#i have a problem with this quote

[krysmcscience]

Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:

The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.

Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.

It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.

Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. 🙄

Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.

also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh

⬇️ More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmao⬇️

Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D

Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.

Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:

'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.

you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH

And, finally:

lmao this is shit

True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.

Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD

Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D

Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)

[olive-otterton]

I honestly kinda hate those quotes that are like "If you can't love me at my worst, don't reach out when I'm at best"

It's hard to define what someone's 'worst' is. If this is referring to when someone's really depressed then I fully agree, but if someone's worst is hurting others then fuck that.

Just because the high points are really good, doesn't justify or rectify the low points if they left scars

idk i'm just tired of seeing that quote

[moondustinfj]

[hedgehog-moss]

hi! i’ve been following you for years, silently in awe of the bright & fulfilling life you’ve built for yourself, and wishing that i could do the same. in between all the charming stories about pandolf & pampe & pirlouit i’ve been noting all your experiences with fence building and foraging and whatnot, in the hopes of putting them to use one day. and that day is today !! today i head out to spend the first night at my little cabin, a long-abandoned seter from the late 19th century, so right now life will be very much like camping with a roof. a lot of work to be done, and it will be a while before i can support animal friends in addition to myself, but i just wanted to say thank you for sharing your life with us! it’s been an invaluable resource + source of inspiration for me :))

Oh that's amazing!! I'm so happy for you 😊 I wish I could send you a housewarming gift (might I interest you in a gremlin cup?)

Your "camping with a roof" comment reminds me of my first spring & summer here, when there was nothing in my kitchen except a table with a small backpacking stove and I had no means of heating the house so I made a fire in the wood oven at night and had to compete with the cats to sit in the 1 square metre of warmth right next to it. They're good memories too, so I hope you enjoy these early days of getting to know your home and working on it <3

I wish you all the best, and especially that you get to feel the "brooding sense of peace and of possession" described by Kenneth Grahame in this quote about a dream home:

First, there would be a sense of snugness, of cushioned comfort, of home-coming. Next, a gradual awakening to consciousness in a certain little room, very dear and familiar [...]: solitary, the world walled out, but full of a brooding sense of peace and of possession. [...] I was there already, ensconced in the most comfortable chair in the world, the lamp lit, the fire glowing ruddily. [A]lways the same feeling of a home-coming, of the world shut out, of the ideal encasement. On the shelves were a few books—a very few—but just the editions I had sighed for […]. On the walls were a print or two, a woodcut, an etching—not many. […] All was modest [...] but all was my very own, and, what was more, everything in that room was exactly right.

[ratcandy]

had a conversation with my mom and now i'm curious

If unsure, go grab yourself a pencil and compare to these examples:

"Correct" ways to hold a pencil:

(if you didn't know there were names for these, yea I had no idea either until I started looking stuff up lmao)

"Wrong" ways to hold a pencil:

I'm mostly curious as someone who has always held her pencil wrong. No matter what teachers/my mom ever did to try and teach me (pencil grips, elastic bands, etc) it just never worked. I wanna know how universal this experience is hdKJH

(rb for sample size, etc etc, the usual)

[elemental-plane]

i was struck with a vision

[luna-loveboop]

Currently obsessed with the idea that the boys go to Time for love advice, since "he's married so he knows this stuff right?"

I mean they couldn't recognize a wedding ring??? And neither did he???

And time was saying this in his youth I mean cmon

Twilight: So ancestor. What would you do if like. Malon left to another world and never came back

Time: ... bro Malon called me fairy boy and then we were married like what

Hyrule: So uhh old man. How does one. Meet a girl.

Time: By speaking to her I guess? Or not, Malon did the talking for me

Hyrule: riiiiight...

Wild *no tact*: Hey so like... what if your redheaded wife who's name started with M died.

Time: what?!?!

Wild, undeterred: but like before she proposed.

Time: ...

Wild: and you don't remember if you would have said yes. What's your advice for dealing with that?

Time: ... vent to a fairy?

Warriors: hey old man

Time: no no no not this one asking me please

Warriors: how do I get women to stop coming after me. So I can ya know. Choose without war trying to force me into relationships

Time: I can safely say I've never had that problem captain

Wars: of course not *smirks*

Wars: ok but seriously how do I make them go away

Time: ... wear a wedding ring so they think you're taken, I've got a shiny extra

Time: no no why- they won't stop, I don't know how to do love!

