#i kinda hate this about me bc i feel like it makes it hard to get close to others at times
Text
ive been thinking about hard of hearing steve, who started losing his hearing after starcourt, the scoops troops are the first to find out because of how attached they are, robin erica and dustin all insist on steve learning to sign but he's insecure about learning a new language so they slowly learn and start teaching him
after vecna, eddie gets adopted to their little group and starts picking up on the signs and learning on his own, still struggles to hold a conversation, esp with the likes of robin or dustin, but he atleast knows simple words and phrases enough to communicate, eddie also gets into the habit of signing ILY to steve before he leaves, except steve rarely studies asl on his own most of what he remembers is from robin/erica/dustin, who never thought to teach him that specific sign, so steve just thinks eddie is just being a metalhead throwing up a 'rock on' gesture, hes still absolutely endeared by eddie doing this but he doesn't realize that eddie saying he loves him everyday, what follows is a ridiculous amount of pining where only steve doesn't know because everyone else know what that sign means, he only finds out because after gossiping with robin(who has tried to tell steve that its reciprocated) about eddie, erica interupts their convo by telling steve that eddie tells him he loves steve everyday (that clown is so obviously in love with you, how are you still pining? you're supposed to be a expert, steve?)
(edit 07/23: this fic is now on ao3)
#she says this loudly in the middle of an empty family video eddie walks in during the middle of the argument that follows#immediately gets roasted and gets a boyfriend bc steve is not running from the chance in front of him#yes i am projecting my hearing loss onto steve deal with it#also i dont like the idea that steve hates himself for losing his hearing even if its from tramua bc it makes me feel shitty about mine#instead i like to think he leans into it like a grandpa he might never get hearing aids or maybe he does and avoids ever turning them on#but i do think he would be insecure about trying to learn a new language when he previously has shown to struggle with school#so even after eight months of learning he's still kinda learning basic signs while the other scoop troops are catching on more#hard of hearing steve is something so personal to me#stranger things#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#hoh steve harrington#hard of hearing steve harrington#stranger things headcanons#steddie ficlet
691 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ais playlist on repeat while I pretend that I'm going to finish any of my WIPs before his birthday on the 18th
I'm taking it off private and putting it out into the universe in hopes it may serve my fellow procrastinators well. And also just for people to hopefully enjoy.
🐙
#my Very Specific Ais playlist for Very Specific WIP#Ais Touchstarved#Touchstarved Ais#if I tell myself I'm not gonna do it can I reverse psychology myself into ...?#toxintouch: playlists#Touchstarved game#i will un-private more of them eventually but I do this thing where they start with like 50 songs then I whittle them down#and separate them into specific songs that feel cohesive / more like a narrative to me not sure if this is for me or other ppl any more#bc I will jump genres so hard it gives everyone whiplash#i regret to inform u that imo it works best listened to linear w/o shuffle.#v v v excited about some of my leander playlists mhin's is lost in the weeds a little bit atm the sorting is a nightmare & vere's has to be#perfect#every update makes sp0tify worse i fear#(i might also add it other places? we shall see)#i might hate the cover image --it kinda exists on accident-- so it may just be a place holder idk
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
Boy King Seb :D
#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333#he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today#this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!!#can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant#i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am'#this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!!#i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;;#okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH):#this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved)#its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph?#but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010)#its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves#seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his#so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better#whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it)#not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh#anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO#its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation#pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)#i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos#sebastian vettel#f1#formula 1#f1 art#formula 1 art#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such#boy king au
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
I tried listening to Olivia Rodrigo and I'm sure this is really good for its target audience of Teen Girls Going Through A Breakup but has she actually ever put out a song that isn't about a guy cheating, breaking up with her and moving on to someone else?
