#i prommy this will look good when everything is done there is just so much fucking landlord

[bitchfitch]

the important part of diy is having fun and being yourself.

[fungalittleweirdo]

PLS JULE, DONT EAT MIKEY!!! PLS, HE’S MY MAN. I REQUESTED FLUFF OF READER AND MIKEY WHEN HE REALIZES/STARTS GROWING HAIR. MAYBE PUT A JELLIE LEO(lol bald) IN THERE FOR FUNZIES. PLEASE JUST LET MY HUSBAND GO. CRYING AND SOBBING ON MY KNEES.

I WON'T EAT MIKEY I PROMMY !!!

this has been in my drafts since february 16 i'm so sorry riley

hey at least you saw everything i have written since then !!

anyway–

No Longer A Skinhead

"Hm, feels different," Mikey sits up and hops out of his hammock, adjusting the tie of his mask after he scratched underneath it, then begins his routinely stretches. He sits down on the floor, spreading his legs and pointing his feet, reaching over to do his usual ballet stretches for when he wakes up. His phone rings and he reaches for it, accepting the video call he was getting from you.

"Good morning, sunshine~" he sing-songs, propping his phone up and continuing to stretch, holding his arm across his plastron and switching.

"Morning Mikes, you told me you didn't have patrol last night, so I hope you slept well," your voice echoes from his phone, then a sizzle comes on from you making breakfast. Mikey hums in interest, stretching for a right split while he said he slept fairly easy.

"Whatcha makin' for breakfast, honey?" He laughs, switching to his other leg after a moment. You look up from the pan of eggs, holding up your spatula.

"Just regular eggs and bacon, toast is coming along nicely," You turn around to check the toaster oven on the other side of the kitchen, seeing your toast is almost done.

You look back at your phone to see Mikey getting up from the floor and leaving his room, the door clicking shut as he steps away from the subway car. He seems to be heading for his own kitchen, judging by the way the brick colour changes behind him. You've been to the lair so many times you can tell where the turtles are even on a regular audio call with them, just by the echo of their footsteps.

"What might you be making for breakfast, chef?" You ask playfully, taking a sip of your warm beverage you already made for yourself.

"I think I'll go for banana pancakes! Leo went to the Caribbean the other day and got a boatload of bananas somehow, so now we gotta get rid of them before they all get too ripe," Mikey scratched his head, feeling as though it's the fifth time his scalp has itched since waking up. He paid no mind to it, going on to make the pancake batter at the kitchen counter.

You turn back to your eggs and bacon, finding they finished cooking and you put them on your plate, turning to retrieve your toast, and grabbing a fork from the silverware drawer. Then you grab your phone, propping it up in front of you after you sit down at your tiny dining table. Mikey smiles at you warmly for a brief moment before going back to making pancakes, your heart beating just a little faster. You start eating while watching Mikey cook. The comfortable silence lasts until you hear the voices of Mikey's brothers over the call, laughing and bantering about whatever turtle guys their age talk about.

"So you know that trick I tried on the ramp the other day? Yeah, no, that was sick–" Leo's voice echoes through the kitchen and Donnie scoffed in retaliation. You could see Raph thumping behind Mikey like a zombie, grabbing the kettle to make some tea. Your heart warms seeing your friends having a regular morning, wishing they could have a break like the one they had last night every day. But Casey and April could only take so much vigilante-ism as humans with full time jobs in New York City. So you get it.

You spend the rest of your breakfast on video call with Mikey, Not only spending time with him but his brothers as they greet you through the phone, including you in their conversation while they have delicious banana pancakes together. After they finish, Mikey walks away to lead you back to his room, going on to get his art supplies ready. You think of how to approach your plans for the rest of the month for a moment before speaking your mind.

"I'm going out of state for a few weeks, I won't be reached through anything," you start, chewing your bottom lip. Mikey looks up from his sketchbook, giving you a curious look. "I'll be back on the thirtieth. That's Lou Jitsu night, right?" You pause, waiting for Mikey's response.

"Yeah, be there or be square!" He grins, looking back down at his sketchbook and continuing to draw. You smile softly, leaning forward to get a good look at him.

"I have to get ready for work now, so I'll see you in a few weeks, yeah?" You fiddle with a thread in your pyjamas, then get up from the couch to stretch. Mikey scratches his head again and reaches for his phone with his pencil in hand.

"Yeah! I love you! And stay safe! You know I'll find out immediately if you're not safe, okay?" Mikey smiled, but it was one of his intimidating smiles you built immunity for over the years, so you know it just means he's serious.

"Okay, I promise I'll be safe," you smile back, oozing affection so contagious it shoots another arrow through Mikey's heart, his intimidating smile washed away by a giddy one. You wave and hang up the call, then go back to your bedroom to get ready to go to work.

~

Your out-of-state trip passed, you're exhausted, and you desperately want to stay home to lay in bed for three days. But! You made your promise to attend Lou Jitsu night as soon as you got back, so you left your bags at your place and immediately went to the lair in your PJs, making sure no one saw or heard you open the manhole cover closest to it. You feel a sense of comfort wash over you when you see the familiar drain of clean water, walking over to the vault door and opening it carefully, knowing all the security precautions Donnie had put in place. You walk around, heading toward the voices you hear in the projection room.

"Leo, what are you wearing?" Raph's annoyed voice bounced off the brick.

"My new trademark pegasus onesie! I got that unicorn one years ago but it has holes in it now, so I bought a new pony onesie that suits me better. It's so fuzzy and high quality, it was totally worth the price."

"A wasteful investment, dear brother. You could have gotten the Jupiter Jim Atomic Lass and Atomic Lad statuette set from Japan with that money."

You step into the room to find Leo flaunting himself as if he was on a runway wearing what indeed looked to be a pegasus onesie, the zipper zipped up just under his pectoral scutes and a hood covering his bald head. Your eyes flicker between Raph, Donnie, April, and the Caseys, but you can't see Mikey in his usual spot.

"Hey guys!" You make your presence known and everyone looks at you, immediately smiling and tackling you for a hug. You lay on the floor laughing, patting and poking everyone to get them off you as you get up from the floor, rubbing your lower back. Raph reaches out to you in worry.

"Sorry' bout that, did we hurt you too bad? We jus' missed ya," He smiles sheepishly and you shake your head.

"No! No! You guys are fine! I... I'm wondering where Mikey is," you look between them all and see that Leo had an annoyed pout on his face, arms crossed and walking away.

"He's probably in his room," Casey Jr. said, a knowing look on his face, "grooming himself to be presentable tonight."

You quirk an eyebrow at this, stepping away from everyone with a nod.

"You guys mind if I go check on him?" Everyone gave you the go ahead and you left the projection room to head down to the boys' bedrooms downstairs. You distinguish Mikey's in the darkness just by the subway car's lights being on, approaching it to knock on the door.

"I'll be up in a sec! Have you ever heard of patience–" Mikey opens the door and stops in his tracks when he sees you. You look up at him with bug eyes and a dropped jaw, reaching up and stopping, breath caught in your lungs in hesitation before Mikey gave you a nod. Fingers tangle through the short locks, feeling how soft and well taken care of his strands are. You watch his hair wrap around your fingers in wonder, reaching up to hold his face.

"Heh... I wanted this to be a surprise for when you got back..." Mikey smiles shyly, eyes flickering away from you. You pull him in for a kiss, his face warming quickly as you continue peppering kisses on his cheeks, then moving up to his scalp.

"Oh my gosh, Mikey, you look so pretty!"

You continue to dote on him, his giggles echoing around the lair as you hold him close. His heart beat out of his chest, knees feeling weak as you kiss him again, this time with a lot more vehemence. More fervency. More passion. You continue babbling about how handsome he is until someone cleared their throat behind you, turning to see Leo with his arms crossed and a portal behind him.

"I'm still more good looking than him though," Leo scoffs, smirking and leaning down to be eye-level with you.

"Last time I checked, you weren't the one growing hair," you pulled Mikey into you protectively, kissing the side of his head. His cheeks warmed again and his eyes shined brighter from your skin contact, tingles running through him. Leo rolls his eyes, gesturing toward the portal so that you all could walk through and start Lou Jitsu night.

Mikey held you close throughout the whole movie marathon, never seeming to wipe that grin off his face knowing you love him even with his new look.

[jw-horror-stories]

Oh, boy, let me think of some good stories. I was fortunate enough that my family never tried to pressure baptism on me (My grandfather did, but only once). I never got baptized because of this.

I also lucked out in that I don't have any creepy old man stories, or anything else of that nature.

I DO have trauma from they way they use the world 'homosexual'.

Once, when my sister was like, 5? She made a board game all by herself, using paper. It was called 'Run Away from the Demons and Go to Jesus.' There were some awesome stick figure demons. Jeezy Boy, however, did not make it into the picture.

My parents had a good sense of humor about it, though.

I vividly remember reading a Watchtower article discussing a man who had a 'homosexual lifestyle' before coming into 'the truth'. He prayed to God and it went away tho!!! Prommy!!!!

(I feel so bad for him and I hope he realizes he doesn't have to do that.)

If I get anymore crazy stories, I'll let you know (I'm a minor and am stilled being brought every Sunday).

As soon as I sent that last ask I remembered a story! I had to listen to a talk given by a brother who clearly did NOT research evolution outside of the JW publications. He said (all in his talk about EVOLUTION): - There is NO evidence for evolution. None. Not even a bit. Not a single piece. Nada. - The sun will never run out of (quote) "fuel". (I don't remember how this tied in at all. Chances are it didn't.) - If bees died there would NO POLLINATORS. AT ALL. No more bees; no more anything!!!! (He literally said that without bees no flowers would ever be pollinated. Man has not seen a butterfly. Tragic.) - AI stands for AUTOMATED INFORMATION. (He did mean actual AI, he used this talking point as a 'gotchya' because humans cannot come close to creating a brain. Therefore: God.) - Evolution is being taught EXACTLY THE SAME as it was 60 years ago. (Tell me you've never looked into it without telling me you've never look into it.) The only difference is when HE was a kid it was a THEORY but now it's taught as a FACT. (No???) - Things NEVER crash in space because GOD is guiding them! (???? Man said this DURING a meteor shower btw) - Ants are NOT STRONG. (What. What are you talking about.) In the same line as the previous note he DID say elephants are strong. This is evidence of god's POWER. (I nearly had to leave the room. Elephants are evidence of god's power but ANTS are not???) This was all in one 45 minute talk. He bounced from point to point so much that it was too hard to follow and he just said straight-up untrue things half the time. If it wasn't so infuriating, it would have been funny.

Hoo boi, lots to unpack here, so let me just get everything done in one ultimate post.

The first part about the homosexuality, all I can say is that more likely than not the article you mentioned was most likely fictitious, or at least greatly embellished (probably involved a slightly girly man, or a slightly boyish woman, all that GNC shit they don't like).

And now, that 45 minute indoctrination session talk you heard.

There is NO evidence for evolution - yeah we were always at war with Eurasia. Okay, not quite that level of Orwell, but it's still bad. And also laughably stupid.

The sun will never run out of (quote) "fuel". - all part of a large over-arching narrative of "god has god powers so sun is forever and so is humans"

If bees died there would NO POLLINATORS - nevermind the butterflies for a moment, if such a cataclysmic mass extinction of bees did happen, flowers that do not need pollination would overtake the gene pool, and oh look, evolution. Those that survive the new conditions would take over. Funny that.

AI stands for AUTOMATED INFORMATION - I keep reading AI as "Accuracy International". Hey, if he can put in irrelevant nonsense then so can I. Only difference is I'm not pulling any bullshit here. Look them up, pretty cool, but autistic infodumping will have to wait.

Evolution is being taught EXACTLY THE SAME as it was 60 years ago - You can tell roughly how old this speaker was. Hey gramps, your information is pretty outdated, have you finally switched over to Windows 98 yet?

Things NEVER crash in space because GOD is guiding them! - Oh okay, so his knowledge of magnetic fields would imply that he's yet to discover the automobile. Or that it costs more than $5 a day for a good living wage. Does he even know about the Printing Press?

Ants are NOT STRONG - ok boomer

ngl it was actually kinda fun to respond to those talking points, just because of how utterly absurd it all is. I find that laughing at it rather than trying to understand the reasoning is ultimately better for one's mental health.

