#i have a hard time disconnecting myself from reality

[planet-dusk]

So like—I’m a pretty large gworl.

I saw a clip of Channie dead lifting 350 lbs and it got me feeling LIGHTHEADED.

I just imagine him and Binnie lifting and doing some WORK.

Who else you think may like some more plush? I know with the standards it may be hard to say but I think some of them have to be 👉🏻👈🏻 (maybe that’s my delulu pills talking)

I love your works 🥺😖

i can't say anything on their irl preferences obvs bc i don't know them... and everything i write on here is fantasy. i'm not interested in what body type or personality or gender (or anything else) they'd prefer in real life.

i'd like to think none of them would care about someone's size,, but they're men working in an industry that isn't kind towards anyone who doesn't fit into south korea's strict beauty standard. from what they've shown us though,, changbin seems to have the healthiest relationship with his own body. and we know how strong he is and how much he loves to show it off <33

[neverendingford]

.

[comicaurora]

So uhh. If you feel like talking about it. As someone who lives in the US, how are you being kind to yourself on this upsetting morning <3

Checked in with my loved ones first and foremost.

It's interesting. The vibe I've been getting from my circle is very different from 2016. Much less… dread and horror at a realignment of the understanding of what can and can't happen here, now, in this place and day and age. More "fuck, guys. again? whatever. enjoy your consequences, maybe you'll manage to learn something this time."

Frustration and anger is not the most positive feeling, or even the most fair one to express, but it is a protective one. It hurts a lot less than most alternatives.

And it's quite a shift. It was earthshattering back then. How could this have been allowed to happen? Why couldn't it be stopped? Why couldn't we stop it? Why couldn't I stop it? Why couldn't everyone see what this meant? Why couldn't I make them understand? Did they really not care? What did that mean about humanity as a whole? Were we so thoughtless? How could anyone be trusted?

It seems… much less earthshattering to see it happen twice. Disappointing, sure. Frustrating. But nowhere near as devastating as the first time I saw it unfold. We already knew it could happen. I've already had time to digest the implications. Now I'm just freshly disappointed.

It also feels less indicative of Crushing Truths Of Reality this time. We've seen shit get bad. We've also seen shit get better from here! We know both outcomes are possible, even inevitable. We know hoping for a better future is always worthwhile. This isn't the apocalypse. It's an unremarkably bad turn of events brought on by unremarkably self-centered well-documented human impulses. It's utterly mundane in its unpleasantness. It doesn't need to be dignified with despair.

A democratic election, no matter the outcome or the side we're on, makes us all acutely aware of how outnumbered we are by people whose worldviews and priorities are demonstrably incomprehensible to us. And the first time you get outnumbered, it's a shock. Defeat is haunting. It didn't matter how badly you wanted it; by the very function of democracy, you do not have the power to override greater numbers. (insert electoral college caveat here)

The second time through, I find myself focusing on a different facet that has dramatically reduced the amount of spiralling I'm doing. I don't expect this to work for everyone, but for me specifically, it helped to crystallize a few thoughts:

You don't have the power to control anyone else. You don't. You can't share your worldview and your revelations with them. You can't make them think or understand anything. You can lay it all out for them, but you can't make them listen, and you can't make it click. A mentor can't make their student learn a lesson; that's why teaching is so complicated and hard. An active choice must be made by the person to enable themselves to understand, and they must put the pieces together in their own mind before it makes sense to them, and the pieces must have been presented in a way that makes sense to them in the first place. Lead a horse to water, can't make them drink.

These elections highlight a disconnect in what different groups of people care about; and no matter how clearly you explain yourself or how passionately you perform, caring cannot be forced on someone. Understanding and connection cannot be forced. You cannot make anything or anyone matter to someone. They have to choose to see how it matters in order to internalize it. If they choose not to, that is not your failing. You couldn't have made them do it by just Explaining Better. They are not your responsibility. They make their own choices. You can't reach inside their head and connect the dots for them.

I'm a storyteller. I make stories and put them out into the world. I hope people get something good out of them, but I have no control over what that something is. I want people to be thoughtful and kind and compassionate and hopeful and see themselves reflected in stranges, no matter their differences. I can craft stories that I hope encourage this. But that is the extent of my ability and the extent of my responsibility. I control no-one's actions but my own, and so while I am not having the best day, I am at least content that I am doing what I can, and I am not shattering myself against impossibilities trying to control the things I can't.

Sometimes, people make decisions that I think are really bad. I can't make that not happen. All I can do is try to make decisions that will result in things I think are good. Today, that means checking in on people, and not assigning too much dramatic narrative weight to an ultimately mundane set of unremarkable bad decisions outside of my control. We'll take life as it comes and help each other out when and how we can. Everything else is out of our hands.

[distortedidentity]

How I forced myself to dissociate, a guide for trans/severiDissociative beings

For me, dissociation has always come in "levels." I think, if I hadn't set things up in the order I did, it would be hard for me to dissociate the way I do now. I want to walk you through those levels, and offer some insight as someone who's been dissociating for 4+ years at the time of writing. Of course, everything on this list will be much easier for you if you're chronologically younger (neuroplasticity), and/or under persistent stress. Though, neither of those things are strictly necessary

For @kenochoricgardens. Supreme yapping below the cut

Derealisation

The first layer is derealisation. For me, the easiest thing to do was always detaching from the world around me. Derealisation is the experience of dissociating from your surroundings. I think it's a good jumping off point. The key to achieving derealisation is looking at how cis beings experience derealisation, and trying to "convince" yourself that you are also experiencing it

Cis beings tend to have a foggy perception of their environment while derealising. Some things I see frequently reported are a slowing/warping of time, muffled/distorted audio, and hazy or "far away" visuals. Some beings say their perception of size and depth skews, others say they feel as if in a "dream" or as if experiencing fiction rather than reality

Of course these are all more metaphors than real physical experiences. It isn't hallucinating, these examples are just meant to illustrate how your perception distorts. Even while derealising, beings are aware that what they're experiencing is a matter of perception, even if they're confused by what is real or fake in the moment

The easiest way I found to convince myself to derealise was by repeating affirmations. I know it sounds corny, but it is an easy way to will your brain into tricking itself. When I first started out, I repeated phrases such as "I am dissociating, this is really it, I'm detaching from my surroundings, what is real?" etc. For me it helped to really lay on that feeling of confusion. While you might not experience genuine derealisation the first time, it's the kind of thing you have to do every so often for it to actually kick in

Depersonalisation

Depersonalisation is the experience of dissociating away from yourself. Your sense of being, your own body, your emotions/thoughts, and even your memories. Cis beings tend to report a disconnect from their body when they look down, or an inability/difficulty to recognise their face in the mirror. They may experience their thoughts, emotions, and/or memories to be much harder to reach than usual, or separate from/"foreign" to them. They may feel numb towards pain, or unable to process it in the way they normally would. Cis beings tend to describe it as perceiving their own experiences from an outsiders point of view

Again, be sure to pull out those affirmations and keep in mind that this is all metaphorical. Some of my affirmations when I was starting out were "who am I? Who's body is this? I can't quite recall what I was thinking.. Are these memories mine?" and similar. I'd also recommend trying to "forget" the fact that you exist. Try to detach from your thoughts and your ability to discern that you are thinking. Try to lose track of your identity perception

Despite the fact that you should really try to layer most of these steps slowly, I do actually think you would benefit from doubling depersonalisation up with derealisation (unless you really only want one or the other). I'd wait until you have a bit more experience with the latter, though. Dp without dr is like a girl without a joystick an angel without it's wings /ref. In my opinion tag teaming your lack of dissociation is an effective way to alleviate it

Dissociative Amnesia

Level 3, dissociative amnesia. Dissociative amnesia is fairly self explanatory. Dissociation based amnesia. It usually happens in order to protect the brain from a harmful event/period. You don't really need steps 1&2 to get here, but it certainly helps.

Dissociative amnesia comes in many different forms. You may not be able to remember specific events, you may not be able to remember larger periods of time. You may even find yourself losing significant memory on the daily if you struggle with persistent stress. It also comes in different intensities. Some beings experience a total wiping of the memory/memories, whereas some beings can retrieve their memories with some effort

Choosing to induce dissociative amnesia is difficult, because it's so context specific. Unlike dp/dr it's not something you can repeat affirmations to whenever. Even if you don't have any particularly negative memories, you could still pick a certain memory/time period and refuse to think about it. Though I will say it's most effective when used as a coping mechanism to avoid bad things, as is any form of dissociation

If you do find yourself remembering, you could berate yourself for it. This was most helpful to me, because it gave my brain something negative to associate with the targeted memories. If you're not looking for a negative experience with dissociation, this might not be the best step for you though

Fragmentation

The final boss of voluntary dissociation, identity fragmentation. I don't really understand this as well as other forms of dissociation, but it describes the breaking down of identity into "parts". CDD systems are famous for it, but people with BPD and singlets with (C)PTSD also experience it to lesser degrees.

In systems, parts tends to look more or less like separate consciousnesses/people with their own wants, needs, and opinions. I'm less educated on BPD and PTSD, but it is my understanding that while fragmented, the parts are more facets of the being they belong to, rather than separate consciousnesses.

While I am fragmented, my fragmentation isn't at the level of cisplurality. I was able to achieve this after a year or so of practicing derealisation, depersonalisation, and dissociative amnesia + repressing aspects of myself. I understand that this seems like a very lengthy process, but I hope that your transition can be quicker with your intention, as mine was accidental.

I started by cutting off parts of myself. I convinced myself that they weren't real, that I wasn't really like that, etc. You could do the same. You could also berate yourself for displaying traits of the part you're looking to dissociate from, though again, this isn't strictly necessary if you're looking to have a non-negative relationship with dissociation. Something that will dramatically increase dissociation between your parts is thinking of them less as "parts", and more as psychological objects separate from you. Or, if you're aiming for plurality, assigning them a completely different identity

Final thoughts

In conclusion, affirm constantly. All brains are capable of dissociation to some degree if placed in the right conditions. I understand how slow and tedious transitioning can be, but over time you will begin to notice changes. If it helps, fake it till you make it, even to yourself. Pretending is another form of affirmation. My biggest piece of advice is to use these tips as coping mechanisms. That's typically what dissociation is. I hope this is useful for you. Good luck with your transition!

[charmedreincarnation]

I’m kind of in a similar situation to your college indecisiveness post bc I want to shift but never have the time cuz all this studying. I’m really hating life rn. I’ve tried shifting a few times and managed to detach my awareness from this reality for a few minutes at a time, so i know what works for me, but I never have time to do it. I feel kind of drained that I could be achieving so much but I’m stuck not even having the time cuz I’m not smart enough to get done with all this HW fast enough

TLDR how do I be cool like you and too smart for school to be a big concern? Do I just say f**k it and do a shifting attempt when I’m supposed to be studying?

