#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[rapidhighway]

venting like an idiot

the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired

[tenthgrove]

Anon sent me a very wonderful ask about Myriad Trickery last night but I don't want to spoil the story for anyone who hasn't read it, so I'm pasting the ask under cut along with my response.

hi my name is not important but what IS important is that you handcrafted Myriad Trickery and you are the finest argument of why i phucking love fanfic SOOOO much. you have crafted a storyline i never even thought about and put a Metric Ton of care into story structure, worldbuilding, and RELATIONSHIPS, (yes relationships, not just romance because y/n getting to know the squad is SO WELL ILLUSTRATED, like the progression is so delishus. especially with pros. oh to be someone named celeste with a shitty ex husband and smol kids you need to get back --- anyway) like. shit these last few chapters Hurt me. i would like. beat my own ass up for making my babies so sad. so mad. smad. but like, you gotta get your money tho. so shoutout to y/n and wanna know for doing what they have to do with their skillset. also can we talk about y/n l/n for a second?? making them a P.I.??? in-fucking-spired. doing The Absolute Most with 4 entire personas and using them to sink their fingers into hardened criminals and SUCCEEDING at making most of them catch feelings???? teach some classes please because i cant even do that with 1 person!!! (lets leave out the fact that y/n fell too because the squad is so fun to be around.) y/n being knowledgeable in stealth n subterfuge, AND armed with their wits to get as far as they did despite not being an indestructible tank??? we cant all be like jotaro so we make do babey, and thats part of why i love y/n so damn much. im too soft, im not a tank at all and i dont want to hurt anyone or make them sad (well unless they do it first) but i dont even care that the difference between me and y/n is the one with jupiter and phuckin earth. y/n is engaging asf and going thru their thoughts is a treat. like its not ME me, but the way you write them makes me feel like i understand them completely. so i have an easier time immersing myself without anything getting me out of that immersion. your writing????? has me on the edge of my seat. im even using my voice to say their lines!!! y/n and i���… we r kind of dumbasses tho but im a corporate slave 8/5……. still. i wanted to read the next chapter on ao3 so hard, i was legit sneaking peeks at my phone at work -- very risky because we got undercover unauthorized breaktime snitches --because i wanted to know all the juicy details of what was going down, and now i regret it because im finished with the chapters on ao3. i want to experience the story for the first time again but you can only experience something for the first time only once!!!!! im gonna reread my fave parts, which is everything with prosciutto because he is my absolute favorite. but like, im happy you're here on tumblr so i can send all this directly to you. you make me want to print Myriad Trickery out and have it bound so i can pull it off my shelf and read everything cover to cover, like a bedtime story. i dont have the words to thank you enough for the monumental effort you did to give us this story except for: thanks so much for giving Myriad Trickery to us for free. shit if i were a publisher i would want to give you a book deal but for now here is a big ole virtual kiss for you for imparting the greatest reader insert saga -- yes. a wholeass saga -- ive ever read.

Hello anon! Where to begin?! I cannot describe how much it means to me that there are people this invested in my silly little stories. I'm a person who writes more for comfort than actual writing merit but MT is one of the few stories where I really wanted to create something to be proud of on a literary front, and that's what makes it so hard but rewarding to write.

The good news is that I absolutely do want to continue the story. I started a planning document for the next chapter soon after the last and it's been empty until last night, when I finally got down a paragraph on how I want the next chapter to begin. My problem is that I wrote the initial plot entirely around the build up to the big twist reveal, and it's kinda hard to come down from that, but I do have a basic idea of what I want to happen.

I may just cut down the remaining plot to about 3 chapters, but no matter what form I do want to get something out.

