5 days ago

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Why so many authors write shitty political plots?

Yes, you've read it right. Shitty political plots (or subplots), half-assed political power structures and dumb characters proclaimed political geniuses in every other line - that's the reality of far too many authors.

You read or watch that and at some point you want to pick your eyes out and cry bloody tears because what the actual hell? Where are those fantastic political intrigues I was promised? I want a refund.

You think it sounds dramatic? Well, it somewhat is, but people think it's normal when it comes to other industries. Not when it comes to entertainment though, so I guess people simply have to be more selective to avoid wasting their money on badly written books or films without promised genius plots.

The problem of many modern (and even some classic) authors is that they often do not understand a thing about politics and how society functions. Yet, instead of learning and researching or skipping the parts they are unsure of, outlining them with only light strikes, many continue detailing social and political sides of their story. Even more ridiculous (at least to me and some of my friends) is that some of those authors are often revered as geniuses of political intrigue and masters of clever plots.

Here is the place when some of those authors' fans would write that I should achieve something first before criticising others, especially authors whose books are fan-favourite and with millions copies being sold all over the world.

In my defense: I am not an expert in writing. I write fanfiction which is self-indulgent for the most part, and I write those for fun, not sell my stories for some good money like actual writers.

So, back to the question, because if you’ve gotten to this point you probably want to know the answer. It's pretty simple. The reason is that those authors either aren't really trying or they think so highly of themselves that there's nothing wrong with their unrealistic societies. Sometimes to the point that they don't even see how dysfunctional or two-dimensional their creations are.

And one doesn't have to be a professional to see that. Enough common sense will tell you when things don't work like that between people. And I’m not talking about irrational behaviour, people do things that make no sense all the time. But it's one thing when it's people, and completely another when it's the whole world.

In the end, I probably have read more stories with god awful political plots and subplots than I’ve read something decent (at least in that aspect). From my observations there are four common reasons for major failures in writing political plots in fiction:

1) Not enough research.

Sometimes people think they know everything there is to know about a specific country when in truth their knowledge is superficial at best and heavily stereotyped at worst. Even if you do know the mechanics of presidential elections in the USA, that doesn't mean that you know enough finer details to immerse your characters in the everyday life of the campaign. Unfortunately, all too often authors concentrate on the legal or factual side disregarding important nuances, like culture, tradition, unwritten rules.

Of course, in some cases it's next to impossible to get some information about those. But there's a difference between being unable to find something and being too lazy to put actual effort.

2) No real understanding.

This is not about the mechanics of political and social systems. It's about understanding the roots of the practices that comprise the foundation of society. Our philosophy professor in the university taught us one simple thing: you have to look at myth from the position of ancient people to start seeing something more than a fantastic tale. The same goes for many other things.

That being said, when writing a historical novel you should think about societal practices and norms of behaviour from the point of view of a person of relevant period of history. That means no writing about how slavery is unfair when your characters are people in Ancient Rome or China. We all know how it's fundamentally wrong but people at the time didn't think like that.

3) The mistake of complete reflection.

Here's the one people often do when writing fantastic or fantasy worlds based on real societies. They didn't account for differences that would be brought into their worlds by the existence of magic, other races or technology.

Like, a fantasy world where severe discrimination touches women, people of colour, foreigners, freed slaves and their descendants and people of some professions. At the same time elves and dwarves and any other races are left well alone or even accepted in society. That much would be highly unlikely (not impossible in a properly constructed world) because the basis for discrimination is the dichotomy Me-Other. And I’d imagine that people are more likely to see an entirely different race as Others. They're more different after all.

4) World building as the story goes.

Of course, that doesn't mean that you should make the first few chapters an info dump. But you should reveal the information over the course of the story, not compose it while you're writing. Otherwise your world will resemble a patchwork blanket of unknown shape and too many colours or textures. And that way you're only increasing the numbers of things that might not add up.

That would mean that you’d have to keep track of all the little pieces of your world building you drop in different parts of your story. Or you just go with the flow and hope for dear life that the story you tell actually makes sense.

In the end it doesn't matter why the political part of any story is unrealistic. Though if you see your faults you might make an effort to improve some things. And if you haven't written anything yet, stop and think about how you're going to write it. After all, knowing the pitfalls makes it easier to navigate the uneven landscape of writing literature. Remember: you are not George Martin, Joanne Rowling or some other bigshot of modern literature that will make most people overlook the obvious holes in your story. So take care and think about the things you create.

#writing #writing tips #writing advice #political #politics in fiction #mistakes

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marinemammal · 19 days ago

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hi! ^_^ I saw that you are an animist that practices nature worship. as someone who is really interested in making that apart of my spirituality.. can I ask you about it? If you’re okay with sharing! I just want to learn more about other people’s practices and beliefs related to this. I’m trying to figure out how to Start? What I can do?

Hi!! I would love to talk about my practice. This is the first time I’ve tried to put it into coherent writing, so forgive me if this is a ramble! I would also like to warn in advance that this is all my own unverified personal gnosis, and it’s a very fluid practice at that!

I tried to explore the religions of those around me as a kid, but nothing ever stuck. I didn’t even vibe with online witchcraft circles for the longest time. I was only able to find how I felt comfortable with religion over the past few years, and it started with taking the time to stop and see where I could feel the magic from my current perspective.

For me, it was in the moss that I sat near to calm myself down. I saw it in the rabbits that froze up as I walked by. I pet cats and took on their assertive self confidence. I began to take all this in and write it down, making conscious efforts to see what the natural world stirs up inside of me.

I think my time looking into witchcraft online left me fond of altars, so I set up a simple one, asking for protection and oversight from the Raven. It had a carving of a raven, four red candles (4 is a protective number in my mind), obsidian and onyx, and a place to burn incense (an offering+the smell reminding me of my prayer extends the time i spend thinking about it). It brought me immense peace while I had that altar up!

I continued adding to my journal with what I noticed, and ways to honor and request help from them. I had a period of exploring baths — gathering as much Whale energy in one spot and meditating in the bath felt almost like a trance, and left my mind clear and peaceful after.

I hand tattooed the Boar across my diaphragm, symbolizing its ferocious endurance and strength. This one was a tattoo because I knew it was something I would always need help with, and I would want the constant reminder of my connection with. I enjoy doing my own tattoos, as I think traditional art forms like tattooing (and things like weaving or dance) are a way of honoring and connecting with Humans as a species!

Right now, I am working on a personal religious calendar. I am looking to what each season wants from me, and how I can live my life in tune with that. I have an egg feast planned for springtime, and hope to come up with more ideas through the year. I always want to have something to look forward to! I also try to see how the seasons interact — I know I cannot ask myself to put out very much energy in winter, so I may reflect the Bear during this time and hibernate, so that I can bounce back in the spring. Based on that, I think winter is the time for planning and goal setting, and leading into spring is when I should put those plans into motion.

A bit tangential, but I wanted to add… This began as a mental health journey. I desperately needed something to fill the emptiness in my core, and it took me years to realize I personally needed a spiritual system. I found it through understanding how out of place I felt in modern society, and looking back to see what I could do more similarly to this bodies ancestors. Organically formed animism pretty much jumped out at me from there! I refuse to forget that now, and try to form my religion only in ways that make me feel well mentally. This is also how I balance this handcrafted religion with my psychosis! There is no specific higher forces demanding anything of me. The universe does not care about formalities! I work entirely in requests, and putting myself in the proximity of the energy I want.

I also do my best to avoid closed practices, but I do take inspiration from others religions when there does not seem to be a dynamic that would cause harm. Part of this is because I feel like all religions are just vehicles for worshiping the same strings of the universe, and when I was little I truly believed everyone was right, and would have whatever they believed in happen to them after death. As an example for borrowing ideas, I have intentions to make myself prayer beads, because I think that is an appealing way to show my devotion to nature. I also think that doing something in the privacy of my own home, and being open about where I got inspiration from if I talk about it to anyone, gives me a lot more wiggle room. Of course, there is a lot of nuance to this, but I hope what I have said makes sense in general :,)

Overall, I think there is nothing truer to a personal religion than listening to what you feel drawn to, and letting your work sprout from there. My practice boils down to bringing the universal thread that belongs to a specific Concept (animal,plant,mountain,etc) as close to my soul as possible through ritual, prayer, mimicry, and mediation.

This was a super condensed version of my belief system, but I hope it was helpful in sparking ideas for finding your own. Please feel free to DM or send another ask if I didn’t make sense in a part, or you have something more specific you want to talk about!

#beliefs #from the heart #thank you for asking i love talking about this stuff it means a lot to me and im glad others are on the same journey im on!

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theramblingsofadork · 1 year ago

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Edit: Updated 12/23/24

Okay—~⭐️!!

I promised I would share about some of my AU for Dr. Starline, and even though I’ve decided to rework a few things to make sure I’m making the story as good as I can make it, here’s a bit of it.

(…WHO AM I KIDDING, THERE’S A LOT OF IT. But please give it a read anyways!)

I don’t really have a name for this AU, yet (if anyone has any ideas, please let me know!) I’ve officially dubbed this AU The Starpoint Squad. Act 1 follows the competition, which starts off a few years before the IDW comics.

⭐️ Premise: Dr. Starline enters a competition of inventors and innovators with the hopes of using it to gain Eggman’s attention, and finds something there that he was not expecting to.

As I have it, Starline is very much like his canon self from his introduction.

He’s smart, haughty, and a genius lone wolf, aspiring to be like his idol and wanting to be acknowledged by and work alongside him more than anything.

At this point, he’s already attempted to get the Doctor’s attention multiple times over the years, but has had little luck each time. However, this competition has a big, esteemed tech name backing it, and he expects Eggman will be closely paying attention to it as a result. It’s the perfect opportunity to get him on his radar.

He joins the competition, quite sure of himself that he can win first place all by himself. But, upon getting past the prelims, to his chagrin, he learns that in order to continue, he has to form a team.

Of course, Starline—being both a genius and coming from a wealthy and prestigious background—sees this as a detriment, as he has a profound reluctance to work with others due to believing all to be beneath him. So he’s not thrilled.

But, he’s not ready to give up his dream yet, so he decides the best course of action is to team up with people who he thinks have potential, but can also be the easiest to manipulate into doing what he wants.

⭐️ (Side Note: He does not have his hypno glove at this point. That would make things too easy.)

This lands him on Rivet, a cat whom he met in the prelims, her brother Charge, a tiny rat named Hex, his bulldog friend Lug, and a firefly named Cello.

