#lkke this has been. An Issue.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

oh my god everything makes sense now

[atowncalledher]

Oh my GOD

I fucking figured it out. My entire life I've had a horrible time trying to wake up on time in the morning. I've always slept through alarms or snoozed them too many times or whatever. When I was in highschool I chalked it up to not getting enough sleep, but then I became an adult and did start getting enough sleep most of the time and I still had the same issues. I have been late to work almost every single day because of this and it's been a huge source of stress throughout my life.

And it think I just solved it.

It's because our little unconsciously fronts when we sleep, and I have to wake her up too. It's been four days in a row of waking up on time this is literally life-changing. And it's just cause my kid is a sleepyhead who needs someone to wake her up.

[descendinginto-madness]

a quiet cry for help.

word count: 1636

content warnings: mentions & descriptions of health issues, medication, mentions of the character struggling to take good care of their health sometimes

summary: N/A

author's notes: i'm going to be so honest when i'm writing this i'm very sleepy idk what to say </3 emile isn't allowed to be happy this month. also once again this wasn't written with a romantic relationship in mind :3 i now see i could've added a lot more of dan heng's feelings but i'm gonna be so honest i didn't have time </3 maybe at some point i'll edit this and do that

The Astral Express Family

Emile: uhh guys

Emile: could someone lkke

Emile: come to the parol car rq lol

Emile: *parlor sorry

Dan Heng frowns slightly, reading the incoming messages. He’s sitting in the archives, working - or rather, was working, up until he saw the texts. Normally, perhaps he wouldn't pay too much attention to these messages - their tone isn't too out of place for Emile, even the typos are something common for them - but right now, he can't help but feel slightly concerned by them. There's something about them that makes him feel like something's wrong - even though he shouldn't…

Or should he?

Then, suddenly, all of the pieces fall into place and he realizes what exactly feels off for him.

He remembers how Emile looked when he saw them this morning; tired and a bit pale, like they weren't doing too well. They still smiled when they saw him, and insisted they're alright when he asked them about it, but both of them know that Emile tends to brush off their issues, whether emotional or physical. It's not a secret; neither that, nor their health issues, caused by the Stellaron remains in their body - and even if Emile did try to keep them that way, it wouldn't be possible. Not with how attentive Himeko and Mr. Yang in particular were, and with how similar some of their symptoms were to what Stelle herself has been and still sometimes is suffering from: nausea, dizziness, fevers and sometimes body pains - and though Emile's flare-ups seem to be less violent than Stelle's most of the time, they're still something not to be taken lightly.

Granted, in the morning they also didn't look like it was something extremely serious either - thankfully. He knows he's probably worrying about Emile much more than they are about themself, but even so, it was still concerning - especially since they decided to go help Himeko with something about the train engine instead of resting. 

And that's… also the part that makes his worry spark again.

If it was the two of them who needed help, Emile would've worded their question differently. If it was something only they needed help with, Himeko should be there to assist them, so they wouldn't ask - unless she isn't there anymore, because the two of them have finished their work already.

Me: What's the matter? Is everything alright?

He can't help but feel like it's a rhetorical question right now, but it's necessary; he's already distracted from his work, somewhat anxiously watching the three dots at the bottom of the screen disappear and reappear a few times, as Emile is typing.  The fact that he's the only one who has read their messages so far doesn't help - not that he's going to get angry at the others now, he'd just feel much better if he knew that if anything bad has happened, there's someone else also ready to help immediately.

Right when he's starting to think that it's taking them a worryingly long time to answer him, a reply appears.

Emile: yes and no 

Emile: i kindaaa

Emile: might've overestimated myslef lol

Emile: *myself

Emile: tried to stand up then almost fell haha 

Me: I'm on my way.

If they aren't strong enough to stand on their own then it's - obviously - a bad sign, yet they're still clearly trying to make their messages sound lighthearted. 

Of course.

He's glad the archives are the first cabin in the hallway leading to the parlor car; it takes him just a moment to get there, open the door and step inside the lounge area maybe a tiny bit too frantically - but he can't help it, he's not even entirely sure what to expect. Thankfully, though, what he sees isn't the worst case scenario that popped up in his head - Emile isn't passed out on the floor somewhere, but instead curled up on one of the couches, half wrapped in a blanket, and - most importantly - conscious.

That's about where the good things end, though; when he steps closer he can't not notice the paleness of their skin, and the sickly look on their face, almost as if they were about to throw up. But even so, they smile when they see him - their lips stretch in a faint, weak-looking smile. 