This was such a sweet ask 😭😭💖 I'm overwhelmed by the sweetness of your words, and I assure you, I'm far from being as cool as you think. In fact, I found myself facing the very same dilemma in the past! Now, I'm not sure if you're looking for some wisdom from Loa or valuable studying tips, so ill share a little bit of both? Also college-related questions/asks have been pouring in lately, so I've decided to address them all right here. I should probably just make it a post but I’ll use this ask as a reference.

Pre law perspective:

So my senior year, was when I really started my journey. It was during this time that I learned about shifting and manifesting (kind of law of attraction) so I naturally attempted everyday and had my focus to that. However, I basically spiraled into burnout and indifference towards school. Tbh It's still a mystery to me how I managed to do fine in school when I basically stopped attending classes mentally and barely did my work.

I've always had ADHD, anxiety, and procrastination issues throughout my high school years, But senior year took it to a whole new level. The boredom and disconnection from my studies were unbearable. I went through the motions, completing my homework, but for classes I didn't enjoy, I mindlessly attended without caring or understanding the material. It was a year filled with academic mediocrity, and certain subjects like AP Calculus and AP Biology, which I didn't even need for my future plans, were absolute torture.

And at the time I didn’t even fully understand what shifting was, But I clung to the notion that school no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. Looking back, I realize it was a detrimental mentality to have for my well being. If there's one piece of advice I can offer, it's this - find a balance. Avoid burning yourself out completely, but don't neglect your mental well-being either. You are still here, whether you're shifting or not, whether you’re god or not, and whether you're actively manifesting or not. Diving deeper into a negative mental well will not benefit you in any way. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

As my burnout intensified, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be alive in this boring ass reality. It became so severe that I almost didn't apply to college. My entire focus was consumed by shifting, and I simply didn't care about anything else. It was my friends who came to my rescue, pushing me to apply and offering unwavering support. Without their guidance and nurturing, I honestly don't know where I would be today.

Eventually, I grew tired of being tired. I began diving into my subliminal journey, creating playlists that combined affirmations for school,success, and luck. I learned the importance of dividing my time wisely. During the second semester, I continued this approach, focusing on school-related practices during the day and dedicating my evenings to shifting attempts.

Affirmations and scripting became the root of my routine too. Miraculously, my grades improved, even when I skipped classes for an entire month or neglected to read the lectures.

I was able to graduate high school with honors, which in itself proves that success or whatever isn’t even just about being naturally "good at school." I worked smarter, not harder and knowing about manifesting really helped with that!

So I really advice you to find a balance in your journey. Don't pour all your energy into just school or just manifesting. Embrace the plethora of easy methods available - scripting, subliminals, binaural beats - and integrate them into your study routine. Make it work in your favor. Treat shifting like a cherished hobby, something that complements your academic pursuits rather than overshadowing them.

Also, set realistic standards for yourself. In high school, I used to obsess over achieving straight A's, disregarding any grade below perfection. Looking back, I realize how misplaced my priorities were. As long as you maintain a mix of A's, B's, and even a few C's, you'll be absolutely fine. Set a goal of achieving a GPA of 3.0 or whatever scale your institution uses, and celebrate every success along the way.

Loa perspective

Ok, now let's talk about the power of the Law of Assumption!

Now that I'm in a place where I give only about 20% of my time and effort to school and still do very well, I can help and reflect on my journey properly. Back in high school, like said I struggled with anxiety and ADHD, and I thought these challenges would hold me back.

Test-taking, deadlines, remembering information it all seemed overwhelming. But you know what helped me? Subliminals.

Listening to subliminals for intelligence and confidence made a significant difference in my life. They boosted my abilities and gave me the belief that I could excel academically. And that belief was everything.

As you probably know the Law of Assumption states that whatever we expect and assume to be true will become our reality. So, I decided to apply this principle to my studies. I assumed that I was capable of achieving great grades with ease. I assumed that school life would be manageable, and I would continuously improve my skills throughout the semester. I always visualized seeing As, revised my past grades, teacher giving me the grade I know I deserve no matter what.

And guess what? It worked! My mindset shifted towards greater productivity, and I started using my time more efficiently. As a result, my grades improved, and I had more time to focus on the things I genuinely enjoyed. It was a game-changer, and it accounted for about 70% of my success. Just imagine that - simply switching my mindset and accepting the positive results from my previous subliminal experiences.

I understand that college can be more stressful and demanding than high school. But it's still the same principle at play. You don't have to drastically change your study habits if you don't want to. Instead, use general resources during the day to aid your studying. And while you're at it, listen to subliminals that align with your goals. Instead of imagining and affirming to yourself that you're a failure and worrying about all the things that could go wrong, shift your focus. Imagine the grade you want, affirm and visualize that no matter what happens on your test, you'll still pass the class with flying colors. Remember, it's just one test, one assignment, and there are so many more opportunities ahead.

General school tips

* Stop checking your grades every day. Seriously, it's only stressing you out. Grades can fluctuate randomly, especially in college (and honestly, even in high school). Instead of obsessing over the numbers, focus on staying on top of your assignments. Keep up with your work, put in your best effort, and trust that alone will reflect in your grades.

* Say no to all-nighters. Trust me, reading the same material for 12 hours straight won't magically make you understand it. If something isn't clicking, it's probably an internal issue. There's no need to spend an entire night alone trying to grasp a single concept. Look for alternative resources like recap lessons on YouTube or seek help from a tutor or classmate. Remember, it's okay to acknowledge what doesn't come naturally to you and instead focus on your strengths.

* Realistically, doing your homework and attending class means you're probably not failing. Even if you're not getting the grade you want, it doesn't mean you're headed for failure. Those big tests that carry a significant weight in your grade may impact your GPA, but they don't define the trajectory of your life. Take a moment to reflect on all the times you thought a single grade would ruin everything, yet here you are, still alive and thriving. You've been through challenges before, and you're stronger than you think. Breathe, remind yourself that you're not alone in these thoughts and stresses, and keep pushing forward.

* Make friends and join class group chats. Trust me, these connections are gold. Joining group chats on platforms like GroupMe or Snapchat allows you to ask questions, collaborate on study guides, and realize that you're not alone in this journey. Even if they're not your closest friends, having a support system within your classes can make all the difference.

* Use EFT tapping for anxiety, especially before tests. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping is not only useful for Law purposes, but it can also work wonders for managing anxiety. Check out my pinned guide on how to use EFT tapping. It has personally helped me immensely, and I hope it does the same for you.

* Work smarter, not harder. The truth is, those who seem to breeze through school while partying every night still manage to graduate and pass just like everyone else. The key is finding shortcuts, utilizing the vast resources available on the internet, and working smarter, not harder. Embrace technology, explore online study tools, and leverage the power of the internet as your greatest friend in this journey.

Here are some free recourses:

Math and Science

1. MathMagic Lite: This app lets you write any mathematical expressions and various scientific symbols easily

2. Equatio: A powerful equation editor that makes it easy to create digital, accessible maths

3. Microsoft Mathematics: Can be used to write mathematical expressions, solve equations, and plot graphs

4. Desmos Scientific Calculator & Graphing Calculator: Utility apps for students and teachers for calculations and graph plotting

5. WolframAlpha: A computational search engine that can solve a wide variety of problems, especially useful for math and science

Article/Video Summarization

6. Smmry: A website that summarizes articles for you

7. TLDR This: A browser extension for quick article summarization

8. Inshorts: An app providing news in 60 words or less

9. Listenable: Converts articles into short audio files

Note-Taking

10. Evernote: A note-taking app where you can jot down thoughts, save things you find online, and even scan physical documents with your phone's camera

11. Microsoft OneNote: Allows for free-form information gathering and multi-user collaboration

12. Notion: An all-in-one workspace where you can write, plan, collaborate, and get organized

Concept Explanation

13. Khan Academy: Offers practice exercises, instructional videos, and a personalized learning dashboard that empower learners to study at their own pace in and outside of the classroom

14. Coursera: Provides universal access to the world’s best education, partnering with top universities and organizations to offer courses online

15. Complexly: A YouTube channel that produces a variety of educational content, including the series Crash Course which covers many different subjects in depth

16. citation machine: you never have to make source citations by yourself. This gives your both in test and citations for your essays and research.

Lastly I’m gonna put all the free resources most colleges offer for free!

Academic Resources

* Online Study Platforms: Websites such as Khan Academy, Coursera, and edX offer free or low-cost courses on a variety of subjects that can supplement your coursework.

* Academic Advising Centers: Most colleges have an academic advising center where students can get guidance on course selection, degree requirements, and academic planning.

* Writing Centers: Writing centers provide assistance with writing assignments, including proofreading, editing, and helping with citations.

* Library Research Databases: Your college library likely subscribes to a number of research databases (like JSTOR, EBSCO, and ProQuest) that can provide access to academic journals, books, and other resources.

2. Career Resources

* Career Centers: These centers offer career counseling, resume reviews, interview preparation, and job search assistance.

* Internship and Co-op Programs: Many colleges have programs that help students find internships or co-op positions in their field of interest.

* LinkedIn Learning: This platform offers courses on a variety of career-related topics, including networking, resume writing, and job interviewing.

3. Mental Health and Wellness Resources

* Counseling Centers: Most colleges offer free or low-cost mental health services to students, including individual therapy, group sessions, and workshops.

* Fitness Centers: Regular exercise is important for both physical and mental health. Most colleges have fitness centers that offer a variety of workout options.

* Mindfulness and Meditation Apps: Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided meditations that can help reduce stress and improve mental health.

4. Financial Aid Resources

* Financial Aid Office: Your college's financial aid office can provide information on scholarships, grants, work-study opportunities, and student loans.

* FAFSA: The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is the key to accessing federal financial aid, including grants, work-https://www.tumblr.com/charmedreincarnation/712878654521262080/everything-eft-tapping?source=share funds, and loans.

* Scholarship Search Engines: Websites like Fastweb and Scholarships.com can help you find scholarships that you may be eligible for.

Other questions I got

Q: How did you manifest graduating early?

A: Graduating early was always a desire deep within me. I didn't realize it was on track to manifest until I had a meeting with my advisor. Interestingly, when I found out it was happening, I wasn't as ecstatic as I thought I would be. It made me realize that desires can change as we grow and evolve. So, if something you once desired doesn't bring you the same joy anymore, it's perfectly okay. Life is all about evolving and embracing new desires.

Q: What affirmations do you use?

A: Since I had a multitude of desires in various aspects of my life, I found it tiring to have a separate affirmation for each one. So, I opted for general affirmations that encompassed all areas of my life. For example, I would affirm statements like "I am the luckiest person alive," "Everything works out my way," and "I always get my desires." These affirmations can be applied to all aspects of life, including school. The key is to find affirmations that resonate with you and create a positive mindset.

Q: How do you manage the law/shifting and school?

