#i cant sleep anymore because of the stress

[blushsturns]

*trigger warning: mental health, depression, anxiety, dark thoughts*

so as i lay here at night before i try to go to sleep, my heart is heavy. i haven’t been okay for quite some time. i try to mask it very well, but a lot of the times you can sense it within me, or read it all over my face.

i’m not okay. i don’t know what to do about it anymore. it’s not like i don’t have a therapist, i do, and for awhile it was working wonders. but now? things in my life have gotten harder, more intense, stressful, impossible to figure out. everything is catching up to me and i feel like im drowning. i can’t swim and i cant breathe and im going further and further into the deep end.

now i know that i should be grateful for the things i have, and i am. but is it so wrong of me to wish life was better? to wish i was better? i want to be. i know this isn’t like me. it’s gotten to the point where some days i don’t wanna eat, or drink or even move out of bed. some days i think to myself: would everyone just be okay without me? would it be better for them if i just disappeared and never returned? would that make it better? what if i just vanished off the face of the earth with no return?

the reason i’m saying all of this is because this platform is a place where i feel like i can vent without anyone judging me, even if no one is reading this right now. i don’t have many people to talk to, to turn to. im thankful for the ones i do have, but i feel like ive been so miserable lately and not great company to be around and that hurts me to my core. i try so hard to be a nice person, a great person to be around, but my mental state makes me think that i don’t deserve anything, and that i’m no good.

i just want to be okay again. i want to make everyone around me smile and laugh and feel good. i want to breathe again, but right now i feel like i cant’t. so much is happening and i don’t know what to do anymore.

i just want to be okay. i wish i knew what to do because i feel lost, and im not sure how to find my way out.

if you’re still reading this, thank you, and i love you. thank you for any love you’ve given me on all of my works. writing is my outlet, but i feel like i’ve burnt myself out.

please remember that you are loved, cared for, needed, and appreciated. and you’re not alone.

thank you. i love you.

-nessa

[serainechor]

.

[vestaldestroyer]

a hug would fix me I think

[robotpussy]

woke up from my sleep angry because I take too long to do anything like I'm so fucking annoyed rn I genuinely cannot comprehend how ppl have full time jobs and go to school and also fully indulge in their hobbies and get them done in timely manners because if I'm doing anything I have to either finish it in a day or it will take a year to complete it

[straylaughs]

stressed and having absolutely zero drive within me to complete anything god how is this year already off to such a great start

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

oh my god everything makes sense now

[thornsnvultures]

man I wish it was easy for me to cry instead of stuffing shit down all the time. I'm too good at repressing shit and disassociating, the second I start to feel something it gets sucked right back in

[feralchaoschild]

.

[hpdfag]

still awake oops god fucking damn it

[jackass-jones]

My biggest fear is that I’ll spend so much time beating myself up for not being good at writing that by the time I get the words down, all my passion will have run out and my ideas will have been long expired and I’ll have disappointed everyone by failing yet again to keep my promises

[thatdemiboymess]

Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.

[nabsthevulture]

wish the immense stress would calm down for a second

[upgradebitch]

everything is changing and i’m in pain sigh

[symbioticsimplicity]

You know, I'm always wondering why I can't stop clenching my jaw. It hurts, and I'm constantly reminding myself to stop, but even in my sleep I can't seem to manage it. But then I do things like crush the cockroach climbing up my leg while I'm laying in bed and I'm like "Oh yeah that's right." Its more of a wonder that I haven't broken *more* of my teeth.

[kittycatcarla]

.

[logicallyblind]

Okay okay but consider possible batfam fic idea:  

so Bruce is in an emergency justice league meeting that got called but because its taking place at night he has a comm on in his ear playing at a low volume because all of the batfam are out on patrol around gotham covering his patrol route for him and because you know B is a paranoid, overprotective fucker he just to make sure everything is going smoothly for his kids but he doesn’t plan on actually letting them know he’s tapped into their network because he can already hear the lecture from Dick about trusting them to take care of the city.  

So he’s listening to them quietly while also paying attention to Clark talking about some alien diplomacy issue and his kids are YAPPING away about the stupidest shit to one another cause they don’t have B telling them off for ‘unprofessional unnecessary chatter while on patrol’ and  you’re getting a mix of all the dynamics between them all and the longer the meeting is going on the more B’s eye is just TWITCHING because his Dad senses are just going hay wire and he is just here like ‘I cannot say anything in front of the league because they cannot know I have children cause I'm Batman and I work alone blah blah blah’, usual brooding, but Damian and Tim are squabbling with one another about a rescue that took place an hour ago and Dick is challenging Jason to a parkour contest and Steph is challenging the Riddler to a riddle off with riddles she made up and have no answer just to piss him off and his dad sense is just like an alarm going off and then he just cant take it anymore cause Duke (pretend he’s on nightshift to make up for the man down or smth idk shh) says something like ‘I'm going to do my book report in the morning Richard leave me be’ even though Bruce KNOWS he isn't going to do it in the morning, this has happened before they have an AGREEMENT, a CONTRACT god damn it but they don't know Bruce is listening to the comms Duke just goes something like “its fine B won't even find out!” and Bruce just LOSES it there and then and just presses his comm and goes “NO. No, stfu all of you I am taking charge here” and he just starts going off on them all for the different things they were whining about like

“No Signal, go and do your damn book report right now you are not going to be doing it in the morning you always say you will and you never wake up early enough to get it done so then you end up speed doing it in the car while nearly stress crying and I am cannot deal with that while running on 49 hours of no sleep so go and do it right this damn minute. I am TIRED, I am tired boy go. GO. I love you, goodnight.” 

“N go and unload the damn dishwasher. I asked you four. FOUR days ago to do it and A is not coming home until next week please I am begging you I have been drinking my coffee out of bowls and a straw for days now. Thank you, I love you goodnight.”  

“Red Robin. Put the coffee down. No- I know its in your hand I can feel it. I can feel it in my BONES child you cannot hide from me, down. Now. Good. Get a piece of fruit and go to bed. No I don't give a fuck if- no. I don't care if the pentagon has laughably easy security to bypass right now it has been over 72 hours since you closed your eyes I WILL call A I will, I’ll do it right now. I’m calling him right now- good okay goodnight. I’m sending Dick to check on you to make sure you’re actually sleep. I love you too goodnight”  

“Robin I know you're there. Damn right go to bed, Titus can go with you yes you don't have to ask every night baby its going to be the same answer, I love you goodnight.” 

“Hood and Spoiler stop trying to goad rogues into fighting each other and go home. Hood will you- thank you. Goodnight I love you both....no S I will not ask Ivy if she’ll make you real life lil shop of horrors plant to leave at your ex’s house please stop asking. Goodnight.”   

"C are you- I love you too."

And he just lets out this enormous, patented Dad sigh and looks up after a few moments and realizes the entire justice league is just watching him absolutely GOBSMACKED because oh my god how long has this been going on for?? because like what the fuck this was cold, calculated, ‘they think he's actually a robot’ Batman, who just all of a sudden just went BOOM father mode is activated, this is a patriARCH, you know? Daddy bats alright. And he's just like, his facial expression doesn't so much as twitch but a light blush just appears on his entire face and then Clark is just like HEART EYES and Hal is just like HEARTEYES (??!!) and Barry is suddenly having a sexuality crisis because what the fuck is this, and Diana is just like, speechless but in love and he just mumbles after a few moments “...you can continue your speech Clark I apologize for my lapse in professionalism” and Hal is just like “NAH MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE NOT BREEZING PAST THAT WHAT THE FUCK SPOOKY??” and then the entire situation just devolves in chaos.