#to keep contradicting myself i feel like shit bc i feel like shit and ive wasted my whole life thats that

[apathyfairy]

me at 13: by the time im 30 i will probably be married and maybe have a kid but for sure i will be living in my dream city and have my dream job. and also a lot of money

me at almost 30: i think i will treat myself to a corn dog this weekend

[cinefairy]

im persisting for a new life. i live in a toxic household w an abusive family, and i don’t really have many friends at the moment. im sorry if you consider that a trauma dump but girl :(. —and i dont feel like acknowledging that im non satisfied rn will affect anything for me personally.

i’m not gonna want to hear “your manifestation is probably not appearing because you’re manifesting from a place of lack/desperation/impatience” from other blogs bc like no shit with these circumstances WHO WOULDNT FEEL THOSE THINGS? that shouldn’t stop anything.

its not the luxury clothing or iphone 12 that im worried about. i know the good life isn’t separate from me but yeah i do *need* a change to that reality ASAP!! like, today. i shifted to my desired reality-like into another house in a different country but it freaked me out so i tapped out. i want shit to appear “naturally”. anyway, ik you have maybe a vagely similar experience/past ??

maybe id like just like some motivation tho eiypo lmao im tryna soothe my human self and ill do other things to help w that too.

i dont want to vainly affirm or use anyyyy more energy to visualize. i dont want to try to convince or delude myself to knowing for a fact. i dont want to deeply relax into the void. i dont want to script. ive done everything i could ever do i know ive done WAY more than enough but i just desire it to appear now, nowww. im so determined but im still human and im tired. the power is within me ive proven it to myself many times. sometimes even tho u know something on a mental level, you still may not feel its a fact in your heart of hearts. thats my current assumption.

but girl i just needed to vent on that. im taking this spiel as proof it’s happening incredibly soon tho. now onto me contradicting all this with my desired self concept lmao. sorry its so long and i understand if you dont wanna post it.

TRUST ME! its okay to vent. its okay to feel your emotions, its okay- don’t ever keep your feelings inside of you for the sake of your manifestation, and i totally relate to how you’re feeling. you venting and releasing how you really feel isnt gonna do shit to your manifestation trust me.

i just want to acknowledge how you’re still so powerful!! even how shitty your life might seem you’re still trying and it makes me happy. from someone who has once been in such terrible circumstances, never give up. if i had gave up i wouldn’t be where i am rn.

1. STEP INTO YOUR POWER

i can already sense your power, i KNOW you’re amazing- i know you’re gonna manifest your desires and ik you’re gonna be okay one day. trust me on that, step into your divine power and know you’re 100% that bitch. mentally and physically because you are. go have self conversations with yourself on how AMAZING you are!

2. SELF CONCEPT

self concept is really important and ik you’re probably sick of hearing self concept too, but self concept really is the foundation of everything in life. self concept helped me in similar circumstances as you if that helps.

“i manifest so quickly and easily”

“nothing stops me from manifesting my desires”

“i love myself, i love what im becoming”

“i am strong, independent and amazing”

“i can easily manifest anything i want”

“i am a powerful manifestor”

“i am confident in my manifesting abilities and i know that my manifestation is inevitable no matter what”

3. KNOW THAT YOU CAN MANIFEST ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT.

ik a lot of people say you should ignore the 3D. now i believe you shouldn’t, i mean if you’re in the worst of circumstances..how can you? so just KNOW your manifestation is inevitable and its gonna be happen no matter what.

also you have SAID WHAT YOU WANT. meaning you dont have to do anything else but step into the knowing that your manifestation is inevitable.

[courtney-deserved-better]

whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

[wickedpact]

Do you think that there might be a story behind the ‘feral’ reaction Nicky has when Joe gets stabbed? I’ve read a lot of fanfiction about Nicky’s lunge there and how it was a little out of character for the type of character Nicky is portrayed as. Even in the comic there’s a similarish reaction.

Do you think we might find out in the next tales through time segment?

you know... its kind of funny bc ive seen several of those fics/posts too and i have to admit i dont really. . .prescribe to the idea that its unusual behavior for him?