“Hi,” they say, and their voice is quiet, almost like they were afraid that even speaking too loudly is going to make them feel worse.

“What's the matter?” he asks, sitting down right next to them. “Where's Himeko?” he adds, raising his hand to touch their forehead gently; he can immediately tell it's a little too warm. Of course, they have a fever, and it’s painfully clear that it isn't the only thing bothering them right now.

“She left when we were done,” they reply. “I was almost falling asleep and ended up doing it here, I guess she just wanted to let me rest.” 

Dan Heng nods. 

“And then?"

“And then I woke up and felt awful,” they let out a quiet laugh, but it's short-lived. They hold back, as if even such a simple thing could make their nausea worse. “I… didn't know it'd get so bad so quickly,” they add. They sound almost apologetic, and Dan Heng looks at them for a moment; as much as they tend to overlook their symptoms sometimes, he doesn't doubt they're telling the truth right now. 

He nods again.

“Do you need help getting back to your room? Or would you prefer to stay here? Do you need me to get you anything?” He says, trying to sound calm, so they won't feel like he's flooding them with questions. They shake their head but, once more, it looks like they held themself back from instinctively doing it with more energy at the last minute. 

“No, Ii– well, I'd go to my room, it's just–” they pause, then look away with a quiet sigh, and he’s sure the slight red hue on their cheeks isn't a sign of any illness this time, but rather embarrassment. That's why he doesn't rush them; a few seconds pass before they speak up again, but he waits until they're ready to do so. 

“Well— I feel like I'm gonna throw up if I try to get up again,” they finally admit. He can obviously tell it isn't easy for them - he knows they often have trouble asking for help, and it's also something he understands much better than he admits.

“I can carry you back” he offers. He says that before he can properly think about it, but it's alright. They don't seem all that convinced, so he quickly reassures them. “It's fine. I won't mind.” Only then, they finally give him a small nod. He stands up and carefully slides one arm under their back, and the other - under their knees; he feels the warmth radiating off of their body as he picks them up. Soon enough something else catches his attention, though - Emile's eyes. 

Or rather, the way Emile looks - like they are about to cry. 

The two of them make eye contact and of course, Emile immediately wipes their eyes in a not so gentle manner. His expression softens a little; it's still serious, but it loses most of its usual cold.

“...Are you alright?” he asks, and it's not a rhetorical question this time - he's not inquiring about their physical well-being, both of them know how that is. This is about whatever else is on their mind right now. 

“Yes, sorry,” they reply quietly, looking away, and he shakes his head gently.

“You don't have to apologize,” he reassures them. They can't control it, after all; their health issues aren't their fault. If anything is to blame here, it's the Stellaron.

“But you said you're going to be working–”

“And since when is my work more important than your health?”

They don't reply this time, but they rest their head against his shoulder as he carries them back to their room. He slides the door open and heads straight towards the bed. He's glad to see the medicine on their nightstand; it's not like he wouldn't immediately go get it for them or look around their room if it wasn't there, but he's happy that, as it seems, Emile finally remembered about it. It could mean they don't feel guilty about using the Astral Express's stock anymore; or, well, at the very least, less than they did earlier. 

“Do you need anything?” he asks, looking around the room to check if everything is in place. It's a little messy, as always, but he supposes that's just how Emile’s place is usually going to look. Among other things left on their desk he spots a half-empty bottle of some sweet drink, but he doubts that they will want to even look at sweets in their current state. 

“Water?” they ask; he somewhat expected that. 

“Sure. Will you be alright on your own for a moment?”

When they nod he leaves the room and goes to the kitchen. He texts Himeko and Mr. Yang on his way there to inform them about Emile's state, but he also adds that everything's under control, and that it's… Less serious than it sometimes gets.

Once he comes back to their bedroom, though, with a glass of water in hand, he sees they're already asleep. 

He quietly puts the glass on the nightstand, right next to the medicine, and adjusts Emile's blanket, to make sure they're properly covered. They mumble something in their sleep when he does it, and he freezes momentarily, but they don't wake up. 

He stands there for a few seconds more, thinking - and, ultimately, he makes himself comfortable on the floor, back leaned against their bed.

