#i get sad if i think about it too much bc i really would like for my dad to teach me stuff
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loop and mirabelle. That's it that's the ask
DAY 84: enrolled in the gossip wars
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#mirabelle isat#isat spoilers#vaguely. mostly for the tags#i think it'd be sooo funny if like. loop and mirabelle postcanon.#loop has rejoined the party somewhat recently and they are not at all adapting. to be honest. reunion probably happened too soon#bc they are a siffrin which means they are disgustingly sentimental. their ass is not taking the time to discover themself as a new person.#do you really think loop is gonna take their own advice.lol.#lmao even#Ok so anyways i think the party and loop would have a weird thing going on#like theyre all extremely grateful to loop. and they trust loop through the general basis of theyre apparently very dear to siffrin#but fucking nobody knows what to make of this bitch. odile knows they are hiding Something but she has no certain evidence to pin it down.#isabeau can't catch loop alone for more than 5 seconds. has the distinct sense they're avoiding him and he does not know why#bonnie....well tbh i think they'd vibe with loop. bonnie win.#mirabelle. i think she wouldn't really like loop? not at first anyways#do you remember in sasasap mirabelle telling siffrin(loop) that for a long time she thought they were a callous sort of person#bc they never took anything seriously at all. like the whole journey didnt mean anything. until they took an eye for bonnie#i think mirabelle would catch a similar vibe towards loop(lol.) bc like#like loop's main presence in the group is negging siffrin and being weird and dodgy around everyone else#i don't even think they'd be mean to the others but they would do everything in their power to throw the party zero bones#so all mirabelle has to go on for loop is that they're kind of a dickhead to her friend and that they're not receptive to normal group#social activities. i think being on the receiving end of mirabelle's kindness would make loop kind of sad and she'd pick up on it#but like. loop is inexplicably important to siffrin. she doesn't know the details bc neither of them want to talk at all about the loops#and i think siffrin would be especially dodgy abt talking about loop in the interrim between them rejoining and them being Presumed Dead#so mirabelle tries a new strategy to bridge the gap between her and loop. the power of Mutual Haterism#more specifically i think mirabelle would get the impression of loop as being much more of a bitch than they actually are#due to the aforementioned siffrin negging#so like. maybe that's just how they socialize maybe they'd be down to talk about hot takes and gossip a bit
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~ Monthly BL Breakdown: April 2024 ~
🌷 Happy May!!! ☀️
Disclaimer: ALL shows can be streamed here or here, as well as on Youtube and other platforms. For more info on where to watch what, check out this post!
New breakdowns are coming at the end of every month - feel free to add stuff! -> previous breakdowns
What came out this month? (green = seen/currently watching)
🌟 Love is Like a Cat - April 1st (South Korea / Thailand)
🌟 We Are - April 3rd (Thailand) ✅
🌟 Memory in the Letter - April 6th (Thailand)
🌟 Living With Him - April 11th (Japan)
🌟 Gray Shelter - April 11th (South Korea)
🌟 Beating Again - April 13th (Thailand)
🌟 Blue Boys - April 15th (South Korea)
🌟 At 25:00 in Alasaka - April 18th (Japan)
🌟 GMMTV2024 Part 2 (lineup event) - April 23rd (Thailand) ✅
🌟 Boys Be Brave - April 25th (South Korea)
🌟 CHANGE2561 2024 lineup event - April 25th (Thailand) ✅
🌟 My Stand-In - April 26th (Thailand) ✅
🌟 City Boy Log Vol. 3 - April 30th (South Korea)
New series & movie announcements
🎥 The Fridge - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 Flavor of Us (starring Benjamin B., Dome W. & others) - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 Children's Day - Date TBA (Taiwan)
🎥 Blue Time - Date TBA (China, possibly censored)
🎥 Bad Guy My Boss - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 Oriental Magician In The Ent. Circle - Date TBA (Taiwan)
🎥 Under the Oak Tree - Date TBA (Vietnam)
🎥 Invitation - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 The Love Matter - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 I Saw You in My Dream - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 I Wish You the Best - Date TBA (Thailand)
🎥 Impression of Youth - Date TBA (Taiwan)
🎥 Meet You at the Blossom - Date TBA (Taiwan)
Other news from the BL world
❗️ The production company Studio WabiSabi announced that their actors Boun N., Prem W., Santa P., Sammy C., Yacht P. and Stamp P. have terminated their contracts and will no longer be artists under the company on April 15th. Shortly after, GMMTV announced the 6 of them as newly signed artists, along with the disclosure that BounPrem's upcoming BL Vampire Project is now being produced under GMMTV, who now also own all broadcasting rights; WabiSabi will function as a co-producer. New S. stated on Twitter that the decisions had been long in the making, as well as the fact that WabiSabi no longer functions as a management agency for actors and is now a mere production company. He also denied the rumors that the company is shutting down. Shortly after the transfer of the Wabi Sabi actors, actor Fluke Jeeratch (formerly Pongsakorn) joined GMMTV as well.
