#I’ve begun treating myself as if I am autistic just for Kicks and using things that help them and it’s helping in some ways

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.

[neurotic-knives]

Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood, The Story of Hali Naras

Beneath the cut is probably a very long story, detailing a lot of feelings and other things, including feelings, opinions, and experiences as told from my perspective. I will not be tagging certain people with whom I’ve since parted ways, both to prevent further conflict and spare them all the reminder that I exist within a shared space, especially as some have come to fear or are made uncomfortable by me for some reasons I wholly understand, but some that I still do not fully comprehend. For those people, if you see this post and choose to read it, I am thankful for the good times, and regret all the bad that has transpired despite them. I hope all involved here, friend or otherwise, can move on and enjoy Shadowbringers with nothing holding them back. I know that I will.

Near the end of Heavensward,

I returned to FFXIV after over a year of being gone. I didn’t leave of my own volition. I’d changed out my phone, and, with it, lost my authenticator. I had issues with customer service, then, and, instead of deactivating it like I had asked, they removed my payment info and said nothing more, essentially, as I put it “soft-banning” me from the game.

WoW had become a toxic place for me. The creativity and ideas that I had grown to love sharing with my friends had begun to be spurned due to several changes in leadership, some of whom were not used to my off-the-wall ideas and story arcs there. Combined with the rise of community groups like Failzeroth and the like, I had wound up seeing, as the Discord admin, that I was being talked about behind my back. People dithered on what to “do about [me]” because the ideas I had for my longest-running character, @titantechcorelyn, were viewed by the leadership at the time as “possible, but not probable” despite countless instances of proof in the lore, which I prided myself in knowing inside and out. I made the decision for them, and I left the game after getting sick of feeling like I was being swept under the rug.

At the time, my ex-girlfriend and roommate had a friend from work that we both got along with well who played FFXIV and got us both back into the game. After a couple of days trying again with customer service to get my account back, I was back in. Corelyn Rosefire, my main at the time, a Garlean defector who had long since taken refuge in Eorzea, was brought back into the spotlight, and I began trying to find RP again as I worked my way through the MSQ, preparing for the new Stormblood expansion.

Eventually, I reconnected with @danshadowsrp / @raptorswithlaszorz, who had been a fabulous and supportive friend for a very long time, since almost a decade ago when we met in WoW. He was the one who helped me ease into my transition and I owe finding my identity entirely to his help. He means a great deal to me, even though we don’t get to do much together these days.

Corelyn’s story moved forward slowly but steadily, and, eventually, I met Aegir, Bragi, and Araceli during a “Garlean Bar Crawl” RP. I eventually got Corelyn involved with their Garlean group, and a linkshell of Garleans at the time they were all part of. The frienship grew, and I began hanging out with them exclusively. They were great friends and I loved every moment we all spent together, hanging out and having fun.

Eventually, I was introduced the the Gold and Glory free company, which was still run by Jaliqai at the time, being a hunters’ guild full of Xaela and Miqo’te, yet that also played unwitting host to the “Not-Garleans,” Aegir, Bragi, and Araceli, as well as Araceli’s main, Lirilith. It was less than a few months in that Jaliqai decided the she no longer wished to run G&G, and passed leadership on to the Not-Garleans, who made a fantastic RP experience with their boundless creativity and inclusiveness. They invited me in, at that time, and I’d found my first real home in FFXIV since before, for the long time I’d played, I never really belonged anywhere. This felt nice. I had good friends.

G&G took off. There I met wonderful friends, some of which I still am happy to know, including Naoh, Keerith, Dato, and more. Soon, I decided to use that font of creativity within the free company to create a character that I had intended as an experiment: Hali Naras, my main character now known by the name Asashio no Haruhi, and the subject of this tumblr: an autistic Keeper of the Moon miqo’te of somewhat awkward height and build who, through the Echo, could feel out aether and tried to use that to copy spells she experienced or studied. She was meant to be something I had never done before: a character based on what was, overwhelmingly, a self-insert concept. Inevitably, she grew, and she grew fast. She was discovered by another of the Not-Garleans, their boss, Zheng. and, after helping with a job gone south, she was taken to meet the Crawfords, Aegir and Bragi’s personas for the new owners of G&G, played by an alt of Aegir’s and a recustomisation of Bragi’s main.

Things were off to a rough start, as, given the lack of a real event system, we used Grindstone rules for the most part, opposed rolls never quite working out for her. She was established very quickly as a fluke - someone who performed well when no one was looking, at first meeting, then proceeded to become a helpless, anxiety-ridden mess, incapable of really helping anyone, even herself. She was beaten, broken, and abused, time and time again, to the point where it sort of became a running joke. Aegir tended to play off on it in his comics quite a deal, picking on her from time to time, though usually just in good fun. I’ll admit a small bit of resentment over it since I had wanted her to start off as a somewhat competent, interesting character, but instead wound up with a woobie.

Hali liked to cook, as I do IRL, and so she found her niche within G&G thanks to some intervention. She would go on adventures to hone her skill and magic as much as she could, but her primary job was the overnight chef. She excelled there. My penchant for writing food porn got her far, there, and so we also decided to open G&G’s old tavern, the Bountiful Chest, back up. I took the lead on the project, creating a menu, helping to make the restaurant, and taking the lead on running things. The crew at the time was fantastic, Araceli waiting tables, Aegir and Bragi hanging about as the Crawfords, greeting people and overseeing operations, Hali cooking up a storm, and, as time went on, more and more people took part. It was a fun weekly thing - or semiweekly as my health began to decline due to a mixture of issues that I have only recently begun to have treated.