Starline assigns himself as the leader of the group, due to his elevated knowledge and experience in the three fields they’re working with— robotics, chemistry, and biology. But as he attempts to get them on board to.. essentially let him run the whole show, tensions and conflicts quickly mount as they begin to push back.

At his wits end after a few days of arguments and fights, with some members threatening to drop out, he finally asks Rivet and Charge for advice, seeing as they’ve been a team for a very long time, despite being so different. They explains to him what teamwork really is; how it’s a relationship of give and take, having to do primarily with trust and working towards a united goal.

Which is where his problem lies. Starline has no trust in them, and is doing none of the give, and all of the take.

And while his haughtiness and upbringing argues the question of ‘why he should give voice to those of lesser intellect at all,’ he understands that continuing as he has been will sink his plan, so he begrudgingly decides to change his tactics and hear them out.

He lets them express themselves and in doing so, discovers that.. these people do have more to contribute than he first gave them credit for. Not only that, but they have all something in common with him.

A vision to change the future. A need to prove to themselves as well as their loved ones that they have what it takes to reach their goals. To show people that, that just because they’re young doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taken seriously. That they can contribute to something bigger than themselves.

The conversations sit with him, and in a weird way, he can’t help but empathize with them, feeling familiar, uncomfortable tugs of his childhood pulling deep within him.

So while his reasons for doing so are at their core, still very much selfish, he reluctantly gives up some control to allow the others to bring their ideas to the table.

And to his surprise, it works! As the weeks progress, they begin to gain a real flow, and he’s amazed to find they all work… surprisingly well together.

Despite himself, Starline slowly finds himself starting to loosen up, tentatively coming to enjoy having them all around.

He’s not used to having someone he can properly debate complex scientific topics and formulas with without losing or boring them.

He’s not used to having a little shadow following him around, eagerly wanting to learn all he can from him.

He’s not used to being shown a different perspective, discovering value in the little things the lower class enjoys and wants to protect.

He’s not used to someone being more than happy to let him ramble on about his interests. To be concerned about his wellbeing enough to drag him out of his lab to eat lunch or go on group outings with the team.

It’s… oddly nice. It’s… tentatively welcomed. By the competition’s end, Starline has come to nearly consider them all to be his friends, reflecting on their time together and seeing how far they’ve come.

But there is still the matter of Eggman.

This is his struggle. His Achilles heel, so to speak.

Throughout the competition, Starline’s goal never changes.

Despite his closeness with the team, he’s never truly open with them. Never tells them his real reason for being here.

They know it’s to gain the attention and recognition of someone important to him. They’ve heard his excited rants about this ‘genius’ and all the brilliant and inspiring things he’s done.

But they don’t know it’s Eggman.

Starline works hard to keep his affinity on the downlow, not wanting to sabotage his chances of winning due to getting kicked out prematurely by his team, or the other competitors.

He’s dead set on achieving his goal, no matter what he has to do. It’s what he’s worked for his entire career, after all. Eggman made him who he is. This is his chance, and he can’t simply just let the opportunity slip through his fingers.

But as the day approaches; as he gets closer and closer with the squad, that surety begins to fade, and doubt and guilt slowly begin to creep in.

He finds himself asking himself if he can he really bring himself to betray those who have treated him so well. Who have looked up to him and acknowledged his genius. Who he’s spent so much time interacting with, and whom all believe he’s their friend.

Can he really bring himself to build them up like this, only to let them take the fall and shatter their dreams come competition’s end?

He knows if they find out the truth, they’ll turn on him. They’ll cast him aside.

Just like everyone else.

And yet…

….

He sees that by getting too close, he’s caught himself in a trap. His goal prevents him from being able to be as open and honest as he might like. Keeps him from being closer to Rivet like he knows they both want. Keeps him from seeing that everything he wants so desperately is standing right there in front of him.

Ultimately though, when it all comes to the big day, when a plot is uncovered that threatens to not only upset the competition, but put the entire region in danger, Starline is met with a choice. Join the threat and possibly salvage his dream? Or let it go to save his team from getting hurt?

And as he makes his final decision, the impact his team has left on him begins to show, and he finds himself thinking to himself in mild amusement,

“I’ve gone soft.”

(…But that’s a story for another time ;)

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itsjustrue · 4 months ago

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Some pretty big changes are happening in my life,

After considering for years and going back and forth on this choice, I have made the decision to join the US Air Force. To be honest, I'm not satisfied nor happy with where I am in life and unfortunately I feel stuck financially and mentally. For the past 2 years, l've felt stagnant, working dead end jobs and not really doing anything nor contributing to anything and having no actual goals in life. I only have dreams that feel so far out of reach and I could never fully grasp into them, so, in all honesty, I haven't really been trying these past 2 years.

l've learned that I am my best self whenever I'm in a fast paced environment, l've also learned that I am the best version of myself when I have goals and something to prove not only to those around me but to myself. If I’m in a situation where I can prove that I am better at something or in a competitive position, I will do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals. I want to be in an environment where I know I can grow higher and become a better person as well as getting promoted within my career where as the job I’ve currently had for two years I’ve stayed in the same position, barely able to live off of minimal wage. I have tried college, and it just isn't for me unfortunately. I don't want to work 2-3 dead end jobs just to make ends meet And though it is scary being a woman in the military, and there are certain things and views that I disagree within the military, I feel as though I just have to suck it up, I really have no choice at this point and it is my only option in moving towards something I dream of having one day as well as having some sort of goal and path in life.

Throughout my entire life, my father has been in the military. Having only him to raise me and no mother figure, he has told me stories about his experiences and has nothing but positive things to say about it and has always been very adamant about me joining, and in some ways that little girl inside me just wants to make him proud, prove to him and to myself that I can do this, and I feel as though I’ll always want that because that’s just who I am. But I also know that I am doing this for myself and I have to remember to put myself first!

I currently have no direction in life, and I've never really known what I wanted to do with my life. I have certain hobbies and skills and dreams yes, but I’ve never really know how to make them a reality or career. But all I know is that I want to help people in any way I can, that has always been a goal of mine and it will continue to remain my top goal. I don't know if I'm making the right choice, and there is fear inside me about this decision, about making this decision I’ve held back on for years. This decision somewhat frightens me and yet I feel as though I have to do it (hehe Kratos quote 🤭)

I want to conquer this fear that has truly kept me held back and has prevented me from moving forward in life, my fear of failure has always affected my life and will most likely continue to do so for a very long time, but the first step towards conquering that fear is to simply make that choice and just do it.

But yes, although this post is very different compared to what I usually post, I just wanted to share what I’ve been going through ever since the hurricane. This hurricane has really made me open my eyes and question myself, made me realize that financially I’m not ready for any emergency as severe as this and it’s really been affecting me, but again it’s eye opening for me. Of course I’m not doing it just for the money, I feel like this is the next choice I have to make for myself.

To whoever read this fully, thank you so much. I hope you are all doing well and I hope to be back here soon with more music. Still not electricity or water here so it’s been incredibly hard, and now for the time being I don’t have a car (she gave out on my a few days ago and is currently in the shop and I’m still trying to figure out how I’m even gonna pay to get it fixed 😩) lately it just feels like one thing after another! But I just wanted to share my thoughts with you all and keep you all updated.

Hope everyone is happy and staying safe out there 💛

#life #military #air force #i dont know #idk what im doing #i love y’all #feeling stuck #just ughhh #I hope this is the right choice #is there really a right choice in this?#idk i’m in a mood #only thing that’s keeping me sane rn is god of war #always god of war man #I miss Kratos #god of war

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stayandcozy · 5 months ago

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Chapter 1: People, Places, Promotions

Chapter Summary: Solana attends a panel with her peers, where a performance from Stray Kids has her confronting the past. Afterward, Kai eagerly introduces the two friend groups. Despite her skepticism about the idols' intentions, Solana decides to stay, grappling with her own uncomfortable feelings.

WORD COUNT: 5666

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“Solana, it’s a dream come true seeing you in person. Hearing you talk with the other actors, it really shows how different you are from Irina. I have two questions. One, how do you get into such a character? And two, do you struggle with her character?”

I was staring out at a sea of blinking expectant eyes. Hundreds of people, all hanging on my next words, eagerly waiting for my answer. It was a simple question, though I could tell most of the crowd thought it was some deeply philosophical ask. It wasn’t, and I could only hope the real answer wouldn’t bore them. I deeply hated how I always had to make sure I was captivating in everything I said during the panels.

“I’ve got a dirty secret,” I said, leaning into my microphone, adding a touch more drama than necessary. It was what the crowd loved. “Ready for this?” I asked them. I got a mix of yes responses and continued. “The truth is… I used to be a lot like Irina. I hid my emotions until they festered into unrelenting anger. Much like Irina, I was dealt a shitty hand—sorry Jiho—so I was angry just like she is.” Nothing I said was a lie. I used to be angry, and even if I still was, the fire had dimmed to a softer simmer. It was no longer the raging inferno that consumed me. I went on, “The biggest difference between us is her inability to let others in. As silly as it sounds, this show really saved me. Both physically and mentally. Within this cast I was able to find friends I know I will keep for a lifetime.” I glanced at Claire and Collete who both gave me a soft smile. Then to Kai who wore a shit eating grin as if my confession was the best thing he had ever heard. Lastly there was Sasha, who was trying to blink back tears. “Maybe if Irina can learn to let others in, she can grow the way I did. As for your question, some days it’s harder than others to get into character. She reminds me of my old self, so memories can be brought up. But I think those are the days I connect with her the most and am able to deliver the best performances. No matter what her destiny is, I’m rooting for Irina, and I can’t wait to see where Danni takes her story in the future.”

Under the table, Sasha’s hand found mine and squeezed it tightly. It was warm and comforting. She felt a lot like Mom sometimes. She felt safe. Being cast in ‘The Universal Academy of Witches’ had been a stroke of luck. However I believe something deeper, perhaps something cosmic had brought me to Sasha.

Growing up, making friends was always challenging for me. I’d watch other girls click instantly, and I felt gnawing envy. When birthday invites were handed out, I was forgotten. When it was time to pair up in school, I’d be forced to sit alone and quietly work. I never understood why it was so hard for me. All I wanted was a group of friends to laugh and cry with. But instead, throughout my youth I only found myself more and more isolated. That loneliness became a kind of shield, something I wrapped around myself. I built my walls because it was easier to be alone, easier to not need anyone. At least, until I met Sasha.

We were alone in the waiting room. She was clearly nervous. Her leg bounced like it was on a spring, and she twisted her fingers around each other like they were the only thing grounding her to earth. I assumed she’d been cast as the jittery, anxious role—maybe the squirrely boy character. So, imagine my surprise when she introduced herself and revealed she’d been cast as Catherine, the strong-willed knight magician who cared more about order than any ruling government. Out of character her voice was soft and quiet, but the moment we started the cold read, Sasha and Catherine came alive.