❗️ The Filipino BL Gameboys is getting a third season. An air date has not been confirmed.
❗️ P Ekkapop and Pan Jirachot, the lead actors from Kiseki Chapter 2, have announced a new project together. Details are unknown.
❗️ Actor Barcode Tinnasit has announced his departure from his agency Be On Cloud.
❗️ After some confusion, the Korean production company Studio X+U announced that their upcoming series Fragile - which was initially advertized as a Korean SKAM remake - is in fact not connected to the Norwegian web series and is instead a standalone series, which focuses on the life of a group of teenagers. According to ZUM News, there was supposed to be a Korean SKAM remake based on the Norwegian original, which was however cancelled due to unknown reasons. Fragile was created as a substitution.
❗️ GMMTV held their 2024 part 2 event on April 23rd. The following BL projects were announced:
The Heart Killers (starring FirstKhao & JoongDunk)
Perfect10 Liners (starring ForceBook, PerthChimon, JuniorMark)
Heart That Skips a Beat (starring EstWilliam)
Revamp (starring BounPrem, formerly known as Vampire Project)
Sweet Tooth, Good Dentist (starring MarkOhm)
The Ex-Morning (starring KristSingto)
❗️ The production company CHANGE2561 held their 2024 lineup event on April 25th. The following BL projects were announced:
This Love Doesn't Have Long Beans (starring SailubPon)
Goddess Bless You From Death (starring PavelPooh)
I’m The Most Beautiful Count (starring PingSupanut)
Pit Babe Season 2
Upcoming series & movies for May
👉🏻 You Made My Day (starring Tar A. and Bom T. from I Will Knock You) - May 3rd (Thailand)
👉🏻 Inverse Identity / Upside Down - Mary 3rd (China)
👉🏻 Wandee Goodday - May 4th (Thailand)
👉🏻 A Balloon's Landing - May 10th (Taiwan)
👉🏻 City of Stars: Special Episode - May 10th (Thailand, cinema release)
👉🏻 The Time of Fever (Unintentional Love Story spinoff) - May 15th (South Korea)
👉🏻 Blossom Campus - May 16th (South Korea)
👉🏻 OMG! Vampire - May 19th (Thailand)
👉🏻 Manji Reverse - May 24th (Japan)
👉🏻 My Biker 2 - May 28th (Thailand)
#doreens monthly bl breakdown#thai bl#bl drama#upcoming bl#update#bl news#decided to do my likes/dislikes in the tags in case some entitled 'fans' are coming for my throat again#my Monthly Like goes to My Stand-In because sorry but the first ep slapped#the story is really interesting also i missed my boy Up so much??? I havent seen him in like 3 years 🥺#Ming is a red flag lmao but up is doing really well and I also didn't think he would act again since he's been producing lately#but I'm so happy he's back!!!#and I really hope the show stays at that level bc the 1st ep was more than solid#the other guy is pretty good too#another Like is going to the gmmtv lineup bc I feel really good about it!!#so many promising projects it makes me excited 😊#my Monthly Dislike goes to Love is Like a Cat bc wow it's terrible lol#good to know that Mew's lakorns aren't paying his bills anymore lmao#I dropped it instantly#its SO bad#kinda sad for Mew though#in other news this korean skam situation is confusing me so much lmao#like there was supposed to be an adaption but that got cancelled for whatever reason so now they're making a new show that's.....the same?#make it make sense lmao#also what up with all those gmmtv tranfers lol#whos next??#dmd hand over ur gays jhgkfd#or maybe dont#can u imagine the dmd boys at gmmtv#they would get fired for public indecency#jhdsfkd
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Day 16, final day before the Pristine Cut, my attempt at Ms. Chain Princess (possibly Prison3r but I've seen ppl speculate she's sp3ctre) from the trailer. See you all post pristine-cut 🫡
