#i know i need to learn to b proud of myself but it gets so overshadowed by jealousy shame and guilt. crazy how i grew up the way i did w

[aerbunny]

i have such a specific kind of distain and guilt for how i was raised, like a guilt and shame abt how i cldve just been normal - even tho ik why i acted the way i did yk? like i had another person of management tell me she was proud of me, for . and i quote 'picking myself from the pubes n forcing myself to learn how to b a person' n tht rlly hit me in the moment of how i rlly need to learn how to b proud of myself but cant help but feel such a deep shame and guilt in moments like rn, where ive been sitting on the ground outside of work for 45 mins bc i cant drive . i dont have the Means to learn how to drive, im 24 yrs old n my entire life was told 'u are too retarded to drive, im pissed u wont drive but u are mentally incapable of doing so' - and being stuck in a position of being a fully functional adult and still having to wait at 11:30pm for an uber to get me bc i wasnt allowed to be an adult until it was too inconvenient to keep me under their control. whatecer its crazy

[universalitgirlsblog2]

GROWTH MINDSET VS FIXED MINDSET

The Growth Mindset term was coined by American psychologist Carol Dweck . It is the belief that talent, intelligence and abilities can be cultivated through efforts whereas the Fixed mindset is the total opposite of Growth Mindset. Fixed Mindset is the belief that talent, intelligence and abilities are Fixed and cannot be changed.

A person with Growth Mindset sees efforts as a good thing and an opportunity to improve themselves whereas a person with a Fixed mindset will see hardwork as a bad thing . For example: Let's say Aria is bad at maths , she feels that math isn't her forte so she doesn't even try. She feels that she isn't intelligent enough. She believes that intelligence and math skills are Fixed. Aria has a Fixed mindset. Her mindset limits her. She will never improve or get good grades in maths with that mindset. Now let's say there is another girl Ariel , she believes that she can improve her maths by practice. She believes that if she needs to put effort to improve her math skills , it's not a bad thing and it doesn't mean that she is " dumb " . Ariel has a growth mindset. Growth Mindset is essential for success in any kind of field.

A person with Growth Mindset solve problems & persist despite obstacles. Neuroscientists believe Growth Mindset. They confirm that the brain grows like any other muscle in the body with training . A person with Growth Mindset believes we are in control of our abilities whereas a person with fixed Mindset believes that we aren't in control of our abilities. A person with Growth Mindset are focused on the process of getting better . They appreciate feedback and constructive criticism and use it to improve themselves whereas a person with fixed Mindset don't appreciate constructive criticism , they get defensive and take it personally.

Fixed mindset Growth Mindset

I'm not good at this ➔ I can get good at this with effort and practice.

I am not talented enough ➔I can improve with effort with practice .

I don't know how ➔ I can learn !

I don't like challenges ➔ Overcoming challenges helps me to grow !

I give up ➔ I can't succeed if I don't try / I will use a different strategy !

It's too hard➔ With more practice, it will get easier.

I can't do this ➔ I can do anything I put my mind to !

Plan A didn't work ➔ There is always Plan B

I failed and I embarrassed myself ➔I'm proud that I tried and I will try again !

Everyone is better at it than me ➔ I can learn from them !

Questions a person ask with Growth Mindset What can I learn from this ?

what support can I reach out to ?

How will I prepare myself to learn today ?

What will I do to challenge myself today ?

How do I learn ?

🤍Affirmations for growth mindset 🤍

- I can do anything I put my mind into !

- I focus on progress !

- I can get through anything !

- I am ready to ask for help !

- I am problem solver !

- I strive to do my best .

- I am not afraid of challenges.

[shushmal]

Stranger to Myself (I think of Home)

For @steddie-week Day 5! Rated T — Check the tags and content warnings!

Eddie is a monster.

Eddie started watching Steve because it didn’t hurt so bad. Didn’t hurt like it does with every glimpse he catches of Wayne, of Dustin. The people who had loved Eddie when he was Eddie. But Steve—Steve was safe. Steve was a boy Eddie knew in passing glances and high school gossip, a guy who was laughing with his friends in another room at every party, a man who planted his feet and fought monsters and helped save the world. Steve who told Eddie to be safe, because Steve was kind when he didn't have to be, when he wasn't expected to—so Eddie finds himself watching Steve instead.

Because Eddie is a monster, and Steve knows exactly what to do with monsters. Eddie knows this.

To Steve, it wouldn't matter that Eddie is the last little bit of the apocalypse still kicking around Hawkins. Eddie who had been chewed up and spat out of hell at the last second, just before the final dungeon slammed shut, sneaking through the shadows unseen, past the unsuspecting heroes wrapped up in their victory. Past his friends, the people who had tried to keep Eddie safe. Past Dustin, who’s face had already been changed by grief.

Past Steve, as well. Steve, who told Eddie to be safe, and Eddie hadn’t.

Eddie wonders sometimes, what Vecna really had in mind for him. 

But Eddie is just an unfinished experiment, not quite who he used to be, but not yet the thing Vecna had been trying to twist him into, before the wrinkly ballsack bastard bit it and disintegrated into dust like some b-grade horror movie villain written by some unimaginative hack that shouldn’t have even been in the writer’s room.

He’s the last piece of the Upside Down, Vecna’s last monster, but Eddie’s worst crime post-resurrection is a bit of misdemeanor stalking, simple battery, and animal cruelty. A guy’s gotta eat, afterall. It had taken a while to figure out his own exact brand of vampirism, but Eddie’s gone a few years now without killing anything or anyone. He would be proud of it, but instead he watches Steve make dinner and feels sick on the aftertaste of iron and salt still coating his tongue.

Eddie had started watching Steve because it didn’t hurt, because Steve would take care of it, if Eddie ever needed to be put down. Eddie knows this.

So, it didn’t hurt so bad to watch Steve—until it did. 

By then, Eddie was too far gone and couldn’t stop.

His Steve who came back to his lonely castle, days and days after that final battle, after the climax of the story, the end of a legend, still bloody and scorched, none the wiser to the monster peering through his windows, watching. And that was Eddie’s first clue, that was how Eddie first learned that he wasn’t really Eddie anymore—that nervous energy he used to have in life had died with him. Now he sits motionless in the tall pines behind Steve’s house for hours and days, unmoving, as he watches Steve live. 

Sometimes, Steve looks out his window, eyes scanning the treetops like he knows Eddie’s there. Everytime, Eddie sits up a little straighter, like a dog eager for attention. But everytime, Steve’s eyes drift past him, unseeing, searching.

It leaves Eddie—already out of step with life, with humanity—a little unsettled, a little too hopeful. Eddie is a thing that shouldn’t be seen ever again, a dead man without a heartbeat, without breath in his lungs, without a reason to exist and yet still here. He wishes he were still dead. He wishes even more that Steve knew he was there, that Steve was looking for him. But Eddie knows better. Eddie can’t go to Steve, because Eddie is a monster and Steve has fought enough monsters. Eddie doesn’t want to get added to the list. He doesn’t want to do that to Steve.

Eddie sits in the trees instead, unmoving and watching for days and weeks. Sometimes he leaves, to feed. Sometimes he stands in the middle of Steve’s empty house when he’s gone, breathing in the lonely silence. Sometimes, he closes his eyes and dreams.

But they’re never his own dreams.

And he never, ever visits anyone else in their sleep, in their dreams and nightmares. No one, except for Steve. His Steve, who’s dreaming of a summer day, sun high in the sky, sitting on the top of skull rock with a six pack and a cigarette. It’s such a simple, beautiful dream. All of Steve’s dreams are like that. Eddie watches the line of Steve’s neck as he tilts his head back in the sunlight, face catching the July warmth.

Steve doesn’t startle when Eddie sits beside him. Just leans in until his head rests on Eddie’s shoulder. It’s beautiful, he’s so beautiful, Eddie wants to cry.

“I miss you,” Steve whispers, like it’s a secret. He presses a smile into Eddie’s jacket. “Isn’t that silly? I barely even knew you.”

Eddie has to swallow back the emotion filling his throat. “Yeah, that’s pretty silly,” he croaks.

“I wanted to though,” Steve sighs. He leans even closer, hands grasping at Eddie’s sleeve, the back of his shirt, and Eddie wishes they could melt into each other, become one thing, become Steve with just Eddie hiding between Steve’s ribs, in his blood, sitting in the center of his chest right next to his heart. “I wanted to know you. I wanted to kiss you so bad.”

If this were real, if they were really sitting on skull rock in the sunlight right now, if Eddie was human, he would be crying. But here, in Steve’s dream, he doesn’t, can’t. Maybe Steve doesn’t want him to be sad.

“Really?” he breathes instead. “Me?”

Steve hums, his hand sliding down into Eddie’s, fingers warm, soft. “Robin calls you my Great Bisexual Awakening.”

