#but ive learned so much about myself
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Realizing you have ocd is so wild bc like what?? I thought that was normal anxiety
#i never had any of the somebodys gonna die or get hurt obsessions#just bad feeling/vibes if i didnt do the compulsion#hehe#but its been so nice being able to be like#this is ocd#and knowing how to help myself lmao#mine#i havent really been active in the last year bc my social battery is nonexistent#and if i have people irl i cant focus as much online#its annoying#i wish i could balance it better#but ive learned so much about myself#and gone so far in the healing journey#im so much better#and i almost cant believe it#turns out all i needed was someone to say its okay to pause#and focus on yourself instead of work#and now here we are :D
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I’m so happy with how much I’ve improved my relationship with food
#ive loved and learned so many new recipes lately#been trying out different things every week#trying to find healthy alternatives#but also allowing myself to have treats and snacks when i crave them#ive not been labelling food as avoid anymore#i enjoy it when i want it#just make sure everything in moderation#my protein oat cheesecake is by far mh favourite recipe iv learned honestly the best breakfast#but considering my issue with binge eating or not eating enough am really happy im finding a balance lately#its been nice to eat and enjoy food#i know with me gaining 16kg in the last year i was really freaked about food#but ive gained muscle#good weight#i am healthy#just because the number went up#it doesnt mean its a bad thing#but yeah ive been doing so good with it and having so much veg protein and loving the carbs#im so glad food isnt scary anymore 🥰
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discord was down so i was left alone with my brainrot
#neesan shit art#coai#shinshi#tbh im learning how to consistently draw this stylized cone ive developed#i remember like 5 years ago i was talking to someone about the woes of having to draw all of shin's cowlicks#i rmbr someone told me 'ive given up and resigned myself to my fate'#it makes me laugh so hard to this day#over the years ive kind of settled for this middle ground (u will see how often it changes)#i think whats more frustrating is that i just prefer drawing shinichi with glasses aka Conan Edogawa LMAO#i would draw more shinshi aka Shinichi minus Glasses but#the glasses just make him look so much better.....
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🫥
#idk why i have followers bc all i post or rb is like#nihilistic takes or discourse on the latest tragedy and aesthetic shit#it genuinely confuses me and i periodically purge the bots so idk why y’all are here lol#i rarely post about myself anymore (ive learned the hard way not to!)#it saddens me but also im pretty busy nowadays so… I don’t have time for it like I used to#but I just got so used to facing backlash for literally anything I said that I stopped wanting to make posts at all lmfao#it makes me so sad thinking about how I used to engage with this website and how much it has changed#both bc of other people’s behavior and bc of how I have changed (for better and for worse)#in a way i do actually miss it ☹️
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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the lesser known did symptom of not knowing anything about your life because not only do you not remember anything (and the memories you Do have are heavily fragmented so you have no idea when they occured), but you also consistently destroy all traces of yourself during dissociative episodes. rip every diary ive tried to keep and almost every social media account. i will never know what i got up to or who i was during those years
i have a spreadsheet i use for documenting memories that turn up before i can forget them again. where i also do my best to estimate what year or season or month they came from. but its all just such a mess. even 2021 onwards which are supposed to be my therapy years are very very patchy. i wish i could just know my life
#kostik speaks#having a moment#is it fucked up that the vast majority of what i can place on my life timeline is directly lifted from the internet archive#where i desperately try to remember old urls and see if any evidence of my existence has been immortalised#just so i can know what i was doing. and who i was. and what i was going through. when.#anyway#im so upset about how much evidence of myself ive destroyed now that im finally trying to put the pieces together#just because i refused to accept that was me and i took it upon myself to delete the old mes from existence#over and over again#because reading what id written and identifying with who i was was immensely dysphoric and distressing#any sort of life history is just. not there#i try very hard but i rely a lot on other people and archives that i cant wipe myself#because otherwise the pieces of my memory just dont work and none of it makes sense#its tough#just had to ask my mother when my grandmother died#it was really not long ago#because it was a significant event. i have a memory fragment of learning the news. i have no idea when it was though#maybe learning the time of year will explain some things. heres to hoping#im venting ignore me#i must have asked her before already but! youll never guess. i forgot#so i asked again and this time ill get it on the spreadsheet#so maybe i can build up a small timeline of that section of the year around that date#thats what im hoping. heres to hoping
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Magneto would love lumpia meanwhile Charles would have his Bibingka and Puto Bungbong hehe
Happy Holidays!