like babe he's not coming back it's been 2 years you gotta find something else in your life
#red said#it's not to my taste. tbh#content aside pop music is going through a very early 2000s breathy oversinging phase#hated it with xtina and alanis hate it with ariana and olivia sorry#it's a personal taste thing but to me however hard you go with the backing track that kind of soft pretty vocal style kind of#drags it back into midtempo sludge for me#also tbh it's just extremely normal music. like i went over to her yt bc people were talking about how Weird vampire is#it's not though????? it's super not????#anyway the only one I've got anything out of is good 4 u cause she sounds more involved and less self-pitying on it#every other Olivia song I've heard sounds kinda the same bc they all have the same earnest self-pity vibe#which is what a lot of people need out of music! music that makes them feel the depth of their anger and sadness!#but idk it's never done it for me i like there to be something of a tongue in cheek or a hysterical edge#i think most of the songs I've heard from her are just too controlled and polished for them to not sound to me#like she's the person who sees you crying cause your partner is in hospital and goes YEAH I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL#MY EX CHEATED ON ME 5 YEARS AGO AND IT REALLY TRAUMATISED ME AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT and then you have to comfort her#like i recognise she's a 20 year old making music for teenagers so that is. appropriate.#but i struggled with the wallowing then too. were i a Teen at school with Olivia's character i would be so desperate to tell GROW UP#and it's not the lyrics it really is the music#heartbreak is a perfectly good theme to write on but oh my god not every song about it needs to be a mouthful call to arms
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
to all the people i have yet to message back, i'm so sorry and i promise i love your ideas!! i'm just having a period of really bad motivation and forgetfulness. pls feel free to kick me in the butt ( ; ω ; )
#and anxiety bc i've forgotten to respond to things so rip me asdfg#truly sometimes it's just me vs. the fear that people will hate me for taking too long to respond#i kinda hate this about me bc i feel like it makes it hard to get close to others at times#wish my brain could just let me be social without there being the perfect conditions first/me fighting it till it listens to me asdfg#get ready to ramble | ooc#i'm here kinda? kinda#feeling a lil awkward rn so i'm probably gonna be working on icons for chiyo
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
not to p*riod post but like. it came so late last month and it’s even later this month probably both due to stress (lol) and i mean i never “hope” i will get it ever but i was hoping id get it during the fall break so it wouldn’t mess up any of the things i need to do this week and i think there’s like a 90% chance im gonna get it tomorrow which is a jam packed day during which im supposed to give a campus tour to a prominent vice president an hour after getting to the office so. lol
#purrs#i don’t want to call it when i don’t even have cramps yet but if i wake up in agony im probably going to work from home. im trying this new#thing where i don’t push myself to do the usual thing if im in agony and i know there’s stuff that needs to get done but it won’t get done#well if im not well first so. yeah. i feel so bad like the tour is at 10 and im probably gonna… idk. i shouldn’t say im going to do when i#don’t know for certain yet but it’s not looking good. also i am kinda worried abt why suddenly it’s getting later and later like ive been#thru much worse stuff than what’s happening currently and it came maybe like 2 days late at most but im getting to the point where it’s#around a week late now and ummmmm. i don’t think that is normal 😃 but i am trying not to think about it that hard bc nothing else is ‘wrong#that i can tell it’s just it’s late. idk. im dreading it so much i always dread it it’s so so painful and i hate knowing im about to#experience such severe pain i cant function for like 24-36 hrs 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#delete later#probably gonna have to cancel the tour which will make me look like a flake but. 😐
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
One thing ive been thinking about lately is that like
Its okay to only ever make bad art. Its okay to only paint "boring" things or only draw the same thing a million times or only be "okay" at sewing or crochet. Sometimes i think theres this idea that its okay to make bad art because its part of the process of making good art, but i think its fine to make art that is bad or just okay and not keep looking at it thinking about ways it is flawed or ways to make it better. If you want to improve and grow, thats great and you will through the process of just doing something over and over or looking for advice or other ways of learning.
But its also totally okay to only ever want to make bad art
#art#delete later#idk ive been thinking a lot about how like#for the last few years the vast majority of my art has been drawing d&d characters largely by tracing over refs#and just drawing the same things over and over#because it makes me happy!#and sometimes i just see this come off as like. a way to moralize taste/lack of satisfaction with how your work turned out#because that peice doesnt matter its just one step on the way to making better ones#but if you only ever make lumpy pottery thats fine! you made a lumpy pottery!#like my great aunts house is covered in paintings shes made#and theyre not to my taste they feel kinda generic and bland to me#but she is showing more of her art in her house than i am in mine and im like. which of us is happier as an artist#value your art where it is#especially if its a fucking hobby! jesus christ!#if its a hobby do you want to spend so much time and energy hating it you dont enjoy it anymore? fuck!#like i just finished a sweater and now a part of me wants to break fom knitting/crochet for a bit bc ive been working hard at it for a whil#and it turned out fine but with some fit issues i know to fix in future projects#but idk#i need to allow myself the freedom to let bad art be completed art#anyway this got weirdly sentimental#i should go paint some weird fish now#also from my own experience. it helps me appreciate other artists more#because it helps me stop going oh i could do that/could never do that#and i can just go. wow look at the cool art and technical skill on display
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
im sooooooo self-conscious about my leg scars.
