#i just hate being here at all i wish i didnt have to be me anymore i wish i could go back in time and sleep next to hinata one more time
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Castlevania is interesting but tell my why we get three episodes of internal conflict in the dracula castle (good) while the main characters are on a library and do fuck all. Well they have three scenes of relationship building that are supposed to mean something when they come out but they are so little and superficial imo
#and why the hell was season 1 four episodes#alucard and trevor hating each other is understandable but the resolution is fuck all and do not get me started on sypha and trevor#or sypha and alcuard. also sypha talks like she is supposed to reveal their inner workings and thats so bad.....#trevor and alucard are teens stuck in men bodies so they dont get along ok. can i know why....#also they were laughing and joking in gresit so what happened all of the sudden. the library is no excuse bc alucard knew who trevor was#idk man. its such a nothing burger. sypha and trevor relationship comes out of thin air wdym youre the best. since when are you being honest#am i going to blame this on a short episode count and also short episodes. yeah maybe. plague upon the earth#but them stuck in the library for three episodes and doing fuck all is just.... why#also dracula your war council is WHACK#get better fighters what is thus#also why is alucard a wolf. and hus flying sword. i an sure it is explained in the games but hello can i know why#why are we fighting in the study....#you know maybe i dont care bc alucard killing his father was very good. wish it made me care about trevor or sypha#and the dialogue wasnt so cringe sometimes#i respect sypha's two boyfriends grind i do. by god she will make them get along#wished i cared more.....#sypha telling them how they have grown as characters.... stop.....#hector has been kept as a pet noooo.....#not his face carmilla.... thats his biggest asset....#girl are you making marriage bows on the wagon after a week??? girl..... did he suddenly stop smelling like piss bc he sure didnt bathe#dont you worry ablut feeling lonely alucard im on my way.... if you will have me bc i am not sure about that yet but i will try alas#that last cry was just a little treat bc damn#you know alucard and dracula are the thing here and they dont even talk until the end.... travis and sypha on the other hand....#talking tag#watching castlevania
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me at 13: by the time im 30 i will probably be married and maybe have a kid but for sure i will be living in my dream city and have my dream job. and also a lot of money
me at almost 30: i think i will treat myself to a corn dog this weekend
#i want a corn dog so bad rn#ngl u guys im actually really struggling with turning 30 at the end of the year lmao#not lmao bc it really is bothering me which is so stupid i know I Know#but. and i know we're All struggling with this. but it's like god i have done nothing with my life#like fr. everyone says that but i literally have done nothing. ive never had a real 9-5 ive been freelancing since college#and tbh i guess that's not a bad thing? but self worth wise i feel like a complete loser.#but ive just made one mistake after another and i know that's what your 20s are for and u know what this is my tags and im not going#to keep contradicting myself i feel like shit bc i feel like shit and ive wasted my whole life thats that#i just feel like such a sham like i cant believe this is what 30 is like i on god feel like im still a teenager#not in a carefree kind of way OBVIOUSLY. which i never was anyway. but i just ?? feel like that#scary fucking episode of rugrats where tommy and chuckie become their dads and they go to work and theyre so fucked up bc#well theyre babies and they dont know anything. and even the fact that i just referenced rugrats to explain how i feel lmaooooo#relationship wise well u guys know how that is. and i truly couldnt care less about what people think about me not being in a relationship#ever and tbqh i dont give a fuck anymore either like. and here i go bringing this up again. but after my ex im like ok life truly is so#short fr i dont even care like anyway. anyway. the point is there is just no reality whatsoever where i pictured my life where i am now#once again living with the abusive relative i moved across the ocean to get away from.#no love life to speak of. fr dont care but god wouldnt it be nice to be loved fr.....#no career. living in a state i hate with all my heart. barely surviving money wise. which is everyone rn but#if i had known 10 years ago this would be my life i would have honestly killed myself.#like if i knew it would all turn out like this i wouldnt have moved i wouldve just fr killed myself and i wish i did lol#to be fair. i didnt see myself living past 18 but like. i just thought something would have saved me by now