& i know the thought process there is ‘nicky is such a calm/serene character usually, but the only time he’ll lose his shit is when joe is hurt’ which like, yeah nicky is a calm/serene monk-ish type of dude, luca (i think) called him calm and wise in an interview once. but i just. . honestly dont see nicky reacting any differently in that scene if it had been andy or booker -or even nile- getting stabbed. bc hes not just gonna Sit There and watch people hurt his friends!

and i feel like im almost contradicting myself here bc i talk abt nicky as this character defined by faith all the time. personally i dont think nicky's haunted by the idea of potentially losing the others the way that say, andy or joe are, because hes got Faith that they were all destined for this life and therefore Faith that they are destined to be together. so if joe gets stabbed or something, nicky has (maybe not complete faith) but strong faith that he’ll be fine. he doesnt worry to the extent that joe does (say, like joe does in the van).

but on the flip side i just dont think him lunging to stop someone from hurting joe (or any of the other immortals) is contradictory to that or even unusual. he believes they’ll come back, but that doesnt mean hes going to watch them (or be serene about watching them) get hurt. honestly i mean,, when you think about the alternatives, what was he supposed to do? merrick just whips out a knife and immediately just brutally stabs joe in the neck, and its both shocking and terrible to watch (and probably more so for nicky than us, at least in regards of it being terrible). if anything i think it would be weird or unusual for him to actually keep his cool in that situation. i mean, just imagining that scene but with nicky not jumping to try and stop it is actually kind of unnerving to think about

and the other alternatives,,,, i mean:

A. jump in & try to stop it (what he does)

B. do nothing (creepy and unnerving)

C. clutch his pearls and gasp i guess? (weird coming from a 900 y/o warrior)

and i dont know, whenever i see interpretations of that scene, its almost always used as evidence that deep down nicky has some deeply violent impulses that he keeps on simmer 99% of the time and hes constantly ready to flip on a dime from Calm Nurturing Monk to Cold Feral Warrior. im not fond of that interpretation bc....................... well, honestly, i just hate male characters with anger issues sdfghjk

and i dont really think (personally) that its canon!

its like ‘do no harm, take no shit’ you know? nicky's a nurturer at heart, and a deeply empathetic person, but that doesnt mean he wont stop someone from hurting his loved ones (Permanently) if he needs to. its like his rifle name! ultima ratio: the last resort. he’ll do it if he has to and he wont feel bad about it! and idk for me, i dont think theres any explanation needed there, and i honestly dont think its a feral reaction? i mean. joe was being stabbed, of course nicky was going to try and stop it, i just dont see anything feral/aggressive about that that sticks out from his other traits.

so like yeah, (imo!) there isnt any Deep Dark characterization there to be uncovered. hes a monk type character and hes a warrior. a warrior-monk. those two things dont necessarily contradict! its like. .. a duality. the duality of man.

HOWEVER, i mean,,,,,,,,, who knows! we know so little about the characters! and looking at the ttt schedule... weve got what’s probably a noriko story in issue 2, followed by a western booker story. issue 3 is the moon landing assassination, which is a team story, along with the 70s andy story. then in issue 4 theres the solo nicky story and the post-achilles story (which will probably be an andy & booker one). AND THEN theres the present-day (probably-nile) story and the paris (probably-booker) story, then the two mysteries, one of which is likely a solo-joe story.

of those, obvs the solo-nicky one is likely to go into nicky’s brainspace, and maybe the probable-solo-joe-story might include him to some degree. the others all seem like he’ll be a background character at most tbh

[lesbeet]

what are your fav magic subjects from the hp universe? i always thought curse breaking & transfiguration were interesting but the concept of arithmancy was so depressing like why would you ruin fun magic with advanced calculus I've been tortured with it enough 😭 also wonering if you plan to explore any specific magical concepts in your story bc i rly love when authors try to add to magical theory

oh i always say if i got to pick a job in the wizarding world i’d either wanna be a cursebreaker (but not for gringotts. like….freelance or something, yk helping people break curses on old family heirlooms and like. on their houses and loved ones and such)

or i’d want to make spells for a living. the series only mentions a committee for experimental charms but i have to assume other types of spell committees exist as well, but also i do think charms would be my favorite subject. transfiguration is too much like math imo, even though it’s incredibly useful. like i feel like i’d be proficient at it so that i can conjure and vanish and transfigure things that i would need to do in my everyday life, but nothing super advanced. and charms i would just go batshit crazy thinking of all the ways to alter something (vs changing it into something else completely)

