#but also allowing myself to have treats and snacks when i crave them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

recoverywithgh0ul · 8 months ago

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Hey there! Ghoul here, welcome back to a what to annooother what I eat in a day~ Coming up on day 4 now (day 3 for instagram users), from now on I’m just going to refer to the total of days I’ve started this to make things easier lol. So far today has been pretty good, have a lot of plans, and I’m going to be very productive in terms of recipe planning and trying stuff out, so stay tuned~ also any inspiration I take from other recipes, I’ll link the OG one so, you guys can check it out. Without further a-due, lets get into the meals from the day. :>

(Also as usual a disclaimer, what I eat, is not a reflection of what you should be eating for you, of course you can take inspiration. Though at the end of the day, you should listen to your body, and fuel it with what it needs to thrive, keep going, you got this, choose recovery <3)

Breakfast~

For breakfast it was pretty straightforward and simple, I had half a breakfast sandwich, air fried potatoes, and apple slices~

(Breakfast was very good, and i was very excited for it. This made me realize, i don’t hate food, i actually really enjoy it- I’m just terrified of it and how out of control i get around it. But as long as i treat it as fuel and something to nourish my body and not emotional support. Everything will be okay <3)

Snack~

For a snack I just had four apple slices,,( I personally wasn’t very mentally hungry, but my body was physically hungry)

Lunch~

Rest of chili oil soup, 2 frozen taquitos, and green beans topped with honey and spicy garlic sauce, I also had a side of avocado~

(Lunch wasn’t the most mentally satisfying, but other than that it was good~)

Snack~

Avocado toast with tomato and sweet bell pepper, drizzled with honey and spicy garlic sauce

(Honestly so good 10/10 and a bit of a comfort meal, without turning to something like chips that would trigger a binge. Knowing your triggers can be so beneficial, especially when you’re in high stress situations/lh)

Dinner~

A repeat meal of yesterday too finish off leftovers, just adding the picture from yesterday as well~ spaghetti and meatballs with a side of BBQ broccoli and Brussels sprouts, i also had a few chips because i was craving them

Snack~

So for a night snack, i had a mini doughnut and a spoonful of PB and some frozen blueberries

(Tonight ended with not the best thought’s the feeling of being perceived honestly wasn’t the best, so there was a lot of shame around the fact that i was hungry, or was going back to the kitchen, etc. And unfortunately it just ended with me hardcore judging myself, but I’m gently trying to remind myself, I’m allowed to eat, and the fact that i might be having another meal or dessert, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. I was originally not going to get a picture because shame, but I’m going to prove to myself it’s okay, because it is. Stay strong, love yourself~ you deserve it <3)

Drinks~

Iced coffee

Water throughout the day(that I spilled like twice today rip :/ )

Low carb energy drink(not for diet, just for the taste)

Aloe Vera pineapple juice

As another what I eat in a day comes to a close, I’m realizing that no matter how anxious, or stressed I might feel, no matter how much food I consume- it’s not fixing anything. I’t a temporary fix, and eventually I’ll have to face the problem again. And the after affects and shame isn’t worth the temporary relief. It can be scary opening up to people or loved ones, but utilizing a support can be so vital in times like this, or just utilizing a good hobby. I know some days may feel harder than others, the beginning is always the hardest, but sticking with it, and choosing yourself will eventually come full circle and you will be able to look at your growth and feel proud. <3 Don’t give up, choose recovery, choose yourselves, until tomorrow~

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missspringthyme · 9 months ago

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March 14th, 2024

I spent a lot of time with german-american today. She's studying for an exam she's retaking that she's really stressed about, and I have 3,000 words to write. It's perfect.

Unfortunately, neither of us particularly wanted to be doing the things we were doing, the weather outside was gorgeous, and we were in some silly goofy moods. At one point I sat on the floor in the puddle of sunlight that was coming in through the window and did some work there. Finnish roommate had knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to get ice cream and oh my god did I desperately want to just enjoy the sunshine with an ice cream. Or sit up on the balcony and just enjoy the weather.

Instead, I got window sunlight.

I tried to use it as a motivator to get myself to finish faster. If the proposal was done before sunset I could get an ice cream. Instead, I ended up sitting upstairs with german-american, battling the clock.

We took a break and came downstairs for dinner. This is when we decided it would be a good idea to adjust all the lights in the ceiling. This was a harder task than initially anticipated, and in the process we broke one of them. We managed to hide our crime, but knew even the slightest touch would reveal the damage we had done. Additionally, in fixing it we had made it crooked.

When the boys came home we stayed silent while they commented on the changes in light positioning. German-american pointed to the crooked one, and without a second thought third-culture Australian lept up and smacked it like he was blocking a basketball. Although this meant the light was broken once more, it also meant that the crime could be placed on his shoulder's instead of ours. The boys immediately started attempting to fix it, becoming as Engineer Like as they could. Lots of mumbling about what tools they needed while standing on wobbly perches. In the end though, they did manage to fix it. Hooray!

After dinner, we headed back upstairs to work. With third culture Australian joining us a little bit later. If I'm honest, I was not very happy he wanted to come and work with us too. He talks to himself and is generally a very noisy worker, but this is made worse when he does anything on MATLAB. The last thing I needed was more distraction, but I couldn't really tell him no.

German-american and I made a big pot of sweet ginger tea to split between the 2 of us, which was an excellent choice. We went back and forth on which mug should go to which person, with her telling me to choose because she didn't want to decide. I could tell she really wanted the pink mug though, so I told her to take that one.

As the night went on, we all started to crave some snacks. I offered to make us all some of my protein mug cakes and so we took a break to enjoy those. Tragically, this backfired and now my appetite for treats had only grown. Looking down the barrel of an all-nighter, I told the other two that I would make a snack run to Rewe before it closed. This also meant that I got to go outside for the first time all day, even if it was just at night.

I allowed every indulgence, recognizing this very same mood from this time last year: diss season. I bought popcorn, paprika chips, hummus, baby carrots, a pain au chocolat, sour cola straws (spinnenbeine), chocolate for TCA, but no fizzy drinks. I consider that last one a mark of remarkable restraint. It also makes me wonder how being back in the US while I'm writing my thesis will look like. My family has never been a snack family, and there is a general disdain towards unhealthy foods. I can already hear the teasing if I tried to buy a soda while we went grocery shopping. Although I also happily snack on lots of non junky foods, they just tend to be more expensive, so maybe if I'm not the one footing the bill it won't matter anyway.

We all shared the snacks and german-american and I worked through 3 pots of tea. Eventually, they told me goodnight, leaving me all alone with my treats and my computer screen.

At some horrible witching hour, I started to feel the panic begin to seep into me. I have done far worse in a smaller amount of time, but this was different for several reasons. (1) I am feeling the effects of burnout, it has quite literally been less than a year since I wrote my last thesis and last semester was brutal (2) I really want to impress my supervisor and my second supervisor, and this would be the first time they would actually read and assess the quality of my work. Even if this is a pass/fail assignment, it represents a much larger test in terms of their opinion of me (3) As always, the literature in this field is dense and difficult to read. It is very easy to misunderstand concepts (4) I am not sure how much I actually understand, and by writing it all out, my supervisor will be able to tell exactly what I don't understand. I began to look back on photos from this time in years past and felt a manic delight in the knowledge that for the past few years I have consistently lapsed into insanity on this week. The notable highlights include, of course, me actively in the midst of writing my bachelors thesis (and also finally having french/dutch braids click for me, hell yeah) as well as frantically attempting to pack my life up and leave before borders shut at the very start of the pandemic. March 14th, 2020 I was in a shower after a night of no sleep, eating a miniature tub of hagen das fruit ice cream, fully losing my mind.

I texted T all of that and he managed to calm me down and also make me cry a little bit. He told me to remember how proud my 14 year old self would be of me right now and he's absolutely correct. I spent a minute whispering to myself the things that I had managed to do that little Alexa would be stoked to hear about and took a deep breath (I did a bachelor's in biology and psychology in Scotland, and finished with good grades and a 1st class dissertation; I figured out how to have nice nails and do eyeliner and french braid my hair; I'm living in Germany; I'm doing a masters in Neuropsychology; I'm on track to do a PhD etc etc). T offered to read through my proposal, but I was worried I wouldn't be finished with it before he went to bed, so instead I asked that he read my methods to make sure it made sense. He said it was fine and told me to send me the rest if I finished on time. I decided to head back downstairs for a change of scenery and to avoid potentially making eye contact with an employee of the building arriving for their day of work.

I did not finish on time for T to read it, but it was good enough for me to send to my supervisor for notes at a reasonable time before falling asleep.

#t #roommates #thesis #march

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pablice · 1 year ago

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How I Lost 30 Pounds Fast on the Carnivore Diet - My Success Story

What is the Carnivore Diet? The Carnivore Diet is a diet that focuses on eating exclusively animal-based foods. This includes meat, fish, eggs, some dairy, and certain other animal-based products. It eliminates all plant foods like fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, seeds, legumes, and pulses. The idea behind the Carnivore Diet is to get the maximum amount of nutrition possible from animal-based sources, while also reducing the intake of potentially harmful plant-based compounds and antinutrients. The Carnivore Diet values quality of nutrition over the quantity of calories and carbohydrates. Proponents of the Carnivore Diet claim that following the diet can lead to various health benefits, such as weight loss, improved mental clarity, better sleep, and improved energy levels. Some people also believe that following the Carnivore Diet can treat chronic issues such as autoimmune diseases, digestive issues, and mental health disorders. While there is some anecdotal evidence to support these claims, further research is needed to understand the full effects of the Carnivore Diet. My Weight Loss Journey I started my weight loss journey with a lot of enthusiasm and ambition. It was a big change for me and I was determined to make it successful. I started by setting achievable goals and committing to a timetable for regular exercise and healthy eating. I kept track of my calorie intake and followed a set meal plan that allowed me to gradually reduce my caloric intake. To have something to look forward to and sustain my motivation, I set rewards for myself after reaching certain milestones. I also began gaining knowledge about nutrition and healthy eating habits so I could stay focused and ensure I was getting the right level of nutrients from my meals. During this journey I found that understanding the basics of nutrition was essential for making positive lifestyle changes. I also involved friends and family to provide support and encouragement; it was especially useful for when I was having a hard day. Challenges I Faced The journey towards an ideal body shape and health was not always smooth sailing. I encountered several challenges on the way. One the most difficult was adhering to the diet strictly. In the beginning, it was receptive since I had to establish a new routine and reintroduce new foods in my meals. It was mentally exhausting since it took time to get used to it and abide by the diet plan. I also experienced physical changes and had to deal with cravings. During the start of my weight loss journey, I started feeling hungrier than usual because of the decrease in calorie intake. This caused great difficulty when sticking to the plan and getting rid of unhealthy cravings of fast food and snacks. Eating Habits I Adopted When I decided to start a carnivore diet, I knew I had to change my eating habits. After researching and learning more about the diet, I started making small but important changes to my daily diet. I started by cutting out most processed foods and added a few more free-range and grass-fed meats to my daily meals. This allowed me to have more nutrient-dense meals which also contained a good blend of essential vitamins and minerals. I also reduced the amount of carbohydrates that I ate and replaced them with healthy fats. This included more healthy and unprocessed oils like olive or coconut. Additionally, I made sure to consume whole foods that were rich in protein, such as eggs, fish, and poultry. By increasing my protein intake, I was able to keep my energy levels high throughout the day. These eating habits enabled me to effectively maintain my carnivore diet and achieve my desired weight loss goals. Exercises I Did I started to focus more on my fitness and I wanted to make sure I got as much exercise as possible. I incorporated a range of activities into my routine. I built up my cardio gradually with running and biking, and when I felt comfortable with those exercises, I began adding in weights and other resistance exercises. I also incorporated yoga and pilates as a way to stretch my body after every session. I wanted to make sure I got a good mix of exercise and I added a range of HIIT and Tabata workouts too. These short and intense workouts got my heart rate up and left me feeling energized. I also like to mix things up with dance classes or Zumba. Swimming laps and boxing were other activities I looked forward to too. Benefits I Experienced I began to appreciate the positive changes my body was going through. I experienced reduced fat levels in my belly and a heightened sense of energy. My body felt lighter and I could move freely without feeling heavy. I felt very content and appreciated the improvement in my overall health. I was pleased with being able to keep up my activity levels even after I changed my lifestyle. I had more endurance and stamina when it came to running and other forms of exercise. I was able to reach my fitness goals quicker than I thought possible and felt encouraged knowing I could do even more. Strategies to Stay Motivated Motivation is a major part of any successful lifestyle plan. Without it, sustaining such a lifestyle can be incredibly difficult. The key to staying motivated is breaking it down into manageable goals and focusing on the small steps you need to take to get there. Focus on one goal at a time and break it down further into daily activities and targets. Celebrate even the smallest of successes and remind yourself why you started this journey in the first place. Make it fun and give yourself rewards for reaching targets. Use affirmations to remind you of why you are succeeding. Reaching out to friends for support can also be a powerful motivator. Connecting and having conversations with likeminded people can help you stay focused and motivated. Healthy Lifestyle Habits I Developed To reach my goal, I implemented some positive healthy lifestyle habits into my daily routine. First, I replaced snacking with healthier snacks like fruits and nuts. I also incorporated a balanced diet with enough fiber, protein, and carbohydrates. Additionally, I stopped drinking fizzy drinks and consumed more water to stay hydrated. I also started a regular exercise routine. I started by going for walks and working up to jogging and running. I also incorporated strength training and yoga into my routine. I committed to exercising for an hour a day for maximum gain. Lastly, I included short bursts of physical activities throughout the day like running up and down the stairs, stretching, and deep breathing exercises. All these practices helped me not only become healthier but also stay motivated and energized. What is a carnivore diet? The carnivore diet is an all-meat diet that consists of only animal products, including meat, fish, eggs, and some animal-based products like dairy. It eliminates all types of plant-based foods, including grains, legumes, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. This diet is meant to provide all the essential nutrients the body needs while avoiding potential allergens and food sensitivities. What was my weight loss journey like? My weight loss journey was a long and challenging one. I started out by making small adjustments to my diet and gradually increasing the amount of physical activity I was doing. I kept track of my calories and monitored my progress to ensure my health goals were being met. After several weeks, I had lost a significant amount of weight and felt much healthier. What challenges did I face while trying to lose weight? One of the main challenges I faced was dealing with cravings and temptations. I had to find ways to stay motivated and not give in to unhealthy eating habits. I also had to learn how to properly fuel my body with the right kinds of foods. It was a difficult process but I was eventually able to make lasting changes. What eating habits did I adopt to help me reach my weight loss goals? I adopted several new eating habits to help me reach my goal. I cut out processed foods and added more fruits and vegetables to my diet. I also tried to eat smaller meals more often throughout the day instead of eating three large meals. I also incorporated healthy snacks into my daily routine to help keep me from feeling overly hungry. What exercises did I do to help reach my goals? I incorporated a variety of exercises into my routine. I did aerobic exercises such as jogging and cycling, as well as strength-training exercises like weightlifting and body-weight exercises. I also tried to do yoga and other forms of stretching to stay flexible and improve my overall health. What were the benefits I experienced from my weight loss journey? There were many benefits I experienced from my weight loss journey. Most notably, I had more energy, felt stronger, and was able to perform better in exercise and other physical activities. I also felt more confident and had improved mental clarity. What strategies did I use to stay motivated? I used several strategies to stay motivated. I set small, achievable goals and celebrated when I reached them. I also took time to reward myself for sticking to my healthy habits. Lastly, I connected with a support group of people who were also trying to improve their health and share tips and strategies. What healthy lifestyle habits did I develop? I developed several healthy lifestyle habits to help me reach my goals. I made sure to get enough sleep each night and stay hydrated throughout the day. I also kept a food journal to stay on track with my eating habits. Lastly, I made sure to take time for myself and do activities that I enjoyed to help relieve stress. Read the full article