asks that remind me my bitchass friend kayla promised to make me *puto two years ago and she still hasnt
*puto is a filipino rice cake i do know it also means 'bitch' in spanish we do not have to address that thank you
#snap chats#'snap is the disclaimer necessary' every single time i mention 'puto' i get people clutching their pearls yes it is necessary vjAVKJ#LIKE I GET IT. CAN WE TALK ABOUT RICE CAKES NOW im hungry ...#kayla always gets beef from me but esp with puto and i only mention this when it was promised two years ago#cause SHE will always bring it up like 'oh yeah i still have to make you puto' bitch just forget it ive made it three times since then 😭#PUTO ISNT EVEN HARD TO MAKE LEGITIMATELY YOU JUST MAKE THE BATTER AND PUT IT IN THE SHIT AND STEAM IT#add a slice of cheddar on top if youre feeling especially nasty .... its so good .... anyway ..... rice cake ... i love it ...#i havent had bibingka in so long tho im PISSED. you know what else is really good tho cassava cake .. thats not rice but. lol#i never get to have filipino food on account of my mom hating cooking anything that isnt tiramisu knock offs#she really doesnt make filipino food she hasnt for years. my dad always does tho ..... whatever ....#i could always cook it myself of course. yeah... im lazy ill admit it you got me 😔#oh my god no you know whats great for the winter tinola I LOVE. chicken tinola so much#funny enough i learned how to make it when i was in the hospital from a filipino girl 🥰 we did not speak anymore after that interaction.#Also funny my fam and i were just talking about getting lumpia for christmas since theres like one (1) filipino place vaguely near us#'you guys dont make it??' on account of the fact im too lazy to make wrappers and no store near us sells any no <3#i did make lumpia myself once tho when we Did have wrappers after drivign out an hour to an asian market once#not to brag but they were pretty delicious ..... anyway ..#oh my god fuck me theres this like. speaking of rice cakes again JALKJKALJ theres this one with this delicious coconut sauce#BIKO IT'S BIKO its literally glutinous rice steamed in banana leaf with latik. UGH SOOO yummy ..... i dont have banana leaves anymore tho :#OH YOU KNOW WHATS ALSO GOOD FOR THE HOLIDAY lechon. that was my fave part bout goin to my dad's christmas parties#they had this big ass pig and i loved the ear .... crunchy as hell and so good 🤤 i havent had it in at least a decade tho..#now im hungry. and homesick. 'homesick for yoru dad?' homesick for my dad <- literally just saw him#well i get to see him again thursday :) goin to the doctor... gonna get my medicine again life is gonna be SO good !!!!!!#i have rambled far too long . happy holidays my friends !!!! do try to make puto this season ... very simple and very tasty .......
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the BA is important to me bc it symbolizes my Perseverance. a lot of ppl my age are on their 2nd or 3rd degree now . shout-out to my fellow adult/nontraditional students
#and yes ofc ik not everyone goes to school period#but it's important to me for many reasons#there's so much ive gone through trying to learn about myself and the world and i think the life experience has enhanced my#college experience#im gonna crush grad school when the time comes
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i miss horses
#horseback riding is insanely expensive in big cities though#idk if ive talked about it here but i did do horseback riding for i think six? or seven years? something like that#i was super lucky i got to do that bc i was able to get my equipment 2nd hand and#and my mom had 2 jobs and she thinks every kid should have at least one sports hobby and#she knew how much being able to do riding would mean to me so she made it happen and#it did so good for me so i'm very thankful#*did so much good#man i was in such a good shape when i still did riding. by good shape i mean great ass.#anyways i was even pretty good at it. the coach always wabted me to compete but i was like#''hmm no ♡'' bc i didnt want to have to learn and remember what to do at which point#i do sometimes think about what if i started competing#probably not much bc idk if it works with someone elses horse but hey i could have gotten ribbons#anyways i miss it#i dont think i could even get on a horse anymore. i need to start stretching regularly#also im probably too heavy to ride a lot of horses#but i want to brush a horse so bad rn#pretty recently after i stopped riding someone asked me if i did ride bc they could see it on the way i carry myself#which was interesting but i get what they meant#sigh my posture was so much better too#also im kinda scare i wouldnt bounce back from falling like i did when i was younger#it's a miracle i never broke anything or worse#leevi talks
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obsessing over things you can’t control is the fastest way to become unhappy
#ive learned a lot about myself this month#and cutting someone out of my life has definitely put me on the proper path#I’m just not handling it super well#there’s just so much shit going on#n I tried dealing with it all at once#and had a mental breakdown#so now it’s one thing at a time#things are getting better#days are hard#nights are harder#but we’re getting there and I’m trying my best to not be resentful
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why am i so interested in south american cultures and history. and why do i keep stopping myself from learning about them
