#i hate being perceived but i want it more than anything
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Oh yeah the big pickups to work in an office job infuriate me to no end. A whole parking lot full of death machines that have never known the touch of a gravel road or hauled anything larger than a big Costco run. I have a nice lil electric hatchback tho.
the thing is, i always wanted a car. my parents took me on a lot of road trips when i was growing up (i remember a couple years before he died, my dad told me he was very proud to have shown me so much of the country when he himself had grown up poor and could only travel as far as the next job took him), so of course i have in me that quintessential American longing for The Road. in high school, i fantasized about getting into a car and disappearing into traffic, traveling to some distant corner where nobody lived and finding a situation to occupy. god help me, as a teen i bemoaned being born too late and longed for the naive vision of the 60s i'd received from my parents and pop culture and the rusted-over kitsch that dotted the remains of Route 66 (which my dad loved to talk about).
i hate car culture in part because i used to love car culture. it's a microcosm of indoctrinated American patriotism in general. they sell you on the dream, right? the freedom of travel, of expression. i wanted to be the millennial Jack Kerouac, whose work i did not actually read because i was young and dumb and drowning in dysphoria. but as i got older i saw how quickly little bumps and scratches can turn into massive financial burdens, to say nothing of cracked windshields or flat tires. then my mom died and i was given the responsibility of handling her car, a silver scion xb. i was 19, i did not have a license and had next to zero experience driving, nor had i ever had a job before. when i say "given the responsibility to handle her car" instead of "given her car," i mean that i didn't just get her car. like, i had it, i had the keys and no one was around to tell me not to drive it. but in order to get the title signed over to me, i had to go through an insane bureaucratic process of proving that my mom was dead, and that i was her kid, and that i should have the title to the car. this took months of back and forth miscommunication as dated notices were sent and bills piled up. because it wasn't just the car i got, but the debt as well. some $30,000 of it left unpaid by mom, which i was now expected to pay in her stead. my first job was working night shifts at a wal mart stocking the frozen food department, and that was the job where i rode my bike on the highway to get to work. i didn't drive because i didn't have a license, didn't have experience, was terrified of highway drivers, and knew very distinctly that if anything went wrong i'd instantly be in so much more debt (monetary and bureaucratic) than i already was. eventually my sister, a career nurse with three kids and a house, took over the car from me.
nobody understood why i didn't drive that car more. even my mom, when she was still alive, she said "when i was your age, i was dying to get out of the house." i was too! but for all that cars culturally represented freedom, in practice what they came to represent to me was the expected cost of participating in society. i was already sensitive to adults sneering at me for my perceived immaturity (the joys of being a millennial), which only compounded on learning that i didn't have a car or license, that i wasn't proactively joining Clubs or Organizations, that i wanted to pursue the arts of all things, that i wasn't Christian, etc etc etc. i never got out to see live music because i didn't have a car and didn't have money. i didn't get my first smart phone until late 2015. i spent a lot of my college years feeling alienated because i was at least two years older than everyone else (i already didn't want to go to college straight out of high school even before my mom died), still used a flip phone, and didn't have a car. which is to say i was a working class person trying to get by in a middle class institution. and i only got in because i was very good at peddling my sob story for sympathy points. FAFSA loves to finance the odd tragedy, i'm telling you (don't worry, i still had to take on a ton of student loan debt). when i expressed to family that i didn't want a car because i didn't feel safe as a driver, and felt that i shouldn't need to have a car in order to participate in society, they said "everyone feels that way at first, but you just have to get over it. or move to a big city. good luck affording that!" as a related aside, when i told those same people that i liked being in college for the pursuit of knowledge and wanted to graduate towards being a sort of generalist, they flatly insisted that that's not how college works anymore, and that i should instead put my energies towards a Useful Degree that would Get Me A Good Job.
of course they were sympathetic, at least on the surface. they told me these things in a kind tone, the way adults always do when what they're saying boils down to "it's not fair, but life ain't fair." and i've just never been able to accept that. before i knew anything about socialism or communism or materialist dialectics, when i was still very much under the thrall of post-Clinton liberalism, i still felt this deep-rooted conviction that when people said "life isn't fair," they were giving up something. that it was an excuse, an appeal to a higher power, a resignation to the status quo. my experience with cars, by the time i hit 25, was that you bought them for the freedom they promised, and then spent of your life driving that car between one of maybe five locations on the regular and doing very little else. the only time i ever felt free in a car was on a road trip, which happened with vanishing irregularity as all the associated costs skyrocketed in the 2000s. all the other time was spent driving in circles looking for parking, only to balk at how expensive it was. spent stuck in traffic for hours, amid concrete dunes of overpasses tangled with one another like a four-year-old's first try at tying their own shoes. spent angrily judging the poor driving conduct of other people, spent resenting anyone and everyone who inconvenienced their drive, spent rubbernecking at horrific accidents on the side of the road, spent worrying about car payments and insurance payments and how much it's gonna cost to get a tune-up, and then someone breaks in and steals all your stuff and your insurance doesn't want to pay for it, and then you get into an accident and you spend months haggling with your insurance and their insurance in the hopes that someone will maybe pay for the debt you've had to take on in getting your car repaired, because of course professional life doesn't take a break just because your mode of transportation got totaled.
and if i was applying for a job and the employer found out i didn't have a car, i was denied on the spot. i learned very quickly to lie about such things as often as possible. but i also learned that i could only bluff for so long before the lack of a car became a genuinely insurmountable hurdle. which fucked me up tremendously because at no point in my adult life, to this day, can i ever imagine being able to afford all the associated costs of having a car. in many respects, not having a car was the only reason i was able to survive the way i did. it meant i could work part-time while i was in school (with student loans making up the shortfall), share an apartment with two or three or four other people, and just barely have enough to eat the bare minimum and go see a movie sometimes. of course i wanted the freedom all my car-owning friends had, but mostly i wanted it so i could drive out into the middle of nowhere at night and be truly alone. i wanted a car so that i could escape from the frictional sandpaper bureaucracy of american existence... and i knew from experience by then that that's simply not how the world works.
it took me until 2020 to finally move to seattle, one of those mythical Big Cities with Actually Existing Public Transit. and holy shit, it's a revelation! i have better access the place where i live now than i ever have, and it's a freedom that costs SO MUCH LESS than the same would've cost me back home. but i've also lived here long enough now to see all the ways in which our transit system here is deeply flawed and run by the wrong people. i see many of the same forces at play here as i did back home. i see now how car owners and allies to the car dealership fiefdoms of the nation utilize car ownership and road maintenance as a tremendous lever of power. they've deliberately trapped us in this cycle of poverty and personal transportation reliance, and used the money they got from us buying their cars to then buy politicians so that they defund public transit and oppose any urbanist reforms. did you know that much of america used to be covered by street cars and rail lines? if you live in the midwest or on the west coast, your town very likely only exists the way it does because of mass public transit. they were necessary for bringing people into these remote places to create new markets for wealth extraction. once the population in those places was stable, and mass-produced personal vehicles became the norm, the capitalists of those areas deliberately allowed the transit networks to "go bankrupt" (ie they pretended transit is a business and not a utility that pretty much by definition can't turn a profit in a traditional manner) so they could be bought up and liquidated by future car dealers. this is what i think of when i remember my family telling me "that's just not the way the world works."