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miyuwuki · 3 years ago

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The knb boys with a pregnant s/o? Pretty please? Can be nsfw if you'd like

here you go! :) i decided not to make it nsfw if that’s okay!

warnings: mentions of being horny

GOM x reader, kagami taiga x reader

pregnant you!

kise ryouta:

he will take days off his modelling work just to spend time with you

will make sure you’re comfy 24/7

he’ll talk a lot to your belly, saying things like

“can you hear me little thing? i’m your new dada, baby-cchi!”

will play music and put it next to your belly

“this song is so good! i hope you remember this!”

you laugh because it is just too wholesome

definitely takes a shit ton of pictures of you wearing different maternity dresses

captions it like “my s/o is still beautiful even when she’s preggo” or “the worlds not ready for kise baby-cchi”

calls all his friends (both kaijo, gom, especially kuroko) and talks about how the baby kicked or will send them pictures from the ultrasound

midorima shintaro:

he will always be in an arm’s reach if you need him

will have his lucky item, your lucky item, and the baby’s lucky item depending on the estimated date of birth

will constantly take you to the clinic to check up on the baby

will definitely make you eat healthier, but will allow you to indulge in your cravings sometimes

would constantly ask how you’re feeling; it will determine whether he can run errands for you or not

if you’re not feeling well, he’ll stay with you or call takao to stay with you while he does some grocery shopping

if you are, he’ll trust that you’d be safe alone until he gets back

while you both are asleep, he leaves a bit of distance so he doesn’t crush you but he’ll have his hand over yours

when you fall asleep first, he’ll rub your tummy and smile, happy to be starting a family with the love of his life. sometimes he’d speak to the baby too

“can’t wait to meet you,” he would whisper before falling asleep with you

aomine daiki:

struggles to deal with your mood swings. one day you’re laughing the next day you wanna rip his head off

usually cuddles you when you’re pouty

he’s much more affectionate and less teasing during this time

he would buy all your cravings

he would call momoi a lot for help

would not let you lift a finger while he scrambles around the house messing everything up

“that baby better not be ugly” spoiler, it’s not

would get frustrated if he’s horny and calls the baby a cockblock

at night he would tell you how he’s looking forward to starting family with you

“i’m gonna teach it everything there is about basketball”

murasakibara atsushi:

he would also feed you a lot; all different kinds of snacks

“baby-chin, try this new flavour i think you’d like it”

makes you drink a lot of water too when you don’t want to eat

“baby-chin should always be fed” he says with a pout

whenever you do something like go to the bathroom, he’d come with

“atsushi love, i can go pee by myself”

“no i need to watch over you”

would hold his phone with a cartoon for your unborn baby

you just laugh and let it happen

“this show is so good, i love binoo better than toopy”

akashi seijuro:

you aren’t even getting up

he’s helping, his maids are helping

you stay right in bed

he would get you anything you need and will be extra affectionate— kisses, cuddles, anything and everything

he would make you eat healthier and find ways to satisfy your cravings with a better substitute (which works because his chefs are amazing cooks)

would take time off to always be with you

would often tell you sweet nothings if you’re feeling anxious about the baby

lovingly rubs your tummy

would whisper how thankful he is for you before you both sleep

takes pictures of pregnant you because he thinks you look absolutely stunning with you holding his child in your womb

kuroko tetsuya:

would panic a little at first since he wouldn’t know how to provide you the most fitting care

but with also the help of momoi! he would treat you with so much delicacy, as if you were a piece of glass

buys a bunch of children’s books and reads them out loud

he would make sure not to scare you too much and will always let you know where he is

would take pictures of your belly

would send a picture of you and him to his friends at seirin and then GOM

will always tuck you in before bed

will honestly sing a little to your belly

“twinkle twinkle little star..”

is your personal butler, he’ll literally do everything you need him to do

kagami taiga:

will cook everything you for i mean everything

will cook for four— one portion for you, one for the baby, two for him maybe even more

he’ll tell you random facts about pregnancy and you’d be like “i already know that, taiga”

will take you out on walks to get that physical activity in

on some nights, he would cry to you, thinking about how he’s finally living his dream of building a family with you

he’s just so thankful

honestly will go a little overboard shopping for baby things; and he buys it in yellow because he doesn’t know if it’s gonna be a boy or girl

often hugs you from behind to feel your belly

whispers “i love you”

make sure he’s there for you all the time— especially during your moody moments. he’s the only one who can calm you down

HII ANON I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!! i honestly need more knb content..

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otter1962 · 2 years ago

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The Next Steps: Post Cancer

It’s been a while since I last posted to my blog. It is hard to believe that I found out I had colon cancer on May 13, 2019, and had surgery on May 23, 2019.

I had barely started to deal with my partner at the time leaving me for the stupidest reasons and suddenly my life was thrown into chaos with this cancer business.

I know that I have already discussed the chemotherapy that I went through and how I adjusted and survived it.

Coming out of my chemotherapy and immediately faced with COVID was really hard. It was a time when I discovered that I had neither dealt with the loss of my partner nor that I had had cancer. I felt like I was a blank slate and that somehow I had shed any sense of normalcy. I was going through the motions of teaching (granted it was online for March - June 2020) and wondering if I would ever get my spirit back. I know that I have discussed how I searched for meaning and finally opted to work on my energetic energy.

For most of the remaining months, I joined an online coaching group for energetic attraction. There, I learned about not being an over-the-top caregiver for everyone else and began taking care of myself first. I met a ton of amazing friends online and many of them are still my friends. During that time, I also let go of wanting my local friends to support me through cancer. I looked inside and found the strength to do it on my own - but had the courage to turn to several online friends who became my support network. They helped me let go of my disappointment with my local friends and allowed me to get close to my new best friends.

2020 and 2021 were the years of the COVID pandemic for me. I was in and out of the classroom, I spent the summer of 2020 by myself in my house in a small Nova Scotia town. I learned to follow my passions of gardening, cooking, weightlifting and my writing. They became the “Me Years.” I used that time to get to know myself and set my goals of where I wanted to go. It was a time when I focussed less on cancer and more on living my life the way I wanted to.

For the past two years after stopping my chemotherapy, I’ve made trips to the clinic for testing my cancer markers. I’ve had a yearly colonoscopy. Everything is still okay and I am in remission.

Since my last blog entry, I have lost several friends and acquaintances to cancer. I’ve also supported friends who are now going through cancer treatment. Cancer still makes an appearance in my life and it reminds me that I have to be diligent in my own recovery.

COVID was a time when I often couldn’t get to the gym to work out. It was also the time for Netflix and sitting on a couch, eating tons of snacks. I continued to eat like I was exercising at the gym. There was seldom a time when I turned on the TV that I didn’t start craving snacks - usually sugar-laden things or salty treats.

One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had a COVID belly. I knew that I had to make a change. The gym opened up and I began a series of cardio days, often 2-3 times per week. I was weight-lifting as much as I could because I tore my right pectoral muscle. It departed from my ribcage and now bounces to the right in a bizarre manner. I began to feel like my cancer was just the precursor to more injuries or problems with my body.

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of potential depression because I had spent so much time working on the real me. I’ve tried to be as proactive about my healing as possible. A year after tearing my pectoral muscle, I am still waiting on an MRI to determine the damage and what can be done about it. I’ve had to face that I’ve lost a lot of bulk on my chest as well.

I began to reflect on all these changes to my body and then the thoughts of how I was aging became forefront in my mind. I no longer felt like I was in the “zone” which was the place where I felt good about my body. This leads me to where I am at the moment: almost 60, with several injuries affecting me, a feeling that old age is catching up and that I am becoming invisible in the gay world because of my age.

So where will I go next? I am embarking on a new outlook on what my life will look like as I head toward retirement, ticking things off my bucket list and trying to finally enter the dating pool at the age of 59. I need to reflect on my health, my body, my spirit and how I can make the most of my remaining years on this planet.

As I close off this blog for now (who’s to say that I won’t post again) I want to mention my other blog about energetic attraction which can be found at: https://otterenergy1962.tumblr.com/. That blog has sat without an entry for a while. It does give me a sense of what I did during that self-discovery time during COVID as I search for the inner me.

Now, I am starting a new blog about dealing with my age, my health, my goals and above all, my passions. Please check it out at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962crystalball

Carpe diem my friends!

#fucancer #newstarts

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notnctu · 4 years ago

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to jaemin, my best friend’s boyfriend ♡

To All The J’s I’ve Loved Before Series by notnctu ♡ na jaemin x fem!reader ♡ genre - angst ♡ wc - 2.3k ♡ warnings - the act of cheating, explicit language ♡ synopsis - in which a kiss causes more consequences than satisfaction ♡ taglist - @colpen ; @cestmoncoeur ; @hyucksberry ; @lexiluness ; @lovelycharm05 ; @dearlyminhyung ; @classic-antifood ; @pikijaemin ; @whorefortaeyong ; @jaeismytamtation ; @skrtbeepbeep ; @justakpopstans ; @macaroni-sly ♡ a/n - let us know if you want to be on the taglist for the next ones!

Jaemin,

Writing this letter seems wrong. The feelings I had developed for you were wrong. I shouldn’t have fallen for your wide, sparkling smile. Or your dazzling, charming eyes. Or your deep, soulful song. You were everything that I envisioned in a happy relationship, but the thing was, you were already in one.

The moment she introduced us I tried to suppress whatever beating of my heart I felt when we made eye contact. She was my best friend and you were her boyfriend. But, I looked at you in the most selfish way.

I knew I liked you when you became my only motive to leave my house. When I felt the jealousy of your hand dangling on her shoulder. When I started to think about you more than I should’ve. When I couldn’t breathe at the sight of your happiness. I stole moments from you two like I wanted them to be ours. But the truth is, we never had an us. At least, that was what I thought before we kissed.

The kiss was wrong too, but you felt so right in my arms. The night was almost perfect, I know you remember it as well as I do. You showed up at my door with tear stained cheeks and just fell into my arms. You told me I felt safe. I was the only person that made you feel that way, not her, not anyone else. Me.

I replay the scene in my head at night and the feelings I felt when our lips met. You tasted like serenity and I was greedy thinking about how she took it for granted.

It’s so hard for me to admit these feelings and write them out. I have so much more reflecting to do and you’re honestly right to stop talking to me. But I fucking miss you like somehow I can’t live without you in my life anymore.

I beat myself up for falling hard for my best friend’s boyfriend. But somewhere along the lines and the times we spent together, even with her, you became much more than that to me.

I think I loved you, close to it probably. You were a feeling that intoxicated me so wonderfully, how could someone not wish to drown in all that you had to offer?

Jaemin, I really don't regret kissing you because she didn’t deserve you. I said it, she didn’t. We’re no longer friends, and it was for the better. She didn’t even seem hurt when I told her, like she was expecting it.

Maybe I had been too obvious with my feelings towards you, but she didn’t seem phased and let you go so easily. And trust me, you are not someone to let go easily.

I miss you. I’m not saying I deserve you either, knowing that I didn’t even respect your relationship. All I just want is for you to also acknowledge you felt something too. Even for a second, that I made your heart stop for longer than she could’ve.

-from my selfish thoughts, y/n

Na Jaemin had to be the most selfish love you’ve ever experienced. You were doomed from the moment you laid eyes on him walking hand in hand with your best friend. The sun rays highlighted his goofy, wide smile and added a distinct twinkle in his dark eyes.

The way he kissed the back of her hand when he’d bid her goodbye. The pout that appeared when she refused to give him a small kiss. The loving stares that he only gave her. The bear hugs that engulfed her small figure. The melodic laughs that played when he radiated happiness. The possessive arm that always draped around her shoulder.

Morals were thrown out the window when you felt the heavy, fast paced beating of your heart and your lingering stares exposed you before you could think twice. It was a wrong that felt right because of her mistreatment towards him.

There was absolutely no place for you to judge someone else’s relationship, but Jaemin’s sad eyes spoke louder than anything else in the room. It was her neglect and constant lack of reassurance that this puppy craved. However, your best friend was always lost in her own world and it was sometimes hard to even call her your best friend.

Her disappearances and silence made it easy to distance yourself from her friendship, but she came crawling back when she needed you. In some ways, you felt that she treated Jaemin the same way too.

So on this lonely night, when the couple would rather spend their evening strictly together, jealousy settled in your system in a horrible, distasteful way. Panning mindlessly through your friends’ social media, an adorable picture of Jaemin appeared on your screen. The moon crescents on his face from his big, beautiful smile and the signature peace sign. It had been posted barely an hour ago by her and a part of you wished that you never saw it.

How many times do you have to remind yourself? You were not entitled to their dates because they’re the ones in the relationship. Jaemin was only nice enough to always let you tag along. You took advantage of these offers, knowing that sometimes he invited you out of courtesy and not because they actually wanted you to be there. She mainly stopped inviting you because she noticed the hearts in your eyes whenever Jaemin looked in your direction.

The loud ding! of your phone startled you from your jealous thoughts. Your heart stopped when his name popped up on your screen and the message that accompanied it.

na jaemin: open your door pls ): she said you’d be home

you: you two are outside right now?

na jaemin: just me

The door revealed the unexpected company that stood with slumped shoulders on the other side. Jaemin’s red, puffy eyes blinked at the floor. His stature hunched forward in a depressing feat and droplets stained the hallway carpet at his feet.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Confusion, concern, cautious. He stepped inside when you allowed and lost himself in your arms. His heavy, tall figure almost caused you to lose your balance. Regardless, you caught him and embraced him tightly. He sobbed aggressively into your hair, and your hand patted his back awkwardly.

Jaemin hurried to your room, embarrassed if any of your housemates would catch him crying in their living room. Following the crying child, you grabbed a few snacks from the kitchen as a resource of comfort.

“I---” He peeked up at you through his wet eyelashes. “--didn’t know who else to go to. You’re the only person who I actually feel comfortable going to about all of this.”

The happy boy from the photo was no longer present before you. It was like someone shattered him in every way possible or he devastatingly dropped his ice cream cone. The urge to kiss away his tears held onto you strong, but the will to fight it was the only thing that kept you from acting out. You merely wanted to bring his smile back.