#slay the princess#stp#pristine cut spoilers#<- for anyone who wants to go in COMPLETELY blind#art#im of the opinion she's prison3r bc of all the chains + face in shadows#(prison3r seems to come from post head-abandonment so it would make sense if she's got some head weirdness going on)#i unfortunately don't really see the argument for sp3ctre#however I do agree with some of the reasoning i saw#i saw someone point out that since there are already assets in-game for a sp3ctre ending where you stab yourself while possessed#it doesn't really make sense for it to get replaced by something new#and i kind of agree tbh. like im prepared to eat my words but i think the possession-stab gambit is going to remain the same#what if we're both wrong and this is somehow dams3l tho. what then#anyway i feel a bit bittersweet about pris cut coming out#ive had so much fun in this community & knowing there's no new content after this (aside from some merch)#is a lil sad#like im sure i'll be revisiting the game plenty & probably continue creating fanart#but i am going to miss there being such active ongoing discussion around it#but I will be picking up scarlet hollow sometime and YOU SHOULD TOO!!!
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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what’s there not to understand about hypomania? you know when you get overtired, and like a toddler, you get all hyperactive and also want to cry or do Every Fun Thing you can think of and it actually becomes harder to sleep? like as a result of too much overwhelm or being so emotionally exhausted that’s how your body makes you able to cope, the aftereffects of too much adrenaline? just imagine being stuck like that. and every day it triggers itself more, overload of emotional whiplash and energy and you’ve lost all ability to think rationally and you can do anything at this point, because why not? you’ve got nothing left in you to hold back on any idea that could be exciting and stop you from falling into the void where the wiredness you feel has nothing to latch onto to burn off that nervous energy in a positive way, emotionally. for days or weeks or months on end. you don’t need to have ever experienced this fully to extrapolate and be like. yeah. I can see how it would suck eventually to get stuck like that
#at this point I’m begging people to see the overlap with adhd too bc anecdotally it seems like everyone I know also has that#and the overlap with bpd and hpd but I think the main difference is. being stuck in that high energy state. even when the energy turns sad#and bitter and hopeless. it’s essentially just overstimulation from your own brain. gets stuck overstimulating itself to cope maybe?#like i know people say it’s not triggered by life events but they sometimes can trigger it. but imho depression is gonna trigger it too#eventually. anything where everything is Too Much can start the positive feedback loop that’s almost impossible to turn off#which if you don’t know what a positive feedback loop is. means smth triggers smth which goes back and triggers its original trigger#thus getting bigger and bigger in magnitude. it’s like the chicken and the egg. egg makes chicken and chicken makes egg. more egg more#chicken and more chicken more egg. as opposed to a negative feedback loop which by the time there gets enough of smth it stops triggering#making more of it. your body relies on negative feedback loops for smth called homeostasis which is basically keeping everything stable#so obv positive feedback loops are gonna do the opposite of stable. in this case for your energy and your mood#most people are able to sleep better when they’re tired. my hypothesis of hypomania is when being tired makes you less able to rest#and that obviously spirals in on itself. mania would just be an extension of that I guess? but in some people it does happen really fast so#I get the narrative that it’s a chemical imbalance bc it is. but the specific imbalance being the tendency to a positive feedback loop make#more sense to me too. and can be why predictability and external cycles