AND/OR i would wanna study wandlore bc i just think that would be a really fucking cool job, and it would be incredible to be able to tailor myself my own wand bc i would have expertise both in the craft of wand-making and in knowing myself

re: arithmancy tho, i think if im remembering correctly that arithmancy is literally just…numerology. like i’m pretty sure official content has been released that shows that it’s literally fucking like. letter numerology and shit, which imo is even worse than combining magic and advanced calculus, bc the latter actually seems like it could produce worthwhile results. but what i don’t understand is that if arthimancy IS just glorified numerology….why does hermione like it so much? and i think it is, because the name arthimancy in and of itself is structured the same was as like cartomancy, etc, which means it’s probably just another type of divination….which hermione doesn’t respect as actual magic aside from the existence of prophecies (even though we’ve seen even those aren’t always wholly binding so much as self-fulfilling) 

sorry this is what happens when you get me started speculating about the hp universe ksjd;fksjdf;klsjd

-

ANYWAY, yes i do explore some specific magical concepts in my fic, but surprisingly they have like. a fairly tenuous basis in canon magical theory, which is unusual for me. but one of my pet peeves in fics is when people write about magic in a way that’s opposite to what’s been explicitly stated in canon, so at the very least i won’t be contradicting any established laws of magic, and will do my best to find a canonically-established magical precedent to the concepts i’m adding, if that makes sense?

i don’t really wanna say more bc i’ve been super good about keeping the fic under wraps, and i’m almost done!! it should be published before the new year :)

but yeah in other fics ive started (never finished lol) ive done much deeper exploration into established magical systems n processes n such, so lemme know if you wanna hear about those klsdjfsjdflks

this was so much wow i apologize, but thank you for the question this was really fun to answer

[wyrddog]

my friends analysis of our conversations:

-you're inconsistant. you keep changing your mind, sometimes you agree to go to therapy, other times you "dont think its a good idea and wont help"

-you dont want to own up to anything YOU'VE done but i keep owning up to my shit

-you cant just say shit to me and then automatically block me as if im not allowed to defend myself at all

-you're irrational

-you're indecisive, this has been going on FOR A YEAR that ive been trying to do therapy with you. you say you will, literally at the beginning of the month you said "ill find someone to cover my shift" but then i message you close to when the session is happening and apparently you have work

-my concerns about you just wanting to go to therapy to prove if im manipulative are more financial than they are trying to avoid hearing that? im ready to work on that if my therapist agrees that im manipulative

-you keep leading me on, making me think you want to be my friend and work things out one second and then telling me i trigger you and everyone tells you not to talk to me the next

-i do get increasingly more aggressive in my messages, but to her (my friend) its reasonable because you keep getting defensive, deflecting, and rather than real aggression its more frustration when trying to communicate with you and you keep misinterpreting me out the ass

-you constantly contradict yourself

-all the art shit is really fucking shitty of you

-you cant say shit like that "im your type" and not expect me to think that theres feelings there and that you actually do still want something??? you lead me on with this you cant keep doing this shit

-i keep genuinly trying to help you, give you advice on things, and i genuinly wanted to rebuild a friendship and you just get defensive and apparently dont care about putting in as much effort EVEN THOUGH agreeing to do therapy kinda means just maybe you want to fix things just a little bit and that you just maybe possibly want to put in effort

-you want everything to be on your terms, i dont get a say in shit

-you're stuck in an echo chamber

-again these people who dont know me that you've probably exclusively talked shit about me with dont really have a say on if im manipulative, im leaving that up to my therapist.

-posting about me online without explicitly saying my name is still posting about me bc any of your old folllwers know who i am

-you act like im obsessed with you when i was just trying to repair a friendship, and now i was just trying to fucking communicate something to you

-you cant tell me "dont send me any more messages or ill block you" have me agree and then move on to do something else because i assumed you were done fucking talking, and then proceed to message ME with loaded questions (which apparently you think i do a lot) and then get mad when i dont respond right away BECAUSE I LITERALLY WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE.

-you keep saying you need to go to your own therapist but never fucking go

-you keep tossing me around with your inconclusiveness

-when im begging at your feet to go to therapy, you're short with me, you act like its not worth it, you essentially act like i dont matter- as soon as i start saying "im done i dont care anymore about this friendship" you say "i just wanted to be peaceful :,,,((((" go fuck yourself. THATS MANIPULATIVE AS FUCK.

since you really want to play the game of "my friends keep telling me you're manipulative" i can also play this game and my friends think you're manipulative. maybe it would have been better if you just saw a therapist in the fucking FIRST PLACE AND ASKED THEM IF I WAS, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. its hard for me to take this shit seriously when you clearly just want to use it as fuel and to have something to make other people feel sorry for you. there is some shit i could share that you have done to me that if i did people would think you are fucked up. so seriously calm the fuck down with this blaming me for everything shit. grow. the. fuck. up.