Eddie barks a laugh, throwing his head back. He wants to be sobbing, but he laughs instead and when he stops, Steve is looking up at him, painted dream soft and sweet. They watch each other, Eddie cataloging the specks of gold and green in Steve’s eyes. He’s beautiful. 

But then Steve blinks, and the corner of his mouth turns down, smile falling away. Eddie feels his skin prickle. He feels watched.

“I miss you,” Steve says again, urgent. And then, just like that, he smiles again, and the feeling’s gone, and Steve presses his face once more into Eddie’s shoulder. “Tell me something.”

Eddie tries to shake off the feeling of disquiet, to relax back into the tenderness of Steve’s dream. “Like what?”’

“Something I don’t know.” He’s beautiful, so beautiful, and Eddie adores him, loves him so much.

“I wanted to kiss you, too.”

Eddie opens his eyes, his breath sharp in the silent forest, and watches as Steve sits up in his bed, gripping the blankets tight in his fists. Even from here, in his haven in the trees, he can see the tears on Steve’s face. He never wants Steve to cry.

When morning comes, he steals into Steve’s home, buries himself in the lingering warmth of his sheets after Steve leaves for work. The fading smell of him is intoxicating, even the salty sting of Steve’s tears, and Eddie wants so desperately. Wants him from the pain in his throat, the hitch in his breath, the way he’s been hollowed from the inside out. Everything has been taken out of Eddie, scooped from between his ribs and scraped smooth, an empty jack o’lantern waiting to rot on the front step. 

The wanting is worse than the starving, the thirst. Eddie can’t cry anymore, he isn’t human enough to, but he wishes he could.

Instead, he lays in Steve’s bed, breathes him in, and disappears into the woods behind Steve’s home when he hears the rumble of Steve’s car turn onto the street. He watches as Steve falls into the bed, long gone cold since Eddie has soaked up all the warmth from the blankets in the long hours of Steve's absence. He watches, a monster, as Steve’s eyes glance through the window, eyes on the trees. Straightens up, hoping and wanting, and slumps as that gaze slides past him. He watches Steve’s evening with longing building in his chest, and when Steve slips beneath his covers, Eddie closes his eyes.

“What are you waiting for?” he asks.

Steve is sitting on the edge of his roof in this dream, watching the forest intently. He doesn’t turn his head towards Eddie, caught on a particular spot in the woods.

“You, I think. At least, I think it’s you. I hope it’s you.”

Eddie leans in close, hoping that Steve will turn his eyes, to look at Eddie, to give him that sweet, dreamy smile. “You shouldn’t bother waiting for something like me,” he tells Steve, desperate for those pretty eyes to look at him. “You should be happy.”

“I am happy,” Steve murmurs. He doesn’t look happy. He doesn’t look at Eddie. He watches the distant trees, standing guard. “I’m happy waiting. I think I can wait forever.”

Eddie doesn’t dare touch him, doesn’t dare turn Steve’s head. Even though it hurts. It hurts so bad, so Eddie opens his eyes. In the distance, Steve turns in his bed, chest expanding with a sleepy sigh, and doesn’t leave his dreams.

Morning comes again, and the night falls again, morning and night and morning. Eddie rises from his perch, glides closer to the empty house to steal through the unlocked door. He lays in Steve’s bed, in the shadow of Steve’s warmth left on the sheets. Breathes him in, even though Eddie needs no air. He leaves when he hears the rumble of a familiar engine. Night falls. He closes his eyes.

Eddie watches the way Steve sits on the edge of his roof again, feet dangling, eyes scanning the treeline at the back of his house, quiet and sentry. Like he’s waiting for another monster to appear between the tree trunks. Eddie sits beside him, and doesn’t speak, not even when Steve whispers, only once.

“I miss you.”

Morning comes again, and then night. Sun and moon, wax and wane. The summer heat does not bother Eddie, nor does the winter snow. He imagines building a family of snowmen in Steve’s yard, company for a lonely house. No one visits Steve here. Like they’d forgotten Steve altogether, and Eddie’s the only one left to bear witness to Steve Harrington. Steve who is lonely, who sleeps and dreams and waits for the monster in the woods. Or maybe…

Maybe Steve told them not to come here. Because here is only for Steve, and only for Eddie.

Night falls, and then the morning breaks. Steve doesn’t rise from the bed.

Uneasily, Eddie shifts. Snow slides from his shoulders, landing in heavy thumps on the forest floor below him. He watches as Steve rolls onto his back, arm over his eyes, mouth twisted in pain. Even from here, he can see the tears on Steve’s face. He watches Steve lay in bed the entire day, until night falls. Eddie closes his eyes.

Steve’s dream isn’t a dream this time—a vast darkness instead, stretching long and far. Eddie takes a hesitant step. Water splashes beneath his bare foot. He turns.

And suddenly, it’s like he can hear Steve in his ear, whispering, “I’m happy waiting. I think I can wait forever.”

Eddie turns again, and Steve is there, watching, waiting. Eddie feels the instinct of it, the prickling awareness of being seen. It settles over his skin, sharp and biting like ants. Eddie is the monster, and Steve has found him. His gaze roots Eddie where he stands, water lapping against his toes. The ripples roll away from him, stretching the unreachable distance between Eddie and Steve, distant stars, until they crash against Steve’s feet, and the water settles again, falls calm.

“I miss you though,” Steve whispers, right into Eddie’s ear. “I can wait forever, but I miss you.”

“Really?” Eddie asks. It echoes through the dark. He can see the way Steve smiles, even from so far away.

“Of course,” Steve whispers. “I’m waiting for—”

Dawn breaks through the trees, and Eddie opens his eyes with a gasp. The sound is sharp through the silent forest. Morning mist rises from the pine strewn ground. Steve isn’t in his bed anymore, and Eddie feels himself almost panic, gaze searching.

Searching, until he finds Steve, not even three feet up, sitting above his window on the roof. He stares out into the trees, stares right at Eddie, finally sees the monster in the woods. That gaze raises the hair on Eddie’s arm, animal instinct tightening his muscles, his bones. Steve watches him from his perch on the roof, watches Eddie watch him back. 

He’s the most beautiful thing Eddie’s ever seen.

Because Steve’s not standing guard. He’s waiting. Waiting for the thing in the woods, for Eddie to finally come home.

Eddie shouldn’t, shouldn’t go to him, but now that he knows, how can he make Steve wait a moment longer? 

Steve gasps when he appears, but it’s not fear in his eyes when he looks at Eddie. Eddie feels it again, feels watched, feels seen. Steve looks up at him and his smile is the most beautiful thing Eddie’s ever seen.

“There you are,” he whispers. “I missed you."

[sophie-frm-mars]

I just wanna gush about DBT for a second

DBT saved my life so I'm gonna spend a moment telling everyone how helpful it can be because I know there are a lot of people with BPD out there who need to hear it.

so cluster B personality disorders are characterised by, among other things "unrelenting crisis" - this is the combination of the feeling that every small problem you encounter is just yet more insurmountable bullshit and the reality that you have a lot of bad shit going on in your life, some of caused by the wider world beyond your control and inevitably some of it self-inflicted. The problem is, to someone who is constantly activated and feels life as this kind of non stop catastrophe, it's really hard to practice skills learned in therapy to do anything about it AND it feels impossible to judge what is an appropriate thing to spend your energy on, where to even begin tackling your problems.

The group component of DBT is explicitly justified in the therapists' manual as tackling this, which I think is genius. A borderline patient will bring new problems to their therapist every week and not focusing on them will trigger feelings of abandonment but the patient will definitely have forgotten all about this problem and moved onto a new one by next session or the one after so you have two therapies, one talk therapy one-on-one and the other a group setting like a class where you learn the DBT skills, and then in the group setting no patient feels like they're being especially ignored by the therapist because they're all there to learn the skills as peers. I just think that's really clever

The bit that really whips though is the skills around Accumulating positive experiences and Building mastery. Okay so your life feels like shit, right? Like one shit thing after another? Your therapy is to have a nice time and get better at something in a way that makes you proud. There's a whole acronym for the skills you need to use to keep yourself well, ABC PLEASE, but C and PLEASE are all essentially preventative skills to stop you having an actively bad time or worsening your mental health, and A and B (Accumulate positive experiences, Build mastery) are the ones where you're proactively creating your life worth living and I love it so much.

Accumulating Positive Experiences really does just mean having a nice time in an intentional way. It can literally be watching TV, it can be whatever you want, but you approach it thinking about what will make good experiences that will actively make you feel like you are leading a life worth living. My girlfriend and I went to the planetarium and took edibles last month and it owns so hard that according to DBT that's therapy

Building Mastery is all about helping you get a sense of momentum and direction by improving at something, ideally something that isn't also what you do for work. I know "get a hobby" seems like such basic advice for helping someone out of a rough time but like I've been bouldering since early last year and seeing myself get better at it has been impossibly good for me.

