#i dont really know what else i can do with my life
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maplegyu · 2 days ago
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Went into this with no expectations! I just saw the tropes and summary and was like ooohhh i love all of these! I ended up rly loving the story and enjoying my read!!!
Your fingers tightened around the glass. Without thinking, you poured yourself another shot—your third, or was it the fourth? You weren’t keeping track anymore.
Mingyu let out a small chuckle, and that was it—you tipped your head back and downed the drink in one go.
Your chest tightened. Mingyu was your closest friend. Your partner for everything. The one you laughed with, teased, leaned on. Seeing her in that space, acting like she belonged, made your skin crawl. You probably were just overreacting- and yet, you just kept drinking.
Loved loved loved how this was written!!! I could really feel how reader was clinging onto the alcohol like a lifeline! The more it felt like Mingyu would be slipping through her fingers the harder she tried to be grounded by something else!
God, you were so hopelessly in love with him.
I GET U READER I WOULD BE TOO He's such a gentleman and he's sooo in tune with her feelings WHO WOULDNT FALL IN LOVE W KIM MINGYU
Of course, it wasn’t a big deal to him. But to you? It was everything. Every single thing.
GOD I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW MUCH THIS HURTS its like ur breaking ur own heart bc the feeling is like!! WHAT RIGHT DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY???!! i get u reader i rly get uuuu BUT UR FEELINGS ARE REAL AND VALID 😭 the hoping and yearning wow wow wow
I loved the imagery of the writing so much!!! Especially the scene outside the restaurant!!! Felt so immersed in the story and in very few scenes was already familiar with how close reader and Mingyu are and their feelings for each other.
BUT THE MORNING AFTER SCENE OH MY GOD???!?! CHEEKY MINGYU AAAAHHHHHHHHH
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ON GOD!!! I AM NOT OVER THE IMAGE OF JUST WOKEN UP MINGYU, RASPY VOICE, REACHING OUT FOR READER... SMIRKING!!!!!! who wouldnt want to wake up next to this man for the rest of their lives?!
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"Oh, this is fun," - im sorry. I WANT HIM SO BAD. Mingyu being a tease and being cheeky... I LOVE THIS KIND OF MINGYU GENUINELY LIKE SOME OF MY FAVORITE MINGYU TO READ!!!!!
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YES HE DID BECAUSE PERHAPS!!!! HE IS IN LOVE WITH U ALSO DEAR READER?! 💘
“I know you can,” he said with that same, effortless ease, his tall, towering frame moving toward you without hesitation. “But let me.” His voice was softer this time, the teasing gone. 
MY KNEES TURNED TO JELLY FR!!!! when he is chivalrous and a gentleman but also hot as fuck 🤩
Mingyu stood at the stove, moving effortlessly like he belonged there, he changed his white shirt. His black t-shirt now clinging just enough to make you notice. The sleeves stretched over his biceps, broad and defined, flexing slightly with each movement.
IMAGINING THIS MINGYU
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AND I DONT BLAME READER FOR HAVING A HARD TIME W HER FEELINGS FOR HIM
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THE WAY THIS WHOLE SCENE EXCITED ME BECAUSE IT CONFIRMS THAT MINGYU DOES ACTUALLY FEEL FEELINGS FOR READER TOO!!!! ITS NOT ONE-SIDED AAAAHHHHH ✨️
Yeah. He was so screwed.��
#MAPLEGYU SCREAMS!!!!!!!!! this is everything. officially down bad. on his way to becoming a certified loverboy!!!!!!
The whole back and forth about stealing and wearing Mingyu's clothes...... THE OBVIOUS FLIRTING PLEASE I WAS RLY EATING IT UP!!!! dont u two realize ur so into each other aaahhhhhh! And then tbh at this point i thought the story (or part 1) would be over but there was more!!!!
Mingyu was still there and reader was wearing his clothes. Excuse me a whole day of domesticity with your favorite person????
The way user taesjpq painted the picture of how their night was going sent me to space actually because ITS THE LITTLE THINGS!!!! together ordinary things feel extraordinary 😭 and im sure thats what reader felt w gyu!!!! And please they never stopped flirting! Him telling her he looks good in his clothes!!?? MY BABY GIRL LET YOUR MIND GO THERE!!!! THINK ABT GYU BEING PART OF UR DAILY LIFE!!!! BELIEVE HE LIKES U BACK COS HE DOES!!!!!
He watches you with an intensity that makes the room feel smaller, more intimate. His eyes flicker to your lips, and that’s when it happens—the hesitation. Heswallows hard, fighting the urge to close the distance entirely. He’s trying—really trying—to resist, to keep this from crossing a line neither of you can come back from. But it’s impossible when you’re looking at him like that, when your body is so close, when the scent of you wrapped in his clothes makes his head spin. 
THIS MADE ME INSANE I LEGIT WASNT BREATHING
SO IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT WHEN HE TRIED TO GO IN FOR A KISS!!!!!!! The build-up??!?! The uncertaintainty but also wanting it so bad??!?! CROSS IT CROSS THE LINE!!!! God im rooting for them i am suchhhh a sucker for bff's to lovers!!!!!!!
Thank you for writing this i really reaaally enjoyed it!!! I cant wait for the next part!!!! 💖
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Jealousy part. I
genre — suggestive fluff, best friends to lovers, smut (maybe in part II) ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ pairing — female!reader x best friend!Mingyu summary — You, Hoshi, Wonwoo, and Mingyu—inseparable. Their apartment feels like your second home. But one of them makes your heart race in ways you wish it wouldn’t. He treats you like you’re special—attentive, caring, almost like a boyfriend. But he’s not your boyfriend. He’s your best friend. He treats you this way—this is just how Mingyu is, right? word count — 4,3k (part l)
Warnings and notes under the line.
WARNINGS: Alcohol consumption, jealousy/insecurity, unrequited/complicated feelings, emotional distress, avoidance/coping mechanisms, mild possessiveness (towards him), possible hangover, waking up next to someone, suggestive elements/mild sexual tension, light kiss [let me know if I forgot something]
notes: san (ateez) cameo (you will better understand in part II) Hoshi, Wonwoo cameo. This is my first published ff ever, I hope you like it. I‘m actually very nervous about it, so feel free to give your opinion. I just wrote this, when I felt down bad for Mingyu again (he‘s so boyfriend istg). The question is, when i am not exactly down bad for Mingyu? He‘s the standard.
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"Any plans for the weekend?"  
San held the office door open for you, his gentle smile as familiar as ever.  
You sighed quietly, relieved that the exhausting workweek was finally over. It had been chaos—half the staff out sick, leaving you drowning in double the workload.  
San had been your lifesaver, stepping in every time you thought you might break under the pressure.  
"Actually, I'm meeting my friends at a restaurant," you replied, noticing the faint flicker of something wistful in his eyes.  