[minblush]

Youre one of the only fans I know that really makes me think “deep” haha. There would be times where I wouldnt want to read your opinions not that theyre wrong but because I start feeling negative towards the boys (cos you speak some real af shit) and it makes me feel guilty 🤕 just a weird feeling of disconnect. But I think its healthy to think about these things rather than eating up everything they throw towards us. (1/?)

smoljwimin said:I see fans be so oblivious and fight over petty things when theres actual issues regarding bangtan and BH. Like Alot of them were ok with the nicki issue. If it werent for you voicing it out I wouldve never known there was an issue. Ive never been one to think about these things, I just listen to music and keep it moving but because bts titled themselves as socially aware you cant look past their fuckups. (2/?)

smoljwimin said:Also Idk if its just me but I feel so annoyed when fans call them woke kings haha that to over tiny things. If they wear rainbow coloured clothes then theyre lgbt woke when its their stylists dressing them up and besides yoongi none of them have said anything on it. The list goes on. Regardless of it all, I love the boys and them only so much, like others theyve helped me get (3/?)

smoljwimin said:through my shit so I hope I can disconnect enough where these things stop bothering me but not so much that my love for them dissipate ykwim? Cos idk myself lol. Idk why im telling you this, I just feel like your blog is a good space to share ones opinion *sigh* hope I didnt say anything offensive. xxx (4)

my opinions are just my opinions honestly, i’ve said this many times but i’m just a dumb person with a blog, my opinions aren’t really that deep or anything, i just vent my feelings and i like discussing things with people! i’m a boring person i watch debates in my free time and junk.. but i appreciate that some of my word salad is valuable to you? in some way maybe, if i understand it right haha.. but i’m sorry that there is a feeling of discomfort, like that’s usually connected with cognitive dissonance and i experience it too :( i’m not immune to it… but yeah it’s the same for me.. i’ve stanned idol groups before and i never really held them to such standards because like, they were idols and they were fake and you took what you got, but bts built themselves on the notion that there is more to them, how authentic and genuine they are, socially conscious and outspoken and just real!! so when things happen that contradicts that, it’s just a bit painful, especially if you had believed in them before.. they also helped me through a lot but i feel like i reached the point where i can’t really look past all that stuff as much? i’ve been trying to like re-configure my relationship with them cause i still like them as people and their music, but then this whole issue happened again and it’s just.. hard.. really hard.. and don’t worry, you didn’t say anything offensive and i appreciate you sharing your opinion ;; ♥

Anonymous said:yeah tbh it always made me uncomfortable when people would praise bighit and look up to the company as if they were gods 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ they’re a company and that’s all they are. they care about their business first and foremost. idk i just stan bts and i couldn’t care less about bighit

yeah exactly, i think it’s because both bighit and bts have pushed for this air of family that surrounds them which makes people stan for both the company and the artist, which is what the company wants ofc it makes people more loyal and lenient to managerial mistakes, but yeah, companies by default are there to make money, bighit has shown that really clearly too so..yea

Anonymous said:As someone that was really like.. with them for a while. Almost 3 years starting around I need U I’ve come to a place where I literally can’t be a fan.. like they’ve lost all credibility and sense of just integrity to me. I wonder how u’re still a fan when u see this shit, is it compartmentalizing or? Genuine question btw I’m not judging I just wonder how some bts fans w critical thinking can still have this love for them as a band (not as people- that i get)

i have been with them for a long time too and i agree with you as well, and well yes i have been struggling with this, probably it is compartmentalizing? like for me, i love them as people but now i find it hard to support them as a band or what they stand for cause what is that really? like the day the nicki thing blew up, i got home and took down all my slogans and posters of them and i cried, i was really sad cause that to me was the final nail in the coffin.. and i was gonna stay away from them but also i’m really attached to them and they helped me a lot in my life, i met amazing people thanks to them, and they got me to leave a really toxic relationship after like 7 years of not being able to do so… so to me that meant a lot.. so it’s hard to sever those ties.. it goes very deep for me, ykwim? i like them as people but am hurt and disappointed by what they are as a group these days, right now i wouldn’t say i even stan anymore, casual fan maybe? i just keep an eye on them… kind of hoping that someday things could get better again.. even though it’s naive, i just feel like they are good and talented people.. still somewhere… and that their group and company decisions are bad.. all wrong..