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looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,
#i always thot i was just kinda ugly and weird and lame and like. i wasnt. not that it would matter if i was but like. i wasnt i was just. me#in my memories im so mean to myself and then to like look back at who i was at that time is like. so hard like why was i so mean to myself#and why am i still so mean to myself. like who does it benefit to remember myself as awful and annoying and ugly and unlovable#like the only person in my life who thought i was all those things was me. like the only person that hated me that much was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fine :)#this was a nice wakeup call i suppose.#also all those old pics i looked so hot im crying actual tears im so mad i could have been getting so much pussy if i wasnt so depressed#idk im just like. trying to be nice to my inner child and my inner teenager is one thing but like. being nice to me early 20s is even harde#i always thought ppl hated me and its like no bitch..... You hated YOURSELF................... anyways im dehydrated#this blog turning 13 sent me into a real spiral ill tell u WHAT.#having spent all my formative years online to then become almost completely offline after getting a job. its drama to say grieving but like#idk it felt like looking at pics of a dead relative. like it looked like me and i could remember taking those pics. but like. thats not me.#GOD. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD#AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRAZY TO LOOK BACK NOW HAVING GAINED ADULT BODY WEIGHT AT PICS OF ME AS A KID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. AND I WASNT.#AGAINNNNNNNNNNN NOT THAT IT WOULD MATTER IF I WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS#but i spent my whole life being treated as FAT without actually being fat. WHICH I AM NOW. and now im the happiest and fattest ive been.#like i actually wasnt a horrible ugly fat freak of nature. i just needed to get away from my mom#i really am rambling at this point. i know i need to Look Within and Figure Out Who I Want To Be and What Kind Of Person I Want To Become#but also i have work#and the answer is some kind of transgender. one of em. thats for sure. but like. im a waitress so like. rain check that convo....#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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just wanna draw & watch movies but i feel guilty unless i leave the house & try to be around people
#so upsetting that moving didnt turn me into some extrovert who instantly makes friends with everyone & hates being at home#instead i just have a lot of anxiety & sensory overload 😭#i dont even wanna go to meetup groups or be around ppl but i feel like a pos for not having friends#somebody from bumble bff invited me to hang out tomorrow but im kinda nervous#but i know literally no one here & i feel like i need to be more open so idk!!#wish this stuff was easy for me#unfortunately i think all the people i could be good friends with probably also just wanna stay in their house all the time 🥲
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:(
#the sky speaks#vent time!!#tw suicidal ideation#i wish i could just hate my mother it would be so much easier#but shes trying so hard and in so much pain#but shes so TIRING to be around !!!!#she got in a wreck this evening. she was drinking and driving around to all of people who don't talk to her anymore#shes getting a dui i guess?#and this is just one thing in a looooong list of shit shes pulled#ive heard her scream and sob so much today. but now shes also saying she wants to die. over n over#full on existential crisis. she feels no purpose and is so lonely#she left this morning to go shopping tyen just never came home. my dad asked me to call her and she answered and just said#i can't. im sorry. and hung up on me. then she turned off her phone and we didnt know where she was for a half hour#and i was so fucjing worried that shed killed herswlf or somthing i couldnr even remember rhe last thing i said to her?#i hugged her for so long when we finally got home#but im just so tired of loving her#shes still down there crying but i cqnt listen tk her anymore. my head is pounding. i wanna sob. i never wanna cry again.#i kinda wanna die too but i feel like i cant tell anyone really. moms such a mess how could i possibly put these feelings onto dad or thomas#and not mom. god. shes thw reason i feel like that. evwry time. im so tired of her falling apart that id rather not be here.#if i had just sucked up being on my period and went shopping with her today this wouldn't have happened. but that shoyldnr be how it is!!!!!#im allowed ro stay home!!! i shouldnr have to babysit her!! but ive felt like i was HER mother aince i was 17#im just so tired