-Mod Degurechaff, needs more shit to respond to

[lcs-library]

Short fluffy fic for @ashipiko about her sillies<33333 It’s pre-relationship and has a sort of “fell first, fell harder” dynamic, so I hope you enjoy hehe they were so fun to write!!!

“C’mon, it’ll be fun! Please? Because I’m the coolest and you love me so much?” Ashi pleaded, clasping her hands together and giving Azami the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster. Even still, she couldn’t disregard the slight blush dotting his cheeks at the l-word.

“…Fine.” Azami accepted after some hesitation, having to turn away to protect himself from getting ten times more flustered than he already was at her antics.

“Yay!” She cheered, dropping the cute act to throw her hands in the air with glee. “We’re gonna have loads of fun, prommy!” She said with a wink.

As it had turned out, her cousins had managed to get a couple of tickets to a new museum in Veludo through some connections. Apparently, it was meant to combine both art and general history, but she decided it wouldn’t be much fun on her own, so who better to take than Azamin? He mentioned liking history one time, right? And Ashi could look at the art! Win-win!

When they arrived(with Azami having to practically spring after Ashi), they were met with a grand exterior, showcasing the large “grand opening” banner. The two gawked for but a moment before Ashi dragged her friend inside by the wrist eagerly, grinning like a madman.

It may have been a good thing that she didn’t see the wreck Azami had become at the simple affection. Not even that, but the fact that she was so casual about it? He could barely comprehend how she didn’t think anything of it.

Once their tickets were accepted and they entered the lobby, Ashi turned to Azami.

“So, where to first? You’ve prolly got better taste in this stuff than I do, Azamin!” She exclaimed, squeezing his hand slightly, only deepening the hues on Azami’s cheeks.

“They’ve got dinosaur bones, so, uh, let’s see those.” Azami replied quietly, avoiding eye contact.

“Dinos, huh? Okay! Sounds super hypesies!” Ashi beamed, throwing up a peace sign before dragging Azami across the museum to find the exhibit.

Azami really wished he could let go. This was completely, utterly, totally improper, even if they were just friends. That didn’t change the fact that it was gross! And in public? What would other people think?

And yet, it felt…nice? To age someone who genuinely wanted to spend time with him was something new. To be connected to someone both physically and emotionally was something he had to admit he missed, even just a little.

Then, all of a sudden, someone who wants it just as much as he does shows up and thing actually start to feel alright? Not only that, but she had a similar mentality about age and how they were treated because of it? It all clicked together a little too perfectly, like they were made for each other.

Wait, why was his heart beating faster at the thought?

“Azamin?” Ashi’s voice interrupted his thoughts. Oh, no, now it was hard to look at her. Shit. He put on a brave face and responded as best as he could.

“What’s up?” A voice crack. Why, God?

“We’re here!”

So they were. Azami gazed around the room, taking everything in.

He almost looked like a little kid in the way his eyes shined, Ashi thought. It was cute, something rare for him.

Soon, she found herself skipping after Azami as he prattled on and on about every single creature, giving her an endless supply of facts as she supported him.

“Where’d you learn all of these, Azamin? They’re, like, super cool!”

“I just liked ‘em as a kid…” he muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he realized how he was acting.

God, he was so adorable, Ashi couldn’t stand it. She let out a hearty chuckle as he tried not to let her feelings show, lest Azami kill her for seeing him like this.

“You done here?” She asked cheerfully.

“Yeah. Let’s go see the paintings you wanted.”

“Okie! Race you there!” She dashed off.

“Wh- hey! You shouldn’t do that here!” Azami cried, rushing after her.

[ratbastarddotfuck]

ALRIGHT let's go gamers. You're here to learn how to cook:

Ratspaghetti

Ratspaghetti is a BASE recipe. That means you can essentially add any ingredient you'd like at any point, and it'll probably be fine. To be clear: most pasta dishes that I've cooked are like this. But this in particular is rich and slow-simmered, and most vegetables or meats/proteins will incorporate quite well. It's highly adjustable to your preference.

Difficulty rating: pretty easy, but takes a while

Italians look away please. This is not your mama's spaghetti.

Ingredients:

Butter (I use salted, it doesn't really matter, but yes we are cooking with butter. You don't have to, but it makes this dish soooo much better I prommie)

Beef mince 500g (any type of minced protein would work fine. I've also had success cooking this with chopped chunks of meat so I imagine mixed veg or lentils would work well) (the protein can also be doubled without necessarily doubling any of the rest of the sauce! I regularly cook this with 1kg of meat to make sure we've got lots of leftovers.)

Mushrooms 400g+ (if you don't like mushrooms, don't use them. I know this seems like a lot of mushrooms. They shrink a lot. But they absorb a LOT of flavour and I really recommend them a lot here)

Garlic out the wazoo (you can also utilise other aromatics - more on that later)

Pasta of choice (yes it's called "spaghetti" yes we use rigatoni it literally doesn't matter)

1 tin chopped tomatoes (250g)

1 jar pre-made bolognese sauce (the one I get includes little bacon chunks, onion, herbs, and a bunch of other stuff. No this is not cheating. Do it yourself if you want, but i'm disabled lol)

Other optional ingredients will be noted along the way!

Recipe:

Put your pasta on to boil. Heavily salt the water. Use juuust enough water to cover the pasta. Eventually you will be pouring all of this into the dish, and you don't want a lot of excess water.

In your biggest pan - fry pan, wok, giant pot idc whatever you have on hand - melt a big hunk of butter. I've never measured this, just hack off a decent sized lump. If you have aromatics - carrot, onion, etc - or bacon, this would be a great time to start those. Otherwise, chuck in your mince/protein, as much crushed garlic as your heart desires, and maybe some msg salt. Brown the meat.

Check your butter levels - if things are looking dry, you may need to add more. Play it by ear. We're about to add the mushrooms, and they soak up a lot of moisture. So here, toss in your sliced mushrooms. I would also add: eggplant and zucchini, as I love the hearty punch these add to the dish. If you have any other veg you'd like to add, do it now. Here is also where I toss in any seasonings - I like to add paprika and rosemary, but otherwise I don't go too heavy. If I want it to feel a little more hearty, here I will crumble up a beef stock cube and sprinkle it over the whole dish. Why da hell not.

Stir everything until the mushrooms/other veg are soft. Add more butter if needed. Too much liquid isn't a problem - we will be cooking it down- so don't worry if you add too much.

Crack open your tin of tomatoes and your jar of sauce. Add both and stir through. Turn the pan down to low. Wash out the tin and the jar with water from the cooking pasta, and pour it into the pan.

By this point, your pasta should be mostly done cooking - don't stress if it isn't perfect yet. Pour the entire contents of the pasta pot - water and all - into the pan containing our sauce. Stir everything through.

Now, this is the part of the process that makes this meal good. We are going to bring that pan just to boiling point, and then let it simmer for at least half an hour, stirring occasionally to make sure things don't get cooked to the bottom. You will know it is finished when the smell is strong and sweet, the colour is dark, and the sauce is thick. You can thicken as much or as little as you like really, it depends how patient you are, but the longer the better.

This extended simmering does multiple things for the dish. First, obviously, it cooks out all that excess liquid we added, so our dish isn't soupy. Why did we add the liquid? Because the gluten, starch, salts, and nutrients in that pasta water are going to do incredible things to our food, and it would be a tremendous shame to send them down the drain. Secondly, simmering for this long cooks the tomatoes. Cooking brings out their natural sugars, bringing in this beautiful tangy but sweet richness to the sauce. In tandem with the butter, it's all a bit French if I'm honest. But this is why people always love when I cook this. It's fucking good. It kind of becomes more like a stew than a pasta dish, in a way.

Anything you've put into this dish will come out tender and delectable and you will enjoy it. I came to this particular recipe after many years of tinkering with spag bols, and I'm sure I will find ways to further improve it in future. I consider this relatively low effort for a high reward, though you're standing there for quite a while (I make ample use of chairs when im cooking and I recommend you do the same). In all it usually takes me about an hour to cook.

Please let me know if you cook this or adjust this method to work for something else!! I'd love to hear people r eating my food

Does anyone want my spaghetti bolognese recipe? It's one of my favourite meals, it is rich and delicious, and everyone who eats it says that it is the best spag bol they've ever tasted.

[kryogie]

NO ROTTMNT SPOILERS I PROMMIE

it makes me so sad that rise doesnt get the attention and love that previous tmnt series' have gotten because i feel like rise has perfected what the other tmnt series' and movies have tried to achieve for a long time. just the attention to detail alone in the series and making each brother unique and different by making them DIFFERENT KINDS OF TURTLES WHAT! is SO COOL especially as someone who like. genuinely just likes turtles?? when i first started watching rise it was so fun to see that they were different kinds of turtles and KNOWING WHAT KINDS THEY WERE! that was so cool for me personally. the art style and animation just adds to it too everything is so smooth and colorful and action packed EXACTLY how it should be. thats definitely something i think 2013 tmnt lacked it looks SO bland and grey in comparison with rise i cant even believe i liked that one so much when it came out tbh. i also love that they didnt ENTIRELY get rid of the stereotypical raph and leo bickering and quarrel but made it feel more real and not as "toxic" and just kind of uncomfortable to watch. like yea siblings dont always get along but THESE siblings have been through so much and CONTINUE TO go thru it they would never have that kind of hatred towards each other!!! im SO glad they did something different this time its so refreshing. ALSO RISE DOESNT COMPLETELY IGNORE DONNIE AND MIKEY!!!!! 2013 imo did them so dirty they arent just a "b team" or any less important or strong than raph and leo they deserved better and rise did it so good. ok im done ranting for now WATCH RISE PLEASE IM BEGGING

[thatringboy]

Xiaoven idol au? 👀 (no angst please ahah)

okay it may seem a tiny bit angsty at the beginning but i prommy it turns into kisses and cuteness as it goes on

We're Doing It Together

Warnings: Xiao being dumb as rocks and oblivious as hell to everything

Characters: Xiao, Venti

Ships: Xiaoven

Word Count: 1,774

Summary: Idol!Xiao finds out that his close friend Venti wants to join a new troupe after the two of them being solo for a while

The cold night air bit at the young man’s nose as he pulled his forest green hood down over his eyes. He could see his breath float away in the air as he sighed and checked his watch.

He’s late.

The sound of sneakers smacking the pavement got louder in his ears until someone ran up to him out of breath. “Xiao! I’m so sorry! Practice ran long and then Kaeya started an argument with Lisa and then--”

Xiao put a hand to silence him and returned his gaze to the frozen river under the bridge. “It’s fine. Must be nice to have a group like that.”

The new arrival laughed lightly and nudged him. “You make it sound like I’m on stage preforming with them!”

“It’s not like Jean won’t let you.”

He put his hands behind his head, his teal braids blowing gently in the wind. “Eh, my time has come and gone for this business.”

Xiao glared at him. “You make us sound old!”

It was true, the two young men no longer preformed with their original groups. Xiao’s group “Yaksha 5” had disbanded as the other four members all left the idol business and his new band “Adepti” only met once a month to write songs. No more live performances. The other young man, Venti, used to preform under the stagename “Barbatos” with the famous idol group “Celestia”, but he and the other remaining senior member - a tall man who went by the stagename “Morax” - had left a while ago. Now, Morax went by Zhongli and occasionally wrote songs with Adepti while Venti became a choreographer with a popular rookie troupe named “Favonius”.

The two stood there in silence watching the lights of streetlamps dance off of falling snowflakes before them. Venti tucked his hands into his jacket pockets and sighed. “I got an offer from a new group of guys who want me on stage with them. They say they want me on soprano.”

Xiao gave him a sideways look. “And? I thought you swore off preforming or something when you left Celestia.”

Venti balled his hands into fists inside his pocket and didn’t meet his eyes. “I think… I met the center of this group; he’s a really nice guy. They’ve got a manager already and apparently have done some music with Jean. She’s the one who got me in contact with them.”

“So you’re gonna join them?” His voice sounded distant, lonely. There weren’t many solo performers in the idol world. Xiao and Venti had been riding their residual fame from their past groups for years and hadn’t really signed contracts with a single troupe from how sourly they left their past groups. Xiao thought they were special in that way… but Venti was the one still getting new offers for shows while Xiao had to almost beg to be an opening.