"Why am I not surprised?" he teased, his grin widening as you stepped through the door.  
San had a way of always asking about your plans, like he was hoping, just once, your answer might include him. But it never did. Just: „My friends, my friends, my friends.“ 
It wasn’t a lie, though. You practically lived at their apartment. Gaming nights with Wonwoo, gym sessions with Mingyu, and endless meals with Hoshi—that was your rhythm, your second home.  
"Thanks for the coffee, San. Next time, it’s on me," you said, flashing him a grateful smile.  
"Anytime," he replied, his gaze lingering for just a moment longer before you parted ways.
 
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You arrived flustered, breathless from rushing. Of course, they were already here. 
As you pushed open the door, the warm buzz of conversation and clinking plates enveloped you.  
Your eyes scanned the restaurant, locking on them almost immediately: your boys—and a girl. A girl? 
She was sitting beside Mingyu, close enough that their arms nearly brushed. Her laugh carried across the table, light and unrestrained, and something about it made your stomach twist. Who was she?  
"Finally!" Hoshi greeted you as you approached, his voice brimming with playful exasperation. "We thought you’d ditched us."  
You forced a smile, settling into the usual chaos of their teasing welcome. 
"This is Hana," Wonwoo explained casually when he caught the question in your eyes.  
"And? don’t you think she looks just like me?" Hoshi added, grinning as he gestured dramatically toward her.  
You studied her more closely, and the resemblance hit you. It was uncanny—her smile, her energy. She could’ve been his twin. 
"I’ve been crashing at their place for a few days," Hana said, extending her hand toward you. "Hoshi insisted."  
Your polite smile barely reached your eyes. Why hadn’t anyone told you?  
"Nice to meet you," you said, shaking her hand and glancing around. There wasn’t an empty chair for you.  
Mingyu noticed immediately. Without hesitation, he stood, grabbing one from a nearby table and setting it beside him.  
"Thanks, Gyu," you murmured, your voice softer than you intended.  
He nodded and gave you a gentle smile. 
Oh, how you’d missed him. His warmth, his silly jokes—the way his laughter could dissolve the stress of your week. You’d been looking forward to this, to catching up with him. But now, it seemed difficult.  
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As the group settled into conversation, you tried to focus, tried to join in. But your attention kept drifting—to Hana, to how close she sat to Mingyu, to the way she leaned into him when she laughed. Her fingers grazed his arm casually, like she belonged there.  
"So, Hana, how do you like the city so far?" Wonwoo asked, drawing her attention.  
"It’s great," she said brightly. "Hoshi’s been showing me around—it’s been so much fun."  
Her hand lingered on Mingyu’s shoulder as she spoke, and your stomach knotted uncomfortably.  
Just then, the waiter arrived, placing drinks on the table. Four sojus. Your eyebrows lifted in surprise—they’d ordered before you arrived. That wasn’t how things worked. You always waited. It was a small tradition, but it mattered. Or, at least, it used to.  
"One soju for me too, please," you said quickly, catching the waiter before he walked away.  
But the unease didn’t leave. Hana’s touchiness continued—her laugh too loud, her attention on Mingyu too focused. He didn’t seem to mind, even smiled at her a few times. Yet, every so often, his eyes flicked to you, as if checking for something. 
You didn’t know why, but every time Hana’s hand brushed against his arm, you reached for your bottle. Every time she giggled a little too sweetly, your glass met your lips. The warm burn sliding down your throat was easier to deal with than the twist in your chest. 
"You should see these two at the gym," Hoshi chimed in suddenly, pointing between you and Mingyu. "They’re like workout aliens or something." 
The group laughed, and you managed a small smile, but your heart wasn’t in it. 
Hana giggled, leaning closer to Mingyu. "Maybe you can show me some moves sometime," she said, her tone playful. 
Your fingers tightened around the glass. Without thinking, you poured yourself another shot—your third, or was it the fourth? You weren’t keeping track anymore.  
Mingyu let out a small chuckle, and that was it—you tipped your head back and downed the drink in one go. 
Your chest tightened. Mingyu was your closest friend. Your partner for everything. The one you laughed with, teased, leaned on. Seeing her in that space, acting like she belonged, made your skin crawl. You probably were just overreacting- and yet, you just kept drinking. 
“I need to go to the bathroom,” you lie, the words tumbling out too quickly, barely convincing even to yourself. 
You needed space—air that wasn’t thick with your confusion, your frustration. If you stayed another second, your face would betray you, exposing the childish jealousy simmering just beneath the surface.  
The cool evening air hit you like a lifeline as you stepped outside, goosebumps forming on your arms from the crisp breeze. 
You closed your eyes briefly, letting it kiss your flushed cheeks, but it did little to soothe the ache in your chest. The dull, relentless throb of longing refused to fade.  
“This isn’t the bathroom.”  
The familiar voice sent a jolt through you, every nerve in your body suddenly on high alert. You didn’t have to turn to know who it was.  
You glanced back anyway, already masking your shock with a strained smile. Of course, it’s him. It’s always him.  
“I don’t know what you mean,” you said, forcing a lightness you didn’t feel. “This looks like a bathroom to me.”  
He chuckled, that low, warm laugh that always did things to your chest, leaving a trail of warmth in its wake. And despite yourself, you smiled too, because how could you not? 
God, you were so hopelessly in love with him.  
Without a word, he steps closer, draping your jacket over your shoulders. “You’re probably freezing,” he says, his voice gentle, but with a tenderness that makes your stomach tighten.  
His hands brush lightly against your skin as he adjusts the jacket, and it sends a shiver through you—not from the cold, but from the barely-there touch. 
You look up, your breath catching in your throat as your eyes meet his. His gaze softens, a flicker of concern crossing his face.  
The silence that followed stretched taut between you, thick and heavy with unspoken words. Neither of you seemed willing to break it. The faint hum of traffic and the muffled buzz of laughter from the bar filled the empty space.  
You shifted uncomfortably, your fingers toying with the hem of your dress. Don’t say it. Don’t bring her up. Just let it go. But the question clawed its way out of you anyway.  
“I didn’t know Hana was staying at your place,” you blurted, the words sharper than you intended, laced with something raw and exposed.  
He exhaled, running a hand through his hair, his exasperation evident. “Yeah, I didn’t know either. Trust me.”  
You raise an eyebrow, still unsure. “Hoshi didn’t mention it?” 
“He forgot,” Mingyu mutters, shaking his head. What a Hoshi thing to happen, you thought.  
“I walked into my room, and she was already asleep in my bed. I didn���t have the heart to wake her, so I took the couch for the week.”  
Your stomach twisted, the weight of his explanation sitting heavy. Of course, he wouldn’t complain. He’s Mingyu—always generous, always selfless. Always giving more of himself than he should.  