“What happened? I thought you two were on a date, it seemed so fun!” There was a lack of enthusiasm and cheerfulness in your voice. Jaemin knew you had no way of lying to him.

He sighed and wiped the tears that kept falling, “maybe if you had been there, all of this could have been avoided.”

“Jaemin, I can’t be at all of your dates as collateral damage. She already hates me hanging out with you two all the time.” You sat next to him on your bed. Almost instinctively, he pulled you into his side and rested his head at your neck. The intimate position made your heart beat sporadically and uncomfortably, scared that Jaemin would listen in to how easily he affected you.

His lips tickled your skin as he mumbled, “no one else has made me feel so safe before, not even her. That’s why I ended up here, the place that was going to protect me from the pain I felt today.”

His confession stunned you to a great magnitude. Until now, Jaemin has never expressed how he felt about you, even as his new friend. It had come to a shock to you that he admitted how you were his guardian angel, someone he’d turn to at a desperate time. He recognized he selfishly needed you to take away all the bad parts of life. To be with you meant only good times and a resolve that was nothing less of perfection.

Then, what happened next was the unthinkable and the unstoppable. Jaemin held you at your shoulders, coming face to face to your still shocked expression. You two blinked back at each other in the silence. Jaemin saw your wandering eyes that admired his pink lips. He never noticed before how pretty you truly were, not simply by appearance. He knew your heart contained something much more innocent than his own.

He leaned in and there was no hesitation on your part. His hot breath mixed with your own as he kissed you fruitfully and open mouthed. It was hard to pull away from something you had been yearning for since the moment you two met. The one thing you craved was the flavor of his lips and his tongue to lap with your’s. He tasted like every heaven that existed, serenity and tranquility.

A hot kiss that produced an addictive warmth in your chest. Your heart was beyond ready to burst at how you were kissing your best friend’s boyfriend. Anger rested in your thoughts at how she managed to take all of him for granted. He was too hard to let go, the feeling of him belonging in your arms. The mixture of feelings overwhelmed your body, pulsing through every vein with a thrilling love.

Jaemin kept surprising you throughout the night. Everything from him seemed platonic, like he didn’t bother to bat an eyelash at you or see you affectionately. But you were kissing him, in the most passionate way. Maybe you were being slightly delusional, but he devoured you greedily, like he had been wanting to taste you too.

His hand traveled to your jawline and caressed your cheek lovingly. Jaemin also pulled you closer by the end of your shirt, your right leg rested on top of his thigh. As you took everything you’ve ever wished for, guilt began to build at your needy fingertips. Not guilt that he had a girlfriend, but guilt that you had no self control and respect for his wavering, weak heart. You couldn’t be with Jaemin given the situation of how this had all started.

With a pop! you released one another. Jaemin’s lustful eyes widen, turning doe-like and apologetic. Confused stares and a sense of reflection on what had just happened. A million questions ran through Jaemin’s mind as he saw how plump, and red your lips had become.

His initial feeling coming here has grown to be much worse. There was a sickly, awful feeling that pulled at his heartstrings. How could he ruin even the good parts of his life?

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N).” His head dropped into his palms, gathering deep breaths. His thoughts were intoxicated, too clouded for any possible good judgement. “That should’ve never happened.”

“Jaemin, I’m sorry. We can just pretend it didn’t.” The feelings of love were being replaced by pain, probably the same Jaemin felt walking into your apartment.

He shook his head, repeating no in nothing above a whisper. “We can’t pretend and stay friends like this.”

“Wait, you’re ending our friendship over a mindless kiss?”

The sad boy stood up and his hands balled up in a tight fist. The true secret was that he was incredibly angry with himself. “It wasn’t mindless, it was a mistake. I can’t look at you the same when you kissed me back with so much feeling. I can’t be around you knowing that I’d want to kiss you again.”

Like a trigger, the tears slipped down your cheeks quietly. You both were aware of the consequences you had to face from a simple kiss. You just weren’t prepared for them yet. “Okay, you’re right. It’s only for the best and I’m not like her. I will prioritize you before my own feelings.”

Jaemin sighed loudly, like he was emptying all the air in his lungs. His jaw tightened at your words, “whatever happens, just know you are not the only one at fault. I won’t let her pin this on you.”

Despite such a betrayal, he was such a noble person. Telling her didn’t even cross your mind because that would have to open another can of worms you kept sealed. But Jaemin would be practically eaten alive with this secret and this, you knew all too well.

“I’m sorry, not to her, but that I let my selfishness lose you.” You stood up by his side. He held your face once more, a thumb rubbing your stained skin.

A small, hopeless smile appeared on his tired canvas. “I’m sorry to you too. We need the distance to reflect on the past few months.”

With that, you walked your crush to the door. He checked his phone to reveal several missed calls and texts from his girlfriend. Sighing, he turned to hug you briefly, afraid of lingering for too long.

“Lastly, I want to thank you for being a temporary solace and for dealing with even my vulnerable sides.”

“I really don’t deserve you because you deserve someone who makes you happy.” Your tears choked you, making it incredibly difficult to speak without sounding like a mess.

Jaemin wasn’t going to waste his tears on you. He couldn’t possibly be hurting the same as you were, or so you thought. “As do you. I don’t deserve you either.”

He kissed you like he meant something from it and that’s why he needed distance. He was afraid of admitting his own feelings because his moral compass didn’t allow it.

A kiss brought more pain than it did satisfaction. If you could erase the ugly parts that followed, you would do it in a heartbeat. Jaemin was your’s momentarily, despite all the confusion and the consequences.

#nct scenarios #jaemin scenarios #na jaemin scenario #nct #na jaemin #jaemin #nct series #nct scenario #nct imagines #nct dream #nct dream scenarios #nct dream imagines #nct dream scenario #jaemin angst #nct angst #nct dream reactions #kpop scenarios #to all the j's i've loved before

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years ago

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Do you have any tips on how you deal with your bad trauma days that you're comfortable sharing? I know they won't work for everyone, but I'm having a bit of a nasty trauma day and I'm not quite sure how to handle it tbh. thank you in advance :]

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day :( I don't mind sharing, and even if I can only share the things that help me personally, I really hope some of this can help you or someone else! And, of course, the following tips are all coming from someone who is not living in an unsafe or abusive situation anymore; so this might not be helpful for someone having a bad trauma day while still being in a traumatic situation.

I think, for me, one of the most important steps of getting through bad trauma days is to realise I'm having a bad trauma day. During those days, it's easy to get carried away by my messy thoughts and emotions and take them as fact. For example, I might feel really hopeless, or defensive, or out of control, and in the moment those feelings are so real it's hard to remember how it is to not feel that way. It's like my brain decides this is what life as a whole feels like and rolls with it.

When this happens, I try to ask myself is this: “was I feeling this way yesterday?” (or an hour ago, or a three days ago?). “Did I feel like there was no hope for me or like everything was too much and too painful yesterday?” Most often, this far into my recovery, the answer is no. I was having a fine day yesterday. Everything felt under control yesterday. And remembering this this helps me believe it'll feel that way again tomorrow and that what I'm feeling right now is temporary—it's a wave I've ridden many times before, and I just have to ride it again.

Once I've realised this, I take a few minutes to accept that the next few hours or couple or days are gonna be rough and messy, and I’m allowed to not be hard on myself for not achieving the same things I would on a normal day. You know those posts that say "your best looks different every day"? During bad trauma days, I make an effort to accept that my best is going to be very very low, and that's okay. It's okay if all I do is survive, rest, and work on soothing myself and riding the wave. With some luck, everything else will be able to wait a little bit—a couple of hours at the very least.

What I do to get through the worst of it varies. Sometimes, I lie in bed stay away from people and my phone for a bit, because I know I might say or do something impulsive or hurtful. I allow myself as much time as I need to go through all the heavy and ugly emotions and cry if I need to, and only move out of bed when I feel a bit more in charge of myself again.

Sometimes, I vent-write about the emotions I'm going through to express myself. I usually write stories where the characters are experiencing the same things as I am but for completely different reasons so I don't trigger myself further by remembering my own experiences.

Sometimes, I do things that comfort and distract me, like watch a feel-good movie I've watched 30 times or funny/cute videos online.

I always try to allow myself anything my body tells me I need in the moment (as long as it's not self-destructive, of course). If I'm craving something salty, I'll eat a bag of chips, for example. If I need to cancel plans, or to turn the lights off, or to lie down, or to put on clothes with soothing textures, or to hug a stuffed toy, I'll do those things. If I start falling asleep, I allow myself to fall asleep. I've found when I'm in distress it's pretty easy for me to know what my body needs, but it's also easy to try to deny myself those things because I feel like “they're silly or I don't deserve them”. So I make a conscious effort to fight that voice and try to treat myself like a would any sick person I was taking care of: with compassion.

In addition, I think it’s a good idea to keep around things or tools you might need in future bad days. For example, when I cry, I usually crave something tasty afterwards, so I try to keep a small stash of snacks around that I can turn to on bad days (since during those days I might not be able to go buy them). Other people might find it helpful to have apps like Calm Harm or Emergency Chat installed, or to carry a comfort item or a stim toy around, or to own an extra soft blanket or something you bought for the sole purpose of breaking it if you really need to break something at any point.

Of course, not all these things can always be done—sometimes you're not home or you have responsibilities to attend to, and can’t just take a nap or distract yourself. But I think just being aware of your needs during bad trauma days, and allowing yourself to meet those needs when possible even if it means putting almost everything else on hold for a little bit, can really go a long way.

I also think even though an important part of trauma recovery can be to step out of your comfort zone and face things that feel scary and unsafe, during bad trauma days it's okay to stay in your comfort zone and not face those things. So if, for example, busses make you feel unsafe or anxious, but you're making an effort to ride them when you need to (instead of avoiding them at all costs), I think it's okay if facing the bus is too much during a bad trauma day and you end up avoiding it. You don’t need to be hard on yourself for it. Again, your best doesn’t have to look like it usually does. Bad trauma days are survival days, not recovery days. You can work on continuing to recover when you're feeling better again.

Sending a virtual hug ❤ I hope you feel better soon, and if anyone else wants to share their advice, you’re more than welcome to!

#ask #trauma #trauma recovery #ptsd #cptsd #ptsd recovery #cptsd recovery #abuse mention #trauma tw #abuse recovery

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amelialincoln · 4 years ago

Text

Haunted

“I’m not good at secrets,” Link complained as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. “Especially when it’s good news.” He glanced at Amelia with a wide, boyish grin on his face that made her chuckle.

“I know, babe.” She rolled her eyes. “You were telling Jo within seconds after I told you last time and we weren’t even sure that was good news yet.” Link’s eyes widened as his best friend’s name was mentioned.

“Shit, that’s gonna be hard.”

“Avoid her,” Amelia groaned, grabbing her work bag and opening the car door.

“Hey!” She glanced back to find Link waving a banana and a bottle of water.

“Not this again,” she muttered, remembering the constant nagging she received during her pregnancy with Scout. “We found out last night, Link, I don’t even qualify as pregnant yet.”

“And that’s where you're wrong. I put the prenatals in your purse. Remember the folic acid. We don’t want neural tube defects.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Amelia responded, grabbing the banana and water bottle from his wavering hands. “Wipe that grin off your face, everyone’s gonna know the moment you step into the E.R.”

“We’re having another baby,” Link sang, jogging a couple steps in front of her and glancing back with amusement.

“I hate you!” She called, trying to wipe the grin off her face as her husband waved goodbye without turning back.

Unlike Link, Amelia wasn’t paged for the upcoming trauma. Something she didn’t necessarily mind so she made the quick trip to her office instead. The room seemed stale from the week of time off they’d taken for their honeymoon. Scout’s face was priceless when the couple walked into the house last night after spending the week with Link’s parents. She wished they’d been able to spend more time with him but she promised they’d visit him at daycare, which Mer was dropping him off at for them midday. She fished through her bag finding that Link had gone a little overboard on snacks.

“Classic,” she muttered, knowing he’d probably end up eating half of them anyway. She took the prenatals easily, washing them down with the water bottle that her husband had provided and internally wishing she had a thermos full of coffee.

“Hey, are you not coming?” Maggie, stuck her head in Amelia’s office, breathless from running. “Big trauma? I’m sure you’re needed.”

“I didn’t get a page.” Amelia replied, now understanding Link's inability to keep good news to himself. Staring at Maggie’s happy expression made her want to blurt out the news so bad.

“Probably a mistake since you were off for the week. We need to catch up later over dinner or something. Just come with me now.” Her eyes flicked to the desk. “Whoa what’s with all the vitamins? You always made fun of my ‘bullshit’ morning routine.”

“Uh, Bali inspired me I guess,” Amelia sputtered.

“Ugh, I’m so jealous!” Maggie squealed. “Can’t wait to hear all about it.” Amelia nodded, following her sister as they joined the mass of doctors that were heading to the E.R.

[][][]

“Did you page, Amelia?” Was the first thing Link said to Bailey after their week off. Bailey stared at the ortho surgeon blankly, trying to control the chaos that E.R. was descending into. “Wha--”

“I made sure she wasn’t,” Webber affirmed, seeming to come out of nowhere. People were staggering around like zombies and Link swallowed uncomfortably.

“She can’t get near this today. Can we send a resident up to her office to distract her? Or just ask her to take the day off? Are you okay with being here?” He asked Webber, glancing around the room.

“I’m fine,” Richard affirmed to him and Bailey. “More of a drinker.”

“Amelia says it’s all the same.”

“If I wasn’t fine I would make that clear,” Richard shook his head. “I’ll find a resident for Shepherd. You’re needed in trauma four.” Link nodded, glancing around the E.R. once more before following the general surgeon into the crowded room.

[][][]

It was the smell that hit Amelia first as she and Maggie entered the E.R. It wasn’t like she hadn’t treated patients who reeked of weed before but the entire wing seemed to be exuding the smell of marijuana. She stumbled back slightly.

“What happened?”

“Train slid off the rails over that skate park on Elm where all the stoners hang out,” Teddy yelled over the commotion. “The majority of those injured are completely out of their minds. One of my guys tried to shoot himself up with saline. All the nurses are complaining about veins.”

“Oh,” Amelia swallowed, Teddy nodded and turned back to her patient who had begun to seize. “Little help, Shepherd?”

“Just a sec,” Amelia answered blankly, turning the corner abruptly to try and get away from the smell that was seeping into every pore of her scrubs. She pushed an intern aside before stumbling over to a waste bin and throwing up the contents of her breakfast. She tried to push the intrusive thoughts entering her mind away with no success. Her arms covered in needles, her head in a peaceful daze, Ryan. Every part of her wondered what her life would be like if he were still here, holding her, every night.

“Amelia!” A voice snapped her out of her thoughts before strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her up from her place against the wall. “Can you hear me?” She willed herself to answer, trying to focus on the familiar face that was shaking her shoulders forcefully. “Get out of the way!” Link shouted as hospital staff parted to allow for him to lead her out of the E.R. and into an on call room. “Amelia.” He pulled her into his chest, running concerned hands through her hair.