#camera talks#also my arms but slightly less so bc i cant get around that one as much anymore#thats the one thing that. if people mention it i literally want to die#i work so hard to feel normal about them again and 1 comment will literally break all that and i will probably end up crying#picking scars are so hard to deal with... and some of them are literally years old#theres nothingggg i can do#keep to yourself stop asking me questionsssss#i hate summer/later spring bc that means short sleeve and shorts and people Seeing my scars#the one reason i have been suffering with my hoodie and pants at school rn. el oh el. it sucks but i cant Not so#one nice-ish thing tho. art of the characters who have gone through prentiss in tma. literally look like my scars sometimes#and it kinda makes me feel nice. idk. weird circular scars rep#anywayyys
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
maybe i am cool and fun to be around. i feel like people dont like me but ive hardly been around anyone in so long so i have no proof of that.
#the bin#there have been some people who seemed to wanna be friends. i wish it couldve happened.#there was one of my sisters old coworkers who said they wanted to be friends. i really wanted to get to know them and hangout but i didnt#have tbeir contact info and my sister kept randomly having falling outs with them bc shes the worst#they stopped wanting to be around my sister. apparently they still wanted to be my friend but i never got her contact info#she seemed so cool. she showed me her los and monster high collection one of the few times we hung out. i wish we coulda watched#barbie movies together or smth. but no.#how do you meet people? where do you meet people who like the some kinda stuff you do? is it all just luck based?#ive been thinking music shows might be a good idea to try n meet people. that seems to be where a lot of people meet their cool alt friends#i wish i wasnt so lost on how social stuff works. others seem to just make friends wherever. but whenever i talk to people it ends quickly#how do you turn an acquaintance into a friend? some people will meet somone once in a circumstance where theyd never run into them again#and theyll become friends. how do they do that? i know its not luck. how do people have conversations in ways that lead to that?#how do you even learn you have these common interests or that you just like their personality? i hardly know what to talk about that isnt#immediately relevant. i do pretty well socially in work settings bc i can make some casual conversation but its all pretty enpty#i feel so awful every second of the day. nothing distracts me from it. i just wanna talk to someone. watch a show with someone#hold soneones hand. not be alone all the time.#i miss telling jokes. its like such a big part of me and how i interact with people. i have bareky gotten to joke around with anyone in#months. i think that especially is crushing me honestly#i just. i feel SO BAD. every day feels so long and horrible. its only one more month and then things will change at least somewhat but#everyday is so hard to get through. every hour feels like forever. i hate it. i can do anything to feel better#i feel empty of everything besides horrible feelings
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way
This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow
but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month
None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion
#like i should be doing more#im very sorry for complaining so much online#i just dont really have any other way to express myself#i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear#but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter#matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal#but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time#i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to#but i also want to if that makes any sense at all#i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally#i want to stop being toxic towards myself#i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way#but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up#I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it#doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling#it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard#this is so woe is me#im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create#and i have none like thats so unfair#this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it#i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again#please im done i just dont want to
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
this post will be completely pointless but guys i fucki gng . i fuckin loveart ok