“Oh,” you managed, your voice too light, too fake. “It’s just funny to think… if I showed up at your place, I’d find her instead of you.” You tried to laugh, but the sound was hollow, even to your ears.  
He shrugged, casual and unaffected. “It wasn’t a big deal for me. I worked overtime all week, so I wasn’t home much anyway.”  
Of course, it wasn’t a big deal to him. But to you? It was everything. Every single thing.  
You felt the sting of tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, but you blinked them away quickly. Not here. Not now.  
The night had been shallow and hollow, a void you couldn’t seem to escape. All you’d wanted was a quiet evening with your friends, especially Mingyu. Just sitting beside him, leaning against his shoulder—feeling the solid warmth of him—would’ve been enough.  
But instead, you’d spent the evening watching Hana, her laughter, her touches, her presence invading spaces you’d always considered yours. Even if you don't have the right to do so. 
The ache in your chest sharpened, spreading through you like wildfire. You couldn’t stay here any longer.  
“I’m gonna head home,” you said, your voice flat, eyes fixed on the ground. “I think I need some rest after this week.”  
You felt his gaze land on you, heavy and searching, and for a moment, you wavered under its weight.  
“I’ll take you home,” he said softly, his voice firm, leaving no room for argument.  
“No, it’s okay,” you replied quickly, trying to steady your tone. “I have my car.”  
“I know,” he says, stepping closer, his presence almost overwhelming. His eyes scan your face, tracing every inch of you, as if reading you in ways that make your heart race. “But you shouldn’t drive. You drank too much.” 
“I’m fine,” you muttered, frustration bubbling up. “I’m not drunk.” 
 And then, he speaks again, voice softer, more tender. 
“Your cheeks,” he murmurs, his thumb gently brushing against your flushed skin. “They’re red. That happens when you drink too much.” 
You freeze, his touch lingering. Your heart pounds in your chest, and his proximity feels like a punch to your gut. He looks even more handsome than usual—his messy hair falling over his forehead, the soft fabric of his shirt still loose and unbuttoned just enough to make your breath catch. The way he stands there, effortlessly composed, but so close that you can almost taste the air between you—his scent wrapping around you like a warm, familiar blanket. 
God, you feel weak in front of him. 
“I can’t let you drive like this,” he adds softly. 
You want to protest, but the words catch in your throat. He cares. He always does. 
“Unless…” he tilts his head slightly, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You’ve got other plans?”  
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A sharp, throbbing pain pulsed through your head as you reached for your phone, your limbs feeling heavy under the weight of sleep. 
The sunlight filtering through the curtains was way too bright, making you wince as you blindly swiped to answer the call without checking the caller ID. 
“Hello…?” Your voice was hoarse, thick with exhaustion. 
“Mingyu, where are you?! I’ve been trying to reach both of you for hours!” 
Your brows furrowed, confusion washing over you like a cold wave. Mingyu? 
You pulled the phone away from your ear to check the name on the screen. Hoshi Hyung. 
Your headache made it hard to process, but one thing was clear—you would never save him like that. 
Why the hell was he even calling you about Mingyu? 
Just as the pieces of the puzzle refused to click into place, you felt it—a presence beside you. 
With a slow, sinking feeling, you turned your head to the right. 
And there he was. 
Mingyu. 
All 187 centimeters of him, sleeping peacefully under your blanket like he belonged there. His hair was tousled, his breathing deep and even, his broad chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm. 
Your eyes widened, your grip on the phone tightening. You hung up immedietly.  
Fuck. 
Before you could spiral too much, Mingyu let out a deep sigh, his arm stretching out lazily—almost like he was reaching for you. His eyes, still hazy with sleep, fluttered open but instantly softening the moment they land on you,— The way you were staring at him, as if he'd just appeared out of nowhere —his lips curled into a knowing smirk. 
“Morning,” he murmured, his voice deep and rough with sleep. 
“It’s 2 p.m., Mingyu.” 
He blinked slowly before lazily glancing around the room. “Shit, really?” His voice was raspy, thick. He let out a slow breath before sinking deeper into the pillows. “I slept so fucking good.” A lazy smile tugged at his lips as he let his eyes fall shut again. 
You watched him. His dark hair was a complete mess, strands sticking out in every direction, and yet, somehow, it only made him look softer. His skin looked warm and tan against the white sheets. His lips—full, slightly swollen from sleep—parted just the tiniest bit, and for a moment, you had to fight the urge to reach out, to trace them with your fingertips, just to see if they were as soft as they looked. 
You swallowed hard. "I... uh—what happened last night?" 
Mingyu let out a soft chuckle, rolling onto his side to face you properly. “You really don’t remember?” 
Your silence was answer enough. 
“Oh, this is fun,” he mused, resting his cheek against his palm. “You were very affectionate. Like, I knew you liked me, but I didn’t expect you to cling to me like that.” 
Your face burned instantly. “Shut up.” 
He grinned wider. “You wouldn’t let go. Kept saying I couldn’t leave, that I should sleep next to you.” His voice dropped into something teasing. “Should I start staying over more often?” 
The heat in your cheeks deepened, and without thinking, you grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at him. He laughed, catching it effortlessly before it could hit his face. 
“Ohhh, so violent first thing in the morning,” he teased. “Where’s all that love from last night, huh?” 
You wanted to escape the awkwardness, so you stepped away from the bed, but as you did, your gaze betrayed you—flicking toward Mingyu. His white shirt hung loosely on his frame, almost completely unbuttoned, exposing a hint of his chest and the silver chain resting just above it. The sight made your breath catch for a moment, your heart skipping. 
Mingyu caught your glance. His eyes met yours for a heartbeat, but then they dropped—slowly, unwillingly, lingering on your legs just a moment too long. 
You shifted uncomfortably, feeling the fabric of your dress inching up, revealing more of your legs than you'd intended. The air between you both seemed to thicken, heavy with something unspoken. 
In an awkward flurry, Mingyu began buttoning his shirt, his movements too quick, too self-conscious, like he was suddenly aware of every inch of space between you. 
You cleared your throat, trying to fill the silence, and nervously stammered, “I—I’m making breakfast.” 
Mingyu immediately sat up, “I’ll do it.” 
You turned to glare at him, a bit sharper than you intended. “I can make it on my own.” 
“I know you can,” he said with that same, effortless ease, his tall, towering frame moving toward you without hesitation. “But let me.” His voice was softer this time, the teasing gone. 
His eyes flickered over you briefly—the exhaustion, the headache written all over your face, the way your clothes were still crumpled from last night. 
“You should take a shower,” he added, voice gentle. “It’ll help with the headache.” 
You blinked at him, and looked down on you after.  
“Yeah..probably.” 
You hesitated for a second before heading towards the bathroom, still feeling like you were stuck in some weird dream. 