“The smell is covering me,” she mumbled, Ryan still flickering in her mind. Link nodded, pulling off his scrub top before removing hers, along with the rest of their clothes and tossing them into a waste bag.

“Go shower,” he motioned to the small bathroom connected to the room. “I’ll grab your clothes and be right back.”

“Don’t leave,” she begged, knowing that if he did she might find herself back in the E.R. surrounded by the very thing her mind was aching for. Link nodded, texting a quick message to Maggie before guiding her into the bathroom and turning on the shower head. Amelia’s thick hair absorbed smells quickly and he cleansed it until all that was left was the light fragrance of spring flowers before doing the same to his own. Maggie knocked on the door as Link wrapped Amelia into a towel and led her towards the bed.

“I’m sorry, this is all my fault,” Maggie exclaimed as she handed Link their clothes through the crack in the door.

“It’s okay, you couldn’t have known,” Link assured the worried cardio surgeon. “Bad day to come back,” he tried to joke, the worry in Maggie’s eyes didn’t lessen. “I’ll keep you updated,” he finally said. Maggie nodded, slowly shutting the door.

“Do you remember when we had that conversation after Scout was born?” Amelia’s voice came numbly from behind him. Link turned, making his way to the bed and placing a hand on her thigh before answering.

“Yeah. The one after I tried to propose to you the first time?” He willed his voice to be light.

“When I told you about wanting to get high before I went to bed and when I woke up and every so often when I was feeding Scout.” Link waited as her voice wavered. “It’s gotten better. Now it’s usually only right before I close my eyes at the end of the day. Just a little rush of euphoria I get that begs me to sneak out of our apartment and drive to a dispensary. And then I really think about it and I realize how much that would fuck up everything that I love the most. But the thought never goes away. It just lingers and waits until something like today happens. And then that little voice is suddenly screaming and I’m stuck trying to convince myself that my love for the people in my life trumps the love I have for the feeling of being high.”

“Does it?” Was all Link could think of to ask as he carefully slipped a tank top over her shivering chest.

“When there’s an E.R. full of people who have devoted themselves to feeling exactly what my body craves for every day, I’m not sure.” She answered truthfully, relaxing as he guided the tank top over her flat stomach. Link nodded, trying to suppress the impulse to yell at her about the condition she was in. “But then I remember that I’m a mother...and that I owe it to my kid...kids to be stable enough to bring another life into the world. Even though I know they’d be fine with just their dad.”

“We would not be fine,” Link acknowledged firmly, wanting to shake her out of the daze that she was in. “I would not be fine.” Amelia nodded blankly.

“Can you hold me?” Her voice was soft. “And can you describe our baby again? Like you were doing last night?” Link nodded, rolling up her shirt carefully and placing a gentle hand on the bottom of her abdomen.

“Mhmm,” he held back any tears that were threatening to fall from the thought of ever losing her. “Our baby is going to be a splitting image of her mother. With long chocolate curls and ocean blue eyes. Oh and stubborn, to the point where you can’t bother arguing with her because she is also always the smartest person in the room. She’ll have my nose and skin that actually sunburns. Which means she’ll have to learn to apply sunscreen like her dadda and not like her brother or mom. She’ll be upset about this first, wanting her mother’s perfectly tanned complexion but she’ll get used to it. She’ll have her mother’s body type, slim and athletic, but her dad’s height and, like Scout, she will…”

#amelia shepherd #amelink #amelink fanfiction #amelink fanfic #amelinkfanfic #atticus lincoln #atticus link #greysanatomy #atticuslincoln #myfics #fanfiction

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whentherewerebicycles · 4 years ago

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You seem to be really amazing at executing planned changes with food and exercise (and also generally better psychological habits) - can i ask for advice on this? I’ve finished up studying for now and realise my body has turned into a twisted up, pudgy, weakened wreck! Exercise hurts and sugar/processed food feels so cosy and I can’t seem to get through this part where i have to feel discomfort for a while before i feel better!

What works for you? Should i read that atomic habits book you mention? I saw another one recommended - the Kindness Habit - do you know anything about it?

(I tried journaling btw - but it didn’t get me anywhere)

hello!! i can share some things that have worked for me when it comes to implementing longer-term changes in diet and exercise. these seem really simple but i think that actually making big lifestyle changes is much less about summoning up colossal amounts of willpower and much more about making small but important tweaks to the way you think about/approach diet and exercise. here are five things that have been helpful to me.

(1) don’t think of diet changes in terms of restrictions (i.e., “what delicious cozy sugary things do i have to deprive myself of today to be Good”). instead, approach diet changes as a fun little game of adding in as many good things as possible (fruits, veggies, leafy green things, nuts of all kinds, whole grains, beans, etc.). every single time you are preparing a meal or looking for a snack, describe it to yourself as a chance to be creative and resourceful, as you think about fun ways to add in small good things every time you eat. especially in the early weeks, don’t restrict foods from your diet at all. focus solely on finding a creative way to add in something healthy and delicious every time you eat. (i really liked using the daily dozen checklist when i was starting out—they have an app and it’s very satisfying and fun to see how many things you can check off the list each day.)

(2) narrate this “adding-in” game aloud to yourself. for example: “oh—what if i eat a big handful of berries on top of that ice cream?”, or “i’m hungry—ooh, there are carrots in the fridge, aren’t there? i’ll eat three carrots with hummus before i switch over to pita chips”). and every time you figure out a creative way to add in a good food, stop and observe yourself doing it, and let yourself feel a little spark of delight at how clever and creative you’re being. this sounds silly, but i swear it works! part of changing your habits is changing self-talk & especially changing the kind of running narrative you have in your head about who you are and what you do. you can change that narrative in part by repeatedly reframing the way you tell it to yourself, ideally aloud (or aloud in your head) to help you can better “hear” and internalize the new story. instead of “ugh... i ate ice cream again. why don’t i have any self-control? why am i someone who just eats like crap?”, you’re offering your brain an alternate story, one that focuses less on things you perceive yourself as lacking, or on things you ‘failed’ to do, and more on the creative, positive things you did do (“i wasn’t going to eat any fruit today, but wasn’t it great that i remembered we had those frozen berries in the fridge? that’s pretty creative and resourceful of me, and plus it’s a good way to use up something i’d forgotten i even had”).

the “noticing and feeling delighted” part is just as important. to successfully change a habit, you need to find creative ways to make the new habit pleasurable in and of itself. the more pleasure you feel when you do it, the more self-reinforcing the habit itself becomes. you might not experience eating healthy foods as intensely pleasurable (at least at first, especially if you are comparing them with the intense brain-hacking pleasure that super sugary foods give us). so don’t try! instead, focus on making the choice a source of pleasure and delight. "look at how clever i was! look at how creative i can be! look at what a good choice i made! look at how good i am at this game of adding in!” that act of stopping, narrating, and letting yourself feel genuinely pleased with what you’ve just done makes the choice to add something in pleasurable, which in turn can help fuel your sense that this isn’t about having iron willpower or about cruelly depriving yourself of delicious things, but is about playing a fun little game with yourself, creating little challenges or puzzles for yourself throughout the day and then giving yourself positive reinforcement when you figure them out.

(3) manage your environment to set yourself up for success. to paraphrase the atomic habits book: the people who seem to have the best willpower are the people who have to exercise it the least. and they have to exercise it the least because they’ve very effectively managed their environment, arranging things so that the desired choices are easy and “frictionless,” while the undesired choices or habits are more inconvenient or introduce more friction (it’s harder to get to them).

the easy starter version of this (from atomic habits): put the things you want to eat in highly visible places and/or in appealing arrangements, and put the things you don't want to eat in places that aren't visible or that are inconvenient to access. ice cream goes in the very back of the fridge, buried behind all the other stuff. nuts go in a bowl on your desk so that you can idly snack on them while you work. apples and bananas go in a big brightly colored bowl right on the counter, so that every time you pass through the kitchen your eyes are drawn to them. chips go in the bottom cupboard, the one below eye level that you don't use very often, and when you get them out you pour some into a bowl and put them right back in there (instead of leaving the bag out on the counter). make the choice you want to make easy, and make the choice you don't want to make harder to get to.

eventually, the most effective way of managing your environment is just to exercise total control over what comes into your own living space. for me, if i don’t want to eat it, i don’t have it in the house. i typically also place a curbside delivery grocery order so that i don’t have to go into the store—anything that comes into my house is something i made a deliberate choice about ordering, not something i wandered by a shelf and added to my cart because i wanted a treat. something i’ve learned about myself over the years that moderation is just not in my vocabulary—i’m an all-or-nothing person, and it’s SO much easier for me to just not have stuff i don’t want to eat in the house. no ice cream in the house. no alcohol in the house. no fried things, no chips, no candy, etc etc. if someone kindly brings me baked goods that i did not ask for, i genuinely appreciate the gesture, but as soon as they leave i give them to my next door neighbor or dump them in the trash. (SORRY TO PEOPLE WHO BAKE FOR ME!) if it's in the house i'll eat it. if it's not, i won't, and i also won't miss it.

i did do this pretty gradually at first, though! when i switched to a primarily whole food plant-based diet, i focused on playing the adding-in game for a couple weeks, and then when i started getting competitive about it i decided to use my grocery order as a way of creatively boosting my fruit/veggie/etc consumption even more, and in the process i started winnowing out things that took away chances to add in a good thing. i would say it took about three or four weeks to get to my personal ideal state of Nope I Don't Have It In The House.

it takes time, but i’d say that within a month of having only things you want to eat in the house, your cravings will be gone, at least within your own managed environment (going to restaurants or traveling DOES require you to exercise willpower, but there are ways to prepare for this in advance). the good news, though, is that 6-8 months or so of eating like this usually brings with it such improved sleep, mood, energy levels, skin, hair, GI function, etc etc that you start to be like oh my GOD why would i want to eat that horrifying thing?? I KNOW HOW BAD IT MAKES ME FEEL!! I WANT TO POWER MY BODY WITH PLANTS!!!!! in other words, the pleasurable side effects of eating well becomes positively reinforcing in its own right, while the negative effects you experience when you reintroduce sugar or fried things tends to reinforce the idea that those foods Feel Bad.

(4) it's not exercise, it's movement. i too used to hate exercise and found it extremely painful and tedious and horrible. so instead of exercising i just started moving. i canceled my membership at the local dog bar, where i had been taking my dog almost every day to let him run off excess energy, and started talking short walks with him twice a day instead. if you don’t have a dog, offer to walk your friends’ dogs—trust me they will lose their MINDS with joy lol. i think that starting to build in regular walks is the best way to get active again, because walking is typically quite pleasant and it becomes positively reinforcing to like, wave at the same neighbors every day, and see the cute kids next door running around, and notice all the ways that the trees and flowers are changing, and so on.

if you do not find being outside inherently pleasurable (sometimes i do not lol esp if i’m grumpy about having to walk the dog), tie another pleasurable activity to your daily walk. i listen to about six hours’ worth of hockey podcasts a week and i am only allowed to listen to them on my walks, so i end up looking forward to the walk because i’m desperate to hear people talk about My Guys. you can also walk with friends, or call a friend while you’re walking, which is even better than podcasts!! social walks are so much fun and go by so much more quickly. i started out just doing daily 15 min walks, and over the past couple years have built up to walking between 60-90 min a day when i’m at home. sometimes i hate/dread my walk; sometimes i love it and look forward to it. but regardless of how i’m feeling, i do it every day and if i miss it once, i don’t miss it a second time.

as far as activity goes, i think it’s totally ok to just be a person who walks a lot! but i’ve found that becoming someone who walked a lot helped change my own narrative of myself—I started to think of myself as a walker, an active person who moved a lot every day. and that made it easier to pick up other forms of activity too, or at least to adopt a curious, exploratory attitude towards other forms of movement. also once you start tracking your active minutes you tend to get quite competitive about it! or at least i do, lol. i keep a note on my phone where i write down the date + type of activity + total number of minutes I did after every burst of activity, then at the end of the week i add it all up and compare it to the previous weeks. it makes me want to do more, to beat my own numbers—or it makes me want to keep up a streak (like, if i have a five-week period where i’ve consistently hit a certain level of active minutes every week, i don’t want to break it!!).

my biggest suggestion for exercise, though, is to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy and what kinds of things you don’t, and then to spend all your time doing things you like. i HATE structured fitness classes and workout videos. i hate them so much!!!!!!!! but i love being outside, i love doing solo activities (as opposed to group workouts), and i love doing any form of movement that doesn’t feel like a Planned Workout, capital w. also becoming a hockey fan got me really interested in skating, so i picked up rollerblades and found that to be amazingly fun too (something i can do outside AND something that feels like gliding around effortlessly AND something that makes me feel closer to My Favorite Guys!!!!). you may not have passionate feelings about hockey fandom as i do, but i think it’s really just about being creative—finding a creative way to link something you don’t love to something you do love, or find pleasurable, so that you can start forging those positive associations.

i spent my first couple years of being more active just walking walking walking, and then this past year during the pandemic when i really ramped up my movement i added in longer walks, hikes, and rollerblading, and i also looked for ways to “habit-stack,” ie attaching an activity i don’t much care for (running; exercise biking indoors; doing squats and lunges) to one i do enjoy (i take my tennis shoes when i go skating and then go for a run immediately afterwards, before i have time to talk myself out of it). there are still all kinds of things i don’t do—i really don’t love strength training + bodyweight exercises yet, and i hate stretching even though I Know I Should, and i know that if i want to get stronger and faster, or build up my endurance, i will eventually need to introduce some element of structured training into my daily movement.

BUT the idea of making those changes seems kind of cool to me now, instead of Horrifying and Dread-Inducing! i feel like all the positive associations i’ve forged have made me more curious and open to ideas i would’ve resisted with my whole being not all that long ago. i found a way to make movement pleasurable, and then (thanks to sports fandom + my tendency to go down research rabbitholes) i found a way to get myself intellectually and emotionally engaged in the general concept of being a highly active person. for me, that combination of real pleasure + intellectual/emotional stimulation is what i personally need to build & maintain good habits.

(also, just shoehorning this in at the end because i like it: the “it’s movement, not exercise” mindset shift was also really helpful to me because it stopped me from thinking of exercise as like, this highly structured, regimented, torturous thing you forced yourself through for a set period of time each day, and helped me instead think of movement as something that humans are designed to do & to naturally enjoy. instead of Forcing Myself to Exercise, i looked for more natural-feeling forms of movement that didn’t feel so artificially divided from my “real life.” i think that helped with reframing my self-narrative, too! it made being active feel more integrated into my daily life, which in turn made it easier to think of myself as an active person, someone for whom movement was just a normal part of daily life and not a thing i had to psych myself up to do every day.)