Our situations couldn’t have been more different. Irina and I were woven from the same thread, but Catherine and Sasha felt like they were from opposite ends of the universe. Still, as time went, I could see Catherine in her, tucked away deep in her heart, waiting for the right moment to emerge. I knew it was coming.

Hearing the word sex broke me out of my thoughts immediately. “—the sex appeal character. Do you like playing fan-service roles or were you excited to get cast in something different this time?” The fan speaking to Sasha had started to lower the microphone and sit down, but just as his butt was about to hit the chair, he shot back up. “Wait! Also I’d love to know your favorite line. Okay sorry, thank you.” He finally sat down.

I didn’t even need to glance at her to know how she looked. Sasha hated those questions. Anytime her old work was brought up, I could see the energy drain from her. Her shoulders sagged, and her eyes lost a little of their sparkle. It was my turn to reach for her hand. I gave her a reassuring nod, hoping to give her a push to answer bravely. She looked back to me and smiled then let go of my hand.

”Well…” she drew out the word, buying herself a second to collect her thoughts. “I’m grateful for the roles I’ve had because they led me to where I am now. But did I like them?” She laughed into the microphone, a light, playful sound. “No. I didn’t like them. In fact, I hated them. They were just stepping stones, experience roles. But now that I’ve tasted the kind of characters I’ve always wanted to play, I’m never going back.

What an incredible answer it was. Sasha had this gift—the ability to connect with fans like it was what she was born to do. Despite all of her anxiety, when she was in front of a crowd, she beamed with radiance. “As for my favorite line,” she continued, “that’s tough. Do any of you have a favorite?” She gestured toward the rest of us on the panel.

It wasn’t a bad setup for a panel, really. We were seated in a packed university theatre auditorium. A long plastic table stretched in front of us, draped in a nice tablecloth with our show’s poster on it. Down at the far end, near the stairs, sat Danni Choi, the creative genius behind the manhwa. Next to her was her agent. Then came Jiho Lee, the manager for all the actors. Jiho had recently made headlines in South Korea for coming out as non-binary and launching a talent agency for queer entertainers. Some people adored them, and some hated them. After Jiho came the main cast of ‘Universal Academy of Witches’: Kai King, Collete Laurant, Sasha Wren, myself and lastly, Claire Gagni.

The premise of the show was simple enough: witches and warlocks from across the world came to train at an elite magic academy. So, the producers decided to cast actors from all over the globe. Kai was from Australia, Collete from France, Sasha from the U.S, Claire from the U.K, and me—from Russia. Well, technically. My last name Pavlov, and a passable Russian accent were all they needed to check that box. Never mind that I hadn’t been to Russia since I was six. But I wasn’t going to complain. That fake accent had landed me in a position where I could finally take care of Mom. I would always be grateful for Danni and Jiho seeing something in me when they watched my audition tape.

Claire must have wrapped up her favorite line because everyone was suddenly staring at me, waiting. I cleared my throat, preparing to drop into the lower register Irina’s voice required. “Irina is a woman of few words, but if I had to pick, I’d say, ‘I don’t fight because I want to win. I fight because I refuse to lose.’”

A handful of girls in the crowd started screaming, followed by a wave of applause. It still amazed me how putting on a different voice could inspire such a devoted fanbase. “Everyone has so many good lines,” Sasha mused, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, her eyes sweeping over the crowd like she was searching for an answer. “How am I supposed to pick?”

“See, she wants you to think she’s being all deep and quizzical,” Kai chimed in, laughing, “but she actually just can’t remember any of her lines.” The panel and the audience echoed his laughter.

“Alright, alright!” Sasha said, her eyes hardening into a steely resolve, a look that showed exactly why she’d been cast as Catherine. “‘Foolish cowards. My sword is the law, and I wield it with unwavering conviction.’”

The crowd went wild again. Next was Colette. Her character was a love witch, though more the innocent schoolgirl crush type rather than the seductive succubus archetype. “This is easy, Elise’s best line by far: ‘Yes, I’m crying! I can’t help it! I just love, love, love, love!’” A group of young girls cheered excitedly as Colette delivered the line.

Finally, it was Kai’s turn. He sat up a little straighter, taking a deep breath. His character, Oliver Brown, was the youngest professor ever to teach at the academy, and like many overpowered male protagonists, he had a massive cult following. His voice dropped into that perfect, smooth cadence that had won over so many fans—deep, rich, yet with a playful undertone that made every word sound effortless. “Now, I could be the good guy and give you the line you want…” He was toying with them, and the crowd ate it up. “Oh, fine. I can’t say no to you all,” he pouted, teasing them with a long pause. “Don’t worry, darling. Making the impossible look easy is kind of my thing. Besides, you know I can’t help but show off for you.”

The screams that followed were so loud I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. It was every fan’s dream to hear Kai say that in person. He beamed with pride while Sasha gave him an exaggerated look of disgust.

“Kai! You’re so hot!” someone in the crowd shouted, setting off another wave of laughter.

The moderator took that moment to step in, taking the mic from the last fan. “Alright, I think we have time for one more question.” He scanned the room, finally landing on a girl with short pink hair practically bouncing in her seat. He passed her the microphone, and she cleared her throat before speaking.

“Kai, I’m sure a lot of fans of UAW are here because of that live stream you did with Felix from Stray Kids. Neither of you really mentioned how you know each other, and I think a lot of us are dying to find out.”

Kai smiled softly at the girl. “Damn, here I thought I’d make it through the entire Q&A without him stealing the spotlight.” He shook his head and glanced at the producers. They gave him a quick nod, and he continued. “Well, Felix and I are both from Sydney. Not just that, we grew up on the same street, and our families are super close. I have three sisters who love to terrorize me every chance they get, so I always wished I had a brother to help me fight back. Felix was the closest thing I ever had to a brother. He’s a great mate. When I overheard Danni and some of the others talking about the opening song, it was like my heart spoke before my brain even realized it. I said, ‘Stray Kids could be cool for it,’ and the rest is history,” he laughed. “I didn’t think they’d actually reach out to the boys, but Felix and I were over the moon to be part of the same project. And it wasn’t just Felix—every one of them was excited. I’m not sure if you can tell, but I swear those guys are the biggest nerds you’ll ever meet.”

The crowd chuckled as Kai paused, reading the room. “Seriously though, I brought them here today as a little treat for all of you. I can’t keep letting everyone think they’re these cool, collected guys. Come on out, you guys.”

Kai gestured to the left side of the stage, and from the wings, four stunning boys emerged. He wasn’t exaggerating—Stray Kids were probably the most beautiful group of friends I’d ever seen. Each of them had such distinct looks, but all of them radiated something magnetic. It felt unfair. Men weren’t supposed to be prettier than women.

“Hello, everyone! Helloooooo, Kai!” Felix called out, bounding straight over to Kai and wrapping his arms around him. I had seen pictures of Felix from Kai before, but seeing him in person was something else. I glanced over at Sasha, who looked just as awestruck as I felt.

“We thought it would be fun to perform the song live for you all. What do you think? Wanna hear it?” one of the other members asked, his voice smooth. I didn’t know his name, but he had strong-looking arms, pretty lips, and was dressed in a tight tank top, an open button-down shirt, and jean shorts. He was just as pretty as Felix, and I had to force myself to look away before I started mentally objectifying him. These boys probably dealt with that far too often. The last thing I wanted was to be another fan who did the same.

I can’t lie, I envied their looks. But I definitely didn’t envy their lack of privacy. Fame, especially at that level, had a way of stripping away the parts of yourself you’d want to keep hidden, and fans felt so entitled to you.

We were ushered off the stage to seats in the front row. As I settled in, I found myself glancing at the pretty one again, curiosity got the better of me. Leaning over to Kai, I whispered, “The one in the tank top—who is he?”

Kai raised his eyebrows, and I rolled my eyes in response. “That’s Chris. He goes by Chan or Bangchan. He’s the leader of the band.”

I turned to Sasha, ready to ask if she thought he was cute too, but her gaze was locked on the youngest-looking member of the group. His long auburn hair had a fox-like quality, and even his features were sharp, mischievous, and yet delicate. Sasha’s mouth hung slightly open, so I reached out and gently pushed her jaw shut.

She blinked and blushed, glancing at me sheepishly. “I was going to ask if you thought he was cute, but it looks like you’ve already found your type,” I teased, giggling into her ear.

She swatted my arm. “I’ve heard a song by him before, but he looked so much younger back then. He really, uh… grew into his features.”

I leaned toward Kai again, pointing at the one with the fox-like features. “What about him?”

Kai didn’t look at me—he glanced over at Sasha, who was still staring. He snorted softly. “That’s Jeongin, but most people call him I.N. And before you ask, the last one is Seungmin. He and I.N. are the main vocals of the group, but honestly, all of them are ridiculously talented. There are four other members who also sing on the track, but they couldn’t make it today. These guys will cover their parts.”

Just as he finished, the boys started moving into position on stage. The lights dimmed, casting a soft glow, and then Felix’s deep voice filled the room as the song began.

“In the shadows they awake, casting fear into the night. Monsters born from twisted magic, haunting dreams and stealing light. A fire burns within, forged from bonds we hold. Witches across the ages, we stand ready for the fight.”

My god, his voice rivaled Kai’s. Then Bangchan took center stage.

“When the darkness tries to break us, and the world begins to fall, we’ll be stronger, side by side. We will answer this call.”

Listening to him sing gave me chills. His voice was powerful, commanding, all the while filled with warmth. After his verse ended, Seungmin and I.N came in together, harmonizing as their voices blended like paint on a canvas. It was ethereal—nothing short of magical.

“We rise together, hearts aligned, we'll face the storm, through the night, our magic shines, a new world to be born. No more fear, no more pain, we’ll drive the shadows away. In this fight, we lead with heart, come what may.”

The song was perfect, and they were perfect, and I hated it. As the last note echoed through the room, the audience erupted in cheers, clapping, and screams. If the applause for us had been loud, this was absolutely deafening.

Danni stood from her chair, holding up her hands to shush the crowd. “It’s always lovely when you experience something and just know you’ve made the right choice. I hope you all enjoyed the panel, and thank you, Stray Kids, for working with us. Everyone, please get home safe, okay? Oh, and keep your eyes out this Friday—I might accidentally release two new chapters instead of one. Seriously, be safe!”