why? it used to be the way the world worked. why can't it be again? if the current status quo is the result of choices that created economic pressures which shaped the nature of society, why can't we do the same thing again but different? the way things are now is sick. it's unhealthy. the vast majority of microplastics come from car rubber, and what socioeconomic classes do you think are mostly likely to live close to high-traffic roads? it's not rich people, i'll tell you that. it's not the car dealers or the small city councils worried that a bus connection might bring the poors in. when i say "car owners need to be oppressed" i'm talking about these people. suburban supremacist dictators and their sycophantic liege lords whose biggest priorities in life are to keep gas prices low and to maintain their god-given right to never having to see a poor person. i hate these people because i've been sneered at by them my whole life, while they have been personally responsible for many of the same socioeconomic conditions which resulted in the deaths of both my parents, along with many other members of my extended family. i've long since stopped believing in the idea of "death by natural causes." only the rich live long enough to die old. the rest of us die by a thousand cuts borne of neglect. our healthcare is gatekept, our education is gatekept, our transportation is gatekept. freedom is a thing to be bought, and when you don't have money, the next best thing is your blood. you give it up for a piece of something and you convince yourself that it's enough for you. but it is only a piece, and its apportionment is the result of greed and avarice happening in broad daylight all around us. i fully believe that a genuine war will need to be waged against the car barons before this horrendous now can be toppled, and it will be a war because they are aligned with the cops and with capital. this, too, is a microcosm, and in it we see the nature of our struggle for socialism unburdened by neoliberal word salad.
people have made the world this way. and people will make it something else.
#sarahposts#car culture#public transit#capitalism#late stage capitalism#classism#sorry this one got a little personal#you know me
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weird girl!kook
weird girl!kook is a social outcast amongst her fellow kooks; they didnât her strange and offputting for her macabre paintings
she loves people watching; it helps her gain inspiration for new paintings, and itâs fun. it gives her an insight on the lives of kildareâs âeliteâ
her parents are both artists, so she loves to joke that she never stood a chance. one of her mothers works with charcoal and the other is a sculptor so she was surrounded by the limitless potential of expression through art since before she could talk
has two ferrets named âasukaâ and âshinjiâ and theyâre her babies. if theyâre not rolling around on her bed theyâre fighting and sheâs constantly having to break them up
she does not have many non artist friends and even her non artist friends are a little artsy in their own way (ie; kiara)
knew of jj before officially meeting at midsummers. she was intrigued by the party animal front he puts up in front of everyone that barely masks his cruelty
wanted to drop out of kildare private academy and focus on her art but her parents convinced her to stay and graduate so she could at least her her high school diploma and when that didnât work, access to their art supplies
smokes like a fucking chimney. not weed mind you, though she does get her stash from the mainland, cigarettes. she says it helps her think and that itâs good for stress but really she just likes the smell
weird girl!kook finds herself inexplicably drawn to jj after their midsummers meeting. she wants to get to know him but doesnât want to seem desperate or like a school girl with a crush but her asking around about him isnât helping
when he corners her asks her about it, she says itâs purely artistic curiosity, he has a good face and she would like to paint him. this inflates his ego to the gods so of course she has to humble him every so often
their painting sessions are something they both end up looking forward to though admittedly they had a rocky start
âwhy are you naked?â
he smirks at her blatant disgust, âarenât you gonna draw me like one of your french girls?â
she rolls her eyes and begins packing up her materials. he frowns. âwoah what are you doing?â
âif youâre not gonna take this seriously you can go. i can find someone else.â
he picks up his shirt from the floor and covers his lower half. heâs in front of her in mere seconds when she turns back from pack.
he grabs her arm, âhey hey hey okay wait thereâs no need for that. iâm sorry.â she looks at him, trying to gage if heâs genuine. she looks down at his hand on her arm, he lets go.
âsorry.â he scratches his head awkwardly, she takes note of this too.
âyou said that already.â
his cheeks flush at her bluntness, âyeah um sorry. sorry.â his face somehow grows pinker.
âyouâre good.â she unpacks her paints and looks back at him, âwell get dressed weâve got work to do.â
he grins, âyes maâam.â
she looks down at the arm he grabbed. goosebumps
often home alone because he mothers go to the mainland to sell their art as a kid she hated it but now sheâs thankful she doesnât have to explain why the infamous jackson genrette is sneaking out her room at 8 am
surprisingly not a lightweight, jj finds out the hard way when he tries to challenge her to a drinking game. she knew he was trying to get her drunk to fuck her so of course she hustled him, pretending not to know the rules and struggle in the first round only to kick his ass in the second, third, and fourth round. she ends up carrying him back to hers
her colorful outfits and makeup makes her stand out more than anything but she refuses to change it despite the drawbacks (being perceived) itâs how she expresses herself outside of her art
she hates being the center of attention but loves receiving praise for her art, this double edged sword always strikes when she offers to paint sets and props for school plays. she ends up the talk of the school for a month before she happily goes back to being the outcast
weird!girl!kook doesnât realize she likes jj until he pulls up to her house in his motorcycle on one of their non-meeting days. he tells her to get dressed cause he just wanted to see her. he convinces her to take him up to the roof so they can look at the stars. he points out every constellation he can find and tells her about his mom teaching him all about them. itâs the softest and most genuine sheâs ever seen him
thinks rafe is weird and sketchy but understands why him and jj are friends. rafe thinks sheâs weird and sketchy but knows sheâs exactly jjâs type. they get along for his sake
has jj saved as âmy museâ in her phone. jj has her saved as âsexy da vinciâ before he gets serious about her and âeye of the beholderâ after they start dating
no one understands how or why theyâre together because theyâre so different and they donât seem to like each other, at least thatâs what it looks like to outsiders. they still havenât gotten over that time she called him a dirty dog after he asked her to put her cigarette out on him while he was drunk (she did)
weird!girl!kook who hopes to leave outer banks share her art with the rest of the world and secretly hopes jj will come along
âââââââââââââââââââââââââ
this took me a minute cause it was not planned but as always tell me what you thought, positive or negative just keep it classy. <3
(i wonder if anyone will catch the iwtv inspo)
#weird girl!kook#jj maybank x black reader#obx black oc#weird!girl!kook#jj maybank x black!reader#outer banks moodboard
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I completely agree with you. While I haven't read To Kill a Mockingbird(I haven't read a lot of classics), I really love seeing how other people perceive the world so I do think authors should be given a chance to show their perspective and understanding of how they see the people around them being brutalized solely based on their race and the people who do the brutalizing.
Yes, the N-word is undeniably offensive, but its inclusion in the book isnât gratuitous; it serves a purpose.
The reason why many people were displeased by the author of Storm & Silence using a slur was because his stories rarely address racism. Seeing how Karim, a man from India, was one of the main reoccurring character, I had hoped there might've been some heavy topic surrounding how people treat(I know it's a Wattpad book but stillđ). Yes people called him a brute, savage, made him sleep in the stable, etc. but as an Indian myself, I have heard how many English people treated Indians. I guess because Karim was Rikkard's bodyguard no one dared to say anything too much.
