#i cant sleep anymore because of the stress
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𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞
#sorry everyone another spiral/vent incoming#mental health been so bad this week I said fuck it and found a therapist#because I cannot keep living this way it’s ruining my life#like rn I’m terrified to go to sleep bc I’ve convinced myself of a blood clot in my arm 😐 and it’s like realistically it was probably just#cramping bc I did some crafts today in a not great position like in my head I know that’s probably what it is but then there’s always that#little voice saying what if it’s not what if it is actually a clot and you go to bed and die? and what am I supposed to do with that? just#go to bed? I cant. I know unfortunately tonight will be a night where I will stay up until I physically can’t anymore so yay so fun#and it’s like a bunch of little things add up to symptoms in my mind and suddenly I cant remember if my arm has always looked that way or#always been that red etc. it’s so frustrating#why was I cursed to be so stupid and annoying? ugh#not only that I’m extremely nauseous rn ugh#I had to buck up and put my grown man pants on and finally pick a therapist can you believe it’s the#same therapist I’ve been thinking about since I first started looking at the beginning of the year 😐 what is wrong with me man idk why I put#it off for so long but hopefully now I can get the ball rolling on this and work towards being better and maybe even being on meds and#I think it’s bc I didnt wanna do virtual but for rn that would be best for me#please god don’t let it be out the ass expensive#honeslty idek if it’s bc my mental health was bad this week I just had a lot of spirals this week and the past few weeks have been stressful#and I’m just so done with it like I got so annoyed I scheduled/requested appointments I’d been putting off out of fear and now this
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a hug would fix me I think
#i hate that having been through so much shit i just don't get stressed anymore#instead i get this vague feeling of unease#which majorly sucks#because i know the physical symptoms of stress. i know how to deal with them. we had lectures on this.#but this vague unease has zero physical symptoms. I don't feel anything different#i just cannot fall asleep#i am permanently sleepy. i cant focus on studying because of this. but when i try to sleep i just cant.#when will my suffering end#(i know exactly when. july 1st when summer break starts.)
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woke up from my sleep angry because I take too long to do anything like I'm so fucking annoyed rn I genuinely cannot comprehend how ppl have full time jobs and go to school and also fully indulge in their hobbies and get them done in timely manners because if I'm doing anything I have to either finish it in a day or it will take a year to complete it
#anyways im not working on that hobie thing anymore its stressing me out that its taking me a month to make a fucking collage 😭😭#u thought i could have real progress yesterday but after 3 hrs of working on it i got tired and wanted to sleep#*i thought#also the reason why i barely ever make videos im either too tired or it will take me 5 months to edit because#i can't focus on more than 1 thing at a time. if im editing something don't fucking ask me to go anywhere i need yo finish this shit#or it will never be done#been trying to edit my Beyonce and spiderverse vlogs and its just taking too long i just abandoned them#and then like. school.#that fucking university has done nothing but waste my time. wasting my time travelling for 6 hrs so by the time i get home#i cant even do anything but eat and fall asleep because if i stay up to work on what i want to do i will basically get no sleep#cant even indulge in my hobbies without wanting to kill myself because even those stress me out OH MY GOD
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stressed and having absolutely zero drive within me to complete anything god how is this year already off to such a great start
#hahaha how am i supposed to have 17-25 pages of a technical report i havent even started done by next week#fucking beats me !!!#not to mention completing another team assignment + another cs assignment + work#im either selling my soul or sleeping a total of 5 hours this week#my motivation has plummeted to a depth so deep i haven't felt this bad in ages#even worse i have nothing to cling on like i normally do#and by that i mean even music... like how bad is it when music cant even do anything for me anymore#i need.. i need something to look forward to until april#im turning 20 this month and i cant even be excited because im stressed out of my MIND#me on a coop term thinking: oh wow this term will be so easy im only taking 1 course there's no way it'll be as stressful as a regular term#i was so so utterly wrong oh my god#personal
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oh my god everything makes sense now