[lovelysad1114]

its only getting worse

i just checked out my old pictures, then cried a lil uncontrollably.. 1-2 years ago when i was working in customer service for my previous company, i felt absolutely miserable because it was such a demeaning occupation that i was apparently overqualified for. yet i cant find anything better than that. as a matter of fact im not good at anything cuz i didnt follow the conventional path to go to college picking a major thats directly corresponded to a career path. i was so miserable and unhappy over there cuz the job i was doing was dumb AS FUCK. how could someone this wise like me end up doing stupid shit like that? so i decided that i wanted to be a programmer, if i cant become a full-time programmer hired by local companies, i could find remote jobs online etc. i studied so hard at night, on the subway station which ultimately ruined my neck, during the weekends... i was motivated because of that demeaning stupid job. it was a constant reminder that i could do better, i could achieve more, that im capable of more than just that. so i just put it up, sucked it, and studied another skill at the same time. i hated it but each day i accomplished my goal i felt incredibly joyous and satisfied.

what the heck am i doing right now? nothing. i have zero income, on top of that, im not making any actions towards anything. im watching my youth fly by. i used to be so industrious... but now? im not even motivated to do the easiest thing possible. im lazy af. im also too scared of a potentially failed outcome. probably my goal is of a grandiose nature, im procrastinating because deep down i know theres a great chance that im gonna fail... this is a vicious cycle that perpetuates itself. actions must be taken, i must do something rather than nothing. 

10 years ago when i was 13 or something in middle school, i peaked... i was so industrious. i studied so hard and i received great reward, despite i have OCD. i used to the a top student in school... glorious days..

now, it seems as if my goal has no end. it seems as if theres absolutely no promise that my goal’s gonna be achieved. but still i think i should go for it.just for the sake of reviving the old me, deducted the overweight/obese/shy/reserved aspect... i want the hard working old me back...

i mean im here, how can i give up all my skills? now im able to utilize my english, it is conversational, even though im not good at it and it comes and goes, i can’t lose it, because ive put so much work and effort into it. also ive put so many hours in learning programming, i also can’t lose that skill. i have learned a lot throughout like 5 years since i left high school, regardless of certain stagnation periods in between.

its like everything’s reoccuring just like nietzche and camus said... we’re like pushing that rock up the mountain again and again, only to see it rolling down the mountain.... when my sister was pregnant with my niece i was at a loss in life. and my life was miserable as my lil niece being taken cared of by my parents at home, i was staying at home every day all day stuck with them having nothing to do... but i did try to learn english and lose weight, those turned out fine. that was all that ive done... that was like 5 years ago when i collapsed... when my sister was pregnant with my nephew, i quit my customer service job. since then ive been staying at home with my parents and my nephew whos taken cared of by them... it has been nearly one year. he was born very close to my niece’s birth day. this is terrifyingly coincidental!i its like im going through all this shit all over again! except this time its 10 times more intolerable. cuz im 5 years older. times ticking. health’s deteriorating. im returning back to the state where i used to be at 5 years ago.

funny how i dont even have a strong and clear, realistic and executable goal in mind. currently the goals i have are greatly dependent on luck as well as the mentality of the herd which i see theres no promising future or guaranteed outcome. this scares me, leaving me paralyzed to move forward. 

but maybe it doesn’t have to be like this. since im already strayed away from the “right track”, i might just as well go along with it. i’ll take a bet, i’ll gamble my youth on something im truly passionate about. i want to educate myself, and spread that knowledge to the world. if i can’t achieve my goal and what not, i think u know what u should do.

waiting is definitely not a solution. it’s silly and stupid af to keep waiting. anxiety will build up inside u. u know this doesn’t feel right. so fucking do something already. dont use ur parents and ur nephew as excuses. u can do better i assure u. u were able to do so much and now u can do it too. consider this ur last battle, if u lose, the cost would be ur identity, urself.