The use of the n word felt out of place and unnecessary in this series. I'm sure people would've still been outraged about it even if the author constantly addressed it. I also feel people would not have liked it if he constantly addressed it because "it's too political for a Wattpad book". Either way the author would've been seen as the bad guy because people always feel the need to put some sort of blame onto to someoneđ
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When he addressed why he used the slur, he said it was for historical accuracy. That made me angry because even if he says he wants historical accuracy, there are many times where his writing contradicts that.
I wonder, does your stance apply only to works on Wattpad, or does it extend to all forms of literature?
I'm honestly not sure how I feel about this. Like I said in the beginning, authors should be allowed to express their view(they should also be aware that there will be criticism no matter what), but there definitely is a difference with stories published on Wattpad.
While it's a platform that allows anyone to publish, it is very much a social media. Many people are able to interact with each other, which includes the author. If you publish on Wattpad, you are most definitely more exposed to other peoples opinions. Other readers also get easy and instant access to these opinions.
Something you might find offensive is not something that will offend others. But once you express that it offended you and others see that, they get offended for you. Eventually it becomes a hate-train where they berate the author saying "you have offended this one person so you are bad". It was probably never purposeful on the authors side, but once people form an opinion of the author, it stays.
I understand that Wattpad allows authors creative liberties and is positioned more as entertainment than as a critical engagement with historical issues. And that's what you disagree with? That Wattpad authors may not always intend to educate or provoke critical thought, whereas canonical literature often seeks to do that?
I'm not much of a writer, but I grew up reading on Wattpad and learned to write as I pleased. It definitely taught me to improve my imagination and creativity. To many young people who read original stories on these platforms are sure to think of these stories as more than just entertainment, but because others see it as a silly and unprofessional platform, it discourages the readers from engaging with it as anything but entertainment. I find it annoying because I've read many original stories that I really loved and wanted my friends to read it too.
I come from a somewhat conservative religious community and there was a lot a things I didn't know about the world. I've only interacted with my classmates and family for most of my childhood and having access to Wattpad other than just published physical books, which I could only discuss with few people, I got to see more and learn more. If I didn't have Wattpad, I don't think I would be as open-minded as I am today.
Many authors publish on Wattpad with the intention of sharing their stories and in many ways they teach a lot of people something new.
I understand the desire to protect young readers from harm, but I worry that in shielding them from uncomfortable realities, weâre doing more harm than good.
I agree with this too. Currently, the US is in the process of getting many books banned for the most dumbest reasons. They always find some reason to remove books from the shelves saying "It's to protect the children". I've read a lot of uncomfortable topics when I was young but it also taught me somewhat of how the world works. If we're not exposed to these stories, no one will learn how to interact with other people or why some people feel the way they do about certain topics.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It was nice to understand how differently you saw that situation. I hadn't given it much thought because I wasn't aware of it until I read about it on tumblr. I saw how many people were outraged and I understood them too. I guess I agreed with them because I didn't fully understand why it hurt them and wanted to support their feelingsđ
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One thing I'll never get over is how Storm & Silence could've easily been so much better if Rob Their(the author) wasn't afraid to actually write a compelling story.
Don't get me wrong, I adore the whole concept of '19 year old Victorian girl dresses up as a man to get a job'. But it's just so poorly written that I think about all the ways the story could be better when I'm in the bus going home from college.
I mean, that's how it is with books, they will be criticized no matter how good or how bad it may be. But then again, this is a Wattpad book. You can never expect too much from a Wattpad book. Every character feels very two dimensional after the first book that every other book after that is just plain fan-service.
The first book is genuinely good, except for the hyper feminist way Lilly is written to be. The author doesn't even bother to add conflict between any of the characters. The ONLY conflict that we ever get is Lilly arguing with Rikkard how she's capable of anything even if she's a women in every single book. It keeps going on and on like this that it just gets boring.
And the way Lilly's intelligence is suppressed makes me mad too. Like in book 3, she literally deciphers a map to find the treasure, but god forbid she recognizes her fiancĂŠ's(whether she likes him or not) initials on the waste disposal file and connect the dots on how he and her previous guy(I forgot his name) might've just disappeared. That right there could've been a good conflict. She recognizes the initials, realizes what Rikkard might've done, get angry and argue about not wanting him to interfere with it, then having to find an escape from her next fiancĂŠ and choosing to go out of town with Rikkard against her will instead of telling him why bcs she doesn't want a new waste disposal file.
Not to be mean, but the author is a man. At the end of the day, the way female characters are written by men will never be realistic. I know there might be real people out there like Lilly, but the way her "inner feminist"(I hate when she kept saying 'mY iNneR FemIniSt iS prOtEstiNg' stfu) is written truly makes me want to pull my hair out. It will never be same as writing a story from a women's perspective when you already know what it's like. I'm not saying that men are incapable of understanding the female experience, I'm saying that it's stupid and annoying when a man pretends he does.
Also the lack of historical accuracy boils my blood. Rob claims to have done thorough research on every historical details yet somehow Lilly and Rikkard goes on top of the Statue of Liberty despite the story taking place around 1840 and the statue starting its construction in 1876.
SNS was the last and final original story I've read on Wattpad. I really wish I could go back and keep myself away from that app and read an actual book. But it's the only place I could go to when I lost my sanity. Let me know how you feel about the book. I know there's barely anyone in the fandom, but please tell me your perspective.
P.S. can someone tell me where Rob used the slur. I read about many people talking about it but I cannot remember or recognize where it is.
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Texting in theory: communication with friends! So fun! Memes! Talk talk talk! â¤ď¸â¨
Texting in practice: Oh god I don't have the energy to reply right now, I'm currently in Task Mode not Talk Mode so there is currently no battery allocated for socializing atm. Oh it's been too long, do they think I hate them? If I reply will I have to stay engaged in conversation for a few seconds? Half an hour? How long will this conversation be? When is it okay to step away and do something else? Will they think I hate them if I go too long without responding again? I don't hate them, I love them, I need to figure out how to do this. What tone did they intend this in? How do I ask what tone they meant without coming across as rude? How can I respond in a way that cannot possibly be construed as passive aggressive/rude/dismissive? I want to stay engaged with the task I'm doing, I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I really really enjoy it when I'm in the right "Mode" but each notification feels like an obligation. Why does this feel like a chore? I like talking to my friends, why doesn't it feel like talking to my friends? Why do I feel trapped? Why do I avoid people I love? Oftentimes I'm not even "doing" anything when I don't respond, I'm just in "non social" mode. Even if I know I'll enjoy talking once I get started every unopened message feels like a burden. I shouldn't see texts from people I love this way, I should be happy, they want to talk to me and they love me. Why can't I just be normal about this, why can't I stop avoiding every damn thing?
