#because that peice doesnt matter its just one step on the way to making better ones

[new-bird-song]

One thing ive been thinking about lately is that like

Its okay to only ever make bad art. Its okay to only paint "boring" things or only draw the same thing a million times or only be "okay" at sewing or crochet. Sometimes i think theres this idea that its okay to make bad art because its part of the process of making good art, but i think its fine to make art that is bad or just okay and not keep looking at it thinking about ways it is flawed or ways to make it better. If you want to improve and grow, thats great and you will through the process of just doing something over and over or looking for advice or other ways of learning.

But its also totally okay to only ever want to make bad art

[pastel-bullet-101]

Part 7

The words that came out of his mouth hit me hard I'll be honest but he has a point. If I wanna get information I'll need to be with the others but I took what he said into consideration. He said I would no longer get help from him. So this is his way of helping though its harsh he does seem genuine and if this exercise works I'll have better control over my quirk. How hard can it be anyway? "So what's your answer?" I looked up to Mr. Aizawa. "I would rather have better control before joining back in the regular class. I wouldnt want to put them in danger." Aizawa gave me a slight nod. "Good that's what a hero would do I'm glad you know to put others safety over your pride." Is that a compliment? Doesnt matter he then begins to walk out the door. "Once you have it down come fetch me in the teachers lounge. Then again I doubt you'll get it today." With that he left and closed the door. After a while I look over the the plank of wood. Alright it cant be that bad. I slowly step up onto the plank. Ok so I just have to jump and land without shattering it. I got to jump but then stop myself. The force then made me fall off. Landing on my behind with a thud. "Shit!" I gently rub my behind. "That's definitely a bruise." The more I think about it the more impossible the task seems to be. How do I jump and land but without using enough force to shatter it? "Uhhggg" I begin to scratch my head out of frustration. Is this even possible? Is this his way of getting me out of the other classes? No. No. No I can do this. I just need to stop doubting myself and do it. I fix up the wood and such because my tumble caused the contraption to fall apart slightly. I get back onto the plank of wood keeping my balance. Ok just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it. Just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it.Just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it.Just jump and land without causing enough force to shatter it. I jump up and land hard onto the wood and it shatters into pieces. Causing another rough blow to my behind. Damn it! I look ok very to the shattered plank. Ok I need to revert it quickly before my time runs out. I quickly grab all of the shards. I close my eyes. Ok breathe in breathe out. Visualize the plank. I let the shards slowly fall out of my hand so the plank has room to form. Breathe in breathe out and. "Revert!" I open my eyes back to the shatters. "Oh come on!" Ok I can just try again.

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Nothing. "Aw come on I really dont want to go across campus." I let out a exaggerated sigh. I'm desperate and start bargaining with the shards." Come on please revert back? I'm sorry I shattered you so give me a chance okay?" I try again aaaannnnd.

Nothing. "Come on please work!" Little did I know while I was yelling at inanimate objects Mr. Aizawa was outside the door listening in laughing at my failed attempts. He soon retreats but not before yelling out. "By the way you can only get one peice of wood at a time." He then chucked at the groan of defeat behind him. He already was hopeful to see the progress she's going to make.

Okay I can do this I mean how hard can it be really?

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"Wow back so soon? What's that like five times in the past half hour?" I felt like I was coughing up a lung by the time I made it to the wood workshop. I have been unable to fix that peice of stupid wood so after the second peice of wood I kinda stopped trying to fix it and work on landing on the wood without breaking it. "Yeah, I haven't been having much luck." The boy smiled back at me. "What makes you go through so much wood? I'm starting to get freaked out." He handed me a new peice with a small chuckle. The boy in question was Izumi Kotamon he's in class 2-C. "Its this training my teacher gave me and every time I mess up I have to get a new peice of wood and I'm coming from the far gym so it's a bit tough." I scratch slightly at my scalp. "Oh yeah your in the hero course right? Must be tough." I let out an small laugh. "Well I gotta get going I'm sorry to cut this short but I'm losing time." Izumi's face flushed a bit.

"R-right I get it... I mean your in hero class so it must be important." I the started slightly jogging away. "Yeah but I'll probably see you soon." I gave him a slight wave and begin to run back to the training room. My lungs were already beginning to give out. I guess this is one way to build up endurance. The more I think about it the more I realize that this training once done properly could really help me.

BUT WHAT IF I NEVER GET IT RIGHT??

"What the hell?!"

Shit. I really need to stop daydreaming.

"Crap sorry I should've been paying more attention."

"Yeah no shit."

Huh? I look to see who I ran into and it's none other than the maniac himself.

Bakugou Katsuki.

I look at him and notice he's pretty beat up and he is in his hero costume. "Wow you dont look to good."

He then looked at me with an extremely menacing glare. Shit I didnt mean to say that out loud. Well to late to back down now. "I mean your um scars look bad you should probably make your way to the nurse-"

"Who the hell are you to tell me to do anything!" He then shoved past me. "Are you serious! I was trying to be nice asshole!" He whipped his head back around.

