#it’s sad self-dysphoria hours for bee rn
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#it’s sad self-dysphoria hours for bee rn#and spoiler#i am not having a good time#but also i’m having Realizations and whatnot#and the biggest one is if i’m so bummed about the way i look i can definitely change it#and that putting effort in my appearance isn’t inherently vain#as much as i gaslight myself into thinking that way#also i’m still mad/frustrated at how it takes effort for me to be healthy#and a large part of me doesn’t want to put in said work thinking it won’t do anything#but my joy has to be worth something right?#right?#so if i bite the bullet and work out and eat healthier and drink less coffee my body will thank me#i just hate being perceived i hate being seen trying i hate sucking at stuff and having everyone watch me suck#but i need to get the shit done bc otherwise i’ll be hating myself in this body forever and no one wants that#least of all me#i mean i think younger me wouldn’t be disappointed to see me now#but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t hoping someone who’s ate least more mentally stable than this#and all this is just exhausting#bc i also think everyone else has it so much easier than me and i’m not actually depressed/neurodivergent#i’m just lazy etc etc which#kinda is a moot point bc either way#bc whichever reason i have to be Like This i’m still Sad about it
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