We began to network from time to time with the Outriders free company and with a storyteller, O’byahta, who was a big part of that FC, run by @glitterychaospersona and @superiorthaumaturge, along with a couple others at the time. Hali got involved in “Byahta’s Ventures” around the same time as she was scouted out by Aegir, Bragi, and Zheng’s “Immortals,” a sect of Thavnairian Blue Mages that were throwbacks to FFXI’s BLU. Hali faced a great deal of turmoil, but always managed to overcome it.

We had also, eventually, taken over the Garlean community linkshell, being heavily active with the Not-Garlean, networking with Corelyn and a multitude of others. We created what was called the Fustuarium, a group of Imperial special agents that would hunt down rogue elements, judge them, then either bring them back into the fold or execute them. We had many members join by being “re-acquired.” It was a lot of fun.

Through all I did in both the Fustuarium group and G&G proper, I was made an officer. I was never really asked if I wanted it, and likely would’ve asked not to be, but I accepted the role. I had taken such an active role within the FC, and loved the feeling of belonging to this wonderfully-creative group that ran immensely-fun events and came up with great ideas together, such as Iron Chef Eorzea, the Menphina Madness Blitzball Tournament, revamping the Golden Gala, and so much more.

Hali’s story moved on and on, eventually earning herself the title of Iron Chef, she went with the company to Kugane, was taught to become a shinobi, eschewed the blue magic of the Immortals, fought for her life with the Outriders at her side, became captain of Kugane’s Koban Crushers Blittzball team, and so on.

Eventually, through the Fustuarium group, @phantom-singularity was introduced to me and to G&G. I was leery of her at first, admittedly, as she was brought in by a member of the group, Otho/Odeai, for whom I really didn’t have much fondness. However, we began to talk in general, and then she DM’d me on Discord. Since that day, nearly two years ago, not a single day has passed where we haven’t been in contact nearly all the time we share awake. We fell in love, suffered together, visited one another, and eventually moved in together. If there’s anything I’m grateful for from this expansion, it’s her. If it were not for us starting RP between Hali and her character Dahlia @umbralhearts, I probably would not have survived the stress and abuse I had suffered over the course of the past few years thanks to, I have only recently discovered, a very abusive pseudo-relationship with someone we are still trying to escape.

As time went on, and Odeai continuously stirred shit up (eventually getting herself kicked from all those groups), I grew to greatly dislike her, especially as she was very much the catalyst that led to the awful witch hunt that was perpetuated against Dani. I won’t go into all of that again - the posts can be found on my main blog, @nierfenhimer, somewhere - but it was hell for us both. She wanted to have friends. I loved the friends I had, but they way it was all handled was, inevitably, disastrous, no matter how much I tried to stop it. Eventually, she left G&G and the Fustuarium. Not long after, I did, as well. Everyone was angry, everyone was hurt, and we all hated it. It was a nightmare come true for many reasons. There is still, today, especially after repeated similar situations on Aegir, Bragi, Liri, and Zheng’s parts with G&G, a lot of resentment between us all, I’m sure. What bridges were burned are likely gone for good. Everyone made mistakes. Following all of it, Dani and I became so stressed that we left FFXIV for a year, sacrificing the house that we had just gotten together for the sake of our safety and sanity.

During that time, Hali and Dahlia, who had been struggling together against a voidsent that possessed Dahlia, became embroiled in an awful conflict, eventually resulting in Hali’s death. Thanks to a combination of a great many things, Hali was resurrected when we returned. We left for WoW for a time, going back to my decade-long friends like @tyrellia, @kombink, @squishlecharacters, @aythala, and so many more. However, it didn’t last because, frankly, Battle for Azeroth turned out to be a dumpster fire.

It sucks, but today, I’m happy to have several great groups of friends. Dani and I joined the Outriders officially, along with Naomi and Otto, as well as Naoh and Keerith, who had gone there, Hali’s long-time rival and best friend, @trahventia, and more. We made new friends like @weaponskill, @deviltouched-xaela, and more. We reconnected with old friends from before we left such as @floating-city-of-nem and others. We made new friends. 

Even though I was unemployed on and off, going through hell on earth, and constantly unstable, Dani, along with the Outriders and my friends from the Retribution/TSV/Ashguard back from WoW were immensely supportive. The Outriders, over the summer of 2018, raised nearly $350 together to help pay for my name change as part of my transition. Today, I have a name to match my identity - one that I’m comfortable and happy to use - because of them. We’ve played countless games of D&D together, as well as other tabletops. We’ve had fun, and we’ve even had our share of drama, but we’ve made it through. 

Hali and Dahlia got married in-game, and we’ve come up with wonderful ideas, characters, and even ships together. Hali has since become a cyclone of chaotic life events, combining her shinobi training with abyssal magic as she’s embraced her inner darkness. We managed to reclaim a house for Hali and Dahlia and have since made a wonderful home together in the game.

Stormblood was an expansion where I truly let go of past hurts, in RP and otherwise, and found my niche. I found my identity, I grew up, I suffered immensely, but I learned, I fell in love, I had fun, and I let go of the things that had been holding me back as a person and from letting me truly have fun.

To all of you who were a part of my life, for better, worse, or both, thank you. Thank you all for everything you have been for me. To G&G for getting me involved, to the Outriders for picking me back up when that all fell apart, to the Retribution for taking me back for the short time I was back on WoW and understanding my propensity to disappear when life gets hard, to the friends, both old and new, that we have had, kept, and lost, and, most of all, to Dani, who I love without parallel and am happy every day I wake up next to you, no matter what trials we face.

Stormblood brought good and bad. It was truly a Storm of Blood. But it was good. It was amazing, and it was terrible all at once. I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. I’m looking forward to Shadowbringers, and to experiencing it with all of you. We’ve all come a long way. See y’all on the other side. ♥

~ Asashio no Haruhi / Hali Naras of Balmung, Crystal DC