#i'm too autistic for this#I hate that i do this!!! people love me and want to talk to me!!! i wish I wanted to text!!!#i don't!!!#and phone calls also suck??? i feel trapped for some reason???#how do i get over this this has been a problem since i got a phone on hs forever ago lmao#actually autistic#autistic#autism#autism help#text anxiety#texting anxiety#social anxiety#i hate that i ignore things#actually avoidant#i think i may have avpd??? idk tho#i have avoidant traits#but idk if it's enough to actually get dx'd#avoidance#avoidant attachment#avoidance issues#avpd#possibly avpd#questioning avpd#even if I'm not fully avpd i think that there's enough overlap that avpd tools may help????#idfk#i hate being perceived but i want it more than anything#fear of being known
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Interesting. Donât necessarily think Iâm autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and Iâm not sure what that is.
#Iâm not even sure if the ADHD is actually ADHD either or if itâs just technology addiction#Gonna get a REAL neuropsych evaluation at some point out of sheer curiosity as to what the fuck is wrong with me#I relate to a lot of autistic things and I relate to a lot of ADHD things; but I donât entirely relate to the majority of either population#and I donât relate to people with both enough to think I have both#Iâve begun treating myself as if I am autistic just for Kicks and using things that help them and itâs helping in some ways#but I know itâs probably not autism because even though I struggle socially; itâs not because of the same reasons#I understand social cues; I was only accidentally perceived as rude as a kid (and most kids are kind of blunt)#(Mostly a moderate amount of âStop correcting me! Itâs disrespectful!â from my parents)#And nowadays because of how much psychology and acting I study; I can perceive shrimp social cues#And Iâm purposefully doing all the right things but it still feels like I fail social interactions because of my lack of assertiveness#which I KNOW come from being raised in a cult#so perhaps my odd social behavior is from CPTSD from being raised in a puritan doomsday cult as an only child#Because I was NOT introverted or sensitive to others as a child#I did not have routines as a child and the ones I did have were for fun and did not distress me if I strayed from them#But now I need structure as an adult because I donât know what else to do with myself if I have nowhere to be#But at the same time everyone feels worse when they have no routine or expectations#And is it actually inattentive ADHD or severe derealization and an itch to do as many things as possible#because I spent my childhood being raised in a boring doomsday cult by disabled older parents who couldnât physically do much?#(And I donât fault my parents for being disabled but I do fault them for the whole doomsday cult thing)#So I spent my whole childhood doing mentally tedious things when really Iâm more wired for physically spontaneous things#Because I was not allowed to walk around the neighborhood alone until I was sixteen#And I couldnât hang out with friends I wanted to hang out with because they were bad association#So of course I got really good at drawing even though I donât even like drawing that much#Of course I got really good at writing even though I donât like writing that much#Now that I donât need to escape from anything I find I actually hate drawing and writing because itâs such a chore#they make my heart rate accelerate in a way I donât like to feel#(I hate writing less than drawing)
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:/
#incapable of seeing people and not crying after it seems!!!!!! Iâm glad that I get time alone but now Iâm Super Alone again which.#I am just tired. of being alone all the time! not having friends around! not seeing people! being ignored!#and just like. Iâm tired of being so good at everything else in my life except for having relationships and having my shit together#but then not being able to figure out how to find friends or make anyone interested in me or whatever#like I donât really even want to date someone except for the fact that it would make me less lonely!#and itâs also just so ridiculous bc like. idk. I just have no idea how to even like put out into the world that I would like to be seen!#and seen as someone who is attractive! and wants to have friends! just. god. they should make a being in ur 20s that doesnât make u sad.#like I donât hate being fat in the same way as I used to but I do know my life would be easier if I was skinny. and I would be like pretty#or whatever! just. ugh. it doesnât help that Iâm not perceived as like anything other than woman half the time either. I need. a hug.#and more friends I can talk to who arenât dating each other. I have those but they donât. talk to me.#so itâs. whatever#roxy talks
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thanks for answering everyone that helps a lot oTL
#i woke up today with the worst sense of... idk how to call it... damnation... divine punishment... being cast out of eden#not bc of anything in particular. i may have been consuming significantly more caffeine than usual for school though.#im not afraid of being perceived like ppl think i am?? but i AM afraid of... being unwanted... and not knowing it#acting incorrectly and having people dislike me for it#u_u id rather people tell me to my face that they hate me than try and put up with me when they dont want to#i still have a splitting headache and i want to lay down and cry more (i can cry again!) but i feel better#yap#so uh... cringe! but thanks again
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sometimes i think about my spn oc and how i rewrote everything about amara to interact with the story i was trying to tell about her. there were some really neat ideas in that i need to recycle for something one day. like, in the show proper, they just let amara take over a human baby and thatâs fine, but amaraâs not Meant To Be Here. this entire universe is one constructed in her absence. saying she can possess a human body should be like saying if you took a person and sent them to a universe where 1+1=3, they could just figure out how to function within that.
which in story took the form of Amara being something that could not be Understood, only Rationalized. a force locked outside the narrative who could only get inside and destroy things if given a role within it. by the Winchesters as A Monster To Face. by Chuck as Wayward, Unreachable Sister. and by miss oc as. simultaneously a projected creature to be saved, an amalgamation of injustices done to herself (and others) that would never be righted but could be made up for by being a part of this. and as something impossibly powerful that could be both protection and purpose.
and the Darkness wasnât any of those things, really, but to have agency in her own story required new shackles, but ones she was always straining against. she wouldnât fit inside the confines of a human mind, let alone a body, at least not well enough to leave it Intact. like lucifer burning through nick, but Worse. because the burns were an expected outcome of skin not strong enough to hold him. humans were built for angels, some were built better and some worse, but theyâre meant to work. putting amara in human skin should disconnect the skin and mind and soul from the reality her brother built itself, i think. slowly. bit by bit.
and at the same time, iâd gone and written the kind of wild scenario you really can only write for your thirteen year old mary sue, given that spn oc the part of herald/high priestess/failed vessel. which she pursued with wild abandon like that would fix anything wrong with her <3
in the end, running alongside the borrowed family theming of the original show was my own theme of âhow much self-annihilation will you accept to make your point. are you accepting it, really. or are you seeking it.â not just physically, in letting something unmake the base components of what you are as it tries to fit inside you or in it constricting and suffocating itself beyond self-recognition to get inside in the first place, but, obviously, itâs supernatural, how much selfhood do you cede to your family. is it worth it.
it was interesting, if nothing else. let thirteen year old me cook. she had ideas.