The moment you stepped in front of the mirror, you almost flinch. 
Your makeup was smudged, your hair an absolute mess, strands sticking to your forehead. Your dress from last night was wrinkled and slightly loose on one side. 
You looked horrible. Greasy. Disgusting. 
Mingyu slept next to this? 
You suddenly wanted to cry. 
Taking a deep breath, you quickly peeled off your clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the weird feelings in your chest. 
By the time you were done, you felt human again. 
There was no way you were putting that dress back on, so you grabbed your bathrobe, tying it tightly around your waist before stepping out. 
Your hair was still damp, strands clinging to your skin as you walked barefoot toward the kitchen, following the smell of food. 
Mingyu stood at the stove, moving effortlessly like he belonged there, he changed his white shirt. His black t-shirt now clinging just enough to make you notice. The sleeves stretched over his biceps, broad and defined, flexing slightly with each movement.  
And then he turned around. 
For a moment, it was like time froze. 
Mingyu’s breath hitched the second his eyes landed on you. 
The damp strands of hair framing your face, the way your robe sat snugly around you, revealing the delicate curve of your collarbone—he was so unprepared for this. 
His fingers twitched around the wooden spoon, and for a split second, he forgot what he was even doing. His grip almost faltered. 
He was staring. 
Hard. 
You raised an eyebrow. “You good?” 
Mingyu swallowed, snapping out of it. “Y-Yeah. Yeah, I’m—uh, food’s almost done.” 
He forced a smile, turning back to the stove way too quickly—like he needed a second to compose himself. 
You didn’t question it, shrugging as you took a seat at the table. 
Mingyu, on the other hand, inhaled deeply, gripping the spoon like it was the only thing keeping him from completely losing his mind. 
Yeah. He was so screwed. 
“So.” Mingyu cleared his throat, a little too forcefully. “How’s your headache?” 
You barely looked up, scrolling through the endless messages from Hoshi and Wonwoo. “Hm? Oh-It still hurts. But I’m sure I’ll feel better after eating something."
A beat of silence. 
Too long. Too heavy. 
You, sitting there like that—bare-faced, hair still damp, wrapped up in your robe—he had seen you like this before. And yet, right now, it felt… different. His fingers flexed against the edge of the kitchen counter. 
He didn’t want to think about why. 
“How’s work been lately?” he asked, voice casual—too casual. “You looked exhausted yesterday. And, well… the number of drinks you had kind of spoke for itself.” 
You let out a dry laugh, stretching your legs beneath the table. “Yeah, work… Work has been insane. Feels like half the office is out sick, and I’m the lucky one picking up the slack.” 
Mingyu frowned as he turned off the stove, moving with practiced ease. “That’s bullshit.” A pause. “No wonder you were exhausted.” 
That wasn’t the reason you drank last night, but he didn’t need to know that.  
You shrugged, watching him. The way he knew where everything was. The way he moved through your kitchen like he belonged there. Because he did. 
Mingyu set a plate in front of you before settling into the chair across from you. He picked up his fork but didn’t eat right away, just watching you for a beat. 
“You really need a break,” he muttered, mostly to himself. Then, his eyes flickered to yours, and something shifted in his expression. A smirk tugged at his lips. “Or maybe just… new clothes.” 
You blinked. “What?” 
He gestured vaguely toward you. “I mean, I knew you had a couple of my things, but—” He gave you a pointed look. “At this point, half of your closet is mine. I could practically  move in here.” 
You almost choked on your food. 
That little shit. 
Mingyu leaned back in his chair, arms crossing over his chest. “You know, I always wondered where my stuff kept disappearing to.” He tilted his head, pretending to think. “For a while, I actually believed I had a hole in my closet.” 
You swallowed your bite. “Weird. Sounds like a you problem.” 
He scoffed. “Oh, really?” 
You nodded, keeping your face blank. “Mhm. No clue what you’re talking about.” 
His gaze flickered over you, his smirk deepening. “So, you’re telling me my hoodies just magically disappeared? Along with my t-shirts? And my beanie? And—” 
“Okay, okay,” you cut in, groaning. “Maybe your clothes are just… way too comfortable. Not my fault they’re basically begging to be stolen.” 
“Begging,” he repeated, like he was tasting the word. 
“Yes.” You met his eyes, feigning innocence. “I don’t see the issue.” 
Mingyu let out a soft laugh, shaking his head. “You’re impossible.” 
You smirked, tilting your head. “And yet, you still let me steal your stuff.” 
He exhaled through his nose, picking at his food. “I don’t let you. You just take it.” 
“Semantics.”  
Mingyu rolled his eyes, but there was something in his expression—something warm, something familiar. 
For a moment, it almost felt normal again. Like the weird tension from before had settled into something softer. Something easier. 
But then his eyes lingered on you a second too long. 
And suddenly, it was back. 
That unspoken thing between you. 
Neither of you acknowledged it. 
You just kept eating. 
And Mingyu? 
Mingyu was so, so screwed. 
Your phone started ringing. Hoshi was calling. 
We were screwed. 
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By the time evening settled in, you had changed into something comfortable—his clothes, to be exact. He was still here, lingering in your space, and for a few fleeting hours, everything felt right. As if this was how it was always meant to be. As if this was your everyday. But deep down, a small voice whispered, warning you not to get used to it. 
After dinner,  Mingyu is still here. 
You’re in the kitchen, washing dishes side by side like it’s nothing, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. His hand brushes against yours when he reaches for a plate, and it’s almost too quick to register. But you don’t pull away. Neither does he. 
He leans against the counter, arms crossed loosely, watching you as you load the dishes into the dishwasher. His voice breaks the silence, low and casual, but there’s an edge to it, something like hesitation. 
“Do you still have a headache?” 
Before you can speak, he’s close. His presence fills the space between you. His left hand gently presses against your forehead.. His right hand moves to your neck, fingers brushing lightly over your skin.  
You barely notice it at first, but when you shift slightly, you feel it—your back pressing against the counter. Mingyu is so close, standing in front of you, subtly caging you in You can barely breathe. You don’t know what’s worse: the fact that he’s so close, or the fact that you want him closer.  
Your voice falters when you answer. "I’m fine now. It’s... better." You watch as Mingyu’s face softens in an instant at your words. 
Neither of you moves, standing close, too close.  
Mingyu’s lips quirk into a grin, but there’s a hint of something more in his voice. “My clothes look good on you. I should let you steal them more often.” 
You laugh, but it’s breathless. You stretch up, reaching for his face, your fingers brushing his skin. You squint your eyes, making a playful face. “I’d do it anyway. Don’t need your permission.” 