A: As I mentioned earlier, integration is the key! You don't have to view manifestation or shifting as something separate from your school life. Instead, incorporate these practices seamlessly into your daily routine. The goal is to make it a part of your lifestyle without feeling like it's an extra burden or sacrifice. For example, if a certain method, like wbtb lucid dreaming, is disrupting your sleep schedule, consider switching to other methods like subliminals or reality checks. You can still set intentions before going to bed, which will be effective without compromising your sleep. Find what works best for you and strike a balance between school, manifestation, and your mental health

Q: What to do if affirmations don’t work:

A:maybe you don’t think with words. I’m more of a visual person and will always believe and like images more than words. I would just imagine my grades always being an A. No matter what, no matter if I failed a test or forgot to submit a homework even if I failed everything I still got an A! If you don’t like to visualize then change your wording to how you naturally speak. Maybe you don’t even like affirmations, it’s really different for everyone.

Q:I don’t want to go to this college but I still have to apply, is that affecting living in the end:

A: nope I don’t think taking action or not taking action affects anything If you’re living in the end. Just because you apply doesn’t mean you’ll get in simply because you took the action. Do what you have to do it doesn’t matter if you’re living your 3D life but know imagination is your true reality. If you’re a billionaire and sleep in a homeless shelter that doesn’t take away from the fact you’re a billionaire. Who knows why you’re at a homeless shelter and who knows why you’re applying for college. It doesn’t dictate anything.

Q:I needed to get into the void before college but now I’m here without my dream life and I hate it. What do I do:

A: well it’s happened so take a deep breath. You can still master the void, in fact you already have you’re just being silly and want a funny humbling story. There is no better time than now to be delulu. When you’re trying to escape something and it passes accept it and make it your bitch tbh. honestly keeping busy definitely helped me in my journey anyways, but I did provide tips above so you have free time because you shouldn’t just be immersed in school. For example when I was poor, it was because I needed a humbling back story because no one likes people born into wealth. I’m assuming you still want to be in college, and yea, it’s just cool to have started from the bottom before you become that It girl. That’s your choice and your truth but now you’re done with being humble so go tap into the void.

Q: what’s your perspective on manifesting a perfect life. like nothing bad ever happens but also having a good life with just minor challenges (nothing too big) and I don’t wanna normalize suffering bc who wants to suffer?

A: ok this had a school ask but that was just the gist of it. anyways not that my opinion matters first and foremost. But I think that’s great. Who wants to suffer… exactly. You know I like being human, but I did not like my human experience before Loa. I do like challenges, I like growth, I like not being perfect, and I like being happy and getting what I want too! you can still have all those human aspects and manifest everything you desire. Mary Sues do don’t exist because humanity exists. Don’t worry about it. Your life won’t feel stagnant or unreal or something, I promise

Ok sorry this came out longer than I expected but I had a lot to say. I hope that answers all the asks I’ve been getting ! You all got this, college, your manifesting journey, your anxiety, all of it. All of your dreams & desires are within your reach (right in front of you !!!) so go for it and still live your best life <3!

[becausesomething]

The farewell letter (zoro x reader)

Summary:

"You are my undoing! You taught me to love, to feel a happiness that cannot fit in my chest, to feel special and unique.

And now it's time for this love to teach us how to endure longing, not to lose hope.

Our destinies will meet again."

warning: nsfw, rough and carnal sex, established relationship

I needed to immortalize what I wouldn't have been able to say without the tears falling, without going against the oath that I had a way of saying goodbye to the love of my life.

Sitting in the aquarium watching what Ussop, Luffy and Chopper had caught, I got lost in my thoughts and disconnected from reality. Fortunately, everyone had already gone to their rooms, I stayed behind with the excuse of tidying up the space and having my schedule changed due to having spent the last few nights on watch.

When I couldn't sleep, that's where I escaped. It gave me a feeling of calm and hope. My body was charged with adrenaline, my mind was racing with emotions and my soul was processing and preparing itself.

I take the notebook that I always had with me and start writing. When I finish, I wipe my tears and go breathe the night air. The moon was full, which soothed my soul, reassuring me that this was my destiny, and my heart was slowly holding on to all the memories I had spent at the Thousand Sunny.

I opened the bedroom door and he was facing away. He had just taken a shower, the drops of water ran down his muscular body, making him even more desirable, as if that were still possible. He was a dream materialized on earth.

When he notices my presence he smiles slightly and comes over to me giving me a soft kiss. Before he escapes, I grab his hair and kiss him intensely. Our tongues were involved in seconds, the desire we felt never diminished, it only increased with each time we gave ourselves to each other.

He takes off the dress he was wearing, to be surprised that I'm not wearing anything underneath. The game of provoking him and seeing his reaction to trying to maintain his posture was something I couldn't resist. In seconds his posture transformed into wanting me carnally, with a look and a preserved smile that immediately left me dripping with lust.

The towel he had wrapped around his hip, which gave even more emphasis to that v, fell to the floor and the member didn't hide its hardness. We both wanted to become one. I push him onto the bed and then sit on top of him. I feel every inch filling me, while our gazes are concentrated and lost in each other's immensity. I pull myself towards him, running my nails down his torso and kissing his neck. Without mercy he grabs my hips and makes me go even deeper and my breathing starts to become laboured.

I want to feel it, deeper, stronger. The movements become rhythmic and deep, while our kisses leave us almost breathless.

He pats my ass and with the other hand he travels down my body, kissing and feeling my breasts, until he reaches my neck and gives the right pressure, making me whisper his name.

Rolling over me, it goes even deeper, and it's impossible to control that scream of feeling filled. The pace only increases, my nails are digging into my torso and arms. While he didn't slow down, he grabbed my breast and with the other hand masturbated my clitoris, which was asking for attention because it was so hard. Precise movements, screams and waves of orgasms invade my body.

Without mercy, he makes me get on all fours, with my ass sticking up. It was impossible not to provoke him in that position that made me feel so carnal and completely at his disposal. His hands wandered over my vulva, so wet it was dripping, and he made a point of teasing me with such simple movements on my clitoris that made me tremble with the wave of adrenaline that was still coursing through my body. He fills me again, now anally, making me roll my eyes with pleasure. Those centimeter's that were coming in and gradually increasing in rhythm, left me in a state of extraordinary ecstasy. Looking over the corner of my shoulder, I see the sadist's face and how carnal he is too.

With our bodies already sweaty and without slowing down, I feel him growing even more inside me. He pulls me against his torso and whispers something to me that I can't understand but I easily imagine what it is by going straight to my clitoris and starting to stimulate it the way he was moving in and out of me. It didn't take much for both of us to reach the peak and contemplate that feeling of paradise on earth.

We fell onto the bed, covered in sweat and the lust that coursed through our bodies in waves. I fit into him, with my head on his chest and one hand resting on his heart. As I feel fingers navigating my body.

I sneak out of bed without being able to look at how peacefully he slept.

I take his white shirt and put it on and my clothes are scattered around the room. I go to the bathroom to get ready and put the letter in the red scarf that he sometimes liked to steal from me and use.

I caress his dishevelled hair and give him a light kiss on the lips, when I was about to get up he pulls me, making me curl up in his arms and whispers "I love you". I hold back the tears and smile, "I love you too, king of hell." Just as he woke up, he goes back to sleep.

I take a look at his serenity, at his muscular, scarred naked body, covered only by a sheet, and close the door behind me.

"

Love is a complicated feeling. It is a feeling that emanates hope over the world. It's such a strong and overwhelming emotion. It is capable of changing a person, and leaving marks for eternity.

You were winning me over with your mysterious side. Always keeping your distance, but allowing me to get closer. Little by little our companies got used to it. The few words exchanged became conversations late into the night during nights on watch (even if it wasn't one of ours).

Given your persistence, I started joining some training sessions. Maintaining the distance and the relationship exclusively as friendship was already complicated with the complicity that grew, and it kept me hostage to just keeping you company and needing to get some fresh air when I saw you with your bare torso.

Those memories alone make my blood boil. Feeling the excitement build up, wanting to feel your body, every inch. Give myself up so you could drive me crazy.

Your stubbornness was as much as the image of mystery you portrayed, and I was also weak in that regard. I started joining your workouts, with your help, feeling your skin on mine. Controlling breathing and saliva. Keeping my mind in the present and not letting it get carried away by thoughts of how I wanted you to fuck me, eat me, make me just yours at that moment, show me the hell you would become over me. I know the feeling was reciprocal, as soon as you realized how my body reacted, you couldn't resist provoking it, as far as I was able to maintain my sanity.

It was a game between us.

The little hints of putting your body closer to mine. A human weakness that I played out in public. Your arm broke the mysterious image. Little touches, teasing with double meaning, stealing you for a second and throwing it at you and whispering to you what he wanted you to do to me and disappearing in seconds.

It was exciting, it was the way we related. We both wanted to, but something always stopped us when our bodies were pressed together and we felt each other's breath.

Until the day when insomnia became unbearable, the aquarium environment was no longer sufficient. I knew it wasn't your night on watch, I went straight to your room and before I could knock on the door, I was surprised by you opening it. You pull me towards you, wrapping me in your arms and you tell me: "please I can't take it anymore, I need to have you". That night our bodies joined together as one. That desire that had been building up over weeks, erupted between moans and screams, to show me the brute strength that surpassed my fantasies. I engraved every part of you in my memory, because it was in that intimacy that you showed me the Roronoa Zolo that no one else had been able to conquer.

That night was magical. And from that night that became a day without us leaving the room, my desire was to stay by your side. The nights on watch that started with conversations and ended with our bodies begging for just one more orgasm, the breaks during missions where everyone purposely put us on the same team and we looked like two teenagers with hormones raging, between games and kisses that ended up letting me show that it could also be hell or heaven on earth.

You are my downfall! You taught me to love, to feel happiness that doesn't fit in my chest, to feel special and unique.

And now it's time for this love to teach us how to endure longing, not to lose hope.

Our destinies will meet again.

"

The time had come to separate myself from the companions I had come to call family, to separate myself from the person who made me love more than myself, and follow my dream.

Be the person who would tell the truth to the world and stop living behind the scenes.

Find the 2nd parte here:

The StrawHats' Recation

Find more stories here and here xoxo

english is not my first language, even thought I use it more than my native tongue. I try my best to adapt it 🫣

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think people on here really greatly under acknowledge and recognize the large impact / large trauma that comes from intergenerational trauma from colonization, systemic racism, and not-white America centered trauma. And I know that likely has to do with how massively white tumblr dot com is, but it really isn't until I was around my writing partner that has known me for more than half my life and talking with another peer with Chinese-Indonesian background did it really occur to me how intensely pervasive intergenerational trauma due to US involvement in SE Asia is and how it plays / impacts my life.