#spn oc#donât mind this iâm rambling about nothing i felt nostalgic about her (<- my oc)#there was also an explanation in the mix for why amara was called amara in this au too despite. you know. not being a baby.#and it was like. a vesselâs desperate attempt to separate itself from the thing inside it by naming it something other than itself.#like a last moment of self-preservation. the opposite of lucifer using nickâs face and us all agreeing to think of it as his. you know?#and amara means beauty.#itâs a very human need. to name things. and the thing is that humanity itself is antithetical to what amara is. in this au.#not because of any inherent quality of it. but because it was not made with her in mind.#i keep bringing up lucifer but heâs such a good comparison case of what thirteen year old me was trying to construct here#and what i can better explain now that im. not thirteen. but its that. lucifer has beef with humans because they have common ground.#the only reason he can hate them is because theyâre recognizable to him. terrible little cockroaches. but something he understands.#amara as i conceived of her could not hate or love or understand humanity. or the world. or anything as we know it. because it was not made#to be seen by her. it was made with the express purpose of her never encountering it.#when i was thirteen i wanted her to be so much more alien than she was. unfortunately this is supernatural and supernatural deals in#Just Some Guy forever and ever <3#but it was my story so i made her fucked up and weird and beyond comprehension.#except. of course. when forced to bend into a shape that makes her Not her.#i donât think proper envesseling would have been a process either her or the oc survived. not because theyâd die but because theyâd get.#stuck? i think? that was what the intent was. that theyâd get melted together like plastic toys.#chuck had a nice smooth envesseling in this au because these toys are made for him.#and angels need consent and angels get bleedover from their vessels because the toys are shared with them but theyâre closer to being toys#themselves too.#iâve rambled enough honestly no one cares about this but me aksjfkjfks#what was i talking about. right! the naming!#the naming of amara is a nail in her coffin because she is named and it is so human to be named and to be perceived and to be shaped by that#perception. even without malicious intent. even to be looked at as destruction itself and be named beauty.#in the same way you kill what something could be by learning what it is. the way a unicorn dies when you discover how rhinos were drawn.#does that make sense? thatâs what kills her. bit by bit.
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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two girls have been talking shit about me at school because of how much i hadn't gone to school this year ( i barely had the motivation to live ) and got in a fight with my friend who wanted to defend me.
#â text#i hate people who think they can take care of other people's lives.#like. okay you dont agree with what ive done but its no crime and you can just not say anything about it.#i tried to tell my friend not to get in a fight but i guess she really is the type to defend her friends to the end. i should thank her more#than i already did today#this makes me want to not go to school again.#i hate being perceived by people irl aside from people who i think of important to me.
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#itâs sad self-dysphoria hours for bee rn#and spoiler#i am not having a good time#but also iâm having Realizations and whatnot#and the biggest one is if iâm so bummed about the way i look i can definitely change it#and that putting effort in my appearance isnât inherently vain#as much as i gaslight myself into thinking that way#also iâm still mad/frustrated at how it takes effort for me to be healthy#and a large part of me doesnât want to put in said work thinking it wonât do anything#but my joy has to be worth something right?#right?#so if i bite the bullet and work out and eat healthier and drink less coffee my body will thank me#i just hate being perceived i hate being seen trying i hate sucking at stuff and having everyone watch me suck#but i need to get the shit done bc otherwise iâll be hating myself in this body forever and no one wants that#least of all me#i mean i think younger me wouldnât be disappointed to see me now#but that doesnât mean she wasnât hoping someone whoâs ate least more mentally stable than this#and all this is just exhausting#bc i also think everyone else has it so much easier than me and iâm not actually depressed/neurodivergent#iâm just lazy etc etc which#kinda is a moot point bc either way#bc whichever reason i have to be Like This iâm still Sad about it
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You through their eyes
This reading is written in first person / from the POV of the person youâre enquiring about. I tried to keep the text as neutral as possible so that anyone could relate to it. This can apply to any type of romantic connection, whether you are in contact with this person or not. It can be a past person or a future person.
Group 1 - Deer
Cards : 4 of wands, King of pentacles, 9 of pentacles, ace of wands, 2 of swords, 6 of swords
Right from the moment our eyes met, I knew. I knew that you had my heart wrapped around your finger. I knew that you were the one. As soon as I saw you, I felt the urge to ask for your hand. To claim you as my forever person. My ride or die. I knew that I wanted to have a home with you. That I wanted to build a legacy with you. I knew that you were the one. That you had it all. The good looks, the brains, the strength to keep up with me through thick and thin. I knew that I couldnât get rid of you even if I wanted to. That no matter how hard Iâd try I could never forget you nor get you out of my system. You were just engraved in me like a tattoo on my skin meant to remind me of my truth : that I was meant to be yours just as much as you were meant to be mine. That true love is real and is in the shape of you. I knew that I had to have you right away. And by God did I want you. I craved you more than I could ever fathom and it scared me. I never wanted anyone so bad. The reactions you birthed in me my love, were so sweet and addictive I feared I couldnât hold myself back if I were to cross the line. I didnât want you to hate me. Itâs just visceral. The way you get me. The way you come under my skin and tease me. The way you look at me with those innocent eyes of yours. Those beautiful orbs that I drowned myself in. How your lips tremble at the vulnerability of your unexpressed emotions. How your tongue slips through your lips when you get nervous. How soft your tone is whenever you are around me. God, you make me crazy. Right from the start I was stuck in a dilemma. Fighting with my head and my heart, trying to figure out which way to go, what the hell to do to get to you without hurting nor scaring you. How to live on knowing that I couldnât have you. Knowing that I would have to stay away from you. The moment our gazes embraced each other, you had my fate in your hands and my heart held hostage. And I wouldnât have had it any other way. I tried to move on and shield both of us from the hurt this could provoke. But being away from you is nearly impossible. Youâre as essential to me as the air I breathe. Every minute I am reminded of you. When I met you, I knew I had to do right by you or you wouldnât let me in. It was obvious that you were well educated and mature enough to cut me off if I ever tried anything you deemed as wrong. It was obvious that you didnât need me and were doing very well on your own. That you could have anything and anyone you wanted at the snap of your fingers. But I just couldnât ignore you. Something about you called to me and made me want to pursue you like no other, no matter how you could have perceived me, no matter if people thought I was a fool. I wanted to take the risk and chase you because a part of me was convinced I would never get the chance to see you again if I didnât.
Confirmation signs : Taurus, Aries, Gemini, rainbows, important bodies of water such as rivers and seas, long distance connections, feeling like youâre the yin to the otherâs yang, number 14, Sagittarius, Jupiter, travels, sunsets and sunrises â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨
Group 2 Tree
Cards : ace of pentacles, tower, 10 of cups, 6 of cups, knight of cups, king of swords
You came into my life at the perfect timing. Like a breath of fresh air in the middle of a storm I didnât realise I was stuck in until you arrived. And boy did you make some noise. You were like thunder. I was immediately electrified. You uprooted everything and anything I thought I knew. You completely changed the course of my life and to this days I still believe that is for the better. Ever since I met you I have never felt so happy and fulfilled. My life feels like a dream. You were so beautiful and pure it was impossible not to love you. You took my hand ever so gently, offered your help and guidance without expecting anything in return. You kept giving and giving, surrounding me with your warm and loving embrace I just felt so good. You are an angel, a miracle that I still canât believe I met. I feel so lucky to have you by my side love. So happy. My love for you was already strong and kept growing as I got to know you. I was in awe with your soft demeanour, your tender touch, your caring approach and empathy for others. You were like royalty. So radiant and calm that for a mere second I thought I was in Heaven. Such a wonderful being like you surely cannot be real, I thought. But you are as real as the coin in my pocket and I was the one lucky enough to have you in my life. Can you believe that? To me you were like a life line. I didnât know I was drowning until you took my hand and pulled me out of the mess I was in. I donât know how you did it nor how you saw so clearly what I couldnât but I am so grateful you did. Never once did you judge me nor hurt me. Never once did you question me nor doubt my essence. You kept supporting me and loving me even at my worst. When I couldnât give you what you wanted you looked for it out on your own and patiently waited for me to catch up. When my heart was guarded and in pain, you cautiously weaved your way through the cracks of my armour and helped me heal. You soothed my fears and mended my wounds with such grace and humbleness that I fell in love harder than before. Your tender heart got the best of my reserved nature. The more time goes by and the more I think God sent you to lift me up. You are Heavensent. You are my other half the one Iâve been missing for so long. With you by my side I feel at peace, finally. I fell in love with your romantic side and your pure good willed heart. With your little dances whenever youâre happy and how you hum to our favorite songs to make yourself comfortable. How you bake in the kitchen with that little smile on your face, thinking I donât see you. How you so effortlessly get me every time, even though I try my best to shut you out. You never give up on me though I am hard on you sometimes.