(5) it takes time to build good habits, but not nearly as much time as you might think, and eventually you stop thinking about how long you’ve been doing something and you just start enjoying it (ie it becomes a genuine change in your lifestyle/thinking, not an artificial thing you have to work hard every day to maintain).

i am not yet AN ATHLETE and may never be, but i often remind myself that it took me a little under 30 years to build up a PROFOUND aversion to exercise, so it’s actually kind of miraculous that in just two years i’ve become someone who genuinely, earnestly, enthusiastically enjoys being active and feels antsy/weird/restless when i can’t get out of the house and move. every small stride i’ve made has strengthened my trust in myself and helped me reframe the narrative i tell myself about what kind of person i am and what i do/don’t do. every time i do the thing (whether it’s exercising or making a delicious healthy dinner) & happily notice myself doing it, i reaffirm to myself that i’m the kind of person who takes care of my body and mind by eating well and spending lots of time moving outside. (as a side benefit, when i spend a lot of time happily noticing things and speaking encouragingly to myself, i also reaffirm to myself that i am a happy person who treats myself kindly and who is always eagerly seeking out experiences that feel joyful and life-affirming.)

plus, the more often you do something, the more opportunities you have to have positive experiences while doing it! not every walk is AMAZING, LIFE-CHANGING, DEEPLY FULFILLING, but like, if i am walking seven days a week, that’s seven opportunities for something cool or fun to happen on a walk (not to mention seven opportunities to reap all the physiological & emotional well-being benefits of exercise!!). and if i am really conscious and intentional about noticing and actively delighting in those positive experiences, i help wire in those positive associations more deeply, and my brain/body increasingly comes to associate movement with happiness, joy, and fulfillment. as the habit of being more active becomes fulfilling in and of itself, i don’t have to expend as much energy tricking or cajoling or bribing myself into doing it.

i hope this helps!! i am literally always happy to write extremely long essays in respond to simple anon questions, lol, so if you want to talk more about your own ideas for building better habits please do share!! i can also rec you specific books that i’ve found really useful—both for just like, helping me figure out how to make big changes, and also for providing that intellectual stimulation that gets me more engaged in wanting to eat well & be more active.

(also, on the extremely slim chance that you are also a hockey fan: over in my fandom sphere, we are organizing a fun summer thing inspired by one of our fave hockey players, where we’ll be planning lots of fun fannish community things to get ourselves moving this summer. it’s going to be a good time!!)

#food #movement #mw

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xbunnybunz · 4 years ago

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The terrible, you. (3/5) [Wolf Keum x Reader]

Summary: After Wolf Keum unwittingly rescues you from seedy men in the dead of night, he can't shake you from his side. After a while, he's not sure if he wants to.

Genres: Romance

Date: June 16, 2020

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You did not appear again the next day.

Wolf Keum had not been waiting for you to present yourself. He made sure to remind himself of that.

Yet, the endless chatter of the “girl looking for Wolf Keum” going around Ganghak was grating on his nerves and disallowed him to purge you from his mind.

As someone his classmates could barely bring themselves to look at, he was an awful popular point of contention. You had made a bigger mess than you could imagine.

“I’m telling you, she’s way too cute for him. I’ve seen her working at the flower shop by the underpass, and I don’t think she could be interested in him like that at all, ever. Too bad for him.”

As one of the strongest members of Yeongdeungpo, Wolf Keum’s personal business was always made public business in a matter of days, or in this case, hours. He had first looked upon this with irrational contempt, wondering why his name belonged in anybody’s mouth if they could barely utter a syllable in his presence. After a while, he realized that rumors, while spoken about for the sake of entertainment, could also serve to emphasize his power without much effort on his part.

It wasn’t much different now, though Wolf had to admit he had never been jabbed in the pride regarding his romantic life before. He had no idea it existed until now. It stirred his temper more than dumbfucks shit-talking his fights, and he reasoned that his irritability stemmed from the fact that these slobs would talk about just about anything. Still, he couldn’t settle things like he did back then. Not while he was under Donald Na’s system. It wasn’t as effective than beating the living shit out of anyone who looked at him funny, but it did allow time for his bruised knuckles to heal before the next beatdown.

His friend was quick to snatch the collar of the offender.

“What the hell did you say about Wolf? What do you know? Do I need to knock out your teeth so you think twice before yammering?”

The smaller student squirmed in the iron grip, sweating bullets and eyes darting about to find aid from his friends.

“I- I didn’t mean to! I mean, I wasn’t talking about Wolf Keum, the girl, she-”

“You weren’t talking about Wolf Keum?”

Wolf watched out of the corner of his eye, hands in his pockets, as the student was nearly hoisted from the floor from the collar.

“Who the hell were you talking about then? Geum Sa-Wol? You watch that shit, loser?”*

As the student became a blubbering mess, Wolf swept his eyes over the crowd in the hallway. All eyes were diverted. It was deafeningly silent, a silence that Wolf Keum craved for two reasons. One, it meant he could finally have a few goddamn seconds of peace without her face bouncing around in his head; and two, it meant that although students refused to look up, they were still very much listening.

“Hey man.”

Wolf placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, and he could feel the trembling of the other student through his arm.

“Don’t sweat it.”

The smaller kid was set down, and Wolf had to keep himself from snarking at his pale face and wide eyes. Instead, he turned his chin up and offered a sickening smile, his glasses catching the gleam of the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling.

“I can’t waste time on shit-mouthed fuckers who can’t get the facts straight.”

Wolf reached out to scornfully dust off his wrinkled jacket, enjoying each flinch he induced when his hand landed too harshly or too quickly. He lowered his voice to a dangerous octave, a surge of adrenaline pumping through his veins when he felt the room drop ten degrees in response.

“Her and I have nothing to do with each other, and definitely nothing to do with you. It’s best for us to keep it like that for your sake, don’t you think?”

He lowered his gaze to glower at the shorter student, who, trembling, swallowed thickly and nodded stiffly under his suffocating presence. Wolf remained rooted to the floor, asserting his pressure for a few more long seconds for good measure before giving him a shove.

“Now fuck off.”

He watched as the student took off, tripping over the air in his haste and plummeting into the unforgiving tiled floors with a splat.

Wolf regarded him with a derisive glance and moved to open the door to his classroom, and though it was someone else on the floor, all eyes were on him. He always reveled in the high of scaring someone shitless when he had an audience. Their deafening silence represented their resounding submission to him, but perhaps his most favorite part of all was the contrast of atmosphere immediately before and after he entered another room. The collective drop of shoulders, the perfectly synchronized sighs of relief and immediate whispers of disbelief flooded Wolf Keum with euphoria. It reminded him that his mere presence was enough to instill fear into the hearts of his peers, strong enough to demand subservience, and a testament to his self-made reputation.

It was exactly what he needed now after a long day of conflicting thoughts, which he shamefully had to admit, had made him restless. When he slid the door to his classroom open, he could almost hear the eyes moving from his back to his desk.

In all his years of accruing bloody knuckles and broken noses, he had never once been as stunned as he was in this one soundless and stagnant moment. A crowd had formed around his table, busybodies nosing about and phone cameras shuttering. The moment they heard the door fling open they scattered like roaches, throwing themselves back into their seats and trying hard to seem occupied as to not incur the wrath of Wolf Keum.

Piled high on his desk was an amalgamation of pinks and reds, wrapped delicacies placed upon gift boxes placed upon packages tied to little pink balloons. Wolf took this all in with as straight a face as he could muster, knowing everyone was more sensitive to his presence now than ever before. This included of course, eyebrows arching upwards and his jaw becoming slack.

No one could blame Wolf Keum for his reaction. They had in fact, reacted in the same exact manner- perhaps to a more notable extent. Even for a normal person, a love letter or a small baked treat would suffice as a proclamation of love. But for Wolf Keum, the gifts spread across his desk in a flashy show of affection were tenfold more surprising. It was incomprehensible to anyone that Wolf, the brute occupied with street violence and gang activity, would ever entertain the idea of liking someone, and even moreso shocking that someone could see past their terror and admire him- especially in such an ostentatious fashion.

This revelation was of course, made much more interesting because of the blatant denial that he had anything to do with a girl prior. Wolf knew this more than anyone and gathered his wits to press onward, feeling something strangely similar to adrenaline pulsing through his body and reddening his ears.

“W-Wolf…” His friend stuttered, raising a weak finger to point at the desk. “…What is that?”

Wolf skulked into the classroom, hands deep in his pockets and a snarl on his lips. He had an idea, but couldn’t formulate it into words. He settled for the next best thing.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know, dimwit? I’m looking now.”

“O-oh. Right.”

He approached the table with caution, cringing at the vivid colors and grotesque amount of home baked pastries and sweets. There was an assortment of red cosmos, pink tulips and white daises sitting upon everything, tied together neatly with a thick shiny ribbon pinning down a notecard.

Wolf considered knocking everything over in a fit of confused rage. He considered ordering his lackey to burn it in the incinerator. He considered many things, yet curiosity ate him alive and stopped him from uttering a single word.

He had thought about her all day, damn it all if denying it did anything. She had a strange manner to her that he couldn’t shake and he was enraged when she failed to show up again after gaining his attention. Though no, it hadn’t been directed at her- which was what infuriated him. For the first time in years, Wolf Keum had been disappointed in himself, perhaps for not being interesting enough to earn another visit, or strong enough to impress her beyond a single local market creampuff.

When she didn’t show up again as he had anticipated, he was overtaken by pesky attempts to explain it. He guessed she was shy, he guessed she was nervous, he guessed she came to her senses, he had guessed and guessed until it drove him up the wall and back down again. But even with his reputation and credibility on the line, even while being documented by a sea of students who undoubtedly would share this with friends later- now that just a breath of her existence was in front of him, he had to know- was she back after all? The adrenaline had now inched its way across his body and set his heart and mind aflame, temperatures soaring and burning their way across his cheeks.

“Bro, I can toss it for you-”

“Shut up for a second.”

Wolf ignored the other man, who wisely shut his trap. He was preoccupied with keeping his hand steady as he stiffly reached out for the notecard, a gleam overtaking his glasses. The gold foil note looked strangely out of place in his calloused and bandaged hands, but the name on the notecard was undoubtedly his.

Dear Wolf Keum, Yay!! You found my gifts!! I hope you can enjoy these snacks with all of your funny friends. The flowers are for you though. I picked them from the florist shop I work at myself. I hope you like them! (PS: Put them in carrot juice to make them last longer!) (PPS: or don’t… my boss tells me not to do that in the shop…)

He lowered the card and looked up with a deadpan glower, all the students who had been peering over their shoulders flinched and look back to the front.

He didn’t know what to feel. Wolf Keum was instinctively mad at everything. If the television didn’t work, he was mad. If he had forgotten an umbrella in the rain, he’d be mad and take someone else’s and still be mad. Any slight inconvenience to Wolf Keum was followed by inevitable punishment, and though he was inconvenienced now more than ever with your gifts tarnishing his title in both Ganghak High and the Union, in this moment he felt nothing more than exasperation.

A familiar pipsqueak shitstain voice sounded from the door.

“Woah, she really does like you! How?”

Wolf Keum grit his teeth and felt his hands ball into tight fists at his side, confusion igniting once again to erupt into a bitter and wild, barely contained rage. He was Wolf Keum. Why did he care? Why did he care what a shitty bread shuttle had to say?

He felt his temper raise to lick at the edges of his vision, something of the sort of beast he was used to encountering, but driven by something larger and much more foreign than he was used to. What was it that he, Wolf Keum, was so unfamiliar with? So unable to control?

A creep of red colored his neck, a dash ran across his face, and then he knew at once.

The amount of effort it took for him to sustain regular breathing was fucking bullshit. The way his fists were ready to swing yet ever trembling was fucking. Bullshit.

To onlookers, this Wolf Keum was the same as the Wolf Keum all the days before, face red with irritation, quaking fists itching for a brawl. He was thankful of this, but at the same time hated how he had to hide behind his title instead of living up to it.

Wolf Keum was insecure.

“You little bitch! I’ll rip out your tongue!”

A figure lunged at the smaller boy in the periphery of Wolf's vision, yet he paid it no mind. There was no satisfaction that came from the dull sound of crying and a fists cracking against a nose. Wolf settled into his chair with an aura that filled the room with a cold draft.

With his mood soured, everyone was suddenly reminded that Wolf Keum with gifts on his desk was in fact, still Wolf Keum.

The silence that surrounded the noisy beating did nothing to ease the atmosphere as the pink balloon bobbed softly in the air.

#weak hero #webtoon weak hero #wolf keum #wolf keum x reader #reader insert #fanfiction #the terrible you

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mistress-morgan4 · 4 years ago

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30[F4M] #NC High Holy Hedonist Mother Goddess Seeks Loyal Weekly Servant For Long Term Worship Arrangement

I’ve heard your prayers my dearest. Your heart cried out to me when you caught a glimpse of the full moon. You wished for a world you’ve only dreamed about; you wished to be taken in hand, firm and warm and lovingly, examined and judged and found - whether you are found wanting, pathetic mortal that you are, or found wanted and cherished by the Great Mother Goddess - you ache to be found.

I’m here, darling. I’ve found you and I’m holding my hand open to offer you a safe haven. You don’t always feel like you fit into the world-at-large; it’s all so disposable and cheap and fast. You crave something in which to lose yourself every day, yearn to find a world far more rich and sensual than any glowing blue screen. You want to be loved but after so many failed relationships you’re not really sure what that would look like. When you let yourself wonder what it would be like - to be loved the way you deeply need but have never let yourself express - those fantasies go to dark humid places, crevices and corners you’re quite sure no one wants to look.

But hark! Beloved, I want to look deep into the hardest places and shine the light of my total acceptance upon you. I want to fill the back of your mind with the sounds and tastes and memories of your time spent in worship. I want you to always be aware and hungry for your next chance to humble yourself before me.

There are many important rules to abide by in order to serve me (but let’s be honest, you’re into that kind of thing.)

All messages of praise and adoration are welcome but like most divine beings I reserve the right to ignore your adulation.

You must read to the end of this post and respond appropriately to be considered.

You will be my servant and plaything to use, command and cherish. You will weep with joy at the honor of kneeling and worshipping my Holy Pussy, my Blessed Bush, the Great Mother writhing in orgasm as she gives birth to the world. I will guide you to reaching new heights of pleasure and I will lovingly, carefully, and thoroughly dismantle your heart, prying you open to see what makes you tick. While we are together, I will own you inside and out. Your submission will be emotional, mental, and physical; your orgasm, when I force you to look me in the eyes and command you to come, will be earth-shattering.

though I will not be constantly available to you. When you have me, you will have all of me, and I will overwhelm you with the force of my presence brought to bear on your pathetic mortal soul.

You must be comfortable engaging in extensive written and verbal negotiations and descriptions of how and why I will use and dominate you prior to meeting. We will cover your kinks, desires, shames, needs, fantasies and limits in great detail as well as my expectations and demands. This is to ensure we are a cohesive fit. I will not waste my time or yours unless we are able to thoroughly please each other, which requires excellent communication. I will not ghost you if I decide we are not compatible - I will clearly and directly explain my decision.

You will never forget that I am the Sacred, you are the Profane. Part of your submission to me requires your enthusiastic performance of chores including and not limited to house cleaning, photo assignments, errands, and other tasks. The experience I am offering is a time investment and my time and attention are extremely valuable.