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i just wanna go back to toronto you guys i just wanna go back to the way things were
#i want my friends back#i wanna go back to uni#i want my old jobs back#sure it was hard sometimes to balance everything#but i had so many friends i spent my entire degree with within walking distance#i was respected and valued at work#i was studying things im truly passionate about#i was in a place where i wasnt afraid of being stabbed#the premier was a dick but at least he didnt do the shit danielle smith does#im having a bad night#i wish this depressive episode would end#it started when i had to move back here and nothing has alleviated it#and everyone keeps telling me to just get used to hating my job#as if thatll make anything better#all my friends are gone and im in a job i hate and this city is so hostile to human life#its affordable but was it worth it if its bringing bad ideations back#i wanna go back to toronto#or at least out east#i cant fucking take the prairies any goddamn longer#vent post
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I DONT WANT TO DO ITTT
I DONT WANT TOOOOOOOOOO i want to lie in bed November with my butches arms around me wake up with the sunlight coming into my room and move around to Feel him again and see him waking up after Only saying his name once and see him smile at me and Pull me closer and Lie listening to him breathe for a minute feel his chest warm a
#text#valkyrie.txt#lesbians sufer the most of every1 its not even been a month since he left me and i literaly cant live my life#i cant go on. at all#i lie in bed like if i imagine it Vividly enough i can feel it BUT ITS NOT TRUEEEE I CANT FEEL IT AT ALLLL#ill be like i can just fantasise go back 2 my memories but aur its not the same..#the first night he was here and he put my hand on his chest to feel his heart beat (THROWING UP VIOLENTLY)#its just not enough to wear the shirts he left behind and look at the photos on the wall#i wish every moment with his physical presence didnt have to be something special to hold onto because it would soon end#but just another day that i could see him and special in That he exists#more than anything i desperately just want to Take a fucking nap w him.. literally human beings and their need to#sleep together & co-habitate and shit..#i miss the way i absolutely knocked the fuck out the second he put his arms around me and the way i always woke up first#i miss him UGGGGGGGGGGH HGHGGHGH#skin and physical presence around me and his laugh and everything..god..#i hate long distance so much ITS UNBEARABLE WHAT HELL MUST WE ENDURE BEFORE WE ARE PROMISED RELEASE !!!
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his thousand yard stare and flat ass have captivated me mind and soul
#1979 henry creel#his thousand yard stare and flat ass and his autistic swag have captivated me#the Atrocities throw a wrench into it but yknow#im still captivated in a 'bug in a jar' way. i want to study him. BUT NOT IN A BRENNER WAY#technically brenner wanted to CONTROL him not study him like henry says that verbatim so#i can still get away with studying him without becoming brenner-coded#putting him in a jar and staring at him. NOT IN A SENSORY TANK CODED WAY EITHER#I CANT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WITHOUT IT BEING TIED TO BRENNERS HORRIBLE IMAGERY CAN I????#guy who is so normal about brenner trapping henry the way that henry trapped the spiders.#head in hands i wish argyle ran over brenner with the pizza van to make sure he was dead. I NEED TO BE SURE.#also terrible thought bc im rambling in the tags. me and not being sure virginia is dead. what if we get a scene like the s4 opening scene#where brenner is getting ready and it reveals that it's him except its with virginia and its not her getting ready#instead its a flashback to 1959 and they make us think it's Before the murders like same night but before it and virginia is coming down the#stairs (that one weird stairs pov shot we got) but then it cuts from her to henry and alice etc on the floor and it hits us all like a bric#*brick. i would kill for that but i would also be screaming crying throwing up the whole time fr.#I Know That Bitch Didnt Die The Way They Made Us Think She Did. Doctors Hate Her- LEARN HER SECRET CLICK HERE#anyway henry shitpost tags turned in 2 virginia hate as always i am always suspicious of her and always ready 2 hate on her.#also why tf is 1979 henry in the nina bunker in this shot. thats weird#its a bts pic so maybe jamie just went on the set but alsooooooooooooooooooooooooooo smthn is sus#anyway henrys thousand yard stare and flat ass really HAVE captivated me.