The crowd began to disperse, buzzing with excitement as people filtered out of the auditorium. The members of Stray Kids waved goodbye and started heading backstage. Kai chased after Felix, who giggled like a child and playfully darted away from him. Watching them together was adorable. Yes, Kai was naturally bubbly, but something about him when Felix was around was different. His smile wasn’t just for show; it was real, genuine, and filled with joy.

A strange feeling spread through me as I watched them. I desperately hoped that Felix was one of the good ones but I doubted it—it was too rare a find in this world of fame.

Call it jealousy or simply my truth, but I cannot stand big celebrities. I had my fair share of them come into the Red Light Club. It was easier for them to get away with their sinful indulgence in a smaller area. Besides that when Mom and I were struggling in New York, we’d occasionally come across famous actors, models, influencers, and musicians. It wasn’t every day, but it happened whenever we ventured deeper into the city. Those kinds of people rarely hung around where we lived. Unless they came for the dances. They were too important to be seen in the slums, and honestly, I didn’t blame them. But I still couldn’t—and can’t—stand their lives. Something about millions of people struggling to eat while others spend thousands on a meal never sat right with me.

Another aspect I despised was the illusion of perfection surrounding them. Perfect jobs, perfect faces, perfect lives. But nothing is perfect about being a celebrity. Most of them are terrible people who wouldn’t bat an eye at others' suffering if it meant they could pocket a few extra dollars. They present the best versions of themselves, tricking the public into thinking they’re decent human beings. They aren’t. They fake kindness. They fake being ’one of us.’ Once you reach a certain level of fame and wealth, you lose touch with what it means to be human. Everything becomes luxury, and they forget what it’s like to live without it.

Kai and I have gotten into screaming matches about this on a few nights out drinking. He’d argue I was being cynical, and I’d insist that he’ll never see the truth. Felix might be good to Kai, but would he go out of his way to help someone in need? Does he possess basic empathy? Probably not. But at least he makes Kai happy. He’s good to him, even if he’s not good in general. Despite my strong opinions, I had promised Kai I’d be civil, to treat them like I would my friends. But they aren’t my friends, and I doubt they ever could be. They don’t understand what I’ve been through, and it’s not their fault—but how could I possibly get close to people who’ll never get it?

I put aside my bitter thoughts and walked past the curtain into the wing of the stage. Off to the left was a walkway to the green room, a cozy space with three nice couches, a coffee table, and a TV showing the stage. The four members of Stray Kids were lounging on the couches, while Kai sat on the floor across from them. From the bits of conversation I caught, they were talking about the crowd’s energy.

“—seriously! I thought you were gonna forget to call us onstage, man,” laughed Bangchan.

“He’s soooo jealous of me, hyung. Didn’t want his fans switching up on him,” said Felix.

“Oi, come here, you cunt,” Kai lunged at Felix, putting him in a headlock. Felix immediately pretended to pass out, going limp in Kai’s arms.

“Careful, Kai, you’ll have a lot of angry people if you kill him,” I teased.

“Forget prison time—you wouldn’t last a day before their fans got you,” added Sasha.

“You two sound like Mum, always ruining my fun,” Kai groaned, letting Felix go. Felix stuck his tongue out at him and gave a cheeky wink, leaning back into the couch while Bangchan reached out to rest his hands on Felix’s shoulders.

“So, what did you guys think? Did we do the show justice?” Felix asked, looking between Sasha and me.

“You did. You two,” I pointed to Jeongin and Seungmin, “gave everyone chills when you sang together. It really captured the fantastical side of Academy of Witches.”

“You two? Wait, Kai, do they not know who we are?” Jeongin asked, incredulous.

“I briefly mentioned your names about 15 minutes ago, so technically yes.”

“What! Just now you told them our names? Are you embarrassed of us?” Felix pouted.

“Yes, absolutely I am. And hey, it’s not my fault, mate—they just never asked,” Kai replied.

“Do you know anything about Stray Kids? Either of you?” asked Bangchan.

“Nope,” I said flatly.

Sasha, however, had a red tint to her cheeks. “Well… I know a single song because of my sister.”

“Is it God’s Menu? It's always God’s Menu,” Seungmin joked.

“Um… no,” Sasha laughed awkwardly. “It’s Maknae on Top.”

Jeongin’s eyes widened in horror as the other three boys burst into loud laughter.

“No way. There’s no way!” Felix cried, wiping away tears as he laughed harder.

Bangchan and Seungmin were clutching each other, trying to calm down, but every time they looked at each other, they just laughed harder. Jeongin, meanwhile, buried his face in a pillow, mortified.

"Okay, I have to know—what's so funny about this song?" I asked, unable to contain my curiosity.

Kai giggled. "Maknae on Top is a joke song they produced."

“It’s really catchy, to be fair!” Sasha defended.

Jeongin groaned into his pillow as the other boys finally caught their breath.

“I can’t wait to tell Minho hyung about this,” Seungmin added with a grin.

Just then, Claire and Collete emerged from the women's dressing room. They had clearly freshened up, with new makeup and comfortable, yet cute, outfits. I lowered my head slightly, hiding a knowing smile. Claire and Collete were good friends of mine, too. Since we were all cast together, we spent a lot of time hanging out. They were nice girls, and while I hadn't yet felt comfortable enough to open up to them completely, I did enjoy their company. In time, I thought, maybe I’d grow closer to them.

Although I didn’t share much about myself, they were open about their lives. Vanity played a big part in their world, which usually would put me off, but they never flaunted it. They just liked material things. Coming from wealthy families, it made sense for them to wear designer brands and the latest makeup.

When Kai told us about inviting Stray Kids to the panel, Claire and Collete had been ecstatic. Both were long-time fans, having followed the band since their debut on the survival show. It was no surprise they took extra time in the dressing room to change. What silly, vain girls. Boys like these could tear them apart, but if anyone could handle it, it’d be Claire and Collete.

"Hi!" Claire chirped. "It’s so nice to meet you guys—I’ve been a fan for so long."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bangchan’s smile falter. He chewed the inside of his cheek as the girls introduced themselves.

“Yeah, same! I’ve been following since Hellevator. It’s crazy to be in the same room as you,” Collete added enthusiastically.

Felix smiled back, but it felt practiced, the kind of forced, public smile I’d warned Kai about. I wondered if he saw it, too.

"You too,” Felix responded politely. “We were actually just talking to…” he trailed off, glancing between us and Kai, clearly unsure of our names.

“Sasha,” Jeongin chimed in, looking at her with a warm smile that made her flush immediately. “And Solana, right?”

“Wow, Lix. You don’t remember your best friend’s best friends’ names?” teased Seungmin.

“Hey! I just wasn’t sure which was which! Kai never shows us pictures of them!” Felix protested.

“Yeah, because you’re men. Men cannot be trusted,” Kai retorted, deadpan.

“Amen, Kai,” I laughed, but my eyes were drawn to Bangchan, who was staring intently at the back of Felix’s head. His hands fidgeted with the back of Felix’s sweater, and he was bent slightly forward as if he needed the blonde boy to ground him. Maybe it was time to wrap things up and give them some space.

“Anyway, we’ve got an early recording in the morning, so we should probably—" I began, but Kai cut me off.

“No way you’re leaving already! My best friends are finally meeting,” he insisted.

I shot Sasha a look, silently asking for backup. She nodded in understanding.

“Lonnie’s right. We have to be in the studio at seven tomorrow, so we really should get going,” Sasha agreed.

“I bet we could ask Jiho to push back the recording,” Claire chimed in, derailing my plan. “They are pretty understanding about stuff like this.”

Damn her. I just wanted to go back to our dorm and relax. These boys probably needed the rest, too.

“Let me text them real quick,” Kai said, already pulling out his phone.

“Sorry, you two, but I can’t let you leave yet. There’s no way the only thing you know about us is Maknae on Top, Sasha. You’ve gotta let me show you some of our other songs,” Felix begged.

Collete laughed, “Wait, you only know one of their songs?”

“I thought it was good!” Sasha defended again.

“Well, duh. All of their songs are good,” Collete replied.

I couldn’t help but notice Bangchan’s reaction. He scrunched his face when Collete said that, a clear sign of discomfort.

“Seriously though, come over! Let’s hang out for a bit. I’d love to hear the secrets of the show, and I’ll make sure to play you some better songs,” Felix smiled, trying to disarm with his charm. I wondered how long it took him to master speaking so casually with people who were so unlike him.

Bangchan’s grip on Felix’s shoulders tightened. “Lix…”

“Please, hyung! We rarely get to do stuff like this. It’s been ages since Kai’s been able to come over.”

“I don’t want to intrude, mate. We can grab coffee another time,” Kai said, clearly aware of the tension.

The two girls, however, were giving Bangchan puppy-dog eyes. Someone needed to step in for him.

“I’m sure you guys are busy, too. Don’t let us take up your free time,” I added, hoping to offer him an out.

“No. No, it’s okay. Please, Chan. Just this once,” Felix pleaded.

“I already texted the others to check if it was alright,” Jeongin added.

“Innie! I didn’t even give the okay yet,” Bangchan sighed, rubbing his hand down his face.

“Hyuuung! Kai’s been talking about them for ages. Come on, just this once…” Jeongin pressed.

Bangchan closed his eyes in resignation. “What did the others say?”

“They didn’t mind,” Seungmin replied.

“And Jiho? Did they agree to move the schedule?” Bangchan asked.

Kai glanced at his phone. “Yeah, just got a text. We’re not needed until noon.”

Claire and Collete squealed in excitement. I half-expected Bangchan to use their reaction as an excuse to refuse, but despite his clear reluctance, he gave in.

“Yeah, okay. Just this once,” he relented.

I felt a pang of guilt. It was clear he didn’t want us there, and I suddenly wanted to bail. I didn’t belong here, pretending to be part of a world I’d never understand. It felt like the walls of the green room were closing in on me rapidly.

“Would you hate me if I said I’ll pass? I think it’s best if I head home,” I started, but Kai stood up and immediately began slowly walking towards me.

“Yep. All of us will hate you. Me included. Hate you soooo much,” he said, his tone mock-serious.

“Kai, stop it. If she wants to go, let her,” Sasha chimed in.

“Don’t be so boring, Solana! When are you ever going to get to hang out with idols again?” Collete teased. I don’t want to hang out with idols. That’s why I’m going home, I thought.

Kai was still inching toward me, then finally picked up the pace at the end and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Would you hate me if I said I’m forcing you to go?” he teased.

I rolled my eyes and shot a look at Sasha, hoping for backup, but she was covering her mouth to hide a wide smile.

“Yep. Hate you soooo much,” I mimicked, making Felix laugh.