I've been getting into cooking this year as one of my Building mastery practices, at first just regularish like "how can I feed myself in a way that feels like I'm showing myself care at all" like finally learning how to make some of the comfort foods I had in childhood like beef stew, or trying out new things on my very basic salmon, potatoes and broccolli, like teriyaki glaze on broccolli or making hasselback potatoes. Then after a while it became a thing where I felt confident enough to actually thing about a little project and do it like around when my gf and I started officially dating I made her roast lamb and dauphinoise potatoes (nothing photographs well, sorry in advance lol), or we started rewatching Twin Peaks and I really wanted cherry pie so I made my own, which I had never done before!

and at the same time as improving at that stuff I felt like I was good enough at it that cooking for other people was a way I could show them care, which was something I had always wanted but never put in the time to making a reality.

In The Endings Machine: Technology & Teleology I talked about how cooking vegan food in groups is more effective in several ways that going vegan yourself and afterwards my sister (who helped with recording) said to me and a friend "I've been thinking about this ever since filming, we should do this!" and we've been holding a rotating vegan group meal at other's places fortnightly since then, and it's been really good! (This idea btw was partly inspired by my time on the ZAD where communal living leads to group cooking on a rotation, mostly vegan) For the first one I made a spicy mushroom pasta, then I had to bring the dessert to one and I made a vegan chocolate tart with coconut milk instead of dairy making a coconut chocolate filling and it was SOOO good

Last week the vegan meal was at mine again and it fell on halloween so we invited more people and arranged a little spooky movie screening and I made SOOO much food and it was all fucking fantastic. My gf and I made dhal makhani, aubergine rice, parathas, vegan raita and onion bhajis and served them with some mango chutney and some oven-cook samosas that were just from big tesco. I'm so fucking proud of myself, I've never cooked this much before and it went so well! I guess what I really want to get across is how looking at this from the DBT perspective I gotta get across how good this shit is for your mental health and how absurdly well it dovetails with building community.

There are all sorts of other ways Accumulating positive experiences and Building mastery help, because DBT is a very holistic approach to helping people get better - like if you know what things you like doing and you plan them to be available to you, you know that you're going to be happy with your own company, which means if you're having a shit time around someone else you're happy saying "I would be having a better time being alone right now" and just leaving. That makes it easier to live up to your self-respect goals, which are a big part of the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, as well as helping to tackle every cluster B girlie's deep seated fear of abandonment.

I could go on an on, but the salient thing right now is that there are a lot of people struggling with stuff I relate to as someone who has had my shit rocked by Borderline Personality Disorder for years and years, and I know that the biggest feeling at core is like "what is this all for? what is the thing that we are all trying to do in the space we are chaotically scrabbling to try to clear all the time?" and this is the answer: you want to accumulate positive experiences and build mastery, and when you get to doing it you have such a profoundly more grounded sense of being in the world, of what it is that's worth being here for and what stands in the way of life just being like that for everyone and a more meaningful drive to try and make it be that way for everyone.

I also wanna go on and on about how Interpersonal Effectiveness makes everyone better at organising too, but I think the Life Worth Living is the better sales pitch for DBT. idk in short a close friend pitched it to me a little while ago that all leftists should learn DBT and it would make the revolution way easier and the more I live of my life worth living the more I agree.

[joeys-babe]

Joey B Blurbs: Drive My Car

————————————————————————-

Summary: You still haven't learned your lesson… and are back with a Joe prank! Now it's calling your poor husband to tell him about your discovery of “Christmas gas”.

Warnings: Fluff, slight illusion to smut

Pairing: Joe Burrow x reader

Imagine universe: Into The Mystic

————————————————————————-

December 12th, 2023

I still don't know how Joe isn't tired of me and my tricks yet. After all of the pranks I've pulled on him I just keep finding more.

Bored in bed since Joe was gone, I found a prank I could do on him over the phone and immediately got down to business.

He was at his parent's house helping his mom build a new dresser like the amazing son he is while I stayed at home with Tyson and Miles. They weren't awake yet so I could put Joe on speaker while recording with his iPad.

After making my hair look decent I pulled Joe’s contact up and called him.

In usual amazing husband fashion, he answered in less than two rings.

“Hey Joey.” - you

“Hey, Mama. What's up? Do I need to step outside for this.” - Joe

Even though I loved Robin with my whole heart, I really didn't want her to think I was a ditz who thought diesel was “Christmas gas”.

“Uhm, yes.” - you

“Okay gimme a sec.” - Joe

A few moments later you could hear the back sliding door shut and Joe told you to keep going.

“Okay so the other day I saw this TikTok about this thing called Christmas gas and I wanted to try it. So I did. Now my car barely even got home and it was making a weird sound.” - you

“Baby… what? What the fuck is Christmas gas and where did you get it?” - Joe

“The gas station we always go to! It's just gas that's supposed to smell like pine wood for the holidays.” - you

I had to mute myself because I was dying laughing. Joe sighed and groaned out of pure annoyance before clearing his throat to speak.

“You actually put it in your car?” - Joe

“Mhm. Should I have not of?” - you

“I don't know, y/n! I've never heard of damn Santa gas or whatever the hell!” - Joe

“Christmas gas! It’s a limited edition!” - you

“Limited edition… baby why would they have limited edition gas?” - Joe

“I don't know. It was like three more dollars a gallon though and didn't even smell like pine wood.” - you

“Oh my god. y/n, was it coming from the green nozzle?” - Joe

“Yes! You have heard of it!” - you

“y/n, that's diesel babe! Did you put diesel in your car?” - Joe

“No, I put the Christmas gas in.” - you

“The green nozzle is diesel, y/n. That's why it was 3 more dollars than the regular gas, and why your car isn't working, because you put diesel in your gas car!” - Joe

“Are you sure? The gas station was decorated for Christmas and the green pump even had lights on it.” - you

“Yes, I'm sure! I'm gonna have to call the mechanic and take your car in when I get home later. Hopefully, your engine isn't ruined.” - Joe

“Is my car going to be ruined, Joey?” - you

“I don't know baby. You have to stop doing those stupid TikTok trends, y/n.” - Joe

“I’m sorry Joe. If my car’s ruined don't feel like you have to get it fixed.” - you

“That's BS. Imma get your damn car fixed. Just promise you won't do stuff like that till you run it by me because it might be a scam.” - Joe

“Okay, baby. I love you.” - you

“I love you too, just don't use your car till I get home. If you need to go somewhere before I do just take one of mine.” - Joe

“Thank you, just one more thing to tell you before you go.” - you

“Please tell me you didn't get your oil changed with reindeer piss.” - Joe

I busted out laughing and Joe giggled along with me, proud of how he was quick enough to make a funny joke.

“No! But… this was a prank.” - you

“Oh my god y/n! So your car is fine?” - Joe

“Yes. I haven't even left the house… or even the bed yet today.” - you

“Shit babe, you had me worried for a minute. Well, I'm gonna go. I love you.” - Joe

“I love you too! Kinda sad I won't get to see you play sexy mechanic though.” - you

“Pregnancy hormones?” - Joe chuckled

“They’re through the roof.” - you giggled

“I’ll help when I get home.” - Joe

I could practically hear his smirk in his lust-laced promise.

“Bye, Joey.” - you

“Bye, Mama. Don’t be buyin’ any gasoline from elves ya hear?” - Joe

“Yes, sir.” - you laughed and Joe hung up

That gorgeous man is a saint for putting up with me.

————————————————————————-

Authors note: this is my favorite thing ever?! Saw this request in my inbox and IMMEDIATELY started writing.

Request for this fic;

[episodes-ff]

Forevermore

Armando

Taking another swig, I clenched my jaw as the burning Don Julio glided effortlessly down my throat. Staring at the mess around me, I shuffled my feet groggily to go answer the ping of the annoying doorbell. Opening the door for Mike and Marcus, I turned back toward my liquor cabinet ignoring their concerned words as I popped the cap. “Armando! I know you fucking hear me.” Mike spat as I eyed him carelessly. “Why are you here?” “Dee sent us here to make sure you were ok since you weren’t picking up her or Papi’s calls. She was ready to file a missing persons report.” “Oh now she gives a fuck?” I gritted cursing her in Spanish as I trekked to my couch to have a seat. “Look, man, imma give you some privacy and space, but please check in so they know you’re safe.” “Why the fuck should I? I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.” “I’m just tryna help, don’t be like that.” “I don’t need your fucking help.” “Whatever, we tried, Mike. Just leave his stinking ass alone. You need a damn shower. Fonky ass.” Marcus ranted as Mike sighed signaling for them to exit while I swallowed the brown liquor and silently cried.