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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Vent
Tw: violence, SH, su!cide
#fuck :)#my dads pissing me off so badly and hes the only physical being in my life.......#:(#i tried to put down a boundary and im the fucking villian#he called me stupid multiple times with the things he said#OF COURSE hed never call me stupid straight out#so im the crazy stupid villian that hears things#fuckfuvkfuckfuvk#im ginba cut mhsemf ahakn and telk him its his faukt steaight up#i fucking hate my stupid body and my stupid brain#it just makes my family mad >:( :'(#im so broken......#they dont understand the pain in my chest....how badly i hate myself and wish i could just not be noticed by their anger#im so fucking sad#........im just a fucking burden i wish they woukd be mean to me outright so i could leave or feel validated in my pain#i fucking hate my life what is the point???? all i do is preform for other people#then when the cracks of me starts to leak thru i get verbally beaten down#hes so fycking annoy8nh......he makes me hate myself.......#no one believes how sad i am#im only mad at my dad for 20 minutes then the rest of the time i just wish i could die or not exist#i have to now pretend im not dead inside#cus hell get mad at me for not being a walking doormat#i wish he could see what he does to me mentally.....#im not imaginibg beating him up or screaming at him.....#im literally stabbing n hurting and k-lling myself in my mind when he hurts me#and hes just here thinking out loud like a child like he didnt jjst piss me ofc#i wish i could stab myself or cut myself in front of him#maybe then hed actually be a not sekf minded stuoud botvh#my family buys me things so they can treat me however. cus im the youngest and smallest dog.#i fucking HATE my life what is the point?!?!
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still awake oops god fucking damn it
#... servant's song ♪#urgghrhhhhfhgg im literally so stressed recently its so hard for me to talk to anyone#i cant reach out first and when ppl talk to me i feel like im just failing the whole thing#and my real life is a nightmare my therapist said he might have to report my mom for neglect which um Oops#i just hate being here at all i wish i didnt have to be me anymore i wish i could go back in time and sleep next to hinata one more time#the only reason im even attempting recovery is because theres even the slightest chance i'll see him again#otherwise i wouldve killed myself a long time ago. and even now its tempting
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insane that i’m the biggest disappointment of a child for smoking weed but the child that’s emotionally abusive is fine
#i??? do not understand my parents#like ok yes it is bad that my room smells of weed and is messy#but!#feels real fucking weird that my mum gets more upset with me about that than my sister being the literal devil incarnate#and not in a fun way#like dinner last night i literally did not say a single word bc me. just speaking. apparently triggers izzy and i think i literally just#acknowledged a joke being made and she started her whole. you need to leave. get out. you’re the problem. everyone hates you. shtick#and my mums response is can you just be nice to each other#???????????#GIRL I DIDNT DO A FUCKING THING#I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE CONFLICT AND THE CONFLICT APpArENtLy ONLY OCCURS WHEN IM PRESENT#(it doesn’t. she’s even worse to my mum but mum never. fucking does anything about it#which yeah i do get bc defending urself or literally just saying or reacting in anyway than what The Devil wants you to ends up a mess)#but maybe use two fucking braincells and realise i’m not the worst one here??#i’m actually gonna go insane#also it’s like. lowkey so funny that mums disappointed bc she thinks i haven’t been smoking for months#which i have!! u just haven’t fuckin realised it bestie!! so maybe the reason i am being depressed and useless rn is related to uhh the#fucking demon that’s living in the house again???#not because weed is so evil and brain rotting??#also like i do completely get how silly of me it is to blame everything on my sister when i am aware that my mum hates me smoking weed and#i shouldn’t get a free pass just because my sister is worse than me#but also.#i would like a free pass:(#basically! i should move out lol#but unfortuately i have spent all of my savings#can’t wait to spend 12 hours in the car with all of them tomorrow!!#ah you know when u look back at the times you were gonna kill urself and wish you just fucking did#vent post
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Mickey they could never make me hate you. Even WHEN you were the dirtiest white boy in America. V THAT MAY BE TRUE but he's also soooo pretty so he gets a pass cuz he's so babyboy and babygirl and an angel that deserved so better like fucking love and compassion and pride and adoration from his fucking shithead father. (if you can't tell I'm on my season 2 shit) honestly he was so much more dirty white boy tm in season 1 tho...