Mingyu chuckles, but his gaze shifts, sharpening just enough for you to notice. He steps closer. The warmth radiating off his body, the faint brush of his leg against yours, the way his chest is so close that if you just leaned in the smallest bit, you'd be pressed against him. It’s intoxicating. You don’t even realize you’ve stopped breathing for a second until you force yourself to inhale, only to take in the faint scent of him—clean, familiar, utterly Mingyu. 
He watches you with an intensity that makes the room feel smaller, more intimate. His eyes flicker to your lips, and that’s when it happens—the hesitation. Heswallows hard, fighting the urge to close the distance entirely. He’s trying—really trying—to resist, to keep this from crossing a line neither of you can come back from. But it’s impossible when you’re looking at him like that, when your body is so close, when the scent of you wrapped in his clothes makes his head spin. 
And then, he inches closer, almost without thinking, and his lips brush against yours—just the lightest touch, so soft that it could almost be a breath. Your body tenses, and for a second, everything stills.  
But fuck, it’s enough to send heat coursing through his veins. 
His lips are soft, teasing, brushing lightly against yours. The kiss is slow, barely there, but enough to leave you gasping for more. 
You inhale sharply, your breath mixing with his. You don’t move away. If anything, you shift closer, your body reacting before your mind can catch up. 
His lips linger, hovering, teasing. Testing. 
His self-control is hanging by a thread. 
He tells himself to stop. You were loosing yourself in it. You- 
- Ding Dong 
The sound of the doorbell rings, slicing through the tension. You both freeze. The world shifts back into focus. The heat, the closeness, everything evaporates in an instant. 
You step back, your breath coming in uneven gasps. Mingyu looks away, running a hand through his hair, trying to regain his composure. 
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st4rgiirll · 12 hours ago
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first i love you
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s2!jj maybank x gf!reader
creds: roseraris for dividers!
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the sunrise painted kildare island in shades of gold, and for once, jj was awake to see it. he sat at the end of the dock, legs dangling over the water, his usual bravado stripped away by the early morning quiet.
you found him there after waking up to a cold bed, with no protective arm around you. you knew where he’d be, he always sat by the water when his thoughts got too loud.
“couldnt sleep?” you ask, settling beside him.
you lean your head on his shoulder, you felt his head rest on your own.
“nah.” he replied, his signature half-smile playing at his lips. “too much thinking. dangerous activity, i know.”
you smiled slightly, pushing his side lightly. after months of being together, you’d learned to read between the lines when it came to him, to understand when his jokes were armour rather than humour.
”want to talk about it?” jj was quiet for a long moment, his eyes fixated on the horizon where the sun was climbing higher in the sky.
his fingers fidgeted with the bandana tied around his wrist - one you’d given him months ago when he’d cut his hand trying to fix his bike. he washed it and kept it, asking you to tie it around his wrist and of course you obliged.
“my old man showed up yesterday,” he finally said, his voice barely about a whisper.
“started spouting the same old shit, ‘bout how im just like him, how i’ll never amount to anything.”
your heart clenched. you’d seen the shadow his father had cast on him, how deep those wounds ran. “jj…” you started, but he shook his head.
“that’s not even the part that kept me up.” he continued, finally turning to look at you. his blue eyes were intense, vulnerable in a way you rarely saw them.
“what kept me up was thinkin’ about how different everything is now. how different i am. ‘cause of you.” your breath caught in your throat.
jj maybank didnt do serious conversations, didnt bare his soul unless something was really eating at him.
“you make me want to be better.” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “you make me believe i can he. and thats…” he swallowed hard.
“that’s fucking terrifying.”
“why is it terrifying?” you asked softly, despite already knowing the answer.
“because i love you.” he blurted out, then immediately looked away, as if bracing for impact. “and everyone i’ve ever loved has either left or hirt me and i cant… i cant lose you too.”
the vulnerability in his voice made your heart ache. this was jj maybank, the real one - no swagger, no deflecting jokes, just raw honesty from a boy who’d never been taught how to love or be loved properly.
you reached out, gently turning his face back toward you. his eyes met yours, uncertainty warring with hope in their depths.
“jj maybank.” you said firmly. “i love you too. and im not going anywhere.”
the smile that broke across his face was like watching the sun come out after a storm - brilliant and a little disbelieving. before you could say anything else, he pulled you into a kiss that tasted of salt air and promise.
when you finally broke apart, he pressed his forehead against yours, letting out a shaky breath. “say it again.” he whispered, and you could hear the smile in his voice.
“i love you.” you repeated, feeling him pull you closer.
“one more time?” you laughed, the sound carrying across the water.
“i love you, you idiot.”
“good.” he murmured, pressing a kiss to your temple. “‘cause i love you too, and i plan on saying it until you’re sick of hearing it.”
“i dont think that’s possible..” you smile, nuzzling your face into him.
the sun was fully up now, turning the water to diamonds, and jj’s arms were warm around you. you stayed there together, watching the island wake up, both understanding that something had shifted between you – something as vast and deep as the ocean stretching out before you.
and for the first time in his life, jj maybank wasn't scared of falling. he was already caught.
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frillydolle · 2 days ago
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hiiii !!! so i dont know if it was u who wrote an arthur x reader fic where reader wears their fathers glasses to read? im pretty sure it wasnt, but i thought of it as a good idea. so, what im asking is, would u be comfortable writing something with reader wearing glasses but instead of not seeing things near they don't see things far away. so they're going through life blurry and arthur notices because they keep bumping into things bc they have no sense of depth without their glasses. offers to make them an appointment for eye doctor and helps them choose the glasses and everything ? thought it would be cute (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)
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arthur morgan x blind female reader
꒰ 𝝑𓏲 ꒱ wearing my glasses right now as i write this :)
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“sweetheart, 'm right here— no, 'm here—... y'alrigh'?”
“... i think so.”
that was probably the fourth time u have walked into something? no one else wasn't really sure why, but only because u didn't tell anyone. it was like a secret of urs that u have kept for a long while.
arthur was really the only man who knew u struggled with ur eyesight for as long as u can remember. shooting was a huge problem that u avoid as much as u could despite living in an outlaw gang, arthur would do best his best to help u, but it never went well. u couldn't even hit a bottle!
shooting was definitely not in ur skills. no matter the number of times that arthur willing helps u shoot a gun or help u aim better, nothing worked. u always still managed to shoot a tree or shoot at.. basically nothing, u always missed the three empty bottles he placed for u to gun at.
“mr morgan, i can't— i can't see that bottle, 's too far.”
“want me to bring it closer?”
of course he did. undeniably, he's always had a soft spot for you, but it's not like he'd admit anyone else in camp or you, especially. he treated u like a fragile girl, which u weren't too far from. having bad eyesight did make u feel more vulnerable and fragile, and arthur knew this. makes him just a little protective with you as he's often seen with his fingers intertwined with urs or his arm rests around ur waist. it gave yoy sense of safety and.. comfort.
sometimes the silly man might forget just how blind you really are:( he'd never mean to! he'd just be so so focused on something and he'd bring you with him and it just slips his mind simply!