to ground yourself to are so important#there’s also never a 0% chance of you ever having a manic episode btw. anyones brain can theoretically get into this loop it’s just that if#you’re genetically predisposed to bipolar you’re much more likely to! and that’s okay. you can manage it with meds and lifestyle#but it makes sense why lowering stress (which can trigger this cycle) is such an important part of treatment and management#anyway. hopefully I’m not like. horribly horribly wrong or smth. in the end I can only speak for my experience so lmk if I’m missing smth#bipolar awareness#bipolar 2#hypomania#personal mental health tag#neurodivergence#would you believe I was reminiscing about a concert I went to once. and it made me think of all this
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Oden's prophecy of young pirates coming to save wano becoming yamato's hope for his freedom.... and him becoming oden because of it.... it's just so good... on the other side luffy taking ace's spot for liberating yamato... I think I hauve covid
#the spades pirates in wano to save children... omg... deuce.... i have heard so much of you....#yamato complaining about how eveyrhing is his father's fault and ace getting violent...#it is so sad that in the end it was (partially maybe) his father's fault... if not roger then whitebeard..... maybe both#the hibiscus flowers..... rouge....#yamato telling ace he talks too much about luffy.... omg.....#NAMI TELLS TAMA LUFFY LOST ACE TOO!!! AND LUFFY CAME BACK TO WANO BC ACE SAID HE WOULD!!! OMG...... THE LINGERING.....#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1014#pink haired samurai is still alive and kicking... hell yeah....#ODEN WAS THE SECOND COMMANDER FOR WHITEBEARD??? OMG???#whitebeard dealing with his rebellious son ace akshaksjak.....#ace wanting to save wano for his husband and child but wb wouldn't let him bc he is still caught up about his ex husband's death... complex#TEACH GO TO HELL!!! FUCK YOU!!! DIEEEE!!!!#they can't put luffy crying about ace dying here again.... tama feeling bad about yelling at luffy....#YAMATO KNOWS ABOUT THE D????#big mom wants robin.... i mean of course.... curious about pudding and her third eye.... we will meet again i guess...#PONEGLYPH!!!! kaido little borther to mom...... god valley.... rox.... i remember.... she gave him his power omg...#episode 1015#ace face down smiling after whitebeard beats him up reminded me of ace dead smiling. hell on earth this is my last straw. goodbye.#the animation <3 ace i love you <3 yamato you are great <3#omg... little ASL with the big pirates saying he will become pirate king omg...#PAUSE!! ACE HEARING GOOD THINGS ABOUT ROGER AND SAYING HE SOUNDS NICE THIS IS CRUCIAL TO MY ACE LORE OMG#yamato didnt say who it was... did ace really die not thinking his father was good this is my roman empire... critical hit to my brain#yamato made aces vivre card.... should i end it all for realsies this time....#his cunty skate boat 😭😭😭😭 i could cry#he really is looking like a beautiful dead wife this episode.... yamato......the vivre card omg..... NOT THE FLASHBACK ENOUGH#THE TRANAITION BETWEEN ACE FALLING OFF LUFFY AND HIM FALLING TO THE GROUND OMG AKFBSKDNDKSKLWKWNSKWK NOOOOOO#OH FINALLY THEY ARE ALL THERE TO FOGHT BIG MOM AND KAIDO!!! FUCK YEAAHHHHHH a good drag for the mugis for good measure#episode 1013
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my issue is that 2 weeks ago I was flip flopping on what decision to make while being very convinced that I wanted to try to leave and that doing so would make me happy and no matter how difficult it was it would be worth it. Just like how i wanted my surgery but was still wracked with guilt leading up to it. Now im stressed and obsessively thinking about it while being convinced that leaving would not make me happy at all and would not be worth it. which is a lot harder...