Every moment you are mine will be intense and meaningful whether you are naked but for a lacy apron and rubber gloves scrubbing my toilet or meticulously sucking my toes while I sip a crisp pinot gris and tell you everything I love and hate about you or wearing a chastity cage while you take my packages to the post office. Every moment you are mine will be a moment basking in the almost-painful radiance of my scrutiny and judgement; those memories will carry you, glowing from the inside out, through the rest of your pathetic mundane life. Your time with me will be the only time you feel fully alive and you will crave it endlessly.

The love of a Goddess is a fearsome and and towering presence and I expect you to cower before me in awe. I have no strong preferences for your appearance; chemistry is chemistry and all are beautiful and stained by mortality in my eyes. In addition to your mundane services I will require your participation in the following holy activities.

Worshipping, massaging and grooming the Heavenly Cunt, the Blessed Feet, and the Holy Flesh.

Pegging. I expect to examine and test the sanctity of your hole and watch you writhe and scream and moan and thank me as you come on my merciful and generous cock. If you are new to pegging we will work up to this.

Orgasm denial. When and If you come it will be at my whim. While I have focused on the warmth of my blessings, as that is my ultimate nature, I can be capricious and cruel to serve the Higher Purpose. (Myself.)

Cock denial. However cherished you are for the whole of your being you are undeniably profane and The neither the Sacred Pussy nor the Sacred Ass will not be violated by your mortal worm.

That said, with time and effort you may be rewarded certain privileges such as cumming on my feet or breasts. You are my acolyte in pleasure, but you will learn that pleasure does not come just with cum.

Total obedience. Your role and my expectations will be discussed in detail in advance and within your time of worship I will expect your total obedience to my wishes. You will have a safeword and will practice using it.

Offerings and gifts. The gifts and offerings you make to me must come wholly from your heart to honor my Divinity and beg for my mercy when I push you to the edge. Regular cum tributes, especially when we are in the negotiations phase, will be expected. As a long term worshipper you will shower me with priceless tokens of affection and gratitude offerings in the form of handwritten notes, prayers, locks of hair, art through which I will guide and inspire you, et cetera.

Many, many more kinks I’m thrilled to describe in even more painstaking detail. However: I am not interested in pure masochism. I am a Hedonist and view all physical and mental suffering as paths to the greatest and most Transcendent pleasure. You should be interested in pain as one of many flavors of control I will wield over you but not the primary method; While I will shower you in the light and love of my Brilliant Presence you should also expect that I will humiliate you for the sake of my entertainment. I want to watch your little cock squirm in embarrassment and glee as I finger your pathetic wet slut hole. I will laugh at your dribbling mortal orgasms, when I allow your dribbling mortal orgasms, and pity that you’ll never come as hard as I do. (But I’ll still try to help you come as hard as I do, it’s quite fantastic.)

- This will be a cerebral, spiritual, magical experience for both of us with the goal of genuinely improving our lives. We will not be entangled outside of this arrangement; we will share the freedom to pursue other entangements provided we adhere to strict safety and testing rules. Again, your worthless little cock will not be permitted the Divine Cunt. In all play we will be safe, sane, and consensual foremost.

Are you still reading? I’m so proud of you darling, you’re an excellent candidate already. This is the kind of steadfast devotion and loyalty I demand from you. My every word is a Divine gift and blessing, a honeyed treat placed on your tongue, and you are helpless to stop devouring me. You are so hungry. You are so thirsty. You are willing to try so, so hard, and give so, so much, and at last I have arrived to save you from your aimless, empty life.

Is your cock hard and straining yet? I hope so darling. I do want to find you - I think we can offer each other so much.

Please continue.

You must format your application as follows. Incorrectly formatted submissions will not be considered.

Message Title: As you wish

Your name

Your preferred title(s) - choose all that apply: Slave, servant, worm, pig, little boy, bitch, slut, cunt, hole, darling, sweetness, honeybear, baby, etc

Or other: What shall I call you?

Describe first time you will serve me. For the sake of your fantasy, I am a red-headed green-eyed BBW. You will receive pictures - lots of them - when I deem you worthy.

What are your hard limits?

Have you ever experienced anxiety or fear during a BDSM scene or during other sexual activities?

What kind of aftercare do you need? (Snuggling, a shower, snacks?)

What is your safeword or do you prefer red/yellow/green?

Why should I choose you, little worm? What can you offer me?

#bd/sm community

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ash-clarington · 4 years ago

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WHO: Ash & Dani ( @daniharperdominant ) WHEN: after that one fight // end of December after the crash WHAT: separate paras in the vein of comfort. WARNINGS: ??? why do I refuse to post things ffs

OCTOBER;

Ash hesitated before kneeling at Dani's door. It wasn't that, not tonight, but Ash was conflicted within herself as it was and she felt too out of control already to do anything but play it safe. She wasn't sure what Dani would have wanted and the last time she had gotten it wrong. The submissive knocked and crossed her arms, holding herself in. It'd been an eventful day.

Dani was still processing everything she'd heard about the fight, and wondering what on Earth might have possessed Ash to go after someone that way. All she knew was that it wouldn't have happened without some serious provocation, and if Ash wanted to share more than that she could. Hearing the knock, she opened the suite door to find Ash kneeling there. "Good girl. Stand up and come in, please. There is a fluffy pair of pajamas and a robe on my couch, if you'd like to go change before we get settled."

The pajamas were a nice offer but, Ash wouldn't be caught dead in them. She did however accept the robe with a nod and took herself into the bathroom to change and wash her face. She hadn't stopped back at her room, unsure if there was a possibility of running into Odette. Ash stripped down to her underclothes and ran cool water for a moment over bruised knuckles before washing up and pulling on the robe, cinching it at the waist. "Thank you for letting me come by, Miss." She said once she'd returned. "You weren't doing anything festive tonight?"

Dani watched as Ash took the robe and left the pajamas, and she folded them with a quiet smile to be put back in her closet later. Anything that she offered was only to be accepted if Ash wanted it, and it didn't hurt her feelings either way. As she busied herself in the washroom Dani grabbed a couple of waters and a small snack in case Ash hadn't eaten all day. "You're welcome, Ash - it's honestly my pleasure. And no, no parties tonight - I always find it gets a little crazier than I'd like."

Ash sat and exhaled, forcing herself to relax. She liked spending time with Dani, or at least, it wasn't any work and the Dominant never really demanded much from her. "Do you want me to tell you what happened?" She asked, already knowing what Dani would say. Some part of her felt like she owed an explanation, to shake off the way it sounded. The question became rhetoric when Ash rolled her eyes at herself and began telling Dani anyway. "I have this box of things from what feels like... a past life and I was, I'd been wanting to..." Her brow furrowed and she started again. "Odette took a ring from me, I don't know why. I didn't... I didn't even ask." She said, the thought only just occurring to her. " Ever since she got here it's really always been something and today I just, lost it." Ash took a breath and wiped her cheeks, annoyed with another wave of tears after already washing her face.

Dani had found, since getting her mark, that being a good Dominant sometimes required the ability to simply be quiet. Any idiot - as Lottie had proved - could bark out orders and pretend to be a Dominant. It took the ability to actually listen to really be one. So when Ash asked her question, Dani simply waited for her to choose - and choose she did, finally opening up. When the tears splashed her cheeks, Dani resisted the urge to reach for her. Comfort, like anything else, was something Ash needed to decide if she wanted. "I'm going to make a couple of assumptions," she said softly, "and you can tell me if I'm wrong. I assume that this ring has sentimental value, as part of that past life. I'm also going to assume that she never asked for your permission to touch her things." Dani paused for a moment. "I obviously shouldn't condone assault. But I've had people try to take my things, and I won't lie and say I never fought them. So I can't condemn what you did, Ash." Dani worried at her lip. "If you're here for condemnation from me, you won't get it. Because I won't."

Ash tipped her head, a crooked smile aimed in Dani's direction. "I'm not." She promised. She took a deep breath, drying once more at her cheeks, this time with the sleeve of the soft robe. "The Dean will be issuing a punishment and... I'm upset enough with myself, I don't need to convince anyone else to be." The exhaustion of the day and flip flop between emotions had Ash drained. On top of that she had grown comfortable with Dani. From the time they'd spent together in the Dominant's room to all the time they'd been sharing on the roof while Ash was escaping and avoiding her own room. It accumulated to the submissive's walls being down, and honesty came easy. Ash almost laughed. "After all that, i'm still just avoiding the box from the closet." She distracted herself playing with the end of the robe's tie. "I didn't want to go back to the room and I wasn't sure... where she'd be exactly. I never asked."

Dani nodded. "That makes sense. And I'm sure you've got this taken care of, but I'll say it anyway - if you need somewhere to go after your punishment, you know that my door's always open for you." Aftercare, she hoped, would be provided by whoever was responsible for the punishment, but she still needed to be sure that Ash had a safe place to go - especially given what she said next about her room. "That makes perfect sense - both parts. You're welcome to stay here with me for as long as you need, and if you need someone to walk you back to your room to collect your things I'm here for that too."

Dani being openly warm with her was not helping her emotional state. It seemed every time she began pulling herself back together the Dominant tugged at a particular string just a bit and it made her eyes water again. Defiantly, Ash looked up at the ceiling and bit her lip, forbidding a single tear more to fall. "I appreciate that, Miss." She sighed and shifted, moving to lay her head in Dani's lap, dark curls spilling in all directions. "Are you like this with everyone?" Ash found herself asking out loud, a thought she had only just pondered as she'd gotten comfortable that made it past her lips unchecked.

There was no missing the way Ash's eyes watered, but Dani wasn't going to point it out or draw attention to it in any way. "Of course, Ash. It's my pleasure, and I want to know that you have somewhere safe to go. Once the submissive's head was in her lap Dani's fingers began to work gently through her hair. "I would like to think so," she replied softly. "I try to treat everyone the way they deserve to be treated. But I won't lie, I do enjoy spending time with you."

The words sent a shiver up Ash's spine in a chilling way, something she felt she should shake off but the submissive let them settle instead. She closed her eyes against the feeling of fingers through her hair and the weight of her exhaustion seemed to double the more she relaxed. "I'll need to be back to my room in the early morning to pack. Before curfew lifts." Ash said, allowing herself to be lulled. "New room assignment." She left out the part about how she should be there now, how she was meant to be ready to move first thing. "If you don't mind ordering me back tonight so, I don't have to wake you?"

"I'm very glad that they gave you a new room assignment. You don't need to be in there with someone you can't trust to stay out of your personal effects." The weight of Ash's head felt right in her lap, and she was content to stay there just as long as the submissive was comfortable with her. "Of course I don't mind. I'd be happy to give you orders as long as you're good to receive them from me." She didn't toss around random orders, and had virtually never given anyone orders they weren't already expecting.

REASSURANCE;

It took a while for Ash to find a position that was the least uncomfortable but she was glad to be out from under her sisters watch. More specifically she was glad to be in the Dominant’s space. Dani had a calm about her and the two of them had built up a quiet trust between them that Ash allowed herself to indulge in every now and then. The submissive shifted carefully again to bring herself a little closer to Dani, seeking more contact between them. Absently Ash toyed her fingers at the Domme’s wrist and up her arm. They’d been laying that way for about an hour and Ash was on the cusp of falling asleep but she was fighting it. Frustrated with sleeping the days away and stubbornly determined to keep her time with Dani. “No more beer on the roof.” She said, the thought coming to her mind slowly. Ash lifted her eyes to Dani’s then buried herself in deeper, ignoring the deep ache her movements caused. “What a shame.”

If she were pressed on the subject, Dani would have confessed to pride that Ash trusted her. It wasn't a commodity that anyone gave out easily, and that seemed doubly true with Ash - which made Dani doubly proud to receive it. Once they'd climbed into bed she stayed back just a little, letting the submissive try to find a position that wouldn't cause her any pain before gently sidling closer and laying an arm across her. Once they'd settled they stayed close, just taking the quiet time to relax and giving Ash, hopefully, a place to recuperate a little where she wasn't being watched over by her sister. The little touches brought a smile to Dani's face, and when Ash spoke up she nodded. "It really is. I enjoyed those nights a lot: I'm still okay doing them without beer, but it's up to you if it still feels worth it."

“I’ll still be frequenting for cigarettes.” She replied, agreeing without directly doing so. Even there tucked away against Dani, in her bed, Ash wouldn’t admit completely how much she enjoyed their time together. On the roof of course was different than the quiet close comfort the Domme was so good at providing and Ash had been craving it enough to not be concerned with how she was being perceived. The truth was the longer they lay together the farther Ash felt herself sink into her thoughts, calm and safe enough to think the week over a few times and it was making her chest tight and tongue taste metallic. The submissive took hold of the end of Dani’s shirt, looking for a way to ground herself. “It’d be worth it.”

"That works out well, then. I'll be up there just enjoying the view and the company." Dani kept her words casual, but they were still carefully chosen. She wasn't pushing Ash into anything, and their rendezvous wouldn't be scheduled or the like; just something that happened when it happened. When she felt the grip on her shirt, though, she moved one hand to rub slowly up and down Dani's side. They didn't have to talk about it, but she was there to provide any comfort they could. "I agree," she nodded. "Definitely worth it."

"You're not upset?" Ash found herself asking, her eyes trained on Dani's collar bones peeking out from beneath her shirt collar long enough to give in to reaching up to touch them. Fingertips barely grazing over warm soft skin. "About the new rules." She clarified, not wanting Dani to get confused and think Ash had meant upset with her specifically. She wasn't prepared for more people to be disappointed in her, least of all Dani. She'd gotten enough from her siblings for getting herself into the situation, neglecting being responsible, whatever it was. Typically she didn't care for their opinion but something about it was bothering her. Not to mention the fact that she was very specifically told by her father not to come home for any holidays. As if she'd been planning to anyway. Ash took her hand away to tuck under her own face and she chanced a glance at the Domme's expression, searching for anything Dani might not say out loud.

Dani was silent for a moment, knowing her answer walked a thin like between honesty and risking upsetting Ash any further. Her hand never slowed or stopped, though, still rubbing her side gently. "Not upset, exactly. I think it's unfortunate, and I also think it's a rule that's going to get a lot of people in trouble, because we're all adults and some people are going to want their alcohol that much. But I understand what they're thinking, at least, even if I don't agree with basing a decision this big on a single incident."

Ash gave a slight wince when Dani touched on a particularly tender spot but she hid it by readjusting and allowing her hair to curtain over part of her face, not wanting her to stop. "Maybe it is only temporary." She tried, a thought she'd used for her own self soothing over the past few days. "I shouldn't have..." Ash paused, swallowing a sudden lump in her throat to ensure she could trust her voice from betraying the exterior she'd been attempting to maintain. "I shouldn't have gotten in the car. I really thought she'd--she usually has things under control." Ash turned away, carefully settling most of her weight into her hip so she could curl herself into the little spoon without hurting her healing ribs. "I wasn't thinking."