“arthur, wait—!” you'd say as u try to catch up to his pace, ur hands slightly out just in case u fall. “oh, 'm sorry, sweetheart. 'm right 'ere.”
but now, he decided to help you, proper this time. the two of u are on his horse whike trotting away, your hands around his torso tightly incase you fall or anything like such. you had no idea where he was taking you though, his words being “'s a secret, but nothin' too big, y'know?” nonetheless, you were just glad that he out if camp, noticing how stressed he would be until his blue-green eyes would set on you:(
“... saint denis? what do you have planned, arthur?” you say with a small giggle, looking at him while he's looking straight onto the road in front of him. “jus' a nice day out. you 'n' me.” he replied. huh. a nice day out. just a day out. but days were him were never often that simple, usually ended with someone recognising from blackwater or another robbery, or you talking him out of beating a man for making you uncomfortable. you thanked him regardless, making sure you're safe and well.
then he hitches off his hourse, you follow suit...the doctor's office? what was he doing here? i mean, he's fine, right? you're fine too except your eyesight, of course. wait, was he—
“c'mon, darlin'. yer fine, i promise ya.” he says as he sticks his arm to you, waiting for you to hold his arm before walking into the building. he knew you were slightly anxious about it, but he was willing to help you in any way he could.
a man like him... blood on his hands, lives taken because of him, rough and callous from hard work, a man like him with all bite and bark like a violent dog. that man bring a sweet girl like you to the doctor's office to get you sorted out with a new pair of glasses. ♡
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dr-spectre · 2 days ago
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Hello!! I just had the sudden urge to rewrite Side Order, and i dont know if it was from you but i once saw a post about an antagonistic Marina being an interesting concept... but I do know you like Marina a fair bit so I was wondering, what would be a good way to go about it?
And I mean an ACTUAL antagonist Marina. Not Order controlling her one way or another.
I would also like to try doing something with Side Order's creepy vibe we got from the trailer...
"Like Marina a fair bit." Oh buddy, oh friend, it's more that just a fair bit....
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I was actually gonna make a post about something similar like this, but since you brought it up, I'll just go ahead and explain some of my ideas.
It has been hinted at and shown to us that Marina has a strong urge to maintain order and keep the newfound happiness she now has in her life.
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So what if this desire.... corrupts her? What if she becomes so stressed out and anxious that she descends into being an antagonist hellbent on making the perfect world? All born by her troubled upbringing in the Octarian domes and trying to make sure her life remains happy and safe. And for her Pearlie to be safe.
The dev diaries as well as Pearl's dialogue at the beginning of Side Order tell us that Marina after the Final Fest has been under a lot of stress due to balancing so many things and is suffering burnout.
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Also Pearl and Marina do fight over music and this could have added to Marina's stress as well.
I think going about rewriting Marina Agitando is by showing Marina's stresses more clearly so that people can pick up on her motivation more. Also changing Marina Agitando to where Marina puts on the Controller VM willingly and instead of Order just possessing her body like a ghost, instead it allows Marina to communicate with Order and oversee the memverse as a whole. However because of Order's programming, they are more of a manipulative force, whispering and guiding Marina to what they want due to their goal of wanting a world under total order and "happiness." No stupid fucking "brainwashing" or "mind control" bullshit here. We doing something different. Order is just giving Marina a little push in a certain direction and Marina is going along with it because she's under a ton of stress and wants her life to be safe and happy, no matter the cost or how anyone else feels....
The developers did say in an interview that they wanted to tell a story about Marina getting lost in a machine of her own making and sadly Side Order doesn't really explore it all too well due to the short appearance of Marina Agitando.
All you gotta do to fix it is extend her runtime!! Make Marina Agitando a tutorial boss, but instead of you getting her out of there, you fail to reason to Marina and she kicks you out of the spire and it grows in size. And then you gotta go back up 30 floors while learning about why Marina is doing what she is doing and eventually learning about the ai Order. The final boss could be Marina Agitando and Pearl trying to reason with her and eventually break through Marina's anxieties and doubts. Marina breaks out of the Controller VM and Order turns into Overlorder and becomes the true antagonist in the end, feeling betrayed and hurt by their creator abandoning them.
Anyways. Those were my ideas. Much like Callie i do care a lot about Marina and thankfully Marina Agitando doesn't piss me off as much as what they did to Callie in Splatoon 2. But there's still a LOT of missed potential with an antagonistic Marina.
So yeah. Hopefully that helped your rewrite in some way. Hopefully.
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larrythefloridaman · 3 days ago
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slow and deliberate bong rip, as if sampling wine. prism and the ciblings are christian but theyre not christian but they are.
Their relationship with Spectrum is best understood as religious, they are the ciblings parent in the divine emanation sense and the portrayal of this is filtered at the meta level through the lens of ryan the creator's christian faith with the structure of Prism's faith, prayer and service to her master. Crimson, who loves to tightrope walk on the fourth wall without ever quite EXPLICITLY crossing it (atleast by the blurry standards of CPUK where the commentators exist as fictionalized versions of themselves and the show is about a show,) says in the same section of CPUK Orange where he foreshadows his spirit by cracking a joke about the college ryan went to and says that if the audience thinks he can't read the twitch chat then they dont know him at all, also calls CPUK Orange a christmas special in an ambiguous smarmy wink wink sort of way that leaves it unclear whether the joke is meant to be him sincerely celebrating but leaning on the fourth wall, him mocking the notion of him celebrating christmas given hes a god by being insincerely festive, or a combination of both, 'isnt it absurd that because this show's run by a christian guy I acknowledge and celebrate christmas, even though im supposed to be a demonic god of a pantheon structure that is fundamentally incompatible with christianity?' A type of ambiguity that goes on to strongly feature throughout the nccts with regard to how it handles the metafictional.
the ciblings are gods and so is prism in some respect but they also decidedly arent THE god, that's spectrum, whom Prism devotes her life to serving and uses the power of to oppress control and orchestrate, to both justify and enact violence, whom the ciblings, spectrums 'children,' have been raised to please, raised in worship of. Cobalt knew of the nelson, a vessel of spectrum's will and voice, as a thing of 'legend,' suggesting they were likely raised on stories of spectrum and the forms it takes. They were also raised to believe they were uniquely chosen, as 'gods,' to do their jobs as caretakers of the world and that they and their immortal souls existed uniquely above and beyond 'mortals' tiny lives and inability to comprehend. They are Superior in their secret knowledge and that is their Burden (which is their business and noone elses no matter who else's lives it may effect) as well as their Privilege (so mortals opinions can be discarded). Of course, this is a crock of shit that largely serves to isolate them from others and keep them under her thumb. Faith in a god of creation and connection's power and influence is warped, in Prism's hands, into a weapon, a tool, of division and suffocating restriction.
cobalt has 'altar boy with Doubts and Questions that keep getting shut down in favor of encouraging blind faith and belief in the unerring supremacy of the divine' issues and chartreuse has 'perfect church girl in love with someone the church categorically rejects' issues and crimson has 'my abusive mother who teaches sunday school and hosts cutesy church ice cream socials like she doesnt try to kill me regularly decided to name me judas did you honestly expect me to turn out well-adjusted' type issues.