Venti looked him in the eyes. “I haven’t agreed to yet.”

“Really?” Xiao scoffed. “And here I thought you would be all over the chance to start a new group.”

The shorter man squinted his eyes. “I told them I’m only joining up if my conditions are met!”

Xiao’s eyebrows shot up. “You have standards?”

“Of course! And very high ones at that!” Venti pouted. “How else do you think I put up with you?”

Xiao felt warm in the face at that remark, he only prayed that the darkness of the night hid this from Venti.

Suddenly, Venti’s volume dropped to a whisper and he began to fidget with his fingers. “My conditions were that you had to join the group as well. They want to call the group ‘4NEMO’ and they were still searching for a fourth guy so I figured…”

He trailed off as he caught Xiao staring at him with a bewildered expression. Venti began to panic. Did he just hurt Xiao’s pride? He knew that the taller man didn’t like to accept help from others, but for some reason he thought this time would be different.

Venti was yanked from his thoughts as Xiao closed the distance between them and engulfed him in a hug. “My my, what a sudden show of affection!”

Xiao had did it to keep Venti from seeing the red on his cheek. Truth be told, he was deeply touched by Venti turning down a chance to play more shows if he couldn’t be by his side, but he was too inexperienced at returning kindness. A hug seemed to suffice, right?

“Thank you, Venti, that means the world to me.”

“Does it really?” The words spilled from his mouth before he even finished thinking them. He didn’t want Xiao to agree to something as serious as starting a new idol group with strangers just to appease him.

Xiao pulled away just to lean down and press the softest of kisses to Venti’s lips. The shorter of the two thought his heart was going to explode. Sure, the two had danced around each other for as long as they knew each other and Venti would have been a fool to not notice Xiao’s attractiveness during that time. But they had never been more than friends-who-flirt-with-each-other.

The taller pulled away with a red face as he searched Venti’s eyes. “Does that convince you?”

Venti nodded briskly, his brain not exactly processing what had just happened. It seemed Xiao’s brain was only just then catching up to his actions because he suddenly stepped back and covered his mouth with his hands, his eyes widening to a horrified expression.

“I didn’t--I mean--I--Sorry!” He blurted out from behind his hands.

Venti touched his own lips and blinked a few times before thinking of what to say. “So you really want to be in a group with me, huh?”

Xiao pulled his hands down and while his face was contorted into a snarl, his cheeks still burned red. “And? So what?! Don’t let it go to your head, I just need the money!”

The shorter man giggled and grabbed Xiao’s hand, lacing their fingers together without any resistance. “Sure, whatever you say~”

Despite his harsh tone, Xiao pressed the side of his body next to Venti’s to b closer to him. “So, who are the guys in this group?”

Venti hummed. “Well, the center is this blonde guy named Aether who’s new in town. I heard he’s done some work for Favonius in the past and that he’s friends with the girls in Qixing. The other guy is named Kazuha. He ran with Beidou’s crew for a bit to get away from the whole Tenryou Doxxing drama and now he’s teaming up with Aether to form 4NEMO. I think the manager is Sucrose. You know, Albedo’s manager? She’s picking up the job for this group too.”

“Hmm, impressive. Sounds like a good group. I think I’ll like it.” Xiao looked out to the distance.

Venti beamed. “Wait, you mean it?”

Xiao felt himself turning red again. “Ah, yeah, sure. I know Aether, we did so collab work once, I trust him.”

Venti reached up and poked his cheek. “And because you’ll be dancing with me?”

Xiao grabbed his hand and leaned down again. “I wouldn’t mind getting back into the idol drama if you were by my side. Maybe I just want you.”

The shorter man went red in the face and tried to laugh that last statement off. “Wow, that’s some confession, huh? It’s a good thing I feel the same way, otherwise I’d tease you to death over this.”

Xiao let go and his face dropped into a shocked expression. “You’re serious? You feel the same?”

Venti laughed out loud, hugging his sides. “Yes, dummy! Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered with all of this! I thought all of that was clear when you kissed me! Gods you are slow!”

Xiao frowned and crossed him arms. “I was just… you’re very hard to read!”

Venti stopped laughing and grabbed the sides of Xiao’s hood, pulling him down to eye level. “And you are like an open book. It’s funny to watch you, Xiao. You can be very suave and smooth with your words, but other times you get all flustered and you close up. It’s cute!”

“I’m not cute.” He didn’t pull away, just adverted his eyes.

Venti made a disagreeing noise and closed the distance between them. This time the kiss was softer, smoother and had much more passion behind it. Venti made a happy noise when he felt Xiao wrap his arms around his back and moved to place his own arms around Xiao’s neck.

Xiao found himself sinking more and more into Venti’s embrace. The taste of cheap wine on his breath, the way his mouth molded to hold him and the way his hands gently caressed the back of his head was all too much for him to handle. His anxieties melted away as he pulled Venti’s smaller frame flush against his own. For just how long had he been waiting to do this? Ever since they met, Venti had always been flirty and open about his emotions, but Xiao had quickly deduced that it was all a mask he put on to keep himself from being hurt by those around him. Xiao was similar in that sense, always acting aloof and angry to keep people from getting too close to him. But when he was with Venti… none of that mattered. When he was with Venti, he didn’t care how badly things ended with Yaksha 5, he didn’t notice the way his ratings dropped, he didn’t pay attention to the social media slandering.

Venti was like some sort of wind spirit: always floating from one place to the other without a concern. Xiao wanted to learn more, to be more like him. And to him, joining this new 4NEMO group was the fastest way to do that.

When they pulled away, Venti did not fail to notice the glimmer of love in Xiao’s gaze. He brought his hands down to Xiao’s waist and hugged him close with a giggle. “You are cute.”

“No I’m not.” Xiao hugged him back with a pout.”

“Yes you are~”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes-s-s-s you are Gao-Xiao!” Venti bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Xiao let go and tried to push him away. “I am going to throw you over the side of this bridge if you call me cute one more time.”

Venti let him go with a smile, a hand fishing into his pocket for his phone. “Then I’ll call Aether and tell him you’re in?”

Xiao’s face went back to the loving smile from before. “Sure thing.”

[annabethy]

under the mistletoe, watching the fire glow day 10: pen pal

Character A and Character B both sign up for a Christmas Pen Pal project to exchange post cards,, percabeth. not just letters I promise

01/04/2008

Hi! My name’s A, and I’m eight years old. Well, my name isn’t actually A, but I don’t know you yet so I can’t tell you my real name. I don’t know your name, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.

I don’t know why I’m doing this whole pen pal thing. I just thought it would be fun, but I don’t really know what to expect either. I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself.

My favorite color is grey, like my eyes. I like to read a lot too. I don’t have many friends, but that’s just because I don’t like talking to people. They start to talk, and it makes me feel like I want to hit them, so I prefer to just be by myself. I wouldn’t mind being your friend, though. I don’t have to hear you talk.

Hope I get your response soon! Goodbye until then!

Love, A.

,,

01/27/2008

Dear A,

I guess you can call me P then. I’m eight years old too, so that’s cool! We’re practically best friends already. I’m doing the pen pal thing because my teacher says I should practice writing. I’m not very good at writing, but I promiss prommis promise I’ll get better for you!

I like to swim. The water is cold where I live, but I still go in anyways. My mom says I’ll get hypothermia, but I do it anyways because it’s fun. I wonder if you like the water too? You’re crazy if you don’t, but it’s okay. I’ll be your friend anyways. I have one friend, but I don’t really like them very much. They’re mean to me a lot. You seem much nicer.

I’m so excited to get to talk to you!

From P :)

,,

05/07/2012

Hey, P! It’s been a couple of months since we spoke. I’ve missed my mystery-stranger-pen-pal-person. Hope you’re doing well.

Honestly, not much has happened with me. It’s the end of sixth grade, thank god. I actually hate all of my teachers. Especially the history one. She makes something that could be so interesting so dull, and it’s upsetting. There’s so much to tell about the past, and she’s ruining it. I’d consider saying something to her, but you know how it is.

I’ll just complain to you instead ;)

I remember you said you were applying to the swim team, and I think that’s so exciting! I know the try-outs passed, so let me know if you got in! (and if you didn’t, don’t worry about it. You don’t need to explain it to me if you don’t want to.)

Anyways, eagerly awaiting your response (but not that eagerly. It’ll be a couple of weeks, if not more.)

Love, A.

,,

05/20/2012

A! I’m insulted that you would think I didn’t make it onto the swim team. I am one with the fish. I am living my dream of swimming around the water like a turtle. It’s been pretty fun actually, except for when I ran into a wall and nearly bust my head open months ago. We don’t like to speak of that moment.

And yes, your history teacher is absolutely bizzare bizarre. I’m not the best with grades and spelling (clearly. I mean, look at my spelling of “bizarre”) but history is one of my better subjects, surprisingly. I think that it’s because the past is so important. My mom always likes to tell me that without the past, we wouldn’t learn for the future, so I try to pay attention to that class. I’m sorry you don’t like it :(

I really missed talking to you too. I don’t even know your name (cue frown), but I feel like I’ve known you my entire life. A person I can talk to when there’s no one else.

You’re my best friend (though I do love the term “mystery-stranger-pen-pal person).

Sincerely, P.

,,

10/7/2016

P! Get ready for my rant because I’m about to go off, and you’re going to listen.

People always say that you lose friends sophomore year. I didn’t think that was true. BOY, was I wrong. I’ve lost, like, twenty friends. I thought I’d be more upset about it, but honestly, I’m relieved. They always made me feel excluded, and without them, I’m not going home near tears every day.

I did meet a guy. His name is Luke, and he’s a junior. We’re not dating, but I wouldn’t mind it if we did. Not that I think it’ll ever happen because I’m too focused on school, but it would be nice to at least be friends. He’s really nice.

Also! The last letter was two months ago (?) and you said your school placed second in the state competition! Does that mean you’re going to nationals?

If you are, I am so proud of you. You seriously have to let me know how that goes.

Until next time.

Love, A.

,,

10/27/2016

A, my love!

As your best friend, I am obligated to say that you must not let the man be an obstacle to your schoolwork. I say this because I want you to do well. (Also because I’m in love with you)

Really though, I’m happy for you. I hope everything works out and you’re happy. That’s all that matters.

As for the sophomore thing, I felt that. I’ve never had all that many friends, but a lot of them changed. Change isn’t a bad thing I guess, but I wasn’t willing to stick around for them destroying themselves, so I didn’t. I’m always here if you need me.

(And I did place at states! Nationals was actually a few weeks ago! I didn’t place there, but I apparently got pretty close, which is awesome)

Love, P.

,,

04/03/2017

A! It’s been a while. I haven’t heard from you since October, and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Is that weird? I don’t know you but I’m checking in?

Oh well. I just really missed you. Not much has happened. Just wanted to say hi. Hope all is well.

Love, P.

,,

12/25/2017

A! Babes! Where are you? I’ve sent a few letters but haven’t gotten any responses. You’re kind of scaring me haha. Is it something I said?

I totally get if you don’t want to do this anymore, but just let me know please? I’m checking the mail every day and I keep getting more and more worried, so… Just let me know, please.

I miss you.

Love, P.

,,

06/01/2018

Dear A,

You never responded to any of my last letter. I get the feeling you’re not going to respond anymore, so I guess this is my last letter.

I graduated. Finally. It was a struggle, but I managed to bring my grades up. I even got accepted to a pretty good school. It’s not Ivy League, like I’m sure you got into. You’ve always been so smart.

I’m going to school in New York. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that in any of the 126 letters we’ve sent. I counted.

Anyways, I just really miss you. I hope you’re okay, and I really wish you the best.

My name’s Percy by the way.

Love, Percy.

,,

12/24/2023

Percy jumps as his girlfriend wraps her arms around his shoulder and nips at his ear. He turns and gives her a playful look.

“You want to take me to the ground?” he asks.

Annabeth rolls her eyes, sliding her hand into his. She feels really warm, even in the cold air outside of Rockefeller Center. “I’m not that heavy.”

“What if I told you you’re wrong?”

“You would get no more kisses for today.”