A lot of non-America centered trauma and abuse really doesn't fall into any of the real common ways people talk about abuse, neglect and trauma because a lot of that sort of trauma is way more complex and nuanced because a lot of the nature of HOW / WHY that abuse, neglect and trauma occurred is inherently tied a lot more into a history of community / collective trauma and abuse and the ways the individuals from those areas 1) had to survive and 2) the resources that they had available to work with and 3) the inability / difficulty for individuals who are transmitting that intergenerational trauma to realize that they are not in that situation anymore and thus not unintentionally recreate the environment / mindset / trauma for the kids going on

And I'm saying "inability / difficulty" in this case because while I agree that the rhetoric of "it doesn't matter if an abuser has trauma, they could have not continued it" is true in most cases, in my experience especially with my own intergenerational trauma, some people have systemically been stripped of basically any real resources or aid or opportunity or space to really "stop the cycle of abuse" and even at their obvious BEST attempts, they still end up in a position where they systemically really can't prevent it from passing on

It was a joke - a very real joke, but that is something I appreciate with my close friends because it reminds me to check my anxieties against reality - that I "act like I still am in Indonesia" (which for the record, I have never been in Indonesia, I'm the only one in my family that hasn't because I wasn't born when they were there) as a call back to when I was commentating on the complex and dynamic financial situation my family had growing up to which my friend told me "Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you had money or not if your dad constantly lived like he was still in Indonesia" which like... 100% true

And its honestly a really fucking hard thing to work through and overcome. Factually, ON MY OWN - ie not including my fiance who is ALSO in a similar situation on his own, I am financially pretty well off. Every month I make good savings and I have a pretty fat cushion in case things go bad, and so I very much CAN afford to buy myself a $6 fidget toy, but spending that $6 feels like fucking death itself a lot of the time.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel as if my financial situation is anything other than broke, not because of income or anything, but just because the factual amount of money I make isn't what controls if I feel financially comfortable / well off or not. I could probably have a half million in the bank and still be sweating about spending $6 on a fidget toy.

And honestly, I was watching 90 day fiance with my friends when I was traveling, and one of the dynamics (for those that know Ashley and Manuel) REALLY made it apparent how disconnected multi-generational Americans can be towards immigrant / immigrant families that have had to come to America for a chance at a better life. It's an experience - a trauma that a lot of people who are not an immigrant themselves or a first generation American to wrap their head around and fathom.

And honestly, I wish there was more talk about it. I wish there were more people with that history talking about it.

(I 'lowkey' start venting under here so Imma put it under the cut since it detracts somewhat from the point but its also worth stating)

I wish there were more people openly discussing how absolutely fucked it is that the US gets to come into countries, INTENTIONALLY fuck it up as a CONFIRMED and ADMITTED method to 'instill democracy / capitalism', and then the same people that from the same country that the US fucked over - for PURE survival - have to immigrate for a chance of living a life that is anything other than rough and a constant struggle.

Some people really wonder why it is that our system has such a foul taste in our mouth for America, I know some people think that because before fusing, >I< wondered why XIV was so deeply and intensely bitter about all things American, and I absolutely get it.

Indonesia was literally intentionally and systemically fucked over by the US Military. That fucking over resulting in immense trauma to my dad that not only immensely translated to me, but also made him EXTREMELY subservient in a "keep your head down, lick the boots of the most powerful person, and enjoy living under the boot of those in power because its the only way to have peace" which is something we - specifically XIV in the past - had internalized deeply which is why were were pretty far down the right wing path and why - when XIV looked at it closer and immediately saw past it - flipped to hard Anti-America values. Because its FUCKED that the US gets to come and ruin a country and then have the victims come and having the same victims "thankfully" licking the boots of the US for giving them a "better life".

Its honestly awful and literally no one talks about it and I know its not just Indonesia that has this. Its the fucking US's modus operandi and its fucking awful.

The US is a place you can come "to get a better life" largely because they fucking ruined most of the other places ability to have a good life.

[itsyagurlchip]

٠ ˚ ※ ๋࣭  ᯓ⚝ ⋆ .˚✰Funky Thoughts٠ ˚ ※ ๋࣭  ᯓ⚝ ⋆ .˚✰

✰⋆⁺warnings: cussing(!) polyamory(!) heavy angst(!) fluff/comfort(!) gn but masc reader(!) reader is tism and sheep coded (!) panic attack(!) uncontrollable suffocation(!) naked but not sexually (!)

✰⋆⁺Shhh not a vent. I just needed something sad. not a vent..i made a playlist for this btw! Again, for those who haven't read my other oneshot, Lovebug is Fizzaroli and Dizzy is Asmodeus. I wanted to give you guys a taste of what it's like to have hair like mines!! I hope you all enjoy<33

✰⋆⁺ Sometimes you don't feel the best. And that's okay, because your favorite two demons are on the way!

'Maybe you should've just kept your mouth shut.'

I thought to myself.

'They're lucky I'm not mentally unstable. I would've torn their fucking faces off.'

I cried silently as I ripped my suit off, throwing it harshly against the pink carpet. I bleated in anger. or was it sadness? Pure animosity for those ignorant, selfish, egotistical, unprofessional little shits started to cloud my mind.

pressure, pressure, pressure.

I swiped away my tears and stomped to the luxurious bathroom. My hooves made hostile clacks across the tile of the flooring, my puffy tail twitching in agitation.

pressure pressure pressure

I grabbed my essentials, a face towel and a body towel, as well as a few candles. I grab the lighter, but my hands are too shaky to use it. I slam it to the ground as the fluid pours against the smashed glass.

pressure pressure pressure

I looked at myself in the giant mirror. How tired my cheekbones looked, the way my fur desperately begged to be taken care of. But worst of all, was my eyes.

I looked so tired. So hopeless, so broken. Why are you letting them do this to you? You don't have to take this? It's not the only job, you deserve better.

That mask was cracking.

snap!

Something inside of me broke. I just couldn't look away from those sad eyes. Next thing i new, I was sobbing. hard.

I couldn't even conceal my noises, because if i did, I would simply be suffocating myself. My head was pounding, my tears falling faster (pretty sure they made a small puddle, how pathetic).

All the while, I still couldn't look away from those things. Those damned pupils. That thing looking at me in the mirror wasn't me. No, it couldn't be. It was too pitiful. Too weak.

My breathing quickened, my body wasn't listening to my thoughts. As of my brain disconnected from reality, I started to shake. Why cant i breathe?

My head was spinning, all of my hidden problems were choking me straight at the throat. Consciously, i knew I was fine. Yet, my body couldn't help but react in such a way to something as small as thoughts.

Disgusting. How miserable. You cant even hold yourself together. How would Dizzy and Lovebug react?

And as soon as I thought that, I heard the door burst open. A smooth voice to still my shaking, cooling metal to chill my burning skin. I still couldn't breath, and streams were still pooling my eyes.

Now i was being rocked slowly, scratchy humming as well as sniffles in between was bringing me to reality.

Just as my eyes were about to roll to the back of my head, my lungs finally registered my plead to breath. I took in as much air in as i could, sputtering and coughing ever so then.

I was able to see through those dreadful dewdrops, I could finally see the two people who give their love to me. After blinking a few times, I could feel that the tears had reached my skin, and were rapidly drying.

"Are you okay now buggabear?" Asmodeus whispered softly, as if his voice would disturb the silence I've created. Too bad his voice is more of a subduing melody. His eyelights looked down upon me in concern, as well as empathy.

I could only nod sheepishly, which is ironic...

Fizzaroli had his arms fully coiled around my fluff, from chest to waist. His eyes were slightly red, with his head stuffed into my neck.

"Don't scare me like that again!" He glared tearfully. "I couldn't tell if you were gasping for air or choking yourself out." He pouted, despite knowing it was out of your control. I chuckled in self depreciation.

I had only now noticed that Dizzy was in his smaller form, carefully floating his hands over my face. I meekly nodded again, and the softness of him and his love reached my cheeks.

"Oh Froggie..." Dizzy sighed, looking down at Fizzy, picked up the two of us. He looked over towards the tub and the broken lighter- or what used to be of it. Now it was tiny shards covered in chemicals, threatening to stab us if we dared placed our feet upon them.

I seemed to remember that i didn't have any clothes on previous as Asmodeus observed the knocked over candles around the tub rim.

"Would you still like to take a bath? Or is that too much for right now?" He asked, shuffling to balance and step over the shards.

"yes... yes please." I replied. I didn't wanna use my voice much. Lovebug unwrapped himself from me, and sat at the end of the tub. He turned the knobs, mixing and spilling in liquid soap for perfect satisfaction.

The bubbles floated upwards in heart shapes, popping when they reached the warm air above.

"Would you like us to stay?" Asmodeus asked.

As I consented, he lowered me into the tub. My wool instantly started soaking up water, bringing it down a few levels.

Soon enough after untensing a bit, Dizzy took my shoulders from behind and massaged them deeply. I couldn't help but relax and let out a few 'mehs' in delight. His fingers ran through the locs and strands of it all, untangling them to some extent.

Looking over, my heavy soaked wool making it hard to move, I looked over at Lovebug, who had a bottle of coconut and shea butter scented soap.

"Y-you guys do know you really don't have to do this for m-me, right?"I spoke, turning back to the bath wall. I then shiver as i fell a plop of thick liquid being moisturized into my head.

"Of course!/We want to though" They both say at the same time, turning to each other then laughing. The continue to scratch at my scalp and push deeply into my shoulders, forcing my tense muscles to ease up immediately.

"We want to take care of you, especially because you're stressed right now." Asdmodeus starts. "But also being our partner means being an extension of ourselves, we have to tend to ourselves after all?"

"Plus, buggabear, you'll get all stinky and sad- we dont wanna leave you like that!" Fizzaroli jested, poking at the top of your head with gloves. "What kind of partners would we be if we didn't do the the bare minimum of taking care of you?" He finished.

I smiled at my partners' words, chuckling at the 'stinky and sad' part.

Having someone to care for me meant a lot for my healing soul. No one ever, not even in the land of living, has someone ever taken care of me like this. Not even myself.

With such love, such delicacy in a way that didn't make you feel small. These two were the change you really really needed.

You were glad you had some form of escape from those funky thoughts.

(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و tags: @kittykittyanon @radicallxser @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl @ziipzeepzop-eez @amorvincitomnia-14 @spongejuice. if you would like to be added, check my blog. if you would like to be added, check my blog.

[j-l-kepler]

BG3 - How I Make Single Saves with Multiple Tavs on PC (No Mods Required)

Hey hey BG3 buds

So one day when I was very sick and a little bit delirious, I decided to try making a multiplayer save so I could play twins in BG3. I'm a twin who loves twin narratives, and my half-conscious state demanded I bend the laws of reality to see some authentic twin content for some reason. Little did I know my clunky little influenza-fueled experiment would completely change how I play the game, because I haven't made a fresh single-Tav save since...

I've got 2 different methods (one I use more since it just works for me).

Keep in mind I have a relatively beefy PC and I also own 2 Xbox controllers I got for like $27 on Amazon (not proud of that source). So if your PC is already struggling to run this game on the lowest graphics, and/or you don't have the money for 2 controllers you might not otherwise use, this might not be very helpful!

Also keep in mind I have only used these methods to get 2 Tavs/Origins in one playthrough. They can probably get more. I just haven't tested my abilities that far yet.