#ive had so much troubke sleeping for the last like. 3 weeks. like i havent been getting more than 4 hrs of sleep most nights#and its SUCKED so bad and ive had the worst dreams ever like#its either mind empty blank 0 dreams whatsoever (<< which ive learned also sucks! feels bad and empty in the morning)#or like..trauma nightmares. like im back in high school type nightmares. and a few work stress dreams sprinked in for flavor#lkke this has been. An Issue.#I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY. AND I FEEL SO STUPID#ITS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE LOKI LIVING WITH ME ANYMORE.#im at my parents house for the weekend and . got here at like 8pm last night.#laid on the couch. loki jumped up on thr couch with me to cuddle#and ive always said hes so good at this bc hes warm and he lays on top of me so hes like a weighted blanket#and i cant move my arms to look at my phone or anything so its SO easy to fall asleep w loki cuddles#AT 9PM I FELL ASLEEP. i havent gone to sleep before midnight in like 2 months.#and when i had 2 get up to move to the guest bed he followed me.#and i just woke up from a nightmare and he was on the other side of the bed so i reached my hand out 2 pet him#and he laid his little chin on my hand and oh my god everything makes so much sense now.#ive always kind of half joked abt loki being an esa. because im like. he is. but not officially#hes never been trained for it and we dont have like. documentation for it bc ive never been officially diagnosed for anything (hell world)#so i feel bad calling him that bc it feels like im. disrespecting people that Actually Need esas#(<< coming from.a guy who Actually Needs An ESA Apparently.) what the fuck#head in hands. everything makes so much sense now#and normally id go all science brain on this like oh it was just one night iwas probably just too tired i need more evidence to be sure#but like. i have loterally not slept this well in a month and a half.#I have not gonento sleep before midnight in AT.LEAST the last two weeks. CONSISTENTLY .#head in habds.
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man I wish it was easy for me to cry instead of stuffing shit down all the time. I'm too good at repressing shit and disassociating, the second I start to feel something it gets sucked right back in
#can't sleep because I'm stressing over these medical bill payments that are gonna leave us with maybe 100$ in the bank#my heart feels like it's being sat on by an elephant#but at the same time i feel nothing#like absolutely nothing#i feel fucking dead inside#and it'll be fine!!!! we just have to survive til the next paycheck comes!!!! we're okay!!!!#but we're not and so much of it is because of me and my partner is a fucking saint because they're so goddamn understanding#and it makes me feel that much worse#im so tired#i cant do this shit anymore#i cant
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still awake oops god fucking damn it
#... servant's song ♪#urgghrhhhhfhgg im literally so stressed recently its so hard for me to talk to anyone#i cant reach out first and when ppl talk to me i feel like im just failing the whole thing#and my real life is a nightmare my therapist said he might have to report my mom for neglect which um Oops#i just hate being here at all i wish i didnt have to be me anymore i wish i could go back in time and sleep next to hinata one more time#the only reason im even attempting recovery is because theres even the slightest chance i'll see him again#otherwise i wouldve killed myself a long time ago. and even now its tempting
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My biggest fear is that I’ll spend so much time beating myself up for not being good at writing that by the time I get the words down, all my passion will have run out and my ideas will have been long expired and I’ll have disappointed everyone by failing yet again to keep my promises
#the klock keeps ticking#i cant ever think about anything else but the stories i wanna write its the only thing i got on my mind its all i want#but i get so stuck in my head that i cant put any words down and when i do i beat them up so much i cant move on#so it takes me a really long time to create nowadays. if i even try#and idk im really tired of this like it isnt just art and writing its how i do everything#i talk about it so much but i never make anything a reality and i stay in one horrible spot forever#and then i complain about how miserable i am that i havent done anything with myself when im too scared to actually do the work of making#things real#like hnnnghh idk i finally forced myself to stop making excuses and just fucking start officially writing the first chapter of my big shinji#project that i keep gushing about in my head but ive only been able to write a few paragraphs#i cant get much further without getting hard on myself because i feel like every single word i choose is wrong#and i also have been sleeping waaaaay worse than usual the past month from extreme stress so im fatigued much easier#and im just scared im gonna spend so much time on this that like by the time ive finished the first chapter i wont even care anymore#which will really suck cuz ive wanted this for so long and for once i just want something of mine to go good i want to make something#that i want possible just to prove im capable of something so basic#its just all this damn pressure AAAAAAAAAAA i hate everything
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Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.