Confirmation signs : water signs especially Scorpio, letter K, meeting by the river, love at first sight, believing in soulmates, late night conversations, spiritual ramblings, water lilies and butterflies
â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨â¨
Group 3 - Daisies
Cards : The World, 7 of swords, 7 of cups, page of wands, 4 of wands, Death
You were so different than me that at first I felt like we were miles away from each other and had nothing in common. You seemed like the world was laying at your feet yet you wanted none of it. You seemed dangerous and so bad for my health and peace of mind. Yet, I couldnât help but feel drawn to you. You were so mysterious, so intense that I had to dig further, dive deeper. You were so intriguing and in your presence it felt like the world was opening before me and my options were suddenly much better. I felt braver, more optimistic, successful. It felt like with you by my side I could conquer the world. You were so smooth, so supportive. So sensual and strong I felt so little next to you. There was a depth to you I couldnât explain. An air of someone that was wiser than what they let on. Someone that had been through hell and rose out of it without a scratch. You were so precious and powerful. I had to have you. I thought my minds were playing tricks on me when you told me âI love youâ. I didnât think someone like you would want someone like me. I felt like a scam. However you didnât seem to care. You kept moving on expecting for me to follow you and I did. You never once looked back because you knew. You knew I wouldnât let you down. Itâs like you could predict my every move and saw right through me. I was mesmerised by you. Bewitched. I felt like a clown but I couldnât help but to love the feeling. You made me want to be more and expand in ways I never thought possible. You triggered a passion I didnât know I possessed. Suddenly I was getting jealous imagining that someone else could have you and that made me furious. I would have done anything for you. I still would. God you make me crazy with how much I want you. I desired you so strongly I thought I was possessed. At some point I even thought you were manipulating me. I felt trapped and like I had no other option but to be yours. And then I gave in and realised there was no point in fighting this feeling. The more I fought and tried to repress my desire the harder I fell. You were so beau and I felt like a frog trying to hang out with a Queen. I felt so ridiculous. But in my heart I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with you, until my last breath. Because at the end of the day, thatâs what I wanted and I wouldnât have it any other way. I would chase you around the Earth if I had to if that meant being by your side. You are my muse.
Confirmation signs : fixed signs especially Scorpio, number 7, letter S, song All of me, cultural differences, beauty and the beast trope, red roses, ennemies to lovers trope
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My Eyes on You
Monstertober 2024 - day 10 + 14 [ Tentacles + Eyes everywhere ] by @ozzgin
[ yandere m!monster x fem!reader ]
tw: dubcon (but ends in a silly way) , yandere behaviour
Ever since you approached him to ask for directions, he couldn't stop thinking about you. You probably thought he was just a harmless, lanky teen boy with a hoody on. People usually mistake him for such a human at night. He followed you home, to your work place, sat behind you at restaurants. But he didn't dare approach you. Not yet.
His detachable eyes are quite handy. They would sneak into your purse or a pocket and sneak peaks at your surroundings. Once, one of his eyes managed to sneak into your apartment so he was able to look at you sleep and shower. He masturbated behind your building until he almost fainted. The sticky pool around his legs was so embarrassing. If his eyes hadn't been becoming too dry and painful, he would have left it inside forever. He enjoyed those two days watching you more than anything.
He still didn't dare approach you, but he hated those who could. How dares he open the door for you! That disgusting perv looked at your ass while you were looking for a paper in a drawer! And that girl asked you out! He had to take care of them. Only he should be allowed to perceive your beauty.
And all it took was to approach them, when they were alone, and open all of his eyes. That usually messed everyone's minds for a long time if not forever.
One time, he heard you mention how all of your friends grew distant and you were lonely. You wanted to meet someone new and date. He knew his time has come.
The very same night, you are awaken by very gentle caresses. At first you thought you were lucid dreaming, but then someone's breath brushed your cheek. You opened your eyes and screamed, terrified by a slender black figure next to your bed. But your voice was quickly silenced by something smooth and strong wrapping around your neck and jaw.
"Shh, my love," he whispered and sat on your bed. "I'm here to be your new boyfriend."
Your body is swallowed by a swarm of black tentacles, and they wrap around you. Some of thinner ones crawl under your pajamas, tentatively touching your skin.
"My... boyfriend? Who are you?"
"Don't worry about my name. I will introduce myself later. Now, please, stay still, I wanted this for such a long time."
It is fairly dark in your room, but you're able to see as he undresses his baggy clothes and reveals his slim and boney figure, covered in eyes. Not tattoos though - real eyes big and small. They float around and look at you without blinking. Tentacles become more bold. Soon they brush against your pussy and the intruder moans.
"Finally! Finally I can mark your beautiful body! Now I can - ahhh!"
The tentacles spasm, once, twice, and you're covered with sticky material. Are those... his dicks? You are shocked, unable to speak. You want to ask questions, shout, curse. But you are also very curious and... impressed.
Stranger immediately withdraws all his tentacles and eyes and covers himself with his hoody. "FUCK! I'm sorry. I'm so pathetic!"
You scratch your head awkwardly. You weren't expecting you'll comfort a monster that broke into your house and tried to... well, tried something. But, six months later, you fixed your early relationship problems and now you're enjoying being a pampered stay-at-home-girlfriend. And you accepted that you're going to be watched and fucked by tentacles for many many more years. Probably forever.
#monstertober#monstertober 24#monster#monster lover#monster fucker#monster fuqqer#monster fudger#monster smut#monster imagine#tentacle kink#tentacles#yandere boyfriend#yandere monster#monster x fem!reader#monster x reader#monster x human#teratophillia#exophelia#slightlyknotinsane#ski.doc#ski.monstertober
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Insecurities - Rafayel
Summary: Here is the portion of Rafayel reacting to your insecurities. And you best know this man goes big to prove a point. Much fluff.
Here is the original with the other LADS boys
Word Count: 1831
Notes: Reader has insecurities about they way they look, so just keep in mind. It ends fluffy and happy though.