[TUTORIAL UNDER THE CUT]

METHOD 1 - THE TWO-WINDOW METHOD

I also call this the Two-Instance method. This is the method I started with months ago, and I've struggled to recreate it myself but I also haven't really tried that hard.

For this, all you need is BG3. It helps to have a secondary monitor, but it's not necessary. You might need Mod Manager, but you don't need Mods.

For clarity: I use the word "instance" to refer to the different BG3 windows you will have open.

Load your first instance of BG3 (I don't think you should close your launcher). Go to your settings and make it so it's a smaller window you can drag your mouse off of. This'll make it easy to see both of your instances at once and swap between them.

Load a second instance of BG3 (same thing, don't close that launcher right now). I believe I did this by directly loading the exe from my File Explorer or via the Mod Manager to bypass launching it via Steam. I think the way I did it was I went to Mod Manager, swapped my "profile" from my Steam to "Public" so it wouldn't try opening my Steam instance.

Go to Multiplayer on either instance and start a local closed multiplayer game. Get a multiplayer access code so only people with the code can join your game.

Enter that code in your other instance.

Go through the character creator and start the game on both instances like normal.

Once your Tavs/Durges/Origins have climbed out of their pods, save on your main instance of the game.

Once you've saved, have your second instance quit the game.

If all goes according to plan, your Tavs can now be controlled on one instance, and will follow each other like any other party member!

Fun fact, I didn't figure out the "disconnect your game" bit until I had already recruited Astarion, Gale and Shadowheart the first time I did this. I was playing the game by swapping back and forth every ten steps to keep the party together because I'm a genius.

Don't do that. Disconnect your other run as soon as your characters can be controlled. Good God. Don't be like me. It was so tedious.

You can probably use this method to get up to 4 Tavs in one playthrough if your PC can handle it.

METHOD 2 - THE CONTROLLER METHOD

This is the method I use the most because it's way easier. Like. WAY easier, both on my PC and on my braincells.

This method requires 2 compatible controllers for your PC. I use Xbox controllers because I'm more familiar with the configuration and I have 2 from my streaming days.

Connect both of your controllers to your PC/laptop at the same time.

Open BG3 (only 1 instance) and start a local multiplayer game.

Push A on the first controller to activate it if you didn't already (I always default to keyboard so I wait until I enter this screen to turn on the controller).

Turn on the second controller by pressing A. Accept that controller in-game, putting 2 players total in your multiplayer lobby.

Start the game. You'll now be in a split-screen where both views are visible.

Customize your characters and launch (I usually design the Tavs in a single-player ahead of time so I know what options to pick. In my case, if I take too long, it crashes my game so this is a time-saver. I think this is because of my mods).

Once your Tavs/Durges/Origins are out of their pods, SAVE your game and unplug BOTH controllers. If you only unplug one, it usually changes on of your avatars to keyboard control without going into single-player mode, so I always do both for good measure.

If all goes according to plan, you can now control both like they're companions/avatars! If you use controller, just plug your controller back in.

This method is way faster and way less convoluted, but it also requires the controllers to get it to work as far as my tests have gone.

If you have 4 controllers, you can probably get 4 Tavs in one playthrough.

SO WHY WOULD I WANT 2 AVATARS IN ONE SAVE?

THE UPSIDES

It can make for interesting roleplay opportunities! Having 2 characters that don't have a defined story can be a lot of fun as a player. I like familial relationships between Tavs (my Markolac Twins are my favorite example), but it's also a fun way to get a Durge and a Tav in one run.

Building off the previous point, you can explore more stories and character relationships in one run. You can do two romances in one run, have one Tav hate a certain character and the other really like them, etc - it's a cool way to experience the companions without having to make a fresh save every time you want to explore a certain avenue.

If your Tavs are the first two party slots, you get more chances to hear them react in-world to stuff as you walk around, which is really fun and makes your characters feel more alive.

THE DOWNSIDES

Unless you use the Party Limit Be Gone mod, that's now another slot in your party that cannot be used by a Companion, potentially limiting how many unique interactions you get. This method is compatible with the Party Limit Be Gone, so if you're okay with modding, it's a non-issue.

This is a me-problem, but I already spend like 2 hours every time I load playing dress-up with my Tav. If I have another Tav, that's another 2 hours. No wonder only 1 of my active saves has made it to Act 3.

STUFF YOU SHOULD KNOW

You can't have 2 Durges in one save. Pas possible. That's an Origin character. Tavs, you can have loads of.

If you have a Durge in your party, your Tav and even Hirelings will spout off the Durge walking around lines. It is extremely funny to me.

As far as my understanding goes, 4 Avatars is your cap even if you have Party Limit Be Gone. If you need more custom characters for your roleplay, get some mods and alter some hirelings. I can't attest to how STABLE that'll make your saves, so do that at your own risk.

LEMME KNOW IF YOU WANT ME TO UPDATE THIS WITH VISUAL AIDS OR ANYTHING THAT'LL HELP CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSIONS YOU MIGHT BE HAVING. I made this in like 10 minutes before a meeting.

I hope this helps you 2-Tav peeps who just wanna walk around with their blorbos and their OCs in this cool cool game.

[auschizm]

If I can rant/vent real quick, I have extremely bad memory problems which idk if memory counts as a cognitive issue or something else? But it's genuinely awful and I feel like people with good memory take it for granted so much. I'm so sick to death of being called "silly" and babied for having memory problems.

Like my partner was talking about what to cook for dinner, I was going to have one thing but then he said he would cook for both of us but within literally 60 seconds I had forgotten he said that and started talking about the first thing I was gonna cook for myself and he had to remind me he was cooking for both of us again.

Stuff like this happens to me multiple times a day, like little things but it just completely disconnects me from reality on top of like hallucinations and delusions as well. I love my partner and my friends but they really don't understand how scary it is to live my life sometimes.

This definitely can be a result of the cognitive symptoms associated with schizophrenia (though obviously I can't know exactly why you're personally experiencing memory loss), and it IS really scary and hard to cope with! I feel you and I'm sending my love and solidarity ❤️

[canidbld]

The Ethereal Unknowning of a Ghostly Hound

Trigger warnings: mentions of suicide and trauma

Word count: 1.6k

— An entry to Sol's November Writing Challange (aka @who-is-page)

I recently only came to understand the way I see myself and the way I see the world would fit under the definition of therianthropy only in March of this year.

It's currently November now, a good seven months spent on researching and introspection and trying to understand this label and identity within context to myself. I've read so many essays of others' personal experiences thanks to the grey muzzles from the 90's and to the archivists who collected their stories and the few academic papers and published books about therianthropy.

Right now I feel much more equipped than I did when I first awakened in March. Regardless that doesn't mean I still don't get confused and I still doubt my experiences and myself a lot especially when one of my kintypes is and was a ghostly spectral watch dog.

When I first awakened, I knew I was a canine, which was contrary to the common experience of researching your theriotype for months to years before understanding you are that animal. However I still put myself through that process because I actually did cycle between wolves to foxes to a bunch of other canids. I comfimed to domestic dog within a week. What was boiling under the surface, however, was another kintype that was extremely similar to my domestic dog theriotype but had a more otherworldly essence to it.

It's hard you see, being a primarily psychological therian. I don't have any memories or past lives to validate my experience and I'm a chronic overthinker by nature so it was hard enough to come to the realization that I was a dog but it was another thing entirely to process that I was more than just a dog.

Except, not really. It made entire sense when I rationalized it and looked back and cross-referenced my experience with other things it was just my nature of being a self-critic that made it so hard.

So then, why a ghost dog? And what did that mean, like, really? How could I be a supernatural dog when I have never experienced a supernatural thing in my life? Why was I something like a ghost dog when I don't have a spiritual bone in my body?

I like to think of myself as a grounded individual despite my anxiety, making me feel mentally disoriented and disconnected from reality at times. I thrive in the material reality.

At the time of awakening and after a grueling self critical and overthinking period (which never really stopped to be honest), I went from thinking I could be a potential hellhound to confirming being a black dog from folklore. Think Black Shuck and Church Grimm.

I mean, my entire identity as a canine itself (even if, according to my memories of this life, I was somewhat always a canine) originated from persistant traumatic events so questioning a hellhound kintype was just an amalgamation of all my habits and behaviors developed by trauma visualized into a dog. It was almost logical, really. You know, the imagery of a feral dog was very attractive to me when I felt so weak. But calling myself a hellhound didn't feel right, I had tried to do that via creating a hellhoundhearted blog (aka this one) and adopted the otherhearted label but when you are confused about a potential kintype and weather it's something you actually are then the next thing you do is research.

So I did. I tried very hard to look deep into the internet to hunt and dig up the most obscure articles and youtube videos about hellhounds to try and compare the way I felt about myself and realized that it was specifically the angry energy hellhounds exuded and how they were portrayed in certain myths and legends that I couldn't see myself as. Hellhounds were brave and strong despite their sinister mythos but I felt more cowardly and fearful. And black dogs were different from hellhounds, at least from my perspective. To me, hellhounds were violently angry. They were loyal for sure but they had a strength to them. They were fire red and burning screams. They were the fight response instead of the flight. Black dogs on the other hand had slightly more variety in its legends with some ghost dogs being neutral to benevolent. They were watchers. Observers. Inquisitive but also unpleasant and unwanted.

In my head, the amalgamation of my trauma was calmer. Quiter. Distant. Lonely. Tired. It had it's hot red fire moments for sure but my dissociation tendencies was pretty much how I coped the most with what I was going through.

So I came across the mythology of Black Shuck and all the other spectral canines that went under the same category and knew that this was what I meant. This was how I saw myself. A ghostly apparition on the moor, blink once and it dissappears at the slightest movement. Uncanny, unpredictable but not always hostile.

This black dog kintype was emphasized by reasons such as:

Feeling as if I was often looked over or like I wasn't even there, mainly referring to when other people would just ignore me or barely acknowledge my existence

Feeling entirely disconnected and dissociated from reality in general, which made everything feel so muted and dull that it was geniuenly hard to feel anything emotionally and physically

The hypervigilant feeling of always checking and being aware of my surroundings trying to make sure my environment was safe (I was super sensitive to noises like footsteps and knocking on doors from strangers)

These reasons were also solidified by the behaviors I would exhibit such as walking around the neighborhood between the times of 12am to 4am much like the tales of Padfoot who would stalk towns at night. I'd feel so alive and ethereal in those moments as if I was in some sort of stagnant limbo which I think now was just me dissociating (By the way, in retrospect, this was completely dangerous to do especially since I was trans and a minor in those times.)

But the biggest thing that all supernatural canines had in common was their association to death. That was one of the biggest reasons why I saw myself as one. My justification being that I felt like I was always on the verge of death due to my suicidal tendencies and attempts as a teen. I felt closer to death then ever. I wasn't a messenger of death persay, but I felt acquaintanced with it enough that I truly believed that death was comforting to me, apart of who I am. I realize now that I truly just wasn't in a healthy mindset. I wasn't death's best friend, I was just a lonely kid that was suicidal and was trying to cope.