Anonymous said:Dude, you probably have problematic friends too, and either don’t know about it or have forgiven them for whatever stupidity they’ve done in the past that maybe someone else who does not know them is still judging them for. If ppl are unfollowing it’s probably bc they don’t like that rigid and self-righteous world view you are advocating, and pointing fingers at others bc you think they don’t measure up. It is very unpleasant to hear, sorry. Pls reflect instead of faulting others all the time.

false analogy, the rest is an ad hominem fallacy, either way are you really criticizing me for having a strong opinion on things like glorification of pedophilia? mmm well i will continue to do so :) either way if you wanna discuss things critically let me know, i’m always open to discussion and i change my mind easily if new evidence is presented :3

[smol-pilots]

code: calico

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: role play fuck my brains out bc i just virtually sucked someone's cock and got nothing in return

Stranger: why did you do that?

You: that's not a bad question

You: idk i thought i'd get something in return

Stranger: i guess so. some reward :D

You: yeah exactly

Stranger: it's like in movies, why girls are sluty

Stranger: they want something in return

You: hah i mean it's only fair isn't it?

Stranger: i think its kind of self deception

You: that's also not a bad remark

You: i always blindly believe men

You: i mean not blindly but

Stranger: we believe what we want to believe.

Stranger: so the important thing is what we want

Stranger: i mean, people want to "live happily ever after"

You: tru

Stranger: they imagine family, love and so on

You: but what do i want

You: i don't really fit into that tbh

Stranger: o.k., so what do you want

You: i mean i don't want family

You: i guess i wouldn't mind love but i don't expect it

Stranger: o.k., maybe you want relationship?

You: i don't even know what it feels so

You: i can't really feel any romantic feelings towards people?

You: it's kind of

You: sad actually

Stranger: do you feel like life is meaningless?

You: yeah

Stranger: maybe out of boredom you just try to have some "fun"

You: i mean exactly

You: i don't expect anyone to love me because i know i probably won't love anyone so

Stranger: oh

Stranger: by the way

You: yes?

Stranger: one good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voi-aQlvP68 heard it yesterday in a movie

Stranger: stange movie, "Calico Skies"

Stranger: strange

You: i'm listening to the song and i really like it, thank you!

You: noted, i'll put it on my to-watch list :)

Stranger: what you said reminded my of the lyrics of this song

Stranger: she's kind of sad because she knows a man will love her, be she will not so much

You: okay i really like the song??? the voice is so nice also i rly like this type of music

Stranger: do you watch Game of Thrones?

You: i watched like 2 season but then i stopped hhh you?

Stranger: i watch it. yeah, 2 season was impressive. the red wedding, isn't it?

You: yup

You: i see there's so much drama now hahah

Stranger: :) yeah, they lost it, i guess

Stranger: the beggining was building impressive,

Stranger: anyway

Stranger: you are f or m?

You: f

You: you?

Stranger: m

Stranger: so why girls suck cocks, it quite nonsensical

Stranger: gross acitivyt

You: i mean tru but i guess it's for the dude's pleasure? also it's kinda fun to have so much power over someone

Stranger: yeah, but this is zero sum game - pleasure for the dude, but for the sucker what?

Stranger: nah, it never appealed to me

You: it's a lot of work actually but i guess all of this is just giving and receiving

Stranger: i think physically it's quite troublesome

Stranger: for a woman

You: i mean it usually takes time??

You: and then everything just starts to hurt bc the dude can't come that fast and it's just

You: uh

Stranger: yeah. crazy stuff

Stranger: but people do many crazy things :)

You: hah that's true

Stranger: what's your country?

You: uk

Stranger: old good uk :)

You: hahahahh

You: you?

Stranger: russia

You: oh nice!

You: ive never been there but i rly want to go to moscow

Stranger: come sometimes, we'll drink a lot of vodka together

You: oh my god no vodka always kills me

Stranger: :D

Stranger: it kills everyone

You: that's like my top three worst drunk moments all involved vodka it's the devil

Stranger: ha ha ha

Stranger: wine is also tricky, it is very intoxicating

Stranger: try a lot of red wine

Stranger: you'll see :D

You: i love wine tho

You: but yeah it also hits pretty hard hahahah

You: how old are u tho?