He will stay there for a while, just in case.

divider by @/cafekitsune

[housecatclawmarks]

I think we forget when we are in spaces we have curated to minimize transphobia and cisnormativity and be comfortabke for us specifically that some issues are like. inter-community. Like I can look at that post saying ‘there’s so much positivity for gnc trans men but what about gnc trans women!’ And lkke. I get what that Means. I see the transmisogyny in tme trans circles, I see the spectacularization of a certain image of what they think trans women look like, I get what the post is talking about. But like what it’s actually SAYING with words I’m like. Hmm. WHERE is there so much positivity for gnc trans men, other than from other gnc trans people? Because I am one, and coming out with that, growing up with that, I can definitively tell you that the things posts that pit us in opposition like that imply about the amount of that acceptance are simply not true. Cis people mock and dehumanize gnc trans men, fetishize us, infantilize us, label our identities with their own words-that’s not positivity. I have dealt with medical discrimination because of this. Additionally, being trans doesn’t erase every other facet of yourself and it doesn’t mean people don’t see other things. I deal with homophobia as a gnc gay man both from other trans men and from cis people. In offline spaces without other gnc trans people in them I am treated in a way that is othering and invasive, regularly. That’s what I mean when I call it an inter community issue when it comes down to comparing treatment of gnc trans women and trans men specifically. Because I do understand and know what it’s talking about and I can’t even disagree. A lot of the stigma I have encountered has been within trans spaces, from other trans men, and sometimes from trans men who are also gnc and are less comfortable with it than I am, I know how little we give each other but for the same reason I’m also fully aware that however little that is, it’s still more than we give to gnc trans women. It’s not an issue of tme trans people giving positivity and acceptance to gnc trans men, it’s an issue of transmisogyny and misogyny in general being so pervasive that it permeates our own community, and tme trans people letting or causing it on the off chance that doing so will somehow raise us up or let us further benefit from male privilege when we should be doing the work to eradicate it from our spaces instead.

[kob131]

I lkke how in one post youll say bees arent canon & then lose your shit at a fanfic not pairing yang with blake. Do you just get off to being some annoying contrarian or are you just that inconsistent in your arguments?

What I said was ‘Scars made Yang a jealous OOC bitch to push Monchrome’

Not said ANYWHERE: ‘this is bad because no Bumbleby’.

My issue is and always has been: ‘You fucked up a character, making her look worse than she is in the source material, with the reasoning being she’s jealous of Blake being with Weiss. A relationship and unrequited feelings that does not exist in canon so it’s kind of clear it’s the author’s bias.’

And since you seem so invested in drawing me into this, I’ll go ahead and grind it some more.

You wanna know how much of a fuck up that is?

A lot of people say the same shit about Illa, that she acted out of jealously towards Adam and Blake. ... Except that’s a strawman of Illa, ignoring everything else about her character up to and including the fact that she mentioned her feelings to call out Blake for acting like she knew everything about Illa.

‘Yeah but Yang’s other issues also play into this!’

You mean the issues RIPPED DIRECTLY FROM CANON, where she never did something so selfish, so self righteous and so harmful to a person that, unlike in canon, she is IN LOVE with.

Literally the only difference here is that Yang got rejected and is acting like an incel. And I do mean incel because this shit of acting enraged over your own rejection and trying to harm the person you supposedly love is what we think of when the term incel is used.

And we still haven’t reached the bottom of this failure. Because that strawman of Illa is often used to make a certain other character look better.

Adam Taurus.

Yeah, Scars!Yang is acting like Adam, just minus the scope of people she’d be hurting. With worse justification since all Scars! Yang has is her canonical issues...whereas Adam in canon has lived a WORSE life and been through worse shit. 

I feel pity and sorrow for Adam, for the man he could have been if only someone who could help him...actually cared about him.

Scars!Yang does have people who care about her and while having a bad life, just like with Adam it doesn’t excuse her actions. Actions that the REAL Yang would never pull.

Congrats on making me disgusted by a character whose suppose to be a former favorite of mine.

[virgil-is-a-cutie]

Yukio salt when younger but after leathing why he has see demons and other such things. He likes to get Ron in trouble even going as far to break things and blame him. Only one day he breaks something with rin is with shrio so he knows it couldn't have been rin

Honestly I feel lkke this would cause Rin to have trust issues and very low self esteem since he probably tried to become a better child, not get into fights and such. Except, Yukio does things and blames him.

[ofieugogyshz]

Baked apple and honey for lance?

baked apple: how have your feelings for your f/o changed over time?