But also spectrum definitely isnt a 1 to 1 reflection of any of the mainstream traditional conceptions of the christian god, at their closest resembling the gnostic esoterica concept of the pleroma but not even quite that because spectrum is an amoral gestalt being who Happens to support good more often than not (at least in theory) but also creates awful circumstances because kindness and hope in the face of despair is Compelling, and thats what its really wants, compelling feelings and thought, because it creates and then feeds on the ideas and feelings its creations elicit, which inspire new creations in turn.
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evilchildeyeeter · 3 months ago
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every time i have a pe lesson i lose a tiny bit of my will to live
heads up i kinda started venting in the tags so if you dont want to put up with that just scroll <333
#ev yaps#vent incoming#sorry#none of the school subject slander is true btw other subjects r still very slay!!!#i fucking suck at pe#idk why but i physically cannot be good at sport#the one exeption being figure skating at which i am still kinda shit idk id never be anything close to professional#anyway to my peers its pretty much the only subject that matters#good at science? psycho (like nobody likes science but even so were all supposed to be decent at it)#maths? ok thats like the bare minimum also like nobody cares#english? ok cool#music? unless its singing or a rare-ish instrument nobody will actually give a shit#ok you get the picture#except art ig#but im not the best at it so it doesnt matter#OH NOT TO MENTION THE FUCKING 'IF YOU CANT KICK A BALL YOU'RE FAT' JOKES ISTGGGG EUGHH LIKE STOP THAT AINT COOL#im atheist but like damn god really didn't want me to amount to anything#like no joke i have literally no talent except for yapping#im just the loud kid with the weird sense of humour#that will end up working a shit boring ass job fr the rest of his life#or maybe i'll just work in an h&m until i fucking die#because being a screenwriter/ just working in film production is unrealistic#and i cant really write but its one of my best skills#i dont really know what else i can do with my life#and everyone is probably judging me#everything i say and do.#idk maybe im overthinking all of this and im fine. maybe all my problems and their impacts are being made up by some twisted corner of#my brain for attention#anyway sorry about that#back to our usual program
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seiwas · 4 months ago
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sellllllll it's meeeeee. hehehehehehehehehhehe
so for ur writing exercises.... deku + light? please? pretty please?
:3c
heheh heheh hehe niku. this will be the death of me. me writing izuku for the first time 🥲 i will only do this for you </3
contains: established relationship, spoilers for the end of the manga, aged up deku but sometime in between the final outcome (he doesn't get the h*** s*** from bakugo yet), mentions of sex and scars
deku + light
izuku only sleeps with the lights off.
it isn't uncommon; many people you know can't sleep with even just a sliver of light turned on somewhere in the room. but the difference with izuku, you learn, is not that he's unable to stand the light―it's that he refuses to.
you quickly pick up on it the first few times he sleeps over.
he fidgets in bed, pretty badly, actually. the nightlight you sleep with glows a warm yellow, illuminating the side of your face and coating him in its afterglow. you chalk it up to nerves, how he pulls at his sleeves and adjusts his position constantly; he is, after all, one of the most anxious people you know.
and this relationship―it's new. heck, even you feel a little jittery with his arm wrapped around you.
the rhythmic tapping on your hip only increases pace. you don't think he realizes it, so your hand gently reaches for his, intertwining your fingers as you turn around in his arms.
he's close, nearly touching you nose-to-nose; the proximity leaves you fuzzy, a little ticklish, so you giggle, a soft "oops," as the freckles dusting his face almost glisten under the warm light.
"hi," you whisper, meeting his eyes; they stare back at you wide in surprise, "can't sleep?"
he looks almost guilty at your question, as if you’ve caught him with the one thing he's been trying to keep from you.
"just—" his voice comes out louder than intended, prompting him to chuckle nervously as he readjusts his volume, "just winding down, sorry."
you inch closer, nuzzling his nose lightly, "it's okay."
"did i wake you?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink as his eyebrows furrow in immediate concern. his expression is something caught between stifling a grin and feeling sorry.
you shake your head against the pillow you share, strands of your hair tangling with his. "just winding down," you tease, watching as his gaze turns softer, eyelids drooping heavier.
sometimes, you think, izuku holds the world in his eyes―a deep, dark green, the color of life. most times, they look at you with wonderment, bright and alive; photos from inko tell you they're the eyes of his inner child.
on nights like this one, however, they hide a depth in them weighted by what you can only assume is time, and all that has happened to him in such a short span of it.
you try your best to understand what lies beneath them, knowing full well he'll never tell you outright what truly bothers him.
"is it the light?" you bring up, some time after laying in silence.
"hm?" he clarifies.
"do you have a hard time sleeping with the nightlight?"
his eyes widen briefly once more, as if shocked that you've caught him again. these split second reactions are ones you've learned to be attentive to when it comes to izuku.
"no," he tries to lie, but you know better as you turn to your nightstand and reach for its switch, "you don't–"
"it was hurting my eyes," you quickly make up an excuse, tucking yourself closer under his chin as you cut off his attempt to deny it again.
finding out that the light was the problem was the easy part—
you'd begun to notice much earlier on that izuku was barely rested on the nights he'd spend at your place. it was only when your old nightlight broke that you began to notice him waking up much later than you did, groggily rousing from a deep sleep.
—what was hard, was figuring out why.
at first, you suspected it was his scars.
"s-sorry, it's not—" he'd warned you, right as your hands gripped the hem of his shirt the first time you were about to have sex, "—it's not nice."
you didn't care though; you still don't care, and you've made that abundantly clear to him since. you love izuku and all his parts―all the nicks and jaggedy pieces of skin that make up who he is.
when you eventually ask him about it, with a request that he be honest with you for once, he tells you that it is and it isn't―the reason why he exclusively sleeps with the lights off, that is.
it's an odd, comforting relationship he has with his body—that he is simultaneously grateful and sorry for how its become a canvas, both painted and marred to symbolize japan’s historic last stand.
you find out the real reason when you catch him staring at his hands.
he does it often, when he thinks you aren't looking—his fists bunched up in the same way he used to watch the power of one for all course through his fingertips; the same way he used to prepare them in battle.
there’s a faraway look in his eyes that lingers, you notice—a little wistful if anything.