“Oh, we can’t have that.” Percy’s arms slide to wrap around her waist and tug her closer to his. She doesn’t resist, hugging him back. Percy nudges her jaw with his nose until she turns her face up so he can kiss her. “You’re not heavy at all. Super light, actually.”

She hums, kissing him again. “Good answer.”

Percy laughs, letting him detangle himself from her. His hand goes back to hers, and they begin walking around the plaza, taking in the beautiful decorations. It’s really pretty outside. He’s always had a thing for Christmas and its sparkling lights. He loves the smell of the pine trees and the feel of the light snowflakes against his face.

Annabeth swings her hands between them, and he thinks she looks so cute with her hair down in the cold and nose turned red that he can’t help but kiss her on the cheek.

Percy catches sight of a large sign at a random booth sitting along the edge of one of the buildings. It’s decorated horribly in the most adorable way — no doubt done by children. It’s what it reads that really makes him doubletake.

He just barely manages to make out the words, Christmas Pen Pal Exchange.

It makes his heart ache. He hasn’t heard from A since sophomore year of high school when he was sixteen. He’s twenty-three now. He can’t believe it’s this close to ten years since he heard from her.

He misses her so much. It’s not that he necessarily needed her because he has Annabeth, and he wouldn’t trade that for the world. He’s in love with Annabeth. He thinks he’s going to marry her someday.

A helped him get through difficult times. He wishes he could at least know that she was okay, or why she stopped talking to him. He doesn’t care why it happened anymore. He just wants to know, and to tell her things he was always too scared to say.

Annabeth bumps his shoulder as they pass the booth. “You okay?”

Percy swallows the small lump in his throat that formed. “I’m okay.”

“You sure? You look like you’re about to cry.”

A part of Percy doesn’t want to tell her. He wants to keep it to himself because he has for so long. What he and A had was different.

The other part, and the bigger part, does want to tell Annabeth. He loves her and wants her to know every piece of him. Annabeth is Percy’s best friend now, and there’s no reason for him to keep something like this for her.

“It’s just.” Percy pauses, looking over his shoulder at the booth. “I did one of those when I was young.”

He expects her to tease him, so he’s surprised when she says, “I did too.”

Percy looks at her. “You did?”

“Yeah. I was eight, I think.”

Percy breaks into a smile. “So you were that kid with no friends in elementary.”

“Okay, mister, you wrote them too.”

“That’s how I know you were a loser back then. I was too.”

“A match made in heaven,” she says, wrapping herself in his arms to block the wind that’s begun to blow harder. “Do you still talk to them?”

“Not anymore,” he admits. “We just stopped talking.”

“Aw. Why?”

Percy breathes deeply. “I’m honestly not sure. She just stopped talking to me.”

“What an ass,” Annabeth says.

“Right?” Percy laughs slightly. “I miss her, to be honest. Is that weird? I just used to talk to her all the time, and then — nothing.”

“It’s not weird at all,” she tells him, snuggling her face into the crook of his neck. “I miss mine too.”

“Why’d you stop talking?”

“I moved here. I lost their address, and I got a new one. It just didn’t work after that.” She smiles, thinking of a fond memory. “They used to call me their best friend. The only one I had.”

Percy turns his nose up. “Well now you have me, so forget that guy. No man dares hurt my baby.”

“If I ever meet them, promise to beat their ass.”

“I’ll do my best,” he promises.

“What was their name?” she asks. “Of your pen pal?”

“I never found out,” he says. “She didn’t tell me her name. Only that it started with an A, so I called myself P, and we just kind of went on like that.”

The atmosphere suddenly turns cold as Annabeth stiffens in his arms.

“What is it?” he asks.

“You called yourself P? And the other person was A?”

Percy thinks to confirm before saying, “Yes. Why?”

“Did this person also meet a guy named Luke?”

Percy pulls away slightly. “How did you know that?”

“And you told them about your love for history at one point?” Percy suddenly feels lightheaded. “Annabeth…”

Annabeth’s lower lip trembled, and when she speaks, it comes out cracked. “I’m A.”

It hits him like a train, and Percy suddenly can’t breathe. His mouth opens for air, but his lungs fail him. His mind races, he doesn’t know what to say, and he feels like he’s going to pass out, and… “Oh my god,” is all he manages.

“Percy.”

“You’re A.”

Tears are falling from her eyes, and he doesn’t know how to feel. He doesn’t feel anything at all at first. It’s a weight off his chest, and he’s finally able to take a wrangled breath as it settles inside him. He feels something dripping down his face and realizes it’s tears.

He feels like he should be mad, but he’s not. He can’t be mad at Annabeth because he loves her so much, and he knows what happened, and it’s not her fault, and it’s not his either, and he’s in love with her.

Percy tugs her close. He doesn’t kiss her because right now, this is him seeing A again. His face is in his neck, and he can hear her sobs, and he’s sure his are just as bad. He pulls away, and he lets himself kiss her this time.

“I missed you so much,” he whispers into the kiss. He can taste the tears falling, but he pays it no attention. “I missed you, and I love you so much.”

“I’m sorry,” is what she says.

“Don’t,” he says, pulling away sharply. His voice is wobbly. “This is not your fault.”

Annabeth whimpers. “It feels like it.”

“It doesn’t matter. We found each other, and that’s all that matters, okay?” He wipes the tears from her face gently and kisses her forehead. “We found each other.”

“A twisted way of fate.”

Percy lets out a wet laugh. “It is, but it’s okay.”

“I love you,” she whispers.

There’s so much he wants to say back, but he would never have enough time to say it. “I love you too, mystery-stranger-pen-pal-person,” he whispers. He stays like that, her wrapped in his arms, and he doesn’t know how much time passes like this.

He kisses her, but this time it is as more than her boyfriend.

They are P and A.

Percy and Annabeth.

They are best friends and lovers in one.

He’s going to marry her. His best friend.

Percy and Annabeth.

P and A.

[radioves]

Rating DSMP characters [+ some variants] by on how easily i could beat them in hand to hand combat based solely on personal bias

be warned i might get personal but as a disclaimer this is all a joke and i prommy i dont actually dislike anyone at all i just have a seething hatred for everything that breathes <3

i probably missed someone GLARINGLY obvious but i literally did all of this from memory. give me a break

Dream - Built like a twig. Relies completely on weapons and is way too cocky for his own good. I could probably take him out just by shoving him to the ground. Would still probably end up dealing psychic damage to me just by the way he talks. 7/10

Dream XD - that is literally just god. but then again what is a god to a nonbeliever. if i die i die. 2/10

George - White boy twink. I dont think this man has ever fought in his life. Bones are probably atrophied from how much he sleeps. Again I could probably tip him over and hes already done for. 9/10

Sapnap - Could probably actually fold me in half. isnt he also like half demon. not fucking with that. would probably degrade my mental status with that “hey mamas” talk and i would probably end up crying in a corner before i can even touch him. 4/10

Badboyhalo - this dude is like 10 feet tall. not like thats gonna stop me. go for the ankles. tall people do not have rights. 6/10

Skeppy - 2 feet tall. step on him. idc if that isnt canon it is now. would probably be really sharp tho. 8/10

Antfrost - i dont actually know that much about him other than hes a cat. dump a bucket of water on him or something. scruff him ig. 7/10

Schlatt - again would probably actually be able to fight. could very easily throw me off a balcony. though i feel like he would make a show of it at first. go for the throat when he isn’t watching. 6/10

Tubbo - he may have access to nukes but this is still hand to hand. would probably be a fairer fight even if he is short. cause i am too. 5/10

Tommy - a gust of wind could knock him over. i am very much one of the people who finds him annoying. would probably hurt to be around. 8/10

Wilbur - white boy twink #2. i want to kill this man in the first place. theatre kid. tall people still do not have rights. 9/10

Ghostbur - thats a ghost. probably cant even touch him. but i think if i tried enough i my sheer rage would be able to harm him. i dont have many personal grudges against him tho so idk. 6/10

Revivebur - am i allowed to call revivebur a whore yet. 10/10

Techno - could probably crush me like a skittle. that is if he gets the chance. may have won several fistfights with other people but has he ever fought a RAT. BECAUSE HE WOULD PROBABLY JUST KICK ME INTO THE NEARST DRAIN. can at least say i tried. 2/10

Phil - i feel like if i threw a rock at him his bones would shatter like toothpicks. now replace that rock with me. 7/10

Ranboo - TALL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE RIGHTS. 9/10

Punz - again idk much about him but from what ive seen he kinda deserves to have his ankles bitten. all comes down to if i can even get to him to do so. again i still think he relies on weapons over skill. 6/10

Purpled - all i know about him is that hes an alien who had his house blown up several times. i sometimes remember there is a tumblr user who goes to the same school as him. i dont know what that has to do with literally anything but i think its funny. 6/10

Ponk - this dude is somehow just as rabid as me. would probably also start biting too. they scare me. i happen to value my ankles. 4/10

Sam - horse. knock one of his legs out. 7/10

Niki - looks innocent at first until you remember her history with various amounts explosives. ive seen what this girl can do. i fear for my life. 3/10

Puffy - again still dont know much about her. literally the only clip ive seen of her was at schlatts funeral where everyone was making fun of him. every time i see someone mention her i can only think of the betty white tweet. 6/10

Fundy - twink boy whos a furry this time. i dont know what he ever did besides cause wars but i dont really hate him that much. still not gonna stop me. 7/10

Quackity - again i feel like hes never fought in his life. i mean he did but that doesnt count. kick his ankles in and go for the throat. 7/10

Slime - i wouldnt fight him. and even if i did want to hes literally made out of slime. i feel a pressure washer would work but tools arent allowed. 0/10

Foolish - 200 feet tall. no. 1/10

Hbomb - mans is just living his life bro. it wouldnt be fair to fight him. but i feel if i did i would get folded anyways. 4/10

Lazar - fortnite youtuber. 9/10

Vikkstar - minecraft founder. 1/10

Corpse - idk why hes here. idk why hes even on the server. im gonna fight him anyways. im gonna lose to a man in a hooters outfit. 2/10

MrBeast - what. 8/10

[moonraccoon-exe]

Prompto being absolutely terrified with the prospect of meeting Regis. sure he's been to the citadel,. befriended a few guards, Cor, but that is the k i n g, Noctis what if he hates me? what if he hates me and throws me in the dungeon and i never get to see you again? Noct's trying to calm him down and Prom is FRANTIC but Regis arrives at their apartment, pushes past Noctis, envelopes Prom in a hug "I finally get to meet the keeper of my son's heart" and pulls out dozens of baby picture albums

*CLUTCHES CHEST*

YES. YEEEEEEEEEEEES GODDAMMIT THANK YOU, BLESS LAKJSDFGD

“Regis arrives, pushes past Noct”

*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

CANON

THANK YOU

Why does everything here sound sO MUCH LIKE REGIS THOUGH ASTRALS SIX

I LOVE that Regis is just SO ECSTATIC about meeting Prommy SPECIFICALLY because he knows how much good he’s done to Noct. Like. That’s LEGIT the main reason Regis must have loved Prompto instantly as soon as he heard the first words about him. We all know Reggie darling wants nothing more in the world than Noct’s health and happiness, and he knows that he’s not the best dad (*CLUTCHES CHEST* YOU ARE, REGIS, YOU’RE BEST PAPA EVER, STOP THAT THINKING, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU’REBESTDADEVERPLSSTOP AKLAJSD *CRIES FOREVER*), and he knows that Noct struggles a lot in life

So imagine when a 15 y.o. Noct got to have dinner with him, and he’s been holding back a timid smile all across dinner staring at his food, until he finally is TOO EXCITED to keep it in and goes

“I made a friend some weeks ago. Well, we already knew each other, but he just said hi like properly some weeks ago.”

And Regis is like ._.

a fr ie  nd

So he started asking timidly at first. Then a bit more. Then a bit more and more until Prompto was the first thing he asked about whenever he had dinner with Ncotis because ohmygod ohno oh holy Astrals dear SIX, THE WAY NOCT’S FACE...JUST LIGHTS UP WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT HIM. THE WAY HIS POSTURE CHANGES, THE WAY HE IMMEDIATELY SMILES, THE WAY HIS EYES GLEAM, THE WAY HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE A HAPPY 7 YEAR OLD TALKING ABOUT GLADIO AND IGGY BUT DIFFERENT, SO PURE AND SO FULL OF JOY, THE WAY HE EVEN GESTURES WITH THE HANDS AND EXCLAIMS AND GETS EXCITED AND THE LIGHT. THE PURE LIGHT HE RADIATES WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT PROMMY.