Stranger: 28

You: ah i'm 24

Stranger: vow vow, we would make a perfect pair :D

You: hahahh we really would :)

Stranger: anyway, why people always try to pair at all?

Stranger: natures call?

You: i have no idea

You: i mean is it really tho

You: i don't think it's nature, it's the culture

You: the society

You: everyone is always shocked when i tell them that i'm single and i don't want kids because they're like??? but how??

You: everyone expects things according to the society they live in and it's kinda annoying sometimes

Stranger: yeah, it's quite strange. everyone want to live by that stream: family, kids, happy life. no alternatives

You: exactly

You: it's like i'm obliged to live my life by this rule

You: and i'm weird if i don't follow

Stranger: but even if people remain single, they want to get romantically involved

Stranger: that is also strange

Stranger: it's like some software inside of us,

You: tru. i sometimes catch myself wishing i'd have a boyfriend and a house and two kids and a dog bc i remember i wished for all that when i was a child. and then once again i see that my parents told me that this is how it is? you get older, you get married, have kids, a house, a job and that's what i also wished for when i was younger

You: i was raised by these values

You: and now that i'm older and i don't want that anymore but i feel like at the same time a part of me maybe still hopes that one day everything would just go the way a young me dreamed it to be

Stranger: when i was younger, i also had dreams about family. and all people about 20 yo i know have the same. almost all.

You: really?

You: what do you want?

Stranger: with time i have seen that this is very big struggle, family, kids, relationship, and "you do not get what you imagine". so i drop those young dreams. they were not realistic. it was illusions of young person. i did not know life and did not know the world.

Stranger: i want to rise above the problems of this life. to get free.

Stranger: not to get entangled more and more

You: the first part!!

You: i really believe that this is what contributed to the majority of crap i had to go through as a teenager and up to this day

You: u see but how does one get free

You: i feel like time to actually! enjoy this life is running out and at the same time i feel there's just sooo much left of it and i'm just passing by, doing things that don't make me happy

You: (bc i don't really know what makes me happy)

You: (imma go brush my teeth and shit i might be gone for about ten minutes okay?)

You: (and shit does not mean take an actual shit i just meant it as "and other stuff")

Stranger: o.k., yes, please do the needful. i'll have some time to reflect. :)

Stranger: i see it like this: I want to be happy just by existing. To rise above my own mental structures, that don't let me feel happy, don't let me feel light and content. I think, if one in his soul "takes everything very easy", not burdening himself with so many false ideas about why he is this or that, and just tries to be, to exist authentically, as a being that is free, then it is good state of consciousness.

Stranger: just to feel that lightness.

Stranger: do i need to do something for that, some big projects of life? I dont think so. Just need to give up some mental stuff. It's all in the mind.

Stranger: if man will simply change his mind, he can be happy. And so many jobs, responsibilies and relationships will not make him happy. It will be just a lot of troubles.

Stranger: anyway, we are all after happiness. the only question is, where is that real happiness

You: that's actually a very interesting perspective that i do find myself agreeing to but at the same time i feel like in theory it sounds ideal and simple but it's really hard to just let go of what's in your mind

Stranger: you are right :) it not easy

You: i was very hung up on the happiness thing as i felt unhappy all the time. and i wondered whether or not you're ever really happy in life. and i asked my mother (u know the older the wiser or smth) and she said that happiness isn't really a long period of time but rather a moment here and there that makes you happy to be alive

You: and that thought made me really sad at the time because i always felt like happiness is something that comes in time - when you get older, wiser, more experienced etc but now i'm discovering my mother wasn't really wrong?

You: at least that's how i experience life

You: my colleague tho, she lovES life. literally loves it. the most positive bright cheerful happy person i have ever seen w my two eyes. and it's just weird bc what did she do how did she achieve this bliss how can she see this life so full of good things

You: it's just

You: so weird

Stranger: it depends on what we do. I think, it's real assessment of ordinary life - happiness are just rear and fleeting moments. but i my life there were some periods where i felt very happy for considerable periods of time. no i do not feel so happy. and with age, happiness diminishes, i think, because the body begins to make a lot of problems. then one is not as energetic as before. and you have to work and survive with less and less energy to accomplish that.