“Solana, I promise if you don’t have fun, I’ll buy you coffee for a week,” Felix offered with a playful grin. Typical rich boy.

“I’m more of a tea girl.”

“Then all the tea you can drink for a week,” he said, giving me puppy-dog eyes that made my cheeks warm. Kai, still swaying us both, was determined to drag me there no matter what I said.

“Okay,” I sighed.

“Woo!” He cheered.

“Kai, do you need our address, or do you still have it? You’ll have to take your own car. We can’t all fit in ours,” Bangchan mentioned.

“We’ve got room for two, Channie,” Jeongin offered, and Bangchan narrowed his eyes at him.

“I’ve got it, mate. No worries, we’ll figure it out,” Kai said, finally letting me go.

“If you’ve got room for two, could Collete and I join you?” Claire asked.

It was obvious Bangchan wanted to say no, but politeness won out. “Sure,” he replied.

Felix stood up and walked over to Kai. “Mind if I join you three? It’s a half-hour drive, and I’d love to get to know you both better,” Felix asked. If it weren’t for his status, I would have thought Felix was just a kind, outgoing guy. But I couldn’t shake the sense that his charm was part of his celebrity persona. Why was he so eager to get to know us?

“You can give me the rundown on why Maknae on Top is a joke,” Sasha laughed.

“Oh honey, we’ll need more than thirty minutes,” Felix teased, making Sasha smile at his quick wit.

“All right, children, let’s get going. We need to get home before Solana withers away to old age,” Kai called out, and I gave him my signature don’t-test-me look, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll put you in the corner and make you count to five hundred for that, Kai,” I said.

“No! You wouldn’t!” Kai pouted dramatically.

I swatted his bum lightly. “You’re lucky that’s all I’m doing.”

“Ooooh, I like this side of Solana,” Felix chimed in while tossing me an exaggerated wink. Was he flirting with me? No way.

“Unfortunately, it’s the only time you’ll see it. Sorry,” I retorted.

“Lonnie, you’re such a brat,” Sasha laughed.

Kai started to head toward the door, dragging Felix along, and Sasha followed before pausing to look back at me. I hadn’t moved.

“It’s okay, Lonnie. It’s just one night, yeah? You won’t see these guys again,” she said.

“Yeah, that’s the problem, Sash. I hate friendships that feel fake.”

“Then it’s not a friendship. Just us meeting Kai’s friends. Nothing has to come of it.”

“You’re right. This isn’t about me. I should do it for Kai.”

“Atta girl. And if not for Kai, do it for me. There’s no way I can sit in a room with them without you,” Sasha laughed.

“You could.”

“Could not.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“Why do you have such a high view of me? I don’t see what you see.”

“Exactly. If you won’t see yourself in a good light, I have to. You’re phenomenal, Sash. I’m serious. If I didn’t go tonight, you’d be fine. You always are.”

“Lonnie, you put too much faith in me. I don’t—"

“Could you two be any slower? Come on, come on! We’re gonna miss our taxi!” Kai interrupted, poking his head back into the greenroom.

There was no escaping it. I needed to do this for Kai. He had been nothing but supportive since I’d been in Korea, and I couldn’t deprive him of this night. He had always talked about wanting his two worlds to meet, and I couldn’t say no. No matter my history with celebrities, I wouldn’t let it get in the way of Kai’s happiness. One night. Just one night, I told myself.

Written by Stay! <3

I love writing the boys.

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wool-f · 2 years ago

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29 Lessons from 29 years of living

Hello friends,

I’ve spent a little while contemplating on whether or not to create a blog post for this but I figured there is no harm in it, and maybe someone will take something from this the way that I take lessons from other peoples’ confessions.

I have spent 29 years on this earth so far and only very recently have I started writing myself letters on my birthday, listing all the things that I’ve learnt in the year prior.

Like most other things I post about on this blog, I’ve made a YouTube video talking about this year’s list and the reasons behind each lesson, which you can watch here, but if you prefer to read through lists and come back to them later etc, like I often do, please continue reading and let me know in the comments if you are going to take on any of the lessons I’ve learnt myself, or if you’re going to start making your own list! I’d love to hear your lessons.

29 Lessons from 29 years of living:

1. I am truly capable of creating any life or manifesting any opportunity I want.

2. I should take as good care of my health as possible.

3. Always try to learn something from any given situation.

4. Sometimes, things are just shit and can’t be turned into a learning experience.

5. Not all friendships are meant to last, no matter how badly you want them to.

6. Let go of people who make you feel like shit.

7. Don’t lower your standards - let the good people come to you, they will.

8. Trust you intuition! It never ever misses.

9. Read the book, watch the movie and rest when you need it. Enjoyment isn’t always productive.

10. Never get tired of going to things by yourself - that’s when you have the most fun.

11. Drink water - as much as you can.

12. Always wear sunscreen - it’s the reason people are looking younger and younger!

13. Journalling helps your mental health - keep this habit up.

14. Moving your body at least once a day and preferably in the morning makes you so much happier.

15. Keep trying to learn that second or third language - your brain works better because of it.

16. You are lucky - even when you don’t feel like it.

17. One walk a day is an act of rebellion against productivity and capitalism! (Read Sarah Wilson’s This one wild and precious life to understand this one)

18. Look around you - take stock of the beautiful world we are in - look up from your phone!!

19. Don’t get caught up in what other people think of you - if you’re happy and not hurting anyone, fuck what anyone else thinks.

20. Some people don’t deserve your forgiveness, your time or your energy.

21. The love you’ve given others they they haven’t returned is never wasted.

22. Believe that love is out there - you give it to yourself everyday.

23. Finding time to be creative is an essential part of your happiness.

24. Sometimes you can keep a little secret for yourself - it’s fun!

25. Always looking for a silver lining isn’t weakness - finding a light in the dark is strength.

26. Meditation is important - it makes you kinder.

27. If you want to do something, jump at it without hesitation - we only have only life, and it truly isn’t that long.

28. Find beauty and fun in the small moments in life - the mundane can be the best parts.

29. Never stop believing that a dream can become reality - what is meant for you will never pass you by and if you’ve imagined it, it is meant to be yours.

If you’ve gotten to the bottom of this post, thank you for taking the time to read my words and thoughts - these are deeply personal to me, but if you’ve gotten anything from them, I’m glad.

I hope wherever you are and whoever you are, that you’re having a wonderful day and being your truest and most authentic self.

Be kind to your self and others.

See you in the next post!

Gxx

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hope-is-yellow · 6 months ago

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Gabriel's Redemption

One thing I love about Good Omens is how it helps me learn about myself. How I react to certain characters—who I get defensive toward, who I take a strong aversion to, who I want to protect, who I admire—shows me what I see about myself in them.

Because the writing, especially the characterization, in both the show and book is so good, I tend to have strong emotional reactions to the characters. That makes them good tools for self-discovery, a kind of mirror for my own virtues and vices, foibles, and strengths.

As long as I’m being honest about myself and with myself.

Even my responses to Good Omens fan creations (pictures, comics, fan fiction, video animations, written and video essays) teach me about myself. For example, observing what types of works I seek out is instructive. What kind of searches am I doing for Good Omens content on fiction or video websites? Why might I be drawn to more edgy or sad videos this week, or more upbeat stories the next? How do these choices reflect or shape my mood?

I’ve been thinking lately about why I find Gabriel/Jim such a compelling character in the second season. I’ve been thinking about what about him I might see in myself, and about how his redemption arc might give me hope for my own.

I want to acknowledge here that many viewers reasonably argue that at best Gabriel experiences only a partial redemption in season 2. Yes, he declines to end earth and humanity a second time, and his love for Beelzebub shows him something more important than choosing sides, but he still never acknowledges or expresses regret for trying to kill Aziraphale or destroy creation the first time around. But then again, if absolute power corrupts absolutely, and if Gabriel, as the only first-order archangel in the universe, is one of the most powerful beings in the existence, then I’d say that, while he has an awful lot of corruption to overcome, he seems to have come a fairly long way in an impressively short time by the end of season 2. He’s an immortal being; I trust that love will continue to eat away at his arrogance and instill some humility into him with time. Love has a way of doing that to the heart.

Even before I watched season 2, I found myself drawn to fan fiction that portrayed what some is sometimes tagged as “soft Gabriel” or “nice Gabriel”: Gabriel has realized, through some combination plot devices, the error(s) of his ways and attempts (and sometimes succeeds) in redeeming himself.

The circumstances in these stories that lead to Gabriel’s change of heart are many and varied, ranging from the extremely dark (Aziraphale’s trauma over his treatment by Heaven causes him to become a sadistic revenge seeker who tortures and abuses his former boss) to the light and fluffy (Gabriel becomes a parent with Beelzebub and wants to learn what delights earth can offer their child).

In the TV series, of course, it is simply romantic love that leads Gabriel to renounce the end of creation. He never says so explicitly, but we’re left with the impression through the brilliantly written and acted romance montage—incredibly only about two minutes long yet utterly convincing—that as Gabriel becomes enamored of his demonic counterpart, so he comes to appreciate the earthly environment in which this happens. He comes to appreciate music, for example, when Beelzebub expresses her liking for “Everyday” by Buddy Holly. By the end of season 2, Gabriel seems to finally begin to have an inkling about why God so loves Her earth.

(But then, who am I kidding; since when is romantic love simple?)

The series also shows us a childlike Gabriel in the form of Jim, who is practically a tabula rasa. We see him—hilariously—come to appreciate even more earthly pleasures, like cocoa, using books as flyswatters (that never hurt any flies) and coming up with nonsensical book shelving systems.

In fan fiction, once Gabriel’s redemptive change in perspective is accomplished—through whatever plot development—he often expresses regret, contrition, humility, willingness to learn. In some cases (in stories in which the author breaks with “canon” and he does not end up with Beelzebub), he renounces his heavenly position, and sometimes even his celestial powers, in favor of “retiring” to earth to live among humans, to learn about and from them, and to do good among them.

Sometimes Gabriel shows up on the Crowley’s and Aziraphale’s doorstep (if they’re in their South Downs cottage) or at the bookstore or Crowley’s flat (if they have yet to confirm their couplehood) and requests that they teach him about the earth. In these narratives, he often poses a question: what was it about the earth and/or humanity that made them willing to risk death to save it? Gabriel’s redemption in these stories takes the form of him becoming a student of earth, essentially, with one or both main characters acting as his teachers and guides. He learns to listen openly and attentively to others’ views and ideas; he learns the affection, compassion, and love that is so lacking in heaven; he learns the wealth of sensory experiences that having a body affords him; he learns gratitude and mercy; he learns the difference between self-esteem and self-absorption.