OF

FUCKING

C O U R SE

REGIS WOULD LOVE HIM

*FLIPS THE DESK*

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

HE’S HYSTERICAL TO MEET HIM, HE’S NEVER BEEN THIS EAGER TO MEET SOMEONE BEFORE THIS SUNSHINE BOY THAT’S MADE HIS SON SMILE AND FULL AND HAPPY AND SO VIBRANT OF LIGHT

SO WHEN HE ARRIVES HE JUST

TOSSES NOCTIS TO THE SIDE, GET AWAY YOU LOSER I’M HERE FOR SUNSHINE BOY

AND FREAKING HUGS THE HECC OUT OF HIM

So now whenever Noctis wants to spend time with Regis he can’t because Regis is busy making scrapbooks with Prompto can you please not interrupt us Noct we’re busy

Aaksdjkfdgjdaa dork duo Caelum-Argentum works just fine even if it’s not always the usual Caelum ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

[bakugames-fr]

ok if anyone is interested, here it is

what you're gonna need is a good G&G guide (use this one imo), a dragon that can level up fodder, a little bit of patience, and (optionally) somewhere to write down stuff (ik some of yall love spreadsheets but notepad works just fine). This isn't a super revolutionary guide, just a structure that may be easier to follow for some of yall

1. You're going to start with g&g, but instead of doing the full 75kt prize, you're going to stop midway. The amount you stop at is up to you, but I'll write down some good values on the read more. I also recommend vaulting what you already had in hand if you want this to be pure profit and not accidentally go over budget.

2. Now with your cash in hand, you're going to write down how much you want to make of a profit. This isn't the final value that'll show up in the top corner of the site, but that minus the starting cash you had. I will also drop some good values at the read more.

3. Time to buy fodder. Set the AH to max 6000 t (you can up it a bit on push weeks. I usually do 7000 then) and adult-only, and start snagging dragons. You can snag as much as you want, but I recommend not going over the max. And keep in mind you're going to have to train everything you buy!

4. Level those stinky bastards up. Level 7 for 6000t, level 8-9 for 7000t is my recommendation, but you can do whatever you want. Exalt.

5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you reach your profit goal. Store all your money in the vault, and take a 30m-1h break. Don't even look at fr, just go rest your hands, get a snack, look at a funny frog video.

When you're done with step 5, go back to step one and repeat the process! This system sounds convoluted, but it helps to not burn out of g&g or foddering by breaking it down into separate chunks instead of doing everything at once. I also recommend writing down each round's profit, and overall profit of the day. I use notepad but I'm sure spreadsheet makes it all fancy and automatic lol.

And now for some notes:

How much of g&g I should play? This is for very hard only, but since each round gives you 4kt, you need 18 rounds to max out fairgrounds. Between all the divisible numbers, I recommend either playing 6 rounds or 3 rounds. 6 rounds with the guide I linked take around 3-5 minutes, so you don't spend too long there while also getting a good amount of money (24kt) for your first fodder buy. 3 rounds are better if you prefer leveling up fodder in smaller chunks or don't have much space, but it means you must repeat the whole ah buying more often. 2 rounds is too little to buy more than one fodder (unless you're lucky), and 9 rounds I only recommend if you don't mind playing a lot of g&g.

Do I need to do this until I max out fairgrounds? Not at all! The values above are written for a max-out run, but you can definitely customize it when taking a non-max run. 5 rounds 2 times, 4 rounds 4 times, completely up to you! But I recommend writing down how much money you'll get from each go, and the total amount. Keep track of things! I prommy it helps.

Also, if you're getting tired, just stop, flat out! Even if you haven't completed each step, take a break. If you feel good again, keep going, if not: save the money you got but didn't spend/the dragons you bought but didn't level for the next day! It's ok!

How much should I set my profit? This is dependent on how much you like coli'ing. You'll get around 5kt of profit for each fodder, so I recommend picking a value divisible by 5. 25kt = 5 fodder, 50kt = 10 fodder, 75kt = 15 fodder, and 100kt = 20 fodder in approximate values (exalting is a range and there's also bonuses). My recommendation is to set the profit for what you're feeling you can do for the day, instead of sticking with one value. Write down what you're going to do for the day.

What if there's a push going around with a public buy? You take advantage! I can't give precise numbers because each push has a different buyout price, but you can either shift your runs to accommodate for that or just do what you're doing. Either way works. I don't recommend exalting normally on push weeks though, fodder is more expensive and you'll get less money.

What if I breed my fodder? Then do whatever lol you got that dragon for free. If you wanna buy fodder and breed, I recommend counting your bred exalts as part of the profit, to give yourself a bit of a break! Or you don't, so you get more stonks. Up to u, just don't burn out.

What's your favorite frog? Oh my god, I'm so glad you asked. I love amazonian milk frogs. Thank you.

I have organized the best way to make money ever* without burning out or being too slow

*probably not in the top 10 but its ok

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hello Coon. I hope you’ve been well. I had the most amusing thought, and wanted to share: Do you remember that ATLA episode where they went to watch a play about themselves? In an AU where no one dies or gets thrown off of trains or goes blind... Imagine that in the context of chocobros + Luna, Ravus, Aranea on their way to Zegnautus. - 💚, Amontillado

Dear Amontillado.

This idea alone made me transcend to the ninth heaven. It made my soul detach from my body and ascend to the heavens, it touched the Nirvana, and came back to my body purified and amplified.

This. Goddamn. Genius. Idea.

*SLAMS HANDS ON DESK*

I had to write this. This is one of my most recent asks, but it’s just so genuinely brilliant and gloriously genius, I have this mighty necessity to write it right now aklsjdfklsgj aklsdjsklgj akljalskd ja.

The best part of this is that the main four and Ravus fit SO WELL with some of the ATLA characters, I could write parts of that episode as the script literally goes and it would fit accurately and nicely!!! Hahahahahhaha!!! I hope you’ll find the similarities! ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

Anyway, a few things to note here for things to make sense,

I picture Ignis did go blind at some point but later recovered. Let’s say we’re following some sort of Verse 2 from episode Ignis but with Lunafreya not dying, lmao.

I’ve made Cor be present too like he should have always been.

Regis and Clarus too because I don’t have the heart to kill them.

Because it’s Verse 2, Ravus has been in the party from before rescuing Ignis (who…let’s suppose they rescued somewhere else prior to Zegnautus. For some…reason.)

Luna’s coming along with them, too.

If at some point you’re reading something and think “is that an Aggretsuko reference?” know that yes. It is.

I goddamn shoved some almost-established Gladnis in here because fuck me, I can’t contain myself, they’re just so genuinely canon askljddkgjdaa

Alright.

Now everybody welcome to,

Final Fantasy XV, Episode 17, “The Gralea Players”.

A.K.A. a parody of ATLA’s famous already-parody episode “The Ember Island Players” adapted to our FFXV dorks plus some extra guests.

Enjoy!!

Everything starts at one of Ravus’ personal places in Gralea that he used to hide away or train. He’s training with Noct, trying to teach him how to defend himself against his lightning arm. Everyone is bored or watching or scattered across the little house.

At some point, Prompto comes in running, and as everyone’s greeting him, someone appears after him.

“Aranea?”

“Hey, dorks.”

Long story short, Prommy stumbled upon Aranea while he was out grocery shopping.

“And she has epic news! Tell them, Nea!”

Turns out Aranea found out that the local theatre prepared and will present a play about Noctis’ journey.

“Hah? Me? But we’re in the empire, why would they make a play about me?”

“Nooooooooct! We have to go! They did research across the globe to write the script, and it involves MTs, hunters, mechs, dogs, and a very knowledgeable merchant of Cup Noodles. Say yes, please, please!!”

No one is pretty convinced. They’re in enemy territory and it would be suicide to throw themselves there where people could recognize them.

But Noctis can’t say no to Prompto’s huge puppy eyes.

So in the end everyone ends up going to this play, “The King of Light.”

At least the title isn’t bad or mocking, but they still try to not get their hopes up. Knowing the Nifs, they may have done something offensive, so they’re mentally prepared for that and just curious.

Later that night, everyone of our team goes to the local Nif theatre, and the show starts.

They enter and get seats on the back as to go as unnoticed as possible.

On the front row, Noctis sits, then Prompto next to him, then Ignis.

As Gladio tries to sit next to him, Ravus unknowingly takes that seat.

“…hey. Uhm. I…wanted to sit there.”

Ravus: “(absolutely oblivious, this DORK) Just sit next to me. What’s the big deal?”

“…no, it’s not- I just wanted…okay.”

The curtain raises to show a representation of the throne room of the Citadel, where we can see the actors of king Regis on his throne, and the four chocobros.

“And so, may you part with my blessing to meet your bewedded, Lady Lunafreya.”

“Yes, your Majesty.”

So far so good. Actor Regis gives his speech and bids goodbye to the four young men.

As soon as Actor-Regis is done, Prompto grabs Noctis by the shoulder and shakes him, grinning from ear to ear and pointing at the actors, then himself and Noctis, then back at the actors, in clear excitement.

Noctis can’t help but smile as well, thinking it kind of cool to see an act about themselves.

And then going “downstairs”, actor Prompto clumsily trips and falls over in a comical way.

The audience laughs.

“What?” Prompto whispers. “That never happened!”

“Haha! My fault! I can be a little dumb!” actor Prompto talks with a slightly annoying voice. “Nocto! Help me up?”

“You, useless thing” actor Noctis says while helping him up. “You’re completely useless and not worthy of being in presence of royalty, but I take you along in this journey to fulfill my journey anyway because you’re funny.”

“The only thing I want to fill is my mouth! I’m hungry!”

The audience laughs again, but Noct and Prompto are petrified in their seats. Noctis turns to look at Prompto worriedly. Prompto later on just pouts and sink in his seat, crossing the arms.

“They make me look like an idiotic failed attempt of a joker! I’m better than that.”

Ravus is chuckling under his breath.

“I think he’s got you pegged.”

Prompto swears Ravus is lucky Ignis is sat in between them.

The actors are displayed walking away of the Citadel, where actor Regis catches up with them.

“Oh my god, he’s going to say the thing I told you, Noctis” Regis is whispering in the row behind.

So far, they depict the scene pretty accurately.

“Omg he’s going to say it.”

Then, actor Regis puts a hand on actor Noctis’ shoulder.

“Oh my god, here it comes”

And actor Regis says,

“Don’t fail, my son.”

“What?”

The gang has to turn around to shush Regis because they’re supposed to not call the attention.

Regis is shrinking and cringing in his seat containing all his screaming.

The scenes go on but the gang can’t hear anything but Regis’ whispered complaints.

“I didn’t say that! I didn’t say that! Oh my god, there is a HUGE difference between Walk Tall and Don’t Fail, the context and intention are entirely different, I didn’t tell him to not fail, that implies so much pressure and it’s not support, it’s an order, I just asked him to be brave and to keep the head up, it’s entirely different from Don’t Fail. Don’t fail. He said don’t fail,what sort of awful father is he oh my god.”

They depict Actor Prompto to have ruined the Regalia by spilling soda all over the wheel in an exaggerated comical motion.

“Fantastic, Prompto! Couldn’t you just shove it in your mouth instead of throwing it all over our electronic modern car?” actor Gladio asks in a SUPER AGGRESSIVE and super deep voice.

“I’m sorry! But I guess now you can call this, Fast Food!”

There’s a drum roll and the audience laughs. Prompto just shrinks more in his seat hiding it in his hands and groaning.

The actors are trying to push the cardboard car.

“WHAT ARE YOU LAZY ASSES DOING, KEEP PUSHING, KEEP PUSHING UNTIL YOUR FEET BLEED AND YOUR MUSCLES CRY OUT IN PAIN!” actor Gladio is screeching everything he says. “FLEX. FLEX THOSE MUSCLES. TODAY IS LEG DAY. GET UP AND KEEP PUSHING! FLEX! PROTEIN! GYM!”

Gladio stares unimpressed.

“I certainly don’t yell like that all the time.”