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âRafayel, do I look okay?â
The artist immediately drops whatever he was doing, twisting around to peer over the back of the couch as you step into the studio.
His iridescent eyes scan over your figure, his voice lilting with teasing affection, âIâm not sure I even want to go if this is what youâre wearing. I think everyone would think youâre the art and ignore my hard work.â
You wrinkle your nose. Partially because heâs being ridiculous. Partially because you donât really believe him. The dress is gorgeous of course, he did a great job of helping you pick one out, but it doesnât change the way youâve been feeling for the past few days.
Before you met Rafayel, you never paid much attention to how you looked. Not in a bad way, you kept yourself neat and dressed up whenever you went out for special occasions, but it was never on your mind much. But nowâŚYou donât know. Itâs not Rafayelâs fault, the man has never been shy in complimenting you, but you canât help but notice the type of women that like to approach him. All gorgeous enough to be models, with the confidence to match - seeing as they always have to gall to flirt with him even when youâre holding hands.
And you wish it didnât get to you. It shouldnât. Rafayel doesnât even bat an eyelash at them, always focusing on you or making more obvious shows of affection to chase them away. Still, the more it happens, the more you find yourself caring about how you look, or not liking the way you look.Â
And wearing a lovely dress only seems to highlight your self-perceived flaws.
âDo you really think it looks okay?â You ask again, fiddling with the satin self-consciously.Â
Rafayelâs brow furrows a little. He tilts his head, looking almost like a confused puppy, âWhat is it? Do you not like the dress? Do you not want to go anymore? Please donât make me go alone. These galleries are sooo boring without you, I hate them.â
âTheyâre your galleries,â you point out, shaking your head with a small smile, âHow can you hate them so much? Itâs your work, they deserve to be celebrated.â
âWhy go stare at my own work when I can spend the night staring at you?â
Heat creeps up your cheeks. Usually youâd have a witty comeback to his flirting, but you canât find anything tonight, not with how youâre feeling. So you just ruffle his hair fondly, avoiding the intense affection in his gaze.
âCome on, Thomas will be mad if we donât show up. We need to go.â
Rafayelâs eyes narrow. Before you can pull away, he grabs your wrist, keeping you anchored to where you are. Your heart jumps to your throat at the serious expression he suddenly gives you.
âWhatâs wrong? Youâre acting strange.âÂ
Being an artist, Rafayel knows you, your face, your body, better than anyone. Heâs always looking at you, holding on to every new detail he finds. Like the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh. How the tip of your nose turns rosy when youâre even a little cold. Or how your lips twitch before you lie. Like they are now.
âIâm fine, Raffie, justâŚtired,â you sigh, tugging against his hold, still trying to avoid him, âNow come on, we should go.â
âHmmmmmâŚno.â
You squeak as Rafayel unexpectedly gives your wrist a sharp pull. The momentum sends you tumbling over the back of the couch, right into his lap, and before you can escape, he has you wrapped in his arms. Stuck.
âRafayel-! Let go of me,â you growl, squirming around hopelessly. The man is surprisingly strong, and with your feet still tossed over the back of the couch, you canât get enough leverage to escape.
âNope, not until you tell me whatâs wrong,â he hums, arms tightening around your waist.
You huff and give him a solid glare, âThis isnât funny, Rafayel.â
âAnd neither is hiding something thatâs obviously bothering you,â he snips back softly, âYouâre a horrible liar, miss bodyguard.â
âI justâŚâ You cross your arms, face feeling warmer and warmer the longer he stares at you. Why does he have to be so stubborn at times like this? âI havenât been feeling good about myself lately, okay? Thatâs it, now can we go?â
âNope.â You resist the urge to groan.
âThomas is going to throw a fit-â
âHe can handle it tonight, Iâll give him a bonus. Whatâs more important is fixing this.â Rafayel props his chin on your shoulder, a contemplative frown pulling at his lips. âItâll have to be something creative, which Iâm great at, of course. But what?â
âRafayel, this really isnât necessary,â you grumble, âI donât think itâs something you can fix.â
The artist shakes his head, pressing a faint kiss to your shoulder, âI think you underestimate me, cutie. But thatâs okay, I think I know exactly what to do.â
Lifting you up, Rafayel sets you back on the couch gingerly and darts off after giving you instructions to not move. A heavy sigh passes your lips as you fix your dress, though it seems a bit pointless now. It doesnât sound like youâll be going to the gallery.
A part of you is secretly relieved at that. You love looking at Rafayelâs work, but since itâs his gallery, all the attention would be on him, and, consequently, you as well. Itâs a bit suffocating. Still, youâre a little wary of whatever plan he has concocted. Rafayel is as unpredictable as he is talented.
Time seems to tick by slowly as you sit on the couch. You eye the clock, noting each minute as it passes by. Your nerves only continue to rise the longer youâre alone. What on earth is he doing?
On the tenth minute, Rafayel reappears, a mischievous spark in his eyes. He offers you a hand.
âThe gallery is ready for you to attend, cutie.â
This time, your eyes narrow, though you still take his hand, allowing him to help you up. âI thought you said we werenât going?â
âOh, this is a different kind of gallery,â he hums, looking quite proud of himself, âI think youâll enjoy this one a lot more. And Iâll be your personal tour guide.â
âHow kind,â you muse, fighting your own smile. You might as well humor him, even if it doesnât help. As long as Rafayel is happy, you can count the night as some kind of success.
Rafayel leads you to one of the spare rooms of the studios. You vaguely remember him telling you at some point that itâs a room he likes to keep his sketchbooks and unfinished projects in. You cast him a curious glance, but his eyes are set ahead as he touches the door, that smile still painted across his lips.
âThese works are some of the most important that Iâve ever done, and youâll be the first to see them. My heart rests in your hands tonight, so be careful, otherwise you might mortally wound me and Iâll never have the courage to paint again.â
You roll your eyes at his antics, about to make a sassy remark, but the words get lost when he presses the door open. Your eyes go wide at the sight before you.
The room is lit by candles, flickering with the flames of his evol. Their light dances across countless artworks spread across the room, hanging on every surface, each one depicting the same subject.
You.
Most of them are sketches, their strokes simple and spontaneous but laden with care, like he had wanted to capture a precious moment for himself. Thereâs one of you dozing off on the couch, another of you dancing in the kitchen. Thereâs even one of you holding a stuffy, from one of your many trips to the arcade.
The further you walk into the room, the more detailed the pieces become.Â
A charcoal drawing of you in your uniform, gun drawn on something off page. The lines of your body are like water, fluid and graceful, the look in your eyes somehow burning with a fierce determination.
An oil painting of the night you spent at the market. Your image is looking at a sparkler, the light reflected in your eyes like stars, your cheeks painted a soft rosy color that seems to glow. Itâs impossibly delicate, each stroke placed with such intention, itâs almost like youâre there again.
The final painting you come to make your face go warm again. Itâs of you, curled up under a familiar set of sheets, mostly focused on your face. Your hair pools against the pillow, messy yet somehow charming in its unruliness. The morning sunlight dapples across your skin, highlighting the soft color of your lips and the gentle curve of your smile. But itâs your eyes that really make your breath catch. You can practically see the sleepy fog in them, like you had just woken, but also the undeniable warmth. The love.