**THE DAY BEFORE**

5:35 PM

Just finishing up my paperwork from today’s case, I once again pulled the ring box from my pocket and admired its beauty and color as it related to my woman. Diamonté is just that for me. A woman. Not preoccupied with the trivial bullshit or drama that comes with life. She makes me want to grow for her, be better for her and our son and any future kids. She’s my happiness. I feel whole with her and I hope she’ll complete me further and take this ring. Smiling, I wiped a stray tear before interruptions of a throat clearing woke me from my daze. “Nice ring. You got something you wanna ask me?” Mike smiled as I chuckled at his joke. “I’m gonna ask her to be my wife tonight.” I confirmed causing his immediate smile.

Gesturing for a genuine hug, I got up and met his arms as he laughed and patted my back. Taking a step back to ogle me, he rubbed my shoulder in appreciation as he spoke. “I know we aren’t the closest and we might be new to this father and son relationship, but from the the bottom of my heart I’m really proud of you, Armando. Forreal, man.” Feeling the sting of tears in both our eyes, we shared another warming embrace before he released me to retreat home.

Walking inside her house, I kicked my shoes and walked upstairs to greet mi familia as they playfully danced and laughed. “No, mommy, like this!” Papi chuckled showing her some dance on TikTok that they called tripping out. Watching her struggle to get it, I chuckled making my presence known as AJ ran to me. “Daddy, come come! You have to try this dance!” Setting my bags down, I watched in amusement as he showed me the mysterious dance he so excitedly wanted me to learn. Sticking my arms high as he instructed, I thrusted my hips awkwardly to the beat as she covered her mouth in laughter. “Sí? Like this?” I asked biting my lip and feeling the rhythm. “Maybe next time, papa.” He chuckled moving me away before I picked him up tickling his sides.

9:51 PM

Stepping out of the steaming shower, I wiped off the fogged mirror and took a deep breath as my nervousness increased. Tonight’s the night, Armando, you got this. I coached as I rolled on my deodorant and threw in a few hits of her favorite cologne. Cleaning up my facial hair, I gelled my hair back and put on my chain before heading to the closet to get dressed. Buttoning up my shirt, I fit my suit on before securing the ring to my jacket pocket. Grabbing the car keys, I got in my car and rode back to her house to pick her up. Wish me luck…

Sitting across from her at dinner, I kissed her hand as I took in how delicious she looked tonight. “You look so beautiful, bebita.” I simpered leaning in to steal a kiss from her as she blushed. “Thank you, baby. And thank you so much for this. I really needed it.” “I know, baby, has everything been ok?” “Yes, really wonderful actually.” Smiling, I kissed her once more before we placed our orders for tonight. Sharing in laughter and conversation over our meal, I got more and more nervous as time progressed to the big moment. “Are you ready for dessert, mi corazón?” “Mmmhm, I want a big slice of you.” She purred leaning in to nibble on my neck perfectly basking in our private quarters. “Not just yet, my love. But trust me, I’m more than yours.” I groaned against her lips.

Watching the waitress smile as she set the dessert on the table, I bit my lip as I watched her turn to face the plate as it read ‘Will You Marry Me?’. Looking up in confusion, she covered her mouth in shock as I got up from my seat to kneel in front of her at the table. “Diamonté, you’ve made my world so peaceful and special. Being with you is one of the biggest blessings to my life. I don’t know what I would do without you and Papi and I never want to know a lifetime without you two. I love you more than I can even say but this is the best way I can say it. Will you marry me, baby?” I asked taking hold of her shaking hand as I pulled out the ring. “Oh my god.” She cried as I caressed her cheek. “What do you say?” I waited nervously for her answer. “I-I…” Snatching her hand away, she ran away crying as I slowly stood in disbelief.

11:08 PM

Furrowing my brows, I fought my anger and hurt as I squeezed the box in my hand and contemplated chasing after her. Feeling in my gut that it would be best to do the opposite, I flagged the waitress and paid for our meal before trekking to my car and sitting in silence. Watching her come out from the restaurant in tears, I felt my heart start to soften before remembering prior events and throwing back on my veil of anger. Getting in the car, I pulled off in silence on the way back to her place. “Arma-“ “Don’t.” I spat coldly swerving through traffic to get her home and far as I can away from her. Crying softly to herself, I gripped the wheel as I focused further on the road.

Pulling into her driveway, I reclined into the seat staring out the window as she sniffled. “Will you please just le-“ “Did you even fucking love me, Diamonté? Huh?! Were you truly in love me at all? Or were you just looking for a father to your kid?” I ranted coldly as my blood boiled recalling everything I’ve ever done for her. Gasping, she smacked her full force across my face. Shaking with rage, I watched her grabbed her purse and step out. “I always fucking loved you, Armando, HOW DARE YOU!?! You never even gave me a chance to explain and now paternity is being called into question?! Are you fucking serious right now?! My answer was yes, but looking back maybe it’s right that I didn’t say anything. Go to hell!” She seethed breaking my spirit and ego as she slammed the door causing the window to shatter. Skidding off without a word, I wiped my teary eyes as I felt the gravity of my actions collapsing on me. “FUCK!!!!”

Diamonté

Running into the house, I kicked my shoes off my aching feet as I wept and ran upstairs. Bolting into the bathroom, I emptied the rest of tonight’s horrific dinner into the toilet bowl and continued crying my makeup off. “So much for a fucking surprise!” I cried in agony as I silently thanked God that Mike was watching AJ so he wouldn’t see me this way. Tonight was supposed to be so wonderful and not just for the goddamn proposal. For once I was in a beautiful place in my life with my intelligent little boy, the man I loved, and the news that I was once again carrying his bundle of joy. Now I feel anything but as I continue to throw up and cry wishing I was on the deepest corner of Earth away from him. I had it all planned on how I thought it would go. I even told Mike so that he and his wife Christine could watch Papi for the rest of the week while we celebrated our triumphs. So fucking much for a plan.

Finally gaining the strength to get up from the toilet, I wiped my mouth and brushed my teeth before ridding myself of my dress and makeup. Warming a bubble bath, I set up my phone on the speaker and slowly descended as the beautiful vocals of Jhené Aiko attempted to serenade me out of heart break. Bathing myself as I could do nothing but cry, I released the bath water and put on some fresh chill clothes before leaving to go collect my baby from Mike’s. I needed my child at this moment.

Pulling into his driveway, I knocked and waited patiently. Watching him open the door in confusion he hugged me before addressing me. “Heyyy what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be celebrating.” “Is AJ asleep? I came to pick him up.” I said weakly. “U-Uhhh yea I’ll go get him.” “Thank you.” I mumbled trying not to cry. Standing at the door as I didn’t wanna intrude, I watched Mike carry out my sleeping angel in his superhero pajamas. Taking hold of him, he stirred a little before looking up. “Mommy?” “It’s me, baby boy. I’m right here, go back to sleep.” I smiled rocking him in my arms as I turned to leave. “Hey, Dee, wait up.” “Yes?” “Look, I don’t know what all is going on with you and Armando, but just trust God and give it some time. Try calling him tomorrow ok?” Nodding as fresh tears cascaded yet again, he gently hugged me before kissing AJ’s head and helping us situate in the car. Paying him appreciative words, I waved goodbye as I pulled off and headed back home. So much for a plan.

Tags (Based on interactions, if you’d like to be added or removed let me know): @violetmuses @believeinthefireflies95 @brisunique @kaylaahisthebestest- @madxlov3 @armandosbabymama @casualsludgeshoetoad @mauvecherie-writes @nahimjustfeelingit-writes @theereina @kumkaniudaku @geneziesm @megamindsecretlair @simpledopeme @goldenjasssy @vivaalenaa @playgurlxoxo

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hello. I know I've sent in messages before but very very rarely. But recent events have caused us to have a question. Just this week, we got officially diagnosed with D.I.D and recommended the idea of getting a psychologist for the first time in my life, besides a psychiatrist. Two of my alts say they can't be serious but the other three think they are bout the psychologist and we are nervous. I saw you talking about disorganized attachment in your latest posts and was wondering if you could tell me more bout what that is because it sounds like I may have experienced that and I'm trying to understand myself and us more from others with experience with D.I.D and similar disorders. We hope that makes sense! We are still very new to all of this. Thank you so much for your time. - Us

First, congrats!!! Try to come back and tell us what therapy and the interviews are like! I'm certain my followers would love to hear about it. It's scary, I'm so proud of you ❤️

Disorganized attachment is both very complicated, and quite easy to understand. I just reblogged a couple old posts about it, but this will be shorter :)

This is my favorite image to describe it!

Note that disorganized attachment (DA, from here on) is linked to low trust in self AND others. All of these types of attachment have shown strong links to different types of disorders, but DA is most associated with dissociative disorders.