"The fact that I even wasted my time on a stupid extra like you is me being nice!" He then huffed and stomped away. What a self righteous prick. I took a gaze over at the clock. Shit I wasted like 15 minutes.

Jeez I cant believe that guy. Just thinking about him makes me angry. And the fact he actually isn't that bad of a looker makes me even more pissed. Like if your gonna be an asshole at least have the decency to look like a peice of shit.

I mad either to the training room that I learned how to hate pretty fast. I dont even think it's possible to do? And if it is can I even do it? I place the wood back to its Oh so familiar spot and let out a breath. "How the hell am I even supposed to do this?"

[rainy-knight]

Arrivederci prt2

New best friend?

Was that even possible? They had only just met and exchanged names.

Her emotions were waves crashing inside her gem. This being known as the Steven had proclaimed to replace Pink as her new best friend but could it possibly be that simple? And what of her loyalty, although her hope to have someone care for her the thought of pink coming back and being disappointed terrified her to the core.

What if she lost Pink because of a misunderstanding?

To agree with Steven would mean to admit that the one person who she tirelessly tried to make smile abandoned her. The thought alone nearly caused her to poof, was it always so hard to breath? Was she just not good enough? Was she always not going to be enough for Pink diamond no matter how hard she tried.

Spinel hickuped, her throat feeling tight.

Her battered and weathered form shook, but there was a feeling of warmth. Ah, looking down she realized her dirty hands were still locked with the child's hands. A small smile on his face as he waited for a answer.

Truth be told the thought of a new best friend sent her heart gem sailing, but was chained to Pink diamonds command. Her words, no matter how kind, petrified her. To the point where weeds and roots grew on her foot and legs, the rotting prison called a garden entrapped her.

To even take a single step was to disrespect Pink, to take a single step would mean to abandoned the friendship she had with pink.

Steven: "Well that's dumb! No best friend would ditch each other!"

Spinel eyes widened. She had just said that last bit outloud, her own voice betraying her. She even felt his grip on her mitts tighten.

Steven: "You deserves someone who would treat you better! It doesnt even have to be me! Even Lars would treat you better! And he can be a massive jerk face sometimes!"

Spinel could only watch as the boy say his peice, some dampness forming in the corner of his eyes.

She would be lying if she said she didnt care if he let go of her hands but oh, that gentle warmth. Letting go he dashed forward, both arms grabbing at her vine covered legs.

Steven: "You just got to take a step right? As you're new best friend I won't allow you to be alone! I won't let you stand here ANY LONGER!"

Spinel could feel her body begin to budge, hope blossoming from the darkness that blanked her gem. She couldn't move from Pinks command but if he overpowered her command then...

Steven: "Its just wrong, WRONG!" Steven grit his teeth, lifting her with all his might, the weeds were really set in and it didnt help he was out of shape. Three months of eating out the cookie cat fridge did that.

Steven was never needed, his dad, although a bit clumsy had everything under control. And amethyst, garnet and pearl had always protected him. Never once did they truly need him. But this gem needed someone, so there was no time to be weak!

Steven: "We'll play all the time!" Steven grit and bared his teeth, steam coming from his nostrils as the vines around he legs began to snap. "And when we're both sad we'll watch crying breakfast friends and cry together!"

Steven's face became wet, looking up he found Spinel crying, her face etched in pain and sadness. It caused a lump in his throat to form but he steeled himself.

Steven: "Tell me Spenel! Tell me you want a new best friend! To have fun! Play! To cry on!" He could feel it, it was becoming easier to deroot her.

Spinel was exploding in emotions. The embers that could be called loyalty to pink diamond were being consumed by Steven's determination to help her.

To...to free her.

Admitting this, she placed her arm over her eyes to hide her tear stained eyes. Six thousand years of locked up emotions began to crack.

Spinel: "I...I!

'Snap'

Steven: "C'mon! I won't let you be alone any longer! Super Steven, Activate!" He could feel her begin to lift, sweat pouring down his face. What on earth was the plants made of??

'Snap'

Spinel: "I...I...Steven, I want..." Spinel sobbed, the damn of emotions finally flooding out. She WANTED warmth. She WANTED to laugh and have fun!. "I want a NEW BEST FRIEND!"

'Pop'

The best way to describe it was flying. After pulling her out of with one last tug, Spinel and Steven went air born. Limbs flailed and some cries. The two landed in some dirty grass. Steven could have sworn his landing shouldn't have been this soft.

Looking up he realized his landed with himself in Spinels arms. She was sporting the wobblyest smile with large tears streaming from her eyes. Steven could only giggle and he wiped her tears away.

Steven: "Hey there...best friend."

Spinel: "Hey back, bestie."

What was silence at first, became a giggle fest between the two. Soon it turned into full blow laughter. Spinel stood and moved for the first time in six thousand years with steven still in her arms. She clumsily stepped about, the two laughing even louder now.

Overwhelming joy crashed into her, she spun, flinging steven high in the air. Crouching low Spinel became puddy, only to shoot and rocket herself into the air, catching the laughing child mid air, the two sailing through the garden.

She was free.

[strawberryspeachy]

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.