ItâsâŚbeautiful. Theyâre all beautiful. And theyâre all you.
âThis isâŚâ You swallow around the lump in your throat, suddenly feeling off-kilter. âI canât believe you did all of these.â
Rafayel, who had been following behind you silently, hums softly and curls his arms around your waist. You lean back into his touch, letting it ground you and your swirling emotions.
âItâs been difficult even focusing on my work for the gallery. Everything else seems to pale in comparison when I have such a beautiful muse in front of me all the time,â he murmurs the words against your temple, voice quiet to match the atmosphere of the room. âI could devote lifetimes to painting you and never grow tired of it.â
You bite back a bashful smile, unable to resist the urge to tease him a little, âI didnât realize I was so distracting.â
âJust ask Thomas. I think this is the most heâs ever had to remind me to finish my work,â Rafayel chuckles, giving your waist a squeeze. âBut it was worth the missed deadlines. Afterall, isnât it my responsibility as your employer and lover to make sure you understand how much I cherish you?â
Your heart flutters wildly as the brazen affection in his tone. It seems to melt away your doubts, replacing them with an overwhelming feeling of fondness for your artist. Only Rafayel would do something like this for you, how could you deny it?
Turning around in his hold, you lean up on your tiptoes and press a kiss to his cheek, which you notice is an absolutely rosy shade of red. It makes you feel even more fond. You really really love this man.
âThank you, my pretty fish. I feel much better now.â
That dazzling smile lights up his face again, and he leans down to scatter kisses all over your face, whispering between your bouts of giggles, âAnything for you, my queen.â
---
All the smooches. I love this man. I will die on the hill of using the nickname "fish" or "fishie" with him, I think it's soooo cute.
#lads rafayel x reader#lads rafayel#love and deepspace rafayel#rafayel x reader#x reader#reader insert#love and deepsace#love and deepspace x reader#love and deepspace reader insert#insecurity#fluffy ending#love and deepspace rafayel x reader
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A lot of people describe and give Nanami and Higuruma the same character traits and personalities and while I do think they are similar in terms of overworked and tired men in suits, I think they are very different. (This is all my own head cannons donât get mad at me)
Nanami, to me, at least is more quiet and reserved than Higuruma. He is more serious. Physically, heâs much more muscular and husky. As a partner I think he would be extremely protective and nurturing, always providing and nurturing. Although he is protective, I donât think it comes from a place of jealousy but of a place of not wanting to lose you. Getting angry with you for forgetting to lock the door or inviting someone in that he didnât know. I feel like he has very expensive and loud taste, I.e. the cowprint tie, the goggles, he has a very interesting style that has fun patterns and colors while still maintaining the mature and elevated appearance. I donât think Nanami has a casual bone in his body when it comes to his clothing. Maybe his idea of âcasualâ would be slacks and a short sleeve button up. If anything, pajamas would be his only outfit that isnât professional enough to wear to work. He just seems like the type of man to care about his appearance and always wanted to be perceived in a mature manner. I hate when people try to dress him in streetwear like that is not my man.
Higuruma is more sarcastic and goofy. I imagine him poking fun more than Nanami and having a very dry and sarcastic humor that a lot of people wouldnât get. To me, I always imagine him as being more tall and lanky rather than muscular. Long legs, long arms, long fingers, just long. And you know what they say about skinny guys đ As a partner I think he would be very romantic. I write him in my fics to be very dramatic about his love, like he would die if he couldnât have you. He seems very all or nothing. I think his taste is more simple than Nanamiâs. Wearing more classic suits and ties. I think Higuruma would dress much more casually than Nanami, even wearing jeans. Still very simple though, like denim, solid color tops and jackets that are well taken care of and styled. Maybe itâs the hair but I imagine him suiting a more âgreaserâ type aesthetic but with a classy twist like a silk white button up instead of a cuffed white short sleeve shirt.
I donât know why I wrote this but Iâve been thinking about their similarities and differences for a minute now and just had to share.
#jjk#jjk nanami#nanami kento#jujutsu kaisen#nanami x reader#nanamin#jujutsu kaisen higuruma#higuruma#higuruma hiromi#higuruma x reader
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People can hate on Chibnall's era all they want and while it's not without it's problems I will always defend it if ONLY for it's interpretation of gender in the change from 12 to 13.
I remember being so excited for Jodie, but also so scared as to how they were going to handle her characterization as the Doctor. While Moffat did okay with Missy in the end, her original introduction was dripping with stereotypes and changes in personality which in universe boiled down to she's a girl now lol. Because of this I feared the introduction of a hyperfeminine Doctor, reinforcing sexist stereotypes that men and women are fundamentally different in some ineffable way. I feared jokes about boobs and hair, I feared a weak Doctor who had to be saved by male companions, I worried there would be a lack of personality entirely, with Chibnall trying to play it safe and make her just a blank slate. Or that she would be a rehash of an old Doctor but GIRLY with nothing really distinct to her personality beyond that.
I did not at all expect what we got. Even if the writing is in general lower standards than us fans had come to expect, Chibnall's handling of the Doctor's sudden gender change is phenomenal and I will explain why.
Top 13th Doctor gender moments:
It is so obvious that from the Doctor's point of view, she hasn't really changed. She still perceives herself the same way and finds it hard to adjust to a view of herself as a woman and often uses masculine words to describe herself out of habit. She doesn't dislike being a woman! She's just forgetful! Her regeneration is not special because of the gender change, that's just a quirk alongside the other changes every Doctor goes through when they regenerate
The way she still dresses in a distinctly Doctorish way, and leans towards flamboyant but practical masculine outfits like her suit in Spyfall in contrast to Yaz's more feminine presentation in the same situations. (Yaz isn't even that feminine either. But her dresses and blouses compared to the Doctor really stand out.)
I love how the Doctor's gender doesn't change anything about her, only how other's view her. And mostly people still treat her with respect and as an authority figure. I feel like chibnall struck a good balance between not acknowledging the gender change at all vs hitting us over the head with it. There are episodes where her being a woman is detrimental and she expresses annoyance, there are others where it causes confusion, and there's some where it opens her up to new experiences like the wedding party with Yaz's nan! But ultimately it doesn't make a difference in the Doctor's day to day
The introduction of the Fugitive Doctor as a previous regeneration but also as a female doctor with a distinct personality from thirteen! We got a multi doctor story with two badass female doctors years before it should have been possible! I hate the timeless child thing but the fugitive doctor is my beloved. Props to Chibnall for seeing the hate and people going oooh but the doctor has always been a man and responding by going nope she's been a woman before and a black woman too fuck you. actually iconic. #Season6B btw. if you even care
Idk i just think Jodie really captured the Doctor really well, while still having a unique twist on it and her portrayal really reads as a genderfluid alien in a feminine body. Like oh cool this is new but ultimately it dont matter she still the doctor
#doctor who#thirteenth doctor#yasmin khan#fugitive doctor#thinkin bout doctor who and gender#jodie whittaker
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