The most important thing I've learned is

Even well-meaning, well-intentioned, loving parents can cause DA

DA can be hidden trauma, its relation to neglect is much stronger than originally thought, and neglect is a lot harder to spot and understand than straight up abuse.

A quick note here: DO NOT play trauma Olympics-- with yourselves, with others, on this post, nothing. Trauma is a personal reaction to events, abuse, or neglect and can occur in response to literally anything. When it comes to CDDs, we're looking at cumulative responses resulting in psychopathology, and you don't get to decide what was enough for other people.

It's their reactions.

Mind your own business.

So, all that said, DA is about the child being both fearful and reliant on caregivers. They want to both flee to and flee from caregivers. When a caregiver is unpredictable, the child has a difficult time establishing a consistent view of the caregiver, and of themselves. In other words, the caregiver is both needed, and someone to be avoided, and the child may not understand what makes them a “good” or “bad” child, as the caregiver’s behavior is often confusing and unpredictable.

I'm going to throw out a couple examples here:

Parent A has yelled at you, and you're scared to go to parent B and talk about it - neither parent feels safe but they're your only source of comfort

You're hungry, but parents scold you for eating too much - you're both scared to ask for your needs and yet reliant on their abilities to meet them

Sometimes parent is attentive and kind, and sometimes very dismissive - you never know what you're going to get, but when they're dismissive, it kills your drive for things you thought you enjoyed - sometimes parent puts your art on the fridge and sometimes they throw it in the trash, and maybe that particular piece was important and you'd expected better reception

Parent gets physical when they drink but at school, parent is a model citizen and teachers and other students always tell you how lucky you are

Parents are openly homophobic and you think you might be a little gay - they're good people otherwise (you think), and maybe if you just keep that part of you down...

Parent struggles with their own mental illness and you never know what kind of reaction they'll have, but you treasure the good memories and hold out hope you'll see that side of them again, despite the many letdowns

Parent doesn't let you keep anything to yourself, it's to the point you want to avoid them as much possible, only seeing them for meals

Parent is... mean. Just flat out mean, and they'll tell you no one will listen to you. There's no point is trying to find help with other caregivers-- teachers, babysitters, friends. It's just you and them, against the world.

The start of DA is typically formed in infancy when a parent doesn't respond properly to their child. Missed feedings, not enough skin time, mixing "cry it out" with giving in, ignoring cries for food or changing. These first attachments in infancy set the tone for all your attachments going forward. Meeting needs and milestones help the brain develop in a healthy way. If some of these milestones are missed or slowed, you tend to see psychopathology of some kind as a result. Various future relationships are likely to be affected, and more often than not, you respond to your own children the same way-- a type of intergenerational trauma.

And this is only the grey areas. We haven't touched full and proper abuse and how that can affect someone.

The result of DA is that a child will try to push memories and feelings about their caregivers down so that they're not bothered-- they can interact with their caregiver, whatever mood they're in or whatever happened yesterday.

If you just kill your feelings, parent's outbursts don't hurt as much. If you just don't think about what they did to you, you can put on a smile and get through dinner.

This is, in and of itself, dissociation. A rejection of feelings or memories. DA on its own isn't very likely to cause a CDD, but with additional trauma, it's... oof.

Children with DA and suffering from abuse “are likely to generate two or more dissociated self states, with contradictory working models of attachment,” in order to handle their confusing relationship with the caregiver. This can go in several directions, not necessarily a CDD, but it becomes much more likely.

So, the child needs to maintain a relationship with the caregiver– they have no one else to turn to, so the child can develop dissociation as a way to make sense of themselves, and to maintain a child-caregiver relationship. They may “forget” the abuse, or deny it. “It is an adaptive and defensive strategy that enables the child to function within the relationship, but it often leads to the development of a fragmented sense of self.” This fragmented sense of self may or may not develop into something worse– namely, BPD and DID based on severity, frequency, and whether there was any sense of reprieve (i.e. a child can avoid the worst of dissociative symptoms if one of their parents was more supportive, because it helps them build some positive attachments).

I really hope this helps!

Good luck, come back soon!

[ccaramel-llow]

Can I request tadc reader where they're very sweet and nonchalant with people even when they're mean to them?

TADC! Cast x reader

Warnings ; Cussing, Bullying, Jax, Not proof read, Obsessive behavior, Death threats, Holding hands before marriage? smh.

Genre ; Fluff + Romance

Pairings ; Queenie/Reader, Kinger/Reader, Kaufmo/reader, Pomni/Reader, Ragatha/Reader, Zooble/Reader, Caine/Reader, Jax/Reader

Queenie

, The competitive x The sweetheart.

, She's overprotective of you and cusses out anyone who's rude to you.

, Beautiful scary guard dog x The kind sweetheart, Literally punches anyone if they made you cry

, She never does it in front of others although, She makes sure your distracted because she doesn't wanna lose you.

, Gets flustered as you boost up her ego if you complimented her when she finished one of caine's bullshitty challenges

, Always gives you a kiss on the forehead and tells you how proud she is of you and how much she loves you after finishing a challenge.

, She likes to hear you rant about stuff you like and nods her head whenever you make a statement

, She adores hugs, Hug her pretty pretty please :3

, Tries to teach you how to defend yourself but fails, And when she does that literally just makes her pull out a resting bitch face.

, She know's when something's up with you. So if your showing any signs of negative behavior, She tries to comfort you by telling you how strong you are.

" You're trying Lovely, But I'm afraid you're also failing. But that's okay, You're perfect to me in all ways possible. Now may i please have a hug from you my dearest? "

Kinger

, He literally glares at anyone who makes fun of you, He feel's bad for your well being and tries to defend you but fails.

, Drags you to his impenetrable fortress just for him to distract you from negative thoughts when your sad, He distracts you by playing with your hair as he asks you what kind of stuff you like while cuddling

, Hold's your hand when Jax bullies you and when Jax is gone he attempts to try and comfort you.

, He doesn't understand why you're so nice. He always thinks you would get mad and start lashing out but you never do. You just reply with a soft, Kind compliment.

, Stares at you with lovey dovey eyes every time you're near him. He compliments you when you're next to him. He fiddles with his hands while looking at you too.

, Shy loser x Over sweet loser

, Death glare's at anyone who attempts to make fun of you until they go off, He's always pissed when someones mean to you and starts ranting on how you dont deserve such bull shitty treatment.

" (Name), You gotta learn how to fend for yourself!- Yeah you're right actually i suck at fending for myself too. BUT STILL!- You need to actually fight for yourself!... I give up never mind lets just go." drags you to his impenetrable fortress

Kaufmo

, Literally says an offensive joke about anyone who bullies you and then it starts a cat fight.

, He asks if your alright all the time after being yelled at, Bullied, Etc.

, Smooches your hand while cuddling in his room to comfort you if you say no.

, He paints you!! He gets flustered when you ask why he drew you. He uses "B-because you're super kind!" As an excuse with a wobbly smile because he knows he sucks shit at lying.

, When he found an exit, He got so excited because he could show you and you'd be so proud of him!! And you were. And you didn't even take it as a joke.

, He loves how you genuinely love his humor, Even if it's dark.

, Definitely doesn't dream about you both getting married.

, Whenever you laugh he starts to get sweaty and nervous, Because your laugh sounds so genuine that it truly makes him happy, It makes him even more in-love with you.

" Wait.... You... Love my humor? R-really? Uhm.... Of course i'll say more jokes!! F-for you!!"

Pomni

, She's so confused. But she finds you so beautiful.

, Why are you so kind? Are you even real? Are you perhaps an angel sent from heaven to guide her?

, She always freaks out around you and blushes a shit ton.

, Glares at anyone who disrespects you and harsh-fully insults them to the point where the bully bawls their eyes out.

, Asks if you're okay after being insulted and holds your hands as she tells you how great and sweet you are if you say you aren't to reassure you that you're an amazing person.

, She likes to bring you with her while she tries to find a way out the circus, You being her all-time favorite person.

, She drop kicks jax and runs away with you if jax tries to bully you.

, She nods at every statement you say, Not really caring about how stupid your idea is but following it anyways because she's so happy that she gets to be near you.

" (Name), (name)!! Would you like to uh.. Uh!-... COMPLete-! this challenge with me?"

Ragatha

, She's just like you! You're just like her!! You two are basically soulmates sent from heaven.

, Though, She gets mad often and you genuinely are a nonchalant person who's usually calm all the time.

, She defends you from jax and glares at anyone who dares to harshly pick on you.

, Drags you away from the toxic person and asks you whats on you're mind today to distract you from negative thoughts.

, Likes to smooch your cheek after you finish a challenge, Ranting about how proud she is of you.

, Ragatha tends to be passive aggressive when people are being rude to you, For example she says a comment that sounds nice but is extremely offensive to the victims ears.