Dani adjusted herself just a little as Ash spooned into her, which gave her a chance to think over what she wanted to say. "That's possible. And I think it would be smarter for them to make it only temporary, but I don't know what they're thinking or what they've got in mind for the future. We'll just have to see." She immediately shook her head at what Ash had to say about the crash, however. "It's not your fault. None of this is. You were out having a good time, and the minute she sat behind the wheel of the car she took responsibility for getting you home safely. It infuriates me that she let you down, and that the only thing keeping," Dani swallowed some of her anger, keeping her voice in check. "That the only thing keeping you from being gone today was you being smart enough to put your seatbelt on. This was not your fault. None of it."

Ash closed her eyes against Dani's words, trying to hear them. It didn't count because Ash expected it from Dani, she'd said the same thing when she'd had her outburst on campus. She may have gone there anticipating hearing it, or hoping. She exhaled slowly and relaxed into Dani further. Her exhaustion just from making the journey to the Dominant's room and the short walk she'd managed to sneak earlier in the day was catching up to her. More than she could keep successfully suppressing. Ash didn't bother to open her eyes again and though she nodded it was more in acknowledgment that she'd heard Dani, not that she entirely agreed. This time Ash knew the Domme was alone in that thought. Max may have been driving but it had been made very clear to her by the school and the people closest to her that she certainly played her part. "Thanks for letting me over, Miss."

There wasn't any mistaking the exhaustion in Ash's posture, or the way that she seemed to be sinking toward unconsciousness. And that was just fine with Dani; if she could help the submissive get some proper rest, the kind that healed and felt safe and warm, then she wanted that. "You're welcome, Ash. You're welcome anytime." Reaching out with the hand that wasn't under Ash, Dani turned off her bedside lamp. The room wasn't completely dark, but it was dark enough for rest, and she laid her arm back over Ash's middle very gently. Resting wasn't going to be made an order, but Dani did hope it would come.

#dani harper #f2f: dani harper #para

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blushingonmyknees · 4 years ago

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Especially

CONTENT WARNING: This post includes consensual control of food and meal restriction

It is now Tuesday evening and I am frantically packing and getting everything ready to head home for Christmas tomorrow afternoon. Time is drawing to a close on four days on intense explorations of submission with my Domme. I have requested many times that she break me – take me so deep into a submissive headspace that the very concept of disobedience seems impossible. This weekend I believe I reached that point.

I woke up this morning and started getting ready for work. I immediately thought of my lunch and how it was going to be the bland-ish rice and beans with corn and green beans. I remembered how it didn’t have much flavor last night and tried to remember to be thankful. I have asked to be treated this way and am getting exactly what I desire and deserve. I am so thankful my Domme is caring and takes care of me every step of the way.

The day began with my daily morning message to my Domme. In it, I thanked her for putting her property to bed last night when she did and making sure I woke up feeling rested today. I also thanked her for picking my lunch and asked if she will be deciding my dinner tonight.

I then headed to work and the first hour and a half of work was okay, minus all the Christmas treats in my office. I didn’t want to take the treats because I wasn’t entirely sure if I had permission to eat them and also because of COVID-19 and most of the treats were finger foods, with several people touching them.

By 9 a.m., my stomach was growling. I thought of food and kept having to remind myself I was having rice and bean leftovers for lunch today and to be thankful.

Around 10 a.m., I texted my Domme while on my break to let her know my stomach had been growling since 9 a.m. and that it must be really craving the rice and beans. I also wanted to make sure she received my morning message asking about deciding my dinner.

She responded and said she saw it and wanted to let me know she planned on deciding my dinner tonight and rice and beans wasn’t out of the question. She also wanted to know if there was anything in the fridge that needed to be used up before traveling tomorrow and teased that she can make me crave all sorts of things.

I let her know I crave whatever she trains me to and then joked that I could try and fit in the fridge, thinking of things that need to be be used up.

Around 11 a.m., I had to go to my manager’s office to make sure my time off for Wednesday afternoon was approved. We ended up chatting for about a half an hour about our families, COVID, and our favorite chicken restaurants. Just talking about food other than rice and beans made me hungry and also made me want to cry from frustration.

At Noon, I headed to lunch to have my rice and beans. I was hungry but when thinking of this dish I started losing my appetite. On the way to my lunch table, I noticed a small bag of salted peanuts left on the counter, which in my office means it is free and anyone could have them.

I strongly debated about grabbing the peanuts and adding them to my lunch. Anything with extra flavor sounded amazing at this point.

I resisted the temptation and headed to my lunch table with my rice and beans. I then texted my Domme a picture of my lunch and said, “Thank you for this lunch, owner.” She mentioned after receiving this text that she would love to meal plan every single one of my work lunches for a year.

I took a few bites of my rice and beans and attempted to eat as much as possible. I also texted my Domme at this point and asked if I may please ask for what I desired for supper. I let her know I was more than aware my request could be immediately denied without a second thought.

She allowed me to make my request and I asked if I may please do the Buffalo Wild Wings BOGO wings tonight. She then asked what the reason for making such a request was.

I confessed that I was craving it and wished I wasn’t eating my rice and beans. I was desperate for food and flavors but I was even more desperate to obey my Domme. I felt like she was breaking me quicker than expected and I thanked her for it.

She wanted a further explanation, so I admitted that all I had thought about today was food that I am not allowed to have. I didn’t want to eat my rice and beans much but was doing so because I know where I belong. I also made sure to say thank you for my lunch once again.

My Domme let me know I didn’t have to clear the bowl for lunch but that she found it interesting how my mind was preoccupied with what I was denied and that she would consider my request for dinner.

If I am being completely honest, I almost broke down at lunch out of frustration. But I knew I was being taught a lesson and I wanted to obey. I both wanted to be beaten for my thoughts and forced to eat more rice and beans but also wanted to be cuddled and held and reminded that I am her good boy.

I let her know all of these thoughts and how I felt like I should be in chains and on my knees in her presence at that very moment. I felt conflicted and broken, so I asked if I may please have all of her thoughts, even the contrasting ones.

She told me a beating to help ground me in the reality that I am an owned boy and cuddles after to remind me I am a good boy that pleases his owner and also deserved soft things sounded right.

She told me that my push/pull feelings with meal control was actually very understandable when trying to embrace a new protocol. There is often a mental and physical component of a body wanting to stay in its typical habits so changes in meal activities or physical exertion take a lot of time to build. If she was planning a more long-term re-sculpting of my relationship to her control of my food, I would be having completely unseasoned rice and beans tonight as a reminder for my brain that this control was my new normal.

But she said she did not want me to be completely discombobulated before traveling for Christmas tomorrow, so she was taking my request for comfort food into consideration.

I thanked her for giving me her thoughts and let her know I love her so much. I also thanked her for keeping me in my proper headspace. Knowing she understood where I was coming from was a relief, but it was also nice to hear her complete thoughts. If she wanted me to have completely unseasoned rice and beans tonight, then I would and I would be content with her decision.

I informed my owner of my inner argument with myself earlier when seeing the peanuts before lunch and my desire to have them, but knowing I was not allowed, so I left them.

She seemed surprised by the intensity of my reaction to the peanuts when I said, “My brain went, ‘Take them! Not rice and beans.’” And that thought was immediately followed with the thought of, “But they are not part of my allowed lunch.”

My Domme seemed to enjoy learning how my brain was reacting to her training. She also let me know if the peanuts were still available, I may have some.

Lunch was almost over, so I probably wouldn’t have the time to eat them anyway. She asked if I could snack at my desk and I said I could, but that my coworkers would want to know why I was turning down other Christmas treats.

She reassured me by saying, “Sweetness, if there are things you would like you may simply request permission. My answer won’t always be yes, but I thought you knew that I wanted to hear what you needed and what you want.”

I then asked for permission to take the nuts for later and confessed my meals had slipped me into a deeper headspace that I expected. I had forgotten I could ask for what I wanted. I also was very grateful for her permission to have the nuts.

She is amazing with taking care of me and asked if there was anything I needed from her, regarding my deeper headspace. I let her know hearing her voice in the form of a voicemail may be helpful.

I then picked up the peanuts and headed back to work. I was extremely happy and smiling from ear to ear, just having the peanuts in my possession. I honestly could have cried at the thought of eating something salty. It completely turned around my day and I was smiling like I was in my Domme’s physical presence again or had just received my dream job.

As I turned the corner on the way back to my desk, I was stunned to hear Christmas music. Where on earth could that noise be coming from!? One of the people in my office is a self-proclaimed Grinch who despises Christmas music and is obsessed with loudly listening to “true crime” podcasts all day, every day. I was sure this sound wasn’t coming from my office.

Much to my surprise, it was actually the self-proclaimed Grinch that asked if we could listen to Christmas music. Apparently, the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes on December 22, not Christmas. I was noticeably joyful, and I think my coworkers thought it was because of Christmas music, when in reality it was because I had salted peanuts to snack on.

I looked at the bag and noticed they were actually honey roasted peanuts, and I texted my Domme to make sure I still had permission to have them. She said I did and that she had noticed the label in the picture I sent her of them before picking them up.

I snacked on the honey roasted peanuts most of the afternoon, only taking two at a time and sometimes sucking on them to get all of the salt off and to get flavor into my mouth. I truly savored them and was thankful for the gift of these peanuts.

On my final break of the workday, I listened to my Domme’s voicemail. In it, she said it was interesting to her how my body and mind was reacting to her training and temporary protocol. If we were in the same city, she said she would have me kneel at her feet after I got off work and would run her fingers through my hair. She would explain that I wasn’t allowed to have B Dubs wings tonight, I would have more rice and beans. Even though she knows it is hard on my body, that it was just as much the kind of training and need for stamina that she has seen me push through before, like during a beating. She said she would gently touch me and let me feel her presence and catch my breath while resting against her legs. She would remind me that even when my submission is hard, especially when it is hard to stay the course and stay obedient, that she is grateful for the gift of my submission and that she was taking ownership of not only my body and my tastebuds but also my thoughts and that she is transforming all of them. She would remind me of how good I am being and even though our minds have tricky relationships, that I did exactly what she desired today, and I ate my lunch and she was so proud of me. At the end she called me her sweet boy.

This voicemail got me a little emotional and I was very thankful to be hers. I wanted nothing more than to be kneeling at her feet and being touched and reminded of my place as she explained in the voicemail. Just the thought of her touch against my hair makes me swoon and extremely grateful she finds me worthy of her ownership each day.

I texted her right after to thank her for the wonderful voicemail and to thank her for owning me and loving me. I love how she is fair and firm in her ownership of me and how I ache to surrender more and more power each day, even when it is hard. I thanked her for loving me enough to explore this dynamic with her and thanked her for the nuts. I also thanked her for sharing our dynamic with others because I enjoy serving her and showing others how good it feels to surrender to my amazing Queen.

Around 3:30 p.m., she asked when I got off work for the day and I told her. She said unfortunately she wasn’t asking to surprise me by picking me up and taking me captive. (I desperately wish she was asking for those reasons. *swoons*)

She messaged me shortly before my workday ended to tell me it was time for her owned boy to order dinner online, meaning she was permitting me to have Buffalo Wild Wings.

I texted to make sure it was okay I did the BOGO deal on 10 wings (so I would end up with 20 total). She said that was okay and then I asked which flavor of wings she would prefer me to have. I would prefer mild sauce on one of them, but I would like her to pick at least one sauce.

She wanted me to get my favorites and said to order what I wanted, but that she would be happy to pick one if I really wanted her to. I responded by saying, “Please do, Ma’am.”

My Domme said the orange sauce sounded tasty but if that seemed off-putting to get lemon pepper.

I had to ask what orange sauce was because I didn’t know it was an option. Did that mean it would taste like oranges?

She responded, letting me know it was like an orange chicken sauce that was new, according to their website.

I had just had orange chicken on Sunday, so I went with the lemon pepper flavor she picked. I asked if she wanted me to get the dry seasoning or wet sauce. She said she prefers the seasoning, but she wants this to be something I actually enjoy eating, so to pick what I wanted.

I ended up doing the lemon pepper dry seasoning and mild wet sauce for the wings. I was so happy. I had no idea food had this kind of effect on me. My stomach growled almost the whole way home just from the smells of the food alone.

After picking up the food and arriving home, I called my Domme to say thank you for her control and for considering my request for dinner. I also wanted to know how I should eat my dinner. She told me I was allowed to be on furniture for dinner and to use utensils if I so desired. She also wanted to know if I had any other requests, and I asked if I may have soda. She said I could and to have either Wild Cherry Pepsi or a Coke with dinner.

The wings were a little cold by the time I got home (it was about a half an hour), but I was so hungry. The first bite of the wings tasted heavenly. I chose to take a bite of the lemon pepper wing first because I was curious and because I knew it was my Domme’s preferred sauce.

It actually tasted amazing and I think it will be one of my permanent wing flavors going forward. I may have to go out there and purchase the seasoning someday to increase the number of seasonings I have to choose from in my cabinets.

I was surprised how quickly the wings went down. I took my time and watched one of my favorite sitcoms while eating. I was surprised that I actually teared up during dinner both from the flavor and due to an emotional part of an episode where a dad was telling his daughter it was okay to give up on her dreams and it would be okay. It would be okay to give up on her dreams, but just to know how good it will feel to eventually get that “YES” someday if she stuck with it and continued pursuing her dreams even after receiving several rejections. It felt particularly impactful because of this year and losing what was basically a foot-in-the-door position with one of my dream companies earlier this year.

The wings were amazing, and I made sure to thank my Domme a few times for them. I was surprised I ended up eating all 20 wings, which I don’t think I have ever accomplished before.

After dinner, I started doing chores – sweeping the kitchen, doing dishes, finishing my laundry, packing for Christmas, making sure all gifts are where I can see them to take home tomorrow (and not forget, hopefully!). I am now finishing this post while waiting for the last few loads of laundry to get done before packing my bag.

I am extremely grateful that my Domme takes such good care of her property. I would have been content either way with her selection of my dinner tonight, but I am very thankful she allowed me to have wings. She keeps asking what I want for Christmas, but here is the truth. She has given me one of the greatest gifts of all, her ownership, care and friendship. Just the gift of being her submissive and the additional present of wings tonight was enough for me. I am happy, content and overjoyed being her owned boy. How did I ever get so lucky?

Thank you, your Majesty, for owning me, caring for me, training me, and breaking me. I love my role in your life and the dynamic we are building together. It is fun to know that my last four meals before dinner tonight were exactly what you chose for me – rice and beans. Rice and beans have actually been my meal for six out of the last nine meals (eight meals if you don’t count tonight). Thank you for teaching me these lessons and showing me how it feels to be molded into what you desire. I adore you so much and am very eager to be in your presence each and every day. Merry Christmas, my Queen.

