#i dont even want to move home anymore | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ivankov-save-me · 2 months ago

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I'm spiraling pretty bad right now. I just got off the phone with my parents, and they've been conservative and voted Trump in the past, but I've always thought of them as reasonable people with bad information who felt forced into it. When I deconstructed a bit and found myself in the dreaded Radical Left (tm) (c) (r), I was so fucked up over how it would affect our relationship that I spent a month researching and writing an essay fully outlining why I changed my mind with citations and easy to use links and everything. I was like "I know my Dad. He cares about these issues and sees things like I did, surely something here will awaken something in him." He even said he was taking his time reading through it and taking his time! I thought maybe I'd pull him at least further away from the weird shit he sometimes said.

Evidently not.

He managed to fit in a "joke" about the racist lie Trump spouted about Springfeild, Ohio in the couple of seconds I spoke to him on the call. I've been off of Facebook for a while, so I had a friend look at his wall. Full of anti-Kamala sentiment (not the "Arms Embargo Now" kind, some Facebook conservative bullshit), anti-trans sentiment, and just run of the mill conservative brainrot.

I feel so lost. Up until today I thought maybe he was different than he is, and that he wasn't just devolving into the bitter, angry, lonely old man sitting in front of his screen that his father is. He even sees the racism and bitterness in his father, and is ashamed of it, but im watching him do the exact same thing.

How am I supposed to come out as trans and be taken seriously now? Words can't describe the love I have for my dad, we have done so many cool things together. He's kind to so many people and there's so much I admire about him. And, most of all, when things aren't political and he is just him, I love being around my Dad.

I don't know if being a girl is worth losing my Dad. I'm worried it will push him to see me as "lost" to the woke mind virus in the same way I see him. He doesn't live in the same reality as me. How am I supposed to convince him that I should be taken seriously when I say I'm trans, let alone supported?

Worst and scariest yet, what if I am wrong about being trans, and this whole thing has just been a weeks long excursion in fooling myself and playing dress up? What if I go through all of the pain of losing him and have to crawl back and say "you're right, I'm not trans, I just wanted to be accepted into a community of people I thought were cool" or something. Or, worse yet, what if I get the support (even if confused) and get down the road to discover I'm not a trans woman? That also wouldn't go well.

And I understand all of the "well you don't need those people" things and the "trump didn't make anyone a bad person, he exposed how bad people are" and all that stuff. But it's still my Dad, and he was a great, kind man who worked hard to not be the bigot his father is before Trump. Now he thinks Harris is going to trans your kids and ban fossil fuels.

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thebirdandhersong · 1 month ago

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Lol

#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting #with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy #and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because #your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED #OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered #being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal #anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this #can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws #worries #and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please #also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up #in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite #but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying #you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents #but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents #not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up #that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY #you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard #i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation #and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far

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penisbilt · 6 months ago

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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

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robotpussy · 1 year ago

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this white woman is threatening to call the police on me after she fucking sprayed bathroom cleaner in my fucking face and lashed out and told her to fuck off

#i know she wont call the police because wtf are they gonna do? im not at home in literally going to class #and i wont get home until the evening but the fact that she's threatening me because she wanted me #to lash out is so evil im manifesting her death idgaf anymore!!!#incase ppl are wondering she was outside spraying the door for a hour and im like im not walking past her #incase she says i did something to her. but then im like nah im gonna be late if i dont leave now #incase she says i did something to her. so i close the door but because she has the front door open my door slams #so she screams 'dont slam the door' and im like it only slammed because of the wind #and then im waiting for her to move and she won't so i just tell her i need to get past and she's like fuck off you piece of shit #and i just get riled up like don't fucking talk to me all i did was tell you i need to get past but you called me names #so im gonna do it back cause im not letting that slide. and she fucking sprays the cleaner at me #and then when im like what the fuck is your problem shes like i can get you arrested for being violent #and im like.... call them cause i haven't touched you 🤷🏾‍♀️ shes been dying to say that to me i know it #that low life penny smelling pile of white flesh will get whats coming to her i say she drop dead soon!#the reason why she was claiming i was being violent was because i kicked the air as a reflex response....#i didnt kick her. i kicked the air but shes going to run with that

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saeshiraw · 1 year ago

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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

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sphylor · 3 months ago

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i dont know what to do about work anymore

#even if i wake up with little pain in the morning i always come home and spend the rest of my day unable to move or do anything #its fucking miserable #i cant do it anymore #but like i cant just quit #but also i cant find a fucking job where i would be able to sit down for most of the day because im not smart enough for those jobs #and i dont want to be talking on the phone to people all day either #everything is so big and confusing and im so lost and i dont know what to do

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mauv-the-bluest-cat-ever · 3 months ago

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*remembers about hrt* yeah Whatever *grits teeth strains knuckles* so what if i didnt even try it whaen it was available and now its banned So What *trembles with rage* im fine and im not firts and foremost mad at myself about it

#for context i planned starting hrt after fucking off from my home and securing my independency (i really do not want inform my parents about #not a good move to (want to) give up safety like that in hindsigh. stupidly ambitious even. maybe i Should try to inform my parents about i #and i wouldve probably got kicked out of uni (good thing in on itself) but bc there is no pressure i wouldntve felt bad about it!!!!!!!!!!!#you know how when you asked “what you want to do in live” and you Do Not fucking know even deep down #yeah hrt kind of was last thing i can kind of hold on. bc otherwise i dont really know whats the point anymore #mauv's meowing

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tendercoretroglodyke · 11 months ago

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I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!