#talkys#and its extra hard bc the surgery is the only thing in my life I've been 100% sure about.#also my brain is doing the extra steps stuff and im already exhausted especially since i once again dont really have#family on my side or excited for me#thinking about having to have them drive me up for the job interview then having to get apartment#lease and then having to organize and throw away and pack my stuff and then unpack it#while never knowing if rent is going to be way too high next year is already too much#knowing that i love being alone but would be very lonely and not have any extended time to come home and spontaneously#go to the movies or some local event with my siblings makes me sad#the only friend id have in the new location has her own life and partner and such. id just be alone and not#wanting to leave my apartment bc i hate driving#the good times here are rare but they'd be non-existent in an empty apartment#and id likely be too tired to do hobbies after work and chores and staying alive#the color rly has drained from me not even the thought of being able to transition is saving me#nothing would change for the better
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i don't mind recieving more insight on the relationship dynamics you have in mind for them! gives me a better understanding of whats going on in ur art. i just asked because the "child crushing on adult > adult turns into parent/guardian" dynamic is something i don't see often [and when i do see it, it usually isn't done well] so i wanted to reach out to understand what ur take on it was. it's nice to see ur nuances on it as a fellow aro!
haha… “insight” mention
i guess it is a pretty unusual dynamic… but the vibes match what i usually like, so i entertain the thoughts a little…
more often than not there’s some long line of reasoning for whatever pairing im into… usually revolving around why one is important to the other, i guess, since honestly i dont have a set idea what romance is even if i like drawing Lesbian Things… and have done so… for several years…… so the scope of what i consider “love” is might be vague across the board idk the characters just think a lot about each other thats it.
if i were to clarify something like those “saya LOVE” doodles its… idk about myself being ‘nuanced’ lol 😅 i just get delusional about fictional characters and arcaea is Really hitting the braincells. at full force. the main reason for drawing that anyway was because i wanted to see saya getting some kisses (or close to kisses) and blush… the thoughts behind them existed in a vague state while drawing but there were Thoughts
vita -> saya: slight homoromo energy from vita by crushing, saya’s surprised by the cheek kiss but honestly a little touched by it (saya wouldn’t really think of herself as a ‘good caretaker,’ or even a particularly ‘good person’ with the ways she’s probably tested the limits of the memories and her general exploration of all types of memories… ‘the ends justifies the means’ mindset… but it’s like. ah, at least this child is happy…(because of me��?) it seems vita’s happy with just that, so she’ll allow this) i thought it would be cute, fluffy really. honestly i just like drawing them being cute together lmao… they’re sweet i hold em gently in my hand. surprise cheek kith…
lethe -> saya: okay there’s something absolutely terrible and gay going on between them i almost cant look at them!!!!! i love the prospect of ltsy recovering together if vita’s taken away… because lethe cant bring herself to just. leave saya bleeding out. after that. looked like she’s on the verge of tears. it doesn’t even feel like she’s ‘won’ this battle since insight had been the cause of lethe’s scythe striking her… but it also does feel like she’s the one who hurt saya anyway. so now they’re not fighting which is Weird because everytime they’ve met they have fought but neither are really in the mind for fighting so they just. have to deal with each other . and. pent up lesbian feelings. and suddenly being in close proximity like this. that flower is really pretty isn’t it? like the rest of her of course so much for Not Caring about whatever’s bouncing behind those petals before!!! (and all those other things they’ve said to each other when they believed the other to only be an obstacle for their path—ah, they were really misguided… things could have been so different… feels like the emptiness of arcaea also emphasized their opposition similarly to hikaritsu…)