, Likes to take you to her room so she can braid your hair.

Zooble

, This Ambiguous fuck attacks ANYBODY who messes wit you.

, They comfort you by ranting angrily at you by saying how pretty, Handsome, Sweet and cool you are.

, Will try to teach you how to fend for yourself. But then fails.

, They like to receive attention from you, For example compliments, Praise, Or hugs.

, Cheer's you on when you do something not giving a dog's ass about what others think of it.

, Shit talks the person who talked smack about you.

, Get's in trouble daily for you.

, They like to drag you to their room so they can rant about stuff as they slowly get flustered on how you look and listen to them so intently.

, They also get nervous around you, Pretending that you dont exist and usually pretends to cough to cover up a compliment, When you ask what they said they just said they coughed.

, Likes to rant about you while your listening.

" (Name), You let that little- you know what...? Come on sweetie were gonna do some defensive training. "

Jax

, He literally teases you alot.

, Bullies you but he knows when he goes too far so he stops.

, Bullies the person who talked bullshit about you as if he wanted them dead, because he does.

, Will say death threats to the person who bullied you. Not including himself.

. Can And will throw a fight just because someone criticized you.

, Calls you "Sugar" because of how sweet you are. And also calls you his saint for personal reasons.

, he likes to ask you for a lot of stuff, But plot twist, He asks for kisses, Praise, Etc.

"Hey toots, Mind kissing me right here?~"

Caine

, Bitch was confused on why you were so calmed when you first arrived, But soon later developed feelings for you after the first 2 year's you stayed.

, He honestly was surprised you lasted this long but then remembers he shouldn't because Hoo Hah exists.

, Is VERY chatty when your around him. He likes to rant about stuff while you're just there listening to him speak gibberish.

, Glares at anybody who shit talks you and sends them to the cellar with a sheer look of dissapointment.

, SPIN HUGS WHEN YOU FINISH A CHALLENGE AND YOU WERENT FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. HE PRAISES YOU SO MUCH. RAHH.

, When your sad he takes you to your room and your both just cuddling while your sleeping and under big fat soft blankets and he plays with your hair.

" How dare you criticize my dearest you li-"

Likes + Reblogs are appreciated.

i spent 2 hours on this bitch smh

[nogenderbee]

♡˗ˏ✎*ೃ˚ 𝕄𝕚𝕤𝕤 ℙ𝕖𝕣𝕗𝕖𝕔𝕥 ₊˚ˑ༄

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ @stellas-starry-stories13 request: okay okay okay so akito with like a rlly studious and like uptight reader— thats what she seems like at first, but once you get to know her, shes rlly playful, mischievous, and cheeky

everyone in school knows her for being like the perfect model with all her straight As and also shes like student president and she sometimes overworks herself and gets rlly pressured by all this

ty!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ I HEAR YOUUU

Also I know I'm repeating myself but... I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS

I may've did a bit more or a bit less than just relationship hcs but... I hope you won't mind and like it love!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ fluff

✧ Akito at first definitely found you annoying... in fact, he might've even hated you!

✧ if you also bothered him about his jawlery, clothing or anything... he may not show it but he most definitely couldn't even statnd your voice

✧ he definitely put his polite mask just to not get into more troubles than needed... he doesn't want to get on student council's bad side after all...

✧ he also had pretty bad grades so there's also a high chance he was taken to talk with you about it few times...

✧ you two got to know each other more when you offered to tutor him! It wasn't easy to convince him but in the end he agreed just so you would stop bothering him...

"She's so annoying. She started tutoring me recently and I just hate how smart and patient she is... I was hoping she'll give up after a day or two..."

✧ in the end, he falls for you... maybe first, maybe second... it all depends on you~ but either way, he won't hesitate to take ocassional glances at you whenever you tutor him

✧ results to teaching him fully depend on his mood... sometimes he won't get anything out of tiredness, sometimes just because he wants to mess with you, and sometimes he gets it pretty quickly! And of course doesn't hesitate to be proud about it~

"Of course I got it. It's not THAT hard. Pretty easy actually~"

✧ spoiler: it was not easy at all for him...

✧ you probably had to be the one to ask him out... but he'd try dropping few hints! Like showing off every now and then, letting you catch him staring and so on...

✧ and when you asked him out, he does his best to hide the gentle pink hue on his cheeks and act prideful

"Figured that much, president~ But sure... I guess... I'd like- EHEM can tak you out... on a date... If you're sure-"

✧ he definitely does his best to learn a bit more just to impress you or because of little pressure you put at him with your A grades

✧ whenever he get's a C or more he'll come to you, telling you that now he must have date with you as reward (even if you never made a bet about it)

"Hey, missy. Guess who got B~? So what if with minus? It's still a B! You know what that means, right~?"

✧ he absolutely loves hanging out around council room! Ever since he got free pass from the president and no one can kick him out~ Well... no one except you...

✧ just be prepared for him just hanging out in council room, bragging how you should take a break from all this work and just relax! He doesn't mean anything bad tho, he's just worried about you...

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

@bleachtheidiot @akitosheart @yulikesminori @toyaswif3y @miya-akane @hayillaaaaaaa @stellas-starry-stories13 @hakulivesformusic @luhvashh @akiritoz @sucodelaranja86 - come get your pancakes lover!

[nenelonomh]

march reflections (2024)

writing monthly reflections is a habit that i am proud of, and i am always excited when it reaches the end of the month so that i can reflect on what i have learnt and how i have grown.

achievements of march: 1. i completed my first exam block and emerged with fairly good grades (a, a, c, b, a, b) 2. completed my longest hike so far-- 22km! 3. started this tumblr account

goals of march: ~ to be more aligned with my higher self!! ~ to try and stay in more of an abundance mindset ~ to join another club i think i've achieved my goals well this month. they're not measurable goals but as proof, i can select actions i made in the last months that reflect these goals. for example, i was much more aligned with my higher self in the fact that i have been consistent with my training and going to school. i know that my higher self would never skip school because 'she wasn't feeling like it'. i have been much more in an abundance mindset--choosing to invest in myself and treat myself, because i know that the money will flow right back to me. i had a goal to join another club,, but i was unable to complete this goal. some clubs i might join include philosophy or spanish club. since hugo is leaving school, i'm not sure i will do philosophy (since he was the one who invited me). i guess i'll carry on this goal, and we'll see where it takes us.

journal prompts about march (going into april): 1. what drained my energy? ~ not having a good system in exam block really drained my energy, and i struggled to get back into routine afterwards. i can improve this by building better exam block systems. ~ separating myself from my extroverted tendencies caused me to feel SO lonely. i need to put myself more out there and talk with people even if i am on a date with myself (it could be as little as someone in the grocery line). i CANNOT ignore these tendencies, it's who i am just as much as gem and mehrnaz are introverted.

2. what are my intentions for this month? ~ my intentions for april are to learn more about myself through journaling, solo-dating and exploring. i'd like to keep aligning with high-vibration behaviors. ~ i'd also like to bring out my creative side a bit more,, fostering it through this tumblr account and my storyvillage account. i believe that this will help me to discover myself.

3. what goals do i have for myself this month? ~ two solo-dates (as always) and setting my intentions before the date. ~ join another club (i'm continuing to work on this goal, since i did not complete it last month) ~ spanish study EVERY DAY ~ daily posts😉

4. what will i do to achieve these goals? ~ have a positive, abundant mindset ~ write and hang up these goals in my room so that i am reminded of them ~ record that i study spanish each day in a habit tracker,, or on a private post

significant events april: 1. school break (until april 14) 2. mum and dads wedding anniversary 3. hellfire pass training

training april: (by week): ~ monday, upper body session ~ tuesday, lower body session ~ wednesday, active recovery ~ thursday, lower body session ~ friday, upper body session ~ saturday, varied training hikes or active recovery ~ sunday, active recovery

(images are from pinterest)

[sl33py-g4m3r]

Back with an update after a long break~~ (thanks anxiety (sarcasm))

Hopefully I've kicked anxiety's ass for the time being and am now in the swing of things~~

I still hate the map tho a little bit. Didn't realize you could press B to center the map, thank you for the tip~~!! idk why or how I didn't find that out myself.

Woman's Ring quest complete~~!! as well as the gryphon talons because I was grinding a good deal of them before. I missed one moss somewhere and need to go find it, annoyingly enough. and slay ortherus.

You can complete some quests multiple times? Is it worth it tho? Gryphon talons are just "get the talons, go to K's tavern to deliver, get 30 macca (?) each time" might be worth if you're grinding at the entrance for whatever reason... idk. what do you do with gryphon talons or fu xi feathers anyway? tried to sell them at B's i think and they didn't appear there.

I wonder if I'm overleveled a little bit? The disaster horde or whatever I fought for the ring chest went down with a zan from flynn, a bufu from centaur, bouncing claw from gryphon, and a grahm slice from lahm derg... it hit me once...