#qktalks#I LOVE IT!!!!#it'sso fun and it's so therapeutic to have a creative release#i fuckin adore Making Things#i love doin lineart sm#i love coloring and picking out which colors go well together (i used to hate that!!!! i love it now!!!!!!!)#i love mappin out poses in my silly little brain#i LOVE makin new designs of pretty much anything . character outfits or creature designs i adore it all#this is literally just me wiggling like an excited dog about a mundane thing i've been doing for nearly 20 years GVAIYGEV#feel free to ignore imjust unstable#i just !!!!!!im very giddy over this all of a sudden#before i got into lu i had taken a break from art for like a year#bc i had kinda just given up ? nothing i made was ever ''good'' and it was upsetting and demoralizing . so i stopped#but then i started drawin again an entire year later and fuckin !!! look where i am now!!!!#people look at my art!!!!!! im proud of a lot of stuff i create!!!!!#granted im still hard on myself and i often end up hating older art but !!!!im so much better about it nowadays#and i just Enjoy the Process a lot more. maybe it's because i've simply gotten better at drawing but#i think it's so fun . this post is a wreck im so sorry GVIUYEAGIUV#okay bye imgonna go play more nfs heat . ty for watching me make a fool of myself
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have never felt more dumb by a class than i did by language literacy when i was 15
#basically the worst part was i thought it was just gonna be and english ext type thing but no#now looking back at it i was in bottom english too so 2016 was the year i lost faith in the english department#anyways i remember my mum actually called the school and went ‘this class is making my daughter feel dumb and not in a good way’#literally its bc you selected her for it and then are reteaching her fucking english grammer#*granmar#enough on that tho at least i worked my way out#and there was no yearly either lol#i have stories about how fucking incompetent my schools english department made me feel 7 years ago but you know what? im fine now#gonna continue writing my silly stories out of fucking spite#that combined with my ex friend’s math test story is kinda fucked#basically in year seven they altered the questions in her’s and several other’s tests to make it easier#then when they did well it would “boost their confidence”#i repressed it fr and it just came back to me then#and i was like… oh thats the point i gave up on them! it was long before my yr 12 teacher decided to hate me!!!#they tried so hard to make me a woman in stem
1 note
·
View note
Text
I have had the WORST separation anxiety since my friendship breakup I’m genuinely in a lot of distress most of the time and I’m clinging to my bf so much it’s actually a bit pathetic
#🧚🏽♀️ — luxe chit chat#ugh it’s really getting TIRESOME I just wanna feel better again!!#im kinda finding out new things after the fact and it’s just making my wounds open up n I can’t really heal or move on#idk what to say or do or think or feel it’s so stressful#on one had I’m like she’s going through a hard time she needs space everything will go back to normal eventually#and the other hand I’m like she hates you it’s over move on lmao#idk what I did idk if she hates me but I feel like it was more personal than she’s lead me to believe#SO long story short it’s after midnight and I just got to Kay’s house bc I don’t want to be alone for a second lmao#I’m just so hurt and bummed out I really miss her like crazy but I’m also angry that this happened it just seems so senseless#idk idk idk I’m trying to make sure she knows I still care about her and I’m here if she wants to reach out but maybe that’s wrong#idk what’s right I’m just doing my best and trying to be supportive n kind and understanding#ughhh this shit SUUUUUCKS
1 note
·
View note
Photo
Voyager Relationship Chart[s]
#I know missed something...I know I did#'?' indicates the person isnt quite sure#also double arrow is mutual and one-way arrow is unreciprocated#I FORGOT ABOUT THE EMH IM SOORRRYYY#st voyager#also its hard to see what the emh's yellow '?' is and its for B'Elanna...he does not know if she is his friend#The Doctor seems like the type of person who /could/ daydream about a relationship with anyone#'hate youuu <3' = I'm really enjoying this bickering thing we've got going on#Whatever weird thing Tom has onesidedly going on with Tuvok & Janeway...study it#I put Seven as 'hate you fr' for Tom bc in my version of Voyager she has a crush on B'Elanna#Seven & B'Elanna issues = so deep so vast so interesting but they can get through it#I think B'Elanna would resent Janeway and Tuvok a lot more than she seems to in canon#also B'Elanna and Tuvok....issues...mostly from B'Elanna's pov...I think they should have fought. Like physically <3#Seven would also resent Janeway MUCH MUCH more than she seems to in canon#I love how many people are 'issues' to Janeway#Harry is friends with literally everyone BUT her#People: (feeling complex and conflicting things about Janeway)#Janeway: (In her lane. Withering. Moisturized bc Tuvok makes her. Very bothered. Unaware.)#she gave a guy who has no issues with his real mother mommy issues with HER specifically - her immense power#Tom thinks he and Tuvok are kinda pals :) aww he acts cold but he likes me ~ he's a funny guy! Meanwhile Tuvok thinks he's kind of a menace#Tom thinks he 'gets' Tuvok while Tuvok thinks Tom can choke#unfortunately that blue arrow goes both ways#um...also I think Kes having a little crush on Harry would be cute <3 he doesn't feel the same way and that's fine#crushes dont have to be serious~#I believe in Janeway/Seven but only if its so weird and unhealthy and never really comes to be#HEHEHthisis all...SO specific to my mind...my mind to your mind...my thoughts to your thoughts...
10 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