The reason I am attracted to these Gabriel redemption stories, I think, is because I struggle at times with some of Gabriel’s faults myself. For instance, I don’t think anyone would argue against the statement that Gabriel comes off as incredibly arrogant and pleased with himself. And I can act very egotistical at times. For me, low self-esteem and arrogant behavior are often two sides of the same coin, at least for me; it’s at those times when I’m most insecure about my abilities or my body or my general worthiness that I can lash out as the most obnoxious snob. It’s a childish, destructive, confused attempt at self-protection: I’ll point out your flaws and reject you before you can do the same to me.

Maybe I identify with Gabriel’s arrogance, and wonder if his egotism might be caused by deeply hidden feelings of self-doubt. We see that precious little compassion, acceptance, tolerance, love, or even basic courtesy is offered to anyone in heaven. In season 2 episode 6, Gabriel himself, in what I feel is one of the saddest moments in the entire series, says to Beelzebub during one of their meetings in the pub, “No one’s ever given me anything before.” In just a few words, Gabriel presents a devastating picture of the barrenness, the emotional emptiness, the cruel neglect of his existence until that moment. In the complete absence of love, is it really any wonder, that Gabriel offers Aziraphale only fake smiles; empty compliments; subtle and not-so-subtle putdowns; constant interruptions; and, in the end, murderous rage toward Aziraphale? Rage and anger are signs of feelings of injury and injustice, and all beings feel those things when they’re deprived of love. And if we have no way of addressing and rectifying the hurts and injustices we’ve suffered—no then—again—we can end up lashing out at other people. That’s not an excuse, but it can be a cause and a reason.

Now one might argue that Aziraphale was treated with equal emotional neglect and abuse by heaven and ended up a kind, sweet and giving soul. But then, Aziraphale had the love, friendship, trust, and affirmation of one being in the world, a certain demon who adored him from the outset.

The genuine love—romantic love, familial love, platonic love—of a single being can shield and cushion us from believing the cruel messages others send us with cruel behavior and inattention. Even if everyone else around us has failed to treat us with the respect and care we need and deserve, that single being’s love can bolster our self-esteem, free us from self-hate, and teach us to love ourselves and others.

Gabriel’s redemption story proves this axiom in the world of Good Omens: Once he received Beelzebub’s love, he was able to show love: He acted to avert Armageddon and save creation; he was ready to sacrifice his authority and power in heaven to be with his love in hell.

I think I so enjoyed Gabriel’s redemption story in season 2, and continue to enjoy Gabriel redemption fan fiction, because in them I find hope of my own salvation and redemption. They offer me hope of overcoming my own faults and becoming a better, kinder, more selfless person. To some extent the history and contours of my own struggle toward emotional development mirror Gabriel’s origins story. If I can find compassion for him, I can find compassion for myself. And if he found the capacity and courage to change after one loving being came into his life, how much more hope is there for me who am blessed with—and should appreciate more—numerous family and friends who love me.

#good omens #spirituality #mental health #my writing #reading

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hjcoolartnerd · 11 months ago

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Continuing my rewritten things For Total Drama All Stars, now we have episode two!

Previous episode:

1. Heroes Vs Villains

Episode 2: Evil Dread

Recap:

Chris: “ last times on total drama, I welcomed the all stars to the newly decontaminated island. Then it was heroes versus villains. Driving into short infested water in search of the one key that would open unlock the door to the all new McLean spa hotel for winners only. Thanks to Scott’s cowardly fear we learned that inside of every robot it’s the heart of a Spaniard, in this case, Alejandro. And while Alejandro might not hold the key to Heather‘s heart anymore, he did hold the key to the spa hotel, and victory for the villainous vultures. Hamsters. And the heroic hamsters bid farewell to Lindsay, Via Our newest and most humiliating commode of transportation the flush of Shame who will be next to pop through the pooper? Find out right now on total. Drama. All stars.”

————————————————————————————————————

Heroic Hamsters in the loser cabin:

Chester: “ there’s a storm coming!”

Stevlanna: “ I’m scared after all these years he’s going to return”

Vito: “ eyo, how are we gonna stop the Goomba?.”

Manitoba: ” hush, it mates, Mike is waking up” * Mike wakes up*

Mike: “huh? What’s that? You guys say something?” * Cameron snores, Sam sleeps peacefully as a mosquito drains his blood while Eric ‘shifts’ in his sleep. Mike shrugs then goes back to sleep.*

Eric’s Confessional: “ OK so I knew Mike had multiple personality sooner, but I didn’t thought it. Was this bad, his personality, talk in his sleep. I’m lucky I barely got any sleep last night besides, the bed are like rocks they were bit more in season one if I remember correctly. Maybe it’s nostalgia but damn my back hurts and also I think Lindsay a smart move being voted out yesterday, I actually doubt she is bad at pushing cards for crying out loud. She shops for a living and in season two she actually pulled Owen, Justin and Beth in the prison challenge by herself. Maybe Lindsey realized that $1 million wasn’t worth it and decided to leave huh?”

————————————————————————————————————

Villainous Vultures in the spa hotel:

Daniel: “*walking towards the masseuse* holy moly that was the best sleep. I’ve had in years this beds are even comfier than the beds back home I like winning.” *sees Heather waiting for the masseuse to finish with Alejandro* “ oh, sorry, am I interrupting a romantic moment between the two of you”

Heather: “ what!? no I just want Alejandro to stop hugging the masseuse!” * she was clearly blushing*

Alejandro: “*sigh* i’m sure her hands are magical, if only I could feel them”

Heather: “ seriously your legs are still asleep”

Alejandro: “ I don’t know if they’ll ever wake up, I was squashed into that robots suit for an entire year, which you would’ve known if you ever texted”

Heather : “ it’s not like you ever texted me”

Daniel: “ oh, yeah, you do definitely still have feelings for each other!” *laughs*

Heather : “ shut up Daniel! And are you getting your eyebrows waxed? *Alejandro Nods* wow”

Daniel: “that’s… uh cool?”

Alejandro: “ They call it manscaping because it is very manly and I didn’t text you because I was trapped in a robot suit”

Heather: “ugh what ever” * she rips off the wax from Alejandro’s eyebrow*

Daniel’s confessional: “ OK I really don’t see what Bryan used to see in Heather, It's like her she is so full of herself. And I also don’t get what Eric used to see in Alejandro. my brothers all have weird taste in people even Carlos and he’s one of the most neutral guy I’ve ever met, but the girl he likes is a complete rageholic. But I do need allies if I want to make it far Scott, lightning and Jo aren’t ideal, because they know how I play, besides, I wouldn’t trust Scott as far as I could throw him and that’s really far. Lightning is a self obsess jerk and Jo well if Cameron was able to double cross her and she didn’t see that coming, then she is not a good alliance member. *sighs* I guess is either Duncan, Heather, Alejandro, or Gwen. Heather and Alejandro are as manipulative as they come and Duncan doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would do alliances so time to buddy up with the weird goth girl. Have to make sure that she doesn’t kiss me that wouldn’t look favorable for me considering my girl from back home”

*everyone coughs*

Jo: “ gross I didn’t know Chris allowed Poofhead to return?”

Daniel: “*spraying his head* what did you say about my girl?”

Jo: “ of course only a dumb guy who gets with poofhead would do what she wants”

Daniel: “ and that’s coming from the girl who could easily be mistaken for a guy”

Jo: “What?! Only lightning thought I was a Guy!”

Daniel: “ no at first glance most people thought you were a guy. The only reason no one thought you were a guy was because you were sleeping in the girls cabin, and you actually do have the boobs. I happen to know that your name is Josephine” *jo looked mortified*

Jo’s confessional: “how on earth did brattniel, that my name is Josephine?!”

Daniel’s confessional: “ no I didn’t know her name until now the look she had on her face actually told me all I needed to know *laughs*”

————————————————————————————————————

Zoey: “ we should divide our area into section and each day in one”

Courtney: “ no let’s separate the beach into quadrants each pick a quadrant”

Cameron: “ that’s exactly what Zoey said”

Courtney : “ then good we use the plan that Zoey and I came up with”

Eric : “ you mean the plan that only Zoey came up with? Just because you worded better doesn’t mean it’s your plan.”

Courtney : “ but I still came up with it”

Zoey: “ the more we bicker the more the villains are going to take the lead. Go team.”

Everyone but Courtney: “ go team”

Courtney : “*grumbles* yeah yeah yeah yeah can we start digging now?”

Courtney’s confessional: “ what’s with the loving? Hello, it’s called total drama not total friendship friendship,”

Eric‘s confessional: “ Courtney may be a smart player, but if she doesn’t start acting like a team player, then maybe she should be the next one taking the flush of shame, we are called the heroic hamsters, not the villainous , hamsters”

————————————————————————————————————

Jo: “ strategy, people, strategy. We should start at one end dig to the other in a straight line”

Heather: “ and what if the pieces are in the far end, huh? We need two lines that push in towards the center. Right guys”

Lightning: “ ain’t nobody telling lightning where to dig I am my own man”

Daniel : “ what about we steal the hamsters idea of dividing the beach into quadrants and each selects quadrant. And since we are seven, we are bound to find a pieces faster than the hamsters.”

Heather and Jo: “ you shut up nobody asked for your opinion”

Daniel : “ old Heather and Miss sweatpants just told me to shut up fine, *walk away angrily grumbling*”

Daniel ‘s confessional: “ when the team is filled with people who are used to having their own ideas and leading each of their teams, nobody listens to anyone and I don’t wanna go to the loser cabin, so those two better put their head in the game and stop fighting for control of the team that’s gonna be their downfall”

————————————————————————————————————

Eric: “Sam you need help?”

Sam: “* struggling* no no I go it, no need to worry “

Eric: “okay. *walks to another quadrant *”

————————————————————————————————————

Heather: “ fine we’ll work in a circular motion towards the center”

Jo: “no! Start with the corners then move to the center in zig zag “

Gwen: “*sighs* some team”

Heather: “exactly, a team without a leader is like a horse without a head, it just runs around blind”

Gwen: “I’m pretty sure a horse without a head doesn’t run anywhere “

Daniel “*laughs digging* are you confusing horses with chickens now?”

Jo: “Right? Which is why I should be this team’s leader!”

Heather: “ no I should!”

Daniel: “ a leader doesn’t impose himself he leads without forcing people to follow his lead but you girls do what you think is best”

Jo: “let’s let the team decide!”