[flora-land]

Opposite

The past few months I feel like have been a complete blur. It’s as of there has been this person that has been living my life, going out, being happy, showing people how fun and exciting and funny I can be, but that person doesnt feel like me. I feel like I got so caught up in going out all the time, trying to have fun, drinking, saying yes to everything that I rarely got a minute for myself to do what I actually doing or take a minute to be mindful or think about myself. I got it into my head that I always had to be doing something, seeing people, never standing still. I never sat in my room on my own, I was just constantly moving or doing something and it was amazing anf fun for a while and I loved it but you cant do that constantly as eventually it will wear you down, and thats what happened. So we know I have destructive depressive tendancies, thats no shock, thats always been there and something I may never escape, however, it becomes so much more dangerous when I constantly supress these thoughts and feelings and ignore them until they hit me like a tidal wave and theres nothign I can do except feel entirely consumed by these feelings that I dont even recognise myself anymore. I’ve had these moments before, they consume me with no obvious trigger or reason, it can be one small negative thought that mkes the final blow into the huge crack which is my self-esteme. And so this happened at approximetly 3.30am on wednesday 3rd April (technically thursday but it makes more sense like this in my head). I honestly have no idea what triggered it, i had such a fun night out with my friends, didnt get too drunk, remember all of it, jsut had a fun time dancing and being silly. Stayed till the lights came on, left with my housemate, got home and soemthing started to feel strange in my chest, I started to feel this werid hatred and anger starting to brew inside of my body and i had no idea why but it made be start to feel so out of control of myself. I went into my room on my own and sat on my bed and began to spiral, the negative thoughts in my head were uncontrollable and the feeling was flowing throughout my whole body, I felt so tense and my whole body kept getting hot and cold with a tingling feeling all over. this feeling wasnt foreign to me from dealing with panic attacks my whole life, but this time something felt really different. I wasnt worrying about anything, stressed about anything, triggered by anything, all I could think about was my self loathing and how much I hated everything about me. I have never experienced it on this extreme level before, normally its just thoughts and crying and feeling shit on and off for a few days, but this was something else. I really hated myself, I wanted to hurt myself. I was terrified. It’s something which is impossible to understand until you go through it yourself but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. So the next hour I spent battling with myself, my last few brain cells with any common sense fighting with the hatred, innevitably, they lost. It’s so so strange to me as i never ever thought I would becomenthis sort of person as i never understood it but when you’re so consumed by a feeling that you just want to get rid of feeling something else sort of makes sense. Its just a different feeling to focus on other than the black self loathing that surrounded my whole body. So yeah that was probably the lowest moment of my life so far. Its funny how it can jsut come out of nowhere, but in reality it didnt come out of nowhere, it had been building up for weeks and weeks but I had been ignoring it and pretending to myself and everyone around me that I was fine. Classic Flora move that lol. One good thing to come out of this all though is that i’m so lucky to have such amazing people around me who truely care about me, this is a first time that i’ve actually felt that I have people around me that I can really talk to about anything. One friend especially went truely above and beyond to make sure that I was okay and i’m still in shock that he did, he didn’t have to, he just did because he cares and it’s one of the first times in my life when i’ve felt that someone is doing for me what I would do for them. And it didnt come form someone who I expected it to, but it came from the person that I needed it to and i’m beyond grateful to have them in my life. I’m still learnign things about myself everyday, I feel like i’ve entered a new chapter in my life where aspects of my personality and things about myself are so so different that I don’t really understand them, but everyday i’m going to try to be more mindful and really pay attention in order to understand. One thing i’ve already learnt is that i’m such an extreme person, I never do anything in half, i’m either the happiest funniest most hyper person around, or i’m quiet, low and tired. There doesnt seem to be any inbetweens anymore but i guess that’s something i’ll have to work on understanding or controlling more. i’ve also learnt that i’ve very easily influenced and I dont even notice it, which is ironic as i’m also the most stubborn person ever. This is what i mean by the title of this post, 1) this post is opposite to my previous one where I was feeling happy and free and positive, and 2) its like I have two opposite personalities inside my brain and i dont konw which one is really me or which one is an act or whethe i’m just being influenced by other people or what makes me happier or feel more comfortable. Well at the moment it seems my head is just one big mess of thoughts and emotins that I need to work on organising. wish me luck.