#irl#vent#suicidal ideation#i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!!#society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!!#like#i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind#at the LEAST#even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!!#i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!!#what am i supposed to do#can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point#because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space#and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future#sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead#no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them#hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone#and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with#my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing#before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch#seriously whats even the fucking point#im so tired of just...fucking everything.#i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man#and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too#should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again#not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho#i dunno#im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again#not that it matters or anything though lololol
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wish the immense stress would calm down for a second
#I dont even know man im just stressed about everything at the same time#its silly because theres only so much that I can even do at a time#so I just need to take it one day at a time until i'm more stable as a person#like both mentally financially etc#I need to swing this job when I'm able to throw my application in but I have so much shit coming up in september#I dont want to wait but I dont want to start a job and then immediately need two days off#and then in november need 5 days off#its just some shit man#i need to try and relax but alas i cannot smoke anymore because of drug testing#and I dont drink very much#so I cant even really crack open a cold one and relax#not that drinking is the answer to trying to relax#maybe Ill take some trazadone and just fucking sleep for 16 hours#dl#i'm just frustrated for so many reasons
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everything is changing and i’m in pain sigh
#it’s not bad change but i am very stressed still#and i am so fucking scared sigh#just thinking of going back to my house and seeing them and moving my shit away and the cost of miscellaneous shit#and then my brother too i want to cry#but it will be fine i guess i guess i guess#and then i wont feel like a burden anymore it will be fine#i cant sleep because when i close my eyes i just cant stop thinking help#and then what if the ppl i live with dont like me or vice versa sigh i need to sleep but i also kind of cant wait because i will be on my#own again but the comfort wont be the same i’m being a baby i know#but i’m just a baby trying her best sigh#anyways i have appointments to make and tickets to buy i cant stop thinking ugh
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You know, I'm always wondering why I can't stop clenching my jaw. It hurts, and I'm constantly reminding myself to stop, but even in my sleep I can't seem to manage it. But then I do things like crush the cockroach climbing up my leg while I'm laying in bed and I'm like "Oh yeah that's right." Its more of a wonder that I haven't broken *more* of my teeth.
#vent post#hi I'm really fucking stressed#also im lowkey living someone's worst nightmare#but I'm too goddamn tired and dissociative to care much anymore???#cockroach on my person in bed??#yeah thats the third time this month this apartment just be like that#pulling a huge chunk of broken tooth out of my mouth??#honestly it kinda feel better now without it stabbing me I'm sure itll get infected less too#eat once a day at best??? sure its not like I'm working a physically intensive job#that requires a lot more calories than I would normally eat#(spoiler alert I am)#chronic pain made significantly worse by said job??#well good thing I've got a crazy pain tolerance and tendency to dissociate!!#its not like constant high grade physical pain is considered torture!#and if that pairs with sleeping like shit because of the aforementioned roaches???#ah who cares its not like I need more than three to five hours anyhow!!#at this point I honestly think I could deal with a saw trap without much of a fuck given#and thats ought to be alarming but I cant feeeeeeeeeeel 🙃#personal#sam speaks