They've!!!! Well not "calmed down", as there's still a lot of excitement towards him. But, like, you know the difference between a storm on the sea and the calm? One's way more tumultuous and full of this energy and charge, and the other seems calm, but there's still this sense that it could swallow you up if it pleased? ....that sounds like a horrific and not very romantic parallel and like it"s not working the way i'm intending, so um! It's matured into something more tameable? It's like, a puppy vs a grown dog! It's not that it isn't any less excited to see you!! It's just learned to control itself better!! Mostly. I still love him a lot and would irl marry him if i got the chance, which is saying a lot to anyone who's talked with me about my actual romo [or not so romo, in my case] feelings on things like partnership and domesticity and marriage et al. And what was once superficial feelings, feelings that grew from something I felt ashamed of, there now exists this depth, this huge pool of very real and true love, for someone who's done so much for me with so little to base it off of. Even if I'm still doing this ten, twenty, thirty years into the future, spouseless irl, i still can't wait to see how it grows based off what it's grown from. It just... I just wanna keep coming back to a sea parallel. It started from a few drops of water on a flat surface. Very shallow, just, nothing intending to stick, not even really there. And now... Now it's as fathomless and as deep as the sea. I will love him for all eternity, at this point. And I'm okay with that.

I"m trying to think of any other changes that aren't about to be answerwd in the next q, but i guess i'll come back if i do.

honey: why did you fall for your f/o?

HONESTLY..... IT WAS ACCIDENT. I FELT SO BAD FOR HOW THIS HAPPENED FOR SO MANY YEARS, THAT IT LITERALLY TOOK SEEING MULTIPLE TIMES THE ONE POST THAT IS SOME PSYCH KID TALKING ABOUT HOW LOVE'S AVERAGE "INFATUATION" STAGE IS LKKE, 2 YEARS, AND HOW REAL LOVE IS A CHOICE THAT COMES AFTER, FOR ME TO REALIZE..... THERE IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!!! also it just sounds like an inversion or subversion or something of the "fake lovers" trope fnfmfhd

BUT OKAY SO LIKE, you know hkw when you were young, and if you're here you probably did this anyways, you would like, rewrite episodes of stuff or whatever have you so that it'd be like, thw episode but with you in it? Just. Self insert yourself into the story, the plot, what have you. Didn't matter how, what the story was, you just wanted to be in there. I just wanted to be cool and one-up ash okay. So like, i had had this on-going story for like, awhile now. Months? Who knows, doesn't matter. And then Lance's first half his episodes came out, and it was either that one or next week's, that i was just like, "mmmm.... Of the many ways I shall rewrite and explore this, what if... I was his girlfriend? Ah yes, makes perfect sense. Love those moments of WHAAAAAAT only for us to go right back to business and have it never brought up again because i"m all about the adventure and too young to even have an inkling of aromanticism, let alone know it or understand it. Yes. Let's do that. We shall be the girlfriend of the one guy that actually *does* save the day and it's because *I* helped! Ha! Praise me now, fans! Now people will HAVE to accept me as good/cool!"

I had a lot of self-esteem issues back then, for unfortunate reasons.

Anyways, the point was that me "dating" Lance was such a small footnote, a one-off joke/line, that it honestly didn"t even figure into my plans for a typical rewrite of many . it was just a line and move on, that's it, let's go back to the important stuff, ie plot.. Actually I think I also was just bored and so many other girls in the hall/classes would be doing the whole OMG!!!! N*SYNC OR BACKSTREET BOYS OR WHATEVER IS SO HOT!!!! I don't remember if they were still populsr at this time, but you get the point. And I, completely uninterested in celebrities and only with cartoons and books as my primary source of *anything* exemplary of a presumably male s/o, had been looking out anyhow for something to be attracted to. I honestlt didnt think he even looked good for a few years t b h. So shallow. Looking back, i know it was just one of the ways I hyper performed amatonormality (and boy, did i ever do that on the daily to the point of it literally causing me daily distress that I lacked, of all things, a boyfriend), but...

Somehow, RATHER QUICKLY ACTUALLY, i just... Clicked into liking him naturally??? Like, it was still somewhat shallow for a few years but where the surface was flat on the first episode, it slowly became a small dent, growing and growing on its own, and somewhere in high school it went from being superficial to like, i kind of wish he was real even tho odds are we wouldn't date to just. Sealing the deal somewhere by college!

TL;DR - i accidentally tricked myself into liking a character because i was bored and painfully aro and didn't know it. Now we're married.

.

.