And that's pretty much how I can properly explain what being a mythic black dog kintype meant to me. It was a product of my trauma and dissociation personified in myself as a way for me to cope. Of course, when I realized this, I knew that never discredited this being a valid reasoning behind a kintype. However, the problem was that I no longer felt so traumatized anymore. I've grown and I'm still growing and learning and healing. I'm not suicidal anymore, and my dissociation isn't as bad as it was years ago, and now I live in a safe place with a good support system in my boyfriend.

I had actually talked to him about this earlier this month about my black dog kintype on how I believed I no longer identified as a mythic black dog due due to feeling as if I've healed mostly from my trauma so the need to cling onto this feeling of being and seeing myself as a ghost dog was no longer necessary to cope. It was sad though, I told him, because the black dog was a part of me, you know? Even if its identity was just my trauma personified, that black dog was there during my worst moments and comforted me when I had no one else. Admiting to letting go of that identity felt like I was losing a piece of myself. Because in those moments as a kid/teen/young adult and the time I awakened those several months ago, the black dog was who I proudly was. Heck, even this blog is modeled and focused on the black dog!

But you know, its a good thing I think, to acknowledge that you're sad about healing because sometimes negative emotions and feeding into negative urges and behaviors can feel comforting but being able to be aware of that and still let go and move on makes me feel accomplished.

Despite having that talk with my boyfriend though, sometimes I still feel that etherealness of the black dog in moments like right now, as I'm writing this post and my boyfriend is asleep and I'm watching over him, guarding him in the night as I stay up late and wait for him to wake up like an affectionate dog waiting for his owner to come home.

So I guess I'm always on my toes when it comes to my ghost dog kintype. Always constantly questing a kintype that is as incomprehensible to me like sand falling between fingers.

I think ultimately, from my current understanding, being and identifying as a ghostly hound is about perspective. Traits that I thought and believed were because I was a mythic black dog was just another symptom of trauma in someone else's eyes but the casual and calm and soft moments at night remind me that being a black dog wasn't just all about trauma and suffering.

[edge-oftheworld]

ttpd meets 5sos yet again

denial playlist

bad omens vapor lie to me not in the same way midnight empty wallets lost in reality broken pieces bloodhound haze voodoo doll daylight perfect lie money* no shame disconnected complete mess san francisco baby blue kiss me kiss me safety pin 18 don't stop valentine straight to your heart* break up* garden life* wicked habit* close enough to feel you* blender* girls talk boys* mrs all american* little spark* marry you* glory days*

anger playlist

hey everybody she's kinda hot easier me myself & i over and out teeth (live from the vault) tears! good girls rejects social casualty greyhound monster among men* broken pieces she looks so perfect starting line easy for you to say talk fast if walls could talk lost boy castaway catch 22 permanent vacation airplanes skinny skinny kill my time rebel at heart* just saying* blood on the drums* red line* youngblood* take what you want*

bargaining playlist

catch fire heartbreak girl outer space why won't you love me more lonely heart a beautiful dream when you walk away moodswings the girl who cried wolf the only reason 2011 everything i didn't say shakes scar mum drive broken home best years have u found what ur looking for? lose you* greenlight waste the night out of my limit promises* i'm still your boy* benny* motion* never be* the canyon* california holds her breath*

depression playlist

invisible red desert bloodline* wrapped around your finger you don't go to parties caramel amnesia woke up in japan beside you wherever you are close my eyes the sweetness close as strangers story of another us fly away place in me slip away ghost of you diamonds* gotta get out try hard comedown* moving along last night of my life* take my hand* high indestructible* saigon* repeat*

acceptance playlist

carry on heartache on the big screen babylon teeth who do you love long way home better man carousel lighter bleach old me tomorrow never dies* english love affair flatline sunshine matter of time meet you there best friends end up here want you back i see the angels* jet black heart wildflower lover of mine i'm to blame unpredictable older emotions* hearts upon our sleeve* best friend* wild things* endless wave*

[horse-girl-anthy]

essay on NGE (and RGU) under the cut

if I really wanted to oversimplify, I could say that NGE and RGU are essentially the same story. both are about whether it's worth it to go on living, to come to life, or if it's better to die, to stay half-living. they use their respective characters, genres, and symbolic systems in order to investigate this issue.

to approach the shows that way would of course be flattening, since they explore the themes they share in different ways. I find myself in a loop when I try to compare them: first, I'll think of a way they're similar, but the second I write down the commonality, I think of an exception. when I try to write about how they're different, I end up realizing they're the same.

rather than try to parse all of that out, I'd like to talk about what NGE and RGU have given me, respectively. I first watched the shows back to back when I was 16. RGU has occupied a lot of my headspace since I rewatched it in 2020, while NGE was more of a teenage interest. however, NGE is still important to me, because it does things for me that RGU doesn't (just as RGU does things for me that NGE doesn't). the two works compliment each other well, in my opinion.

in the 90s, Ikuhara and Anno were fairly close, and did a string of interviews together to promote Evangelion. the below quote is from an interview with Newtype which was conducted during NGE's production:

Kunihiko Ikuhara: Hmm, what I'm hoping for from Evangelion is that it will be a drama that shows us an embodiment, a concrete way to be happy. --Our Happiness: The Happiness Depicted by "Evangelion"

did Ikuhara get what he wanted out of Evangelion? "a concrete way to be happy"? I don't know. perhaps Ikuhara went on to make RGU because he didn't see what he wanted in Evangelion. RGU--all Ikuhara works--have some kind of relief in them. a moment of revelation, change, reconcilliation, transcendence. Evangelion points in similar directions, but it never truly resolves; it never relents.

but Ikuhara goes on to say:

Kunihiko Ikuhara: There are many young people who think that they will be happy if their current situation changes. They think that because the situation is bad, they can't be happy or do well. That's not true. What makes us happy is our ability to materialize - to give shape to our happiness.

this was something that the final episode of NGE communicated to me quite powerfully when I was a kid. first, the animation style changes, and the show depicts how material reality restrains freedom, but how total freedom would mean total disconnection, the inability to interact with the world. later, Shinji has visions of a sitcom version of Eva, where the story plays out like a bad anime. somehow, this is what leads into the revelation he has at the last moment of the episode. I couldn't have explained it at the time, but this ending worked very well for me. I think I've finally put my finger on why.

the voices of all the people Shinji knows give him a lecture, dispensing advice which could feel insulting or could be hard to take. I was struck by him being told, "you're the only one who can understand yourself, so take care of yourself." like many young people, I had the fantasy that I would meet someone who truly understood me, and that it would somehow free me from all bonds. I wanted to be helped and saved, and here was this show, telling me to my face, "it's actually your responsibility to do that for yourself." I didn't want to believe it, especially not that I would never be understood the way I wanted to be... but I couldn't ignore it either.

there's also a part where Shinji is told that "on rainy days, you feel glum, but on sunny days, you feel happy. but that's only a matter of your perception." this sounds like something a bad therapist would tell you: that you can just willpower your way out of suffering by changing how you look at a situation. but I think it's not quite that.

this goes back to the sitcom sequence. Shinji witnessed a different version of himself, one with normal problems, and he realized that the world is actually indifferent to him, the way that the world is indifferent to whether there's rain or sunshine. the whole show, he's been afraid of indifference, and he's been afraid that he's looked down on by others. he's judged himself, felt like absolute scum. but at the same time that he's forced to realize that he will never receive perfect acceptance and understanding from someone else, he also realizes that indifference is a great gift, because it means whether he is the "rainy" or "sunny" version of Shinji, he is still allowed to exist. he is a part of his world, a mirror of it, and so there's no reason to hate himself for his failings. it's a realization that he has a place in the world, and he's congratulated for it.

but Evangelion didn't stop there. I rejected End of Eva the first time I watched it, in part because I really disliked the live action shots (which I thought were pretentious) but also because the story was so depressing, especially after the relatively uplifting ending of the show.

the film does have moments of transcendence, but they're all of an existential, apocalyptic, and ecstatic-through-suffering kind. Yui tells Shinji, "as long as the sun, moon, and earth exist, everything will be alright," taking the idea that circumstances don't dictate happiness to the extreme. she becomes a monument to humanity, sacrificing herself and allowing the apocalypse in order to do so. is it beautiful, or horrible? are humans so afraid to be annihilated that we annihilate ourselves?

more unsettling, our main characters get what I'd like to call "anti-resolutions." Ritsuko fails to even get revenge on Gendo, betrayed by her mother til the end. Misato may be right that she's learned with every mistake she's made, but she dies the same person she always was, crying out to Kaji for reassurance. our young protagonists all have moments of self-actualization, but they are immediately cancelled, rendered void. Asuka regains her desire to live, only to be killed. Rei makes a choice--a crucial choice--but she hands the final decision over to Shinji, losing her individuality in the process (when she's always longed to be a discrete individual). then Shinji makes what seems to be the right choice, but is not rewarded for it.

I've always found it fascinating that people can watch NGE and come to the conclusion that Third Impact was a good thing and humans should have stayed tang. it's certainly the more peaceful option. everything would just be... over. no more strife caused by the fact that we cannot understand each other, that we cannot cross the divide of being and experience each others' experience.

in a triumphant moment, Shinji decides against living as fluid. he knows his feelings were real, and could only ever be real, in that other world, where people are separate, because not having any boundaries is the same as not existing.

the logic of fiction tells us that, since Shinji "did the right thing," there should be a good outcome as a result. but no, there isn't. when he's back in his body, the world is worse than it's ever been, and only Asuka is by his side. he has the ability to hurt people again. yes he can be caressed, but he can also be scorned, hated--and people can have good reasons to scorn and hate him.

this was an entirely new gift that End of Eva gave me, and it's stuck with me ever since. it was an acknowledgment of suffering that promised no respite or happy ending. if we are not to kill ourselves, we have to face the fact that life may offer no rewards. we may never get what we want, and there will certainly be pain along the way. relationships can fall apart, and we can let ourselves down.

although Ikuhara has said that he created RGU in the hope that it would help kids see an option other than suicide, I would say that NGE has done more for helping me live than RGU, for the reasons I outlined above. it was my sense as a teen that there was no way out of the pit. maybe it's true that people can't understand each other, but through the power of art, I felt understood by NGE. that went a long way.