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#i dont think i can be saved anymore#ill just.. continue until i degrade myself to nothing#its not like theres much i can do to stop that#i wasnt ok even before i started being depressed. no amount of therapy could fix me like that#i cant do anything anymore#i cant study i cant enjoy games i cant sleep properly#i cant even kill myself#or self harm for that matter#theres no reason why i should exist#i already wasnt supposed to exist 2 times before my birth#and since then i shouldve died several times#im trying to hope that this is stress talking. tgat im thinking this because of how we were fucked over graduating#over how much i despise most of my classmates and my highschool#of how i have exams this year that are really important and at the same time not relevant for my situation yet i have to stress over them#of how ill have to survive for another summer with my parents#how ill have to mask and hide evey single thing from them#because theyre too arrogant to accept that their kid might have mental problems and too homophobic for me to feel safe coming out#I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY CRY GOD FUXKING DAMMIT#im tired#im so fucking tired#of everything#i cant read my own thoughts anymore#i dont know what emotions im hiding#all i know is that im miserable and depressed#and everything that i can currently do is making me at least incrementally worse#tw depression#tw suicide mention#green bear rant#green bear spam
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"you need to do your work" then ficking get me my meds because i have panic attacks about getting out of bed
#well its true#and yes i get i miss a lot of school#but fuck you for telling me it everyday#do you want me to tell you that you're pathetic everyday? do you? i can if you'd like#meds work a lot and now that im off them i grow more and more frustrated with myself#im failing because i have no motivation to do anything#i can barely sleep and or eat with all the stress im doing#and i wanna die i honestly do because dying would be giving up and if it wasn't permanent i would be dead already#even with it being permanent its still debatable#im just so tired#we cant afford to live and im one of the costs that had to get cut and i don't know if i can do it anymore
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im extremely stressed but in a passive way. like i can't seem to get myself to work on the things that are stressing me out so instead im curled up under a fuzzy blanket with an extremely soft and warm and cuddly cat, which is objectively really nice but the stress is making me feel sick even if this is a really nice situation in the moment
#sigh.#i think im gonna fail this year. im failing in all of my classes except for orchestra and food+nutrition.#i can probably pass science and english but i dont think i can pass algebra II or sociology or spanish#i might be able to make them up if i can manage to snag a spot in summer school but idk if ill be able to do that#this is kind of terrifying. i dont want to end up spending an extra damn year in high school. i really really don't.#if i cant get into summer school then i might be able to just retake algebra II next year since i only need 3 credits to graduate and i -#- already have 2. i might not even have to take a full year if i do alright next semester.#i dont know how it'll work for sociology and spanish because like... sociology is a social studies class and i think i need 4 credits for -#- that? but i dont know for sure. they dont make it very clear.#i also dont know what the deal is with extra language classes either. idk if i have to retake those or not.#this fucking sucks. my executive dysfunction is the worst it's ever been i think. i can't function normally anymore.#i can't do schoolwork. i can barely do chores. even doing fun stuff requires me to jump through hurdles to actually do it.#im stressed 24/7 bc of it and i can barely sleep anymore and my body is constantly hurting and i have stress headaches and just. agh.#i have a meeting with my school counselor tomorrow to talk about options for making up failed classes so. yeah. hopefully that'll help.#winter break is almost here which is both gonna be horribly stressful and wonderfully relaxing#hopefully they'll just cancel each other out and ill feel Fine. not good or bad. just Fine.
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shawn spencer, through a series of comedic should-be-impossible hijinks, gets turned into a cat without anyone knowing its him. he elects to hang around the station and help out however much his four paws can.
hilariously, it doesn’t change that much.
some notes:
hes brownish-orange (kinda like henry’s hair in flashbacks??) which means he is close enough that he has the orange cat curse™
trying to decide on what breed he is. obviously mixed but what is in the mix?? main thoughts are havana, bengal, and siamese
okay final thoughts: bengal-siamese mix with a havana-like coloring for both eyes and coat.
hes a chatty cattyyyyyyyyyy,,,,,,,, yapper frfr
dog-person lassie and cat-person jules (she canonically has two cats)
he is so indecisive on if he should try and communicate that he is shawn to the station. on one hand theyd know hes safe and maybe be able to help him fix this. on the other jules has literally played fetch with him. a few officers have hand fed him. several cat things occurred. he would never live this all down (human shawn after hes asked where he was for like two months: (heavy sweating) i dont remember)
shawn sleeping in lassie’s chair and on his lap. he started doing it for the laughs but now he has realized that oh no this is actually comfy. tragedy.