I can fuse now and it's probably a good idea; but I've kind of grown attatched a bit to the demons I have... but they also have all of the skills they'll ever know now anyway I think.... could be wrong. but I think you get the "demon whisper" when they've learned all possible skills? so despite growing attatched to them, time to fuse them into other demons?

Update on skills and roster:

Flynn - lvl 7 - still upping primarily magic, luck, agility - still bufu, zan, critical wave

Centaur - lvl 6 - bufu, needle shot

Gryphon (new!) - lvl 5 - bouncing claw, lunge

Lham Dearg (?) - lvl 5 - grahm slice, critical wave

Fu Xi - lvl 5 - zan, patra

Napaea - lvl 4 - dia, dream needle

Myrmecolion (? new!) - lvl 3 - patra

Mokoi (new!) - lvl 2 - zio

tried to use mokoi's zio on a chagrin, immediate death for mokoi. also tried to recruit a chagrin many times..... nope. it's mokoi all over again~~

hooray~~!!

Progress~~!!

Now what? fuse to see what that's all about, hunt for moss, defeat ortherus and continue on?

I hope that if I take a break from this game for a little bit, that break isn't another entire month. getting in the swing of things and hadn't seen Charon this entire time. Almost died but then thanks to napaea's dia, survived.

(gets comfortable, has an SMT moment)

I put gryphon in front instead of Fu Xi because gryphon nulls zan and is weak to the same thing as Fu Xi anyway... also more HP. so only had flynn be zan during that fight.... Still won but makes me worried I spent too much time being afraid because (idk how to read the map (keyboard smash and yelling for help) and stayed by the door grinding for a good bit. as per my last update on how the play through was going.

Is still fun and the music slaps~~!! glad I got into SMT through the music.

I've done some stuff~~ Break time to decide whether I want to fuse demons, and how. just yolo and see what happens? or have certain ones in mind with certain skills?

Then I'd have to recruit everyone again T_T;;

It's not pokemon, don't get attached to your demons, they're nothing but fusion fodder for stronger demons...

I'm attached anyway.

there begs the question~~! trying a challenge run so to speak? where I only use demons of a certain alignment? might be law cause I'm probably going to the law path anyway if I'm being honest with myself....

finally getting somewhere~~! Finally getting comfortable with navigation~~!! Finally get demon fusion app~~!!

break time~~! hopefully for a lot less long than before~~!!

I wanna punch navarre~~~ casting false aspersions of the poor~~~ feel like he's making fun of myself irl cause I am actually poor irl, lol.

proud of myself for this too~~!! get zan anxiety~~!! let fun things be fun~~!!

(new!) demons are new ones that I've acuired through fusion or negotiation; negotiations at this point because I didn't have access to fusion when I got them.

It baffles me how demon negotiations go sometimes. give stuff, say a thing that makes them not attack you, or try again later, give them stuff, don't like giving macca, and I usually refuse after 2 things. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

like was it gryphon? idk.. someone told me to dig with 3 dig options, i chcose the middle one, got a life stone, then promptly gave it back, and they became my ally? what?

same thing sort of with mokoi with the (I'm waiting for someone) and they're like "I'm the person you were waiting for" becomes ally. ?????

???????????

you bet your sweet macca that I saved after those, baby~~!!

good things can happen in this game???

update cause I dug through my posts and the last update was June 18th. the break wasn't a month long. I thought it was, lol.

[dlnj]

Yes I am a freaky transgender diaper girl. A bad girl who should be considered dangerous (he he ) that you should keep restrained as often as you can. Otherwise I might get into trouble . Anyway that being said am I passable? I came out as transgender this year , probably early summer, I have not yet started my transition but I’m still thinking you just might be able to tell if you saw me in public that I wasn’t born a girl. Bummer huh? I really wish I had been but I guess it’s my job to put that right. I was taking my time with the whole transition process mostly to make it easier for people I care about but I’m getting all kinds of grief and torture over it anyway that I think it’s best to just admit that I want to go all the way with it (it’s not even a sec thing , I actually still prefer woman , that goes for me too, I prefer myself as a woman ) if I had it my way I would have transitioned a million yesterdays ago and going forward I’m ready for the full transition right this second if that were an option . For a little bit now I was trying to compromise with certain people but you know what I’m going to hurt you either way so I might as well rip the bandaid off right now. No im not gay im trans and I have been accused of using being a trans girl as a “smoke screen” to hide being gay…… what the hell? How do you figure that’s easier for people to accept that I’m going to living as a woman named Miranda and I am proud to be that girl . That girl who I finally learned what it means to love yourself , I find myself as Miranda beautiful both inside and out and am grateful I found her . I wish I discovered and accepted myself sooner but hey better late than never . I need to know what it’s like to actually be happy in this world so I’ve have made a decision that I will be transitioning to becoming a woman all the time . HRT (estrogen and testosterone blockers) Top Surgery hopefully trying for a large B cup or small C cup, and I now have decided to do the bottom too, no more playing games going back and forth and soaring feelings when you dont try and spare mine at all so screw up we both knew this was inevitable anyway so why wait, time to pull the trigger . Miranda is the name and I’m a freaky bad girl who wears and loves diapers . That’s who I am and that’s who I’m going to be, to hell with the haters. Anyway love to all who support me no matter what and fooie to those who do not , who needs you to bring me down when I’m good enough at that on my own. Anyway wish me luck . 

[amynchan]

American high school A/B students, come here. I need to gently hold your face, give you a cozy blanket, and get you a hot cocoa. Then, I need to sit you down and talk with you.

You guys are working so, so, so damn hard. And a lot of you guys have extra curriculars on top of that. And you guys are recovering from the whole thing that Covid put you through, which was a really hard time to be an A/B student because you had to self-motivate to keep the grade even while your mental health went down the shitter. A lot of you guys have been taught to put your nose to the grindstone and work, and you do it well. You guys are working hard, and I see that.

And I have to tell you that school is failing you in a very, very, very important way.

I'm a college instructor. I also used to be that A/B student who put absolutely everything into her grades and sacrificed sleep, a social life, and at times money to get that degree to say that I was ready for the adult world. But now, I get you guys after high school has run you through, and the most, most, most important skill you could cultivate is one that isn't treasured a lot in high school, and it's one that thoroughly knocked me on my tail end when I got into college myself.

College requires you to test things for yourself. It requires you to ask "why." It requires you to think outside the box at times.

It requires you to troubleshoot a problem when one comes to you.

I have a lot of students who are earnestly doing their best, but at the first hiccup, they will stop. They won't ask why. They won't troubleshoot. They won't try to figure out what's wrong and how to either fix it or move around it. School has taught them to be scared of trying new things out and afraid to get the wrong answer lest you get punished severely.

I had a student who didn't know what setting to use in google docs to make a hanging indent. They didn't look it up, and they didn't start pushing buttons. Because of that, they lost about a day's worth of work in indecision.

I have another student who is doing research. They were so confused as to what [#] meant, and they didn't consider that the number referred to the numbered sources at the bottom. Why? Because they'd been taught to be afraid to be wrong, and they wanted me to figure out this new, complex problem instead just in case they couldn't figure it out themselves.

I have students who run into technological errors, as are common nowadays, and at the first sign of trouble, they frantically look around for someone else to tell them what to do.

Guys. You have got to bring troubleshooting back. When there is a problem, please poke around. Press buttons. Try things. Chances are, you won't break a website by poking around, and you won't break anything physical unless you very viscerally smash it on the ground. Getting stuck and needing to figure your own way out is not a failing on your end; its the honing of a very, very, very necessary skill.

You are an A/B student for a reason. Chances are, you want to make a name for yourself or make your parents proud. You want to be An Adult one day, respected and secure and loved. And I am telling you that, as an adult, people will look to you for answers that you may not always have. Right now, here, wherever you are, you need to start learning to troubleshoot. Don't just blindly follow directions anymore.

Start learning how to troubleshoot. Start learning to figure it out. Give yourself permission to try solutions, be okay if they don't work, and try again.

Your future self will thank you so, so, so much.

[mlmxreader]

LAST PROMPT LIST

some of you may have seen my post about doing one last prompt list for this week; basically, if after 3 days I don't get any requests or interaction, I'm gonna delete this one & I won't be posting another.

for the time being, smut sunday is ALSO on hold due to it not happening for the past 2 weeks (I didn't receive any requests, so it didn't happen). however, if I look at a request (if any) and decide i want to make it NSFW, then I will. otherwise, all the prompts you're about to see are SFW.

list of who I write for

list of what I WILL take requests for

╰─▸ ❝ I take requests for gender neutral reader & male reader, non binary reader, transmasc reader, etc. NOT FEM. ❞

list of what I will NOT take requests for

rules & guidelines

Palestinian fundraisers

The Prompts

"I never wanted anyone but you"

"Not bad, not bad"

"Just do as I say"

"Stop fucking swearing"

"Be proud"

"Loosen up, would ya?"