Cc @dekiaibadchoices because i KNOW you're gonna love these answers

[latefrequencies]

If youve anything to do with the political right then I’m sorry Diamanda Hagan videos are not the place for you

[pepprs]

hm ive been thinking a lot abt this thing that happened in my humanities class the other day n like...... idk if it’s just me but i think it was kinda shitty n im wondering if other ppl would like Agree w that so.... heres the Sitch under this fancy readmore! im probably gonna rly regret postin this so i’ll take it down afte. A few days but i just like wanna make sure im not Delusional u kno

so uh... 4 some Backgroud im in a Program @ my school for ppl who r interested in the humanities n stuff. out of this year’s group (15 of us i think!) im the only one who lives off campus and im uhhh Socially Very Weak i guess bc im not rly close w any of them like they’re all rly connected n ive always been rly nice 2 them but idk i hardly know them n it’s just awkward bc they’re all best friends n shit n im just tagging along n im lowkey afraid they secretl. n so for our first year in the program we all have 2 take a seminar class together n this semester the seminar has been on surveillance n i... lowkey Hate it but Anyways........ we’re doin our final project presentations rn which r basically on any aspect of surveillance we haven’t talked abt in class n shit. so uh.... there’s kinda. A Clique i guess in our group of all these girls who r lowkey kinda fake n sorta Exclusive 2 me i guess? and ALWAYS volunteer in class n shit djbwjfjrks. n 2 of the girls in it were partners 4 the project n they asked if they could present first on tuesday when we got the assignment n so they were All Set For That i guess

so on Tuesday we all came 2 class as usual and like... everyone usually shows up a lil early even the professors but they were kinda running late. and the 2 girls came in and started talking abt their presentation and one of them said “o yeah we actually just ripped ours from the Internet bc it doesn’t even matter anymore lol it’s fine” n some ppl were lkke.... What Do U Mean That’s Plagarism But they totally blew it off n everyone was like......... ok u do u i guess? like i kinda was Incredulous bc they always volunteer n the professors adore both of them but idk they’ve always seemed sorta shady 2 me so i believed it. n then the professors came in and started class n whatever.

n Then the 2 girls started doing their presentation and it was abt the “what would u do” show thing where ppl do these crazy extreme situations just 2 see how other ppl will react and..,.. it was actually rly well done but the whole time they were doing it i was Big Mad bc it was Fake and they basically stole the entire presentation when EVERYONE else had 2 bust ass on theirs? but ya it was whatever.

then @ the end they started doing discussion questions n one of the girls asked the first one n then Another girl from the same clique (her ROOMMATE!!!!) raised her hand and basically snitched them out???? she was like “uhhhh yeah they stole this whole thing and that’s rly unfair 2 everyone who worked so hard on it” n anther girl in the clique jumped in n said she felt the same way n..... the room got SUPER tense and i started getting rly anxious????? and the professors got rly mad and started asking if it was serious n saying they were so disappointed in the 2 girls who cheated and also everyone else in the class bc we Knew n didn’t have he integrity 2 tell them and..... i was DEADASS on the verge of tears bc @ my school u can get in huge trouble if u know someone is cheating but don’t report it and i thought my career was Soiled... but then the 2 girls started laughing??? and it was Revealed that the WHOLE entire thing was a fucking setup and their project was this big giant meta experiment 2 see how we would react 2 their honor code violation n shit n everyone started SCREAMING and it was... wild.

but Here’s The Thing. that made me feel even worse??????? bc the professors were in on it and so were the girls who called out the presenters n shit like Everyone was in on it and had it scripted n planned oht and they basically elaborately tricked tha rest of us 4 their project. which yea was Super fucking clever and i hated them so much 4 it but Also... i felt kinda.... used? and disoriented? n just rly fuckin manipulated by that entire thing? and like honor code violations are Serious and i already have SO many trust issues w the girls in that clique n my group as a whole bc i don’t feel connected 2 them at All and i was still reeling from it for the rest of the class like............. idk. it was kinda funny a few hrs after i guess but now that ive spent a day or 2 reflecting on it im just............ rly mad abt it and still kinda Floundering bc i feel like if i couldn’t feel comfortable in that group before i Especially can’t now u kno!!?!!

So YEA that’s the story sorry 4 rambling but i just..... am still pissed abt this. and it’s not worth doing anything bc we only have 1 more class session on Tuesday and then i never have /2 see Any of them again i guess kdbdsfjsjkdf but im still kinda Bitter abt it n lkke.... Yeag