Ravus is chuckling louder than before, almost near a proper laugh.

“That actor’s got you right, Gladiolus. Stop complaining.”

Gladio just growls.

“NOCTIS. WHERE IS YOUR SPIRIT? FLEX! PROTEIN! KEEP PUSHING!”

Actor Noctis is on the ground.

“I’ll do it later, Big Guy. I’m sleeping.”

“Hey, not true” Noctis complains. “I didn’t sleep. I rested a bit, but didn’t sleep.”

“HEY IGNIS. TELL HIM TO GET UP.”

“Your most estimated superior Highness, Noctis Lucis Caelum, son of Regis, son of Mors, 114th of the name of the Lucis, prince of the kingdom of Lucis, heir to the throne” actor Ignis is saying in an overly exaggerated Tenebraean accent and exaggeratedly pompous. “I shall request, with all due respect, you get up from the place you’re attempting to sleep in and do lend a hand to us commoners, for we don’t have the strength to go on without you. My prince. My liege. My protected. My dear brother and friend.”

Ignis stares unimpressed and sort of embarrassed.

“…I certainly am not that pompous or formal. Even less with my friends.”

Ravus is chuckling again.

We see the guys through Hammerhead and Galdin Quay, through the news of the Fall of Insomnia and back to the place from where they see the destruction, etcetera; overall, Prompto is depicted as a damsel in distress, a klutz that’s always giving bad jokes and tripping over, Gladio is a giant brainless gym dude that keeps yelling, Ignis is an overly formal android, and Noctis is always asleep (even mid-battles, and usually being carried around by Ignis).

They go to meet Cor.

Actor Cor is poker-faced. The entire time. He responds mechanically and in monosyllables. When he joins the fight, he moves like a robot.

The actors go to search for the first royal weapon.

Actor Prompto keeps telling jokes and Actor Gladio keeps bullying him.

Actor Cor only reacts when obligatory.

“They make it look like I’m more dead than a corpse” Cor says. No one in the gang says anything.

…only Regis chuckles a bit after a second and this earns him a glare of embarrassment from Cor.

Inside the dungeon, actor Prompto fainted out of fear.

“Hey, I’m not that scaredy!”

Ravus is still chuckling.

When they depict Noctis getting the first royal arm, the paper prop stabs him in the chest; actor Noctis exaggeratedly shrieks out and collapses.

“Oh no! Is he dead?”

“No. He just likes to nap at 1 o’clock.”

The audience laughs, and our gang is entirely unimpressed.

“…you know, it does hurt a bit when that happens. They shouldn’t joke with that”

Actor Monica leads Actor Noct to the infiltration to open the gates with Cor.

Oh no. They remember this part! The part with the tiny annoying brat of an imperial officer. That very short guy that didn’t shut up.

Oh no. Here he comes. One annoying and tiny…

“Well, wELL! IF IT’S ISN’T COR THE IMMORTAL!”

And suddenly, on stage, appears Actor Loqi….

…he’s a GIANT BOULDER OF A MAN.

LIKE, SO BIG AND SO STRONG. GIANT BUILT-UP ARMS AND BACK AND MUSCLES. THE MAN IS ALL BEEF AND STRENGTH.

“So you survived the Citadel! But you won’t survive what I, Loqi the Great Tummelt, have in store for you!”

“Wait a minute. Wasn’t that guy like…shorter and skinnier than me?” Prompto asks.

Cor is laughing.

He’s having so much fun staring at the scene, holy fuck, you should see him laugh and cover his eyes and mouth while watching this.

The actor chocobros are suffering at the hands of actor Loqi, whose cardboard mech keeps smashing them and tossing them around.

“Get away!” actor Cor is yelling. “This is too dangerous for you! Only I, Cor Leonis, the Immortal, Lucian Marshal, am capable of defeating him! This is a fight that belongs to us and only us! My eternal enemy! My personal opponent! My arch-nemesis! Loqi the Great Tummelt!”

Cor is still laughing so much.

“Who the fuck is that, oh my god, I don’t remember him, who spread the rumor that he was my arch-nemesis, wasn’t he like an inch tall, ahahaha!”

Skip to the travel to Lestallum.

Actress Iris phones actor Noctis.

“Oh, my celestial prince! My hero. My beloved Noctis. I am delighted and my heart is so full of hope and light now that I hear your dear voice and I know you’re alright and alive more than only in my heart. I wait for you, my dear heroic prince, in Lestallum. I shall wait for you however long it takes; the wait will be worth, so long it’s about you, my darling.”

“Wow, that actress is making it look like Iris likes me like, like-likes me, haha.”

The whole gang either stares at Noct in disbelief or just sigh because holy fuck, Iris could smack him in the face with a brick that says “I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU” and Noctis still wouldn’t notice, this oblivious absolute DORK.

“I know the potential future princess of Lucis and only sister and dear family of Gladio just called to tell us she survived after many days with no notice of her or anyone…but what about instead of going to meet her we go to see the chocobo ranch?”

Lunafreya chuckles.

“Oh my. They really are depicting you guys as idiotic, stupid, childish immature dorks, you would never do such a thing like changing Iris and all your dear ones to go see chocobos first.”

The main four stay quiet and all try to not share any glance and they all go “uh…yeah, haha, that is…definitely right, we-didn’t do that, this- this play is so silly…”

…but Ravus chuckles again.

Ravus knows.

These dorks really did that, lmao.

There’s more about hunts and going into the dungeon in the waterfall cave and etc. Prompto keeps fainting and shrieking and making awful jokes, Gladio keeps yelling and flexing and stopping at random spots to do push-ups, Ignis keeps doing everything almost as if coreographed and on perfect timing, and Noctis keeps sleeping at random times.

There’s no actor Ardyn; no one but the bros have idea that he’s been the one helping. In the play he’s just the “Mysterious redhair hat guy”.

Redhair guy guides them to Cauthess Disc.

Actor Prompto made the tomb collapse, actor Gladio kept destroying boulders with bare hands and carrying an asleep Noctis through it, and actor Ignis just for some reason kept saying “Indubitably” at everything he heard.

For the Titan fight, they used puppets to depict the bros and the MTs and a person disguised in a Titan Kigurumi. This person ended up stumbling and falling midways through it.

They lost the Regalia and everything was fine and accurate to the story until the actor chocobros stOLE A CAR BECAUSE “THEY CAN’T GO ON THEIR FEET SORRY”.

Regis asked Noctis at least twenty times in the next 10 minutes “you really didn’t do that, right? Did you guys really steal a car? Hey Noct, I believe in you but you can tell me in all trust, okay, no worries if you did steal that car. Did you steal a car? Omg Noctis.”

They went to get Ramuh’s blessing.

In the cave, actor Prompto was kidnapped by a giant Naga, and actor Noctis had to rescue him.

Actor Gladio kept throwing giant prop boulders at the Naga and screaming “PROTEIN” while actor Ignis kept balleting around it for some reason.

“…do you ballet, Ignis?”

Ignis’ silence had been enough of an answer, but after a moment of blushing and embarrassment and staring elsewhere he just went with “…I think it’s recreative and helped greatly with developing my flexibility and my muscle weight and strength.”

“So that’s a yes.”

“Yes. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. I just can’t imagine you in a leotard.”

“And you won’t imagine it, pretty boy, so stop trying.”

That’s Gladio getting a bit jealous over there. He doesn’t want Jerkvus to imagine his Iggy in his precious purple leotard, THAT’S A SIGHT HE’S NOT WORTHY OF >:’(

Actor Noctis saved actor Prompto and carried him in arms bridal style.

“Oh! My hero! I knew you would save me

“Don’t worry, Prompto. Not only did I take you along despite knowing you’re useless because you’re funny, I also took you along because I think you’re cute.”

“O-oh…Noctis-sama…(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)”

“…oh my god they’re making it lo-  no homo, bro, you know that? I mean not that I’d mind but like- no? You know?”

“…yeh.”

They try to infiltrate an imperial base to recover the Regalia, BUT, of COURSE the ALMIGHTY EMPIRE has NO FLAWS and no one can infiltrate there!

THE CHOCOBROS ENDED UP SMASHED AND SHOOED AWAY, LONG LIVE THE EMPIIIIIREEEE!!

The play depicted that the chocobros HAD to use brute force and force a traitor imperial to be able to make it inside.

“Pscht. We did it on our OWN, come on >:(“

Ravus is chuckling.

“Hey, Ravus? Why are you smiling?”

“This is my favorite part.”

No one really knew what he was talking about; what was fun about the guys fighting overpowered imperials and recovering the car?

The actor chocobros recover the car. While talking in there, actor Prompto turns around.

Actor Prompto SHRIEKS OUT IN HYSTERICAL FEAR and then faints.

Actor Ignis has to take him away to protect him. Actor Noctis wakes up.

And so, Actor Ravus comes on in on stage!!!

“…oH MY GOD NO” it’s Gladio finally understanding why Ravus was chuckling and waiting for this. Ravus just laughs darkly again in his seat, satisfied with the Shield’s distress.

He doesn’t even mind that the actor is wearing the SUPER FAKE prosthetic on the wrong arm.

“It has been a very long while, Chosen One. Noctis.”

“Indeed it has, Ravus, Not Chosen.”

Gladio SNORTS and fights a lot with containing a hysterical laugh.

Damn he knows that’s Ravus MOST SORE and fragile spot, so he knows they hit him where it hurts most.

Ravus just frowns and his eyebrow twitches.

Actor Ravus gives a SUPER OMINOUS speech about Noctis not understanding his duty and being unworthy of it. Like SO OMINOUS, it’s worse than Gentiana levels of unintelligibly pompous.

Actor Noctis does complain about him serving the army that’s against Lunafreya.

“I do not serve! I command!”

Actor Ravus SLAPPED THE FUCK OUT OF ACTOR NOCTIS.

Like, no throat grabbing and jerking, HE FUCKING. SLAPPED HIM. LIKE DEAD ON THE FACE.

“Hey, that didn’t happen! That looks more humiliating than what really did happen!”

Ravus is chuckling again.

Actor Gladio gets in the way.

“HEY! NO SLAPPING! YOU SLAP THE TINY DORK, YOU SLAP ME FIRST. IT’S THE AMICITIA WAY! IT’S THE AMICITIA DUTY!” he’s yelling as he’s unnecessarily flexing. “YOU FIGHT HIM ONLY AFTER YOU FIGHT ME!” and then he unnecessarily rips his shirt apart and tosses the pieces to the sides and gets ready to fight.

Clarus chuckles in the row behind them.

“That’s my son.”

“! :D YEH!”

Actor Ravus gets close to him.

“The Shield of the prince. A useless, fragile shield that protects the unworthy and the weaker.”

And, said that, actor Ravus…flicks his forehead.

Actor Ravus. He flicked actor Gladio’s forehead. Flicked it.

And at the touch actor Gladio SHRIEKS OUT AND IS SENT FLYING BACKWARDS AND INTO THE CAR AND PAST IT AND INTO LOTS OF PROPS AND PAST THEM AND INTO THE WALL WHICH HE DESTROYS AND THE WALL COLLAPSES ON HIM, IT’S NUTS.

“…what the FUCK HE BARELY TOUCHED HIM! That’s not- that’s not what happened! Iggy! Iggy, you saw that, right? You know what really happened and it’s nothing similar to this, right!?”

Ignis hesitates.

“…uhm-”

“D: IGNIS!?”

“No! I’m sorry! No, I didn’t mean- what I mean is, it definitely wasn’t like that. You’re right.”

“…yeah…I know…:(“

Ravus snorts and properly laughs under his breath this time.

He has manners enough to contain himself and not burst laughing, but he laughs so much and contains it so much he even has to wipe away some tears of laughter.

“Ah. My favorite part. What a delight. How I wish we could replay that.”

Gladio’s really moody and upset right now, please don’t touch him.

The chocobros have to infiltrate another base, and of course they require of more dirty tricks and brute force to make their way inside.

They follow actor Caligo.

Speaking of which, it’s a young handsome man in his 30’s with Senpai face and a long, silky mane of black hair, giant blue eyes, and a gorgeous voice.

Aranea is cringing in her seat.

Caligo almost defeated them too, by the way. He was IN NO WAY captured or knocked out, he’s an imperial officer, of COURSE he won! The chocobros only won because they summoned a god and everyone knows that’s cheating and doesn’t count.