Stranger: i thing technologies, computers, internet steal a lot of happiness

Stranger: i went to asia for some time, and after few months i revived the joy of life

You: that's true but it's also what made it really tough to keep living - that it won't get better in time. i was really sad and depressed for the majority of my teenage years so being alive while people kept telling me it's only gonna get harder wasn't really a good thing for me i guess. but at least my expectations weren't that high hahah

You: that's true but at the same time i depend on them to distract me from life so it's really in contradiction

Stranger: it can get better

You: ohh where did u go

Stranger: it must

You: i mean that's what i want to believe but like someone give me idk an age at which it gets better hh

Stranger: with good strategy, there is way. i think so. because I experienced it for a while. I does not depend on the age

Stranger: i may be unhappy for the rest of my life, if i do not try, and stay as i am

Stranger: but if i will apply whatever i learned about happiness, i may achieve something, as i had before.

You: that's a really nice and positive thought

You: i'll keep it in mind

Stranger: if there is hunger, there must be food. so if we are hungry for happiness, it must be out there. or inside of us.

Stranger: oh my god, it's 1 am here

Stranger: forgot myself while talking this stuff :)

You: but it's just so annoying my time is ticking?

You: hahahah

You: i really enjoyed it tho

You: it's rare to find someone to have this kind of conversation with

Stranger: o.k., lets think of a keyword by which we can find each other on omegle again.

Stranger: :)

You: okay

You: :)

Stranger: i know. "Calico". you'll find me by this.

You: good one. i'm going to write it down so i don't forget :)

You: also so i don't forget to download the songs

[honeyfreckled]

it’s very easy for these same folks to stay repeating themselves when i see they have a v specific group of women openly and vocally supporting them. it’s so easy to be rich and say “money doesn’t matter, u shouldn’t worry abt it tbh like tsk tsk im better than u” no. yr not. 

take all those loud supporters away and replace them w secret likers. take all those good convos away and feedback that is basically a dissertation away. u have thousands of followers and are constantly being recognized and validated for yr work. it’s easy for u to forget how it feels to create and create for sunshine friends. for ppl who look at u like yr a guilty pleasure not deserving of anything more than a like that does nothing to educate them on how to better reach u. like yall suddenly forget my sub!bucky fic u all ate up and gave me props on as if i had asked yr permission to write it. no i dont need yr permission i need effort returned. what would u do if ppl didnt clue u in on good places to visit, restaurants to eat at, shows to check out. what if yr fave fic wasnt shared w u? what if u lived in a country where a seb movie couldn’t be seen and wasn’t online anywhere and no one passed along gifs from it. and u knew it existed but u hadn’t “earned” the privilege of seeing it? and ppl knew u wanted to see it and when u asked instead of sharing anything w u they told u to be thankful for the seb content u got and that it wasn’t abt seeing everything seb made it was abt being happy u got what u got. hoes be mad and stay not listening bc they jump to a conclusion. y’all tell these ppl to use more than the two braincells they’re using and see that i’m not doing this for anyone but myself. like that’s why i say all the shit i wanna say and it goes places most ppl won’t. bc i’m writing for me and i’m not scared of my owns eyes seeing my smut that kinky af (and kinky like actually kinky not how ppl think them calling him daddy or doing cockwarming or breeding kinks or voyeurism is kinky when it is child’s play tbh) like we stay writing the horny shit, the sad shit, and everything we want. that’s why i dont fill certain requests. how come when i post shit that gets ppl wet im told how “brave and honest” i am but when i still continue to speak my mind im suddenly told to keep quiet and shut up and thankful or i’ll drive myself mad. no boo what drives me mad is all your contradictions. i just want ppl to apply the logic- like do some critical thinking and question yr beliefs. just bc something makes u uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. just bc yr afraid to cop to it doesn’t mean i have to be. 

and im not taking anymore responses on this unless it is agreement lol bc tbh i’ve heard 99% of yall disagree w me and make yr arguments and i’m not doing this for u like u think im not doing it for popularity or else i’d get in to fit in and follow the formula for the cliche predictable bs that always gets a win but that’s not me, im doing what u wanted- im doing it all for me- and it’s not right that as soon AS SOON as me being for me goes against yr opinion u try to cancel or come for me. like ive done the whole listening thing and the whole ignoring and all the right things on this one to see if i was wrong and ive come to the conclusion im 1000% correct and im done trying to write this publicly over and over and deleting it when i think posting it will lose ppl- y’all want me to take yr advice so here it is. doin’ what i want. not caring abt the notes or fame or whatever it is u think im so worried w. legit