#when you explore new boundaries of your submission you learn unexpected things #I call myself broken but it feels like the barriers that prevent me from giving myself wholly to my Domme are what are breaking down #I couldn't believe how powerfully my mind fixated on the food I was denied #but my Domme tells me that can be super normal in food restriction including the kind done for non-D/s reasons #it was a very different way to feel out of control of my body #having my Domme coach me through those sensations was intense #She reminds me often that my submission is a gift #but Her dominance is the best gift she could give me #ethical power exchange #consent needs to be informed and ongoing #food cw #food control #service submission #farcical aquatic ceremony

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rkwon · 4 years ago

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DE:CODE IS LIVE: HAPPY MILO DAY! 🎉 JULY 17TH, 2020 • 43 MINUTES

he isn’t sure what’s worse — the nagging guilt and greed that both a fanmeeting and a vlive for a forgettable recently-debuted idol is far too much, or the small yet persistent voice in the back of his head that tells him no one will show up, that anyone who does is just waiting for him to do something stupid. the little live icon mocks him as he shuffles in his seat, leans in closer to see the details of the livestream. the viewer count jumps from zero, to a hundred and beyond, but what he’s most concerned about is the speed the comments move and how small they are. he retreats, resting his back straight against the back of the chair and pulling the sleeves of his jumper down over his palms before he waves.

“hello,” he greets, quiet and shy. his cheeks are a soft pink and it’s likely the tips of his ears are, too, though conveniently hidden by his overgrowing, curled hair. “I’m de:code’s milo. ah, force of habit. my name is in the live title, right?” his laugh is airy. “it’s my birthday today.” he continues, letting the any and every thought that comes to mind roll off his tongue. “thank you for all the well wishes! I saw some of the comments on social media— well, I saw lots of cake emojis. this is the first year I haven’t gotten to eat mum’s cake on my birthday. ming— magnus’ mum always bakes each of us a cake on our birthdays, but I was so busy today that I couldn’t go home.” he sits forward once more to read what he can of the fast-paced comments. “oh! don’t worry, don’t worry. we’re going home over the weekend to see his parents, so we’ll have cake then! I’ll bring slices home to the dorms for all the members.”

he pauses to read again, clearly struggling even when he moves closer. he’s long-sighted, but the font is so small that it’s hard to see regardless. “did the members get me anything?” he reads with a tilt of the head. growing up, won rarely received presents on his birthdays. sometimes he’d get a little cash from his parents, or a hand-me-down, until he met mingyu and thus began the traditions of spending as much of the day with the kims as possible. though he still doesn’t think too much of material gifts, he cherishes the thought each of them have always put into choosing something for him — either for its sentimental value, love and effort put into creating them, or relevancy to his interests. he chuckles to himself as he remembers the time mingyu bought him two bottles of coca-cola knowing he had been craving it but unable to afford any. “so far, a.c’s gift is top of the ranking. when I woke up for practice this morning, he gave me the biggest hug before I could even make it to the bathroom to start getting ready. I think it’s going to be tough to beat cute cuddles from our youngest.” he teases, concentrating so hard on reading once again that his phone vibrating on the table just out of frame startles him.

he glances down to check, unable to hold back a grin. his eyes trail back to the camera, lips pursed, then to his phone as he picks it up. “magnus just texted me. he’s watching from the dorms; everyone say hi!” he waves. “he’s nagging me. he’s telling me to put my glasses on, but I don’t have them with me...” a pout tugs at his bottom lip. “I’m long-sighted!” he answers when he spots the question before it scrolls off screen. ��ah, he text again. he asked me where they are. ah... I think I left them on the bedside table. it’s fine, though! I can manage; I can see! I always take them off to sleep so they don’t get broken— but then I forgot to pick them up before I left earlier. this is my tmi for the day.” he laughs, leaning forward again. a few notes about wanting something more interesting for his tmi catching his eye. honestly, he isn’t really sure what constitutes a tmi in the first place — he’d just heard it around on other idols’ vlives and broadcasts. still reading, he hums to the beat of another buzz of his phone. “ah, he’s good to me. magnus is coming to deliver them!” he sucks in a deep breath, resting his chin against the palm of his hand, his elbow propped on the table.

“oppa, why do you look so good? hyung, what should i eat to look like you?” he reads, chuckling loudly until his nose starts to crinkle. “cheetos.” he answers simply, still eyeing the comments. “they’re my favourite snack. I would always try to save up my allowance and treat myself to a bag when I could.” more messages flood in about which flavours, about other snacks he enjoys and what his favourite food is, but won catches one about his voice that makes his cheeks flush so bright that he instinctively leans back in the hopes that it becomes less noticeable. “to the person who said they loved my voice and that it was one of their favourites, thank you! that’s an honour... just in de:code, we have so many talented vocalists. I’m happy that you enjoy my singing. or is it my talking voice?” he all but giggles. “I’ve been told since my early teens that I have a really deep voice. I might get in trouble with him for telling you this but I always thought it was just in comparison to mingyu — his voice dropped after mine even though he’s a little older. I thought my voice can’t be that deep, but it really was all that time.” he hums, noticing a surprised question. “mhmm! I used to be taller, but now mingyu has a few centimetres on me. a lot of the de:code members are either very tall or very short. even though I’m tall, almost everyone around me my whole life has been taller than me. mingyu’s step dad is taller than me, too. I’m not tall enough! I want a couple more centimetres but I think it’s too late for me now...” he pouts once more, but it doesn’t last long. “did it hurt when you fell from the sky? did it hurt when you did?” his counter is embarrassing but he’d have had that same red tint to his cheeks either way so why not?

i entered for the chance to come to your birthday fanmeeting but i didn't get chosen ): but i am glad you are doing a vlive and that i can still see you on your birthday. i hope that you've had a very enjoyable day, milo, i love you 😭 happy birthday!!

“ah, that comment disappeared before I could read it out loud, but I saw it! thank you! I’m sorry there wasn’t a chance for you to come to the fanmeeting; I’m glad I could do a vlive for anyone who couldn’t make it. I was really surprised, actually. I was... kind of worried no one would come.” he laughs now, but he almost hadn’t slept last night stressing about it. perhaps it still hasn’t quite sunk in yet that he’s really an idol — in one of the top five companies, no less. “you can thank magnus when he gets here for persuading me to do both the fanmeeting and this vlive. I really wanted to do the vlive especially, but I was worried I wouldn’t be very entertaining. are you having fun?” his grin is probably a little too hopeful, but his viewers at least humour him. “you are? that’s a relief. but... should we listen to the music? what songs are everyone listening to lately? I’ve been listening to ‘love is the way’ by red velvet a lot.” he begins to sing a little as he scrolls through the music player on his phone, periodically glancing back up to catch a few comments.

however, he squeaks when the door to the practice room clicks open suddenly.

“ah, my knight in shining armour!” he’s all sparkling eyes and wide grins as he looks at mingyu off camera, arms raising to grabby hands at the glasses case in his boyfriend’s hands. “my glasses! oh, how I’ve missed you.” it takes an embarrassing amount of force to prize open the case as mingyu busies himself taking off his jacket. he pushes the frame up his nose, blinks a few times to adjust to the change. “that’s so much better. gyu, come sit with me.” he pats the chair beside him he’d saved just in case anyone popped in. he suspects seonho will bounce in later ( literally ), though he had hoped mingyu would come to lend him a hand soon after he started, too. said jacket is draped over the back of won’s chair, though he doesn’t realise until he feels the weight of the fabric brush his arms. he barely has chance to turn around before mingyu’s arms hang around his shoulders, pulling him back towards his chest. they sway, left to right to left to right, to the rhythm of mingyu’s gentle “happy birthday to you”, won’s grin growing to crinkle not only the bridge of his nose but the corners of his eyes, too. he’s still in a daze when he gets a birthday kiss to the cheek, mingyu finally taking his seat.

“hello!”

dumbly, won replies, “hi,” then realises, “oh, you weren’t talking to me— that’s embarrassing. a-anyway, what were we talking about? oh! songs. what songs you’re listening to lately. what have you been listening to, gyu? ah, I don’t think all of you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven. you can tell us the truth, you know, we won’t tell anyone! it’ll be our little secret. shh.” once mingyu’s settled, he answers.

"if you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven, though, I would like to personally thank you... but also encourage you to take a break to listen to to you 2020 by teen top and o sole mio by per_se." won hums in agreement, turning back to the comments.

“someone else just said o sole mio, too.” he tries to point it out, but the message is long gone before he can even raise a finger. “you guys are so fast... there’s so many of you here.” there’s wonder in his voice, disbelief at the numbers displayed in the top left. are that many people really watching him sit around? and sending him that many hearts? he almost feels like crying. “I’m really bad with technology.” he admits, trying unsuccessfully to scroll back to some older messages before mingyu gently nudges his hand aside to take over. “our manager had to set up the live for me. he asked me what emojis I wanted in the title and I didn’t even know what to answer. I only know like, five emojis, and the cake one just makes me hungry.” he hums, patting his stomach once, then again for good measure. “what I mean is if I don’t see your comment, it’s probably a combination of bad eyesight and the speed the little feed moves, please don’t feel disheartened! keep sending it if I haven’t answered! w-wait, will they get banned for that? is it spam? word it differently each time!” he advises, though truthfully, he has no idea how it works.

eventually, he spots one he feels he has to address, even if he isn’t too sure how best to answer it. “do I have any tips for someone that wants to be an idol...” he reads. “I know it probably feels a little like a boring answer and a given, but hard work absolutely pays off. also, if you don’t pass an audition, it does not mean you didn’t work hard or aren’t talented; there’s so much more to it than that. the casting agents might be looking for something specific for a group already planned out, for example.” for a moment, he pauses, purses his lips as he tries to piece together the words he’s looking for. “I think you should always be yourself and make yourself proud. your time will come; the agent or company that sees your worth and potential is the one you want to work with, anyway, right? practice as much as you can, but practice healthily and enjoy it. if you’re not having fun, take a break. it’s important to pace yourself and be good to yourself. there were times before I went on the mgas where I didn’t dance for weeks because I wasn’t in the right head space, but when I came back to it, I wanted to put more into it because I enjoyed it again and missed it. don’t build a bad relationship with performing. do it because you love it. a-ah, I think I got a little off topic there. do you have anything to add, gyu?” he smiles at his boyfriend as he begins to speak.

“hm? oh... yeah! don't give up. I know that's probably irritating to hear after a while of trying as hard as you can, but I know how easy it can be to get disheartened. if it's really what you want, you can take a break if it'll help, but get back up and keep fighting for it. sometimes, doubt will make you think that it's pointless and that you should settle for something more ‘realistic’, and other people might urge you to, too, but don't listen to any of that. if you know in your heart that you can do it and it's truly what you want, don't let anyone or anything beat that dream out of you. you can do it!”

for a little while, they continue to answer questions he spots in the comments — ones they realistically can answer, anyway. too many people are asking about a comeback or upcoming plans and he’s almost certain they aren’t allowed to even hint at anything or face their company’s wrath. between telling everyone for the tenth time that he rooms with seonho and mingyu, his curiosity gets the better of him as he eyes the bag mingyu brought with him.

“what else did you bring?” subtlety hasn’t really ever been his forte. “you brought a whole bag with you just for my glasses?” his voice has dropped to a mumble, but it’s likely viewers can still hear him. the stream is the furthest from his mind as mingyu smiles and reaches for said bag, dragging it closer and as his hand delves inside, won’s neck cranes to see.

“stop trying to peek, it's supposed to be a surprise!” won huffs as mingyu laughs fondly. “I brought you a birthday snack, too, in case you were hungry. you're welcome.”

he should be embarrassed by the gasp that parts his lips but at the sight of cheetos ( and other snacks, but cheetos! ), his image is long forgotten. “ah, kim mingyu... once again my knight in shining armour.” he teases, fingers itching to tear open the top of the packet. “I haven’t had cheetos in a long time even though they’re my favourite.” he tells the camera. “I know earlier I said that to look like me you have to eat cheetos and that’s true, but I don’t know if any of you watched us on the mgas in season four but... I was very small. my height hasn’t changed; I’ve long since stopped growing.” he pouts shortly. “but I was very thin. I started working out with mingyu when we signed to royal and eventually some of the other trainees when I got more confident. these days I could bench press mingyu! I’m telling you! I had to stop eating cheetos, though, so you have to let me know if it was worth it; do I look good?” briefly, and embarrassingly, he flexes one arm, losing what little cool he had at mingyu’s over-dramatic ‘woah!’ and amused chuckle. “a-ah, n-no, don’t ask me to prove it. you just have to trust me!” he giggles, finally popping the first cheese puff into his mouth.

“I want to play a game, but I don’t know what we can play with everyone. someone suggested we watch videos of ourselves on youtube, but I don’t think I’m quite used to seeing my own face in public yet.” his laugh is gentle and his cheeks pink. “maybe next time. leave suggestions in the comments and we’ll prepare something next ti—”

his squeak gets caught in his throat when the door flies open, mingyu’s hand patting his back to help him catch his breath again. seonho’s bouncing over in all his glory, a shit-eating grin on his cute face. his arms wrap around his shoulders as mingyu’s had not too long ago and won can’t help but smile. “another very special guest.” the comments explode, ‘maknae on top’ filling the screen and won’s nose wrinkles in another laugh. he pulls mingyu’s chair closer and nudges his boyfriend to the side so that the three of them can fit across two seats, seonho settling in beside him to respond to comments with them. periodically, he offers the two cheetos, watching secretly with a hungry stomach as their hands dip into the bag.

he doesn’t realise quite how long they’ve been live until someone says they have to go to bed to get up early in the morning. his eyes widen at the forty minute timer on the display and with a small content sigh, he turns to each of the boys beside him. “I think it’s about time we rounded this live off, right? it’s getting late and everyone should be getting plenty of rest.” with waves and a chorus of ‘bye!’s and ‘sleep well!’s, mingyu and seonho are out of frame for won to say his final goodbye for the night.

he clears his throat, leaning in a little closer and adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “everyone, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to spend my birthday with me, whether you came for five or forty minutes.” his smile is gentler than it has been the entire stream, his teeth just starting to show. honestly, he never believed today would go so well and he’s relieved that mingyu was able to persuade him to do it at all. he had been stubborn, stuck in his insecurities and worries, but he felt good now — like floating on a cloud high above the sky on a fair, lightly breezy day. “I’m so grateful for every second we spent together. I’ve had some really strange birthdays over the years,” he chuckles, “but this is definitely one I’ll never forget. it’s been an incredibly happy day; I hope you’ve all had just as wonderful of a time whatever it is you’ve been doing. plus, it’s friday! the weekend starts now, huh?” he purses his lips, then hums. “make sure to get lots of rest and stay healthy so we can keep meeting like this, okay? thank you again. goodnight, everyone! thank you for all the birthday wishes! bye bye!” he waves and waves for a good thirty seconds as the comments roll in to say goodnight in return. “a-ah, guys— how do I end it?” with a pair of laughs off camera, the live cuts off.

#tw: weight talk #vlive:de:code #wn.vlive #wn.royal #wn.dcd #wn.sched #wn.solo #( i have too many tags )#rkmg #rkseonho #( thank you for sending in questions!!! )#( the 'edit' is won when mingyu arrived and then again when he gave him cheetos LMAO )#( wc; 3268 )#( Finally done wow this is a Long One )

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