(they’re really gay for each other trust me on this. they have a lot of lesbian yearning . but there’s also like. lethe seeing that vita was important to saya. (more important than what lethe has with saya just for now okay they’re both going to be important to her) how saya would probably still pursue her own dream. lethe can’t exactly fault her for that though, when she herself still believes the memories to be sacred, still finds it hard to let go of things (i know in 5-6 she kind of comes to peace with not remembering a part of herself… but she is still not letting go of any memory if she can jdhdgshssjshhs)). ouuuuugh lethesaya… y yuri… things are horrible for them… and saya’s flower lol. get licked, idiot (saya can totally feel things touching the flower!!! i won’t budge on this)
insight -> saya: insight’s love is definitely a sort of Love but less for a personal relationship and a need to find out everything about something or someone (largely based on whatever insight says in 16-3 and 16-6)… although maya is the most fascinating by being an exception to arcaea laws that insight understands, i’d think insight would find saya a little funny to poke at. and insight’s also gay because Yuri reasons. but then again, maybe all this is what romantic love would be like to her: knowing something or someone inside and out, construction and all : P in her freak ways : P the freakiness is amped up with maya though. freakyuri
though insightsaya isnt really something i ship (along with insightlethe or whatever configuration of them with insight). i just think, well, Lesbian Energy between all 3 of em, insight finds lethesaya entertaining or some shit like that. and its fun to put them together because. one is an ethereal beauty. one is pathetically hot. and the other is just a charming freak. so hard to draw
im not usually this elaborate for multiple characters but oh well i guess this is happening. just refer to the chart tbh that one covers most of my art in a pretty condensed format compared to… whatever this is
#ask#the dynamics between two girls…. Crazy shit tbh#fictional women and yuri are always lurking somewhere in my mind…#(just like ltsy are always on each other’s minds)#today’s side tangent is i love skg’s stupid curtsy and bow she does when she breaks in#she has a theatric flair to her in her narration as well…#a love for the wonder and real miracles of the world… really fun character tbh#i’m curious if everyone sees her as an actual ‘villain’ or not#since idk that’s not the first thing that would come to my mind about her#maybe i was just swept by her charms….#ahhhhh lgr i hope she gets a story update soon ^^ need to know her current state of things…#i do think lgr is associated with the seekers given her design#but hmmm skg hasnt mentioned her at all… too busy with my? how much does she understand of arc…?#whatever it is lgr please come back Lol#speaking of coming back will i have to wait a year before vt rerun#im still sad i missed it. vt pls#I HAVE THE OTHER 4 BUT NOT VT AUGGGHHHH#im getting every limited event character i can now bc of fomo#IM NOT MISSING THEM AGAUN
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ii quite enjoy cooking although i dont know a whole lot about it but it is fun and i like to experiment and just wing stuff.. i also dont have a lot of like, resources bc my house is fucked up and nothing works and we own one pot, ive wanted to try baking out for a long time but the oven doesnt work yadda yadda yadda But well one day, whenever i live somewhere else, i can try it out.. but i liike doing what i can do here and it is so nice when i make food and its yummy :] esp if other people eat it too and also like it. i made cinnamony soft apple thing and my momma said is really good she liked it
#i get sad if i think about it too much bc i really would like for my dad to teach me stuff#but he cant due to how he lives within the soil of the earth these days. but he was a chef and made rly good food always.. well its ok#i also always regret that i was such a picky eater when i was younger#and i became much more courageous w trying new food and realized i like eating just about anything#around when i was like uuh.. idk 15 or 16 or so but#there was always a lot of food my dad would make that i wouldnt even try bc i was picky and i didnt stop being picky until years#after he died. i wish i could let him know. hed be happy about it i think#only slightly related but when i was little and would see in like#movies or at school and stuff how the mom/women stereotypically do the cooking in households it confused me#bc my dad cooked everything at my house like the only thing i can rmbr my mom making ever is like#Box mac and cheese
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I would like to know exactly how luke asking annabeth to run away with him went down.