Time: ok well at least I have legend. That kid would never ask for advice, I'll sit by him.

Legend: so old man.

Time, looking forward to a normal conversation: yeah?

Legend: hypothetically, what would you do if you found out Malon didn't exist.

Legend: And her whole world didn't, but it did, and now it doesn't

Time: ...Excuse me for a minute.

Time, writing a letter as fast as he can: MALON HOW DO I GIVE LOVE ADVICE THEY THINK IM WISE

Malon: lol

Happy Valentine's Day guys, have a headcanon :P

The boys go to Time for love advice and Time spouts whatever wise-sounding bs he can, before shoving them all on Malon for therapy when they visit the ranch

Art and comic by Jojo @linkeduniverse! :D

[marionluth]

Tony coaching 3-yo-Morgan how to handle her big feelings after a tantrum, while Peter watches.

Tony: It’s okay to feel angry, Morgan. We all feel angry sometimes. But do we smash our water bottles on the item or person that made us angry? No, we don’t! Now, remember how we spoke about blowing out our finger-candles when we feel mad to help us feel calmer?

Morgan: Daddy, that’s stupid

Harley: Yo, tell him, girl. We're not blowing out finger-candles when we're angry. We flip off fingers!

Tony: * death glare at Harley before turning back to Morgan *

Baby, we don't say stupid! Stupid is a Harley word. Can you think of a mommy word to use instead?

Morgan: *scrunching up her nose in thought* The one mommy uses when you and Petey and Harley make something essplode in the lab…

Harley:

Tony:

Peter:

Morgan: Uhm… Mo… Mormonic!

Peter: *snickers*

Harley: * spurts out his red bull laughing *

Tony: *fighting to keep a straight face* “I think it’s Bluey time!”

Morgan: Yaaaay! Bluey!

Peter: I think you handled that very well!

Tony: And I think you’ll end up on manual dishwashing duty, if you don’t fix your face!

Peter: Nuh, I gotta go. Take it out on Harley.

Harley: *flips Peter off, still coughing*

Tony: I'm too old for this sh...poo.

Peter: See you later. And don’t let the kid’s brain entirely melt with the blue horror show. You know it only gives her torture ideas!

Tony: Beat it, webhead!

Harley: *still coughing up his lungs*

Tony: * to Morgan, sitting next to her to watch Bluey * What is your brother talking about, nano-hulk? Bluey rocks!

Morgan: * evil toothy grin * I wanna play mount mumanddad!

Harley: Yaaaay!

Tony: * whimpers *

[sneaky-eel]

Desmond let this man murder for you!

[dayque]

Magnus: What happened to my cute baby? Do you remember when I could hold him and he would ask me to read him stories every night?

Izzy: He once burned down the greenhouse.

Simon: Helped Kit steal the silver weapons to sell it on the shadow market in exchange for Xbox video games.

Clary: He broke all my cell phones trying to figure out how they worked.

Alec: He sold his brother's milk horns in the shadow market. It took us 3 years and 10 thousand dollars to recover them.

Jace: He disorganized the library's over 5,000 books into unbreakable code just to annoy me. By him self. IN ONE NIGHT.

Ragnor: He stole my spell books and, I have no idea how, translated them and posted them on every social media site known to the shadow world.

Magnus: My clever little baby, at least you have to give him credit for being persistent.

[correct-hermitcraft-quotes]

Doc: Yeah, and I have this other small problem, Pearl, like in my dark oak tree farm, I realised my llama sits one pixel too low and it would require half a rebuild. Maybe you can-

*cuts himself off with a laugh as Pearl walks away with her head hung*

Pearl, pained: I am dying.

[bloomdoom1]

I wonder what I look like in your eyes

[winnie-the-monster]

“I didn’t think you were a particularly religious person,” she said.

“I’m not.” He waited for her to react, the added, “I intend to pray for you.”

She swallowed uncontrollably. “Me?” She squeaked.

“Because,” he began, unable to prevent his voice from rising in volume, “by the time I’m done, prayer is the only thing that is going to save you!”

[irrationalgame]

Hux x @shitpostsampler 1/2

[poorlittleyaoyao]

"If I know this, know all the world besides, That part of tyranny that I do bear, I can shake off at pleasure."

-Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene 3 (for the Qin Su Week prompt "Knife")

[youatemylollipop]

Mikey: You make it sound like I have some serious issues.

Y/N: You make it sound like you don’t.