Actress Aranea comes in!

“FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPIRE, YOU SHALL FALL!”

“What!? Who said that!?”

Actress Aranea comes into the scene….

F L Y I N G

Actress Aranea is tied to one of those ropes to fly and SHE GOES INTO THE SCENE FLYING, THEN SHE FLIES ABOVE THE PUBLIC, THEN BACK, AND SHE KEEPS ATTACKING WHILE RANDOMLY FLYING INTO THE AIR.

Aranea bursts out laughing.

“Ahahahahahah!! I mean, I do jump very high, but that girl is FLYING! Ahahahahah!!”

Aranea is having a LOT of fun.

Mostly because actress Aranea is SLAYING THE FUCK OUT OF THE CHOCOBROS.

Actress Aranea is super skinny and wearing a pair of fake boobs, but Aranea thinks it’s cool.

And by fake boobs I mean. They’re giant. Giganormous. Anime tiddies.

“Why are my boobs so big?”

“I mean, they wrote the script based on what they heard or what people would tell them, so I guess that’s how people described you.”

“Wow, from all the things people had to look at, they remember me for giant boobs?”

“Aw :( I’m so sorry, Aranea. Women shouldn’t be sexualized like thi-”

“Because damn they’re right, I have to admit my boobs are quite nice! You ever touched them, pretty boy?”

“WhA- NO! WHY WOUL- ARANEA MY DAD IS HERE, NO.”

“Hey, mister dad? Your son touched them.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah, and he’s also seen them in flesh and-”

“ARANEA NO WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE LIKE THIS.”

Aranea didn’t talk much because she’s entertained watching the play and actress Aranea fly around like a real dragon slaying the boys.

She’s also flirting with both actors Prompto and Ignis all along the fight.

Actor chocobros end up defeated and knocked out on the ground on a pile.

Actress Aranea stands on top of them, with her heel on actor Noctis’ face.

“I would END YOU RIGHT NOW. But you know what, I won’t.”

“Why?”

“Just because. See you later, guys!”

“…is that really how it happened? You could have ended them and didn’t and then you just. Joined them? Just like that?”

“Of course not! I had an interesting arc and character development, if you must know!”

“…so did you really just leave and then joined them for no reason?”

“…yeah.”

The actor chocobros are taking Iris to Caem.

Actress Iris is a VERY tall and SUPER INCREDIBLY HUNK young lady that keeps flexing and screaming PROTEIN along Gladio, and fist-pumping with him while yelling “AMICITIA! AMICITIA! AMICITIA!” like brute gorillas.

Clarus finds it a cute sight and is proud.

“Wow, look at the actress playing Iris!”

“I’m sure that’s a man.”

“Wow, look at the actor playing Iris! He makes her look all beefy and super strong and super scary!”

There’s a long silence.

“Most accurate thing so far.”

Everyone agrees.

Actor Gladio informs he will momentarily leave the party.

“I HAVE BEEN DISGRACED BY THAT DEFEAT IN THE HANDS OF THE ALMIGHTY RAVUS. I AM UNWORTHY OF BELONGING IN THIS RETINUE AND I MUST GO AWAY TO PUNISH MYSELF WHILE AT THE SAME TIME FINDING SOME GROWTH AND SOMETHING TO PUNCH. I HAVE TO GO AWAY TO SPEND A WHILE AT THE GYM BEFORE COMING BACK. DO YOU FEEL ME, BRO? CAN I LEAVE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LITERAL DUTY TO GO DO PERSONAL STUFF NOW?”

“….ZzZz…Oh? Ah. Yeh. Whatever. Just let me sleep.”

Actor chocobros except actor Gladio get to the ruins in the Vesperpool and they meet actress Aranea again.

“Hey guys! I know I kicked your asses last time but I think I changed my mind, mind if I join you?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?! AFTER ALL YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH, YOU EXPECT US TO LET YOU IN JUST LIKE THAT?! JUUUUUUUST LIKEEEEEEEEE THAAAAAAAT!?!?!?”

“Yes.”

“.___.     Fine.”

“FINE!?”

“Hey, she’s very persuasive.”

(High five to myself for that disney reference *highfive*)

Episode Gladio…. Hasjdjaklf

Actor Gladio spends his time away in the gym and flexing and eating carbs before he goes into a cave to face the Evil Darklord.

(Nobody knows about Gilgamesh, okay, the writers had to make something up).

Cor accompanied him.

“HEY COR. THANK YOU FOR JOINING IN THIS WITH ME.”

“You’re welcome. I’m happy to help in your self-discovery journey, what about we talk about myself?”

“That wasn’t like that.”

Gladio stays quiet and frowning and analyzing it for a bit before he turns.

“…but it was like that, we talked about just you.”

“But that’s because you asked!”

“That’s because you offered it!”

“Wha- no! Why would I talk about myself just like that? You started!”

Basically episode Gladio goes about Cor and Gladio being work-out buddies.

Actor Cor rarely shows any reaction even when he’s being hit in the face.

“Wow…they make it look like I never smile or something…”

Gladio stayed quiet again analyzing everything.

“…but you really didn’t smile.”

Cor didn’t answer.

The actor chocobros go to Altissia, and we get a skip to Lunafreya who receives the news.

“My beloved prince Noctis is coming?” everything is fine. And then- “OH!” then dramatically sobs. “That is…wonderful news! His presence means light. His presence means a savior. His presence…” she sobs and sniffs again, and then she throws herself to her knees, hands to the sky. “His presence…means HOPE! SO MUCH HOPE! Hope for the world!” she sobs louder and throws herself onto the chair. “HOPE FOR EVERYONE!” she lets herself to the floor. “Forgive me if I’m getting too emotional but…this touches my heart and fills it WITH SO MUCH HOPE!”

And so actress Lunafreya burst out into hysterical hyper dramatic tears.

Actor Ravus talks with Actress Lunafreya.

“Lunafr-”

Actress Lunafreya bursts into hysterical tears.

“I can’t go on, brother! The hope! It’s dying and I can’t revive it! I’ve tried for so long to keep it alive, but it’s too much for me anymore! I’m not strong enough! Oh, the hope! You have to carry on with my duty for me, brother; let Noctis know that I love him and that I…I have HOPE IN HIM”

Actress Luna continued crying.

Luna chuckles a bit, but also hides a little behind a hand out of embarrassment.

“Sure I’m not that dramatic…”

Nobody answered.

Skip to the summit with Camelia.

Actress Camelia is far overweight and wearing far too much make-up, almost like a clown.

“You are aware, mister prince Noctis, that Accordo has been under the orders of the empire and loyally serving it for over a hundred years.”

“Yes.”

“As servants to the empire, we’re supposed to do as they tell us; Niflheim does but look for the good of the people. Waking Leviathan will cost the lives of half Accordo and bring destruction to the world.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s DO IT.”

Noctis is groaning in his seat while actress Camelia goes about some fake speech of how she’s betraying “the good guys” for money and etc.

“If only it had really been that easy…”

Skip to Noctis chasing after Leviathan. The imperials are depicted as the good guys that try to stop the destruction by killing Leviathan, and Noctis somehow ends up riding her and laughing like a maniac while guiding Leviathan into destroying half Accordo.

It’s beautiful and bizzarre.

Skip to episode Ignis.

Ignis is ballet-ing his way through Altissia.

He actually looks pretty badass with those pirouettes slaying MTs as he goes, look at that fine young gentleman.

Soon enough he’s joined by Ravus.

“I will destroy you, Ignis Scientia!”

Actor Caligo appears.

“I think your hair is weird!” he says to Ravus.

Actor Ravus looks at Ignis again.

“Never mind that, now I’ll join you, Ignis Scientia!”

Both kill Caligo.

Noctis: “What the fuck was that.”

Ravus: “That didn’t happen.”

Actor Ignis and Ravus slay some MTs before they stop and the atmosphere suddenly gets warm and in dim reddish lights like in a damn burdel.

Suddenly, both get a bit too close to each other.

“Oh, Ravus. I had never seen you from this close before” actor Ignis touches his lips and looks up at him. “I think you’re very attractive.”

Gladio, from his seat, flinches and goes “What?”

Actor Ravus gets some steps away.

“What? We can’t do this. We’re on enemy teams. My heart proudly belongs to the empire” (Ravus ‘pscht’s from his seat) “and rumors have it you’re already dating the Shield of the prince!”

“Gladiolus?” actor Ignis asks, and then he chuckles with some sarcasm. “Oh, Ravus. Don’t be ridiculous. I love him like a brother and just that!”

Gladio was frowning; now his expression just softens in some sort of insecurity, and he’s very attentive on the play.

“So then…you’re single?” actor Ravus asks him, and then he goes back to break the distance between them, and he hugs him with an arm, pulling him close to himself. “Ignis. The man with the beautiful eyes. I will now betray the empire and will swear loyalty to the king of Lucis and help him in his journey…for you.”

“Oh, Ravus…”

“Ignis…”

Both actors proceed to embrace each other and then they kiss.

And they go on.

And on and on.

Actor Ravus may have grabbed actor Ignis by the butt.

The play may have implied that these two slept together during the events of Altissia.

Ravus and Ignis are staring eye-widened and in shock, then they subtly look at each other, then finding the other staring, both look away in absolute embarrassment and burning red in the faces.

Gladio’s really, really upset.

The worst part is that he feels insecure, not jealous, which I think is worse.

Actor Ravus betrayed actor Ignis again and that’s how Ignis ended up kidnapped in imperial hands; then actor Ravus betrays the empire again and joins the actor chocobros to go rescue Ignis.

“I betrayed just ONCE and it was for good. They make it look like I don’t have a position in this and just betray every time things go bad for my team.”

The actor chocobros get the help of actress Aranea to go into Nif territory.

Actor chocobros end up in Gralea to rescue Ignis, who they find dead.

Apparently, Ignis died as result of wearing the ring, when trying to open the gates of the city for the chocobros.

“No! Ignis!”

Actor chocobros + actor Ravus cry for him, until actor Noct uses his magic ring.

“In the name of the moon! Healing magical power of the kings! Hi-yah!”

“…that’s not how you use the ring.”

Prompto laughs.

“They make you sound like a magical girl, dude.”

While using the ring, actor Noctis asked actor Gladio to hold Ignis for a moment.

When actor Ignis comes back alive, actor Gladio yells out

“IGNIS! YOU LIVE! OH, MY DEAR BROTHER! I WAS WORRIED FOR YOU…LIKE A GOOD BROTHER WOULD BE.”

Gladio just “Pscht”s.

Actor Gladio is pushed aside by actor Ravus, who holds Ignis in an over-dramatic over-romantic way.

“Oh, Ignis…light of my new life, star of my new skies, love of my new life…you live…”

“Ravus. I fought to stay alive…for you.”

“Oh, Ignis!”

“Ravus!”

“Ignis!”

These two incoherently start making-out again in front of everyone as the actor chocobros cheer for them or throw petals on them.

This finishes with Gladio’s patience.

Gladio gets up from his seat and leaves; Prommy asks him if he can bring some gummies when he comes back.

Skip to Lunafreya staying behind somewhere “safe” instead of coming along in the journey like a damsel in distress, she cries because she’s back home in Tenebrae and that gives her so much hope.

She’s questioned about Noctis and if she doesn’t want to stop the rituals despite this wearing her out.

We get a flashback of actress Luna in Tenebrae.

Actor Ravus approaches her.

“Lun-”

“OH RAVUS!” actress Luna is hysterically crying again.

Actress Luna went on in a rant about hope and light, crying all the time. Actor Ravus stayed still and frozen like a statue, frowning.

“Just get over that boy, Lunafreya. You’re way prettier than he deserves.”

“…he didn’t say that, Noc-”

“Yes, I did. In other words, but yes I did.”

Savage, Ravus.

“He’s never going to be worthy!”

“After you were proven unworthy, you say that about everyone!”

“SHUT UP, LUNAFREYA!”

“Why are you yelling at me!?”

Ravus sighs in his seat.

“They make it look like I’m totally stiff and humorless, except from the times I’m with Ignis.”

Ignis chuckles. “Actually, I think that actor’s pretty spot on.”

Ravus: “How can you say that!?”