”I came out for you, you piece of shit”
YES YOU DID MICKEY. YES THE FUCK YOU DID.
#mickey milkovich they could never make me hate you#mickey milkovich is a perfect angel#babygirl has never done anything wrong a day in his life#the babygirlification of mickey milkovich#the dirtiest white boy in America#i think crying in iggys arms about all the shit terry used to do to him would heal him honestly#like i think maybe mickey had suicidal tendencies that iggy never knew about and he almost succeeded one time#when the shit with svetlana happened and she brokenheartedly made him promise to fucking stop when he overdosed on some pills and he did#but it didnt stop him self harming until the day he didnt feel so trapped with no way out and hearing all that fucking broke iggys heart#and he apologizes to mickey for abandoning him because thats his lil bro and he never knew he was hurting that bad#and maybe mickey always thought iggy would kill him for being gay if he ever ran into him but wouldnt seek him out cuz of his worthlessness#so when he finally runs into iggy on the west side hes fucking scared cuz he was wrong iggy finally decided to hunt him down and kill him#and that broke iggy almost as much as the feeling suicidal for the longest time and he didnt even know thing#and he ends up telling mickey that hes actually known mickey was gay since he was 13 and he now wishes he would of been there for him#wishes that he wouldve protected him and let him know it was ok but he cant change the past but he wants to be there for him now if allowed#i just fucking need mickey and iggy bonding#i need mickey and iggy hurt/comfort#maybe its revealed that mickey used to sneak into iggys room as a little boy at night after/when terry was a monster and cry in his arms#while iggy kissed his hair until he fell asleep when mickey falls to his knees and starts crying like a baby in his arms and iggys rocking#with mickey and kissing his hair and telling that hes here for him just like old times and mickey says “ 's the only time i ever felt safe#“ 'y were my safe place” and iggys all like i know im sorry babybrother and maybe lip walks in on it and is an asshole about it#cuz he thinks its weird but ian is having NONE of it cuz his baby NEEDS this but lip also feels bad for mickey#cuz its fucked up that he wanted off himself cuz his dad had him feeling trapped and dead inside and wanting to do anything to get away#and maybe hes not so much of an asshole to mickey after cuz ians right mickey DID need that#idk where the fuck this came from cuz this so wasnt the original point of the post or the reblog at first but here we are#and i really need this fic cuz just mickey and iggy hurt comfort like this would be heartbreakingly beautiful#mickey milkovich#i think i need to iterate that its mandy that makes mickey promise to stop trying to commit suicide not svet#cuz he would do anything for mandy even when she leaves and the urge still stays cuz she was heartbroken when she saved him from the attempt#and hed never wanna hurt her like that again even when she leaves and hes fucking hurting still but hed never want to put her through more
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#so for the past several months i have occasionally tried to ask a specific friend to hang out#he would consistently say yes and tell me hed check his schedule#he either wouldnt get back to me at all#or he would cancel the day of#hes a very busy person so i dont mind being the one to reach out and ask but#at what point do i assume he just doesnt want to hang out??#when do i stop bothering?#especially because he always seems excited to hang out when we do manage to set a date#this would be a solid like 6 months of this if he hadnt shown up to a Halloween thing i was hosting#but even thats like. that was a group setting.#i just dont know what to make of this#hes exceptionally aware that i have some recent trauma with people lying to me about how fine things are#one might even say he was right in the fucking middle of it#so one would hope that after seeing the shit i went through and hearing me cry and fall apart#because people spent months tellng me things were fine when they werent#youd think hed maybe get the idea. and so i contine to sit here and hope that its just one fucked up coincidence#i hate trying to read people's fucking minds all the time#i wish i could have like one person in my life that didnt make me engage in death note levels of overthinking#just to hang out with them#this is the shit that makes me want to drop everything and move to alaska
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