RGU was something very different; it had a different gift to give, and I had to mature in order to accept it. I don't think RGU offered a "concrete way to be happy" either, but it did make concrete the process of liberation. RGU is about freedom, freedom from just about everything: illusions, dependence, time, the self, you name it. by dramatizing the process by which a community is turned inside out and changed irrevocably, the show proves that liberation is possible. Anthy comes to stand in for the repressed part of all women, and so her revolution is the revolution of womanhood. most affectingly, the show involves the audience in the story using a variety of means. by forcing the audience to see themselves as part of the narrative, getting them to examine their own perceptions and identify with the characters, RGU operates as a direct challenge to the viewer, asking them to revolutionize their own world as soon as possible.

to wrap this up, I see NGE and RGU as stories which I needed at different times in my life. I imagine I'll return to them for years to come, but it makes sense to me that NGE came first. I don't think I could have tried for freedom before I internalized the ideas that NGE offered me. in the long run, RGU has had more impact on my thinking and personality, but NGE paved the way for it, kindly playing the role of John the Baptist for me. it is the gospel for the new century after all.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Mommy Dearest

Moonlight Chicken, Ep. 7 is all about parent/child relationships. And I for one could not be more grateful to P'Aof and the other writers, cast, and crew involved in highlighting that. As I've gotten older my appreciation for slice of life style stories has continued to grow, and I think that stems from finding comfort and catharsis in seeing other people portray my reality. Especially when it is treated with empathy and understanding.

Which is why I was so happy to see Li Ming's interactions with his mother this episode. Cause the second they meet face to face, I knew I would be relating hard to Li Ming's feelings towards his mother.

It is vitally, vitally important to me that Jam is introduced in this way. That she is always being shown throughout this entire episode to be kind. She is nice, she is expressing interest in her son, she is cooking for him, she is asking him to come home. Even when she is expressing her thoughts on Li Ming being gay to Jim, ones that are harmful, she is not doing so maliciously. She is allowed to be seen as not inherently evil, and Li Ming is still allowed to feel no love for her.

And this is very important to me specifically because it the way she engages with Li Ming is nearly identical to the way my father is currently trying to engage with me. He's started calling me more, started asking me more questions about my life, started inviting me over for dinner when I'm in town. And the reason why I'm so invested in this scene is because, I recognize the deadness in Li Ming's eyes, we know from later on in the episode that Li Ming isn't sure that he loves his mother, and as a result we have a colder, more stand-offish, and unusually quiet Li Ming. He is not capable of engaging with his mother in a loving way, and it radiates out of him. Before we've had more than ten seconds of a conversation between them, we can already tell that Li Ming is incapable of buying in to her pleasantries.

Even worse for Li Ming, this is a surprise. He did not know she was coming, and now she is here, giving him no time to emotionally or mentally prepare to interact with her.

And this statement speaks volumes to me, probably does to Li Ming too. She didn't come here to see Li Ming, she didn't come here because she missed Li Ming, she came here because her boyfriend was coming here, she just happened to be in town. It's understandable if the expense to travel is a burden, but we know pretty soon after she says this line that she is currently living comfortably.

Crucially, Jam doesn't say this to be cruel, she is not trying to hurt Li Ming. She's just telling him information, but if my father said this to me after an extended time apart, I know I certainly would be thinking of course. of course you only come when it's convenient for you.

Love this line. Because it establishes a fact. Li Ming and Jam do not talk to each other. Li Ming has no idea who Uncle Tong is in relation to his mother.

Li Ming's entire character centers around connection and disconnection. And if his body language wasn't a neon sign in and of itself to the disconnect he has between himself and his mother, everything she has said and continues to say puts further distance between them. "That uncle who took you fishing when you were small," when you were small. She hasn't seen Li Ming in years, she has no idea who he is as a person now, no idea what memories he's made since living in Pattaya. Li Ming is her child, so he will always be a child, and his current likes and interests and memories must surely still be tied to his childhood. Because she only knows Li Ming has he was, before she lost left him

Ok, I know I say this every time, but Fourth is such a good actor, there is so much more darkness and anger in Li Ming than in Gun and I always have to remind myself he's playing both characters. And right here, I want to ask Fourth what Li Ming is feeling. Is he lying or is he telling the truth? Is he scared of what is coming next? He knows what will happen, he knows what is coming. Does he lie about not remembering P'Tong to try to drive the knife in a little? Or does he genuinely not remember and it's a good indication that Jam will have to work very very hard to brighten up the relationship between her and her son?

We love the incredibly human characters that are in this show. Li Ming's mother does actually care about her son's opinion here. She wants him to know that she is thinking of marrying P'Tong. I do genuinely believe that, that she is seeking permission here from Li Ming, regardless of whether P'Tong was the one who suggested it or not.

Zero tolerance for bullshit.

I know Li Ming as a character is very willing and able to call out the injustices he sees, anywhere, anytime, with anyone in any position of power. But God, (sorry this is getting too personal) it feels so satisfying some times to deliver a cut like this to a parent.

Li Ming is still not buying in to it, so Jam is being more intentional about what she is feeling. Jam wants Li Ming's opinion, or...she wants Li Ming to absolve her of some of her guilt and her hesitations and her worries.

ZERO! TOLERANCE! FOR! BULLSHIT!

God. His face in this whole scene is great, so detached from everything, he is giving her as few emotions as possible. It's cold, it's distant, his physicality bears the emotional distance between them. It is so so different from his confrontations with Jim. Someone he is also very clearly willing and able to talk back to. To get punchy with.

When Li Ming is mad at Jim he gets close, as close to him as possible, right up in to his face.

When Jim gives him a command "don't raise your voice at me," "I said stop." it does take a few attempts but Li Ming does listen. Does calm down. Does apologize. And even after his uncle has constantly, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes for safety, over-stepped Li Ming's boundaries and autonomy, Li Ming still often checks in with Jim. In the confrontation with Heart's parents when Heart runs upstairs, Li Ming looks to Jim (in my mind seeking permission) before he runs up after him.

But crucially, Li Ming trusts Jim, Li Ming loves Jim, Li Ming knows Jim cares about him and as a result, he gives Jim his whole self. He calms himself down when Jim tells him he's crossed the line, he goes to Jim's birthday party, he apologizes to Jim. He tells Jim what is bothering him, and while that often ends in an argument, Li Ming is fully willing to be honest with him.

"If you want me to say it's okay, just say it,"

Jam does not get the same honesty. Whatever he can do to just finish this conversation sooner, he will do. Whatever Jam wants him to say so she can feel better and he can get more distance between them, he will say.

Oh. I can see how easy it would be for Li Ming to fully believe it was P'Tong who actually decided to consider Li Ming's feelings. Not hers.

Straight to the point. Just say what you mean, just tell me what you want, stop dragging this conversation out.

He looks...absolutely the same. No emotion. Closed off. There is no excitement, no hope, no joy. This is not good news to him. This does not change anything between them. This does not make him love his mother more, or make him feel more loved by his mother in return.

"My life is more comfortable now, you know? You're about to graduate from high school. Maybe we can be together again." Now, we all know that Li Ming is not interested in going to college, he wants to leave, to do work and travel. But his mother doesn't know that, we'll get to the sentence immediately following this one in a second but I just...I can't help thinking about whether or not Li Ming would even live at home if he did go to college. How much parenting would she really have to do. How much of a time commitment would she really be putting in?

We know Li Ming has desperately been seeking freedom and understanding. He has found understanding by way of Heart. But the freedom from poverty? He now has that if he goes to live with his Mom. She's living a comfortable life. But he doesn't want it. Because fundamentally, more than anything else, Li Ming wants freedom to make his own choices.

And see, here is the thing. "IF YOU WANT to continue your studies," she's giving him a choice here...technically. But Jim and Li Ming have had this conversation already. Jim and Li Ming have already had this fight. Going back with his mother would not solve any of his problems, and in fact creates more because it separates him from the community he has here.

"Why do you all decide for me? Nobody bothers to ask me first."

Now, in the first place we know there is no way in Hell Li Ming is going back with his mother. There is not a second in this entire interaction that Li Ming even entertains the idea. He does not love his mother, he does not want to live with his mother, his mother has no clue who he even is as a person at this point.

And in the second place, he would be facing the same exact problem he has right now. People aren't asking him what he wants. They aren't treating him like an adult. And yes, as you get older, you realize that people were doing their best, and as you get older you realize that it's difficult to successfully balance when you need to protect or guide young adults and when you need to let them make their own decisions. In the conversation Li Ming has with Jim at the end of Episode 5 after they return home. Jim asks "What if something more serious occurs to [Heart]?" and Li Ming replies with "I never think it would happen," and that is what Jim is trying to shield Li Ming from. And all Li Ming is asking for is to be allowed to learn from those moments.

Okay, tangent over, back to Li Ming and Jam. Where we have seen Li Ming be cold, near dissociative, and definitely detached through most of the conversation with his mother. But this, the lack of autonomy he is constantly facing by his family, is Li Ming's biggest sore spot. And he has been bravely trudging along through a conversation he does not want to be in, where he is being met with just so much kindness that lacks so much understanding of him, that he is ready to be done.

But this is not the reaction his mother is expecting of Li Ming, again, because she hasn't been here for this. We have. Jim has. We know that this is a sore spot, and we know that Li Ming has already been in a very emotionally charged argument about this with his uncle before, and I doubt he really wants to do it again.

"Isn't it good to have options?" because she is confused. Because she doesn't know that Li Ming has chosen his option already. That his choice is to leave. And this question is double edged, though I don't think Jam realizes it. Isn't is good to have options? To have college as a back up if you decide you want to go. To have me as a backup if you are tired of living with Uncle Jim. If you are tired of living here in poverty, in a community that accepts you, in a place where you have friends and you have love and you have connection. You can come back with me to live in a comfortable home, with a man that I don't really want to marry but will anyway, away from all your friends, away from the man that raised you, away from your community.

No wonder Li Ming hits her back immediately with "What do you want me to be happy about first?"

The face of a man who is very much not happy about any of this. "About your breakup with Uncle Sith, about your new boyfriend, or about you being well-off and having a comfortable life, and wanting to take me back with you?"

If anyone can remind me of the timeline with Beam, I would really love to know, because I want to know if Li Ming knew Beam, if Li Ming met Beam. How many people has he lost? How often is his mother breaking up with people? How out of the loop does Li Ming feel?

Babes, you didn't come here for Li Ming at all. The list of reasons you gave for coming to Pattaya, in order:

"P'Tong was in town running errands"

"P'Tong wanted me to ask you if it was okay if he married me,"

"I want to be with you,"

The reason you actually came to Pattaya:

Jim called and asked for a title, and you want to use it to get him to try to help you get your son to move back with you.

The face of a man who is absolutely done compromising his own feelings for his mother's.

And God, okay it is time to talk about Li Ming and eye contact. Because we know he is so so capable of keeping eye contact. When he fights with Jim his eyes are always always right on him. When he's with Heart, he's making as much eye contact as possible.

When he is with Jam, it is completely reversed, he makes eye contact with his mother as little as possible. Physically turning himself away from her at the end here. And she tries to be physically affectionate with him, to show her love for him, but Li Ming does not love his mother, and so he just sits there unable to reciprocate.

Lmao, me when my Dad tries to hug me.