Actress Lunafreya: “I think Noctis is cute.”

Actor Ravus: “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!?”

Ignis just laughs.

There’s an intermission where the guys mop and complain about the things that aren’t accurate. Aranea is the only one happy with her character. Noctis tries comforting Prompto about him not being useless, Regis talks with Noctis about sleeping during important fights, etc.

“Have you guys seen Gladio?” Ignis asks after a while.

“He went for snacks ten minutes ago and I’m still waiting, bro!”

Ignis decides to go look for him.

Ravus is moping and Aranea goes see what’s wrong.

“What’s with the long face, tough boy? Not enjoying your character?”

“It’s easy for you to not be upset about this. You get a flying badass super strong heroine, but to me this is just a reminder of all the things I did wrong. From wearing the ring to having joined the empire, and things like failing to protect Ignis in Altissia…which they didn’t only rub in my face again, but also manipulated to make it seem like it was because of me that he got captured. It’s telling me how many mistakes I’ve done in my life and how it’s going nowhere. That I should have believed in Noctis since the beginning.”

“Hm. You sound pathetic, Ravus. You know, I don’t think there’s a time to be correct. It took me years before I left the empire, too, and I don’t mop for what I did in the past. I just try to get my present right for once. You should be doing the same. Besides, your sister is watching. I thought you wanted to make her proud; sitting here and mopping won’t get it. You get up and fight for the good causes now. Okay?”

Ravus smiles at her and thanks her, even when he doesn’t really like being lectured.

A random little kid that was chasing after his friend back into the theatre stops and looks at him. Like really looks; stays a while in there just staring.

“Oooh…your Ravus costume is SUPER COOL! But the fake arm goes on the other side!”

Ravus just blinks in disbelief at the child.

While the kid runs away, Aranea stops Ravus before Ravus gets to grab him by the skull, eyebrow twitching and face entirely unimpressed and soul screaming.

While the guys talk, Ignis finds Gladio at a balcony, grumpy and down in the dumps.

“Hey, Gladio? Is anything the matter?”

“This play is stupid. Everything about it is stupid and I don’t like it. Let’s just go back and get out of here.”

“Calm down, Gladio. I know it’s silly and far unrealistic, but it’s not so that you take it this personally.”

“Gods, I’m just- so angry right now…”

Ignis is quiet and doesn’t know very well what to say. More than angry, Gladio looks plain sad. Ignis tries standing next to him to at least let him know he’s there.

“Did you really mean that, Ignis?”

“What? If you could be a bit more specific…”

“Back in the play. You said- that you love me as just a brother. And I…”

“…Gladio? What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Forget it.”

Ignis stays quiet again and they say nothing for a long while. After the long pause, Gladio clearly tries saying something but seems to not know how, but after some attempts he puts the head slightly down and just lets it out.

“…did you really- kiss Ravus? Back in Altissia, I mean…”

“What?” Ignis is taken completely off-guard. But he laughs a bit. “Of course not. The writers just…took me to make me the romantic arc of the story, with the first person they saw, and built an over-dramatic romance.”

“Right, but why didn’t they take anyone else, then? Why Ravus?”

“I know you’re not exactly friends with him, but it’s not so you overreact, Gladio-”

“I just mean it was me who held you in arms after Noctis healed you! Not him! And it was me who carried you outside and looked after you until today…not him…”

“…Gladio-”

“And it was…I just…thought there was maybe something going on between us. But it’s not, is it? You see me as the actor says, as just a brother. Right?”

“…Gladio, it’s just a play. I think…we could talk about us sometime else, okay? When you’re feeling better…if- you wish.”

Gladio is still down in the dumps, and can’t help it, but he knows Ignis is right about discussing this later, so he just nods.

Gladio does think about leaning in to steal a kiss from him, but he really doesn’t want to ruin it, or make a move that may upset or offend Ignis, so he resists.

Secretly, Ignis thought about holding his hand, maybe even dare to reach and kiss him, knowing it’s going to make Gladdy feel better, because yes, Ignis understands his feelings and they’re reciprocate, but he also really wants the moment of confession to be special, so he doesn’t dare make a move.

These two idiots hngh…just- kiss already AAAAHHHHH

Both head back to the play.

This time, Ignis makes sure to let Gladio sit in the seat next to Ravus, so Ignis is sat only next to Gladio.

Ignis also makes sure to throw hints at him by leaning against him and softly resting a hand on his arm across the rest of the play.

It does help Gladdy to feel better. :’3

The story follows the guys making their way through Gralea.

Ignis back then was healed but not fully and hence still blind, and the play didn’t miss that out.

Actor Ignis is going around SLAYING MTs and being a badass.

“Wow, Ignis, we thought you were blind?”

Actor Prommy is waving a hand in front of his eyes.

Actor Ignis is all smirk and then he goes.“I can see you doing that. I can still see, I see everything you see, except I don’t see like you do. I release a sonic wave from my mouth. Like this.”

Actor Ignis turned to look at the others and SCREAMED VERY  LOUDLY.

Like, SO LOUDLY. It’s a shriek. It’s a screech.

Actor Ignis is screaming so loudly, the chocobros, in the LAST row, all flinched and covered their eyes.

Everyone is staring at actor Ignis in absolute terror.

Actor Ignis is still yelling.

After like a whole minute he shuts up.

“There. I got a pretty nice look at you.”

Skip to Nox Fleuret sblings meeting again.

“Lu-”

“I KNOW WHAT MY DUTY IS!!! I KNOW WHAT IT’S DOING TO ME!!! STOP BEING SO CRUEL TO ME, BROTHER!!! YOU’RE SPOILING THE HOPE! THE HOPE!!”

Actress Lunafreya went into a long rant and speech about the hope and lost love for the next ten minutes and then bursts into hysterical tears..

Actor Ravus has been still the whole time staring poker-faced.

Actor Ravus, after the heartfelt, emotional speech, turns over his heels and leaves entirely unimpressed.

“Wow, they make it look like Ravus doesn’t care about you, Luna.”

“….yeah. It…definitely didn’t happen like that….”

Ravus is too scared to look at Lunafreya right now.

….he may….or may not….really have walked away unimpressed leaving her speaking alone….

The play doesn’t offer much other than what Cor is supposed to be doing and the guys making their way through Gralea.

“Well, we’ve reached the present. Guess that’s it.”

“Wait! There’s more!”

The gang is actually pretty curious about seeing what the play theorizes will happen in a future.

The scenography shows some creepy place.

“It’s in Zegnautus! There’s the imperial keep where the throne chamber is” Aranea informs the chocobros in a whisper.

Suddenly…ACTOR ARDYN COMES IN.

The chocobros all DAMN FREAK OUT AT HIS MENTION LIKE ZOMG THE MAN THAT’S MADE THEIR LIVES IMPOSSIBLE, they’re triggered even if they know it’s just an actor.

Actor Iedolas sits at the throne.

“My emperor!” actor Ardyn says as he bows before the emperor. “The Lucian prince and his friends have finally arrived here, in Zegnautus keep.”

“You’ve done well, Chancellor Izunia. They’re falling right in our hands, and on free will.”

“You were wise at advising we opened the doors for them. Our security is impeccable and they wouldn’t have been able to infiltrate or attack on their own.”

“You are not questioning me like that traitor of Nox Fleuret always did with my commands.”

“That’s because I have no doubts that you know what you’re doing and that you’ll be able to receive our guests as is deserved.”

Actor Prompto died at the hands of a random MT.

Prompto is pale and pretending he’s fine but you can see his soul abandoning his body in anxiety.

Actor Gladio died at the hands of Ravus because Gladio got angry at Noctis and tried to murder him and Ravus tried to save the day.

Actor Ignis died protecting Noctis from a valiant attack by the Chancellor.

Ravus couldn’t handle the loss and killed himself hugged to Ignis.

Noctis took the sword from Ravus and chased after the Chancellor alone.

Noctis arrives to the throne room.

“Emperor Iedolas! My sworn enemy!” Noctis says valiantly while swinging his sword in cool movements and pointing at the emperor. “I demand you give me back the Crystal that is by right mine! Give me back my source of power, you, greedy old man!”

“Greed? You think that what I want is the power that radiates from the Crystal?” the emperor asks him. “You, fool! I’m trying to save the world and the righteous people that live in it! You Lucians have kept the Crystal selfishly for yourselves all this time, not sharing it with anyone. We did steal it, I admit, but it’s for a greater cause! It’s for a bright and peaceful future!”

“Lies! I won’t listen to you! I don’t care about the future of the world, I only care about the future of my kingdom! Give it back!”

“You shall take it from my dead hands only.”

“So, I shall do!”

Suddenly, actor Noctis and actor Iedolas get into a frantic and pretty cool battle.

Someone in backstage is using mirrors and led lights to recreate Noctis’ armiger.

Actor Noctis is also tied by the waist to make some of his warps and big jumps.

“Fire spell! Hi, yah!”

The props are pretty decent, making a smoke bomb explode, or throwing random “snowflakes” when he uses blizzaga, etc.

Actor Noctis jumps around, armiger activated, the royal arms flying around, and Iedolas somehow manages to dodge and move away, and sometimes he counterattacks, it’s a frantic and pretty epic battle.

They reach a point where Actor Noctis stops on a side of the stage and Iedolas in the other. A prop of the Crystal “floats” in the back and in the middle.

Actor Noctis goes

“Oh, powerful Crystal that chose the Lucis two thousand years ago! Crystal that chooses the righteous and the fair, the good and the powerful, I claim your aid and ask you to finish this unworthy traitor of the gods!”

Noctis moves up in his seat, interested, and smiling all full of innocence and hope.

The “Crystal” suddenly starts gleaming.

Prompto shakes Noctis by the shoulders, as excited, and both boys watch happily.

The “Crystal” suddenly envelopes actor Noctis in its light.

The chocobros are all smiles and happiness while watching the moment, and then-

“Wh-what is happening…!? No….nooooo!!!”

Actor Noctis suddenly IS CONSUMED BY BLUE FIRE.

The light that previously surrounded him turns to blue papers that tornado around him, consuming him.

“AAAAAGHHHH!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! What is happening!? Why is the Crystal not giving me its power!? Why is it BURNING ME!?”

Suddenly, the previous lights go to cover and circle around actor Iedolas, who spreads the arms and looks up as if in divine realization.

While actor Noctis burns, actor Iedolas goes to give a speech.

“The Crystal…it has given me its approval!! I have been chosen as worthy!”

Actor Iedolas turns to look at actor Noctis and throws the arms of armiger at him, while actor Noctis still “burns”.

“The Lucis may have been worthy two thousand years ago…but not anymore! Their time has ended, their kingdom has fallen! They let their ego grow too much believing themselves superior only for being the safekeepers of the Crystal…but not anymore! The times change, and so does the choice of the gods, and this time, we have been chosen! We, Niflheim, are the new and righteous chosen of the Crystal, new warriors and safekeepers of it, we have been given the power that belongs to us, the superior race! And as the first emperor of the Crystal era, I have been chosen to eradicate the past, and finish the traitors of the gods, the Lucis Caelum! Your line ends here!”

“Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”

There’s a whole show of lights and FIRE that comes out of nowhere and the endless armiger and dramatic music.

Actor Noctis ends up consumed and dead. The actor subtly-but-failed crawled out of the stage while actor Iedolas took the spotlight again and cheered for Niflheim.

Suddenly, the WHOLE audience goes HYSTERICAL and they break into loud clapping and cheering.

It’s a MESS of noise and “Yes!” and whistling, it’s chaos of joy in the theatre.

Except in the section where the good guys sit.

They’re all frozen and stare eye-widened at the stage.

Then, everyone simultaneously and in dead silence turns to look at Noctis.

Noctis is sat there, arms-crossed as he last was, eye wide, and face pale, and he’s whole frozen.

They spent like that like a whole minute before Noctis realizes he’s been observed.

“…I….hadn’t thought of that possibility….”

Long story short, our gang ends up exiting and leaving for their current hideout, all trying to make of this a not big deal.

“Eh, it’s not even a good script.”

“Yeah, it’s full of holes.”

“I didn’t even like it that much anyway.”

“You’re right. Absolutely pointless.”

And they never watched that play again.

*music*

*ending screen*

*credits roll*