“do you miss it?” you finally ask. he gives you the same shocked look he does every time, as if he’s been caught with a secret he’s been trying to hide.
he’s learned a fair bit about you now, too, though—lying to you is futile when you’ve perfected reading his truth. he stares at his fists again as you take a seat beside him, moving to give you space. you rest your head on his shoulder gently, waiting.
“sometimes,” he admits, but you know it’s an understatement.
“i think about the vestiges a lot. i miss them the most, i think,” he continues, clenching his fists tightly, “i always try to reach out to them, but i guess it doesn’t work that way.”
“i… i try to replicate the right conditions every night, but…” then he lets go, stretching his fingers out wide. the scars on the surface ripple through his skin, telling its own story.
you hum, acknowledging what he means. silence sits with the two of you as you take his hand in yours, slowly unfurling his fingers until his palm reveals itself to you. it’s rough to the touch, seasoned with hard work and all that he’s been through.
“is that why you prefer the dark?” you ask softly, after some time.
it's not often that you stay up later than izuku does. when you do though, you catch him shifting in bed, moving from side-to-side. you pretend you aren't awake, but you hear him mumble their names, dwindling in volume as he dozes off to sleep.
he stares at his palm for a moment before he admits quietly, "yeah." his brows furrow as if contemplating whether to say more, but he shakes his head, dark green strands swaying to the beat of his embarrassed chuckle, "nevermind, it's silly."
"it's not."
you intertwine your fingers, sandwiching his hand between yours. a slight sheen glosses over his eyes as he tilts his head up to look at you. he draws in a breath, before it spills over.
"it's..." he finds the words, and you squeeze his hand in comfort, "it's easier to believe it was all real when the lights are out, and that maybe it can happen again."
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bacchuschucklefuck · 8 months ago
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pygmalion and galatea for aroace people
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you should tell your friends what I look like, riz gukgak.
#fantasy high#fantasy high sophomore year#fhsy#riz gukgak#baron from the baronies#fh class quangle#class swap babeyy! bard!riz that's whats goin on!#I really need tags for these now I think lmao#ask to tag#I feel like this should be tagged something. but I dont know what#in my brain after the initial kidnapping class swap baron's thing is every time riz keeps his story abt them up in front of his friends#they get a little bit closer. they send him pictures of where they supposedly are n stuff#theres a scene in my brain only of kristen and riz on top of the van and kristen is like everything kinda sucks rn can u tell me abt baron#cause what you guys have is so nice and beautiful. and riz almost doesn't but he ultimately can't deny kristen a little peace#lmao I feel like dipping into baron stuff with the class swap is like showing my whole ass online again I just. I'm a#horror person before all else... I cant stop myself. canon baron is Great and Cool but that is kind of the thing. for a horror thing theyre#Too Cool. I think cool is kind of the neutralizer of scary. when a monster is a certain amount of cool it overrides the scary#and now u just have a Cool Monster#its so fucked for bard!riz this year bc he doesn't have an office (he's mooching off the school wifi from the AV club room lol)#so there's no buffer between adventure and home life. so baron just shows up in the strongtower apartment lmao#sophomore year bard!riz looks like a slasher protag so I just leaned into it I guess. he gets a mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon kennedy#well. its worse actually. they can show up where he is at any moment theyve proven this. but they dont#they choose to punish him slowly as he lies to his friends instead. baron is mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon and also a bitch#I think its gonna pop up if class swap baron ever speaks in a comic I do but their voice comes from like. inside their hollow face#it sounds like it's a lot deeper in there than that skull should be#tbh what I have rn is kinda like a bag of loose pieces that Can fit together into something great but I dont have the energy to#really sit down with them yet lol. Im doing this inbetween other things#it comes or it doesn't! it's fine. funny how today's bad comic day also. I wont say this is for bad comic day bc all my comics are#flawless and beautiful and perfect and awesome and beautiful and the best#but u should. if u havent drawn a comic today or at all ever u should draw a comic
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ironicsoap · 3 months ago
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you are expendable, you are not expected to return
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deoidesign · 9 months ago
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.
#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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butchnavi · 4 months ago
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you know as a neurodivergent person I only have two fucking requests of anyone I consider a friend: 1) do not cold shoulder or get aggressively angry with me for something you didn't bother to communicate you had a problem with and 2) do not fucking infantalize me and treat me like a naive fragile broken child who is a burden on everyone in my life. shouldn't be too hard right??? insane how many neurotypicals are fucking incapable of doing the bare fucking minimum
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phagodyke · 4 months ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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skunkes · 1 year ago
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the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.
I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....
every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....
#talkys#this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did#there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way#but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset...#i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish#i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above#in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good?#isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than...#i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish#and because im no better than anyone else#my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck#pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day#i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!!#and it is true....!#we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish#i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler.#*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim#i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....
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illogicalghost · 24 days ago
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#hi. this is going to be an ugly one#feel free to skip this because its gonna be rough#personal#in the winter of 2015 my girlfriend took her own life. she said she was sick and stayed home from school#she texted me “I love you.” and i knew she was gone before anyone would tell me#her parents murdered her. not directly. they didn't lay a hand on her. but they made her life so miserable that she felt she had#no other choice than to die. because they were homophobic. because they didn't believe in mental illness.#because they believed she could be 'cured' thru jesus. and they didn't love her for who she really was#and i hate them. i hate them more than any people on earth. because they will never admit it#they will never admit their role in her death. they blamed it on her eating disorder and brushed everything else under the rug#i didn't get to know her that well before she died. we only knew each other a few months.#and i.... god damnit#it still makes me so angry#this was nearly 10 years ago i cant fucking believe it.#her parents got all the fucking sympathy in the world when they deserved none.#they fucking killed her. anyone who actually knew her knows it. but no one is brave enough to say it#her dad worked at the school i had to go to for 3 more years and i just wanted to#either crawl in a hole or punch him in his stupid fucking face#everytime i saw him. she's dead because they couldn't conceive of a world where she could be gay and happy#or athiest and a good person. she told me she didn't believe any of the stuff her family did and i nearly threw up at her funeral#because it was all about god and jesus. and honestly it was barely about her. it was all about jumping on the pity train#for their poor parents.#i ran away from the casket. i didnt think she wouldve wanted any of this shit. i couldnt bear it#and i think. they sent her to one of those bullshit religious camps that abuse kids instead of actually treating their conditions#i honestly dont know what all they put her through. it makes me sick to imagine it.#i get all worked up about this everytime its terrible. i just cant understand how you can do that to your own child#and they fucking got away with it.#it makes me so furious beyond fucking reason like its un fucking real#sometimes living is . much harder than dying. i cant really elaborate much more than that#i miss you.
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autisticlee · 7 months ago
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months ago
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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