Heather: “fine! *walks to one side* Lightning “

Jo: “ *walks the o the way calling Scott like a dog* come here Scott, Scott”

Daniel: “one of those girls would be our down fall”

Gwen: “ugh I give up!*trips and falls in front of Alejandro*

Alejandro: “ I hope you know that I appreciate your efforts, you are as wise as your skin is translucent”

Daniel’s Confessional: “Wow that guy is smooth like butter… I guess having all the villains in one team plus The gothball punk kisser in one team was definitely a bad Idea”

Gwen’s confessional: “I know he is evil but…. Oof those eyes”

Lightning’s Confessional: *continues to vomit*

————————————————————————————————————

Jo: “attention team! I am your leader!”

Heather: “No, I am your leader! *sticks the Shovel on the ground and hits piece * I found a piece!”

Daniel: “great now we find 6 more the same way *rolls his eyes with a smirk as Heather lift her piece and Jo goes to fight her for it*”

Jo: “you’d never have found it without me *Heather drops it on Jo’s foot* aaaaaaah!”

Heather: “oops sorry *jo pushes her down the moat*”

Daniel: “*laughs more* best team reunion Ever *walks away to keep digging*”

Chris: “two booby traps! Two puzzle pieces and two deliciously evil moats, it’s still anyone’s game but it won’t be for long right here! On Total! drama! all stars!”

————————————————————————————————————

Chris: “an hour has passed and the teams are still tied one all. *whispering* which raises a pertinent question *now he raises voice* what is taking so long!”

Sierra :”we don’t have shovels!” Sam: “I have sands on my shorts!” Eric: “Don’t rush me!” Jo: “Ah hush! Lightning: “I’m amazing!” Daniel: “You do it then!”

Chris: “Blah blah blah, whine, whine! hurry up! I have dinner plans!”

————————————————————————————————————

Eric: “Nothing on my quadrant! *steps on a trap and gets cover in itching powder*is this… ITCHING POWDER! *yells and starts scratching like crazy* This is so Wrong! *runs towards the ocean to try and clean the itching power off*

Daniel: “*laughs* oh my! That’s hilarious!”

Scott: “Wow, not cool! *glares at Daniel*”

Daniel: “Come on Scott, That’s a hero in pain better him than us right?”

Scott: “Yeah, better them but not Eric!”

Daniel: “Eric is my brother, is my job to laugh at his misfortune besides he looks like a dog trying to sratch himself!”

Scott “*punches him in the faces and makes him bleed a bit,*”

Daniel’s confessional: “*clutching his nose* what is wrong with Scott? Last year he and my brother were at eachothers throat because Eric had threatened Him he would get him eliminated if he kept throwing the rats Challenges and now he is defending him. Does…, he likes Eric? Ew no, that’d be gross, no dirt boy is good enough for my older brother, I prefer him to date Alejandro again instead of going with Scott”

Scott’s confessional: “I’m not attracted to Eric, he just kept it a secret that I threw my teams challenges, so I do owe him one. Hector is a nice guys but he is not a snitch… and kind of cute…. Did I just said that ?! I meant for a guys he is cute… I’m going to stop talking now…”

Eric’s confessional: “*still scratching* did I see correctly? Did Scott punches Danny for laughing at me? Huh he might have a heart under neath his, musty, dirt stained, fit m good looking…. Wait what was I saying again?”

Sierra's confessional: "holy Cody! Did you see that? Scott defending Eric? Those two have the same tension as Heather and Alejandro had I'm season 3. I totally Ship Scoric... Or Erott... Huh I don't know which one sounds better?"

————————————————————————————————————

Heather: “come on people put this thing together already!”

Daniel: “*clutching. His nose with one hand* it’d be faster if you actually helped!”

Alejandro: “try those two together! No those two!”

Lightning: “Lightning finds the final piece I’m a hero!it’s probably a statue of me! being me!”

Daniel’s confessional: “okay, I see that Old Heather and Alehandjerk are only good for giving orders and not actually being team players.”

Gwen: “it’s tall whatever it is and boxy… like a tower… oh Big Ben!”

————————————————————————————————————

Zoey: “one piece to go, it has to be in Sam’s Quadrant”

Sam: “sorry guys I’m moving as Fast as I can”

Cameron: “all we need it the torch, Hurry!”

Eric: “alright! I’ll be useful and get that torch!”

————————————————————————————————————

Heather: “what’s with the big hole?”

Gwen: “maybe we put it together wrong?”

Daniel: “doesn’t Big Ben usually Have a clock in the same place that hole is?”

Lightning: “oh come on! Just get it Sha done! *the sculpture falls*”

Jo: “way to go liability!”

Lightning: “it’s not my fault you out it together wrong”

Alejandro: “we didn’t put it together wrong! There are only six pieces”

Jo: “great! So lightning miscounted! Come on everyone, we still have digging to do”

Daniel: “I knew you were dumb brightning but not I don’t know how to count dumb!”

————————————————————————————————————

Eric: “*moves Sam with the help of Mike and Zoey* Viola! The torch!”

Zoey: “*grabs the torch and Thor’s it towards the sculpture and it lands perfectly*”

Hamsters: “*cheers*”

Chris: “the heroic hamsters win!”

Villainous Vulture: *groans*

Mike, Zoey, Sam, Eric: *cheers*

Sierra and Courtney: “Spa Hotel! Spa Hotel!”

Chris: “ehem! I do require a volunteer for exile duty!”

Sam: “this one is on me guys to make up for my lack of diggings skills and… aaah”

————————————————————————————————————

Gwen: “hey Courtney I just wanted to say congrats on….*activates booby trap and hits the Trash bag towards Courtney accidentally*”

Courtney: “*coughs* ew!”

Gwen: “that was an accident! I didn’t mean —-“

Chris: “Gwen Gwen Gwen, so evil! You are definitely on the right team”

Daniel: “dont listen to him Gwen! I know these are just unfortunate mistakes."

Gwen: "you believe I'm not doing it on purpose?"

Daniel: "of course! Even if Courtney did deserve that I know you aren't evil to do that sort of thing"

Gwen: "thank Daniel!"

Daniel's Confessional: "step one on making an Alliance with Gwen! Side with her. If she sees that I totally am With her in her 'accidents' she will think I'm nice. Oh yeah the wolf in sheep's clothing strikes!"

Gwen: "I though I was the only good person in the Villains team! I never thought Daniel had a kind heart!"

————————————————————————————————————

Vultures Votes:

Alejandro: Lightning

Daniel: Jo

Duncan: Lightning

Gwen: Lightning

Heather: Jo

Lightning: Jo

Jo: Lightning

Scott: Lightning

Daniel’s confessional: “I would vote off lightning for being too dumb to count correctly, but if we need an athletic player for a more athletic demanding challenge Lightning is 10 times better than Jo so yeah my vite goes for Jo!”

————————————————————————————————————

Order they receive the marshmallow

Duncan

Gwen

Scott

Daniel

Alejandro

Heather

Jo (bottom 2)

Lightning (eliminated)

————————————————————————————————————

Next Episode:

Saving Private Leechball

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multiplicity-positivity · 2 years ago

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not sure if this is the right place for this, but. i’m a questioning traumagenic system and have been doing plenty of research since october 2022. at first i had weak, but fairly clear communication with the two alters i knew of, they were able to front, and i could feel their presence in headspace, but the discovery sparked a huge spiral and basically shut down communication entirely. i don’t feel anyone, and the communication i do get is nonsensical, distorted, or just plain gives me a headache to think about. it’s been like that for the majority of the time now. the whole thing has sparked a massive amount of self doubt, wondering if it was just some sort of weird episode or whether i actually am plural.

my plural friends have repeatedly reassured me that they are pretty certain i’m a system. i’ve had people tell me they thought i was a system before i even mentioned it to them. i feel gross, like i’ve somehow misled my friends, even strangers into thinking i’m something i’m not. i’m unmotivated to pursue strengthening communication, even though i want to, because it feels like a waste of time if i really am misinterpreting myself. this is kind of a lot, but do you have any kind of advice or positivity to give in this sort of situation? ;;

hey. so coming to the realization that you could be plural is huge, and it makes sense that learning about something like that could disrupt previous communication, cause self doubt, and make you question things that you had perhaps at first taken for granted.

if it’s any consolation, our system also had a bit of a downward spiral after our “syscovery.” our host was incredibly overwhelmed at the concept, and spent a lot of time denying/dismissing the rest of us, and our previous “background communication” got muddled and hazy for a while. i’m not sure how normal this is for newly discovered systems, but it certainly happened to us.

in our system, we’ve been able to more or less stabilize through a combination of things, like regular therapy, learning new coping skills, practicing self compassion, and building internal communication. our host can no longer deny the rest of us since we are quite vocal, and our support team continues to remind those of us who doubt that we are indeed a system.

sometimes taking a step back is necessary. if you’re spending too much time worrying and focusing on whether or not you’re a system, you may exhaust yourself, get burnt out, or strain yourself and your potential system. if you find that you can’t communicate no matter how hard you try, maybe it’s best to just stop trying for a while. take a break and try to focus on things that help you relax and feel better. maybe after a while an alter will reach out to you. or maybe after a rest you’ll be feeling more refreshed and ready to try again. taking care of yourself is a very important part of taking care of your system!

we ourselves cannot confirm or deny that you’re a system or part of one. but attempting internal communication is not a waste of time, even if it turns out you’re not a system! even singlets can benefit from connecting with different aspects of themselves, shifting the tone of their inner voice to be more positive and compassionate, or otherwise focusing on improving their internal monologue as a means of growth and self-discovery. so even if it turns out that you’re not a system, you wouldn’t have been wasting your time or misleading anyone. it’s okay to question, and it’s okay to be wrong or mistaken! these things are all part of being human - or nonhuman if you’re therian, like me ;)

last thing, we probably wouldn’t rely too much on what our friends think if we were you. as systems, we may get excited at the possibility of our friend also being plural and (perhaps without meaning to) push them to come to one conclusion or another before they’re ready. your friends telling you that you’re a system should not be a clear indicator that you are one. only you can determine at the end of the day whether or not you’re plural. we’re not saying this to disuade you from learning about plurality, or to convince you that your friends don’t have your best interests at heart! we’re just saying that sometimes people can get excited and caught up in things, which can lead others to the wrong conclusions.

so trust yourself, go slow, and try not to stress too much about it! hopefully you’ll be able to learn more about yourself with time. and we’re always here and happy to help if you have any more questions in the future!

🐢 kip

#questioning system #self doubt #Hi! it’s Margo posting this!#It was sitting in our drafts from last night and it looks good to me so I’m posting it now ^^#long post

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 2 years ago

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Do you have any advice on how to stop being jealous?