Okay, so I started this whole thing by saying that I was incredibly grateful to this show for making Li Ming's mother kind, and for allowing Li Ming to treat her this way anyway, and for that to be okay. Warning, personal story ahead...when I was sixteen, in a fit of anger, my father said he could live perfectly happily without me, and it did irreparable harm to our already extremely tenuous relationship. The thing that even made me tolerate him was going to college and getting thousands of miles between us. And by the end of college our relationship broke down further, and then even distance couldn't save it. But, my father is incredibly charming and charismatic to the outside world. I do not love my father. And that is something I have never said out loud. Because I feel guilty about it. But, I do not love my father, and unfortunately, that's clear to anyone that sees us interact. Because I am Li Ming in my own situation. I am detached, emotionless, giving the shortest possible replies with no extra information. When my father ends his phone calls with "I love you" I do not say it back, because I can't and because I don't believe him. When my father hugs me, I do not hug him back. When my father invites me to dinner, and his girlfriend is there, I can't shake the feeling that it was her who suggested we all get together in the first place. Or if it wasn't, that he's just trying to show himself off as a good father to impress her.

And from the outside looking in, to strangers who do not know the history that has come between us, the history that has gotten us to that point, I look like the asshole. And it is something that I am painfully aware of. So this scene means a lot to me, because I have not seen this type of relationship between a parent and a child in any media before. Either the parents are great, or the parents are abusive, or the parents have been cut off because they are asking too much of their kids. I haven't seen my relationship to my parent accurately represented, and humanely represented. I do not think that Li Ming is being unfair here, I do not think that he is being cruel. And that brings me such relief.

[allsadnshit]

healing my relationship with femininity has been so important this past couple years and I think sometimes the way it's talked about can make it so much harder and so shameful for a lot of people to admit they struggle with because there's so much rhetoric about like "are you a girls girl or not?" and like a very black and white cold "girls who don't have girl friends are RED FLAGS! TOXIC! EVIL! TRAITORS" when I think in reality it's such an obvious sign of wounding to not be able to connect with women, whether growing up or in adulthood.

for myself it stems so largely from being raised by a single father and older brother and having my literal connection to women (my mom) severed really traumatically early in life when she passed and to fit in and be included in family things always meant having to sacrifice things I might have liked at the time like tea parties and barbie and being forced to watch action movies and male sports just to get quality time and attention in my home because they never made time for my interests as a young girl and were passively dismissive of them too (never let me pick the music cause I'd play "girlie stuff", never wanting to watch the movies I wanted to see in theaters meaning I also just didn't get to see them, having any feminine interests and hobbies be less celebrated) and it really shaped me.

somewhat naturally there was a glaring disconnect between not just myself and men who I couldn't seem to become communal with even if I shared all the same hobbies which I tried very hard to do like getting into yu gi oh and kung fu, but when I'd be put into situations with all other girls I felt isolated and clumsy because I didn't watch the same movies, didn't know how to do things like cute hair styles or braiding, and was just generally behind and felt much more like an observer than like I had any place in it.

I've always had girl friends but they were often isolated relationships with girls who also struggled with their girl relationships and were otherwise bullied or cast out, and those relationships even though sacred to me also often would become poisoned with jealousy and comparison because society pits women against each other especially growing up it felt like a literal competition and it's so common to be ranked by boys and even other girls and adults in terms of who's prettier or most desired which is really strange to apply to an already vulnerable dynamic in a formative part of life.

Because of a mix of all these bad circumstances I've really rejected myself and a lot of my natural connections to girlhood and women and I think it felt like an easier and safer route to just disconnect entirely which is what I did for most of my life until around the time of the first lock down when I was very privately buying girl clothes for the first time in years and experimenting with the idea that I'd like to allow myself some movement and fluidity with my relationship to gender. It really makes me sad the way so much of society makes us feel we need to do things a certain way or see ourselves a certain way to be living "correctly" when I think it's a very personal journey and being scorned and shamed for what we do or don't do makes us self conscious and unable to act naturally. I've gotten a lot of nasty comments from women who feel it should be easy to connect with women because they have gotten the privilege of healthy relationships with mothers, grandmothers, sisters, and friends and so feel that anyone who hasn't is just toxic and doing it to themselves which I just find extremely unkind and self interested.

and that's part of why I reject terms like "girls girl" even as I lean into healing my relationship to femininity and relationships with women and the social pressures we face. I know that term came about originally with the intention of expressing a relationship to women that was non competitive and based on mutual respect and care, but it's been transformed and used now in a really hatefully isolating way and I do not claim it or the energy towards other women it gives off of not seeing their humanity and flaws as places to grow and be loved through but as a reason to further disengage from.

[cosmichighpriestess]

𝕺𝖜𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕯𝖆𝖗𝖐𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝕭𝖆𝖑𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕷𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝕯𝖆𝖗𝖐𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖘🖤

My demons know me very well. And they know you very well too. But I specifically want to talk about the demons who are with me and the darkness within all of us. They know I have overcome challenges to forgive people who wronged me. They don't need to test me on those challenges anymore. Our agreement is finished. They serve me now. These demons are high ranking and they know I have no fear of the darkness, and that I do not resist my yin and yang energy.

But the demons that know me deeply, are more so challenging people in my reality because they know I will already forgive them, I will already understand them, I will already know they are under a spell and don't know why they are hurting me and those around them, so these demons are challenging their integrity to see what they will do with me, a person who looks vulnerable and easy to manipulate but I am actually a trap, because I'm neither, I'm actually protected and very hard to manipulate. This is actually a new level for me because I've already forgiven and continue to. You see, if you are to look outside yourself and invalidate the darkness you perceive out there, you're also invalidating the darkness within you, thus not accepting it, thus leaving no room for it to change.

This doesn't mean encouraging negative, abusive behavior it just means accepting that it's there for you to shine your light on it so that is has room to change, an offering of love and acceptance for whatever that being is experiencing to be negative. They must be so disassociated, so lost, so hypnotized from reality to be acting that way towards you.

There have been times where I wanted to curse people knowing my power to really cause harm and I chose not to. I wanted to in my darkness and I was very close to cursing people that wronged me but I did not listen to the little devil on my shoulder and instead I chose to go inside the infinite, abyssal amount of love and forgiveness within me and I realized that felt better for me personally. Even though I may have uttered words I cannot take back from the ethers. I forgave myself, I forgave them, and I learned from those experiences deeply and continue to.

I understand there's pleasure in watching those suffer who hurt you, that is why there are bullies, that is why there are evil actions because there can be pleasure found in those things when a person is so disconnected with who they really are, which is unconditional love. A person who goes down the rabbit hole of dark magick ends up coming to a stop eventually because they can see they are only cursing themselves. I used to have those fantasies of people who abused me relentlessly, but then I realized that was not the kind of world I wanted to live in and that was not the kind of person I choose to be. But I am very self aware, and I understand my darkness now because of going through those hellish experiences.

That hell I experienced was actually the key to my healing and ascension, it wasn't a punishment from a past life. The flames we walk through in hell purify our energy. To be able to incarnate on this planet you have to have a certain amount of darkness to be here otherwise you wouldn't be able to handle Earth or understand the amount of darkness on Earth. There is an intelligence behind negativity. That negativity that our ego defines and labels as so bad and so evil that it shouldn't exist is actually very misunderstood. Isn't the dark so beautiful at night? Isn't the moonlight gorgeous at night? Isn't it magical when you fall asleep at night and go into the darkness? How can that be all evil? There's nothing wrong with it, it clearly is helpful for ourselves to rest and to dream and also for manifesting your dreams.

There are beings of darkness that live in that darkness, that dwell in the shadows that are all Source, all children of the Divine, and they can help you manifest your dreams, in the very depths of your being if you let them. Our dreams are connected to the subconscious mind. And as you dream and you experience and see something you rather not look at, there can of course be fear. But that is the experience of being however you choose to define it, positively serving you or negative.

Always remember you are both light and dark, because you are Source/an aspect of God. You cannot be all light without darkness otherwise-you're not balanced. Remember as the pendulum is pulled all the way into one way, eventually it swings the other way. If you have no awareness of your negativity and no awareness of how to bring light to the darkness then you'll feel unprepared when the pendulum does swing back into the darkness. Remember without the bad days you wouldn't recognize good days, and you would have nothing to compare the good days to and really appreciate them.

My energy particularly pulls out the darkness within others I come into contact with to give them a choice, if they want to accept their darkness and forgive themselves or will they project it onto me to transmute it for them. This is all completely neutral and meaningless, I will do it for them because it serves me no matter what it's more energy for me no matter how negative, I can chew it up and spit it out cleansed. So it's completely up to them what they choose, but it's also up to me to create a version of them I prefer. So now as I am more aware, I choose to create the most positive, loving version of them because that is unconditional love to me, I also allow them to be free to be who they are without me projecting my own beliefs about what I want them to be.

Now, sometimes unknowingly I will create versions of people I don't prefer but when it comes into my awareness I quickly change my beliefs about that person so that I'm seeing a more positive version of them but after this I allow them to play their role in my life, even if it's more negative because it always serves me in some way. I am a master alchemist so it doesn't matter what I get, I can always use it to turn it into gold.

Some beings want to know what my weaknesses are, what my fears are and they go into my subconscious mind to use my fears against me but I always see it in a positive way. I used to love horror movies, now I don't really have interest, but I appreciate the beauty, the art and the emotions they invoke within me that inspire me. I love to weep at anything beautiful and sad and to feel all my emotions, good or bad. I adore dark art and create it. I love dark fashion and dancing in the dark. I listen to a lot of dark music in a positive way. I am very dualistic because I don't vilify darkness.

I don't ever claim to be all light because I know I'm also darkness. I also know that fear is an illusion, all fear is an illusion and it creates and manifests every single problem in our lives, so I just change my beliefs to, "it's always working in my favor no matter what and any darkness I see outside of me is also within me" so I just accept it and turn the other way to what feels better immediately because it feels better. It also feels good to not shame my darkness because it's not evil, it just IS. It's neutral.

I am constantly creating my reality at this level of consciousness. I'm not on the wheel of karma anymore, I've passed that level fortunately with hard inner work. I'm not suffering like I used to, I'm releasing fear, limiting beliefs, I'm forgiving, I'm unconditionally loving, I'm owning all aspects of my multidimensionality. But the darkness doesn't own me. I'm conscious and aware and creating everything I see at all times, now, now and now every moment. I'm in no rush because I'm All That Is, eternal, immortal, limitless and indestructible.

Instead of liberating others and pretending to be all light, calling yourself a light worker here to save everyone, going outside of yourself constantly, just liberate yourself first, and own your darkness, own your light but do not invalidate others darkness, negativity for it's within all of us and it serves as an intelligence beyond our human comprehension at the moment. I'm not accusing you of saying you are all light and love but some beings certainly ignore their darkness and label it as bad and shouldn't exist.

Create a beautiful, loving, intelligent connection with the darkness and those who oppose you and they will come into your heart, and they will give you access to their power, so that you can use it. But of course being a being of integrity of love, you will surely choose to evolve your heart and use your newfound power for good to create more beauty in your world. Let us dance to the rhythm of our darkness. 🖤