#annabeth🥺#it's sad to think about how it'll be so much harder for annabeth to unpack and heal from that relationship bc he's dead#it's hard enough to come to terms with someone you love/held in high esteem hurting you so deeply#but she's also grieving him too so it's even harder to hold him accountable to herself and recognizing the good and the bad#she may struggle to not romanticize the memory of him#sorting through what about their relationship was pure and genuine and what was fueled by other stuff#both of their trauma really played into it in some of the worst ways...#but to even recognize how her trauma played into it she'd have to identify what her trauma even is and how it's affected her life#it's really complex and difficult work#and bc he's gone she'll never get to question him on stuff like what he was thinking at certain points and why#so certain things will never get the best closure#MAYBE SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE EXPLORED IN HOO RICHARD???? BUT NO#and it would have been perfect too bc she'd also be dealing with issues caused by both of her parents triggered by the MoA quest#like her mother's conditional love#and trauma from her mortal family#and her fear of spiders relates to both of these things bc it's a phobia that's passed down from her mom's actions#so she's being punished for something she's not responsible for and also being burdened with a quest simply for being her mother's daughter#and it also represents her mortal family's neglect bc they ignored her needs and all that...#AND THEN the only person she's received actually pure and good unconditional love from was snatched from her for 6 months#and the MoA quest could have been a way to confront some of these fears and wounds...so she's a little stronger by tartarus which#should bring out the best in her and the worst in percy#or maybe the best and worst in both of them#and then he can work through some stuff too down there#HoO could have been a journey for them where they're undone and then healed#bc at the end of everything they have the medicine to literally everything which is real love (which they have for each other intensely)#the rant I could go on about this...I have so many thoughts about what HoO should have been. maybe one day#annabeth chase#luke castellan#my post
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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My mom told me the other day that it was gonna seem like I was trying to date my friend if I payed for her ticket to a show, so maybe you should try and pay for his food and that’ll indicate your intentions lol 😅
LMAO fuck maybe I could try that 😂
#not snz#i feel like it would work better if i didn't like. pay for literally everything most of the time ahskaksk#but i can try#unfortunately that's my medic and if nothing else i was taught to buy/bring food for my partners especially if they're a medic#which is fucked up if you think about it bc they get paid more but i digress lmao#but maybe it'll work if it's not fast food 👀#god is that gonna be too obvious if i wanna go somewhere decent and not like fucking taco bell#fuck he's seen me eat taco bell tho there's no way he'd ever be into me after that 😭#tho to be fair one of my fire coworkers asked me out immediately after seeing me do much worse than spill half my taco on myself#so maybe I've got a shot ahskamska#this is literally so stressful ahsakms how do people do this lmao#also why do i want him so bad now after knowing him for two years#this is so fucking sad for me lmao#like maybe i was in denial for a while there But Still#like is being nice to me when I'm like a sickly little victorian child really all it takes to make my ovaries explode 😭#i need to raise my standards fr 😭😭
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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i literally can't think about life or the future for more than a few seconds without getting so distressed that i shut down. surely this is a good sign for things to come
#true about any aspect of those. personal life. local politics. world disasters etc#i can't focus on one and approach it first bc even that's already too much for me#i was genuinely truly literally not made to be alive. i am not built for this. i shouldn't have survived this long#i feel like an error in the book of fate. like i accidentally dodged the grim reaper for too long#there is too much of me inside my brain. if that makes sense. i am long overdue. etc etc#what is that even called is it still depression at this point 😭😭😭 it's like a whole new thing fr#seriously tho how the fuck does one even get over it. being in a state of mind like that means no therapist would even try working with me#(bc well if i don't think i should be alive how am i supposed to work to get better. esp when i don't see any reason to)#(kinda like a festering wound in a body part that should've been cut off ages ago)#everything feels pointless bc of how shitty the future will be no matter what. like there is truly no hope at all#this isn't pessimism it's just facts. there is no good ending here no matter what. unless you overhaul reality completely#vent#:/ i should probably try to sleep but i'm doing really bad#idk if i'll have nightmares or just a very sad dream like i had last night. i don't seem to have much else going on there in my brain#negative //#sorryyyyyy#i'd ask for help but idk what help to even ask for. what anyone could even offer. like there is no solution or a way to forget it#best i can do is distract myself all the time but that's really hard to do when a lot of what i have going on makes me feel bad too#. rambling in nonsensical ways atp sorry. brain is being mean and stupid