Like I know it’s a normal emotion. But I get really jealous when I see people have what I don‘t have and it’s hard for me to truly be happy for them… or myself. I’m always comparing. I know it stems from my insecurities and low self esteem. I want (best) friends, I want people openly think I am attractive, or that guys talked to me. I want to experience things like kissing or having sex. It’s hard for me to see others and especially those who are younger than me have all these experiences I never had. I’m seeing all these people I grew up with getting into relationships, getting married…etc. I guess never experiencing those things feed my insecurities and fears that I’m not good enough or desirable. I just feel like life is just so unfair, like why I am stuck being who I am, I didn’t choose to be so incompetent, boring and ugly.

I know it’s stupid but I’ve felt like this all my life. I was bullied a lot when I was a kid, so it’s hard to not believe what I was told about myself. Especially since all of my experiences confirm my fears. The thing is that I try. I try to put myself out there but nothing comes out of it. And this is embarrassing to admit but I cry about it a lot. I can’t help but to think something is wrong with me. Sometimes I can’t even read fics because the romance or friendships in them trigger me. Like it’s gotten that bad and I would love to have the kind of confidence that you have.

Just remember I only got to be this confident because I learned from a lot of painful things.

Jealousy is a learned behavior. In this case, it seems like you're jealous of relationships (friendships and romantic), specifically those that you perceive to be fulfilling and emotionally satisfying. I don't want to jump too far ahead, but the reason why you try and "fail" is because you aren't addressing the root of the issue - the why.

You did touch on it a little when you mentioned the bullying. Insecurities and low self-esteem are things that have been taught to you. You have adopted this negative self-image to avoid more hurt - if you already believe it, it'll hurt less when people continue saying it to you. Ironically, bullies bully because they too have jealousy, insecurities, and shitty self-esteem. Bullies intimidate because they believe they need to feel powerful to fill that void.

One who knows their power has no need to flex it.

Being bullied and other factors (don't know what your home life is like but I'm sure there's unpacking to do there was well) influence how you develop relationships with other people. There is fear there now. If strangers who don't know you say these things about you, won't it hurt exponentially more if it is a best friend? A romantic partner? Although you try, you feel that you have failed even if something small goes amiss, because you have been trained that is a signal that you could get hurt.

This is why I put fail in quotes. It is not really a failure. Like Yoongi says, human relationships are hard. They're complicated. Best friends fight (you've seen Run BTS???? jokes - or is it, those betrayals tho XD). Romantic relationships miscommunicate and get nasty at times. It is difficult to truly understand that no two people are the same. We tend to think people see the world in the same way we do because that's our main prespective in life. When they don't, there's misalignment and friction. These are not bad things, for we can learn / grow / evolve from these experiences, but you have associated them as bad sure to the past. You were confronted with senseless hostility as a kid - how could child you understand when someone taking out their internal frustrations on you? You haven't learned what projection means. Child you can only think that you must have done something wrong.

Your jealousy is not directed at the people. It is directed at the harmony between them.

You lacked this interpersonal harmony due to chance and circumstance. You probably didn't even do anything. Just happened to be there when a bully felt the impulse. Maybe, too, you didn't receive enough attention and affection as a child. Maybe the various relationships around you were turbulent and unpredictable. Maybe a certain type of attractiveness was prized and was an impossible mold for you to fit. It could be all these things and/or more. You need to look inside to find why you feel this way. And, the person that you absolutely need to develop a fulfilling and emotionally satisfying relationship with... is you.

"Why do I feel this way? How can I better understand me? What can I do for me to help me? How can I change the way I think so I don't drag myself down but raise myself up?"

It took me a long time to choose to believe in me. I didn't want to, because of what people said, because I was afraid, because I was reduced to thinking that this was the way it was meant to be, but it's not. I had to change the way I think. You say you didn't choose to be incompetent, boring, or ugly but on some level you did. Sure, perhaps you can't do everything, but it's clear you can articulate and be brave enough to message me. (keke ;) ) True, yeah, unlikely you can hold an engaging conversation on any topic because of course you don't know everything about the world. That would take forever to learn astrophysics and plant biology and music theory and... Yet if you put your heart into your interests, I bet you would have a lot to say and it would be fun to hear it. And, as I've said before, beauty standards are created by society to encourage consumption. "Conventional attractiveness" is a lie. People have strange and sometimes meaningless reasons for being attracted to others.

Nobody is perfect. Yes, life is unfair. But the way you look at it doesn't have to be.

Even if someone loves you with all their heart, you won't believe them if you don't love you. Even if someone wants to be your best friend, you won't feel it with all the walls you've built to protect the fragile you. But you are not that fragile, really. You were just made to believe you were. I get that. Yes, you will make mistakes. You will get hurt. You'll cry. Not everything will work out. But some things do. You'll never notice unless you break this cycle of negative thinking. Give attention and affection to that inner you that has been hurting all this time. When you're having those thoughts, think about why you're having them and what they really mean. Don't bully yourself, you know? Try your best, but not for others. For you.

People are complicated, flawed, but all are capable of finding the precious treasures that only they can appreciate because of what they've been through. You've been so fixated on other people's treasures that you forgot that you, too, have an adventure waiting for you.

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vidames · 2 years ago

Text

céline's interview!

Warnings for Engage spoilers below, please don't read on if you'd like to avoid spoiling anything for yourself.

What has led you to where you are today?

The interview is informal, set in what looks to be some sort of common room at the monastery. Despite the monk’s insistence, Céline insists on preparing the tea. A gentle, rose petal blend, the aroma of which is an instant balm to her frayed nerves. Here she is, at an esteemed academy for the best and brightest far from home and Céline tries desperately to swallow down the truth. That she must prepare for the day all her worst nightmares come to pass. A day when it is her duty and obligation to the people of Firene to sit upon that lofty, lonely throne.

A day when her brother leaves her, forever.

For now though, Céline plasters a well honed and practised smile on her face. Stifles the tremors in her hands as she pours two cups of tea and inhales. Chases such awful thoughts to the back of her mind and leaves them there, locked in place where they cannot hurt her. Where she can pretend all is well.

“Firene has always been a nation that prizes peace above all for its citizens. Which is precisely why I’m here. There are times when one must fight for one’s ideals, no matter how peaceful and benevolent those ideals are.” Céline raises the cup to her lips in a delicate, fluid motion and takes a sip. The taste reminds her of home, of the serene and bountiful pastoral fields of Firene. She reminisces on tranquil, jaunty days undercover to try her nation’s best tea and food with Chloé. Her smile relaxes a little, warm, genuine and pleasant. “As Firene’s princess, it is my duty to protect our people. Despite many treaties and much negotiation on my mother’s part, war still found its way to our doorstep. Towns were ravaged by invaders. I made a promise, at Florra Port Town. That I would never allow that to happen again.”

“Mother and Alfred are so often hard at work with leadership. I wish to be of as much aid to them as I possibly can.”

What do you believe are your greatest strengths? Your greatest weaknesses?

Your health, the pernicious voice in her head cries out. Céline’s smile drops for a fraction of a second before she puts the mask back into place. Small hands reach to her eye line as elongated fingers push the hair away from her face. A soft exhale and her composure is back in place. Firene’s princess does not have the luxury of showing such weakness.

“I’d say my greatest talents are in diplomacy and negotiation. I’m not green on the battlefield, I’ve never tried to shy away from my obligation to our people after all,” Céline’s hand rests around her cup, warmed by the sweet, floral beverage within. She takes a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing further. “I’m fairly skilled in both magic and swordplay although I’m sure I have much to learn and room to grow. I’m more confident in my political skills and ability to reach out to others.”

Weaknesses? Surely they realise a woman of her position cannot freely admit to any real glaring flaws, lest her frailty be used against her. The smile on her face sharpens in response, eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

“Surely you don’t expect me to reveal anything too vulnerable. One must always be discreet in their manners. However,” Céline is not exempt from showing a little self-awareness. If only to convince her interviewer that she is capable of deeper introspection and reflection for the sake of personal growth. “I suppose I can disclose one I’m working on and trust your good intentions, kind sir. I have always been rather emotional. As a child I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat.”

“I am no longer such a crybaby but I can confess to being plagued by fear and worry, or carried away with joy. I’m cautious enough that it rarely hinders me in carrying out my duties but it does still make some of my personal relations more fraught than they have to be.” Her tongue is sharper than any blade she has wielded, a fact she knows. A tendency to lash out in fear, especially to dear Alfred. Céline knows deep in her heart that he understands, he does not take any of her barbs personally. Yet her worst fear, more than being left alone to rule, is that her last words to him will be pointed and hurtful. “I’m rarely impolite to people, especially strangers but I can be sharper than I’d like with those I care for. Especially in emotionally charged situations.”

If a story were to be written about your life, what role would you play?

It’s easy to discuss the role she should play. The one she wants to, side by side with her brother. Helping their kingdom flourish and their people prosper. Yet there has always been an unspoken agreement between herself and mother that she was as much heir to the throne as her older brother. Shrewd, hale and healthy - the child who escaped the looming spectre of death and disease for much of her life. They’d been raised so similarly and whilst her mother could make excuses, try to insist that it was simply so Céline would be primed and ready to support her brother, she knew the truth. That one day, perhaps terrifyingly soon, Alfred would be snatched away from them just as her father had been.

She had become strong for both of them. The once soft and gentle princess had been honed as sharp and durable as a blade.

“Forgive me, I was lost in my own thoughts for a moment. A story about my life, you say?” Yet even now she sounds bright and cheerful and she hates it. Despises her falsehoods and fake positivity to the core of her being. But if she cannot open up to her closest allies and dearest friends, how can she be expected to open up to a nameless, faceless monk who will not remember her tomorrow. Whom she will not either. To many that would make him safe and harmless but few sit in her position. Few have to consider themselves potential rulers. “I have worked hard all my life to be able to protect my people and my family. Losing my father so young was painful but it strengthened my resolve.”

“I would never abandon my mother, or my dear brother, no matter where the world takes us. I will always support them and our people, so dear to all our hearts,” Céline tilts her head, a fond, wistful smile on her lips. She yearns for a life in blooming fields without a care in the world. That was never a possibility though, far out of the question. The least she could do was devote herself to protecting the gentle, happy families of Firene and their pastoral ways. The flourishing crops and abundance of beauty her kingdom had been gifted with had always seemed like a religious blessing, from the Divine Dragon Queen who was so close to her mother. Céline would continue those ties into the future, providing for her people the protection and grace they needed. “I wish to be their sword, shield and flames, so they can live joyous lives. A princess at her brother’s side, providing him with both wisdom and might in kind. Whatever he should need.”

#engage spoilers #interview

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