half the station supports shawn’s cat shenanigans. a third just take videos. the remaining sixth try to call animal control on shawn but he always gets away and hes back in the station like two hours later so eventually they give up lmao
while all this is happening the station is also stressing because of shawn’s disappearance. they cant find any evidence for what happened. shawn went out to pursue a lead and just vanished. consequently, shawn is trying to make them all feel better with cat shenanigans
he refuses to use a litter box. it does not matter that he is so so small now he is using the fucking toilet. (the officers start leaving the bathroom door open a crack so he can slip in lmao)
shawn reading over case files while sitting on them. hes participating (and solving them)
shawn as a human accidentally left a pineapple stress toy in the station (maybe on some forgotten corner of lassie’s desk or smth lmao) and as a cat he rediscovers it and decides to play ball using it. all this to say that people start calling him pineapple because of it. honestly hes quite happy with that name over some other possibilities
jules is the only one allowed to touch the pineapple toy. he doesnt trust lassie not to try and dump it or something like the spiteful person he is and he certainly doesnt want anyone else touching it. (he would allow lassie to touch the pineapple toy if it werent for that fact though)
(shawn very carefully putting the pineapple toy down in front of lassie for the first timeand staring up with his big ole eyes and lassie stares back and externally his expression is hella flat but internally hes like oh no. oh no its growing on me)
BIG NEWS: cats can in fact eat pineapple, just not a lot since as a fruit it has a lot of sugar (not good for cats), HOWEVER… “It’s hard to see why because cats don’t have the taste buds that let them enjoy sweet flavors. The strong sweet and tangy taste of pineapple is mostly lost on them.”
shawn finally managing to get someone (probably buzz) to give him some pineapple only to be utterly HEARTBROKEN bc it DOESNT TASTE LIKE PINEAPPLE ANYMORE !!!!!!!!!
juliet holding him like a little baby as he is purring like a freight train
LASSITER HOLDING HIM LIKE LONGCAT AS HE IS WAILING LIKE THE DAMNED
literallyyyyyy thisss,,,,
he breaks into the chief’s office to lounge on her desk and she gives him hardcore side eye before, after a while, just sighing and starting to pet him. “this station doesn’t exactly need a mascot, you know,” she tells him, to a reply of mrrp, “but i suppose a little bit of cheering up wouldn’t be too bad.” very carefully, she taps him on the nose. “but not too much. this is a serious line of work—no making a mockery of my station.” the dull thunking of a tail smacking repeatedly into solid wood made no promises.
inconceivable amounts of cat fur everywhere and on everyone. no one can brush him because he wriggles away like an eel and dramatically grooms his fur out of their reach. so he just sheds everywhere. hes got a thick coat there is so. much. fur.
he keeps sneaking into crime scenes. no one is sure how but they suspect he is hitchhiking in lassiter’s car. no one can prove it tho bc they cant fucking find him. the crazy thing is that he leads them to evidence sometimes like a narcotics detection dog but with completely random items that usually seem nonsensical at first. until they prove otherwise. consistently.
lassie to himself: man this feels just like dealing with spencer’s psychic shit. weird.
GUS FIGURES IT OUT FIRST. not because he saw anything but he just saw a newspaper about this cat solving crime with the cops and he was like “oh my fucking god. it can’t be.” and then he pulled up to the station yoinked said cat and went to an isolated corner to freak the fuck out with it. “shawn what the hell happened” he goes, and shawn meows with feeling
juliet watching gus talk to pineapple the station cat in the corner of the bullpen: ???????
several cops having the all-important conversation of what to label him as. theres no snappy cat version of K9 they can use. K9 is supposed to sound like “canine” but there’s no letter to cover the fel in“feline”
some say F9 and some say L9 and a few say FL9 or just straight up FEL9
BY THE WAY!!!!! “Police cats are becoming an increasingly popular addition to law enforcement teams around the world. These feline officers are being trained to assist their human counterparts in various aspects of police work, from sniffing out drugs and explosives to providing comfort and emotional support to officers on duty” SND ALSO “Because they are uncommon, police cats receive a lot of press. Many show up regularly in media posts. If your local department has a police cat, don’t be surprised if you see stories about them on the news”
police cats are a real thing!! shawn is not an official police cat but he is at this point an unofficial one. on rare occasions he might even listen to an order or two (the station thinks he may have been specially trained by some probably-illegal group or smth, escaped, and decided to imprint on the station) (btw this is an actual issue with some police cats. as independent creatures theyre not as predictable as dogs and might not follow orders, which is an issue in high stakes situations n shit)
#boom’s fic posts#i LOVE putting magic in thr psych universe i think its such a funny combination#psych#shawn spencer#carlton lassiter#juliet o'hara#burton guster
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