#no cuz i have a fucking interest in it and its unexplainable idk where it came form#i literally live on a whole other continent way away from south america#i never been to anywhere in south america#i do not have a drop of latinx blood on me i have absolutely no connections to the damn place#but yet i am so interested in whatever the fuck incas aztecs and mayans were doin#about past history and current history#and current countries NOT TO MENTION THEYRE SOOOOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL GOD#i saw a vlog about brazil and never wanted to visit a country more in my life like holy shit#also i was obsessed with sottr mainly cuz of the focus on the latino civilizations#but from little research ive done it was quite stereotypical and blending the civilisation even tho theyre very different#but okay anyway#i HAVE the interest and yet i dont go let myself research ???? like i literally tell myself no????? no ill do that later ?????????#i have very poor memory retention okay so ig that makes me demotivated but STILLWOUWHABFJ#i remember watching some vids on the topics and trying to learn the damn differences BUT I REMEMBER FUCKING NOTHINGGGGGG#i can barely remember what i have learned in math last (4 weeks ago) like jesus cmon...................#i want to learn but i can barely remember anything FFLOR FUCKS SAKEEEKSGXVAJ#but still I dint think that's a reason for me denying myself and self sabotaging myself here ?????#i guess cuz im not taking it as much of a priority compared to the subjects im doing it + art + art history#which i also fucking suck at btw i am constantly trying to learn sm for art history and i remember. barely anything !!!#i remember i had to relearn the events and everything of ww2 like around 6-7 times and im not joking here#cuz i would not remember anything and now i remmeber it vaguely enough to be able to know some basic facts but no dates or smaller events#ok god my memory retention is shit i think i actually gotta be concerned about that shit#anyway i just wanted to rant except i have absolutely no information or facts to offer whatsoever#rumaiq rambles#writing this whislt listening to a Argentina 70s top playlist and there is absolutely no bad song. i love them all. and that is very rare#especially for me i am picky as fuck with my playlists and music#idk what the conclusion of this is i dont think there is one
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just rambling but i think the combination of chava telling me i'm part of the tribe and then my closest friends taking the news of my conversion so well kind of shifted something in me
idk how to explain it this is just the first time i've actually felt like a jew, like i belong. like i'm somehow on firmer ground than i was 24 hours ago. i was already certain of this path but now i'm beyond that. this is it, this is my life now. this is home
#chava is the girl who already converted under my sponsoring rabbi and she also happens to also live in my town#she also said we'll start hanging out every shabbat and go to temple together#she gave me the biggest hug after we talked for almost three hours#idk man#it just feels like ive moved into the next stage#ive been ready for the mikveh since day one but i'm glad for the journey#i have so much to learn still#about judaism and myself#personal#jumblr#jewish conversion#jew in progress#jew by choice#judaism
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sometimes growing out your hair IS the answer
#my hair looks fucking fantastic rn i keep going to look at myself#ive gotten compliments all night from my husband and mil about how good it looks#its insane bc when i look in the mirror its like recognition right like oh thats ME which as a trans system has practically NEVER happened#i know i talk about it all the time but genuinely i just elkjfkdsj my health has improved so much and my body has healed so much#and my hair is so emblematic of that. nvm that i decided to stop cutting it on our wedding day so its like#MEANINGFUL on so many fronts. to me.#so important to me. augh#ive had to learn so much about hair maintenance too. i kept this shit so short id never done anything but shampoo it and towel dry#curly hair is like an entire circus and you are the lone ringleader
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i drive myself absolutely bananas, because the writing i'm most proud of? that i love even more than anything i've done for star wars (except maybe dha kar'ta) or any other fandom i've posted for in the decade and a half i've been writing? that i want to share more than anything? unfinished witcher fics. over 80,000 words spread over a few stories, not including the thousands of words of the quick notes/ideas i have for even more stories and i love them so much. but if i post them before they're finished i'm never gonna finish them, or at least that's what it feels like. i haven't worked on any of them in months, but have put dozens and dozens of hours into plotting and timeline-ing and researching. i want to share them and brag about them and collaborate on them, but also like. i'm definitely a star wars blogger. i follow like three witcher blogs and none of them are active anymore, and i don't particularly want to make a witcher blog. and the unfinished stories on my ao3 already give me so much anxiety
but it also just leaves me sittin here on my own vibrating out of my skin with no outlet
#delete later#cj rambles#i dunno y'all just#mutuals and long time followers know how much i love obi wan kenobi#now imagine i loved jaskier indescribably MORE than that#and i've made so many revisions of the beginnings n such when i've added or changed the lore or learned new things#so like ive also really fallen in love with making a work complete before posting so i don't have to retcon or just settle for old ideas#does that make sense?#but fuck i love these works of mine so much and sharing has been an intrinsic part of my writing and storytelling for so long that it's har#to keep it all to myself#but i have no fandom friends#blehh just really feelings the like toddler-level overhwelm of emotions about how much i love what i do and how i do it#but also hating how i do it
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