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i feel like the makeup standards are not necessarily going to get Worse, just. stay the Same. "raised by sephora and ulta" christ alive yall act like this shit is new. as if this hasnt been the standard to blast young girls with makeup ads and shit via magazine and tv and imposed beauty standards anyway. the only real difference is like, idk, accessibility of tutorials for how to apply it well
#toy txt post#spoken as. a no makeup bitch#altho i have also been accused by a terf of wearing a pound if makeup for wearing. visible lipstick in a selfie. and that was It#the actual Beauty Standard has largely stayed the exact fucking same of like making your skin texture as fake as possible#that was the standard back then too but it was harder to achieve /know how to do it cos there werent tutorials the same way now#also yes sephora and ulta are evil and all that but like the same amount theyve always been.#yall really acting like these imposed beauty standards being exposed to children is like a new unique tiktom thing thats never happened#before. and yall blaming instagram are no fuckin better. this has been happening The Entire God Damn Time#also theres something rubbing me about the way this is getting talked about. 'she did all thos other arbitrary bullshit except this#One Thing! the discrimination against this one thing is awful!#and like. it is. but i feel like we could address that while also maybe stepping back a tiny bit further and questioning these arbitrary#standards of professionalism too while we're at it#why does she have to have a blazer either? why do the earrings have to be understated#why do the colors have ti be bland and boring? why does he hair have to be a natural color and gender conforming ?#etc etc etc#like if we're accepting all that other shit the ppl upset about this could acknowledge she might experience similar discrimination for say#very obvious goth or punk-y makeup or anything a little too far outside the bounds of the acceptable beauty standard#everyone is pissed about 'eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man' but theyd be saying nothing if she was discriminated for fuckin#big wings and black lipstick bc well thats Obviously not professional standard makeup. okay?#if we change how we look at professional standards of dress and makeup as a whole to include Fucking Freak Bitches#then it would be a lot easier to include No Makeup in there as welllllll#idk#im a no makeup bitch with blue hair whos only ever worked in warehouses so they didnt give too much of a shit about my lack of makeup#or blue hair as long as i didnt show up in like flip flops which is a Reasonable dress code bc its got an actual fucking reason#(safety so you dont lose your goddamn toes to a box or a grate or some shit) vs it makes the office corpo bros sad#anyway idk if you have the privilege to get away with it i think you should dress weirder in the office to get them used to weirder dress#maybe instead of Suddenly going No Makeup sort of slowly lessen the amount so its not a Sudden change or smth#again: if you have the privilege and job security to get away with it#also also also: easier to get away with if you were to say. mask. js. they cant get mad at schrodingers lack of lipstick
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Do you ever think about all the women in jjk that don't even get a second to be mourned?
#like I love this story but thinking about any female character in it breaks my heart#like not even the obvious main girls that got killed for basically no story payoff#I thinking about ppl like kaori too#how we never even got to experience the horror of everything kenjaku's done with her we just get a flashback to further develop yuuji#like literally the vilest shit done to women in the story are footnotes that the characters don't even blink at and it's a lil bit fucked up#like I love gege's writing don't get me wrong#but I WISH they'd give a shit about any female characters as much as the male characters#like it just makes me sad I want so much more from all of them#but the only one still being treated as worth anything in the story is a stand in for another male character at this point#like there is no single panel of maki where toji isn't looming over her and it makes me SAD#toji was cool af but maki would NOT become him she is nothing like him and the fact that they're basically the same rn makes me kinda mad#maki shouldve become ANGRY and violent and a complete opposite to toji personalitywise bc that wld be more in line with her pre culling game#jjk spoilers#it fucks me up that the only person that ever got mourned for body snatching was gojo like not even geto really got that#besides gojo mourning him (which he also didn't get to do) no one really acknowledges the horror of kenjaku's whole thing#its weird for me too for a story so obssessed with the idea of a 'proper death' kenjakus perverted immortality isnt rly criticised#at least not as much as you'd think
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