"Now turn"

"Can I sit with you?"

"Nothing, just curious"

"It sure is fun"

"I don't blame you"

"I would never hurt you"

"Shut it!"

"I never learn my lesson"

"What's in the bag?"

"I didn't mean to"

"What did I say about protecting you?"

"I will kill you"

"There's really no need to get jealous"

"Go fuck yourself"

"And what are you gonna do about it?"

"Is he alright?"

"Dunno, you've been distant lately"

"Easy, we don't wanna make a scene and cause trouble"

"This isn't really what I had in mind"

"Oh please, everybody knows"

"All I did was have a little fun"

"I don't know what I'm gonna do"

"I need your advice"

"I don't really know how I feel about it"

"Why can't I get you off my mind?"

"Look at me - I'm not going anywhere"

"Will you just talk to me, please?"

"Tell me what's wrong"

"I might just say fuck it"

"You seem upset"

"Maybe I'm just an idiot and thought you cared"

"Do you really feel that way?"

"It's a shit situation but I'm still with you"

"Don't go, I don't wanna be alone"

"Calm down"

"What the fuck is that?"

"It shouldn't be this way"

"That's how you choose to reveal our relationship?"

"I am gonna be in so much shit"

"Can I get you anything?"

"I was about to ask if you'd marry me"

"Let me look at it"

"You are a bastard and I love you for it"

"Don't you dare."

"Please stay with me"

"You'll never know"

"I dreamed of being with you"

"Is loving you a crime, now?"

"What the fuck is that?"

"You sound like you've been crying." "No, just sick - damn cold won't fuck off."

"I had some extra time so I thought I'd stop by for a bit"

"We can be alone at last"

"He was with me all day"

"Take five minutes off and dance with me, won't you?"

"There we go, that fixed it!"

"You are an idiot."

"Oh bugger, it's ny ex..."

"You haven't played that song in so long"

"You know me through and through"

"You have never been difficult to please"

"Be fucking honest"

"Oi! Oi!"

"Fucking listen to me!"

"There is nothing more dangerous than a charming man"

"I got snot all over your shirt..." "I'm not worried, I can have it cleaned."

"I think I preferred it when you two weren't talking."

"All you ever did for me... thank you"

"I'm bulletproof." "Except you're not!"

"I can look after myself." "I know, but I... I feel better knowing that I'm around in case something goes wrong"

"I can do better"

"You aren't still upset about last night?"

"I just wanted to have a bit of fun"

"But I'm not like that"

"Never ask who's there! Have you never seen a horror film?!"

"The power's out, and I have no cell signal..."

"Hey, did you leave your hockey mask on the porch?" "I don't own a hockey mask"

"There is a guy outside with a machete and an axe"

"We are not fucking splitting up! That's a one way ticket to being murdered!" "You watch far, far too many films"

"It's a full moon, you know what that means." "That it's a full moon?"

"Don't fucking ask"

"Chill! It's just me!"

"We are lost in the woods and there is a cunt out there chasing us! Now is not the fucking time!"

"It's a house party, it'll be fun!"

"If we're gonna die, just so you know, I fucking love you"

"Is that blood?"

"Might as well sit here a minute"

"It won't hurt"

"Stay still, be quiet, I'll be back"

"So, are you ready to tell them?"

"You best be ready"

"Can we go out for one night without you getting into a fight?" "Nope"

"Your fucking jealousy will be the end of me"

"It's cold... can I sleep with you?"

"You sound like shit." "I feel like it, too"

[liminalmemories21]

You quilt!!! That’s so sick, I’m learning from my aunt (can’t practice much on my own b/c I don’t have the space for a sewing corner in my house) this is the one we just finished for my bed (it’s not quite full sized). I didn’t do it all my myself and it took FOREVER, she did quite a bit of the cutting and then we sent it off to have the pretty flower design put quilted in cause the fabric was too pretty for my squiggly free form stuff lol. But I’m proud of it anyway lol.

The one you made is LOVELY!! What an amazing gift to give someone. You’re obviously very talented with it. What’s the name of the pattern?

I’m really hoping I can make some space in my house to get my own set up - I enjoy quilting a lot but without being able to practice (and inevitably mess up lol) on my own I don’t know that I’ll get any better.

That quilt is extemely cool. I love the windowpane kind of look.

The quilt pattern I used for the quilt I just made is called Birds of Paradise, and the border pattern is a ribbon (sorry, don't have a link to where I found that). Side note - I adore block pattern names - Drunkard's Path, Stars in Bloom, Flying Geese, Storm at Sea.

I didn't do the actual quilting - you need a long arm machine, or a large quilting frame to do that and I don't have the space for either.

But, the actual pieced top I did by hand while I watched TV. You can kind of do it in blocks and then put it together at the end which makes it not take up that much space while you're piecing it together.

It does take a while. I think this took maybe +/- 150 hours of sewing - so maybe two and a half months of watching TV after dinner? But it's nice to do something with my hands while I watch TV, and it gets me off my computer.

I kind of want to do a log cabin quilt with all the endless amounts of leftover fabric I have. I have, however, run out of friends who are un-domesticated, and they've all had all the children they're going to have, and all the beds in my house have a quilt. Not sure what I'll do with it when I'm done.

[tremendouskoalachild]

Isabela Merced talked about tlou in a recent interview promoting her new movie, so i transcribed that part

Correct me if I’m wrong – are you in the middle of The Last of Us right now? Are you basically taking a break for press?

We are on the tail end of it, I think we're about to be done soon. I already saw the teaser, Craig Mazin showed it to me. It was phenomenal, and I’m really excited for the world to see it.

I got a chance to do the podcast with Craig after last season. I know you must now be an amazing fan, that guy's a genius. He's amazing and such a sweet guy. Did you go hard after this one? Were you a fan of the game?

Yeah, yeah. I never played the first one, I probably will after this. But the second one I played, and I loved it. And it was really cool to see how the sets look exactly the same. It's so neat. Every day on set is challenging, I will say. It's a show about fungus. So it's not glamorous by any means, and it's hard topics and conversations. Fear is one of the main emotions that we experience throughout. And I'm really proud of Bella. I think if I were to close this out, if this was the last interview I did about The Last of Us before he wrapped, I would say, you know, I really hope Bella gets their flowers. They're working really, really hard, physically and emotionally, mentally. One thing I've learned throughout this is like, wow, you can really admire people who are younger than you. You can really look up to them, absolutely.

Yeah, no, Bella is a special one. I also spoke to them after the first season and just the intense scrutiny too and, you know, there's toxicity out there. The stuff that you guys have to deal with, it's crazy. Just let the great actors act, and Bella is a great one.

Well, what confuses me is the showrunner and the creator of the video game, they work together to make this. So if you like what the guy made and he's making more of it, why are you mad? I don't know, I'm too opinionated to be on twitter. Like, I really need off, because I see this stuff, and it makes me just want to go Cardi B on them, you know what I mean?

I'm worried about your buddy Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn Dever, one of the great actors of our time. Abby – no spoilers – does some things that people don't necessarily approve of. Kaitlyn’s going to get some hate through proxy of just being Abby.

There's so many strange people in this world. There are people that actually, genuinely, hate Abby, who is not a real person. Just a reminder – not a real person. And so, you know, Kaitlyn had to be extra-secured by security when it came to the filming of this. Kaitlyn is such a cool person who just does not get phased by things, really has her head in the right place, and also is going through a lot right now, personally.

I know she lost her mom, yeah.

Yeah, it's devastating to see. But also, give her the damn Emmy, honestly. I’m so excited for people to see how incredibly well Bella and Kaitlyn did on this.

And obviously the relationship between Ellie and Dina is important. I assume you guys screen tested as well, you and Bella?

Oh, no actually. Craig and Neil came to me for a “generic meeting”, as they say. And I was like, okay. Then they kind of mentioned the show and how there's a character there that maybe… and I thought oh, even if the meeting goes well, I'll still have to audition and I'll do my research and whatever. And I guess they decided there and then that they wanted me. So that's wild. I don't even think I believe in myself that much. So I'm like, okay, sure, I'll accept it.

Is there something that you've shot that you're most excited for fans to see? I know we have a long way to go before we see it, but something that you took part in that you can't wait for the fandom to see?

I think it's the romance for me. I think it's the romance between the two of us that really brings a tear to my eye. I have a whole playlist for Dina and Ellie. It's beautiful, there's this one song that we would play on set, that I would play on set and that Bella really loved, by Adrianne Lenker, that really set the tone for us. It's beautiful. I think they did a really good job.